When It’s Hard to Forgive: What Parents Need to Know About Islamic Forgiveness | Night 13 with the Qur’an

This series is a collaboration between Dr. Ali and MuslimMatters, bringing Quranic wisdom to the questions Muslim families are navigating.

The Pressure to Perform Forgiveness

The scene playing out in Muslim homes:

Someone hurt your teen—deeply. Maybe it’s a family member, a former friend, someone from the community.

And now, you’re telling them: “Just forgive. It’s Ramadan. This is what Muslims do.”

But here’s what you might not realize:

When you pressure a wounded person to perform forgiveness before they’re ready, you’re not helping them heal. You’re teaching them to suppress, to pretend, to distrust their own pain.

That’s not Islamic. It’s toxic.

What Yusuf’s Story Actually Teaches

Most people know that Yusuf forgave his brothers. But they skip over three critical details:

1. It took decades

Yusuf was a child when his brothers threw him in a well. He was an adult—likely in his 30s or 40s—when he finally forgave them.

Forgiveness was a process, not an event.

2. He tested them first

When his brothers came to Egypt, Yusuf didn’t immediately reveal himself. He tested them multiple times to see if they had changed.

He needed evidence of:

• Genuine remorse
• Changed behavior
• Willingness to sacrifice

Only after seeing these did he forgive.

3. He acknowledged the harm

Even in his moment of forgiveness, Yusuf said, “Shaytan came between me and my brothers.” [12:100]

He named what happened. He didn’t gaslight himself into pretending it was nothing.

The Ayah Most Parents Don’t Consider Fully

Before Allah praises forgiveness, He establishes justice:

Surat An-Nahl, 16:126:

وَإِنْ عَاقَبْتُمْ فَعَاقِبُوا۟ بِمِثْلِ مَا عُوقِبْتُم بِهِۦ ۖ وَلَئِن صَبَرْتُمْ لَهُوَ خَيْرٌۭ لِّلصَّـٰبِرِينَ

“And if you retaliate, then retaliate in a manner equivalent to that with which you were harmed. But if you are patient, it is better for those who are patient.”

Notice the sequence:

1. Your right to justice is acknowledged
2. Then—and only then—forgiveness is recommended

Allah doesn’t rush past the wound. He validates it first.

Most parents do the opposite. They rush to “forgive and forget” without acknowledging the depth of the harm.

When Forgiveness Becomes Harmful

Scenario 1: Protecting abusers

If your teen was abused by a family member and you’re pressuring them to “forgive for the sake of family unity”—you’re prioritizing the abuser’s comfort over your child’s healing.

We need to be clear on this issue. Islam does not protect abusers. Ever.

Scenario 2: Enabling repeat behavior

If someone repeatedly hurts your teen and you keep saying “forgive them, they’re family/they didn’t mean it”—you’re teaching your teen that their boundaries don’t matter.

Forgiveness without changed behavior is not mercy. It’s enabling.

Scenario 3: Suppressing valid anger

If your teen is angry about being hurt and you label that anger as “un-Islamic”—you’re teaching them that their emotions are sinful.

Anger at injustice is not a sin. The Prophet ﷺ got angry when people were wronged.

The Difference Between Forgiveness and Reconciliation

This is critical for parents to understand:

Forgiveness = Internal release of anger, choosing healing over revenge. Reconciliation = Restored relationship, renewed trust

They are NOT the same.

Your teen can forgive someone (release the burden of rage) without reconciling with them (giving them access to hurt them again).

Examples:

“I forgive my uncle for his inappropriate comments. But I’m not going to family gatherings where he’s present.”

“I forgive my former friend for betraying my trust. But I’m not going to share my life with her anymore.”

“I forgive my parent for the harsh words they said. But I need space to heal before we can talk openly again.”

All of these are Islamically valid.

What the Prophet ﷺ Actually Said About Forgiveness

Hadith 1:

لَيْسَ الشَّدِيدُ بِالصُّرَعَةِ إِنَّمَا الشَّدِيدُ الَّذِي يَمْلِكُ نَفْسَهُ عِنْدَ الْغَضَبِ

“The strong person is not the one who can overpower others. The strong person is the one who controls themselves when angry.” (Bukhari, Muslim)

What this means: Forgiveness is strength, not weakness. But notice—it’s about self-control, not about letting others control you.

Hadith 2:

مَنْ أُصِيبَ بِشَيْءٍ فِي جَسَدِهِ فَتَرَكَهُ لِلَّهِ كَانَ كَفَّارَةً لَهُ

“Whoever suffers injury to his body by someone, in any way, and he forgives it for the sake of Allah, it will be an expiation for him.” (Ahmad)

Notice: “Whoever suffers an injury…”

Allah acknowledges the injury before mentioning forgiveness. He doesn’t rush past the wound.

Hadith 3:

انْصُرْ أَخَاكَ ظَالِمًا أَوْ مَظْلُومًا ‏.‏ قَالُوا يَا رَسُولَ اللَّهِ هَذَا نَنْصُرُهُ مَظْلُومًا، فَكَيْفَ نَنْصُرُهُ ظَالِمًا قَالَ‏ تَأْخُذُ فَوْقَ يَدَيْهِ

“Help your brother whether he is an oppressor or oppressed.” The Companions asked, “O Messenger of Allah, we understand how to help the oppressed, but how do we help the oppressor?” He replied, “By preventing him from oppressing.” (Bukhari)

What this means: Sometimes the most Islamic thing you can do is establish boundaries that prevent someone from continuing to harm.

While forgiveness and repelling mistreatment with kindness is the highest level of conduct that one can aspire to, it is not always possible for everyone, and in some cases, it is not wise. It is imperative for us to understand this distinction and not shame Muslims who choose not to forgive, or choose to forgive, but maintain their distance. In fact, the great scholar Ibn ‘Abd al-Barr wrote:

The scholars are unanimously agreed that it is not permissible for a Muslim to shun his brother for more than three days, except in the case where he fears that speaking to him and upholding ties with him may undermine his religious commitment, or expose him to harm in his religious or worldly affairs. If that is the case, then he is granted a concession allowing him to avoid him and keep away from him, and perhaps cutting off ties with him and shunning him in a good way will be better than mixing with him in a way that leads to harm. (At-Tamheed)

Practical Guidance for Parents

When your teen says “I can’t forgive them”:

Don’t say:

• “Yes, you can, just try harder”
• “It’s been long enough, you need to move on”
• “Good Muslims forgive”
• “They’re family, you have to forgive”

Do say:

• “What happened to you was wrong. I’m sorry you’re carrying this.”
• “Take the time you need. Allah is patient with you.”
• “What would help you heal?”
• “You can forgive without having a relationship with them.”

When the person who hurt them is family:

Don’t say:

• “We have to keep the family together”
• “Just ignore what happened”
• “They didn’t mean it”

Do say:

• “Your safety matters more than family comfort.”
• “We can have boundaries with family and still be good Muslims.”
• “What happened is not okay. Period.”

Warning Signs Your Teen Needs Professional Help

When to seek a Muslim therapist:

• Intrusive thoughts about the incident
• Nightmares or sleep disturbances
• Avoidance of normal activities
• Self-harm or suicidal ideation
• Substance use to cope
• Complete withdrawal from relationships
• Inability to function (school, work, daily tasks)

Forgiveness work sometimes requires professional support. That’s not weakness on their part.

Discussion Questions for Families

For Teens:

1. Is there someone you’re being pressured to forgive before you’re ready? What would you need to feel safe forgiving them?
2. Do you understand the difference between forgiveness (internal) and reconciliation (relationship)? Which one feels possible right now?
3. What’s holding you back from forgiving—fear they’ll do it again? Feeling like it minimizes what they did? Something else?

For Parents:

1. Have you ever pressured your teen to forgive someone before they were ready? What was your motivation?
2. Do you believe forgiveness requires reconciliation? Why or why not?
3. How can you support your teen’s healing without rushing their timeline?

For Discussion Together:

1. Why do you think Yusuf took so long to forgive his brothers? What was he waiting for?
2. What does the story of Yusuf teach us about the relationship between power and forgiveness?
3. How can our family create space for healing that doesn’t rush forgiveness, but also doesn’t foster bitterness?

The Bottom Line

Yusuf took decades to forgive.

So why are we demanding our teens forgive in days?

Islamic forgiveness is:

• Honest (acknowledges the wound)
• Discerning (requires evidence of change)
• Patient (takes time)
• Protective (maintains boundaries)
• Healing (releases the burden of rage)

What it’s NOT:

• Instant
• Naive
• Reconciliation by default
• Protecting abusers

Your teen doesn’t need pressure to perform forgiveness. They need support to heal.

And healing—true healing—opens the door to forgiveness in Allah’s timing, not yours.

Continue the Journey

This is Night 13 of Dr. Ali’s 30-part Ramadan series, “30 Nights with the Quran: Stories for the Seeking Soul.”

Tomorrow, insha Allah: Night 14 – Week 2 Recap (Relationships & Boundaries)

For daily extended reflections: https://30nightswithquran.beehiiv.com/

Related:

I’m So Lonely! The Crisis Muslim Parents Are Missing | Night 12 with the Qur’an