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On Attraction from a Unmarried Perspective

“If a man wants to betroth a woman, he can look at what entices him to accomplish his marriage.” [Reported by Abu Dawud]

As someone who is looking to get married and extremely inexperienced in all terms of physical intimacy, all of this sex talk is something that feels like a creeping elephant in the room in the back of my mind.  Even though I am not sure when I will end up getting married insha’Allah, I have already taken it upon myself to become educated now about all things marriage, and that is inclusive of physical intimacy. Especially, since this is the cause of so many crises that exist within Muslim marriages. I’m already stressed out about sex and I’m not even close to being married!

If I’m considering someone for marriage, one of the things I look at is whether or not I am physically attracted to the guy.  One of my friends has been looking to get married for years now, she is not picky but a lot of the guys that end up coming her way are overweight and don’t take care of themselves. Recently, she looked at me straight in the face and said, “If I can’t imagine being intimate with him, then I can’t get married to him.”

Ever since then, if I’m kinda stumped when thinking about if I’m attracted to a guy or not, I resort to that as my deciding factor.  I’m not sure if trying to picture these things in your mind is something that is right or wrong, but since she was so frank with me, I figured that it was something that would be worth a shot.  A lot of the times I can tell right away if I’m attracted to someone, not feeling it, or am simply repulsed, but when I don’t really know, I’ve decided to be frank and honest with myself from the very beginning rather than letting that become a problem later.

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I’m not just looking for a guy who I can have a good time with, don’t get me wrong, but I really do consider the issue of physical intimacy an important one, even though I am a female and even though I am a “practicing  and “conservative” Muslim.


Terrified of Porn

As a single Muslimah looking to get married, one of the things that frightens me the most is porn and whether or not the guy I am talking to is addicted or has been addicted to it in the past.  I have never consumed pornographic material before, but realize it’s an epidemic that the whole society is starting to address.  From religious Muslims, to the most secular, non-Muslim sex enthusiasts, I have heard so many people coming out and condemning porn as something that destroys the consumer’s ability to enjoy any normal sexual relationships.  In my research, I read about the horrifying statistics that show how early boys are exposed to porn and how many people use porn and I thought it must be different for Muslims, right?!  But I spoke to a few brothers in the community and they assured me that porn addictions are blind to religious affiliation, and then I was horrified on a personal level–what if someone I am talking to for marriage is or has been addicted to porn?  How could I ever do anything within my human capabilities to satisfy him?

Porn addictions are something that any person who is talking to another to get married (male or female) should be honest with their prospective spouse about, because that is something (even if it is a sin from the past that is totally under control now) that can really impact the marriage and will take a lot of work to correct.  I wouldn’t say that I would reject someone who had an issue with porn, but it would be something that I would seriously have to consider. I would have to be honest with myself about whether he was willing to come to terms with it, seek help for it, and if I would be patient with him while he was recovering and to realize that he may never fully recover.

On Expectations

As someone who firmly believes in the wisdom of Allah’s rules, I understand and accept that you can’t really have a test run in the bedroom before you get married to see if you’re both sexually compatible, even though sexual satisfaction for both partners is essential to a happy and thriving marriage. I get that it probably isn’t an automatic and will take some work to get there from both parties. I already have the expectation of my husband to insha’Allah take my sexual needs seriously and for us to both be sensitive to one another’s desires. I feel like the focus of a relationship being solely on satisfying the male’s desires isn’t a Muslim problem, it’s a more general social problem.

Add the Orientalizing look at the “veiled” Muslim female body trapped in the “harem,” and things get muddled even more with confusing images of Princess Jasmine-like fantasies sprawled out like odalisks and notions of women being hypersexualized beasts that are meant to be dehumanized and objectified.

I also realize that being open with my husband about these issues might be tough, especially since “sexual confessions” (Foucault) are considered to be one of the most private and difficult things to talk about. Now if we step into the Muslim circle, especially with “practicing” sisters, a lot of these taboo things become even more taboo, and maybe it would be awkward for another “practicing” brother to understand that I have as many needs as he does.  (And honestly, the fact that I have needs isn’t something that’s surprising to me, it may just be difficult for him to come to terms with.)

love single men women Muslim

If I could relay a message to my future husband about this issue, it would be this: I really look forward one day to enjoying this aspect of our marriage together, even though we have both been holding that back and controlling ourselves this whole time and may that make it all the sweeter insha’Allah.  Believe me, I have been around for long enough with raging hormones to tell that I already have sexual needs and that I need and want those to be addressed, just as I am sure you have realized that about yourself by now.  I know it will take work for both of us to feel happy in this area of our marriage, so I hope that you will be as willing to please me as I am to please you and that we both actually take action to ensure the growth of our marriage in this arena (as all other areas of a marriage!)

I expect you to do your homework on what it means to be in a marriage, and I hope that you are down to earth enough to take some time to research female sexuality, ways to turn women on, etc. before we get married so that we start our relationship on the right foot in all aspects of our relationship.  I look forward to the evolution of our love and love life together, from day one to after having kids to the very ends of our lives and in the next life, insha’Allah.


Note from Married 20 years: Having worked with teenagers and young female adults for the past nine years, I can say with assurance that the sexuality of women has been immensely effected by the hypersexualized society we live in. The reality is that in today’s societies, our young females are easily aroused. The more sexual exposure one has, the more sexually excited one gets, and since romance and sex is displayed everywhere, most sensually presented in almost all popular literature, our female youth’s needs should not be ignored.

[1]Editor’s Note-This is an individual perspective, illustrating what is going on in the minds of young Muslimahs. Attraction has many components, and once you are attracted to/in love with your spouse, with proper education and communication good sex will follow. For some people that happens instantly, for others it takes some time.

Part 1 


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  1. Tasmi Quazi

    May 8, 2013 at 4:19 AM

    Thank you for your candidness about this relevant (and sadly repressed) topic, especially from a women’s perspective! It is not only important to talk about in a context of hypersexualised societies we are a part of – but also a socio-economic and globalised context which is making young women and men prioritise attaining a measure of economic stability first before considering marriage and consequently delaying the natural cycle. The latter situation means there’s a whole generation of unmarried late 20s and 30-somethings that are having to manage/control their biological and emotional needs for longer, which is no easy feat :-)

  2. Umm Khadijah

    May 8, 2013 at 4:42 AM

    Jazakallah for a great article! Now i know more things to worry over and pray for! ;)

  3. kalid

    May 8, 2013 at 6:10 AM

    Thank you for a nice article that never talks about, When I read the passage saying your perspective that ” guys should disclose that they are porn addicted, or they had been and now recovered, -and you wouldn’t mind ..”
    i believe this a wrong. why? because .
    as general women hates pornography(exceptional for hybrid womens nowdays)

    Overall the arousal of advertisements and women’s tight dress even our muslimahs(few/most) are filled around the town, magazines, offices and working places.
    some men hate this because Allah ask us to lower our gaze and looking at the women body except the wife is Haram (prohibited) but sometimes they fall in this Porn traffic, they wake up fight and fast ask forgiveness and after few days, he fall , but never give up, keep on trying to over come.

    but he may never disclose this to anyone except with Allah to ask help him.
    If a person disclose he may really need a women extreme support to save him from falling again.
    but if a person didn’t disclose to you and you get to know that he was in this battle before.
    better forget that and look at him as he is pious and no stain.

    Spying, Doubts, expecting high rank from partner but we fail to keep our rank to that level is a one of the key failure too.
    May Allah make our hearts clean save from the fitnah of this dunya and women. for men
    and May Allah make our sisters hearts clean from the fitnah of this dunya and greedy, desires, backbites, and all the small habbits that harm the human marriage life.

    sorry if any words offended, im really sad an upset of our muslim brothers and sisters.


    • Aashiq Hussain

      July 24, 2013 at 10:53 PM

      First, Since when did attraction(before marriage) become criteria for good marriage or good sexual life?

      Second, I think, If Allah covers your sins and faults then you would be an idiot to disclose them yourself.

      Well, I am a bit not in agreement with this article. I did found it useful to some extent though.

      A girl, according to this article, can look at a guy a see if she is attracted to the guy or not. I am not sure if you can look only at face and check your hormones. I assume, a girl would need to kinda scan his body for muscles or whatever makes a guy sexually attractive.
      How will a guy test his attraction for a hijabi girl? Ask her to take her Hijab off and let him have a good look?

      Then you say: “As someone who firmly believes in the wisdom of Allāh’s rules, I understand and accept that you can’t really have a test run in the bedroom before you get married…”
      Don’t you think this should have been first paragraph of the article?

      And those who were porn watchers in past, what should they do? Tell you that they used to watch porn? Why should they if they no longer do it. If Allah can forgive them who are you?
      It is like guys should marry only virgins, and girls should declare their virginity before hand. If Allah covers your sins don’t discover them.

      The Prophet once said,

      All my community are saved except those who disclose their sins. It is among disclosing one’s sins that one commits a sin at night under Allah’s covering and then wakes up in the morning telling someone “I did such and such”, after sleeping under Allah’s covering and waking up baring Allah’s covering. (Muslim)

      And this article ignores this Hadith:
      Abu Huraira (Allah be pleased with him) reported Allah’s Messenger (may peace be upon him) as saying: A woman may be married for four reasons: for her property, her status. her beauty and her religion, so try to get one who is religious, may your hand be besmeared with dust.

      It applies to husbands as well.

      In my humblest opinion, When you marry and love someone for the sake of Allah, He will help you with your marriage. How your partner satisfies you can only be known after marriage.

  4. Muhammad

    May 8, 2013 at 7:48 AM

    As a single brother I can’t stress how much respect and admiration I have for sisters who stay away from haram relationships and look forward to be with their husbands (especially nowadays). This article really opened me up to how difficult it can also be for single sisters remaining chaste. I HONESTLY thought this problem (hormones, etc) was primarily one for brothers. I think a woman’s modesty really covers that up, whereas it’s easier to tell with brothers. In short, mad respect to all patient single sisters!

    One of the best gifts one can give their spouse is remaining chaste for them. May Allah reward you all

  5. married 20+ years

    May 8, 2013 at 10:09 AM

    Attraction changes over the course of a relationship. The most attractive man can become very unappealing if he treats you badly I think personal grooming habits are more important than looks.

    As far as disclosing a pornography addiction, I do not think you should. Again you could get married never having seen porn and become addicted later on. God Forbid. Marriage is a commitment, it is challenging. Ask Allah to help you find the best spouse and then do your best, it will not always be a bed of roses.

  6. Liv

    May 8, 2013 at 11:16 AM

    Porn is a gender-blind problem, but as with so many things we Muslims are wont to acknowledge that women can become porn addicts as well as men, especially if they are sexually starved or frustrated. There are many people who hate porn, many women, but its human nature to be aroused by porn regardless of gender. Just wanted to point this out, as this IS an issue for many young Muslimas well but its still taboo for them to come out with their problem and seek help. They were endure a much greater stigma.

  7. Naveed

    May 8, 2013 at 12:52 PM

    Ma sha Allah. Kudos to the muslimmatters team for bringing up a topic as sensitive as this. As a 21 year old soon to be married in sha Allah, I would say this article has provided a real good insight into what to look after and work upon before and more importantly after entering a marriage.

  8. Dreamlife

    May 8, 2013 at 3:57 PM

    JazakAllah to MuslimMatters and the author here for bringing new perspectives to a topic that is so often just not discussed. With the amount of perversion and sickness in the world today, just avoiding the topic really can’t be a healthy way to handle the issue…

  9. Dee-jected (@dureen_anwer)

    May 9, 2013 at 6:09 AM

    Beautifully written. And I am glad that we are opening up to the idea of talking about such matters in a respectful and educated manner without the fear of being judged.

    • Hena Zuberi

      May 9, 2013 at 12:57 PM

      Jazakillah Khayra for your comment. We would still be judged that is why we had the writers wrote this series anonymously. Unfortunately our societies have massive double standards and if this sister had written with her name her real life and marriage proposals would have been affected.

      Let’s face it we have a long way to go but we are delighted at the response and support for this series.

      • Hyde

        May 9, 2013 at 2:11 PM

        Thank God the sister did not write with her name. I comprehend “Judge not, lest ye be judged”, but we are Muslims. The fact that sister did not use name, I think is a sign of respect and is admirability.

        We may have double standards, but let not internet/anonymity allow us to slip into anarchy.

        Yes these are touchy but important topics, but lets forget the hallmark of our deen is modesty.

        The hayha of our Ummah is slowly slipping, and I am not saying that articles like these are harbingers for that change; on the contrary this is the best way for sister to write an article on a important issue. As a gentleman/brother, I would not mind if my name was shown or not, but that is because I am male. For a sister to to discuss sexuality in a public platform, again I think, is treading down a slippery slope. Even with crucial issues such as this, if our beloved sisters lose their modesty, we are indeed doomed. (Women are pillars of modesty/shame in a society, not men).

        Jazakillah Khayra

        • Zainab bint Younus

          May 15, 2013 at 11:55 PM

          The idea that “women are pillars of modesty, not men” is completely contradictory to Islam. Ahadeeth state that hayaa’ is a part of emaan – without stating that it is meant for women over men!

          In fact, RasulAllah approved of Sahabiyaat who were very blunt and open about discussing matters related to sexuality.

          Umm Salama (Allah be pleased with her) relates that Umm Sulaym (Allah be pleased with her) came to the Messenger of Allah (Allah bless him & give him peace) and said, “O Messenger of Allah, Surely, Allah is not shy of the truth. Is it necessary for a woman to take a ritual bath after she has a wet dream?” The Messenger of Allah (Allah bless him & give him peace) replied: “Yes, if she notices a discharge.” Umm Salama covered her face and asked, “O Messenger of Allah! Does a woman have a discharge?” He replied: “Yes, let your right hand be in dust [an Arabic expression said light-heartedly to someone whose statement you contradict], how does the son resemble his mother?” (Sahih al-Bukhari 130)

          Sayyida A’isha (Allah be pleased with her) said: “How praiseworthy are the women of Ansar; shyness does not prevent them from having a deep understanding of religion.”

          • Hyde

            May 16, 2013 at 8:34 AM

            Agreed, but then he was the Best of Creation. I did not say that women should not take about the most intimate of things, but rather the medium in which the message is conveyed.

            I think I should have not written:
            “For a sister to to discuss sexuality in a public platform, again I think, is treading down a slippery slope”.

            I am think about submitting an entry about the medium of the Internet i.e. Mr./Ms. Anonymous and how it can actually fitnas and turmoil.

            Sexuality is not only humane but beautiful. But for example would anybody discuss intricate details of sexual practices between a husband and a wife in front of kids that still trying to finish ‘yasil -Quran’ ?

            I stand by that women are not only the pillars of modesty, but set the standards themselves. But by no means am I alluding that men are bestial animals, and if they were to do something bad, it is the women’s fault (i.e. Astigfirullah, “she was asking for it”). Absolutely not.
            But especially in the West, men have already be “destroyed” far as modesty is concerned & if the women go too, what will happen to the children ?

            -Jazakillah Khayra
            (Pessimistic Brother)

          • Dark Knight

            May 26, 2013 at 1:28 PM

            @Zainab: Women of Ansar did not publicly go around telling people how horny they were feeling, like the author does in this dumb article, and other dumb articles on sexuality recently published on this blog

  10. Brother

    May 9, 2013 at 2:14 PM

    Alhamdulillah, beneficial article. Jazaakumullahu khayran.

    I’d just like to reiterate the concern about the sister’s suggestion to disclose a person’s past sins. I understand that it is certainly a troubling issue, but it goes against the teaching of our prophet (saaw) that a person should not publicize their sins when Allah has prevented them from being exposed. It’s a little disappointing that she recognizes that but still puts forth this suggestion…

  11. Latch

    May 9, 2013 at 5:41 PM

    The naive desire of men to have innocent little flowers as wives never ceases to amaze me. I am a brother and I have made a great many mistakes in my day. Im young, still looking to get married, and still trying to make peace with myself and Allah for the things Ive done. Ive never had sex, thank Allah, but after all has been said and done I know that I have zero right to hold anything against any woman. Bad things happen to good people and good people have done bad things.

    As Muslims and as people we should hope to find someone who matches us in both deen and values. Too often I see ignorant brothers bad talking good girls for no reason other than they dont wear a hjiab or are a little more outspoken. Get over yourself. Its wonderful if a woman has remained chaste and hasnt been in a relationship but more often than not brothers begin going “back home” for the sake of finding women who are submissive, inexperienced and “innocent” because they believe no woman here in the US is worth anything anymore. That, to say the least, is stupid and unintelligent.

    Now, as for porn, its becoming more and more difficult to avoid and comes down to changing what you teach a child or young man rather than chastising them for ever having done it. “Addiction” is a mental thing. All additions can be broken. If you need help, get it, but understand that it comes down to you and your mentality. Ive looked at porn and there comes a point where its just stupid and useless. You have to go from I SHOULDNT or CANT to I DONT WANT.

    I may be different from other people, and I know there are nightmare cases, but for me I need the real thing now. I want to feel real flesh and make a woman really smile. Am I going to tell my wife what Ive done? No, not unless she asks. Its stupid to hope otherwise and insensitive for a woman to ask unless she suspects a problem. Some men wont want to revisit.

    Do our Muslim parents screw up the topic of sex? Completely. Do they screw up the topic of true displays of affection? Of course. Do they screw up the true meaning of love for their kids? Yes. So parents, if you’re reading this ask yourself – do you kiss each other in front of your child? Hold hands? Do they know that its OK to kiss but get taught that its WHO you kiss and WHEN that matters? Do they know what sex is and that its OK but get taught that its WHO you sex and WHEN that matters? No…so many of you DONT. Think a little. Leave home back home. Your kids need you.

    • Gibran

      May 10, 2013 at 1:36 AM

      Assalamualaikum wa rahmatullahi wa barakatuh

      The Prophet, sallalallahualayhiwasalam, has said:

      “All of my nation is apt to be forgiven except for those who commit sins openly. Included among those who commit sins openly is where a person performs a deed during the night and although Allah had concealed that sin, in the morning he says, ‘O so and so, last night I did such and such.’ He spent the night being concealed by Allah and in the morning he uncovered Allah’s concealment from himself.” [Bukhari]

      I want an innocent little flower for myself(smiley face.) There is nothing wrong with that…….

      You last paragraph nailed it in the head. Totally right.

    • Umm Reem

      May 27, 2013 at 3:25 AM

      Do our Muslim parents screw up the topic of sex? Completely. Do they screw up the topic of true displays of affection? Of course. Do they screw up the true meaning of love for their kids? Yes. So parents, if you’re reading this ask yourself – do you kiss each other in front of your child? Hold hands? Do they know that its OK to kiss but get taught that its WHO you kiss and WHEN that matters? Do they know what sex is and that its OK but get taught that its WHO you sex and WHEN that matters? No…so many of you DONT. Think a little. Leave home back home. Your kids need you.

      you just hit the nail on the head. Thank you!

  12. aa

    May 9, 2013 at 9:43 PM

    I have noticed that quite a few commenters are troubled by the sister’s suggestion that a prospective spouse should disclose a porn addiction. If it is something from the past that is in control then it is perhaps best to follow Sunnah and not make known what Allah has concealed. But if the problem is ongoing and the individual has not overcome their addiction, I think the situation is different. You are joining your life with another person through marriage, so much so, that it is completing “half your deen”. If you are not telling your partner about a serious ongoing addiction (porn/gambling/alcohol) then you are deceiving them. People don’t magically recover after they are married. What often happens is that the partner is shocked after discovering the addiction (which they inevitably will) and feel they do not know the person they have married. Some may say these people would never be able to marry if they revealed such addictions but you really have to ask yourself how fair this is to the spouses? How can people with serious addictions form healthy attachments, raise healthy families? Of course, marriage is everyones right but I believe such issues should be addressed BEFORE marriage – not expected to magically solve themselves after but indeed, Allah knows best.

  13. Toyeeb Ibn Muslihdeen Al-Adejumo

    May 9, 2013 at 11:41 PM


    Shukran to the writer for a very well adressed issue. And I also thought only brothers thinks about that. I would like to add a point that might be of relief to brothers and sisters who lead a chaste way of living. They would have the advantage of enjoying sex’s pleasure without having any previous experience to compare it with. And if any,it would be minimal. I think Sh. Yasir’s likeagarment is a very important session for us.

  14. Hyde

    May 11, 2013 at 10:45 AM

    In light of this entry, I would like to know what is the opinion of others regarding female sexulaity and, I guess, the issue of virginity/chastity. Along with the “Damaged Goods” blog post, I thought it was befitting to put the two article in this entry.

    (One of the articles is extremely forward and uses vituperative language, so I am assuming MM will assess it’s content before allowing this comment).

    I really want to see see the gauge on this particular issue in light of this absurdity of femem and some of horrific stuff I had recently seen on other blogs, i.e. “milk of the goat”.

  15. Married Brother

    May 12, 2013 at 4:19 PM

    Prior to marriage, sexual feelings appear so powerful and uncontrollable and people weave around a lot of expectations and personal myths around it… of course, the current society and problem of porn only makes it worse… At the same time, articles like these for single people do not help in addressing those.. It only exacerbates the issue ..

    As a married man who has gone through the turmoil of controlling the urge before marriage and have been never been in any haram relationship (Alhamdullilah) .. My advice to this sister author, and other young unmarried men and women is that to control your urge just for the sake of Allah…and do not give up to your urges and keep fighting…InshallAH, Allah will rewared you in this life and in hereafter and will soon provide halaal means to address your urges. But at the same time, do not over build expectations around sex….Instead , seek to acheive higher goals through marriage which our reliegon teaches us. Once you are married, you will be quickly disillusion by its actual reality. Its just a hunger .. Imagine how you feel before you are extremely hungry.. Yes it feels really good after eating food and you feel thankful to Allah .. The urge for sex is exactly like hunger for food. yes it is important to address it in a halal way but this in itself isnot everything. You might be surprised after marriage to see how big “sex” appeared to be .. and how undeserving is this act to be given so much importance and to be made cenral focus of articles and dicussions …

    Well, I guess Its all nature’s game to get you to procreate..

    • Hyde

      May 12, 2013 at 5:26 PM

      Valuable advice for young unmarried brothers.

    • Aashiq Hussain

      July 24, 2013 at 11:16 PM

      Honestly, this article reminds me of some guys(my friends) who want their wives to be attractive. Those they can enjoy. And you know what they want these women to have ? big busoms (Sorry for being open or may be vulgar). Now, if a girl doesn’t meet their criterion they won’t marry such girl.

      I don’t think, this author’s attraction and their attractions are of different types. Both have to do with sex appeal, not what other person’s inner-self is like. And both leave you partner-less. Guy gave up his porn addiction but what is girl gonna do? Cosmetic operations?

      *This comment was edited by the MM Comments Team in order to comply with our Comments Policy*

  16. kinza

    May 13, 2013 at 2:42 PM

    sex is always taboo and especially women sexuality have been repressed since ages. sex is very strong passion in human body and mind. Muslim countries deal with this matter with very narrow approach. it is required more pragmatic approach to fix this problem

  17. Dark Knight

    May 26, 2013 at 5:34 AM

    Another article with the author whining about how men are overweight, men watch porn, men do this, men do that – women are perfect, right? Why don’t women write about their bodies, their irritating behaviour, their demanding nature, and their equality obsessed brain – why do women take a seat in the bus when it is offered by a man? – equality is only applicable when it works in favour of dumb women.


    *Comment edited by Comments Team to comply with MM policies*
    *Comment Team warning: please refrain from being crass and rude*

    • Hyde

      May 26, 2013 at 10:44 AM

      Wow! This article was specially addressing from a sister’s point of view. Your language is is really crude and bad to say the least. And besides weight and addiction are problem/issues people get into or acquire by lifestyle choices; particular proportional body parts are God-Given.
      Perhaps you ought to back in the shadows.

      • lol

        March 14, 2015 at 9:38 AM

        Salam alaykum, thanks dark knight, for pointing out dumb women by being an example of a dumb man.

        “why do women take a seat in the bus when it’s offered by a man?”
        seriously? what are you talking about? i offer seats to old ladies because they have arthritis and they’re old. it’s the human thing to do. has nothing to do with gender. i’ll give up my seat for any old person.

        and talking about equality obsession. the comment from Live Islam is on point: “what I’ve noticed with many Muslim males is that they are all for following the religion when it talks about their rights and are willing to shove it down everybody’s throats, however the minute Islam preaches women’s rights they suddenly are not so keen to listen anymore and when females fight for their Islamic given rights they are labelled as feminists.”

        PBUH was clear on this:
        “O People, it is true that you have certain rights with regard to your women, but they also have rights over you. Remember that you have taken them as your wives only under Allah’s trust and with His permission. If they abide by your right then to them belongs the right to be fed and clothed in kindness. Do treat your women well and be kind to them for they are your partners and committed helpers.”

        We’re in this together bud. Men and Women. Smart and Dumb people. Peace

  18. Fritz

    May 26, 2013 at 5:40 PM

    @Dark Knight. (Going to generalise here) There is certainly an arguement to be made that women regualrly dose themselves (or are dosed by the media) in “emotional” porn. The unrealistic impossible to fullfill fantasies of fairytale romance from cinemas/magzines etc that are then unloaded onto the husband on a daily basis. And lets not forget that in many marriages sex is used as a bargaining weapon to try and extract as many of these carpricous demands as possible. I think women need to be eduated on just how destructive this can be (as Sheikh Yasir Qadhi has done in the Like a Garment series).

    Couple the above with feminism and you have 60% of divorce cases in the US are initiated by women (note: in the majority there is no suggestion of abuse; just “he didnt meet my emotional needs” aka unsatiable demands)

    • Dark Knight

      May 27, 2013 at 1:08 PM

      @Fritz: Thanks and God bless ….

    • Hyde

      May 28, 2013 at 7:21 AM

      It is the culture itself in which women are literally groomed to think that their fantasy knight in shining armour is going to come and sweep them off their feet. And not to say that men do not have their imaginative social grooming either. Just that we live in a horrible and toxic culture.

  19. Live Islam

    July 6, 2013 at 8:36 PM

    LOL what I’ve noticed with many Muslim males is that they are all for following the religion when it talks about their rights and are willing to shove it down everybody’s throats, however the minute Islam preaches women’s rights they suddenly are not so keen to listen anymore and when females fight for their Islamic given rights they are labelled as feminists. Also it amazes me how many Muslim parents can insert gender differences in clear issues such as zina. Islam prescribed the same punishment for a person who commits zina, whether female or male. However parents tend to overlook the situation when their son commits zina, but the minute their daughter does she is physically, mentally and emotionally abused. Why the double standard in things that are so clear in Islam is what I find so hard to understand. Such double standards are not beneficial to either genders. Boys grow up being carefree and free from judgment even when their actions are major haram, while girls grow up believing Islam favours males when it doesn’t. Its the parents who favour males. Sad thing is, this favouritism of males and bending the Islamic rules to let males run wild is not only seen in parents who are ignorant about Islam, it’s also common in some practising families. May Allah save us from such double standards. Ameen.

  20. Aashiq Hussain

    July 24, 2013 at 11:25 PM

    Why didn’t Prophet mention Physical attraction when he said look for religious one when choosing for partners?
    Why? Because, you can gain weight after few months of marriage. Most women gain some weight after pregnancy. What do you do then? You go out and look for another attractive man/woman?

    We Muslims should keep Hadiths and Quran in sight when giving our own opinions in articles.
    Sexual Attraction is not criterion for marriage.

    • Diana

      August 26, 2013 at 4:03 AM

      It is practical and sunnah to check if you find yourself attracted to the person you are considering for marriage. Here are 3 ahadith:

      Sayyiduna Abu Hurayra (Allah be pleased with him) narrates: I was in the company of the Messenger of Allah (Allah bless him & give him peace) when a man came and informed him that he had contracted to marry a woman of the Ansar. The Messenger of Allah (Allah bless him & give him peace) said to him: “Did you cast a glance at her? He said: No. He said: “Go and look at her, for there is something in the eyes of the Ansar”. (Sahih Muslim, no. 1423)

      Sayyiduna Mughira ibn Shu’bah (Allah be pleased with him) narrates that he proposed to a woman for marriage. The Messenger of Allah (Allah bless him & give him peace) said to him: “Look at her, for it may produce love between you.” (Sunan Tirmidhi, no. 1087, Musnad Ahmad, Sunan Nasa’i & Sunan Ibn Majah)

      Sayyiduna Jabir (Allah be pleased with him) narrates that the Messenger of Allah (Allah bless him & give him peace) said: “When one of you proposes to a woman for marriage, then if he is able to look at what will induce him to marry her, he should do so.” (Sunan Abu Dawud and Musnad Ahmad).

      As far as the hadith: A woman may be married for four reasons: for her property, her status. her beauty and her religion, so try to get one who is religious, may your hand be besmeared with dust.”, I think it means looks should not be heavier on the scale of criteria than religion or that a woman shouldn’t be married for her looks alone.

      Personally, I don’t think I can marry a man I didn’t feel attracted to and I know I couldn’t marry a man who didn’t take his deen seriously. After all, he will be my lover for the rest of our married lives and half of my deen.

  21. Aisa

    December 13, 2013 at 1:39 PM


    I have just got a wedding proposal and Alhamdulillah, all info about the guy is OK. However, am not physically/sexually attracted to the boy. Any advice please. Also, I have prayed Istikhara. Jazaak Allah


  22. Ali

    February 13, 2014 at 4:16 PM

    please read this book:- “unblemished-youth”

  23. Pingback: Muslim Vignettes on Female Sexuality | NewlyWeds |

  24. naijawife

    February 24, 2014 at 11:22 AM

    very well put. My husband and I (practicing Christians) took time out to do a lot of Godly research before getting married. We talked about all the books we read here (and the hilarity that ensued as a result)

  25. Amina

    July 5, 2015 at 2:47 AM

    Alhamdulillah, this article depicts my thoughts and feelings on this matter. Looking to get married, I am higly tensed regarding this topic and I have the same questions running through my head. How do you ask someone if they are into porn? Personally, I would be offended if I was asked that question.
    Jazakhallah for writing this.

  26. Jeremy Boulter

    January 20, 2016 at 12:56 PM

    I have the greatest privilege of having had guidance to the deen of Islam from Allah at the age of 45 sixteen years ago. Previous to that I was Christian, white and from the western culture Asians who go home for marriage despise.

    Someone said: “Why didn’t Prophet, may Allah praise him and grant him peace, mention physical attraction when he said “look for one who is religious” when choosing a wife?” I have to say he did. He said, “a woman may be married for her beauty,” as can be seen in the hadeeth:

    “A woman may be married for four reasons: for her property, her status. her beauty and her religion, so try to get one who is religious.”

    Diana also helpfully quoted other ahadeeth where the Prophet, may Allah praise him and grant him peace, suggested looking a the bride one was considering to kindle the feeling of attraction.

    From before Islam, I can attest to feelings that can be kindled of repulsion, as well as attraction, when one gets close to a woman with whom you intend to copulate. Pheromones, hormones, looks small or what was the cause? I do not know. But there is wisdom in meeting, approaching and talking to the one you are considering marrying even if this is under parental supervision.

    I can also attest that marrying someone purely for the deen even if not immensely attracted to her kindles long and enduring appreciation and attraction over time. Patience and coaxing and getting comfortable together over the years and through several pregnancies and deliveries produce fruits late in life that were just dreams in the bashful beginnings.

    Even though a sister is one of those who may have prescribed to the notion of a bargain – the notion that the husband has bought enjoyment through the halal contract of marriage – and is relatively frigid due to such low expectations – time will eventually overcome as long as you do not leave her hanging. (Quran 4:129)

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