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Becoming a new mother can be one the most rewarding experiences a woman can have in life, but it can also be incredibly challenging and overwhelming. New motherhood is typically associated with feeling incredibly blessed, a new sense of fulfillment and family bonding. There is a general expectation that new mothers should be happy and when they are not everyone is left bewildered as to why. What is a new mom supposed to do when there is a piercing angst wedged deep within her chest that won’t go away? Or when mixed clouds of frustration and sadness follow her everywhere she goes? How can a new mom tell anyone about her difficult feelings when she is supposed to be joyful? Well, the answer is- she doesn’t. New mothers often times keep their struggles to themselves and some end up falling into Postpartum Depression.
Getting help for depression has become more acceptable in the Muslim community over the past few years, however, Postpartum Depression (PPD) still flies mostly under the radar because of lack of knowledge about the subject and the associated shame. Myths about what causes PPD lead women to isolate and not reach out for help when family and community support can be exactly what new mothers need.
What is Postpartum Disorder?
Postpartum disorder is when a new mother experiences clinical levels of depression after having a baby; such as sadness, crying, major changes in appetite, sleep, irritability, feelings of no motivation, and hopelessness. Many research articles quote that depression affects 11% of women during pregnancy and 10-14% of women postpartum, but the range can be anywhere from 9-25% depending on risk factors and circumstances. Women from minority backgrounds, which many Muslim women fall into, can have postpartum rates as high as 23%.
It is assumed that PPD is caused by a woman not wanting to have a child, however, for the majority of women, it’s caused by a combination of physiological changes (e.g. falling hormone levels), being overwhelmed and not enough support. PPD doesn’t just happen for new mothers but can happen after any pregnancy or even during pregnancy (Perinatal Depression).
One of the biggest reasons PPD is not talked about by new mothers is shame and guilt. Around the world, and especially in Muslim communities, having a baby is expected to be a time of joy and celebration. It’s an encouraged sunnah, rite of passage and expected social norm- there is an expectation of experiencing a “magical feeling” due to the birth of this wonderful gift. When a woman feels that everyone around her expects her to be happy and she isn’t, that can cause shame, guilt, and self-doubt.
No woman wants to be labeled as ungrateful, unhappy or incompetent, and when a woman feels like she can’t talk to anyone about her vulnerable feelings without being shamed or belittled, her negative feelings are further compounded. A woman might be accused of being unappreciative for her child or life in general when she brings up her thoughts of PPD to family members. Confused spouses may grossly misunderstand PPD and turn on their wife calling her lazy or indoctrinated by Western or feminist values when the new mom says she needs a break from the house. When the new mother has nowhere to turn, she suffers alone in silence. Sometimes this suffering is well hidden behind fake smiles and at other times the pain cannot be contained and results in outbursts, chronic agitation or a complete emotional shutdown.
PPD symptoms are also many times overlooked because people have a hard time recognizing what symptoms are. A woman is expected to behave and feel differently when pregnant or after having a baby, but what is the difference between normal adjustment issues and clinical Adjustment Disorder? Does a mother have high agitation because her baby wakes up at all hours of the night, or because she is depressed? Does a first-time mother have a normal amount of anxiety because she isn’t experienced, or because she might have clinical Postpartum Anxiety?
When the new mother doesn’t know what signs to look out for then she misses opportunities to identify and address potential issues. Here are some signs to look for concerning PPD:
- Persistent sadness, anxiety, agitation, or distress for chunks of time throughout the week that lasts at least a couple weeks.
- Impaired functioning. This is tricky because many new moms will not be able to take care of certain aspects of her life like before, but when a new mom can’t keep up with the house, basic day to day activities, hygiene or friendships, etc. it could be a sign that she is struggling.
- Appearance that there is a big change in personality. Personality is innate and doesn’t tend to change over time. If someone seems like their personality has changed especially in a negative way this is likely because of a bigger issue at hand. It’s not that a once happy and social person is now pessimistic and solitary, it’s that the happy and social person is now depressed.
Why is Postpartum Depression Relevant to the Muslim Community?
Postpartum Depression is an important health and wellness issue for all communities but should be particularly noteworthy for Muslim communities as we place a lot of importance on respecting mothers and treating them well. When most people think about the significance of motherhood in Islam, immediate thoughts come up of taking care of one’s own mother – usually, the picture emerges of an old mother cared for by her now-grown children. But what about the significance of the role of motherhood itself? If we are to hold motherhood highly than we should also provide the support and resources needed for women to be able to fulfill their roles in the best way possible. When new mothers are supported, it not only helps them but also their children – the next generation of the Ummah. Healthy moms help make healthy homes and healthy communities.
In addition to giving mothers the appropriate support they need, we as a community also need to make sure that we are not giving mixed and contradictory messages to new moms about their contribution to the Ummah. Motherhood is simultaneously one of the most treasured and disrespected roles of our time. On the one hand, Islam puts mothers on the pedestal, while on the other hand modern day society indirectly disrespects motherhood all the time- especially for those who decide to stay home and take care of their children. It’s not unusual for some people to serve their mothers in a heartbeat yet go to their wife, daughter or friend and say the following:
“What do you do all day with the baby (or kids)?”
“It must be nice to stay at home and not go to work.”
“Why don’t you put your college degree to use?”
“Anyone can be a mother- you don’t need an education or any special qualities.”
As Muslims, it’s important for us to monitor our own healthy subconscious views about motherhood as we live in a global culture that promotes the opposite. How society views motherhood contributes to how mothers feel about themselves, and how they feel about the big responsibility of raising children entrusted to them.
Addressing PPD from a Multi-Level Perspective
Addressing the issue of postpartum depression comprehensively and systematically would be better suited for a longer publication, however for the purpose of this article, here are some simple strategies on an individual, family and community level that can help address PPD.
New moms are overwhelmed with many physiological, psychological and logistical changes, however, there are ways to get help if it’s getting too difficult to manage day to day functioning. One of the first places a new mom can turn to is her doctor. Obstetricians are very familiar with the ins and outs of regular adjustment versus clinical depression. If a new mom is not sure about Perinatal or Postpartum Depression, she can run it by her obstetrician at one of her pregnancy check-ups, at the hospital after delivery, or at the 6 week follow up visit.
Having supportive family and friends also makes a big difference. Many new moms are uncomfortable talking about their difficult feelings in social circles because of perceptions that they may be less than their peers. If one doesn’t have supportive friends or family members there are many new mom groups that can be a good substitute. These support groups can be found online, at hospitals and through OB/GYN groups. In the absence of a supportive network, new moms can reach out to a therapist to help them sort through feelings and identify local resources.
Self-care is extremely important. There are expectations by new mothers and those around her that she has to selflessly give herself and time to her child unconditionally. Motherhood is a never-ending job, but this doesn’t mean that a new mom shouldn’t carve out time in her schedule for herself. As a psychotherapist who has worked with countless new moms over the years, I truly believe you can not take care of someone else if you can’t take care of yourself. Getting alone time, uninterrupted spiritual time, taking naps, eating healthy food, getting exercise, being in nature and spending time with friends shouldn’t be looked at as luxuries, but as necessities for long-term wellbeing.
It’s important for a woman to look after her mental health, however, this is not her responsibility alone. Families are meant to be interdependent and so husbands, grandparents, and siblings should also keep an eye on the new mom to ensure that she is taking care of herself while she cares for the new baby. If a husband notices that his wife has not been feeling well for some time, as the shepherd of his family, it’s his responsibility to assist her in getting the help she needs; mothers of adult daughters, aunts and sisters should do the same.
Families can help by being emotionally and logistically supportive. Kind words go a long way, but so does giving a helping hand. Assistance should be given freely with no intention of making the mother feel incompetent, or that she is failing. Letting new mom take a break without baby can do wonders for her and is not “selfish” of her.
Obstetricians provide postpartum screenings in their office, but this is not nearly enough. Prevention and intervention on a community level is needed and masajid should promote support groups for new mothers and mothers in general. Having support groups takes minimal effort or upkeep as all that is usually needed is a space where new moms can meet consistently and a person to facilitate.
Additionally, masajid should make consistent efforts to make their spaces kid friendly. A new mother who previously attended many events at the masjid can find herself completely cut-off from the community if she cannot bring her baby or kids – likely worsening her depression. Kid-friendly components to masjid activities can be critical to a new mother and form one of the key pillars of community support she needs.
In summary, Postpartum Depression can be preventable and treatable with simple interventions like providing new mothers adequate emotional, social and community support. When we open up the conversation about PPD we take away harmful assumptions about why it exists and can help address the issue from a multi-dimensional perspective. When PPD can’t be prevented or managed by community and family intervention, it’s important to help a new mother in getting the support she needs from her doctor or a psychotherapist without feeling like she is a bad mother.
Najwa Awad is a licensed clinical social worker (LCSW-C) that has provided psychotherapy to individuals and families in the Baltimore-Washington metropolitan area for over 10 years. She obtained a Bachelors degree in Psychology at George Mason University in 2005. In 2007 she received a Masters in Social Work at Virginia Commonwealth University specializing in the clinical treatment of individuals and families. Najwa also has post graduate education in the treatment of complex psychiatric trauma and telemental health (online counseling). Her experience in the field is diverse and includes providing services at group homes, schools and in the foster cares system. Most recently Najwa has been working and supervising in outpatient mental health settings providing psychotherapy to women, children and families. Commonly treated issues include trauma, mood disorders, behavioral disorders and anxiety. In addition to giving regular mental health workshops in the community, Najwa is also Fellow at the Yaqeen Institute for Islamic Research.
 Gavin, N.I., Gaynes, B.N., Lohr, K.N., Meltzer-Brody, S., Gartlehner, G., Swinson, T.(2005). Perinatal depression: a systematic review of prevalence and incidence. Obstetrics and Gynecology, 106 (5, Pt 1):1071-1083
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7 Powerful Techniques For Keeping New Year’s Resolutions
Studies show the most common New Year’s resolutions revolve around finances and health. Unfortunately, they also show only a relatively small number will keep most or all of them. The rest will mostly fail within the first few weeks. Here are 7 powerful techniques to make sure you’re not one of them.
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It’s the end of the year, and I’m pretty sure I know what you’re thinking – after wondering if New Year’s is halal to celebrate, you probably want to lose some weight, make more money, talk to family more, or be a better Muslim in some way. The New Year for many of us is a moment to turn a fresh page and re-imagine a better self. We make resolutions and hope despite the statistics we’ll be the outliers that don’t fail at keeping our New Year’s resolutions.
Studies show the most common New Year’s resolutions revolve around finances and health. Unfortunately, they also show only a relatively small number will keep most or all of them. The rest will mostly fail within the first few weeks.
Given such a high failure rate, let’s talk about how you can be among the few who set and achieve your goals successfully.
1. Be Thankful to Allah
Allah Gives You More if You’re Thankful
You’ve been successful this past year in a number of areas. Think of your worship, career, relationships, personality, education, health (physical, mental, social, and spiritual), and finances. Take a moment to reflect on where you’ve succeeded, no matter how trivial, even if it’s just maintaining the status quo, and be thankful to Allah for those successes.
When you’re thankful to Allah , He increases you in blessings. Allah says in the Qur’an:
“And (remember) when your Lord proclaimed, ‘If you give thanks (by accepting faith and worshipping none but Allah), I will give you more (of My blessings); but if you are thankless (i.e. disbelievers), verily, My punishment is indeed severe’” [14:7]
In recent years, there’s been more discussion on the benefits of practicing gratitude, though oftentimes it’s not clear to whom or what you’re to be grateful towards. We, of course, know that we’re not grateful simply to the great unconscious cosmos, but to our Creator.
Despite this difference, there exist interesting studies on how the practice of gratitude affect us. Some of the benefits include:
- Better relationships with those thanked
- Improved physical health
- Improved psychological health
- Enhanced empathy and reduced aggression
- Better sleep
- Improved self-esteem
- Improved mental strength
Building on Your Successes
In addition to being thankful to Allah , reflect on why you were successful in those areas. What was it you did day in and day out to succeed? Analyze it carefully and think of how you can either build on top of those present successes, or how you can transport the lessons from those successes to new areas of your life to succeed there as well.
In the book Switch by Dan and Chip Heath, they note that we have a tendency to try to solve big problems with big solutions, but a better technique that has actual real-world success in solving complex problems is to instead focus on bright spots and build on those bright spots instead. You have bright spots in how you’ve worked and operated, so reflect on your successes and try to build on top of them.
2. Pick One Powerful, Impactful Goal
Oftentimes when we want to change, we try to change too many areas. This can lead to failure quickly because change in one area is not easy, and attempting to do it in multiple areas simultaneously will simply accelerate failure.
Instead, pick one goal – a goal that you are strongly motivated to fulfill, and one that you know if you were to make that goal, it would have a profoundly positive impact on your life as well as on others whom you are responsible to.
In making the case based on scientific studies, James Clear, author of Atomic Habits, writes:
Research has shown that you are 2x to 3x more likely to stick with your habits if you make a specific plan for when, where, and how you will perform the behavior. For example, in one study scientists asked people to fill out this sentence: “During the next week, I will partake in at least 20 minutes of vigorous exercise on [DAY] at [TIME OF DAY] at/in [PLACE].”
Further down, he states:
“However (and this is crucial to understand) follow-up research has discovered implementation intentions only work when you focus on one thing at a time.”
When setting your goal, be sure to set a SMART goal, one that is Specific, Measurable, Achievable, Realistic, and Time Bound. “I want to lose weight” is not a SMART goal. “I want to achieve 10% bodyfat at 200 lbs in 9 months” is specific (you know the metrics to achieve), measurable (you can check if you hit those metrics), achievable (according to health experts, it can be done, realistic (it’s something you can do), and time-bound (9 months).
3. Repeatedly Make Du’a with Specificity
Once you lock onto your goal, you should ask for success in your goal every day, multiple times a day. Increasing in your du’a and asking Allah for success not only brings you the help of the Most High in getting to your goal, it also ensures it remains top of mind consistently.
A few of the best ways to increase the chances of a supplication being accepted:
- Increase the frequency of raising your hands after salah and asking for your intended outcome.
- Asking while you are in sujood during prayers.
- Praying and supplicating in the last 3rd of the night during qiyam ul-layl.
When you make your du’a, be specific in what you ask for, and in turn, you will have a specific rather than a vague goal at the forefront of your mind which is important because one of the major causes of failure for resolutions themselves is lacking specificity.
4. Schedule Your Goal for Consistency
The most powerful impact on the accomplishment of any goal isn’t in having the optimal technique to achieve the goal – it is rather how consistent you are in trying to achieve it. The time and frequency given to achievement regularly establishes habits that move from struggle to lifestyle. As mentioned in the previous section, day, time, and place were all important to getting the goal, habit, or task accomplished.
In order to be consistent, schedule it in your calendar of choice. When you schedule it, make sure you:
- Pick the time you’re most energetic and likely to do it.
- Work out with family, friends, and work that that time is blocked out and shouldn’t be interrupted.
- Show up even if you’re tired and unmotivated – do something tiny, just to make sure you maintain the habit.
A Word on Automation
Much continues to be written about jobs lost to automation, but there are jobs we should love losing to automation, namely, work that we do that can be done freely or very cheaply by a program. For example, I use Mint to capture all my accounts (bank, credit card, investments, etc) and rather than the old method of gathering receipts and tracking transactions, all of it is captured online and easily accessible from any device.
Let’s say you wanted to give to charity, and you wanted to give a recurring donation of $5 a month to keep MuslimMatters free – all you have to do is set up an automated recurring donation at the link and you’re done.
Likewise, if you’re saving money for a goal, you can easily do so by automating a specific amount of money coming out of your bank account into another account via the online banking tools your bank provides. You can automate bill payments and other tasks to clear your schedule, achieve your goals, and keep you focused on working the most important items.
5. Focus on Behaviors, Not Outcomes
We’re often told we should set up SMART goals – Specific, Measurable, Achievable, Realistic, and Timebound. However, one way to quickly fail a goal is by defining success according to outcomes, which aren’t necessarily in your hand. For example, you might say as above:
“I want to be at 10% body fat in 9 months at 200 lbs.”
This is a SMART goal, and it’s what you should aim for, but when you assess success, you shouldn’t focus on the result as it’s somewhat outside the scope of your control. What you can do is focus on behaviors that help you achieve that goal, or get close to it, and then reset success around whether you’re completing your behaviors. As an example:
“I want to complete the P90X workout and diet in 90 days.”
Here, you’re focused on generally accepted notions on behaviors that will get you close to your goal. Why? Because you control your behaviors, but you can’t really control the outcomes. Reward yourself when you follow through on your behavior goals, and the day-to-day commitments you make. If you find that compliance is good, and you’re getting closer to your goal, keep at it.
Read the following if you want to really understand the difference in depth.
6. Set Realistic Expectations – Plan to Fail, and Strategize Recovery
After too many failures, most people give up and fall off the wagon. You will fail – we all do. Think of a time you’ve failed – what should you have done to get back on your goal and complete it? Now reflect on the upcoming goal – reflect on the obstacles that will come your way and cause you to fail, and how when you do fail, you’ll get right back on it.
Once you fail, ask yourself, was it because of internal motivation, an external circumstance, a relationship where expectations weren’t made clear, poor estimation of effort – be honest, own what you can do better, and set about attempting to circumvent the obstacle and try again.
7. Assess Your Progress at Realistic Intervals
Once you’re tracking behaviors, simply mark down in an app or tracker that you completed the behavior. Once you see you’re consistent in your behaviors over the long-term, you’ll have the ability to meaingfully review your plan and assess goal progress.
This is important because as you attempt to perform the work necessary to accomplish the goal, you’ll find that your initial assessments for completion could be wrong. Maybe you need more time, maybe you need a different time. Maybe you need a different process for accomplishing your goals. Assess your success at both weekly and monthly intervals, and ask yourself:
- How often was I able to fulfill accomplish my required behaviors? How often did I miss?
- What was the reason for those misses?
- Can I improve what I’m doing incrementally and change those failures to successes? Or is the whole thing wrong and not working?
Don’t make changes when motivation dies after a few days. Don’t make big changes on a weekly basis. Set an appointment on a weekly basis simply to review successes and challenges, making small tweaks while maintaining the overall plan. Set a monthly appointment with yourself to review and decide what you’ll change, if anything, in how you operate.
Be something of a Tiger mom about it – aim for 90% completion of behaviors, or an A grade, when assessing whether you’ve done well or not. Anything below 90% is a failing grade.
(ok, so Tiger Moms want 100% or more, but let’s assume this is a somewhat forgiving Tiger Mom)
Putting it All Together
Set ‘Em Up
- First, take a moment to reflect and be thankful to Allah for what you’ve achieved, and reflect on what it is you’ve accomplished and what you’ve done in the way you worked and operated that helped you succeed.
- Next, pick one goal and one goal alone to achieve, and use the SMART goal methodology to be clear about what it is.
- Once this is done, make du’a with strong specificity on a regular basis during all times, and especially during the times when du’as are most likely to be accepted.
Knock ‘Em Down
- Schedule your goal into a calendar, making sure you clear the time with any individuals who will be impacted by your changed routines and habits.
- On a daily basis, focus on completing behaviors, not the outcomes you’re aiming for – the behaviors get you to the outcomes.
- Plan on failing occasionally, especially a week after motivation disappears, and plan for how you’ll bounce back immediately and recover from it.
- Finally, on a daily and weekly basis, assess yourself to see if you’re keeping on track with your behaviors and make adjustments to do better. On a monthly basis, assess how much closer you are to your goal, and if you’re making good progress, or if you’re not making good progress, and try to understand why and what adjustments you’ll make.
What goals do you plan to achieve in the coming year?
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I Encountered A Predator On Instagram
A predator on Instagram posing as a hijab modeling consultant, going by the name of @samahnation, tried to prey on me- an underage, 16-year-old. We don’t know if the photos on Instagram page have been stolen from a victim. These predators operate under various names.
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It was a Wednesday night in April and as I was getting ready to go to bed, a direct message popped up in my Instagram inbox. A little background; my personal account on Instagram is private and it is rare that I let anyone, whom I do not know, follow me. But seeing that this was a grown “woman” with a baby and I had at least seven mutual friends, I let her follow me.
I will say, I was definitely in the wrong to respond to someone I didn’t personally know. Somehow I thought her 105K followers gave her credibility.
I was gravely mistaken.
I opened the direct message.
She had sent me a message complimenting me. This wasn’t new to me because I often get messages with compliments about my appearance from friends — we are teenagers. However, the stark difference was that I didn’t know this person at all. (I came to learn that these types of messages can go under the category of grooming). After complimenting me, she asked whether I had ever considered modeling for a hijab and abaya company.Many young women are targeted by predators on Instagram. Here is my story. 'After complimenting me, 'she' asked whether I had ever considered modeling for a hijab and abaya company.'Click To Tweet
I replied, saying that if I had more details I’d consult with my parents and give her an answer the next morning; to which she responded demanding she must have an answer the same night as she had other offers to make.
I then went to ask my mother. Mama was sick with the flu, quite woozy, but despite her state she said,
“this sounds like a scam to me…”.
I decided to play along with it and test her.
I told @samahnation to tell me more and how I could verify her and her company. She then sent me numerous copied and pasted answers —hecka long— about how I could trust her; how the company would pay me and how they will still make money in the meantime.
Thankfully, I was apprehensive during the entire ordeal, but as you can see, this type of manipulation is so real and possible for young women and girls to fall prey. This experience was honestly quite scary and jarring for me. I was so easily distracted by what she was portraying herself as on her profile. She had a GoFundMe for a masjid in her bio and posts of photos depicting her love for her baby.
I began to do some research. I stumbled upon an article about a ‘Hijab House’ model scam. Using the title of ‘consultant director’ for a well-known hijab company, Hijab House, predators were allegedly preying on young girls in Australia. Hijab House has denied any link to this scam.
The predator went as far as to blackmail and pressure their victims into sending nude photos, or doing crazy things like smelling shoes! Eerily enough, @samahnation’s Instagram bio stated that she was based in Melbourne, Australia.
The more I engaged with this predator, the more ludicrous their responses and questions got. And this happened within the span of 24 hours.
She went as far as to ask me if I would answer questions for a survey, saying all that mattered was honesty and that the purpose of the survey was to make me uncomfortable to see if I “won’t fall under pressure.”
Clearly, this last statement about being a speech analysis specialist was a complete fabrication. Again, may I reiterate that even older people can fall prey. You don’t have to be young and impressionable, these manipulative perpetrators will do anything to get what they want.
This was the last thing I said to the predator before I blocked and reported them in an attempt to get them caught. Observe how as soon as I called this person out they immediately became defensive and tried to manipulate me into thinking that what they were doing and asking me was completely normal- that I was the crazy one for asking for proof.
Unfortunately, this is just the tip of the iceberg. They had asked me questions I found too lewd to even answer or take screenshots of.
This bizarre encounter was honestly astonishing. I do not even know if I was talking to a man or a woman.
Alhamdullilah, I am so glad because even if I was a little bit gullible, I was aware enough about predatory behavior that I didn’t fall victim to this perpetrator. I am especially grateful for my mother, who has educated me about predators like this from a very young age; whom even in her drowsy state was able to tell me it was a preposterous scam.
I could have been blackmailed.
Talk to your parents or a trusted adult
I am grateful for having an open channel of communication, that my relationship with my mother is based on trust and I could go to her when this occurred. This is a reminder and a learning opportunity for all of us how these scary things can happen to anyone. We must learn how to take caution and protect ourselves and our (underage) loved ones against such situations.
Sis, please talk to your parents. They love you and will be your first line of defense.
Grooming is a very common tactic online predators use to gain the trust of their victim. According to InternetSafety101, young people put themselves at great risk by communicating online with individuals they do not know on a personal level. “Internet predators intentionally access sites that children commonly visit and can even search for potential victims by location or interest.
If a predator is already communicating with a child, he or she can piece together clues from what the child mentions while online, including parents’ names, where the child goes to school, and how far away the child lives from a certain landmark, store, or other location.
Online grooming is a process which can take place in a short time or over an extended period of time. Initial conversations online can appear innocent, but often involve some level of deception. As the predator (usually an adult) attempts to establish a relationship to gain a child’s trust, he may initially lie about his age or may never reveal his real age to the child, even after forming an established online relationship. Often, the groomer will know popular music artists, clothing trends, sports team information, or another activity or hobby the child may be interested in, and will try to relate it to the child.”
These tactics lead children and teens to believe that no one else can understand them or their situation like the groomer. After the child’s trust develops, the groomer may use sexually explicit conversations to test boundaries and exploit a child’s natural curiosity about sex. Predators often use pornography and child pornography to lower a child’s inhibitions and use their adult status to influence and control a child’s behavior.
They also flatter and compliment the child excessively and manipulate a child’s trust by relating to emotions and insecurities and affirming the child’s feelings and choices.
* Prey on teen’s desire for romance, adventure, and sexual information.
* Develop trust and secrecy: manipulate child by listening to and sympathizing with child’s problems and insecurities.
* Affirm feelings and choices of child.
* Exploit natural sexual curiosities of child.
* Ease inhibitions by gradually introducing sex into conversations or exposing them to pornography.
* Flatter and compliment the child excessively, send gifts, and invest time, money, and energy to groom the child.
* Develop an online relationship that is romantic, controlling, and upon which the child becomes dependent.
* Drive a wedge between the child and his/her parents and friends.
* Make promises of an exciting, stress-free life, tailored to the youth’s desire.
* Make threats, and often will use child pornography featuring their victims to blackmail them into silence.”
Another interesting observation I made is the clear gaslighting this pedophile was trying to perpetuate throughout my conversation with them. You may ask what is gas lighting?
According to Psychology Today, gaslighting is a tactic in which a person or entity, in order to gain more power, makes a victim question their reality. It works much better than you may think. “Anyone is susceptible to gaslighting, and it is a common technique of abusers, dictators, narcissists, and cult leaders. It is done slowly, so the victim doesn’t realize how much they’ve been brainwashed. For example, in the movie Gaslight (1944), a man manipulates his wife to the point where she thinks she is losing her mind,” writes Dr Stephanie Sarkis.
Recognizing signs that you may be a victim of gaslighting:
Second guessing. Are you constantly second guessing yourself when talking to this person or questioning your own morals that you wouldn’t have thought twice about otherwise? For example, when this person popped up in my inbox I wouldn’t have thought twice about blocking or just deleting the message if it was a man but, since it seemed to be a woman I was duped into thinking that it was more acceptable or I could trust them more.
Feeling as if you are being too sensitive. Again I cannot emphasize this enough that you must trust your instincts, if you are feeling uncomfortable and your internal alarm bells are ringing- listen to them! Anyone can be a victim of gaslighting or manipulation.
Feeling constantly confused. Another sign that you may be falling victim to gas lighting is when you are constantly confused and second guessing your thoughts and opinions.
1. Trust your instincts (I’m going to reiterate this, always trust your gut feeling, if you feel like you are uncomfortable whether it’s a situation you are in or if you don’t have a good feeling while talking to a certain person I advise you exit the chat or don’t answer in the first place.)
2. Never answer to someone whom you don’t know. I will say this was my first and biggest mistake that I have made: allowing this person’s messages into my inbox, and replying to their ridiculous claims and questions. Now that I think about it I don’t even know if this was a woman or not.
3. Set your boundaries! This is probably the most important tip to take away from this article. Setting up your boundaries from the beginning is so important. Whether it is a friend, partner or colleague, if you do not set your boundaries from the beginning of your interaction or relationship with that person; people will not respect your limits and choices later on. Especially if your boundaries have to do with religion, moral compasses, or even specific pet peeves you have. I cannot emphasize how much boundaries matter when it comes to any daily interaction you may have in your daily life.
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Convert Story: To Ask Or Not to Ask, That is the Question
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“How did you convert to Islam” is a question that is commonly asked to those who convert to Islam. While the short answer to this question is, “I said shahada”, the long (and more detailed) answer is one that is commonly expected.
It is important to acknowledge that the majority of “born Muslims” who ask this question do such out of good intentions. For this reason, I wrote this piece out of a place of love and not out of a place of judgment or hatred. While it is important for “born Muslims” to be mindful of how they ask this question, it is equally important for converts to not hold ill will towards born Muslims who ask this question. Due to the fact that Islamophobia is rampant in both the media and political discourse, many “born Muslims” are naturally shocked and emotional when they meet people who accept Islam. Some “born Muslims” have also had limited interactions with converts and therefore, to them, it is not only shocking for them to meet converts, but they are genuinely unaware of certain etiquettes when it comes to asking a convert for his or her story.
In this piece, I am going to write about a pet peeve that is shared among many Muslim converts. While I cannot speak for every single convert, I can say that based on innumerable conversations I have had with fellow converts, there is one thing most of us agree on and it is this; it is rude to ask a convert about his or her conversion story when you haven’t built a relationship with the convert. This piece will explain why many converts consider such a question to be intrusive. The purpose of this article is to better educate the “born Muslim” community on how they can do a better job in support of converts to Islam. In this piece, I will break down the reasons why this question can come off as intrusive if it isn’t asked in a proper manner. I will also include personal anecdotes to support my position.
I would like to conclude by saying that I do not discourage “born Muslims” from asking this question entirely, rather I am merely arguing that this question should be asked with the best of adab.
Prophet Muhammad (ﷺ) said: “Part of a person’s being a good Muslim is leaving alone that which does not concern him.” (Tirmidhi) For this reason, such a question should be asked for purpose and it should be done with the best of manners. This is supported by the fact that Prophet Muhammad (ﷺ) said, “I have been sent to perfect good character.” (Al Muwatta)
Note: For the sake of avoiding confusion, the term “born Muslim” is defined as anyone who was brought up in a Muslim household.
To ask a convert “Why did you convert?” is to ask about the person’s personal relationship with God
Within the context of a friendship, it is generally understood that friends will share personal details with each other. However, it is also generally understood that it is rude to ask people you just met personal questions. To ask a new acquaintance a personal question in most cases comes off as intrusive. This is especially the case in which you ask a person about his or her relationship with God.
For example, there are women who do not wear hijab. Even if we do (for a moment) ignore the Islamic ruling concerning hijab, we should all agree that a woman’s reason for wearing (or not wearing) hijab is a personal matter that is between said woman and God. If one was to ask a woman who doesn’t wear hijab why she doesn’t wear it, that would be intrusive because such a question would involve interrogating said woman about her relationship with God.
Another example concerns a married couple. If one was to meet a married person for the first time, it can be considered rude to ask said person about his or her relationship with his or her spouse.
When one asks a convert about his or her choice to convert, one is literally asking said convert about his or her relationship with God.
I am not saying that it is wrong in all cases to ask such a question. However, one should be mindful of the fact that because this is a personal question, one should have at least have built some form of a friendship with said person before asking.
To ask a convert “Why did you convert?” is another way of asking, “Why do you believe in Islam?”
Many people identify to a faith tradition because it was part of their upbringing. If you were to ask a person who was born Muslim, “why are you Muslim?” you might hear said Muslim respond with, “I am Muslim because I was raised Muslim” and you wouldn’t hear a detailed answer beyond this.
In most cases, a convert to Islam (or any other religion) did such after research and critical thinking. To convert to a new religion involves not only deep thinking but a willingness to step into the unknown.
I have on many occasions told my story to people. In most cases I will ask the person “why do you believe in Islam?” I am then disappointed when I find out that the only reason the person is Muslim is due to upbringing. While I am not saying that said person’s faith is invalid or less than mine, a person who only identifies with a religion due to upbringing is a person who didn’t engage in critical thinking.
Any relationship should be built upon equality and mutual benefit. If I as a convert am able to provide a well thought out answer as to why I believe in Islam, I expect a well thought out answer to the same question from the person who initially asked me.
Again, while I am not saying it is wrong in all cases to ask, a born Muslim should ask himself or herself “why do I believe in Islam?” In my opinion, there are many who are born into Muslim families who don’t truly believe until later in their lives. Those Muslims in my opinion (and mine alone) are similar to converts.
To ask a convert “Why did you convert?” is to ask the convert to perform labor.
In some cases, “born Muslims” expect converts to tell their stories. I can remember a few incidents in which I have been asked to tell my story and I politely declined. In response, the person became angry. This to me is a symptom of entitlement. Nobody is entitled to know anything about anyone else (aside from people with whom one has a natural relationship with).
In addition, one should be cognizant of the fact that converts typically get asked this question repeatedly. Thus after a significant amount of time, a convert is prone to get tired of repeating the same question over again repeatedly. Naturally, it can become exhausting eventually.
While I do not believe it is wrong to ask this question in all cases, one should not ask this question to a convert from a place of entitlement. I can think of cases where I have been asked this question by “born Muslims” and when I have refused to provide an answer, they have gotten angry at me. This is entitlement.
To ask a convert “Why did you convert?” is to ask the convert to explain his or her personal life.
Backbiting is one of the worst sins in Islam. Another major sin is to disrespect one’s parents. Thus we can conclude that backbiting about one’s parents is a huge sin.
This is evidenced by the fact that Allah has said (ﷻ) “We have enjoined on humankind kindness to parents.” (Quran 29:8)
A typical follow-up question to “Why did you convert?” is “How did your parents react?” This in many cases puts the convert in a position where one may feel pressured to mention some negative details about his or her parents. In Islam, parents are to be respected, even if they aren’t Muslim.
Before asking a convert this question, one should be mindful of not putting unnecessary pressure on the convert to commit this injustice.
Cases when it is appropriate to ask
However, I do maintain a firm belief that in any true friendship, things will be shared. I don’t think it is wrong in itself to ask a convert about his or her story provided that there already exists a relationship where personal information can be shared. It is highly suggested to hang out with the person first and then ask the convert for his or her story.
As a personal rule of mine, unless I have hung out with the person one on one at least once (or a few times in group gatherings) I don’t tell any born Muslims my conversion story. Naturally, I only share personal details with people I consider to be a friend. If I would hang out with the person, I consider that person to be a friend.
The reason I am also hesitant to share my story with just anyone who asks me is because I can think of countless cases of when I have shared my story to people I have never seen or heard from again. I choose to exert my agency to share personal details of my life to people who I consider to be part of my life. While many Muslims are happy when people convert, many Muslims also fail to provide any form of support for said convert after conversion. I have seen too many cases of when a person recites shahadah, people pull their phones out to record it, but very few will give the convert his or her number. I genuinely believe that many “born Muslims” fail to see the big picture in this regard.
Before asking a convert for his or her story, you should ask yourself if you are comfortable sharing personal details of your life to that person. If you are not comfortable sharing personal details of your life to that person, there is nothing wrong with that. However, you shouldn’t expect the convert to share personal details if you aren’t comfortable sharing personal details. Even if you have built a close friendship with someone, you still aren’t expected to share every detail of your life to someone. Even if you consider a convert to be a close friend, you should still respect a convert’s wishes to not share his or her story.
While I have addressed concerns about the tendency of “born Muslims” to ask converts about their journeys, I want to acknowledge that most people have good intentions. In Islam, the natural state of any person is one of righteousness.
I firmly believe that a friendship that isn’t built on trust and the sharing of personal information isn’t a genuine friendship. Therefore the key term in this context is “friend”. If you wish to ask a convert his or her story, please make sure the following conditions are met:
- You are already friends with the convert to a point where asking a convert about his or her relationship with God isn’t an intrusive question. Ask yourself, “Are we close enough where we can share other personal details of our lives with each other?”
- You have a well thought out reason as to why you believe in Islam.
- You don’t feel entitled to know about the convert’s journey and that you will allow the convert to choose not to share such information if the convert doesn’t wish to.
- You don’t probe into the convert’s relationships with other people.
- You aren’t just asking the question to somehow feel validated about your belief in Islam.