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Ramadan Relationship Repair

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Repair your relationships? Whaaaat? I thought Ramadan was only about reading the Quran and praying taraweeh.  Who has time for relationships?  I have goals I need to finish – like completing the reading of the Quran, perfecting my recitation and doing as many sunnah prayers as possible. I simply don’t have time. I would like to go in my little cocoon and do my worship in peace without any distractions, expectations or demands. I don’t want to be disturbed!

Sound familiar?

Well, you are not alone. A majority of my clients have expressed their utter annoyance at their family members for being in the way of their worship. They are absolutely flustered about having to balance their marital life and kids with all the demands of Ramadan. The obvious solution for many is to ignore their spouse and kids in order to get the maximum benefit (or they think) of this blessed month. They justify their actions by thinking that it’s only once a year and they can just manage without the extra time and care.

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wali role in marriage

What if you’re missing out on the actual fruit of Ramadan?  

What if in the haste of reading and praying, you left out one of the most valuable forms of worship which is being kind, understanding and available to your loved ones?  What if you are stepping over a treasure chest of good deeds and neglecting what Allah values?

I know many of you are still not convinced.  You have a list to accomplish & there is a limited amount of time in the day. I want you to reflect for a moment.  Put the list aside just for a while and think why does Allah want you to do these acts of worship.

What is the purpose of reading the Quran? What is the purpose of staying away from food and water? What is the purpose of standing in prayer?The purpose of all these acts is to PERFECT YOUR CHARACTER.

The Prophet Mohammad ﷺ was known for his exceptional character.

And indeed, you are of a great moral character. (Surat al-qalam 68:4)

It was through these acts of worship that the impeccable character of the Prophet ﷺ was shaped. I’m all for setting Ramadan spiritual goals and resolutions.  Hearts are revived as the Quran is diligently read daily, fasting feeds the soul and the taraweeh is like an IV that nourishes the powerful bond with Allah. I’m simply saying that each of these acts of worship is designed in Allah’s infinite wisdom to train you to have a better character.  Instead of simply reading the Quran to be able to check it off a list, read with understanding and reflection.  Try actually implementing the advice that Allah is giving you.

Allah is above all examples, but imagine if you made an appointment with a guru like Brandon Buchard to get advice on optimal performance, or you arranged a meeting with Mark Zuckerburg to get business advice and money making strategies. Let’s say they gave you a series of advice and then had you read their books. Now what if you only read the books over and over again, but didn’t implement a single word of what they said?  How much would that change your performance or your business, if you only read and didn’t take action? You would get nowhere.

It’s the same with the Quran.  Even though you are rewarded for every letter that you read, if you don’t apply these powerful words of advice, you will not attain the transformative effects of the QuranThese words and advice will transform you if you put them to use.

There are hundreds of verses in the Quran about compassionate living, forgiveness, charity and good character, but only one verse about fasting.  Through fasting we cultivate compassion and good deeds in order to fulfill what has been emphasized the most: good character.

Make The Intention To Repair

You may never have thought about putting any time and effort into your relationships because it’s the month of the Quran and Taraweeh, but I want you to make the intention to improve your marriage as well.  Make it a genuine intention as well, the same kind of intention you make to fast all 30 days without faltering.

 Hadith Nawawi: Indeed all actions are based on the intentions

But Why In Ramadan?

  1. Everyone knows that a broken marriage drains you emotionally,  depleting you of energy, concentration and time. If you are in a fight with your spouse, you will not have khushu in your prayer or have the right attitude of benevolence. Once you fix your relationship you will be better able to perform all your acts of worship.
  2. The shayateen are locked up, so all the whispering about how annoying and frustrating your spouse is will hopefully come to a halt or at least slow down.
  3. You are fasting, praying and reading Quran which all act as a cleanser for your heart.  With a purified heart and a new found closeness with Allah, you will be able to be more loving, forgiving and compassionate to your spouse.
  4. Rewards are multiplied. Think of that morsel of food you put in your spouse’s mouth and how heavy it will be on the scales.  Now if you actually play a role in saving your marriage from divorce then you have hit the ajar jackpot – which is worth much more reward than sitting in seclusion and reading away while shooting dirty, cold looks at your spouse.

I’m sold, now what?

Now that you have made your intention to repair your marriage and you understand the logic of doing it in Ramadan, you are ready to begin. Remember you are doing this to get the maximum amount of rewards this Ramadan through your marriage. It’s easy to read your Quran and pray lengthy prayers in isolation, but it’s extremely hard to overcome your pride and repair your relationship. When you stretch yourself beyond your comfort zone, that’s when you can reach a new level of spiritual awareness. So get ready to stretch!

Here are some actions you can start immediately:

  1. Forgive the past mistakes. Focus on the massive reward of reconciliation and your status with Allah instead.
  2. Let go of the grudges. There is no need to drag an emotional mess with you throughout Ramadan. 
  3. Smile. Smiling is charity, so why not give it generously to your spouse and kids?
  4. Do loving acts throughout the day.
  5. Get small, thoughtful gifts throughout the month for your spouse. 

The Prophet said:  Tahado Tahabo:  Give gifts to increase love

  1. Spend at least 15 minutes a day bonding, reading or sharing something each day.
  2. Leave love notes around the house about the things you appreciate in your spouse.
  3. Express gratitude. Give a series of thank you cards this month expressing how you feel about them
  4. Listen to their struggles, dreams and be a source of encouragement.
  5. Be affectionate with words, physical touch and loving acts.
  6. Be a source of tranquility, love and mercy.

And of His signs is that He created for you from yourselves mates that you may find tranquillity in them; and He placed between you affection and mercy. Indeed in that are signs for a people who give thought. (Surat al-Rum:21)

Reading Quran –>Better Character

As you read each day, take at least one point that you can implement with your spouse.  For instance, if you read a verse about kindness, then make a commitment to practice kindness that entire day.  If you read about giving charity, then donate something small to the masjid.  In this way you are applying what you are reading and reaping the rewards. As your character improves your marriage will also improve insha’Allah.

So when the Qur’an is recited, then listen to it and pay attention that you may receive mercy. (Surat al Araf:204)

Fasting –>Empowerment

If you can give up food and water during the day for 30 days, then you can do anything insha’Allah.  Feel strong enough to overcome your shortcomings this Ramadan.  If you are impatient, focus on deep breathing and not overreacting. If you are arrogant focus on being genuinely humble.  If you are mean, focus on showing kindness to your spouse. If you have a tendency to get angry, do your best to control it.

Who spend [in the cause of Allah ] during ease and hardship and who restrain anger and who pardon the people – and Allah loves the doers of good;

Taraweeh –>Patience

The hours spent in prayer needs to instill patience in your heart.  Demonstrate this patience in the way you talk, react and live with your spouse and kids.  You can’t pray for an hour then turn around and say something hurtful to your spouse.  If you are doing this, then there is something missing in your worship.  The only way you can be assured that your acts of worship are being accepted fully is if you are able to demonstrate the fruits of your worship in your relationships which is an impeccable character.

O you who have believed, seek help through patience and prayer. Indeed, Allah is with the patient. (Surat al-Baqara:153)

Use this Ramadan to connect each worship to improving your relationships by making sure that you extrapolate the essential character and lesson for each act. In this way, you will not only reap the rewards of this blessed month, but also repair your relationships insha’Allah. If you are interested in learning more about repairing your marriage in Ramadan sign up for my FREE video training: Ramadan Relationship Repair at halehbanani.com/ramadan

Help Us End Ramadan with 1000 Supporters!

Alhamdulillah, we're at 900 supporters. Help us get to 1000 supporters before Ramadan ends. All it takes is a small gift from a reader like you to keep us going, for just $2 / month.

The Prophet (SAW) has taught us the best of deeds are those that done consistently, even if they are small. Click here to support MuslimMatters with a monthly donation of $2 per month. Set it and collect blessings from Allah (swt) for the khayr you're supporting without thinking about it.

Haleh Banani holds a Master's degree in Clinical Psychology. A faith-based counselor, life coach, and mental health professional who has served the community since 1998 by saving hundreds of marriages and helping thousands of people around the world overcome their challenges and become the most amazing version of themselves. The host of "With Haleh" on Al-Fajr TV and was a featured expert on Al-Jazeera international and other media outlets. She is an international speaker and writer. https://halehbanani.com

4 Comments

4 Comments

  1. mia

    May 29, 2017 at 2:30 PM

    What a nicely written piece. it relevant for me.
    I really like the easy to read format and style. Unlike many articles here that seem to be convoluted so much that they require a phd or law degree to understand.

  2. Azeezah

    May 30, 2017 at 3:31 AM

    Jazakallahi bi khairan..what an interesting piece.Very educative.i have forwarded to as many people as possible.

  3. Mian Reagan

    May 31, 2017 at 12:33 AM

    They Day Palestinian would give the Land back to Jewish, they Day I will Give to Islamic Relief. Or, Believe in them. I have been giving to them for decades ! Until I have found out, Bilingual Palestinian, who are Fluent in Hebrew too among the Most reaches in the local Muslim Community ! Why they are walking away, and not helping their own community?

  4. saeed Muhammed lawan

    June 1, 2017 at 2:20 AM

    Very nice and well written article , its not only for spouses its also for every single individual, whether u are married or not . I learned a lot from this piece of writing that contained some amazing advice which worth more than millions.

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