Raising Children in the West- How Do You Define Respect (Part 1)
 This is the second of a three-part series on parenting in the West.
Raising Children in the West- How Do You Define Respect by Umm Reem © MuslimMatters.org
Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 3
When I find myself getting upset with my children for disrespecting me, my irritation increases more if they ask me how they were disrespectful or why their action or statement was disrespectful when they didn’t mean it in disrespect!
The genuine confusion on their faces is so apparent that I find myself speechless, but at times I confuse them further by throwing a set of answers, ‘the way you talked’ (tone), ‘what you said’ (words), ‘they way you looked’ (body language). As I confuse them more, I leave myself far more frustrated because I fail to define to them, and to my own-self first, what I mean by “respect!â€
This is a dilemma for many of us parents: raising children in the West while attempting to implement the same standards of respect to which our parents held us. Sometimes my children do and say things that I, even now, cannot do or say to my parents. The frustrating part is that they don’t even perceive their behavior as disrespectful while I as a parent do!
Am I over-sensitive? Am I building “too high-standards†for them? Am I ignoring the environment/circumstances/time in which they are growing up? What is respect? Who defines respect?
As I try to understand respect, I find myself caught between East and West. Yet, neither in East nor in West have I found an invariable definition of respect towards parents! I do acknowledge that some aspects are obvious, such as using bad words, yelling, rolling eyes, or slamming doors etc. but there are many that are not.
Before I continue, let me explain that below is a mixture of advice, suggestions, and questions, since I myself am still in the process of raising my own children. My children are aged between 2.5-11 years and I hope to see “positive†results one day, inshaAllah. Nothing is written in stone, I could be wrong and I could be right!
I. Language & Respect:
Let’s start with the language barriers and differences first. I grew up with the semi-traditional values of India’s “Lakhnaoo†style. People from there are very cautious about manners. For example, elders must always be addressed with ‘aap’ (a respectful term for You). However, in certain places of India/Pakistan the only way to address others is “tu,†which also means you. Yet people from Lakhnaoo wouldn’t even address their servants with this term because they use it as a way to insult someone!
When I first heard a child addressing his mother with “tu†in a movie, I was completely shocked. I asked my mother about it, to which she explained that people in certain cities talk in such a manner! I was so accustomed to addressing elders with ‘aap’ that my mother’s explanation was not sufficient and I assured myself that this must be the way of “uneducated†people. But as I grew older, I realized that in some places even educated people speak like this!
So the usage of certain terms may vary from place to place.
A. “Yesâ€, “Yeahâ€, “Haaâ€, “Jeeâ€, “Na’amâ€, “Haadhir ya mamaâ€:
However, what may become “normal†in a language may not necessarily be a “good†standard of respect. Take, for example, the manner in which a child responds to his/her parents. Which of the above terms is more respectful when replying back to a parent’s call? Even if it is true that in an average American household, children reply back with a “haa,†I don’t think it is considered a “respectful†reply!
I find it very impressive when I hear, at a grocery store, some child reply to his/her parents with a “yes ma’am†or “yes sir.â€Â I immediately turn around and gaze at the family because I consider them to uphold respectful family values. If a western family can implement these rules, so can we, inshaAllah.
But, when it comes to ‘yes’ vs. ‘jee’ (Urdu for yes, ‘na’am’ in Arabic), I find myself confused. I understand that ‘jee’ has an element of respect that ‘yes’ may not have (again that is because I grew up with more Eastern values) and I feel more respect when my children reply back ‘jee mama’ vs. ‘yes mama’, I must also realize there is no equivalence in English for “jeeâ€; “jee†is “yesâ€.
I, on the other hand, cannot reply back to my parents with, ‘yes ammi’ or ‘yes abbu’ and ‘jee’ is the only respectful way between me and my parents, but my children, who are growing up here, “yes†is respectful in their language. This may be difficult to understand for elderly relatives still living overseas.
B. “Bad†words, “Mean†words, “Silly†words:
Bad words or cuss words are definitely not allowed. I wish more Muslim parents strict about not allowing the use of these words. For the longest time, my children thought the “s†word referred to “stupid†until some kid at the Masjid broke the truth to them!
“Mean†words (in my categorization) include “stupid,†“idiot,†“ugly,†“liar,†“jerk,†“freaking,†etc. (Pretty much everything that sounds mean) These words should not be allowed either. If a child feels that his/her parents are not saying something right, s/he should say, “that’s not right,†or “what you are saying is not right,†but definitely not “you are lying!†as that is very disrespectful.
II. Informality & Respect
This part and “friendship vs. respect†is going to overlap. Let’s discuss this section informally first.
A lot of us grew up with a rather “formal†relationship with our parents. This type of relationship works out overseas, but in the West, this is not be one of the most advisable ways of raising children because of the repercussions such as creating a generation gap, etc.
The question is: If we develop an informal relationship with the children, where and how do we draw the line between informality and disrespect?
Formality reflects respect (at least outwardly); informality appears to reflect lack of respect even if it is not meant that way. Parents deserve the most respect, so how can a parent develop an informal relationship without feeling “disrespected?â€
In my humble opinion, “informality†and “disrespect†need to be differentiated in every household. Since we, Muslims in the West, come from different backgrounds, we will always see informality and respect differently based on cultures and time. For instance, I see my husband playing and giving high-fives to our son, but I can’t see my husband doing that to his father when he was our son’s age because of the formality he had with his father. So as my son perceives giving high-fives, for instance, as a “respectful-informality†with his father, it would have been disrespectful some years ago and may still be in some cultures!
I asked my daughter to read the book “Kindness to Parents†by Abdul Malik al-Qasim. She brought quite a few incidents to my attention. The book mentions a story of a shaikh named Haywah bin Shurih, a scholar, who used to teach people. Sometimes his mother would ask him to feed the chicken, so he would promptly leave his audience, obey his mother, then resume giving the lecture. (Al-Birr was-Silah, by Ibn Al-Jauzi, p. 85)
As having an “informal†relationship with my children, I do not mind at all if my children take my permission, politely, to finish their work first and then do the chore I have requested of them, if there is no urgency. For me, it would not be disrespectful for them to delay my task, as long as their tone and words are polite and they take my “permission†instead of “telling†me that they will do it later. Their tone and their words will define their level of respect to me because I myself gave them the room of “informality and discussion.â€
For instance, my son had a headache one day and I kept talking to him without realizing that it was bothering him, so he asked me ‘mama can you please be quiet!’ I could never say that to my mother! Was it disrespectful of him to do so?
I absolutely don’t mind him telling me that it was hurting him if I was talking, I just didn’t perceive “be quiet†as a respectful term used for a parent. So I told him, if next time he wanted baba or mama to “be quiet†or speak softly, then to say “mama can you please not talk anymore.†I still have to remind him sometimes!
Some parents may suggest that perhaps because I may have used the term “be quiet†with my children, then that is why they used it with me. Maybe, but we didn’t speak to our parents in the same tone or language as they spoke to us. Were we born with that element of respect within us?
As for me, I lived in Saudi until I was 12, and maybe because I never saw any other child speaking in that way to their parents, it was “understoodâ€. But what about many first generation Muslims who grew up here from the very beginning? (I would love to hear others’ opinions on this)
To Be Continued:
- [Part 2] III. Friendship & Respect
- IV. Hear & Obey
- A. Talking Back or Asking Questions
- B. Confidence or Respectful Silence
- C. Respecting the Authority
- IV. Hear & Obey
- [Part 3] V. Conclusion
- VI. Islam & Respect for Parents
- VII. Juhd, Du'a & Patience
Umm Reem
Umm Reem has a bachelors degree in Islamic Studies from American Open University. She is currently a 3rd year student of Arabic Language at Qatar University. She was one of the founders of Daughters of Adam magazine and remained the publishing director until 2007. She had been actively involved with MSA, TDC, and other community activities. She has also been actively involved with the Muslim women of her community spiritually counseling with marital and mother-daughter issues. She has hosted several Islamic lectures and weekly halaqas in different communities, including special workshops regarding parenting and issues related to women.
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