#Life
Highly Educated, Willingly Domesticated
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Doctor. Engineer. Certified Nurse-Midwife. Writer and Literary Critic. Lab Technician. Parliamentary Assistant. These highly-trained, respected careers are the culmination of years of intense study, training, and self-discipline. Most people, upon achieving these esteemed positions, would happily dedicate the rest of their working years to putting their knowledge and expertise to use. They would gradually gain more experience, earn greater pay, and amass professional perks. Most likely they would also, over time, assume leadership roles, earn awards, or become sought-after experts in their field.
What kind of person has all this at her fingertips, but decides to give it up? Who would trade in years of grueling study and professional striving for an undervalued position that requires no degree whatsoever What type of professional would be willing to forgo a significant salary to instead work for free, indefinitely, with no chance whatsoever of a paycheck, recognition, benefits, or promotion?
Who else, but a mother?
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While certainly not all mothers choose to give up their careers in order to raise their children, there is a subset of women who do. Stay-at-home-moms (SAHMs) may spend the majority of their days performing unglamorous tasks like washing dishes, changing diapers, and reading storybooks to squirming toddlers, but behind the humble job title are dynamic, educated, and capable women. They may currently have a burp cloth in one hand and a sippy cup in the other, but chances are, SAHMs have a mind and capabilities that reach far beyond the apparent scope of their household duties.
What motivates a capable and ambitious woman to give up her career and stay home to raise children? Is she coerced into it, or does she choose it willingly? What is her driving force, if not money, status, or respect? I had many questions for these women -my sisters in Islam and my stay-at-home “colleagues”- and some of their answers surprised me.
For this article I interviewed seven highly-educated Muslim moms who chose to put successful careers on hold, at least temporarily, to raise their children. Between them, they hold PhDs, MDs, and Masters degrees. While the pervasive stereotype about Muslim women is that they are oppressed and backward, these high-achieving females are no anomaly. In fact, according to her article in USA Today, Dalia Mogahed points out that, “Muslim American women are among the most educated faith group in the country and outpace their male counterparts in higher education.” Across the pond, The Guardian reports that “more young Muslim women have been gaining degrees at British universities than Muslim men, even though they have been underrepresented for decades.”
Ambitions and dreams
Every single one of the women I interviewed grew up in a household with parents who highly emphasized their daughters’ education. In fact, all of them were encouraged -either gently or more insistently- to pursue “top” careers in medicine, engineering, or science. Perhaps unsurprisingly, most of the women I interviewed were at the head of their classes at university.
In their school years, before marriage, all of the women I spoke with considered their career to be their main priority; motherhood seemed far-off and undefined. “When in uni,” explains Neveen, an endodontist who eventually put her career on hold to be a SAHM and homeschooler, “I never, ever thought I’d homeschool (nor did I believe in it), nor did I ever think I’d be a SAHM. I was very career-oriented. I was top of my class in dental school and in residency.”
“I absolutely thought I would be a career woman,” agrees Nicole, a mom of three in California who holds a Masters degree in Middle East Studies. “I never considered staying at home with the kids, because they were totally out of my mind frame at the time.”
“I expected that after graduation I would follow a research-based career,” adds Layla*, another SAHM in California who holds a PhD in Computer Engineering. “I never thought I’d stay at home because I believed it was fine for kids to be in daycare. I also thought SAHMs were losing their potential and missing out on so much they could otherwise accomplish in their lives.”
As young women, many assumed that if they ever chose to start a family, they would have assistants, nannies, or domestic helpers to lighten their load. Several of them believed they would put their future children, if any, in daycare. However, the reality of motherhood made each of these women change her mind.
“My child was highly attached to me,” explains Sazida, an Assistant to a Member of Parliament in England, “and I could not envision him being looked after by anyone else despite generous offers from relatives.”
“After I had my first child all I wanted to do was be able to care for her myself,” concurs Melissa, a Certified Nurse Midwife from New York.
Other Motivations
It turns out that maternal instincts were not the only factor that made women choose to drop out of the workforce. Dedication to Islam played an enormous part in their decision-making.
“After having my first child,” explains Layla, “I decided that he was far more precious than working. He is a gift that Allah gave me to protect and care for.”
“After I became Muslim,” shares Nicole, “My goals changed, and I hoped to marry and have children. I do think it was beneficial for my children to have a parent always there to depend on,” she adds. “I feel like I was the anchor in the family for them, and I hope to continue that role.”
“What’s important to me,” asserts Neveen, “Is to raise my kids as good Muslims who love -and are proud of- their life and deen.”
Another reason many highly educated women choose to stay at home is because they have the opportunity to homeschool some or all of their children. Remarkably, out of the seven women who answered questions for this article, five reported that they chose to homeschool at least one child for a few or more years.
“I really enjoy my homeschooling journey with my kids and I get to know them better, alhamdullilah,” states Layla.
The opportunity to nurture, educate, and raise their children with love and Islamic values is the primary reason why these talented women were willing to put their successful careers on hold. “Hopefully Allah will reward us in Jannah,” muses Layla.
Challenges
Although none of the women I interviewed regrets her choice to be a SAHM, they all agree that it is a challenging job that is actually harder than their former career.
One obstacle they must overcome is the negative perception others have about successful women who make the choice to put their career on hold. “I soon learnt that casual clothes, a toddler, and a buggy don’t give you the same respect as suits and heels,” says Sazida.
One would expect, given their faith’s emphasis on the dignity of mothers, that Muslim SAHMs would enjoy the support of their family and friends. Unfortunately, this is not always the case.
One mom explains, “My in-laws offered to look after my child, and my father-in-law couldn’t understand why I wanted to stay at home when there was perfectly good childcare that they were offering. After two and three years passed, he got more and more disheartened that I was not earning and complained about the lost potential income.”
“My non-Muslim mother told me that I wasting my education,” confides Nicole. “She did not support me staying home, though I think she appreciated that I was there for my children and have a good relationship with them. She was a SAHM as well, so I am not sure where that was coming from, actually.”
Melissa’s mom was similarly skeptical of her daughter’s decision. “My mother didn’t love me being fully dependent on my husband,” she admits.
“I was not at all supported by my family or friends,” laments Radhia, a Lab Technician with a BS in Microbiology with a Chemistry minor.
Other than being doubted and blamed for their choice, there are other challenges that SAHMs face. Accustomed to mental stimulation, exciting challenges, professional accomplishments, and adult interaction, many former career women find staying at home to raise youngsters to be monotonous and lonely. The nannies, assistants, cleaners, and other workers they had envisioned often never materialized, since hiring these helpers was usually too expensive. Husbands who spent the day working as the family’s sole breadwinner, were usually too tired to help with household duties. A few women admitted that they felt guilty asking for help in the home when their husband was already exhausted from work. To exacerbate the problem, most of the women I interviewed lived far from family, so they could not rely on the help one normally gets from parents and siblings. That means the bulk of the childcare and housework fell onto their laps alone.
“The main challenges for me,” states Nicole, “were boredom, and finding good friends to spend time with who had similar interests. I was also very stressed because the raising of the children, the housework, the food, and overall upkeep of our lives were my responsibility, and I found that to be a heavy burden.”
“I think the feelings of vulnerability and insecurity about whether I was a good enough mother and housewife was difficult,” shares Melissa. “All my sense of worth was wrapped up in the kids and home, and if something went wrong I felt like a failure.”
“It was not as easy as I thought it would be,” confesses Radhia. “It was overwhelming at times, and I did miss working. Emotionally and physically, it was very draining.”
“Staying home has been harder than I expected,” adds Summer*, a Writer and Literary Critic from Boston. “I didn’t realize how willful children could be. I thought they’d just do what I said. I’m still trying to get used to the individuality! It’s harder than my job was, only because of the emotional load, and the fact that the effort you put in doesn’t guarantee the results you hope for.”
Money Matters
Giving up their salary also put women in a state of financial dependency, which can be a bitter pill to swallow for women who are used to having their own resources.
“I felt very dependent on my husband, financially,” says Radhia.
“Alhamdulillah, my husband does not refuse if I ask him to buy anything,” explains Layla. “However, I felt like I was losing my power of deciding to buy something for someone else. For example, if I want to buy a gift for my mother or my sister, he never refuses when I ask him, but still I feel internally it is harder for me.”
“Alhamdulillah my husband’s personality is not one that would control my financial decisions/spending,” shares Neveen. “Otherwise I would never have chosen to be a SAHM.”
“Giving up my career limited my power to make financial decisions,” asserts Summer. “I could still spend what I wanted, but I had to ask permission, because my husband knew when ‘we’ were getting paid, and how much. He paid the bills, which I didn’t even look at.”
“Asking permission,” Summer adds, “is very annoying.”
Re-entering the workforce was difficult for some women, while not for others. The total time spent at home generally affected whether women could easily jump back into their profession, or not. Some of the moms felt their skills had not gotten rusty at all during their hiatus at home, while others felt it was nearly impossible to make up, professionally, for missed time.
Words of Wisdom
Although all of the women I interviewed firmly believe that their time at home with their children is well-spent, they do have advice for their sisters who are currently SAHMs, or considering the position.
“If I could go back and speak to myself as a new mum, I would tell myself to chill the heck out and just enjoy being a new mum,” says Sazida.
Melissa offers, “I wish people understood how talented you have to be to run a home successfully. It’s a ton of work and it requires you to be able to do everything from snuggle and nurture, to manage the money, budget, plan precisely, be a good hostess, handle problems around the home, manage time, and meet goals all while trying to look cute.”
“I would always recommend that women have their own bank account and money on the side,” advises Nicole. “You never know when you are going to need it.”
“Once their kids are in school,” adds Radhia, “I would suggest SAHMs start something from home, or take on part time work, or courses, if necessary.”
“For moms choosing to stay at home,” Layla suggests, “I would say try to work part-time if your time permits, and if you have a passion for working. Trust that Allah will protect you, no matter what. Remember, you are investing in your kids, and that is far more important than thinking ‘I need to keep money in my pocket.’”
Support, don’t judge
As a Muslim ummah, our job is to support one another as brothers and sisters. It seems people forget this oftentimes, and erroneously believe that we are entitled to gossip, speculate, and sit in judgement of each other, instead. In our lives we will all undoubtedly encounter women who choose to continue their careers, and those who put them on hold, and those who decide to give them up completely. Before we dare draw conclusions about anyone, we must keep in mind that only Allah knows a person’s entire story, her motivations, and her intentions. Only He is allowed to judge.
We must also remember that some women, for a variety of reasons, do not have the luxury of choosing to stay at home. They must work to the pay the bills. Allah knows their intentions and will reward their sacrifices as well.
It is my hope that this article will not cause more division amongst us, but rather raise awareness of the beautiful sacrifices that many talented and intelligent women willingly make for the sake of their children, and even more so, for the sake of Allah . They are the unsung heroes of our ummah, performing an undervalued job that is actually of utmost importance to the future of the world.
*Name has been changed
For the past decade, writer Laura El Alam has been a regular contributor to SISTERS Magazine, Al Jumuah, and About Islam. Her articles frequently tackle issues like Muslim American identity, women’s rights in Islam, support of converts/reverts, and racism. A graduate of Grinnell College, she currently lives in Massachusetts with her husband and five children. Laura recently started a Facebook page, The Common Sense Convert, to support Muslim women, particularly those who are new to the deen.
Keep supporting MuslimMatters for the sake of Allah
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For over a decade, Laura El Alam has been a frequent contributor to various Islamic magazines. In her work she frequently addresses issues related to converts' experiences, women's right in Islam, racism, and Muslim-American identity. You can follow her on Facebook at her page The Common Sense Convert and read her blog on her website Sea Glass Writing & Editing.
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Nisma
March 13, 2019 at 12:24 PM
Even though I was expecting more from this article (more in depth discussion on what can we do to support women to have their career as well as to protect and care about the family, children so that we can raise the next generation properly without hurting them or them missing parents) but it is a good one. I wish someone can come up with a solution where the children will not miss their parents from their lives and parents can have their career. This question was disturbing me for long time. I could not just put my children in daycare and have my career – so I leave my career and be a SAHM. But sometimes I feel the urge to pursue my own career and sometimes it is painful as I was one of the best students in my class.
Fritz
March 16, 2019 at 5:58 PM
A career is just a tool to obtain income to support a family.
Few careers are THAT interesting but modern society has hoodwinked a generation of (mostly) women into believing that swapping their kids for the office is a fair deal. And then the rest have to follow just to make ends meet.
Connie
November 4, 2019 at 9:25 PM
Wow, When u put it that way, it changes my perspective momentarily…” a career is just a tool……”
As much as I want to argue that it is not just about the money but also for personal development and whatnot, I have to agree with you…it all boils down to money, societal recognition and financial independence…
I am a SAHM who is putting my professional career as a doctor on hold to care for my three kids. The journey is tough and the struggles are endless but thank you for this comment!!
Gigi
March 23, 2019 at 7:00 AM
Great article. I’m currently in undergrad and look forward to bring a stay at home mom. I don’t value the potential extra income nearly as much as I value being there for my children and instilling Islamic values in them rather than letting secular society raise them. My husband and I are both converts so we have to make the extra effort to provide the Islamic environment. May Allah make it easy for ask the mothers whether they work or not to excel in their roles. Again motherhood is much more valuable in the sight of Allah than making extra income, and He, subhanahu wa ta’ala knows best great article!
Atiya
March 23, 2019 at 9:33 PM
I too am a SAHM. I live in Mumbai, India. I could completely relate my situation with the lives of these wonderful, intelligent women. I have a bachelors degree in Electronics Engineering. I worked for few years, taught for few years at a college and then with my circumstances was forced to stay at home. My husband was in Europe pursuing his PhD while I stayed back to look after my ailing father. Allah had other plans for me. I lost my father and subsequently my mother too got bedridden. In addition to this, my dad’s business fell on my shoulder. N I had a 2 year old daughter to look after too. I lost my mother too after 3 years of intense battle with a kidney disorder. My husband returned back completing his degree and I decided to just be a SAHM. Losing my parents was the hardest thing ever. In my moments of grief I turned towards Allah swt for guidance and support. Today being a SAHM, I have couple of guilt. I wish I could have got the opportunity to do my masters and work for more years. Didn’t I try for it? Yes I did. With all my heart. But Allah had other plans. Today I’m a SAHM and I’m financially independent too. All praises and thanks to Allah! My dad’s business is now mine and we have a full time staff for it and my husband handles the rest. Alhamdullilah! Now I’m expecting my second child and currently my focus is all about raising up children in the bestest Islamic manner. I too am learning more and more about Islam and slowly I can observe the gravitational shift in my priorities. SubhanAllah!
Anam
March 26, 2019 at 1:12 PM
This is interesting…we need to have more series of articles on this topic.
When I become a mom myself, I intend to continue working, eventhough I understand my priorities may differ then……because I think it’s better to remain financially independent, for you never know what life will throw at you and it’s better that in any unexpected /tough life circumstances the woman can look after herself/ family and need not feel vulnerable to exploitation or subjugation by others.
May Allah grant guidance in all our affairs!
Amina
April 10, 2019 at 2:56 PM
I felt like it is written about myself.
Graduated as topper of my batch in Engineering , working in an MNC , left everything behind and currently SAHM . Do I have regrets? I have regrets of not having financial independency but never regret the time I spent with my children. Every second spent with them is priceless and I tried my best to carry out the job Allah swt provided me i.e., to take care of HIS best of creations , the human child .
Definitely it is very hard to get back in the career field based on the field you are expecting to return to . Some are easy .. some are difficult , some impossible .
I have guilt feeling that I wasted my parents hard work . Currently with my youngest going to go to KG next year , I am thinking of all possible options but my heart is more leaning towards time in Quran . Plus with age comes the ailments and issues which further hinders the path of career . SubhanAllah at the hindsight I would say I didn’t waste my time all these years . I spent my time in caring for the household and seeking Islamic knowledge .. Praying that Allah swt will continue to guide me to do the right thing at every stage of the life .. ..
Riham
March 9, 2021 at 7:51 PM
Loved it. Personally Im a senior finishing up my undergrad but once in shaa Allah one day I have kids I want to work part time because I still want to keep my career but have more time at home to do duties and motherhood responsibilities.
Aisha
May 28, 2023 at 3:00 PM
It’s really comforting. I have feelings like I get all my questions answered. There was always a confusion, a sense of deprivation and guilt that I left my career. Earning a handsome amount being a University professor after PhD and then leaving it bcz that money didn’t make sense when your kids are deprived of motherhood in the formative years of their life, was really tough for me. It’s true if I had to work then it was without any support from in-laws. AlhamduliAllah I’ve put a hold to my research career, and homeschooling two of my kids. I’m satisfied that I’m with my kids when they need me. But sometimes it really pains was there not another way to that?? This post really calm me. I’m from Pakistan and happy to find that there are many like me who trust Allah’s will.Indded Allah is the best Planner.