Family and Community

Mama can I get Unlimited Internet on my iPad and other Internet Safety Issues

Published

April 17, 2013

The fact is that 93 percent of kids are online.

Even if parents limit or ban internet access, kids have access at school, through a friend’s smart phone, libraries, and schools.

The internet is a tool that our children need to use and master with wisdom dispensed by parents. We need tech-savvy youth who will grow up to be leaders of the Muslim community.

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Many schools use a websites such as EdModo to connect students and teachers. My friend Reem is the vice principal of an Islamic School. She says that many teachers assign work from school that children need to research online. Some of the best homeschooling resources are online.

Far too many parents do not allow their children monitored access to the internet, leading to two scenarios. Their children end up lying and using it behind their back; or are so sheltered that they do not know how to conduct themselves online when they finally do get access.

On the other hand, more often then not, there are parents who freely give unmonitored access.

It is very easy to walk into the Big Box store and order the shiny device that your children have been haranguing you for so long. ‘Baba, Google Glass is here and everyone at Sunday school is getting one” and sure enough many of us will rush out to buy it to keep up.

But then what?

Far too many parents do not know how to use the devices that they gift to their children. There are also other issues that caretakers raising children in today’s world need to think about.

How does a parent know if their child is engaging in inappropriate Internet activities?
How would a parent know if their child is cyber bullied if he does not tell them?

These are conversations that we need to be having with our circle of friends when we meet over tea, dinner or halaqas.

According to Common Sense Media, “Young teens don’t yet have an “off” switch in their brains. That means that they often act impulsively. This lack of impulse control combined with online anonymity could lead toward dangerous behaviors: cyber bullying, inappropriate photo or video uploads, illegal downloads, meeting strangers — even cheating. Because socializing is so important to young people, online interactions can become pretty intense – whether they’re playing games, chatting with friends, or sharing work.”

Using open communication and thoughtful intervention, Muslim parents can help their wired offspring learn how to maneuver electronic gadgets and the world wide web. Here are some tips on how to give children monitored access to the Internet.

Spend time with your children online.

Ask to see their Facebook page, their Instagrams, Tumblr, We Heart It and Twitter feed. The point isn’t the site but keeping the lines open so your child can tell you if they have one. It may seem like a foreign territory, but it is imperative that parents talk to their children about social media. At this stage, it is not our job to try to protect them by isolating them. It is our job to teach them how to deal with information and with people.

“If you dont have an instagram you are considered a loser” 12 yr old.

Parenting experts do not recommend Facebook or Twitter for middle schoolers, no matter what they tell you. Once the child has an email account, they can open an account on any social media site they want. Always have access to your child’s email account. If they change the password, confiscate the device. I don’t check every email my daughter gets but she knows that I can drop in and check her account randomly whenever I want. And I do.

Younger children often play on websites such as Club Penguin, Poptropica, Fantage, Movie Star Planet, Moshi Monsters and new ones pop up every day. Most if these sites teach extreme consumerism as children ‘play’ to accumulate points or currency and use it to ‘buy’ stuff: furniture, VIP passes, etc.; urging your child to become ‘Rich and Famous.’ As responsible parents,we need to prevent children from becoming mindless consumers.

“It’s unfair that V.I.P. members get so much stuff”- 7 yr old

If you do allow your child to visit these sites, then watch them while they play. Teach them not to talk to or chat with random strangers. That person with named Girlie45 could, possibly, be a middle aged predator.

Teach them that everything that they put online is there forever. Anyone can cut, copy and paste pictures and text.

Common Sense Online Safety

Install monitoring software.

You may want to use safe-search settings or filtering software for younger kids. McAfee and other virus protection program have built-in software. These notify the parent of every site that a child visits. Tell children upfront that their online activity is monitored. Remind them that Allah is watching constantly and the angels are writing everything down. Parents can always check browser histories to see where your kids have been. This may seem contrary to the “La tajassusu, don’t spy” hadith, but just as watching your children’ behavior offline does not fall into this category, neither does the online world.

Place the family computer in a public place.

Don’t give children laptops that they retreat with into their rooms. If they have access to a laptop then ask them to use it around the family. Add passwords to all adult computers and set your screen to ask for the password after being idle for a few minutes.

We learned this the hard way when one of the adult laptops was left accessible and one of our kids googled an innocent term. It took one sec but what she saw was enough to send her hiding under bed. It was traumatizing but it could have been much worse.

In figuring out how she got there we found out that websites contain a list of index words Internet search engines use these index words to provide surfers with related sites. Many children’s Internet sites include “toys,” “dollhouse,” “girls,” “pets,” “Beanie Babies,” etc. Teen sites might include index words such as “NBA,” “sports,” “boys,” “cars,” etc. Porn sites use these innocent index words to lure the young and that is how searching the Internet using these words can take children to porn sites. Read more about this here. 67% children have been exposed to some version of adult websites.

This forced us to use precautions on our computers but most importantly we realized that we would have to talk to our children (continually) so they only open approved sites and even if they do open a page like that by mistake they should have the wherewithal to get out of there as fast as possible.

Use the “Walk By” Rule: This is a Dr. Borba favorite of mine.

Emphasize that if, at any time, you walk by and see your child covering the screen, switching screens, closing programs, quickly turning off the computer, or not adhering to your family rules, pull the plug. End of argument.

Help kids think critically about what they find online.

Young people need to know not everything they see is true, everything they read is not true. They need to have their Muslim filters on, and these need to be instilled by the parents. As they grow and start forming their own opinions, they may rely on the internet to research viewpoints and these may differ from yours. This means that you need to be available to talk to them about anything that they read or see on the internet about Islam, current events, politics etc.

Set rules about time and place.

Have children turn in the gadgets at night. Imam Tahir Anwar recommends that all devices should be turned in to parents at night for charging, including laptops. Set a time by which all homework and research should be complete. This will teach them responsibility and limit procrastination. Don’t let them Instant Message (IM) while doing homework. Restrict time and sites for online gaming. In our home, WiFi switches off to select devices after 8 p.m., it is easy to set this up through your router. Log into your router, utilizing parental controls shut off access to a particular device according to your personal schedule.

WiFi access should be monitored

And limited on iPods, smartphones, tablets. A point to remember about this is that even if you set limits on your WiFi at home kids can easily get WiFi anywhere it is available. Don’t get them an unlimited internet service, they don’t need it.

Discourage taking their devices

When you are visiting others. I have seen many gatherings where there are 15 kids/youth in a room and all of them are on their own device. No one talks to each other.

Talk, talk, talk. Start a discussion with your child

What are your favorite things to do online?
What is personal information? Why should you keep it private?
What could you do to be safer online?
What would you do if anyone online asked to meet you face-to-face?
Besides me, who do you feel that you can talk to if you are in a scary or uncomfortable situation?

Internet safety basics to teach your child.

Never share names, schools, ages, phone numbers, or addresses.
Never open an email from a stranger – it may contain viruses that can harm a computer.
Never send pictures to strangers or view pictures that strangers send to them.
Keep passwords private (except to parents).
Tell a trusted adult if something mean or creepy happens on the Internet.

Some tips adapted from parenting expert, Dr. Michele Borba’s articles on internet safety. What are your best internet safety tips?

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Hena Zuberi

Hena Zuberi is the Editor in Chief of Muslimmatters.org. She leads the DC office of the human rights organization, Justice For All, focusing on stopping the genocide of the Rohingya under Burma Task Force, advocacy for the Uighur people with the Save Uighur Campaign and Free Kashmir Action. She was a Staff Reporter at the Muslim Link newspaper which serves the DC Metro. Hena has worked as a television news reporter and producer for CNBC Asia and World Television News. Active in her SoCal community, Hena served as the Youth Director for the Unity Center. Using her experience with Youth, she conducts Growing Up With God workshops. hena.z@muslimmatters.org Follow her on Twitter @henazuberi.

30 Comments

Muslimah

April 17, 2013 at 1:33 AM

Assalamu alaikum,

As a preteen who used the Internet inappropriately behind my parents backs and lived to regret it almost more than anything else in my life, I very much advocate the above advice. ESPECIALLY the advice about kids hiding computer screens.

However, you also need open dialogue with your children. And by this I don’t mean just lecturing them, but having actual conversations. What caused me to go behind their backs was because I felt that the rules were too unfair and that my mother wasn’t open to any negotiation.

For example, when I was curious as to the meaning of homosexuality and other terms, I didn’t ask my parents, they would have flipped! I looked it up in the dictionary.

As your children get older (no longer preteen), afford them more trust as they earn it. My parents no longer have access to my email, for example, but they trust me to use it well, and that if they ever flipped through my history there would be nothing inappropriate. Don’t make them feel that you don’t trust them at all.

There is no need of Facebook in middle school whatsoever – I use it to keep in contact with my friends and my peers now that I’m older, but I still have family members online who can see my activity.

Also, finally, perhaps we need to realize that there comes a point in time when teenagers need a little bit of privacy. I know that I have often watched videos on marriage, gender relations, teenage problems etc, but even though there is nothing wrong with seeing these issues discussed, some parents will frown upon it and make me feel that I need to hide it as though I am doing something wrong.

Reply
- Muslimah
  
  April 17, 2013 at 1:35 AM
  
  Also, “help kids think critically about what they read online” is BRILLIANT advice. Yes, your kids will grow up and be exposed to blogs and viewpoints from all over the place – instead of banning them from everything, be available to discuss and explain!
  
  Reply
Moe

April 17, 2013 at 2:28 AM

So you want your computer to be a Big Brother scenario? Sound advice for preteens but as you get older you need privacy. Trust me as someone who lived in a country where the government was Big Brother kids will always know how to hide their online activity whether through proxies or other means. The internet will be the place where their insular world that you may have meticulously crafted will die and there is nothing you can do about that if they are intelligent and questioning. The problem is the internet is full of hyperbole and exaggeration and an implicit pressure to conform. They will be convinced by arguments or be blown away by realties they don’t understand and if you are a technologically impaired parent or a close-minded fool your kid will no longer consult you at all knowing your reaction.
Too bad thinking critically is not a skill we encourage because it can ‘lead us astray’

The internet will be the place where yur kids encounter Islamophobia, they will encounter sites and people dedicated at dismantling the Islamic Faith and Religion in general with arguments you never heard in Sunday School. If the kid has a distaste for religion being all about rules listening to Richard Dawkins or Sam Harris will be a tune to their ears as the never understood Islam to begin with. That is more an issue to older teenagers who are forming their own opinions.

Reply
- broAhmed
  
  April 20, 2013 at 8:20 AM
  
  I think the point here is to build healthy habits while the children are young. Giving completely unlimited and unrestricted internet access to a young child is asking for trouble. You can still teach a child to think critically while reducing their exposure to things like pornography.
  
  Reply
- Hena Zuberi
  
  May 5, 2013 at 2:41 PM
  
  JazakAllah Khayr for sharing your thoughts, Moe. I agree as they grow older that teens need some privacy but not complete privacy. The amount of responsibility and maturity your teen displays should directly correlate with the amount of privacy given to them. If your child doesn’t normally lie, cheat, break rules then privacy can be a reward. But if you suspect something, find ‘evidence’ then you have to step in and snoop. I have no qualms saying this. Some stuff that I have seen happening with youth that I have worked with makes me wonder where are the parents? This line of “I have aright to my privacy & how could you betray my privacy” is bogus, privacy is not a right. They may be hurt but if you give them a heads up and let them know that some thing are just not acceptable then the onus is on them to earn their privacy with good behavior.
  
  Parents also need to know that good behavior doesn’t mean that your child will be an exact replica of you; they will explore, experiment and that is not the end of the world. Doesn’t mean that you are a horrible parent. It just means that your child is developing into te person he or she was mean to be and you are a guide for their soul, not the owner of it.
  
  Another tip: Also most teens who aren’t up to anything bad are just afraid of embarrassment in front of friends so commenting on every post they make, or picture they post will just annoy them. Don’t do that.
  
  Critical thinking is a gift from Allah otherwise we all be chattel not insaan (humans). If parent believe that Islam is the haq (truth) then they should not be threatened by the discourses online they should discuss these ideas with their kids. Why do certain people ave different beliefs, why do the anti- Muslim bigots think this way. Good idea for a follow up post.
  
  Reply
Aly Balagamwala | DiscoMaulvi

April 17, 2013 at 3:45 AM

JazakAllahu Khairin Hena. I am not at the stage where I need to worry about my kids and online safety but in a few years these articles of yours will be essential guides InshaaAllah.

-Aly

Reply
- Hena Zuberi
  
  May 5, 2013 at 2:47 PM
  
  Waiyyaki Aly Bhai, We will probably have to update this post by that time. But start young, esp in Pakistan where there are no parental controls on cable, YouTube ban non-withstanding.:) And Is ee babies with iPads Read about kids going to therapy for excessive internet usage.
  http://abcnews.go.com/Health/toddlers-obsessed-ipads-hurt-development/story?id=18855537
  
  Reply
Janet Dubac

April 17, 2013 at 9:52 AM

Thank you so much for this brilliant post Hena! It’s an excellent read. I am also having problems with monitoring my child’s internet usage and I’am almost short of ideas. This post taught me a lot of ways and I am learning a lot from it. Thank you for sharing this!

Reply
- Hena Zuberi
  
  May 5, 2013 at 2:50 PM
  
  Thank you for stopping by and commenting Janet. Hoped over to your site, we would love to do some joint posts on faith in the public arena. Let me know.
  
  Reply
Umm hadi

April 17, 2013 at 10:23 AM

Jazak Allahu Khair…

Reply
- Hena Zuberi
  
  May 5, 2013 at 2:51 PM
  
  Waiyyaki I hope you share it with as many people as you can.
  
  Reply
carl_dodge

April 17, 2013 at 7:57 PM

The featured image has been changed upon the request from a reader

Reply
- O H
  
  April 19, 2013 at 11:06 PM
  
  Checking the permissibility of such images. Renowned Shaykh Salih al Munajjid of Saudi Arabia has this to say in his site:
  
  http://islamqa.info/en/ref/165186
  
  Reply
  - O H
    
    April 19, 2013 at 11:07 PM
    
    Check if the change is sufficient. Sorry to be annoying!
    
    Reply
- Hena Zuberi
  
  May 5, 2013 at 2:53 PM
  
  JazakAllah Khayr for taking care of that Carl.
  
  Reply
umahmed

April 18, 2013 at 7:11 PM

as-salamu ‘alaikum,

glade the image was changed. i support whoever requested the change. just because “everybody is doing it” doesnt mean Mmatters should jump the bandwagon and put close up shots of sisters on the website. in the past when i requested such for other articles it was not done, so i gave up asking. but glad you all are doing the right thing now :)

Reply
broAhmed

April 20, 2013 at 8:16 AM

The stuff listed is sound advice. With the internet, in a few clicks you can either be reading Qur’aan or viewing pornography; giving children unlimited access is asking for trouble. I’m seeing more and more young children carrying smartphones, which means unlimited access to the internet without supervision, and I just shake my head. Parents need to ask themselves “Does my child really need these things?” without regard for what other parents are doing. Just because other parents are giving their kids smartphones and laptops unsupervised does not mean you need to jump on the bandwagon, especially if you do not have the ability to provide a significant amount of monitoring.

As others have touched on, people will want privacy as they get older but the point here is to help children build healthy habits when they’re young. The hope is those healthy habits will carry on when they get older inshaAllah.

Reply
- Hena Zuberi
  
  May 5, 2013 at 2:59 PM
  
  JazakAllah khayrun for your thoughts broahmed. We think we are not in the rat race, we don’t keep up with the Jones but we sure do try to keep up with the Ahmeds :) when it comes to gadgets. I am sorry I have not replied earlier, I am not good with comments but I will try my best to respond.
  I recently recorded a podcast on this topic with Greed For Ilm and will share it with everyone inshaAllah.
  
  Reply
RCHOUDH

April 21, 2013 at 8:03 PM

Mash’Allah great article and one worth being passed around to those that need it. I just have a question, do you or anyone here know of some reliable monitoring softwares? I once heard of one particular software that woudl automatically shut down the internet after a certain amount of time was up. Does anyone know if this is real?? And just to illustrate how often parents have to be on their toes nowadays, I was helping my daughter do some research online when we came across this diet ad putting a half-naked woman’s body on full display. Out of shock, all I could tell my daughter was to pay no attention to it as we worked. This just goes to show how pervasive these images are nowadays even after you monitor and restrict internet access!

Reply
- Hena Zuberi
  
  May 5, 2013 at 3:16 PM
  
  Assalam alaykum wa rahmatulah RChoud,
  Jazakillah Khayra for sharing and appreciating the post. I see ads for Safenet, uknowkids mines facebook pages and text messages for words that parents preset.
  
  I know some photos that pop up are so disturbing that its a fitnah, I feel bad for our brothers. Alsp parents need to be careful letting their kids use Google search for images.
  
  One Brother on Muslimatters blocks all images that come on his computer. Let me feed you his instructions. I can’t do that as I need them for work.
  My cousin uses K-9; Netnanny is great too. You can use your router to block sites, laptops themselves have settings that you can use. Again depends on the age of the kids so .check out the features that you need.
  
  Reply
Umm Reem

April 29, 2013 at 10:52 PM

Wow Hena, I just read your article mashaAllah. Great advice! Totally agree with everything you said.

As a mother of a teenager and another one turning one soon inshaAllah, I have passwords of all their emails, twitter and tumbler and the list goes on… :)

All their electronic devices, including their smart phones, have parental control installed, and they know about it. Their phones stay with us at night, and the internet goes off from their computers after 9pm (you can set it up like that in the laptops).

But even with all the monitoring we have, we can’t protect our kids 100% or even 80%…It’s a really corrupted world we are raising our kids in. My daughter tells me how innocent words, as you mentioned, lead to some really horrible sites. She loves to bake and she often searches cake recipes on tumbler and people have strange stuff tagged under it, iyyadhobillah.

So in the end, its how much you can communicate with your child really matters. Alhamdullialh keeping a VERY open communication with them has helped tremendously.

And we as parents have to remember that our children will make mistakes, but as long as they feel bad and try harder next time, we have to be their support and encouragement, not someone who criticize them. We have to approach our kids wisely and gently, dropping a reminder here and there…

May Allah give us tawfeeq to be wise and patient and good parents, and may Allah protect our children from the evil of their selves and the evil around them.

Reply
- Umm Reem
  
  April 29, 2013 at 11:00 PM
  
  forgot to add, and the du’a for our children. In our times, it’s the weapon we must use against shaytaan for their protection…we have to prolong our du’as for our kids.
  
  Reply
  - Hyde
    
    April 30, 2013 at 12:31 PM
    
    Certainly for the du’a against the shayteen which seem to flourishing in today’s times. I think SHY alludes to internet websites and the jinns. I mean who is to say who is is really behind some of these “dark & dingy” websites…ah the times we live.
    
    Reply
    - Hena Zuberi
      
      May 5, 2013 at 3:22 PM
      
      Dua is indeed the weapon of the believer. And seriously, I just attended an event at a local masjid, wrote about it here: http://www.muslimlinkpaper.com/community-news/community-news/3350-pornography-addiction-afflicting-youth-adults-say-experts-.html and was blown away; I knew it was an issue but how pervasive it is in communities, in men and women and youth.
      Interesting point about Jinnat and these sites.
      Most of the people who are in this industry are drug addicts, abused, drunk. May Allah keep us all in His Protection.
      
      Reply
      - Hyde
        
        May 5, 2013 at 5:02 PM
        
        Pornography is well beyond the issue, i.e. it is not an elephant in the room like it was 20 some years ago (before I was born); it is a raging clown that I think America has accepted as part of life. Even across the pond, Sister Miriam Francois refers in one of her talks, how a British MP was accused of stealing money to help buy pornography for her own husband! It has become the status quo (just like kufr).
        
        You may block your children from the computer, but you won’t be able to completely stop them, since they will see that stuff at school. The dilemma is to educate them to make them understand why they must not watch them; No because I/You said so is not going to work.
        
        Worse than the Jinnat are the human shayteen, who have accrued the dealings with the dark side. Hollywood, another dark machine, generally has grouped evil into genies and hocus-pocus crazy exorcist stuff. Evil is much more persuasive.
        
        May God protect us and our children (especially our daughters, the gems of the Ummah !).
- Aly Balagamwala | DiscoMaulvi
  
  April 30, 2013 at 7:07 AM
  
  Aameen!
  
  Reply
Hena Zuberi

May 5, 2013 at 3:37 PM

Jazakillah Khayra Habibti-
Definitely monitoring is just a step; we have to teach them to make decisions and think critically. Being bloggers we know the value of the internet but also the perils.
They have to be used to the idea of monitoring as even employers monitor emails, and check Facebook accounts when hiring. They have to know what they say or post could be used against them. They need to know that what
they write/communicate or download in e-mails, on blogs, personal pages, etc.
Those words and downloads could follow them for the rest of their lives and akhirah.
Not only can people print out copies of what they have written, the information,
even if deleted, can become a permanent record on the hard drive.
People can lose jobs, relationships, and careers over it.
Ameen to the duas.
We do our job and let Allah take care of the rest. If they fall then we help them see the lesson in their all and so tawbah and then carry on.

Reply
Hena Zuberi

May 22, 2013 at 5:19 PM

Another interesting read for parents

Teen’s aren’t abandoning Facebook — deactivating their accounts would mean missing out on the crucial social intrigues that transpire online — and 94 percent of teenage social media users still have profiles on the site, Pew’s report notes. But they’re simultaneously migrating to Twitter and Instagram, which teens say offer a parent-free place where they can better express themselves. Eleven percent of teens surveyed had Instagram accounts, while the number of teen Twitter users climbed from 16 percent in 2011 to 24 percent in 2012. Five percent of teens have accounts on Tumblr, which was just purchased by Yahoo for $1.1 billion, while 7 percent have accounts on Myspace.

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2013/05/21/teens-facebook-pew-study_n_3313812.html?utm_hp_ref=mostpopular#slide=more224246

Reply
Hena

September 5, 2013 at 12:29 PM

80 percent of parents don’t know how to check up on what their kids are doing online. Not only that, 74 percent “simply admit defeat and claim that they do not have the time or energy to keep up with their children and hope for the best,” according to the study’s authors. But Steiner-Adair says defeat is not an option when you consider all of the damaging content kids can easily stumble upon online. While interviewing kids for her book, Steiner-Adair says, several teen boys asked her questions about sexual scenes they’d seen online. “They would say, ‘can you help me understand why a woman would want to be choked while having sex? Why would she want to be peed on?’”

Good article: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2013/09/04/ways-screens-are-ruining-your-familys-life_n_3860927.html

Reply
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