Thoughts and Advice on Interracial Marriages
This is a post I have been thinking about writing for quite some time because I have a lot of thoughts on this issue (the reasons why may be obvious from the rest of this post) and I wanted to get them down and get some feedback from other Muslims. Here is how I want to focus this topic:
- Before Marriage - Stereotypes/Obstacles
- During Marriage - Culture Clash, Confused Kids, and Bewildered in-Laws
- Societal Ramifications (focus on living in the US)
- Parting Comments
Before Marriage - Stereotypes and Obstacles
No matter your background, an interracial marriage will be met with obstacles on both sides. It is especially the case for the generation of people whose parents were immigrants, and they themselves were raised here. To even broach the idea of an interracial marriage will spring forth 100 year old stereotypes of other cultures you never even knew existed. It is particularly sad when these are directed at other Muslim groups. For example, a Pakistani trying to marry an Arab will no doubt hear many “Arabs are this…” or “Arabs are that…” type of comments.
Even those who marry within the race will often face problems in marrying outside the tribe, or people from a specific part of the same country, so much so that some people even consider these marriages to be against the norm.
Muslims who are the first generation to be born and raised in the West face a unique dilemma. They must harmonize between finding someone who is suitable religiously, and culturally. The cultural aspect can get confusing because while a person may be Indian, they have more in common with a Bengali person who grew up here also as opposed to an Indian person from ‘back home.’
It is that point though, that parents have a tough time coming to grips with. It seems some have missed the fact that their kids have a distinct culture that’s different that what they think they taught them. This is why it is frustrating to see many marriages being held up because someone’s parents are looking from a family who is from the same village back home.
It is good to see the trend of our youth overlooking the racial/ethnic lines in marriage, and trying to marry for the deen, however, the obstacles are often great. Many families are not accepting of such marriages, and many face great difficulties in pursuing them. The hardest part is breaking stereotypes that people have formed, or been brought up with. These are literally ideologies they may have held for the vast majority of their lives. The culture and environment their kids have been brought up in though, does not hald fast to these same ideals.
During Marriage
This is where the toughest adjustment comes, and the cultural differences must be overcome. For purposes of this article, we will go ahead and assume that alhamdulillah as far as the deen is concerned, both parties are mashallah practicing and on the same page in regards to their religion. It is what comes outside of that which can cause problems.
The first problem is, if I may term it so, latent cultural tendencies. By this I mean that once a person is married, they are now in a stage of life that they have not experienced before (assuming its the first marriage). Since this is the case, the only ‘experience’ they have to revert back to is that of their own parents. A person might not realize these things before marriage, but after a kid the husband may start acting a certain way, and due to the way he was brought up, he will have certain expectations as to what his wife should do as a mother. The wife, having been brought up differently, may have the opposite expectation. This is a situation where the culture has caused a clash despite the fact that neither one may actually be a cultural Pakistani, or a cultural Arab in the traditional sense.
In-laws are another issue that comes up. Different cultures have vastly different expectations of their sons-in-law or daughters-in-law, and an interracial marriage will bring about an abrupt adjustment period for them. Language barriers can also be an issue here. It is unfortunate that this aspect of an interracial marriage is often the most overlooked despite the heavy emphasis in Islam on preserving the family ties. Deen may very well be an extremely strong bond in preserving your marriage, but does that same bond exist with your spouse’s parents, uncles, aunts, brothers, sisters, nieces, nephews, and other family members?
Kids add another dimension, and quite possibly the toughest. The husband/wife must be prepared to deal with difficulties their children may endure from being of mixed-race. There’s also issues of what languages to teach them, and how to communicate in the house. It is important for these issues to be agreed upon before getting married. Everyone has seen families where the mother and children communicate in one tongue, and the father is often left out in the cold and ends up disconnected from the family.
Societal Ramifications
Obviously interracial marriages are not for everyone, not everyone desires one (most probably don’t), and not everyone is cut out for one. With that said, it is encouraging to see a rising trend in these marriages. We are after all, one ummah. Our cultures do enrichen our ummah, but they cannot come before our religion. To see more couples, and mixed-race children is a very apparent way of breaking down some barriers and stereotypes that exist within our societies. It exposes Muslims of one culture more intimately to those from another, and in the end I feel it increases the bonds of brotherhood and sisterhood.
It is also important in our times, to not let ourselves become segregated too much, otherwise we will end up with masjids separated out like the “black churches” or “white churches.” I know that exists to some degree now, but alhamdulillah I think most of the bigger masaajid in bigger communities are very diverse (even if the board members might all be from one country, but that’s a different story).
Tariq Nelson made a pertinent point on his blog,
I am of the controversial opinion that increased interracial/intercultural marriage is one of the ways that will lead to a meshing of a singular American Muslim identity. This would eventually lead to more of a blending in this country, culturally and genetically, of the many Muslim cultures as well as the American one. Intermarriage is one of the ways people that were once even somewhat hostile can become one group.
The most important role interracial marriages may play in this is the affect that they will have on their family and friends. At the very least it will force them to look past their cultural identity and see a first-hand example of a family that is insha’Allah putting their religion above all else - about making themselves Muslim before being anything else.
Parting Comments
First and foremost we should ask Allah (swt) to purify our intentions and grant us the tawfeeq to make all of our actions for Him and for Him alone. Marriage in general is not a goal in and of itself, but it is a means of worshipping Allah by trying to establish a family upon the Sunnah.
If someone chooses to pursue an interracial marriage, they really need to “check yourself before you wreck yourself” and make sure they are ready to deal with the consequences of their decisions. I have outlined just a small sampling of the obstacles that one might face. People really need to do some self-introspection and see where they stand, see what their maturity level is, and know what they can handle before getting involved in anything.
Once a person does become involved in an interracial marriage, the most important thing is to have patience. A lot of things will come your way, but you must persevere through them as a Muslim should. Remember also that all your actions, and your family in the public eye, will be under much more scrutiny than most. One of the saddest things is the attitude people have towards interracial couples of “let’s see how long that will last.” People will be expecting your marriage to fail. It’s not right, but it’s a reality.
Know that it will take time for the families of both parties to integrate and become comfortable with one another. The key is for both people to be willing to put up with that and work towards their ultimate goal of insha’Allah having a good Muslim family. Even outside of family, you will deal with smaller things like trying to fit into social groups that exist in masaajid and communities, or being looked at as the ‘token interracial couple’ of an event, etc.
But insha’Allah if it is successful, there is a huge potential for making dawah and helping to make impact in society. Also, don’t forget the fringe benefit of having super-cute children masha’Allah 
These are just some brief thoughts I had on this matter, really I think a whole book can be written on this subject, but I did want to see people’s attitudes towards it. Would you consider it for yourself? What about for your children? What about for your siblings? How do you feel when you see an interracial couple?
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Assalamu Alaikum,
Interesting article, Masha’Allah!
I’m actually part of an interracial marriage. Some of the points you mentioned above were quite pertinent, but Alhamdulillah, with both of our immediate families being very chilled out, and identifying more with being Muslim than Arab/Pakistani, it was pretty easy for us, and a lot of these things never came up.
To be completely honest, I myself had preconceived notions about Arabs, which although sometimes true, are nonetheless, extremely stereotypical. Also, I thought interracial couples were weird.
My husband, similarly, had stereotypical views on Pakistanis.
When we got married, it was much much easier than I had imagined. The families compromised a lot and it was even more interesting to infuse the 2 cultures together.
Now, its been almost 2 years, and we haven’t really had any cultural clashes or problems. I think when the family cares more about Islam than their race, things just fall into place, and you don’t even realize that you’re of a different race.
As for kids…..haven’t been there yet, but I’ve already planned on teaching them Arabic and Urdu. The Urdu by dropping them off at my parent’s house a lot.
The Arabic, leaving them with my in-laws. Our parents like this idea also.
The cool thing is that my best friend just became part of an interracial marriage last weekend, so I can give her lotsa advice.
Me again. I somehow skipped over this part in the post:
” One of the saddest things is the attitude people have towards interracial couples of “let’s see how long that will last.” People will be expecting your marriage to fail. It’s not right, but it’s a reality.”
Wow thats sad.
I actually had no idea people thought that way. While we were engaged, people at the Masjid did make a lot of harsh comments, but my friends never told me. Later I found out, (from some kids!!)and was quite surprised.
I think theres waaaaaaay more reasons to stay together in an interracial marriage than to split up (apart from the normal reasons you wouldn’t split up). Such as: 2 types of yummy food. 2 countries to visit where you have family (when you finally take a vacation).
Like you said, cute kids.
Unlimited clothing options (my hubby wears Arab AND Pakistani clothes, whereas before he would never, ever “betray” his culture..).
Learning another language faster and easier.
And, it could go on….
Assalamu Allaikum,
Good article mash’Allah! I agree with a lot of stuff that you just mentioned. I was considering an arab brother for marriage and after a year long discussions/odd confrontations/confusion, I decided to back off.
I agree with all the pluses of inter-racial marriages but it requires a lot of patience to climb up the bariers and achieve life-long happiness…
Asalaamu alaikum, brother. Very interesting and well thought out article. My thoughts: it doesn’t sound like you’re talking about interracial marriages as much as intercultural, and it also strikes me that the issues you discuss are of most concern to immigrants and first-generation Americans. Not that the issues aren’t valid - they’re just not broad enough to really encompass “interracial marriages” in this country. For what it’s worth, I also have the impression you’re writing more about south Asian-Arab mixed couples than any others, since those are the only examples you mentioned. It’s still food for thought, though, and some good general advice.
Salaam, from a FOB point of view, I can see that the generation born and raised here have their own unique culture. A person born here in a Pakistani family or arab family etc, would have a new culture mixing american culture with traces of their parents culture. So it would be kind of hybrid culture.
And sometimes its not parents who hold you back from marrying into different culture, its person himself or herself (for valid reasons as well). We have to realize that the marriage is not something trivial to experiment with, its matter of whole life hopefully. And the person hopes and want least sort of problems in it, and want a harmonious marriage.
So if a person feels the cultural differences is going to cause such issues, why take such risk? Why be miserable for all life (or even few years) to sort things out? What are incentives to go this route?
Now as a parents, we need to realize our kids have their own culture, and we should find something suitable for them within their new adopted culture. So you are right, a pakistani american may have more in common with arab american than a pakistani from back home, because his her culture is different now.
I am not advocating against interculture marriage, I am just saying if couples cant feel comfortable with each other, then dont experiment. Wallahua’alam
Sister Ruth, I believe that Omar is talking about both. Interracial marriages can actually become more difficult when they add an intercultural aspect to it.
And Omar speaks out of personal experience, being that he is married to a sister from a different race completely (and different nation of origin), while he is himself is a 1st generation American of Indo-Pakistani origin.
Finally, I agree with Hassan, FOBs and ABCDs just don’t mesh together that well, even if their origins are from the same village in a remote area of Pakistan. The ABCD (modified to American-born-cultured-desi) would just fit better with an ABCA (ABC-arab). I have seen too many marriages break apart when the origins are taken into account more than the culture.
comment slightly edited by ibnabeeomar
Br. Amad, thanks for clarifying that. Br. Omar, if you don’t mind, I’d love to hear more of your personal perspective. I definitely didn’t get from your essay that you were talking about marriage between significantly different race backgrounds like yours - actually, significantly different in almost every way except religion (and that’s assuming your wife was a born Muslim!). If it’s not too personal, I’d be interested in hearing more about your personal experiences.
yeah i meant to make this post somewhat general in nature, but yes my primary point was of people from different races altogether, for example white-hispanic, african-pakistani, etc.
but yes it does have the tilt of first generation/immigrants because thats the best perspective i can offer. i think that a lot of things would be different, for example, in a white/black marriage where both families have been established here for a few generations would probably not experience the culture shock that first generation families would experience, because their ‘back home’ cultures are still a very vivid part of their lives.
one positive that comes out of it, is it really does give a person a new appreciation and exposure to other cultures, etc (just within islam) that they might not otherwise have had.
br. hassan i think you are basically making the same general point that br. tariq made in his (new) post, and its a good point.
regarding this question:
So if a person feels the cultural differences is going to cause such issues, why take such risk?
then its really something out of your control sometimes. if a person can’t deal with it, then yes they shouldn’t. the problem is sometimes people are immature and they think they can handle things but can’t. the other problem to me is people who oppose the idea simply out of principle. i think that its important to take each situation on a case by case basis. sometimes the sister might just flat out be worth the risks. sometimes you might just not be able to find someone suitable from your own race. there’s lots of reasons and variables.
sr. ruth, what kinds of experiences are you most interested in hearing about? hopefully other people can comment on that as well inshallah
Alhamdulillah my family is full of inter-racial marriages, even my own grandparents, may Allah have mecry on them, are interracial.
Within my family, i’ve only seen it ‘get bad’ with one couple, and the brother’s family (arab) were giving my cousin a very hard time and now that they have kids, it’s gotten worse and better at the same time. May Allah make is easy for them and grant them righteous and pious children. ameen
Because of that situation, my dad has an issue with arab brothers–not necessarily with the brother but with the possibility of being shunned by his family and/or other arabs.
I cannot say that I totally disagree with my dad, but I’m not willing to go against what my parents want, and again it depends on the situation.. wa Allahu ta’ala ‘alam.
I also agree about the stereotypes–I think that a lot of parents are just “scared” by other races because of stories they’ve heard…like for example, “a black brother will marry 2 other wives” or “an arab will hit you” or “a pakistani will make you take your hijaab off at the walima”, audubillah. I think people have taken certain situations and made them the norm for all the people of that race/culture.
I am also saddened when I see younger people intersted in getting married think that their parents are just being down-right “racist”. Our parents are not against us, they have concerns, and as an adult one should be able to address those concerns and talk about this issue beforehand. I think that the youth should talk to their parents about interracial/cultural marriages before they get involved with a brother or sister who is a different race. InshaAllah to lessen the shock value and so the parents and the child are on the same page.
On the other hand, I think a lot of parents are totally open to mixed races (like my mom) because of the pretty kids
mashaAllah and for other reasons. wa Allahu ta’ala ‘alam.
I actually disagree with the ‘Before Marriage’ part. My fiancee is Yemeni, and I’m Guyanese. [Yemen is in the Middle East; Guyana is in South America (actually considered Caribbean, so I’m West Indian)]
Her ancestors are Arab and mine are from the Indian subcontinent. Alhamdulillah, all thanks is to due to Allah that both our parents are very open and have accepted us.
My parents didn’t give me any problem at all. They were like is she a good Muslimah. That’s all they cared about: deen, piety. My parent’s aren’t even super religious either. The same for her parents.
I think it all has to do with the type of parents you have and how open they are. It doesn’t matter how pious they are but how they will react to other ethnicities and other nationalities.
But then again, West Indians generally are really open regardless of what faith they are.
Marriage is something both partners need to work at continuosly irrespective of who you are marrying - your first cousin or someone from another world altogether. Put it like this: you want a good relationship with your boss or your friends, you work at it and ditto with your spouse. Of course, with your spouse you can blow off now and then, and follow it up with remorse and repentance but still it needs to be worked at. Believe me, marriage is hard work and it better be worth the work you and your spouse put in.
I believe that the national language for all Muslims should be Arabic. ( I am Pakistani). I like what ‘Iluvmyhubby’ plans to do regarding her children. We can never learn enough languages - for Dawah and to get on with others.
To the ABCDs and the ABCAs (thank you, brother Amad for the update of the younger generation), go for it! May Allah bless your intentions and deeds!
Now what is ABCD/A….?
I guess you didn’t read all the comments– ABCD refers to American born confused desi (desi=indian subcontinent folks). The A at the end is for Arabs. The new politically-correct version introduced here replaces confused with cultured
-Amad
I think its easier for two people from different cultures who grew up in the west to get along better.
Your marriage has to be best on Quran and Sunnah to be able to grow and you have to have a common respect for another.
Take time out to learn about your partners culture even learning a few words of the other persons language will make it seem like your trying to be apart of the family.
You and the in-laws wont always see “eye to eye” but make an effort to understand their point of view,but remember its your marriage and you decide how you wont it to be.
Marriage is hard work, you just have to be willing to make an effort.
As salaam ‘alaikum
Jazaakumullaahu khairan
that was an interesting read and it has given me an answer to something I was looking for
baarak Allaahu feekum
Wa salaam ‘alaikum
One comment on the masjids being seperated like “black” churches and “white” churches.
As a person that was once Christian, I can tell you that I would not have fathomed dropping by a “white” church on the other side of town much less go to one while I am traveling.
This has not been the case as a Muslim as I can drop by any masjid (regardless of cultural domination) and go in and pray with no problems even when I am out of town. We do have some cleaning up to do in this department, but I must say that masjids are still a vast improvement over “black” churches and “white” churches
I have to add a few important points:
There is a certain romanticism that young Muslims have, especially teens and 20-something, about marrying from the other ‘type’… like Desis wanting to test the Arabian waters, and vice-versa. It just may seem cool and different. Then there are also the ’stretch-reasons’ such as “if I marry an Arab, I’ll learn Arabic”, not realizing that most Arabs don’t know decent Arabic themselves! So, this feeling of ‘exoticness’ and wanting to be ‘different’ from the ‘uncle-generation’ is pretty strong among the youth. And I have to admit that I had similar feelings back in my teens/early-20s as well.
So, if there are those wanting to explore the ‘other side’, then my advise to you is to think many times before jumping into such an arrangement. Not that there is anything Islamically wrong with it. And not that it is not a noble goal to feel the need for a Muslim ‘melting pot’. But there are other ways that this can be achieved, in lieu of putting your life’s serenity at stake.
To start with, marrying within your own ‘tribe’ poses much less of a challenge; it increases your chances of having a fruitful marriage. Marriage is a like a huge life-long (if it lasts) obstacle course. There are so many issues to overcome, so many incompatibilities to smoothen, so many people in your extended families to deal with, that it is MUCH easier if the parents of the couple can interact COMFORTABLY. Yes, I am sure Arab parents can deal with Desi parents, but generally speaking, immigrant Arabs/Desis like to socialize in their own cliques. So, they may be able to survive yes, but perhaps not thrive. When the two extended families don’t mesh as well, then the couple just don’t have the support that they otherwise would have had. Also there are are other things, like food types, like cultural habits, etc. that can create obstacles of their own So, in short, my personal advice (generally speaking) is that if you can find one of your ‘own’ to marry who has the Islamic qualities you are looking for, then prefer it over the exoticness of finding one from the ‘other side’.
-uncle Amad
These are good points but they really do vary from person to person. I’m a Desi and I like desi cuisine, but I could just as easily switch over to Arab food if I had an Arab wife. Also, while its true my parents prefer to associate primarily with Desis, they actually get along pretty well with the Arab families in our community. And to be honest, for me personally, although I can make my way through Desi social circles, its not exactly something I relish.
So each person should consider his own circumstances. The important thing in the end is to go into any situation with open eyes.
Getting along vs. actually enjoying and wanting that sort of company are two different things.
Of course, I agree with your comments Sh. Abu Bakr… there are many exceptions to what I believe is still generally true for MOST TYPICAL Arab/Desi IMMIGRANT parents.
I think, like other cultures and races that came before us, first-generation Americans born to Muslim immigrants will/are becoming more homogeneous such that the second-generation will have it much easier… I can see it in myself being that I came here as a teenager, and that my best-friends are Arabs… so I don’t see my children having much difficulty in that regard. Wallahualam.
As salaamu alaikum:
“I have to add a few important points:
There is a certain romanticism that young Muslims have, especially teens and 20-something, about marrying from the other ‘type’… like Desis wanting to test the Arabian waters, and vice-versa. It just may seem cool and different. Then there are also the ’stretch-reasons’ such as “if I marry an Arab, I’ll learn Arabic”, not realizing that most Arabs don’t know decent Arabic themselves! So, this feeling of ‘exoticness’ and wanting to be ‘different’ from the ‘uncle-generation’ is pretty strong among the youth. And I have to admit that I had similar feelings back in my teens/early-20s as well.”
LOL, as a teen I totally ditto that!
Especially the part about the Arabic.
May Allah guide us all, ameen.
As-salaamu ‘alaikum wa rahmatullaahi wa barakaatu,
Good post… and something I need to think about, considering that right now, I’d rather marry an Arab than a fellow desi…
My parents are those who don’t think much of culture and focus more on deen (al-Hamdulillaah), but my grandparents are a bit more attached to our culture - they’ve been sort of hoping I’d marry within “our people”, but honestly, from what I’ve seen of “our people”, I’d rather not! :S
May Allah guide us all to making the right decisions, and grant us all pious righteous spouses, ameen!
‘I think, like other cultures and races that came before us, first-generation Americans born to Muslim immigrants will/are becoming more homogeneous such that the second-generation will have it much easier… ‘
I agree; that is why the ABCDs, the ABCAs and also the ABMs (all American born Muslims) and the ABCMs (American born converted Muslims) have a better chance to make it work and to unite the Ummah. They has much less cultural baggage and prejudices from the old country. What little they have is handed down, and insha Allah will not pass it on to their cute children.
Br. Amad:
Yes, i see your point, and brother, btw, theres no need to call me shaykh. I’m 99% sure you are probably older than I am
yes alot of black american men are marrying arabwomen…….yemen,morocco,egypt,jordan,saudi arabia…maritania….The brothers claim they are obediant and stay in the marriage,plus they know arabic and the quran……wowwww .that’s alot to compete with
Also the ABCMs (that’s a new one) don’t really care about what our extended family thinks of who we marry, because the issue with us will always be deen and not culture or race. Most of us are estranged from our families and limit the interaction of our children with the extended none Muslim family. I am in an interracial marriage. My husband is pink and I am caramel and we have creamy babies (rofl). Really, he’s white, I’m black and his family (well his mom) wants nothing to do with me because I am black and Muslim. His first Muslim wife was white and his family encouraged her apostatacy (they actually put her in touch with the people who helped misguide her), so really for the convert I think think it all boils down to our personal preference and deen, when we decide who we want to marry.
I’ve also bent over backwards to learn my dh’s culture. I have perfected bland cardboard tasting food and you can find my children running wild screaming and crying throughout any grocery or toy store with no discipline whatsoever (not even the ‘wait till we get to the car/home’ look)!
This is definitely something that should be discussed, though I’m a little disturbed by the uncritical use of “race” in distinction to “culture.” Race exists as a lived experience because racism exists, not because of biology Cultural differences are something to consider in marriage, but what exactly do y’all mean by racial difference? It’s a bit troubling.
I’m afraid that I don’t have much patience with the racism and cultural chauvinism among immigrants. Many American converts, like myself, came to Islam because it is the solution to racism. And nothing broke my heart more in the immigrant communities than to discover the rampant racism therein.
Additionally, as converts, we automatically go through a process of separating culture from deen, which is not the case for those born into Islam.
I don’t want to underemphasize the importance of cultural compatibility. It should be taken seriously in choosing a spouse. But as a whole, these race/culture issues are a plague in our communitites.
Before Marriage - Stereotypes and Obstacles
One thing I’ve noticed about all the interracial couples I know is that they met through Islamic events or friends of friends manly because in the recent years masajids and Islamic schools have become more diverse especially in the larger cities so much so that you could have 20 friends each from a different part of the world. This has created a more tolerant and culturally sensitive generation.
As far as parents go and bring up the idea of marrying someone out side of your race, as you all know everyone is different. From what I have seen the more religious the family is the more likely they would support you.
For me personally being a Somali sister who grew up in North America, married to a First generation American of Indo-Pakistani origin. I thought getting my parents; mainly my father to agree to let me marry outside of my Tribe much less out side of my race all together would be virtually impossible. But after having several long discussions with my father and him seeking consultation from elders in my community many who’ve known me since childhood, he agreed. SubhanaAllah what pleased me most was why my father agreed he told me about this hadith “If someone with whose piety and character you comes…….( can’t remember the rest of the hadith) and said that this is why he agreed.
I think anyone who is thinking about entering into a interracial marriage really needs to think long and hard, talk to prospective spouses ask questions about the family and how important culture is, your expectations, your goals for the future, how you plan to raise your kids, if this person eventually wants to move back to their country, what types of cuisine he expects you to cook for him, etc.
Whether same race or interracial, one thing I would advise anyone in a marriage is to make lots of dua and have patience and learn about each others roles in Islam. This is the key to any good marriage
SubhanAllah what an eye opener!
I know for sure living here in the UK and Alhamdulilah with an increase in converts, alot more sisters want to marry out of their race, but once again its the family that disagree, simply due to his race/culture. Should we just compromise and carry on letting our families believe their old myths about different cultures Or shud we attempt to dispel the previous generations misconceptions? Last time I checked, we were one Ummah, and still are. Alhamdulilah regardless of race/colour/culture etc.
However I do have to add that some of the problems mentioned had never occurred to me before, but surely if all this is dealt with by educating our youth & elders, these problems wouldn’t arise, bi’idhnillah,
Nowadays, when sisters say they want to get married, they have to hear the ‘wait till you finish studying etc’, which is a whole other issue…hence there is alot of much needed education, not just in this department, but in all aspects of our deen…
JazakAllahkhair for the beneficial article.
Salaam alaikum,
I have to agree with Musa Maguires contention that there is an uncritical distinction between culture and race. Are we still going to use colonial categories of race? How do we understand culture, when there is constant borrowing and renegotiations of culture. It seems as if we consider those static categories when they are so dynamic. For example, a few commenters on this blog pointed out that migration can create cultural differences. One’s cultural orientation can change in a lifetime.
There are many Muslims that argue that marriage is hard enough to add the challenges of inter-cultural/inter-ethnic relationships. People bring their own cultural baggage even if they marry someone from their same background. When you marry someone from a different background you exchange the sets of issues that you would have with someone from your background for another set of issues.
I think the saddest thing for me, as a convert, was the dissapointment when I confronted racism in the Muslim community. America has a long history of addressing issues of racism and it has been subject to so much resources and critical thought. On the other hand, Muslims are just barely addressing these issues critically.
This is why I am thankful for postings like this.
Salaam. Many people commented that there is lot of racism in muslim community. Are you guys suggesting not marrying into other race as racism? or Is there something else? If yes, then what is it?
Speaking for myself, i don’t think its racsim if you choose not to marry into another culture. Its all just based on everyones own perference
Salaam alaikum,
Choosing to marry within your own ethnic and cultural community is not racism. But often individuals cite racist assumptions: this group abuses their women, that group’s women aren’t good women, this other group are lazy, etc. One can be racist and still marry into another group. For example, I know white men who have racist views agains Asians, but are married to Asian women. I also know of a Black man who marries (under dubious circumstances) Arab women, but dislikes Arabs and generalizes them all the time.
But for the most part, hatred of another ethnic group does prevent you from wanting to marry them.
Ms. Ruth , would u mind to write something about inter religious marriage . I am muslim and I am in love with a person who is Christian (Atheist actually ) .I love him so much .Though , he is an atheist but he respects my religion . He is the nicest person in the whole earth .I need ur input .Although I am born Muslim but I don’t have deep knowledge abt Islam.I would appreciate ur input .Thanks again .
Asalaamu alaikum, nothing. I’m honored that you’ve asked me to respond to your question, although I’m not sure why you asked me specifically…but I’ll do my best.
I’m not sure a Muslim-atheist marriage even is an interreligious one, as the atheist has no religion.
The best way I can answer is to tell you what I would do. First of all, as a Muslim woman, I would follow the Islamic guidance that restricts me to marrying a Muslim. Second, I would not marry an atheist even if I loved him with all my heart and soul. Love for Allah should come first and foremost, and to commit myself to someone who doesn’t even acknowledge His existence is an insult to God, really. Also, Allah tells us in the Quran not to take unbelievers for friends and protectors.
Loving someone is a beautiful thing, but it can be fragile, too. Romantic love fades; it’s an emotion like any other and can wax and wane depending on circumstances. Marriage is about working together in a partnership to support a family, and that in itself is a challenge not everyone succeeds in.
I can’t advise you as an imam would, but as a Muslim and a woman I think you would be wise to let go of your friendship with this man. The relationship is clearly haram. And Allahu alam. God knows best.
As Salaamu Aleikum wa Rahmatullah
Masha Allah very interesting!
I am in a interracial marriage, me being kurd from Iraq and hubby from Sudan, we are both immigrants, and live in Sweden.
I have really problem with my mum not accepting (still after 3 y of marriage). We have 2 wonderful cute kids. And we really didn’t face any cultural clashes, Al Hamdulilah!
I just love to meet interracial couples=)
Jazakum Allahu Khairan
//Umm Shu’aib
Salam,
After many years in an inter-racial;intercultural, and intergenerational marriage …the bottom line to success is simply loving Allah and being there for the spouse even when the spouse flees from you…people grow at different times..marriage is a refelection of faith. There have to be peaks and valleys..it does add stressors becasuse the roles become magnified..and in-laws are bothresome…if a spouse has reverted the in-laws do not always recognize this…and the children are pulled towards e.g. christmas..there are days when you wonder why and at other times you know it is wonderful…what makes these unions strong are the children…they are just so beautiful..
in summary, these unions are difficult however..if there was only one man and one woman left on earth…in nine months there would be three…
salam…
very good article!i really love it.
im considering a multicultural marriage.
we’re from different part of Asia, studying n met in the UK.we’re thinking of getting married, to prevent bad things to happen, but its not easy.ive experience some of the “before marriage obstacles”.kind of stressfull as people keep reminding us how hard life would be during the marriage, clash of culture etc.i dont know, but we love each other and keep trying to convince our parents.u know, its kind of hard living alone in different country, n i think im mature enough n ready to devote my life for a husband, n unfortunately he’s from different culture.im still in dilemma, i would love some advices.
thanx a lot.
assalaamu alaikum,
i’m arab, my husband is pakistani. the people who “matchmade” us were arabs. the day i mentioned to my father that a friend of mine has suggested a pakistani brother for marriage, “what do you think dad?”, he said ” let him come, we will see him and if there is any good in it may Allah make it easy”. four years later, we’re married and with children, we have ups and downs and the only reasons that stop us from hurting each other knowingly-or not- is Allah, then our knowledge of islam; the laws in the quran and the sunnah of the prophet SAW- the fear that Allah is All-watching and All-hearing.
The times when we do have problems, from children to inlaws, are the times when we are fainling in practicing our religion correctly. At times like that, there is no one to turn to better than Allah for help and then seeking to find answers in the Quran, the Sunnah and by asking the people of knowledge what to do - not the parents or the inlaws - this can cause greater disaster.
For any marriage, inter-racial or cultural to work, there must be fear of Allah in the hearts of both spouses towards other humanbeings. this taqwa begins waaaay before marriage, with other people around you; family and friends. So if you want to start preparing for marriage i suggest you fear Allah regarding all the people in your life right now, and try to fulfill their rights over you right now. This builds you character and your habits and your skills in living with other people. once you get into a marriage, you will see parts of yourself you’ve never knew. The sooner you get aquainted with your self and train your nafs and your desires (from anger and impatience to hardwork and perseverence) the more skill you have to make any marriage work. But at the end of the day, IT IS ALLAH WHO puts love in the hearts of people for one another and it IS ALLAH who makes a marriage work or not. You’ve got to believe that and make ALLAH pleased with you so that He makes you pleased with your marriage and your spouse and your life.
I’ve been studying this topic for a while now. I agree with alot of waht was said. I think people have to learn to look past superficial qualities such as race, etc.. (Which btw mean, that you can still marry someone of the “same race” or “culture”)
But may I ask one thing? Try applying the same logic you used for interracial/inter-cultural marriages to inter-religious marriages. Is it so different? Someone said we are all part of “the Ummah”. Then are we not all human beings? I realize its a taboo topic. But think about it. Don’t get too emotional by what I have just said and let reason guide your way. JazakAllah.
why is it you never see an arab woman with an african/black man?
Great perspective and even greater responses, alhumdulillah. As we’ve seen every situation/experience is different.
The bottom line is: It all comes down to your deen. If you marry someone to whom deen is important then they will let go of cultural norms in order to see the practice of the sunnah flourish in their marriage.
Alhumdulillah I bear witness to that. I myself am Pakistani and my husband is Palestinian. When we are together we make up our own culture. We take what we like and see benefit in from our respective cultures and practice that. Striving to be the best spouse and follow the Deen to the best of our ability is what makes our marriage amazing.
But marriage is marriage, you can be married to someone from your own culture and end up divorcing them for whatever reason.
All I know is that Allah SWT has already written for us our companions regardless of ethnicity. We should just pray that He SWT blesses us with righteous spouses so that we can rectify that state of the Ummah by first starting with our families.
Wasalaam
After reading everyone’s comments I am very pleased to see that muslim brothers and sisters from all cultures are coming together. I have heard it’s easier for Pakistani sisters to marry an Arab brother but very hard for a Pakistani brother to marry an Arab sister, is that true? If any brother or sister could help or guide me on this subject.
Wasalaam
I agree with those who have alluded to the fact that interracial marriages (since skin color doesn’t make the person different in anyway unless their color has made a remarkable difference in their lives *some might argue that for them it has*), are not as difficult as inter-cultural ones.
No matter what color the person is, if you share experiences, beliefs and goals (which is essentially what culture helps form) there is really very little else to separate you.
Let us all stick as closely to the
“culture” of the Sunnah and most of our problems in marriage (and in masajid) will fade. The things that the Quran, the Prophet (sws) and the first three generations did not leave examples or express rulings for are rarely “marriage-breakers”, it is usually behaviors, norms and beliefs that contradict Islam that make such unions difficult.
Wallahu ‘alim.
It’s totally haram to mix races. It’s against
nature. The prohet (pbuh) never married anyone but from his own race. It’s totally
degrading to mix races. Allah knows best.
phantom - could you please elaborate or give us some references?
Asslamo Allaikum,
Islamically there is nothing wrong with marrying someone outside of your ethnicity & in my humble view it would go a long way to bridge gaps and bring various strands of our community closer & that can only be good for the Ummah.
My only reservation is with the “Exotic” nature some of our youngsters seem to view this issue as, mixed-race marriages are fraught with issues, which are adequately discussed (above) and can be overcome (Insha’Allah) with effort; however they are NOT for everyone.
Lastly Kuff (compatibility) in marriage is a concept enshrined and espoused by the Islamic Shariah, and you ignore Kuff at your peril.
salam “Colonel”… I agree, in fact if you scroll up to my first comment, the “exoticness” attraction is definitely a problem in terms of what it ignores in terms of the differences.
Salam Alaikom.
This is a very interesting discussion. I want to marry a pious African american brother, I am of Arab origin. I am having problem with my father with giving a blessing.He uses the Istikhara as an excuse (asit came out bad) but he had’nt given him a chance to present himself. Also he thinks I need to marry equal to me and culture is important…*sigh* what does one do? Please pray for me …and tell me what do you think or speak of experience it would help very much
” i think that a lot of things would be different, for example, in a white/black marriage where both families have been established here for a few generations would probably not experience the culture shock that first generation families would experience, because their ‘back home’ cultures are still a very vivid part of their lives.”
This is true in my case. We faced no opposition from either side of the family, although one person expressed that they would have “preferred” a “same-race” marriage.
We have been married happily for some years masha’allah.
I am in love with a half white, half jamaican brother currently residing in jamaica. however there is a number of complications. first of all he is from a christian background and although my religeon permits me to marry a muslim, christian or a jew i have a keen interest in educating him with Islam. I understand it will be a lengthy process and because of this I don’t want to lead him on. Reason being I am of Indian origin and my family is highly respected in our community. The fact that he is half black would be the worst thing i could do in my mums eyes. She is forever complaining about stress and has very high blood pressure and my family are always using the excuse that my not being married at the age of 26 is a big contributional factor towards her health. I am truly stuck because I cannot imagine being with anybody else and although my religeon eliminates all barriers of race I could never forgive myself if something happened to my mum or if my family disowned me. At the same time I will never stop thinking about him or loving him and If I marry somebody else it will be for the complete wrong reasons.
Can anybody offer any advice?
A see a lot about religion being the thing to go back to in case of a problem. What if the person has different religious preferences like a more Salafi perspective vs Ikhwani point of view to Islam. Different methodologies…
pointwelltaken - that’s a good issue, but that’s something that’s not unique to interracial marriages.
Allahu Alam but it sounds more like an issue that needs to be worked out before actually marrying someone
i would think though, that a couple with some level of respect for the deen would be willing to compromise on a solution thats proven to them from quran/sunnah
Assalamu Alaikum Wa Rahmatullahi Wa Barakatuhu
My husband sent me this link. He thinks women can express their feelings easier than men. He might be right about that …. Although he is only 29, my husband is a very wise man so I am not going to argue about that.
My friends once told me: Just close your eyes and get married, you are almost 28 and you are living in a Non Muslim country!”
Now let me tell you more about my husband: he is a wonderful brother, following the Quran and Sunna, praying at the majed, fasting; he is kind and funny, gentle and patient, intelligent and beautiful, both outside and inside.
Briefly: he was exactly the man I wanted to marry with, but … according to my friends I wasn’t in the position to chose because of my age.
Well, we prove them wrong! My husband is a wonderful man and I didn’t close my eyes at all. I questioned him during 3 days, the way a mother in law would question his future son in law.
You might say we are both crazy but right after 3 days he proposed and I said “yes”. After a month we were both in front of the imam getting married.
I guess you already started to ask yourselves what has that to do with the subject.
Well …. My husband lives in US and I live in Romania.
I bet you are still asking yourselves … my husband says I’m always assuming things. LOL He thinks that’s a Romanian habit.
The conclusion: Actually I’ve got no conclusion… This man just made me the happiest woman on earth that’s the only conclusion I can take.
I could say our marriage exceed the bounds of our countries … just to be on topic. You know … I could actually say that; because my husband crossed the ocean in order to see me; …. but … would it be right to say that?
Does Islam know boundaries? Aren’t we all brother and sisters in Islam?
Now for the “interracial” syntagm….
Why do we even use this word in the first place? The word itself divides us in different races and colors. We should divide ourselves in sisters and brothers or better in Servants of Allah T’Ala.
In case you still want to know what has that to do with the “topic” … well my husband wasn’t born in US he was born in Ethiopia and I’m Caucasian.
I just told you this because I didn’t wanted you to think I am out of “topic”.
Anyway … I do not think in these terms. I found a wonderful brother and I married him because he was good Muslim.
Our families were both happy for us. And the question they asked was not “Is she African- American?” they only asked: “Is she Muslim?”
What did our friends said? Well, with our friends was a little bit different …
Well, they said many things … but I must confess they are all right about one thing: We will have beautiful kids together, Insha-Allah!
I truly hope I am not offending anybody in here.
This is just the way I am! I just hate to divide people. We don’t have different colours and different races, but we do have different backgrounds and cultures and most important we are all the subjects of The Almighty.
La illaha illa’lah. Muhammadun Rasoullu’lah.
May Allah Reward us all!
Your brother and sister in Islam: Abdourahman and Latifa
Jazakumallah khair abdourahman and latifa for the wonderful story. May Allah keep both of u very happy content with each other.
Assalamu Alaikum
My advice for angel_x:
I think you gave the response youself:
“my religion eliminates all barriers of race”.
Just look into your heart sister and you will see the answer. I you don’t find the strenght to put that into your own words just read my post to your parents. I am a convert too and my husband was born Muslim, we complete eachother he is patient and teaches me, Mashallah, we prayed together and he is always willing to answer at my questions related to Islam.
I wish you all my best, may Allah guide you. Just look into your heart and pray for guidance. ( Istikhara Prayer)
Assalamu Alaikum, sorry for my spelling I was in a big hurry.
On the 6 th row of the abbove post pls read If instead of the first “I”. I guess I was too excited about the topic.
I know I also made some mistakes in the first post too, lol, my husband said I am very excited when I am writing about something I like.
I’ll try to be more cautious insha-Allah.
May Allah Reward Us All
Assalamu Alaikum
Im a 21year old pakistani girl, who really wants to marry a somali. My mum and dad would never let me marry him, i have not actually talked about him to my parents but this is something which would be totally out of question. I am also hesistant to even tell my parents about him because of the reaction i would get. Personally, I dont see a problem at all, with us both being Muslims Allhamdulilah, but i pray my parents accept him Insha’Allah
(Please pray for me) If anyone has any suggestions please post them..Thankyou.
For long as I can remember, my mother would tell me and my siblings ” Not to take the easy way out of life. Her statement made me think about being a college where after attempting to avoid math and science classes, I eventually would be forced to take( and for the record, they were never my favorite classes, nor the strongest areas in academics).
Let me also tell you a little bio about my life and remind some of the critics why they should run away from life’s problems. I grew up in a majority racially mixed neighborhood in the outskirts of Atlanta, Georgia. Even though there are some people who view any part of the deep South as a haven for racist( which I don’t think is an accuate depiction of the South ), My experience with my White and non White neighbors were positive. Ironically, with my people , they were far negative because the thought that I was too” White” for them. That is one example I dealt with in my past let give you some others:
1) I was the victim of a violent crime by a Black man
2) My paternal grandmother made me feel less than a human because she was ” “colorstricken”, praised long so called ” Good hair and in general she was stuck on weight for cosmetic reasons and didn’t high hopes for me
3) My parents wen’t through a embarrasing divorce in which my afther remarried his current wife because of money( he took the easy road out with another African American woman, that what his example was)
My feelings about my own people had gotten so bad until I told my AA mother that I didn’t want to marry an AA man because of all of this and I was sooo sure that no Black man would marry a Black woman who didn’t resemble Vanessa Williams , that grandmother praise on women like her or that one would walk out on me at one point I would intentionally put myself in racially mixed environments, churches, schools, you name it, I wanted to be mixed.
I’m now in my late thirties and since then, I glad to say that I no longer harbor those feelings. Honestly, those were some fairly hard times for me and if there is anybody who should be oppposed to marrying Black men it should have been me. I could have went through life with anger , sadness and depression for life, but I chose to fight my battles. I didn’t want to take the easy road inl life because eventually it will catch up with with you.t’s the same with interracial marriages. No matter what race you’re spouse is , you’re not going to escape life problems and if you want your marriage to last you’re going to have to commit and respect your spouse( unless you’re experienceing abuse) that’s the bottom line.
I got over my prejudice/fear of my race because I was making myslef looking like a fool. It would be like ” What color did I think I was?” I also came to my senses to realize that no every person was like the the people I mentioned on my post.
Although I lived in a mixed neighborhood and was exposed to many different cultures in my life if there is one thing that I’ve learned from it is that you get to see the truth about poeple and the truth is that I seen the good/bad/ and the ugly in all of them. No man were no better or less than each other.If there are people who want to intermarry because they are in love with the person as a whole that is all good, but if it is because they want to gain one’s friendship or to pass their kids of as another race, I have problem with it. I wouldn’t want a man to fall in love with me because of my Blackness. It would be based on pretense and not the real thing.
Alhamdulillaahi for this nice topic. I’m happy to know that muslims are willing to marry outside their cultures. I’m just wondering, if people in an intercultural marriage decides to relocate to their native country (husband’s), how easy is this for the wife? Take for instance, a black african man who takes his arab wife to live in his native country, say Ghana. It might usually be easy to ignore all the external factors while you are both in a foreign country. We all know what happens in our native countries whereby it is usually hard to marry from a different culture even within the same country, so I am thinking what will happen if it is from another country entirely? Has anybody gone through this experience?
“one thing that I’ve learned from it is that you get to see the truth about poeple and the truth is that I seen the good/bad/ and the ugly in all of them. No man were no better or less than each other.”
Amen!!!!! This issue is always so interesting for me and I really think such an important for societies. While I relaize that sometimes marrying outside ones culture or country might casue stress and anxiety, I do feel it is a good thing. I agree with Peaches that one should not consider marriage to someone “only” because she/he is from a different culture, but I also think it is wrong to totally reject someone for these reasons. The great Dr. King jr. (MLK) stressed how content of a individual’s character was of great importance. We all know stero-types and prejudices exist in every community and every country. We also know sometimes our families are the guiltiest and perpetuating this. but Peaches brings up an interesting point when she heeds the advice of “not taking the easy way out”. For her it was realizing there was nothing wrong with her race. For others it might be there is nothing wrong for a Algerian to marry an Uzbek or a Persian to marry a desi. Of course our families worry about us and feel that it is “safer” to marry within our community. But just beacuse you are a Somali doesn’t mean you will be a bad husband to your Afgan wife. And just beacuse you are a well educated European also doesn’t mean you will be a respectful husband. We were born within our community…. (me into an American family of Irish heritage). But being Irish doesn’t say much about who I am. Nor does being American. It is not how we look or the words we say, but the actions of our daily lives. These actions and the content of our character can’t be measure in skin color or the country we were born.
(Acknowledgement: I realize that dating and finding out about a person is very different than the traditional way of having your family find a suitable partner for marriage. But as I have not expereinced this, I plead ignorance. But I do have expereince dating women from other cultures and countries (and religions). I have seen how bringing these people into your circle (family/freinds) can slowly start to change prejudices people may have had.
has anyone got any suggestions about what i have said previously?
Muslimah B: I suggest you listen to your parents. They have a lot more wisdom than you and have much more experienc in the world. I am someone who didn’t listen to my parents and I regret it. You have no idea how difficult marriage is. Very few people can handle interracial marriages, its best to marry someone who is similar to you in culture, economics etc. You want to be in this for the long haul, 40, 50 years. Trust me, you should want your parents approval, you will need their support once married.
Think hard about what you want in a mate and ask your parents to help you find a brother who meets both of your approval.
Thanks for your advice anon ummi. But i am certain i want to marry this guy. I just want some advice as to how i could approach my parents about this. My parents think extremely backwards, therefore right now i know what the answer will be, they would not even acknowledge my feelings and my desires, even though he was the perfect man i could marry, it wouldnt be possible due to the fact he is out of the family.
I know interracial marriages can carry alot of problems but at the same time i wouldnt want to be married to someone who i am totally unhappy with, and i certainly do not believe it when people say, you will begin to love the person once you get married. I dont see why anyone should have to do such a thing when you are already in love with someone and all it needs is your parents to accept. Plus my parents dont believe in out-of-family marriages, im definitely not marrying a relative!
This is very stressful for me. I just need strong advice and support. Insha’Allah. Ameen.
Sis Muslimah, have you tried talking to your local Imam or Sheikh for some advice on your situation?
Thankyou for your reply AnonyMouse - Well it is something I have recently been considering, but alot of my family and friends, including my father go to my local Mosque. Im not sure how to go about it if I was to go to another Mosque in another area and speak to an Imam/Sheikh there? :S
Even so, I highly suggest getting into contact with the Imam/Sheikh in your area… al-Hamdulillaah, they usually have the wisdom to put aside their personal relationships with whoever’s involved (i.e. your father), and to give good advice about the situation.
Just lay out the facts, and see what he has to say about it… I hope all goes well for you, insha’Allah!
(P.S. Don’t forget Salaatul Istikhaara!)
muslimah_b make istikharah about it and talk to an imam about the situation, i think someone who knows your father might help because they will have more knowledge of the situation.
Sequoia,
Thank you for your response . The more I look at those words in my post, the more ashamed I’am of them. Back then ,I was blinded by them. At that time,I could never see the rainbow because of this. Although my mother attempted to instill pride in me I just could never see it because the ill treatment seemed too great as I was too weak in handling them at that time. There were what I would call “contradictions of pride”as my some of folks on my father’s side are pro-Black, but then the color/hair jazz came up. I wondered and struggled how to love my African-American heritage when they seemed to be disrespectful of it?
Far as my family background. my mother side it is diverse. There are people who are interracially,interculturally married others and a couple of them who have been married to people disabled and of different social backgrounds. Far as myself, I’ve never dated interracially, but have dated an West African native and have been approached by guys of his culture,my culture and of other races( You said that you have never dated. That is ok. as you said that you are from another cultural background. Far as myself, I haven’t dated in for a long time as finding a husband isn’t on my top of my priorities at the moment).
Right now, I’m just trying to do my get my priorities in order.My mother’s friend insist that I need to date, but when I tell them I’m not up for dating, she thinks it is because of their racial backgrounds as the guys that she want to set me up with are AA’s but that is far from the case.
To me, if you date, that means somewhere down the line you eventually want a spouse. I’m not interested in dating because I’m not interested in finding one. As I mentioned , my priorities are not in order and I would not able to make a very good spouse if they weren’t all together,( or vice verse, I would want those same qualities in him). I’m no longer an innerracist as it a form of self disrespect, but I would feel the same about guys no matter what background they derive from . I’ve been approached by non-Black guys or Black and I’ll tell you what, you couldn’t get some of them to take me out to a dilapated juke-joint if they wanted to because some of their poor qualities that I seen in them, but then there were also some that acted like real gentlemen, that I politely turned down .I feel that if God wants me to have a good man in my life in his own mysterious way he will let me know and if he just happen to be of my background or of a different one, I will open the door to him. That is how I see it.
Thankyou AnonyMouse and Ibnabeeomar for your advice - I really appreciate it.
I have had alot of people who know of my situation tell me that this marriage is not going to work out due to the fact that he is Somali and myself Pakistani. This i think is a very lame excuse!
I have alot of faith in Allah(SWT) to make this work. Insha’Allah
I will speak to my local Imam and pray Ishtikarah Insha’Allah, can anyone outline exactly what this prayer consists of? I have an idea, but i need to be sure.
Please reply..Thankyou
you can go here for more information on istikharah inshallah:
http://www.islaam.net/main/display.php?id=608&category=7
I am an African American woman married to an Arab man. I have experienced racism but from other Arabs. I just stay away from those people. Beacause at the end of the day you have to live your life. No one can live your life for you
@Muslimab_B: I say sit your parents down and just tell them. If they still don’t approve just follow your heart. Your parents can not live your life. The only one that can make you happy is you. If I had listened to other people I wouldn’t have married my husband. He is the best man I have ever met. He still has his flaws but his good out weighs his bad. We mainly argue about cultural stuff. I was born and raised in America and he was born and raised in the Middle East. A lot of things I don’t understand or get but I compromise. He has even went to church with me and we were married a second time in the church. He is also Muslim. An interracial marriage is hard an intercultural marriage is hard. But both well it is very trying. LOL I married him after 3 weeks of knowing him. So a lot of the arguments are because we are still getting to know each other. I encourage everyone to get to know the person and their family if they are willing. If not follow your heart. Because I can say if I am not happy I have no one to blame but myself and would never say what if I had married him. I made the decision for myself and didn’t let anyone influence me.
Thankyou ILoveMyArabHusband for your reply and advice, it is very much appreciated.
That is what i have planned to do when the time is right, but i am very very nervous, anxious and scared about approaching my parents.
Another factor which will make this situation worse for me is the fact that this man i want to marry is an ex-prisoner, and also not very educated and therefore is finding it very hard to find a job. I have spoken to my friends who said Islam doesn’t say that one quality you have go to look for in a marriage a partner is wealth, and whether they have a good job or not. Obviously it is going to effect things, but Insha’Allah Allah(SWT) will help him find a good job, even if it is just to out food on the table. Im not expecting a luxorious life from my marriage partner.
But my parents will definitely look at his job and what he does in life.
Allahmdulilah i have got to know this man well so that is not an issue. It is just telling my parents about it.
And it is true what ILoveMyArabHusband said about it is only me that can make me happy, its what i desire that will make me happy not my parents choice.
I just pray my parents will accept him Insha’Allah (please pray for me brothers and sisiters) I am in a difficult situation.
Any more advice is most welcome.
Thankyou Ibnabeeomar for the link on Ishtikarah.
I am very greatful for everyones replies and advice.
Muslimah_B, as a Muslim woman, you do need the blessing of your father. That is a requirement that is instituted in Islam for the protection of women. While it is not a requirement for Muslim men to get the permission of their parents, you will hardly find a scholar who will encourage marrying without the parents’ consent.
From life experiences and talking to married people, I can tell you that there is a thing called “pre-marriage romance”, where everything looks fine as long as you can get to marry the person. That is why Islam discourages non-needed or superfluous interactions with the opposite gender because of what this may lead to, such as romantic feelings, emotional involvement and in many cases, physical engagement in forbidden actions.
I know its tough to see this at this time, with all the emotions, but your parents would be correct to feel worried about a person with prison background, they would be correct to question his education, they would be correct to ask about his finances. If you were the parent yourself, would you have done differently? Wouldn’t you want to ensure that your daughter marries someone who can support her? Emotionally and financially?
I can also tell you, from experience, that education is not just a way to better finances and livelihood. Education makes a person a better human being. It provides a person with different perspectives and teaches a person how to be a social creature he/she needs to be. There is usually a huge gap of understanding and perspective between an educated and uneducated person. Of course there are exceptions, but why risk it?
I am not patronizing you sister. I am just providing you an important 2 cents that there is much more to life than having strong emotions for a person. Trust me, emotions can dissipate in a matter of weeks when reality hits. When a person has to struggle day to day, then all the feelings of love can vanish, replaced by anxiety and hard-feelings.
So, my advice: sure, go talk to you parents. But then listen to them. You need their permission anyway, and they will only be thinking the best for you (after all, they have raised you, and have nothing to gain in hurting you). If they do not consent because of education and work, AND you really don’t want to leave this person, then tell him to GET educated, to GET a job, if he really cares for you. But then avoid contact with him to prevent further entanglement. If he really cares for you, he’ll do what it takes to marry you. Pay attention to the advice of someone who’s been there, done that (anon ummi).
wallahualam
Muslimah_B: I am begging you, DO NOT DO THIS!!!! You have absolutely no idea what you are getting yourself into.
Here is the reality of having a husband who is an ex-con and not intelligent.
1. Can not find good housing or job because of background checks and due to lack of intelligence can’t find a decent job.
2. Instability as this person never grew up in a stable environment and does not know how to run a household
3. Domestic abuse as most likely he will have a short temper, again because he has never dealt with real issues in a mature manner or seen positive examples.
4. Your children will inherit his intelligence, most likely they will never be able to do higher education and will be relegated to being poor or struggling financially.
5. Your children will be looked down on in the community one for being mixed but also because of the fathers reputation.
6. You will not have respect for him because of his lack of education. Trust me a woman has to respect her husband which is why its best to marry a man who is the same class or higher. This is an Islamic concept of Kuff or compatibility.
The man you want to marry should marry someone with the same background and issues. Or he should wait until he has proven he can be a good husband by going back to school for qualifications or starting a successful business with money in the bank before you marry him.
You have no clue what this type of marriage entails. I have seen case after case of naive girls who think they are in love and now four or five kids later are so depressed and regretting the marriage.
The only way interracial/cultural marriages work is if the spouses come from the same class and background or if the man is wealthy. And the parents are open to it so that you dont cut off ties.
You are risking cutting ties with your family for a marriage that most likely will not last. Who will support you when you get divorced with mixed race children, you will have a very hard time getting married.
I am from African background by the way so this not based on racist belief but inside knowledge of seeing several marriages like this. Its a very difficult road and you should think long and hard because it will not be easy at all. Is all that worth it for the fleeting feeling of love?
Thankyou Amad and anon ummi for ur replies.
I have started to feel scared about what you have said. I WANT TO MARRY HIM NO MATTER WHAT. Its for my future and happiness isn’t it? - I know the partener my parents choose will be in the family as this has been the tradition all the time, everytime. I am one person who does not agree with them marriages. To be honest the thought of it is pretty disturbing.
anon ummi the 6 reasons you gave me as to why i shouldnt marry him, i didnt agree with all of them. I thought some were actually stereotypes. I have copied what you have said and responded to what i thought of that.
1. Can not find good housing or job because of background checks and due to lack of intelligence can’t find a decent job.
His parents have actually bought a house for us already, his sister and husband are staying there too. The job bit i agree with, but Insha’Allah he will find a job.
2. Instability a