Ouroboros, Part 17 – A Time to Live

Ouroboros, by Wael Abdelgawad

See the Story Index for a chronological guide to the previous stories.

Previous chapters of this story: Ouroboros Introduction | Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 3 | Part 4 | Part 5 | Part 6 | Part 7 | Parts 8 and 9 | Part 10 | Part 11 | Part 12 | Part 13 | Part 14 | Part 15 | Part 16

When Muhsin shut off the engine, Hassan looked up to see that they were parked in front of a stylish looking restaurant with a sign that spelled out the word “Azraq” in wavy blue neon.

The interior, as its name implied – Azraq meant “blue” in Arabic – was all blues and browns, with hardwood furniture, large paintings of the sea, and a fountain that cascaded down one entire wall, filling a narrow pool that circumnavigated the interior of the eatery. The place was filled with the aromas of grilled fish and hot soup, coffee and chocolate.

Hassan waved off the hostess who tried to seat him. He wandered amid the booths and aisles, looking for Lena. Waiters and waitresses passed him, all wearing black slacks and dark blue dress shirts or blouses.

Blue restaurant interior

“The interior was all blues and browns…”

A waitress approached carrying a tray of drinks. She was slender – too thin, Hassan thought – and blonde, with frown lines on her forehead and crow’s feet at the corners of her eyes – one of those women whose faces were older than their bodies, so you knew they’d either lived hard or spent too much time in the sun. She was beautiful, but the severity of her face tempered her beauty, lending an air of gravitas. The top button of her long-sleeved shirt was undone, and Hassan saw a thin scar cutting across the front of her throat before disappearing beneath the collar.

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Of course Hassan knew her. He could never fail to recognize her walk, the protective way she carried her shoulders, and the spare smile that said, “I’m only humoring you. You’ll never know what I really think.” She hadn’t changed much, really. He could still see the young woman who’d taken him to the mountains when he was only fifteen, and drawn a sketch of a mountain meadow.

She flashed him a genuine smile, but as she began to pass the smile faded, her face turning as white as a winter moon. She swiveled her head as she walked by, gazing back at him, her body on autopilot, her steps faltering. Hassan watched her pass, saying nothing, feeling beaten into stillness by the events of the last few days. His inner fires were banked. He was out of fuel. This moment, which should have been triumphant or nerve-wracking, or something, was hushed, as if he were still back in the pool by the Salamiyyeh Falls, diving deep, trying to find the bottom.

That was, he thought, the story of his life: always seeking the bottom of the deep, dark pool and never finding it. Never getting his feet on solid ground. Never knowing where he stood.

Lena, still trying to look one way and walk the other, tripped over her feet and fell. The tray went flying, the drinks tumbling to the ground. Her head struck the edge of a dinner table and she let out a cry.

Hassan began to move toward her, but the diner at whose feet she had fallen was already helping her up. Blood streamed from a cut on her forehead.

Looking at her, Hassan suddenly saw another image superimposed over the restaurant scene: Lena was lying on the wooden floor of a small apartment, her throat cut, in a huge pool of blood that spread around her like a negative halo. He stepped back, shocked. What was he seeing?

The images continued to come. The Western Door, burned to the ground. Karanlik… Oh, laa ilaha il-Allah… Karanlik. It all came back, erupting from the hidden chambers of his mind like Krakatoa, exploding, shaking him. His years in prison, his life in San Francisco, all his friends, Layth’s death – Layth! – and the battle in the Oakland warehouse. Charlie… Charlie.

The sound of the blood in his veins thrummed in his ears. A band of pain tightened around his forehead. His head seemed to expand to the point of splitting. His eyes felt hot and dry, and he couldn’t catch his breath. It was too much. His knees gave out, he fell, and the world turned black.

 

***

 

He returned to consciousness on a cot in a small room. A wet cloth lay on his forehead. His body was limp as overcooked pasta. Two blurry shapes hovered over him. After a moment they clarified into the faces of Muhsin – looking so worried one would think he was Hassan’s father – and Lena, looking angry, confused, and perhaps fearful, with a bandage on her forehead. Hassan had never seen this particular expression on her face. He couldn’t read it.

Once again he noticed the small portion of the scar visible across the front of her throat. Now he possessed the awful memory of what had caused that scar. He averted his eyes, trying not to think about it.

“Where did you go?” Lena demanded, getting right to it. “You abandoned me just when I needed you most. All this time I thought you were dead.”

“Wha…?” Hassan managed. “Where am I?”

“You’re in a backroom in the restaurant, brother,” Muhsin said kindly. “You collapsed.”

Hassan covered his eyes with his hands for a moment, remembering, then removed them to meet Lena’s eyes. Different, yet the same. Alive. He remembered everything now – all of his past – and didn’t know if he wanted to. But there it was, whether he wanted it or not.

Muhsin reached out a hand and helped him to a sitting position. Hassan patted the man’s hand, thanking him without taking his eyes from Lena.

“Lena, I’m so sorry. I came home and found you on the floor with your throat cut, and blood everywhere. I thought you were dead. I lost my mind, became catatonic. They put me in Karanlik, the mental hospital. It was a living nightmare. All these years I believed you were dead. But I never stopped mourning for you and missing you.”

All she said in response was, “Hmm.”

He reached out to her. “Can I – can I just feel your hand? Just to know you are real? I’m sorry, I know that sounds stupid.”

Slowly, betraying nothing of what she felt, Lena extended her hand and Hassan took it. Her hand was strong, her skin rough. The nails were trimmed short and clean, with a layer of clear varnish. A moment later she pulled her hand back and tucked it into her armpit, as if his touch had burned her.

“I don’t know where to start,” he said. “Who – how did you survive?”

Lena shrugged. “The apartment door was open. I guess you left it open, if what you say is true. That nosy neighbor, Mrs. Şahin who lived across the hall? She came snooping and found me. I barely survived. It was very close.”

“Who did it? Who attacked you?”

“Does that matter?” Lena snapped. “Why are you here, Hassan? Where have you been? Do you have any idea how badly you hurt me by disappearing like that? I thought you must have been killed; otherwise, why would you abandon me? I mourned you for years. And then I had to move on. That’s history now. Don’t try to resurrect it.”

 

***

 

Hassan had constructed dozens of scenarios in his mind, imagining again and again how his reunion with Lena might go. What he’d say, what she’d say, whether they could pick up where they left off, whether the chemistry between them would still be there. Whether the love would still be there.

This wasn’t like any of those scenarios. This felt like trying to punch through a wall.

Not knowing what else to say, he defaulted to another of the many questions crowding the back of his throat. “Tell me about Kamal.”

Lena’s mouth fell open. “You’ve been to my aunt’s house? Have you been spying on me? Who else have you talked to?”

“Lena, what are you talking about?” Hassan’s frustration boiled over and his voice rose. What a disaster this encounter was turning out to be. “I was trying to find you. I found your aunt first. Now for God’s sake, tell me about my son!”

Lena’s jaw was set. “A good boy,” she said matter of factly. “Clever, strong, happy. That’s all. If you wanted to know more then you should have been there to raise him. I did the best I could. If you want to hate me, go ahead. You can’t hate me any more than I hate myself.” This last statement was spoken in a mutter, as if more for herself than Hassan.

“No, Lena, no. I blame myself. How could I have left you? How could I have been so stupid? It must have been hell for you.”

His head pulsed with pain from the headache that continued to grow behind his skull. He gripped his forehead with one hand, squeezing, trying to force the pain down.

“What about you?” Lena’s tone mellowed slightly, as if conceding that perhaps Hassan was not entirely evil. “What has your life been like?”

Hassan sketched his life story in a few broad strokes – Karanlik, prison, life in San Francisco, the coma. “Alhamdulillah,” he said. “I’m grateful to Allah. He’s been kind to me.”

“Really? Doesn’t seem so. I no longer believe in God, but if it helps you, knock yourself out.”

Coin in the air

“Atheism was the flip side of faith…”

Lena had never been especially religious, but it saddened Hassan to hear her say this. In his experience, atheism was never a rational, considered choice. It was always the product of disappointment and pain. It was the yin to faith’s yang – the flip side of the same coin. It was a person saying, “God, because you’ve let me down, I reject you!” The irony was that the rejection itself was an acknowledgment of God’s existence.

He didn’t know what else to say. The two of them lapsed into silence. Hassan gazed at Lena’s black shoes, noticing the worn soles and seamed uppers. They were shoes that had walked a lot of miles. Lena, meanwhile, looked at the doorway, distancing herself.

Lena nodded quickly, as if coming to a decision. “I’m glad things worked out for you. It hasn’t been so easy for me. I have to get back to work now.” She shifted her body weight subtly away from him, as if ready to move on.

“Wait. Lena, I’m sorry, I have to know. Who attacked you?”

She shook her head, a bitter expression turning down the corners of her mouth. “You men. All the same. Always. It was Anton, okay?” She practically spat his name. “Anton. He was in love with me. He wanted me to leave you, but I refused.”

“Anton,” he breathed. Not Sarkis, not Mr. Black. His imagination had filled in the blanks with the boogeymen he knew. And to think that he’d gone to Anton for help afterward.

“Hassan.” Lena’s tone softened now, became almost kind. “Rest here as long as you need. Let yourself out when you’re ready. I… I’m glad you came. Ma’ as-salama.”

 

***

 

He was opening the door of the taxi when Lena cried, “Wait!” He looked up to see her running toward him. He turned just in time to catch her as she threw herself into his arms.

“I’m sorry,” she said, and Hassan realized she was crying. “I’m sorry I was such a shrew. You don’t know how hard it’s been for me. I thought you were dead and I hated you for that, and I hated myself for hating you. I understand now, it wasn’t your fault. I don’t blame you.”

She pulled away slightly, her hands still on his shoulders, and looked at him. Her tears had caused her mascara to run, but she was as beautiful as ever. “Do you think there’s a chance for us? Could we start over, you and I? Do you think…” she began to sob, so that he had difficulty understanding her. “Do you… think… you could… love me… again?”

He didn’t know what to say. He cared for Lena – so much, really. It hurt him to think of the pain she’d been through. He wanted to see her happy. He wanted to help her. But you can’t base a relationship on wanting to help someone. He remembered the aunt saying that Lena was broken and no one could fix her. He might have discounted that as the mutterings of a lonely old woman, but he’d seen the same thing when he and Lena were married. From the time he reunited with Lena in Istanbul’s Galatasaray Square, their entire marriage had been one long episode of him trying to save her –  and look how that turned out.

Also – he hated to admit this, even to himself, for it was unforgiving and mean – but a little voice inside him kept whispering, “She killed our son. She was high on heroin, and she killed little Kamal.” He’d just told her that he didn’t blame her, and he wanted to believe that himself – he wanted to be that kind, forgiving man – but… there it was.

With all of that in mind, he pushed her away gently and looked her in the eyes. “Are you still using?”

She tugged her sleeves lower on her wrists and crossed her arms. Her mouth was a flat line. “What right do you have to ask me that?”

He shrugged slightly. “I’m asking.”

Her expression turned into a snarl. “You can’t expect someone to give up heroin for life. It doesn’t work like that. But I can control it. I only get high every few months, that’s all.”

Her voice softened. “Maybe I could stay clean with your help.” She was as changeable as the eddies of the wind. Had she always been that way? “I could change,” she continued, “if you stayed with me. If you loved me.”

At one time in his life, this meeting and those words would have been a dream come true. Lena alive, and the two of them together again.

Now, though… He remembered other things. He remembered Lena’s secrecy when they’d been together, the constant lies, the mood swings, the times when she would shut herself in a dark room for days… He recalled the drug addiction, the fights, and the accusations that he had abandoned her in Lebanon. Somehow he’d forgotten all of that, or put it out of his mind. Instead he’d created an idealized image of their lives together, with Lena as a lost angel – all encapsulated in the photo he’d carried in his pocket for so many years.

In a way he still thought of her as the older, wiser woman who had tried to rescue him from the mindlessness of war. She was beautiful, and possessed a fierce creative energy that masked her underlying fragility. There was much to love in her.

But did he want the pain and heartache that would come with it? Did he want to thrust himself back into her endless drama? Could he truly forgive her for the death of their son? And even if the answer to all these questions was yes, was she even halal for him? An atheist?

He stood on the busy sidewalk, people streaming around them, as confused as he had ever been in his life. Only now did he begin to realize that any desire he might have to be reunited with Lena stemmed from a combination of guilt and fantasy. It wasn’t what his heart needed or longed for. It wasn’t real.

If he was truly honest with himself, the phrase “true love” did not elicit an image of Lena in his mind, but of someone else. It had been that way for a long time. Coming here… he’d needed to know, to see Lena in the flesh; to explain, apologize, and understand. But his heart already belonged to someone else. Now that his memories had returned, he knew this to be true.

He couldn’t bring himself to say no to Lena. He didn’t have the strength to say the word.

It didn’t matter. She read it in his face. She snorted bitterly and shook her head. “You don’t want me, Hassan. I don’t know why you came here or what you want, but it isn’t me.”

He met her angry eyes with a deeply apologetic look. “I care about you, Lena. I always will.”

For a moment Lena seemed to drop all her masks. The anger, bitterness and self-pity vanished, and she gave him a look of such profound sadness that he thought his heart would crumble into dust. She seemed so lost – so forlorn and confused.

Tears welled in his eyes and ran down his cheeks. He wanted to take her in his arms, promise her that he would stay, banish her demons, heal her, save her, and never abandon her again.

He made no move toward her, however. Pity wasn’t love. He couldn’t save Lena. All of their lives were as fragile and fleeting as leaves, and none but Allah could save anyone. Any belief to the contrary was self-delusion and arrogance.

“My soldier boy,” Lena said sadly. “It wasn’t all bad, was it Hassan?”

“The Topkapi Palace.”

Lena nodded. “I remember that day.”

“Let’s hold on to that.”

Lena made no reply. Her shoulders slumped and she tipped her head almost to one shoulder, as if too tired to hold it up.

“Goodbye, Lena.”

“Goodbye, Hassan.” Lena’s reply was so soft that if Hassan hadn’t seen her lips move he wouldn’t have understood her.

Feeling like a deserter, but knowing this was the only move for him, Hassan turned his back on Lena’s reproachful visage and got into the car.

 

***

 

With Lena disappearing in the side view mirror, Hassan sat back in the passenger seat and closed his eyes as Muhsin drove him to the airport.

He’d already said his goodbyes to Gala and Muhsin’s family early that morning. Gala had been lost to him for so many years; he didn’t like leaving her again. But obtaining a visa would take time – a visa to the West was like a lottery ticket in Lebanon, something everyone craved and few received – and Gala insisted she was happy in Muhsin’s household. The youngest child was already following her around and calling her Teta, which in the Lebanese dialect meant Grandma. Even Abu Layla seemed happy, no doubt because his stomach was satisfied.

Side view mirror

“With Lena disappearing in the mirror…”

Hassan’s mind was spinning so much that it felt like the taxi was circling a roundabout at high speed. It was only hitting him now – really sinking in – that Layth was gone. Killed for my cause, Hassan thought. Killed by men who came after me.

He’d never had a chance to mourn. He hadn’t even seen Layth’s body. He’d glimpsed the ambulance pulling away, rushed to Oakland to rescue Jamilah… then slept for two years. Layth gone. Kadija a widow.

Charlie too. He remembered the monster that Charlie had become. He’d seen him with his own eyes, recognized him like he’d recognize his own reflection.

And yet… these memories did not wound him as deeply as they should. He felt grief, sure, but it was muted, like the impact of a bullet slowed by water.

He loosened his grip on the leather seat. Gradually, the feeling of disorientation slowed. He opened his eyes and looked around at the Beirut traffic. His gaze roamed over the pedestrians talking, laughing, and arguing, and the new buildings going up, one civilization atop another. In fact the very same generation who still lived was busy layering new plaster and paint over their own past – a past that lay beneath the surface like bruised muscles beneath the skin.

Slumber. Sleep. In a flash of insight, he realized why he was not more traumatized by the fates of Layth and Charlie. It was the coma. He hadn’t been asleep, had he? He could still remember the dark scenes that had unfolded before his inner vision again and again while he lay unmoving. He’d relived those scenes until they lost their power to paralyze him.

And he’d had help. Jamilah. He remembered the first time he met Jamilah properly – the day her bike was stolen. The way she shoved the bike thief in the chest, heedless that he was twice her size… Her vow to start practicing Islam properly, and the way she’d stuck to it even when she was fired from her job as a result… The time she bought that used chair on Market Street and struggled for half a day to haul it – by herself, refusing all assistance – up to her apartment on Nob Hill… He grinned, thinking of that crazy day.

He remembered too, the way she’d stood above him when he was wounded, ready to fight and die for him. The way she’d championed him for two years, taking him under her wing, believing in his strength, defying the naysayers.

Ah, Jamilah, he thought. I don’t deserve you.

***

At the Beirut airport, located in the southern suburbs of the city, Hassan surveyed the departures board. After a moment he found what he was looking for. There was a flight to Istanbul in two hours.

He had unfinished business in the capital of the world.

***

Istanbul was even more crowded and hectic than Hassan remembered, if that were possible. He found Mehmet looking only a little changed. His hair was as white as the snows of Mount Ararat, and his chin noticeably more jowly, but he looked happy and healthy. Mehmet was overjoyed to see Hassan. His former employer embraced him for a full minute, and called a waiter to bring two coffees. The older man couldn’t get over how strong and fit Hassan looked.

“I’ve been so worried about you all these years,” he said, his hand resting on Hassan’s arm. “You were in such a terrible state, then you disappeared.”

Hassan filled him in, gazing admiringly at the café as he did so. The Western Door bustled with customers and staff. Mehmet had purchased the building next door and knocked down the interior wall, doubling the size of the café. The menu featured trendy new coffee drinks, including “superfood” blends with blueberry and açai. Something called “world music” played on the stereo.

“You have to keep up with the times,” said Mehmet. “I have a poetry jam every Saturday night.” He grinned. “You want your old job back?”

Hassan laughed. “Thank you, Amca,” he said, using the Turkish word for uncle. “I’m only here to visit.”

***

To Hassan’s disappointment, his old friend Jihad was gone. A nurse at the clinic said he’d gone back to Iraq several years before. Another insisted he’d emigrated to New York.

He visited the spot on the Bosphorous where he’d thrown Daniel’s dog tag into the sea. He stood watching the strait as ships passed by and seagulls cried overhead. A salty wind ruffled his hair, and a huge white pelican skimmed the surface of the waters, its chest thrust forward proudly. Black and gray cormorants perched atop a row of rotting wooden pylons, one bird per post, observing Hassan as a jury might observe a defendant on the stand. We find you guilty, they seemed to say. Guilty in your intentions, and guilty in your deeds.

Hassan brought his mind back to the reason he’d come here. “Peace, Daniel,” he said softly. “I haven’t forgotten you and I never will. Have no fear for me. Allah has my back.”

No sooner had he spoken the words than a tall black stork strode past him in the shallows. Hassan had never seen one like this, and he observed it with fascination. Its wings, neck, and head were black; its underside white, while its long legs and beak were as red as blood. The overall effect was grim, almost spectral – which was perhaps appropriate for the final task Hassan had to perform.

 

***


He spent a few days stalking the streets and parks around Teksim Square, bribing the street level drug dealers for information. In the end he learned that Anton had fallen hard. He’d spent several years in prison and come out a broken man. He lived in a run-down flat in the Beyoğlu district, and was a pimp now, running a few past-their-prime prostitutes on Tarlabaşı Bulvarı.

Teksim Square, Istanbul

Teksim Square, Istanbul

Hassan found the flat and kicked in the door, surprising Anton in the middle of shooting heroin into his thigh. He was apparently sharing his high with an overly made-up woman who looked old enough to be a grandmother.

“Get out,” Hassan commanded the woman, and she did, pausing only long enough to snatch up her heroin works, not even casting a glance back at Anton.

The apartment reeked of body odor and rotting food. Trash was strewn on the floor. Anton gaped at Hassan, his drugged eyes full of confusion.

Hassan considered leaving the man in his own filth and misery. Perhaps this scabrous life he led was enough of a punishment.

But then he remembered Lena – pregnant with Hassan’s child – lying on the floor in a warm bath of her own blood. He’d let Anton live once before, and the man’s vicious attempt to murder Lena had been the result. Some things could not be forgiven.

“Hello Anton.” Outwardly Hassan was calm, but his body felt like a mountain about to avalanche onto this devil. His arms were as relaxed and powerful as whips. He could, he knew, crush Anton’s throat with a single blow. “You should have killed me back then when I came to you,” he continued. “I know what you did. Make your peace with God. You’re done now.”

A combination of terror and contempt filled Anton’s eyes as he recognized the man before him. Predictably, he reached into his pocket and drew a knife. He came forward with a cry and a lunge.

It occurred to Hassan that Anton might have cut Lena’s throat with the very same knife he held now. The thought filled him with a crimson rage.

In Hassan’s heightened state of awareness, the attack was childishly easy to deal with. He caught the junkie’s arm and wrenched the knife out of his hand. He lifted the Greek bodily into the air and slammed him down to the ground, then sat atop the man’s chest and placed the point of the knife against his throat. He pressed slowly until the knife point barely pierced the skin, drawing a trickle of blood. Though he wanted to continue driving the knife in, something held him back. He’d come here intending to kill Anton, but couldn’t get his hand to obey his command. His arm shook. He bellowed in anger, spittle falling onto Anton’s face.

“No, please!” Anton cried. He rolled onto his belly beneath Hassan. As he did so the knife drew a shallow red scratch across his neck. The junkie began to sob piteously. “I’m sorry, I’m sorry. For the love of God, please don’t kill me.” His sobs degenerated into the wordless bleating of a terrified sheep.

Hassan suddenly felt like a man waking from a dream. His hair stood on end. What am I doing? I was about to murder this pathetic wretch in cold blood. What’s happened to me?

He stood and stumbled backward toward the door, throwing the knife into a corner. He left Anton lying there, weeping amid the detritus of his failed existence.

 

***

 

Almost as soon as he left Anton’s dirty flat, Hassan’s legs began to tremble. He put a hand against a grimy light pole with no bulb, supporting himself until the shakes passed. He didn’t understand it. He’d been in numerous life or death conflicts, but he’d never experienced battle stress like this. Suddenly his stomach heaved, and he bent over on the litter-strewn sidewalk and vomited in the gutter.

He had to walk a few blocks before he could find a taxi. To his surprise, a female driver in hijab stopped for him. He’d never seen a woman cabbie in Istanbul before.

Sitting in the back of a taxi on his way to the airport, he noticed for the first time that he’d gotten a bit of Anton’s blood on his hands. He took a packet of tissues from his pocket and wiped his hands compulsively, using the entire pack, stuffing the stained tissues in his pockets.

He was overcome with a sense of shame. The Kopis war was one thing: he’d been defending himself against trained killers. But Anton was half-destroyed already. Hassan told himself that the man was a pimp, ruining women’s lives. But that was a rationalization and had nothing to do with why he’d almost killed him.

Another image came to his mind: his own hands, breaking Mr. Black’s neck. Why had he done that? What had happened to the Hassan who had renounced violence, and had vowed never again to kill? The Hassan who had gone unarmed to face Jamilah’s kidnappers? The Hassan who helped people, rather than simply destroying? How had he gotten so far from who he aspired to be? How had he lost his way? How had he become this violent, two-dimensional ghost of his former self?

He felt soiled. The blood-stained tissues in his pockets condemned him. Would he appear before Allah on Yawm al-Qiyamah holding those tissues as a mark of his guilt for all to see?

“Driver,” he called out. “I’ve changed my mind. Take me to Masjid Beyazit instead.”

***

Masjid Beyazit, Istanbul, Turkey

Masjid Beyazit

Beyazit, when he arrived, looked exactly the same, thank God. This was where he used to pray when he’d lived here. It was a relief to finally be in a familiar place. The hour was between prayer times, but there were always worshipers in Beyazit praying on their own, reading Quran, or sitting in circles, learning from the scholars who taught there.

Hassan flushed the blood-stained tissues down the toilet, then washed himself thoroughly. Unsatisfied with his wudu’, he repeated it three times.

In the soaring prayer hall he prayed his fard or mandatory salat, then proceeded to pray sunnah. His guilt was like a well of black ink filling his skull. He feared that he had hopelessly tainted himself. Was he any different from the Kopis or the Panas? All these years he’d struggled to overcome his mother’s indoctrination, to get away from violence, yet now he had fresh blood on his hands, literally.

Was he evil? How could he perform any kind of sincere tawbah? How could he take even a step toward the bright image of himself that lived in his own imagination?

He put his forehead down in prostration and stayed there, praising Allah, seeking forgiveness, and pleading for guidance. His arms grew tired, yet still he prostrated, vowing not to rise until he had an answer. He confessed his guilt, his arrogance in thinking that a human life was his for the taking, his shame for forsaking Lena, his grief for his son. He dropped all pretenses, exposing himself before Allah, hiding nothing, knowing that he could never hide from Allah anyhow. He found himself spiritually naked before the Lord of All, having nothing to offer in his defense. He felt withered and desiccated, like the charcoal that remains after a tree burns in a fire.

His arms and shoulders ached. He began to weep silently, not knowing what else to say to the Most High, nor how to redeem himself. Glory to You, he whispered. There is no God but You, alone without any partner. To You belongs the Kingdom and all praise; You give life and death; in Your Hand is all good; and You have power over all things.”

Still he stayed in sujood. His hands went numb, and his knee – the one that had been kicked by some predatory youths so many years ago on his flight to Syria – ached.

An image came to his mind: the lighted path that had led him out of the coma. This time he saw a person and a place at the end of that path. With a flood of relief and gratitude, he realized that Allah was offering him a way, saving him from confusion and death as He had done again and again. He did not know why Allah was so kind to him and did not need to know. Neither did he imagine he was forgiven. He knew only that there was a path forward – a path that might lead to forgiveness, in time. Accepting it, feeling love and gratitude for Allah, he completed his prayer, wiped his tears, and stood to leave.

It was time to go home.

 

***

 

He called Jamilah and asked if she and Muhammad could pick him up at the airport when he arrived.

“Uhh… I’ll send Mo,” Jamilah replied.

“What about you?”

“To tell you the truth, I was just about to get a ride to the bus station. I’m moving back to Madera.”

Hassan couldn’t say he blamed her. But he was done wasting time and holding back. “I understand,” he said. “But I’d still like you to come.”

There was a long pause, until Hassan wondered if the line was disconnected.

“Do I have a reason to?” Jamilah said finally.

“Yes. I think you do.”

***

Sabiha Gökçen International Airport, Istanbul.

Sabiha Gökçen Airport, Istanbul.

Hassan had just ordered a coffee at Istanbul’s Sabiha Gökçen International Airport when his phone rang. He hadn’t been much of a coffee drinker before his coma, but these days he found the aroma intoxicating. Maybe he’d been asleep for so long that he now wanted to be as awake as possible.

“I thought about your words,” the caller said. It was Jasper, the afro-wearing, machete-wielding assassin.

Hassan felt a surge of anger and annoyance. “Did I not make myself clear? I said I never wanted to hear from you again.”

“No, you said you never want to see me again.”

“What do you want?”

“I told you, I’ve been thinking. You’re right. We Panas only know how to kill. It’s what we were trained to do. That’s why we need you. We need the vision of Kamal Haddad. We want you to lead us. Show us a better way of doing things. Show us how to change Lebanon the right way.”

Hassan sighed. “There’s only one problem with that.”

“What is it?”

“I’m not Kamal Haddad. I don’t have his vision. I don’t know how to change Lebanon.”

“But we need you. We have no leader.”

“I think you do.”

“Who?”

“You. The very fact that you’re ready to change tells me that you’re more than the sum of your training. Use your connections and discipline for the betterment of Lebanon. But do it the right way. Killing is easy.” Hassan felt like a hypocrite saying this, but plowed ahead. “Building something good is much harder. You were trained to destroy. Now you have to learn to build.” And so do I, Hassan thought.

“Well…” Jasper said, but Hassan could hear the change in his tone already. Hassan’s words were sinking in. The Panas had their leader.

“Besides,” Hassan said. “I have something more important to do.”

“More important than leading Lebanon?”

“Yes,” Hassan replied. “She is.”

***

Stepping out of the plane at San Francisco International, Hassan was met by two U.S. Customs agents. A bulky agent with a thick neck and a bald pate examined his passport and announced,  “This is him. Come with us, sir.”

“Why are you detaining me?” Hassan demanded.

“Random inspection.”

Hassan was taken to a detention room filled with Arab, Pakistani, and Persian passengers – young and old, male and female – all apparently “randomly” selected.

When Hassan’s turn came, he was led to a private room where the agents interrogated him for an hour. Why had he gone to Lebanon? Who did he see? Did he buy guns? Did he participate in military training? What did he think of Hizbullah? Hamas? Al-Qaeda?

Hassan answered their questions truthfully, telling them that he’d gone to visit old friends, and that he was not political. He neglected to mention that he’d participated in a shootout between two warring groups of secret assassins.

Just when he thought they were out of questions, two new agents in dark suits entered the room. They interrogated Hassan about the Mission Street massacre two years ago. What was Hassan’s role in that? What happened in the Oakland warehouse? How could he afford such an expensive apartment?

Hassan kept his answers vague, pointing out that he did not take part in the shootout, he assisted Inspector Sanchez when she was wounded, and he went to Oakland only to find Jamilah. As for the apartment, it wasn’t his. It belonged to a corporation called Zanshin Enterprises, which employed him as a property manager. Technically, this was all true.

In the end they let him go, though Hassan had no doubt that they would monitor him closely for some time to come.

***

Jamilah, Muhammad, Alice, and baby Anwar were waiting patiently when he finally exited customs. The dark-haired baby was still so tiny in Alice’s arms. He kicked his little feet, made gurgling sounds, and smiled at nothing in particular.

For an instant Hassan was almost glad that Layth was absent. Layth had understood him, and had been able to read him like no other. He would have taken one look and known that Hassan had done something terrible. He would have seen Hassan’s guilt and shame.

Then he felt guilty for thinking that. His face flushed, and he dropped his head to hide it.

Muhammad embraced him. “Five Niiiiiine!” he exclaimed. “Back in the 415.”

415, of course, was the San Francisco telephone code, but it took Hassan a moment to remember that “five nine” was his old messenger ID number. That life seemed like a thousand years ago. He searched his memory for Muhammad’s old number, and found it.

“Eight Oh Ooooooone,” he replied, imitating Muhammad’s enthusiastic delivery, and trying his best to hide his inner turbulence. “I’m clean at SFO. Whatcha got for me?”

“You have your memory back,” Jamilah said matter of factly. She looked serene, or maybe just composed.

“Oh, dude!” Muhammad exclaimed. He threw his arms around Hassan and ruffled his hair. “That’s awesome, Alhamdulillah!”

Hassan looked at Jamilah shyly. “You don’t seem surprised.”

She nodded slowly. “If dreams die, life is a broken-winged bird that cannot fly. I knew you’d recover. I had faith.”

“Hey, that’s good,” said Alice. “Is that poetry?”

“What about Lena?” Muhammad interjected. “Did you find her?”

“Yes. A lot has happened. Some good and some bad.”

Alice puffed out her cheeks in exasperation. “Why does everyone always ignore me?”

“But what about Lena?” Muhammad persisted.

“She and I have gone in different directions in life. Anyway, I have no love to give her.”

“Why?” Alice asked.

Hassan mustered his courage. Jamilah would have been within her rights to cut him off after he left to find Lena. She’d been more patient, steadfast and loyal than he had any right to expect. This was no time to beat around the bush.

“I have no love to give Lena,” he said, looking at Jamilah, “because my heart is filled with love for someone else.”

Jamilah’s face flushed and she turned away, giving him her back.

“Aww…” Alice said, hugging Jamilah.

“Jamilah,” Hassan said inquiringly. When she did not respond, he repeated her name.

She turned back to face him, wiping away tears with closed fists. “What?” Her tone was questioning, almost fearful, while her eyes flashed anger.

“I’m sorry. I had to go to Lebanon. I had to find the truth. But…” He shrugged and gave a crooked smile. “There’s no one for me but you. It’s as clear and bright inside me as the morning sun. I’m asking you to be my wife.”

“Aaaah!” Alice let out a shriek of excitement, then covered her mouth in embarrassment.

Jamilah studied Hassan from beneath lowered brows, her foot tapping the floor.

Hassan didn’t know if she was angry, annoyed or embarrassed. He wondered if he had been too forward. He could have reached out to her brother first… But no, Jamilah was her own woman. He knew her well enough to know that she’d just be annoyed with him if he asked her younger brother for her hand.

“You’re lucky I’m even here,” Jamilah said finally.

“I know.”

“How do I know you won’t go running off again?”

Hassan smiled. “Not without you, anyway.”

Jamilah shook her head slowly. “You know how to try a girl’s patience.”

“So… Is that a yes?’

Jamilah held up her thumb and index finger a millimeter apart. “Just barely, mister. Just barely.”

***

San Francisco at nightOutside the airport, a cold wind washed over Hassan like the waters of Salamiyyeh. Only in San Francisco could summer feel like winter. He could see his breath in the air; the fog condensed on his face like dew.

It didn’t bother him. The long winter of his heart was coming to an end. There was a time for all creatures to hibernate, to seek the safety of forgetfulness and maybe even self-imprisonment; and there was a time to awaken, to breathe in the crystal clarity of spring, the yellow warmth, and the urgency of growth – all of which was an expression of Allah’s mercy and love.

This was a time to truly live – something he’d done precious little of in the last two decades. This was a time to love.

 

***

 

Epilogue

The wedding of Hassan Amir and Jamilah Al-Husayni took place on an expanse of grass in front of the Palace of Fine Arts in San Francisco. It was a crisp autumn afternoon. The breeze coming off the bay rippled the lake as a flock of swans swam by.

In attendance were Muhammad, Alice, and their baby; Jamilah’s mother and brother, with her brother acting as her wali; Adel and Sahar, along with Sahar’s husband (a tall Iraqi engineer she’d married the year before); Sandra Dempsey, the nurse; Lieutenant Katrina Sanchez and her family; Fatimah (the young sister who took over Hassan’s martial arts class) and her family; and Kadija, who returned from Indonesia with all her children especially for the occasion.

Palace of Fine Arts, San Francisco

Palace of Fine Arts

Rather than the Western-style white gown and tux, Hassan and Jamilah donned traditional Arab wedding attire. Hassan wore a long Arab-style shirt and loose pants, along with a cloak embroidered in gold thread and a black and white checked keffiyeh.

Jamilah looked stunning in a black and scarlet brocaded dress embroidered with white beads; a flowing white hijab with real gold coins dangling from the fringes; and henna designs on her hands.

The Palace of Fine Arts was a public area, and Hassan noticed many tourists stopping to take pictures of Jamilah. He couldn’t blame them. His heart was filled with gratitude and pride. He didn’t know what he had done to deserve Jamilah’s patience and love, but he felt like a prince about to receive the hand of the most beautiful princess on earth.

The wedding was officiated by Imam Sulayman, who looked directly at Hassan as he mentioned a Hadith Qudsi in which Allah said, “O son of Adam, so long as you call upon Me and ask of Me, I shall forgive you for what you have done, and I shall not mind. O son of Adam, were your sins to reach the clouds of the sky and were you then to ask forgiveness of Me, I would forgive you. O son of Adam, were you to come to Me with sins nearly as great as the earth and were you then to face Me, ascribing no partner to Me, I would bring you forgiveness nearly as great as it.”

“The past is a wealth of experience from which we should draw lessons,” the Imam continued. “It is not a pool of regret from which to poison ourselves. There can be no happiness without forgiveness: the forgiveness of Allah for our sins; forgiveness for each other; and forgiveness for ourselves. Do not say, ‘If only,’ or ‘I should have.’ Look to the future and to the present moment. Look to your partner’s loyalty and kindness in sharing his and her life with you. Look at the kindness of your friends, here because of their love for you. Look to the mercy of Allah, who washes your heart and gives you the gift of life every day.”

It was a beautiful day. When it was over Hassan had a sweet memory to add to his mental storehouse, so that he could – day by day – balance the tide of pain and self-recrimination that still sometimes kept him awake at night.

***

Hassan didn’t want a honeymoon. He was tired of strange places and faces. Instead, he and Jamilah purchased an apartment in San Francisco’s Mission District and spent the first two weeks of their marriage fixing it up. It was a good feeling for Hassan: back in a neighborhood he knew, eating Mission burritos for lunch and Vietnamese takeout for dinner, and spending his days with Jamilah cleaning, painting, and furnishing. Just the two of them, working together, getting to know each other as husband and wife.

It felt right, which was an extraordinary thing for Hassan, because it wasn’t a feeling he was used to. For so long, life had felt wrong in one way or another. But all he had to do was look at Jamilah to know that he’d made the right choice, and that he was exactly where he was supposed to be.

A few days after the wedding, Hassan and Jamilah were discussing what colors would be best for the bathroom. Hassan – who felt strangely free and adventurous, at least as far as bathroom colors went – wanted light blue with white soap bubbles.

Jamilah laughed. “Believe it or not, Shamsi used to subscribe to a home and gardening magazine, and I read an article that said primary colors like blue are okay for bathrooms, but to calm it down with white trim. So who am I to deny your water and bubble dreams?”

“What about Shamsi, anyway? Why didn’t she come to the wedding?”

“Not just her,” Jamilah said, holding a color wheel up against the wall. “Her mom and sisters too. Ever since we let her go from Salsabil, she and I haven’t spoken. I sent her an invite, you know. She blew it off.”

“How did your mom react to that?”

“It’s funny. I expected her to be upset, but she shrugged it off and told me this whole story about how she and her sister Lutfieh – that’s Shamsi’s mom – never got along. Lutfieh always thought she was better than my mom because she went to university. Back then they all lived in a refugee camp in Lebanon, struggling just to eat. Everyone in the camp was suffering. When Mom graduated high school, she went to work as a house cleaner. She understood that she couldn’t indulge her own dreams. Her salary helped pay for Lutfieh’s school books and uniforms. Then she met my dad and got married. By the time Lutfieh finished school, the family had immigrated to this country. Lutfieh had opportunities my mom never had, but to her, my mom is an uneducated primitive who doesn’t understand the world.”

“Did you know all of that?”

“Not at all. I knew life was hard for my mother growing up, but I never understood how much she sacrificed. My adventures have always alarmed her. She clings so hard to what she thinks of as security. I think I’m beginning to understand why.”

***

Hassan atoned for breaking his vow to never again use a gun. Every day for a month he delivered supplies of food and clothing to the youth shelter on Larkin Street. He didn’t imagine that this would buy him forgiveness for the things he’d done. The best he could do was to follow evil with good, and hope that, as Allah said in the Quran, the good would wipe out the bad.

He did not renew the vow, however. He considered it – but – well, he just didn’t, and couldn’t say why. He skirted the subject, even within the privacy of his own mind.

***

Jamilah completed the last year of her law studies at Golden Gate University. Hassan sold his share of Hammerhead Courier to Adel, and went to work for a nonprofit that assisted needy Central American immigrants. The organization helped struggling immigrants apply for residency and work, provided referrals for low-cost medical care, and provided literacy tutoring. His salary was minimal, but that was irrelevant. He wanted the experience for something he had in mind.

He learned of the death of his friend Wolf under strange circumstances. Though no one was ever arrested for the crime, Hassan had his suspicions.

He also learned of the assassination of his father’s old friend, Dr. Basim. The timing of Basim’s murder implied some kind of involvement in the violence that had occurred two years ago. Hassan could not accept, however, that Basim had betrayed him in any way – as Jamilah and Layth had suggested two years ago. Instead he chose to believe that Basim died protecting him.

California coast

“Muhammad and Alice remained in Gualala…”

Muhammad and Alice remained in Gualala, where Muhammad continued to direct Salsabil while Alice ran her gift shop. They enjoyed raising a child in that peaceful place, and the income from the clinic provided all of them – Muhammad, Alice, Hassan, Jamilah, and Kadija – with a comfortable income. Alice, who had been on the edge of converting to Islam for a long time, embraced the Deen entirely.

Hassan had difficulty obtaining a visa for Gala to come to the U.S. Finally Gala told him gently that he need not try. She and Abu Layla were getting married. “He’s crusty as a boot heel,” she conceded, “but he’s lively. At my age one can’t be picky.” Hassan congratulated her, but at the same time he felt a little sad, as if he’d lost her all over again. He had imagined her living with him and Jamilah, being cared for. But it seemed she wasn’t done caring for others.

Just about the time that Jamilah received her law degree and passed the bar exam, she gave birth to a girl. They named her Ayah, after Jamilah’s grandmother. Hassan wept that day, partly out of joy for the blessing of his daughter, and partly for the the child he’d never met.

Kamal would have been eighteen years old if he had lived. What would he be like if he were alive? Hassan wondered. Would he love his little sister? Would he be a typical teen, staying out late and getting into trouble? Or would he be my right-hand man, someone I could count on?

The name Ayah, of course, meant a sign or a miracle. Seven and a half pounds, olive skinned, and black haired like her mother, Ayah changed him. Being a parent, he realized, was like splitting off the most important piece of your soul and passing it on to your child, where it took root, grew and changed into something new and wonderful. The child’s happiness, sadness or pain were all more important than your own. Just looking at Ayah made Hassan smile, and he knew that there was nothing he wouldn’t do for her, and that his life would never be the same.

***

Hassan finally visited Charlie, who was held at a secure federal prison hospital situated on the mountainous, windswept pass between the Central Valley and the Mojave Desert. Gaining permission to see him proved easier than he expected. In fact, they accepted his assertion that he was an old friend of “John Doe” at face value.

Charlie sat in a chair in a locked dayroom, unrestrained, gazing out the barred window at the brown hills. The right side of his face sagged, and the fingers on his right hand were curled into claws.

When Hassan sat in front of him, Charlie’s gaze shifted to meet his. His little brother, Mr. Green, the Crow – Hassan didn’t know how to think of him – regarded Hassan for an uncomfortably long time. Hassan imagined he saw anger in the man’s eyes, resentment and perhaps regret, but maybe none of that was true.

He held Charlie’s good hand, brushed the hair from the man’s eyes, and wiped the drool that leaked from his mouth. He whispered to him that he was sorry, and that he loved him. There was nothing else to say. He kissed his brother on the cheek and left.

Exiting the prison, he found four FBI agents waiting for him. They drove him to their Bakersfield office and detained him. What, they wanted to know, was his relationship with the notorious assassin?

Because he had no honest answers to give them, he said nothing. They allowed him to phone an attorney: he phoned Jamilah. She showed up hours later with the baby on her hip, tongue lashing the agents in a righteous rage, demanding that they charge Hassan or release him. They let him go.

 

***

 

When Ayah was weaned, Hassan made his proposal: that he and Jamilah move to Lebanon.

“Not only to Lebanon,” he said, clasping Jamilah’s hands between his. “But Tel-Az-Zaytoon itself. The same camp where your family lived. You can’t imagine the poverty and suffering there, Jamilah. Between your law degree and my experience, plus our money, we could do so much good. I want to set up an organization that will advocate for the rights of the Palestinians in Lebanon, as well as provide medical services, job training – “

“Stop,” Jamilah said. She put her arms around him and embraced him tightly. “You don’t have to convince me, my love. To help my people in some way has been my dream since I was ten.”

So they did. They purchased a two-bedroom apartment in southern Beirut, just outside the Tel-Az-Zaytoon refugee camp. Though the neighborhood was poor, their home was clean and well furnished, and they were liked and respected by their neighbors. They loved each other, and believed in their work. They were, on the whole, happy.

Photo album

“Hassan slowly flipped the pages…”

They kept a large photo album with a paisley-patterned cover on a coffee table in the living room. It contained photos of their wedding, Ayah’s babyhood, and assorted photographs sent to them by Muhammad, Alice, and Kadija. On the first page were the three photos of little Kamal. Hassan sometimes sat on the plush green sofa and slowly flipped the album pages, avoiding the first page the way one might avoid touching a wound.

Finally, taking a deep breath, he’d turn to that page and study those three photos. Looking at them, he built on what he could see, imagining what happened before and after the photo was taken. He imagined how Lena had to teach Kamal to hold the crayon properly, how his favorite colors were blue and brown, how Lena praised him and tacked the drawing to the wall…

Jamilah, when she saw him in these moods, would sit beside him and rub his shoulders. She was a torch in a dusky world, providing warmth and light. Hassan didn’t know what he would have done without her.

Slowly but surely, the organization they founded – which they named Hurriyyeh (Freedom) – grew until it employed forty people, all Palestinians from Tel-Az-Zaytoon or nearby camps. The Hurriyyeh model was based on marrying services to industry. They established a pencil factory in the camp; the profits from the factory paid for the social services.

One organization alone could never end the suffering of a nation, but a single life saved was a miracle, and Hassan felt that maybe – just maybe – he was redeeming himself day by day. Maybe Allah would forgive him for all he’d done, and maybe one day he would meet his Lord in peace.

They were blessed with another child, a boy this time. They named him Jamil, in honor of the brother who had been such a good friend to Hassan in El Reno.

Initially they spoke to Kadija, Muhammad, and Alice weekly on Skype, but over time the weekly calls became monthly, then bimonthly. It was alright. The five of them would always be best friends, but everyone was busy with their lives.

Once or twice a year Hassan and Jamilah brought the kids along to meet Lena for coffee and pastries on the Corniche. Hassan would have given up these get-togethers if Jamilah objected, but she never did. Rightly or wrongly, he felt responsible for Lena. He couldn’t abandon her altogether. He just wanted to make sure that she was keeping it together and getting by. Lena would chat about waitressing or art, while Hassan and Jamilah would tell stories of their old messenger days in San Francisco, or talk about the kids.

If Hassan pressed, Lena would sometimes share a tidbit of information about Kamal. She never spoke about her drug habit, and Hassan didn’t push. He wasn’t there to fix Lena. He was there to be there. Maybe that was the whole point.

Gala visited often. On one visit she informed Hassan that Muhsin had sold the Mercedes taxi and replaced it with a Hyundai that got better mileage and cost less to maintain. As a result he was now earning twice what he used to. Hassan didn’t mind. The brother knew best what he needed for his business.

Jamilah’s mother flew to Lebanon two or three times a year. She complained bitterly about their living conditions, haranguing Hassan to move his family out of the camp and “out of this crazy country.”

“Every one of these people would leave if they could,” she’d insist, jabbing her finger into the air. “No sane person chooses to live here.”

Hurriyyeh opened another branch in Ain Al-Hilweh, a sprawling camp of 120,000 Palestinian and Syrian refugees outside Sidon. For this branch they built a tuna-canning factory, using only line-caught albacore tuna packed in Lebanon mountain spring water. The product was popular, and soon they were exporting to much of Europe. Per the Hurriyyeh economic model, they used the profits to open schools and clinics. For some of the camp children, it was their first time setting foot inside a proper school. Some had never seen a dentist.

Hassan heard from the Panas only once. The Eid after Hurriyeh 2 opened, he received a card in the mail. It read, “You see? You are changing Lebanon after all.” It was signed by Jasper. What the Panas ultimately chose to do with their training and connections, Hassan did not know.

By the end of Hassan and Jamilah’s second year in Lebanon, Syria was being torn apart. Refugees flooded into Lebanon, bringing stories of horror and death at the hands of the cursed Assad regime. Hassan’s thoughts turned increasingly to Abu Yahya and Hamada, the grandfather and child who had taken him in when he was shot and left for dead in the Syrian countryside. Abu Yahya, if he was still alive, would be an old man now. Hamada would be in his thirties, perhaps married and a father.

Were they alive? Were they suffering? Hassan felt torn, knowing that Jamilah would go ballistic if he told her that he wanted to travel into Syria to search for them, but at the same time feeling compelled to do so.

 

***

 

That, however, is a subject for another story, another day.

This story will end with an excursion that Hassan and his family took to the beach on a May afternoon. Jamilah sat on a beach chair beneath an umbrella, nursing baby Jamil and listening to the radio.

Hassan sat about ten feet away in the sand near the waterline, watching his daughter Ayah chase seagulls, sandpipers and the occasional long-legged wading bird. The sand was warm between his toes, and he wore a keffiyeh draped over his head to shield himself from the sun’s early afternoon glare.

When Ayah tired of her game, she ran back to Hassan and threw herself into his arms. Her hand went immediately under the keffiyeh to his ear, where she began fingering his earlobe. This was something she’d done since she was an infant. She seemed to find comfort in it.

Antalya Beach, Turkey“Baba, isn’t this the most wonerfulest day?” she said in English.

Hassan knew that Ayah would grow up fluent in Arabic, but he wanted her to learn English as well. So Jamilah spoke to the children only in Arabic (she needed the practice anyway) while Hassan used only English. So far it seemed to be working. Ayah could switch back and forth instantly. She was a bright child, articulate for her age – three and a half – and always curious about the world.

“Yes sweetie, it is wonderful.”

“Did your Baba take you to the beach when you was a kid?”

Hassan smiled. “Yes, many times.”

“But… where is your Baba? I want to see him.”

“Only Allah knows, honey, but I believe he’s in Jannah.”

Ayah put on her “I’m thinking about that” face. “Where is that?”

Hassan described Jannah, with its green grass, immensely tall trees and sparkling rivers.

“I want to go there!” Ayah said excitedly. “Can we go there Baba? Can we go on a plane or a choo-choo train?”

There was such a pleading tone in her voice that Hassan hated to tell her no. Ayah, he knew, didn’t understand the concept of death, and he didn’t want to explain it for fear it would upset her. So he said, “One day we can go there Insha’Allah, but not for a long time. When people get to the end of their lives, and they pass away, they go to Jannah to be with Allah. But you can’t get there on a plane.”

Of course not everyone went to heaven, but Ayah could learn about “the other place” when she was older.

“Okay. Baba, can we look for seashells together?”

“Sure.”

A few minutes later, Ayah squealed with delight and held up a perfect little conical shell with a swirling purple and white pattern.

“Wow!” Hassan exclaimed. “Good job, sweetie.”

Ayah gave him a stern look. “Say ma-sha-Allah, Baba.”

Hassan grinned. “You’re right. Ma-sha-Allah!”

“What’s the name of it?”

“I believe it’s called a purple unicorn.”

Ayah stared at the shell in amazement, perhaps thinking that she’d found an actual horn of a tiny unicorn. She ran off to share her amazing find with Mama.

Hassan remembered a day when he’d visited the beach with his family as a child. Charlie was building a sand castle when an older boy came along and kicked it over. Hassan leaped up in fury, outraged that anyone would bully his little brother. He tackled the boy, who was even bigger than Hassan himself, stuffed a handful of sand in the bully’s mouth, and released him to run off crying. Their father came limping out quickly across the sand, supporting himself with two canes. Hassan was sure that their dad, who constantly preached the principles of pacifism, would scold him for fighting. But Baba only put an arm around him and said, “Good for you for protecting your brother.”

He hadn’t done a very good job of that in the end, had he? He turned away from his family, looking out over the sea. The sun sparkled on the waves like a promise of heaven. In the far distance, wooden fishing boats plied the waters for pandora, yellowfin or redfin mullet.

Maybe one day he’d be free of guilt. Maybe he wouldn’t be haunted by all his failures, all the people he’d let die or killed with his own hands. Maybe one day he’d wake up to find his heart healed like soft red wax – a miracle to start the day – and he’d be free as a cat, living his second life or fifth or ninth – who could keep track? – and he’d laugh and swing Jamilah into the air and celebrate like the fair had come to town. Maybe one day.

At least he could finally see the horizon. No more was he diving into the depths and finding only unanswered questions and unrelenting murk. Now, finally, he knew where he stood. He knew who he was, who he loved and who loved him in return. He could see the way before him like a mountain path, meandering but climbing, and disappearing over the horizon.

He turned back to his family. Maybe he couldn’t forgive himself just yet, but he could still swing Jamilah in the air, couldn’t he? Having fed, little Jamil – who was turning out to be a good-natured and energetic boy – slept in a covered baby carrier. Jamilah was opening the picnic basket, taking out a sandwich for Ayah.

Hassan lumbered toward them like a beast, swaying from side to side. “I am the Mediterranean sea monster,” he growled, “coming to get you.”

Ayah shrieked with delight and hid behind her mother, crying, “Baba’s the Manian sea monster!”

“Stop it, Baba,” Jamilah whispered urgently. “You’ll wake the baby.”

“I’m not Baba,” he growled. “I’m a sea monster!” Putting his hands on Jamilah’s waist, he lifted her right out of the beach chair and up over his head.

“Ya Allah!” Jamilah exclaimed, laughing now. “Have you gone crazy, Hassan?”

Ayah laughed as well, dancing around her father’s legs, saying, “Do me! Do me!”

Hassan put Jamilah down on her feet and looked into her smiling eyes. “Maybe I am crazy, oh wife of mine,” he said. “Would you have me any other way?” He caressed her cheek. “I have a lot of regrets, my love. But you will never be one of them.”

Jamilah punched him playfully in the chest. “Oh, stop it, you big fool,” she said. “Here, pick up your daughter and swing her around. And when you’re done, have a sandwich.”

And that’s just what he did.

 

THE END

 

Footnote: Writing this series has occupied a major part of my life for the last three years. Along the way I feel like I’ve come to know and cherish these characters as friends. I hope you feel the same.

I thank MuslimMatters.org for giving me the opportunity to share these stories with all of you. I thank Amy Estrada, who edited many of my stories. Amy, your help has been utterly invaluable. I also thank the readers who edited this last chapter: Amel Abdullah, Ifrah Kaleem, Khalida Jalili, Safa Al-Dabagh, Hind Marai and Saad Zuhaid Hashmi.

There are a couple of new stories already in the works:

1. Deadly Favors – This is a story about Layth and will take place after his conversion to Islam, but before his marriage to Kadija.

Synopsis: When Layth learns that his father owes large gambling debts and is being threatened by a bookie, he travels to Florida to help settle the problem. He soon finds himself in over his head with a gang of armed Muslims who use violence to settle scores;  the local branch of the mafia; and a mother who keeps preaching Christianity and trying to feed him roasted pork shoulder for dinner.

2. The Chair – This story about Jamilah takes place in the two month period between The Deal and Kill the Courier.

Synopsis: When Jamilah finds a plush chair on sale for $10 on Seventh Street, she must have it for her still sparsely furnished apartment. Problem: how will she get the chair ten blocks up the hill to her apartment, passing through the worst neighborhood in San Francisco? Along the way she deals with a homeless runaway, a lovestruck liquor store owner, profiling police, a flock of annoying pigeons, and two marriage proposals.

The first story will Insha’Allah be combined with expanded versions of Pieces of a Dream and A Lion is Born, and published as an e-book and a paperback. I hope to release the e-book within four or five months. Similarly, the other stories published here will eventually be released as e-books and paperbacks.

103 / View Comments

103 responses to “Ouroboros, Part 17 – A Time to Live”

  1. FYI, I’m aware that the name of Hassan’s daughter, Ayah, is not capitalized in the story. For some reason the MM software automatically reduces it to lower-case, except when it’s the first word of a sentence.

  2. Asiya says:

    *Big Sigh*…*sniffles*….*wipes nose*…*wipes eyes*
    Mashaa Allaah that was beautiful. Jamilah could have been a little bit more emotional at his proposal! I mean, good grief woman! I was a mess!
    I too became attached to the characters in this story (that’s when you know a story is a good one!) and am going to miss them dearly. Anyway, I’ll probably go back and read the whole thing all over again lol!
    My son (13) and daughter (15) have both been reading the series as well since way back when everyone was anxiously waiting on Ouroboros. I started some time before that and only told them about it after determining that the story was suitable for them. They absolutely love the story, the characters, the suspense, everything! and it is has been a ritual between the three of us to wake up Wednesday mornings and check to see if the next chapter is up lol! My kids are very much into fiction and it’s not always easy to find good material that agrees with what my husband and I feel they as muslim youth should or need to be exposed to at this age. So I just want to say jazaak Allaahu khayran for doing your part in filling this need for our family and certainly the needs of the youth of the ummah. Well done. Allaahumma barik.

  3. Taban says:

    yipeee jazaakAllah khairan to the fullest brother wael….. i have already made the book of your stories….i read it again and again…..i always thought how u will be able to wind up this series. ..i thought there would be some loopholes somewhere……but it all fitted in so nicely….it was overall i would say outstanding…simply outstanding……May Allah bless you Aameen

  4. Iffat says:

    It is a beautiful story. I am so glad I read it . Alhamdolillah

  5. Dhaakirah says:

    JazakAllaahu khairan for writing such a brilliant story, and giving us all something to look forward to each week. I too will miss all the characters, they certainly do feel like old friends.

    Looking forward to your upcoming new stories inshaAllah!

  6. yasmin says:

    I cannot believe it has finally come to an end. I am actually so sad :(
    I had been reading this since you first posted it. I felt so attached to the characters and will be sad not reading about them each Wednesday. Loved loved everybit of the whole series!! Cannot wait for the e-book. How will we know when it is out?

  7. Ali says:

    “Writing this series has occupied a major part of my life for the last three years. Along the way I feel like I’ve come to know and cherish these characters as friends. I hope you feel the same.”
    I Do!!!

  8. Ali says:

    Are you planning to write a story where Hassaan goes to Syria to find his friends?

    Love this story.

  9. Sid says:

    Salaams. Mash’Allah Br Wael! Jazak’Allahu Khair for a truly wonderful story. It was enlightening, inspiring and the best part, halal! :) Very much needed in a time when we are inundated with explicit, haram content, at every turn.

    And yes, the characters do feel like real friends and they will be missed! :(

    Jazak’Allahu Khair for all the time and effort you spent on this story – May Allah swt reward you immensely and grant you sakinah and barakah in all aspects of your life, Ameen.

  10. John says:

    Hasan needs to give three talaq to Lena in order to break his marriage with Lena.

  11. Nur says:

    Salam,.. I cried. I cried buckets. Now what would I look out for every Wednesday??
    I love this story masha Allah. It filled my heart with so many lessons.. Like Hassan, I have guilt and sorrow that I believed would never healed nor forgiven…
    Subhanallah… I can understand him.. It’s almost as if the story is talking to me..and help me healing.. Wallah.. I am crying as I typed this.. Allah is great…
    Thank you .. I enjoy your story .. It helps me to heal….
    Jazakallah brother… Jazakillah bikhair….

  12. Akhil says:

    I wish you could publish this novel as a book brother . Masha Allah

  13. Mariyam says:

    Jazakallah khair brother for your awesome stories! MashaAllah your talent is amazing, may Allah bless you and your family!

  14. Saudah says:

    Masha Allah. I loved it! My Wednesday wasn’t a Wednesday had i missed even one part of this incredible story. I am also kind of sad that this story is over. .. I am looking forward to reading your new stories soon insha-Allah.
    Barakallahu feekum!

  15. Reshma says:

    BaraqAllah brother…feeling a tinge of sadness that the story is over..had been following it for a while. May Allah add.baraqah to ur writing and may it help our seen. Ameen .

  16. JK says:

    What a beautiful ending and an amazing journey. Jazak Allahu Khairan Br. Wael for your hard work, and integrating Islam into such a interesting story. Really enjoyed it! It feels like a bittersweet Wednesday. I don’t know what I will do with my Wednesday morning cravings. :)

    Just a type I saw while reading, : “Almost as soon as he left Anton’s dirty flat, Hassan’s legs began to tremble. He put a hand against a grimy light pole with no bulb, supporting himself until he the shakes passed. ” I think you meant “the shakes passed.”

  17. Shelina says:

    Asalamualaykum I loved this Jazakallahu khair and im so sad its over.
    These stories actuallly taught me alot in life and believe it or not helped me bridge many unresolved issues and relationships.

    May Allah give you the ability to make more stories and help us learn from them Ameen.

  18. Mudas says:

    Mashallah! Jzk for sharing your talent. I too felt like I got to know the characters. They feel like good old friends with whom, if they dropped by for tea, we would have so much to talk about!! My favorite scene today was when Hassan is in sajda in the masjid in Turkey waiting for a sign from Allah.

    • “They feel like good old friends with whom, if they dropped by for tea, we would have so much to talk about!”

      That made me smile.

      Yes, that scene in the masjid was emotional for me to write. Actually this entire chapter brought out a lot of smiles and tears even as I wrote it.

  19. Hafsa says:

    A great ending to the story I have nothing to look forward to on Wednesdays anymore. Can’t wait for the new stories.

  20. Umm Haneefah says:

    JazakAllahu khayran brother for your time and making it free for us to read. You are truly gifted. ..may Allah continue to guide you and make you a source of guidance to others.
    I stumbled upon it not too long ago and it has been an enjoyable story filled with lessons and advice. It is gripping. ..and I loved every part of it.
    Now that you’ve finished ….what am I going to use as punishment/reward for my 10yr old daughter. ..? If she is good she gets to read it as soon as it is posted….if not, till she gets her chores done :).

    I look forward to reading your published books….I particularly like the reflections, hadith touching on everyday living/issues.

  21. Fatima Maryam says:

    Brother Wael,
    Honestly I am lost for words, this story, the characters, the hadiths and spiritual undertones were absolutely amaaaaaazing. The ending was epic I love how you tied everything together for the perfect ending, I truly am going to miss this. May Allah reward you and please dont ever stop writing Allah has blessed you with such a gifted talent and I know im not the only one who appreciates it. Its helped me a lot in realising many things and just left me in love with jamilah and hassan. I’ve always been intrigued to hear your own story after reading this maybe one day I can if Allah wills.
    Thank you for such a great gift may Allah reward you immensely.
    Ma-asalaama.

  22. Humaira Khan says:

    Okay so this was beautiful. A bit sad that it ended but I remember you saying that this part of the story will have a sad ending. Whatever happened to that?

    • I was curious to see your response to this chapter because you mentioned last time that Hassan had lost depth and become two dimensional. I don’t know if you noticed that I actually used your observation in this chapter:

      “Another image came to his mind: his own hands, breaking Mr. Black’s neck. Why had he done that? What had happened to the Hassan who had renounced violence, and had vowed never again to kill? The Hassan who had gone unarmed to face Jamilah’s kidnappers? The Hassan who helped people, rather than simply destroying? How had he gotten so far from who he aspired to be? How had he lost his way? How had he become this violent, two-dimensional ghost of his former self?”

      So I’m happy that I won you over.

      I don’t remember predicting a sad ending. I do remember that at the start of Ouroboros a few people wanted me to guarantee a happy ending where everyone would survive, and I said I couldn’t do that.

      • Humaira Khan says:

        Thanks! I hadnt realized it was my observation that you based that introspective paragraph on. I thought maybe that’s where you had been headed all along and I had judged prematurely.
        Hasan became much more interesting (read: complex ) the minute he shook off the amnesia, as you can see. In the final version maybe you can keep him from having amnesia in the first place. I can’t think of any medical explanation that would cause a sudden loss and then a sudden regain of old memories. Unless the underlying diagnosis is something psychiatric, a thought blocking/denial that stems from dissociative amnesia.
        Overall, a great effort and very well-written story that made me feel as though I knew all these characters in real life! And I’m going to miss reading about them every Wednesday for sure. However, I’m looking forward to your book being published in the near future. Wish you all the best!
        Whenever you’re ready to finalize your book though, I would love to be a beta reader at least for all the medical details you decide to include.
        Oh and I can actually see a whole new story emerging just from the epilogue. :)

      • The amnesia was purely psychological. He wasn’t ready to deal with everything that happened. But now that you mention it, I do believe I could do away with the amnesia altogether. My idea with the coma was that he wasn’t ready to wake from the coma until he worked through his psychological trauma. But if he worked through the trauma, then why should he have amnesia?

        Also, the amnesia doesn’t add any significant drama. I think I’ll eliminate in the rewrite.

      • Humaira Khan says:

        It’s our choices in life that show our character. You take away that choice and life is suddenly uninteresting. In a story, this introduces passivity and makes the character a victim of circumstances which is never very exciting to read about. Let’s say that when Hasan had woken up he had not suffered from amnesia, he understood what was going on and what had happened to him, and he had still made the choice to find Lena, that would make him more complex and therefore more interesting. The reader would want to know why he did what he did. Amnesia, on the other hand, leaves him with no choice but to go away. After all, he has no attachments to consider and the decision is easy. If told from Jamilah’s perspective, the amnesia can still make things interesting because it presents her with several choices and her decision to go with one or the other not only determines where the story goes but also sheds light on her character and her motivations. I’m not a writer though and this is just my opinion.

  23. Kulz says:

    Yay! I am so happy that I came back looking for this story after more than a year and found Ouraboras completed! What an adventure- spiritual and mentally. I can’t even describe how much fun this story was to read. I’m trying to make my friends and family meet my new friends (Jamiah, Khadijah, Layth, Hassan, and Mo). All aspects of life I’ve been thinking about lately have been touched upon- the Middle East conflicts, mental illnesses, lying politicians, even courier services and what do happy endings even look like!?
    Simply an amazing story, jazakAllah khair for sharing it and May Allah swt bring you the best when you do publish it. I know I’m going to get it!

  24. Bint A says:

    All things… must come to an end.

    Alhamdulillahil lathee bi ni’matihi tatimmus salihaat

    and so Alhamdulillah for that :)

    May Allah reward you brother Wael, and include this amongst your repository of good deeds due to the lives you’ve touched with your writing… including mine alhamdulillah. The best part in the whole series for me still has to be the epic realization of jamilah after the Okland Massacre… that was just so powerful it still gives me the shivers and really sums up the hidden unlimited drive and potential that is within us culminating into this sublime experience which can’t be put into words… and which you put into words lol.

    Alhamdulillah. Got a question for you… what will you title the book?

    Also, just want to take you up on your word about publishing a writers guide to fiction on MM. Some of us novices need direction and advice to produce more literature like yours insha’Allah!

    • Thank you, Bint A. The first book I’ll publish Insha’Allah will be about Layth and will be titled Pieces of a Muslim Dream, based on the stories on this website plus additional material. Then Jamilah’s Deal (about Jamilah of course) then a Hassan’s Tale trilogy.

      About the writer’s guide to fiction, I have actually been making notes and that and compiling it slowly.

      • Bint A says:

        JazakAllahu Khairun for that

        My two cents: Pieces of a dream flows better than adding Muslim in there … everything else sounds great.

        I also wanted a clarification on a discrepancy i felt while reading. I recall you writing that Hassan’s memory lapsed after the incident with Lena at the Topkapi palace which was the last memory he had with her. So youre meaning to say he didnt remember Lena’s alleged murder or any of it afterwards? But then isnt that what he should remember to have the urgency to find out whether she actually died or lived? Im confused with regards to his intention to seek out Lena as soon as he woke from coma and no one had yet told him what happened to her….didnt he also see a vision of her in that state when he was comatose? How could that incident only come to his memory after he meets her?

      • Bint A says:

        JazakAllahu Khairun! Look forward to that inshaAllah

        My two cents: Pieces of a dream flows better than adding Muslim in there … everything else sounds great.

        I also wanted a clarification on a discrepancy i felt while reading. I recall you writing that Hassan’s memory lapsed after the incident with Lena at the Topkapi palace which was the last memory he had with her. So youre meaning to say he didnt remember Lena’s alleged murder or any of it afterwards? But then isnt that what he should remember to have the urgency to find out whether she actually died or lived? Im confused with regards to his intention to seek out Lena as soon as he woke from coma and no one had yet told him what happened to her….didnt he also see a vision of her in that state when he was comatose? How could that incident only come to his memory after he meets her?

      • I’ll take a look and see if I can explain it better or clarify it in the story. Basically, he awoke with no memory of anything beyond that day at the Topkapi Palace. Though he’d seen some memories or visions in his coma, he didn’t remember all of them after he woke up. So to him, in that moment, Lena was still his wife.

  25. Ariba says:

    “Being a parent, he realized, was like splitting off the most important piece of your soul and passing it on to your child, where it took root, grew and changed into something new and wonderful. The child’s happiness, sadness or pain were all more important than your own.”
    This was much needed…running after the kids the whole day…one somehow feels drained out and such initial feelings go back in the brain somewhere…but you brought them back…indeed children are a great blessing and a great joy.

  26. imani bynoe says:

    what became of muhammad”s dad?

  27. umma nakwarai says:

    Jazak Allahu kharan br.for such an inspiring story,I’m an ardent follower of the series.very enjoyable Masha Allah…every beginning has an end,it ended beautifully. Eargly wait for Laith story insha Allah.may Allah increase your wisdom Aameen.(:

  28. Simeen says:

    Jazakallahu khayran brother Wael for this beautiful, beautiful story. Barakallahu feek. Maybe odd but I loved your quote about atheists actually rejecting God when they suffer.

  29. Ari J says:

    Allahu akabr. So I actually read from the very first post to the last. I loved this story. I still do. I felt attached to the characters. Really.

    “Was he evil? How could he perform any kind of sincere tawbah? How could he take even a step toward the bright image of himself that lived in his own imagination?

    He put his forehead down in prostration and stayed there, praising Allah, seeking forgiveness, pleading for guidance. His arms grew tired, yet still he prostrated, vowing not to rise until he had an answer. He confessed his guilt, his arrogance in thinking that a human life was his for the taking, his shame for forsaking Lena, his grief for his son. He dropped all pretenses, exposing himself before Allah, hiding nothing, knowing that he could never hide from Allah anyhow. He found himself spiritually naked before the Lord of All, having nothing to offer in his defense. He felt withered and desiccated, like the charcoal that remains after a tree burns in a fire.

    His arms and shoulders ached. He began to weep silently, not knowing what else to say to the Most High, nor how to redeem himself. Glory to You, he whispered. There is no God but You, alone without any partner. To You belongs the Kingdom and all praise; You give life and death; in Your Hand is all good; and You have power over all things.””
    ————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————

    SubhaanAllah. This part deeply touched me. Hasan’s past may have been so bad but I could so relate to this. It was a perfect moment for me to do istigfaar. I would have loved it more if he said the Sayyid-al-istigfaar over there. **Smiles**

    JazakAllahu khayran for the sequel. It was nice reading a story while been constantly reminded of Allah and his creations.

    Looking forward to the e-book and subsequent stories in shaa Allah.

    My Wednesdays are really going to miss your writings.

  30. Bint Kaleem says:

    I can’t even bring myself to comment but here goes…

    I’m not sure if you know this, I’ve followed this series since the first part of “Pieces of a Dream” was published. I still remember how giddy with happiness I was when I found a piece of fiction with mainstream quality writing. I too have been on this amazing journey for 3 years!

    Like I said earlier, your work fills me with lots of hope for the future of halal entertainment.

    JazakAllahu Khair again for putting in so much effort and time into creating this beautiful story.

    I pray that Allah blesses your work immensely. He knows how desperately our generation needs it.

  31. S says:

    i wanted to ask brother do u really believe even in our own busy lives friends remain friends….i dont seem to think that i think if there is a friend he should remain in contact … otherwise he is not a real friend….what do u say??? i have resentment against some of my friends and i want to get rid of it??? can u give some advice?

    • S, it goes both ways. Those friends of yours who are too busy to contact you, do you try contacting them?

      If you contact someone once or even twice and they don’t respond, give them the benefit of the doubt. But if you contact someone consistently and they never have time for you, then that’s not a real friend. A real friend should make time to see you at least several times a year if you live in the same area.

      But if you expect your friends to see you daily or even weekly, that’s too much, especially as people get busy with spouses, children, jobs, etc.

  32. Assalamu’alaikum Brother Wael. This is my first time commenting. I have read every single part of all your stories on MM! My favourite is The Deal. I’m not into politics and I’m a hopeless romantic so this is my fave line of this story: “Putting his hands on Jamilah’s waist, he lifted her right out of the beach chair and up over his head.” I’m glad that there was something for everyone and I’m grateful for the “halal” fiction you are providing for us. I was worried that I would be disappointed by the ending, but it brought tears to my eyes. JazakAllahu khaira!

  33. Nasra Ban says:

    This is the first time i have ever commented on here. All i want to say is that it has been an emotional journey. I feel so emotionally attached to these characters and have to say i cried reading this last chapter. What a marvelleous writer you are brother. I have thoroughly enjoyed all your stories and i feel like i have learnt so much, especially from Hassan’s character. It takes a fine writer to be able to engross people to the extent that you have. I look forward to more of your stories. Thankyou so much for inspiring me and making me cry lol.

  34. Maria says:

    Assalamu Alaikum brother Wael.
    For a while I had given up hope of the Ouroboros being written and carried a certain amount of guilt in the thought that maybe you had discontinued partly due to the spoilers/speculations in the comments over Mr Greens true identity (*guilty*).
    Alhamdulillah I was so delighted when I checked back a week or so ago to find it not only started but well into the later chapters! And when I doubted Hamdis bad intentions for Hassan I kept my finger firmly in my pocket lol!
    This has been such a wonderful story brother, I have laughed, cried (cried a lot- especially in the last chapter!), internalised, and thought about my relationship with Allah, and (as yourself and all our other brothers and sisters have done) have loved and felt a real connection with the characters.
    Jazak Allahu Khair brother for this gift you have shared with us, please don’t make us wait too long for the next stories.
    I love you for the sake of Allah.
    ~Peace

  35. Omar Ali says:

    Dude, that is some amazing skill!

    I don’t know if I ever commented on any of the stories, but I have been reading them ever since you began publishing them.

    Of course, I hooked my wife into the mess too. I definitely am going to collect them together and read them again in a book-form just to enjoy it that way.

    The story is a beautiful Islamic lesson in itself – and add to that, the layers of romance, thrill, suspense and war just make it just that much more entertaining.

    It’s a must read for all Muslims for sure. It’s a way out of everyone’s deep dark secrets and an embrace of Allah’s forgiveness.

    But I mean, for Hassan… for Hassan to come out of all that …. WOW (or as Ayah would correct us, Ma-sha’ Allah! :)

    I mean, literally, it is Allah’s will to get Hassan out of all this into a beautiful ending. Is it an ending. Not really – his new challenges of Marriage, kids, upbringing and his own community failing him – and he failing himself … will definitely be the new stuff to deal with.. But, what he endured… only someone Allah wants to endure can endure!

    I really do not know what I’m writing… I’m just awed. I’ll shutup and congratulate you and look forward to more of your works! Good stuff… really.. Bravo!

  36. Of course I’m always grateful for the regular commenters, but I’m especially pleased to see first-time comments here from readers I never knew I had, or who have been absent for while, like Cape Town Haafidha, Nasra Ban, Maria and Omar Ali.

    Cape Town Haafidha (can I just call you CTH for short :-) ) a few readers have objected to the way romance figures into all my stories, but I too am a hopeless romantic (or a hopeful romantic) and a good story just wouldn’t be the same without it.

    Nasra Ban, you’re very welcome.

    Maria, the delay had nothing to do with all you surprise spoilers out there, haha. I was just working on other projects.

    Omar Ali, I agree with you about all Hassan’s been through. It’s heartwarming even to me to see him finally grow up in a sense, and to arrive at stage of life where he can give and receive healthy love, and where he is using his talents and resources to truly change the world.

    To all the previous commenters who had such kind things to say and who made dua’ for me, ameen and may Allah reward you all. Honestly, getting good and even bad feedback from you readers has been the best part of writing this series.

  37. saf says:

    Asalaamu Alaikum.
    I very nearly almost forgot about reading this last installment today but Alhamdulillah that didn’t happen. It has been such a long journey- I remember waiting anxiously for the series to return; now I will just have to wait for the others. It’s been a whirlwind of emotions and learning; I must commend you for putting across Islam in a way that is practical and real and meant as a path to bring healing. May Allah allow you to continue benefitting others through your writing – it’s been the only Islamic fiction I’ve read by a male author and it was a job well done. Just as they’ve been a part of your lives, so too in this reader’s and I’ll carry a special place in my heart for them. Once again, thanks.

  38. Umm Muhammad says:

    Assalaamu ‘Alaikum brother Wael. I’ve been reading the series ever since, but this will be my first time to comment. Jazaakallahu khair. Thank u so much. My husband knows the story as well although he has really no time for reading but I gladly shared it to him, and sometimes he asked hows Hasan story going on. We will miss the characters. May Allah grant you more strenght and patience and reward u immensely.

    KSA

  39. Avid Reader says:

    I was also one of your (surprise) spoilers from the last chapter … well almost – you deleted the comments rather quickly:-)

    But, I was real glad to see you did take my latter “Hassan’s penchant for torture and killing” comment seriously and I saw Hassan change for the better in a profound manner. His transformation itself was beautifully depicted, culminating in the masjid/sajda scene as many readers have attested.

    I wish the highest level of success in your future writing (to borrow a quote from Sh. M. Al Shareef).
    Keep on changing people’s attitudes, keep on goading them to goodness and keep on guiding them towards God.

  40. neha says:

    i have only one word for the story – beautiful.
    cant wait for the paperback.

  41. sam says:

    Mashallah what a wonderful story. I have re-read the series a number of times now, and I’ve got really attached to the characters, which is something only a very talented author could do. May Allah make it easy for you and continue to bless you in creating such wonderful work.

  42. Sahima says:

    Awww, what a lovely ending! Still sad it’s over! Going to feel weird not reading this on a weekly basis. I am so happy things are finally starting to look up for Hassan. From the first couple of stories I had found Jamilah quite irritating;however,she soon became one of my favourite characters. I have also shared this series with friends and they love it equally. Well done Brother Wael, MahshaAllah you are so talented. Looking forward to your future work inshaAllah. Have a well-earned break!☺

  43. Sajidah says:

    I was smiling through tears as I reached the end of this story. I am so glad I came back to the MM site in search for Ouroboros many months after first stumbling across these beautiful characters and this captivating narrative. I remember back when I first started reading (rather obsessively) about a year ago and mentioned this to a friend, her reaction was ‘Muslims can write??’ MashaAllah Wael, you have proved above and beyond. At the start I identified most with Jamilah, both in terms of spirit and educational aspirations, but towards the end it was truly Hasan’s inner conflict that resonated most. The sujood scene was powerful, and I pray we are blessed with his humility, wisdom and sincerity in turning back to Allah when all ends seem to be at loose.

    On another note, man, the US and its Muslim community seems so cool!

  44. Fibi says:

    I have been following this story since it was first published. I cant believe that this story has ended :(
    Some of the memories sounds almost real. But overall, it has changed so many perspectives about life and struggles polishing our character and faith. I just wanted to thank you for adding this beautiful piece of literature in archive.

  45. Taban says:

    wednesday came and went ….i thought there was some vacancy…than i realised series has ended…Brother plzzzz dont break this tradition….can u please release a little short story on every wednesday with islamic morals….anything will do….atleast wednesday will still be my favourite day “

    • :-( I’ll write a short story every now and then, Insha’Allah, but my attention right now is focused on Pieces of a Dream & A Lion is Born. I’m expanding them and adding to the plot to create a novel.

      Also, now that Ouroboros is complete, I’ve turned my attention back to martial arts for a while. For the last five years I’ve been in the process of creating my own style. It’s time-intensive but I think it’s worth it.

      Other projects on the drawing board include:

      * A novel about a Muslim private detective in the year 2045.

      * A children’s chapter book about a girl that travels between dimensions.

      * An Islamic textbook for kids 10 to 12.

      * A collection of Islamic essays.

      * A collection of love poems.

      Enough to keep me busy for the next ten years, basically, ha ha.

      • Khalida says:

        as-salaamu ‘alaikum wrwb Br. Wael,

        Those projects seem amazing and much-needed. I look forward to them!

        JazaakAllah Khair

  46. Taban says:

    Thats greatttt mashaa Allah…..May Allah bless it all…… Aameen :)

  47. Amatullah says:

    This was SO amazing, ma sha Allah!!! I re-read some paras twice and even thrice – Hassan confronting Lena, Hassan proposing Jamilah, Hassan feeling revenge for Anton — It felt so beautiful and real. I’m sure your novels will be here to inspire lakhs if not thousands of people around the world. I’ve wept,smiled,worried as I read this final episode and sometimes it was all at the same time. May this piece of yours inspire everyone with a dark/unpleasant past, may it help them deal with it, may it help them gear up and move on in life, Aameen.
    There were somethings though that made me feel bad. Lena! I wish she could get help, I wish somebody if not Hassan could mend her with love. She said she was ready to change! I was thinking of all such people who exist today. I really hope they get help. Hassan ofcourse was right in choosing Jamilah. Such is life! When you think you can’t deal with it, don’t go grab it yourself! Also, Anton. I mean what do such people achieve? I’m sure they themselves don’t know. But then, there are people like Muhsin who help you steer through your life and teach you to carry your burden when it feels like your back is gonna snap, all this without being asked for. Alhamdulillah. Finally, I’m glad Hassan has found the bottom of his sea.

    • What a beautiful comment. I agree with you about Lena. I want a better life for her. There was a time when she helped Hassan and loved him sincerely. Hassan’s final parting from her in this chapter was a deeply sad scene. I read it over again just now and it even made me cry.

      But this is life. Sometimes there are no easy choices, and no easy solutions. If she truly wants to change she has the power to do so.

      I’m happy for Hassan too. He went through hell and high water, as the saying goes, and found himself on his feet at the end, loved and giving love. Alhamdulillah.

      • Iman says:

        I ddidn’t find Hasan’s reasoning for not being with Lena to be true to his character. I found it a cop-out.
        There is a lot more there. THey could have at least sat down and really talked things through. He could have been a friend at least.
        He could have told her I’ll always be here for you, I’m praying for you, you’re going to be okay. and the author could have made it so that Lena herself comes ot the conclusion that marriage is not the way for her, but rather, to get clean and start anew. I found this part really disappointing and below the level of good character that i was used to from Hassan. He seems to just be thinking selfishly.

    • Iman says:

      i am so glad to read this. I am not finished the story – just on the second part, and Hassan’s attitude towards Lena i find too cold. I can’t really stomach it.
      Loyalty?
      i don’t know. I just don’t see that Lena is that bad. But someone new is in his life and he prefers her. I don’t know…I would rather that Lena had died or she is with another man. But to abandon her, when she rushes out of the restaurant like that . REally? I mean, Hassan throughout the story is all about saving people; he’s even willing to work with the difficult parts in Jamila’s character. But he can’t work with Lena? I find the reasoning to be off, out of character somehow.

  48. SZH says:

    Thank you Brother Wael for providing us with a long, immersing, interesting and inspiring story. Your story helped many of us and will help more (InShaAllah). I am very thankful that you mentioned my name. :-)

    Like every reader, I pray to Allah for Barakah in every aspect of your and our lives.
    And, I’ll wait for the e-book/book (or at least some compiled form) to give this novel to my family and friends.
    JazakAllah!

  49. Hajira says:

    SubhanAllah what a wonderful series!! I started reading this story last week and have been reading obsessively since. Every spare second has spent reading about Hassan, Jamilah, Layth, Kadija and Muhammad. I feel like they all became my friends and now I’m sad that I there is nothing more for me to read. *wipes tears* I’m glad to here that there will be paperback versions and I will definitely purchase those Insha’Allah. I just wanted to say JazakAllah Khair for writing such a great series of stories with amazing plot and lovable characters. I’m sad that it had to come to an end.

    • If you read the entire series in a week then you really must have been reading obsessively! :-)

      Thank you for your kind comments. Actually I kind of surprised myself by starting immediately on another novel. It’s not about these characters, however.

  50. Taban says:

    are you saying u are starting a new novel which will get published on this site every wed ? :)

    • Insha’Allah. First chapter is complete already, but I want to wait until it’s mostly done before I start posting.

      • Bint Kaleem says:

        Am I reading this right!? A new story on MM! Allah is indeed merciful! Alhamdulillah and JazakAllah Khair!!

      • Bint Kaleem says:

        Assalamualaykum brother Wael,

        I hope and pray that you are doing well! Any update on the short story on MM?

        • Wa alaykum as-salam. No, sorry. Earlier year I was working on a novel-length version of Pieces of a Dream. I was 95% finished when I had an idea for a sci-fi novel. I’ve been working on that obsessively and I’m almost finished. When I’m done, I’ll go back and finish Pieces of a Dream, Insha’Allah.

          I’ve also about half completed a novel about a Muslim private eye.

      • Bint Kaleem says:

        That’s sounds good ma shaa Allah. Eagerly waiting for the sci-fi novel! Allahumma Baarik Laka.

  51. Taban says:

    ok great mashaa Allah :) waiting patiently in shaa Allah

  52. SA says:

    This is the first novel I’ve actually finished reading. I just can’t seem to finish novels. But this whole story was amazing ma sha Allah. It’s been a long journey. I started reading it back when I was at a very low point in life and was battling depressing. The characters are indeed like our friends as you said and they’ve thought us lessons. JazzakAllah khair brother Wael. May Allah bless you and your writing.
    Looking forwards to the stories.

  53. Avid reader says:

    When I first started reading your stories in MM, then I was nursing my first daughter. The stories would be published at our local time 2.30 pm on Wednesdays. I would feed my daughter and put her to sleep before 2.30 and wait for the highlight of my week. I just finished reading this series after putting my second baby to sleep. That’s the highlight of my week. Jazakallah khair, it has been quite a journey for me.

  54. Iman says:

    I have totally loved this story, all parts of it; but I’m super disappointed in the ending.
    It sounds like a flimsy way to make it about choosing the practicing Muslim girl over the atheist. It just sounds contrived. Like the reasons for Hassan’s choice, and the circumstances that surround it (and the actions of the two women) are just to prove that Jamilah is better, because she is practicing.
    It just doesn’t ring true somehow.
    There has to be more than such a flimsy screen of writing placed over the template of boy chooses religious girl, because Hassan has a history with Lena. There was love there, there was a child, there was also abandonment of her. To treat her now like she was just a fantasy to be dismissed, and to decide her reality is too messy for him to deal with, that is unbelievably unmerciful. And that conversation when Hassan says he has no love to give Lena cuz his love belongs to another person – yuck. It just sounds awful.

  55. Asalamulaikum!

    I am in love with every part of this story. Though I discovered it this late, I am sooooo glad that I did! I have been hooked to it for the last two weeks, and though I missed out on a lot of things I had to do, but it was worth it. This sure goes into my list of all time favorites :) Brother Wael you are so gifted, MashaAllah. May Allah give more power to your pen.

    I just wanted to know whether the whole series has been accomplished as a paperback yet. I would love to have a book, that I could read again and again and at anytime :) Please let me know, if there is a book and where I can buy it from.

    Also, would love to read your other stories. If anyone could direct me?

    • Wa alaykum as-salam Sarah. All the stories are listed in the story index.

      I’ve been working obsessively the last few months on turning Pieces of a Dream into a full-length novel, and I’m almost done. I will release it as an e-book and a paperback, Insha’Allah. Look for that probably in late summer 2016.

  56. Mk says:

    As Salaamu alaikum varahmatullah vabarakatuhu,
    The stories were beautiful and really inspiring, I have read Islamic fiction first time and really feel that the world need to read such things more and more.. Jazakallah khair for such stories brother.. I just want to say that it would really be nice if you just add jamilah’s point of view in the conclusion part.. It would really be a treat..
    Rest everything was just awesome mashaallah ??

    • Ma-sha-Allah, I am glad you enjoyed the story Mk.

      • Mk says:

        Also please tell us about Muhammad and Alice part of the story, about Muhammad becoming so wise and about Alice’s journey to Islam.. I hope you will include all these things in the paperback you’ll publish inshaalaah.. Also please do mention jamilah’s point of view on Hasan’s proposal and when she actually met Lena… Waiting and hoping for all these things among your other works..may Allah help you on your path.. Give my Salam to your daughter too :D

      • Those are all good suggestions, especially about Jamilah’s reaction to meeting Lena.

  57. Abdullah Ahmad says:

    Assalamu Alaikum Brother Wael. One thing I noticed was that Hassan wasn’t questioned as to why records stated that he “died” during the earthquake in San Francisco. Clearly the agents at the airport know who he is. They should now from records that he “died”.

  58. taban says:

    Asalaamualaikum….hey what about that ghost thing …..all learned it from a single person ……you kept it a mystery

  59. Anonymous says:

    Assalamu’alaikum!

    I just wanted to say that I recommended this story to my little sister who doesn’t read a lot, and now she’s totally hooked. I keep seeing her read it in her free time and even in her not-so free time lol. I myself couldn’t stop reading it; I only stopped when I couldn’t take the pain from the story, and when my eyes were sore from staring at the computer so long. This is the first Islamic fiction novel that I have really loved, because you bring to life the struggles of the Muslim and also non-Muslim people in a real way. As an aspiring writer, this really motivates me, because your story is a trailblazer. It’s beautifully written with character depth and development, with history tied in it too, and I really appreciate that. I learned a lot from your fight scenes, and mentally took notes on how to write one lol. I usually do this with action-packed novels, and Alhamdulillah, yours was one of the best I’ve ever read. Jazakallah Khaiyr for giving the Ummah a gift like this, and may Allah reward you.

  60. Abdullah Ahmad says:

    Assalamu Alaikum Brother,
    Do you have a release date for your latest works yet? I have been waiting eagerly since forever now!!

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