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iTunes ChannelSex & the Ummah: Child Molestation in the Muslim World- Myth or Reality? Part I
SharePart I | Part II- A/B | Part II- C/D | Part III | Part IV-A | Part IV-B | Part V
A PDF version will be available on conclusion for printing/distribution
Parental Discretion Advised
If you are a parent of children who read posts on MM, then this is one that you should read yourself first, before allowing them to read it, so that you can judge the benefit/harm. One benefit is that if there is any child, who has gone through such a situation, it may open a channel for him/her to discuss it with you.
General Reader Discretion Advised
Reader discretion is advised as some content is graphic, but I felt NECESSARY to include, in order to fully understand and appreciate the grave situation.
A Note on Comments:
If comments are related to future topics, I will likely hold them back (i.e. moderate them) until we get to those topics. So, please don’t worry if you see your comments missing. And also unrelated comments could be removed.
Child Molestation in Muslim World- Myth or Reality? Part I
He was coming to her house again. Little Noreen’s heart skipped a beat; her legs froze. She looked around. Everyone was busy, but she couldn’t find anything to do to distract her thoughts. She wanted to hide. She wanted to run. She knew the ritual of his visit; his eyes staring her down, the evil lecherous smile on his face which only she could see while the rest of the family saw as the expression of a loving “elder relative.”
Once the family got busy talking, he would take Noreen into a room, and force her to do things she never knew could be done. Sometimes he forced his hands inside her clothes and touched her private areas. No one had ever talked to her about her “body parts,” but she could feel it wasn’t right. Sometimes, when he wanted to be touched, he forced her hands inside his pants. Her little hands would shake, her body would tremble, but how could she refuse? She was very young, 5, perhaps 6 and very scared. She knew something was wrong. She shouldn’t be doing this, she shouldn’t be here. She wanted to scream but he put his hand on her mouth; she wanted to run to her mother, but he put a sharp knife on her neck threatening to kill her if she ever said a word to anyone.
This hadn’t happened just once. As he built his confidence, he started having his private meetings with her more often. Sometimes he would even tie her hands, and sometimes he would even tape her mouth so he could take total advantage of his hands and hers. In almost each meeting, there was something new; there was something different. He advanced from touching to kissing to hugging; at times with clothes and at times without clothes. He forced her to “engage orally” with him, and he showed her how to touch herself in a perverse way [masturbation]; he made her experience everything, only stopping at rape. He had full access to her whenever and wherever he wanted. And why wouldn’t he?
He was her mother’s nephew; her own elder cousin. After a few incidents the little child gathered up her courage and tried to tell her mother.
If we were to bet on one person to jump into a burning house to save her/his children, who would it be? Most of us would bet on a mother.
Little Naureen approached her mother with a trembling body, and fear in her eyes. She took little steps towards her mother―the person who was her source of security and protection. She wanted to confide in her mother and find solace. Her mouth felt dry as she talked, gulping down her sobs, but when she looked up at her mother, hoping to be hugged and comforted, her world was shattered by her mother’s utter disbelief! She felt as if she was under the scorching sun, with no roof above her for shade against the burning heat. She was alone…oh so alone in a home full of her very own. Where else could she go? Whom else could she turn to when her own mother blamed her of imagining “things”—things that the little girl could not even have known about?
Dear readers, this is not a fictional story. This is the reality of a woman, now living in America, who was once this little girl in Pakistan. And it is not the reality of just one girl; this has been happening to many little girls. According to Sahil, an NGO (non-governmental organization akin to a non-profit in the States) in Pakistan, there are 5.4 cases of molestation reported per day. And these are only the REPORTED cases, and as we could imagine, the vast majority of cases remain unreported, thus likely many fold more. Why unreported? Because, generally speaking, Muslims are in denial about this phenomenon. And the denial emanates from how far the true practice of Islam is from this evilest of practices.
Surprised? Don’t be. I had a hard time believing it when I first encountered sisters in such situations. I thought that these heinous acts only happen in non-Muslim societies. How could Muslims do such a thing? But, I was oblivious of how widespread this evil was within my very own Muslim world, where Muslim men victimize their own blood relatives, especially the little timid girls among them. I tried to assure myself that mothers similar to the mother of Naureen’s, were rare. I definitely had a lot to learn.
The purpose of this series of articles is to advise Muslim parents around the world to be cautious, to offer help to the victims of this abuse, and to offer suggestions to the family members of those victims.
Additionally, Sister Haleh Banani (who has a Masters in Clinical Psychology) will assist me in offering help to the sisters here. If my fellow sisters, who have been victims of this abuse, or continue to be victims today, are scared and do not have cooperating families, please put your questions and comments here, and inshaAllah we will respond and offer help in whatever way possible. If you do leave a comment that is of personal nature, make sure you do not disclose your name (i.e. leave the comment with an anonymous name), but DO leave a valid email so we are able to contact you inshaAllah.
This series of articles will be divided into following categories:
I. Molesters
The following links, when available, will open up separate posts:
II. Victims and Their Struggles
- A. Approaching Their Families
- B. Emotional & Psychological Damages
- C. Personality Damage
- D. Intimacy & Marital Relationship
Throughout the article, I will be using true stories of various sisters. Rest assured that the names have been changed, but I have tried to leave the stories as uncensored as possible.
I. MOLESTERS:
A. Who are the Molesters:
1. Victims Themselves?
Although there is a popular belief that most male molesters were victims themselves in their childhood, this assertion doesn’t hold water with scientific evidence. It may be true in some cases, but cannot be generalized for all situations. According to this research, sometimes molesters are molesters just because that is who they are.
2. Family and Friends:
In nearly all cases, the molester is either a family member or a close family acquaintance. In the case of all the victims that I have dealt with, the molesters were close relatives, including cousins, uncles, and even grandfathers, iyyadhobillah.
It is much easier for the molesters to molest their own family members or the children of close friends, than to find prey elsewhere. They are trusted by family members and friends; hence the odds of getting caught or being doubted are very low. Besides, it is easier to gain access to the child. Most of the victims who entrusted me with their horrific stories, were molested by family members who visited frequently. That is why these girls were not only repeatedly molested, but when these girls tried to confide in an elder, they wouldn’t believe them.
It must also be noted that the molester, very astutely, observes the child-parent relationship. In many cases, the victims are children who don’t have a close and frank relationship with their parents (I will discuss this in more detail inshaAllah).
B. How and When the Molesters Attack:
1. Best time and Place:
Apparently, molesters do not need extra time or any special place to attack their prey.
Mona was a 6-7 year old, growing up in America. She was molested in the car by her maternal uncle, who was several years elder to her mother. Her uncle had taken her family shopping and had dropped them at a store while he waited in the parking lot. The little girl stayed behind with her uncle. He asked her to come sit on the front passenger seat. This little girl, without even thinking twice, jumped to the front seat, like any niece would have done. He first started touching Mona on her chest, then slipping his hands inside her shirt, and then into her trousers. He did all this, while intently staring at her, to take note of her reaction. Mona pleaded with him to stop, but he only stopped when he was “satisfied”. The little terrified girl ran inside the store to her family, totally in shock…
These wretched people don’t even wait for a specific place or time. They attack when least expected. The time and place is so opportunistic and unlikely that even when the victims report the abuse, they are not believed.
“We just left you in the car for a few minutes, how could it have happened to you in a public parking lot. Stop making up stories about my respected brother, just to get some attention”.
2. Short and Quick
As I said, they don’t need extra time to attack. By choosing a family member, many matters are made easy by taking advantage of family traditions.
Mona’s uncle also took advantage of the family tradition of kissing foreheads. At times a simple peck on the forehead would become a complete lip-lock, iyyadhobillah. Had she told her mother, her uncle would have just laughed it off and changed the topic.
To be continued…
IF YOU NEED IMMEDIATE HELP, YOU CAN ALSO REACH OUT HERE:
- See related post on Muslim Youth Helpline: 1800- 550 – MYHL (6945)
Image Credit: Sound of Silence, a Hyderabad, India-based group.
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Inna Lillahi wa inna ilaihi raji’un…May Allah help us. These pigs should be slaughtered for such acts as an example for others if ever caught….May Allah reward you for bringing this topic up
Assalamu-alaikum sister. It makes you so queasy, but it happens pretty often. I have heard of not one, but quite a few such episodes taking place even in settings where you would consider it unimaginable. Mu’allims who would come home to teach girls to read the Qur’an, and molest them, little girls who went to mosques to study and were molested, and in India, every few days there are reports in the newspapers of drunken fathers molesting their daughters. According to what i’ve seen around, relatives/friends who seem exceptionally affectionate and physical are very often the perpetrators of this sickness. Parents need to realize that they need to be very vigilant and careful, and that it is NOT ok to leave kids at somebody’s/anybody’s place so casually, especially when the only supervising adult will be a member of the opposite sex. I think, at a point of time when parents feel that they will not be the only one supervising their child, they should educate their children in an appropriate way about abuse, and be very perceptive to a child’s reactions. Several years ago in India, i had come across a poster in a children’s newspaper supplement that i thought hit the nail on the head without being too graphic.. i searched it and did find an e-archive link… not all of it is about ’sexual’ abuse, and you might have to strain your eyes to read it, but i think it is pretty neat, suitable for even young children and maybe we can make one of our own like it. Here’s the link – http://www.hindu.com/yw/2004/11/20/stories/2004112000230400.htm
Subhan Allah…. i had this topic on my “I want to write about this topic” list….
Jazaki Allahu khayran for writing this.
subhanAllah. after they have died, adult zaanis who were not punished in this life will burn in an oven with other zaanis. the oven’s walls will slope in as they go up. the zaanis will pull each other down as they try to escape the heat. their skin and flesh will burn away utterly only to be restored so that their agony can repeat over and over again until Allah Decrees otherwise for them. RasoolAllah sull Allaho alayhi wa sallam was shown this punishment in a true dream in which he was also shown the punishments for the one who spreads lies about others that are wide publicized, and for the one who consumes ribaa.
can you imagine how much worse must be the punishment of these adults who molest children? when the punishment i just recounted is for consenting adults, the perverts who commit these crimes against children will surely find a special part of hell that awaits them.
subhanAllah. no wonder the chief of the 19 angels who watch over hell is grim.
jazak Allah khayr for this series of articles. mashaAllah, the picture/banner is powerful. much time needs to be spent, too, on promulgating solutions to these problems. and much care needs to be taken not to malign indiscriminately and generally. for example, in too many places i have read Muslims discredit schools of hifdh with slanderous accusations. crimes should be punished, and among criminals is the one who slanders.
Bismillah
Assalamu Alaikum Umm Reem.
Glad to see a piece from you. Jazakillahu khairan for bringing up this topic, and for providing research based on real-life experiences. I am also grateful to you for not mincing your words, because some careless mothers need to know outright how these things happen, and they should be wary of leaving their daughters with anyone. Might I also add, that even sons are not safe from such molesters either. There are so many ways a young boy can be abused as well….may Allah save every child on earth from such predators.
We have to protect and educate both our sons and daughters about these situations, and some things should be drilled in to them as a no-no from the start. E.g the biggest no-no I am teaching my children (who are still very, very young) from toddlerhood, is to NEVER take off their underpants/lower garment, or go to the toilet, in full view of anyone besides their mother. This might sound very extreme, and I have received criticism for it from close female relatives (because particularly in our culture, it is not uncommon to see toddlers in our homes roam around with their lower halves totally bare) , especially since I refuse to change my baby’s/toddler’s diaper (girl or boy) in a place where anyone else can look. Basically, I am ingraining an acute sense of “haya” into them since this very early stage, so that my kids will know which body part can never, ever be uncovered before others besides their mother. Secondly, I know that there are predators out there who can get into severe fitnah by just viewing a child’s bare pelvis (girl or boy) – so I do my part in taking as much care as possible. May Allah protect our children. Ameen.
My Internet experience since the past decade has just strengthened this intrinsic maternal protective instinct – the prevalence of child pornography, pedophelia and the existence of “teen” sites are a disgusting reminder to any rational parent that our children are not safe, at ANY age. The mother HAS to instill the rule into her child, that no one, NO ONE, can view them without clothes or touch them in anyway. Period. And this tarbiyah should be part of childrens’ upbringing from the start.
I also want to narrate an incident of a girl who was almost molested, before she ran off (she told me about it years later). She had gone to a neighbor’s house to play. The neighbors had a 12 year old son and a younger sister – this 7-8 year old girl had gone to play with the sister. The latter went somewhere (it was a big house), and the brother locked the door and said, “Let’s play doctor, doctor. You be my patient. I’ll give you an injection.” He then proceeded to try to convince her to let him give her an “injection” you-know-where, when she stretched out her arm. She refused repeatedly and demanded that he open the door, which he did, and she ran out. She was bold enough to take a stand, because the guy was still himself a child. Another friend of mine had a similar experience at a wedding ceremony (mehndi) in which she was 8 years old and playing hide and seek with other children. When all the kids ran off to hide, one guy, a teenager in his early teens, ran up the stairs of an apartment block with her, to hide. They were alone, and he asked her to touch him you-know-where. She refused and ran off.
This shows that children have an intrinsic sense of danger; a warning bell that goes off in their heads which makes them run. These incidents also prove that even older children are not always safe to hang around (i.e. it’s not just adults who pose risks).
Excellent subject, sister. It’s time Muslim communities sat up and realized the very real presence of such a monstrosity.
When will the other parts be posted?
Thank you =)
Assalam’ullaikum….as a young child of 10 when I was visiting my home country I had not one not two but three cousins of my mother molest me. They must have been in their mid twenties at the time. Two of them were brothers and the third was a cousin to them. My guess is that they all had done that because they must have divulged in their secret to one another. I was a VERY shy timid girl who they knew was not going to tell my mother. One would take me to his room, lay me on his bed and start kissing me on my mouth but nothing beyond that. I found out through another 10 year old cousin of mine who actually lived there that he used to do that to her all the time. The other two (the brothers) used to take me to an empty room somewhere in the house and have me sit in their laps and occupy me with idle chit chat. Then usually a hand would slip into my pants and fondle me. I was too nervous to tell me mother, not because I feared she would not believe me but because I knew she loved her family and these cousins. I felt like I did not want to break her heart. It has been years later and I still have not told me mom because two of them have passed away and their accountability is with Allah. What I have learned is the sheer importance of educating my daughter. THanks so much for posting this piece. May Allah swt protect all our children from the likes of people like them.
assalaamu`alaikum
Unfortunately such cases seem to be on the rise. My wife is a social worker and she deals with such cases. The first thing she tells mothers are, “You MUST believe your child.” That is what many parents fail to do when they hear such. Some poor children continue to be abused for years till they summon the courage to bring it up to their mothers/parents only to be rebuked.
Umm Reem.
Wallahi.
Standing Ovation from me right now.
Thank you. Thank you. Thank you for addressing this topic.
It’s good to see this issue is being raised among more conservative elements of the Muslim community. I wish these articles could be translated into Arabic and Urdu. Alarmed by the rampant abuse and pederasty in a Muslim muhaajir community where we used to live overseas, one of the women tried to educate the mothers to empower the children to say “No” and tell their parents. She was called a Shaytan who was out to ruin the fitra of the children by introducing “deviant sex” to them. This experience was all the more frustrating because this was an enclave of pretty well educated Westerners and local elites. People who made hijrah for the sake of Allah who could afford Mercedes, but not the price of facing the truth about social ills in the Muslim world.
Three months later, a girl reported being molested by the trusted, dear, beloved Quran teacher. And that’s just the one that told. One local boy who had been abused told a social worker “It’s a rite of passage. We just learn to accept it.”
Who are the shayateen… who are ruining the fitra?
Salaam Alaikum
Jazaki Allah Umm Reem for bringing such matters to our attention.
Unfortunately I have a lot of stories regarding molestations too. It is a hidden secret that lurks in almost every extended family.
There are two major problems as I see it (and I know you’ll address both of them!)
1) Kids themselves many times don’t know what to do. They are embarrassed, confused, terrified. Obviously they are simply not prepared to undergo such traumatic experiences. It’s sad but the situation dictates that we educate our kids about matters that their innocent ears should not be hearing.
2) Parents, when kids finally do approach them, never believe this can be true. They’d rather believe a six year old has the imagination to *invent* such graphic tales rather than lay blame on a family member. And rejection by parents further alienates such kids.
I have met victims of molestation whose lives have been ruined because of both of the above factors; they are insecure in their lives and sexually incapable of fulfilling marital relations. Of course this is just one category. Others are able to overcome such experiences and move on with their lives.
May Allah give us all strength to deal with these issues.
May Allah protect these innocent children. Ameen.
This def. needs to be translated into all the languages of the Muslim world. It also needs to be printed out and handed out to community leaders and imams.
One aspect that is not addressed in the article is the homosexual molestation that goes on in religous madrassas ‘back home’.
My dad worked for a while as the chief administrator to ‘modernize’ one of Pakistan’s largest madrassah system. You won’t believe how many ‘huffadh’ he caught & expelled who had raped the boys they were teaching to memorize the Quran. Of course, the complaints were even more than the expulsions, and the actual incidents probably much higher than the number of complaints! You can only imagine the extent of the problem from that.
The important lesson is that humans will get away with as much evil as they can if the rule of law is not established. That is why simply relying on individual piety (taqwa) is not enough. For most people, fear of severe punishment is what prevents them from comitting henious crimes.
Assalamu Alykum
Apologies, for going off track, just a request – can MM please publish an article about Valentine’s Day?
JazakAllahu Khair,
This post was bonkers. I’ve known a few people with these difficulties and just really hurts. And this is a complex issue that starts with emphasizing self-restraint and discipline (do we ever?) and raising awareness in our local communities.
May Allah ease their difficulties and punish these offenders, Ameen.
May Allah (SWT) bless you for writing on this “taboo” topic. Unfortunately, this happens often enough, yet on one likes to talk about it. People are more concern, these days, in mainting their family relations, than to actually take the time to listen to their children and have faith in them. It breaks my heart to see how a mother wouldn’t believe her child in such horrific events…
I hope, InshAllah, these series of articles give people strength to “accept” the problem when it arrises (although I pray that it never does) and be more willing to talk to their children about it. Even in taking preventing measures.
Asalamualikum
Jazakallahu khair
This topic is surely one that has been greatly neglected and placed in darkest corners of our thoughts.
As I was growing up two older males molested me and they were both relatives. Parents should always be aware that although cousins and uncles may be very loving of their relatives what they do in secret and private is not known until its exposed, for example; In my case my uncle and cousin (male in mid teens) were very loving and cared about me, so the first incident in Pakistan everyone was getting ready to go to sleep and my cousin said lets sleep together little did I know of the perverse acts he would do I was only 10. That night he fondled me, and I never forgot it! I never told my mother because I would not know what to say, how to say it, what would be the reply, the repercussions. I was never taught that my body has its sanctity and should remain sacred but I was surely taught other things like to stay away from strangers. Later on once I cam back from Pak. I was staying in relatives house and it was quite crowded and yet again everyone was getting ready to sleep. I slept with my uncle AND aunt (his wife!) I was on one side of the bed and she was on the other and in the darkness of night he fondled me, I immediately left the room. In both cases it was an example of parents showing overly trust of their brothers or nephews for their outwardly love which was acting as a facade of their evil desires. I never felt the same with these two people again I now I think to how many other relatives could they have done this to and perhaps even their own family members. I don’t wish to speak to these people anymore even though they are relatives I despise them, an inner hatred of their actions and their false affection of care and kinship is deplorable. I never really was “traumatized” by these incidents I simply shunned it from thought but surely they do arise once mention of these relative are made in the house. All of these were probably unexpected from my parents considering I am a male.
May Allah give this Ummah the strength and resolve to fight our evil desires and help us stay on the right path.
Just so sad that a muslim would do anything like that . Just shows that these individuals have no fear of allah (swt). May allah protect all individuals from these shayatin.Ameen
Taha
Aslamu-alaikum:
Many of these things can be avoided. In Islam a brother and sister are to be separated at a young age and even sisters cannot sleep under the same blanket or covering much less uncles(in the case of unknown above). children(brother and sister) are suppose to be separated at a young age. I think the age limit is 7 or 10. I am not sure.
BUT islam does teach us preventitive measures to avoid these kinds of mishaps. I remember my father would make us covering in front of our uncles(Mahrems) I just never understood why but he used to tell us to cover with a chadar even in america even in front of our Mahrem uncles.
I thought he was really strict when we were young but i guess he was being protective.
we were not allowed to stay at relatives house without our mother or father and definately not in the same room as other relatives.
anyway.
salam
Its 10. Not only brother and sister, but brother and brother as well. And needless to say this rule may be applied to cousins and relatives as well.
Brother and brother, sister and sister aswell?
JazanaAllahu khair…
I was asked to elaborate more on the mentality of molesters but I couldn’t. If I didn’t understand something myself, how can I write about it. I, honestly, cannot comprehend why someone would do something like this, what goes through their minds, what happens to them, how shaytaan overpowers them, iyyadhobillah. May Allah protect us all and our children.
As I will be discussing in the solutions, inshaAllah, education is the key. It is our, parents, responsibility as educators to teach our children about their body parts, including private parts, implicitly and explicitly. As you all might have noticed, from the comments as well, that not knowing much about body and what needs to be protected and how always remained a confusion in little minds.
I cannot emphasize enough the need and the necessity of educating children about their body. And believe me it does NOT take away from their innocence. I also highly encourage, if not force, parents to have a “sex-ed” talk with their children somewhere between the ages of 7-10. InshaAllah I have mentioned some of these points in solutions and I will be posting an article, in near future, on sex-education of children by parents, inshaAllah.
Unknown: may Allah help you and protect you. Applying Islamic principles in our daily lives is always a source of our protections and our loved ones. We are supposed to separate beds once the child reaches the age of 10, according to the hadeeth of Prophet sallallahu alihi wasalam. I wish people would practice this principle more often.
Organica: you can sit now
hope u r feeling better
SubhanAllah! May Allah reward you for writting about this topic and bringing it to the attention of those havent realized this issue..
I wish I was overexagerating when i say MANY sisters that I know have been through some sort of sexual harrasment by someone in their extended family let alone a stranger. In one cause my ethnic community started a sunday school and when the years passed they started letting just about ANYONE teach us sisters. One sister after another complained that the teacher was sexually harrassing them and for one sister till this day she has menatally blackout and doesnt remember the incident that had happened in the brothers restroom where he had taken. The sisters ranged from 5-9 years old.
This incident happened in America and till this some of the parents have an idea who the man was and have NEVER reported him to leave, the sisters and i talk about this incident and wonder what kind of families let this happen.
Its one thing to have parents totally dismiss it and think your telling stories but its a whole different issues when they choose to not do anything about it, like one sister I know was forced to have the man live next door and has asked to forgive him because he is her cousin.
May Allah protect our sisters in Islam from these predators Muslim or not.
Hats off to you sis for addressing this topic. Even though I haven’t been a victim of molestation I know of a lot of people who are and a few times I’ve seen it happen in front of my eyes. It’s unbelievable. It can be anyone from Quran teachers to close relatives even mahrams of the child! SubhanAllah the minds of the people out there are corrupt and it’s sickening to think about the acts the engage themselves in. Earlier I believed that such things were abundant in places like Indian & Pakistan (3rd world countries) but that doesn’t seem to be the case. They’re lurking everywhere, ready to pounce on any innocent child that they can get their hands on. I’m scared to let my children be alone in the company of anyone other than their parents. My mother was molested as a child and she still recalls the incidents with a lot of remorse to this day when she’s in her old age. It has left an impact on her life and she has carried it with her life long. She was VERY protective of me and my siblings and always told us to be on gaurd and she always made us feel comfortable in sharing everything with her. So if we ever would have experienced something like this we would have never hesitated to go tell her about it. I think having this kind of relationship with our kids is vital. May Allah protect us ALL from such evil, AMEEN.
Also wanted to add, one of our family members has been under a lot of suspicion lately and this person is very close to me. I was devastated when I found out at first but when it came to this person coming in contact with my children I was always vigilant and never let them be alone with him. It’s very saddening for me and it took me a long time to get over certain things that I came to know. It still haunts me and I am always making dua that this person repents and stops doing such acts. If I wasn’t aware of it, there would be NO WAY I could suspect anything of such degree from him. So to all the parents out there PLEASE be VERY careful and expect it from the unexpected.
This is an article addresses child molestation with its primary focus,
its occurrance amongst Muslims and Islamists.
I agree that Muslims can steal, do zina, molestation, etc..
Helpline etc; excellant.
What I would like these reformists amongst the Muslims to “ALSO” address,
even with help if they have to, is this:
WHAT IS THE ISLAMIC RULING / punishment on child molestation?
AND WHAT should the Muslims do to bring about this law in the lands that they live?
Abu Uthman
Toronto,
Canada
To elaborate on Br. pakMuslim’s comment, Madrasahs have been a very common ground where children have been molested.
Even in America, you’d be surprised what goes on inside some of those places where the deen of Allah is being sought and his book memorized.
As a past madrasah student, I remember that the teachers were VERY strict with how the students would interact. There were no doors on any rooms, no two students were allowed to be alone without a third party, there was a night guard who’d constantly come and check up on the kids, etc.
Forgive me if I go off on a tangent.
I do remember though that a student had transferred in from another madrasah who didn’t seem like anything special at first, but after he left our madrasa after a few months, we found out that the reason he transferred to our madrasah was because he was kicked out of the other place for molesting another student (this was a proven fact from different sources).
If you’re a parent and have a child in a madrasah, make sure you establish a good relationship with his teachers and friends, and if possible, try to have him come home every night and sleep (some madrasahs have boarding options, but in my humble opinion, I wouldn’t recommend it for students).
Though my post may be edited/deleted for this statement, but I wanted to make a comment on what happened with ********* last year. (For those who don’t know, ********* was a teacher in Darul Uloom al-Madania in Buffalo, NY who was found to have married one of his students without her parents consent.) In madrasah, the relationship between students and teachers is very strong. If the teacher says to do something, usually students won’t disobey their teacher under normal circumstances. ****** told his student to marry him because “it would be beneficial for her deen.” Make sure your child doesn’t fall into this same trap. Speak to your child and have them tell you everything their teacher spoke to them about during the day. And also tell your child to interact with all the teachers and not just one, for that could create issues in the long run, if you know what I mean.
I believe that we should have a post in the future regarding male-molestation, because I also have met men who are now completely messed up mentally and psychologically, because they were abused as children. One of these men went to a Catholic boys school in Pakistan, and was molested by one or more nuns, and by virtue of that, he is still so depressed that his marital life, his role as a father, is all messed up.
Another angle is to also a look at boys being molested by aunts and their sisters – maybe?
-Edited.
A post on boy molestation is very much needed, however, i cannot do this but inshaAllah I hope someone will. I didn’t come across any male victims except that one family Amad mentioned where the husband was molested in his Catholic Boarding school in Karachi. He was a messed up husband and his wife finally divorced him, he was a case of extreme personality disorder and totally abandoned religion from his life.
Although, as i was researching for this article i read a lot about male victims and it seems like that precocious sexuality (which i discussed in part II b) is a very common side effect amongst male victims. And at one point i was thinking that perhaps it could be ONE of the reasons of pornography addiction among Muslim men, wAllahu ‘alam.
Jazaakillaah khayr Umm Reem for writing about this much needed issue.
I agree about a post on boy molestation. I’ve heard similar stories and I feel its equally important.
May Allaah protect the honour of Muslims.
I’ve read so far many incidents happening within the Pakistani/Indian families. Do we have incidents in other Muslim countries as well?
Jazaakee Allaahu khayran, Umm Reem, for taking the time out to prepare this sorely needed piece. It has already started a dialog between me & my wife on this issue, and alhamdulillaah, we are trying to plan our family life to protect ourselves (yes!) and our family members from either being victims or transgressors. Remember the hadeeth of the Messenger of Allaah, salallaahu ?alayhi wa sallam:
^ JazakhAllahu kheir for that reminder! Sometimes its could be that the person just needs to get married ASAP or they might have some sort of illness, all and all we need to make dua’s for them.
@brohter- their are a lot of gruesome stories from other countries too and the parents mostly choose to ignore the situation all together if they dont blame the child that is.
I think one thing the communities need to work on is speaking the community in general and telling them that these incidents should not be ignored and that their childs safety and emotions are greater then this “dignity” that they are trying to protect.
One incident that happened in my community had all the parents come together and decide that keeping what had happened to their daughters should be kept a secret and that the authorities should not be made aware of this predator that lurks in the masjid and teaches the kids as a substitute when the quran teacher is not there.
grrr this really upsets and will make me that much more protective over my daughter and just as much my sons.
p.s I always wondered why mom never let us sleep over friends or family members homes, EVEN my brother!
p.s.s I have 5 REALLY close friends, 4 out of 5 including myself have had either one or 2 incidents.
Allah Mustan
Bismillah
As’salamu Alaikum. I want to applaud MuslimMatters for writing on this subject. This is indeed a grave reality of humanity regardless of race, religion, or geographic location. Indeed many people think that this is rare in the Muslim community (like other taboo topics) but when you being to ask or be one of those people others trust and come to for help, you begin to realize that this has occurred at an alarming rate.
I noticed there was a request for someone to do an article about men as well being molested. I think to save time and energy, the rest of the articles should be addressed for both audiences, not just females, since it happens to both boys and girls.
And out of curiosity, is there someone who can find out if this subject was addressed from our scholars in the days past? It would be an interesting subject to look into.
Brother: yes this happens in other Muslim countries too. In fact, Egypt aired a show on TV making awareness among people about this…
Megan: I have already finished the series so I cannot change it. Besides, as I said since I myself didn’t deal with any male victims I cannot speak for them.
Scholars have addressed this issue and I have compiled a number of fatawas in the last section “solutions”. So inshaAllah just wait until the conclusion of the series and you will see it there…
Not saying: why don’t you advise that person, perhaps it will be beneficial for him.
Also, it is good that parents protect their children by not letting them have sleepovers, however, in several cases sleeping over had nothing to do with the molestation. Little Naureen was not allowed to have sleepover either….as i said it only takes being alone with the victim for few minutes…
What parents need to realize, and again I cannot emphasize enough, is to educate their child. The child MUST know about his/her body parts, what needs to be protected from others, MUST have the confidence that he/she can approach his/her parents if anything goes wrong, and this confidence comes from an open communication.
Jazak Allahu khair for the reply. I had a feeling this happens everywhere, but this is the first time I’m hearing so many situations within Muslim communities. SubhanAllah. I’ve been to Pakistan recently and my cousins mentioned how this stuff happens in madrassahs, but I couldnt sit and imagine this happens to that degree within families. One incident relates how there was an islamic gathering in a nearby madrassah and 4-6 girls were drugged and kidnapped. Madrassahs stories are the ones you hear more commonly.
Can somebody please post the hadeeth about separating the beds
From Amr b. Shu’aib, from his father, from his grandfather, who said : Rasulullah s.a.w said :”Prescribe prayers to your children when they are seven years of age, and punish them (if they do not say them) when they are ten years old of age, and separate their beds (at that age)”. ( Abu Dawud )
SubhanAllah
Thank you for starting this series. May Allah reward you, ameen
There is no better cure for such a problem than knowledge.
Assalam alaikum wa rahmatullah,
Sister Umm Reem, may Allah reward you for your courage!
I need some advice on this issue…
Donnow where to start…
…I have 3 year old son…I caught my brother in law’s son (13-14) making my toddler son sit on his lap and he was lying down…as well I caught one more time, in my bedroom, fondling him…To be honest, I was about to slaughter this animal child….however, I could not catch him do it, I could see though…he was pretending it innocent…All I could was shook him away from my son…Struggling how to share this with my wife…
From that molesting child I heard once that his father holds his ass and his private parts, auzibillah…I would not have believed had I not seen his father holding his 20 year old brother’s private part trying to measure it, auzibillahi minashshaytanirrojiym….to be honest…i am left speechless…I was attacked myself as a teenager my maternal uncle at night, asking me to perform an act of sodomy on him…Alhamdulillah, I had the strength to escape his hug…could not tell my parents, what an embarassment, told my brother who was in military, he laughed confirming that he was also attacked by the same person…
I had this traumatic experience…never want my son to live through this…please share your thoughts, how could I tell this to my wife, and I could prevent him from this…
Jazakumullah khairan.
Aba Abdullah, if you don’t me suggesting something for you. Have your wife read these articles. In case she doesn’t read English or is not fluent in it, read and translate the main points from it. Then tell her what you saw and how things like these will affect your son in the future, if you both don’t do something about it. Obviously, you cannot let this 13-yr old boy be alone with your son anymore… You should also print these articles and give it to the boy’s father, so he understands how he is impacting the pscyhology of his children, and how he haraam this action is. This is not the time to be sensitive about family relations, this is the time for action and making sure your family is safe from predators. Wallahualam.
Just reading all this makes me feel sick. I too was molested by my Quran tutor (I’m a guy), I obviously don’t intend to divulge the details, as they are quite explicit, and disturbing.
Although, I feel I’ve moved on, I know that incident has affected me in some way. One, being that I cannot stand anyone touching me (be it my parents, sisters etc.), another might be me being a social recluse. I can’t really understand why, but I feel that incident also distanced me from my dad.
“I had this traumatic experience…never want my son to live through this…please share your thoughts, how could I tell this to my wife, and I could prevent him from this…”
Man, you’ve gotta separate your son from that kid, and cut off all ties with that family! I have no idea where you’re from, but the problem with some people from the Asian sub-continent is that they value the feelings of their relatives to an unhealthy extent. I know someone who was molested by a relative, and has to keep it shushed up, just because the offender is part of the family, and exposing his perverted and sick assault would hurt the “feelings of his relatives” who happen to be close relatives of the victims mother! This in my opinion is transparently wrong! Leaving a person like this unchecked, could endanger others in the family.
*I meant, Indian sub-continent not Asian. Silly me.
I know of a family were the elder brother who was 16yrs tried to molest her 10 yr old sister.But she refused his advances and ran away.The parents just blamed the girl to have more haya,and keep the family honour.This was a highly reserved very well to do family where the kids were not frank with the parents.
Aslamu-alaikum:
@AMAD
“I believe that we should have a post in the future regarding male-molestation, because I also have met men who are now completely messed up mentally and psychologically, because they were abused as children. One of these men went to a Catholic boys school in Pakistan, and was molested by one or more nuns, and by virtue of that, he is still so depressed that his marital life, his role as a father, is all messed up”
Yes I agree with you. My ex told me that in his college in Hasan Abdal, some times men used to molest other boys and i just couldn’t believe it. but it is true. Actually i have heard about more men being molested than girls. I guess parents think that boys can protect themselves(MAYBE).
and even in Catholic Schools as well. I have heard about that as well. My ex told me that too.
anyway its just horrific.
Many of the boys and all boys school are also physically abused and that needs to be addressed as well because than these abused boys tend to abuse as fathers………..
salam
Scholars have said, when they explain the verse of the the Quran that lists a woman’s mahrem, that this is because a woman is most closely related to these blood relatives. These close blood relatives, by nature, do not have any attraction/inclination towards their daughters, grand-daughters, sisters and neices. Which is why the hijab is not commanded, infront of them, and they are allowed to travel with them and be alone with them, etc These close blood relatives are there to protect their women from predators outside.
So, how is it that these very family members/relatives could feel ‘that’ way for their female ward? Its baffling!
ASLAMU-ALAIKUM:
@Aba Abdullah (need advice
YOU KNOW WHATS MAKING ME UPSET .WHY ARE YOU CARING ABOUT FAMILY SENSITIVITIES WHEN YOU SHOULD GET YOUR SON AWAY FROM THIS 13 YEAR OLD.
SALAM
Abu Abdullah:
please protect your child. Keep him away from that boy and the family if needed. Talk to you wife…what are you waiting for? sorry for being so upfront, but realize that you are the one who is entrusted with your child’s protection, he cannot do it himself so don’t leave him alone…this is not the time to worry about ur relationship with your family… I am sure if you talk to your wife and explain to her seriously, she would understand.
Realize that most of the time mothers/wives are afraid to take an action because they are scared and they don’t have male support by them, if your wife knows that you will take a stand, she will happily stand by your side, inshaAllah. May Allah azzawajal help you and your son.
I will post links to some of the fataws about similar situation and how the shayook emphasized the necessity of keeping the child away from the molester even if it is a blood-relative.
bismillah was salamu alaykum. akhee, Aba Abdullah, may Allah give you strength to do what is right. alhamdolillah. Allah brought you here to find these articles in a time when you are in need of naseeha and support.
this is a test that would cause anyone pain or anguish. but you can succeed, inshaAllah. remember what saved you when you were a child — you did not let fear paralyze you then. you fought back. fight back now.
there is no doubt that what is right is to protect your child from being molested. you know that, alhamdolillah, so what is at issue for you is how.
let’s start with how to deal with who.
(1) your wife. she should be the easiest person to help you protect your son. and i think i understand the source of hesitation — have you ever told her about the attempted molestation of you by your relative? you do not need to discuss the answer here — that is a private question and this is a public forum, but i mention it so that other people on this forum will show more restraint, inshaAllah.
i do not know what is in your heart, and neither does your wife. but Allah Knows. and He has given you a chance to protect your son in a way that no person protected you. so be strong, akhee. be strong, and let your wife be a strength for you, inshaAllah.
if it helps, take this tack when you discuss your own past with her — emphasize that Allah gave you the strength to get away from that molester, but that no one else came to your help. and emphasize that you and she can do for your son what no one did for you. and then let her be strong with you.
(2) your son — use the contact information that will help you get the advice you need to speak to your son with clarity and with protection of his innocence, inshaAllah, to explain to him what is his awrah, and how and why to protect it. and that there are other ways that he should not let people approach him, and how he can get your attention and your wife’s when he needs it. something as simple as a loud and shrill whistle might help save your child — though you may want to be sure he won’t use the whistle except in an emergency. i once gave such a whistle to an adult non-relative. years later she told me that it helped her call for aid when she was in a strange city and someone had attempted to attack her. subhanAllah.
(3) whether you need outside help or not — i think it is good to contact Umm Reem and the other resources mentioned in these articles. do not be afraid to ask for help. but do be aware that you have a duty to protect your child. if you live in the US, and you do not protect your child, especially when you are aware of a threat, you may risk many of your rights as a parent. and may Allah protect you from it.
this is a terrible test. but you can succeed, inshaAllah. remember what saved you when you were a child — you did not let fear paralyze you.
(4) everyone else. everyone else is either (a) a direct threat to the safety of your child, and thus someone you need to keep away from your child by every ethical and legal restraint; (b) a source of help for you and your wife — and you should use them to the extent using them helps you — help might be in creating the buffer between your family and the source of threats; or (c) people who have no help to offer and no threat to be guarded against. do not let group (c) have your attention now.
you must focus on protecting your family.
and you are the best person for this job. i say this with conviction: Allah will never test any person with a trial except that that person has the capacity to succeed in it. they are ayaat you have heard before, but go read them again — right at the end of surah Baqarah. you were meant to succeed in this test, akhee. so go to it.
Assalamu-alaikum…… wanted to share some incidents that prove that no place is safe from these predators… My husband says that when they were kids, he and his gang of friends , ages 4-10 used to go to a public pool to swim, and this middle-aged guy used to try and ‘help’ the boys to swim, but actually just wanted to fondle them Auudhubillaah, and they were so young that even though they sensed that here was something ‘wrong’, thay didnt know what to do, until one boy told his brother, and then they all shared their experiences, and they just stopped going there
Another young boy, and his hostel-mates, all 8-10 years old were stripped naked by their female ‘warden’ at the slightest pretext of mischief from even one of the boys, and she would make them stand in a line and keep staring at their bodies, and any boy who dared hide his privates out of shame, was punished by being stripped even longer than the others. None of these kids ever had the guts to inform their parents.
My mother told me how such things even happened at Makkah, Madinah, Mina,,, she experienced it, and saw it happen to others… and she was powerless to do anything about it…
Another episode that traumatizes me is that while i was in KSA on vacation, my 18 month old daughter was running around in this shoe-store, and this sales-man, being pseudo-affectionate, picked her up, one hand between her legs, the other over her chest to apparently seat her on a stool, and i wasnt able to do anything. it just sickens me to my stomach that it happened, that i couldn’t do anything, and that these leches won’t even spare a toddler…. i felt just as mute, and sick and clueless as the times it happened with me, as a kid growing up in KSA, as a teenager in India, but later, i started carrying around an umbrella, or a stick or something to hit anybody who tried anything in a public place like a bus-stop, or actually scream back at the perpetrator in public, and once I actually complained to a police officer, and that too, only because it was my work-place and the officer was a muslim ; in the US, i doubt i could do anything since u keep hearing stories of how dangerous it is to resist any attacker….never know who might pull out a gun/brandish a knife……
Bismillah
I think Shaikh Bin Baz’s fatwa committee has some good analyses of the causes behind molesters’ behavior, and some proposed solutions. Please click here to go to a question on IslamQA.com.
Salaam aleikoum,
Insha’Allah the molestors will get their punishment soon.
scary……
JazakAllah khayr for addressing this situation, Umm Reem! I was very happy and depressed at the same time to read this post.
My little sister was molested at a very young age and didn’t tell me until she was much older. I don’t think she held back because she didn’t think she would be believed; our family is very close alhamdulillah. She was just too young to understand what was going on. And even then she told the molestor “No!” several times, but he lied to her and said disgusting things like, “Allah has allowed me to do so” (our family is fairly religious and that sicko knew it).
He was also a relative.
Now I have children of my own, alhamdulillah. Because of my sister’s experience, I already tell my toddler that no one can touch his private parts. I hope you cover how and when to start talking to our children.
jazakAllah khayR!
If this exists in the Muslim world, it is certainly a problem; but I am sure it does not exist in the epidemic proportions that it does in the Christian world, where even many priests practice it.
I wouldn’t be so sure. I think it is not addressed in the Muslim world. I know a brother in tableegh who is a child molestor. And I’ve heard of imams/hifdh teachers raping/molesting their students.
May Allah protect our kids.
Mohammed Tarfun, the story you mentioned isn’t a secret:
http://www.buffalonews.com/cityregion/buffaloerie/story/424210.html
It’s a horrible story… there are so many lessons in this, but I wouldn’t know even where to start.
anonymous: wallahualam… but I don’t think the Imam molestation thing is at epidemic levels as it is in the Catholic priests. There is a reason for this. The priests don’t have marital options, Imams do. So, when the natural inclinations are suppressed, then one can expect a greater reaction. I have known many Imams and Shayookh… they may have gone into Islamically-legal options beyond one wife, but relatively speaking, it isn’t that bad in the illegitimate areas… wallahualam.
Sh Jamal (hafiduhullah), in one of his recent lectures on the Purification of the Soul was talking about how the mind can be used for evil or how it can be used for the benefit in this life and the hereafter. subhanAllah, it amazes me how when a person intends to commit evil, he plans and plots so much. The mind is absorbed by his evil plans and is blind to any sense of morality. I’d say this is the case with any evil/sin that is committed, but in cases of sexual nature, it becomes even more heightened.
May Allah protect our children and our families, ameen
As-Salaam Alaikum,
I recived this link quite late,
Subhan’Allah, your msgs emphasizes the importance of educating own children about Haya and the importance of making them aware of their Awrah, Alhumdulillah. But just one more point:
It is also necc. for parents to make themselves accessible to their kids, build a bond between them so if such an instance should arise, a boy does not shy away from telling his father and a girl does not feel ashamed to speak to her mother. Oftimes children feel unsure of their parents reactions or feel too ashamed to talk openly to them, we must make our children feel their thoughts and secrets are safe with us.
As any adult, a child’s trust is broken when his feels are openly discussed or joked about infront of others, parents be aware of your children’s rights upon you; they are no less than the rights other Muslim adults have upon you.
It is also a good idea to speak with your spouse about the possibility/reality of these dangers and IF a situation were to arise, may Allah (SWT) forbid and have mercy upon us all, how would they communicate with each other. Because it is such a horrific act, both the parents need to be aware of it and support their child.
I know some women are afraid of going to their husbands in these situations fearing that the husband would somehow blame them, not the predator. It is easier to blame the wife or the child rather than face a possible family member. Regardless, the husband and wife should be on the same page in this situation.
I don’t know if this has been mentioned in the numerous comments, but it’s also important to make sure adults don’t incriminate themselves.
For example I know that teachers and scout leaders should never put themselves in a situation where they are alone with a child, like teachers would be discouraged from entering the student washrooms.
Parents may have to think about how to arrange sleepovers or visits to friends/family so that everyone, adults included are comfortable and safe e.g. if a daughter’s friend comes over to visit but only the husband is home, that might not be suitable anymore. this would protect all parties.
Umm Reem any suggestions on how to bring up this touchy topic of safe visits?
As Salamu alaykum wa rahamthullah,
I got this thread very lately but still astonished to find so many things going on in islamic coutires and islamic homes…esp madarasa ones…and buffalo story is heard to believe…very hard to believe t statements from t so called imam. A’oodhubillah.
I wait eagerly for the thrid part to seek solutions as to how to protect more and let t children believe it is for their safety and not rigidity jus for them…and i don want to take any risks for my children. Al though my son is very small, <1 year, i want to be alert and make him alert before anything comes in his way. Hasbunallah Wani’amal wakeel.
for my brothers and those who are fathers:
http://loga-abdullah.blogspot.com/2008/11/fatherly-advice.html
my brother has been molested in a rehabilatation center for drugs and when he told our parents they refused to believe whatever he said they said hes making up stories but i know hes not hes 22 today and still cant get over it.i read about the symptoms on a website they all match to his behaviour at the moment he is suffering through bipolar,suicidal behaviour,bad grades in school,he still takes drugs and hurts himself aswell..i dont know what to do as a younger sister.please tell me some way through which i could prove to our parents tht he has been taken advantage of,he tells me all the time tht he only wishes they would believe him sumday.and today im posting this because he tried to commit suicide again this morning.i cant do much.please help me.
I have not ever been a victim of molestation, and I have never really known anyone who was definitively molested, however I believe that death is too good for the animals that do this.
They should have their hands and feet cut off from alternative sides, they should then be crucified over three days, and if they live then they should be experimented on for the good of man kind.
Harsh as it may be, the act on a child is the most disgusting thing one can do.
I call on all of those who are truly outraged to join with me, we can not eradicate this problem today, however in due time we can. I am sound like a delusional individual but listen to me.
In the next 10 years or so technology will advance so much in the West that it may be possible to actually track every human being. Already RFID devices exist which emit radio frequency’s that can be scanned from a hundreds of feet, in the future they may some form of radio frequency trackers that send of signals that are picked up by other trackers and towers and beamed to satellites. Basically everyone can be tracked (already this is largely true, although I believe current Celluar Technology emits minutely harmful radiation, where as analog radio waves do not, but I may be wrong).
Anyways we can move to an Orwellian World where everyone is being watched, is this necessarily a bad thing? Is any price too much to pay to prevent the rape of a 6 year old girl?
How can we make this happen? By building ourselves as a community and seeking to control the flow of resources. If you control resources you can decide who gets them and you can share only with those who share your world view.
Of course this is not something that can happen overnight, but if you were all serious about preventing such things you would ban together and act in this manner. Believe it or not but those who reside in the West can exert a great amount of influence in the Third World. An unskilled labor in America earns enough to direct the labor of over a dozen men in Yemen, Pakistan, or Egypt. If we acted in an intelligent manner we could but these individuals to work using modern capital to magnify their production and continually use the surplus (profit) to put more people to work.
This may seem off topic, but that is how things can be changed, yet who will rise to change things?
Assalamualaikum, I am 16 years old and I live in America since i was 4. When we first move to America my father bought a small convenient store and converted it into a majid. He used to be the Imam there for a while, then any people started to move to our neighborhood from many different places. Many were without jobs or homes, my father always welcomed them to stay at the masjid.
Then a man coming from Pakistan or India im not sure asked for a job and a place to live. My father gave him a job as being the Quran teacher on our small masjid. Soon he was teaching many students in the madrash, but he always had a gift for me. I was 8 at the time. He told me i knew the best Quran. One day my father told me he was going to come late and my little brother and I were going to have to stay in the masjid with him until Ishaa. So happily i did, the the uncle told my brother and i to go hide (we’d play hide and seek). So i hid in the closet and my brother ran to hide somewhere else. When he found me, he grabbed me and cover my mouth and told me everything was alright. Then he did what he wanted and then gave me another gift. Everyday i would fake sick or make up some excuse not to go to madrasah, i never had the guts to tell my parents. For 2 years this happened to me and i never told a soul. He later moved back to his own country. I must have blocked it out of my memory or something but i never thought of it. But then when i was 12 years old i started to have nightmares and i became afraid of every man i’d meet. So one day i told my cousin and she begged me to tell my parents or she would. so at 3 in the moring i snuck i my parents room. I woke up my mother and told her then she just gave me a look and then asked if my father had heard. they both just stared at me and then my father said we’d talk about it the next day. That “next day” never came.
I thought my parents never cared that much about me, but then i just told myself they were asleep that night i went to them , and they didnt remember what i told them .
But now at 16 and i live in a boarding school a thousand miles away from home. I get nightmares, i wake up screaming and i disturb my roommates.I’m lost in the past always trying to forget.
I truthfully dont know what to do. Is there any advice anyone can give me?
F.K I’m truly sorry for what happened to you and i hope that you get over your nightmares, consult someone for Dua’
But on the other hand I dont think a story about masjid and madrasah be brought up like this, it harms the reputation of Islam. esp today when Islamic institutions are under attack. One can also substitute names and places in such incidents easily.
Remember that out main aim is to protect Islam and our teachers from being pointed at. What this man did was wrong but this incident will lead many to generalize.
I hope you understand what i mean to say.
Wasalam
Salamu alaikum sealed lips,
I understand your point of veiw. But the reason for me telling my story was not only to inform people of my past yet it was to warn others. Yes, protecting our imams and teachers of their faults is incumbent upon us. But you have to realize that humans will always be humans and i my opinion every parent should be informed that just because someone is an imam does not mean that they are sinless. My whole point, wich i guess i should have made more clear was that; We should not hire just anyone. Rather we should make the effort to learn more about them and be a little more careful for the saftey of our children and ourselves.
Jazakallah Khair
umm reem i share this story with great caution, but as you wanted a boy’s tale i thought i will be brave.
when i was 9 i was learning how to drive, my mothers chauffer would teach me. we usually drove outside the city in the suburban deserted area in the afternoon. he would caress my thighs when showing me how to let go of the clutch and brake etc. he later fondled me and soon one day he asked me to fondle him. i was so confused. it became a routine and later he even forced me to come to the servant quarter for full fledged sex. i wish i had spoken up but i was so embarresed to, lest ppl say i was the one who started it.
but when he started this i knew lil of sexual matters and i thought this was ok, as he was a man who prayed 5 times and all, so one day i fondled a cousin of mine who was 18 and he freaked out and told me this was a sin. thats when i realizes the gravity of problem and i hated this man but i could not stop him. thankfully he left the job soon afterwards.
-Edited. Pls do not add comments that are unrelated. You can use the open threads.
my dear little brother….Assalamu-alaikum.
no one can truly fathom what someone else goes through…but it’s obvious that you are deeply disturbed. This is my contribution, and a du’a that Allah Ta’Ala make it easy for you, grant u peace and protect us all from this fahsh.
-make sure you read the sunnah tasbeehaat before you go to sleep, including the istighfaar a 100 times
-sleep on your right side…atleast to begin with
-when u wake up from a bad dream, get up, spit on your left three times and read ‘auoozubillaahi minash-shaytaan-nirrajeem’, and be content that this is from Shaytaan, and InshaAllah nothing bad will happen to you.
-try talking to a learned scholar, such as at an al-maghrib seminar
-get yourself involved in something healthy and fruitful
-be regular in your salah
-get up for tahajjud – at the time when Allah Ta’Ala Himself asks his slaves to ask from Him what they desire
-try not to resent your parents
-try to forgive the perpetrator and pray for him too, while recognizing that it is indeed a grave evil that he had committed
-analyze your life, your activities from day till night…ask yourself if you are doing something that would displease Allah Ta’la, spend your time trying to get rid of your bad habits
-keep praying
Allah Ta’Ala has made us the best of Creation….our Du’a is more powerful than any evil, any waswasaa of the strongest shayateen…have faith, strengthen your Iman…keep the company of those that mention the name of Allag regularly and in whose company you are more likely to better your deen and duniya…
Don’t worry…strengthen yourself against the shayateen. InshaAllah Allah Ta’Ala will grant you peace and sakinah.
Asalaam-u-aliakum, to all.
The responsibility of the well-being of a child is in the hands of the parents. When we have the ablity to teach a child that lying, cheating, steeling etc is worng, and that Allah does not like these acts, we should have the ability to address the issue of sex and what is right and wrong at a certain age with our child(ren).
We have to be the educators, the problem solvers, and mainly the GUIDE that our children need in their life.
May Allah protect us, from the evil that is within ourselves, and the others, Ameen.
Aslamu alakum
i am sickened to my stomach, its horrid and i ask all to make dua and ask Allah to protect so many suffering in this way! It’s a reality be it in a muslim household or not, last year when i was travelling the Magrib i met a wonderful 45yr old teacher , who confinded in me that she had been molested in some way by an older relative , starting at when she was just 3yrs old. This issue had never been address and she stil sees the culprit around, it has caused her so much damage in her life till today. Allah Al mustaan Jazakillah hu khyrun for highlighting this evil for all toread and maybe think again about those precious ammanah we are entrusted too.
I really wish I could believe that something bad would happen to all these people who hurt the kids, I know that Allah swt is most just, but I just cant imagine it happening. I just can’t understand how these people will ever realise how much pain they caused the kids.
JazakAllah khair Umm Reem for posting this, I honestly really do appreciate the time and effort you put into writing this article it is soo important to raise awareness about this. It really frustrates me how so many parents just trust random “auntys/uncles” with their kids. I really hope people read this article and are careful when it comes to their own kids inshAllah.
Assalamu Alaykum,
I would like to point out one thing. Some of these molesters do actually regret what they did. Some of them CHANGE with time. We are all humans, we all did terrible things that we regret, specially at young ages.
I am a male. Back when I was 6-8 years old I was molested by my male cousin(not rape only touching). As time passed by, the behavior became so natural to me. After several years, he grew up and stopped with these act. I was hitting puberty and extremely confused thus I molested another kid(not rape, only touching).
Now, after several years has passed, I am EXTREMELY regretting everything I did. I drew closer to islam and found out what I did what very wrong. I very shy and afraid from my past, but what is done is done and I could not change anything.
Most of these molesters are perverts that deserve to be slaughtered. Thats true, but few of them are good people that are confused and misguided.
May Allah forgive us all.
JazakAllah Khair for talking about this. For years I’ve felt alone and thought noone would understand me when I tell my story but I know that there are many like me. When I was 8 years old my great grandmother had died and everyone in my family were disraught as she was very much loved. She was to be buried in her native and so my whole family packed ourselves in a van and took off for a 7 hour drive. Since the van was very crowded I was made to sit on my cousin brothers lap. If my mother were there she would have never let me sit there but she had already left for the funeral. As we travelled in the night I felt my cousin reaching into my skirt and tugging my underpants and I dint realize wht he was doing. He touched my private parts and my chest. I could not understand what he was doing. And I never heard of any kind of abuse at that time to realize what it was. I wanted to tell my father who was sitting near us but he was tired recovering from an accident and the news of his grandmothers death threw him off. I wanted to tell somebody but everyone were depressed and sad and I dint want to create a seen
Till today I havent told my mother although I want to and I know that she will beleive me. The worst part is my father has done a lot for my cousin with regards to his career. Everytime we have a family get together he is always present. Its been 10 years since I last spoke to him. I act like he is invisible while all I really want to do is rip his face off. Everytime I think about that night I feel so disgusted about myself. i want to tell somebody to let it off my chest. I know that if I tell my family ther will be a lot of tension between our families. This is the first time I’m even acknowledging this. I dont know what to do.
I am a British woman in my thirties. When I was 9 years old my father employed a teacher to come to our home and teach my brother and I to read the Quran. I remain traumatised to this day by what happened, by the unspeakable things this teacher did. He would spend perhaps 15 minutes teaching my younger brother and then dismiss him from the room, insisting that the door be closed and that there be no disturbances. He would then have me reading from the Quran while slipping his hands inside my clothing, he would touch and insert fingers. I felt sick, tears would roll down my cheeks but he did not stop.
It took me weeks to find the courage to tell my mum and when finally I told her she responded with disbelief and anger at me, she could not comprehend that such a thing were possible. As a result the teacher was allowed to continue to come to our home, the abuse went on.
I can categorically say that I have never before or since felt more profoundly abandoned by those who should have loved and protected me. I beg any parent whose child approaches them on such a matter to listen, to trust your child and to protect them. The damage caused by a parent who failed to act was in my case almost as serious as the abuse itself.
Why didn’t my mother believe me? It was not because I was prone to telling stories…far from it. I was a quiet and consciencous child, thoughtful and well-behaved. Her disbelief arose from a naive trust that Muslims do not do such things and in particular a religious scholar who had dedicated his life to teaching could not possibly be guilty of such a crime. She was wrong.
As the abuse went on I retreated inwards, was often tearful, I did what I could to try and protect myself. I found trousers and a sweater that were several sizes too small. It was a struggle to get them on and they restricted my breathing but they achieved their purpose…they were so tight that they prevented his hands from getting inside my clothing.
I now know that as the weeks went by my mother began to notice the change in me, her happy daughter was becoming morose and withdrawn. Very slowly she began to suspect that I had told her the truth. Eventually she asked the teacher to leave. She did not share her true reasons with my father, fearful of what his reaction would be to the situation. For the next six years those events were never spoken about.
During that time I had to find my own path to healing. A powerful and sickening association had been formed emotionally between reading the Quran and those unspeakable acts. It is an association that I fear will be with me all the days of my life. I watched with longing as others seemed to derive joy and comfort from those sacred pages and I prayed to Allah to free me from the painful emotions.
The effect in the end was a withdrawal from faith, I did not want to pray, to read Quran. I felt angry and betrayed. At the muslim girls school I attended I felt it impossible to discuss such issues with anyone. A culture that denies the existence of abuse isolates its victims from the help and support that they so desperately need.
I was 15 years old when finally I spoke out. I had prepared my father a cup of tea and was bringing it to him when he commented that my younger sister who was then 9 needed to learn to read the Quran more fluently. He said that he was going to re-hire the teacher who had taught me and my brother. My reaction was immediate and intense. Something inside me snapped and I knew in that moment that I was capable of doing absolutely anything to protect her. She would not meet with my fate, I would sooner die than let that happen.
I objected vehemently to hiring the teacher. When asked why I said I didn’t like him and that someone else should be found. Dad dismissed my objections, accusing me of being rebellious and of rejecting my faith and culture. He said that it wasn’t up to me and he was going to hire the man anyway. At this point I had no choice, I swallowed my fear and did what I should have done years before. I told him what happened.
Dad flew into a rage, shouted at me, called me a liar. He stormed out of the house. I burst into tears, feeling the pain of his words like a knife. I retreated to my room , reliving the whole experience over and over, the abuse itself, the disbelief of my mother and now the disbelief of my father.
Dad returned home late that evening, I heard subdued talking between him and Mum. Eventually Mum came to my room and explained what had happened. Dad had gone to the mosque and spoken to the Imam. He had asked about the teacher and related what I had said. The Imam confirmed that other families had reported similar incidents and that the response of the Mosque was to restrict this teacher to working with groups of children at the mosque only. No reports were being made to the police, no other action was being taken.
This final betrayal by the Imam and by the elders of the mosque marked the beginning of the end of my faith in Islam. So concerned were they with the reputation of the mosque and the community that they would rather sweep such a thing under the carpet than weed out this evil from their midst. They would rather betray innocent children than have the courage to uphold justice in the eyes of God.
Three years later at University I met a fellow student who to this day epitomises for me what a real Muslim is. She was a quiet, calm thoughtful young woman from Rotherham. She overflowed with genuine caring and compassion for her fellow human beings. While being committed to Islam she remained open-minded and so accepting of others. For the first time in my life I felt I could talk about my experiences, share the crisis of faith that I had experienced. She did not angrily reject me when I confessed to doubting Islam. Instead she offered me a warm and welcoming environment in which to explore my thoughts and feelings and to feel supported and cared for by another Muslim. She contributed a great deal to my healing, something I will be eternally grateful for.
After University we lost touch. I was in my late twenties when I saw her again. We passed one another in a shopping centre and after a few moments of conversation she introduced me to her daughter who was asleep in a pushchair…”This is Mariam” she said, smiling. I was speechless, totally lost for words, she had named her beautiful little daughter after me. I looked at that child and I knew immediately how safe and loved she was. I knew that what happened to me could never happen to her because she was blessed with parents who were not afraid of the uncomfortable subjects. I knew that this Mariam would be able to tell her mother if something was worrying her no matter what it was and that knowledge filled me with the most tremendous happiness.
Now in my thirties I look back on my own experiences with great sadness. I see little progress in the community in terms of tackling this issue, attitudes by and large remain closed. It is encouraging however to see this discussion thread and that’s why I felt I wanted to share my story here. If by sharing this the mind of just one person is opened enough to make them vigilant and watchful for this kind of abuse then it will have served its purpose. The muslim world is no more immune to this type of crime than any other and it is the denial of that fact that actively aids the perpetrators in their abuse while intensifying the trauma for victims.
Mariam
Thank you for sharing the horrific story Sr. Mariam, as well as the heart-warming last paragraphs.
Indeed this is despicable. I cannot imagine how parents would not believe their own children. If anything, they could have just OBSERVED for themselves. I mean your mum could have moved the Qaree to a central location in front of everyone or put up a camera or something. And ultimately this teacher should have been thrown in jail… I just don’t buy the nonsense about the “mosque reputation”. I mean the mosque or the Muslims are not responsible for perverts within our communities. Every community has pedaphiles… they need to be taken care of by the criminal agencies, not protected by houses of worship!
Finally, I am glad that you recognized that the actions of individual Muslims can never be blamed on Islam itself. This is a mistake that feeds Islamophobia among non-Muslims and creates doubts among Muslims… I can only imagine how the pain and betrayal would make this distinction hard, but I hope and pray that you will let the true practice of faith whitewash the darkness left by those who didn’t just betray you, but betrayed Islam.
Bismillah,
SubhanAllaah, these people make me soo angry! and I’m not someone who is easily angered.
Umm Reem, jazakillahu khayrun for bringing this up, I knew it’s something that is common, yet to this extent, I’m shocked beyond measure.
I know it hurts, but we should teach our kids now to be confident young mumins, those who are strong, fearing no-one but Allaah, and we as those who are growing up should resonate this confidence in our communites and those around us.
– One of don’t mess with Islam. Cuz you’ll get it straight back with evidence and you’ll be made quiet (it works wonders if you have the correct akhlaaq
) — with some!
Even as it goes on, if we work on ourselves as individuals, those who have been through this may come to us and we can inshaAllaah help them out.
May Allaah ‘azza wa jal forgive us and them as the fire is not something that anyone would want to enter. Aameen.
Salam alaikum,
I apologize for not keeping up with the replies here. I was extremely tied up with my move in past six months…
UmmA: for safe visits, keeping a good and close communications with the kids is the key. Educate them on how to guard them, what is allowed and what is not, speak to them when they come back about how their visit went etc. Also, avoid sending your daughters to a house alone where there are older boys, i.e brothers or uncles.
Sad Sister: May Allah help you and your brother. If I were you and I failed to convince my parents, I would try to get help from someone else, from somewhere else, even if it takes getting authorities involved, I wouldn’t hesitate.
Don’t be disheartened at your parents denial, they are not the first ones to do so…there are many…and that is primarily why this evil has widespread in our communities…
FK: Truly what happened is extremely disheartening…may Allah help you, Although, your parents didn’t assist you, it does mean that you should not try to seek help with someone else. Is there any family you can trust and talk to about this? At the same time, please get some professional help. Also try to find a knowledgeable person and talk to him.
There is a book, Courage to Heal, try to read it. It comes with a workbook, make sure you get that too.
Regret the past: May Allah forgive you, may Allah give the courage to the person you molested to forgive you and guide you and the others in your situation.
Jazakallah Khair,
Speaking to a family memeber might help alot, but i fear that they would not understand that its a long healing process. i have opened up to two or three people but their reactions were not very understanding. I think its hard to understand because it was a long time ago and they really dont see how it would conflict with my life now.
But i did look at the book online, hopefully i will order it soon.
F.K
mariam: Thank you for stepping forward and sharing your story with us. It is indeed a lesson for the parents who prefer to hush up matters then fulfilling their obligations and duties as parents in protecting their children physically and emotionally.
It is also a lesson for the care takes or our masajids and communities, it is high time they should realize that the reputation of the masjid/imam is not more important then psychologically damaging someone and giving a WRONG impression of the religion to others to the point that they lose trust in their own faith, iyyadhobillah…
What your parents did is wrong and a terrible mistake on their part but unfortunately, as you must have read in my series, is a typical reaction of parents. I hope and I pray that parents change their approach to this problem and take proper measures in helping their children.
Dear sister, as for what that evil man did, I have no words to describe the wrong and evil of his action. It is one thing to molest a child but to molest while Allah’s Words are being recited!! It only shows the evil and wickedness of his soul, his diseased heart and mind, ayyodhoillah….
Although I understand your emotional reaction towards the Quran/Quranic recitation, please do realize and understand that the actions of that evil person should not be a mean to judge the religion itself. Islam is a religion that protects the interest of every single soul, especially children.
I hope and pray that one day you will be able to study Qur’an keeping the hatred of that man aside, inshaAllah then you will realize the beauty and perfection of Allah’s Words…I hope and pray that it happens soon.
Salaam,
Thank you for this extremely relevant post. It is very upsetting to hear such stories but we have to understand that all human beings have the same capacity to commit evil no matter what their claimed faith is. People have to have a good, true understanding of Islam if they want to claim to be true Muslims.
Our communities have to get out of denial, we have to have an open, honest relationship between children and parents, trusted elders. People must give basic sexual education to children at a very young age and tell their children to report anyone who misbehaves with them. Honestly, I wouldn’t be satisfied until these perpetrators were justly punished for the pain they’re causing innocent children everywhere.
No one should leave their children alone with adults of the opposite gender especially if they aren’t trusted, close relatives who you know very well. As for so called “religious” teachers who do this, this is one of the most upsetting category, I heard of such a person in a neighborhood in NY. He was thrown out of the community but people have to report these cases to the police so that we don’t have repeat offenders who’ll just find more victims elsewhere. I hope and pray than everyone who is a victim of sexual predators fully recovers and that the culprits are justly punished and repent for their evil actions.
Peace
Bismillah
Assalamu alaikum,
Firstly, may Allah bless you and increase your reward for addressing this pertinent topic – InshaAllah if you could please contact me via email as I need to discuss a few things related to the issue of abuse in the Muslims community.
Secondly, although I haven’t read the whole article (but will do inshaAllah!) I just wanted to point out and clarify that the response of ‘Noreen’s’ mother is neither strange nor particular to the ‘Muslim’ community. I have done a lot of research in this field and one of the striking things that came out was that ‘denial’ and shock was the ‘normal’ response from parents. Friends, colleagues, people at large appear to be very supportive and empathic but the response from parents is/was not so warm. I think this because it must very difficult if not impossible for a parent to accept their child has been ‘violated’ whilst under their care SubhanAllah! Not only this but they also have to deal with the fact that the person was someone very close to them if not a father, brother, nephew or friend Allahu Musta’an. Someone they trusted – someone who is usually well known and respected in the community. So I guess from that angle it must prove even more painful and the sense of failure as a parent must be profound. A parent – who cares for their child, shelters them from all harm, protects them – SubhanAllah to find your protection, your shelter, your care did not protect your child from violation must be horrific. There are a number of studies on this and I would suggest people research and look into.
My own research showed that regardless of faith, background and age – disclosure was often very difficult on parents and Allah knows best.
I’d also like to mention at this point research indicates around 20-25% of people are sexually abused – however, this is only the tip of the iceberg and based upon reported cases. My guess is the figure is much higher. Unfortunately, in the Muslim or perhaps I should say South Asian community it appears to be a very taboo issue and is seldom if ever discussed. For some reason people are very uncomfortable talking about these issues and perhaps feel it doesn’t happen in ‘our community’. I myself have had professional people make comments along the lines of ‘I know it happens but I’d rather not know about it. !!!
I will end here and look forward to hearing from the author of the article inshaAllah.
Any good herein is from Allah any errors from myself.
wasalamu alaikum
As Salamu waalaikum. These stories have brought tears to my eyes. By the will of Allah (SWT), I am one of those victims too. Actually, I quite dislike labeling myself as that. I have moved on decades ago and Alhamdulillah have a happy life. Different person reacts/copes differently; I would say I am probably the most easy going person you will meet. I am simple and I take people as they come without adding any judgement which is one of the things that the molester took advantage of. People would probably find it hard to believe such an incident happened in my life. Alhamdulillah. I do not want to give too much away.
Anyhoo, I am generally an honest person and I hate to lie (No bragging people). I try to stay quiet or avoid something if I fear that the only way getting out of it would be to lie. I am not married and I would hope my ‘past’ would not strain the relationship between me and my husband. I am generally a calm person and can rarely be angry at anyone. Dare I say, I cannot even hate my molester. Islam discourages hatred. I can also say that the reason for not being able to hate the molestor may have little to do with my feeling of guilt. Yeah, the common symptom!
I can say it with all my heart that I have no complaints to Allah (SWT). Infact, it makes me love Allah (SWT) more with the knowledge that this trial in life could very well save me in the hereafter. Trials are way of cutting down one’s sins. Allah’s (SWT) mercy is truly beautiful.
However…
What worries me the most is that:
1. Should I tell this to my future husband? If so, before (what is the gurantee that I will end up with this person) or after marriage(Although it will be a very unpleasant situation for me. Who would want their very first words to be that of something ugly)?
2. I would like to tell him but I fear he may treat me differently because of that, even if unintentionally. After all, most men wants pure wife. It is an natural instinct to want and care for something in its purest form and I am not blaming men for that. Life is not meant to be simple, I guess!
If I do not tell him and as a result, if he suspects me (the cultural yada-yada – you know the legendary wedding night mark. I feel disgusted just saying that but who is to say that it would not matter to him or his family! God Forbid, I say. Double standards, I say. But I will have to face the reality one day or night.), and knowing me how I cannot hide a thing if confronted, should I tell him? Poor him, I will be spoiling his big night.
[Here, I am making a big assumption because my memory of the 'past' is not clear and for all you know I might still be erm...pure as they say. Let's just assume for now. I cannot really run to someone for advice on the big day, as absurd as it may sound. I have this internal debate going on. I dont know if I am or not. Personally, I do not really believe in his cultural tradition. But the more I hear about divorces due to such issues, it worries me and bothers me to no end.]
I really dislike going into details but I need some advice if I may.
3. Even if I do tell him and he seems absolutely fine with it, I will deep down worry that it might bother him. And if he does something which hurts me emotionally, theres a very big chance that I will blame my past for that, thinking it does bother him when it may not/when he may be upset with me for something else entirely. (Questions my trust in him does not it? But, my mind cannot help it.)
I am in a massive dilemma here. I would not want him to think that I am unfaithful to him. My past does not bother me much but it is my future which worries me. I would really hate to disappoint him and make him feel deprived of a pure wife that he could have had if I told him earlier/or if it was not for me being meant to be with him. But, as with most marriages, it is not really possible to discuss such a sensitive issue with the fiancee and who is to say that he will keep it as an amanah? Not to mention, as I said, who is to gurantee that the said person will end up as my husband.
I would like both brothers’ and sisters’ comment on this, please.
Jazakallah Khair!
May Allah (SWT) reward you many many times and many times multiplied for the one who compiled/wrote this article. It really made me understand my self better. May Allah (SWT) help us all muslims live through toughest of times with our Imaan by our side, faith in Allah’s (SWT) mercy in our heart that reaches every corner of our being. Ameen.
I appreciate the effort from the deepest core of my heart and soul.
Salaam.
Survive, Never Fall!
A Muslim can never be in short of honor and worth.
Bismillah,
Assalamu ‘alaikum,
My dear sister, May Allah remove your worries and replace them with sweet relief and may he grant you a spouse who is a source of comfort in this life and the next. Ameen. I’m going to respond to your post backwards, meaning begin with your worry re marriage and work back from there *smile*
From your post I ‘pick up’ that although, mashaAllah you say your past does not worry you, it seems it does as you are overly worried about your future marriage. This is not a criticism. Your worry seems to centre around your future husband and the need for him to have a ‘pure gift’ in other words an untouched wife (?). and how you feel by virtue of your past experience, which, by the way you had no control over, you will be spoiling it for your husband and disappointing him.
The first thing – you had no choice in what was inflicted upon you as a child so how can you be impure? It also appears you think you are pure – so there is doubt. If I recall correctly, one of the scholars was asked re this issue and responded a woman is considered virgin in this situation/case. Alhamdulillah, so let your heart be at ease. Let your doubts and whisperings from shaytan dissipate inshaAllah. For You are pure - you are and will be a gift inshaAllah for the fortunate man who weds you!
What makes you think a brother would not accept you?? There are many brothers who aren’t bothered by these things – not just abuse but even having a past containing relationships etc as long as the sister has reformed and mended her ways (brothers please correct me if I’m wrong!). Secondly, some would be more than happy to wed you knowing they will be your pillar of strength and support, security inshaAllah. I personally know of such a situation. Yes, some don’t like ‘baggage’ but that’s any baggage not just child abuse and Allah knows best. Again, perhaps the brothers can comment on this inshaAllah?
Moving onto your concerns re the cultural side of things…
‘If I do not tell him and as a result, if he suspects me (the cultural yada-yada – you know the legendary wedding night mark. I feel disgusted just saying that but who is to say that it would not matter to him or his family! ‘
Not sure if you know this but the legendary wedding night mark as you call it is a myth… This you can check simply by googling, there are many things which may cause a woman to forego the mark. It appears shallow that a man and his family may judge a woman based upon this SubhanAllah. Is such a person worth marrying???? How much might Islam play a part in such a person’s life??? That the mere absence of something causes him to become suspicious of his wife’s character??
You next say…
‘Even if I do tell him and he seems absolutely fine with it, I will deep down worry that it might bother him. And if he does something which hurts me emotionally, theres a very big chance that I will blame my past for that, thinking it does bother him when it may not/when he may be upset with me for something else entirely. (Questions my trust in him does not it? But, my mind cannot help it.)’
MashaAllah you seem like a very sensitive and caring person. Remember he’s a man he knows what the score is and has made an informed decision to wed you! He can deal with it inshaAllah – i.e. the upset etc. This is his issue not yours to worry about. As I said he’s the man!!! Not sure if that’s helpful but I hope you understand the point I’m making – if a man or any person for that matter cannot handle a situation they refrain from it… everyone knows their own limits… Don’t stress inshaAllah!
I’ll end with a few questions inshaAllah, I’m not sure how to word them as I do not want to cause you any upset, really they are things for you to think about… perhaps I will post them when you reply inshaAllah.
InshaAllah I hope the above is of use - if I can be of any more help/use/support or anything (!) just let me know inshaAllah. Anything of benefit contained herein is from Allah any error is of my own. Also just to point out the above is not gospel, if readers find any incorrections/inaccuracies please do correct inshaAllah.
Wasalaamu alaikum
WaAlaikumusSalaam.
You have infact caused me to smile. You really do know how to ease someone sister. Jazakallah Khair.
About my point, ‘Even if I do tell him and he seems absolutely fine with it, I will deep down worry that it might bother him.’ :
I meant, if I told him after the marriage because it is unlikely I will know much of him personally as I am most likely to have an arranged marriage. That’s where my issue is. I do not have any problem with arrangedmarriage itself but the fact that it’s not something I can disclose in front of mehrams (talking to him alone would be inappropriate and would seem suspicious to others).
You have put things so beautifully and yes, I am still smiling from the relief which I hope lasts.
I would just like some opinions, that’s all. After all, it depends on the situation.
*Smiles back*
I hope all is well with you sister.
Alhamdulillah it’s good to read you’re smiling! MashaAllah. I pray your ‘relief’ and comfort lasts inshaAllah. Sometimes just ‘airing’ feelings and thoughts can prove to be a huge relief Alhamdulillah.
I see why you worry now. Thank you for the clarification. You say you could not tell him in front of your mahrems. Is there anyone within your family you could perhaps confide in inshaAllah that might be able to help you in this?
Would there be any other way of conveying this information to him (once your meetings etc reached a serious stage of course), or perhaps subtly allude to it by way of a general question/comment? Does that make sense? I’m not sure this is helping!
And now for my questions now from your previous post (I really pray and hope these do not upset you as that is not my intent).
- You mentioned you seldom if ever get angry. may I ask why? is there any particular reason for this? I was tempted to give examples but will refrain as I don’t want to put ideas into your head!
- You also mention forgiveness mashaAllah. You have forgiven your molester. In fact you say you ‘cannot even hate him’ why can you not hate him?? Again, I’m not wanting to put words in your mouth inshaAllah. Just things for you to think about and maybe share your thoughts I’d be very interested.
- One more thing… I maybe wrong but you appear or at least I sense that you are a perfectionist(??) Things have to be right(?)
Looking forward to your response…
wasalamu alaikum *smile*
It is ok sister. Sharing may help someone else or people who are studying these cases.
I am very sure they would ask me to just leave it at that or that I am making a big fuss. I am making an assumption here, of course.
We tend to use the word hate so loosely in our daily life, that in most times, it actually means nothing.I never really hated anyone in life, to be honest. I think, the reason because I cannot be bothered to hate him is because if I truly were to hate him, the amount would be so great that adding all the hatred of every single human being born to this earth would not be enough for me to express my disgust in his act. I think guilt plays a little role in it too. I fear Allah (SWT) may be diappointed in me if I were to hate another human. But, I cannot say for certain that I have forgiven him. It would be hard to forgive from the heart. It is easier to just utter the word ‘forgive’ which is not really forgiveness. My mind gets blocked when I try to question myself on it. Truth be told, I consider him as someone who is non existant.
As for rarely being angry, it probably has nothing to do with this. I am a very cheerful person and loved by people around me for it. Not sure if it’s genetic or not, but that’s just me.
Your last comment got me laughing. Spot on, sister. If I dearly want something, I do not give up. But, if I do not get something after trying everything, I move on. But Allah (SWT) is most merciful and I would do well to not complain if I did not get something. But, it is not about getting something, it is rather more about doing a task as perfectly as I can. Then again,my upbringing may have something to do with this. What gave it away, may I ask?
‘I am very sure they would ask me to just leave it at that or that I am making a big fuss. I am making an assumption here, of course.’
refer to bold above. – I don’t know your background, hmmm… asian?? someone you trust – sibling etc. As you said you are making an assumption. *smile*
‘I think, the reason because I cannot be bothered to hate him is because if I truly were to hate him, the amount would be so great that adding all the hatred of every single human being born to this earth would not be enough for me to express my disgust in his act…’
As you point out perhaps you are afraid of the level of hatred you have for this person best not ‘air’ it kinda thing?
‘…But I cannot say for certain that I have forgiven him. It would be hard to forgive from the heart. It is easier to just utter the word ‘forgive’ which is not really forgiveness. My mind gets blocked when I try to question myself on it. Truth be told, I consider him as someone who is non existant.’
You don’t know if you have forgiven him and how much you hate him in reality because your mind is not able to cope with it (?) to such an extent that as you put it, you find it easier to think of him as someone who is not in existence. I guess the pain perhaps is so great you have blocked the whole thing out(?). Again I maybe wrong - please do feel free to correct.
‘What gave it away, may I ask?’
This made me laugh… *smile* what gave you away ?? Reading between the lines I just saw it…
your choice of words, the structure of your post, what you didn’t say as opposed to what you did say… all of this gave you away to me!
If I don’t respond to your subsequent post today I will do tomorrow inshaAllah. Have a good day and I look forward to your response.
Now that you mentioned it, I sat here thinking for a while. I think, the reason why I do not want to feel angry is because I do not want him to ‘win’! I refuse to let him have the final goal or score.
The last thing I would let myself do is to allow my life to revolve around my hatred for someone like him. Something that I might share with other ’survivors’ or may be not. (You can see why i do not like to call myself a victim)
I have accepted what has happened to me , just a bit worried about any consequences it may bear in future. Allah (SWT) tests us from time to time after all. I see it as a test.
Ok take care sister InshaAllah.
If me staying unmarried would ensure a man his ‘gift’, i would have gladly and quite happily done so. I would not want him to FEEL that he has been blessed with ‘bad luck’. But, Marriage is half of deen. I doubt my parents would let me stay unmarried forever.
I am analyzing my dilemma from so many angles that now my head hurts!
Do look forward to your thoughts, InshaAllah.
Bismillah
Assalamu ‘alaium,
hope you are well inshaAllah I enjoyed our conversation yesterday. You say you do not feel angry because you don’t want him to ‘win’. Could it be you are controlling this anger so you can continue with life? It’s good mashaAllah you are living life without allowing it to affect you. having said that I believe some of youyr words do indicate perhaps it does affect you??? For example in one of your posts you said that if your remaining unwed would cause a man to gain his ‘gift’ i.e. a untouched pure woman you would do so as you don’t want him to feel he has gained ‘bad luc’. you appear more worried about your potential husbands needs and wants than yourself. A question, if I may? Do YOU not have NEEEDS and WANTS perhaps in some cases more dire than your potential spouses considering the trauma YOU have suffered?? could it not be that the man WORRIES he will not be able to fulfil YOUR needs and wants and give you the LOVE and care YOU deserve? CHERISH and protect you as you deserve to be//??
just my thoughts
‘(Questions my trust in him does not it? But, my mind cannot help it.)’
re the questioning your trust in him, then, sister this is understandable - your trust was betrayed in the worst way possible. In order to rebuild that you will need time, space and understanding. There’s nothing wrong with you at this point feeling as you do. InshaAllah over time when you are in a safe, secure, equal relationship where you are not taken advantage of things will change.