The Secret Life of Husbands (Sex & the Muslim Ummah)
As we continue discussing issues related to Muslims and problems related to sexual perversity, I felt that this article from Islamonline by itself deserves a post… it’s an excellent read. We would like to hear from you if you know of people that may be caught up in similar situations (no names of course) and what they did about it? Also, if you yourself are a “recovered” or “recovering” addict, share your experiences and what helped you get over it. Again, if you are sharing personal experiences, remain anonymous.
One suggestion to protect yourself, triggered by Br. Dawud’s comment, will take you to this post.
The Secret Lives of Muslim Husbands By Abdul Lateef Abdullah
Writer, Counselor - Malaysia
As an IslamOnline.net cyber counselor, I am confronted on a regular basis with the growing phenomenon of pornography in the lives of Muslim husbands. Though it may come as a shock to many, according to concerned wives, pornography is becoming an increasing phenomenon for some Muslim men. It raises many questions, beginning with the most basic one: What is pornography an outlet for, specifically? Why are so many men turning to the “lesser adultery” or the adultery of the eyes despite their knowing - and not seeming to care - that both Allah and their wives are aware of their pastime? How can we better understand a Muslim adult male’s desire to indulge in viewing pornographic material despite its illicit nature?
This article aims to explore some of these questions. Although no scientific data is available to make any formal claims about the topic at hand, I will attempt to provide some possible key underlying factors that contribute to the use of pornography by some Muslim husbands. To begin, I will frame my approach to understanding this issue in the context of the marital relationship.
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“Upon marrying, the husband ‘demanded’ sex from his young wife five times a day. It became so difficult for the young woman - emotionally as well as physically - that she lodged a formal complaint with the Department of Religious Affairs.”
Several points can be made about this quotation:
Firstly, the wife should not reject her husband’s bed- and such does not merit legitimate grounds for divorce.
Secondly, it’s interesting how the author tries to pin the blame on the man- when asking for intimate relations from his wife is his prerogative.
Thirdly, there is no such thing as ‘marital rape’. That does not make any sense in letter of Islam though a husband should take care of his wife’s sentiments.
If this man resorted to pornography, would it be his fault though he tried to satisfy desires in the proper way?
So, all in all, the reason that married men may recourse to pornography is because perhaps their wives are not being cooperative.
P.S. This comment was “butchered”/edited by me to prevent its disappearance to the la-la-land. You should thank me WM -Amad
As salaam aleikum!
I have a hindu friend who is very open about the fact that he was addicted to pornography.
I think there should be spin-off of the Islamonline article, because it made a strong point: Out of Meaninglessness Comes Pornography.
If you have people who are idle these things will happen, if there lives are boring and regular–they will try new things, which are haraam.
One really good coping strategy to enslave the nafs is to spend the entire night in prayer. Although the sunnah is to sleep and then get up for salaah, but for the weak nafs–stay up all night works. Not settling for any less, but the whole night.
I usually don’t care that much about moronic comments made by people on the internet but Mr. Misanthrope’s really takes the cake. I think it can safely be assumed you’re not married and if you are I suggest you go get some sexual counseling or something.
“Thirdly, there is no such thing as ‘marital rape”
That is such complete and utter BS. Do you suddenly own your wife once you marry her?She has to submit to a man’s ridiculous demands such as sex five time’s a day on a daily basis which is causing such extreme emotional and physical distress that she actually has to go call a hotline, just because she’s married and its the guys marital right?! What if he likes all that whips and chains stuff but she thinks its degrading and disgusting. Does he have a “right” to demand/force his wife to do that also? If you want that kind of relationship go get yourself a concubine AKA a sex slave
“If this man resorted to pornography, would it be his fault though he tried to satisfy desires in the proper way. So, all in all, the reason that married men may recourse to pornography is because perhaps their wives are not being cooperative?”
Yes it would be his fault. Its called self control. Some men should try applying it every once in a while. And aren’t muslim men allowed to have 4 wives at a time, wives for travel, wives for school, wives for sex and whatever other type of temporary marriage arrangement exists in the world today?
And what do you do if you’re not married? You obviously shouldn’t be having sex according to Islam. I guess that leaves porn as being the only viable option and you obviously can’t blame yourself for a lack of selfcontrol. God forbid you should take responsibility for your own actions. So does that mean its your future wife’s fault that you have to look at porn? It clearly must be because you weren’t getting sex
Open communication between husband and wife from day one (or should I say first night together) is needed. Unfortunately many women feel uncomfortable talking to their husband about their needs (sexual and otherwise) because sex in many cultures has always been a very hush hush subject to discuss so when it comes time for marriage, the woman, more often than the man it seems, are a bit lost because all of a sudden this is right in the open, somethingit never was before. If she is unsure or hestitant to his desires, that doesn’t give the husband the right to turn to porn. He ALSO needs to make an effort to be open and communicate his needs to his wife, otherwise both parties involved are straining their own relationship. This goes back to your last post about education and how it is so much needed, espeically to young married couples.
P.S. WM, sex 5 times a day sounds like marital rape to me! THIS is why we need education!
Sorry to double post/comment but I was thinking of a church in my community that has become very well known where I live because of the addictions counseling it does for people addicted to porn, gambling, alcohol, drugs, etc. Kind of like AA, or PornA, or whatever its called but with a religious foundation open to all members of the community, not just people from the church. Are there any mosques or muslim organizations that have programs like this in particular for porn or other addiction issues in the States or Canada?
If a muslim man is not satisfied with one wife, he should marry more, not doing so, and resorting to haraam would be sin on his part.
al ‘ilmu qabla qauli wal ‘amal
There was a discussion on marital rape here http://seekingilm.com/archives/61
It’s amazing how we always jump to the conclusion that it is marital rape, blah blah blah. Marriage is a relationship that makes the husband and spouse garments for one another. This isn’t a bunch of words without any meaning.
“That is such complete and utter BS. Do you suddenly own your wife once you marry her?”
Umm Layth- that article is poor. It doesn’t bring any evidences, except those which state that a wife must go to her husband’s bed when he asks her to. If she does not, she is neglecting an obligatory duty.
What on earth is ‘marital rape’ anyway? As far as I know there is no such term in ‘Shari’ah’, however I do know that if a husband having intercourse with his wife when it could cause her emotional or physical distress, then he shouldn’t do it. But, what if this is ‘not’ the case? In that case if a wife refuses the husband then isn’t that ‘wrong’?
I agree with WM that it is the husband’s prerogative, but, so is it of a wife. If a wife is in need and husband refuses without a valid excuse, then he’s also guilty of a sin.
But, seriously what’s up with this mildly ‘feminazi’ agenda, where the man is always wrong? I admit that a husband may be addicted to porn for various reasons. But, one of the reasons could be that the ‘wife’ is not fullfilling his needs.
[quote]If you have people who are idle these things will happen, if there lives are boring and regular–they will try new things, which are haraam.
[/quote]
I definitely agree with this. When one has nothing to do, they are prone to a lot of waswas.
Honestly, if you want to stop watching porn, just think of all the STDs they have, because they do have em. Watch some videos about those disgusting diseases, and you’ll probably never want to watch that nasty crap again.
Nuqtah: there is no “feminazi” agenda here (a term you borrowed from our right-wing haters). We are talking about a problem that is very real. And you cannot blame that on women, because we are talking about HUSBANDS, who are usually men (in the “normal” world). I don’t know of many cases of women being addicted to porn (I am sure exceptions exist) even though they have desires similar to that of men.
So, since it’s a man’s problem (mostly) and this man’s problem is causing a problem in the household with his wife (excepting her to behave like the porn actresses / satisfying oneself with porn instead o her), then we can blame the man for it. In fact, we are not really blaming anyone. We are trying to figure out what causes this and how to stop it.
MR: Its tough to get STDs watching porn
I know you didn’t mean it that way, but really, if people are not thinking about their wives, children and above all their Lord, do you think they’ll be thinking about how bad these porn stars are, or what diseases they have?
One must remember that women are shy by nature so it is natural that they refrain from talking about this subject even with their husbands especially in the early period of marriage. Sometimes they have certain needs/sexual desires and they feel shy to inform their husbands about it. And perhaps that is why they become disinterested in the sexual life causing dissatisfaction to the husbands.
That’s why I believe that husbands should take the initiative and talk/ask their wives about this.
Amad bhai, yes muslimmatters has no femanazi agenda (femanazi coined by Colbert), but there are femanazis who do post here or other forums. And unfortunately many are muslim women.
Look at the levels of societal sexualisation and levels of public nudity or decency in clothing.
Here in the west this is affected by what people regard as normal.
As the media numbs our morality level, the norms of acceptability change.
A good example would be Bollywood. In the late eighties sexual content was alluded to. There were no kisses in Bollywood. Slowly this began to change as the public became numb to the new standard which the daily Indian media fed them. So today the Bollywood films are just like their western counterparts and perhaps they intend to surpass that.
Take a look at Henry Makow’s website. He always writes about this stuff:
http://www.savethemales.ca/000165.html
Have a look for his article that explains why watching porn can lead to homosexuality.
So to continue: If the media numbs us to normal sexual decency and behaviour and the level is raised for people to look for something else that turns them on. They look for something more exciting. This can lead to sexual deviancy even by western standards (refer to APA definitions).
I think the men as opposed to the sisters are watching porn becuase men are aroused through visual stimuli whereas women tend to be more touch orientated (sorry about the level of detail but I think it’s important to understand).
This is a problem common to all men now not just Muslim men. The christians have clinics to counsel people off porn. It is an Information Age problem or should I say epidemic.
I’m not a Psychiatrist but I do study Psychology and it can help to use some methods to stop brothers doing this.
One NLP technique would be to anchor porn with homosexuality. This can either be done in counselling or it can be addressed in any lectures done on Islamic sexual etiquette.
We need to resolve this problem on a wider scale. To understand the scale of the problem just google ‘porn addiction’:
http://www.manontheroad.org/pornography_addiction.htm
I don’t believe that wives are at fault here. Brothers who are doing this need to make taubah and replace this ‘enjoyment’ with halal stuff. Sometimes we look for answers far away but the Qur’an is only on the shelf next to you:
“The inhabitants of the city came rejoicing (at the news of the young men’s arrival). Lut said: “Verily! These are my guests, so shame me not. And fear Allah and disgrace me not.” They (people of the city) said: “Did we not forbid you to entertain (or protect) any of the Alamin (people, foreigners strangers etc) from us?” Lut said: “These (the girls of the nation) are my daughters to marry lawfully) if you must act so.” (Surah 15:51-77)
So the people of Lut wanted to satisfy their desires in an unlawful matter. Allah gave them an alternative halal way. Women.
The brothers who are watching porn have to leave that. Make taubah. Go to your wives, talk to them. Build up relationship. Spend more time with them. Fulfil their rights and needs and yours will be fulfilled.
Also there is a distinct lack of spirituality (WOW and this is coming from a zahiri Salafi) which leads to sin. Whilst I abhor Sufism (ittihad, hulool, whirling, whadatulwujood) I must witness that we need a great amount of tazkiyyah and must take the path of sulook that out forefathers were upon. If your salah is not taking you away from this sin then there’s something massively wrong there.
Actually- I was wrong. A good brother told be that a husband’s hyperactive libido was a perfectly valid reason for a wife to have recourse to a judge.
Sorry.
Asalaamu alaikum.
Just for the record, Colbert didn’t coin the word “feminazi.” I’m not sure what ultra right-wing depths it sprang from, but Colbert only used it in parody.
I would also argue that it’s not a real word, but is only used in a derogatory sense.
I’d also like to add the point that rape is an act of violence, not a sexual act.
How does rape translate to shar’i language:
Zina bil Jabr (outside marriage that is)
What about inside marriage?
Feminazi is no different from Islamofascist… its all got to do with hearkening back to the Nazi imagery in order to drive fear and hatred in the hearts of people. We should drop these terms for our own good and to be fair-minded (if we don’t like one, then don’t propogate the other).
Br. Abu Muhammad: great comments! You are right that this is not just a Muslim issue. As doobiedoo mentioned, there are Christian organizations that help deal with this. As Muslims though, this is a bigger taboo… most others can get away with saying they watch porn because the same standards of haya and fahshaa don’t apply to others. So, with the bigger taboo comes more secrecy… and thus less opportunities for addicts to seek recourse or help for fear of embarrassment and/or exposing one’s sins.
I also agree with your last comment. I pushed and pushed for the Texas Dawah conference a couple of years ago to be on purification of soul. However, it was deemed not to have enough topics for a full conference, which is probably correct. But otherwise too, we don’t have enough of spirituality discussions among the “non-sufis” (as much as I don’t like using labels). AlMaghrib is apparently starting a course on it and its need has not been lost on the new wave of students of knowledge. So, I hope to see more of it.
Which brings me back to my last question… how much do of a need do we have to run sessions at a major conference, such as TDC, to have a sex-ed talk for adults? Some have suggested not “opening the door” and that there is sufficient information on the net already… but is that enough or even equivalent? This is not a theoretical question, but rather the organizers are looking for feedback. So, fire away with your thoughts!
Islamfacists is related to islam, feminazis is related to feminists, ok I would not use term feminazis, I think feminists itself is bad enough.
My favorite sheikh once said beautiful thing. When a person divulge into haram, Allah does not let him/her enjoy halaal. He told story of a brother who complained to him that he can not marry because he does not find a single attractive muslim woman. Sheikh asked him abruptly, do you watch porn? The guy was shocked, and said yes. Sheikh said, how would you then taste the sweetness of halaal.
I see no fault on sister part if men are committing sins. If they are not satisfied with one, they should not make excuse and watch porn, they should marry more. Unless feminists have problem with that.
Men who watch porn would not be satisfied with two, three or more women.
I have to go to diaylis now.
When I come back I’ll tell you about the extent of the rot in England. It will blow your mind. Maybe you should make some dhikr now so that when the shock comes your imaan is high.
Umar Lee might want to add it as an addendum to his many chapters.
“Umar Lee might want to add it as an addendum to his many chapters.”
Didn’t quite get that…
Salaams, Br. Amad. I would say the TDC definitely should offer lectures on sexuality if people are suggesting the internet is a viable alternative! Bleccch!
“I’d also like to add the point that rape is an act of violence, not a sexual act.”
(courtesy of dictionary.com):
Rape:
“1. the unlawful compelling of a woman through physical force or duress to have sexual intercourse.
2. any act of sexual intercourse that is forced upon a person.”
Therefore, violence isn’t a necessary part of rape. Plus, the Islamic and ‘Western’ definitions of ‘rape are not the same.
Rape in the ‘Western’ sense is sex without consent of one of the parties- irregardless of who those ‘parties’ may be.
Rape in the Shar’i sense doesn’t cover a husband’s ‘rape’ of his wife. Of course, it’s not advisable for a husband to have sex with his wife without her consent- but whether it’s morally wrong is a different question.
Remember, in this part of the world, emphasis is placed on the ‘individual’, and therefore upon her [the wife’s] consent.
Of course, words like mine are going to elicit whatever emotional responses.
Interesting how in a post called “The Secret Life of Husbands,” which explains the mistakes of some Muslim men (because watching porn is a mistake and a sin, no two ways about that), anyone who says something even remotely ‘against’ these men, is branded with some kind of name ex. ‘feminazi.’
I think this is an excellent topic for large conferences and I know of Muslims who would be very interested in attending such a lecture, both men and women. I don’t know where this site operates from, but please send some up to the Islamic conferences we have in Canada!
InshaAllah the question of marital rape should be answered by a scholar and not deduce your own judgments on the matter.
I would hope something on a large scale like TDC could be done…we can’t even have the brothers stay for a lecture on haydh (menses) for an hour, I wonder how one on sex-ed would go…
(obviously men don’t have haydh but they need to be familiar with these topics because their wives, daughters, sisters go through it. Imam Ahmad studied feminine hygiene for 9 years…one hour wouldn’t hurt anyone)
It’s not ‘my own judgement’. I’m not as careless in speaking about ‘marital rape’, as you are in accusing others of making up their own opinions about it.
@Amad
I was going to open the topic up a little more.
To be frank, there were/are problems with a lot of the Salafi du’at and brothers and sisters which are related to this topic yet probably worse in the level of sin.
(And I only mentioned Salafi because that’s my background, it could have been any group with any number of problems.)
And I’m sure similar incidents have occured in a community near you (wherever that may be).
The reason I’m only making allusions is that I’m in two minds about this. The hikmah of bringing these issues out in the open or not?
I suppose this is probably the best place to talk about, where we can do so without ending up in flame wars etc.
If we can continue the conversation without labels, that would be preferred. It is definitely not a “salafi” problem (even though you mentioned the disclaimer) like it isn’t just a Muslim problem. -MM
Once again politically correct ‘muslims’ jump the gun. My ‘feminazi’ reference had nothing to do with the original post. Do read it in the context, if you will. It was made for one sole reason that while husband and wife may problems in their ’sex life’; it is wrong to assume, as is done for most of the time, that it is only husband’s fault.
“it is wrong to assume, as is done for most of the time, that it is only husband’s fault.”
That’s odd - the times I’ve read about this subject, it’s usually by men blaming the women for not being compliant and dismissing her reasons as being pathetic excuses.
Br. Hasan, That’s such a ridiculuous one step solution…marry more than one wife. The problem that you can’t seem to understand is that a Muslim man is watching porn! His aqeedah, eeman, and taqwa are messed up. How on earth is he going to properly handle that situation? How is he going to deal justly and equally with two women when he can’t behave himself?
sincethestorm, that quite ridiculuous jump to conclude that the person “aqeedah” is messed up. His emaan may be.., and if he had better emaan, that person would refrain from porn and take halaal means of marrying. Watching porn is due to lack of emaan, and people with emaan, would take the halal means (marrying more).
sincethestorm, would I be right to understand your position that if a single man (never married before) who watches porn, should not marry at all, because he cant behave himself?
Amad, can you email me?
WM: I have emailed you before and emailed you again yesterday. For some reason you never seem to get my email. Check your spam emails.
Br. Hasan the problem is not the second marriage. These brothers are not watching porns because they are not satisfied with their wives, rather, it is because they fall into this wrong as a result they start feeling unsatisfied with their wives.
It is, initially, their own weakness of not being able to stay away from these easily accessible porn sites/magazines
I don’t think the solution is 2/3/4 wives, even if they do take more wives, this problem will remain in them until they fight the root problem.
Why don’t they work on their spirituality first, take proper steps of staying away from these sites by minimizing their time on the computer etc. And if they still feel the urge for more wives, then by all means take more wives.
But to say that the ’solution’ of this problem is plural marriage, is utterly wrong and just an ‘easy’ way out (although it is not the way out). It is patching the tear not fixing it, and the patch will fall out if the tear continues to grow…
Re:
1. Watching porn is due to a lack of emaan, and people with emaan, would take the halal means (marrying more).
–> We’re not discussing a person with eeman. We know that they would not be watching porn. Or, they would woe their wife, fast, pray, lower their gaze, woe their wife some more, take cold showers for goodness sake but not resort to porn!
2. would I be right to understand your position that if a single man (never married before) who watches porn, should not marry at all, because he cant behave himself?
–> Thats a ridiculuous jump to conclusion. You offered plural marriage as a solution. I said that a person who has messed up eeman shouldn’t marry again because he can’t control himself and respect his first wife…how on earth could he treat and respect the next one correctly and keep things equal.
–>Lets suppose you have sister. I doubt you would be eager to accept a proposal from this guy. I don’t think you would tell the married brother go get another wife. Your advice would start with the basics….aqeedah. Fear of Allah, attributes of Allah, day of judgement.
Brothers should teach their wives how to please them and vice versa.
sincethestorm,
1. Sorry, I can not see the difference between single man watching porn and married man with one wife watching porn. Both lack emaan, both have desires, both need advice, both need to fast if they can not afford to marry (more in one case), and if both repent sincerely, and want this thing not to occur again, they need halal means as replacement. For a single guy to marry first time, and for married man to marry second so he does not fall back in sin due to urge.
2. I do not see how aqeedah is involved in this whole thing though..
Hassan, I don’t think you understand the article very well…
What about married men with four wives watching porn? Should he divorce one to get a 5th, like musical chairs?
Obviously this logic is somewhat flawed. esp. when it comes to matters of addiction.
Porn doesn’t necessarily reflect a person’s libido… many times it is an addiction that has no connection to reality. So, even the folks who are not bound by Islamic morality in this matter, i.e. those who can satisfy themselves with multiple women, may STILL be addicted to porn. How do you solve this one?
The first, second or more marriages may help but ONLY for a short period of time. Once each wife ‘gets old’, the person will resort back to porn for his visual need for ‘new’ stuff.
I can understand that if a person feels that he has more desire than is satisfied by one wife, he should seek halal means. But, the addiction to porn is an altogether different issue that most likely will NEVER be solved by marrying a hundred times.
As for aqeedah, etc… the sister means that if a person understands Allah’s Attributes, like His Seeing and Hearing, then he will be less likely to engage in this act. So, yes, this may not be an “Aqeedah issue” per say, but rather an issue related to the weakness of applying what one knows from Aqeedah.
So, going back to the topic, I am still hoping that we can provide more answers/ experiences for folks dealing with this addiction (besides plural marriages!).
I don’t see how the marital rape discussion is conducive to the seriousness of this issue.
I had another solution I wanted to share.
And it repeats that same point I highlighted earlier: Out of Meaninglessness Comes Pornography.
Let’s take these troubled brothers and attach them to Islamic efforts, either online or elsewhere. There are many Islamic websites that are run by volunteers (this is one, I believe) where they perform a number of tasks–from designing webspace to posting Dawah on forums. We can take these brothers and hook them up with people like Yusuf Estes and get them Islamically active. If they have issues with the computer (i.e. unable to resist the urge while on the computer) then we could get them hooked with other Islamic efforts going on (soup kitchens, street dawah, Tableeghi Jamaat etc). This will have to be regular and intense at times because if you get them to be idle–they will resort to porn. If you can’t hook up with some bigtime shaykh than perhaps build a support group or another group of like-minded brothers to get dawah going on.
Muhammad AlShareef mentions in his CD lecture, “When Wolves becomes Shepherds” that when some action is committed–a new pathway is made in the brain. Based on that theory, if we can strengthen an Islamic pathway (i.e. Dawah)–it will weaken or make on forget the pornographic pathway.
Amad bhai, I am willing to give you 1000$ if you find me a muslim man with 4 wives who watches porn.
So basically you are saying addiction to porn has nothing to do with person’s desires?
The person’s application of aqeedah may be weak, but that does not mean anytime a man or woman sin, we say his aqeedah is corrupt.
Hassan, let’s move on… Besides the fact that addiction and desires can actually be unrelated, this is not a practical solution for MOST people. Husbands can hardly keep up with one wife, let alone look for others. And the BIGGEST problem with this methodology is that it gives husbands an excuse to keep watching porn until they get their second wives… “Honey, can’t control my testosterone, so until you find me the second one, I’ll just have to keep watching porn”. This problem needs to be solved EXCLUSIVE of polygamy. So, again, let’s move on to the real world we live in.
Dawud, again good suggestions. But, it does seem that activism (as in the questions asked in the article linked) does not solve the problem. Sometimes, in fact, the strongest callers to Islam are spiritually lacking themselves, and by engaging in “helping others”, they forget themselves.
I totally agree that tabligh is a good place to start for those who are very low on emaan. It does good for a lot of people in early stages of knowledge and spirituality.
The excuse can be used by single non-married person, to keep watching porn, saying oh I am not married and can not control testosterone.
By no means, I am justifying anyone watching porn. It is haram, period. And it is man’s fault, period. It is lack of his emaan period.
But let me ask you, if a young single man comes to you weeping, saying he is been sinning and has repented and need your help. Would not marriage be among one of the things you would suggest him? Or your solution would be “exclusive of marriage”.
Dr. Hassan,
There are 3 people who disagree that a plural marriage is not the solution. You do not ruin another person’s life because you can’t control yourself. You are the only one who keeps advocating that miraculuously another wife will come into the picture and the guy will all the sudden behave from now on. Its ridiculuous period.
A person needs to realize that he is doing something wrong. He repents and stops. No one is saying or going to hold a person who repents accountable for his action for the rest of his life. You are not understanding the problem and the solution you’re offering is only going to create more problems for more people. Br Amad gets it.
As someone who is experiencing this fitnah, i can authoritatively tell you that most of your comments that discuss the reasons for why people like me fell into this sin are way off mark.
Reading stuff like “be open and more communicative” and the BS from MujahideenRyder, is infuriating. You don’t realise the self-loathing, and hatred a brother has for himself in his day to day life when he remembers what he does when no one is watching but Allah. And if only it was as simple as you guys suggest…
Inshallah, i will post something in more detail later but for the time being just be glad that Allah protected you from this fitnah.
None of the solutions can be deemed to work “all on their own”–it’s only a combination of solutions that will have an effect, Insha Allah.
Activism will keep them busy throughout the day. Qiyaam throughout the night. One thing that should be mentioned regarding qiyaam is that–it is one of the quintessential elements that raises a person from being ‘just another Muslim’ to one who has ‘Imaan’ and Insha Allah ‘Ihsaan’. The state of Muslim should be such that his inner spiritual life, is better than his known religious life.
Just as certain haraam actions are ‘addictive’ in nature–qiyaam is the halaal action having an ‘addictive’ quality to it (to quote Yasir Qadhi). If you do it properly, slowly and deeply enough–you are HOOKED!
There are other things one can do to remind oneself of Allah–such as learning one of the most ignored Islamic books, “Hisnul Muslim” and memorizing, understanding the beauty of those duaas. It is difficult to do something sinful, when you have Allah always on your tongue and mind.
So in summary:
1) Activism
2) Qiyaam
3) Hisnul Muslim
Everything so far has been a ‘theoritical’ discussion as to solving this problem. How can muslimmatters and the Muslim bloggers now go ahead and put some of this into action? Discussion is great—but we should find out how to get a solution out there and working. Otherwise, this is all fruitless.
I think that the best person/ people to comment on this subject are those who have been involved in such a situation themselves (directly or indirectly, if it’s someone they know) - is there anyone reading this who fits that category?
We’d truly appreciate some “experienced” insight into this so that we can move on from theoretical discussion and instead look at very practical solutions which have been tried and tested.
Actually, Br. Dawud, this is EXACTLY NOT theoretical. Rather, this is practical. You and others are providing practical steps to the “silent victims or aggressors” in this issues. Discussion in itself is the first step towards solution, and since these are matters of the soul, it has to come from within…
See qwerty’s comment above… it got delayed to being somehow marked as spam…
I look forward to hearing more from Qwerty.
On the subject of marital rape, I had read an article a while ago by a scholar (can’t remember where or who - am desperately trying to find it, though) who analyzed the issue by looking at it through Shari’ah rules and guidelines regarding marital rights/ spousal rights/ intimacy issues and concluded that when a woman has a valid excuse for not going to her husband, then he can’t force it on her when it’s going to cause any kind of harm (emotion/ psychological/ physical trauma) because it violates her rights as a Muslim to be safe from the harm of another Muslim, and as a wife because her right is to be protected and kept safe by her husband (amongst other things).
If anyone else can remember reading this article, or something similar, could you please post a link here?
Also, I think it’d be awesome if someone can fire off a question about this to Islam Q&A or IslamOnline…
sincethestorm, I hope you accidently said Dr. then Br. and you were no way sarcastic.
I remember something from some old Pakistani comedy. The teacher asks students who was the son of Humyun (mugul King), and some students start shouting, Babar, and some starts shouting Akbar. Then the teacher said, ok how many say Babar was son of Humayun, 3 students raised hands, and then the teachers asked, and how many say Akbar, 2 raised hands. The teacher then said, hence by democracy Babar was son of Humayun…
Ofcourse Br. Amad “gets it”, because he agrees with you. He and you have not answered my questions logically, which is single man watching porn being addicted to it vs married man watching porn being addicted to it. Both need intervention, both need to repent, both needs to seek halal means not to go back to it. A married man who has repented, and sincere, should marry second if he feels that his desires would lead him back to haram again.
Also related to marital rape:
http://ummreem.wordpress.com/2007/03/09/woman-an-object-of-mans-pleasure/#more-27
(BTW, apologies for going slightly off-topic…)
Now, to go back on-topic:
Hassan, I think that to know exactly how to deal with the situation, and whether marriage (whether for the first time, or getting a second wife) is a good solution to it, we need to find out what leads these men into porn addiction in the first place - and from comments above (as well as other stuff I’ve read on the subject), I don’t think it’s just due to a lack of fulfilling their physical desires; in fact there may be some other, deeper psychological reasons for it and thus the solution to dealing with it will be more than just marriage.
OK, regarding the issue of rape - rape by definition is the act of physically forcing someone to submit to a sexual act. It’s an act of violence. Period.
Do we Muslims believe that Islam forbids a man to be violent to his wife, or is that something we only say during dawah activities?
How can we talk about the beautiful rights Islam grants to women, and how they’re superior to rights given to women under western secular law, and yet imagine even for a minute that a Muslim husband has the right to commit any violent act against his wife? The guidelines for a husband to deal with a disobedient wife are outlined very clearly in the Quran - but we assure non-Muslims that those guidelines in no way condone a husband to injure his wife. Do we truly believe that Islam does not condone marital violence or is that only something we say to defend ourselves against charges of opression against women?
At the risk of being labeled a “proggie” and kicked off the MuslimMatters board, I assert that it’s not a question for scholars, or a question at all, whether a Muslim man can rape his wife. Period. I have no more to say on the subject.
Sr. Ruth, there is no risk to your position, because we are all equal teamsters, with our independent and sometimes different or controversial opinions!
If rape is always in the context of violence, which I understood it to be as well, then you are right that there is no issue here to discuss.
The confusion may be between what is consensual and what is non-consensual… i.e. what if the wife continues to insist on non-relations. There is a difference between being violently forced to do something or to be “forced” in the sense that the wife did not want it. I think that is a valid question.
I do believe though that when it comes to this, then there is a bigger problem in the marriage than just intimacy and perhaps that needs to be resolved first. A healthy marriage that is clear in its objectives would recognize both parties’ desire for intimacy, and should not resort to “punishment through denial” on either side and subsequent “forceful relations” (non-violent) from the husband’s side. Wallahualam.
Initially I was agreeing with Hassan about the issue of another wife, but now I’ve sided with Amad and Sincethestorms logic about taking another wife. I consider there to be a difference in men who long at porn occaisonally and men who are bonafide addicts. People who are addicted might have started off looking at it because they weren’t getting enough sex, but generally by the time they are actually addicted they are doing it for completely different reasons than “not getting enough” If a person is addicted marrying another woman is not going to solve the problem. He could be getting all the sex in the world and would still be thinking about and looking at porn. And instead of keeping his problems between him and his wife he is throwing them onto another woman. A porn addict should be thinking about getting help/counseling for both himself and his current marriage, not throwing his problems and addictions onto someone else
Here’s a solution for marital rape. If the woman refuses, the man should just marry another wife. And if there is a problem with marital rape with 2 wives, the man should just go ahead and marry the 3rd. I can bet you 1000$ that no one with 4 wives is having a problem with marital rape [Reference: The Hassan Theories v.1].
P.S. Hassan yaar, just kidding… that’s what we FOBs like to do.
Doobiedoo… on spot.
Amad bhai, although you are comparing apples and oranges (they are two different issues, porn addiction and marital rape), but yeah I would doubt you can find someone with 4 wives all complaining. But I did not speak about marital rape anyway.
I am not sure if people are mis-understanding me or what, can someone tell me if I said anything like this “a married man addicted with porn is innocent and marrying second wife would make him magically stop from watching porn”?
My point was after repentance, the person married or single needs to find halal means for not going back to porn (non-addictively, addiction starts later), and which is to get married. Why marriage would be helpful to a single man, while not helpful to married man from falling into haraam? If porn addiction is in question, why is it in question for married man only, why not single man as well?
When did I say that a man needs to keep getting married till he gets off porn? getting off porn addiction and repentance is first, then protecting from falling into again. And marrying more would be part of protection.
hassan - here is the answer:
read the article from islamonline - one of the reasons for people looking at porn is escapism so that is completely unrelated to the fulfilling of desires with wives. They might have 4 wives, but the ‘escape from reality’ aspect is still fulfilled by looking at porn. its really 2 different issues.
regarding marital rape - then i heard an EXCELLENT explanation of this issue in a brief manner from yahya ibrahim (sorry i cant remember which lecture as it was a couple of years ago), but the hadith: A woman is disobedient if her husband calls her to bed and she refuses and the angels curse her til the morning is proof that marital rape is not allowed.
how?
because the hadith shows she refused (without a valid reason i might add), but the hadith says the husband went to bed upset - i.e. he cannot force himself on his wife, even if he has a ‘valid’ case.
ibnabeeomar: Excellent indeed! Yahya is a genius!
P.S. Hasan, it was a JOKE… muzaaq… thattha. Indeed it was comparing apples and kaylas.
ibnabeeomar, ok so it means watching porn has nothing to do with man’s sexual desire, just escapism? Escapism from what reality?
Secondly, you guys have to promise then, if some single man complains about addicted to porn, asking him to get married to avoid falling into fitnah again, would not be one of the things you recommend.
http://www.islam-qa.com/index.php?ref=7669&ln=eng
Read point 4.
And
http://www.islam-qa.com/index.php?ref=42165&ln=eng
“The Muslim has to seek chastity by means of marriage, and try his best to achieve that. “
ok you win Hassan. Can we move on now? It is not an option ANYWAY for the majority of people (though I am still hopeful
) so I’d like to move on to more practical steps.
Let’s see what Qwerty has to say…
It was a typo..nothing more intended. Not renting it, downloading it, seeking refuge from Allah when the thought occurs, spending time with your wife who probably was aware of it, reading Quran, doing extra ibadah, surrounding yourself with a good company of people, and staying busy with work or school are all ways. Giving someone advice already married and living in this country to marry more is not practical for MANY people.
Just so I understand, you’re suggesting that a man who overcame his weakness, repented and stopped watching porn should look for another wife as a form of protection. Let’s say the wife or his parents don’t consent to your suggestion? Who is searching for the 2nd wife? You’re pushing someone into something like talking to many women maybe situations of khalwa when you already know he has a weakness.
Advicing a single man with no income i.e. a student to get married is also bad advice. A single man with a job will already be working on getting married. He’s not going to be waiting around to hear that from anyone.
Ok, this would be my last comment. It is not an option because we want to appease feminists muslim women.
On related subject, remember you, Zahid, Ramzy were at my place for dinner. And issue of second marriage came up, and everyones mouth watered.. and it was agreed (as I remember) that men want variety in wives.. I think I have said too much
Indeed you have said too much. To protect myself from the wrath of the spouse, I must clarify that my mouth was “watering” because of the yummy food… that is the OFFICIAL story… and I am sticking to it
Until our next dinner meeting…
Man you’ll go to any length to prove you’re not wrong. From watery mouth stories to the throwing out feminist muslim women conspiracy theories. Finally, you have given us your last comment!
sincethestorm, you are picking up on last comment, because you did not have any logic to counter what I said before.
I write because I believe I am right, but I could be wrong, and I believe you are wrong, but you could be right. I do not ask others to stop from posting if they do not agree with me. If it was meant that way, the author would have said, please write only if you agree with us.
Wassalam, I would not post any comment further, you may continue making fun of me..
Bismillah.
In his essay entitled ‘Ideology and Ideological State Apparatuses [ISA’s]’, Althusser made some points on the mechanics of socialisation within a social formation that we, as Muslims living in a non-Muslim society, can benefit from. Some good information can also be gleaned from the Manifesto.
Marxism is a useful tool to Muslims living in the West in that it enables them to cut through the crap of socialisation. Instead of perceiving the ‘dominant’ set of moral and ethical values, certain political institutions or ‘rights’ given to the individual (etc) as absolute, as desiderata or something to be emulated, he can see these values/institutions for what they are. That is, not only can he grasp what Althusser might call their ‘historical’ nature, but he can see that they are hollow, that they find their origins in a certain chain of historical circumstances etc.
Once a set of moral values (etc) is shown to be hollow in its implied claim to ‘absoluteness’ or ‘innateness’, its existence as an objective moral value is destroyed.
The ‘age of consent’ in Western Europe is a good example of socialisation at work.
Why is the line between childhood and adulthood drawn so arbitrarily (and so humanly) in ‘Western’ societies? What is ‘paedophilia’? In the English legal sense, a good example would be a man (i.e. and adult) and a girl of age less than 16 engaging in sexual congress. In English eyes, this is a criminal act, irregardless of the nature of the relationship between the two parties (e.g. are they married?). In Islam, however, it is by no means at all that way. Even if we were to mention that both parties were consented, in terms of English law, that would be irrelevant, as the 15 (etc) year-old girl is unable to consent in the proper sense, as she is below the age at which that society deems it permissible for a person to consent to sex. Furthermore, there is a great deal of stigma attached to the fact that, as in this example, she slept with a man of (for example) forty years of age. Europeans consider it a great taboo, a profane deed, even though a cursory knowledge of history would be enough to refute the claim to ‘absoluteness’ in this morality.
Continuing with our example, can anyone tell me why many ignorant Muslims, in the case of Muhammad (sal Allahu alayhi wa sallam), are so severely disillusioned when they read that he (sal Allahu alayhi wa sallam) consummated his marriage with A`isha when she was nine years old?
The reason is that, from their birth, by the action of the ISA’s of Althusser (e.g. the family ISA, the educational ISA etc), they have been conditioned to think in a certain way; taught to think that the aforementioned constitutes an unmentionable crime, a cardinal sin etc. Eagleton writes that the role of ‘ideology’ is (ultimately) to make wage-labourers subordinate to the owners of the means of production, either by making them think that such is the ‘natural’ state of affairs, or by making them not consider the question of hierarchy at all. Now, we can take this formula, throw out ‘wage-labour’ and ‘means of production’, and exchange them for notions such as ‘morality’.
So, given the example of A`isha (R.A.A), why do ignorant Muslims object? Furthermore, how can they even countenance doing so when generations of kuffar did even raise an eyebrow?
Ibn Khaldun said that the ‘weak’ emulate the ’strong’. That is another dimension of the answer. The Muslims are politically, militarily, economically and technologically backward, in comparison to some non-Muslim polities. Ignorant Muslims will look at the moralities and political cultures and so on of these this-worldly successful states, and conclude that (for example) values such as tolerance of religious dissent, freedom from so-called ‘cruel and unusual’ punishments and other such values explain the wordly successes of the non-Muslims. They see Islam as signifying a set of values inimical to, for example, liberal democracy- in a word, they see Islam as the reason for the problems of the ummah. When people reach this judgement, which, in reality, is no more than the logical conclusion of a feeling of inferiority vis-a-vis the non-Muslims, they leave their religion.
I have read tens, and possibly hundreds of ‘apostasy stories’ from invariably ignorant ex-Muslims, and I wasn’t surprised to find that perhaps 95% of them left their religion for the following reason: Islamic and ‘Western’ values disagree with each other profoundly. Beliefs such as absolute ‘freedom of speech’, liberal democracy and legal equality between all simply cannot be reconciled with Islam. These are just a few examples.
‘Legal equality between all’ is quite a nebulous concept, so I’m going to qualify my statement. Under Islamic law, the dhimmi is not equal to the Muslim, just as they can never be equal spiritually. If the Muslim were to sin his entire life, and the kafir were to live a decent life even by our standards, his deeds would be all in vain. Tawhid would be enough to redeem the most sinful Muslim, and good deeds can never redeem a kafir, except perhaps by lightening his punishment in the Hereafter.
Many times, we engage in messages that reeks of ‘apologetics’- which are the province of the weak-minded, the uncritical, the followers of (un- or anti-Islamic) received ‘wisdoms’. What does she even mean by ’superior’? Surely the fact that God sent them down is sufficient.
‘Western’ secular law, without doubt, gives women (and individuals generally) ‘rights’ which Islam denies them. They do not have ‘freedom of movement’, in the sense that they must ask their husband’s permission before travelling. They do not have the ‘right’ to leave the house uncovered, or to drink, or to fornicate. Islam does not give women the ‘right’ to deny their husbands sex, without valid reasons. ‘Valid’ reasons are limited to issues such as health problems, or periods and the like.
Sr Ruth goes so far as to tell us that scholars have no right to comment on the issue. Rather than remaining open-minded, or considering that there is a possibility that her opponent may be right, she denies outright any other answer- not because the Qur’an is explicit on the issue (which it is not, rather, it is something present in the sunnah and the larger corpus of Islamic scholarship)- but because some unthinking parent told her, and because an unthinking society told her, and an unthinking educational system told her…that xyz is simply wrong.
So strong is this instinct in her (though it is far from innate, as we have discussed) that her immediate reaction is visceral, unconsidered and dangerously-worded. To think that she got something right, not only in exclusion to, but in opposition to, the ummah- without even caring what that ummah (i.e. its scholars) thinks, is ridiculous.
Muslim Matters should be, above all things, a ‘forum’ (not in the literal sense) for the critical discussion of ideas and ideologies and governments etc. Mouse made an excellent point with her article on adolescence (although she may not have realised exactly how excellent
).
When it comes to issues that require knowledge of fiqh, the learned of this site (and not outsiders) should speak, and everyone should shut up and stop their clamour from drowning out the wisdom of our scholars.
Before i begin, let me say that in this story of my own descent into sin, i blame no one but myself. I will deliberately be vague in some of what i say so that no one finds out who i am. And oh yes, some of you know who i am. But you don’t really know who i am.
I am a brother between 25 and 30 with my own family who i love very much and I’ve been practising for many years.
I fell into the fitnah when i was in my teens. I don’t want to go into the details, but soon after i was introduced to pornography, i was hooked on it. What fanned the flames of desire was access to the internet. When i was new to the sin, i would never have dared to buy a dirty mag from the local store out of a sense of shame and embarrassment. But the internet made everything accessible to me, and i could see what i wanted and when i wanted, all in the privacy of my own home.
Another problem was that my family resisted when i suggested that i marry in my early 20s. Thus, the absence of a halal outlet for this desire is another factor that has brought me to where i am now.
Have you heard the story of Barseesah? Imam Anwar al-Awlaqi mentions it in one of his CD sets. He was a famous worshipper from Bani Israeel, who was led astray step by step by Shaitaan until his last action was to leave the religion. In some ways, my own story over the past 10 years mirrors that. My addiction began as something small, but step by step over 10 years, it has transformed into something which is at times uncontrollable.
The first time i used a credit card on a porn site was after several years of being addicted to porn. It was like i’d crossed a threshold, stepped over an important line. And unfortunately, having crossed that line, i haven’t looked back and have used the card numerous times since. And that is how it is with this sin. You promise yourself for a long time that you won’t cross a certain line, but then you do, and it becomes easy to repeat that sin again. But having crossed that line only once advances you to the next level of sinfulness. So you’re first mistake is looking at a woman lustfully. Then its looking at free porn sites, then its looking at pay porn sites, and so on.
My advice to those who are in the early steps of this sin is to never give into the temptation to “go to the next level.” If you admire pretty girls, thats bad, but not as bad as searching for porn on the web. Its a slippery slope that ends with you in a place where a Muslim shouldn’t be.
So why haven’t i sought help? Dear reader, what haven’t i tried to give up this addiction? Reciting Qur’an, going to talks, activism, du’a, all of that and more. I’ve prayed those prayers in the middle of the night when i thought to myself, “man, i wish i could pray with that much khushoo’ in every salaah” and i made salaam and thought i’d never return to that sin, but then a week, or two weeks later, i was back at it.
But let this next event sum it up for you: me standing in Mecca asking Allah to help me stop committing this sin, asking Allah to kind of like flick off a switch and just bring it to a stop, because i am mentally fatigued by the daily battle inside me between my shameful desires and my Muslim conscience, and i just want it to stop but its proving too difficult right now.
Knowing that i am a practising Muslim, knowing that there is a day in which i will have to stand in front of Allah and take the rap for these sins, and not having a single plausible excuse come to my mind which i can bring on that day is a horrible feeling.
It feels sickening trying to make tawba for this sin, because while asking Allah to forgive me, i felt within myself (and from knowledge of past relapses) that I haven’t really given it up and would fall into it again. That is difficult to come to terms with. Really difficult.
And also the guilt that comes from leading a double-life and betraying one’s spouse.
This is not how i wanted to be. I’ve seen my early zeal to learn and practise, and potential to be a productive member of this ummah fade over the years as i spent my time - hours and hours in front of the computer getting up to no good.
Some say its due to a lack of imaan, and I agree that it is, but its more complex then that. During these years in which i have sinned I have also memorised 10 juz of the Qur’an: that didn’t come easily, nor without determination, and i would bet that is more than most people who are reading this.
I don’t know if that makes me a “better” porn addict than the next porn addict. But i’m certainly with those who are unhappy and want out as opposed to those who just don’t give a damn.
As to solutions, i don’t know. I personally think that it is nigh-on impossible to give it up here in the West once you’re addicted because sex and pretty women are all around you, on the TV, in the streets, at work - everywhere. Sisters, your husbands go to work and there are pretty women all around. Don’t let it be the case too often that he comes homes to find you wearing some lame tracksuit bottoms and a T-shirt - or worse your pyjamas.
What about taking another wife? I wouldn’t dismiss that as quickly as some do. What pornography offers is variety: black, white, fat, thin, tall, short, all sorts. Perhaps having a second wife might satisfy a brother’s need for variety. Perhaps not - i can’t say for sure.
What else works? Its a day to day struggle. One day its an ayah, another day its a hadith. Another day its a talk. Another day its because you met a good brother. Sometimes the boost in imaan from these things keeps you off the sin for a month, other times, only a few days.
The most helpful solution overall i found was going cold turkey with the internet: cutting it off completely. It severely restricted my access to pornography, and though the addiction didn’t cut off completely, it was definitely a practical step in the right direction.
Thats all i have to say for now. I hope you will respond maturely to my post , and if you can make a quiet du’a for Allah to switch off my addiction just as quickly as the light goes off when you flick the switch i would be most grateful
May Allah remove your addiction and forgive you… For now Br. Qwerty, this may help, at least for hope:
Constant Sins & Repentence: Pearls from the Sunnah (#1)
Anonymity is a blessing.
Qwerty, I feel your pain. In fact, I do more than that, since I have the right to empathise- as someone who has the same problems, only far worse. I am the same as you, bar a few incidental details.
You see, your problems aren’t compunded by a lack of regret- as mine are. It’s not so much a case of knowing what I am doing is wrong, as of my resistance to that sin being completely destroyed.
What is shame? Is it shame that we commit the deed, or shame that we are caught, or that we ‘know’ it to be a sin, deep down?
Is the fact that I’m not guilty of zina a testament to my piety, or merely the result of circumstance? Is it that I fear Allah, or that I’m shy around women?
I have trodden the same damnable path, step by step, that you have traversed; the likenesses between my and your journey are remarkable.
Only, you have memorised from your Lord’s book, you have remained (relatively) steadfast- for you, coping is merely a daily struggle. You should thank God that you have not resigned yourself to defeat, and Hellfire, as have I. You’re married- I have no such prospects, not within the forseeable future.
You think you have prayed hard? Then reflect on those who have abandoned prayer.
You think that you have struggled? Then what of those who have no refuge, except in misanthropy?
You think you lead a double life? Then praise God you’re not one of those who not only leads one, but has had such thoughts as would shatter the will of most, and as have certainly destroyed the will of me. Thoughts so unspeakable that, he daren’t speak them here- in a word, do not think there is a terrible thing except that I have thought it.
An addiction to pronography? A mere trifle. A superficial problem to be resolved with support and love and repentance. Nothing like my problems- and don’t imagine I say that to belittle yours.
Ruth and Mouse, and the numerous others who I’ve trodden on the toes of:
Why do I write this? Because I am as sick of myself as you are of me. I can’t control myself. I’m arrogant, prurient, mean-spirited, misanthropic…please, please don’t take seriously anything insulting I tell you. Please forgive me, since I am cursed enough without your curses. Please, try and tolerate me if that is possible- be better than me. I know I’ve hurt so many people here, but please forgive me.
There is one thing that i forgot to say right at the end and that was to mention the one thing that keeps the struggle within me alive:
“Say: “O my Servants who have transgressed against their souls! Despair not of the Mercy of Allah: for Allah forgives all sins” [39:53]
I do despair of His mercy.
salam Br. Qwerty:
I was really touched by your story. SubhanAllah, to be honest you sound like a true HUMAN believer… someone who keeps falling in sin, yet keeps doing the good deeds to balance the evil, and hoping in Allah’s Mercy. Really, knowing my own sins, I wish I had your resilience in many ways. May Allah permanently erase your addiction and forgive you and forgive us for all our sins.
You mentioned:
As I read this, a light bulb popped… you may know that there is an activity logger software. We have installed this for our little kids. See this.
One thing a person in a similar position as yours may want to do, to “force” the issue on himself (kind of like what you mentioned) i.e. install this software… with cooperation from the wife, and have her set the password. This way, everything is logged and if the person is hiding this from the wife and doesn’t want to mess up that relationship, then it will provide a big deterrent if the wife can track the internet activity. This program actually works quite well and tracks everything, incl. taking snapshots (I recommend this for parents as well— its free to try).
Another thing someone mentioned is to have the computer in a “open area”. Like my uncle has all the computers set up in the living room, in clear view of anyone passing. Still, if the wife’s gone, the Shaytan will play… so the logging software may watch.
What do you think? Others?
WM, may Allah grant you strength, patience, and the best of cures for whatever plagues you… may He forgive us all, ameen.
Salaam Alaikum
Some points:
1) Regarding Qwerty’s situation, it reminded me of a fatwa I read from a great modern alim - someone whom I know personally very well and greatly admire. He was asked about a similar situation (person addicted to porn and masturbation). His response - I only wish I could find the original Arabic - almost moved me to tears. He started off with the basic advice of informing him that this was a sin and he should desist from it, and continually repent to Allah. So far it was standard. But then he continued on. He said that this sin, despite its evil nature, is not a major sin in and of itself (for example like actual zina), and as long as one repented and felt guilty it would not come under the rule ‘a habitual minor sin becomes a major sin’. Then he said - and this was the most beautiful point - ‘And make sure that Shaytan does not use this sin to prevent you from being of benefit to the Ummah in other ways, for this would be a greater victory for Shaytan than the actual sin you are committing’. Meaning that the sin is a problem, but then sitting down in your house, despairing, and becoming totally useless to the Ummah is an even greater problem! So feel guilty for your sin, but use that guilt to make sure you generate more good deeds in order to make it up. Which leads me to my second point.
2) Qwerty, and those in your boat, make sure you have more than the ‘average’ good deeds to show. Pray some extra nafls regularly, read Quran (and memorize, as you were doing), do dhikr… when in sajdah prolong it for that short extra time, realizing you need those blessings. During wudhu, perfect it and realize that for every drop of water that falls down a sin is removed. Saying isighfar, and especially the ’sayyid al-istighfar’ regularly, meaning what you say.
And indeed it is possible, if you do all this and more, that you will rise higher *because* of your sin, since it led you to higher heights. Again this is not a justification of the sin, but rather a ray of hope for the sinner that not all is lost. No human is sinless, and what you are doing is a (minor) sin, hence use it to be a better Muslim, and make du’aa to al-Rahman that He forgives you, and to al-Sitteer that He covers up and conceals it from otheres.
3) MW, your last comment - I swear by Allah - made my heart tremble and hair stand on end. Do you realize what you have just said? By Allah this one statement of yours is worse than any sin you could have done, so repent for it. Do you think that you, and you alone, can be so sinful that Allah’s mercy cannot encompass you? That you have so much ‘power’ to commit sins that the infinite mercy of Allah is powerless when faced with it?!
Understand the implications of what you say and repent for this one statement, before you repent from the lesser sins that you say you have done. For indeed a hadeeth tells us that ‘The greatest of all major sins is shirk with Allah, and despairing of the mercy of Allah, and losing hope of the help of Allah.’ See how the Rasool (saw) equated giving up hope in Allah and His Mercy with shirk.
Indeed, Allah forgives all sins….for He is al-Ghafoor, al-Ghafaar, al-Raheem, al-Rahman, al-Tawwaab, al-Haleem, and al-Afuw. He is forgiving and loves to forgive.
O Allah, forgive us all for our shortcomings, and conceal our faults from others, and cover us up with your mercy, Ameen!
Yasir
To Qwerty and WM, I think it has reached the level of HARAM for you guys to have private access to the internet. Break your computers if you have to, move to another country, do something. Just like the hadith of the man who killed 100 people, he was told to move to a different land, and the Angels of Mercy took his soul because he was closer to that land.
If a someone wants to quit smoking, will they keep a pack of cigarettes in their pocket?
Here’s my advice, get rid of the internet. If you need to check your e-mail or something go to a public library. Sure it will be tough, but not nearly as tough as the anger of Allah on the Day Of Judgement.
May Allah guide us all.
Allah knows best.
“Do you think that you, and you alone, can be so sinful that Allah’s mercy cannot encompass you? That you have so much ‘power’ to commit sins that the infinite mercy of Allah is powerless when faced with it?!”
This moved me to tears. The entire post by shaykh Yasir Qadhi was so beautiful subhanAllah. May Allah subhanahu wa ta’ala make it easy for all of us
Shaikh Yasir
Your post reminded me of the “Oh Allah! Forgive me lecture” 
Subhan Allah my bros, I think a lot of us Muslims youth are in these situations. I don’t want to uncover my sins…I want the sitar of AlSitteer…but one of the things that really helps me control my sins is the following:
Ya ayyuhal ladhina amanu tooboo illalallahi tawbatan nasooha
O you people who believe (us!!!), repent to Allah with a sincere/true repentance (tawbatan nasooha).
What is a sincere repentance?
1. Ikhlaas - gotta have sincerity. Repenting to Allah for the sake of Allah, not because we are caught in the act.
2. Admit the sin - don’t ignore, trivialize or at worst, justify the sin. Admitting there is a problem is the first step to solving it.
3. Feeling guilty - “Feeling guilty IS tawbah” AlMustafa, salAllaho alaihi wa sallam.
4. Immediate tawbah - just like Adam (AS). This is very hard because many-a-times, after committing the sin, we feel so guilty and disgusted with ourselves that we feel ashamed to do tawbah = exactly what shaitaan wants - to delay us and our tawbah. Therefore, the solution is to do tawbah immediately.
5. Increase in the good deeds - hasanat wipes away sins.
6. Intend to stop the sin - make a true, sincere intention and strong resolve to never return to the sin.
If you do slip back, start over from step 1 until this step is actualized. Doesn’t matter how many times the slip happens…1000, 10000, a million, a billion times. Just keep going back to step 1 if you do fall in the sin.
If this seems like an infinite loop, then its a plot of shaitaan to make you think this way. Only Allah’s Mercy is infinite
Subhan Allah, this is the BIGGEST step for me right now. Every time I think of committing a dreaded sin that has haunted me for years, I ask myself: “So what happened to your tawbatan nasooha? Didn’t you promise Allah that you’re not going to go back to the sin?” An