Relationships
Shaykhy Crushes: Trials in the Lives of Men of Knowledge
Note: This is not meant to be a generalization about Muslim women, if it applies to you then take benefit, if it does not then use it to assist others who it might apply to, but do not take offence as that is not my intention. I debated with myself for many months on whether to write about this topic or not. It is a controversial issue and many people might misunderstand the article. Nonetheless, recent developments in the lives of some Shuyookh that I know personally made me realize the importance of writing about this topic.
When I first began studying Islam and getting involved in Islamic work, one of the major motivators for me was that this field would keep me away from the fitnah of the opposite gender. For every young man and woman, one of the greatest trials we face is dealing with members of the opposite gender without falling into sin. Originally, and it was naive of me, I thought Islamic work would put me in a position in which I would not have to deal with these situations. Unfortunately, I was wrong.
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There is a trend among contemporary, practicing Muslims which I find rather disturbing, this trend is what I call a “Shaykhy Crush”. I have noticed at many Islamic events, from classes to conferences, practicing Muslim women who follow the Deen in dress and Ibadah, developing crushes and falling in love with the speakers and teachers. This has led to many dangerous scenarios.
The following are a few real life examples I have encountered:
1) At an Islamic course, some sisters were discussing how handsome the Shaykh is. When an elderly sister told them not to talk about him like that as he is married, they responded, “So what? We can still marry him,” and continued their discussion.
2) At an Islamic conference, many sisters were not discussing the content of the lectures but how beautiful the Imam sounded with his gorgeous French accent, or how “handsome and sweet” another Shaykh’s smile was. “It melts my heart” were words I heard.
3) Recently, a Shaykh took a second wife, this triggered a discussion online between sisters who admitted they were “going gaga” over him and wished they were his second wife.
4) A sister recently told a Shaykh that she is no longer satisfied with her husband as she is only attracted to students of knowledge now. A married sister told her teacher that she is unsatisfied with her husband and had a dream that she was married to him.
5) A Shaykh deleted his Facebook account because married women on Facebook were claiming to have fallen in love with him.
These are just few of many such incidents that I have encountered in this field. As to what is the cause of this, Allah knows best. Perhaps some of our sisters can shed some light on this for us in the comments section. It could be that studying Islam has been glamorized and students of knowledge are treated like celebrities or it could be that some Shuyookh unintentionally do things that attract women. Many times these feelings may be natural as Muslim women may see an ideal man in a married teacher of knowledge but acting upon this feelings is unwise. Furthermore, social engineering promoted by sites like Facebook makes behavior, like comments, that would never be acceptable face to face, seem normal. We have to remember that there is still a human behind that wall with a family. I do not know the exact causes but this is definitely a growing problem in Western countries.
The problems that arise from this situation are multiple; here are some of the major issues:
1) Corruption of a student of knowledge’s intentions. We, students, are human and love women just as much as the next man (I’m going to get in trouble for saying that), so when we are trying to teach Islam and keep ourselves and our thoughts chaste, the female fans don’t make it easy for us. I noticed many students of knowledge starting to dress smarter and act differently when they realize they have the attention of the single sisters and there is a major chance that this can affect their intention of teaching for the sake of Allah.
2) Too many single sisters want to marry a Shaykh, and some begin to consider polygamy. The problem here is that the Shaykh might not be interested in such a relationship, and in an extreme case or two, a Shaykh rejecting such a notion has led to jealousy and harassment of the Shaykh and his wife.
3) Married sisters begin to develop crushes on their teachers and start to compare their husbands to the teacher, which leads to dissatisfaction in their marriage and eventually marital conflicts.
4) Sometimes the Shaykh and his wife have a happy marital life until a sister (or two) ask him if he wants a second wife, without considering his current wife’s feelings. This can cause problems between the Shaykh and his wife, as well as jealousy and could lead to the breakdown of a once-happy marriage.
5) There is always the potential danger of Zina, even with students of knowledge especially if the attraction is mutual.
These are just some of the negative consequences of this trend. I would like to conclude with some advice for both the sisters and the Shaykhs.
Advice to sisters who are seeking knowledge:
1) Lower your gaze: Remember that he is your teacher, a man of Islamic knowledge and a married man too. So look at him with respect, not desire.
2) Purify your intentions: When attending a lecture, make a sincere intention to learn and benefit from the teacher for the sake of Allah, and do not attend just because Shaykh Yusuf is teaching and you love the sound of his voice. I do not want to discourage any sister from seeking knowledge, just gently reminding them of Shaytan’s plot.
3) Walk in her shoes: Think about his wife and her feelings and do not say or do anything that could cause a problem in their marriage.
4) Choose a husband realistically: Not every woman can marry a Shaykh, so focus on finding a good Muslim man who will care for you and do not compare him to the Shuyookh. Find a good guy and thank Allah for allowing you to marry him and appreciate his efforts to please you.
5) Modesty is key: Remember that talking about how handsome the Shaykh is against haya and not befitting students of knowledge to discuss their teacher in such a manner with each other.
Advice to young Shuyookh in dealing with this Fitnah:
1) Lower Your Gaze: Do not look at the sisters in the audience too much. Focus your gaze on the men in your audience. If there is a sister who attracts you or you know is attracted to you, do not look at her at all (without being rude or disrespectful).
2) Purify Your Intention: Always remember that you are teaching for the sake of Allah and not to attract a female fan club so behave appropriately and modestly.
3) Avoid any unnecessary interaction with women. Do not keep single sisters on your instant messenger contact list, or talk to them for hours on the phone, and if they catch you in the hallway to ask a question, keep it brief, polite and to the point.
4) Think about your wife: Anytime you are attracted to a student of yours, think about your wife and everything she does for you. Think about her sacrifices and this will fill you with guilt for even feeling such attraction to another woman.
5) Dress up better for your wife than others: It should not be such that whenever you go out to teach a class, you are dressed in your best thowb with your best Itr, while at home you do not bother looking (or smelling good) for your wife. Remember the example of Ibn Abbas and deal with your wife accordingly.
6) Get married: If you are serious about polygamy, do it the right way so that people do not gossip or spread rumors about you and you avoid breaking any sister’s heart.
I hope these tips help us all to remain firm on the straight path. Remember the devils spend more time trying to mislead those who are walking the righteous path and so we need to be careful of these pitfalls of Shaytaan in which he tries to use our good deeds (teaching, studying) to lead us to commit sins.
Anything good I have said is from Allah, and any mistakes are my own and we seek refuge in Allah from giving wrong advice and from all forms of fitnah.
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BintKhalil
June 6, 2011 at 1:00 AM
Assalamu alaikum
I think this, right here is key. The celebritydom that is being built around rockstar shuyukh has many ill repercussions, and the wavering of intentions might be the least serious of them.
Imrana
June 7, 2011 at 4:01 PM
I was a sister who didn’t know I was in love with a student of knowledge. After I married I was upset that i did not like my marriage, I just finished my divorce. I read this and over night I thought hard and come to feel that the reason is that i fell in love with a student of knowledge. The reality is the younger ones don’t help us women! They give us love and they sometimes give us the ‘eye’ first. I vow now never to look another lecturer in the eye. It takes a broken marriage to realize. This should be read by all women and lecturers.
Muslimah
June 8, 2011 at 4:39 AM
Subhan Allaah sister.. may Allaah ease your pain..
Noor
July 22, 2020 at 4:17 PM
Subhan Allaah, this is just the way Allaah swt made us. Biologically, male and female mating strategies are different. Polygyny and Hypergamy respectively.
There is no reason to shame women into “thinking of the other sister first.” That would be unrealistic, as a person, man or woman should put their needs first. However, it should be done with consideration and empathy.
The onus is on the brother for controlling his teaching environment and to be self aware and educated enough to control the situation with wisdom.
A
June 8, 2011 at 8:56 AM
I totally agree with this comment. you can see how crazy the world is about celebritties and muslims are no different after all they are human beings as well.
This is why nasheed singers and shaiks are being glamorised aas well.
Also, what I find now there is a constant competition of which sheikh you follow, how many courses you go to. Which then makes people obsess after a shaikh or two.
Where are the good old days when you coulg get cds and books. If you do go to courses then have it complted segregated so that women cannot see the sheikh.
It’s not just women who are fault but the every single muslim who promotes the glamour of these courses!!
Ayah
June 12, 2011 at 9:10 PM
Asalamu alaikum
I agree about having the teacher separate from the sisters. We are dealing with men and women here. Separate but equal will keep our minds on the studies at hand and will be less likely to lead to other thoughts.
Sumi
June 22, 2011 at 10:34 AM
i think its not a matter of segregation and it doesn’t require that the sisters are in a separate room where they can’t see the lecturer/sheikh or teacher!!..because its already segregated if you go to a proper lecture!!…but its a matter of Taqwa and fear of Allaah the Most High…the All Hearing All Seeing! And coming in the first place with the right intention..i mean we are all accountable for our actions in front of Allaah Ta’ala so we should fear the Day we’ll meet Him “Glory be to Him, and highly exalted is He above what they ascribe (to Him)”!!
and we need to remember here the fundamental solution to these problems is lowering the gaze and Allaah Ta’ala addressed first the believing men to lower their gaze and then He Ta’ala ordered the believing women to lower their gaze…and am sure if this was observed we wouldn’t be discussing these strange situations!
waheed rasheed
June 12, 2011 at 1:31 PM
In every matter of our deen there is a tribulation. For example If we get serious about our deen and start praying,fasting etc…satan/nafs can mix it up with arrogance and vanity. You will see yourself as better than others. The same applies to seeking knowledge, and the burden is more on the Shaykhs as they need to hold higher standards for themselves and if they cannot, they must seek solitude and annonimity just like Imam Ghazzali(RA).
It is also important to focus more on purification of the nafs as the most importnat science to be tought. This science has been proven and will address this issue for both the student and the teacher.
In this day and age when the outward is all that matters, and the youth and pounded with images edging towards pornography, it is very hard to claim immunity. The eye is the greatest fitna.
There also needs to have support groups for grils to discuss these issues in complete confidentiality and help them get over such crushes and purify thier souls.
I don’t think the situation is avoidable, but needs to be addressed in the most appropriate way.
Waheed.
Ashique Khan
May 4, 2012 at 5:59 PM
Assalaamualikum, sister. I just wanted to point out the fact that back in the centuries close to Salaf, the Shuyukh were the real celebrities. People really cared for the knowledge of Deen and looked up to and followed the Shuyukh, just like today’s people follow misguidance (e.g., rock and movie starts). I am sure, the Shuyukh (and the pupils) then had the same struggle. Our Shuyukh, their appearance and words, remind us of Allah. Alhumdulillah, we, who are trying to learn the Deen, do really love our Shuyukh with our heart and it is important. Not only it helps our learning immensely (we follow whom we love), but also it is for the sake of Allah. We just have to strive to keep our intention clear and actions appropriate, that all that we are doing is to please Allah and within the rules He set. MashaAllah, this article is a great wake-up call to us all. But, I do believe that our Shuyukh are the true celebrities, and should be treated that way, within Allah’s rules.
Ashique Khan
May 4, 2012 at 6:04 PM
I was replying to the 1st comment by BintKhalil.
Aisha
March 4, 2016 at 11:36 PM
Salaam All. Thank you for this article. The thing is, I don’t think it’s the celebrity status, at least not for my friend who went through this. It’s because she was abused in her marriage, emotionally and physically. She was broken, she couldn’t understand how a muslim man who said he loves her could treat her like this. And then after she would listen to certain sheikhs lectures, she would feel as though she was dealt an unfair hand. That these sheikhs were so nice, funny, kind, knowledgable, good muslim men who treated women well and knew how to respect and love their wife. In her heart she has a crush on a particular sheikh, but would never approach him as he is married. But there is a lack of good muslim men in our communities, and the kindness that Rasoolalah taught men is understood by these sheikhs and it steals our hearts, because we wish our husbands understood this too. She always wanted a good muslim guy who was kind and funny. Hard to find.
Zamzam Bayian
June 6, 2011 at 1:30 AM
Do you think that sheiks and students of knowledge are angels , and not human beings?
They are humans. As long as they live they will face trials.
The important thing is that we all do our best to purify our intentions after asking Allah for help.
Tariq Nisar Ahmed
June 6, 2011 at 1:32 AM
I think this article is going to get a lot of likes, shares, tweets, crawls, etc. It will be good if people realize that the problem and the solutions apply not just to shuyukh and female students of knowledge, but also to daaees, and frankly to people generally.
After all, interactions between nonmehrams will always need to be scrutinized. And the pursuit or lack of marital fulfillment are human problems. Failing to avert the gaze as well as failing to be modest oneself — very much human problems and very much problems facing modern society.
I think the article and all of us would benefit a lot from contemplating the example of the Prophet sull Allaho alayhi wa sallam, and the Khulufaa Rashidun. Not just in how they interacted with female constituents, etc., but also how they cultivated strong marriages while serving the ummah in literally the best possible way.
And Allah Knows best.
Uni
June 6, 2011 at 1:40 AM
I totally agree and respect what the writer has written in this post. I, being a sister myself has found myself wishing something on the lines of “Oh I wish the person I get married to is someone like Brother XYZ” (based on knowledge and how much I would benefit from that knowledge). But even if I had this kind of thought process, it would be idiotic to go and actually ACT upon it.
Furthermore, if I go to a lecture with this thought process as my MAIN thought, then I have corrupted the intention very nicely. So now, it’s not about Allah’s Pleasure, but it’s about mine.
Reasons?
Glamorization of the events, the lectures, Facebook Likes, comments etc.
JazakAllah.
Muslimah
June 8, 2011 at 4:40 AM
So true.. The glamorization of the lectures has A LOT to do with how people start perceiving things there
Abu Samaiyah
June 6, 2011 at 1:54 AM
Interesting, but I dont really think this is a big issue. Not many women get a chance to get close to the lecturer at a conference or event. However, the bigger problem lies with the volunteers at the events. I have been to a few Al-Maghrib courses. I have noticed that many people are always acting differenyl because they know there are single ladies right beside them. I saw a good brother masha Allah who was very active in these events speak with a female volunteer. I was standing with my children and wife looking in the direction that these two volunteers were talking. I cold see that she was interested in him. I remember thinking to myself, subhanallaah these eevnts dont do enough to segregate te men and women. I was goin towards the men section to take my wife to ladies section. When I droped off my wife with the kids, I noticed all the makeup on the ladies. I quickly walked away t some friends. Also, I have noticed that some people do dress differently when theyb notice the ladies are watching, but its the volunteers and attendees at the Al-Maghrib courses, not the lecturers. Granted not all are like this, but you if go to class next time and pay attention, its like everyine is gostling to get married.
shahgul
June 7, 2011 at 3:00 AM
We will segregate Al-Maghrib (which is already segregated), but how will we segregate the school these kids go to and see their classmates making out? It is a good thing that like minded Muslim men and women meet people like themselves at Al-Maghrib and get married. If the boy and girl who were talking to each other at Al-Maghrib were considering marriage, Al-Maghrib was an ideal place to meet. They were not alone, and they were not able to do anything haram, and yet were able to talk to each other and find out if they were suitable for marriage or not.
Let us not delude ourselves by thinking that these US brought up young ones will marry someone they have never talked to.
When did wanting to get married become a bad thing? Instead of blaming the kids why don’t we look at where society went wrong. Why have we made getting married so difficult? Why are we even having these discussions when we know that NOT BEING ABLE TO MARRY IS THE ROOT CAUSE OF THIS FITNA.
Abu Ilyaas
June 7, 2011 at 3:09 AM
Among some etiquettes of seeking marriage are that the guardian of the female should be fully aware of any male seeking approval; any discussion between a young man and woman, should be supervised by a third person – in the case of marriage, a wali – and discussions between non-mahram men and woman should be kept professional, to the point and polite.
There are clear and basic guidelines. for inter-gender interactions.
mszn85
June 8, 2011 at 1:47 PM
Abu Ilyas,
Have you ever considered that this may have been the only forum for those two people to communicate with each??? Maybe the only place where they have even met each other and realise they may share the same general interests?? Therefore, the two having a conversation could have happened rather spontaneously, on the spur of the moment. Or lets put it another way, after meeting each other, how is the brother/sister supposed to contact the other without atleast getting some basic contact details with which they can contact family/relatives without speaking to them?
It’s no surprise that young Muslims may want to communicate with others who are ‘like-minded’ and also attend events, seeking knowledge. Where else are they supposed to find a life partner when they are a minority in the western countries they live in. Lets not make life anymore difficult for them than it already is. Taking into account certain etiquettes, If they talk to someone in a public place, full of people, they should be able to converse. As you say, professional, to the point and polite. If they find someone whom they believe to be a potential candidate for them and then pursue this through their family, then we should be supportive of them.
I agree partly with Shahgul, not being able to marry is the root cause of many ills.
Allah knows best
sidney
June 10, 2011 at 9:42 PM
Its OK for unmarried men and women to try find life partners in religious classes, these are good places blessed by angels. I mean we are not expecting our sisters to find marriage partner in a nightclub or disco are we ????
Most likely muslim sisters either find suitable marriage partners through introductions by family and friends at work place or family gatherings or religious classes, mosques and so on. No problem. I mean if a sister get a marriage partner in mosque or religious class, that is a most blessed thing. and it may not be the sheikh but could be other religious minded brothers attending the class.
So dont criticize sisters wishing to find marriage partners in a mosque. Sorry to say I find some of the views by our muslim brothers and sisters here rather warped, and in fact not really islamic or realistic. You can go to mosque with intention of seeking knowledge and suitable marriage at the same time, Its not a sin, not wrong. all sisters must try to find suitable marraige partner and in fact mosques and religious classes the best places to find like minded suitors. especially in the era HIV and AIDS are spreading like fire.
The important thing is not to transgress, cross the boundary and we all know what that boundary is : not to be all alone together and commiting khalwat or zinah. the punishment for zinah which is proven, let me remind all, is stoning to death for married man and woman, but for non married, is a hundred ;lashes or so. So know the law and dont transgress the boundary, thats all. if you like the sister, just marry her to avoid any sin, if you dont like, you have the right to reject any marriage proposal. and for the wives of shaikhs, they should emulate the wives of the prophet and stop complaining because polygamy is allowed by Allah.
Abu Samaiyah
June 7, 2011 at 5:44 AM
Allah azza wa Jall does not say do not commit zina rather he says dont go near zina. I cant rememeber the exact name of the person in this story, however it goes something like this. There was a man knwon for his righteousness. Two brothers had asked him to watch over their sister while they are away. This righteous man never went into the house of the woman, he brought her what she needed and left. The over time the shaytaan came to him and each time made him go closer to the woman. Eventually they spoke to each while inside the room, and then committed zina. After that, the man found out that the woman was pregnant. So he killed her. When the two men came back they asked about their sister adn the righteous man repsonsed with some form of an answer. The shaytaan went to the two brothers in a dream and informed them of what happened. And so forth.
I am sorry I dont remember the exact details of the story, however, I hope you get my point. So you claim that this is the best way for people to find marriage partners. Well I disagree. I remember a story I heard from an Al-Maghrib instructor who said that two respected religiously committed Muslims were involved in the MSA on campus. They worked with each other and eventually they started a relationship to the point that they committed zina and the lady had a baby. The guy didnt be a man and take care of them but rather abandoned them. the shaytaan can come to anyone and make the impossible possible.
Dont be fooled by your claims that this is the best way to find marriage partners. The best wesy as mentioned is through the family. That way you will find people who are liked minded. Trying to find a wife at Al-Magjrib or MSA events will only lead to problems.
ibn Arshad
June 7, 2011 at 7:18 PM
Story of Barseesa:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jKCi7h1p_6U
Your sis
June 9, 2011 at 7:33 PM
Having people find spouses through family is a pretty unrealistic solution these days. Most often, our parents have either grown up in a completely different society and culture than us and other times, our parents are not even Muslim. All of this will affect what they are searching for in their child’s mate, but their children may actually have different criteria. My parents, for example, are not particularly religious, thus they do not put as heavy an emphasis on deen as I do. And the opposite it is true as well.
I don’t see why there is anything wrong with people trying to find mates in an MSA, at lectures or conferences. These are the main outlets we have nowadays to search for spouses, and they have in fact proven to be successful outlets multiple times. As long as things are conducted in a respectful matter, what’s really the problem? Sure, there have been incidents where people have fell into haram, but what makes you think the same couldn’t occur if the families were involved or had found a suitor for their son/daughter?
ibn Insaan
June 9, 2011 at 7:56 PM
May Allah guide us all, and have rahma on our souls!
We need to be truthful to ourselves: Which is more likely to lead to haram:
a- the set up that has been the main practise of Muslims for centuries, with families looking for their daughter with her instructions – and no exchange of private messages/txts/secret mobile chats between the suitors and the girls
or
b- a style adopted after compromise due to being in a predomiant hollywood/hypersexualized/ and non-Muslim culture?
the second is for most intents and purposes a free for all, with each person being allowed to essentially look at anyone, on the basis that they could be a potential suitor
We need to be honest about this inshallah, so we can all get to Jannah together.
Syeeda
July 16, 2013 at 4:33 PM
With the Name of Allah, the Most Gracious, the Most Merciful.
As salaam alaikum wa rahmatullah My dear Brothers and Sisters,
Regarding the proper vs practical procedure of finding a spouse, I believe all the preceding viewpoints can be implemented. Firstly, our deen comes from the Quran and the Sunnah, and we are allowed to use modern means that do not interfere/contradict those two things. I believe meeting/finding a suitable match at an Islamic is event is perfectly fine, but we must also remember to beware of the bounds set by Allaah (Azza wa Jal) while implementing the sunnah of our beloved Prophet Muhammad (sal Allaahu alaihi wa salam).
Scenario:
You see a sister/brother you find attracted [due to whatever reason, preferably deen ]. You find someone to ascertain their/their wali’s contact info. Sisters will then have that information given to their wali/wakil. At a later time (or even at that event) the male and the wakil will then begin to have discussion with the sister. This is all halal, and chaperoned, but still happened in a pragmatic way.
Islam is so beautiful and comprehensive. There is no situation in life that the Shariah or the Sunnah will not be able to address once we have internalized it and realize it is “a modern-day remedy.”
I love you all for the sake of Allaah. May we all continue to strive for His ta’ala pleasure, and always work to purify our hearts and deeds.
sidney
June 10, 2011 at 10:50 PM
But if what you say is right, why did the honourable Khadijah approach the Prophet for marriage first, Khadidah proposed marriage to Rasullulah right, not the other way round? She must have had the chance to know him or hear of his good character, if I understand correctly, he helped her do some business transactions in his youth, Khadijah was impressed with him. she got to know his good character and she proposed to him, I think sent a representative to propose….and the Prophet Muhammad, peace be upon him, accepted her proposal and she became his most beloved wife !! The Prophet is far advanced of his time, he did not laugh or make fun of Khadidah for her being so bold as to propose to him, a much young man ! But today, in our Islamic world, this would have been criticised for the following reasons (1) how can a woman be so powerful? businesswoman, a boss ! (2) how can a woman have the opportunity to know a man character if you are not supposed to know any man, you must be separated from the world of man, the world of business ! (3) how can a woman have the boldness to propose to a man (4) how can an older woman marry a young man, that’s impossible !
See, these are all the warped and backward mentality of our Muslim brothers and sisters today. The Quran said time and again God does not like transgressors, those who go over the boundaries, thats all. But Muslims today should not bring their paganistic and pre-islamic culture into Islam, because you may not realise it, but all this is damaging for the religion, why dont they just get rid of all these cultural baggages. Anyway you are supposed to follow the Prophet’s example. But few people today want to mention about the Prophet and Khadijah because its too liberal-minded for them to accept. But as for sisters want to marry sheikh, its not wrong either, but is it realistic? If a sheikh knows his religion, he should know he must provide for all his wives equally and not just letting the woman work, but a sheikh is just doing dakwah usually, he’s not a businessman, he’s not rich. How can a Sheikh be rich. and by the way, its actually wrong for a sheikh to accept money for teaching the Quran, if we go by the pure deen of Islam. so it would be strange for a sheikh to be so rich as to own several houses and can marry several wives, if he received donation, a good sheikh would be redistributing it for the poor, not for himself or his family to become richer. In fact in today”s modern world, where we live in cities, not in deserts, so even though I support polygamy, it is not realistic for a sheikh to have many wives, if you are a businessman, maybe yes, you can. So I hope the sisters who dream of marrying sheiks, please understand this reality that most likely a sheikh (religious teacher) is not rich enough to practise polygamy and its not fair for the sheikh to let u work to support yourself, he would be a cripple in Heaven later !
Now for the wives who find themselves falling in love with sheikhs, I advise you to stop attending the religious class where the sheikh is teaching because its clear that the class is bringing more harm than good for these wives, and its a betrayal to their husbands. so even tho seeking knowledge in a mosque is good, but if it brings harm, then it should be avoided, there are other ways of seeking knowldge, through husband attending the lecture instead and informing the wife later, or reading books etc on Islam. Dont let satan destroy your good intentions and deeds.
Stacey
June 14, 2011 at 3:09 AM
Khadijah approached the Prophet (salallahu alaihi wasalaam) for marriage before there were any rules or regulations sent down regarding the methodology of approaching someone so no matter what her methodology was – it’s a moot point because we have been given a clear one which came after the time when she proposed.
Similarly, she passed away before prayer became obligatory so she didn’t pray either but that isn’t an excuse for you an me not to pray! She had a valid reason she lived properly within the standards and regulations of her day and time.
She also passed away before the ayaat about hijab were revealed but this doesn’t mean that we follow her example in not maintaining hijab (nor do we criticize her because again she lived properly based on the knowledge that had been revealed in her lifetime but there was much more passed along to us after her demise that we have to take into account.)
People try to use her as a reason to be a certain way but the reality is that there was A LOT of revelation that came after she passed away and that you see implemented by the other wives of the Prophet (salallahu alaihi wasalaam) and pointing this out is NOT pointing out a flaw in Khadijah rather it is pointing out a flawed mentality many people (especially women) have in their understanding of the order of events and how they affect the behaviors of the wives and companions and so forth.
Another obvious example is that of alcohol (intoxicants). Some companions drank it before there was a prohibition on it revealed by Allah. None of us would look at those who drank it before the prohibition was set forth and assume that because they drank it in their lifetime that it is all of a sudden permissible! We recognize that they weren’t doing wrong when they drank it because there was no revelation regarding it in that time and that when one came, the majority of people gave it up and so we see the progress towards the completion of the religion.
Olivia
June 7, 2011 at 1:11 PM
Actually,I think the root cause of this problem is being emotionally and sexually frustrated–Period. People get married and then their marriages start to wax and wane and they being longing for something to fulfill what their marriage isn’t.
osman
June 7, 2011 at 8:02 PM
Yeah, i was at an AlMaghrib marriage class, and the speaker made one brother and one sister stand up and play a “game” with each other, i.e., one would say the word that immediately comes to mind in response to the other’s word.
IMO, these “Islamic” classes, lectures, events, etc., are just becoming a way to fulfill the desires of the nafs under an “Islamic” pretext.
Dean
June 8, 2011 at 12:03 PM
…under an “Islamic†pretext.
I agree.
Brother
June 8, 2011 at 8:52 PM
This is very disturbing brother, maybe you should have advised the speaker in private about this. I have seen such things happen at MSA meetings, but those who were running the show were kids themselves. It is a whole different story when you have the shaykh giving a seminar do that type of thing. Very scary indeed, may Allah protect us from the fitan.
Mariam
June 10, 2011 at 7:13 PM
I think it is very distrpectful of persons to mention institutions by name when they are speaking distastefully about them.
Brother
June 11, 2011 at 7:13 AM
I don’t think it was disrespectful. The brother was just mentioning an incident which happened with him. Perhaps mentioning the name of the institution might get the brothers and sisters who are running it to address such issues.
osman
June 12, 2011 at 6:57 PM
Hm, I agree with you, insha’Allah i won’t do so in the future.
Sumi
June 22, 2011 at 11:05 AM
what???? Al-Maghreb?? are you sure??….Astaqfirullaaha wa atubu ilayh!!!!..what class was this exactly and what year/date???and if possible by WHO???…cause i did watch the one by our respectable sheikh Yasir Birja!! and the rules were very clear and everyone was reminded to maintain Hayah (modesty/shyness etc) i mean even the very modern marriage course would never do such a thing…so i don’t know where your claim is coming from!!…but Allaaaha Al-Musta’aan!!
Tricia
June 11, 2011 at 10:04 PM
“I cold see that she was interested in him.”
This by itself is speculation and your own assumption. islamically this is not enough to base anything on.
Zamzam Bayian
June 6, 2011 at 2:16 AM
Generally speaking, a married man or woman won’t try to build relationship out of wedlock except if there is a missed thing in his/her marriage relationship. Therefore, they may try to build a new relationship instead of finding the missed thing in their marriage.
Another thing is that many (notice that I say many not all) sheiks and students of knowledge isolate themselves and focus only on seeking and spreading knowledge. They do not have knowledge about matters in this world such as relationship, politics…etc. When they face temptation from the opposite sex, they become confused, and may easily fall preys to the temptation.
Abu Ilyaas
June 7, 2011 at 3:01 AM
“Another thing is that many (notice that I say many not all) sheiks and students of knowledge isolate themselves and focus only on seeking and spreading knowledge. They do not have knowledge about matters in this world such as relationship, politics…etc. When they face temptation from the opposite sex, they become confused, and may easily fall preys to the temptation.”
Aren’t parts of seeking knowledge in politics, seeking relationships and manner?
Stacey
June 14, 2011 at 3:18 AM
I don’t think someone has to be unhappy with their marriage or missing something to ruin it with an extramarital relationship. The Shaytaan is there specifically to cause discord and make you think you are not satisfied with your spouse or to point out his or her flaws and to encourage comparisons which is one of the main reasons that it’s advisable to avoid the opposite gender as much as possible.
Kashif Dilkusha
June 6, 2011 at 2:57 AM
Very sensitive topic but yes very true.
Joseph Cinque
June 6, 2011 at 3:05 AM
Edited Our political and financial institutions aren’t the only social institutions that have become corrupt.
FS
June 6, 2011 at 3:08 AM
Okay, seriously now. The sahaba would learn from rasool Allah and teach their women in their homes. And I think we need to stick to that sunnah.
Sisters, you know it was coming all along..
STAY AT HOME! Learn from your husbands what was covered by the Shaykh. And if you dont’ have a husband, learn from the Sheikh’s wife.. but leave the shuyook alone..
Amad
June 6, 2011 at 3:19 AM
Are you trying to incite a female riot here? :)
Stay at home, don’t learn from the shaykh?? I hope you realize that there are many sisters out there who have a GREATER interest in learning than their husbands.
Hena Zuberi
June 6, 2011 at 4:03 AM
True that, not every sister who wants to learn has a husband who wants to learn as well. And not everyone is blessed with a local Shaykh who has a wife, let alone a learned wife. Plus this issue doesn’t just happen in a class- youtube/online lectures, we don’t have to be in a class for this to happen. We have made our Shuyookh into celebrities and as much as I want my children looking up to Shuyookh as their role models, it is getting ridiculous. Our culture esp here in the West, has become so that we only want to take our knowledge from Shuyookh who entertain us or speak well, or are good looking, lesser known or less eloquent ‘speakers’ are not flocked to because we think they are ‘boring’.
One of the greatest scholars that I heard in Pakistan could barely speak because of a respiratory problem but his knowledge was so vast, and the few words he does utter changes hearts ( with Allah’s permission).
Respect and honor and genuine love for our teachers is something to aspire to but this crushing on Shaykhs is definitely a fitnah. May Allah Subhan na wa ta’ala keep our intentions pure.
MW_M
June 6, 2011 at 7:37 AM
True that. There’s a not-so-thin line between being a fanboy/girl and giving our scholars respect. Seems like people have a hard time staying on the right side of that line.
fazmida
June 12, 2011 at 12:14 PM
who said they have no rights to seek knowledge?atleast they could stay at home and listen to the lectures through audio.this also will help them gather knowledge.since almost most of the people have the net.this could reduce some fitnah.
no one wants to act bad but shaytan can mislead.
Ismail Kamdar
June 6, 2011 at 4:46 AM
Actually, the prophet (peace be upon him) would have a special Halaqa once a week exclusively for women, so the female Sahabah studied directly from him and not always from their husbands. In fact, some of them were more knowledgeable than their husbands.
Maryam D
June 6, 2011 at 7:59 AM
Sapan Allah, I am so glad that you mentioned this!
Every muslim, whether male or female has the right to seek knowledge!
& quite frankly, from a revert and an attendee of many halika’s & lectures, the information from
our husbands is not always correct. Sometimes I’m not sure who is learning about the truth of this wonderful deen, myself or my husband, when I come home & share all the information
I am learning.
osman
June 7, 2011 at 8:06 PM
But the brother’s original statement, that the sahaaba would teach their wives what they learnt from rasool Allah (SAW), is true. Also, when the wives of the prophet (SAW), the sahaaba, the tabi’een, etc., used to teach/learn from the opposite gender, they did so from behind a curtain.
IMO that’s what we should really be talking about – why isn’t there a curtain?
Umm Naz
June 8, 2011 at 2:53 PM
Attraction to other gender is normal. Its nothing new. We know in a hadith that a woman offered herself to Rasul SAW. Its natural that a good woman would be attracted to a good man. As long as they channel their thought and emotions according to shariah (lowering gaze, avoid khulwa, segregation is practiced, mahram is present, etc) , the problems that comes is a side effect and a test from Allah.
One thing in our control that should be banished is glamorizing the shoyookh. Thats not the way you respect a scholar.
Hafsa
June 6, 2011 at 11:32 AM
FS- can you give the references for this? I am sure many sahabiyat went to the mosques to learn. Aisha ra taught in the mosques themselves.
Many shaykhas do not share their knowledge so women have no choice but to learn from the men.
Advice to the shaykhs- be careful and dont court the attention- some of them do- I have seen it with my own eyes!
Advice to sisters- get married honey!
Advice to shaykhs and sisters who enjoy the celebrity culture- Allah is watching you!
Love the Prophet Muhammad sas!!
hellow0rld
June 13, 2011 at 11:12 PM
After the time of Nabi (SAW), the level of emaan of the people decreased (despite the fact that they were sahaaba!), and Umar (RA) eventually forbade women from going to the mosque. (Note: this doesn’t mean they couldn’t seek Islamic knowledge. They still sought Islamic knowledge in other ways, like going to homes, etc.) Anyhow, some women came to Aisha (RA) and complained to her. Aisha (RA) told them that if Nabi (SAW) were to see the women of their time, he would have forbidden them from coming to the masjid. Also, the wife of Umar (RA) said, “We used to go out when people were still people.” There were exceptions, however, such as old women. Now, keep in mind these people are the best generation to ever walk on the face of the earth – the sahaaba, tabi’een, and tabi’ tabi’een. If the best generation thought of themselves that way, just imagine us.
Furthermore, the clothing that the women wore at the time of the Prophet (S) was much different than the clothing (even hijabs/niqabs) of today. Their clothing was loose and shabby, and did not have anything to attract attention on them (like you see some niqabs today with designs and patterns on them).
*THAT SAID* the scholars of our time have said that, in Western countries, because women do not know the basic duties and obligations (faraa’idh) of Islam, they may come to the masjid in order to learn them. *HOWEVER* of course we should still observe as much proper Islamic separation between genders as possible. We shouldn’t use the ‘excuse’ of ‘seeking knowledge’ to bring a ton of young, attractive, unmarried Muslim women into the masjid for a ‘lecture’ in which they look at the shaykh and the shaykh looks at them. Such an act would an insult for the example which our pious predecessors have set. Instead, just as there was in the time of the sahaaba, tabi’een, and tabi’ tabi’een, there should be a curtain between the opposite genders. Imam Hasan Al-Basri (RA), a famous tabi’ee, said that he took knowledge from 50 (or 30?) women. There’s a great history of big female Islamic scholars. However, the interaction between teachers and students of the opposite gender was generally behind a curtain.
Brother
June 14, 2011 at 11:44 AM
Umar never forbade women from going to the masjid. You should be more careful as to where you get your knowledge from and make sure that it is authentic and not just random claims.
hellow0rld
June 23, 2011 at 12:12 AM
Read a book called “Women in the Masjid and Islam” by the Majlis-e-Ulema of South Africa.
Imtyaz
July 11, 2011 at 6:30 AM
@ Hello World
” Read a book called “Women in the Masjid and Islam†by the Majlis-e-Ulema of South Africa ”
Salaam
I’m a Brother From SA
The Majlisul Ulema are a group of Radical Deobandi Scholars – Based in Port Elizabeth.
They Print a Few booklets & Distribute a Newspaper called ” the Majlis “.
They are Affiliated to a group in Jo’burg Called the YMMA.
I was into the stuff about 10 years ago – I now enforce a Ban on their books in my home.
They are famous for amongst other tings :
– Their extreme stance on Women’s affairs – often spilling over into misogynism
– Refering to the Bareilwis & other Sufis who visit Dargahs as ” Qabr-Pujaaris ”
– They also have harsh opinions on the Niqab when both eyes are showing.
– I’ve read a copy of the Majlis that quoted a Blog (Back in ’97) & concluded that Coca-Cola is Haraam
– I received an Email from them condemning greeting & Embracing after Eid Salaah between Men as a Bid’a
I was put off them when I read a YMMA Publication that said that women should not even be taught geography & I thought Hazretiya Aisha Sidiqa Radiyallahu Anha narrated a third of the Ahadith & she was just 1 female scholar.
This discussion seems 2 be concentrated in the States – where I assume you guys pray 5 – 6 Salaah / week in a Masjid.
Most South-African Muslims are concetrated around Masajid & hear between 1 & 3 Azaan for each Salaah.
Also it’s a National Phenomenon that Businesses Close for Jummua.
The Majlis is an Extremist Fringe here
If your environment is that different – How does importing an extreme, Hardline view assist to encourage the Next Generation of Muslims into their Role of establishing the deen in your Land.
This is a Challenge – There is a Correct Adab of seeking knowledge based on the Deen
& yet it has to be in a manner that is not just Correct, it serves the greater purpose of creating a Dynamic AMERICAN Muslim Community.
That there should be a Curtain is Correct – Chasing women out of the Masjid in your Cultural context could be a disaster if there is no alternative created – it could effectively ammount to cutting off half of the Community & the Educators of the next Generation of Muslims from the Deen.
Also I think something has to be said about developing Alternatives in other aspects of our Community lives -Medina was a Community not a legalist project.
You have to have a Marriage facility –
If you find a Spouse in a NightClub – It’s Bad
If you find a Spouse in the Masjid/Madressa – It’s Bad
Was Salaam
khadija
June 7, 2011 at 3:23 AM
SubhanAllah brother, listen to yourself. Islam encourages men and women alike to seek knowledge, and your comment is very degrading to women. ‘Stay at home’ (because you can’t control yourselves and shouldn’t be allowed out). If you are married, then I sympathize with your wife. I know a sister whose husband teachers her wrong information purposefully so he can get his way with her and control what she does (by telling her what is ‘allowed’ and what ‘is not’. When someone tries to indirectly enlighten her, she says oh no, my husband told me xyz and he is very knowledgable. This is not extremely common alhamdulillah, but it is definitely not unheard of. There is also always room for error. Someone relating information to another person usually has a high chance of getting certain facts wrong. And then you have the interest aspect. Many wives want to seek knowledge but their husbands may not be into it. What can the wife do, force her husband to go to the lecture, and then take perfectly detailed notes and bring them back home to her? So now I hope you have realized how thoughtless and pathetic your statement is. Unfortunately, most men are NOT like the sahabah…
Stacey
June 14, 2011 at 3:32 AM
The brother is correct – the sahabah did teach their wives and the wives of the Prophet (salallahu alaihi wasalaam) taught from behind a screen and we are already informed that OUR HOMES ARE BETTER FOR US from the Prophet (salallahu alaihi wasalaam) who does not speak of his own desires. He said this regarding prayer – an ibadah – a time when we have arguably the most sincere intentions. We may not always want to be at home and we may like to go here or there but we should not try to muddle the general reality that the place where we can benefit and be of most benefit is in our homes. Furthermore, there are TONS of options for learning from home. Books, audio files, videos, online classes… the list goes on. There are numerous major scholars who make themsevles available for further questions on the subjects that they teach and write about.
No one is claiming that it is haraam for women to sit in a class. No one is barring them from learning or taking classes but the point that there should be a screen between the genders and the point that we were informed that our homes are better for us and were warned against all the various forms of fitnah which come with mixing shouldn’t be ignored or overlooked.
sk
June 7, 2011 at 12:45 PM
The sahabah also used to learn from a women – Aisha RA – when Prophet peace be upon him passed away.
And not every husband I know goes to or has time to attend events/lecturers. It may not be his interest.
This comment made me smile….I think you did an extreme generalization right there. And maybe 1% of the females would act upon such thoughts mentioned in the article.
Sumi
June 22, 2011 at 11:33 AM
i agree 110%!……SubhanaAllaah!…..unnecessary things are being discussed!
ppl are forgetting that the roots of these problems are lack of Hayah and fear of Allaah! and of course LOWERING THE GAZE!!…Allaaha Al-Musta’aan!
Sumi
June 22, 2011 at 11:29 AM
so thats your solution.. very interesting, well let me tell you something, if the problem was the sisters alone it wouldn’t have a affect would it????…now i don’t want to blame the du’aat but the hard reality is everyone needs to maintain hayah and implement lowering the gaze
btw! seeking knowledge is an obligation upon every Muslim and sorry but you can’t certify or limit! the “hows†to solve some problems!! neither the Word of God nor the Sunnah of His prophet sallAllaahu alyhi wa alihi wasalam put limits as to where the women should seek knowledge…Rasoolullaah sallAllaahu alyhi wasalam used to teach the women some days and the men some other days…and when he sallAllaahu alyhi wa alihi wasalam passed away the companions radiyaAllaahu anhum used to go to for example Aisha RadiyaAllaahu anha…now she didn’t say…go call your wives am gona teach your wives and they can teach you later!!!
So the thought of “go learn from your husbands” is just narrow mindedness I mean if your husband happens to be a sheikh or at least a dedicated student of knowledge then Falillaahi Alhamd! But if not then Allaah did not confined you to his knowledge or ignorance!!
Alhamdulillaahi Wahid Ad-Dayyan!!…
AnonyMouse
June 6, 2011 at 3:12 AM
Spot on.
Another reason is that the Sheikh has been idealized. The sisters do not see him as a mere human being, but as something “more” – they think he is perfect, that he does not have any faults (unlike their own husbands), and that if only they could marry him, they would live happily every after.
What 99.9% of these women don’t realize is that life as the wife of a sheikh is nowhere near easy. The sheikh who is a husband must necessarily sacrifice a great deal of his time in preparing lectures, traveling, counseling, studying, and writing. He may have to give up weekends and even weeks on end – his job is not a regular 9-to-5 (which he may have in addition to his sheikh-y duties) with summer breaks and regular weekends; it’s a 24/7 job which tends to have an unpredictable schedule.
It’s not a fairy-tale marriage where they’ll have knowledge-filled days and romance-filled nights. They will run out of milk, be late with rent, lose their tempers with each other, have nights where the baby (or babies) will not sleep well… in essence, it will be a HUMAN marriage!
Sisters, don’t glamourize and idealize the students of knowledge – they are not your Prince Charming in a thawb! They’re just regular guys like the other dudes at the masjid, albeit blessed by Allah with the opportunity to seek and spread knowledge. Don’t make life difficult for yourself or for them by obsessing over them and pursuing them inappropriately.
(And no, I’m not the wife of a sheikh, but I am the daughter of one and know how hard it was for my mom when my father would barely have time for us due to how much time was consumed by his work and volunteer duties.)
Amad
June 6, 2011 at 3:28 AM
I agree with u Zainab, I am only a “shaykh” by name :), but I have been very close friends with a few of them. The wives have to have incredible amount of patience with shaykh travel/time availability, let alone dealing with the crushes issue.
Anonymous
June 9, 2011 at 10:35 PM
Agreed.
Ismail Kamdar
June 6, 2011 at 4:52 AM
This is something many women are not aware of or prepared for until they are married to the Shaykh then it leads to tension in the marriage.
The reality is that many shuyookh just do not have enough time for family life, it is not that they don’t want to be with their families but the field of Islamic Studies is such a demanding field that it is hard to balance that with family life.
Sometimes a Shaykh’s wife and kids might not see him for a full month and even when he is at home, he is busy researching and preparing lectures and classes.
Indeed the wives of Shuyookh make many sacrifices for the Deen that most people are unaware of, but Allah knows their sacrifices and will reward them for it too.
amina
June 6, 2011 at 9:54 AM
assalamu alaikkum warahmathullahi wabarakathuhu,
The same thought was going on in my mind for quite sometime.May Allah,subhanata’ala reward the writer immensely and make the readers who read this article understand it in its true sense. Whenever i hear a lecture , i always wonder and admire about the “wife ” of the lecturer . How much time is taken away from her time and her children’s time with the speaker.
Few things which i personally follow is to
Listen to an elderly scholar than to the younger ones.
If I think that the speaker is maashaAllah good-looking, listen to the voice rather than starring at their video. You can do this by listening to speech while doing your regular household work (for example, a home-maker can hear a lecture while cutting vegetables, — you need to look where you are cutting .).
When the thought , how perfect the speaker is and how not so perfect your husband comes along —- firstly seek refuge in Allah(swt) and secondly , nobody is perfect. The sheiks are doing their job well. And how would you feel, if a female coworker of your husband thinks that he is perfect for her because she has seen him being great at his job ( an intelligent techie, or an amazing doctor or an excellent business man).
May Allah,subhanata’ala keep us safe from the evil thoughts and protect us and prevent us from turning these evil thoughts into actions.
Ismail Kamdar
June 6, 2011 at 10:08 AM
Subhanalllah! You have mentioned some extremely valuable advice here. I hope people read your comment and take benefit from it.
Muslimah
June 8, 2011 at 4:48 AM
May Allaah bless you sister for your valuable comment :)
Abdullah Munawar
June 8, 2011 at 8:45 AM
Walaikum Salaam Wa Rahmatullahi Wa Barakatuh,
If a shaykh appears very desirable then that is just the superficial view of the situation. You never see the shaykh’s wife….so marrying him will actually limit the interaction with him as he has very little time for his family. Better stay as his student and benefit from his knowledge.
And if some negative thoughts do come up then a bit of control will help.
Sumi
June 22, 2011 at 11:43 AM
Barakallaahu feeki!…for the great advice!! and interesting ideas…
may Allaah reward the composer of the article indeed they raised awareness of a much needed topic!! but ppl didn’t focus on what was needed!!! which was the fear of Allaah and lowering the gaze cause am sure if those two elements were observed we would not be discussing ths!!…may Allaah Ta’ala keep us save and sound and protect us from al fitan ma thahara minha wama badhan!!
brother
June 17, 2011 at 11:30 AM
very interesting article with the comments even more interesting as i myself am one of the so-called Sheikhs!!and i agree with the above comment 1oo % as a `sheikhs` life is not all glitz and glamour! I have to give a lecture tomorrow and will be travelling for 4 hours just to get to the place! Would have preferred just to rest at home on one of my very few weekends that i get free from my imamat and teaching duties and the preparation involved is also very time consuming.
A very simple solution to the problem mentioned in the article is segregation in such a way that the speaker cant see the women and vice versa as will be in tomorrows lecture.
By the way i`m happily married and have no aspirations of a second marriage……..YET!! ; – )
Ali Al-Afghani
June 6, 2011 at 3:34 AM
May Allah reward and protect the brother who wrote this article. This was a long overdue article/advice and i think he did an excellent job publishing it.
I have taken several classes with different institutes and all with well-known students of knowledge. I believe the root cause of all of this fitnah is:
First the lack of proper separation between the brothers and sisters. Almost all of the classes and seminars are conducted in an open area where the brothers are in the front, sisters in the back and the sheikh giving the lecture.
Not only is this a cause of fitnah for the sheikh but also for the brothers (and for the sisters). Because of this poor setup, lowering of the gazes is nearly impossible and bumping into one another is a common scene.
Second, frankly speaking the shuyookh are not doing enough in taking the initiative in making clear to organizers that they want a complete separation between the Br./Sis. And the one who actually promotes this kind of a set up is either looked down upon as backwards, not being invited again by the organization and/or there is poor attendance and hence less support for him.
I strongly believe that the shuyookh should do their best in going back to the Sunnah of the Prophet and how he taught his companions, since afterall this is what they are all propogating (the Sunnah).
Allahu ‘Alim
Umm Khalid
June 6, 2011 at 5:01 AM
I believe the best way to do this is to follow the sunnah and put aside a day where the women can learn from the sheikh directly. This way, there will only be one man among the women instead of many. Another benefit of this is that hopefully the husbands of these women will be free to take care of their children while the women learn, just as the women will be free to take care of the children on the days their husbands are learning.
As a sister, I know what happens when you put the women in a back room with no men around- the children run around like wild when their fathers aren’t around, and the women can hardly hear a thing, so they end up speaking the whole time asking each other ‘did you hear what he said?’. and to top it off, the speaker systems often cut out and we leave after not learning much of anything.
Jeremiah
June 7, 2011 at 10:32 PM
This setup of a separate day for sisters on works if the community has people of knowledge in their community. Typically, a community brings someone in for a day or two and tries to get as much out of them as possible.
Stacey
June 14, 2011 at 3:36 AM
Excellent suggestion, sister. TabarakAllah.
MW_M
June 6, 2011 at 7:40 AM
I often wonder, but wouldn’t a non-separated seating cause less fitnah? Hear me out: if there’s not a separate sisters and brothers section, I’d be sitting with my (real) sisters, mother, etc, if they’re in attendance. Trust me, you’d drop your gaze quick if you started staring at a sister and saw her brothers glaring back at you.
theoriginalfish
June 10, 2011 at 1:53 PM
I agree… otherwise wouldn’t aspects of the umrah/hajj have been segregated? As always Allahu a3lam. This might be a little contraversial but I would rather fancy a Shaikh than a singer; it’s a sign that we appreciate knowledge.
I’ve been in lectures where sisters have informed others that a shaikh is married. I think we should stop judging each other (and perhaps the Shaykh’s should stop flattering themselves…) we need to purify our intentions and not make a mountain out of a mole hill.
Reply @ MW_M and theoriginalfish
June 11, 2011 at 7:30 AM
The point is… Prophet Mohammad PBUH showed us how to do each and everything. Where there was a need for segration, he showed it. Where there was not, he showed it.
When he offered prayers…. Females were SEGREGATED and BEHIND THE ROWS OF MEN.
Same was for, when he used to give lectures and khutbas (friday and eid)… Females were SEGREGATED ans BEHIND THE ROWS OF MEN.
But different for Umrah and Hajj… were a female should NOT cover her face in general. Plus females should also be away from men when doing tawaaf, so that shoulders dont touch. And females should also not try to kiss the black stone when its surronded by men.
Please do what our Role Model did, and not try to use our limited thinking and come up with new rules.
Neither my way, nor your way, lets follow the Prophets way :)
Jazaak ALLAHU Khairan.
Stacey
June 14, 2011 at 3:48 AM
We were taught a methodology for our religion by our beloved Prophet (salallahu alaihi wasalaam) so to assume that there is a better way to handle something that has already been handled is a serious infringement.
On the topic of covering the face in Hajj – there is a difference of opinion and most of the prominent scholars of the past were of the opinion that it was obligatory but that a specific face covering (niqaab) is what is disallowed. Just as men still have to wear clothes in Hajj but that they cannot wear stitched clothes for example. Ibn Taymiyyah writes on this in some detail. “It is permissible for the woman who is in a state of Ihraam to cover her face with an adjoining/alternative (cloth) other than the niqaab and the burqa’.” [Ikhtiyaaraat al-Fiqhiyyah min Fataawaa Shaikh ul Islaam Ibn Taymiyyah page 117]
Brother Hamood
April 14, 2013 at 11:10 PM
I went to a muslim conference when i was in university…it was a small group of men and women…about 50 people
When it was time for prayer, the men formed rows in front and the women began forming rows behind us
I found it very distracting to pray this way
I was not comfortable at all and the whole time I was conscious of the fact that there were women right behind me….I felt aware of my awrah as I was wearing pants and not a loose fitting piece of clothing like the “thowb”
I wasnt focused in my prayers at all
its true that in the time of the Prophet, peoples prayed this way
But I just felt super uncomfortable and self conscious….
But when I pray with men only….I am more focused, I can be myself….i am not self conscious
Allah knows Best
Gal
June 6, 2011 at 3:41 AM
Salam,
I’ve experienced interest in wanting to listen to a certain shaykh more but actually talking to one is still very difficult because of my shyness. I honestly think sometimes Shukh have a humility problem. They make themselves, their lives, their kids sound so amazing and thoughtful and obviously because they have the mic more people are listening and agreeing. Plus it is probably more incumbent on the Shaykh to work on his haya because as a Shaykh he needs to work on himself a lot anyway, there isn’t much he can do about his fans.
This also highlights the need for more and better women scholars to teach women. I know its bad to say but women scholars, and I’m generalizing here, lack the dynamic nature of the men. Their talks are more likely boring, their appearance more likely dowdy and I believe it probably because they have to compete with males Shukh and be super serious that women just aren’t as interested. I wish there were more better, female scholars, as a woman there is a friendship intimacy and confidence that is hard to have with a male, Shaykh or not.
Hena Zuberi
June 6, 2011 at 4:07 AM
This is the solution – we need women scholars to teach women. This tradition needs to be revived and if we have daughters, we should encourage them to pursue Islamic Studies over Hifdh.
Ismail Kamdar
June 6, 2011 at 4:55 AM
I agree, I hope from our generation, many dynamic female scholars arise who can take over teaching women and this will serve multiple purposes including solving this fitnah.
Sabeen Mansoori
June 6, 2011 at 7:10 AM
The tradition of female scholars desperately needs to be revived but they should not have to choose between Islamic Studies and Hifdh. I am sure there are many women out there who could do both, just as many of the male shuookh have.
Excellent article! I applaud the wives of the scholars and the imams for their sacrifices but having other women swoon over their husbands is not a sacrifice that they should be required to make. Sadly, some of these “shaykly crushes” have caused irreparable damage to marriges and destroyed the lives of the children involved.
Amad
June 6, 2011 at 2:37 PM
I do find it shocking that AlMaghrib for e.g. doesn’t have a female teacher till now. I am curious… is it because there is really a lack of it, or is AlMaghrib still uncomfortable with it (which I can respect but would like to know).
Ayesha
June 8, 2011 at 2:59 AM
they can always do hifdh along with their Islamic studies…trust me hifdh helps a great deal in learning evidences and link subjects with their quranic ayahs.
AnonyMouse
June 6, 2011 at 5:21 AM
Completely agree!
It’s really important for female students of knowledge to be – amongst women, of course – both serious in their knowledge (the most important) and attractive… not in the “Hollywood actress” way, but rather in the way of the Prophet (sallAllahu ‘alayhi wa sallam), by beautifying their manners and taking care of their appearance.
Furthermore, having Islamically knowledgeable but “hip” sisters helps attract the younger girls – preteen and teens especially – and makes learning the Deen more appealing.
MW_M
June 6, 2011 at 7:43 AM
Perhaps a lack of not being aware of women scholars/duat/activists rather than them not being dynamic? Sr. Yasmin Mogahed, Sr. Tahera Ahmed, etc, can hold their own against most male speakers.
http://tinyurl.com/tahera
http://tinyurl.com/yasmin-m
UmmSarah
June 6, 2011 at 3:03 PM
Sr. Yasmin Mogahed is awesome and also, Farhat Hashimi of AlHuda, a great woman scholar of our time. These women are very inspirational and knowledgeable.
Although it is difficult for women to take on a full time role of a scholar because of family responsibilities, there are women who have successfully managed their personal life with scholarly pursuits.
sonya
June 8, 2011 at 9:31 AM
check out the Rahmah Foundation. Mashallah it’s by women for women. They are now starting a hifz program for young girls and they are taught by women scholars. http://Www.therahmahfoundation.org
Abdullah's father
June 6, 2011 at 3:47 AM
@Ismail Kamdar – what advice do you have for the wives’ of those shuyookh, who got in to this trap? Isn’t it fair for them to be angry (like one ustaaz narrates of his experience. my wife sees the sister who is trying to be little more cozy in a social gathering with me at a doorstep and I could see the arrows of anger from her eyes and isn’t even comfortable him teaching to his female students but have compromised on that part.)
Ismail Kamdar
June 6, 2011 at 4:59 AM
Yes, they have every right to be angry but that anger should be channeled into something constructive, rather than destructive. Perhaps they should get their husbands to read this article then discuss the issue with them.
I think it would be better for a woman to advice them though.
AnonyMouse
June 6, 2011 at 5:29 AM
From my personal experience, my father’s way was to get my mum active in the community as well. Many times she was the middleI(wo)man between women and my father; she would take their questions unless it was something very serious (such as marital counseling, etc.). She also helped him immensely in organizing events and preparing various outings etc. The women of the community would therefore be able to turn to her for help on many issues rather than running to my father for small matters and increasing the risk of fitnah.
Usually, it helps when women are aware that the sheikh’s wife is between them, amongst them, and aware of their giggling whispers about her husband – it makes them feel some shame about hitting on the sheikh!
Sisterem
June 6, 2011 at 3:17 PM
Absolutely agree if sheikh’s wife can be present at any lecture/meeting, that would certainly help out in lowering high intensity crush-behavior! And maybe squash it altogether in some cases due to reality check. Some sisters are in la la land thinking they don’t love their wife, thinking they could be separated (fantasy), etc. I am happy I am married to a good man who is not a sheikh in these times, and may Allah be with the wives of these shyookh, ameeen.
kishwar
June 6, 2011 at 4:19 AM
a wonderful aarticle mashaAllah
i agree with each and every word …and it is human tl get attracted to the ppl of knowledge because they are inspiring ppl, but one should always be on guard and protecyt their thoughts and feelings. i completely agree that their should be knowledgeble women top teach women and men for men…..more sisters should get higher education in islamic studies and serve this purpose….
good article anyways .
Pingback: Dhiislam English » Shaykhy Crushes: Trials in the Lives of Men of Knowledge
Kashif
June 6, 2011 at 5:25 AM
This is also a problem for the elder generation of shuyukh.
I have a running joke with and an elderly, grey-bearded shaikh whom I meet once a year at our conferences. At some point during the conference I’ll jokingly ask him how many proposals he got this year? One time he replied he received 5 on the first day!
JZK brother Ismail for this article – I wish you had published it earlier!
amina
June 6, 2011 at 10:00 AM
I thought this won’t happen for elderly sheiks. Oops.. I am wrong.
Noorul Hasan
June 6, 2011 at 5:37 AM
Assalaam Alaykum Wa Rahmatullah
This is indeed a great fitnah. Subhan Allah, shaytan has always new tricks to lead people astray. I think sisters have lot of responsibility on them when they come to such a gathering to have proper intentions and not give in to the way of Shayatan. In such a gathering proper etiquette is very important so that the time is spent in good deeds. My opinion on this matter is that sisters should attend the lectures but should not interact with the shuyukh directly (as far as possible). There must be an intermediary between the shuyukh and them. The social media is also a big fitnah so sisters should not interact directly with shuyukh via facebook, twitter, email etc. If there is a need for interaction then it should be done via their husbands or other mahrams. There is a great need of women scholars for the sisters so we should encourage our wives, sisters, daughters to learn the deen so that this problem is tackled correctly in future.
Allahu Alam
Umm maryam
June 6, 2011 at 5:50 AM
Bismillah,
Assalamu alaikum,
Barak Allah , Jazak Allahu khair for such an excellent and helpful article.
May Allah protect us from the evils of our nafs and especially from the tricks of Shaytaan Ameen.
Um Abdullah
June 6, 2011 at 6:25 AM
take separation seriously. this shows that just because ppl are studying a noble topic it doesn’t mean they cant get distracted and do really retarded things. also the shaykh or whatever shouldn’t be too nice with women. i know that sounds harsh but its true. women fall for nice men.
also this is somthing pretty specific to the west since the west has this whole hollywood/fan culture where ppl idolize anyone for their talents. so you have girls just coming off of their crushes of a musician or actor, and they carry that same mentality with them when they become more religious and start learning about islam. we need to know that talking about men and looking at them is wrong.
when girls says “omg he’ so cute” or whatever, they need to realize that goes against islamic etiquette. its not innocent or cute or normal. we need to lower our gaze just like men have to. it goes both ways.
MW_M
June 6, 2011 at 7:46 AM
Yeah, try convincing the sisters of that. You’d be shocked (I know I was) of how many sisters don’t think there’s anything wrong with fawning over a guy and discussing how he looks. Their defense? “We’re just looking and talking, it’s not like we do anything. Unlike Muslim guys who are so terrible……” and then the topic shifts to faults of Muslim brothers.
Stacey
June 14, 2011 at 3:53 AM
So true…
Meena
June 6, 2011 at 11:06 PM
word.
Meena
June 6, 2011 at 11:12 PM
totally agreed! growing up in the west, girls are FORCED to have these odd and creepy crushes on celebrities. so when you get a girl who goes from being immersed in the western culture to wanting to become serious about Islam, it’s only expected for that same mentality she’s grown up with to transfer over. i’ve seen it happen to others, and it has happened to some degree to myself as well.
AR
June 6, 2011 at 6:33 AM
A nice article which is written in an extreme manner. If a sister likes a good quality in a shaykh, it doesn’t mean that its a “crush”. It may also mean that she is reminded of a father, a brother, an uncle who talks similarly and guides her to good. And one who guides her to good can never guide her to zina.
Especially, a follower of Sunnah, certainly reminds the listeners of Allaah and his prophet (pbuh) with whatever he says and does (at least in public and during a lecture)
For example,
Narrated Abu Hurairah (radiallahu anhu): The Prophet (salallahu alaihi wasallam) said, “When your servant brings your food to you, if you do not ask him to join you, then at least ask him to take one or two handfuls, for he has suffered from its heat (while cooking it) and has taken pains to cook it nicely.”
[Sahih Al-Bukhari, Volume No. 7, Hadeeth No. 370]
This and such ahadith which tell us about the character of the Prophet (pbuh), whenever one reads them make you say, “Oh how sweet our Rasoolullaah (saws) was!” Because Islaam in not a religion of just praying and fasting.
This hadith was just an example, but if a sister sees a shaykh doing something which actually reminds her of Allaah (swt) she will certainly admire him. Now if this admiration is purely for the sake of the good in him which reminds her of Allaah or has in it a Satanic effect called a “crush” is what the sister and Allaah alone know!
AR
June 6, 2011 at 6:47 AM
Plus, lack of female Islamic teachers in institutions is the main reason for such a thing. When a shaykh is over conscious about the fact that every female who talks to him would fall in love with him, it makes difficult for sisters to seek knowledge in the right way. And similarly if a sister feels that her doing well in studies will make the shuyookh fall for her, it causes difficulties for the teachers too..
I don’t say that what is written in this article never happens anywhere. It does, but sometimes the perception is far from the truth!
Mahwish
June 6, 2011 at 7:00 AM
Learning through these communication modes:
1. Face to Face – Physical proximity in the same room/hall
2. Live Appearance on TV Channel, Internet, Phone [Eg. Sheikh Salah at Huda TV Q/A program]
3. Recorded Lectures on TV, Internet, Cassettes, CDs, etc
Recommended Solutions:
1. Become a female teacher yourself. Whatever you learn, teach it to other ladies (your mother, sisters, daughters, relatives, friends, etc…) Great example is Farhat Hashmi, she taught religion to her daughters and to hundreds of women around the world. Fathers should take the lead role in giving knowledge to the mahrim ladies in their house hold. This way the cycle will continue for generations to come.
2. As a rule of thumb, Home is best for females. One can download ample amount of authentic resources at the finger tip. A lady can learn knowldge easily in the privacy of her home at her own convinient time. But i have a question here, doesnt the Ulama usually say, to learn knowlege in the presence of a learned person rather than reading or listening to literature by oneself? Cause when one reads/hears a confusing statement he/she can right away ask the teacher, rather than learn the wrong or remain confused forever.
3. Everyone knowns themselve better. A mother of four kids might be least interested in Abdul Raheem Green beauty compared to a 22 year old who is looking for a lifepartner. Cause you know youself best, thus decide what mode should you choose, so to ward off shaitaan and close the doors of fitna. Always remember the Sheikhs are not your enemies, it is the Shaitaan. Shaitaan attacks ALL including the Sheikhs and the students. So ask ALLAH for refuge ALWAYS. Make your intention pure and ONLY for ALLAH. If some Sheikhs have a higher student following than others doesnt mean he has become a celebrity. ALLAH has created everyone UNIQUE, so are the Sheikhs UNIQUE from each other in many ways. The lesson here is, to be HUMBLE. Before appearing infront of public, Sheikhs should read the dua to protect themselves from evil eye and from fitna. Also before starting the lecture, etiquttes about Haya and lowering gaze, should be mentioned to the audience (live or recorded, with video or no video, cause at times a person voice can also be a fitna).
4. If men are around, Partition and Niqaab (nose piece) has to be observed. Its easier for a sheikh to teach ladies in Niqaab than with out Niqaab. ALLAH has made women beautiful. Sheikh is a Human, not an Angel. Lovely faces of women, do distract the Sheikh, and the Shaitaan takes this oppurtunity to whisper. When the lecture is conducted online, the chat should be disabled and strictly monitored by admins.
5. Promote authentic matimonial companies so males/females seeking spouses can be guided to the right channel for marriage (E.g Baba Ali Matrimonial site). Handout flyers or play their ads during TV breaks or on your website.
Lastly, Indeed, if a woman is not married and has become 35 years of age and is seeking a lifepartner desperately, and is listening to lectures by Zakir Naik, Abdul Raheen Green, Baba Ali, Asim Al Hakeem, Sheikh Salah, etc… then wouldnt her heart yearn eagerly to get a husband like them? Its natural ! The reason why a female gets inclined to such Sheikhs are cause she can see an Alive, Walking, Talking, Practicing Muslim Man in front of her eyes. If one has a sincere likness for the sake of ALLAH for other, then approach Islamically (Eg. Khadeeja proposal to Prophet). Do not talk lude or imagine stuff about that sheikh. Control your urges by fasting. Also remember, Prophet Mohammad PBUH was one and only, he was the best. Women of that times, many of them wives of Sahabas, did not think of seperating from their husbands, and offering themselves to the Prophet. They did not compare or found faults in their husbands. Also note, even the virgin girls at that time did not line up outside his house having crushes and requesting for marriage.
Man and Woman, ALLAH has made your better half. And He knows whats best for you. So ask HIM! I know every one wants the best for themselves. So ask ALLAH to give you what is BEST for YOU :)
May ALLAH guide us all to his true path.
Umm Abdullaah
June 6, 2011 at 10:44 AM
I am glad someone raised this point….
There is nothing wrong with wanting to marry the Muslim man you see who appears to be knowledgeable and sincere, if he has less than four wives. Just do it the proper way – get your Mahram to propose to the Shaykh!
As for the wives if such men, may Allaah grant them fortitude but they should trust their Muslim husbands, and expect good from them.
Ismail Kamdar
June 6, 2011 at 10:52 AM
It could be wrong to want to marry him if he is content with one wife and happily married then a sister proposes and it puts a strain on his marriage because his wife is not comfortable with other women eyeing and proposing to her husband.
Polygamy is no longer a norm or something most Muslims can handle.
Umm Abdullaah
June 6, 2011 at 1:05 PM
I am sorry if I came across as glib on an issue which is obviously a sore point with the American Muslim community.
That said, as a woman who once overheard another sister comment that her (my) husband – who os NOWHERE near the caliber of Amarican da’ees – was the only man who could make her consider being a second wife; i still maintain there is nothing wrong in a woman desiring to marry a man – Shaykh or otherwise.
Should she put herself forward, flirt with him, stalk him or try to hurt his wife in any way? NO.
But making a proposal through her Wali is not haraam. All he has to do is refuse…
And work extra hard to make his wife realise how satisfied he is with her!
Marie
June 14, 2011 at 11:33 AM
You will see many normal, nice sisters married to very nice, ordinary, average muslim men — obsessed with the thought of him marrying someone else.
They may or may not be focused on meeting their full duties to their husbands, yet they are definitely obsessed with an imagined scenario of him marrying another.
There are sisters who are very jealous, destructively jealous, even some are violently jealous. There are sisters who would rather divorce her husband than accept a second wife, others who would accept her husband to commit adultery or go to prostitutes or “marry” poor virgins in the village for a week rather than take another wife. Right or wrong, this is some women’s emotional reality. If a man has married such a woman, then it is HIS responsibility for the choice he has made.
If a jealous wife’s emotions hold the marriage hostage, so that if there is any talk or remote possibility of second marriage their marriage is threatened with destruction…that is on HIM for his choice.
If he then puts himself in a situation where he interacts with hundreds of good, practicing Muslim women every month, or year — and after that if he gets some proposals over time, or if he finds himself wanting to take another wife — it is on HIM to deal with the consequences. Do not blame others.
If a man has agreed to a marriage contract where the wife can divorce him in the case he marries a second, then again it is on him to deal with that choice he made.
Allah swt has every right to test this situation. So you chose, then face the test. Do not make accusations against others.
It is unjust to turn around and say any muslim woman who offers herself in marriage (how is a separate matter) is trying to ruin the first marriage. It is unhealthy for the husband and wife in such a case to make their marriage bond about accusing other women of giving them the eye, or being shaytanic or “tempting” the husband as if sisters have fornication in mind rather than marriage — all this for choices and restrictions they themselves have put on themselves.
Even in the case of the legality question, there are plenty of countries where this is legal and if the need and ability is there it can be implemented.
The wife’s job is to protect HER OWN chastity, to make sure she is not meeting with people without her husband’s approval, make herself available to fulfill his needs upon request, obey him in halal matters and so on — she is not a prison guard over her husband or prosecuting attorney of her fellow muslims.
The husband is the leader of the household. Face your choices. If you INSIST to deal with hundreds and hundreds of women and put yourself in that situation, be honest. Do you need a second wife or third wife? If you do, then protect yourself and your family by getting a second or third wife. This will PROTECT yourself and your families, and by extension all the other women you deal with.
If you really DO need a second wife (and this is not just physical, but emotional and psychological caretaking, need for company, especially for those who travel a lot), but because of your own choices and restrictions you CAN’T or WON’T, or because you have an image of yourself as monogamist, culturally you disapprove of polygyny and you don’t want to admit your real situation — then go ahead follow that course, but don’t pretend you don’t need a second wife and then give off marriage-interest vibes, end up breaking hearts by having emotional affairs with innocent women who only want what is halal or making false accusations against others.
Making your marriage an “us against the world” situation, where “the world” are the other muslim sisters is not right. And don’t fulfill your needs by adopting other avenues for getting them met. You narrowed the field of halal to please your first wife, so deal with it. Take all the precautions you can, but don’t be shocked that Allah swt is going to test what you have done.
(But if you really do need a second wife and pretend you don’t, then at least do not sponge up for free the emotional, psychological, and physical goodies of the sisters you encounter — looks, smiles, jokes, comforting talks, intimate sharing, close contact, caring, cooking, etc – whom you have no intention of marrying. And if you have led on women while soaking up emotional freebies that make you feel good and fulfilling your emotional needs on the down low, then do not be surprised if they get upset when you bail out on them when it comes to marriage talk time!)
If you really don’t need a second wife and don’t wish to have a second wife, then take your precautions, consistently announce your status in a serious but non-arrogant and non-insulting way, direct any marriage traffic towards other matchmaking venues, reassure your wife, try to teach her about the destructive nature of jealousy and suspicion, spend more time with your family, reduce and strictly control your dealings with other women, and so forth. And yet if you shift to needing a second wife, then you have to realize the situation changed and re-think your situation.
The bottom line is everyone’s rizq is determined, no one will get another’s rizq, no one will ever, ever take what was not written for her, and no one will ever, ever prevent the rizq from reaching another sister no matter how ardently one tries.
Umar
June 6, 2011 at 9:07 PM
Re: end of point 2, there are many Islamic qa websites, which have answers to questions. You input keywords and most likely your exact question will already have been asked.
Just make make sure you find reliable websites. Not every website set up by Muslims contain authentic information.
General Rule: Don’t use google. Don’t trust forums.
hellow0rld
June 11, 2011 at 12:32 AM
Masha’Allah. Can you…uh, write an article yourself?
Jazakumullahu khairan
Imnottelling
June 6, 2011 at 7:30 AM
Salam, so we are all human beings, and this is a little side-track, but… there should be HALAL matrimonial match-making things/dinners/get togehters/whatever at these events (like once a year). Each institute, local branch of whatever masjid, should hold a yearly matchmaking thing – maybe a few organizations can co-sponsor one in a given locality. I mean muslim guys salivate over muslim girls too at these conferences, classes, whatever. There is a need in the community and it is human nature to seek that wherever it may be. Whenever a large amount of muslims get together – who are single, it is on the mind – it needs to be addressed Islamically at these same functions on a regular basis.
I am speaking from an early twenties single muslim guy (on the hunt) so… you could take what I am with a grain of salt?… or someone could read this and a light bulb can go off… Or everyone can join halfourdeen dot com, or everyone can do both… We all gotta pray more I think – and may Allah help us.
Imam Zia
June 6, 2011 at 7:32 AM
Agree whole-heartedly with the article. It’s got to a point where the actual speech of the “shaikh” is so hollow and without any basis or foundation, but that is overlooked because of the artistic delivery of the speech. As the Prophet SAW said, “Indeed some speech is a form of magic”.
Marie
June 15, 2011 at 10:24 AM
Speakers who study and use techniques from NLP, marketing, public speaking, change therapy, coaching, communication…are delving into powerful stuff. Some of these techniques put audiences into mild hypnotic trances, activate strong subliminal messaging, and no doubt are designed to attract and hold audiences. Intention might be ‘good’, but it is a double-edged sword in its effects on opposite gender.
The more popular a teacher or lecturer, I assume he is that much more charismatic — naturally or enhanced through practice and study of how to target and influence an audience — and take even more precautions as to my internal reactions.
For the record, even if I am listening to a lecture on youtube in my home, I wear hijab and look away or down from a male speaker. In case of phone call or email, I do not respond right away and deliberately take a day to respond (if possible, or the max. amount of time if it is time sensitive), and reply only in the daytime even if it is only to email.
MW_M
June 6, 2011 at 7:48 AM
Type in “Yasir Qadhi s” into google. Second or third suggestion is, “Yasir Qadhi second wife.” Try typing in any well known scholar followed by the letter “w” or “s” and almost always, you’ll get “blank scholar wife” or “blank scholar second wife”
Maria
June 6, 2011 at 7:49 AM
We all know Shaytan will always find ways to make us fall into small sins beause he an’t sway us in the bigger ones.
There is a REASON men and women are to be segregated, a REASON we are asked to lower our gaze. There is ALWAYS an attraction between the opposite sex. Thus what Islam has taught us is to NOT harbor whatever you feel. Feelings will arise yes, but IF you go through with it, exploit it or remain in that fantasy, that will be your responsibility.
It was ones own fault to have looked at the Shaykh or remained listening if she found his voice attractive and to go further with it is a transgression.
Hijaab also covers your voice if you didnt know. So cover your identity, your face, your voice et.
IF a lady likes a shaykh for him being a knowledgeable and a good Muslim, she should try to shun those feelings. If that is not possible then she should find another way to seek knowledge and avoid that Shaykh.
Talking about marriage may be lawful and better than what is fahash but the WAY and HOW they are talking is unlawful.
This is indeed a transgression if it were me, I would avoid it at all costs. I hope those sisters would too.
May ALLAAH guide us all to be better Muslims and Muslimah. ANd may ALLAAH forgive our sins and transgressions. Ameen
MW_M
June 6, 2011 at 7:51 AM
Also, we’re hearing reports of “imams” abusing their position and taking advantage of sisters who come to them like this. Insha’Allah they’re isolated incidents, but it just reinforces the point of the article–Sisters, observe the same etiquette around scholars and students of knowledge as you would around other brothers!
Daniel
June 6, 2011 at 8:35 AM
Other causes:
1. Too many romantic films (Western and Indian) , making sisters (and brothers too) believe that romance can be perfect.
2. A celebrity-obsessed Western society which has made Muslims in the West want to replace Western celebrities with their own celebrities: idealised, sanitised Shuyukh, nashid bands, etc…
3. Dumbing-down of Islamic knowledge. It means the audience can’t distinguish between real scholars and middle-of-the-road tullab. A lot of the so-called Shaykhs aren’t particularly knowledgeable but people can’t tell.
4. Idealising the unknown. When you only know someone’s public persona it’s easy to idealise that person. But the same shaykh who is adored in public is going to have his own problems when he’s at home.
There’s probably more.
Dawud Israel
June 6, 2011 at 12:59 PM
+1
F
June 6, 2011 at 5:59 PM
+1
Muslimah
June 8, 2011 at 4:55 AM
+2
hellow0rld
June 11, 2011 at 12:35 AM
+9000 masha’Allah
Stacey
June 14, 2011 at 4:01 AM
Idealizing is a HUGE trick of the Shaytaan. You see what you want and don’t know the details of the character flaws and problems inherent in every person and that very lopsided view of makes anyone look good and subsequently can make your current spouse and home situation look a lot worse than it actually is!
R..........
June 6, 2011 at 8:51 AM
I agree with the reasons put forward in the article but for some it it is a combination of a few of the reasons. I as a woman can tell u that there are some men and women who are single and wish to marry but due to a lack of good/knowledgeable and practising men and women in their own community or lack of access these gatherings are seen as an opportunity to find a similar thinking islamic spouse. Also some of the married women may be married to men who lack islamic knowledge and are more culture orientated so are already in unsatisfiying or unhappy marriages already. They may bellieve a shayk will fulfill the role of husband better with islamic knowledge and so approach the sheiyks with that intention. The sheiks/students represent the ideal husband women are looking for in todays society.Many men do not attend these lectures with their wives because of work or other commitments or even simply becos thay are not interested. This means the wife’s knowledge of islam increase and she sees ideal men/student males around her and it grows questions in her mind regarding the husbands attitude towards her. If she goes home and shares watt she learnt then some men don’t listen and apply it or listen then ignore etc. If the wives gain more islamic knowledge than husbands it will cause issues in marriages. Both husband and wife need to attend these course together. I’m sure married men may also have these issues but they usually choose to leave their wives at home to look after kids while they go mix with women outside in these conferences.
aA
June 6, 2011 at 9:52 AM
This cannot be a contemporary issue.
I’d like to know how scholars in the past dealt with this. Anyone?
Amatullah
June 6, 2011 at 11:12 PM
I’ve read multiple times that shuyookh in the past have had this issue as well, but usually it was through the woman’s wali. I’m not quite sure how they “dealt” with it, but it’s definitely not a new issue. It may have increased during these times but it is not something that just started happening these past few years.
ibn Insaan
June 14, 2011 at 8:47 PM
Salam alaikum ,
Could you please guide us to the reference(s) where these incidents can be located. I have honestly not come across any such pattern in my reading so would be curious to learn if this is truly the case.
Many thanks, and may Allah reward you, and them for their efforts for this deen.
Wassalam alikum
Abu Suhaib
June 6, 2011 at 10:36 AM
OMG! The Tablighis were right!!!
Seriously though, I know shuyookh whose families were destroyed due to this. This is serious business. I don’t agree with keeping the sisters in a room and watching a video relay of the class but there has to be a wall or some type of separation between the brothers and sisters. There also needs to be very limited conversation between the sister and the shaykh. Sisters shouldn’t go to these shuyookh to get marital advice or even counseling. They need to find others and preferably sisters they can trust and confide in.
hellow0rld
June 11, 2011 at 12:37 AM
“OMG! The Tablighis were right!!!”
Lol. It’s just Qur’an and Sunnah man, having a partition. Not part of any group. Tabligh’s just bringing it back.
Brother
June 11, 2011 at 7:05 AM
Having a partition is Quran and Sunnah?! I thought people knew that a partition is not from the Sunnah, although it is permissible if there is a need for it.
hellow0rld
June 12, 2011 at 4:23 PM
Nah, it is – there’s at least one saheeh hadeeth in which Nabi (SAW) draws a curtain between himself and the women. Not to mention ahadeeth of it being practiced by the wives of the Prophet (S) and the sahaaba. (Some people say “Oh that was just for the wives of the Prophet (S), not for all Muslim women” – but the commentators of that ayah mention that it does indeed apply to all Muslims.) Not to mention other narrations of the curtain being practiced by tabi’een, tabi’ tabi’een, etc.
Hasan al-Basri (RA) mentioned that he took knowledge from 50 (or 30?) women. How’d he do that? From behind a curtain (if they were non-mahram women), not sitting there staring at them.
Brother
June 13, 2011 at 1:56 AM
Well where is it?! Care to provide us with the hadith or at least a proper reference!
Stacey
June 14, 2011 at 4:08 AM
The partition isn’t a Sunnah for prayer in the masjid although the vast majority of scholars past and present were not against this concept. The partition between men and woman in general is something Islaamic and it is based on (among other things) the ayah of the Qur’an instructing women to speak to men from behind a curtain/barrier and as was mentioned the tafsir says that this applies to women in general not just the wives of the Prophet (salallahu alaihi wasalaam). I don’t know of any hadith where the Prophet put a curtain between himself and women – Allahu alam but it’s certainly an accepted practice and one which has general backings if not a specific one with him and women whom he taught.
hellow0rld
June 14, 2011 at 2:03 PM
I’m not at home so with some Google searching, found this in an e-book:
A woman extended her hand from behind a curtain to
hand a piece of paper to the Prophet (S). The Prophet
(S) pulled his hand back and said, “I don’t know if it is
a man’s or a woman’s hand.†She said that it was a
woman’s hand. The Prophet (S) responded, “If you
were a woman, you would have coloured your nails with
henna.†(Abu Dawud, Nasai)
I’m sure you’ve read this hadeeth before elsewhere.
I’m not an aalim, but if anyone is here, would they please provide any more ahadeeth on the topic? Jazakumullahu khairan.
Brother
June 14, 2011 at 7:32 PM
This hadith is not proof that the Prophet peace be upon him used to put up a curtain between him and women, and the fact that he didn’t know if the hand was a man’s or a woman’s hand is indicative of that.
I am not saying that putting up a curtain/barrier is not permissible, but to claim that it is sunnah is something which needs proof.
hellow0rld
June 23, 2011 at 12:21 AM
Oh, I’m not saying that the Prophet (S) always put a curtain between himself and women whenever he interacted with women. I don’t know about that. However, the hadeeth does show that the Prophet (S) approved of this curtain. Besides, the wives of the Prophet (S) put a curtain between themselves and the male sahaaba, and this comes from a clear ayah of the Qur’an.
Sunnah is not only something that the Prophet (S) did himself, but also what he approved of. It also doesn’t mean only those things which the Prophet (S) did every time without exception. There are some sunan which the Prophet (S) did only certain times.
Also, the fact that the Prophet (S) did not know whether it was a man’s hand or a woman’s hand does not give any indication of how much the Prophet (S) had a curtain between himself and women. There are other instances of the Prophet (S) and the curtain which you can ask a qualified ‘aalim about.
Abu Suhaib
June 6, 2011 at 10:44 AM
Another solution for the shaykhs is to take the wife with them when they travel. if they have a family and could travel by car, do it! Stay with your family.
Bilal Abdul-Aziz
June 6, 2011 at 11:07 AM
Assalaam alaykum,
I salute my teacher – brother Ismail – for writing such an enlightening article. The problem challenges the paradigm of lives of all Muslims, really, and I think it has introduced a topical issue posing sort of a big test to the Muslim ummah today.
The article treks through a real time problem affecting Muslims today, which I think needs serious intentions and actions to address.
Thanks for the article on the all-time topical issue brother!
Umm Reem
June 6, 2011 at 11:09 AM
Br. Ismail, would you rather have these girls have a crush on a Hollywood celebrity or a shaikh? : ) (had to say it, couldn’t resist!)
Although, JazakAllah khair for a wonderful article. You have given some very practical and logical advice.
There are a couple of things I want to point out:
There is a lack of good husbands in our ummah. Hence, when women hear and see a shaikh talking about high standard of living and advising men about treating women kindly etc. they assume that he lives up to his words and admire him for his ikhlaaq and habits. If these sisters are in a bad marriage then it is only natural for them to develop feelings for the shaikh. Just my own observation while dealing with sisters.
I think if the shaikh, with the knowledge and the status Allah has blessed him with, take control of the situation wisely, he can keep his wife on “his sideâ€. Like, take his wife in his confidence, keep her as a mediator between him and his female students, gives her passwords to his accounts/phones, make it publically known that he is not interested in polygamy etc. I know of 2 shayookhs who have done this in the past, and their wives enjoy a peaceful life.
I like al-Maghrib’s policy. From what I have been told, the teachers have to sign a contract that they will not marry any al-maghrib student.
This has happened the other way too. When a female student rejects the proposal, she gets harassed by her teacher. Of coruse these are isolated incidents, but the problem is when a shaikh does such things then it can be more harmful then a student harassing the teacher.
Ismail Kamdar
June 6, 2011 at 5:35 PM
Barakallah Feek for your comments.
I noticed that the lack of suitable brothers is a cause of this. It pains me everytime a female student asks me if I know of any good potential husbands for them and I can’t find any among my male students. Its only natural then that they start considering polygamy.
At the same time, we can’t blame a teacher for being a good practicing Muslim and trying to be a role model for the men in his community.
The problem lies in more women practicing Islam than men these days. I’m not saying the women should stop, rather many men need to wake up!
I think Al-Kauthar has the same policy about marrying students. Its an excellent curb to this fitnah.
ksek
June 8, 2011 at 1:00 PM
amin sister!
hellow0rld
June 11, 2011 at 12:40 AM
“I like al-Maghrib’s policy. From what I have been told, the teachers have to sign a contract that they will not marry any al-maghrib student.”
Noble intentions, Sister, but a contract will not youthful hormones curb.
Yasir Qadhi
June 6, 2011 at 11:27 AM
Salaam Alaikum
Jazak Allah khayr Ismail for a very frank and much-needed article.
Don’t even get me started on real stories….
May Allah protect us all!!
Yasir
Sahardid
June 6, 2011 at 12:14 PM
Assalaamu alaykum,
I remember the queue for your lecture at the GPU lecture last year. People stood there for an hour or so…
I was really amazed, shocked and somehow relieved. Because I’d rather see muslims queue for an islamiclecture of a student of knowledge, than a muslims doing ‘itiqaaf at a sale, new movie release or Justin Bieber concert.
Walhamdulillah
Ismail Kamdar
June 6, 2011 at 5:37 PM
Wa Alaikum Salaam
Wa Iyaak Shaykh!
Ameen!
Umar
June 6, 2011 at 9:18 PM
I was rather hoping you’d share some stories :P
Suha
June 10, 2011 at 5:53 PM
ASLM. This article was indeed a revelation to me. I guess in our society we do not have many scholars and are dependent on visiting scolars, cds, webinars etc.. In fact when there is a scholar who visits it is house-full. We have had Green, Zakir Naik, Hussain Yee, Mufti ismail Menk, Yusuf Estees, Yusuf Ismail, and a few others. Old and young, women and men flocked to hear them, starved of real scholarship and wanting to learn, listen, increase their Iman..no one would dream of wanting to marry them or entertain such ideas..perhaps all they will think ‘how nice if our husbands could also be so iman filled’. But I guess it is different in the west with many classes available and ‘mixed masgids’.
They would comment on how great he was or fabulous lecture and if he did turn out to be good looking they would say that and quickly say asthafirullah or change the topic, alhamdulilah. Interesting comments and valid ones posted here, but I can understand the problem . Good men are hard to find but are women so desperate they would even accept being a second wife!!!! ^^.. And women or girls who have turned to Islam would love to marry a scholar but I would be terrified about if I would meet those high standards! However I am very surprised that the girls would be so forward as to want to seduce them or even chase them.. Auoozubilla..The attraction is natural but the environment it is conducted in contradicts the exact purpose..May Allah protect us all and the sheiks ameen.
Working Muslim
June 6, 2011 at 11:42 AM
Assalam alaikum,
Brother Ismail, excellent article- jazakum Allah khair. And dare I say it so true… I have seen this happen to skayhook. My advice, is all communication should have a third party- I always cc in my husband when emailing a brother. With the global village of communication that is now here, we need to remember that Allah is aware of everthing- our feelings, our thoughts and our intentions.
I would add that unfortunately the same crushes is true of brothers to sisters as well, you get a sister who is doing good work in her community, a brother decides he wants to marry her (even though she is already married) and then either starts stalking her or sending crude messages.
Wasalaam,
Saiyyidah
WAJiD
June 6, 2011 at 11:42 AM
Interesting topic for a good article mashaAllah.
Out of all the comments, I am surprised that no one has yet mentioned the shocking state of Muslim men as one of the prime causes for Shaykhy crushes?
I’m a guy (and do not hold myself exempt from this generalisation) but even I feel sorry for the sisters when looking around the guys section. They have to choose from:
– the gym fanatic who wears ever tighter T-shirts to highlight his latest muscular development
– the excessively shy and nerdy introvert who is socially incompetent and plays video games even in his 20’s
– the football fanatic who lives, sleeps, talks football non-stop
– the liberal Muslim professional who is into securing his career at the expense of his akhirah
– the freshy Muslim guy for whom cricket, bollywood and pakistani culture is a holy trinity that makes sense
– the religious Muslim guy who thinks all women should stay at home or else…
– the religious Muslim guy who thinks all women need to be liberated by him personally…
– the slacker Muslim guy who thought it would be an excellent career move to be a bum
– the Muslim guy who is marrying you because his parents didn’t agree to Alicia etc…
– the overweight Muslim guy who smokes and is on a one-man mission for a heart-attack in his 30’s
So when a Muslim brother who is practising and has his head screwed on comes along he is so rare that he immediately becomes the focus of attention. And this goes doubly for the shuyookh. If us men sorted ourselves out a little bit, maybe the shuyookh wouldn’t be quite such rare examples of Muslim men with faith, hygiene and charm.
(disclaimer: like I said, total generalisation… but on a serious note, I do feel that there is an imbalance out there in the genders even if I haven’t put it across very well.)
UmmSarah
June 6, 2011 at 12:21 PM
Ridiculously hilarious but TRUE!
Iamnottelling
June 6, 2011 at 12:43 PM
I think this article stems from a great muslim marriage difficulty for people to find spouses. Thus agree with the comment – The same is true for the sisters in return.
Sarah
June 6, 2011 at 1:29 PM
It’s so reassuring that a male highlighted this very pertinent point :)
Gal
June 6, 2011 at 2:27 PM
AGREED 100000%
Nahl
June 6, 2011 at 3:25 PM
this post deserves its own article!
so true!
you hit the nail right on the head!
Ismail Kamdar
June 6, 2011 at 5:38 PM
I found this comment sad yet hilarious at the same time. Reminded me of Baba Ali’s videos. :)
Me
June 7, 2011 at 12:05 AM
Hahahahahahah this made me laugh out loud. Sooo true.
Khidr
June 7, 2011 at 9:26 AM
MashAllah you spoke my exact thoughts brother. Being a brother myself I can see the same habits amongst my brothers. SubhanAllah I now see the wisdom of the pardah that a shaykh i go to puts up, actively saving himselfs and his female students from this fitnah, furthermore saving his male students from mixed intentions as well. A simple solution inshAllah i would hope for is that my brothers wake up and start taking their akhira seriously and my sisters keep their intentions truly for the sake of Allah. On a side note someone mentioned it already but just to restate it many students of knowledge are mistaken as shuyook because people just don’t know the difference. And i feel that is reason many incidents might happen with these So called Shaykhs falling into these traps. Allah swt help them in their tests as well as us. Ameen
P.S. Jazakallah Kairan brother Ismael for another refreshing article that no one truly has addressed.
M
June 7, 2011 at 6:02 PM
Right on.
Trivial
June 9, 2011 at 12:18 AM
Add to that list… a guy who judges other guys on their outer appearance and apparent behavior and thinks he’s got it all figured out! – May Allah give us all the toufeeq to look beyond the ostensible and into the real – only then can someone hope to transcend crushes and towards admiration for the right reasons.
Suha
June 10, 2011 at 5:58 PM
well said!! I am gonna share that on my fb wall!! jazakllah!
I am
June 12, 2011 at 5:03 PM
So Mr. Wajid to which category you belong and to all those males who are commenting over here … which category you people belong too
I am
June 12, 2011 at 5:05 PM
This list also applies to females also but in a modified and different way …. I am working on that list and will post it soon
I am
June 12, 2011 at 5:14 PM
Oh please ….. stop bashing males all the time ….. Females are also equally responsible … They aren’t the same women anymore just like in the times of prophet …
Why does everything comes down to male bashing
Dawud Israel
June 6, 2011 at 12:56 PM
A friend told me sisters could care less about him before he became a student of knowledge, but then when he started studying and became known, suddenly they get all crazy about him. Its all about fame I guess. Maybe this is why there are high divorce rates?
Rabiya
June 6, 2011 at 1:06 PM
Assalamualaikum wr wb.
I fully agree with Brother Ismail kamdar. I feel the Shuyooks need not have their photos included in their articles. if it is a video lecture, then at some point they can talk about their children and their loving wife whom they adore much. These days young unmarried girls attend Islamic lectures, conferences , seminars etc. with their peer groups. If they are brought by their fathers also since the seating is separate they end up sitting with their friends only. That gives them a lot of freedom to talk about the looks and voice of Shuyooks and their impressive personalities. I know of an 18 year old who was mesmerized by the knowledge, looks and the Islamic knowledge of a class mate’s husband that she ended up marrying him to be his second wife. That brother married her only for household help and not for love. Imagine the shock the girl suffered when she realized that she was given the status of a house maid and nothing more. Young girls should be advised to also keep away from married men, because these men are as eligible as young and unmarried youth. I don’t know how far this is true, but I’ve heard one 50 year old man say that the dying wish of an elderly man also will be to attract and have relations with a young girl. So, both parties better beware. Allah knows best. I welcome comments and wish to be corrected if I am wrong.
Yusuf Smith
June 6, 2011 at 1:25 PM
As-Salaamu ‘alaikum,
One answer to this is for women to wear niqaab to Islamic functions and gatherings even if they do not normally, particularly if the function is not segregated, like a convention (dhikr meetings and the like which are in mosques or people’s houses are usually segregated). Shaikh Nuh Keller asks female students to wear niqaab when at the suhba gatherings, around him and the other brothers (and also while in Syria and Jordan, though it is their choice elsewhere in the world); he says that people who are spiritually inclined are more likely to be attracted to similarly inclined people of the opposite sex, so that a sister in hijaab but no niqaab would be a bigger attraction than some of the half-dressed females seen elsewhere.
I used to know a sister who wore niqaab normally who covered her eyes as well when at Islamic events. I am not saying they should all do this, but it makes sense to cover more when in religious company than when in the streets.
F
June 6, 2011 at 1:47 PM
Walaikum Assalam,
But isn’t the bigger issue the other way around — women still being able to see shyuookh and having a crush on him?
Amad
June 6, 2011 at 2:40 PM
exactly. We aren’t really talking about shayookh spotting a “fresh” sista, but rather a fully covered, munaqiba, having a crush… that’s not unheard of.
Mb the shayookh should wear niqab?? :)
Ismail Kamdar
June 6, 2011 at 5:25 PM
I considered wearing it many times, but airport security are just not ready for a male niqaabi!
Nikhat
June 7, 2011 at 1:33 PM
that was really funny…:)
bint Abdul Khuddose
June 8, 2011 at 2:24 AM
Hilarious! But I so wish there was a niqaab for males as well, as it might have reduced this sort fitnah!
hellow0rld
June 11, 2011 at 12:46 AM
yeah it’s called having a purdah (partition) between the men and women.
the ummah will continue suffering from ‘shaykhy’ crushes, broken hearts, destroyed marriages, and other disasters until we come back to the Qur’an and the Sunnah.
Sister R
June 7, 2011 at 12:13 AM
How we dress *usually* affects how we think and act. I wore nikab for a while and I actually felt and acted more modest.
shahgul
June 7, 2011 at 2:26 AM
I agree. The dress rules should be stricter both for men and for women at these gatherings.
Mariam
June 10, 2011 at 7:18 PM
My husband is considered by many to be a shaykh of knowledge. He was approached by a niqabi to consider her for a second wife without a wali by a personally written message.
Mahwish reply @ Mariam
June 11, 2011 at 8:39 AM
Volume 7, Book 62, Number 24:
Narrated Sahl bin Sad As-Sa’idi:
A woman came to Allah’s Apostle and said, “O Allah’s Apostle! I have come to give you myself in marriage (without Mahr).†Allah’s Apostle looked at her. He looked at her carefully and fixed his glance on her and then lowered his head. When the lady saw that he did not say anything, she sat down. A man from his companions got up and said, “O Allah’s Apostle! If you are not in need of her, then marry her to me.†The Prophet said, “Have you got anything to offer?†The man said, “No, by Allah, O Allah’s Apostle!†The Prophet said (to him), “Go to your family and see if you have something.†The man went and returned, saying, “No, by Allah, I have not found anything.†Allah’s Apostle said, “(Go again) and look for something, even if it is an iron ring.†He went again and returned, saying, “No, by Allah, O Allah’s Apostle! I could not find even an iron ring, but this is my Izar (waist sheet).†He had no rida. He added, “I give half of it to her.†Allah’s Apostle said, “What will she do with your Izar? If you wear it, she will be naked, and if she wears it, you will be naked.†So that man sat down for a long while and then got up (to depart). When Allah’s Apostle saw him going, he ordered that he be called back. When he came, the Prophet said, “How much of the Quran do you know?†He said, “I know such Sura and such Sura,†counting them. The Prophet said, “Do you know them by heart?†He replied, “Yes.†The Prophet said, “Go, I marry her to you for that much of the Quran which you have.â€
Anonymous
June 6, 2011 at 1:47 PM
Assalamualaiykum Brothers and Sisters,
Firstly Jazakarallah Brother Ismail for publishing this article as I believe it was much needed. One comment stated that women should stay home and learn off their husbands, brothers etc; I just want to say that I have experienced this first hand as I was told what he had ‘learnt’ and when I asked questions or didn’t understand something, I was attacked and told that I was being disobedient and had to just accept whatever I heard. I now know how wrong it is to blind follow anyone, so I believe it is very important for women being the main source of bringing up the next generation to be able to seek knowledge without being pressured to follow specific sources as there are many interpretations. I understand this may not always the case but I do know of many women who are faced with this attitude. I don’t see that solving the problem discussed in the article.
I think that there needs to be more young female scholars so that women don’t have to subject themselves to temptations, even though many times sisters do not go with those intentions, we know the shaytan will work very hard to make us fall into sin.
Alhamdulilah Dr. Billal Phillips and his team are doing an amazing job with the Online University because it gives muslim women who do not want to be a product of fitnah a chance to learn about Islam, so Inshallah can teach other women in future.
Men and women need to be educated more about Polygamy in regards to rights, responsibilities and etiquette because it seems it has been misused and creating more negative issues as a justification for lack of haya. ( some men justify staring at other women and interrogating them with their wife present because they are thinking of another wife!)
Please accept what is good, anything I said that was wrong may Allah SWT forgive us and keep our intentions to please HIM.
Ismail Kamdar
June 6, 2011 at 5:27 PM
So all the sisters reading this should join our BAIS program at the Islamic Online University. See you all in class next semester! :)
shahgul
June 7, 2011 at 2:16 AM
Wallahi brother,
Are you trying to promote your online program by writing this article? And some women may find your picture cute, and try to contact you online, so why don’t you post the picture of an inanimate object to avoid the fitnah?
bint Abdul Khuddose
June 8, 2011 at 2:33 AM
I would rather want someone to write about the attention some shuyooq crave!
This is what exactly I was going to leave a response on! Few shaykhs carving for attention!!
MW_M
June 9, 2011 at 10:57 AM
http://muslimmatters.org/2008/03/10/keeping-it-real-student-of-knowledge-superstars/
hellow0rld
June 11, 2011 at 12:49 AM
the inevitable 300-pound gorilla in the room. gotta respect the moderators for allowing that comment though. i got hella censored for things like that at shaykh suhaib webb’s blog.
freedom of speech <3
Anne
June 6, 2011 at 1:49 PM
We had a pretty well known Sheik come to our community – he actually comes every couple of months or so. I was excited to hear him speak. Women were on one side, men on the other. I do not think women should be locked away watching over tv, we should have equal access. Men can behave themselves, as can the ladies.
But after hearing him speak – which he is obviously knowledgeable but was totally unprepared – I no longer respect as a teacher. He was jotting down notes as he started his presentation almost an hour late! But I digress.
His behavior with the ladies was atrocious. This guy is married, has children. He does not need to talk privately with a sister in the women’s section (completely off limit to men – usually), nor does he need to go to dinner with a gaggle of muhajababes in tow. While he does not churn my butter, it is obvious he is a rock star to some of the women. He too, by his obvious disregard for Islamic etiquette in timeliness, preparation, and gender interactions – had a bit of a complex himself. Attendance at his presentations have dropped markedly over time because of these behaviors. Now I am very liberal when it comes to gender interactions but I was mortified by how freely he would allow these women to hang off of him.
What if one of these women with their shakey love offer to be his wife, with no rights, except the pleasure of his company when he is in town. Who would be to blame if he said yes? Her for offering, or him the learned man for accepting such an arrangement? Just curious what others think. I find many put the onus on women – like Yusuf above – where we should stay come, cover head to toe, stay out of sight, etc. I think it is largely on him – to practice what he preaches – and not get such an inflated ego.
MW_M
June 6, 2011 at 6:28 PM
Hmm, I hope this is an isolated incident. I’m fairly confident I know which sheikh you’re referring to because I felt the same way when he visited our town in regards to all the aspects you mentioned. From the other speakers who’ve visited our community (which is many) I think he’s definitely in the tiny minority. May Allah protect all our scholars.
MW_M
June 6, 2011 at 6:42 PM
Oh, and I place the blame squarely on him. You’re going to get women going ga-ga over celebrities (which is unfortunately what many scholars have become), it’s up to him as a scholar to not abuse his position.
Reminds me of this.
Suha
June 10, 2011 at 6:09 PM
Yes the Quran does first address the men and ask them to lower their gaze.
n
June 6, 2011 at 1:49 PM
Some very nice solutions have been put forth:
-have female scholars
-work on more separating etc.
For now, i think the sheikhs themselves can nip this in the bud.
I remember working with a sheikh way before he is popular the way he is now. Mash’allah this brother was very serious but polite. I remember asking him a few questions after that at some of his conferences and mash’allah this man was EXTREMELY serious in a polite way.
I remember he turned down an offer from a female volunteer to help him with some research or somethig and made it clear that his wife is not cool w/ him working with females. Clearly the guy wasn’t looking for a second wife (im not saying there’s anything wrong w/ that).
Y’ani if the brother himself is very down to the point w/ the women, women’s hearts may not be moved also..u get what im saying?
I think the problem comes when the sheikhs themselves may be moved and don’t close the door. The closing of the door has to come from them.
I remember another young student of knowledge who was a popular speaker as well and may Allah bless him and his family, he would always turn sideways when speaking to a younger sister. I remember with my mom, he would talk normally but with me, his manners were much more serious (not rude).
One of my main teachers I learned from, may Allah bless him, he was ABSOLUTELY amazing at the concept of lowering his gaze, even though he was slightly an older man but still, the shaitan can come to anyone and there’s a REASON why Allah decreed this rules for us, that so many muslims now ridicule others for following.
Amad
June 6, 2011 at 2:45 PM
I think the whole separation solution is a HUGE red herring. Think about it. Women will STILL see the shaykh if it is side by side. If they don’t see him on stage, they’ll see him on Youtube… And are we really talking about women being in a room where they can’t see the shaykh at all. Have you actually sat in a lecture without the lecturer being there? It’s a huge turn off. But I digress.
Usually it is not because the shaykh has superstar looks that entices the sisters… it his knowledge, his authority and above all, his popularity… wow, so cool to be the “shaykh’s wife”. So, what does separation have to do with the solution completely escapes me.
I can accept if we want to talk about classroom styles and we bring up the separation issue as a reasonable thing to discuss, but really, no offense to the few commentators who brought this up, I can’t see the connection. At all.
Siraaj
June 7, 2011 at 1:11 PM
Er, I think you accidentally replied to the wrong comment bro :)
Siraaj
Stacey
June 14, 2011 at 4:20 AM
LOL @ not being able to see the lecturer being a big turn off… I think that’s the point! Seriously, I know what you’re saying – you do have to pay more attention when you can’t see the person’s face or gestures but we’ve been doing it for yrs while working or in the car via audio files so it can be done it is just something to get used to and generally the benefit outweighs the potential problems.
Sister R
June 7, 2011 at 12:30 AM
As a female teacher of male students I agree: it is primarily on the teacher to deal with these situations in the most dignified way. There should also be a protocol in institutions to deal with students who inappropriately approach teachers and/ or their families. It can be a clause in the contract or in the rules of attendance.
I have attended classes where the female students would swoon over the teacher and jokingly(?) bad-mouth his wife – even though they didn’t even know her! It was weird.
Amal
June 6, 2011 at 2:06 PM
Assalamu alaykum Brother,
Jazak Allah khairan for this article, as it does highlight a big problem that is being faced in the Ummah today, but sadly as is often the case, it only tells one half of the story and once again it seems as if the finger is being pointed at the sisters for causing the fitnah.
I’m not denying that there are many sisters who do say inappropriate things about the Sheikhs and some of them do pursue them, but this problem isn’t a one sided one the sisters are often pursued and treated in manners that aren’t befitting.
Like many stories, there are two sides to everything and more care should be taken from both sides to fear Allah and behave appropriately.
Ismail Kamdar
June 6, 2011 at 5:29 PM
That is why I asked the sisters to comment and explain to us what the Shuyookh might be unintentionally doing wrong that attracts ladies. I accept that at times it could very well be a Shaykh’s fault too.
Amal
June 6, 2011 at 6:51 PM
This is a very difficult question to answer, as it is difficult to answer properly, as again it seems to imply that what the sisters are doing is intentional and what the Sheikhs are doing is unintentional. And from my experience there is blame on both sides.
But what I would say is that one of the main things that causes the problem is that many of the Sheikhs don’t seem to realise what it is that attracts a woman’s heart. When they give talks they dress in a smart manner that is attractive to women, speak in an appealing voice, make their talks lively and interesting with amusing stories, talk about how well they treat their families, and show the way to Jannah. What woman wouldn’t be interested in a man that presents themselves and the deen in that way!
bint Abdul Khuddose
June 8, 2011 at 6:01 AM
I donot know if it is intentional or unintentional (Allahu Aalim), but few Shaykhs create a stardom for themselves!! they would create a ‘FAN’page and ask more and more people to LIKE it! here the shaykhs have to check their INTENTION, are they doing it for ‘fame’? or are they doing it for spread of Islam? I have no problem with Shaykhs creating their fan page regarded their intentions are right.
Secondly, they should avoid uploading much pics on social networking sites/FAN pages.
Thirdly, they should NOT entertain PMs (Personal Message) asking for personal details etc (which are not related to the deen) and should speak to the point.
I hope and pray that Allah guide us all to the right path. Ameen!
Amatullah
July 17, 2011 at 7:23 PM
Sometimes the shaykhs and the daees smile at the sisters and act too friendly. They should be more formal and talk straight to the point. And if theyre teaching a class that is mixed, they should avoid making too many jokes so that you dont get some sisters laughing their heads off when there are brothers in front. And also, avoid looking too much at the sisters, but rather look at the males at the front.
Mahwish
June 6, 2011 at 5:46 PM
Look at the Poll results…. 127 votes so far…
77 ladies saying they havnt had a shaykhy crush.
whereas 33 + 9 + 8 = 50 ladies who have had a shaykhy crush.
Participate, if you havnt….
MW_M
June 6, 2011 at 6:32 PM
Gotta keep in mind, MuslimMatters readers aren’t a representative sample. You’d be surprised at how many mildly religious to non-religious sisters are attracted by scholars
jock
June 6, 2011 at 5:53 PM
This is a rather bizarre issue to me, I must admit. Somehow I didn’t really think Scholars to be the ones getting the ladies’ attention. Average Muslim men must try and make themselves more attractive/ interesting/ responsible if this is to be solved.
There’s no point trying to blame women exclusively for this or to pretend as though more segregation is going to solve this
Ruby
June 6, 2011 at 6:25 PM
They don’t usually get the ladies’ attention. It’s just a very VERY VERY small section of the general ummah that they get the attention of. It’s a certain demographic – the knowledge-religiously-inclined sisters of the ummah (sadly, there aren’t that many sisters like this out there, just as there aren’t that many brothers of this type). Therefore, it’s natural they feel like this, but I hope this article doesn’t deter some students of knowledge out there, as it’s not a major issue that happens, but they should know it happens. Just be prepared for it when it does happen.
MW_M
June 6, 2011 at 6:35 PM
Please tell me then, what are the shuyookh doing wrong to attract the attention of sisters? I keep hearing it’s not a one-sided problem but people have yet to point to one thing wrong the shuyookh as a group are doing (I’m not talking about the exceptions who’s faults are clear, I mean those shuyookh who are getting chased by sisters despite not wanting the attention)
Agree that segregation is not going to help this an iota
hellow0rld
June 12, 2011 at 4:16 PM
Well, for one thing, having a partition between the shaykh/shaykha and the opposite gender helps immensely with this.
Like, real talk: if you’re an attractive shaykh (you know you are), and a bunch of beautiful, unmarried, virgin girls are looking at you, admiring your speech – come on. Any man, shaykh or not, is going to be affected by that. Even a non-Muslim could see why that is. Because it’s not a question of Islamic knowledge – it’s a question of being human.
Ruby
June 6, 2011 at 6:18 PM
You know, if the sisters develop a crush on a shaykh – it’s their hearts. They can’t control their hearts. Now what’s wrong with it is acting on it. It’s just like if a co-wife gets jealous with the other co-wife. Her feelings are permissible because she can’t control her heart, but acting on that feeling can make her blameworthy.
A
June 6, 2011 at 11:59 PM
agreed. I was surprised nobody said that earlier.
Crushes are normal, on the shaykh and the non shaykh. It happens. Get over it.
It’s the way people act on those crushes that is disturbing.
ibn Insaan
June 7, 2011 at 8:11 PM
Assalam alaikum wa rahmatullah,
@Ruby
You’re right to some extent.
I tried to write a post ealier in the day, but on submission it disappeared :(
It’s true that you can’t control your heart *entirely*, but what you are accountable for, is the actions that also lead to the sentiment being conjured. so yes, if you’re lowering your gaze from the male daa’ie/shayks; fasting if necessary; working on the quality of marriage relationship (for those already married), and selecting the appropriate speakers’ talks to attend (each person knows herself’s weakness in this regard) – then yes, the person is not particularly to blame, and it’s the actions after that that count. But none of that abdicates responsibility for the actions that, in some cases, allowed/lead to the shaikhy crush happening.
In all cases, the only solution from the situation is to flee to Allah; to work on strengthening one’s relationship with Him in private as well.
Allah knows best
Sister R
June 7, 2011 at 12:33 AM
Agreed!
Dayang
June 7, 2011 at 9:35 AM
agreed
Fazle
June 6, 2011 at 6:19 PM
This issue should be brought to attention to the student of knowledge and there should be some general guideline which should be followed during lecture, public talk etc. This article remind the story of the poor Muhajin who used to call Athan and finally ended up leaving islam, committing zina followed by accidental death.
Nadia Mohd-Spruill
June 6, 2011 at 6:33 PM
This is indeed disturbing article for several reasons, 1st and the most important is the misleading &confusing message that article is sending; though, it give a clarification that it is not a general accusation but still conflicting the s…tatus that is build on trust and accountability that most of any Muslim community individuals have with their Shaykh/authorized religious personal/khateeb/Imam/ lecturer and so on… The 2nd issues: which is valid in it’s importance as the 1st, Why disturbing the individuals who seek Islamic knowledge with certain Islamic scholar, for their permeable and acceptable choice to go where there Islamic institute or lecturer are, for their outstanding knowledge in Deen, their mental capacity to obtain all others need for advises and guidance, for their patience and kindness in handling with trust and privacy some individuals personal/public issues, for their righteous and just stand between conflicted parties, and for other more depending in the knowledge student needs,
My last concern and it is truly a sensitive towards our Muslims community, isn’t enough that we revive the attacks from non believers? I consider such article as a new kind if misleading disturbing, and false accusation towards why Muslims follow such and such,
I personally admires certain Muslim scholars,Imams, shayokh, lecturer for their comprehensive educative style, their absorbency to the main issues that conflicts Muslims social status, and their moderate ability to provide solutions. I feel bad for such article that send such unacceptable image about the sisters who chose to follow certain shaykh, and I believe that my brothers and sisters in this time and age are more educative, tolerant, and peace makers
Some other issues that bothered me regarding this article: the person who posted this article, Ismail Kamdar, I wonder how did he collected his information; especially, is all about sisters talking with other sisters who talked about the handsomeness of their lecturer. The statement ” We can still marry him” sounded more teenage girls talk, not mature and educative practicing women.
Then, the story about the married woman who complained about her husband’s status and she is attracted with students of knowledge, to start with this matter; . Many women left their husband after a number of years for the lack of understanding and communication; So What? to share her interest with the authorized shaykh, and with all trust and comfort to talk about her dissatisfaction with her husband and her developed interest with knowledge seeker. She is not committing adultery. If it was a man who got attracted to intellectual female speaker won’t that be the same, admiring her knowledge and brain assets, and develop interest on her to marry her, I don’t see any haram of that.
My personal views regarding this article, as sensitive as it is, Harsh kind of on the sisters, and got that kind of depressed life style.
I find it myself commenting on this article as much cause it bothered me, that I didn’t read any comment confronting the article aspects. I have a teen age kids, my son and my daughter, if one of them expressed to me their admiration for a person of knowledge and Eman and Taqwa, I won’t reject that, I will actually encourage it as long as that going to keep them in the Islamic environment, time after time they will comprehend and will process the information they hear from this or that. The point is, stop that kind of destructive criticism that might make it hard on the sisters to follow their shaykh, seeking the benefits of his Islamic education. I will follow the Shaykh’s halaqa/meeting/confrence/course as long as his lectures and khutbah benefit my Deen and my brain
We all have the right to chose where and with whomever to learn about our religion without handling doubts and suspicious looks from
Others just cause they maintain intellectual level they want to keep up with…See More
Ismail Kamdar
June 7, 2011 at 4:10 AM
I think you missed the point of the article and took it the worng way. Nowhere did I claim all women are like this, or that women should stop studying with men.
I am just pointing out a basic truth of something that happened in many communities, so that male and female students of knowledge can prepare themselves to deal with it and avoid fitnah.
Nadia mohd-spruill
June 7, 2011 at 11:54 PM
Well, the article was very clear. You didn’t say it but it sound like…any way, for each his own opinion, we need to respect that though not to agree with it….
Sssshh
June 15, 2011 at 10:47 AM
ASalaamu alaikum waramatulahi wabarakatu
I have SEEN and HEARD sisters comment on men’s beard, looks, body, and DEEN AT Masjids/halaqas/classes and conferences…. MARRIED men, shuyook. It’s happened with and without partitions. Not everyone, not even a lot however, it HAS happened.
Some sisters want that bearded bro, some want that caramel complected bro, others want the African American or White convert.
Either way it DOES exist in ALL ways, in many environments. I didn’t take it as a blame at us women since I, nor many of my companions, act/think this way I know it’s not accusing all women just bringin it to the limelight if you will.
This is not an attack on a sisters, sisters or brothers, nor is there even a real solution. Women and men, we both need to work on lowering the gaze, not free mixing and checking our intentions.
Are we going to see the speaker or are we going to learn? When option A is above option b we need to stay home cleanse our heart and read instead.
hellow0rld
June 13, 2011 at 11:27 PM
Well, if you look at one of the early comments, there’s a sister who said her marriage was destroyed because she got into a shaykhy crush and wasn’t attracted to her husband anymore.
Some people learn the easy way, some people learn the hard way. May Allah (SWT) make us of those who learn the easy way, ameen.
HenaZuberi
June 6, 2011 at 6:38 PM
Alhamdulillah, so far I am so proud of our Sisters for discussing this issue civilly and not getting offended or thinking that Brother Ismail has a misogynist, anti women agenda unlike when we post articles on problems with Muslim men and get accused of being shameless, liberal ultra-feminists.
Inqiyaad
June 9, 2011 at 7:44 PM
@ Sister Hena Zuberi,
Maybe something else also contributed to the difference in the quality of commentary.
This article was balanced, in the sense that it advised both parties about the importance of Taqwa.
Some articles here on this blog advise one party about their duty toward Allah and assume that everything with the other party is good and wholesome (I am talking about the final post and not what they believe). Some use overly sensational language.
If you do not address one parties (Islamic) duties and obligations you can be labeled as biased. Sometimes this labeling may be implicit in the form of calling a person ‘feminist’, ‘liberal’, or whatever…because it is based on the assumption that the bias resulted from ‘feminism’, ‘liberalism’, etc.
The extrapolation may be wrong but it was the deficiency in the article that offered the scope for such assumptions and commentary in the first place.
Safia Farole
June 6, 2011 at 6:42 PM
Great post Br. Ismail,
I want to add that we shouldn’t forget that women are human – its natural to admire/infatuate over
others. Although I don’t condone the celebratizing of shuyookh by the masses, and I don’t condone sisters going up to shuyookh and actually expressing these feelings and desires, I see the feelings as being a natural of human emotion.
And is it me, or does it seem like there is more of a scarcity of good brothers than sisters? Is this a phenonmena (not scientifically mesasured) that others notice as well? I think some readers that posted above have also caught on to this underlying root cause. I mean, I think alot of what is driving this is just sisters feeling that many brothers lack the qualities they are looking for in men. So, when they see a shaykh routinely exhorting people to be upright in character, perhaps it is not an impossible leap of imagination that they come to perceive the shaykh as embodying those principles – thus leading to a natural attraction.
Again, I think it only becomes a problem when people actually start acting on these feelings.
MW_M
June 6, 2011 at 6:45 PM
I think it’s more of a perception of more good sisters than brothers than reality. At least in my community, it seems to be the exact opposite. Or maybe I’m just in a unique community :-).
Umar
June 6, 2011 at 9:41 PM
Don’t want to come across as too judjemental, but if you take the beard/hijab to be a yardstick, a far greater proportion of females don the hijab, than males growing their beards. Therefore outwardly females can seem more religious.
Brother
June 8, 2011 at 11:45 PM
Personally, I don’t think that there are more practicing sisters than there are brothers. I know in most seminars there are more sisters usually, but that only tells us that the sisters prefer that type of avenue to seek knowledge than the brothers. Brothers that seek knowledge might prefer some of the other ways of doing so like watching lectures online and reading books, or going to the local masjid and learning from the lectures there. The class that I give at the local masjid in my community is mainly attended by brothers and I don’t think that a sister has ever come to any of those lectures. I have also noticed though that most of the brothers who are interested in seeking knowledge are usually older in their thirties or forties and are already married and have children. That being said, I do think part of the issue is the fact that sisters might be more active in seeking knowledge at a younger age than brothers.
Also some of the brothers that are students of knowledge might be seeking knowledge at a university of some where abroad in one of the Muslim countries, so all these factors might be part of the reason as to why there are always more sisters at seminars than there are brothers. And perhaps for older brothers and sisters who have kids, if the sister is usually at home all week long taking care of the kids, come the weekend she would want to go out of the house to attend a seminar or something, but for the brother who has been working all week long, the weekend might be the time to stay in and rest rather than go to a seminar.
I know that it might be hard for many of the sisters to find a good brother so this makes it seem like there aren’t that many out there, but speaking personally and from the brothers who I know, I see that many of the practicing brothers are also having a hard time finding a good sister to marry. I think one of the main problems that we face is a lack of proper channels to find some one for those who are seeking marriage.
Amatullah
June 6, 2011 at 11:10 PM
I recently moved to a new community in Canada, and the proportion of sisters to brothers at islamic classes is mind boggling. I would say there are about 125 sisters to 25 brothers.
It is true though that there are ‘good’ brothers around, but they may not come to these events or classes.
Ismail Kamdar
June 7, 2011 at 4:13 AM
My community is the same (more practicing women than men). At my last Youth Program that I hosted, 12 sisters and 3 brothers showed up. At another course I taught, 30 women and 2 men showed up. The local Al-Kauthar course gets around 30 men and 100 women.
Add in that most of the men are married and most of the women are not, and the problem is further compounded.
Noor
June 16, 2011 at 7:14 AM
’12 sisters and 3 brothers’ shows the wisdom behind the 4:1 ratio :P
A single brother willing to enrol to become a shaykh
June 6, 2011 at 6:51 PM
Wow.. Am I living in a parallel universe?! This didnt even cross my mind *scratches head in confusion*
Quite frankly I would like to give up on my MBBS and enrol to a shaykh course :P
Sorry #couldntresist :D
Meena
June 6, 2011 at 11:24 PM
I think that a lot of brothers probably don’t realize this until it’s “too late.” It should be the responsibility of their teachers/community leaders to fill them in on what will probably happen and for them to advise them and help them lay down some rules/guidelines that will help them manage this fitnah.
Ismail Kamdar
June 7, 2011 at 4:15 AM
Sadly, some men actually study to become Shaykhs with this intention and that adds even more fuel to this fire.
Suha
June 10, 2011 at 6:25 PM
lolol!!
SabrunJameel
June 6, 2011 at 7:47 PM
Lol, this post made my day mashAllah.
On a serious note though, this is in my opinion a very important topic. If I tried to put myself in the shoes of our pious predecessors, I would never have imagined such a problem. Just a few nights ago I was discussing this with a fellow organizer, when the topic of entertainers came up. The shuyookh are probably a more complicated case, since they teach the essentials, but when we where talking about entertainers this topic of glamorized islam came up. I’m not going to be hypocritical and call the same entertainers I call out to events fitna’s or useless, but I really do strongly advise them to think twice about their career/hobby. Having to be in the public eye is very tough, especially when it’s something that isn’t really essential. I would encourage our talented muslim brothers and sisters to consider alternatives such as writing; it’s what our ‘ulamaa did! With the rise of technology people probably do want Youtube videos with effects and even a face to see, but subhanallah it really does create problem. Problems like sisters not lowering their gaze, struggling with nafs and pride, jealousy, unwanted ‘ayn …so on and so forth. I realized it even causes division within some of our communities because some brothers are more esteemed than others and so much more. It destroys humility and humbleness even when we intend good, because no good muslim really intends corruption when wanting to be a comedian or poet and so on. Having to see muslim fanatics similar to what the non-muslims do to Hollywood and all somehow does bug me. I think it’s exactly the whole Hollywood/ Bollywood Syndrome that has just manifested itself into the Muslim community, but just as it has its ups, I think it hurts on the long run even more. It creates a path for Shaytaan to come through with so many issues, and that’s his goal. As for the issue of Shuyookh, I think it’s a tough one, but I also very much agree to the fact that muslim sisters should start educating the other sisters much more. I know there are lots who have great potential mashAllah, and inshAllah it will only bring about lots of khair if we encourage them to teach .
Wallahu Ta’aala A’lam
Amatullah
June 6, 2011 at 11:09 PM
This is not a new issue, it has been happening for a very long time. I think now it has increased, but shuyookh of the past would also receive proposals from women – probably in a less forward way. Allahu a’lam.
SabrunJameel
June 7, 2011 at 1:23 PM
That’s true, and yea probably in a much different way as well… I agree when it comes down to the fact that peeps do need to get a grip on themselves though. Having admiration, loving and highly esteeming our mashaykh is bound to happen and is normal and not a man-shaykhy crush . However when it comes to these kind of situations, whereby the sisters are married , the sexes are segregated and the shaykh is still a finah big enough to cause ”indecencies”, that’s when the problem isn’t from our public speakers or everything else that can play a role in it like ourselves who hype it up…it comes down to the core; to the heart and taqwa. It’s good to see the different perspectives such as from a shaykh’s wife herself and addressing it; I think these are the things we just overlook and kind of notice but don’t take seriously enough….until we hear the real stuff going on and how much of a problem it causes subhanallah
ibn Insaan
June 7, 2011 at 8:17 PM
I’m sure that comment could be right; but would you be able to show us what lead you to this conclusion regarding the scholars of the past.
Jazakum Allah khairan
Sarah
June 6, 2011 at 8:01 PM
I really like the number of diverse opinions on this issue. Just FYI I started a #ShaykhyCrush hashtag on Twitter today. Good way to share mini-anrcdotes and extend the discussion to another platform.
JazakAllah Khayr for a very thought-provoking article.
Cartoon M
June 6, 2011 at 8:47 PM
I, a man, have been star-struck by shaykhs (shaykhy man-crush?) in the past, so I can understand how a woman could get a shakhy crush.
Ismail Kamdar
June 7, 2011 at 4:18 AM
I think Shaykhy man-crushes are not as problematic, although they can affect the Shaykh’s ego and cause fitnah in that manner.
Amani
June 6, 2011 at 9:23 PM
Number 1 – ew.
Number 2 – Peeps need to get a grip on themselves, sisters and shuyukh alike. However, this does not warrant a total separation. In fact, I think thats part of the problem. If we learned how to interact with each other on some decent level despite our gender differences and not sexually objectify one another so much this would happen much less. I think more decent exposure would lead to a better outcome. In other words, we need to have workshops that deal with interacting with the genders in a balanced manner and not just totally black out one another.
Number 3 – I have known of shuyukh or du3aat who have manipulated the feelings of young girls and women and that needs to be addressed more than it is in our circles. We have too much taboo baggage going on its disgusting. The pink elephant in a thobe is in the room but nobody wants to point it out! Its time to point it out and soon inshaAllah
Number 4 – I highly advocate Woman Scholars not just for this issue but because Women need to be empowered with knowledge too. I see nothing wrong with women teaching men either in the spirit of Ummahatul Mu`mineen – however not every sister can do that just as not every brother can be a shaykh (a right one anyway).
Number 5 – Mashaykh, please involve your wife! Wives of shuyukh should be known in the community and be visible. I think its a form of hypocrisy when a man is all out and about and doesnt allow his wife to be apparent (respectfully of course, just as he should be). Women need more exposure and especially the wives of the mashaykh to lead that example and to help our community overcome its sexist ideas (and yes, we have a lot of these – thats another can of worms, however) and to help alleviate this issue.
I think it would help a lot if the shuykh had group meetings, something to the effect of a group therapy session or a shrink together, to let out these problems, discuss them and find ways to deal with them. With communal support, this should help drive away that issue as well. Workshops and seminars on that issue should be given to aspiring shuykh and I think that it would be wonderful if they were open with their wives about it and solve the issue together to safeguard their marriage. This is the most important of all points, I think – spousal openness in communication and support.
Umm Khalid
June 6, 2011 at 11:36 PM
i agree with this, especially point number 5. If the shaikh’s wife is available, then it should be known to the sisters that they can bring their questions to her either for her to answer or for her to pass along to the sheikh for them, and reply them by email.
If the sheikh’s wife is not available, he should mention her, with her good qualities. Women tend to be jealous, and I think some women will start to believe that they are more deserving of being the sheikh’s wife because they assume they are religious and wanting to learn more than anyone else.
The shuyook should try to make it publicly known that, as AnonyMouse mentioned, the life of the wife of a sheikh or student of knowledge is not all glamorous as sisters imagine. The wife may feel like the husband already has 3 other wives- their names are ‘Seeking Knowledge’, ‘Spreading Knowledge’, and ‘Travelling’. My husband is not a scholar, but has been in the MSA and even that was trying for me so I can imagine the difficulties of the wives of scholars and duat.
Also, I have seen the wives of shuyook struggling with all their children by themselves and trying to listen to their husband’s lecture. And most of the time, the sisters do not know who the sheikh’s wife is, or that she is even there. If anything, I see people looking down on her, backbiting her, saying things like ‘why does she bring all her kids to the masjid? if she cant control them she should stay at home’… when in fact, it is her husband speaking, she has more right to listen to him than anyone else.
I don’t believe one gender is better than the other… men and women were both taught by their mothers. But women know deep down that whether we like it or not, the husband is the leader of the family, and he has the power to make our lives happy or miserable. A man can travel alone, leave the kids with his wife and go out by himself any time, but the same is not true for a woman. She is the one who carries the babies in her tummy, she is the one who nurses them, she is the one who looks after them while her husband is at work, and she is the one the children form a strong attachment to. When they cannot be with her, they cry, and in her heart, she cries too. It’s much harder for a woman to just walk away from a bad marriage, because in the west she is going to have raise her kids alone and work to support them, while the divorced man will go back to bachelor life.
So marriage is a huge risk for sisters- women have much more to loose if they make the wrong choice. And these days they are mostly left to it on their own since their wali do not make the effort to help them find a suitable spouse and get to know him to make sure he’s good.
Safia Farole
June 7, 2011 at 1:46 AM
“And these days they are mostly left to it on their own since their wali do not make the effort to help them find a suitable spouse and get to know him to make sure he’s good.”
You hit the nail right on the head. Allahu Akbar.
shahgul
June 7, 2011 at 2:05 AM
Or there are not enough doctors for all our desi girls to marry.
Umm Zayd
June 8, 2011 at 8:29 AM
Masha’Allah sister, you made some good points.
Mayubelle
June 7, 2011 at 1:42 AM
Hey Amani,
I think you’ve raised some excellent points, and I agree with all of them. Respectful and modest interaction between the genders is the way to go…. asking women to stay home, and follow lectures on the internet isn’t a particularly thoughtful or considerate solution- in fact its not a solution at all. Extreme segration can also quite understandably lead to increased sexual tension and strained interaction between men and women. Women aqcuiring knowledge and extending it to others is needed in itself, quite apart from the gendered dimension of it, in terms of instructing female students. I also think that the Sheikhs wife should also have a strong and active presence and in the community; not sidelined or hidden while the husband gets the spotlight.
Amani
June 7, 2011 at 2:43 AM
Thank you Mayubelle,
Also I would like to say that at the end of the day, it takes two to tango. If someone were to fall into that pit, the shaykh most presumably, or hopefully anyway, should help the sister by not succumbing and also help himself by not taking part into something of that effect. I know theyre not made to be supernatural human beings of some sort and its not like we’re built in with emotional switches that we can easily turn off either but somebody’s gotta put things in place. Who else would it be if it isnt the shaykh since he has relatively more authority and perhaps less at stake (depending on how you see it anyway)?
And if we truly love someone, we will not aid them in haram – this goes for all parties and beyond shuyukh and their female ‘fans’ (I cringe at using that word)- this issue may as well work for gender relations in general or those who are perceived to be pious or active and are hailed for it, as my friend Meena highlighted in another post. Yeah I know it can be hard sometimes but its not impossible inshaAllah if precautionary steps are taken to make that falling harder. May Allah swt hide our faults and forgive our shortcomings.
:^)
Me
June 6, 2011 at 11:25 PM
In my 6 yrs since I started practicing and started taking Islamic classes I have NEVER heard of married sisters falling for a shaykh, yes I have seen some sisters say a shaykh is good looking or how they wished they were married to him but I don’t think that’s wrong.. I honestly don’t believe this article… I have many friends and traveling across the country to take classes.
Ismail Kamdar
June 7, 2011 at 4:20 AM
Alhamdulillah, your community is protected from this Fitnah.
May Allah keep it that way and protect us all from fitnah.
Meena
June 6, 2011 at 11:41 PM
I’ve read through half/more than half of the comments and one thing I didn’t notice is the idea the general tendency of girls/women having crushes on their teachers/professors. I’m sure that many of the reasons why women crush on their teachers will be the same as the reasons why Muslimahs crush on Islamic figures. Maybe a reason why shaykhy crushes exist is because this deen is so amazing aH, that any ilm we try to seek becomes so addictive. When you have a person teaching this kind of knowledge, it may be hard for the sister to separate the knowledge from the person (which is what I think is true when any student crushes on her professor/teacher).
Also, it could just be that the sister wants that kind of knowledge so bad, that by marrying this person, she feels like she will possess the knowledge almost by “possessing” him. I think it’s time for the sisters to have faith in themselves and to go out and get the Islamic education they want. We should be empowered enough to seek an Islamic education, instead of having to rely on our husband or another man to acquire it for us and then to run off and ask them about every question we have.
I also think that because I am relatively young, the people I know and talk to about these sorts of things are also relatively young, so I don’t see college age Muslimahs having a problem with crushing on shuyukh as much as they do as the shaykh’s homey, who is also around the same age. From what I can tell for my peers, the guy who’s always chilling with the shaykh or getting special shout-outs is more of a fitnah than the shaykh (who is old!!!) himself.
I think that this “celebrity culture” around the shuyukh isn’t too much of a factor here, I think we have more problems with “shaykhy crushes” at the local masjid, etc. And that doesn’t mean it’s necessarily a “shaykhy” crush, but rather any legit brother who is a student of knowledge and teacher or an activist or very involved in the community. I also kind of want to expand this into the realm of MSAs, because I also see this happening all the time. Different groups of sisters dig different kinds of guys. Among a certain group of sisters, they will all fawn over the religious brother. Among another, they will go crazy over the brother who is a hardcore activist. Maybe this guy is a current student, or maybe he’s an alumni who has become a “legend.” So this “shaykhy crush” issue also becomes a problem among the sisters who are involved in student groups.
May Allah protect us all from this and its related fitnahs!
Amad
June 7, 2011 at 2:22 AM
Really?? I have been a homey to more shayookh than most… I’d put my “homeyness” in the 99th percentile level. And somehow the attention escaped me! Man, I must have been doing something terribly wrong :) or all the shayookh i was with were young too!
s
June 7, 2011 at 5:48 AM
Yeah and it’s funny when you almost always see the same brother getting married a month later…
all cuz of the special shout out
Amad
June 7, 2011 at 6:29 AM
But my experience doesn’t vindicate this sentiment… and I knew a lot of other “homies”… I don’t think the rub-off effect is that serious. Homies just do the work, without getting any extra rewards or fitnas!
MW_M
June 7, 2011 at 7:49 AM
Yeah, I don’t think the shout-outs do much. Definitely not in my community. Maybe it’s because the shuyookh seem to be almost otherworldly (since the sisters don’t know them other than what they see behind the podium) but the “homie” is known to be a normal person so doesn’t get any reflected glory. Switch that around, I bet the sisters who knew the shuyookh before they became shuyookh see them in a normal light and are less likely to fawn over them.
Muslimah
June 8, 2011 at 8:44 AM
This is definitely true… I, alongwith a small group of sisters, were fortunate enough to study with a Shaykh in our local community before he became a “celebrity”.
I thank Allah ‘azza wa jal that we were able to benefit so much from his knowledge, and I also know, that none of us would even consider having a “shaykhy-crush” on him, as we know him as a regular human being, who has a family, a job, and issues in his life – like the rest of us. It’s pretty hilarious to see how perfect people think he is.. He’s a wonderful man masha Allah.. but he’s no angel.
Having said that, the number of people with real knowledge and actual PRACTICE of Islam is so few, that when sisters (and brothers!) come across those of the opposite gender that appear to have those qualities, it is but natural for them to admire that and wish to have it (or them) for themselves. There’s nothing wrong with that per se – we just need to NOT act upon it in a manner that isn’t befitting of a Muslim.
I feel that as an ever-growing community we need to:
Purify our intentions, lower our gazes and fear Allah ‘azza wa jal….
Susu
June 7, 2011 at 12:00 AM
Assalamu Alaikum,
I’m sorry but I found this article very offensive and baseless. First of all, after taking the poll for this topic, it is clear that this is no where near the majority of women. This article serves as a dangerous tool for jealous husbands that may not have the same craving for knowledge as their wives do, to forbid them from attending lectures. Which in turn will prevent their children and friends from gaining the knowledge the women could provide them. I think we need to take precautions before we write articles based off what we’ve “seen” or “heard” without having concrete evidence especially when, as I stated above, this is not the majority. As a Muslim MAN you do not know the