Because Khadijah Asked: An Alternative Path To Meeting Mr. Right

by Megan Wyatt

Click on this link for a free video training series introducing specific concepts, actions, and exercises for single Muslimahs that goes along with this article: www.FindYourMrRight.com

Khadijah. Just saying her name instantly inspires me to want to be a stronger Muslimah, to sacrifice more, to discover her hidden strength and beauty she gave to her husband.

Khadijah. Who was this amazing, strong, beautiful, brilliant, pious, and noble woman? I don’t mean who was she in the seerah text, but who was she? What was it like to be her friend, what events shaped her life. What would it have been like to sit down with her, over a meal, and talk. What kind of advice could she tell me about marriage, Mr. Right, and living until your last breath is gone, all for the sake of Allah.

It is because of her that our deen begins with a legacy that starts, after Rasulullah, with a woman. After the Mercy of Allah, it is because of her sacrifices that we are Muslims today.  She gave everything she had, all that she owned, from her hands, heart, and soul for Islam.

But, to appreciate this beautiful opportunity she had, we have to back up to a very significant moment in time. That moment, is where she asked her maid servant, to inquire about the young man who was working for her to see if he was available for marriage, and would consider her. A man who had a beautiful character, was honest, hardworking, trustworthy, and produced amazing results for her business.

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Khadijah asked.

Khadijah, may Allah’s Mercy be upon her, asked about Prophet Muhammad for marriage.

She initiated the communication.

She sent someone on her behalf to find out if he was available for marriage.

And it was because she asked, that she got that blessed answer.

And with that answer, was the beginning of the of the greatest stories of love for all times, and also one of the greatest examples of a true muhsina and mumina.

A woman older than him, previously married with children, was inquiring about a younger bachelor, from one of the best tribes in town.  The honor of his acceptance wasn’t just hers alone. It was his too. He was going to marry one of the most beautiful hearts in all of Mecca. A woman who’s heart would sacrifice everything she had to support him, and Islam.

Khadijah asked.

Today, you’re probably wondering when and how you will get married. You go to school, maybe then grad school, and after this begin a career. As time passes, the pressure begins to set in to get married.

But out there in the world, you see lots of single and available brothers that you could consider as a Mr. Right potential.

What I want you to realize, is that many Mr. Right potentials, have no idea you’re available for marriage, ready to settle down, have time for a husband, or are willing to accept him for where he’s at in his career and education. (After all, few brothers in their early 20s will have enough income saved up for a luxury wedding, vacation, apartment, and car all at once.) But I meet sisters who tell me that this isn’t the main issue, that they can wait while he builds his career and financial situation up.

How is he ever going to know that you don’t mind letting him build things up over time? After all, he is living under the impression of the same cultural status quo that you are.

I recently surveyed the brothers on our Practimate list, and told them I was teaching you to be proactive, similiar to Khadijah, in finding a husband, by sending a third party to inquire on their behalf, whether a mahram, or a trusted friend. I asked them if they thought this was weird, desperate, or something they would consider offensive.

Their responses broke the common myth!

One brother said

“It will be more helpful if the word is “out there” in an appropriate manner. I feel like the present times are a bit in transition where old systems are failing (the waiting game) and new systems are coming into play, and we are held up between the two. For my parents’ time the waiting thing worked as it had the right setting from every perspective… “

Another brother said,

“A girl needs to put all the “games” aside and just be real with people. If that means that she tells he family about the brother…so they can talk with him, so be it. In fact, if a sister’s family or someone she knows came to me telling me that a sister is interested in me, I would at the very least check it out; I would take the opportunity seriously. Khadija (R) sent someone to speak with the Prophet (saws) about marriage…she took the initiative, this also shows that a women is strong and willing to take charge when needed. The sister has to be a REAL, genuine person, down to earth (for it to work.)

In general, the idea of you sending someone, respectably speaking, to inquire with tactfulness, and in a good manner – not a “I have a friend who likes you” mentality, but again, with maturity and modesty, is something a mature man, ready for marriage, will appreciate.

Only 1% of the brothers who responded didn’t agree with my recommendation. And it’s not that he disagreed, rather he felt that men should be more pro-active themselves, if they really want to be married.
So why not pursue Mr. Right  like Khadijah?

Sadly, we have ignored this example (and others)  from Islam of women sending a “messenger” to inquire on their behalf about marriage.  That they were proactively involved in the marriage process.

Sisters accuse others of being desperate when they let others know they are looking to get married.

Families believe that a daughter must be sought after and it is shameful for a daughter and her family to approach a man for marriage.

And so, many beautiful, smart, educated, talented women are waiting and waiting for Mr. Right to knock on their father’s door. And in the silence of a new beautiful day, when no one is looking you may feel sad and despair. Of course, you know all things are in the hands of Allah. Of course, you know that there is reward in sabr, but you are like everyone else on the planet. A desire to marry, and one day to begin a new family.

So rather than judgment, and a discussion on the ideal bubble we all “should,” be living in:

It’s time to re-examine our value system, and not forbid or look down upon something approved of and practiced by the best man on the face of the earth, and our Mother for all believers, one of the best women in human history.

The re-examination process, begins with you.

If you are ready to consider an alternative option for seeking out Mr. Right, then first, I want to mention that there are rules to this pro-active approach.

Here are some guidelines to follow anytime you are considering being the pro-active person in initiating marriage dialogue.

1) Never initiate something without having a wali or mahram having complete knowledge of what is going on. This protects you and the potential Mr. Right from ending up in a situation not pleasing to Allah. You want to go through this process in a halal and dignified manner.

2) Send someone you trust to ask on your behalf, without initially revealing your identity. This way, you know if the brother is even available before revealing your personal information. One brother mentioned in the survey responses, that it’s great to give a brother a heads up that someone is interested, because if he is talking to another sister already, then he can let the messenger know, and if it doesn’t work out, he can come back and also let her know.

If he is interested, then have your “go between” share who you are, and ask the brother how you and your wali can contact him – but communication should always go back to your wali or mahram.

3) Pray istikharah. We ask Allah to guide us daily every time we say “Ihdina Siratul-Mustaqeem” in salah, but we are also blessed to have a special du’a just for making decisions.


The reality is that many brothers out there desperately want to get married, but feel there are so many hurdles to overcome to get there.

The first hurdle, is fearing rejection. Women tend to think men always have their act all put together, but they have their own batch of insecurities, and fears. It may make things easier for a man to consider you when he already knows you are interested. And if he isn’t, he will be more confident in pursueing the right person for him in the future.

And what about you? Doesn’t this put you on the line to face rejection. Of course it does, but you have two choices. Do nothing, and wait, and handle the challenges of just waiting, which is fine if this is the path you want to take. Or do something, be pro-active, and possibly meet your Mr. Right, and handle the challenges of asking.

In every other area of ‘ibadah, we don’t sit down and wait for it to come to us. For Hajj we save, for money we work, for knowledge we seek it out. Marriage doesn’t have to be an exception.

Because Khadijah asked, so can you.

Megan is a Life Coach who is working with FindYourMrRight.com

55 / View Comments

55 responses to “Because Khadijah Asked: An Alternative Path To Meeting Mr. Right”

  1. Anonymous says:

    I was once approached by a sister. I never found it awkward, nor did my family, nor her family.

    Ma sha Allah, great article!

  2. Saladin says:

    Men are sometimes woefully ill-equipped to understand women. Sometimes we just need to be told something straight out. As long as communication is proper, I encourage sisters to speak their heart. Salaam!

  3. Umm says:

    Very well put, May Allah reward you abundantly.
    I think Istikharah prayer should come before going to wali or mahram.
    Allah knows best

  4. a sister says:

    I might be wrong but it was my understanding that Khadijah had her maidservant enquire in such a way that marrying Khadijah was posed as a suggestion….Prophet Muhammad salalahu alayahi wasalam wasn’t told that she was interested and then it was confirmed that he was interested but he wasn’t sure if such a noble woman would want to marry him so then the maidservant said she would ask but of course Khadijah was already interested. In this manner the woman doesn’t get hurt because she is not exposed and the guy doesn’t get hurt because the girl already is interested but he has no idea so he won’t get rejected at least not from the start.

    Jazakallah khair…this was a really nice article and reminder.

  5. Sh says:

    good article. I also asked through a friend and alhamdullilah I did because the “no” from that side freed me to say yes to start the marriage process with another brother who’s family had asked. And alhamdullilah this prospect became my husband.

    There is nothing wrong with asking through someone. If you do get rejected, it will be for the best inshallah because it will free you to think about other more suited for you prospects.

  6. abez says:

    Great article, Alhamdulillah. I can totally sympathize with those sisters who are still playing the waiting game. I waited around until I was 25, and when Mr. Right failed to come knocking, I started to take a more active approach. I eventually asked my (now) husband whether he was going to propose or whether I would have to propose to him first, and I did this in the company of my mother. (she smacked me) Though I wouldn’t recommend the blatant approach for all sisters, I strongly support taking a more educated, and more Islamic approach to seeking out a good Muslim husband instead of just hoping one falls from the sky.

  7. Maryam says:

    SubhanAllah this was a cool read Megan jan.
    jazakAllah khayr for this love.

  8. anonymous says:

    Assalamu alaikum,
    I’m glad you addressed the issue sister but I’m not sure whether to agree with you or not, because when I used to tell people in general discussions that it is not wrong for a sister to approach a brother, I was once told that this proposal was pre-Islamic and so it is not the right way to go about. Also, very recently I read in Al-Jumu’ah magazine that it is the nature of a woman that “women don’t seek, they are sought after.” I’m not sure if a Shiekh said this or what but I think it makes sense. So I think that instead of women having to go out and approach a brother, brothers are men, therefore, they should take the initiative no matter what their insecurities are. I mean, I know that sisters have put their expectations for potential brothers way up to the sky and that is what causes the brothers to be insecure. So, insha’allah, the sisters should bring their expectations down a little so the brothers can have more confidence to approach them, instead of it being the other way around. And Allah knows best.
    Wassalam

    • Ibn Masood says:

      There’s a hadeeth of RasulAllah (saw) during his time in Madinah where a woman approached him with a proposal.

  9. islam deen says:

    Can’t say that I agree with the article..alot more variables at play. Reality isnt simplistic as this article tries to make it be.

  10. Awil Jama says:

    Sallam great article sister Megan. I think that sisters do need to put their exception of brothers down a little bit. Mr. Denz is not out there that much as back in the days. Sisters just please keep it real, marry a brother because it’s the right thing to do. Don’t do it for some other reasons or intentions. Brothers have to demand more from themselves we have to stop being lazy and pathetic fools. If brothers are not improving on their qualities and sisters keep excepting so much from them, there will be madness. I think it’s okay for a sister to ask for a brother’s hand as long as she does it in modest, respectful and proper way.. If the sister knows a good brother in the community and she is interested in him, she should inquire about him through her marbi. The commuciation must be halal and have good intentions. We need to just get our youth married early and in a halal ways with halal means. Thanks for the article sister Magen. Please share your article with more people, so they can benefit from it. May Allah(swt) reward you for your efforts and hard work you did on the article. Samoans

  11. muslim says:

    i hope i can get married while still in school and broke. The kind of woman that can take me broke is the one I want. Khadijah was willing to marry a broke man – and look what she got, i think it worked out for her!

    • muslim says:

      and i too hope i can follow the footsteps of muhammad pbuh as best i can by allah’s mercy.

    • sabirah says:

      nice try. u need to refine that a bit more though, but very nice try indeed…

      • muslim says:

        how should i refine it? haha -it was a good try wasn’t it? See I’m smart, funny, pray 5 times a day, in my past i committed sins and i repented, virgin, american born muslim, active in the msa, wnat to be the best slave of Allah and i think marriage will help me, seeking knowledge, and …. broke and in college. any takers? or wali contact information?

        but honestly getting married while broke is OK, there’s a diff. between broke and starving and broke and rich. In college, i’m broke not starving… and what if i fear doing haram? I mean sometimes i feel like a ticking time bomb – one glance is haram. We need to change the mindset not only of sisters being engaged in the process but also those who understand the prophets economic state of the vast majority of his life pbuh.

        your right though;

        024.032
        And marry the unmarried among you and the righteous among your male slaves and female slaves. If they should be poor, Allah will enrich them from His bounty, and Allah is all-Encompassing and Knowing.
        024.033
        But let them who find not [the means for] marriage abstain [from sexual relations] until Allah enriches them from His bounty….

        let’s say i have enough money to eat, then i think being poor shouldnt stop women from marrying a guy.

        • muslim says:

          i’d like to highlight the diff. between the poor and broke i refered to earlier

          “If they should be poor, Allah will enrich them from His bounty, and Allah is all-Encompassing and Knowing.”

          difference between being poor and no means:
          “But let them who find not [the means for] marriage abstain [from sexual relations] until Allah enriches them from His bounty”

          comments appreciated for a sinful fearful servant looking to please allah and stay away from haram.

          • muslim says:

            im 21, entering senior year, and im not like w/o means cuz im the top of the class alhamdulillah in my major at college (science degree- in a really strong industry right now)- and applying to medical school… really focused on islam and knowledge and dawa and family and everything good

            would i make a good car sales man too sabirah?

        • sabirah says:

          i think i’m too old for you. But I make du’a for you inshaAllah :), you deserve a woman with a good sense of humour.
          Maybe you could apply for a job at BP with ur positive attitude… aim high, lol

          • sabirah says:

            oh… i just came across this sahi bukhari hadith

            Narrated Abu Huraira: I said, “O Allah’s Apostle! I am a young man and I am afraid that I may commit illegal sexual intercourse and I cannot afford to marry.” He kept silent, and then repeated my question once again, but he kept silent. I said the same (for the third time) and he remained silent. Then repeated my question (for the fourth time), and only then the Prophet said, “O Abu Huraira! The pen has dried after writing what you are going to confront. So (it does not matter whether you) get yourself castrated or not.”

            *locks away the kitchen scissors*

          • muslim says:

            wow jazakum allahu khairun for the hadith, i make dua for you too and all the muslims everywhere and the single muslims that they all get married to excellent spouses tommrow!- Oh Allah I ask you to make it happen surely you are able too. Wouldn’t that be awesome all in one day? I need to read more. I can wait it out for infinity if thats what it takes inshAllah.

          • muslim says:

            i make dua for me too, and for you and for everyone. :) i dont mind waiting. i can do this iA. I’ll aim as high as my eyes can envision and my mind imagine and then some (al-firdous reference), by allahs grace we all get there. maybe we can laugh about this up there if Allah grants us our wish.

            your not too old, i mean if 15 years worked out for the best, are you less than 36? (21+15), i dont care about a lot details right now…

          • muslim says:

            may allah protect us.

  12. haiz says:

    Assalamu ‘alaikum,

    we males also dont know how to approach for marriage. haizzzz

    • sabirah says:

      how would they know with that kind of “extreme gender segregating” ? Most brothers don’t even know how to address a sister, without either offending her or passing out due to nervousness.
      I’m suspicious of those who don’t, I’m not the only one approached by brothers that are legally married in their home country and just gradually came out with it during the negotiation process.

  13. Ilm says:

    Great Article! JazakAllahu Khair

  14. igothitched says:

    Alhumdulillah i got approached by my wife’s younger brother. He is a good friend of mine and he was man enough to approach me even while i was broke, in debt, jobless, and still in university.

    So there are families who don’t mind approaching brothers. great article. Too many sisters still waiting around without being proactively seeking brothers through the proper halal channels.

    • muslim says:

      subhanallah… i know like the internet is an anomymous place which helps this convo go faster, but can you like take me through your mind a little bit when that was going on and fill in some details, like share what your comfortable with and stuff but do ellorate, maybe i can learn from you iA. How bout after it went down, what then? hows life? advise me… how when why everything ! haha

  15. Awil Jama says:

    sallam. I am in the same predicament as you screen name user Muslim. I am entering my senior year at a four year university, studying Social Work. I think we just don’t have good networking for Muslim Youth who want to get married. Many of them are prepared and ready to enter into marriage with a respectful sister, they just don’t know where to look, to frankly honest. Many brothers in my community are ready for marriage but no sister around that they are interested in marrying. So we have to figure out a halal way out networking to find suitable “Soul Mates”. Brothers and Sisters just have to lower their expectations for marriage and just be real about marriage. We are losing a lot of Muslims brothers and sisters because we are not making marriage affordable and doable nowadays. That is just my honest opinion. Lets leave all of the racism, prejudice and tribalism alone and try to preserve marriage in North America for the Muslim Youth now and future generation of Muslim Youth.

    • muslim says:

      its called the MSA for a reason, the matrimonal services association. Don’t get involved just for marriiage, but if you want muslim sisters to marry – you can start here by asking around and then go through the wali – dont be fishy. This is the halal network for everything halal on campus. I think you and I if we are serious know a few sisters we could at least approach. The trouble is we are broke (not starving, just broke) so… do we really want to start this search right now? or should we wait like 3 or 4 or 5 more years? Can we wait that long w/o having a nervous breakdown and going crazy!!! haha. I’ve been close… i think i waiver between insanity and mild insanity but i think i can hold out inshAllah.

      • muslim says:

        and also the sisters i know aren’t that religious. I know, beggars can’t be choosers, but.. the way i look at it is it is worth the wait to find the diamond i the rough. So i guess i’ll wait until i see a humble and religous one, the several who i know dont have a charcter that i really like, if they did- then i ll find the wali and go for it even if that day comes tommorow.

        • muslim says:

          yea so your right i guess… i just went in a circle. i said msa, then said the sisters that i met in a halal sphere doing halal things i know arent that religious. so… we do need a network for young people. but really it exists already, its just that young women and most other young people arent that religious, like we all have flaws, inlcuding me. uhm… maybe i am too picky! oh god… sometimes its good to be picky if you can wait it out and be a champ. My uncertainty stems from the fact that I am stressing on this, its tough, im scared to leave my house sometimes cuz of the fitna and filth outside. Let me put it this way if a woman/girl, has good manners, is caring, and wants to be the best worshipper of Allah, and wants what Allah wants in marriage, who also is optimistic and not cynical and isnt depressed 24/7, then I’m in. i’ll sacrifice a lot in the looks department, just not someone who is so skinny they are going to die.

          You and me and the rest of everyone whose 21, we can be champs, we can wait, we can win in the end if Allah chooses us to join us in the compnay of righteous people in the afterlife in al-firdous. but its going to take patience!

          • Sayf says:

            lol I know exactly how you feel bro (I’m also single), but take a breather. Getting married definitely helps, but it’s not the magical pill solution that brothers our age lead themselves to believe.

            Take advantage of this time that Allah has given you and use it as a learning experience to grow more independent, sort out internal issues, and to create positive habits – you really won’t ever get this time period of your life again once marriage hits.

            Then all the benefits you gain from a life as a bachelor, you can take with you into marriage as a prerequisite for even more growth. Continue to do a lot of reading/listening as you are now and learn from other people’s experiences who have been through what you’re preparing for.

            I’m not advising you to delay getting married, insh’Allah it’s sooner than you think, but you gotta take advantage of the time you have.

            http://muslimbestlife.com/blog/?p=140

          • muslim says:

            I absolutely agree with you Sayf, I do recognize that I have less responsibilities and I need to take advantage of them, but honestly the sin factory that is my nafs needs to be subdued with iman and taqwa- And the teachings of my religion strongly encourages marriage and the avoidance of indencency and I am scared for my life and would love to expediate the process in hopes of getting reward from Allah and staving off any disobedience towards him.

      • Asiya says:

        There’s something a shaykh said on this topic of wanting to marry someone better than you or, in your terms, a “diamond.” He basically said something along the lines of for those who want to find someone better than themselves, then know that those who are better than you want someone better than themselves, too.

        I also heard, “Would you marry you?” Think about this. If a person would not want to marry someone like himself then he shouldn’t reasonably expect his wife to be like that either, or vice versa.

        May Allah ‘azzawajal make it easy for brothers and sisters who are looking to get married. Ameen.

      • MrsAladdin says:

        Are you married now? It’s been 6 years.
        @ Muslim

  16. I wonder what would be the one best advice for brothers along the same lines ..

  17. Awil Jama says:

    Sallam. Thanks Sayf for the link it’s very beneficial site you link at the end of your message. Yes, the main things is patience and not rushing into something we might not be ready for yet. Everything has it’s time and place. Allah(swt) knows best and we don’t know, so we just have to ask Allah(swt) for guidance and patience for us to battle our trials and tribulations he is testing us with. I most definitely agree with you Sayf, we need to learn from other people’s mistakes so we don’t make the same one. I like your comment Muslim, “woman/girl, has good manners, is caring, and wants to be the best worshipper of Allah, and wants what Allah wants in marriage, who also is optimistic and not cynical and isnt depressed 24/7, then I’m in. i’ll sacrifice a lot in the looks department, just not someone who is so skinny they are going to die”. Me and you think alike and have the same taste in women. You must be somali or something.

    • muslim says:

      Haha not somali, afghani – but i guess there analogous in a lot of ways. Great minds think alike. You and me we can be patient, we can be patient. I looking forward to ramadan big time

  18. Siraaj says:

    While it’s true that sisters are generally sought, I’d advise that if they find someone good, they should make their interest known. Don’t waste your time wondering and waiting, just do it, and if it doesn’t work out, then move on fast instead of wondering and dreaming.

    Believe me, it can work, and work well :D

    Siraaj

  19. Awil Jama says:

    Sallam. Good Advise Siraaj. Well said. Just as long as it’s done in a halal proper it’s all good. What is your thoughts on the new matrimonial website half your deen.com ?(Siraaj)

    • Siraaj says:

      It’s actually halfourdeen.com, I haven’t used it before, but it looks pretty cool, I have a video of Baba Ali explaining it a bit at Ilm Summit, will post it in a bit, insha’Allah.

      Siraaj

  20. Divorced_Muslim says:

    Salamalaikum. Nice article. Jazakallah Khair. The brothers who commented about wanting to get married and having it not too easy………have you thought about how tough it is for divorced people? Subhanallah, singles, never-married-before are having issues; the divorced can just pack it up.

  21. Questioner says:

    as-salaam-u-alaikum

    I would like to know what must a sister do if she likes a particular brother (but hasn’t told anyone yet) but her parents are very much old fashioned (i.e. women-are-not-allowed-to-propose type). Do you have any suggestions for her as to what she might do (she claims that she continually asks duas and has done her istikhara but still doesn’t seem to know what to do).
    Also, her parents limit their islam to the pillars of Islam (arkan al-islam) only. They don’t bother doing anything beyond that, so I personally don’t think this article will make any difference to them.

    Please do make duas for her that she finds a good husband (who is strong in his Islam and good in his etiquettes and manners and will help her towards success of both this world and the Hereafter- as asked by the sister) and that her family agrees to her marriage to such a man (for they seem to be searching for a arkan-al-islam-only-man.
    Jazak Allah khair and may Allah help us to be patient and thankful to Him in all circumstances. Ameen!

  22. MSA says:

    Very cool article. New Perspective too.

  23. Tahira says:

    I think this article should be directed to muslim parents who insist that their daughters play “the waiting game.” The girls who are not tall, slim, fair, highly educated, cute, etc, will be waiting around forever. Good muslim girls are raised not to challenge their parents’ expectations.

    Trust me, I am none of the above and I’ve been waiting around until I was 39. When I finally had the nerve to tell my parents that it was their Islamic duty to do something proactive, their response was that I was too old.

    So that’s the Islamic culture for you.

  24. […] Diri Untuk Dinikahi” at page 90 in Solusi Magazine Issue No. 51. Another one is “Because Khadijah asked an Alternative Path to Meeting Mr Right“. So, check it […]

  25. […] Khadijah. Who was this amazing, strong, beautiful, brilliant, pious, and noble woman? I don't mean who was she in the Seerah text, but who was she? What was it like to be her friend, what events shaped her life.  […]

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