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Contacting Your Prospective MSA Spouse: You’ve Found “The One” In Your MSA [Part 4]

Here comes a nerve racking step after you’ve secured your third-party messenger: contacting your prospective MSA spouse!

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So You've Found the One in Your MSA

Here comes a nerve racking step after you’ve secured your third-party messenger: contacting your prospective spouse from the MSA!

Previously in this series: Part 1 | Part 2| Part 3

first contactHere comes a nerve racking step after you’ve secured your third-party messenger: contacting your prospective MSA spouse! You’ve done a lot of work to get here, congratulations on that. Get ready to hand the reins over to your third-party.

Using Your Third-Party Messenger to Make Contact

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Now it’s time to inquire about your potential spouse in a few different steps. You simply ask the third-party you’ve chosen to get in touch with that individual and first ask them if they’re: 1-looking to get married and 2-available to talk to someone for marriage right now. If it’s a yes from that person, then you would ask your messenger to disclose your identity to that person. Then you’ll wait to hear if your prospective spouse is interested in talking to you specifically for marriage. This would imply they could potentially picture you as their spouse as well.

If Your MSA Potential Spouse Says No

If they’re not ready to get married, are talking to someone else, or are not interested in talking to you for marriage, that’s perfectly okay. For the first two instances, you may circle back and check on this person after some period of time through your third-party again. If they rejected you specifically, I’m sorry to hear that. You’ve probably been thinking about this person as your future spouse for some time now.

The worst part is that maybe they know that you “like them” now and you still may run into them through the MSA. It might be awkward, but you’ll figure out how to cope. Look at the bright side! You did a lot of work on yourself. Remember the day you went on a hike and sat on a bench and asked yourself all these intense questions? Not only that, you also faced your parents as an adult looking to get married…you grew into another stage of adulthood. Your parents may be disappointed or even unkind about this particular MSA person not working out. All the stuff you did and went through was really tough, important work. Honestly, it just stinks doesn’t it?

But it’s okay. In time the sting of this rejection will fade. Meanwhile, you can rejoice in the fact that you saved yourself from falling into a haram relationship. Major kudos to you!

Remember–the silver lining you’re looking at in this undesired outcome is that you progressed in your own life. You know you’re ready to get married and your family is supporting you. You’ve reached a new pinnacle in your life and insha’Allah, in time, you will be married to a great person.

This one rejection doesn’t have to stop your path towards getting married. Is there anyone else you or your family can think of that might be a good match for you? Are you ready to start exploring more options? Then go forward!

If Your MSA Love Says Yes: Planning for a Halal Courtship

AlhamdulillahIf the person has expressed interest in talking to you–you’re allowed a few seconds for a touchdown dance and then a sajdah of shukr. You’ve cleared four steps now, my friend! One: getting yourself ready. Two: getting your family’s approval. Three: recruiting a third-party messenger to help you. Four: receiving the green-light to get to know the person you think you want to marry. Wow, look at you! And thank you, Allah!!

The next step would be to figure out some logistics of how you’ll get to know each other and determine whether or not you’d like to marry each other. Check with your family about their preferences and expectations for you in this process.

  • Do they want to meet the person one-on-one with you?
  • Do they want both families to meet?
  • Do they think it’s fine for you to talk to this person over email for a certain length of time?
  • Do they approve of you meeting this person without a chaperone for your initial talks?

Make a Decision: I Do or I Don’t

Go ahead and make a decision and let your third-party messenger know that this is your request on how the arrangement will work for the courtship to progress. Ask the messenger to find out the preferences of the other person and their family as well. If there are differences in expectations, you can have your third-party messenger mediate between you and your families. See, wasn’t it such a good idea to use an older, trusted person? They can be so useful on so many levels!

However you and your families decide to move forward, it’s important for the families on both sides to be involved in some way, shape, or form as you and your MSA beau get to know each other. I’d lastly advise you to keep a timeframe in mind of when you think you’d come to a final decision about each other. Is it a couple weeks of talking or a couple months? Maybe your family is okay with six months? Just make sure that you aren’t in a gray zone for too long. Firstly, you want to keep your relationship as halal as possible to maximize the blessings that your potential union brings. Secondly, if things don’t work out, you want to minimize the damage and heartbreak for both of you because going through this process and not moving forward towards marriage is somewhat akin to a breakup.

Conclusion and Summary of the Courtship Process

I pray your next steps forward, whatever they may be, are blessed and bring you happiness and comfort in the end. This suggested courtship process is meant to steer individuals who may have taken a liking to someone towards marriage and keep them from falling into haram relationships. Revisit parts 1, 2, and 3 for a review of all of the steps.

In Part 5, we’ll go through the good, bad, and ugly real-life stories I know of as case studies to help you learn a little more about courtships within MSA’s or MSA-like groups.

Related Reading:

A Scintillating Secret To A Successful Marriage

How Can NewlyWeds Avoid the Pitfalls of Marriage? | Haleh Banani

 

Keep supporting MuslimMatters for the sake of Allah

Alhamdulillah, we're at over 850 supporters. Help us get to 900 supporters this month. All it takes is a small gift from a reader like you to keep us going, for just $2 / month.

The Prophet (SAW) has taught us the best of deeds are those that done consistently, even if they are small. Click here to support MuslimMatters with a monthly donation of $2 per month. Set it and collect blessings from Allah (swt) for the khayr you're supporting without thinking about it.

Meena is a writer, podcaster, high school English teacher, wife, and new mom. She loves working with Muslim youth and is interested in literature, arts, and culture. She studied Comparative Literature and Creative Writing at the University of California, Irvine and has a Master’s in Education from the University of Illinois at Urbana-Champaign. She briefly dabbled in Classical Arabic studies in the US and is also studying the Asharah Qira'aat/10 Recitations. Check out her podcast and website Brown Teacher Reads: the brown literature circle you always wanted to be in. (brownteacherreads.com)

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