Contacting Your Prospective MSA Spouse: You’ve Found “The One” In Your MSA [Part 4]

Here comes a nerve racking step after you’ve secured your third-party messenger: contacting your prospective spouse from the MSA!

In this series: Part 1 | Part 2| Part 3 | Part 4| Part 5

Here comes a nerve racking step after you’ve secured your third-party messenger: contacting your prospective MSA spouse! You’ve done a lot of work to get here, congratulations on that. Get ready to hand the reins over to your third-party.

Using Your Third-Party Messenger to Make Contact

Now it’s time to inquire about your potential spouse in a few different steps. You simply ask the third-party you’ve chosen to get in touch with that individual and first ask them if they’re: 1-looking to get married and 2-available to talk to someone for marriage right now. If it’s a yes from that person, then you would ask your messenger to disclose your identity to that person. Then you’ll wait to hear if your prospective spouse is interested in talking to you specifically for marriage. This would imply they could potentially picture you as their spouse as well.

If Your MSA Potential Spouse Says No

If they’re not ready to get married, are talking to someone else, or are not interested in talking to you for marriage, that’s perfectly okay. For the first two instances, you may circle back and check on this person after some period of time through your third-party again. If they rejected you specifically, I’m sorry to hear that. You’ve probably been thinking about this person as your future spouse for some time now and it took a lot to contact your prospective spouse.

The worst part is that maybe they know that you “like them” now and you still may run into them through the MSA. It might be awkward, but you’ll figure out how to cope. Look at the bright side! You did a lot of work on yourself. Remember the day you went on a hike and sat on a bench and asked yourself all these intense questions? Not only that, you also faced your parents as an adult looking to get married…you grew into another stage of adulthood. Your parents may be disappointed or even unkind about this particular MSA person not working out. All the stuff you did and went through was really tough, important work. Honestly, it just stinks doesn’t it?

But it’s okay. In time the sting of this rejection will fade. Meanwhile, you can rejoice in the fact that you saved yourself from falling into a haram relationship. Major kudos to you!

Remember–the silver lining you’re looking at in this undesired outcome is that you progressed in your own life. You know you’re ready to get married and your family is supporting you. You’ve reached a new pinnacle in your life and insha’Allah, in time, you will be married to a great person.

This one rejection doesn’t have to stop your path towards getting married. Is there anyone else you or your family can think of that might be a good match for you? Are you ready to start exploring more options? Then go forward!

If Your MSA Love Says Yes: Planning for a Halal Courtship

If the person has expressed interest in talking to you–you’re allowed a few seconds for a touchdown dance and then a sajdah of shukr. You’ve cleared four steps now, my friend! One: getting yourself ready. Two: getting your family’s approval. Three: recruiting a third-party messenger to help you. Four: contacting your prospective spouse and receiving the green-light to get to know the person you think you want to marry. Wow, look at you! And thank you, Allah!!

The next step would be to figure out some logistics of how you’ll get to know each other and determine whether or not you’d like to marry each other. Check with your family about their preferences and expectations for you in this process.

• Do they want to meet the person one-on-one with you?
• Do they want both families to meet?
• Do they think it’s fine for you to talk to this person over email for a certain length of time?
• Do they approve of you meeting this person without a chaperone for your initial talks?

Make a Decision: I Do or I Don’t

Go ahead and make a decision and let your third-party messenger know that this is your request on how the arrangement will work for the courtship to progress. Ask the messenger to find out the preferences of the other person and their family as well. If there are differences in expectations, you can have your third-party messenger mediate between you and your families. See, wasn’t it such a good idea to use an older, trusted person? They can be so useful on so many levels!

However you and your families decide to move forward, it’s important for the families on both sides to be involved in some way, shape, or form as you and your MSA beau get to know each other. I’d lastly advise you to keep a timeframe in mind of when you think you’d come to a final decision about each other. Is it a couple weeks of talking or a couple months? Maybe your family is okay with six months? Just make sure that you aren’t in a gray zone for too long. Firstly, you want to keep your relationship as halal as possible to maximize the blessings that your potential union brings. Secondly, if things don’t work out, you want to minimize the damage and heartbreak for both of you because going through this process and not moving forward towards marriage is somewhat akin to a breakup.

Conclusion and Summary of the Courtship Process

I pray your next steps forward, whatever they may be, are blessed and bring you happiness and comfort in the end. This suggested courtship process is meant to steer individuals who may have taken a liking to someone towards marriage and keep them from falling into haram relationships. Revisit parts 1, 2, and 3 for a review of all of the steps.

In Part 5, we’ll go through the good, bad, and ugly real-life stories I know of as case studies to help you learn a little more about courtships within MSA’s or MSA-like groups.

Related Reading:

A Scintillating Secret To A Successful Marriage

How Can NewlyWeds Avoid the Pitfalls of Marriage? | Haleh Banani