Family and Community

10,000 Muslim Men Against Domestic Violence

Published

November 30, 2010

By: Ahsan Sayed

There are many battles we Muslims need to fight and many struggles we need to overcome. The Muslim Ummah is transitioning into another era in its history. The Ummah of tomorrow will be radically different from the Ummah of today. As we strive to follow Allah’s guidance and the path laid down by our beloved Prophet (SAW) we will encounter countless obstacles. Where we find ourselves in fifty years, will depend on how our Ummah copes now. The decisions we have made as a community have been fraught with mistakes. But each day we strive ahead because our love for our Creator and fellow brothers and sisters is too overwhelming.

Even as the community struggles to fight extremism, Islamophobia, progressivism and the onslaught of mass hysteria about Islam, we are losing one of the biggest battles within our own community. This fight threatens to shock the very fundamentals of our society; the very pillars that each Muslim is supposed to be nurtured upon. That fight is the fight against domestic violence. We risk losing our families if we cannot take a stand against this social ill.

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A salient reminder of what we stand to lose to domestic violence came and went largely ignored. That reminder was in the form of three dead children, Saeedah, 14, Saeed, 12, and Aisha, 7. Three lives stamped out in quick succession by a murderous father.

Forty-seven year old, Mohammed Goher’s wife Norma Goher filed for divorce because of Mr. Goher’s abusive nature. She also tried to gain full custody of her children, which meant depriving Mohammed Goher of his visitation rights. But, Mohammed Goher refused to lose his children. Horrific rage consumed him in his sick possessiveness; Mr. Goher proceeded to murder his three children while they slept, pulling the trigger finally on himself in an attempted suicide. But the will of Allah prevailed. Mr. Goher failed to take his own life and now faces conviction.

The bullet that doctors later extracted from Mr. Goher was lodged in his head. Mr. Goher survived what might have been certain death for anybody else. Nothing but a miracle explains his uncanny luck; Allah did not want his death and so now Mr. Goher lives. He has been given a chance for redemption.

But Mr. Goher also lives amongst us as a reminder. He should be a wakeup call for the entire American Muslim community. Domestic violence has gone ignored for far too long. It should not take the death of three innocent children to attract our attention to this issue.

We are Muslim. We have an obligation of following the example of our Beloved Prophet (SAW) and the commandments of the Quran. There will no longer be any of heavens guidance; the flow of wahy has stopped. The seal on the house of prophethood has been solidified. We can no longer rely on direct divine intervention to show us the way. It is our duty to carry on the message of the last messenger (SAW). Muslims must be the best example on earth. We should be at the frontlines of every fight against evil. But not only are we not leading the fight against domestic violence, we have lagged far behind.

Amr-bil-Maroof-wa-Nahi-anil- Munkar is not a principle based on words, but rather one that is based on action. Domestic violence is an unequivocal evil.

I invite all my brothers in faith to fight domestic violence. The Muslim Consultative Network has started an initiative titled, “10,000 Muslim Men Against Domestic Violence.”

We are seeking 10,000 pledges, by Muslim men, against domestic violence. I entreat all my brothers to take the pledge now! http://10000muslimmen.com/

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27 Comments

africana

November 30, 2010 at 3:14 AM

Just waiting for someone to pipe up,”what about men who get beaten up by women?” or for someone to crack an “hilarious” ill timed joke or for someone to say, “well, if women would only act like women…”

In case anyone’s wondering the statistics for male victims of domestic violence take account of domestic violence in all settings, including that of gay partnerships.

Reply
Yet another Mughith???

November 30, 2010 at 3:16 AM

Salamualaikum, I am not the first one but really hope be the last one of its kind. I regret it completely, not because a unilateral dissolution legal notice is pending, but because I lost the ni’amah of Allah and couldn’t be enough grateful. if you are a muslim, man who is married then be the best to your family, after your parents. and if you are a muslim who is not yet married, plan to be the best to your family, start by being best to your mother and sisters in the family. Although there is no such things as there is only one person made for you in this world but some people are irreplaceable, because you realize how much love in reality you have for them. No matter how much you disagree with your in laws, always remember you are married not only to your wife but to whole of her family. be nice (not what you mean by nice but what they would want to be, otherwise fake it).
As for men who beat up by their women, well if situation deteriorates that much then may be He just deserves to be because not being man enough to take care of his wife…
Not quiet Mr Gohar myself but having accussed (without realizing its impact) his wife of killing her own child in her womb, along with various tiny bits of disappointments accumulated over time. Mere attending the classes that teaches you love and fiqh does not guarantee you being ideal spouse, well not until you live it. Not quiet sure what is in store for me but its definitely brought me closer to Allah than I was ever before. Allaah Ta’la listens to your istighfar no matter what, but it may not be true with his slaves. They may or may not forgive you and they have limits on putting up with you. follow one mistake with at least 10 good things.

I ask Allah to forgive me , my parents, her and her parents and give me tawfiq to be steadfast in his obedience. ameen.

Reply
- africana
  
  December 1, 2010 at 8:32 AM
  
  You are at least being honest and that’s the first step along the road to reform.
  
  Reply
Abdullah

November 30, 2010 at 5:05 AM

Agreed. Signed up…

Reply
Slave of Allah

November 30, 2010 at 6:58 AM

Salam ‘alaykum!

It is very important to see first who they are before going into it. If you read “About Muslim Consultative Network” they’re encouraging interfaith dialogue. Which is very dangerous, it’s a call for the unification of the religions. It is a way to the elimination of the truth.

There is Fatwa Against the Call for the Unification of the Religions. The Permanent Committee for Academic Research and Ifta (Verdict):

‘Abdul-‘Aziz Ibn Baaz

Bakr Ibn Abdullaah Abu Zaid

Saalih Ibn Fawzaan Al-Fawzaan

‘Abdul-‘Aziz Ibn Abdullaah Aalush-Shaykh Abdullaah

Dr. Saleh as-Saleh rahimahullaah, who was from the foremost students of shaykh ibnul-Uthaymeen, had also written about this topic: Unity of Religion – Elimination of the Truth.

There is also lecture about Modernism and the Interfaith Movement [part 1, part 2] by Jamaal ud-Deen Zarabozo.

So I guess that there should also be something called: 10,000 Muslim Men Against Interfaith Dialogue!

Reply
- Ahsan Sayed
  
  November 30, 2010 at 9:21 PM
  
  You are very mistaken in your understanding of interfaith dialogue. Interfaith dialogue does not equate unity of the religions. There can be no doubt that our deen is Islam and it is the only narrow and straight path. However, making an effort to live in harmony with your non-muslim neighbors, to disspell ignorance of Islam is not equating other religions with Islam. I urge you to sign the pledge and pass it on to your brothers,
  
  Reply
Nida

November 30, 2010 at 7:13 AM

As a child that has witnessed domestic violence, I can only say that it’s such torture. I am so happy that someone has shed some light on the subject!

A lot of people do not realize how painful it is for children to witness domestic violence, they just don’t understand – unless they have tasted it themselves. Some people grow up strong from the experience and some don’t.

I was 14 – when my father and mother separated because of domestic violence/emotional abuse. And I can tell you that nobody from our family understood how traumatizing it could be for a young growing child.

People need to be more kind towards people who have gone through domestic violence. I don’t remember getting any kind words – just loneliness and figuring out how to grow up all by myself. Alhamdullilah – now I am 24, and I think to myself – past is in the past, lets move to future and reach out with all strength to help others who are suffering. :)

Reply
- Abdullah
  
  November 30, 2010 at 7:50 AM
  
  Mabruk! Al hamdul-Allah you made it. And a great attitude: to look forward and see how you can help others. Check out this interview late in the life of Viktor Frankl, perhaps the most famous survivor of the holocaust. You’ll love his attitude toward suffering, happiness, learning from difficult experiences, and helping others. Many of his views are so much consistent with Islam. You’ll enjoy. http://www.leaderu.com/ftissues/ft9504/articles/scully.html
  
  Reply
  - africana
    
    November 30, 2010 at 9:26 AM
    
    Dear Nida,
    
    Assalamu Alaikum,
    
    I’m really pleased that your are able to use your own experience of domestic violence to assist others suffering in similar situations.
    
    Many women remain in their marriages for the sake of their children. However many of the now grown -up children whose mothers did, in the end, leave say that they would have preferred that the separation had accured earlier as many suffer emotional problems as a result of the abuse they witnessed.
    
    Reply
    - Nida
      
      November 30, 2010 at 12:00 PM
      
      Wa Alaykum-us-Salam Wa Rahmatullahi Wa Barakaatuh
      
      I deeply agree with you Africana, thanks for kind words.
      
      Reply
  - Nida
    
    November 30, 2010 at 11:58 AM
    
    Thank you very much, inshallah I’ll read the article you have suggested. :)
    
    Reply
shafkat

November 30, 2010 at 9:13 AM

As salaam alykum,

This is sickening … but a reality all the same .. Its everywhere…

Even some so called ‘Alims’ get carried away and fall into this trap from Shaitaan..

The Prophet (SWS) has made Anger – Haram – or almost Haram.. There are many ahadith’s
relating to controlling one’s anger ..

May Allah (SWT) guide us, and protect us from Shaitaan and our evil Nafs and keep us the
True and Protected path of Siraat-tul-Mustaqeem. AMEEN

Reply
- africana
  
  December 1, 2010 at 8:08 AM
  
  indeed, it is a spiritual disease.
  
  I think that there are different levels by which men awho abuse their families are “afflicted” by this blameworthy disease. The worst offenders are those unwilling to even accept that they have a problem with how they deal with their spouses and children.
  
  I have also come the odd article, most notably in the book, “Emotional Intelligence”, which talks of how abusive men are not in fact as angry as one might think. They are often, reportedly, able to snap out of their rage when, for example, their abusive behaviour is interrupted by a telephone call or a knock at the door. Those who hold that persistent abuse derives not from an inabilty to handle everyday stress/criticism (of the sort that normal men would have no issue with) but from a desire to punish, control and provoke a women, have pointed to the way in which, during abusive episodes, an abusive man’s heart rate shows no marked increase. i’m not sure how this was measured but I thought it quite interesting.
  
  Whatebver the reasons for abuse, I think that whilst it’s important that the passage of women and chidren out of these sitautions is made easy and that women are not judged for their decsion (which often comes after many long years), I do think that (in line with a suggestion I read on another Muslim forum) men who are given to abusive behaviours, and recognise it, should perhaps have a telephone line that they can contact anonymously to seek help to change.
  
  Reply
africana

November 30, 2010 at 9:16 AM

Lest anyone thinks that this is exclusively the preserve of those form traditional societies, do read some of the accounts on this website:

http://www.womensaid.org.uk/forums.asp?section=00010001000800210001&sectionTitle=Messageboard

Here’s part of one woman’s experience of domestic abuse which shows something of the nature of emotional abuse, which is often neglected when speaking of abuse.

“Sorry if this might be a long winded post but here goes….
I have been with partner for almost 3 years, lived together for 2 and half.Was fine until one day he snapped at my kids, just had a real go at them which shocked me , we had words and then it happened to me, I made a mistake , something really silly like a wrong turn in the car and he went off shouting and ranting. It happened more and more often. Usually starting when some work had to be done in the house, he would get more and more stressed and then explode shouting at me for not making a cup of tea at the right time.It all ends in him turning it all on me for not helping him, this would be holding a door for him or filling a bucket or something, but im supposed to be psychic. I did tell him calmly that he has to ask then i will help, otherwise i dont know do i…he ranted back that i should know and im stupid if i dont. The stupid thing carries on, its always use common sense, your stupid, why do i have t trhink of everything, etc etc. I am 24 weeks pregnant and he recently said that he cant trust me to look after our baby on my own….i reminded him that i bought up 2 girls on my own fine but he always has an answer. He has since denied making this accusation.

He shouts at my kids for the slightest thing, the punishments he imposres are ridiculous, he banned daughter from the internet for a month, then when she did something else he took away al her electrical items. I managed to talk him round and stop him but he says i dont support him when he shouts at them, i said whats the point of me joining in, you scare them and im not adding to it, to which he replied that if i dont join in every time then im making him look bad. I said he was being too harsh and he has an answer for everything…he really does!

Today he couldnt find his keys, he blamed me then smashed and ripped the bedroom to pieces before storming out, breaking alot of my things. Blamed me for the keys going missing, i hadnt seen them. He then went out shouting in my face not to dare effing clean up because it would be too much foir me to do whilst pregnant…when he came back he was all apologetic and bought me a present but added that because of the stress he wasnt going to do anything else to the house. Thats how it always ends…he turns it so that he doesnt have to do any work. He says i cause things so my punishment is to not have anything done to my house.
It builds up and up until i am crying my eyes out then he changes like another personality and becomes the sweet nice person i met, the person he is in front of other people.I cant even tell my family or his because he’s so different i front of other people. I stay here because i love the nice person so much, and thats why it hurts so bad when he’s the nasty person. I just want to make him happy but i cant.
I borrowed a few pounds out of the rent money and when he found out he shouted and ranted that he couldnt trust me and took my bank cards away. I dont have my own money anyway as we are on JSA (he wont work and im pregnant) but anything we have like broadband for example he shouts that he provides it so i should be greatful. He spends 24/7 on the ps3 online, never cheats on me but he has no interests other than gaming. I intend to get a job when i can but i am worried about leaving the baby with him…or even if it is worth me working if he wont change. I just dont know, he says i am hormonal ad i take things the wrong way….I know i do with some thinhgs but surely i dont deserve all this…i was going to go to the doctor but i am still worried it might all be my fault anyway and I’m just seeing it wrong.

I cry because i have no other reaction left, he hates me crying and shouts at me for it. I told him he scares me when he shouts and throws things…he said i shouldnt wind him up or cause it then.

He has never hit me, pushed me, harmed me physically. Or the kids.”

Reply
- Abdullah Brown
  
  November 30, 2010 at 7:15 PM
  
  Excellent point. And here is further support for your point:
  
  More American women who are pregnant or recently pregnant die from homicide than any other cause (medical or otherwise).
  
  The most dangerous place for an Austrian woman to be at night, statistically speaking, is her home. More dangerous than a club, a street corner, etc.
  
  Reply
  - someone
    
    December 1, 2010 at 5:37 AM
    
    but that statistic does not say if domestic violence is the cause, it could be anything, homicide is not generally linked to domestic violence.
    
    Reply
    - Abdullah
      
      December 1, 2010 at 6:37 AM
      
      The murderer is usually the current or former husband/partner. It’s domestic violence.
      
      Reply
      - africana
        
        December 1, 2010 at 8:30 AM
        
        @Abdullah,
        
        That’s deeply disturbing. Here are some recent figures released by the police in the city in which I live.
        
        “A quarter of all cases which involve a suspect being held in custody in Glasgow are related to domestic abuse, according to a pioneering new prosecution unit.
        
        A quarter of all cases which involve a suspect being held in custody in Glasgow are related to domestic abuse, according to a pioneering new prosecution unit.”
        
        http://www.heraldscotland.com/one-in-four-held-in-glasgow-reported-for-domestic-abuse-1.838738
        
        Here’s annother article that challenges the myth that abusive men are domineering patriarchs or that abuse is synonymous withmen taking on the leadership role in their families.
        
        WARNING:There are a couple of frank descriptions of sexual misconduct in a realtionship that occurs outside of marraige (but which is the norm, in the West, for many non-Muslims of a certain age).
        
        “A Cautionary Tale of A Feminsist Man”
        http://www.thefword.org.uk/features/2010/10/a_cautionary_ta
        
        @Someone,
        
        Violence is the leading cause of death in women aged between 15 and 44 and, like Abdullah said,
        
        “Female victims are more likely to be killed by someone they know: in 2007/8, 73% of female victims knew the main or only suspect at the time of the offence. Of these female victims, 48% were killed by their partner, ex-partner or lover. By comparison, 48% of male victims knew the main or only suspect. Of these male victims, 13% were killed by their partner, ex-partner or lover (Home Office Statistical Bulletin: Homicides, Firearm Offences and Intimate Violence 2007/08)”
        
        http://www.womankind.org.uk/statistics.html
      - Abdullah
        
        December 1, 2010 at 7:13 PM
        
        Very helpful, Africana. I read your reference on the “feminist” husband. A lot of food for thought there. Thanks.
The Critically Cognitive

November 30, 2010 at 9:35 AM

Signed.

Reply
Holly Garza

November 30, 2010 at 4:32 PM

I am very pleased to see the brothers signing up for this. We have to many opinions and not enouhg action. I’m pleased to see action. May Allah guide us all InshaAllah

Reply
Amatullah

November 30, 2010 at 9:26 PM

May Allah give us the courage to practice this beautiful deen the way it should be practiced.

Amatullah
http://sisterswithpower.blogspot.com
EMANcipate yourself

Reply
Muhammad

December 1, 2010 at 8:09 AM

Is this updating? I signed it yesterday when it was around 650 signatures and it seems to still be at that number…

Reply
- Ashraf Ali
  
  December 11, 2010 at 12:10 PM
  
  We have it manually updating in order to ensure that legitimate signatures are collected.
  
  Reply
Ima

December 4, 2010 at 4:54 PM

Thanks for posting this, the reaction I get from other Muslims is always the same ” well non Muslims also beat up their wives” so what? In our community this stuff is hidden and ignored, where I come from men abuse their wives and when the wives complain to their immediate family members the answer is always the same ” be a good wife and obey your husband” this makes me sick because a man that beats on his wife doesn’t deserve a second chance from his wife at least. I believe it’s about time we face this and say enough is enough.. Let’s talk more about this issue and let’s stop hiding those that commit this crime for the fear of non Muslims picking on us. Domestic abuse is very common in many countries around the world. But it’s very common and we hide it in Muslim countries, in fact many women think it’s normal and part of being married is getting beat up by their husbands. I’ll probably get a lot of heat for this but hey I speak my mind and the truth hurts.

Reply
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Umm Zaynab

February 6, 2011 at 3:52 PM

Assalamu alaykum,

I am very happy that there are men talking against DV. I want to start an organisation against DV in UK but the sisters I know are against even talking about these sort of problems. They blame the wives for seeking help and exposing their private life to others. SubhanAllah! Please write back if you want to cooperate in addressing this social evil in the Muslim community in UK.

Reply