Gender Relations

Get Over It: 21 Ways to Say Goodbye to that Haram Relationship and Move on With Your Life

Published

May 13, 2014

So you finally came to your senses. That girl or guy you’ve been talking to is not the best thing that’s ever happened to you, and definitely not helping you advance or get closer to Allah. You know it’s wrong, you want to get over it, you want to move on, but it’s just so hard and no one understands you!

InshaAllah, it’s all going to be alright. I’ve heard it all before, especially working with youth. It may be the single most difficult sin to convince someone to leave. I knew a brother who left Islam for a girl, because when all else fails, this is the last arrow Shaytan throws at the believer because it works. And that’s why we need real, practical ways to just get over it.

Keep supporting MuslimMatters for the sake of Allah

Alhamdulillah, we're at over 850 supporters. Help us get to 900 supporters this month. All it takes is a small gift from a reader like you to keep us going, for just $2 / month.

The Prophet (SAW) has taught us the best of deeds are those that done consistently, even if they are small. Click here to support MuslimMatters with a monthly donation of $2 per month. Set it and collect blessings from Allah (swt) for the khayr you're supporting without thinking about it.

The fact that you’re here and reading this is a step in the right direction. You may not think so now, but you WILL get over it. After all, Allah tells us:

“As for the one who is conscious of Allah, He prepares for him a way out. And He provides for him from sources that he could never imagine.” (Quran 65:2-3)

The Prophet tells us in a hadith that Allah says: “When my servant comes to Me walking, I go to him running.” (Bukhari)

You’re probably thinking that getting over a relationship can’t be as easy as people make it sound. Especially since Shaytan spends his days and nights trying to make the forbidden so beloved to you. He convinces you that lust is love as he makes your heart skip a beat when you see that special person’s name – in your email, on your phone, or on your Facebook account.

But believe me when I tell you that you’re stronger than that. Move on, work on pleasing Allah, and you will have no regrets. But just to make things easy for you, here are 21 practical steps you can take to get over that haram relationship, divided up into seven categories:

Just Knock it Off

1. End the Relationship Cold Turkey

Enough with the games already. Stop dipping your toes in the water and jump in. If you think you’re going to try to “downgrade” the relationship a little bit, then forget it. Someone asking for advice once said that he thought it would be a good idea that instead of hanging out as often they would just talk on the phone and meet for coffee every once in a while. It simply doesn’t work. Stopping cold turkey is the first step. In fact, it’s the only real step that you have to take. The rest of what I’m going to share is simply how to manage yourself after you take that step.

2. Don’t Keep them Hanging On

This is not the time to make a deal. No putting thoughts in each others minds about “when the time is right”, or “let’s revisit this if neither of us are married by the time we’re 19.” They may try to do the same to you. Don’t let it happen. This will make you both miserable, will make things harder, and will make it impossible to move on.

3. Cut the Cord

Delete all the emails, texts, Facebook messages, phone number, voice mails, and anything else you have that reminds you of that person. Avoid situations where you will run into them as much as possible. Avoid talking to them in general, and definitely not without someone else present. Don’t try to find out what they’re up to, and stop cyber-stalking them. So quit looking them up on Facebook, don’t follow them on Twitter, and knock off whatever other sneaky ways you have to find out what’s going on in their lives.

4. Tell Them it’s Over… Like for Real

If you must have that last conversation to tell them you’re moving on, then do it. Do it over email and keep it short, sweet, and not open ended by any interpretation. Don’t leave things for them to respond to. End by telling them it’s something you have to do for the sake of Allah. And ask them not to contact you. The sooner you do this the better. If you’re in the early stages then it’s much easier to stop. Relationships progress and before you know it, you could be in over your head, and it’s not as easy to end it (though always doable).

Control Your Emotions

5. Turn the Radio Off

This is not a debate about the permissibility of music. One thing that’s for sure though is that music will spark certain emotions when you’re most vulnerable. Every song will be about you two. Just lay off of it for a bit and give yourself some time off.

6. Stop Wondering

Don’t keep wondering if they’re thinking about you, and don’t give them the opportunity to let you know that they are. Let other, more important things occupy your thoughts. Don’t allocate an hour to stare at your ceiling before going to bed. Read a book instead. Assume they’re doing fine without you, and hopefully they’ll assume the same about you. Keep your dignity.

7. Know They Were Never Right for You

If something starts off wrong it doesn’t just become right with time. Realize that you never really loved them for the sake of Allah, no matter how much you thought you did or what MSA event you met them at. You need something that started on the right foundation.

[Updated] This should discourage anyone from starting something wrong. However, if you’re currently in an unislamic relationship, and marriage is right for you, then you can always repent and start anew on the right foundation —with the right intention for marriage and with the correct etiquette.

But make a decision now, and don’t continue to build on the same foundation you started on.

Fill That Void

8. Let it All Out

Talk to Allah and tell Him how you feel – in whatever language you know how. Cry to Him if you want to. Do whatever you can to get closer to Him. So if you weren’t already praying tahhajud every night, take some baby steps. Allah has an open door policy.

9. Do What You Love

Do things that you actually enjoy doing. Yes, it’s critical to do acts of worship, but also do things that you really love to do. Play sports, go hiking, head to the driving range, watch a movie. Fill your time with things that will engage and fulfill you – and keep your mind from being where it doesn’t need to be.

Rekindle Your Relationship with Allah

10. Quit Looking for Love in All the Wrong Places

Let your love of Allah fill your heart. There is a fulfillment that you will never get from people that only the Most Merciful can fulfill. Know that He has always taken care of you when you had nowhere else to turn to. Ask for His forgiveness and put your trust in Him. He will not neglect you. And don’t be afraid to be alone sometimes… just you and your Creator.

11. Make Dua’ for Something Better

You know the story of Umm Salamah whose amazing sahabi husband passed away, she made dua’ for something better and ended up marrying the Prophet . So know that Allah is the best of planners. And ask that He grant you someone who will bring you closer to Him and make you happy. Just live your life so that you deserve it. After the Prophet died, Ibn Abbas [ra] was said to increase in fasting and prayer. When others asked him why, he said

“I want to get married, and I read the verse: ‘Pure women are for the pure men, and pure men are for the pure women.’” (Quran 24:26)

12. Follow Up with a Good Deed

“Verily the good deeds erase evil deeds.” (Quran 11:114)

So you feel like you slipped and messed up. Follow up with something good. Give charity. Pray at night while others are sleeping. Feed the hungry. Fast some extra days. Just be thankful that Allah saved you from something that could have gotten worse. He is the Most Forgiving, the Most Merciful.

Let’s be Rational

13. Stop Dreaming about Marriage

People spend way too much of their youth thinking about marriage. It’s even a phenomenon with religious youth – actually, maybe even more so with them since they’d rather think of marriage than something haram. If you’re not ready, you’re not ready. Allah says:

“Let them who find not the means for marriage remain chaste until Allah gives them means by His grace.” (Quran 24:33)

Dream big about other things and accomplish something real. Your whole life, and especially your youth, is not about you being attached to someone else. You’re an individual. As the Prophet said: “take advantage of your youth before your old age. (Reported by Al-Hakim)”

14. Take Time to Evaluate

Evaluate what really makes sense in your life with regards to marriage. Is it really the right time for you? If not, is that time soon? Are there things you have to accomplish before you’re ready? Get the advice of good, righteous, and knowledgeable people to help evaluate. Use this time to develop your relationship with your parents. Get their take on things as well and talk to them about how you feel. You’ll get great insight and build a stronger relationship with them.

15. Know that This Too Shall Pass

One of my teachers once told me that all things in life start small and grow, except for the calamity, which starts big and only becomes smaller. You’ll get over this with time. You’ll look back and wonder what your problem was and why it was such a big deal at the time. And know that leaving what is haram will only make your marriage stronger when you do find the right one by the grace of Allah.

Be a Better You

16. Rediscover Yourself

Discover your talents. Get into things that you’ve always wanted to try but didn’t. Develop your skills in something you enjoy. Take time to do things that will be tough to do once you get married and have less time for yourself.

17. Do Things to Feel Good About Yourself

Take care of yourself in these tough times – your mind, body, and soul. Read a book, study hard for your classes, eat healthy, get exercise, drink a lot of water, dress nicely, listen and read more Quran, listen to a good lecture, volunteer at an Islamic function… basically, anything and everything that normally makes you feel like you’ve accomplished something good. Be kind to yourself.

18. Learn About True Love

Learn about what halal love really is. And yes, it exists. It’s not what you think and it’s not how Hollywood portrays it. Real, halal love is the Prophet crying when he saw the necklace of Khadijah long after her death. It’s when she supported him when the whole world turned its back on him. It’s wanting your spouse to do good so you can spend eternity in paradise together. It’s not meeting a girl at a party and killing yourself because you can’t be with her (sorry Shakespeare). Learn what true love really means and you’ll get over any haram relationship real quick.

Get Support from Others

19. Get a Role Model

Hang out with and talk to respectable young, religious, happily married people. Get their advice and use them as an example for yourself in your life. They will help put things in perspective for you. Ask about their stories of how they got married. Ask them for advice and learn from them.

20. Lean on Your Friends

That’s what friends are for. Now you finally have an opportunity to develop stronger bonds with your brothers and sisters (brothers with brothers and sisters with sisters of course, or you missed the whole point of the article). It will be much easier now to spend time with them and make each other better people. You won’t always have this luxury.

21. Be Among the Righteous

Be with people who you know would not want you to be in that haram relationship. The friend who tells you you’re a fool for cutting things off is the one you want to avoid for a while. If one or more of your righteous friends knew about the haram relationship you were in, then talk to them and let them know you’re moving on. It’s a good way to encourage yourself, and inshaAllah they will encourage you. If they didn’t know about it, no need to make confessions. Just enjoy your time with them because it will make you a better person.

I ask that Allah make us all strong. That He strengthens the marriages of those in our ummah, and keep us away from all that is displeasing to Him.

Ehab Hassan is a Muslim youth activist and Islamic worker. He has served on several councils and boards of various Islamic organizations while concentrating much of his efforts in youth work over the past 15 years. He strives to motivate and connect with Muslim youth and families by delivering sermons, leading discussions, and organizing creative community activities. His passions lie in Islamic manners, family development, and sharing heart-softening stories, as he tries to get the world to feel something – because people can be so numb sometimes. By day, Ehab is a Mechanical Engineer, and by night he is a family man trying to maintain his status as the world’s best dad. Ehab resides in Maryland with his wife and three young kids. Follow him on Twitter @ehababuayah.

Tweet6

Reddit35

41 Shares

Keep supporting MuslimMatters for the sake of Allah

Alhamdulillah, we're at over 850 supporters. Help us get to 900 supporters this month. All it takes is a small gift from a reader like you to keep us going, for just $2 / month.

Up Next

What’s The Matter? | Teenager Depression

Don't Miss

A Shade Less | Not Fair and Lovely

Ehab Hassan

230 Comments

Razan

May 13, 2014 at 12:47 AM

#9, 10, and 20 are cruuuuucial!!! You NEED to have a life outside of this person. A bajillion people will sigh and tell you ‘oh but you’re so cute together’ – take it from someone who wasn’t even in a relationship (just a crush), going cold turkey in one way or another is the way to go. Give them a nice conversation, don’t be abrupt – but close things off, and don’t open them up in that direction again.

Reply
- mustafa
  
  December 4, 2014 at 5:13 AM
  
  i am in this situation right now and i feel embarrases but i can do with some help
  
  Reply
  - Hamdan
    
    June 20, 2016 at 6:50 PM
    
    Same situation with me, I will end all of them in sha Allah.
    
    Jazaka Allah Kher for such nice post
    
    Reply
  - Sarah
    
    July 16, 2016 at 2:17 AM
    
    So you can only have a relationship with a Muslim? You’re all breeding hatred and intolerance. Disgraceful article
    
    Reply
- Hedaia
  
  January 17, 2016 at 9:23 PM
  
  ASW. I would like to talk to someone who has been in this situation. I’m in it right now and I’m going to end it at this very second. It’s been bothering me and now I realized that Allan is the one I should love. Allah has my back, he cares, loves, and nourishes me. I’m trying to go on the right path now. Please reply…
  
  Reply
  - Aussie Muslim
    
    January 21, 2016 at 8:12 AM
    
    Assalam Wa Alaykum sis :) Lol this is a pretty late reply, but I just want you to know, that I too was in a haraam relationship, but Alhumdullilah got out of it. In the beginning it’s kinda hard, but wallahi, it gets easier and in the end you end up thinking why the hell you didn’t end this earlier? XD I hope Allah (SWT) gave you the strength to ditch the guy and please always remember that HE is Ar Rahman and Ar Rahim; no matter how badly you think you sinned, sincerely make tawbah and he’ll forgive you :) Allah (SWT) loves his creations ^_^
    
    Reply
  - mohammad
    
    January 22, 2016 at 9:04 AM
    
    im in a similar situation, I feel so bad and I want to end it.
    
    Reply
  - Saima
    
    February 26, 2016 at 12:05 PM
    
    W/Salam. Remember verses from the Quran such as:
    Wa kafabillahi shaheeda ( Allah is sufficient as a witness)
    And
    Hasbunallahi wa na’mul wakeel (Allah is sufficient for us, and He is the best Disposer of affairs).
    Remember that Allah is indeed looking at the hardships you’re putting yourself through and he does see all of our struggles. Ask yourself, why am I ending this? Look at your intention and then leave it completely to Allah to help you get through things and make things easier for you. I’ve been in your shoes and Allah knows, I still struggle but at the same time I need to trust Allah because what he has planned for us is truly better for us and will be in our favor.
    May Allah help us all and if you’d like to talk more about this let me know via email.
    
    Reply
  - Arzoo
    
    March 25, 2016 at 7:35 AM
    
    Asalamu alaikum. I’m in similar situation. Hes the first one in my life never been with anyone because I always knew it’s haram. Didn’t want to be with him but his tears melted my heart. Been together for few years now but every 2nd day I talk about leaving I can’t sleep I’m restless but his words stop me and I cannot leave. I never wanted to be touched b4 marriage and I made it clear to him but still he tried coming closer to me there has been abit of touching involved but no intercourse. Always had a feeling he’s hiding stuff from me I asked him many times but he said he has told me everything ( was lying again) iv read his emails to other girls which are really dirty so I confronted him but he denies everything. Iv lost my sleep. Cannot look my parents in the eye I feel ashamed, my heartaches I cannot stop crying. I never wanted to be with him got with him coz I got emotionally attached always knew it’s haram…il end it today in sha Allah but I’m not able to forgive myself ;( should I tell my mum? I don’t want to hide it from her. What if I get married to someone in future should I tell him? Because I cannot lie and don’t know how I will tell the truth;(
    
    Reply
  - Nuriat
    
    April 12, 2016 at 3:56 AM
    
    I went through the same situation and I went cold turkey alhamdulila I can safely say it works and I am closer to Allah for it.
    
    Reply
  - Saima
    
    April 20, 2016 at 6:25 AM
    
    sister Aarzoo,
    Supplicate, ask Allah for forgiveness and help. Do not tell anyone about your past sins. Ask Allah to conceal them and forgive them. May Allah increase our imaan and help us all. Ameen
    
    Reply
  - Umm
    
    April 24, 2016 at 9:39 PM
    
    I was in this situation too sister, have trust in Allah, everything will be fine
    
    Reply
  - Vishnu
    
    April 30, 2016 at 3:01 AM
    
    if u people are so much scared Allah then why are you giving promisses the men you where loving.i dont think Allah will opose true love
    
    Reply
  - Richu
    
    May 10, 2016 at 8:39 PM
    
    Im in a relationship and im trying to get rid of it cause im a true believer .
    Whether this decision make him feels to be revenged
    
    Reply
  - Haseenah
    
    June 7, 2016 at 4:29 PM
    
    Salaam I was in the exact situation I asked Allah to help me as I did not want to be courting someone with in days Allah took the hurt away
    I asked Allah I want a halaal relationship
    Allah has run to me to the r extent where I wake up at night reading salawaat or anything ….. just talk to Allah and Allah loves u for he listens
    
    Reply
  - Sanam
    
    June 17, 2016 at 7:19 PM
    
    He absolutely does sister! Take it from a person whose been in your same shoes.
    
    Reply
  - muskan
    
    June 22, 2016 at 12:43 PM
    
    U r doing good every person should only believe in Allah and in Muhammad (PBUH) and holy book Quran
    
    Reply
  - maryam
    
    August 17, 2016 at 2:13 PM
    
    same with me sis
    
    Reply
  - Sarah Zahra
    
    August 17, 2016 at 3:56 PM
    
    This path may seem very difficult but trust me…take the first step and ALLAH SWT will hold you and guide you through it. I myself have taken the first step and have been going through many difficult phases but believe me, ALLAH’s help is always there for me.
    
    Reply
  - M.Baqir
    
    August 24, 2016 at 6:58 AM
    
    As salaamo alaykum..Since you have decided to strive for good always remember that Allah swt loves you and wants you to come to the true path of life and HE is the most gracious and the most merciful ..He is forgiving above all…Anything in this life which has good intentions to start with in the name and way of Allah swt will always have good in it and best ending…May Allah swt bless all to the right path
    
    Reply
  - Kay
    
    September 11, 2016 at 5:59 PM
    
    This comment is old but if you want to talk about it or need advice let me know ill give you my email. I was here before too and it was very hard but also the best thing I’ve done. I won’t lie I miss it sometime but I feel much more relieved than I was in the relationship. It’s never worth it. This isn’t my right email since I don’t want my info out if it won’t be used so like I said just let me know if you need advice
    
    Reply
    - Fauziyah
      
      May 20, 2020 at 4:33 PM
      
      Yes its so nice but I need help here too,what if the person I am quitting with in this relationship wants to do it in the halal way with me
      
      Reply
  - Helwa
    
    October 3, 2016 at 9:28 AM
    
    Hedaia,i was also in that situation but Alhamdulillah am out of it..no one helped me but Allah and myself..its very easy to get out of it
    
    Reply
  - owais
    
    November 10, 2016 at 11:06 AM
    
    Okey you can talk
    
    Reply
  - Lulu
    
    November 22, 2016 at 3:22 AM
    
    I’m in a weird place. I was in a relationship with another Muslim man we loved each other very much but I decided to cut it off because I was asking for forgiveness because I had to hide it from my parents. He was a good Muslim he prayed, he treated me with respect, in fact he pushed me to get closer to Allah swt especially when I faced hardship he always told me to go to Him and eventually I did get closer to Him and with that I decided to end the relationship. He understood and told me that he could never be mad at me for ending this over religion but how respectful he has always been and how understanding he was when I ended it like is there a way to make this relationship Halal?
    
    Reply
  - Ebru
    
    December 14, 2016 at 8:34 AM
    
    Did you end it? I just did 2 days ago
    
    Reply
  - Lion
    
    December 16, 2016 at 3:34 PM
    
    @Lulu Yes There is contact him and ask him to send the proposal for marriage but don’t close the doors for him if he is doing nothing except talking there are only few people in the world as he is.
    
    Reply
  - Lion
    
    December 16, 2016 at 3:47 PM
    
    @Lulu Because i have been through this situation and i didn’t ask the man i was in love with now i regret because at that time when i asked him to send the proposal he was not having any job but he was willing to send the proposal after the immediate completion of his study . But i ignored him for good but all he was asking nothing no touching no talking nothing but only time. But i ended up brutally . There are circumstances if you love someone you will have to analyze whether he demands anything wrong? does he demand even a bit of wrong? whats unacceptable in Islam?
    Sister Make your decision before its too late
    
    Reply
  - menahill
    
    December 30, 2016 at 2:45 PM
    
    Aoa……
    Can we talk abput it?
    
    Reply
- Ben
  
  September 27, 2016 at 6:47 PM
  
  I cannot actually believe some people can think that a functioning relationship could come between Allah. Our prophet wants us to be happy, and he wants to help us. The way I see it that means be a good person in whatever what that means to you. Help others, make others happy, and make yourself happy. That is all there is to it. A relationship involving intimate relations literally only provides positive effects if used with consederation.
  
  Reply
- maya
  
  October 10, 2016 at 6:40 AM
  
  So true. After reading that article. It made me feel a lot better. I wasn’t in a haraam relationship but there was a christian guy that i had a crush on since 13. We both liked each other. But i refused to admit my feelings to him because i knew it would be haraam. I kept myself busy but there are times that i greatly miss him. Its been six years and i sometimes wonder whether if i ever find true halal love.
  
  Reply
- imran
  
  December 29, 2016 at 5:58 AM
  
  hmmm ,,, # 9 ,10 & 11 are perfectly right until u miss understood those.
  
  Reply
- Mariam
  
  January 3, 2017 at 1:19 PM
  
  Can someone talk to me?
  
  Reply
Saliha

May 13, 2014 at 1:00 AM

Great article mA

Reply
- Servant of Allah
  
  December 1, 2014 at 5:44 AM
  
  This was truly an amazing article, May Allah give me, you and the entire Ummah of His beloved Prophet Muhammed (P.B.U.H) the strength, courage and ability to turn away from this evil and all other evils out there too Aameen
  
  Reply
Ali

May 13, 2014 at 2:55 AM

Mashallah amazing Article

I believe there are two types of love

Drunk Love and Sober Love. these are terms that I have made up.

Drunk love is a volatile type of love with very high ups and very low downs. Its unstable. Your self worth, sanity and mood is at the mercy of the other person. Or how they treat you.

Your happiness is dependent on the other person.

You need and crave their attention and approval. The thoughts of that person consume your every waking moment. Your mind is totally focused on them. Allah does not even enter into your thoughts, much less into your heart.

Its a very unhealthy type of love. People in drunk love make very drastic choices and lose themselves. This type of love is essentially strong chemical reactions happening in your entire body. in this type of love, eventually it becomes all about power struggles and manipulate the other person and taking advantage of their weakness. It becomes about owning and possessing them.

You feel sad, hurt and jealous if they spend time with their friends and not with you. You want, need and crave their attention. Without it you feel less as a person. You feel less than whole.

Its a love that is based on false attachments and so its doomed to fail and while you are in it you are miserable to your core.

Sober love is a love based on halal foundations. Which means you took the halal approach to meeting them and hopefully being married to them. Yasir Birjas says that if you are talking to someone for marriage and they say their parents don’t know that they are talking to you for marriage, its a major red flag and you should step away immediately, until they talk to their parents first. Because it means they are too scared or not serious enough about marriage with you.

Sober love based on true love, which means you genuinely care for that persons well being and you want the best for them, even if it means you dont get to be with them.

You want them, but you dont NEED then. Because every-time you NEED someone, you give off desperate vibes and you push people away because you come across as Needy.

In sober love, your main focus is Allah and your spouse is there to remind you more of Allah and to help get you closer to Allah

In sober love you are calm and collected. You are in control of your emotions and you dont make crazy decisions because of the other person.

Sober love is the complete opposite of drunk love. Your happiness and mood is in your control (by Allah’s Will) and you make decisions based on logic and not blind emotion. You think clearly.

Reply
- Hyde
  
  May 14, 2014 at 8:06 PM
  
  I down vote because I have become a alcoholic :(‘
  
  Reply
  - Hyde
    
    May 14, 2014 at 8:44 PM
    
    All my sarcastic and witty remarks and comments do not play here; please ask the writer if he could contact me
    
    Reply
    - Ali
      
      May 14, 2014 at 11:38 PM
      
      @Hyde
      
      Are you ok bro?
      
      If there is something I can do to help please dont hesitate to ask
      
      Reply
    - fazal
      
      May 15, 2014 at 12:01 PM
      
      Hyde Brother contact me & I will tell you about me, I was years ago in the same situation as you,but Allah has put me on the right path but I had to make the 1st move. I will try to help you come off this disease
      
      Reply
  - Mahmud
    
    May 26, 2014 at 3:01 PM
    
    Hyde, are you the same fellow who commented on Asharis Assemble?(strange place to say the least)
    
    If so, I don’t think I am too surprised. Please do not sound so strange and return to the Hyde I used to kind of know and love. Instability is never a good thing.
    
    Reply
  - muhammad
    
    January 5, 2015 at 9:54 AM
    
    This message is for Ehab, please email me if you get time. I could use some advice and support.
    
    Reply
  - imran
    
    December 29, 2016 at 6:00 AM
    
    pray namaz…then c ur alcoholic , u dont have any one who tells you that is wrong,
    if do so u wont drink
    
    Reply
- Sabeen
  
  May 15, 2014 at 3:51 AM
  
  Mashallah Brother Ali,
  Wonderful explanation.May Allah grant us Halal Sober love.Ameen :)
  
  Reply
  - asad
    
    May 18, 2016 at 11:46 AM
    
    Please help me…m in same situation..plzz
    
    Reply
- Leon_Isaac
  
  May 31, 2014 at 11:45 AM
  
  I read this comment and I really liked what you said Mr Ali. However there are a few things I have queries on since I, myself am going through a rough patch. If one were to start the relationship on the basis that he does want to end up with her, marriage being a matter of a few years, and if she were to leave me because she felt it was not Halal whereas my perception and ultimate goal of starting the relationship was Halal, how is that right? I am happy for her and content that she is happy on the path that she has chosen but the article forgets to mention what is going through the other half of this relationship. If one were to perceive that a relationship is not Halal then she should not go into it in the first place, if that were not the case then I do not believe ending it would be wise particularly for the other person. Asking the other person to simply gain the same knowledge is better, breaking things off like that could only lead the other person to more pain, how is that justified? I am sure Allah would not want us to hurt people who do love us would Allah now?
  I take pride in saying that I do believe in Allah and I know He will do what is best for everyone who are good people, but when faced with such circumstances, what am I supposed to do? I try to pray and alleviate the pain but all my heart is filled with is angst and hatred for myself as I perceive myself as a bad person now, someone incapable of being loved and I don’t know why. There are instances when one has been able to endure and stay with a horrible person simply because she loves him and yet she can not stay with one who treats her like his to-be wife, has initiated the marriage talks with her parents and always treats her with love and care and is a practicing Muslim. How is one supposed to have faith in the fact that Allah can and will lead him to a happy ending if he stays a good person just like he is when she had to turn to Allah for salvation when he came but not when she had a horrible person with her?
  
  Reply
  - Single Samosa
    
    May 31, 2014 at 5:13 PM
    
    Leon, there is no such thing as a “happy ending”. Life is full of hurts and disappointments. It is very self-reassuring to say that if you are a good person, things will work out and you will get what you want. More often than not, life does not work out that way. Eventually your inner pain will subside and you will move on.
    
    Reply
  - keepyourcool
    
    December 31, 2014 at 7:31 PM
    
    Salaam Leon
    
    Sounds like you’re a nice guy. You’re ready for marriage now? Find a nice chaste sister and go about things the right way. Don’t lose faith and feel shitty. The steps outlined in this article are suited to you, too. Hang on to your dignity, fill your life with good stuff, and let this one go – she’s not a good girl bruh
    
    Reply
- Django
  
  December 12, 2014 at 6:22 PM
  
  Brothers,
  I’ve been in a relationship with a Christian woman whom I loved very much and wanted to marry. During this relationship I’ve hurt her but it wasn’t because I wanted to however, I didn’t know whether to proceed with the relationship/ marriage knowing that she wasn’t ok with my kids raised as Muslims however, I knew that wasn’t an option for me; she then said let’s let them grow up to be whatever they want to be/ again is not ok with that so I could not oblige. I broke up with her so many times that she moved to NY claiming it was because of me well, partially yes but also due to her family issues she wanted to leave ( I took the blame). Her friends and aunt told her that I wasn’t good for her and she listened but still we always rekindle. I prayed for 2 weeks and asked Allah to show me the way, I did 2 rakka of Istikra during this prayer sessions, I asked Allah that if she wasn’t the one to be for me to separate her from me as far as possible and to take away the love I was holding unto. Fact is I don’t know if it’s love or lust but she wanted me to visit her in NY and I had booked my flight and everything but couldn’t leave for the life of me. I spoke with her over the phone and told that work wasn’t allowing me to leave for the month of December she was upset but I was good with that because I didn’t want to go rekindle and have something haram ( sexually) happen and mixed emotions here and there. I’ve never wanted anyone so bad not just sexually but mentally we were good friends. Please advise me on how to get over and I do not want to marry anyone who isn’t muslim it’s hard for those in the west to have an interfaith relationships. Do you all think it’s lust or love quite frankly I do not know but I know she can’t get over me despite meeting another man? She said she doesn’t want to marry him but wants me in her life. She wanted us engaged and do the long distance until she finished school then get married. I wasn’t ok with that.
  Any feedback will be greatly appreciated.
  
  Reply
  - Disheartened Desi Chick
    
    December 15, 2014 at 6:56 AM
    
    It doesn’t matter if it’s love or lust. Why would that make a difference? You asked Allah for guidance, and this woman met another man. Don’t you have Allah’s answer?
    
    Seriously, there are a lot of single Muslim women out there. You chose to get hurt by entering into a relationship with a non Muslim. Please, think about what this has taught you.
    
    You need to gather your senses, drop this infatuation, and ask your parents to help you find a nice Muslim girl who will raise your children as Muslims not “whatever they want to be”.
    
    Reply
  - Al Britani
    
    June 20, 2015 at 8:27 AM
    
    You’ve pretty much answered your own question, seems like you’ve commented to give you a little push (somewhat understandably).
    
    You don’t want to marry a non muslim, you know any further contact with her is unacceptable, is leading you to sin and is making you feel distant from Allah. Allah is the one who places love between two hearts so I don’t think you’re experiencing love at all. With that in mind, read the above article because it does apply. In other words, close this chapter, rediscover yourself, find a hobby and remember what Allah has promised “walk towards me and I shall run towards you!” so start walking!
    
    May Allah make it easy.
    
    P. S this article is 100% spot on… You just need to go cold turkey (I’d say frozen)…anything else makes it open to responses which you DO NOT want!
    
    SubhanAllaah when you’re in that mess you don’t think the solution is so obvious but when you’re out of it and hear of others going through what you went through it appears blatantly obvious!
    
    Reply
  - Hana
    
    July 11, 2015 at 4:24 PM
    
    WOw. Be strong Insha Allah, continuously seek Allah’s help. I know its easier said than down but you’ve got this!
    
    Reply
- Anonymous
  
  April 20, 2015 at 3:33 PM
  
  Masha allah ..very much correct
  
  Reply
- Se75
  
  September 13, 2016 at 1:43 PM
  
  Dear Ali..
  Aww
  ur comment about drunk love and sober love woke me up. I was nodding my head to all the words you wrote. Beautifully put. Thank you for opening my eyes.
  Although I do have a question. .. is there a way to change the drunk love to sober love. We might mistake lust for love , but we can not mistake the mental connection we have with someone. It’s hard to deny when a person understands you, knows everything about you and still accepts it. It’s hard to let go of that. so before ending it… is there a way of fixing it ?
  
  Please do let me know. Jezakumulah.
  
  Reply
Kirana

May 13, 2014 at 6:25 AM

As someone who has had to do this difficult thing, and came out the other end, I can vouch that all these points are true and important. You cannot love truly until you are a whole person yourself. And once you understand this and grow up to be an individual complete person, automatically you will be a better partner to another, and no longer become needy for another incomplete person. But the beginning is really tough. Allah will help you through that bit, and then trust me, it just somehow gets easier as you get stronger and more used to relying on Allah.

Reply
- dammitsrsly
  
  June 23, 2014 at 12:15 AM
  
  can you talk to me please? i think i need help
  
  Reply
Pingback: Get Over It: 21 Ways to Say Goodbye to that Haram Relationship and Move on With Your Life | MuslimMatters.org | My Blog
- Shanaz
  
  November 21, 2014 at 2:14 PM
  
  Masha’Allah great article! have a question for you, where can I ask you? My email ID is shanaz.rukshana@gmail.com.
  
  Reply
tawfiq

May 13, 2014 at 11:43 AM

Can you elaborate on what you would consider a haram relationship?

Reply
- Pam
  
  December 11, 2014 at 3:10 AM
  
  Date everyone and then get married by your parents choice. That’s how Allah intended it right? Thrs no haraam or halal..ppl are people. It’s ur intentions that have you asking such questions. You marry the one you want to spend the rest of your life with. The Muslim community is notorious for this type of behaviour..
  
  Reply
- Maryam
  
  January 13, 2015 at 2:42 AM
  
  I would say it is any relationship with the opposite gender which has desire associated with it on either side and is not directly leading to marriage. Rough description, but basically haram relationships are haram before any actions happen, even when just the lust/desire is there.
  I think that’s what makes it harder because you think it’ll never get there, but then when there’s an opportunity to do something haram, it’s difficult to not do it.
  All the while, it gets harder to leave the person.
  
  Reply
ZAI

May 13, 2014 at 12:26 PM

Agree w/ most of the points in the article.
Just disagree with this part:

“If something starts off wrong it doesn’t just become right with time.”

Not true. Plenty of Muslims have started off relationships that were wrong, but
have ended up in very happy marriages. To deny this and make it seem as though
only the totally arranged marriages lead to happiness is to deny reality for the sake
of ideology.

Many Muslims found someone in a less than ideal or even haraam way, but later on the spouses
both become more practicing and are in happy marriages regardless…Divorce and
unhappiness rate is about equal for both “arranged” and so-called “love” marriages.
Further, many non-Muslims have converted upon marriage to a Muslim, after a
relationship that didn’t start off halaal.

I’m not saying we should encourage the haraam here.
Just saying we shouldn’t make overreaching judgements. It just
denigrates people and we should never do that about people’s pasts…it drives
them away from the faith or prevents them from returning to it. I realize part
of the intent is to promote halaal “arranged” marriages, but this ain’t the way
to do it. Aside from insult to the people who didn’t do it that way themselves
feeling their marriage is being judged as never right…even after time…any kid
can see plenty of the non-arranged marriages are very, very, happy and successful
and therefore will see through the lie and that’ll make them start questioning
religious dictates….

Reply
- Bistrodrummer
  
  May 13, 2014 at 1:44 PM
  
  This article didn’t say anything about arranged marriages.
  
  Reply
  - ZAI
    
    May 13, 2014 at 2:57 PM
    
    ““If something starts off wrong it doesn’t just become right with time.”
    
    Implication is that only marriages that start out the halaal way, “arranged”, are ever right.
    
    Reply
    - therealshard
      
      May 14, 2014 at 11:48 AM
      
      another halaal way, in my humble opinion, would be going straight to the person’s parents instead on going on dates with them. or asking your mom/dad to talk to her/him. and then if both families are okay, we are pleased with their religion, accept their looks, vice versa then ok marriage time!
      
      and Allaah knows best
      
      Reply
- Aaminah
  
  August 4, 2014 at 5:40 AM
  
  MashaAllah Zai, you just said it all. True. Not everyone can be perfect or start off perfect. And Allah is the most merciful most forgiving.
  
  Reply
- Diana Fadel
  
  December 29, 2014 at 2:32 AM
  
  I quite agree with you. I’m not Muslim but I liked the article and found that I agreed with most of the points made except like you said, ” If something starts off wrong it doesn’t just become right over time.”
  
  Reply
Ehab Hassan

May 13, 2014 at 3:25 PM

JazakAllahu khairun for your thoughts ZAI. The line that you’re talking about is actually a saying and understanding of the scholars and is not my own. Some scholars use it as a basis for fiqhi rulings. The saying is:

مابني علي باطل فهو باطل

Whatever is founded on falsehood is falsehood (i.e. It doesn’t become justified after that).

And Allah knows best.

Reply
- ZAI
  
  May 13, 2014 at 3:31 PM
  
  I agree brother that it cannot be justified as ideal or halaal.
  I’m just saying we shouldn’t go the extra mile and say it cannot be RECTIFIED in
  the future or that it cannot lead to happy marriages wherein couple repents for
  the past, but is “right” in the present and future.
  
  Reply
Ehab Hassan

May 13, 2014 at 3:34 PM

And I am definitely not an advocate of arranged marriages by any stretch of the imagination. I’m not sure how/if I gave that impression. There are plenty of outlets for people to get to know each other in a wholesome environment (talk, hang out, get to know each other, ask questions, and see if they click). I strongly believe that there needs to be chemistry before marriage. The right environment for that must be observed – and only when the intention is purely for marriage.

Reply
- ZAI
  
  May 13, 2014 at 3:43 PM
  
  “The right environment for that must be observed – and only when the intention is purely for marriage.”
  
  Yes Brother, I agree…all of that would fall under halaal.
  I’m just saying, even people that do it in a haraam way that goes beyond
  even that great latitude…like straight out Western dating…They too
  can have happy marriages and later in life they can also become
  more religious and repent for the past.
  
  Perhaps maxin of haraam foundations is not so black and white in this case.
  Beyond two Muslims, as said earlier…a non-Muslim could’ve been brought
  into Islam. Is a person saying shahadah ever a bad thing?
  
  Reply
  - Bistrodrummer
    
    May 13, 2014 at 4:20 PM
    
    I don’t believe the “ends justifying the means” is an Islamic principle, although I could be wrong. The author is focusing on the means and is arguing that the means should be halal. The end could turn out great, but that’s not going to change something that is haram into halal.
    
    Reply
    - ZAI
      
      May 13, 2014 at 11:17 PM
      
      Yes, you’re absolutely right!
      I’m not saying anything outside the halaal should be promoted or
      lauded…just that the “ends” are not always bad, therefore the maxim that what starts bad always ENDS bad is not the case. Many people repent and things turn out fine. So yes, don’t promote the haraam…but let’s stop at that instead of making prognostications or very generalized statements. This is a complex matter. Allah’s forgiveness and mercy are vast and plenty of 2nd chances in this religion…including in marriages that might not have started out halaal!
      
      Reply
- adan
  
  December 30, 2016 at 3:16 PM
  
  Before marriage…if someone is 100% committed….like engaged …and then involved in message/call romantic or even sexual type relations…then is it right??
  Knowing the fact that u both will BE married after somtime….?
  
  Reply
Nihal

May 14, 2014 at 7:02 AM

Great article mA.

Reply
Hyde

May 14, 2014 at 11:53 AM

Tearfully I acknowledge all the points but will it can’t abide by them…love is love.

Reply
- Balooh
  
  May 15, 2014 at 7:08 PM
  
  Dear Hyde. Allah swt has blessed you with enough strength to overcome anything he puts in your way. There is nothing in our lives that Allah has not given us a solution for. Put your love into yourself and into your imaan, if it is to be, then Allah willing, nothing will stand in your way. Take the halal route or find the courage to let it go, Allah is sufficient for us, truly, may we be guided to remember it and truly believe it. Allowing ourselves to love in this way is nothing but self neglect and deluding ourselves. Our hearts, our families and above all our Rabb deserves more from us. May Allah keep us all on the path that leads to true contentment, there is only one true path to everlasting peace/happiness and that is keeping within the laws that have been set for us. The longer we engage in this, the more attached we become.
  
  May Allah help us all brothers and sisters, we all have the same nafs/desires when it comes to the opposite sex, it is incredibly easy to fall into the clutches of the shaytaan, who beautifies the haraam for us, the love which follows after a marriage will be much sweeter for us and don’t our spouses deserve from us to have unloved hearts, by the will of Allah our hearts are worth more than gold. May Allah save us and guide us indeed.
  
  Reply
  - Hyde
    
    May 15, 2014 at 8:39 PM
    
    i dunno thanks….baloo
    
    Reply
    - Aly Balagamwala
      
      May 18, 2014 at 2:25 AM
      
      Dear Hyde
      
      Something has changed in your tone in the comments here. What’s up bro?
      
      Aly
      
      *Comment above is posted in a personal capacity and may not reflect the official views of MuslimMatters or its staff*
      
      Reply
ADEL

May 15, 2014 at 1:47 PM

Interesting article. But im a little confused about what to do right now. You see, i started out (may Allah forgive me) being in a haram relationship entirely based on phone calls and text messages. But now this guy and I, we’re planning on getting our nikkah done soon because we realized what we’re doing is wrong. Should i stop talking to him, or focus on getting nikkahed to him ASAP? Will we be happy? Because even though our foundation was haram, our realization of late has made us better individuals. Keeping in mind that we must ask forgiveness from Allah first.

Reply
- ZAI
  
  May 15, 2014 at 2:40 PM
  
  ^
  ^
  ^
  ^
  Exactly the type of situation I was talking about!
  
  Get the Nikah done sister.
  If you’ve both decided you’re good for eachother and want to get married,
  then no reason to keep delaying it. I wish you success and hope it goes
  well for you both.
  
  Reply
  - Ehab Hassan
    
    May 15, 2014 at 6:09 PM
    
    JazakAllahu khaiun for the comments, and ZAI for showing me how a line from the article could come across. The comment about things not “just becoming right with time” means that it doesn’t just happen by itself with no effort. Allah always gives us opportunities to repent and hit the reset button, but it takes the right intention and effort on our part. The thing about something that doesn’t start on the right foundation not becoming right assumes that you are CONTINUING to build on that SAME foundation. The correct foundation should be based on the sincere intention for marriage and done with the correct manners and etiquette.
    
    If something starts wrong, by all means, stop it, repent, and try to do it right!
    
    ADEL, may Allah grant you what’s best and put blessings in what you do.
    
    Reply
- Hyde
  
  May 15, 2014 at 3:06 PM
  
  Are you in love ?
  
  Reply
Rana

May 15, 2014 at 2:47 PM

I totally agree with Zai. My relationship did not begin in a halal way, but now we are both practicing Muslims, have been married for almost 10 years, and have two kids. Is our marriage not halal because of its bad foundations? Do you suggest that we get divorced? What should we do to make it halal? Is asking Allah for forgiveness enough? (Which I’ve done plenty of times.) I’m not advocating for haram relationships, but I do not believe that beginning in sin is a death sentence that will always leave someone in sin, otherwise, what would be the point of my shahadah?

Otherwise, the article contains very good advice, not just for youth, but for all adults that may faulter and slip into temptation and sin.

Reply
- Aly Balagamwala
  
  May 26, 2014 at 8:14 AM
  
  This is very relevant as I know a lot of couples who may have started out the wrong way and somewhere down the road became practicing (or were practicing but just stumbled). Now they are happily married with kids.
  
  However, I did get this query once from a similar couple … how do we get over the guilt of our past sins. We have acknowledged that we were wrong, asked Allah for forgiveness, but still the remorse continues considering we can’t forget our past since it was OUR past and we are still US.
  
  This is a valid concern and may not be there for all couples but I am sure some element exists for such couples.
  
  Aly
  *Comment above is posted in a personal capacity and may not reflect the official views of MuslimMatters or its staff*
  
  Reply
Saeglopur

May 15, 2014 at 3:06 PM

Not really too different to Cosmo advice to ‘get over your man’, except where they would tell me to go out with my girlfriends, you suggest talking to God. (Which is good advice!)

Reply
How long?!

May 16, 2014 at 4:26 PM

As Salamu Alaikum,

For those who have been through such a situation, or dealt with those who have, can you let us know how long before we get over a person?

Jazak Allahu Khayran

Reply
- ZAI
  
  May 16, 2014 at 5:57 PM
  
  That is different from person to person. You won’t get a uniform answer
  Very generally though, if it was a close attachment…can expect for it to
  take a few months at least. Again, other factors like your personality, temperment,
  whether you successfully concentrate on other matters, have a good support
  structure of friends, family and colleagues will all play a role. Very generally,
  a few months atleast if it was a close attachment.
  
  Personally, it took me about a 6 months or so…emotionally.
  There might be some negative baggage that stays with you for good though.
  I was rejected by an Arab girls parents…so I will N-E-V-E-R try for intermarriage
  again. Will stick to my own Afghan community where I feel secure at my good
  odds.
  
  Reply
  - Ali
    
    May 20, 2014 at 1:20 AM
    
    Dear Zai,
    
    I am non Arab.
    
    I had a similar experience. I dont know why I felt so hurt and rejected. I learnt that it was because of false attachments. Anytime you are falsely attached to anyone and anything other than Allah, its no good.
    
    Allah helped me realize that I was obsessed with the girl and overly attached. Allah broke my attachment from people and things.
    
    In my mind, I had to marry an Arab girl, because I thought that if my kids learnt Arabic, they would be able to read the Quran and be better muslims.
    
    This, of course is an absurd idea. Thats how blind I was.
    
    Anytime you get too attached to anything and anyone in this dunya, you are going to lose it. Thats how Allah teaches us.
    
    Be detached from this dunya. This dunya is like being in transit for 24 hours at an airport.
    
    And never say never, for you never know what Allah has in store for you. Dont look at nationalities and pray that you marry someone who is good for your akhira, deen and dunya.
    
    Reply
Tawbah

May 16, 2014 at 9:13 PM

please make duaa for me to stay strong!!! inshallah i am in way and i am trying my best and i did all the steps you said … My situation is a bit hard and it involves a non muslim as well .. even if he was a muslim…. from now and on inshallah i will leave anything that upsets Allah and i will never get involved in such a thing. I will follow this article step by step inshallah. YARABBBB
تركت هذا من اجلك يارب اريد هذه الكلمات ان تشهد لي يوم القيامه ربي اغفرلي وارحمني….الحمد لله …كتبت هذه حتي اتذكرها ولاارجع … لحرام ابدا
Bismallah now I am starting my journey to Allah!!! Jazakom Allaho Khuraa
The email used here is the one i used to use, and my purpose here is i want these words to be the last thing using this email …

Reply
Bleank Dallas

May 16, 2014 at 10:45 PM

I’ve never been in denial about the things I do wrong or the wrong things I do. And I’ve never been one to let my pride get in the way of accepting a good advice. Whilst it is most probably the case that she would be fine without you, what if it is the rare case that she won’t be. Not emotionally, religiously. This is my reality. I don’t have any real interests in the relationship not nearly as much as the individual anyway. And the individual, in my own opinion, was always within arm reach of embracing everything wrong and I’ve been the only thing (other than Allah ofcourse) standing between her and that world for three years. Now I’ve reasoned that if I leave Allah will continue to be there to keep her on the right path. But practically, its also the case that Allah wouldn’t come down physically. Perhaps he’s already doing that particulay job through me. I just don’t know if I’ll ever be happy if I walk away, taking the easy way out in my own opinion, choosing to perfect my life but basically throwing her to the wolves. Will I be happy 6months later if I get news that she’s completely stopped covering her hair and is now a party girl. This is just another excuse is probably what most people are thinking now but what if its not. I just can’t take the risk. I think I’d rather stay with her, fated to struggle to barely manage to do enough to get into paradise than to strike out on my own, making an easy way for myself towards Allah but setting her on her path towards a gentle slide down.
It is still a very wonderful article though.

Reply
- Ali
  
  May 20, 2014 at 1:25 AM
  
  Dear Bleank Dallas,
  
  Dont fall into the trap of justifying our sins. She is playing the role of damsel in distress and you are attracted to that because you can be her savior. Perhaps you are both enabling each other
  
  What makes you think that if you leave, you would be “throwing her to the wolves”?
  
  That is your ego talking….making it seem that you are the only one who can “save” her.
  
  Dont let your concern for this girl, make you disobey Allah.
  
  Reply
  - Balooh
    
    May 26, 2014 at 10:52 AM
    
    Agree with you word for word! Too often we let our desires get the better of us.
    
    To brother Bleank Dallas. You are sincerely NOT the one to set her on the right path. Indeed you can guide her to the right path but only to a very certain extent, the road to righteousness is to be walked alone, the only ones who can support us are our families -non mehram cannot be of support, its like asking the devil to assist us in our good deeds, there’s no leeway between right and wrong on this occasion. Make dua for her and if you feel she really does need some assistance to stay on the right path, find her some support from an educated sister. There’s a good chance of you losing yourself (mentally and spiritually) if you continue with this.
    
    Hope I have not caused any offence.
    Balooh.
    
    Reply
ayandamt

May 17, 2014 at 1:46 AM

Great Article enuff said their is no other way but to surrender to the Al-Khaliq.

Reply
Pingback: Separuh Mei | Imajimatika
Pingback: Get Over It: 21 Ways to Say Goodbye to that Haram Relationship and Move on With Your Life | Love, Hope & Fear
Single Samosa

May 20, 2014 at 10:52 PM

There is a huge gap in this article, it’s like the elephant in the room that religious people hate talking about. But I’m now in my early 40s and I’ve played by all the rules, and it’s time we DID start talking about it.
I stated away from haram relationships. I did not make marriage/love/opposite sex the focus of my youth. So I concentrated on my studies, being obedient, finding a good job, making sure I did not transgress islamic boundaries. I was told that good Muslim girls allow their families to introduce them to eligible men when the time is right and to make dua until that time came. That time never came. My parents grew old, one health problem after another. I asked them point blank to help but they kept telling me to be patient, they would “ask around” but no one wanted to come forward.

So I have no alternatives. None whatsoever. But in the meantime other Muslim girls found ways to interact with the opposite sex, have relationships, and get married — happily. Same with the boys. In fact, they would have non Muslim girlfriends, and when the time came fir their marriage they would get married with great fanfare.

Immigration from a Muslim country to a non Muslim country is haram. There is nothing to justify it other than prosecution. But our patents insisted on it, knowing the options for marriage for their children, especially their daughters, was non-existent. When I ask religious people how to get married they think Allah SWT has bestowed the internet as a beautiful means of finding a spouse– because a good girl like me should be paying money to a website to sift through hundreds of charlatans who can barely speak English and don’t have citizenship. I am not a passport, sorry — nor will I ever accept immigration as a means of Muslim progress. Oh yeah, and Muslim girls over age 35 — soooo old, they MUST marry a nice 50-something because of course every girl dreams of being a young widow.

When I was almost 40 I met a nice, kind loving individual who was not Muslim but who wanted to marry me. Of course I had to reject him. What do you think, I’m now going to find a nice, kind living Muslim and have children? Of course not. I gave up that chance precisely because of everything written in this article, and as usual I have been left without a partner, without children, lonely, etc. At the time, and for years afterward, I prayed my guts out at every waking moment. Umm Salimah — well she was my heroine! But here I am 4years later, no husband, no children, fending for myself — and Muslims do not give a s–t.

That is a bitter pill to swallow. And I don’t know why you are not being frank with your readers and telling them that there are few options for Muslim women to get married where the parents are not social butterflies and have all sorts of connections. Other than the website matrimonial advertisements.

Reply
- Ali
  
  May 21, 2014 at 2:44 AM
  
  Dear Sister
  
  Wallahee I wish you what is best for your akhira, deen and dunya
  
  Its not too late. There are some good sites out there
  
  like http://www.halfourdeen,com
  
  They even have offline events
  
  http://www.halfourdeen.com/offline/
  
  and others sites exist too
  
  How about speaking to imams of local masjids. Some cities even arrange meetups for single Muslims
  
  Please don’t give up.
  
  Please don’t let your current situation turn you into a victim
  
  A change of attitude can go a long way to get you motivated to take action to get you closer to your goals
  
  I wish you success
  
  Not every guy online is looking for a passport….I know you have heard too many horror stories
  
  Even if a guy is looking to immigrate and leave behind their bad situation in their country, it doesnt mean they wont be loving and caring towards you
  
  And Allah knows best
  
  Reply
- Balooh
  
  May 26, 2014 at 11:13 AM
  
  My heart goes out to you Single Samosa. May Allah give you patience and bless you with a good husband, who will be worth the wait and more importantly become the coolness of your eyes.
  
  There are a couple of duas that may be of help.
  
  “Rabbana hab lana min azwajina wa dhuriyyatina qurrata A’yunin waj’alna lil-muttaqina imama.”
  
  “Our Lord! grant us in our mates and offspring the joy of our eyes and make us patterns for those who guard against evil.” (25:74)
  
  “Rabbi inni lemaa anzalta elayya min khairin faqeer” (28: 24)
  
  “Oh Allah! You have made every living thing in pairs. The sincere, beautiful and pious pair that you have created for me, please give it to me”
  
  The latter is the dua of Hazrat Musa Alayhisalaam.
  
  We tend to forget, Allah swt loves us 7 times more than our blessed mothers. Have certainty and trust in what Allah has decreed for you will be best for you.
  
  Umar (radi Allahu anhu) said: “I heard the Messenger of Allah (PBUH) say, ‘If you were to rely upon Allah with the reliance He is due, you would be given provision like the birds: They go out hungry in the morning and come back with full bellies in the evening.'” (Ibn Majah).
  
  We have such a short lifespan, in a few decades you and I will be both be gone from this world, may Allah not take us in an ungrateful state. Never give up hope sister. Allah ho akbar. Allah is the greatest Indeed!
  
  Reply
  - Balooh
    
    May 26, 2014 at 11:49 AM
    
    Also keep in mind the prayer of need, Salaatul Hajaat.
    
    Reply
    - Single Samosa
      
      May 26, 2014 at 12:16 PM
      
      Thank you for reminding me about dua and about the internet matchmaking websites. I am in my 40s, so I have been making these duas my entire life — it is not new information. Also, I have not “heard horror stories” about the online matchmaking — I have been on these sites for years, so I have experienced the unusual characters online first-hand.
      
      The question still remains — what can a muslim woman do on a practical level to find a husband. I think it is great that we can make dua. but that is a spiritual practice. Unless you can tell me some hard data that a woman in the west who makes dua WILL find a spouse, I can tell you that sitting in my house reading dua will not make a muslim husband magically appear on my front doorstep.
      
      I can only assume from your responses that I am right — Islam does not have resources (other than the Internet — which is NOT Islamic at all — and making dua) that allow a woman to find a husband. Basically, if she does not have family helping her, she is out of luck completely.
      
      I have asked this question over and over to religious people and their only answer is the internet and dua. I fail to see how an Arabic-speaking Imam who leads juma in the mosque can facilitate marriage — that has not happened in my city and it never will. The imams serve one purpose only which is to lead prayers.
      
      This then begs the question, given that I have asked religious people on how to find a husband, and they don’t give me any practical steps, and given that my family can’t help (even if they wanted to, my parents are way too old), am I permitted to pursue non-Islamic channels? I don’t see why not. Otherwise, I will be alone, trying to satisfy my needs by myself (and by “needs” I mean physical, financial, emotional, sexual, practical, health, labour, repairs to my house, dealing with auto mechanics, etc).
      
      Reply
      - Balooh
        
        May 26, 2014 at 1:42 PM
        
        Sister. Can I ask why you feel online muslim match making is such a bad idea? It can be done in an Islamic manner. I agree it is a rare thing and certainly majority of the people online are not very genuine but there are people who are genuine and serious about marriage who are stuck in the same situation. Perphaps its a case of being more persistent? I understand how frustrating it can be, but there are people you will meet and then realise how other people are not so different than yourself.
        
        Is there anyone in your family who can help? A close family friend? Do brothers and sisters in your community know you are looking? Around where I stay, there are people who offer help over the phone. Much like online, they take your details and offer numbers of suitable spouses.
        
        The thing about dua is its not magic nor is it advisable to assume I have made dua – it did not work – I will not try again. It’s all about patience and trust. I guess you are probably quite near the end of your tether and feel you are left but to feel that way. But Allah swt makes ways out of every situation for us.
        
        I am sorry I cannot offer more practical advice, I do hope someone comes along with a better solution than myself. May Allah help you find comfort and make life easy for you.
- Umar Adam
  
  February 6, 2015 at 5:39 AM
  
  Dear Sister,
  
  I do not think your situation is different from the lady that came to the prophet (SAW) asking him (SAW) to marry her, when eventually a sahaba, asked the prophet (SAW) that if he the Prophet (SAW) was not interested he the sahaba was interested My prayer for you other muslim brothers and sisters is that Allah SWT should answer your prayers and provide you with a loving and caring, God fearing and devoted partner, I pray also for those of us looking for the second, third nd fod forth, may Almighty Allah bestow on us righteous partners. Ameen
  
  Reply
Single Samosa

May 26, 2014 at 2:15 PM

I just think that muslim girls are not cheap advertisements, nor should we be paying someone to help us find husbands.

Online muslim matchmaking is a concept taken from the non-Islamic websites. I have been on the muslim websites for 8 years. LOTS of them — Shaadi, Muslimah, Single Muslim, Qiran, Isna, Halfyourdeen, etc. They are all the same. I have often wondered what is so Islamic about them. I am so tired of paying money all the time to these websites. I am not interested in marrying a boy who is 15 years younger than me who lives in a foreign country — these boys are so transparent, they just want immigration. I often can’t communicate in other languages either. Also, none of the website owners have vetted the men who subscribe –w hich leaves muslim women very very vulnerable. The entire concept of marriage in Islam is to provide protection to women. Why am I receiving emails from men who say things like “oooh Salam, I am so attracted to you ” and “oh your age don’t matter, bring me to your country” — it is really disgusting. So there is nothing Islamic about these sites.

If you have had 8 years of experience on multiple websites and your experience has been different, then please let me know.

There are no “telephone Islamic matchmakers’.

The prohibition against dating in Islam is based on protection. It is not to make things more restrictive or impossible. So, when someone decides to help a woman get married, that person will be doing so by screening the bad apples and instead introducing the girl to men who are known to be decent and a good match. It is not a blind-eye procedure, like grocery shopping. So the telephone marketing is very unusual – give someone your name, phone #, age, education, and boom a compatible match is found! What kind of Islamic process is that?

Most muslim girsl that I know are honourable and decent, myself included. Why would I want to pay money to someone, who will not sift through the bad apples for me but just send me “whoever”??? Girls who are chaste deserve far better than that.

And no, prayers are not answered eventually. A woman’s ability to have a child is not unlimited. I have prayed my entire life for a husband and baby — obviously, now that I am 43, I can’t have a baby, so it is clear that that dua has not and will not be answered.

Again, I am wondering why Muslims think that internet matchmaking for unmarried girls is an Islamic process. Is there a dignity to the process? Is there hadith that says it is perfectly halaal for an unmarried girl to pay someone to send pictures/profiles to her?

Reply
- Balooh
  
  May 26, 2014 at 2:45 PM
  
  I agree with you, without a doubt muslim girls are indeed not cheap advertisements at all. But I don’t necessarily think if you are on a matchmaking website you have been reduced to a ‘cheap advertisement’. You want a husband therefore you are taking the steps to find one? The way I see it.
  Also I do not think all websites charge, I am certain SingleMuslim do not charge for females. Even if they do, I do not think it should be considered a big deal as the society we live in, we are charged for everything these days, even death comes with a price. (The burial, etc).
  
  With all due respect, I wish you had not said that. Girls who are chaste deserve far better than that?! May Allah give goodness to ALL muslims, chaste or not, who are we to judge, good women are for good men, but we cannot judge who is good, Allah swt knows best.
  Sister, its the times we live in, we are unfortunately the products of broken societies. (Speaking for the majority). Generations ago, people would marry very close within communities and there were a lot more love between people. But everything has changed and we are forced to find partners in a not so ideal way.
  
  It can be done with dignity. Some people choose to initiate contact with men only through their brothers/fathers. I cannot see why it would not be halal if the lady was covered?
  
  Duas are all answered, either we receive what we wish for, we receive something better instead or we receive something better in the hereafter. Allah knows what is good for us. Honestly, if he keeps from us, it is a test and He is testing our patience and our subservience, We are but mere slaves, losing hope in dua is ungratefulness. If we are to stay single for a few more years, there must be some goodness in it.
  
  Reply
  - single samosa
    
    May 26, 2014 at 5:11 PM
    
    I wasn’t judging anyone – I was talking specifically about myself and other girls who have reached their 40s and remained chaste – we do not now want to be reduced to an advertisement on the internet. I disagree that paying money is harmless — it is not appropriate. I have bills to pay, I have to support myself, I can’t hand over money to websites, I just can’t.
    
    With due respect, I have tried on 8 websites for 8 years. I have received pictures of men with bare chests. I have been asked to send money to people so they can fly to my country and meet my parents. You are saying this is Islamic, whereas the police in my country are issuing media alerts to women using websites, warning them that predators abound. I have been on websites for years and years and despite your opinion, I speak from personal experience that they are not honourable. The day I received a picture of a nice muslim man in his underwear was the day I decided to stop.
    
    I feel, therefore, that I have made efforts in a circumstances that have challenged my very values. I never interacted with the opposite sex but since everyone said internet matchmaking websites were oh-so-Islamic, I gave it a good hard try for 8 years and at a huge financial cost to myself. I have even mentioned to my mother that perhaps the men in my family , if they are not going to help me, they can help with the financial cost of such matters, but they won’t do that.
    
    Reply
    - Balooh
      
      May 26, 2014 at 6:27 PM
      
      Appropriate and ideal it is not. But when there are not so many options then..?
      There are websites that offer services for free.
      I have to admit sadly, I have also been sent such filth! I have also received pictures of a man in his underwear on a matchmaking website. I blocked him straight away and thanked Allah for He saved me from someone terrible; always better to know what someone is truly like sooner rather than later.
      But on the other hand I do have to add I have met some true muslim gentlemen through matchmaking websites and who are respectful and will honour you.
      I am so sorry that you have such little help.. The men around you are not fulfilling their obligations.
      Really hoping someone comes along with better advice and helpful solutions.
      
      Will keep you in my duas, May Allah indeed be merciful.
      
      Reply
      - Single Samosa
        
        May 27, 2014 at 1:44 PM
        
        I think you have hit the nail on the head with your second sentence, “But when there are not so many options then..?”
        
        THAT was the point of my comment. Other than family doing some ardent networking for their adult daughter, a woman has no options. This article tells us to move on from haram relationships, focus on other things, etc, which is fine, but the reality is most of us crave a loving and intimate relationship and most women truly desire to have children. This article tells us what we are NOT supposed to do – it does not reassure us that as muslims living in non-muslim countries, we have many ways of finding a spouse.
        
        I have been asked this question repeatedly by my non-Muslim friends and colleagues. “How do you guys get married, find someone to settle down with?” And I really have no response. When I was in my 20s and early 30s, online matchmaking did not exist in those days. So, I used to just answer the question by saying that we get introduced to prospectives by our families. So then the question becomes, “Oh, so does YOUR family do that”….and the answer was usually no, or “rarely”, due to lack of resources, laziness, it was too much trouble, they were too old by the time I reached marriageable age, etc.
        
        So yes, I agree that muslim women have no options.
    - Amel
      
      May 28, 2014 at 4:30 AM
      
      As-salamu Alaykum, Single Samosa,
      
      I can understand why you would want to avoid matrimonial sites. They may work for some people, but there are certain risks involved, especially for women.
      
      My question to you would be: What kind of community do you live in? Do you have the opportunity to socialize with other Muslims in your area? Do you have Muslim friends (women) whom you regularly see and interact with? Are you active at the local masjid or Islamic center?
      
      Reply
      - Single Samosa
        
        May 31, 2014 at 5:02 PM
        
        I live in a North American city. There are Muslims. But the girls I grew up with are married and moved on. I try to keep in touch via email and text but they are super absorbed in their family and socialize with other couples with children — basically, by the time I was 35, the contact dwindled, as they became absorbed in babies and I had to worry about supporting myself financially and also taking card of my old, sick parents (and still do). I think that is a by-product of cultural norms passed on from immigrant parents — non-Muslims are a bit more open to socializing with older singles, but I have to draw the line on that because they often drink socially. There is no islamic centre where I live nor was there an islamic centre when I was in my 20s and 30s. I think you are visualizing a large Muslim epic centre similar to what you will find in San Francisco, New York, etc — large US metropolitan cities where even 20 years ago youth were encouraged to meet and mingle. Here, the mosque is available for prayer times but women rarely go. But I’ve never heard of any older Muslim women getting married through a mosque. I know in the UK there are mosques that serve that function, but not here.
        
        I have asked many many imams and scholars about this issue and they have all unanimously agreed that there are no channels for Muslim women to get married outside of parents setting them up.
        
        My only option is to find a non-Muslim man, and hope he converts, but to do that I would have to have a conventional relationship with him which would involve pre-marital sex. That is not something that appeals to me, but living alone without anyone who cares about me or about my well-being is tough. I’ve done it for 43 years and can honestly say it does not get easier. You try to convince yourself that it is normal due to religion, but it gets harder to justify as time goes on.
        
        Long story short: attraction and desire to be with the opposite sex is normal. It is not “shaitan whispering in your ear”. If parents choose to immigrate to a non Muslim country then they must bend over backwards to ensure that we have opportunities to fulfill our own hopes, dreams and desires for a husband, intimacy and family.
      - Razan
        
        June 24, 2014 at 8:25 AM
        
        Single Samosa – that’s really hard. :( I’m sorry to hear about your troubles. However I don’t think that a relationship with a non-Muslim is the answer – it would just give you more heartache in the long run, especially if you had to deal with living with a man who isn’t really convinced of the beliefs and lifestyle that you’ve obviously sacrificed so much for over your life.
        
        Please don’t give up. As impossible as it sounds, I have known other Muslim women in your position who DID get married. You should come to the forum jannah.org (I’m a member, it’s an Islamic forum) and ask for help, a lot of the women there are tough cookies who could help you out.
Balooh

May 26, 2014 at 6:38 PM

Salaam to the moderators. Can I ask, how do I edit my posts? I am rather new here and I am quite unsure how to..lol.

Jazakallah :-)

Reply
Mrs. Hamid

June 24, 2014 at 4:26 AM

Salams dear sisters and brothers,
Let me share my experience… i feel the foundation of every relationship is a test, including haram and halaal ones.

I was in a haraam relationship few years ago… it was an emotionally abusive one with a kafir, yet i could not bring myself to give it up. I contemplated suicide many times but my fear of Allah kept me from doing so. It came to a point where, close to my father’s demise and my mum being seriously ill at the same time, the relationship got very sour as he was not understanding at all. (Alhamdulillah it was a good sign) because i went cold turkey, i decided im not going to deal with this anymore and instead devote my prayers to Allah and look after my parents. Alhamdulillah when i made up my mind to do so, all emotions for that person died almost instantly. I guess my Thakwa was renewed and i found hope again in Allah. Few weeks later my father passed away and it devastated me that i wanted to give up again. but Alhamdulillah, Allah is ever so merciful and understanding, he sent a man who renewed my faith in relationships and supported me through my mourning. He is my husband now and Alhamdulillah I cant imagine life before Allah opened my eyes. it was like an epiphany.

The key is to prioritize who is more important, Allah or somebody else, Once you have passed His test and accepted that Islam is your path of life and commit to it, everything will fall into place.

may Allah grant us guidance and Sabr for those who are seeking help from the Almighty. Allah may not provide with what you want, but will give you what you need. Allah knows best!

Reply
- Balooh
  
  June 24, 2014 at 5:43 AM
  
  Oh sister thank you for sharing your story. Its always heartwarming to hear about returning to faith :-). N agree with you completely -the key is to prioritize who is more important. Its a sign of self respect to realise your worth to your creator n that you deserve better than to indulge in haraam. It devalues us mentally,spiritually n in some cases physically being in a haraam relationship. May Allah guide us all and keep us steadfast. Allah swt knows best n will give us good,but we must be prepared to control our nafs :-)
  May Allah reward you for being patient n grant your dad a place in Jannah :-)
  
  Reply
Adam

June 24, 2014 at 4:39 AM

I made a mistake. I wish I took a better approach but it was too late and she got engaged. Even though I saw this coming. It hurts a lot. And I wish I can easily move but I know this will take time for me. I am so scared of approaching my married friends about this. I am to scared they will not look at me the same agian. I am still a student. I am not ready for marriage yet I am still hurt. Sounds stupid but it just sucks that I let my self into this. This article did help me out but I feel so empty and lonely because I am scared to ask for anyone’s help. It is hard going at it alone.

Reply
- American Abaya
  
  July 15, 2014 at 6:34 PM
  
  Adam, you’re not alone at all. I <3 you, and Allah <3s you.
  
  Reply
Pingback: http://muslimmatters.org/2014/05/13/get-over-it-21-ways-to-say-goodbye-to-that-haram-relationship-and-move-on-with-your-life/ | midnight maestro
Pingback: Of the right thing to do is the hardest thing to do | Broken Phrases
Sarah

July 25, 2014 at 8:46 PM

Salaam I’m currently in a on off relationship, I love this person and want a future with him, but I’m not sure what he wants. When I try 2 address the topic he tries to put it off till later. My intebtikdf have always been to end up getting married to him, but what can I do, he’s leaving me hanging.. I need help I’m confused…

Reply
- Brother
  
  July 28, 2014 at 6:11 AM
  
  Waalakum Asalaam. Sister I was in the exact same position as you.
  
  I was in a haraam relationship 5 years ago (that seems like a long time ago but hear me out) and throughout the entire process I kept telling the sister to tell her parents and things used to always come up (even though they were legit things, they did come up which stopped the whole process moving forward), When families did finally meet I didn’t feel comfortable towards the end when halls were being booked as I felt that this showed me I wasn’t compatible with her and there were general signs that things shouldn’t go ahead.
  
  After I went cold turkey by trying to tell her that we were incompatible (again, I know, I should have known after 4 years of talking to her) I knew I had hurt her. That was not my intention. My intention, like yours, was to get married to her and that was clearly shown through the fact that I waited 4 and a half years and also met her family several times. What I am trying to say is that if he wanted to marry you he would get on with things. He would tell his parents, he would take charge and actually do something. The fact that he is not doing anything shows that he is not interested.
  
  I am not sure how long you know this person for but I am telling you now, it will be hard (it has been for me, extremely difficult) and it will only get better in time. I made my mistake which was to say no to her even though she wanted to get married to me. And now I’m not even sure if she has forgiven me. If she hasn’t then on Yawmal Qiyaama she may say I never forgave him and I want some of his good deeds and if I have no more good deeds left I will take some of her bad deeds. This is authentic and is in a hadeeth.
  
  My point is to get out of this relationship to avoid any circumstances where he can say that you did something and will not forgive you. I left the relationship, even though it was then becoming halaal through parents meeting etc, because it started off haraam. Even though we didn’t commit zina I am ashamed of the things we did. This was because this so called “infatuation” was there. So please do yourself a favour and don’t fall into this. You may say “Oh, but I won’t do any of that” and that’s what I said. And I had a strong resolve. Now I cry and it aches me, not because I didn’t marry her, but because of the heartbreak and pain I caused her and her parents.
  
  Save yourself from all this and go about it the proper halaal way. Go through parents. Either let your parents find someone with your criteria or ask friends if they know someone with your criteria and then give a number straight away to your mum to call his mum. I’m telling you now I don’t want anyone to go through what I am going through. It’s emotional torture. But if you leave something for the sake of Allah, Allah will give you something greater. The only thing I am worried about is that she hasn’t forgiven me and that scares me.
  
  “Whoever has wronged his brother with regard to his honour or something, let him ask him for forgiveness before the time when there will be neither dinar nor dirham, and if he has any good deeds it will be taken from him in proportion to the wrong he did, and if he does not have any good deeds (hasanaat), some of the other person’s evil deeds (sayi’aat) will be taken and given to him to bear.” (Reported by al-Bukhaari, 2296).
  
  I hope this has helped you in some way and I hope, insha’Allah, you make the right decision.
  
  P.S: It may seem difficult and at times impossible but you have to take that first step and know that when you do it won’t be easy and you have to stay strong. If you are not strong you will go back to it again with him. Throughout the whole thing stay strong and explain to him why and then leave it.
  
  Reply
sanam

August 22, 2014 at 8:21 AM

aslam walikum,
I am a 22 years old, being stuck in a wrong relationship. I met a guy 3 years back. I fell in love with him but by passing of time I found out that hez a married man and he tried his level best to hide this. When I knew that he was married it was very late for me to take a decision. I had physical relationship with him for which I think Allah will never forgive me. After 2 years of our relationship now his younger brother fell in love with me and he wants to do nikah. My question to all brothers and sisters over there is if any one has got anything to tell me if I am doing the right thing to do nikah to his brother?

Thank you

Reply
- Myera
  
  August 4, 2016 at 9:37 PM
  
  Does his younger brother know about your relationship with the guy? I don’t think so. If you don’t completely cut him off you will never get over him. You will see him at family meetings, etc etc. There will always be a guilt. If you want to move on and come back to the deen, you need to get these people out of your life. It’s unfortunate that the younger brother got involved, but it is not fair to him if you marry him.
  
  Reply
aliqa

September 1, 2014 at 8:40 AM

A brother, who I know through mutual friends, showed interest for the soul purpose of marriage and spoke to his parents before he approached me. I come from somewhat difficult family situation and wanted him to know exactly what he was getting himself into before he decided on marrying me. So, we met in presence of other people to discuss few important matters and which later led to texting and rare phone conversations, all discussing important stuff but ones that led to intense emotional attachment (It all stems from the ‘idea’ that someone or something is perfect for you, so you want it under any condition, especially because what you are asking for is a halal thing)

I spoke to my mother about him and she was happy and willing as we already know the family to some extent. Now, his family already knew about me and know that he wants to marry me but want to take their time, especially his mother (I suppose it originates from emotional attachment to your son). They want him to cut all contact with me and they’ll pursue the matter in their own time, which is partly right, but not entirely fair as they’re unnecessarily delaying a halal thing.

I have two options, one, to cut off all ties and wait for him to sort things out with his family and this way at least I know that if he wants it badly enough, he will make it happen.
Secondly, to cut off ties and move on and never think about him and start considering other Rishtas.

I also, on the other hand feel, that this brother did all he could in his capacity to do this in the right way and in fact spoke to his parents before he told me and his parents aren’t refusing him to marry me but are saying that they want to take their time.

Reply
- Naz
  
  October 14, 2014 at 2:42 AM
  
  Assalamalaikum Sister,
  
  I feel really bad that you are stuck in such a tough situation. I know its an old post, so im not sure if your issue was resolved or not. But, if it wasnt, my most humble and sincere advice to you, dear sister, is plzzzzzzzz do Istikhara. It will prevent you from making a bad choice. If it is good for you then mabrook. and if it is not then at least years from now you will be thankful that you thought twice before making a bad choice.
  
  ALLAH s.w.t the one who created you and fashioned you with his hands, in whose hand is your soul. The creator and knower of everything. HE LOVES YOU AND WANTS WHATS ABSOLUTELY BEST FOR YOU. Put your trust and hope in him, no matter what his decision or the outcome, he will NEVER steer you wrong. Is the one who has taken care of you all along ever going to hurt you?
  
  ABSOLUTELY NOT. Do istikhara with a clear heart and mind, knowing ALLAH s.w.t knows everything and he will guide you to what is best.
  
  I did it for a rishta who seemed like a nice guy from a nice family…hmmmmmmm looks can be deceiving. Neither the guy nor his family were as they seemed. Not trying to scare you, but doing istikhara saved me and brought the truth out.
  
  Good luck to you, let me know how things go, and ur in my duas.
  
  Take care <3
  
  Reply
  - Naz
    
    October 14, 2014 at 2:46 AM
    
    link on how to do istikhara. http://theislamicworkplace.com/2006/12/25/before-any-major-decision-pray-salat-ul-istikhara/
    
    Reply
  - aliqa
    
    October 27, 2014 at 11:24 AM
    
    Jzk for replying sister! I have repeatedly done Istikhara however haven’t still come to any conclusion. May be this is Allah’s decree. I’m everyday battling to end any emotional attachment from my side as I know the odds are against us for marrying. In past, whenever I have done istikhara, Allah has directed me to right path and helped me make the right decision. I feel like maybe I’m doing something wrong or maybe I’m letting my emotions cloud my judgment.
    
    Reply
Someone

September 24, 2014 at 10:06 AM

I don’t understand why dreaminga bout marriage is wrong. Better than dreaming about a boyfriend.

Reply
- Single Samosa
  
  November 5, 2014 at 10:49 PM
  
  It’s not wrong. It’s healthy and normal. But if you fantasize about sex, marriage and motherhood, you may have a hard time accepting it if they don’t happen.
  
  Reply
Vhe

October 7, 2014 at 10:51 PM

nice post, i have another problem but it similiar with this post.
i never have love relationship with any guy, but last year i met with a guy from internet and he added me as his friend and then we talk a lot times and we are being so close, i start to love him. But i don’t want to be caught by shaytan’s trap, so i blocked him. And i stop to talking with him even i’m still love him. Am i right with did this to him? Or am wrong with blocking him because Prophet MUHAMMAD SAW said: لاَ يَدْخُلُ الْجَنَّةَ قَاطِعٌ ( It will not enter Paradise who decide silaturrahim ) ? What supposed i do?

Reply
- Naz
  
  October 14, 2014 at 2:26 AM
  
  Assalamalaikum Vhe, you did the right thing. I think what Prophet s.a.w referred to was halal relationships such as family members, relatives, people of the same gender, not non-mahram. It is best to keep distance, to avoid shaytaan’s trap. I know it is very hard, but think of the fruit of your sacrifice. IA! ALLAH s.w.t will bless you with an amazing spouse and family iA! Never do we leave something for the sake of ALLAH s.w.t, but he replaces it with something wayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy better.
  
  Trust me these friendships lead to nothing but heartache, jealousy and despair. It’s still early in the friendship where it is easy for you to let him go, it will hurt now but it will hurt much worse if you continue being friends.
  
  Male/female friendships are tempting and seem comforting but they hurt like a beast later on, which is why ALLAH s.w.t told us to stay away from them. Hang out with ur female friends and strengthen ur relationship with ALLAH s.w.t to fill the void. Good luck, ur in my duas IA!
  
  take care and loads of hugs, good luck and well wishes. you can do it sis <3
  
  Reply
Vhe

October 15, 2014 at 7:22 AM

w alaykumsalam. thanks so much i feel relieved now alhamdulillah ^^
Aamiin. may Allah bless u.

Reply
ibrahim

October 20, 2014 at 2:30 AM

alhamdulilah bro u said it all happy now lust,love infactuation probblem of the youths nowadays no wonder they said after GOD fear women(very difficult to understand creatures) may ALLAH ease each and every-one of us affairs and make nikkah easy fo the single ones among us.

Reply
Naz

November 5, 2014 at 12:57 PM

@Aliqa, Sorry for the late response, it just struck me to see how things were going with you. So I checked up on this article. Im extremely sorry to hear that things havent been resolved. I know how heartwrenching that is, and my heart goes out to you.

My personal experience with Istikhara and the advice given to me my friends and from learning about Istikhara is, the answer doesnt always come in a dream or a sign. If things are made difficult between you and that person-numerous obstacles, conflicts, issues, fights, etc. THAT IS AN ANSWER TO YOUR ISTIKHARA!!!

In the istikhara dua we ask Oh ALLAH s.w.t you are the knower of the seen and unseen and all matters are in your hand, if by your knowledge this action such as marrying so and so, is good for me in your knowledge and good for me in my deen, dunya and akhirah or present and later life, then make it easy for me and bless me in it. And if this decision is NOT good for me in my deen, dunya, akhirah, or present and later life then take it away from me and take me away from it, and bless me wherever blessings may be.

So the truth of the matter is, ALLAH s.w.t perhaps doesnt think this man is good for you, so you have to look deep within yourself and detach from him. I know its not an easy task. I’ve been here numerous, and each time you detach and leave someone for ALLAH s.w.t, it gets a little easier. Over time, the attachment chips away.

I left someone for the sake of ALLAH s.w.t because I knew it wasnt going anywhere, I remembered that something that starts off wrong doesnt end up becoming right over time and a bad seed doesnt sprout a beautiful blossom. I wanted barkat in my marriage and I wanted the best man for me. So I left the matter in ALLAH s.w.t’s hands. I sacrificed my desires for ALLAH s.w.t’s sake.

Because isnt the one who created and fashioned me from his own hands, blessed me, guided me, loved me, protected and sustained me, would he ever lead me wrong? Would he ever hurt me or put me in a difficult situation like the creation? ABSOLUTELY NOT.

It was one of the most difficult situations to do, but I did it. I followed the advice of this article, and prayed to ALLAH s.w.t ALOT for help. After making my decision, I got a job after MONTHS of searching. And, ALHAMDULLILAH, my life is soooooo much more peaceful and stress-free.

Im happier, and there is more barkat in my life. ALLAH s.w.t has caused so much ease and brought rishtas in my life. Who else but ALLAH s.w.t can help.

Please read this article by Yasmin Mogahed, it helped me as well. http://www.yasminmogahed.com/2012/06/21/removing-the-intruder-on-treating-love-addictions/

Lots of love and hugs, and ill especially keep you in my duas. From one sister to another and from one bleeding heart to another. The pain may be real and raw and hurt more than anything, but believe me I speak from depth, honesty and experience. It does get better. And, yes time does heal all wounds. And you may think im lying but YOU WILL GET OVER HIM.

One day you will make the firm decision to walk away and better your life and move on. You will probably run into him somewhere with his family, and you wont see him and feel hate or bitterness. You will probably be happy for him and smile and walk on.

And, deep within your heart, you will say a resounding and heartfelt ALHAMDULLILAH, that you didnt marry him. Because you are SOOOOOOOOO Happy and blessed to be married to the man you are married to. Plus, you will find out much later in time, that it was a blessing in disguise you didnt marry him, because you wouldnt be able to put up with half the stuff his wife puts up with, or the difficulties imposed on her.

How do I know this will happen, well my dear, I’ve been there.

Take care of urself, keep praying n ill be praying for u as well =)

Reply
- Single Samosa
  
  November 5, 2014 at 10:47 PM
  
  Naz, this is very misleading:
  
  “And, deep within your heart, you will say a resounding and heartfelt ALHAMDULLILAH, that you didnt marry him. Because you are SOOOOOOOOO Happy and blessed to be married to the man you are married to”.
  
  I think it is wrong to tell girls that by rejecting someone for the sake of Allah, we WILL get married to someone else. That is simply not true. I have never had opportunities for marriage. The article states that we should seek halal methods of finding a spouse but when I ask around as to what those methods are, the quick response is online dating websites.
  
  You have to be prepared to be single and childless if you want to say goodbye to someone who cares about you. Because Muslim women don’t date to contact strange men, our opportunities are limited. So yes stay away from friendships with the opposite sex, but also be prepared to sit alone at home for the rest if your life.
  
  Reply
Naz

November 5, 2014 at 12:58 PM

@Vhe, thank you soooo much. JAZAKALLAH KHAIR! Glad u feel better, will continue to remember u in my duas as well =)

Reply
Naz

November 9, 2014 at 9:37 PM

@SingleSamosa. I personally dont think that is the right attitude to have. I know you have been through a lot, as I have read above. But, dont allow the bitterness of certain situations make you lose ALL hope. I’m not GOD, so I personally cant say when the right person will come in each person’s life.

But, I will say I 110% believe in what I said, because I have seen it with my own eyes, that when we leave someone for ALLAH s.w.t’s sake, you will find someone wayyyyyyyy better.

Trust me im not trying to be preachy but ALLAH s.w.t says, I am as my servant thinks of me. So if we think negatively of GOD, we will never find anyone. Yet, if we have a positive opinion of him and think well of him, he will help us.

I personally know of 2 women, one was blind, the other partially deaf, they both got married TO AMAZING MEN. Im pretty sure, you have been endowed with all of your faculties and vision, hearing, speech, etc. So then why do you feel so hopeless and bitter. No one has had an amazing past or plenty of admirers. But, that doesnt mean you give up hope, exude a positive attitude, dont give up on prayer, and remember marriage is give and take. There is no perfect man out there.

My dua is that you believe in miracles and the power of duas and you find a man who makes you love and believe in ALLAH s.w.t again. I say this because I know my ALLAH s.w.t doesnt leave anyone empty handed, and he will bless you with such an amazing, amazing, amazing man, that you will be awed by ALLAH s.w.t’s miracles and powers.

He is greater than us and our limited minds, knowledge and thoughts. He can make the impossible POSSIBLE, DONT STOP BELIEVING =)

Reply
- Single Samosa
  
  November 11, 2014 at 4:00 PM
  
  sister Naz, it is not necessarily about attitude. You are missing my point – my point was that the practical realities are such that muslim girls have a very difficult time to get married, and after a certain age their opportunities are almost zero. Giving someone up for the sake of Allah may bring blessings in paradise but the practical opportuntiies do not magically open up. We’re talking about a huge demographic (i.e. more muslim men) and attitudinal (girls 35+ are attractive) change that will not happen in our lifetime.
  
  Yes, as part of our faith we must believe in Allah’s miracles. Miracles were bestowed on the Holy Prophets of Islam.
  
  I think also you are likely very young. I’m in my 40s and I’ve always believed that with dua I will have a family of my own, a loving husband and children. My family of origin (parents) was not very happy so I thought I would get my happy family as an adult. So, here I am in my mid-40s and I have made dua all my adult life, thought good of Allah all my adult life, and I am alone all my adult life, no family that loves me and a very stressful financial situation. So there you are. You may have had a good outcome, but I did not. I will probably never have children now – it is biologically impossible. I don’t have anyone helping me find a husband, and that has been the case for years – despite my dua.
  
  It is not about magic sister. Its not about having the attitude and poof! it all comes true! I rejected someone for the sake of Allah but I had never had male attention before, or after. It has been years and despite all my dua no one better ever materialized. My childbearing years went by. So please don’t tell me that it is all about to happen. You can be naïve because you got everything you asked for. But for most women it does not work out that way.
  
  Reply
- Khoirunnisa
  
  May 30, 2016 at 2:41 AM
  
  Dear sister Naz,
  I read your comments above and i found you very mature and wise MashaAllah… may I know your email so that I can contact you.? I have something to consult, it is my story and is related to this article.
  
  Reply
A fellow sister

November 11, 2014 at 11:19 PM

Single Samosa…I am almost in tears after reading all your posts. Its because I know, first hand, that everything you’re saying is true. I have a sister, who just turned 28 and is trying to get married. I know what you’re thinking-28?? Come on, she’s got so much time.” Unfortunately, this is our situation. My mother and father got married young. My mother is a Latino convert from Nicaragua who married my Lebanese father at twenty in 80s America. This is what happened. My father was at first a pretty decent man who was dedicated to Islam. But then he took my mother to America, Canada, Saudi Arabia, Lebanon, had her wait for him for two years while he was in prison( for having given an Islamic khilafah type speech that was against the government I believe) she listened to him, she was as dedicated to his islamic organization as he was. She had my sister. My sister had a a rough childhood. She lived in Canada for the first thirteen or so years of life then moved to Lebanon. She hated it there. Friendships were few, far in between and many times superficial. My father abused my mother horribly. I remember I was a kid of five,six,seven, hiding in the closet when he screamed at her, then my sister would come and fetch me when they were done. I remember my brother,sister and I sitting on the couch while I was crying because my father was screaming at my mother, and they were stroking me while I cried and my father raged and literally shoved his foot in my mothers face. This isn’t the sob story of my life-I’m actually a really happy person hamdilillah. It’s about my sister, kids bounce back quick but she was a teenager and her relationship with my father was pretty bad. So one day my mom has had enough, she wanted to divorce my father but she was totally alone in an Arab country, no relatives and no connections, she went to sheikh after sheikh who all told her the same thing: “fear Allah. Don’t divorce your husband. Listen to him always. The throne of Allah shakes with divorce” for years and years.Then one day, she literally smuggled me and my brother out of the country through the syrian border check. My sister had to stay behind to finish university and four people would have been harder to escape. So we went to canada, we stayed in a homeless shelter while my sister stayed in Lebanon and had to deal with all my fathers $&!”$-pardon me. Eventually she joined us, after also escaping because my father didn’t want to let her go(note he remarried less than six months after we left) and here we are in Seattle. This was all six years ago and wallahi we are very happy. But my sister is the breadwinner of this family. She’s a pharmacist and she alone supports me, my mom, my brother fresh out of college, and my disabled non English speaking depressed eighty something Latina grandma. She slaves away to feed us. She never asks my dad for money. She doesn’t have time and she is getting too old to form friendships easily. My mom is the same. Always busy, never time for friends,and I hate to say this but emotionally unstable with a horrible temper from what my dad out her through, my older brothers with their own wives and families moved to the Middle East-why? To please my father who says no good muslim will live in the west. My mom has next to zero social connections. My sister has next to zero social connections, I am the social butterfly of my family and in sorry but my fifteen year old girlfriends can’t find my sister a husband. “Be patient,make dua, fear Allah.” Very good advice, but still. The years are passing by. Muslims think you’re not young anymore when you hit 25 or 26. She’s already “old”. She’s gotten recommendations of 40 plus balding guys with potbellies. My father announced in an email that he washes his hands of finding her a husband, people on he community don’t know us well enough and my brothers are busy fighting their own battles. Time is passing. One day my sister will hit the magical number 30, and if she’s not married, doing so gets a lot harder for her then. She can’t just marry any guy and forget about us. We would literally be in the streets. But when she meets a guy-Can I work part time to support my family? No. Forget it. Women working out of the home.NO. They’re all the same. Either super strict who want my sister to be the dutiful wife sitting at home doing nothing else , or they’re playboys with female coworker friends who want to split the expenses fifty fifty and barely pray their prayers. Actually, they’ll barely take a hijabi.
So this is how it is. My sister, her youth and her time and her prospects for marriage being taken away from her one by one, in a position my father put her in. I’m scared what happened to you will happen to her.

Reply
- Single Samosa
  
  November 12, 2014 at 12:34 PM
  
  Maybe your sister wil end up like me. I guess my question is, to what extent is she trying to help herself, and, are you helping her? Why don’t you get a part-time job to ease the financial burden? It seems you are content to rely on her hard work. Have yiu encouraged her to check out “muslim matrimonial websites”? They are expensive but if you got a part-time job you could help pay for them. Your sister is also quite young so she has about 15 childbearing years left. There were no matrimonial websites when I was in my 20s, and I could not afford my own computer until a few years ago, so I didn’t really start on the website thing until I was in my late 30s, and you know what type of older men are on those sites (makes me sick to my stomach when I think of all the bad apples out there).
  I never had anyone helping me.
  But I think your story points to the huge gaps in opportunities for muslim women. It is not so easy to say “oh the muslim family makes introductions to suitable Muslim men, so the single Muslim girl never has to worry”. That is a utopia. If girls with limited resources do not go out and meet men on their own, they will never get married.
  
  Reply
A fellow sister

November 11, 2014 at 11:24 PM

But then I didn’t write just to put you up as an example of a sob story. I just want to tell you I understand and wallahi you have every right to be bitter. But one thing. I know, I know, I know you are done with websites. But please, try half our deen again. Maybe you did your 8 yrs worth ages ago..idk but my sister has found some real matches there. Near perfect matches. The only thing is, she’s rather picky and emotional sometimes. We both get that streak from our mother I think.but in saying…it might work. Make more dua. Please sister, I don’t want to stop hoping even if you have. For good reason I might add. But I swear I am going to make sincere dua for you every day, guaranteed, here in Seattle after thuhr prayer. It’s a promise. My heart goes out to you.
May Allah bless you and ease your every pain!!

Reply
faria

November 20, 2014 at 5:20 AM

wow ! amazing article indeed! i wish i had come across this 3 years back . sigh! but its never to late .
21 to the point tips ! jazakallah khair

Reply
- Shahzia
  
  January 8, 2015 at 5:03 AM
  
  I wish I seen this too three years back….it still hurts so bad
  
  Reply
wisechiko

November 21, 2014 at 6:42 AM

Ya Allah, Ya Rabb, Ya Mujeeb, Ya Azizoul Hakeem, Ya Jabbaar, Ya Mutakkabeer, Zul jalaalee wal Ekram,… assist our sisters in Islam wherever they are and grant them what is best for them in this dunyaa and the Hereafter. Ameen ya Rabbal alameen !

Reply
Hopeless guy

November 25, 2014 at 5:32 PM

well….doesn’t this make me feel hopeless…….

Feels like we’re setting an unrealistic standard. After this I don’t know how it’s possible for me to meet anyone! Anyone Muslim i.e…..

Reply
Miss H_M188

November 30, 2014 at 7:53 PM

I agree completely with the points, its difficult, oh gosh its insanely hard to let go but when all odds are against you, you know that this relationship will not result in marriage for any reason then there’s no point in wasting each others time, waiting and ‘hoping’ that it MIGHT happen.

Its best to stop everything, pray to Allah and ask for this person to be in your life, if he/she is best for you, if Allah wills, NOTHING can stop it from happening.

Reply
White stripes

December 4, 2014 at 11:25 AM

Bismillaah

Assalaamu alaykum

Thanks so much for this post.

I like the supportive and encouraging tone.

May Allah reward you according to the best of your intentions amin!

Reply
Peter Spahn

December 5, 2014 at 12:36 AM

In general I agree. Since long I study Quran in german Translation and the right way to perform du`a. I am a german convertit living in gemany and we lack this kind of articles. It happened to me this year many times to meet the wrong woman to marry.. To stop and end the relationship Cold turkey has prooved to be always the best. Then I turned to Allah and asked him for someone better. Otherwise I would leave my self-respect.
I think most women here do not have any iman , this is why a lot of relationships end up in dissapointment. I live in Berlin, I love the City but there are a lot of atheists and pro forma christians here, also in the muslim community there is a great lack of islamic knowledge.
The Problem here is a very great insecurity in Jobs and affordable house, that is why a lot of women are dissapointing in behaviour, same as the men. But mainly I blame the bad relationships in a lack of iman and religious knowledge.
The discussion here in Germany about Islam is mainly abot terorism, whis has never been real Problem. It is a kind of brain-wash from our medias and politicians, corrupted as they are. Some christians believe that muslims have another god than the christians. This is our poor and ridiculous Level of public Information and discussion.

Reply
Anon

December 11, 2014 at 1:27 AM

One thing I can certainly add to this is what happens in the future if you dont get over that haram relationship. I heard about someone I knw that his wife of 5 years left him for someone she liked previous to marriage. So apparently she still kept in contact with him and turned to him during tough times and when she had rough patches in her marriage. The result, shes living with her parents and her husband is going to divorce her.

Is that what you really want your futures to look like? A marriage of 5 years down the drain for some good for nothing from the past????

If that didnt wake you up, let me tell you a VERY PERSONAL STORY. My dad and mom have been married for almost 30 years. My mom recently found out thru an anonymous letter that her suspicions were true. He RE-MARRIED. YUP, hes pretty old and he has three grown daughters and he re-married about 10 years ago and we found out now. Apparently he never got over his ex-fiancee. And, still kept in contact with her and married her.

It’s A VERY SICK REALITY WE MUST LIVE WITH. Im saying this not as an internet troll but as A WARNING. I DONT WANT ANYONE’S HOUSES BROKEN LIKE MINE. I dont want anyone to grow up with serious trust issues and having parents they cant rely on. No one wants to realize their father did that to their mother. I fear falling into the same sin. GOD FORBID!

Brothers and sisters, no matter how pious you think you are, Shaitaan will do a number on you, he will work on you bit by bit. He will make you think your sin is not so bad, he will make you a pro at hiding your sin.Then justifying your sin to yourself. Then when you least expect it, he will expose your sin to the world.

UNLESS YOU WANT TO DESTROY YOUR MARRIAGE, RUIN YOUR RESPECT AND REPUTATION AND DESTROY YOUR KIDS LIVES, PLZZZZZZZZZZZZ PLZZZZZZZZZ PLZZZZZZZZ FOR THE LOVE OF GOD. Give up that Haram relationship. I beg you. You have no idea how much impact a sin especially a haram relationship can take. It’s like slow poison, it slowly kills everything in sight.

You dont even realize the extent that my mom is suffering and we are suffering, I dont wish this upon anyone and I dont want anyone to ever go through this. I know this is a pretty extreme example, but it could happen to anyone. My dad would always tote his piety, well so much for that. No one is free from falling into fitnah, were all weak. MAY ALLAH S.W.T PROTECT US FROM FALLING INTO SIN, ESPECIALLY SUCH MAJOR ONES! AMEEN!

For those of you who possess even a small amount of sense, remember to be forewarned is to be forearmed. THIS COULD BE YOUR FUTURE!!! WAKE UP, FOR THE SAKE OF YOUR FUTURE SPOUSE AND KIDS, LEAVE THIS PERSON AND HARAM RELATIONSHIP. DO TAWBA AND MOVE ON!!!

Last words: you should only love the person who you are in a nikkah with. Any relationship outside of nikkah is worthless and will bring you so much pain. I love you all that’s why I opened up with my own life, I just hope it is of benefit iA!

Reply
unfortunate

February 11, 2015 at 2:32 AM

Too Late for Me
Have beautiful daughters, destroyed every thing by making wrong decision what call shaytan’s love emotions. Now have to suffer all life ….
Please youth don’t even come close to this trap of Love before marriage . It will destroy years of your forefathers hard work and if you are practicing Muslim then have to live a miserable and hell life in this world . Pleas stay away from Non Muslim relationship

Reply
- Anonymous
  
  March 15, 2015 at 4:53 AM
  
  If you don’t mind me asking, why do you say that you have to suffer now?
  
  Reply
Anonymous

March 15, 2015 at 4:51 AM

AOA. I am a woman between age 21-23 and am stuck in a situation where a guy( family member) has fallen in love with me and I have too. He has clearly expressed that he is serious about marriage, but I do not want to do anything the wrong way. We have not done anything wrong or physical contact, but we text. He is sure he wants to marry me but I am not entirely sure as I want my parents to be involved in the decision of what’s right for me. He cannot talk to his parents though because he is still very young and must wait for his other 2 siblings to at least get engaged or married as they are much older. He says he will definitely talk to his parents when the time is right because he is 100% sure about me. He believes that if we part ways now and return when time is right then things will break apart and it can be too late, as I can get proposals in that time, so he wants to continue to talk at least. He is just scared to lose me and doesn’t consider any non halal desires, but just wants to make sure I’m the one he marries. I am still unsure if he is right for me and care about my parents and my religion. We are from a respected family and do not want to do anything wrong. Please advise me on what I/we should do. JazakAllah.

Reply
- Ehab Hassan
  
  March 15, 2015 at 8:45 PM
  
  Sister, please do not allow someone to keep you hanging like that. You say that he’s clearly expressed that he is serious about marriage, but I don’t believe that that is as true as you’d like to believe. The only way for him to express he’s serious is to talk to the family and propose. Either both of you should take the proper steps for marriage right now or you should move on with your life without him. If you move on and things work out later on, then fine. But don’t ruin your future based on his “promise”. May Allah grant you a good, righteous husband.
  
  Reply
hurt and confused brother

March 25, 2015 at 1:23 PM

Salam alakom brothers and dear sister. I have just have gotten out of a haram relationship of 2 years.god forgive me as I got into this relationship not wanting to be with her as I knew alot of bad qualities. I don’t know if I was deep in lust. I gave up most of my freinds because there was alot of problems if I still hung out with them. She told me things that made think about this relationship everyday I could never believe her stories but I put up with them because I thought I loved her. She was my only freind but left me in the end and admitted to the stories that I had a feeling were lies I told her I would leave that behind but she told me she just can’t be with me because we had alot of problems with me not believing her. I know struggle but I know I ddon’t want to get

Reply
- hurt and confused brother
  
  March 25, 2015 at 1:27 PM
  
  Married to this sister but it really hurt how she just left me alone with no one to talk to. I sacrificed alot for her. She wasreally good to me but also there was alot of haram I this relrelationship. I’m 21 years of age and in a confused state as I don’t know what to do and am not in school now. There isalot more to this story but I ddon’t want to take up time
  
  Reply
  - M
    
    May 23, 2015 at 6:46 AM
    
    This is so hard, harder than I thought, but I have to admit that it’s getting easier as day goes by, its been two days. Its been 2 years 6 months being with him, we talked about marriage etc. What hurts most, is thinking that I won’t be the girl, I’ll see him with someone else and that hurts most. I feel as though I have shared so much with him, my soul my life everything. He said he loves me but now he says I feel nothing towards me but I think that’s a lie because he feels different when he sees me. I always wanted one man my whole life…I wanted a halal marriage :'( I find it hard not to talk to him even if its him pushing me away. WHat do I do?
    
    Reply
Anonymous

April 23, 2015 at 8:06 AM

wow.. ya amazing things i have just read… i am hindu guy and so proud to be that.. well what to do when one muslim girl propose you.. and leav after 13 months 28 days .. by saying that love is haram before marriage we were good friends before.. now she feels guilt on my pure love and dedication… why she left me… know hurting some one is not haram is islam.. n if it is so why did she propsed me.. for time pass. or to took a chance in love again as she was ditched by 3 guys already those 3 were muslims.. know each n every second i m dieng for her… so know will the geart allah punish her… tell me how hurtng someone is better thn loving some one… m not taking such things for granted i dnt want that if hurtng some one feelng the mighty may punish you.. i dnt want any punishmnt for her… well she always says tht allah always forgive… ohh then why she didnt wait till her marriag wid me.. she left me alone for cryng … i know how m feelng right now.. bt still if she is happy without me.. i m glad she left me… but what abt my emotions… my life is comedy i know.. its a matter of time… i dnt islam but i guess in every religion … no religion says that heyy der.. let hurt them… it wasnt by chance… we r wid each other from 2+1 years.. 2 yrs frndshp n 1 yr relationshp… may god bless her

Reply
Anonymous

April 23, 2015 at 4:57 PM

asalumaikam
i m a muslim
I love a boy but he rejected me
he insulted me but still i jave feelimg for him i want to forget him but it is difficult for me he ia totally different from me like im everything

Reply
Farooq

May 15, 2015 at 1:21 PM

MashaAllah ! Fantastic article.
Alhamdolillah I never had to face this problem but now I can guide many others around me by sharing the link to this article
May Allah bless you for this

Reply
annonymous

May 21, 2015 at 2:01 AM

what do you do if the boy is suicidal and evertime you leave and tell him you want to leave because you want to grow closer to allah, he threatens with suicide. he always states “if you leave i promise you i will kill myself” he has attempted suicide the last time i tried to break it off, i didn’t witness it but he said he had a knife with him he was also distraught over the phone… i need help i dont know what to do, i want to leave i have no feelings at all but he doesn’t understand every time i tell him he manipulates me with the suicide.
I’ve been praying for allah to give me a sign on what to do but it just gets worse and worse the boy becomes more suicidal..

Reply
- qoj
  
  May 27, 2015 at 6:58 AM
  
  You are not responsible for whatever he does.If you’re choosing to do the right thing by committing to halaal and he wants to commit a haraam(suicide) because of that, the Shuyookh say you have no hand in it. Most people who emotionally blackmail like this have no real intention to actually go ahead and kill themselves. You can tell his parents or some responsible elder about him.
  
  If he cannot allow you to grow spiritually and is guilt tripping you now, what will happen later? May Allah make it easy for you -Ameen.
  
  This is a Very ,very good article however music and movies are so strongly intertwined with haraam elements that suggesting a movie as a time filler ,is a bad mistake. It can create or open up the void again. May Allah grant us all taufeeq and hidayah- Ameen
  
  Reply
Pingback: Blurred Lines: Women, “Celebrity” Shaykhs, and Spiritual Abuse - MuslimMatters.org
Pingback: Muslim Matters: Celebrity Shaykhs & Spiritual Abuse » HEART Women & Girls
Pingback: BLURRED Lines: Women, “CELEBRITY” Shaykhs, & Spiritual Abuse — Jamiatul Ulama KZN
Dub87

May 31, 2015 at 7:50 AM

Thank you for this article. I have a question about the line: if something starts off wrong, it doesn’t just become right with time.
I was in a friendship with a young Muslim man that began to turn into a lustful situation. When we had the opportunity to act on our desires, he backed out and in turn we ended up having a conversation about religion as I was born Christian. He told me about his faith and how important it is to him. In turn I felt a pain I had never felt before. I’ve never felt like I had hurt someone and I spent the end of our conversation telling him I was sorry and that I wish I had known. He told me not to feel that way because he made his own decisions. One thing he said that stuck out to me was that I didn’t have the same level of conviction in my religion when I sin that he did. Since that night, I’ve held onto that. I feel like his presence in my life as well as other people I have encountered has bought me closer to Islam. It’s something I had begun to respect, but now I embrace it and am taking the steps to convert. Me and this young man do not converse anymore and he has begun a relationship with someone else, but I feel haunted and sad. I think about my actions and feel disgusted with myself and fear my past will affect my future. I wish I could tell him how his influence in my life has led me to the right path and how happy I feel now that I worship the one true God, but I know I secretly hope that he will see the good in me and want to make what was wrong right. I’ve decided to not reach out to him because of my desires, but should I one day tell him that I’ve converted? I know he would be first shocked and then happy, but for me I know it will bring back the feelings I have for him and if this is haram I’d rather not further hurt myself and distract him.

Reply
- Ehab Hassan
  
  June 1, 2015 at 9:19 AM
  
  Dub87, congratulations on your pathway to Islam. May Allah give you peace and ease in your journey as you learn more about it and make your decision! The good news is that once someone accepts Islam, they have a clean slate and all of their past sins are forgiven. And the beautiful part about it is that your journey has nothing to do with your feelings for an individual, but rather your relationship with God.
  
  My only concern with the brother you were friends with before is that he has started a relationship with someone else. I don’t know the details, but I would suggest that you submit a question through “What’s the Matter?” under the Contact link above with some more information, so someone more qualified can share their thoughts.
  
  May Allah always keep you in His protection, and grant you happiness and satisfaction with everything that happens!
  
  Reply
- Sarah
  
  July 16, 2016 at 2:30 AM
  
  Nutter.. You’re brainwashed
  
  Reply
RASHEED

August 19, 2015 at 7:14 AM

I ONLY WAN TO SAY THAT,
IF SHE LOVES U SO DAMN MUCH… AND HOW CAN U SAY HER THAT **LEAVE ME** **ITS NOT RIGHT**

YOU CAN NEVER IMAGINE THE HURT SHE’LL GET FROM THIS STATEMENT :'(

IS HURTING PEOPLE GOOD???

I AM VERY MUCH CONFUSED :'(

Reply
- bruh
  
  August 21, 2015 at 12:27 AM
  
  OI HEAR ME OUT.
  NO ITS HORRENDOUS HURTING HER FEELINGS BUT INSHALLAH SHE’LL BECOME SO HURT AND VULNERABLE THAT SHELL TURN TO ALLAH,
  Which is most likely to help you both. ‘Love’ with someone doesn’t always last, Love with Allah does, just try explaining. If not goodluck bruh ._./
  
  Reply
bruh

August 21, 2015 at 12:24 AM

This was exactly what I needed, Jazak’allah!
I just hope it works.

Reply
abc

August 21, 2015 at 2:39 PM

but what if that person is your boss or someone like that and you have to face him daily. what should be done? and how to stay strong?

Reply
Ms. Unknown

September 17, 2015 at 6:10 AM

I am a Filipina and I am in a relationship with a Muslim man from Egypt for 3 years and half. He knew from the beginning that I have a daughter and am a single mom. I told him from the very beginning the that I don’t want to be with him as I am very aware of the culture of Muslim people. But he insisted. He wanted us to be together and promised to marry and introduce me to his Mom and Family. But as time goes by, the thought of us getting married disappeared. He told me once to convert so we can get married, but I told him I need to know about your religion first before I convert. It is wrong to convert for the sake of marriage only I told him. Atleast, I will embrace first the religion and understand before converting. He agreed and promised me to teach me about Muslim Religion and stuff. However, nothing is happening. He is always feeling bad about our relationship as we are staying together that it is Haram. So i told him, let’s do this right. Teach me and let’s make this right. but…nothing is happening.

Later on, when we talk about marriage he just say he is not ready and his financial status is not stable to make a family. Which I understand already that he changed his mind. He said, I will never like the culture in Egypt and neighbors and relatives will dislike us.

Now, that he is so stressed and filled with work he became so depressed and feeling more guilt inside his heart. Sometimes he wonders if he will not be able to wake up one morning and he goes to hell. So he spoke to his mom as she is very religious and asked for an advise. So she told him what will happen to his soul and he got scared.

So now, he told me that he wants to take a break, he is reading Quran lately and been crying alot for repentance. I told him I can leave the house so he can focus and be on the right path, but if he really want us to be together I am willing to go on the same path with him. However, he didn’t say a word about me converting. So I really don’t know what to do.. I guess I will just give him the space he wants and think.

Now he comes back home late 12am or 1am he claimed that he is very busy with work..but I think he is avoiding me to not have any conversation with me to maybe change his mind.. So I decided to just move out. I am moving out tomorrow, it is hard, but I want him to be in the right path because I love him. I know he loves me too, but.. I am just not worthy for him.

What do you think I should do?

Reply
Lone

October 31, 2015 at 7:08 PM

This article… Just got to me.
I totally relate!!
I’ve been in relationships (yes plural),
However for a while now, single.
It is very challenging to stay single, sometimes i just wanna cuddle, i want to hold hands and speak through my heart bla bla, the peer/social media pressure, but to what end??
What did i get from the previous ones? Sins. More to atone for,?? Naah I’m good.
One “random” person will now say “or you’re being too choosy?”
Please, how would i not be????!!! Half my deen!!! I’d rather not have half my deen ERASED!!!!! (Deen wey i dey nurse like penguin egg?)
Maybe I’m still not religious enough to have a man with the level of “faith”
I want.
Or I’m afraid of a man who’s “WAAAAAAAY” more religious than myself. (By WAAAAAAY you get sha)

I’ve always wanted to express the fact that being single, has drawn me farther away from a lot of immoral acts without people thinking “eh, she’s just making an excuse for loneliness and inability to find a husband “.
By Allah, i have not felt happier with myself before now.
I’m not perfect, not even close.
The strive is real!!
The battle within.
Dunya, Akhirah.
i can say way closer to Allah Masha Allah.
I worry less,
I talk less,
I worship more,
I’m more confident,
More dedicated to myself
way more content with whatever Allah provides for me.

May Allah make it easy for us.

Reply
- j
  
  November 5, 2015 at 4:48 AM
  
  Wa alaikum salam
  
  It was very heartening to read your comment. May Allah Taala make it easy for us all ameen, to do what is correct
  
  Reply
zainab

November 15, 2015 at 3:02 PM

@ali can i get your email to get some suggestion

Reply
- zainab
  
  November 15, 2015 at 3:04 PM
  
  @fazal also yours
  
  Reply
Emna

December 8, 2015 at 5:05 PM

Brother a beautiful article. But I am in a huge dilemma. Could you please contact me via email as i Could really do with some advice. Jazakallah.

Reply
Imran

December 27, 2015 at 4:00 AM

Asalamu alaikum to all.
Allah sub made me met a woman for marriage purpose (indulging parents permission), we started talking to each other and an engagement have happened after 2 months (Sept 2015) and our marriage was planned on this Dec 2015.
Suddenly, last month (November 2015), we had some complicated discussion which leaded to fight and the Wali of the woman have cancelled our marriage.
Here is my question. I have done my Salat al-Istikhara before engaging talking to her and family and i had positive result.
Should i consider the marriage cancellation as a decree from Allah sub ? Should i consider that it was a good reason which is unknown to me ? Can i do Salat al-Istikhara again to ask Allah to reconcile us if it is good for both of us ?
Your brother in Islam.
Amram

Reply
horya khan

January 22, 2016 at 10:29 AM

salaam,,please everybody guide me,i m n this situation,,he loves me alot he cares for me.. he is my everythng…bt we can’t get marry,,it is haram in islam he is my razaayi brother,,,bt we do love each other,,,although we know it,,,,now he is engaged nd he doesn’t talk to his fiance he doesn’t go to thier home he even fight whenever somebody tke thier name,,,we live in joint family,,,i knw all about him,,he says that go with me abroad,,i know him he is very serious with me,,and its going when i was 7 yers old..he is 7 years elder to me,,,now he has created new issue in home that i will not marry to taht girl,,etc etc,,,please tell me what should i do???whenever i talk to him about our wrong relation he gets angry,,,he says don’t leave me please give me suggestion,,,i am mbbs student,,i know my career is bright,,insha ALLAH,,bt please gv me suggestion thnksss

Reply
- Aly Balagamwala
  
  January 23, 2016 at 6:20 AM
  
  WaAlaikum Assalam Sister:
  
  Can you please clarify what you mean by razaayi brother? As in siblings who were breastfed by the same woman?
  
  If this is the case then you are correct it is haraam for you to marry. I would advise you to consult our What’s the Matter section.
  
  Reply
Junaid

January 28, 2016 at 9:37 AM

can we end the haram relationship and then marry when the time is right, by halal ways ?? it ll also help to keep away from new haram relationships

Reply
Diana khadija

February 20, 2016 at 2:05 AM

Salam….. Its only less than a month since my breakup. And everyday is a struggle. Although i do constantly pray everyday and make supplications for strength, sabr and trust that Allah will help me heal and move on completely ;(

Reply
sulaiman

April 29, 2016 at 11:39 AM

my bros and sis am facing it rough the only way to be good in my religion[islam] is getting married my bros and sis coz yo moslems u r for sure am not financialy stable to get a halal women in our country it requires some good money
it’s not that am leaving islam coz of marriage but acording to the way i am i can hardly perfect it my bros & sis plz any advice of plz i will be greatfull 4 yo consern

SALM ALYKUM [W,W]

Reply
Aisha

April 30, 2016 at 2:43 PM

This is cruel to cut someone off because you decide to be self righteous ivernight! Allah wouldn’t want you breaking a girls heart so you can be some holy wannabe person! Ever thought of commitment??
You lead on a girl and cut her off because how dare she interfere with your newfound religiosity! How about you be a man and commit!!! Than you won’t have to think about haram
But to play a girl and cut her off like she’s disposable is wrong and cruel

Reply
Hamza Khurshid

May 5, 2016 at 12:49 PM

What is good about this is that this article talks about filling the void also. So often, we try to just remove haraam from our lives without substituting any halal for it. Jazak’Allah

Reply
Richu

May 10, 2016 at 8:43 PM

Whether he will hate me

Reply
Richu

May 10, 2016 at 8:53 PM

Whether he will make revenge on me

Reply
Mariya

June 6, 2016 at 8:58 PM

Please don’t judge me, I’m always really fearful to express anything I feel or believe.
2 weeks a go I met a guy who is Arab muslim and I’m also muslim but not arab and well he use to look at me and me being an idiot i looked back and smiled because he would and each night after studying he’d walk me home and on 3 occasions we got very close thank god no sex but lots of touching and kissing and honestly at the time I was lost in the moment. I still like him and think he does too, I feel like it’s mostly my fault like I should have stopped it!!! Could we be friends after this or not?
I’ve had this problem so many men have come over to me like a new guy each month and i’ve always said no and I don’t even give them attention or make much effort, my girl friends all say how simple I am!! what is wrong with me and how many guys can I say no to… he was the first guy who makes me smile, when ever I see him around uni he smiles and I smile back!!

Reply
- Ace
  
  July 6, 2016 at 10:05 AM
  
  I think marriage will be a good solutions if you like each other
  Finally I don’t know
  
  Reply
Anonymous

June 19, 2016 at 6:57 AM

This article really helped me. I lost a best friend, not just someone who loved. But taking some steps from this article into account; I am in a much better position. Shes in my dreams at times, even today; but with the help of Allah (swt) I am certain one day I will reflect back and I will say ALHAMDULLILAH for the recovery.

Reply
Muslimguy

June 19, 2016 at 9:33 AM

I am single Muslim guy in early 30s and moved around a lot ever since I was young. Everywhere I went I found the same relationship problems as mentioned above.
With the blessings of Allah and my steadfast character, I have never engaged in any relationship not even kissed or touched any girl in my life.
However, I do have natural desire to be with a woman who has the same ideals like myself.
It is really hard to find someone who is just like myself who shares the same faith, lifestyle and interests like me.
Many people ask me why do not I get married. I tell them “when Allah wills it will happen” to keep the conversation short and sweet.
These people usually tease you and make you feel bad from inside. Since they are married and think that finding a girl is easy for marriage, I tend to stay away and move on.
My parents and I have been looking for many proposals but there is so much criteria put up from the girl and her parents that it does not seem like marriage but instead slavery.
I am nobody’s slave but I have respect for everyone.
There are people who would say go find a hobby, date many women, get sexual experience before you get married. Unfortunately, I do not believe in that lifestyle.
There is hadith ” This world is like heaven for disbeliever and a prison for believer.”
This is actually true. When your intention is right or you try to start it right, it does not mean it will fine. Infact, there will more trouble waiting for you. Those people who often start out bad, usually end up being very happy. I guess Allah loves more to those people who wrong first and then correct themselves.
At the same time, I thought good is not equal to bad.
Maybe, really good people are meant to have really bad time in this world. That’s my experience. It does not get easy. That’s why I wish I had sinned more, maybe things would have been easier for me. I am saying that from practical standpoint.

Reply
- Kiara Combs
  
  August 25, 2016 at 2:23 AM
  
  just stay strong and try not to do haram, it could be hard sometimes even when your in a crazy situation but you have to fight it because shaytaan is whisper chanting to you to do all the haram things. and we just gotta learn to control the emotions thats all
  
  Reply
Alamina

June 20, 2016 at 10:20 PM

wow it really nice i did it because i want to be feel better

Reply
Ace

July 6, 2016 at 10:03 AM

Here’s my situation :
I’love a girl she’s muslim Al-Hamd-Li-Allah and we have been together for a while even we had plans for marriage but things turned since we made love , may god forgive us. Now we are no longer together but really I love her and I want to marry her.

So I need advice what to do should I marry her if she accept that or I’ve to move on and say goodbye to my past ?

Reply
Rehaan bhat

July 6, 2016 at 1:30 PM

brother ehab i told a person directly to marry me n i m having a relationship with him. I realised that true love z the love of Allah then i decided to leave him n told him a reason.he said ok i m leaving u.but he called me n started saying me i couldnt imagine u would betray me .i felt that i m not a good person for i didnt produced a sound reason for leaving this relation.so i told him to forgive me n we started again this relation.based on fake love.but as u said it z haraam i want to end thisl relationship .i dont know how to deal with him now.which is the best islamic reason to convence him..because i tried to leave him but failed..please help me ,

Reply
meera

July 11, 2016 at 6:25 AM

So you got with a guy, your a guy and you want to end the relationship?

Reply
Namiwonde bwalya

July 13, 2016 at 11:03 AM

But with the encouragements nd words have received I will be alrght. Thanks brothers and sisters. we indeed have our own lives to lead. Allah love and cares about us lots. let’s stay strong.

Reply
Muslimah

July 14, 2016 at 2:43 PM

Its 2016 and i just come across this article. I just came to my senses after a 7yrs relationship .Alhamdullilah with Hidayah from Allah swt .. The phase of it is so difficult and challengin.. If anyone could further encourage and motivate. MasyaAllah will be great help ..

Reply
Muslimah

July 14, 2016 at 2:48 PM

scarlet_zooyork@hotmail.com

Reply
Sarah

July 16, 2016 at 2:34 AM

The hatred and mistrust on this site for non Muslims is appalling. Call yourselves people of Allah yet you peddle this intolerance and division. I’m shocked.

Reply
Eirahm

July 27, 2016 at 3:26 AM

I am non-muslim, yet believed that this article is very helpful. I was once in what you called “haram” relationship for almost 5 years. Though I am still strugling and hurting, Alhamdullilah i am moving on. May Allah bless us all.

Reply
Pingback: Say Goodbye to that Haram Relationship – Souhail Merroun Blog
Kiara Combs

August 25, 2016 at 2:18 AM

well alhamdulilah, that was some awesome advice. i was having this problem with this one guy he won’t just give me up and when i would tell him we could just be friends he would always try to convince me to be with him, and finally i just broke it off i told i have to do this for the sake of allah and if we continue it will just bring us away from allah. I’m too nice i have to learn to be more firm i guess i give people chances but i need to be more mean i guess and think of the outcome of things

Reply
Hamd

September 5, 2016 at 2:02 PM

Jazakallah. You can’t imagine the good you’ve done to me. This is the exact thing wanted to hear. My parents, friends or siblings should have done the job but I didn’t tell them anything, just too afraid to be mocked. Commenting here is kind of a promise I am making to myself. All my life, I’ve chased things that I wasn’t supposed to. But no more. The thing I was in was already so toxic and harmful but couldn’t resist the charms and kept on lagging with the flow. Deep down there I knew I was wrong and that I was meant to end up as a person much better than what I was becoming. I started posting my pictures just to get praise and make the thing deeper but still it never sufficed the other side. I started prioritizing it over almost every other thing but seemed like that wasn’t enough…but Whatsoever happened in past better stay there. From now onwards, 22:49 , 5th Sep, 2016 I will be a changed person. Maybe that was the the alarm Allah placed in my life to alert me. My parents are far sighted enough to choose the best for me. But even more than that, my Trust rests with Allah now that he must have planned a better future, a saleh partner for me. And a hadith just popped up in my mind that Allah says “if my servant comes to me walking ,.I go to him running” and verily he does. My fellows…I started praying allah for sirat-e-mustqeem even when I was in that thing. I wondered how would I get out of it, but Allah is the only one who knows how to get things done. Miraculously, something just grabbed me out of it. Things started to happen sequentially against that bond as if some one was planning them! Verily Allah is the greatest planner of all. And now the struggle calms. A month before I couldn’t even think of it ending but lo, here I am finishing at this page, commenting my promise. Jazakallah again.

Reply
Maariya

September 10, 2016 at 6:35 PM

Thank you to who ever wrote this. Being young and naïve, I too was in a haraam relationship some time ago. Being a young muslim growing up in today’s society, things are getting harder to differentiate between what’s right and wrong. Fortunately, I got the courage to break it off ASAP. It just felt bad, made me feel impure. I am trying harder and harder to redeem myself and I pray that Insha’Allah, I will one day have a strong enough imaan to never again participate in these sort of acts.
Jazakallah Khair.

Reply
Nik

September 24, 2016 at 8:56 AM

Assalamu alaikum
I have been going through this situation right now iam a true believer and want to get closure to Allah S. W. T. He is a Muslim and loves me a lot but he and his family is lower in there taqwa to Allah. My parents are ready for him unless he is a momeen. Even I want him to become a momeen who practices Islam and he is ready for it. Iam praying a lot to Allah to help him and his family to guide to the straight path.am I doing it correct? Should I wait for it or move on? Plz Reply me as you read it. JazakAllah khair.

Reply
SisterFairy

October 9, 2016 at 1:45 AM

Hi,
I have read this article several months ago, and it helped me. I have read it many times, and here I am again. I dated a non-muslim for almost four years. Not only was I ignorant, I thought he would convert to islam. I was beyond stupid for thinking I could encourage someome towards Islam by disobeying it. The more time passed, the more I felt trapped in that relationship. I always felt it was wrong, but I was so attached. I loved it so much. I broke up with him a year ago, and I’m still struggling to let go and move on. I think about him, I contact him. I know i shouldnt, I event changed my number so he would’nt be able to text me out of the blue and for me to rush to him.
Its just so hard to accept I find myself empty handed. I truly loved him and wanted him to convert not only so we could marry, but so he could be among the winners.
My heart is so numb,dark and empty.

I feel so alone
like i have ruined my life.

I still love him.
I dont have any friends what can help me, most of them judge me:”Move on.”
Easier said than done. I thought he was the one…

-a fellow sister in need

Reply
- A lost sister
  
  December 14, 2016 at 8:52 AM
  
  Hi sister I am in the same situation contact me if you want to talk
  
  Reply
Faranaz

October 9, 2016 at 9:33 AM

I was dating a non muslim guy too. I always knew it was haraam but i was too lonely. My parents were never there for me because they were too busy in their wotld of debts. They kept using me and all my money and i needed someone to talk too. Then he was there. I have loved him sincerely but he did not. It was not love for him. One day we broke up because he accused me of cheating on him when in fact he was cheating on me. But after that he contacted me again to meet him. When i refused he took revenge from me. He called my dad and revealed everything and told a lot of fake things to downgrade me. Today both my parents are disgusted with me. My mum poisons me with this guilt every now and then. I asked a lot of forgiveness from Allah and i know he has forgiven me. But my mom and my dad wont stop to criticise and humiliate me. Sometimes u even think of committing suicide. Then i only think about Allah’s punishment abouy suicide. I would have taken my life if it was not such a big sin. I am fed up with my life. My parents have always used me and now they are killing me with this guilt.

Reply
Aafia

October 22, 2016 at 4:06 PM

Prophet Muhammad SAW has advised us on all matters including the criteria to look in your potential spouse,Which can be read here : http://islamhashtag.com/do-you-want-to-get-married/. May Allah save us from everything that doesn’t Please Him .

Reply
Ahmed

October 31, 2016 at 2:18 AM

See my friend . What you mean is actually right but . #9 where you encourage or give advice regarding watching movies is wrong . Please correct your mistakes and consult an Aalim
So whatever . Allah knows best.

Reply
Marcus

November 10, 2016 at 7:58 PM

As salamu alaikum wa rahmatullahi wa barakatuh,

Jazak Allah Khair to the author and everyone’s encouraging words for the sake of Allah SWT. I definitely have seen first hand the ill effects of being involved in such a relationship. Brothers and sisters fear Allah SWT! Please follow the correct process of nikah. May Allah SWT grant us pious spouses , pious offspring, good in this life and the hereafter. Amin.

Marcus

Reply
A lost sister

December 14, 2016 at 8:47 AM

It’s like someone wrote all the comments and the article about my life. Two days ago I couldn’t take it anymore after he had put me through hell (cheated, lie after lie, used me to get his life in the right direction) I gave him lots of chances because I really thought it would work out between us. At the beginning he even told me he would convert to be with me. Which truly was a lie.. I ask you brothers and sisters to pray for me and that Allah will forgive me for leaving my iman for almost 2 years. I started praying today again and inshallah it will continue in the right direction towards Allah. Ameen

Reply
Lion

December 16, 2016 at 3:31 PM

@Lulu Yes There is contact him and ask him to send the proposal for marriage but don’t close the doors for him if he is doing nothing except talking there are only few people in the world as he is.

Reply
Anonymous

April 1, 2017 at 5:49 AM

I think I came across this article a few years back, when I was in a situation where all I needed was desperate advice on how to get my self out of what I was in. And here I am, back again subhanallah. I knew I always took the wrong path by somehow trying to make myself feel better by thinking that I only wanted someone to love me. It’s not like I was after haram relationships after all. But subhanallah, I’ve realized every person I’ve met, thinking “hey he seems like he’s the one!”, ends up not working out. I was frustrated that after every time I met someone and ended up being a failed relationship due to different reasons (being too young, family decisions, etc) , I would promise myself I wouldn’t get myself into this. I would live the happy life I can needing no man since Allah had not planned for me to get married at the time. And unfortunately, some one would come into my life again. Knowing I shouldn’t continue talking to the person, knowing that Allah was probably testing me. Would I give in to my feelings? Was I not that strong enough? Is it that I can’t live without having to talk to a guy, just for the sake of having someone to talk to? What was wrong with me? How come my friends don’t do it?
I have just come out of a relationship where we were engaged for three days, and due to family issues, it was cancelled. I loved him, I did. And as frustrated as I was at the consequences, I’ve come to realize, Allah is the best of all planners. The man I thought I loved turned out to be someone with traits I could not live with at all. It took a long time for me to realize that Allah is the only One who could love me this much, for having brought me out of it. He cares. He is merciful. We as humans, may become ignorant and at times, selfish thinking only of ourselves when truly Allah subhallah is always looking after us.

Reply
Aminah

April 26, 2017 at 7:23 PM

Jazakumlahi Khayran Brother Hassan….May Almighty Allah reward you amazingly

Reply
anonymous

June 13, 2017 at 8:09 PM

Its not just about marriage. You can marry anyone and marriage does not guarantee love etc. Sometimes you need a companion, Kind of a best friend.. and its very hard to get over it when you lose a person who was a good friend whom you could tell everything and was emotionally and romantically involved with them too. I am not sure if my feelings will change after marriage.. or will i feel fulfilled? I make dua but i am confused…

Reply
Omar

June 23, 2017 at 7:35 PM

But I make dua for Allah to help u’s get back together and marry. Is that wrong? I told her 1000000 times we gonna end this if we wont marry but she keeps me on a leash. My heart doesnt only skip a beat My whole body trembles I lost My Hair because of the stress I have insomnia in devistated. My love is deep I dont want someone else. And even if I would, mag Allah forgive me for dating and thinking this but I am ugly and will never find a Good wife. But even if I did I want her. Yet still Im Trying to end iT but she wont leave me alone but doesnt want to commit as Well. I cant live in this harram shaytan relationship. I dont know What to do anymore i will never get over her I cant even breath normal. This has been going on for years and its bot getting any easier!

Reply
- bouchra
  
  June 24, 2017 at 11:54 AM
  
  Omar, that sounds not like a healthy love. Knowing that treu love is for God only and than his messenger etc. You better turn to God and not dreaming about her. You can allways make dua of course.
  
  I have the same problem as you but i didnt much take care about the sad feelings. When it comes yes it hurts because i know what he means to me. But i prefer to think positive and make dua to. I also think God knows better than us if we are the right one for each other. So put your trust in Allah and make dua but please fall not into a depression because its the decree of Allah and He knows better.
  
  Reply
Andrea Tacker

August 9, 2017 at 2:39 AM

Salaam Alaikum!
This was trully beautiful, insightful, and very informative. I needed to read this. Sometimes as people we live in denial and do not realize the truth until someone points it out. Being in unislamic relationship has torn me down and broke me into many pieces where i felt like i couldn’t escape. Reading this showed me that everything was wrong with that relationship because I believed we were doing everything right. But the truth was, I was doing everything wrong. Thank you.

Reply
Anonymous

February 3, 2018 at 10:09 PM

You destroyed me! I know you will call me shaitan or something. But because of this my gf who is a muslim had to leave everything behind and move forward…are you a human? all the things that we talked together everything and it was an online relationship. She doesn’t have to fear, I can’t do anything to her. Yet because of some laws made before facebook and whatsapp came, she had to follow them and apply it to our situation.

Is your heart made of metal to talk like that?

Reply
Saleeha

May 21, 2018 at 10:09 AM

Did Single Samosa get married? I wish she would come back here and tell us what happened regarding her marriage.

Reply
Laila

June 2, 2018 at 7:09 AM

Some pieces of advice penetrate the heart. Some don’t.

This did.

Allahu alam. May Allah reward you, shower his mercy on you, forgive you and grant you ease and relieve in this life and the hereafter. Say Ameen people ?

Reply
MuslimGirl

October 9, 2018 at 1:54 PM

This article just brought tears to me and it made me happy to Know Allah is always there for us.

Reply
Saad Bin Kabir

October 28, 2018 at 1:48 AM

MashaAllah! Zajhakallah! It is a nice post. May Allah ease your path of Deen.

Reply
Yasmine

December 19, 2020 at 9:10 PM

Salam alkieum,

Mashallah and thank you. Yup many of these situations take place o 1 particular site. The people I have met do many things that are not right.

It was 2019, I left my employer got rid of my belongings because I was supposed to make Nikha in France and move to the USA. His daughter just nasty and he threw me out like garbage. I lost everything.

I actually met one person that is a good person and we will marry alhamdulillah.

But my experience is that many don’t follow the way we are supposed to.

Many haram things and it all starts within a week of saying I love you. These people are from EU and still their intention is to come to the USA.

Red Flag with I Love You, they are one sided with their questions, won’t answer anything you ask when trying to get to know them, they always want to come to America and they make promises they don’t keep..

My fiance, I broke it off but 2 weeks later he called me from his sister phone. Everything is fine now.

I’m leaving in January and inshallah everything will be fine. It’s been almost a year since we started talking and we accept each other. Alhamdulillah because nothing happens without Allah’s will good and bad. We must learn to do better

Reply
Vdnkjesx

December 17, 2021 at 7:07 PM

People interacting is not impermissible, and loving someone, even if they dont love you is not a transgression, nor should we sever people from our lives completely. Humanity is one, we are all the decendents from the first person. We are here to know one another. And it is very telling of someone…if they are willing to cut you out of their life, they will cut anyone out of their life. Is life all about me myself and I? This article seems to fit that description.

Reply
Ridwanullah

January 25, 2022 at 2:50 PM

I’ve been in this Haram relationship for over 7 months now.
We fought 4 days ago and thought my life might end if I don’t reconcile with her soon.

But with this I’m seeing, I think I’ll have to move closer to Allah!!!

Astagfrullah.

Ever since I’ve been dating this girl I never for once pray Solat for over 7 months like this.

Reply
mumtaz molai

June 24, 2022 at 10:32 PM

Awesome article thanks for sharing

Reply
Mib

May 7, 2023 at 2:18 PM

Read this article almost 10 years ago over my first/ well second heart break. Since then had more rejections and heart breaks and am still single. I don’t thing there anything haraam about these things if your intention was pure and for marriage. Anyway InshaAllah we will get the ajar in the next world for all of this. Maybe even here, Allah is Kareem and generous.

Reply