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Gender Relations

A Conversation With a Hooker: Adultery, Sex Addiction and Muslims

Part 1

We are in a mess. We are in a moral and ethical meltdown. No, it’s not lying, cheating, gossiping or anything that is related to the tongue, it’s the other part that our beloved Prophet ṣallallāhu 'alayhi wa sallam (peace and blessings of Allāh be upon him) asked us to safe guard—the part between the two legs.

“Whoever guarantees me (the chastity of) what is between his legs (i.e. his private parts), and what is between his jaws (i.e., his tongue), I guarantee him Paradise.”  [Sahīh Bukhāri]

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 Ten years ago, when a very close friend called me crying, about her husband whom she’d caught watching porn while releasing himself, at first I couldn’t believe what she’d just said. Her husband isn’t just some ordinary Muslim, with his long beard and gazes lower; he’d been one of the most active members of the community, always at the mosque, always organizing lectures, raising his kids with high religious goals. I remember staying awake all night, tossing and turning trying to resolve the controversy in my mind of what was displayed of that brother and what I’d just discovered. These two characteristics couldn’t be combined in one person. I comforted myself, “If he is into porn then he is just not a good Muslim, no matter what he does outwardly.” That was my resolution, because I simply couldn’t fathom how a practicing Muslim man could enjoy the sight of naked women—not just one look—but to the point where he actually releases himself from the forbidden pleasure.

Fast-forward ten years, another sister called me, crying, bawling about her marital issues, confessing, “My husband sees prostitutes.” Her husband is, also, not only a well known young Muslim of the community but someone that practicing Muslim parents would desire for their daughter’s prospective husband. My reaction this time was vastly different; I responded to her matter-of-factly, “It happens sometimes.”

Why had I become so desensitized? What happened within the last ten years that my reaction changed so drastically? Why wasn’t the world coming to an end anymore? Why wasn’t I shocked, surprised, or even slightly moved by emotions? In fact, the minute she started crying and said she was having marital issues, I narrowed it down to two causes, porn or sex addiction.

How unfortunate of a reality check; I was exposed to several cases of devout Muslims suffering through porn addiction, which inevitably led to sexual exploration  beyond monogamy. I don’t like to call it addiction because the level of illegitimate sexual activities varies from occasional slips to being a complete addict. I went from being shocked, to denying that this even existed amongst our communities, to accepting that pornography and sex addiction has now plagued us, leaving our Ummah in a deep sexual mess.

Once acknowledged, I had to understand why it happens and how it happens. That’s when I extended my research. Other than the fact that it is a trap of Shayān, I had to comprehend male sexual psychology. I read extensively about this topic, bought books, read articles, and even consulted a sex therapist who is also a good friend.

Consequently, I learned to accept the fact that a man may be devout in his dīn and, at the same time, he can be involved in the disturbing fitnah of sexual cravings, giving into his carnal desires in a way that doesn’t suit his apparent Muslim identity, yet his nafs agrees to obey his ultimate enemy.

One morning a few years ago, taking a break from my kids, I was enjoying a late breakfast alone at Denny’s when a woman from the next table started talking to me. She was younger, Caucasian, dressed in good ol’ jeans and a t-shirt, seemed like a person I could carry on a conversation with. In the middle of our talk, when I asked her what she does, she quietly said, “I’m a hooker.”

I almost choked on my coffee. I wasn’t sure if I was supposed to continue talking to her or turn away. The irony of the situation didn’t escape me, her and me, on the same table, chit-chatting. I was seriously disturbed, and it took me a few minutes to remind myself that I had no right to judge her and I had absolutely no right to think of myself as superior.

Later during our talk, she asked me about our “multiple” prayers a day. Surprised, I asked how she knew, “Oh, I’ve a lot of Moozlim customers, [Most of my customers are Muslim].”

I was heartbroken, I wish she hadn’t said that, I wish she’d named some other religion’s followers to be her most common customers, but she didn’t. And I didn’t see any reason why she should be lying to me.

“Oh yeah I have plenty of men from your faith come to me, I can tell by their names… [sometimes, I’ve seen them pray] and sometimes they like to talk.” Shocked and ashamed I bombarded her with questions about the Muslim men who were her most common customers. She named a particular ethnicity among the Muslims being really rough (UPDATE: My original line was removed. Rest assured it was never intended to be a racist comment. In fact, it was in defense of my brothers.)

What was I supposed to say to her? That while I want to tell you about my religion, I am ashamed that the men you have the worst experience with, are actually my brothers in faith? Should my brothers even be having any illegitimate relationships with her to begin with?

I felt sick in my stomach, completely grossed out, almost puking… not at her—the prostitute—but at my own brothers!

I don’t understand why I had to run into a prostitute, and why I learned that her common customers were Muslim men—but it happened, and I’m sure that there was a good reason it happened.

Perhaps it helped me realize the extent of this disease spread out in our Ummah, perhaps it made me see the other side or it helped me accept that many Muslim men have another controversial life.

Even if I assume that those brothers seeing that hooker were not practicing enough, I cannot turn a blind eye on those sisters who had shared their personal stories, married to some practicing Muslims, regular masjid attendees, with long beards and high motivations of leading a good Islamic life while some even wake up for qiyām and memorize Qur’ān.

I could not close my ears when a respected shaykh highlighted the fact that we would be surprised to find some of the famous active da’ees  inviting women into their hotel rooms. (This is not meant to make the reader doubt da’ees, shuyukh, and active personalities in the community, or worse, judge them. It’s to bring awareness that this is a growing problem about which we thought our communities are immune to, but unfortunately that is far from the truth.)

I asked myself, could this be happening because we are not raising our sons correctly? But many men suffering through this problem were raised in good Muslim families. A recent case of a hafidh-ul-Qur’ān left me flabbergasted and scared.

What about my son? Am I doing enough to protect him? What can I do to make sure he doesn’t fall prey to this corruption? If so many men in this fitan came from good families, were raised upon high moral values, received a good tarybiyyah at home, then what went wrong?

Desperately, I had a long conversation with my son, appropriate for his age omitting unnecessary details, about this rising fitan in our Muslim Ummah. I was heartbroken that at the tender age of 12, I had to address such an intense issue, but unfortunately that’s the world in which I am raising him. His schoolmates have brought up the juicy details of porn magazines and porn channels, but alḥamdulillāh he asked me about it instead of falling into anything wrong (Allāhu yafadhhu).

He didn’t understand why someone would resort to such disgusting actions. I had to be honest with him, “Girls that seem so icky and unbearable right now to you will turn into some amazing being once your hormones kick in, Shayān uses that attraction to make a person give into their desires, and men end up obeying Shayān.”

Confused, he asked, “How do I make sure that I don’t do any fahash (immoral/indecent)?”

Now that’s the million-dollar question isn’t it?

After seeing the struggle among practicing Muslims—torn between their faith and their carnal desires, struggling to get out yet slipping again and again, hurting themselves, destroying their marriages, making us lose trust, and the destruction that this sin causes for an individual, I can’t just cast it aside. How do we make sure that our loved ones and even ourselves don’t fall into this sin?

Then an answer dawned at me, alhamdulillāh. I was able to look back into his eyes with certainty and respond, “Make du‘ā’ for yourself!” I said confidently. “From this day onwards, develop a habit of making du‘ā’ in every sajdah of yours, ‘Oh Allah please keep me chaste, pure, away from the lewdness, and amongst those who guarded their private parts.’ Start today and if your du‘ā’ is accepted, inshā’Allāh you will be protected because it is only Allah who can protect you from this evil.”

Allahumma ja’alni min at-tayyibeen, wal mutta-tahireen, wal muhsineen, wa ma’al ladheena yahfadhohum fooroojahum.

 

 

Editor’s note: We apologize for the publishing of  the reference to a racial group- it should not have been included despite any good intentions. 

 

 

To be continued…

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The Prophet (SAW) has taught us the best of deeds are those that done consistently, even if they are small. Click here to support MuslimMatters with a monthly donation of $2 per month. Set it and collect blessings from Allah (swt) for the khayr you're supporting without thinking about it.

Saba Syed (aka Umm Reem) is the author of International award winning novel, "An Acquaintance."Saba has a BA degree in Islamic Studies. She studied Arabic Language & Literature at Qatar University and at Cairo Institute in Egypt. She also received her Ijaazah in Quranic Hafs recitation in Egypt from Shaikh Muhammad al-Hamazawi.She had been actively involved with Islamic community since 1995 through her MSA, and then as a founding member of TDC, and other community organizations. in 2002, she organized and hosted the very first "Musim Women's Conference" in Houston, TX. Since then, she's been passionately working towards empowering Muslim women through the correct and untainted teachings of Islam.She is a pastoral counselor for marriage & family, women and youth issues. She has hosted several Islamic lectures and weekly halaqas in different communities all over U.S and overseas, also hosted special workshops regarding parenting, Islamic sex-ed, female sexuality, and marital intimacy.

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There is a cultural misconception that pious Muslim women are somehow disassociated from sex, that sex is a Muslim man’s right, but a Muslim woman’s obligation. Where does Islam actually stand on the sexual rights of women in marriage?

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#Islam

A Primer On Intimacy And Fulfillment Of A Wife’s Desires Based On The Writings Of Scholars Of The Past

*For mature audiences only

This short piece is intended to provide insight on the troubling and detrimental lack of understanding among Muslim men for the necessity and virtue of the female orgasm during sexual intercourse in married couples.  The importance of the female orgasm is substantiated by naṣṣ of Qurʾān, corroborated by the ḥadīth of Rasūlullāh ṣallallāhu 'alayhi wa sallam (peace and blessings of Allāh be upon him) , and has been elaborated upon by the fuqahāʾ throughout the centuries.

Many Muslim sisters have taken it upon themselves to tackle the issue online and anyone who has love and concern for the Muslim community should praise their efforts.  In initiating conversation on this matter, they have shown concern, initiative and courage worthy of the followers of Rasūlullāh .  The benefit which their writings, webinars, round-table talks have provided is obvious to anyone who ponders.  It is a known principle among the fuqahāʾ that knowledge is to be imparted to the masses by order of its need and prevalence of troubles within the masses.

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MuslimMatters has been a free service to the community since 2007. All it takes is a small gift from a reader like you to keep us going, for just $2 / month.

The Prophet (SAW) has taught us the best of deeds are those that done consistently, even if they are small. Click here to support MuslimMatters with a monthly donation of $2 per month. Set it and collect blessings from Allah (swt) for the khayr you're supporting without thinking about it.

The anonymous testimonies of our Muslim sisters are undoubtedly a justification for drawing the attention of our Muslim brothers to what authentic Islām teaches us on the subject.  It is also known among the fuqahāʾ that women are the only legitimate source of information for matters specific to them; such as the different patterns of menstruation and post-natal bleeding.  Consequently, the only legitimate source for determining whether and to which magnitude the issue of reaching orgasm during intercourse is pertinent to Muslim women is the Muslim women themselves.

A synopsis of the most striking among those anonymous testimonials follows:

Testimonial 1: “Being married for 10+ years Alhamdulillah with 3 kids it’s a journey of pain and frustration in terms of sexual life.  I never knew till some 4 years of marriage that there is something called ‘orgasm’ for females.  I simply cannot explain the emptiness it leaves when he just sleeps calmly leaving me aroused once he is done. He feels hurt when I say I too want to be satisfied.  But my requests to all the brothers out there: don’t be selfish no matter how tired you are. If you want to be satisfied every single time of making love, make sure so does your wife too. Your wife will never be emotionally attached to you if you do not satisfy her with your own love and willingness in bed.”

Testimonial 2: “I am 2 years in this marriage and I’m highly dissatisfied. Because I’m outspoken I have told my husband clearly many times that even if he doesn’t want I do. But it only led to fights and more dissatisfaction. He tried to improve but after it had done enough damage already. He loves me, he kisses and cuddles a lot but his appetite for love making is very poor. I don’t feel desired.  We so often hear [sic] that we should not deny intimacy to the husband but why is it not the other way round too?”

Testimonial 3 “In [my first] 5 years of marriage, I’ve orgasmed once with him though I love him with all my heart. I cannot stress on the importance of a female climaxing and reaching an orgasm with her husband because this has saved our marriage [after he realized how important it was]. It brings a couple so much closer. To all you ladies who think sex is a chore, I can guarantee none of you have ever had an orgasm. Had you had a true orgasm you would be pulling him to bed. It’s the best physical feeling ever and melts away the stress.”

These testimonials speak for themselves, and the verses of Qurʾān, aḥādīth and sayings of the fuqahāʾ below will demonstrate their legitimacy.

The Qurʾān unambiguously affirms the presence of lust in both men and women, without distinction:

“Tell the believing men that they must lower their gazes and guard their private parts; it is more decent for them. Surely Allāh is All-Aware of what they do.  And tell the believing women that they must lower their gazes and guard their private parts” (s. 24, v. 30-31).

In Aḥkāmul-Qurʾān, Qāḍī Abū-Bakr Ibn al-ʿArabī (passed away 543 A.H/1148) comments on this verse as follows: “Just as it is not permissible for a man to gaze at a woman, it is likewise not permissible for a woman to gaze at a man; the man’s attachment to her is no different than her attachment to him.  His [lustful] intent from her is likewise identical to her [lustful] intent from him”.  It is noteworthy that Al-Qurṭubī also relays this statement of Ibn al-ʿArabī in his tafsīr.  This then raises the question: if lust is set to be fulfilled through marriage, then what is the purpose and benefit of such fulfillment?

The Qurʾān provides clear guidance as to the importance of a loving marital relationship.  “And it is among His signs that He has created for you wives from among yourselves, so that you may find tranquility in them, and He has created love and kindness between you” (s. 30 v, 21).  The greatest mufassir among the Ṣaḥāba, ʿAbdullāh b. ʿAbbās, contends that “love is intercourse (jimāʿ)” i.e a loving relationship stems from the act of intercourse. It is simply inconceivable for the relationship to be a loving one, if one of the parties to intercourse is dissatisfied.  Mujāhid and al-Ḥassan al-Baṣrī ascribe the same meaning to love as Ibn-ʿAbbās.

The Qurʾān does not detail the requirements of the act of intercourse. That responsibility is carried out by Rasūlullāh .  While commenting on the verse “And We sent down the Reminder (The Qur’ān) to you, so that you explain to the people what has been revealed for them, and so that they may ponder.” (s. 16, v. 44), Al-Qurṭubī explains: “The Rasūl  explains on behalf of Allāh that which He intends in the rules of ṣalāt and zakāt as well as other commands, by detailing such intent where Allāh has provided  statements which are general in nature”.  This leads us to the aḥādīth below for the guidance of men on how to satisfy their spouses during intercourse.

إذا جامع أحدكم أهله فليصدقها فإن سبقها فلا يعجلها خرجه أبو يعلى عن أنس

“When one of you has intercourse with his spouse, then let him be truthful towards her.  If he happens to precede her then he should not rush her” .

Al-Manāwī comments on this ḥadīth as follows: “He should be truthful in his love and his display of good will towards her.  This means that it is commendable for him to make love to her with strength, resolve and make fine love to her”.

إذا جامع أحدكم أهله فليصدقها ثم إذا قضى حاجته قبل أن تقضي حاجتها فلا يعجلها حتى تقضي حاجتها خرجه عبد الرزاق وأبو يعلى عن أنس

“When one of you has intercourse with his spouse, then let him be truthful towards her.  Then if he fulfills his need before her need is fulfilled, let him not rush her until it is fulfilled”

Al-Manāwī comments as follows: “When he has fulfilled his need from her by reaching climax, then-as a matter of merit-he should not impel her to separate from him.  Rather he should carry on with her until her need from him is likewise fulfilled.  This will only occur by her reaching climax and her lust settling.”.

The next ḥadīth praising a woman whose appetite for intimacy is strong, should therefore not come as a surprise.

خيرُ نسائِكم العفيفةُ الغَلِمَةُ ، عفيفةٌ في فرجِها ، غَلِمَةٌ علَى زوجِها

“The best of your women is the one who is modest yet lustful.  She is modest with regards to her private parts (towards strange men) while she is lustful towards her husband”.

Al Manāwī comments as follows: “The modest woman refrains from the ḥarām. For her to be lustful means that her carnal desire is restless. However, such restlessness is not praiseworthy in an absolute sense, as explained by the ensuing part of the ḥadīth i.e she is modest towards strange men”.

The above references in ḥadith literature are not meant to be exhaustive. Other references exist, and the commentators have been consistent in their explanations.

The fuqahāʾ(jurists) in the Ummah have, from very early on, also unapologetically touched on the subject in the most emphatic and direct manner. Some are quoted below to demonstrate such.

In his commentary of Al-Naṣīḥa al-Kāfiya Ibn-Zukrī, a Moroccan scholar who passed away 400 yrs ago (1133 A.H) quotes from Ibn al-Ḥājj (passed away 737 A.H/1336), Imam al-Ghazālī (passed away 505 A.H/1111) and al-Manāwī (passed away 1031 A.H/1621). The quotations below are directly taken from his commentary on al-Naṣiha of Shaykh Aḥmad Zarrūq (passed away 899 A.H/1493). These dates are quoted here to stress on the fact that this subject is not a contemporary one, it is rather a subject that has existed from the very time Muslim scholarship has. What is most pertinent here is the unambiguous language the fuqahāʾ use to get their point across.

“And softness towards the woman, until her fluid mixes with the fluid of the man, is certain to induce love for her and for him as well”.

Ibn-ʿArdūn explains: ‘The author of al-īdāḥ explains: whenever their two fluids blend together at the same moment, it is the utmost form of reaching pleasure, love, affection as well as cementing love. The amount of pleasure and love will be commensurate with how closely in time they blend together’.

The author of al-Iḥyāʾ mentions: ‘And once he has fulfilled his need let him take his time with his spouse until she likewise fulfills her need because her climax may be delayed and to withdraw from her while her lust has been agitated would cause her harm. Differences in patterns of climax inevitably lead to repulsion and discord whenever the husband should reach climax first. It is more gratifying and pleasurable for the woman that she and her husband reach climax simultaneously because  he will be engaged and absorbed alongside her, accommodating thereby her likely shyness [she will enjoy her orgasm without bashfulness]’

In al-Madkhal [Ibn al-Ḥājj] explains: ‘It is fitting for him, when he has fulfilled his need, not to rush to rise because it is among the things which will upset and perturb her.  Rather he should remain agreeable and engaged until he ascertains that her need has been fulfilled.  The intent is to have consideration for her matter because the Nabī  used to advice [men] regarding women just as he used to encourage kindness towards them. At this juncture, it is not possible to show kindness to her without it [the fulfillment of her need]. The man should therefore thoroughly exert himself to achieve that goal, and Allāh will certainly forgive any incapacity’.

Ibn Zukrī then goes on to quote al-Manāwī’s commentary of the two first ḥadiths quoted above.

The author of the Naṣīḥa then goes on to explain, and Ibn Zukrī’s commentary follows:

“And whoever wishes to accomplish that, then let him not come close to her until her breathing becomes intense and her eyes hollow, and that she seeks to remain attached to him; those are signs of her lust having been awakened”

Ibn Zukrī : it is explained in the commentary of al-Waghlisiyya : part of the etiquette of intimacy is to engage in foreplay so that the wife’s heart becomes cheerful and that the attainment of her desire becomes easy. This should be done until the point that her breathing becomes intense, her agitation increases, and she seeks to remain attached to the man, only then should he come close to her [for the act of intercourse].

He continues to say: “Those preliminaries consists in abundant foreplay with her, fondling her breasts and rubbing his penis with her labia”.  Ibn Zukrī explains: the author of the Madkhal explains: ‘When one decides to intimately engage with his spouse, it is befitting for him to refrain from the prohibited behavior which some of the common folk adopt, which consists in approaching their spouses hurriedly. Rather he should not do so until he has played and bantered with her in permissible ways. That includes cuddling, kissing and similar actions, until he sees that she has aroused herself to what he is seeking from her, feels relaxed and takes interest in it. Only then should he approach her. The wisdom of the religious code in this matter is obvious, and it is that the woman desires from the man what he desires from her. If he were to come to her abruptly, he may very well fulfill his need while she would remain upset and her dīn and chastity may be compromised as a result.  If he however does as stipulated, then the matter will be eased for her and her dīn and chastity will be protected’.

End of quotes from Ibn-Zukrī. 

It is clear from the above that the fuqahāʾ have kept within the confines of the Qurʾān and the Sunna and, as is their responsibility, lucidly relayed the information contained therein to the masses, with a full understanding of the pertinence of the subject in society.

This article cannot be complete without mentioning what some of the people of ḥaqīqa i.e taṣawwuf have said on the subject.

Ahmad Ibn Ajība explains, regarding ḥaqīqa: ‘It is derived from the Qurʾān and the Sunna, as well as from the inspirations of the ṣāliḥīn [pious ones] and the spiritual unfoldings [futūḥāt] of the ʿārifīn [gnostics]. The subtle understanding of the Quran and the Sunnah is predominantly found among the ṣālihīn.  Their statements clearly show that.

In his book on the etiquettes of marriage, Muhammad alTihāmī Kanūn (passed away 1915) explains: Abul ʿAbbas Aḥmad b. Yaḥya alWansharīsī says in his abridgment of the nawāzil of alBurzulī: ‘The pious Shaykh AbuBakr alWarraq states: every worldly passion hardens the heart, except the passion of intercourse which in fact softens the heart, which is why the Anbiyāʾused to engage in it’.  It is also mentioned in hadith:

Three things have been made beloved to me among your worldly matters: perfume, women and the coolness of my eyes has been placed in salat’.

In fact, alQurtubi relates the statement from alWarrāq with a prelude explaining how it is said that the desire for intercourse is commensurate with one’s taqwa

Note: We will state the obvious here, that this is true for both men and women, in accordance with what has been stated above regarding their equivalency in the search for carnal satisfaction from one another.

Finally, the author of marginal notes on Tafsīr alJalālayn Aḥmad alṢāwī states: ‘One of the gnostics [ʿārifīn] has mentioned that intercourse is one of the avenues towards reaching [the ma’rifa of] Allāh’.

These last statements from the ṣālihīn should serve as an admonition as well as an encouragement to the Muslim brothers who are lacking in being mindful of their spouse’s sexual needs. They may beg the question: is it a deficiency in taqwā which causes a man to not be mindful of this? It clearly makes the case for an opportunity for spiritual development through the act of intimacy

There are many related subjects which have not been discussed here, as the intent was very specific. However, our brothers and sisters should certainly take it upon themselves to contribute in educating the Muslims on those issues. Issues such as: the need and importance of marriage counseling; how to nurture a good relationship outside of the bedroom; how to address psychological and/or medical issues related to intimacy; how to educate Muslim adolescents (girls and boys alike) on sexuality, etc. There are, alḥamdulillāh, many competent and articulate brothers and sisters who specialize in different fields, and/or have valuable life experience which can be put to the profit of the Muslim Ummah

And we all ask Allāh for tawfīq.

PDF of sources in Arabic with references

  1. Aḥkāmul-Qurʾān, Vol. 3 p. 380
  2. Tafsīr al-Qurṭubī, Vol. 16 p. 412
  3. Idem.
  4. Tafsīr al-Qurṭubī, Vol. 12 p. 329
  5.  Faidhul-qadīr, Vol. 1 p. 325. Ḥadīth n. 548. 
  6.  Faidhul-qadīr, Vol. 1 p. 325. Ḥadīth n. 549.
  7.  Al-Manāwi mentions that this is mustahab, and he is correct.  However, the statement of istiḥbāb is only to encourage this action, in order to avoid harm to the woman.  If she is being harmed by the lack of satisfaction, then it becomes wājib.  
  8.  Faidhul-qadīr, Vol. 3 p. 493. Ḥadīth n. 4093.
  9.  Sharḥ al-Naṣīḥa, Ibn-Zukrī Al-Fāsī, p. 651.
  10.  Reference from Hikam.
  11.  Qurratul-ʿuyūn bi-sharḥ naẓm ibn-Yaʾmūn, p. 48. 
  12. It is worthy to mention here that the commentators of hadith have determined that “three things” is an addition from the narrator as opposed to being the speech of the Nabi SAW.  Salat is not part of worldly matters. The hadith should therefore be: ‘Among your worldly matters perfume and women have been made beloved to me and the coolness of my eyes has been placed in salat’.
  13.  Tafsir al-Qurtubi, Vol. 6 p. 419.
  14.  Ḥāshiya al-Ṣāwī, Vol. 3 p. 204.

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