Raising Children in the West- How Do You Define Respect (Part 2)

 This is the second of a three-part series on parenting in the West.

Raising Children in the West- How Do You Define Respect by Umm Reem © MuslimMatters.org
Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 3

Friendship & Respect:

I strongly believe that there is a need for one of the parents to be the children's friend, especially while living in the West. What I mean by friendship is to have a kind of relationship with the children where parents themselves take “initiatives” in explaining issues to them that are normally avoided, and give them a level of confidence that they can practically and literally approach their parent with any and every question they may have. Normally it is the mother who ends up being the friend. If so, then who disciplines the child?

I believe both mother and father discipline the child but in different ways; mother takes the friendly approach and father takes the “formal” approach. This is not an easy topic to tackle and I may have to write a whole separate entry on it. But to make it really short, when a parent takes a “friendly” approach towards his/her child, then by default, children will cross over some boundary of respect. It takes far more patience on the parent’s part. I am still experimenting with this issue, and this will go through the litmus test when my children hit their teenage years, inshā'Allāh. Let’s hope for the best!

However, one point that I must mention is that the parent must develop an understanding with the children to be “cautious” in their dealings with the parents when others/outsiders are around. Not only is the parent’s level of sensitivity higher when others are around, but also, others have a tendency to judge and pass remarks which may be hurtful for the parent and for the children.

Hear & Obey:

A. Talking Back or Asking Questions:
“But why” “How come,” “That’s not fair,” “Why do I have to?”

Sound familiar?!

Yet many parents complain, “But we never acted like this with our parents!”

As much as I wish children just “listen and obey,” I also realize the importance of asking questions and discussing an issue that might be difficult to understand.

I want to steer my children’s thoughts towards the positive, and want them to understand what and why they are being told to do something, or are denied a request, or are getting punished for whatever it may be.  This is to avoid letting shaytaan play with their thoughts.  For example, they might:

a. blame the parents for being “unfair”
b. think Islam is a difficult religion
c. be ungrateful and under-appreciate the blessings they have, thinking everyone else seems to have it easy while they are miserable

I am always concerned about their potential to become rebellious, developing an aversion towards the religion because of its restrictions, and thus losing their trust somewhere along the way. This is not something our parents were/had to worry about when they were raising us. Those parents who raised their children overseas had an advantage, and as for the immigrant parents, either most of them were not as religiously strict or are now facing problems. (wAllahu ‘alam)

To keep a track of what is going through their minds, I don’t mind my children asking questions, defending their point of view, voicing their opinion; but I realize that it must be conditional, and these conditions should always be reminded and consistently implemented:

1. Tone of the voice must not be harsh
2. Volume must remain under control
3. Words must be polite and respectful

(1) and (2) are easier to implement. It is (3) where my children and I struggle the most, and I find myself constantly correcting and reminding them because, at times, the terms they choose are controversial. Like, my son once said to me, “are you crazy” My daughter’s jaw dropped, then she looked at her brother and before I could say something, she said, “you can’t say that to mama!”  So somewhere along the way my daughter, alhamdullilah, understood this but my son still needs reminders.

If the above three conditions are met, I don’t mind children questioning or trying to “reason.”  For example, when my daughter breaks a rule, I sometimes tend to bombard her with multiple punishments. She asks me why she got multiple punishments for one wrong. If I agree with her (depending on the intensity of the act) I carry out one punishment and cancel out the others; if not, then I explain to her my reasoning and still implement the punishments.

Similarly, sometimes she confesses to me something she may have done behind my back, and at that point she tries to reason with me that since she told the truth herself, I should go easy on her, or better yet not punish her at all! To me, this is not “disrespect,” rather, its an ability to speak, defend, reasonably reason etc.  However, and the most important point is that they must recognize the authority of the parent over them!

B. Confidence or Respectful Silence:

I like confident people; I don’t like oppressed personalities.  But I appreciate humbleness. It must be noted that there is a very thin line between confidence and disrespect. So, in order to flower a confident personality, a parent will have to be very cautious.

Growing up with the Western mindset of being bold and confident, in addition to having a father who appreciated “outspokenness” didn’t help me much with regards to respecting elders or being humble. I learned much later in my life that there is a place for confidence, a place for opinions, a place for humbleness and a place for staying quite even if right!  Can this be taught to children? I think it can with much wisdom, patience and flexibility.

Communication is the key. We, as parents, should spend a lot of time explaining to our children what we expect of them in terms of: Who they can reason with, how much, when etc. I have told my daughter that if I am angry and scolding her, but I tell her to stay quiet (which is not the case all the time) then she should do just so. But once I am not angry anymore then she is permitted to discuss the issue with me. We are still working on that and as she grows older I think, alhamdullialh, it is getting better.

Some situations are harder to explain but some are easier.  Like, I’ve told her that when her father comes home from work and he asks her to do something, then she should just listen and not ask questions; once he rests and eats his dinner then she can ask, complain etc. (Sometimes she uses it to her advantage and tells on her brother as soon as baba comes home to get him in “extra”’ trouble!!)

Two points must also be taught:

1. Stating one’s opinion is not necessary all the time and in front of everyone.
2. In the end, obedience to parents must take precedence

C. Respecting the Authority:

As much as I encourage parents to allow room for discussions and explanations to their children, I must also say that recognition of “authority” must also be established. Not every issue can be reasoned with and/or explained in little, minute details, esp. if children are young. For instance, sometimes I ask my son, “what’s up buddy boy.”  So once he asked me “what’s up woman!”  I explained to him that “woman” is not a respectful term to use for his mother, and he rebutted, “but you are a woman!”  Obviously “we” would not have responded to our parents in such a manner, and the fact that our parents had asked us not to do/say something would have been sufficient for us.

In any case, I continued to offer an explanation how “woman,” when used to address someone, has a negative connotation to it. Then he very thoughtfully asked me, “so when you are outside and you look at the bathroom door, do you feel “disrespect?” “Why,” I asked. He said, “because it says woman on it!”

I think I had offered him enough explanation. He was having difficulty understanding it because of his young age and not knowing the proper usage of the term. So I had to tell him politely but firmly, “I am your mama and I am telling you not to use this term to address any elder lady especially your mother because it is disrespectful.”

I specifically talk about this issue as a separate section because of a number of reasons. When we allow our children room to reason or respectfully question, they can easily loose track of our authority over them. They must realize that they can have discussions with their parents, but in the end of the day, it is the parents who carry out the rulings and not the children.

“Why do I have to listen to you?” I am sure all of us have heard this question. I wish I had a quick answer for this, but it will lead me to a whole discussion of instilling Islamic values from day one (actually even before that) in our children’s lives. And before we call for their obedience, they must be told of the necessity of obeying Allāh, azzawajal. So the answer will not be, “because I am your parent,” rather, “because Allāh said so!”

As much as it is important to allow them room for discussion, it is equally important that, at times, the answer to their, ‘whys’ or ‘how comes’ should be, “because I, as your mother, said so!”

I must admit that I was not in favor of the “I-said-so” answer, until I was exposed to the whole, “reason over revelation” mentality.  I began to realize that I had to teach my children to get used to “submitting to authority” even if it escaped their rationality. In the future, when they pursue their education, they will be exposed to the idea of “rationalism.” Thus, in order for me to instill the habit of “submission” I must, intentionally, make them obey without their having to understand the reason or logic of every single issue. For instance, my husband makes my son put his shoe (i.e my husband’s) on the shoe rack every time they go to the Masjid, although, my son has absolutely no idea why he is told to do so.  Or, once in a while, I make my daughter clean up the play room, which she doesn’t even use anymore, and in reply to her whining, my reply is, “because I said so!”

However, this should be carefully balanced out, especially in matters of religion. For a young child, perhaps, it is better to explain the religious rulings as much as possible because of the environment around them, wAllahu ‘alam.

To Be Continued:

• [Part 3] V. Conclusion
  • VI. Islam & Respect for Parents
  • VII. Juhd, Du'a & Patience