Dr. O blogs at Muslim Medicine, a site that strives to serve only the freshest grade-A certified ẓabiḥah ḥalāl comedy. Contact your local ḥalāl butcher for more details.
Ahhh, Public High School. Despite graduating from there a little more than 5 years ago, I still remember my senior year like it was just yesterday. Probably because that was one of the most embarrassingly awkward years of my life due to my fobby mustache growing out of control. Back then, it was all about following ridiculous but popular trends, trading Pokemon cards (because no one ever really knew how to play with them), spending weekends studying for the SATs and the ACTs, Greg’s pants falling down in the middle of the hallway, David getting dumped by Candice in the middle of the cafeteria, and of course, who could forget Katherine getting OWNED by a bumpy bus ride:
LOL!! HAHAHA!! I mean, astaghfirullah. I should be lowering my gaze.
Ahhhhhhh… …good times, good times.
But amongst all of the wonderful things that most High School Seniors look forward to, there’s one event that every faithful Muslim brother and sister utterly dreads. Yes, my friends. I’m talking about the annual demonic festival of hormonally-repressed acne-faced youth who nefariously gather to revel in a night of fiendish debauchery in order to expend their youthful vigor in a druidic cabal of self-aggrandizement that irreversibly corrupts the faith of our community and decays the very moral fiber of our society.
I’m talking about PROM NIGHT.
Hold on, I know what you’re thinking- based upon the sheer number of pretentious SAT words in that previous paragraph, you probably think that I was a huge nerd back in high school and that I’m only hating on Prom out of angry bitterness over never being asked out to it. You’re right about the nerd part- but surprisingly, I actually was asked out to Prom by a girl in my AP Biology class, and boy oh boy was it an AWKWARD pretense for starting a da’wah conversation.
But anyways, my awkwardness aside, why is prom bad, you ask? Well, I hope you haven’t been to one to know first-hand why it’s not exactly an ideal spot for a very young and highly impressionable Muslim boy or girl, but just trust me when I say that for all of the temptations and nonsense that you have to resist in those High School hallways every day, Prom Night pretty much cranks the haram-o-meter up to level 10, and the after-prom parties crank up the haraminess rating to obscenely fitna-tastic levels. It ‘aint a pretty sight my friends, and for some of the girls it doesn’t get much prettier the morning after, so its best to avoid that cesspool of hormones altogether and do something more spiritually productive with your fellow Muslim friends like growing beard hairs (not recommended for girls) or putting cute henna designs on your hands (not recommended for guys).
This is what your nafs looks like on prom night…
…but this is what your īmān looks like
As this fiesta of foulness rapidly approaches at this time of the year and looms eerily over the susceptible heads of our young Muslim high school seniors, it’s best to equip yourself with the very best of da’wah-proven techniques and certified ẓabiḥah ḥalāl abilities to ward off the temptations of Prom, and to come up with the perfect escape responses to safely dodge Prom questions and reject prom advances. Fortunately for you, I have just the guide to save your Senior year from ending in a blaze of regret!
PROM DATE REJECTION GUIDE FOR BROTHERS
Yeah, I know that awkward feeling, brothers. Every other guy in the school is hooking up with girls for the Prom and you’re the sole dude in the class who isn’t part of the search team nor even remotely interested in anything going on. Been there, done that. But sooner or later they’re going to notice, and then it’ll be your moment of truth- will you stand your ground and do your part for da’wah and defend your chastity and honor as a Muslim man? Or will you try to sneakily find ways of coming up with compelling excuses and dodging their judgmental eyes with well-timed defense mechanisms?
If the da’wah method doesn’t work, then don’t worry- I have a solution for you guys. Take it from someone who actually got asked out to the Prom in his senior year- I’ve got a whole swath of sure-fire techniques for you to dodge Prom, and reject date proposals from girls like a professional!
1 STOP GROOMING YOUR FACIAL HAIR
The epic sunnah-style beard is a universal symbol of masculinity and manhood- and to an unsuspecting girl, a nicely styled and combed beard with well-trimmed edges that behaves due to its mesmerizing bounce and volume as a result of your fancy L’Oreal shampoo and conditioner is a shining beacon of attractiveness that will no doubt entice her to ask you out to Prom. She probably wants to show off your beard to all her friends at Prom Night to make them feel jealous of your epic facial hair. But here’s how to protect your beard from unwanted advances- just stop grooming it. Don’t cut it, shape it, wash it, or even touch it for 3 months, and watch as your face becomes a powerful Prom repellent!
Nope. There isn’t a single girl out there who would even think twice about asking YOU out to the prom once you look like that! Unless she’s just as hairy as you are, in which case that hairy face will probably attract her even more.
2 STOP WEARING DEODORANT
This is by far the most effective technique of warding off girls from asking you out to the prom, so take special note of this highly-refined and deeply-complex technique, passed down from master and pupil for centuries. The technique requires a level of intense focus and preparation to perform, but I know that if you pull this off, you’ll make your great escape from awkward Prom date requests. Take your deodorant sprays and/or bars, and carefully toss them in the trash. Then, every day before school starts, go jogging for about an hour around the neighborhood, and work up a good sweat. Then head straight to school without changing clothes or showering.
Trust us on this, NO ONE in that entire school will bother you about Prom again for weeks. Your body odor will kick like Bruce Lee, and your stench will be more offensive than a Danish Cartoon. Problem solved!
3 WEAR A FAKE WEDDING RING AND PRETEND TO BE MARRIED
This is without a doubt every single teenage brother’s fantasy come true- finally, a chance to have a legitimate reason to wear a fake wedding ring and pretend to be married in public! YESSS!!! We know you’ve always wanted to do this ever since you were 13, so we’re giving you an actual appropriate means of pretending to be married! Is it sad and pathetic? Sure. But does anyone else know that? Nope! And that’s the beauty of this anti-Prom date technique.
Girls will instantly be repelled by your fake married-status, and if they’re actually brave enough to ask you who you’re married to, just tell them she’s much prettier than they are, and they’ll get offended and walk off (when guys ask you the same question, tell them that she’s prettier than they are, too). Your fake imaginary wife will be so flattered you said that about her!
WARNING: depending on how well you convince others (and yourself) of your own marital status, this technique may very well stop you from actually getting married to a real sister later on in life. If this happens to you, I hope you’ve got a great imagination, because you’ll probably stay married in your own mind for a long, long time.
PROM DATE REJECTION GUIDE FOR SISTERS
Yeah, I know that awkward feeling, sisters. Okay well to be honest… I don’t, since I’m a guy and all, but I’ll just assume I know what it’s like for you. All the girls around you chattering incessantly about who they’ve got crushes on, and who they want to ask out to prom, and of course the hilarious stories of how the popular girls offer crushing rejections to the geeks over at the Chess and Math Olympics clubs. LOL, those poor geeks.
It’s great to laugh at, sure- but when the girls start figuring out you’re not going to Prom, and you’re not expressing any interest in prom dates or prom dresses, you’re gonna start to feel the pressure when they begin to cast their judgmental and condescending glares at you. That’s when it’s time to slam your foot down, straighten your ḥijāb, and tell them like it is!
…and if that doesn’t work out, don’t worry-I understand that High School is a much tougher place for sisters than it is for guys, and Prom time makes things even tougher. So here are 3 sure-fire techniques to repel guys from asking you out to Prom and to keep the other girls from harassing you!
1 WEAR A CONVINCING FAKE BEARD
Hahaha! Okay, I’m totally kidding with this first one. Well, I’m kidding with all of these absurd suggestions, but this one’s pretty funny. Can you imagine how ridiculous you’d look wearing a ḥijāb and having a huge tuft of hair covering your lower face like a hairy niqāb? That’s hilarious (and nasty)- but honestly, this would probably be the most POWERFUL guy-repellent in the history of mankind.
Maybe a sister who actually has one of these would be a suitable match for the Wolfman-brother shown above…
2 PUT ON A SCARY NIQAB
Wearing niqāb already makes sisters look like awesome shuriken-wielding ninjas- but putting on the right niqāb style can transform even the most shy and tame ḥijābi sister into a scary horror-movie slasher that no high school guy in his right mind would have the courage to ask out to the Prom. How exactly is this done, you ask? Its simple. Just take a look below:
See? 1,2,3 and presto! You’ve got yourself a sister protected from all sorts of temptations! And that costume makes for great da’wah conversation starters, too. Just don’t head to any airports wearing that…
3 BRING YOUR DAD TO SCHOOL
There’s only one thing that strikes more pure terror in the hearts of men than seeing a sister dressed up as a costumed horror-movie slasher- dealing with her angry dad. Want high school guys to leave you alone, or better yet, ANY guy to leave you alone? Bring your dad to school with you before Prom and watch in giddy glee as he scowls furiously with utter disgust and disdain at all of the poor, unsuspecting guys in your high school.
There isn’t a single guy alive who would have the guts to even approach you within a 5 mile radius when you’ve got an angry dad standing behind you, lest they risk the paternal punishment of getting pulverized by a mountain of over-protective might. Angry-looking dads are one of the most effective anti-fitna tools that sisters have at their disposal to ward off unwanted advances.
WARNING: Do not allow an angry dad to come into contact with a sweet-talking pre-med Muslim student from a great family aspiring to be a doctor, who also happens to have all the same interests as your dad. The angry dad technique may completely backfire, and you might end up having an even more nerve-wracking situation to deal with than Prom itself.
All in all, whether its a High School Prom, a Friday-night college party, or Happy Hour at your office, as respectable Muslim men and women, you need to avoid events and parties that you know for sure are going to be questionable environments that will tempt you towards that which is contrary to your faith and character. As the Holy Qur’an so beautifully puts it:
The one who does a bad deed shall be recompensed to the extent of the bad deed done; and the one who is a believer and does good deeds, whether man or woman, shall enter Paradise and therein receive sustenance without measure. [Surah Al-Mu’min, Verse 40]
There’s a wondrous party filled with boundless things beyond your wildest imagination waiting up above in His Eternal Gardens. So if you had to choose between a single-night party at your local high school and a never-ending party in Jannah– which would you prefer to go to?