Sorry to double post/comment but I was thinking of a church in my community that has become very well known where I live because of the addictions counseling it does for people addicted to porn, gambling, alcohol, drugs, etc. Kind of like AA, or PornA, or whatever its called but with a religious foundation open to all members of the community, not just people from the church. Are there any mosques or muslim organizations that have programs like this in particular for porn or other addiction issues in the States or Canada?

al ‘ilmu qabla qauli wal ‘amal

There was a discussion on marital rape here http://seekingilm.com/archives/61

It’s amazing how we always jump to the conclusion that it is marital rape, blah blah blah. Marriage is a relationship that makes the husband and spouse garments for one another. This isn’t a bunch of words without any meaning.

What on earth is ‘marital rape’ anyway? As far as I know there is no such term in ‘Shari’ah’, however I do know that if a husband having intercourse with his wife when it could cause her emotional or physical distress, then he shouldn’t do it. But, what if this is ‘not’ the case? In that case if a wife refuses the husband then isn’t that ‘wrong’?

I agree with WM that it is the husband’s prerogative, but, so is it of a wife. If a wife is in need and husband refuses without a valid excuse, then he’s also guilty of a sin.

But, seriously what’s up with this mildly ‘feminazi’ agenda, where the man is always wrong? I admit that a husband may be addicted to porn for various reasons. But, one of the reasons could be that the ‘wife’ is not fullfilling his needs.

[quote]If you have people who are idle these things will happen, if there lives are boring and regular–they will try new things, which are haraam.
[/quote]

I definitely agree with this. When one has nothing to do, they are prone to a lot of waswas.

Amad bhai, yes muslimmatters has no femanazi agenda (femanazi coined by Colbert), but there are femanazis who do post here or other forums. And unfortunately many are muslim women.

Actually- I was wrong. A good brother told be that a husband’s hyperactive libido was a perfectly valid reason for a wife to have recourse to a judge.

Sorry.

I’d also like to add the point that rape is an act of violence, not a sexual act.

Men who watch porn would not be satisfied with two, three or more women.

I have to go to diaylis now.

When I come back I’ll tell you about the extent of the rot in England. It will blow your mind. Maybe you should make some dhikr now so that when the shock comes your imaan is high.

Umar Lee might want to add it as an addendum to his many chapters.

Salaams, Br. Amad. I would say the TDC definitely should offer lectures on sexuality if people are suggesting the internet is a viable alternative! Bleccch!

Interesting how in a post called “The Secret Life of Husbands,” which explains the mistakes of some Muslim men (because watching porn is a mistake and a sin, no two ways about that), anyone who says something even remotely ‘against’ these men, is branded with some kind of name ex. ‘feminazi.’

I think this is an excellent topic for large conferences and I know of Muslims who would be very interested in attending such a lecture, both men and women. I don’t know where this site operates from, but please send some up to the Islamic conferences we have in Canada!

It’s not ‘my own judgement’. I’m not as careless in speaking about ‘marital rape’, as you are in accusing others of making up their own opinions about it.

Once again politically correct ‘muslims’ jump the gun. My ‘feminazi’ reference had nothing to do with the original post. Do read it in the context, if you will. It was made for one sole reason that while husband and wife may problems in their ‘sex life’; it is wrong to assume, as is done for most of the time, that it is only husband’s fault.

Br. Hasan, That’s such a ridiculuous one step solution…marry more than one wife. The problem that you can’t seem to understand is that a Muslim man is watching porn! His aqeedah, eeman, and taqwa are messed up. How on earth is he going to properly handle that situation? How is he going to deal justly and equally with two women when he can’t behave himself?

sincethestorm, would I be right to understand your position that if a single man (never married before) who watches porn, should not marry at all, because he cant behave himself?

Br. Hasan the problem is not the second marriage. These brothers are not watching porns because they are not satisfied with their wives, rather, it is because they fall into this wrong as a result they start feeling unsatisfied with their wives.
It is, initially, their own weakness of not being able to stay away from these easily accessible porn sites/magazines

I don’t think the solution is 2/3/4 wives, even if they do take more wives, this problem will remain in them until they fight the root problem.

Why don’t they work on their spirituality first, take proper steps of staying away from these sites by minimizing their time on the computer etc. And if they still feel the urge for more wives, then by all means take more wives.

But to say that the ‘solution’ of this problem is plural marriage, is utterly wrong and just an ‘easy’ way out (although it is not the way out). It is patching the tear not fixing it, and the patch will fall out if the tear continues to grow…

Brothers should teach their wives how to please them and vice versa.

Man you’ll go to any length to prove you’re not wrong. From watery mouth stories to the throwing out feminist muslim women conspiracy theories. Finally, you have given us your last comment!

Bismillah.

In his essay entitled ‘Ideology and Ideological State Apparatuses [ISA's]‘, Althusser made some points on the mechanics of socialisation within a social formation that we, as Muslims living in a non-Muslim society, can benefit from. Some good information can also be gleaned from the Manifesto.

Marxism is a useful tool to Muslims living in the West in that it enables them to cut through the crap of socialisation. Instead of perceiving the ‘dominant’ set of moral and ethical values, certain political institutions or ‘rights’ given to the individual (etc) as absolute, as desiderata or something to be emulated, he can see these values/institutions for what they are. That is, not only can he grasp what Althusser might call their ‘historical’ nature, but he can see that they are hollow, that they find their origins in a certain chain of historical circumstances etc.

Once a set of moral values (etc) is shown to be hollow in its implied claim to ‘absoluteness’ or ‘innateness’, its existence as an objective moral value is destroyed.

The ‘age of consent’ in Western Europe is a good example of socialisation at work.

Why is the line between childhood and adulthood drawn so arbitrarily (and so humanly) in ‘Western’ societies? What is ‘paedophilia’? In the English legal sense, a good example would be a man (i.e. and adult) and a girl of age less than 16 engaging in sexual congress. In English eyes, this is a criminal act, irregardless of the nature of the relationship between the two parties (e.g. are they married?). In Islam, however, it is by no means at all that way. Even if we were to mention that both parties were consented, in terms of English law, that would be irrelevant, as the 15 (etc) year-old girl is unable to consent in the proper sense, as she is below the age at which that society deems it permissible for a person to consent to sex. Furthermore, there is a great deal of stigma attached to the fact that, as in this example, she slept with a man of (for example) forty years of age. Europeans consider it a great taboo, a profane deed, even though a cursory knowledge of history would be enough to refute the claim to ‘absoluteness’ in this morality.

Continuing with our example, can anyone tell me why many ignorant Muslims, in the case of Muhammad (sal Allahu alayhi wa sallam), are so severely disillusioned when they read that he (sal Allahu alayhi wa sallam) consummated his marriage with A`isha when she was nine years old?

The reason is that, from their birth, by the action of the ISA’s of Althusser (e.g. the family ISA, the educational ISA etc), they have been conditioned to think in a certain way; taught to think that the aforementioned constitutes an unmentionable crime, a cardinal sin etc. Eagleton writes that the role of ‘ideology’ is (ultimately) to make wage-labourers subordinate to the owners of the means of production, either by making them think that such is the ‘natural’ state of affairs, or by making them not consider the question of hierarchy at all. Now, we can take this formula, throw out ‘wage-labour’ and ‘means of production’, and exchange them for notions such as ‘morality’.

So, given the example of A`isha (R.A.A), why do ignorant Muslims object? Furthermore, how can they even countenance doing so when generations of kuffar did even raise an eyebrow?

Ibn Khaldun said that the ‘weak’ emulate the ‘strong’. That is another dimension of the answer. The Muslims are politically, militarily, economically and technologically backward, in comparison to some non-Muslim polities. Ignorant Muslims will look at the moralities and political cultures and so on of these this-worldly successful states, and conclude that (for example) values such as tolerance of religious dissent, freedom from so-called ‘cruel and unusual’ punishments and other such values explain the wordly successes of the non-Muslims. They see Islam as signifying a set of values inimical to, for example, liberal democracy- in a word, they see Islam as the reason for the problems of the ummah. When people reach this judgement, which, in reality, is no more than the logical conclusion of a feeling of inferiority vis-a-vis the non-Muslims, they leave their religion.

I have read tens, and possibly hundreds of ‘apostasy stories’ from invariably ignorant ex-Muslims, and I wasn’t surprised to find that perhaps 95% of them left their religion for the following reason: Islamic and ‘Western’ values disagree with each other profoundly. Beliefs such as absolute ‘freedom of speech’, liberal democracy and legal equality between all simply cannot be reconciled with Islam. These are just a few examples.

‘Legal equality between all’ is quite a nebulous concept, so I’m going to qualify my statement. Under Islamic law, the dhimmi is not equal to the Muslim, just as they can never be equal spiritually. If the Muslim were to sin his entire life, and the kafir were to live a decent life even by our standards, his deeds would be all in vain. Tawhid would be enough to redeem the most sinful Muslim, and good deeds can never redeem a kafir, except perhaps by lightening his punishment in the Hereafter.

Many times, we engage in messages that reeks of ‘apologetics’- which are the province of the weak-minded, the uncritical, the followers of (un- or anti-Islamic) received ‘wisdoms’. What does she even mean by ‘superior’? Surely the fact that God sent them down is sufficient.

‘Western’ secular law, without doubt, gives women (and individuals generally) ‘rights’ which Islam denies them. They do not have ‘freedom of movement’, in the sense that they must ask their husband’s permission before travelling. They do not have the ‘right’ to leave the house uncovered, or to drink, or to fornicate. Islam does not give women the ‘right’ to deny their husbands sex, without valid reasons. ‘Valid’ reasons are limited to issues such as health problems, or periods and the like.

Sr Ruth goes so far as to tell us that scholars have no right to comment on the issue. Rather than remaining open-minded, or considering that there is a possibility that her opponent may be right, she denies outright any other answer- not because the Qur’an is explicit on the issue (which it is not, rather, it is something present in the sunnah and the larger corpus of Islamic scholarship)- but because some unthinking parent told her, and because an unthinking society told her, and an unthinking educational system told her…that xyz is simply wrong.

So strong is this instinct in her (though it is far from innate, as we have discussed) that her immediate reaction is visceral, unconsidered and dangerously-worded. To think that she got something right, not only in exclusion to, but in opposition to, the ummah- without even caring what that ummah (i.e. its scholars) thinks, is ridiculous.

Muslim Matters should be, above all things, a ‘forum’ (not in the literal sense) for the critical discussion of ideas and ideologies and governments etc. Mouse made an excellent point with her article on adolescence (although she may not have realised exactly how excellent :) ).

When it comes to issues that require knowledge of fiqh, the learned of this site (and not outsiders) should speak, and everyone should shut up and stop their clamour from drowning out the wisdom of our scholars.

Ruth and Mouse, and the numerous others who I’ve trodden on the toes of:

Why do I write this? Because I am as sick of myself as you are of me. I can’t control myself. I’m arrogant, prurient, mean-spirited, misanthropic…please, please don’t take seriously anything insulting I tell you. Please forgive me, since I am cursed enough without your curses. Please, try and tolerate me if that is possible- be better than me. I know I’ve hurt so many people here, but please forgive me.

I do despair of His mercy.

WM, may Allah grant you strength, patience, and the best of cures for whatever plagues you… may He forgive us all, ameen.

To Qwerty and WM, I think it has reached the level of HARAM for you guys to have private access to the internet. Break your computers if you have to, move to another country, do something. Just like the hadith of the man who killed 100 people, he was told to move to a different land, and the Angels of Mercy took his soul because he was closer to that land.
If a someone wants to quit smoking, will they keep a pack of cigarettes in their pocket?
Here’s my advice, get rid of the internet. If you need to check your e-mail or something go to a public library. Sure it will be tough, but not nearly as tough as the anger of Allah on the Day Of Judgement.
May Allah guide us all.
Allah knows best.

Shaikh Yasir :) Your post reminded me of the “Oh Allah! Forgive me lecture” :)

Subhan Allah my bros, I think a lot of us Muslims youth are in these situations. I don’t want to uncover my sins…I want the sitar of AlSitteer…but one of the things that really helps me control my sins is the following:

Ya ayyuhal ladhina amanu tooboo illalallahi tawbatan nasooha

O you people who believe (us!!!), repent to Allah with a sincere/true repentance (tawbatan nasooha).

What is a sincere repentance?

1. Ikhlaas – gotta have sincerity. Repenting to Allah for the sake of Allah, not because we are caught in the act.

2. Admit the sin – don’t ignore, trivialize or at worst, justify the sin. Admitting there is a problem is the first step to solving it.

3. Feeling guilty – “Feeling guilty IS tawbah” AlMustafa, salAllaho alaihi wa sallam.

4. Immediate tawbah – just like Adam (AS). This is very hard because many-a-times, after committing the sin, we feel so guilty and disgusted with ourselves that we feel ashamed to do tawbah = exactly what shaitaan wants – to delay us and our tawbah. Therefore, the solution is to do tawbah immediately.

5. Increase in the good deeds – hasanat wipes away sins.

6. Intend to stop the sin – make a true, sincere intention and strong resolve to never return to the sin.

If you do slip back, start over from step 1 until this step is actualized. Doesn’t matter how many times the slip happens…1000, 10000, a million, a billion times. Just keep going back to step 1 if you do fall in the sin.

If this seems like an infinite loop, then its a plot of shaitaan to make you think this way. Only Allah’s Mercy is infinite :)

Subhan Allah, this is the BIGGEST step for me right now. Every time I think of committing a dreaded sin that has haunted me for years, I ask myself: “So what happened to your tawbatan nasooha? Didn’t you promise Allah that you’re not going to go back to the sin?” And then, walhamdulillah, I desist.

7. Not publicize – What this means is not to boast about your sin, and to not even mention it in public out of a desire for Allah’s sitar. Because all of RasoolAllah’s (SAWS) ummah will be forgiven except those who publicize their sins.

Unless, of course, you have repented and talking about the sin brings about the benefit of bringing others away from it.

8. Restore rights of others, if applicable.

The point of mentioning all of this (and for most, it may be very redundant, but whatev! :) is that for me, personally, I have asked Allah to forgive me because I’ve done the tawbah that is sincere…now, I continually evaluate myself on these conditions…whenever I see that I’m about to break any of these conditions, I know that my repentance is not sincere. And this way, in sha Allah ta’ala…slowly but surely…we can win against Shaitaan :)

WAllahu alim, but I think Allah would love us for the fact that we are continually striving. May He makes us of those elite whose bad deeds will be transformed to good deeds on the day of Judgment and they will WISH (!) that they had done more bad deeds, ameen.

May Allah help those who can’t help themselves. Ameen.

OK well could qwerty and WM continue posting here so we can learn from there situation, track their progress and use that to help others in similar situations?

“No one DESPAIRS of Allah’s mercy except a people who DISBELIEVES.” [Sûrah Yûsuf: 87]

Yeah, qwerty and WM stop wallowing in sadness over this stuff. There are far worse situations to be in. qwerty you are married and probably the head of your household, so you should move!

For every time you sin, pray at least 2 rakaah nawafil, immediately after sinning. Even if you don’t feel guilty, make it a habit. Now you have support and that sinning will, oddly enough, push you closer to Allah SWT. I guess that’s why we sin–so Allah can bring us closer to Him.

And I hate to say it, but this sort of addiction is almost to the point that you have taken another god besides Allah. Not good. Nuh uh!

When you are sinning, turn away from the screen, be still and know that you could die at that moment and that yes, hellfire is where you would be if that happens. This thought never gets old. Bring it back to mind as often as you can. People try and mentally overcome this thought before they commit a sin, just to make themselves feel OK and then they do the sin. And then they think later “Oh that thought didn’t work on me,” when really they didn’t want it to work on them, in the first place. So keep bringing it back to mind, even while sinning and Insha Allah it will steer you away.

“So why haven’t i sought help? Dear reader, what haven’t i tried to give up this addiction? Reciting Qur’an, going to talks, activism, du’a, all of that and more. I’ve prayed those prayers in the middle of the night when i thought to myself, “man, i wish i could pray with that much khushoo’ in every salaah” and i made salaam and thought i’d never return to that sin, but then a week, or two weeks later, i was back at it.”

So it DID work. You did make progress, masha Allah! Just keep at it. This is what you call jihad! Also people have preferences for certain good deeds they love more than others, focus on the one you love–even if it may seem trivial.

No one mentioned fasting so far. Fasting works wonders–all you gotta do is get started! Insha Allah the weakness you have while fasting, will cause you to get headaches when you are on the computer, thus driving you away! :)
You gotta fast daily and not over eat later, because over-eating/drinking apparently increases your sexual appetite. FAST!

I wrote this for you brothers WM and qwerty as I have time for people like you. May Allah help you always.

Ustadh Yasir Qadhi has certainly helped to balance the issue out. Barak Allahu feek.

A person giving up hope is disastrous to say the least but not uncommon. I’ve seen on occasion, other brothers breakdown in front of me into wailing and tears saying that Allah would never forgive them.

There is one issue that I have noticed with brothers who have this problem. They are split in two, inside and it hurts them. Being more religious than the average person yet a great sinner in the mirror.

There is an internal struggle going on. A Jihad of the nafs.

On one hand the nafs censures itself. “Oh you sinner, return to Allah”. On the other hand there is a trap of iblees.

Iblees knows that the soul wishes to repent. So he lays a trap at every door of repentance: “Allah will never forgive you. This is a sin you keep repeating. Leave off dawah, you are too dirty for ibadah.”

It is a trap of iblees designed to destroy the nafs that is in a state of muhasabah (self assessment?).

So to begin with as both of you have mentioned that you do hate what you are doing and that you have tried to stop using various means. So understand that when you do this then the soul is in a state of Jihad. And at times this internal struggle can be greater than that fought with a sword.

The nature of the sin is addiction, therefore continuity. And as Ustadh Yasir has explained that a minor sin done continuously can become major. So the habit must be broken.

Let’s say you stopped for a while and then you started again. Don’t let that make you give up trying. In fact stopping for a while shows that you can stop totally, eventually.

Many people in this discussion have mentioned Islamic means for rectification. And I have no need to mention those, as you must have tried them yourselves. So do not stop them now. In fact the help of Allah is required now more than ever.

IMHO this is an addiction and needs treatment. As with other addictions it can wreak havoc on your life and relationships. We all know the spiritual effects. But I bet you brothers have other problems with work, family etc.

Now I’m going to show you a method to break the habit for ever insha Allah.

First understand the problem (this is all common knowledge is psychology, it’s not voodoo!):
When you do something that gives you a reward it releases chemicals in your brain.

So when you eat, exercise or have sex, then certain chemicals are released inside the brain. This is the reward process of the brain to keep you eating, healthy and procreating etc.

One chemical is dopamine. This reinforces the pleasure each time. In other types of addiction more drugs (higher doses) are required each time to achieve a similar level of pleasure/feeling. This is what is referred to as tolerance.

Now when you watch porn I bet that over time you had to start watching different types of porn to get the same ‘feeling’. You build up a numbness or tolerance as we call it. This is what led you to use your credit cards.

Some pharma companies are developing a drug to stop this process (for heroin addicts), but we all know where that leads to. Continuous treatments so that they can make money.

What you need to do is to replace the pleasure with a greater pleasure. As Imam Ibn Qayyim Al Jawziyyah once wrote about the gaze:

“The pleasure received in not looking is greater than the pleasure received in looking.”

Brother Dawud mentioned in his post that:

“Muhammad AlShareef mentions in his CD lecture, “When Wolves becomes Shepherds” that when some action is committed–a new pathway is made in the brain. Based on that theory, if we can strengthen an Islamic pathway (i.e. Dawah)–it will weaken or make on forget the pornographic pathway.”

Unfortunately your other ‘porn pathway’ is probably well developed and traversed by now.

In actual fact you need to change the pathway itself. In fact the best thing would be to go to Muhammad AlShareef as he is an NLP practitioner and should be able to help you immediately. Or to remain anonymous you could go to a non-Muslim one. But you nee to find a reputable one near you.

I’ll provide a method here that is used by NLP people. Try and use it yourself. It is very possible to make this work, I’ve tried it with phobias and other stuff. Make sure you have confidence in the method and try it out properly. If it doesn’t work then go to an NLP practitioner.

What you need to do is use a method called anchoring, where you tie certain emotions and feelings with certain actions or triggers. This is not some voodoo. It is a psychological method used by business people all around the world for many different purposes.

First read around it so that you get an idea of what you’re about to do:

http://www.nlp-now.co.uk/nlp_swish.htm

http://www.nlpweekly.com/?p=582

Once you have an idea about the concept then try the method on the following link, it is specifically porn orientated:

link

(Also ignore their comments at the start about occasional porn watching being o.k., that’s because they don’t know it’s haram!)

This method has been tested on people and does work very well. Make sure you read it a few times and understand it well before you start.

Anyhow nothing will work without the help of Allah. So make taubah first then make dua and ask for Allahs help.

Masha Allah great advice Abu Muhammad! May Allah allow us to benefit from it. Ameen!

You know what’s nice? I was just thinking how I can learn all this NLP stuff, whether it works or not and whether Muslims have used this fisabilillah.

I just got my answer. Subhana Allah!

Abu Muhammad, can you recommend some other NLP books, videos, learning material?

Umm Layth I hope Allah makes it easy for you.

Make some dua for me too please. There’s always someone in a lower condition than you.

I think the problem is more with the husbands who are more cultured, what i mean is the husbands who were in jaheliya before and have experianced intamacy before marriage know about how to like treat woman a bit better because i mean dont get me wrong its strictley haram and may allah forgive us for those acts we did im just saying that a brother who lets say has been practesing from day1 probabley wouldnt have experianced woman wether phyisically or mentally so those brothers need alot more education.

The point to understand about culture is that it is so pervasive that it is invisible to all but ‘outsiders’ and those with knowledge of the ‘outside’. ‘Modernity’ has given us unprecedented knowledge of the ‘outside’, hence it engenders a collective cognitive dissonance i.e. within one person (such as Ruth), we find different and competing value systems (Islam, feminism, the values she was raised with etc) vying for dominance.

Our liberation comes when we relinquish all cultural paradigms but the Islamic one.

SubhanAllah

Beneficial reads

Insha’aAllah here are some of the things that came to my mind after reading some responses.

- 4 ahadith, that I (personally) count as my HOPE in front Allah ‘azza wa jal

a) the hadith of Anas ibn Malik radyAllahu ‘anh that the Prophet salAllahu ‘alaihee wa sallam said

“By Him in Whose Hand is my soul: If you committed sins to the extent that your sins filled what is between the heavens and the earth, Allah would forgive you after seeking His forgiveness. By Him in Whose hand is Muhammad’s soul, if you did not commit sins, Allah would replace you by other people who would commit sins. Then, Allah forgives them after seeking His forgiveness.” (Musnad of Imaam Ahmed)

b) The LONG hadith of Abu Dharr al-Ghifari radyAllahu ‘anh from the Prophet salAllahu ‘alaihee aw sallam that Allah said:
O My servants, I have forbidden oppression for Myself and have made it forbidden amongst you, so do not oppress one another. O My servants, all of you are astray except for those I have guided, so seek guidance of Me and I shall guide you, O My servants, all of you are hungry except for those I have fed, so seek food of Me and I shall feed you. O My servants, all of you are naked except for those I have clothed, so seek clothing of Me and I shall clothe you. O My servants, you sin by night and by day, and I forgive all sins, so seek forgiveness of Me and I shall forgive you. O My servants, you will not attain harming Me so as to harm Me, and will not attain benefitting Me so as to benefit Me. O My servants, were the first of you and the last of you, the human of you and the jinn of you to be as pious as the most pious heart of any one man of you, that would not increase My kingdom in anything. O My servants, were the first of you and the last of you, the human of you and the jinn of you to be as wicked as the most wicked heart of any one man of you, that would not decrease My kingdom in anything. O My servants, were the first of you and the last of you, the human of you and the jinn of you to rise up in one place and make a request of Me, and were I to give everyone what he requested, that would not decrease what I have, any more that a needle decreases the sea if put into it. O My servants, it is but your deeds that I reckon up for you and then recompense you for, so let him finds good praise Allah and let him who finds other that blame no one but himself.

(Muslim, Tirmidhi and Ibn Majah).

c) The hadith of ibn ‘Abbas radyAllahu ‘anh
the explanation of which was done shaykhuna Yasir hafidhahullah on this very blog: you can find it here: http://muslimmatters.org/2007/04/03/pearls-from-the-sunnah-1/

and d) The hadith of the Prophet salAllahu ‘alaihee wa sallam, that the son of Adam will sin, repent, sin, and repent, sin, and repent.. so much so that shaytaan gives up on him! aw kamaa qaala salAllahu ‘alaihee wa sallam.

and the aya in (NOT so ironically) Surat GHAFIR

Inna la nasru rusulana WAL LADHEENA aamanoo FIL HAYYAATID DUNYA WA yawma yaqumul Ash-Haad

Verily Allah will give VICTORY to his messengers AND those who believe IN THIS LIFE AND on the day when the witnesses will be brought forth.

- The victory is IN this life…and on the day of judgement for ALL to see that YES WE (I) was victorious. They WITNESS to that. How sweet of a day that is – may Allah make us of those who are victorious.

May Allah aleviate the worry of his ‘ibaad, and forgive their sins, raise their rank, and multiply their deeds. Ameen.

WAllahu ‘Alam

One sin leads to another, and this addiction makes you sin in other ways. First and worst of all, is the lying and deceit. I never, ever used to lie before, but after this addiction caught hold, lying became habitual as i concocted story after story to cover my tracks: why was i on the computer for so long last night? why do i need to take baths so often?

And subhanallah, no one is as resourceful as one whose mind has been overcome by the need to satisfy his lusts. Sneaking away to be alone with the computer, altering the computer’s history so that no one could find which sites i had visited or which files i had downloaded. The secret email addresses i set up which no one knew i had but me. Saving files in deep directories where no one would think of finding them. Its embarrassing when i think about it.

But there is also an aspect of absurdity about this whole thing. Over the years i’d made online contacts who had similar “interests” as me. One was a practising brother, we spoke about mutual “interests” but also Islamic things, and qadrullah we made repentance the same day as each other then told each other about it. I deleted the porn saved on my PC and he tells me he did the same. By Allah’s Grace he is still going good, whereas, i have found it more difficult.

Someone mentioned the trauma that the wife goes through knowing of her husband’s sick habit, and i’m telling you that my wife knows about mine. First time she found the pics i completely denied everything, and she believed me. Then she caught me again and eventually i confessed.

She was very upset but eventually accepted my apology. May Allah bless her, she offered to help, and to be there and to listen to me… but the thing is, how does one speak to his wife about this habit? what does one say? it would be humiliating, way too humiliating to sit there face to face and talk about this. No, i think i need to speak to someone who doesn’t know me. It would be a full disaster if i confided this habit to someone I knew and it leaked to the community. One of the greatest blessings upon me in this regard is that Allah gave my wife the patience not to expose me to my family or my friends.

Yet, i’m still addicted.

As to your suggestions, let me tackle some of those that caught my eye:
Sh. Yasir: jazakallahu khair for mentioning this fatwa. Lengthening my prayers and sajdahs is something i have started to do as per your suggestion. And this type of advice is the advice that i need. One of the most frequent thoughts running through my mind is that i’m in a race to balance my scales. I’m in a race to make sure that i have enough good deeds to counter for my sins.

Though, i had a rather depressing thought the other day. I am involved in lots of Islamic activities, but if I were to die today and somehow my good deeds were enough to counterbalance my bad deeds, i would die being equal to a lazy Muslim who never memorised and never did da’wah work, yet didn’t sin in the way i did and so didnt need to do all those good deeds because he didn’t have as many bad deeds to make up for. I hope you follow what i’m saying.

Amad, i couldn’t use the activity logger because then my wife would realise that i am still addicted: she currently believes i’m clean, though i’m sure she has her suspicions.

Umm Layth writes: “Honestly, when a person is about to destroy their soul, who cares if they are offering the ummah help or not. What help can they offer when their souls are unaware of Allah?.”

Please don’t say this. If i wasn’t out there getting involved with the community, i would feel even more depressed. If i can scrounge some hasanat by helping out in da’wah activities, you can bet that i’ll jump at the chance. That is a lifeline for me and therein lies some hope . Those activities bring life to my soul – not destroy it.

All those who have suggested a return to a more spiritual state, dhikr and qiyam – i think this is good advice, and i will try to implement this.

Perhaps counselling is an option. I’ve seen programs on TV of people who undertook counselling to help them cope with their sex addiction.

Brother qwerty, may Allah forgive you and us, what I mean is not that you should stop being active, (and maybe I misunderstood) but that the solution doesn’t lie there. The solution only lies in going back to Allah, and Him Alone. Really. You have to start from scratch on your heart. You do need to do whatever it takes to remove yourself from such environment.

You continue to lie, and because of your lies you continue to sin in other aspects. You admit it; so stop lying. From this moment on just stop. And I am not trying to tell you that it’s that easy because it is sooo not, but true tawbah means stopping immediately and having a firm intention, right? You know, maybe you should start carrying a piece of paper with you and a pen; everytime that you think you’ve uttered an evil, write it down. At the end of the day, analyze your list and slowly insha’Allah you’ll become aware of your sins. Make tawbah for every one of your sins that day that you are aware of. They say it becomes easier, and I’ve actually noticed a difference. Quite amazing sometimes actually.

Maybe you’ll start to notice at what point of the day you do what you do etc… soon if you continue to try being in a state of awareness, insha’Allah.

Your wife is masha’Allah my hero. And I mean that in the best way possible. To be able to take that as patiently as you say she does, is a rahma for you from Allah. You are a very lucky person brother. May Allah grant you both jannah. Aameen

I know this may be simple but it works for me always. Whenever I get a bad thought/inclination, I seek refuge from the shaytaan. I believe it is powerful way of seeking supernatural help from Allah SWT to extinquish the thought so it doesn’t linger and become an action.

salam br qwerty and WK,

May Allah ease your suffering and take you out of this torture you’re going through.

And may Allah reward Shaikh Yasir for his beneficial advice. I have some suggestions that might help:

* listen to this lecture, “Ahmed the Repenter”
http://www.iisna.com/downloads/
(it’s the third lecture on the list) — please make sure you listen to it if you haven’t already.
* some other suggestions, if you have a laptop, try to sell it and only keep a desk PC which is highly visible in the family or actually in your bedroom where your wife/family sleeps.
* if you have a laptop from work, don’t bring it home :) keep it at work and get your “important” mails on your handheld phone or something.
* if you MUST sit on the computer by yourself, perhaps keep the light on and keep a copy of Quran on your lap or in your eyesight.
* along the same lines, if you have ayat hanging in your house or islamic books, when you’re sitting in your room alone, think about these things in your surroundings and it will remind you of Allah.
* concentrate on this and say this to yourself perhaps 100 times: “Allah is watching me right now”
* watch this video with focussed visualization:
* say the istia’adah
* think about how you’ll feel after you do the evil deed…visualization is the key here!
* collect all the URLs that you regularly visit, and block them. I believe in firefox and IE, you can add these “blocked sites” and set a password. Set a random password that you type without looking so that you don’t know how to unlock it. (haven’t checked this)
* visualize the state of the people you are watching (or lusting I should say) will be on the day of Judgement [if they continue on that path]. Imagine how ugly they will look, how fat their skin would be, how big their molar teeth would be (size of Uhud!)..subhanAllah, just think about their torture and the fact that you’re making them your “friends” in this life, that should scare you away from them. You definitely do not want to be raised with them on Yawmul qiyamah!
* also br qwerty, one thing I don’t get…if your wife already knows about your issue, can’t you just install that logger br amad gave a link to and tell her, I’m doing this so that YOU KNOW (to your wife) of what I’m doing and that inshaAllah you can trust me. You don’t have to tell her that you’re still in the habit? No?

mm…I’ll post more inshallah if I can think of them. I apologize if I’m on the wrong path here.

salam

Anonymity is a bliss indeed. Let me tell you how a wife feels when she finds out about the secret life of her husband.

At first i only suspected some suspicious stuff on the computer but never realized the intensity of it until years later. My mind wouldn’t go beyond chat rooms. It made me angry especially because I had been very loyal to my husband, but I didn’t let the ‘suspicions’ take over my mind.

Sometimes I would get some disgusting popups on my computer and a friend of mine told me that it would only happen if someone actually downloads them. I didn’t believe her. I was so naive. I couldn’t even picture my husband watching any such thing. I had so much respect for him. I had married him for the sake of the deen. His friends had testified for his character. Then how could I even doubt him for a second.

Then a day came in my life, I wish hadn’t come. I saw what I shouldn’t have seen. It made me sick. I felt like puking. I cried and wished I was dreaming but the reality was right there in front of my eyes.

But my husband promised that he would stop. He would become more ‘spiritual’ and would take any and every precaution that I would ask him to… It lasted for sometime but now I know it has started again…

Day by day I fight this battle within me, on one side my love for him tells me to help him and work something out, on the other side my anger overtakes me and I think of leaving…but how? What would I tell the Imam why I seek to leave my husband? A wife is a ‘covering’ (libaas) of her husband, she hides her husband’s weaknesses and I did this for years, so how can I embarrass him now?

I want to help my husband, I want to see him successful not only here but in hereafter too. But how? I can’t keep nagging about the same subject every day. He already tells me not to act like his ‘mother’. That feeling of sorrow and guilt is not there in him anymore or at least I don’t see it.

Sometimes, it takes more then reminders of Allah’s fear for a person to leave certain sins. Sometimes a death of a loved one, some diseases, some catastrophe…so I think that perhaps if I leave it will shake him deeply and he will repent. Sometimes, by Allah, I want to get into a car accident just to ‘wake’ him up (and if i could guarantee that it would not lead to my death causing me to commit suicide, I would have done it)

When he is around us/family, I am fine. I don’t let my mind wander around but when he is working on the computer, I could only doubt and suspect him.

I had read that pure people are for pure people. But my mind fails to understand…I had never even looked at another man with an evil thought. I molded myself to his demands. Although, I grew up in a very ‘modest’ way, I went out of my way to get over my ‘shyness’. I did everything to please him from dressing in a certain way at home, to making our intimate life more exciting…Those of you who blame it on a wife’s lack of interest in intimacy are completely wrong. My husband will testify to this. We are a happily married couple (other then this issue) including our intimate life…
somtimes I wish I hadn’t done any of this, so at least I could ‘justify’ my husband’s action!

I feel bad for my children. My sons idealize their father like anything but there comes days when I fail to see my children becoming good Muslims because I know a ‘father’s sins affect his children.’
Yet there are days when I want to give up on my own struggles of becoming a good Muslimah because I must not be ‘pure’ enough to be married to my husband. In my anger, I went a couple times on some ‘chat’ rooms just to chat dirty with someone…but I couldn’t do it…I swear by Allah I couldn’t even enter the chatroom, I felt disgusted inside me…but I fear that a day might come when I wouldn’t feel disgusted anymore…

I know these are evil whisper of shaytaan, but what can I do. I came to know of a sin of his that is killing me inside. Perhaps if I see him increasing his good deeds in other ways to make up for this sin, I would stop feeling this way, but I don’t see that happening and I don’t know how to convince him into this. I have tried every way from talking to him, to requesting, to fighting to begging to crying to pleading but after all I am a wife and a wife can be everything but a ‘teacher’!

Brother Yasir Qadhi here said that it is not a major sin, my question to him is:
Whenever Allah mentioned in Quraan about avoiding major sins and He will forgive the minor, He always says, ‘avoid major sins and FAWAHISH’…isn’t this act an act of Fahash? If it is, then how could it be something minor? Yes it is not the actual act of zina but if it is fahash and Allah explicitly asks to leave major sins and fawahish??
And wouldn’t it fall into the category as ‘consistent minor sin in itself is a major sin’??

Anonymity is a bliss. May Allaah bless all of you for providing this opportunity for people in my situation to speak. Those of you who read this and think that it is only a ‘personal’ problem, know that it is NOT because this sin effects the people around you. I’ve heard brothers bragging about sisters’ hijaab because it is a ‘communal’ sin, and I tell you that this too is a sin that can ruin the lives of those living under your guardianship. So change and do something about it, PLEASE do something about it…for Allah’s sake first and then for your beloved wife’s sake and for your beloved children’s sake.

ma’ asslaam

The Wahhabi Misanthrope

You are one of those men who’ll end up in hell no doubt

عن جندب قال قال رسول الله {صلى الله عليه وسلم} قال رجلٌ والله لا يغفر الله لفلان فقال الله عز وجل ( من ذا الذي يتألى علي ألا أغفر لفلان إني غفرت له وأحبطت عملك )

Jundub relates, Allah’s Messenger صلى الله عليه وسلم said, “A man said, ‘by Allah, Allah shall not forgive so-and-so.’ Thereupon, Allah عز وجل said, ‘Who is this who swears that I shall not forgive so-and-so? I have forgiven him and made your deeds void.’” [Muslim]

You stupid people, wake up! You want to get rid of porn, then realize who controls that industry. In one short word: Jews!

-”Deep Thoughts” brother? Can we pls get over the Jewish-world-control-conspiracy-theory? -Editor

We are missing the point here. Muslim women are to blame. So many of our sisters want to be career women nowadays. They do not wan to take care of the children. Feminism at its worst!

thanks for link!

Gossiping about sex lives is about as unmanly as a person can get. The constant talk about sex with Muslims put me off to Islam for a while when I was a non Muslim. The Muslims would always be talking about how so and so is sleeping around, I would be like I never seen people having sex in public, so I have no idea what their sex life is about. Sex is a private matter that usually involves two people, anyone else opinion on the matter is gossip. I don’t care about a Muslim or kafirs sex life, it aint my business. The only time I was propositioned by a homosexual was by a “Muslim.” There was an Arab from Jordan who I shared the same major with, so we ended up in a lot of the same classes and became friendly. Nearing midterms one semester we were studying at his apartment, so during a break from studying were drinking tea and lounging on the sofa, I start to notice he is staring at my crouch. I was shocked and didn’t know what to say, and he ask me if I’d ever had oral sex performed on me by a boy, he wanted to perform this act on me. I say no, I’m not into that expletive expletive, and hastily gather my things to leave. I got out of there in hurry, but not before saying some unkind words and giving him a warning. If he would have tried something I think that would have been his last evening on earth. I’ve also corresponded with a few Muslim women on the internet who couldn’t have a conversation for more then five minutes without asking some question about sex like if I’m a virgin, or how big my “thing” is.

I often masturbate while watching pornography. My wife’s sex drive is simply not sufficient and I live in a country where multiple wives are not permitted. I am a very masculine man with an extremely high sex drive. Something I believe all good Muslims should be proud of. I believe that I should not force my wife into relations. I believe that the Koran states that seed should not be wasted. As semen dies, after a certain time in the scrotum it is recycled into the body, I believe that is a waste. Allah wants us to use all of the blessings that HE has bestowed upon us. Do not waste your seed. Enjoy it while looking at images of the Almighty’s beautiful creations. Swallow your own seed to let Allah’s greatest creation nourish your soul. Swallow not another man’s seed. Only your own. I will not beat my wife for lack of relations, as MANY of my relatives do. I will watch Allah’s creations and eat the seed of his benevolence. Consider it. Read. You will see that I am right. Praise Allah.