As-salamu alaykum ….this one is gonna be kind of long but please help me.
So, I am an 18 year old girl living in Canada. I am abused by my dad a lot, he mentally and sometimes physically, abuses me for no reason. He always needs a target to shoot at and that’s me. He never yells at any if my other siblings as I always have to be wrong. I am starting college on January, I was supposed to start in September, but I can’t because I have to upgrade a course.
Now when I tell this to him, he is for sure gonna kill me. I really want to get out of here and I have 2 options, 1. Kill myself by overdosing on painkillers or 2. Get married ASAP.
I really can’t live here anymore. I cry every day and I pray for something good to happen. I literally wait for the moment I get killed by my dad because he’s always angry me. He takes his anger out at me. I really like this boy and want to get married to him, so I don’t commit zina. My dad already thinks I have a boyfriend…..like seriously I wear a hijab. So….I really like this guy and make dua that I get married to him…..he is really nice….and he’s a family friend.
So the problem is…how do I tell my mom I want to get married?
Cause I was always a tomboy kind of girl who always said that if will never get married……but now I have to. My dad was planning that exactly 4 years from now we will move back to his country and get me married to someone there……he is interested in getting me married to aged people.
I have no one to talk to because he cut off every single one of my friends whether Muslim ,or non Muslim, he took over my all my social network sites that I was on so that I don’t talk to anyone and I don’t even have a phone and I’m going to college.
Also, he made me get a job and a loan for my college funds which is $10000 per year which comes out to be $40,000 at the end. And if I don’t pay everything back by the time I’m going to graduate…..I am going to have to pay INTEREST, which I really don’t want to get myself into because that is a major sin.
I really don’t know what to do, I have no one to talk to. I even tried killing myself once by taking 10 painkillers which was 2000 mg and went to sleep hoping I would not wake up. I make dua in every prayer that Allah takes my life or gets me married ASAP as I have no other choice. I really like this boy and I want to get married to him.
He is Muslim and is from a good family, because I know his mom and we talk sometimes when I am over at my family friends house. The only friend I have left is a 13 year old girl…..seriously. I really don’t know heat to do. Someone please help meeeeee ASAP before something bad happens! :'(
Jazaka Allahu Khair,
Want an Out
Wa Alaikum Salaam I’m really glad that you reached out to us at Muslimmatters. We are your brothers and sisters who care deeply for you. Please remember that you are never alone.
First and foremost you have Allah. No matter how lonely or abandoned you feel He is close to you.
And We have already created man and know what his soul whispers to him, and We are closer to him than [his] jugular vein (Surat al-Qaf 50:16)
It’s NOT FAIR!
I realize how unfair it may seem that you have had to go through such pain and difficulty while your siblings have been spared. Injustice is always painful and disheartening. It’s so hard to be abused verbally and physically by the people who are entrusted to take care of you. The majority of people I have worked with have been abused in one form or another and I know how deeply the wounds are especially when it is done by a family member. It’s unfortunate that your father takes out his anger on you. You need to confide with someone in your community and get help. You can’t remain in a situation that is harmful to you. Get support from your mother, aunt or a trusted friend.
I am pretty certain that he must have been a victim of abuse himself. Most people simply imitate behavior they see and that is why it is a very dangerous cycle. You can stop this vicious cycle! Just because it has been happening for generations doesn’t mean that you have to imitate this cruel behavior.
I WILL SURVIVE!
Make the decision that you will survive this unfairness & cruelty. Find a purpose to live! The most therapeutic way to cope with any form of difficulty is to help others in need. Once you attach meaning to the trials and tribulations then you can overcome the hurt and sadness.
Show Me the Wisdom!
There is wisdom in everything that happens to you good or bad. You may not understand why you need to suffer, ache or experience loss, but you need to realize that the master planner is in control and each difficulty is like an injection that will cure your soul and build your character. You sometimes learn the most valuable lessons from your difficulties. Regardless of how hard your situation is have trust in Allah’s plan and know that the hardship is a form of mercy. This pain that you have endured may have softened your heart and raised your rank in front of Allah.
Here are some possible wisdom for hardship:
- Appreciation – deprivation leads to appreciation
- Spiritual awareness & closeness
- Increases sympathy
- Humbles your heart
- Raises your spiritual rank
- Cures illnesses of your heart
- Guidance – desperation generally leads to guidance
To Be or Not to Be?
When your problems are overwhelming and you feel you are surrounded by darkness you may feel so scared and alone that you want the pain to stop. Some people actually prefer to die rather than withstand the pain. Others just wish for death and see it as the ultimate escape. Before you act irrationally think about this. You are exchanging known, temporary problems for unknown, eternal problems & punishments.
Abu Hurayrah narrated that the Prophet said: “Whoever throws himself down from a mountain and kills himself will be in the Fire of Hell, throwing himself down therein for ever and ever. Whoever takes poison and kills himself, his poison will be in his hand and he will be sipping it in the Fire of Hell for ever and ever. Whoever kills himself with a piece of iron, that piece of iron will be in his hand and he will be stabbing himself in the stomach with it in the Fire of Hell, for ever and ever.” Narrated by al-Bukhaari, 5442; Muslim, 109.
It was narrated that Jundub ibn ‘Abd-Allaah said: The Messenger of Allaah said: “Among those who came before you there was a man who was wounded and he panicked, so he took a knife and cut his hand with it, and the blood did not stop flowing until he died. Allaah said: ‘My slave hastened to bring about his demise; I have forbidden Paradise to him.” Narrated by al-Bukhaari, 3276; Muslim, 113.
It’s obvious that committing suicide is not a quick fix to a perpetual problem because it will lead to eternal punishment. There is a special ruling for those who suffer from mental disorder:
When you find yourself suffering tremendously and you start wishing you would die keep this hadith in mind:
Anas (May Allah be pleased with him) reported that: The Messenger of Allah said, “Let not one of you wish for death because of a misfortune which befalls him. If he cannot help doing so, he should say: ‘O Allah, keep me alive as long as You know that life is better for me, and make me die when death is better for me”.
[Al-Bukhari and Muslim]
Downward Spiral of Depression
Generally when a person starts to feel depressed they start to withdraw from other people and activities that they used to enjoy. The best way to combat depression is to push yourself to stay involved and stay connected with your family and friends in order to avoid the downward spiral of depression. The more a person withdraws the more depressed they become until they feel so lonely and depressed that they will consider suicide.
There are ways to cope with depression if you are feeling hopeless:
- Get professional help
- Get support from family and friends
- Improve your self-talk
- Be grateful
- Improve diet
Marriage….can’t just be an escape
I realize that many people see marriage as an escape from tyrannical parents, but you must get married for the right reasons. There is nothing wrong with changing your mind and telling your mom that you are interested in getting married even though you were not interested in the past. I think you need to wait until you are a little more mature and emotionally stable before you decide to make such a serious commitment. I would highly recommend getting professional help to overcome the issues you have so that you can ensure a better marriage insha’Allah.
Cut off from the World
I’m sure it’s very frustrating to be cut off from your friends. Not having a phone or facebook can feel like you are cut off from the world. I don’t agree with your father’s methodology but in his own way he is probably attempting to protect you. Have contact with your friends through school and do your best to be respectful even though he is being oppressive.
“And your Lord has decreed that you worship none but Him. And that you be dutiful to your parents. If one of them or both of them attain old age in your life, say not to them a word of disrespect, nor shout at them but address them in terms of honour.” (Quran 17:23)
Show Me the Money!
I think it’s smart that you don’t want to get into interest masha’Allah.
O you who have believed, fear Allah and give up what remains [due to you] of interest, if you should be believers. And if you do not, then be informed of a war [against you] from Allah and His Messenger. But if you repent, you may have your principal – [thus] you do no wrong, nor are you wronged.(2:278-279)
I would recommend working part time and attending school part time so that you can pay for your education. Another option is to get someone to sponsor you to go to college then pay them back without interest. It is really hard to pay back college loans because interest keeps getting added. Pray tahajud and ask Allah to show you a way out of your problems and a way to avoid interest.
Don’t Give Up!
I know you attempted suicide in the past because you felt so helpless, but now I know you can find the strength insha’allah to face your problems with trust in Allah. If you can’t find the strength I urge you to get professional advice. This advice that I have written does not take the place of a therapist. You need to work through your issues so that you never feel the urge to harm yourself again. I have seen patients who were only 20 years old at the psychiatric hospital who attempted to commit suicide by taking pills and they ended up retarded. They only compounded their problems. Put your trust in Allah and get help! I pray that your issues get resolved. Please keep up posted on your progress.