Connect with us

Uncategorized

For Brothers Only….Seriously: Stop, Look, and Listen

Published

By Abdul-Qadir Kazeem

You are having a wonderful day. The sun is out, there is a nice breeze, and you are reading your favorite book on the porch. Nothing could possible ruin this moment.

BUUZZZZZ!!!!!

Keep supporting MuslimMatters for the sake of Allah

Alhamdulillah, we're at over 850 supporters. Help us get to 900 supporters this month. All it takes is a small gift from a reader like you to keep us going, for just $2 / month.

The Prophet (SAW) has taught us the best of deeds are those that done consistently, even if they are small. Click here to support MuslimMatters with a monthly donation of $2 per month. Set it and collect blessings from Allah (swt) for the khayr you're supporting without thinking about it.

Right in your ear. A fly. Now you have to waste 5 minutes in battle with it as it tries to land in your ear over and over. You know what is interesting about this situation? The fly could have been sitting next to you for several hours, and you did not notice it until it came and buzzed in your ear. Now is when the presence of the fly matters.

You know what else is interesting about this situation? This is how many brothers treat their wives. They only notice them when they are trying to ‘bother’ them. This could possibly bring up feelings of resentment in your wife, the fact that the only time you seem to be interested in her is when you need something from her, or when she bugs you. This is actually one of the three A’s that women need: attention. Women need attention to feel that they matter to you. As a matter of fact, everyone needs this, to feel that they matter to someone. It was said that one of the greatest gifts you can give a loved one is effective listening. One of the things that lets someone know you are listening attentively is when you actually stop, look, and listen:

STOP:

Stop whatever you are doing. Block out everything else. What the speaker has to say is all that matters at the moment.

LOOK:

Make eye contact with the person to let them know you are paying attention.

LISTEN:

Let them know you are listening by head nods, verbal queues (yeah, uh huh), etc.

This is especially true when you are in an argument with your wife. If you both insist on talking and not listening, this is a collective monologue. You are either speaking or preparing to speak, which will get you nowhere. Make it a point to sincerely listen your wife’s point of view, and repeat back some of what was said to show that you understand. This will save you time and prevent putting more strain on the relationship (She never listens to me!!! She never tries to see things my way!!!). Even if you do not get your way when there is a clash, you are more likely to be content with the result if you felt the other person listened and understood your point of view.

So, my dear brothers, the next time you come home from work (I know I know, you had a hard day and you are tired), and your wife comes up to you with a big smile and starts to tell you about her wonderful day, what should you do? Stop. Look. Listen.

Keep supporting MuslimMatters for the sake of Allah

Alhamdulillah, we're at over 850 supporters. Help us get to 900 supporters this month. All it takes is a small gift from a reader like you to keep us going, for just $2 / month.

The Prophet (SAW) has taught us the best of deeds are those that done consistently, even if they are small. Click here to support MuslimMatters with a monthly donation of $2 per month. Set it and collect blessings from Allah (swt) for the khayr you're supporting without thinking about it.

73 Comments

73 Comments

  1. abu Abdullah

    March 16, 2010 at 6:19 AM

    Salamualaikum,

    Beautiful. Definitely being in Ghaflah always ruins. Is there a way proven and tested way to keep one remind much needed things (zikr of Allaah, rights of people under us etc) we often forget? And most importantly what about the ikhlas thing.

    Because Islaam allows to lie between spouses to maintain a healthy relationship and am not really that good in lying.

    Nevertheless, advise you gave is very beneficial. Jazak Allah khayr.

    • Abd- Allah

      March 16, 2010 at 7:56 AM

      ‘Awn ibn Abi Juhayfah narrated that his father said: the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) established brotherhood (mu’aakhah) between Salmaan and Abu’l-Dardaa’. Salmaan visited Abu’l-Dardaa’ and noticed that Umm al-Dardaa’ appeared scruffy and unkempt (this was before the aayah of hijaab was revealed). He said to her, What is the matter with you? She said, Your brother Abu’l-Dardaa’ has no need of this world. Then Abu’l-Dardaa’ came (to visit him). He made some food for him, and said, Eat. [Abu’l-Dardaa’] said, I am fasting. [Salmaan] said, I will not eat until you eat. So he ate. When night came, Abu’l-Dardaa’ went to pray qiyaam, but [Salmaan] said to him, Sleep, so he slept. Then he wanted to get up for qiyaam, but [Salmaan] said, Sleep. When the last part of the night came, Salmaan said, Now get up. So they prayed, then Salmaan said to him, Your Lord has a right over you, your soul has a right over you and your wife has a right over you, so give each one his due. He [Abu’l-Dardaa’] went to the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) and told him about that. The Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said, “Salmaan is right.” (Narrated by al-Bukhaari, 1867).

      ‘Abd-Allaah ibn ‘Amr ibn al-‘Aas (may Allaah be pleased with them both) said: the Messenger of Allaah (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said to me, “O ‘Abd-Allaah, have I not heard that you fast all day and pray all night?” I said, yes, O Messenger of Allaah. He said, “Do not do that. Fast and break your fast, pray qiyaam and sleep, for your body has a right over you, your eyes have a right over you, your wife has a right over you and your visitors have a right over you. It is sufficient for you to fast three days of every month. For every good deed (hasanah) you will be rewarded tenfold, so that will be like fasting for an entire lifetime.” But I went to extremes and made things hard for myself. I said, O Messenger of Allaah, I can do more than that. He said, “Then observe the fast of the Prophet of Allaah, Dawood (peace be upon him), and no more.” I said, What is the fast of the Prophet of Allaah, Dawood (peace be upon him)? He said, “Half a lifetime.” After he grew old, ‘Abd-Allaah used to say, I wish that I had taken the easier option which the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) offered me. (Narrated by al-Bukhaari, 1874; Muslim, 1159).

    • Abdul-Qadir

      March 16, 2010 at 11:23 AM

      Assalamualaikum,

      I read in the book Parenting Skills from the Quran and Sunnah that when a parent comes home, they should sit in the car for a while and do dhikr to calm themselves down. Sometimes when you come home from work you are grumpy, and this may help you come back to normal. Also (this next one is not from the book), simply remembering the favors of Allah upon you, that he has allowed you to complete another day and come home to see your family, this I think is a beneficial reminder. This is all I have, as I do not know a specific Islamic ruling on this subject.

  2. NahyanInc

    March 16, 2010 at 7:33 AM

    short n sweet: stop, look, listen

    jazakallahukhair

  3. Muslim

    March 16, 2010 at 7:54 AM

    one of the three A’s that women need: attention

    What are the other A’s… :)

    jak…

    • Abdul-Qadir

      March 16, 2010 at 11:07 AM

      If you have acess to the lecture given by Yasir Fazaga/Birjas/Qadhi they gave at Texas Dawah Convention 2007 called ‘men are from makkah, women are from madinah’, Fazaga mentions the three:

      attention, affection appreciation.

      There was another he mentioned as well, acceptance. There was yet ANOTHER I heard from Waleed Basyouni, but I have to go find it again.

      You actually gave me a good idea, maybe later I will write about the 5 A’s. JazakAllah.

      • Umm Musayb.

        March 25, 2010 at 12:27 PM

        Salaam,

        Lol @ The lecture title. Cute.

        Does anyone have a link to it insha Allah?

        JazaakumAllahu khayrun.

  4. Saqib

    March 16, 2010 at 8:24 AM

    Could this piece of fluff be any more condescending?, am not sure what type of neanderthals you suspect male visitors to the site to be, but I’d like to know you’re reasoning for suspecting them of such behaviour. this just reads like a pre-judged khutbah that a large minority of imams come out with.

    Saqib

    • Abd- Allah

      March 16, 2010 at 9:25 AM

      Akhi Saqib, what is condescending about it? If it applies to you, then it is not condescending, and if it does not apply to you, then he is not addressing you for you to be offended. An issue doesn’t have to be applicable to every single member of the community for it to be addressed in public. You would be surprised brother at the big number of Muslim men who need such advice, especially with the divorce rate being on the rise even among Muslims. Even if they already know this, then there is nothing wrong or condescending about reminding them, because a believer always benefits from the reminder. As one brother already commented above:

      “Is there a way proven and tested way to keep one remind much needed things (zikr of Allaah, rights of people under us etc) we often forget?”

      • Abd- Allah

        March 16, 2010 at 9:34 AM

        Also if this doesn’t apply to you, then take it as something to keep in mind so that you may avoid falling into it in the future, because everyone is susceptible to making mistakes. The one who feels “safe” from falling into such things is usually the first person to fall into them, because it is he who has let his guard down against the shaytan and against his own nafs!

        • another white brother

          March 16, 2010 at 10:03 AM

          seems fluff to me as well, to be honest. kinda like a reminder to brothers that “hey, you know those things you do that are masculine? yeah, don’t do them. you are hereby to forfeit the wearing of the pants.”

          just sayin

      • Saqib

        March 16, 2010 at 12:45 PM

        Look, what I meant was that maybe you’re preaching to the converted, that the sort of people that treat their wives as flies are not the sort that make a habit of visiting sites like this one or following mm on twitter.

        • Ahmad

          March 17, 2010 at 7:57 PM

          To the…converted? What? Maybe, just maybe this strikes a cord with you? Im unmarried and all I could do when I read this was smile. Im happy someone had the guts to write this. We need reminding just as much as the other guys who actually think as the author described. It keeps me thinking when I read this. I hope I never forget this when Im actually married. You have to know these things man, no matter what. You’ve gotta remember that kids need your attention all the time, you’ve got to remember to actually take a moment and let connections be made with your wife. So many people dont think…at all. We need to make sure we arent one of them.

          lol! And to the comments about the title. Hilarious right? Really should have been titled Sisters only. All us brothers want to know are secrets about our sisters. hahaha.

    • Abdul-Qadir

      March 16, 2010 at 11:12 AM

      Assalamualaikum,

      As Abd-Allah said, some will benefit, some will not benefit. I wrote about something that was on my mind and something that I see and hear about all the time. This was also meant to be general, that whatever relationship you are in (husband/wife, parent/child, brother/sister, etc.) you should take the time to really listen to the person. As i wrote, one of the best gifts you can give someone is empathetic listening.

      And by the way, I actually did get the idea to write this from a jumuah khutbah given a while ago.

  5. Amir (MR)

    March 16, 2010 at 10:04 AM

    Nice reminder.

    Joke: if you wanted many brothers to read this, you should have put “Sisters Only in the title”.

    haha :-D

    • Abdul-Qadir

      March 16, 2010 at 11:14 AM

      Assalamualaikum,

      Your right, I totally should have put that in the title, maybe next time.

    • alisher

      March 16, 2010 at 1:13 PM

      actually he did the right thing by saying brothers only , this way all the sisters will read and then FORCE their husbands to read it too.

  6. ummbudimary

    March 16, 2010 at 10:16 AM

    i find it kind of disturbing that a brother would take such a simple and beneficial reminder as fluff or as offensive. Allahumustan.

    A reminder benefits the beleiver.

  7. Abdul-Qadir

    March 16, 2010 at 11:25 AM

    Assalamualaikum,

    I was told once that the Prophet (S) used to do something in particular before he came home to see his wives. Does anyone know what that thing might be? The khateeb said that was our homework, and i have not been able to find it anywhere. I hope this question is not to general.

    • Abd- Allah

      March 16, 2010 at 11:47 AM

      Walaikum Assalam Warahmatullah

      It is cleaning the teeth and mouth with the siwaak when entering the house.

      ‘Aa’ishah (may Allaah be pleased with her) was asked what the Messenger of Allaah (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) did when he first came home. She said, “When he entered his house, the first thing he would do was to use the siwaak.” (Reported by Muslim).

      • Abdul-Qadir

        March 16, 2010 at 12:45 PM

        JazakAllah, and may Allah bless your life.

  8. About time

    March 16, 2010 at 12:20 PM

    I personally think that we need to have more reminders for the sisters about good treatment of their husbands. I personally see a trend where everyone is talking about how husbands should be nice to their wives, but not the other way round. We end up having nice guy husbands married to vicious wives, who al hamdullah never fail to remind the husband to “give me attention”, “understand my needs”, and “understand how I feel”, while they themselves fail in a lot of aspects. I think women should be reminded of a lot a things, especially showing respect for their husbands. I understand that sisters are more sensitive and need to be reminded in more “subtle” ways, but its really getting ridiculous to the point that we don’t hear reminders for the sisters any more, and the sisters are forgetting that they should understand the male psyche as well. Its enough that these days women are becoming more and more masculine and men the opposite.

    • Abdul-Qadir

      March 16, 2010 at 12:42 PM

      Assalamualaikum,

      I completely understand what you are saying. Seeing as how I am a man, I wrote from a man’s perspective. If you know any sisters who could do a For Sisters Only one, then by all means go for it. This is actually for everyone reading this as well. Just pray the Shura of the website accepts it.

    • Saqib

      March 16, 2010 at 12:44 PM

      not sure it’s helpful to say who needs to do more, men perhaps are getting better than previous generations, women perhaps are not as vigilant in their core roles as in previous generations but I suspect there are a lot more men falling short than women.

      Often it is the case that men are under the thumb of their parents and forget their role as protectors of their wives too and this engenders resentment. We expect things from our wives to our families out of good will when there is none for we have put none in. To get love and respect, we have to give love and respect, it’s every bit as salient for husbands/sons and parents-in-law as it is for wives/daughters-in-law.

      • Bushra

        March 16, 2010 at 6:36 PM

        Due to women having more duties towards their husbands in Islam, the onus of good treatment to the wife falls on the man, mainly because he has taken a woman out of her comfort zone and if she is fulfilling her Islamic duties towards him happily, then it is unreasonable, if not sinful, for her husband to treat her badly. Women require more attention and affection because they are more emotionally-tuned than men are. It’s basic science…a science which no other religion has accounted for in so much detail as Islam has.

        Ultimately, if men look to the examples of the Prophet(saw) and see how he treated his wives, then it can help to improve the lack of communication and understanding between husband and wife. Likewise, if women look to the wives of the Prophet(saw) for good examples, then it can only result in happy marriages, insha’Allah.

        According to Sheikh Alaa Elsayed at his last Al Kauthar course, Home Sweet Home, here in London: “Happy wife = happy life”

        • Abd- Allah

          March 16, 2010 at 7:15 PM

          Due to women having more duties towards their husbands in Islam

          This statement is not accurate sister. Good treatment is a two way street. How can a wife expect good treatment if she doesn’t treat her husband good as well? The same goes for the husband, how can he expect his wife to treat him well if he doesn’t treat her the same way. If a woman looks at marriage that she is leaving her “comfort zone” then she won’t be happy regardless of how good her husband treats her. Men still require the same amount of attention and affection that women do, they just need it to be expressed in different ways than women do.

          • Saqib

            March 17, 2010 at 6:16 AM

            I think the underlyng issue here is that much of catalyst for a good marriage needs to come from the husband, if the guy is bum, even the most loving and understanding and encouraging wife may not change a stubborn man. However women, whose hearts are softer than men, can be moved to be better wives if they see their partners being better husbands.

            To be a better husband you need to be a stronger man, which includes not acceding to unreasonable expectations of parents, as one of the main reasons a wife loses love and respect for her husband.

            Don’t get me wrong, I’m all for fulfilling one’s covenants towards one’s parents, just not taking it too far like so many weak men that have no problem dealing harshly with their wives to ensure their subjugation to their insensitive parents to whom he can barely raise a whimper.

            We should treat our wives in the way we’d like our daughters to be treated by their husbands…

          • Bushra

            March 19, 2010 at 9:23 AM

            I beg to differ. My statement actually is accurate from my understanding, as I have studied it. I don’t know if you’re married, but I am and alhumdulillah, although my husband isn’t overbearing or difficult at all, I can still say that I have to fulfil more of my side of the duties towards him than he does, purely because my responsibilities are more in number.

            Of course, you are correct that it is a two-way street, and to be perfectly honest, most women don’t view marriage as leaving their comfort-zone. They only view it like that when they are made to live with their husband’s family as the rules and regulations are different to living alone.

            Be all that as it may, women are more emotional, and all it simply requires from men is for them to listen with their ears if we have a problem WITHOUT actually trying to find a solution for us or being patronising. Women want a husband who listens and can at least sympathise or see her point of view before tactfully giving his own point of view on what she is saying. If that much was fulfilled by husbands, then I can honestly tell you, half their marriage troubles will be over. Whether you are married or not, try to implement that towards any woman in your life whether it’s your mother, your sister or daughter (whatever age).

            This is what the article is trying to tell brothers. It’s not condescending at all (to those who are claiming that it is).

            Again STOP, LOOK and LISTEN….to the article.

  9. Saqib

    March 16, 2010 at 12:26 PM

    Look, what I meant was that maybe you’re preaching to the converted, that the sort of people that treat their wives as flies are not the sort that make a habit of visiting sites like this one or following mm on twitter.

  10. Saqib

    March 16, 2010 at 12:31 PM

    not sure it’s helpful to say who needs to do more, men perhaps are getting better than previous generations, women perhaps are not as vigilant in their core roles as in previous generations but I suspect there are a lot more men falling short than women.

    Often it is the case that men are under the thumb of their parents and forget their role as protectors of their wives too and this engenders resentment. We expect things from our wives to our families out of good will when there is none for we have put none in. To get love and respect, we have to give love and respect, it’s every bit as salient for husbands/sons and parents-in-law as it is for wives/daughters-in-law.

  11. armadillo

    March 16, 2010 at 5:05 PM

    MM…When I first read the title I said, MM would you please please please post more articles like this? After reading the entire article, never mind.

    Hindsight 20/20 is always clear.

    • amad

      March 17, 2010 at 2:42 AM

      What are you trying to say?

  12. Mohammad

    March 16, 2010 at 6:12 PM

    STOP, LOOK LISTEN

    to your grammar, spelling and sentence structure. Needs serious revising.

    Please refer to the Bedford Handbook for details.

    May Allah grant your success in this life and the next life. AMEEN!
    May Allah grant you jannah ya abdal qadir!

  13. Uncle Tom

    March 16, 2010 at 7:44 PM

    Thank you for generalizing all the brothers.
    I wonder how the sisters would have taken such an article about them…

  14. Pingback: For Brothers Only….Seriously: Stop, Look, and Listen - Active Saturdays

  15. Amatullah

    March 17, 2010 at 12:31 AM

    SubhanAllahi wa bihamdihi, amazing how someone gives advice, and their own brothers call him out. Be humble like the Prophet (sal Allahu alayhi wa sallam) and accept it, and thank him, even if it does not include you.

    May Allah forgive us.

  16. Muhammad Aiman Azlan

    March 17, 2010 at 1:02 AM

    Assalamualaikum, I don’t have a wife yet but this advice might come in handy. Jazakallah!

  17. Wael - IslamicAnswers.com

    March 17, 2010 at 1:18 AM

    I’m amazed that some readers thought this was fluff, or that it was condescending, or generalizing. I’ve always been a considerate person (Insha’Allah), but I still found this to be a good reminder, and I like that it was presented with attention-grabbing humor.

    My guess is that those who are offended by this reminder are the ones who really need it.

    • amad

      March 17, 2010 at 2:44 AM

      I agree. It’s a solid short piece. And it is not converts who need this… I think all of us need it. I for one could use this advice many times when I am deeply engrossed in MM and can’t spare quality few minutes.

      jazakallahkhair abdul-qadir.

      • Abu Adam, Ibrahim

        March 17, 2010 at 4:34 PM

        Good reminder, May Allah protect you from all evil.
        For the ones that reacted, are the ones that used this reminder the most.

    • Saqib

      March 17, 2010 at 5:23 PM

      if you’d read the rest of my comments, you’d know your guess was wrong.

      The article may have been necessary but it’s tone was unnecessary and antogonistic by being clumsily written and consisting mainly of generalisation, somethign that others here have picked up on.

      So it was more how the message was delivered rather than whether it was delivered at all.

  18. Hassan

    March 17, 2010 at 7:36 AM

    May be an article needs to be written to tell sisters to talk about religion, politics and sports. I can give all the attention I have!! Although my wife does talk about religion (but it does not end pretty sometimes) :D

  19. SA

    March 17, 2010 at 11:11 AM

    Assalamualaikum,

    MashAllah great article! I think it is a nice reminder, May Allah SWT reward the brother. Also, I do not believe the brothers intention was to hurt anyone; and honestly, the article is written in a nice tone, not one of harshness…so I don’t know where “condescending” came from. Also, for those who felt that they did not like the article, if you have any suggestions for the brother then you should state it in a proper manner, that is how one is supposed to give naseeha (advice).

  20. Abd- Allah

    March 17, 2010 at 2:58 PM

    I think the underlyng issue here is that much of catalyst for a good marriage needs to come from the husband, if the guy is bum, …

    To be a better husband you need to be a stronger man, which includes not acceding to unreasonable expectations of parents, as one of the main reasons a wife loses love and respect for her husband.

    … like so many weak men that have no problem dealing harshly with their wives to ensure their subjugation to their insensitive parents to whom he can barely raise a whimper.

    We should treat our wives in the way we’d like our daughters to be treated by their husbands…

    Brother Saqib,

    am not sure what type of neanderthals you suspect male visitors to the site to be…

    • QasYm

      March 17, 2010 at 7:18 PM

      It’s funny that when someone gives (feedback) be it negative, everyone begins to attack him and says just be quiet and take the advice. But those same individuals who are jumping down his throat should app;y this advice to themselves first. Makes no sense.

      I find it funny that whenever the article was referring to males the author would say brothers, but for females it said women. Why can’t it just say Men/Women?

      Better yet why can’t it say spouse because I’m sure this doesn’t just refer to one gender.

      Allahu Alam.

      • Abd- Allah

        March 17, 2010 at 8:48 PM

        There is a big difference between refuting deviant beliefs and between complaining because the advice is irrelevant to you. But I don’t blame those who can’t understand that difference, Allah doesn’t burden anyone beyond his capacity.

        • QasYm

          March 17, 2010 at 8:58 PM

          way to stick to the topic

      • Sayf

        March 17, 2010 at 10:10 PM

        Akhi, nothing is wrong with negative feedback. It’s just unfair when the feedback is along the lines of “what, how dare you write an article with this advice.” When most people appreciate the work. Plus it’s a guest author, and we like to be hospitable you know?

        If you have some criticism, there are more constructive and nicer ways to say it, so everyone benefits.

        On a side, if someone feels this article is generalizing, you would have to prove
        “This is how many brothers treat their wives” is not true. Which becomes extremely hard when the majority of the comments section is a testament to it.

        • Sayf

          March 17, 2010 at 10:17 PM

          I just noticed two sentence fragments, argh the editing time limit ran out (sadface).

  21. A sister

    March 18, 2010 at 2:06 PM

    Assalamualaikum,

    Jazaka Allah Khair brother for writing this reminder. A few steps goes a long way with your wives and people in general. If any of you have read “How to Win Friends and Influence People,” by Dale Carnegie you would realize the advice this brother gave is pretty legit, from a social science perspective.

    The Prophet (saw) would turn his whole body when some one was speaking to him, this is how important he made others feel. This is not just an important reminder for the brothers but for all of humanity we must treat each other well….so thank you :-)

  22. Mohammad

    March 18, 2010 at 11:29 PM

    why does this feel more and more like an english class? (go ahead…spend a few minutes correcting my mistakes)

    I don’t come to MM often…but honestly, i think it would be more beneficial to read the article, try implementing if it applies to you, and then spend your time on more beneficial things instead of going back and forth in the comments section. (think of how many aayah’s you could have memorized in that time!!) this isn’t to say don’t comment…constructive criticism is always great…but dont spend too much time on side topics…just some friendly advice from your friendly neighborhood brother…

  23. Abd- Allah

    March 19, 2010 at 2:49 PM

    I beg to differ. My statement actually is accurate from my understanding, as I have studied it. I don’t know if you’re married, but I am and alhumdulillah, although my husband isn’t overbearing or difficult at all, I can still say that I have to fulfil more of my side of the duties towards him than he does, purely because my responsibilities are more in number.

    الله يقول: و لهن مثل الذي عليهن بالمعروف

    (And women shall have rights similar to the rights against them, according to what is equitable) 002.228

    • Siraaj

      March 20, 2010 at 9:45 AM

      Abd-Allah,

      Those rights and responsibilities are not all agreed upon. The majority opinion on housecleaning is that it is not mandatory upon a woman, yet if she does this, she is still fulfilling more duties of the household, though that duty may not be mandated upon her by the shari’ah.

      Siraaj

      • Abd- Allah

        March 20, 2010 at 12:21 PM

        Siraaj akhi,

        If it is not her duty, then even if she does it that means she is doing more work but she doesn’t have more duties. I guess we are all playing on words here, but even if the wife (or husband) chooses to do more work which isn’t part of her duties, but her duties (the things which are mandatory) are still the same and are still equal to her rights. So rights = responsibilities, and I am not saying that rights = work that she might do, because a person might do more work than is required from them.

  24. Serena

    March 20, 2010 at 12:14 AM

    The only reason I can think of for why the person who wrote this insisted on this being for “brothers only” is that he himself sees women as so lowly, he refuses to address them, even on the internet. I imagine him being someone who refuses to even give them a salaam in real life and I find that pathetic.

    Take out the word “wife” and this is a perfectly unisex advice column. But the immaturity of the writer is incredibly off-putting.

    This just makes “muslim matters” seem like a fundamentalist, narrow-minded website…won’t be coming back here again…

    • About time

      March 20, 2010 at 1:14 AM

      Assalamu Alaikom,

      Its so hard to believe how someone would read an article that is telling men to treat women BETTER, then come to a conclusion so harsh and ungrateful. Do you know the writer’s intention? You shouldn’t be doubtful of people, ESPECIALLY when what they are doing are externally GOOD!

      And the fact that he did not address women is because if he did, then there always be sisters that will say something to the effect of: “Who are you to say what women should do?!” SubhanAllah you will always find people with something negative to say.

      Next, the reason the word wife is being used is because that is the only halal relationship between a man and an unrelated woman.

      Btw a man shouldn’t go out of his way to give a sister salaam, unless she’s a mahram. In general its haram to speak to a non-mahram if its not out of necessity, (such as buying/selling, inquiry, etc.).

      Another reason why he is addressing the guys is that we as guys REALLY DO HAVE THIS PROBLEM, and that women NEED SOMEONE TO LISTEN TO THEM.

      Its pretty rude to call the writer immature. Fear Allah. If you ask me I think feminists use this term to describe men who disagree with their twisted point of view.

      If you think muslimmatters is a “fundamentalist website”, then hamdullah, because true muslims should take pride in adhering to the fundamentals of islam. Al hamdullah that we are narrow-minded because we only take our legislation from Allah and his messenger.

      Finally, I leave you with a reminder. The prophet saas said” Whomsoever believes in Allah the final day then let him say what is good or be silent.” Your comment does not even fall under the category of constructive criticism.

      P.S. Brother Abdul Qadir, Jazaka Allah khair for this article, as a husband I was able to improve my listening skills a lot, and hamdullah i am now able to see what I did wrong sometimes. May Allah grant you al Ferdous. Looking forward to more great reminders insha’Allah.

      Btw in regards to my previous post I was not trying to criticize you or your article, but I just wanted to express my disappointment about the fact that sisters weren’t getting as much reminders (al least in my opinion). I apologize if I made it seem as such.

      Wsalamu Alaikom

      • Umm Bilqis

        March 20, 2010 at 1:38 PM

        I agree with you About time the ingratitude exposed by that comment reeks!
        : D but just imagine living with such a person and be grateful that you do not. By the way , it is not necessary to bother with arguments such as these because the faulty reasoning behind it all is pretty plain to see. Some people can not wait to call label and ridicule others whilst the arguments leave a questionable trail that exposes the person as the one with issues.
        For example:
        “he himself sees women as so lowly, he refuses to address them, even on the internet. I imagine him being someone who refuses to even give them a salaam in real life and I find that pathetic. ”
        Perhaps if this person would address the specific areas that are of concern with the article rather than simply imagining or over imagining things that are related to the author.
        The article was really thoughtful and well written and we say Jazak’Allah khairan Brother for your positively contribution.

      • Serena

        March 20, 2010 at 1:42 PM

        I came back for one reason only, to call you out on your crap.

        This statement of yours, “Btw a man shouldn’t go out of his way to give a sister salaam, unless she’s a mahram. In general its haram to speak to a non-mahram if its not out of necessity, (such as buying/selling, inquiry, etc.),” is utter BS.

        Haraam is an extremely harsh term, I can name 10 legitimate scholars, who I have actually studied with, who would reprimand you for using it so flippantly in this ridiculous statement of yours. Don’t make haraam what has not been made haraam, you’re not God.

        It’s so pathetic that people on this type of website will see anything short of burying a woman alive as being nice to women. Saying salaam is part of what awliyaa’ do for one another. It’s a kindness and mercy, and you clearly have no kindness in your heart for women, b/c you refuse to see them as your sisters. You only see them as a fitna. I pity the women who end up marrying misogynistic men like you. They need to hate themselves as much as you hate them in order to handle it.

    • Siraaj

      March 20, 2010 at 9:36 AM

      LOL

  25. Serena

    March 20, 2010 at 10:10 AM

    I came back for one reason only, to call you out on your crap.

    This statement of yours, “Btw a man shouldn’t go out of his way to give a sister salaam, unless she’s a mahram. In general its haram to speak to a non-mahram if its not out of necessity, (such as buying/selling, inquiry, etc.),” is utter BS.

    Haraam is an extremely harsh term, I can name 10 legitimate scholars, who I have actually studied with, who would reprimand you for using it so flippantly in this ridiculous statement of yours. Don’t make haraam what has not been made haraam, you’re not God.

    It’s so pathetic that people on this type of website will see anything short of burying a woman alive as being nice to women. Saying salaam is part of what awliyaa’ do for one another. It’s a kindness and mercy, and you clearly have no kindness in your heart for women, b/c you refuse to see them as your sisters. You only see them as a fitna. I pity the women who end up marrying misogynistic men like you. They need to hate themselves as much as you hate them in order to handle it.

    • Abu Adam

      March 20, 2010 at 11:41 AM

      It’s not haram to greet a women with salam. Who told you that. Where’s your daliel?
      Don’t talk nonsense here. I can give several ahadith about greeting and they are all sahih and Amma for everyone.

      the discussion is about giving hands or not. Not about Greeting Salaam.
      Don’t say stupid things about Islam, Will you. Come with proof.
      You all can greet men and women with salam.

      Abu Adam, Ibrahim
      Amsterdam, Holland
      Don’t bother Serena, By the way this is a great website.

      • Serena

        March 20, 2010 at 1:39 PM

        i’m not sure who you’re addressing in your comment, but i was responding to the guy who commented before me who calls himself “about time.” He said that saying salaam to sisters should be avoided, and I was arguing that he has no basis for saying that… People who make what is lawful haraam will be reckoned with by Allah.

        • Abu Adam

          March 20, 2010 at 5:14 PM

          I am repyin on both “Serena” and “About time”.
          Serena this is a great website with much benefitting knowledge.
          About time” about the greting of women with Salam, there’s no harm to greet a women in Salam, theres enough evidences for it.

    • Siraaj

      March 21, 2010 at 3:58 AM

      It’s a kindness and mercy, and you clearly have no kindness in your heart for women, b/c you refuse to see them as your sisters. You only see them as a fitna. I pity the women who end up marrying misogynistic men like you. They need to hate themselves as much as you hate them in order to handle it.

      The Prophet Muhammad [صلی اللہ علیہ وسلم] said: “I have left behind no fitnah more harmful to men, than women.” [Al-Bukhari, Muslim]

      Siraaj

    • About time

      March 21, 2010 at 11:24 AM

      Ok first of all, I never said it is haraam to give salaam to a sister. I said “to go out of your way” to give salaam.

      So for example, a brother is walking around, and he sees a sister wearing hijab that he does not know or just has seen around. He then decides to go to the sister, and say salaam. Obviously the point is not the salaam, its the talking for no reason. There’s no such thing as “platonic friend” in islam, so this brother is either trying to be a friend or trying to start a relationship with the poor sister without the consent of her waley. What leads to haram is haram, and the situation here is obvious.

      Next time please read properly before getting emotional and jumping to conclusions. That goes for anyone else who replied to me in the same way, like Abu Adam.

      There are enough reputable scholars who have this position. I never gave a fatwa from my own desires. I just passed on what I heard. And EVEN if I am following an incorrect position, this is definitely no way for a muslimah/muslim to reply to anyone, with such bad manners and with insults. In addition, even if you disagree with me or find my position strange, don’t let your emotions get the best of you, and try to understand where the other person is coming from. Would you so daringly insult the scholars who follow this position? Maybe online on blogs, but not in their face, right?

    • Bushra

      March 21, 2010 at 1:11 PM

      And yet MM has overlooked bad manners and language amongst commenters here, particularly Muslims, because they feel there might be a valid excuse for such rudeness…Is this really so ‘fundamentalist’ and ‘narrow-minded’ of Muslim Matters? I think not.

  26. Olivia

    March 20, 2010 at 12:27 PM

    I thought the article was fine. I guess if you don’t treat your wife like a fly, then simply bypass it. =)

    One thing I’d say though is that I think this advice can be applied to all relationships, as the author mentioned. I personally think it would have been better to just talk about “stop, look, and listen” in a general sense as it applies to any relationships. I think the people who are probably most guilty of this are parents. People could read the advice and then apply to the relationships in their lives that need it. Speaking of the advice generally too I think would have eliminated any “flare-up” from readers in regards to spousal relationships.

    I think presenting the advice in regards to spouses only unnecessarily narrowed it. Good job nonetheless though.

    Maybe we should write an article for the sisters now, just to even things out. Although I’m not an MM writer… maybe I can disguise it under Siraaj’s name ;)

    • Musa

      March 20, 2010 at 1:24 PM

      I agree as well, that writing this more generally would have calmed everyone down. It looks like the author was trying to be creative so people would read closely. I have personally found when you talk about various topics in a creative way, people listen more closely. You cannot, however, deny the fact that it does apply to spousal relationships, and he was not wrong in using that topic specifically. And if someone does want to relate whatever they are writing about to marriage, must there always be a big fight about it?

      • Bushra

        March 21, 2010 at 4:41 PM

        Funny that you mention marriage and big fight in the same sentence :P

        Honestly speaking, Olivia is right. These principles can be applied to any relationship and now that she mentions parents, I will be keeping that in mind once I have children of my own, insha’Allah :)

    • siraaj

      March 22, 2010 at 1:19 AM

      I’ve already written my cheat sheet for sisters on my own blog, you’ll have to write your own ;)

      Siraaj

  27. Slave of the Most Loving One

    March 21, 2010 at 11:09 AM

    Bismillahi Rahmani Raheem…Peace and blessings be on Prophet, his family, his companions and all the righteous believers!
    Salam wrt wbrt !!

    JazakAllah Khair Akhi for this article!!! im so glad that u wrote about this!!! :) Wallah tears came to my eyes when i realized that there are men who are willing to address these issues… surah al Ma’un came to my mind… subhanAllah!! small kind acts like even smiling are rewarded by Allah SWT …

    And seriously both men and women have to realize that family is the basic unit of a society, so if majority of the families are just going to quarrel and race about who’s right it’s going to be a mess!!

    A simple and profound teaching by our beloved Prophet (SAW) is that he came down to build character

    (Yahya related to me from Malik that he had heard that the Messenger of Allah, may Allah bless him and grant him peace, said, “I was sent to perfect good character.”
    source: http://www.searchtruth.com/book_display.php?book=47&translator=1&start=19&number=758)

    itz a great solution to the major problems of the society bcz things like honesty, kindness, humility, gratitude etc comes thru shaping of one’s character

    Well let’s just say itz time to revive the Sunnah :)

    By the way…people plz stop complaining… if u want to give negative feed back do it in a proper manner, firstly by thanking the writer for his effort!!

    May Allah SWT help us to live and die as gud Muslims and help us to spread gudness.ameen!

  28. muslimah101

    March 21, 2010 at 2:27 PM

    assalamu’alaikum

    do people actually have so much time and energy to argue with strangers online? wow..

    i kinda agree with ‘about time’. i bumped into some brother volunteers at islamic conference who were more than happy to help me out. maybe they were just being kind and had the best intentions, Allahu’alam, but i felt uncomfortable.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

..
..
..

Ramadan Video Series

MuslimMatters NewsLetter in Your Inbox

Sign up below to get started

Trending