Connect with us

#Life

10 for 20 at 40 – Ten Pieces of Advice I’d give to my Twenty-Year Old Self Now that I’m Forty

Avatar

Published

on

Forty is a special age. It’s the quintessential age of mid-life. It’s older than ‘young’, but younger than ‘old’. It’s an age where one has typically finished jumping all the hoops that society and education and starting a family require, and where one now looks forward to thinking about the major accomplishments of life, and the legacy that one wishes to leave.

The Quran mentions forty as the age of reaching full maturity: “Until, when (man) reaches his maturity (ashudd), and reaches forty years of age, he says, ‘O My Lord! Allow me to thank the blessings that you have bestowed on me, and on my parents, and that I perform good deeds that are pleasing to you, and make my children righteous as well. Truly, I repent unto You, and are of those who submit totally to you” [Ahqāf; 15].

No wonder, then, that our Prophet Muhammad ṣallallāhu 'alayhi wa sallam (peace and blessings of Allāh be upon him) actually began receiving inspiration and preaching his message at the age of forty. For forty years, he was merely being prepared for the real purpose of his mission: the call to Allah.

This is the year that I reach that important milestone of life. I do not know what the future holds for me, although of course I have my visions and plans. But it seems fitting for me to pause and reflect upon the last four decades of my life, and ponder over its ups and downs.

I remember vividly many of my thoughts and emotions when I was twenty. It was exactly twenty years ago that I graduated from the University of Houston, and left for the Islamic University of Madinah, beginning a new phase of my life. I began thinking, “If I could, somehow, give my younger self some advice; if I could address the young man of twenty, now that I am forty, and hope that he would listen to my advice, what would I tell him?”

These are the top ten things that came to mind. I hope those of you who are still in their twenties (and perhaps some of you who are older!) will benefit from it.

1) Don’t be so certain about your opinions and views.

Arrogance and cockiness define teenage years, and a young man (or woman) at twenty really is just a teenager, plus one. Views about how to live, about interpretations of religion, about how you would do things differently than everyone else in the world – those views typically stem from a naïve and inexperienced view of the world. You will realize that over-enthusiasm and strongly held opinions are the quintessential signs of being young. Don’t judge others who disagree with your views too harshly: you just might find yourself holding those same views a few years or decades down the line!

2) The most important source of practical knowledge is life itself.

Continuing from the last point, realize that the single greatest source of wisdom is learnt by living life itself. No matter how many lectures you attend, or books you read, or how deeply you contemplate or think, nothing substitutes the wisdom gained from simply experiencing the world around you. In order to be a good spouse, you need to learn to navigate the ups and down of a marriage. In order to be a good parent, you need to have your own children and learn to take care of them throughout their stages of childhood. In order to be a good human, you need to experience the good and bad of humanity.

‘Facts’ from books are great, but they must be shaped and seasoned and tested on the playground of life. Appreciate that you might not be in the best shape to judge everything, especially since you might not have experienced those things before. Through experience, and trial and error, one’s methods for dealing with all types of problems are refined.

A corollary of this piece of advice (and if I had more than ten in this list, this would be number eleven) is: Respect and benefit from those older than you. Perhaps you know more than an elder about a certain matter (or, to phrase it more precisely: perhaps you think you know more than them about a certain matter), but no matter how knowledgeable you are about quantum mechanics, or investigating sahih hadiths, or understanding the latest psychological theories from your textbooks, you simply cannot match the wisdom of your grandmother when it comes to navigating the intricacies of human interactions and raw emotions.

3) Friends come and go; family stays.

Many young men and women act as if their friends are more important than their family. They will show more concern about hurting their friend’s feeling than their family’s. Much of the conflict at that age, in fact, comes from the frictions of interacting with and arbitrating between family and friends. Yet, as anyone older than you can tell you, your friends are not a permanent fixture of your life. They will come and go into and out of your room of life, and every few days or months or years, you will look around that room and realize that an entirely different set of friends are standing where once another batch stood. But, lurking in the background, never actually disappearing (until death!) are your family members. These are the permanent fixtures in your room of life, not your set of friends.

True, problems with parents, siblings, uncles and aunts, cousins and so forth are extremely painful, and all families have their internal disputes and major problems. It is absolutely normal to have intra-family fights (particularly, for some bizarre reason, during and concerning marriages!). And it is normal, although not Islamic, to go for long periods with minimal or no contact with close family members. Yet, in the end, blood is thicker than anything else, and you will always be connected with family. Time heals all wounds, and even the worse of family arguments are healed (thankfully, family tragedies or celebrations act as catalysts in that regard). So never overlook your family for the sake of friends.

Having said that, and on a more cheerful note, in all likelihood the best set of friends you’ll ever have are your college friends. College friends will always have a special status in your life, maybe because you were all young and lonely and single and naïve and at the prime of your youths, thrown together due to circumstances beyond your control, facing the ups and downs of a new environment away from home. Or maybe that special bond is the result of some type of unstudied scientific byproduct of the hundreds of times you all had to eat takeout pizza late at night and share cheap Chinese food together. Whatever the reasons – banal or mystical – no set of friends will have the status of college friends. But once again: even they will go out of your lives, some never to be seen again, others once every few decades, and a small handful with whom you’ll remain in touch with forever.

One final comment about families: make sure you soak in as many memories as you can from your family elders, because you never know how long they will be with you. One of my greatest regrets in this department is that I didn’t get to know my grandmother as well as I could have. I never met two of my grandparents; a third died when I was only ten. It was only my paternal grandmother (who lived with us until she passed away, when I was twenty-two) that I got to know somewhat. But as a teenager, I would always be irritated when she began reminiscing of the ‘old days’. I would internally cringe every time she began a story that I had already heard a hundred times, yet I would still have to pretend as if each time were new to me. I never cared to ask her for more stories, or more details. ‘When will she stop!?’ I would internally ask myself as I fretted to get back to my TV show or college homework. It was only after I matured, and she and everyone of her generation passed on, that I truly realized my loss. How I wish now that I could have learnt more about her, and her childhood. She talked to us of British soldiers in her village, of her parents and in-laws (my great-grandparents), of the ways of purdah in rural India, of distant relatives long gone from this world, of incidents that took place almost a century ago, and of the interesting customs of the time. Now that she has been gone for two decades, I vividly remember much of what she said, but I wish for so much more. How I wish I had quizzed her for more details, more incidents, more stories. Now that I reflect upon her stories, there are so many unanswered questions: questions that I never bothered to ask because at the time, I really didn’t care to know, but now, have no answers to because I didn’t care to ask them.

4) Habits developed now typically stay with you.

I have had the great fortune (or misfortune!) of studying twenty-two years continuously as a student at various universities (two undergraduate degrees and four graduate). What I found remarkable was that the habits I developed while studying for my very first degree pretty much stayed with me throughout my two decades of study (with, of course, modifications and developments). And the same went for my routines and other life-habits: how I dealt with early marital spats dictated my future navigation; how I reared my first child influenced my later habits with my other children, and so forth. True, I picked up some habits along the way (I never drank caffeine early on in my life; now, I am addicted to one freshly-brewed quality tea every morning, and one freshly-ground espresso drink every afternoon), and dropped others (I used to love sleeping on the floor, and felt it gave me a better sleep – obviously that is a habit that only single people can practice!), but by and large, my ‘routine’ and lifestyle has remained the same.

Hence, be extra vigilant of your habits at this age, and realize that the hard work and good habits that you incorporate earlier in your life will help you throughout the rest of your life. It is easier to develop good habits at a younger age than to drop bad ones later on in life.

5) Take advantage of your health and energy while you can!

Wisdom and maturity might increase as you age from twenty to forty, but alas, strength and power does not! Looking back at those years, I can’t believe how much energy I had. I could get by on small quantities of food (or even skip meals without any adverse effect); didn’t require much sleep; had no trouble falling asleep; and could rough out the worst of conditions. I took my health completely for granted.

How much energy I had! Looking at people older than me, and seeing their aches and pains and arthritis and diseases, it never occurred to me that each and every one of those elders was at one point in their lives as young and vibrant as I was. I could never imagine myself with those problems.

Yet, as the years turn into decades, slowly but inevitably time begins to catch up, and you no longer can be as vigorous, as vivacious, as energetic, as you once were. Knee joints begin to hurt, back pains become more common, sleep becomes an issue, you can no longer skip meals so easily ….and the list goes on, and continues to grow, year by year.

Indeed, it was none other than our Prophet ṣallallāhu 'alayhi wa sallam (peace and blessings of Allāh be upon him) who reminded us to take advantage of our youth before we become old.

6) You’ve all heard of the adage ‘time flies’. Life will teach you how true that really is.

I have such vivid memories of those years, and yet they seem so far away. At times, when I recall memories from those years, I am startled to realize that fifteen or twenty or twenty five years have passed since then. How could two decades have gone by so quickly? Where did that time all go?!

And I know that as I grow older, I will also look back at these very years that I am currently living in in the same way.

Do not procrastinate what needs to be done today until tomorrow. You want to fill up your time with matters that will benefit you religiously, and worldly. Accomplish much, aim high, get things done, and you will live a full and wonderful life. Waste time, and you will end up watching the years fly you by as you stand bankrupt of any lasting good. The choice is yours.

7) Life will get tougher, not easier.

We tend to exaggerate our problems at a younger age, thinking that no one has it worse than us. Looking back, I am now amused at what I considered to be ‘huge’ problems (the first time my first car broke down, I quite literally felt as if my life had come to a halt!). For those of us who live in stable family environments, away from war zones, with adequate financial stability (meaning: we will not starve to death no matter what happens), it is a very safe bet to say that the most painful problems of our lives are yet to come.

I say this not to make our young men and women depressed, but to make them put things into perspective. One of the most painful moments of most people’s lives comes when they see their children extremely sick or in some type of threat. At that moment, nothing that has ever happened to you as a twenty-year old could ever have been a serious problem. So, when you are tense about that exam or having missed a paper assignment or going through a tough patch with someone whom you love, take a deep breath, and realize that life is not all that bad!

8) The single most important decision of your entire life will probably be made in this decade: the choice of a spouse.

I cannot imagine a decision that will have more impact on the entire rest of your life than choosing the partner whom you intend to spend the rest of your life with! Your careers may easily change, and the field that you initially studied for typically becomes a launching pad into an entirely different trajectory. However, ‘changing’ spouses is not something that anyone willingly undergoes, and choosing a life-partner will have an immediate and a long-term effect on you. It will influence your character, shape your religion, bring you untold happiness and sadness and joys and pains, affect the genes of your progeny, and dictate the nature of the rest of your life (and even afterlife).

As a person who was going into Islamic studies, I knew that I needed to find a life partner who would be willing to sacrifice much for me. I am very fortunate to have been blessed with a wife who has always supported me in my efforts, and I am extremely grateful to Allah that I have ‘my Khadija’! But I can honestly say that many, many of my friends who wanted to become students of knowledge or otherwise benefit their communities, were forced to abandon their plans because of spousal issues. And the same goes for other choices that you will have to make: spouses must sacrifice for each other, and who sacrifices what for whom will decide the both of your fates.

So, be picky, and look at the most important criterion: character. Beauty truly is skin deep, and what really counts is good manners and religion. When you are all alone with your spouse, with absolutely no one to help or support you, nothing will bring about a better relationship than the both of you fearing Allah for the consequences of your actions.

9) Your obnoxious behavior will come back to haunt you, while your love and kindness will always benefit you.

Sadly, people (especially family) don’t forget. Yes, they might forgive, but they don’t forget. If you hurt someone, or do something stupid or rude, it will always be remembered, and occasionally brought up. One harsh incident might cost you an entire relationship,

As Maya Angelou said, “I’ve learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.” One incident in which you humiliated a friend, or were caustic to a family member, will always affect your future with that person. And an incident where you showed your mercy, or kindness, can win over someone as a true ally for as long as you live.

So be wise, don’t act rashly, and err on the side of mercy.

10) No one – and I mean no one – will ever love you, or care for you, or be as concerned for your welfare, as your parents. Cherish them in every way possible for as long as you have the opportunity to do so.

It is one of the saddest aspects of growing up that children, and especially teenagers, treat their parents in a rude manner. We are all familiar with the Quranic and prophetic commandments regarding good treatment of parents. Unfortunately, for many of us, those commandments do not seep into our hearts at a young age (and for a few unlucky ones, never!).

I have said many times in my talks, “You will never understand the love of your parents until you become a parent yourself, and it is only then that you will realize all that they did for you, they did out of love.” Even if you don’t have children of your own, however, try your best to give them the love and kindness that they deserve, and honor them with kindness.

It is true that all of us are at times extremely frustrated with parental expectations, or parental advice and rebukes, but our religion teaches us to control that anger and not express it verbally. ‘Zip it up!’ I advise my own teenager when I see he is about to get irritated with his mother (or me!). ‘Talk to us when you’ve calmed down. It’s okay to feel angry, it’s not okay to show it.’ (Alas, that advice doesn’t always work on him!!).

No one knows how long one’s parents will be around; take advantage of their presence, to earn your place in Paradise, and to have the best memories of serving them for as long as you live as well.

Now that I’ve passed this milestone, I ask Allah that He blesses me and my family to see many more positive milestones in my life and in theirs.

O Allah! Allow me to be thankful to you for all that you have bestowed upon me, and upon my parents! Bless me to continue to do good deeds that are pleasing to you! And make me from your righteous and beloved servants! Ameen.

 

 

[Note: for those of you forty and above, what advice would you want to give to our younger readers? And for those of you in your twenties: what advice on this list resonated most for you, and why? Leave a comment with your wisdom below!]

Sh. Dr. Yasir Qadhi is someone that believes that one's life should be judged by more than just academic degrees and scholastic accomplishments. Friends and foe alike acknowledge that one of his main weaknesses is ice-cream, which he seems to enjoy with a rather sinister passion. The highlight of his day is twirling his little girl (a.k.a. "my little princess") round and round in the air and watching her squeal with joy. A few tid-bits from his mundane life: Sh. Yasir has a Bachelors in Hadith and a Masters in Theology from Islamic University of Madinah, and a PhD in Islamic Studies from Yale University. He is an instructor and Dean of Academic Affairs at AlMaghrib, and the Resident Scholar of the Memphis Islamic Center.

85 Comments

85 Comments

  1. Avatar

    Hassan

    June 2, 2015 at 12:49 PM

    Salaam. May Allah give you many more 40 years on earth with health and emaan. Are you turning 40 solar calendar or lunar?

    • Avatar

      Nasra

      September 6, 2015 at 12:36 AM

      Hamdillah,this is so nice.I’m not 20,im 18,but this helps alot!best advice is the one related to family and their most important..inshAllah I’ll always keep that in mind !Jazikallahu khair for this !

  2. Avatar

    Hassan

    June 2, 2015 at 12:57 PM

    Salaam again. I firmly believe that Allah has plans for us and they play out for our benefit if we are sincere. Any change in your thinking/circumstance may not have ended you here where you are. Yes, in hindsight we regret over-zealousness of 20 year old man, but imagine if it was not there, we may have ended up having a PhD Yasir Qadhi in Chemical Engineering working at Saudi Aramco and listening to Nouman Ali Khan and regretting that he did not go into Islamic Studies.

  3. Avatar

    khatam khan

    June 2, 2015 at 2:03 PM

    Salaam, your article brought me to tears both happy and sad. Many times we reminisce about what better we could have done esp when hitting or nearing forty! I only hope inshallah I can give sound advice to my children and ask Allah to guide to them in all that they do and bless my parents for their hard work and sacrifices.

  4. Avatar

    Irfan

    June 2, 2015 at 2:14 PM

    May Allah give you a blessed and long fruitful life. May Allah give us taufeeq to please him. Ameen.

  5. Avatar

    Nida

    June 2, 2015 at 3:27 PM

    I am in my twenties and I am exactly as you describe above. What resonated most with me is that I am not as grateful and gracious to my parents as I should be and I am very stubborn about my views when I should infact take what my elders advise me into serious consideration. This article was an eye opener for me.

  6. Avatar

    Maryam

    June 2, 2015 at 3:37 PM

    ALHAMDULILLAH ,your atticle is so inspiring . Please can I use this opportunity to ask a question. We as human are always asked to plan ahead and set a goal for the future but I observed that all through my life Allah has always set my life towards a different direction in all my endeavor . I don’t know whether to keep praying and leave everything to Allah because sometimes I feel my heart is always deceiving me. Please what advice can you give to me Dr. Yasin?

    • Avatar

      sofiat

      June 2, 2015 at 5:37 PM

      Salam alaykum.
      Jazakallah khairan ford write up.
      pls, I will like to receive reply to sis Maryam question in my inbox too. thanks.

      • Avatar

        Abdul-Hakeem

        June 3, 2015 at 6:26 AM

        I will also be grateful if I can receive an answer to sister Maryam’s question

      • Avatar

        Maryam

        October 4, 2015 at 7:42 AM

        Assalamu alaikum! Me too.

    • Avatar

      Ali

      June 4, 2015 at 4:19 PM

      Walaikum assalam warahmatullahi

      Bismillah.

      It seems to me that Allah (swt) wants you to submit to His Will. He will reward you for all your prayers, dua, and hope you have in Him inshaAllah. But if you resign to His Will, then things will all fall into place. The peace you will get from that — there is no replacement for it.

      For boys like me, that includes the kind of employment you will get. So even if I get a super prestigious degree, I should be happy with an analyst level job rather than team lead/manager.

      Similarly, sisters like you may have something that they have a goal for but there are some traditional realities that will always persist. Also, I think 25 years is a good age when a person does not look at life as “goals” but rather as “tasks”. There are multiple takes on that perspective. It’s about intentions too.

      My younger sister encourages me to do istikhara in all things, even like before going to meet someone, like a professor at school for an important meeting or an employer for an interview. Maybe you can try doing that as well.

      And Allah knows best.

    • Avatar

      sikander

      June 5, 2015 at 4:19 PM

      Ability to plan for future is also given by Allah. So plan for future and pray to Allah to keep you on right path and you get benefits through your plan.

    • Avatar

      Delphine

      June 13, 2015 at 12:58 PM

      The most important lesson to learn is that Allah (swt) knows best for everyone. If you never got what you asked means Allah withheld them for a purpose, for which could destroy us. For Allah gives at the appointed time and can’t be faulted.

  7. Avatar

    Anonymous

    June 2, 2015 at 3:46 PM

    This is a great article but I think for muslim females it is different. I would tell a muslim female or any female to not be so fearful. Try things, do things. If you have a dream that you have worked hard for and poured your soul into then stick with it. Don’t let the naysayers discourage you. Believe in yourself!! I would also tell her find a good spouse when you are young otherwise you could end up like many muslim females single, childless and alone in your 40s and beyond. Its a subject that gets sweeped under the rug. Muslim men always have an easier time finding a spouse.

    • Avatar

      Sadeqa

      June 4, 2015 at 1:39 AM

      I was surprised and pleased to see someone express the point of view of a Muslim woman. I totally agree that this issue is always swept under the rug. The above article is good but it is clearly written from a male perspective (# 8). Looks like Muslims females should limit themselves to be the ‘sacrifice’ for someone else’s life. Why she could not seek the same from her spouse? Or why they can’t support each other? I wonder why Muslim females get some form of respect only as ‘old mothers’ and not as young promising individuals. I also wonder why marriage has taken the form an unequal business deal instead of a loving human relationship. This prevalent attitude in the Muslim society makes it difficult for Muslim females to find a supportive spouse. They are between a rock and a hard place and no one dares to speak about it.

      • Avatar

        Anon

        June 4, 2015 at 10:47 AM

        “And the same goes for other choices that you will have to make: spouses must sacrifice for each other, and who sacrifices what for whom will decide the both of your fates.” He clearly stated that all spouses must do the same. Just because he mentions the sacrifices of his wife, does not mean that he did not sacrifice for her, or that their case is the same for all marriages.

      • Avatar

        Zahra

        June 4, 2015 at 2:08 PM

        You need to go out and do what you want. You can not expect others to change or sympathize with you. I picked-up the pieces. All you need to do is believe in yourself and forget what other think of you. You have Jannah ahead of you inshaaAllah and I know this might not be what you or other sisters want to hear, but remember Allah is there hearing your every call. Allah has the power to accept you dua, but if he did not it is, because of his knowledge of you. Hope for the very best and do not despair in the hope of Allah. :)

      • Avatar

        Rasyad

        July 30, 2019 at 12:35 AM

        Please don’t bring your own ego into Syeikh’s topic. He clearly said both parties should make sacrifice. Salaam.

  8. Avatar

    Abubakar

    June 2, 2015 at 5:48 PM

    Assalamu Alaikum. I will like to start by saying ALHAMDULILLAH WAS SALATU WAS SALAMU ALA RASULILLAH. After that I will like to express my appreciation for this effort of yours JAZAKALLAHU KHAIRAN. I am currently in my 20s and since my early teenage years I have always had a goal to bring change to the system and process of life we muslims live by. I happened to be opportuned by the will of ALLAH to attend your last Lecture at Leeds grand masjid and it was very motivational. After reading this article I come to realize two points(point 1 and point 2) you stated are countering my view. I just want to ask if I am being just an overzealous kid for thinking and hoping to bring change or that my view of life will eventually change as time goes on? May Allah accept and reward your efforts. Aamiin

    • Avatar

      Ali

      June 4, 2015 at 4:25 PM

      Walaikum assalam warahmatullahi wabarakatuhu

      Alhamdulillah wassalaatu wassalam ‘ala Rasulillah.

      MashaAllah it’s good to always have Hope in Allah. I think there just needs to be a balance between idealism and reality. I would never recommend to not be ideal, but I would never recommend to ignore the ground facts.

      And more importantly, the condition of the heart needs to be sound. In other words, can you “feel” your heart and are you spiritual? If not, maybe you need to do istikhara for each task and try to leave things to Allah (swt) than relying on your own ability alone to do things.

      And Allah knows best.

  9. Avatar

    Syeda

    June 2, 2015 at 5:58 PM

    MashaAllah.. Alhumdulilah such a nice article I have read..May Allah guide us, our children and our relatives..Jazakallahu khairan brother Yasir Qadhi for writing this article…It is really inspire me and I will show it to my son , when he will be his twenty In Sha Allah..Now my son is 8 months..May Allah bless you and your family brother Yasir

  10. Avatar

    Numan

    June 2, 2015 at 6:02 PM

    The last 2 points resonated very deeply with me. I ask Allah to preserve sheikh.

  11. Avatar

    Miriam

    June 2, 2015 at 6:29 PM

    Asalamualaykum the entire article was relevant and extremely useful.

  12. Avatar

    Kawthar

    June 2, 2015 at 6:37 PM

    Salam! Each point is exactly what someone in their 20’s needs to hear. The advice that resonated with me the most is 2) The most important source of practical knowledge is life itself. I tend to believe that I am good at certain things I have never experienced, such as being a parent or a wife. Your advice really puts me in my place :) and makes me realize that I should never believe that I am good at something I have yet to experience. I should humble myself, educate myself in preparation, and pray that I will insha’Allah play the role one day in the manner that pleases Allah SWT. Jazzak Allah khair, Sheikh!

  13. Avatar

    Daniel

    June 2, 2015 at 6:54 PM

    asalam alaykum…maa shaa ALLAH every single point of the above ten is remarkable more especially about getting a spouse, family, parents and people’ feelings as a result of ur deed…may ALLAH reward u enormously..ameen

  14. Avatar

    Aaron

    June 2, 2015 at 7:27 PM

    Salaam,

    The parts you said concerning parents struck me. Please make du’a for me that my parents would be pleased with me before Allah calls them unto Him. And that we would all be gathered in Jannah with Rasulullah (S.A.W), the shahabah and all of the righteous. Aamiin.

    As for any addition of advice, I’d say that a combination between youth and experience is the best and unbeatable in shaa Allah.

    I’m gonna give you an example of two soccer teams (I’m not gonna name them). Both intitially had youth and experience in their ranks.

    One of the team, decides to move on and let go of the older players who have experience, and decided to stick with the youth instead.

    The other team decided to stick with ‘the youth and experience policy’. The result?

    The one who decided to stick with the youth and experience policy continues to win trophies and the one who got rid of the older players with expereience had a trophyless drought for around nine years.

    The drought finally ended ( with Allah’s permission of course) after that team decided to bring players with great mentality and experience.

    The practical knowledge for us (IMO) is as youth, we should always reach out to our wiser elders for counsels. Being close to wiser elders will in shaa Allah increase our wisdom, strengthen our mentality, and hold us back from the things we could regret doing in the future.

    I regret some parts of my life where I distanced myself from the elders. When I look back, I guess I was really stupid and gullible back then. And I have yet to achieve anything that I can be proud of by distancing myself from them.

    Only after I try to open myself to them and listen to them, some sense finally returned to me.

    For example, one of the advice they gave me is about discipline. In everything you do you have to be discipline. Skills are useless if u have no discipline to train them etc (that’s how I remember it I think).

    So yes. I would really advise this to any people who are still in teens and twenties.

    When you are young, look to older people for experience. The benefits would be like the things I have said before (and possibly even more in shaa Allah).

    Not doing this, however, you could end up ‘trophyless’ i.e achieving nothing like the team who decided to get rid of experience (unless Allah wills otherwise).

    P.S: Actuallyyy, if we as youth could start to reaaallyy listen to our wise parents when we were kids and consistently do that throughout our lives, we would be spared from a looooooot of trouble in shaa Allah.

    P.S.S: I dare not give examples from the time of the Prophet (S.A.W) or even Qur’anic on this combination of youth and experience because I’m not a scholar. But maybe Shaykh Yasir could do so? :)

    Wallahu a’lam.

  15. Avatar

    Airan Nassir

    June 2, 2015 at 8:44 PM

    First and foremost allow me to thank you from the bottom of my heart for all your hard work brother Yasir ,May Allah (swt) shower you and your family with his mercy and his blessing ,I am so grateful that we have scholars like you,i can’t thank you enough.Every article or every subject that you post i read , enjoy and cherish so much.every piece of advice from you it is a whole world of knowledge to me and to my family and i thank you for that.May Allah (swt) guide us all and protect us all as one unite ummah .we are always looking forward to listen to your advice and guidance thank you thank you and thank you.
    Airan.

  16. Avatar

    Mohammed Jahed Hossain

    June 2, 2015 at 10:49 PM

    I think point 5 was sort of a reminder for me to be more productive with my time, I feel like I waste too much time in social media. I have a question sheikh, when did you how did you and how long did you stay and complete your studies in Medina University? I’m thinking of going there to study, maybe after high school.

    • Avatar

      Alif_haa

      June 4, 2015 at 6:50 AM

      Sheikh talked about it in the program Witness With Waheed. I believe it is on youtube.

  17. Avatar

    N

    June 3, 2015 at 12:32 AM

    Assalamualikum w,
    MashaaAllah Beautiful artical so much to learn from it, I would make dua as I always do for all my teachers that may Allah accept your efforts and may you see the fruit of it in this world and the hereafter abundantly, may Allah bless your kids and spouse and give them the same reward for supporting you, and may Allah make us and our children like you to strive and work hard for our religion solely for His sake. Indeed the acceptance of our actions only depends upon the level of our sincerity towards our maker, may Allah give you more tawfeeq and strength to please your creator, may Allah keep you steadfast until you meet him and us as well.
    جزاك الله خيرا في الدنيا والآخرة

    • Avatar

      Zuhra Ali

      June 3, 2015 at 2:04 AM

      you said it all brother Yasir! haven’t gotten to 40 yet but exactly what you said is what I would have said. I look up to you so much in many things in life. you are my inspiration and mentor. may Allah preserve you increase in knowledge and wisdom, bless you, your family and honor you with the highest station in jannah. Ameen. jazakallahu kheyran brother

  18. Avatar

    Abdulrahman

    June 3, 2015 at 1:42 AM

    Assalamu Alaekum
    Number 10 realy reasons with my current life, My dad passed away 2 months prior my birth and my mother had to bear all the pain & struggle to make my life straight forward Alhamdulillah she managed as i have a strong Islamic background but that came with a cost as my mom did all she could . Now that am 22yrs old am starting to reflect on my past and the love my mam had for me although sometimes i could throw back words at her and feel irritated but now i’m coming to understand why.
    May Allah give her long life and forgiveness and jannah in Akhira in sha Allah.

  19. Avatar

    FaSi SyEd

    June 3, 2015 at 4:14 AM

    Assalamualaikum.
    Brother it was something incredible from you and I believe it’s the best I have learned from you.
    JazakAllahu khairan.

    May Allah swt bless you with more and more true knowledge and wisdom eachday.

  20. Avatar

    yusof

    June 3, 2015 at 5:39 AM

    Salam Sheikh, your advises makes a lot of sense even for me being 33 this year. I will try my best to carry the points to my daughter and hopefully she will learn from them too.

  21. Avatar

    alrayyes

    June 3, 2015 at 8:09 AM

    Just thought I’d throw this quote in here:

    “Forty is the old age of youth; fifty the youth of old age.”

  22. Avatar

    Sameer

    June 3, 2015 at 10:11 AM

    Assalamu alaikum, I sincerely find the entire article ‘a pearl of wisdom’. Now that I’m turning 25, I’ve had few experiences and a bit of learning which allowed me to realize many things (infact each one of the points 1-7). 8,9&10 – wise words indeed..those are the ones I need to concentrate on. But habit developing, parental care and respect, caring more for grandparents -those would resonate in my mind, because I’m already concerned much about that!
    May Allah bless u sheikh in all your endeavours and keep u in the straight path, Assalamu alaikum

  23. Avatar

    Hamze yassin

    June 3, 2015 at 4:40 PM

    M around twenties, I need an advice from the Dr

  24. Avatar

    Malieka

    June 3, 2015 at 6:24 PM

    Assalamu Alaykum

    I was deeply moved by the article. I am 23 and I have realised a few of the points mentioned. Alhumdullilah.

    Firstly, what touched me the most was the advice regarding our parents. I have been blessed with truly amazing parents and I try my best to honour them.:-) Alhumdullilah. I want my parents to be pleased with me so ultimately Allah is pleased with me. And if there is one thing I regret the most is hurting my parents.

    Secondly it is easy for us to judge people from afar, but if we were in that same situation would we do the same thing or something worse… Having the book knowledge and having to put what you learnt into practice is two very different things. Sometimes we need to learn the hard way in order to become learn and stronger.

    Thirdly, life does become harder the older you become. I always thought once I left school my life would become easier. I definitely thought wrong, but Allah gives us the strength to overcome obstacles we never even imagined.

    Lastly, I really do need to work on my habits and other aspects mentioned in the article as well inshaa Allah. I also feel as youth sometimes we are soo scared and obsessed what other people will think about us, we might miss a golden opportunity. Sometimes we need to be brave and take chances. If it was a mistake we need to learn from it. We are human after all and it’s in our nature to make mistakes, but the key is to learn from those mistakes.

    Jazakallah for writing this article. :-) I feel that I really benefitted from it.

    • Avatar

      Umm Arafat

      June 23, 2015 at 6:44 AM

      @Malieka,
      Learning from experience: There is a saying that we all learn from mistakes,
      The smart learn from OTHERS mistakes and the fools learn from their OWN mistakes.

  25. Avatar

    Muhammad Fahreza

    June 3, 2015 at 6:54 PM

    Salaam. Jazakallah khayr for sharing your thought. May Allah rewards you and bless you by Jannah

  26. Avatar

    Atiqul

    June 3, 2015 at 10:46 PM

    Assalamualaikum,

    I would like to express my gratitude, for your valuable advices on life. I am in my thirties and was in need for guidance in life. Without any doubt, your suggestions and advices will be helpful in this regard.

    May the Almighty Allah grants you eternal Blessing and Jannah.

  27. Avatar

    Nusrat

    June 4, 2015 at 12:05 AM

    Salaam Sheikh,
    I would also like to thank you for sharing your wisdom in a humble and loving way. What struck me was your comment about habits. Being recently married, I’m trying to nip some bad habits in the bud — it’s so hard, but I’m really trying, and your words inspire me to keep trying. Jazakallah khair fidunya wal akhirah.

  28. Avatar

    Moeez Ahmed

    June 4, 2015 at 12:49 AM

    As a 22 year old; 2, 3, 5, 7, 10 at this point in my life have really resonated with me. To an extent, where I almost cried because of how much sense they make. I’m really glad that I stumbled upon. Whether it was through divine intervention that I come about this on my own or through mere chance, this was wisdom I really needed to hear. There are tons of self help books that give advice about various predicaments and at this moment I believe the advice Dr. Qadhi has given seems quite fundamental.

  29. Avatar

    Rafi Malik

    June 4, 2015 at 2:50 AM

    Asalamualykum brother in forty ?
    . Masterpiece write up, the line ” a young man (or woman) at twenty really is just a teenager, plus one. ” I found this to be the heart of the write up.

    May Allah swt bless you and me….ameen

    Rafi malik
    Srinagar Kashmir

  30. Avatar

    azimullah ansari

    June 4, 2015 at 3:50 AM

    assalam o alikum. your writ up opens up my past pages of life again. i do not know the exact date and year of birth as i belong to a rural simple society where date hardly matters. but roughly calculated with the major incidents of my parents lives it seems that this year or last year i might have passed this age. but this year many things happened in my life which is unique in many senses. the difficulties i fount next to unbearable which steered me toward finding solution on net and luckily i found a article which suggested seven strategies viz namaz, dua, repentance, etc. this article arouse interest on net an alhamdollilah i found you, mufti ment, green, dr bilal philips and my life changed. though born in muslim family but hardly i had been muslim. i redefined my life and found that i have wasted my almost forty years of life. now i try to find a company of people like you all around which is very hard. i acknowledge that i thrive on the lectures of yours and pray to allah and his mercies. in my youth i considered that i know islam better since i have attended jammia millia islamia, aligarh muslim university and jawaharlal nehru university and faced a lot of religious intricasies. but with the interaction of a new world i found i know nothing about islam. i desire that islam should be made available all the adolescents so that they could realise their potentials. please remember me too in your dua. allah hafiz

  31. Avatar

    Maryam

    June 4, 2015 at 4:31 AM

    Assalamu alaikum. Very insightful article. I would to also have an answer to Maryam’s question (above). May Almighty ALLAH continue to guide you and increase you in knowledge.

  32. Avatar

    Faiza

    June 4, 2015 at 5:44 AM

    Assalamu Alaikum. This is a great advice. I really understood your meaning of ” Your life is not all that bad”. I believe it is always important to truly appreciate all that we have. A warm bed, clothes on our back and a hot meal is something most people do not appreciate. A broken an iphone can cause us to be hysterical by thinking our lives cannot operate well without such things. But coming from a nation where families can barely afford to feed or clothe their children, I always say Alhamdulillah, my life is better than billions of others. The true struggle is to work and improve my relation with Allah swt. I pray that when I turn 40, I wouldn’t look back to 24 and not regret how I spent my years. My struggle at this age is to pray and choose my spouse wisely. As you said, that person will influence and shape my future. May Allah guide us, protect and forgive us. Amin. Thank you Dr Qadhi.

  33. Avatar

    Hawah Ali

    June 4, 2015 at 5:47 AM

    thank you Dr.Yasin I was impressed when you said that you can never know the love of your parents until you become one because I have seen it since am also a parent now . may Allah bless you

  34. Avatar

    Tijjani Rabe

    June 4, 2015 at 7:10 AM

    Assalamu Alaikum.
    Your article is interesting. It reminds me of my younger years, albeit without my parents. You reminded me of my late grand ma who nurtured me from childhood and brought me up after the demise of my parents. may Allah have mercy on them all. I remembered how I considered what I felt was her overbearing attitude. It was when I got married and have my children grew up that I came to terms with her expectations and desire to model my life. By Allah I have noticed all my reactions to her from my child when I am making similar attempts to mould him. May Allah grant her, my parents, and all other Muslim faithfuls Jannatul firdaus. Jazakallah.

  35. Avatar

    Moona

    June 4, 2015 at 7:48 AM

    This was one of the best from you, for the younger ones. You have engraved the words of most parents hearts for their children. This is the norm these days that the children think they know it all. And their attitude towards the adults, they think the older people are from another planet. They hardly want to sit with you & share experiences. What points hit me are 1,3, 4,& 8. The 11 point is also that would benefit the younger generation the most, so to save themselves before loss. Learning from other people’s mistake & experience gives one an edge for the future out come. Blessings.

  36. Avatar

    Dil

    June 4, 2015 at 7:49 AM

    Assalam alaikum, very inspiring article. It got my eyes watery.
    P.s- Since you already got ur ‘Khadija’ seek Aisha and Zainab ☺?(jokes)

  37. Avatar

    Zainab

    June 4, 2015 at 8:14 AM

    Almost each point is so true and practical , but 1st and 8th point are the one I have learned from my life so far. Jazak Allah khair fid duniya wal Akhirah, ustadh for this amazing article.

  38. Avatar

    Anees Hafeez

    June 4, 2015 at 9:03 AM

    Assalamualikum, I really agree with Br. Yasir’s advice, only
    Problem is , it takes us forty years to see the truth. As a grandmother, I still can hear my mother say, you will understand it when you are a mother. The adventurous nature of youth is what gives vibrancy to the world, but this has to be tamed and moulded by advice like Br. Yasir’s. Our youth, our future, listen and follow.

  39. Avatar

    Benjamin Tan

    June 4, 2015 at 10:24 AM

    Salam to you, the blessed author : used your article to reply to my daughter, Salam to you. see http://www.facebook.com/benjamin.tan.33671 – tks a lot.

  40. Avatar

    brother

    June 4, 2015 at 11:21 AM

    Salam,

    I apologise. I’m not always “into” your work (may Allah forgive me). But, with that said, when you grab me, you really grab me & take my heart on a ride – Ma sha Allah.

    May Allah reward you.

  41. Avatar

    hilal

    June 4, 2015 at 1:11 PM

    Nyc article but I really loved the 8th point

  42. Avatar

    Mahamoud

    June 4, 2015 at 1:30 PM

    Thank you very very much brother Yasir for this useful article. May Allah reward you better than it.

  43. Avatar

    Ramona

    June 4, 2015 at 9:25 PM

    Salaams.

    This is one of the most beneficial articles I have ever read. I literally fit under every single point that you have made and it has brought me to tears. I’m going to make a promise to myself about changing my behavior towards my family. Enough is enough, I’ve come way too far with my disobedient ways and now it’s time to turn back. Inshallah with the help of Allah, anything is possible. Jazak’Allah khairun for this amazing article.

  44. Avatar

    Muhammad

    June 5, 2015 at 5:20 AM

    This article resonates so much with me (I’m in my twenties now), i prefer the floor to my mattress and so on… but if i might ask sheihk how can having “two undergraduate degrees and four graduate degree” be a fortune/misfortune ? Because I presently have a B Sc. Computer Sci with two certifications and looking forward to my graduate degree (computing) and another undergraduate (in Islamic Studies) if Allah permits. May Allah increase you in knowledge, wisdom and age Ameen

  45. Avatar

    Abubeker

    June 5, 2015 at 8:46 AM

    I’m 23 now (I feel so old saying it out loud!) and studying in college. For me number 4 ( Habits developed
    now typically stay
    with you.) is the one that really hit home with me. Because, sometimes I feel like I’m being too lazy and when I read your article the idea that I might grow to old age( i.e. forty!)with this habit scared me to death; so jezakellah sheikh for the wakeup call.

  46. Avatar

    Mariam

    June 6, 2015 at 9:13 AM

    Salaams, im 20 and I have to say the bit about the parents and grandparents really hit me hard.
    Im going to visit my grandma right now inshallah!!!

  47. Avatar

    Stephanie Ali

    June 8, 2015 at 6:28 PM

    For the older readers:
    The article is a wonderful tool for those who take advantage of its wisdom. I admire the author of the article and may Allah (SWT) continue to allow us to gain knowledge through him. However, I must comment on my reflections after reading the article. Some of us, as myself are over 40. In my case, I am a few weeks away from forty- four. I found myself feeling like the “different” one because the events and accomplishments on my timeline are not what is considered normal. I started a family and have had 7 children along with 2 failed marriages. If I knew now what I knew then! I have struggled daily with my life choices and continue struggling. But, I am raising Muslim children with beautiful characters, and practicing Islam. I went back to college at the age of 38 and just graduated with a Bachelor’s this May. I have now been accepted to GRAD school. If your time line is not like the article. Don’t give up. Pursue your plans in life. There are road stops and obstacles along the way, (I had a major car accident) but there is room for the “older” student in the classroom or whatever your challenge might be. I have to remind myself that even though over 40, life does not stop; goals are possible, and perseverance must persevere! The Qu’ran states:
    O ye who believe! Persevere in patience and constancy; vie in such perseverance; strengthen each other; and fear Allah; that ye may prosper. 3:200
    So, for those who feel they have detoured from their aspirations or goals, my advise is to continue and put effort into what is meaningful to you. The timeline of life is diverse, so continue your legacy! Don’t feel you have nothing to offer because you are nearing 40 or past 40. There is much you can offer our community. May Allah’s (SWT) blessing be upon you all!

  48. Avatar

    YVARSEE

    June 8, 2015 at 6:34 PM

    Assalam alaykum! Right on the mark, haha XD Very practical indeed MaShaAllah.

  49. Avatar

    Liza

    June 9, 2015 at 10:14 PM

    Salaam,

    This was a very good read. Being in my twenties, two things called out to me. 1. picking one’s spouse and 2. cherishing our parents. As a person looking to get married I am grateful for this advice. Furthermore, thank you for pointing out the significance of our parents and that we may not always understand them but we are required to be by their sides.

    Jazak Allah Khair

  50. Avatar

    Mohammed Rafiq

    June 10, 2015 at 7:14 AM

    As salaam o alaikum, Jazak Allah for the wonderful article. While reading I was feeling the run of the 40 year right in front of me. The irony is the truth is revealed it is just only convincing self to accept it, but alas each one of us fail if not to the same extent. It is only the hidayah of Allah karim can saw one and all from the falsehood. May Allah grant best of both the world to all his creation.

  51. Avatar

    Zubeida Malik

    June 13, 2015 at 6:01 AM

    You TOTALLY hit all the nails on the heads!!!!! Brilliant! I feel exactly the same way. Jazakumullahu khayra. Hope my kids read it with open minds.

  52. Avatar

    Hassan Mahfooz

    June 14, 2015 at 4:25 AM

    Your article brought me to tears

  53. Avatar

    AbuIbraheem

    June 15, 2015 at 12:12 AM

    my 2 cents:
    To younger readers:
    Learn to listen to the wisdom of your parents and elders. If you think you are smart, then smart means you would want to know whats coming in life. The only way to know that (be smart) is to listen to your parents very carefully and rationally. Make your own decisions but take as many advises from your elders as possible. Trust me, you will not regret.

    If you are a parent:
    Make sure you have a relationship with your children as a friend, not as a parent or the boss. It will not work. Only when you have a friendly relation with your own children will they listen to you and trust you. If you act like a boss all the time, they will keep their distance. To earn the respect of your children you must be their friend, not their boss.

    Spouse Selection:
    Couldnt agree more with the Sheikh here. Spouse is the partner that makes or breaks the life.

    My advise to myself when i was 20:
    Fear only Allah, and be fearless.

    Most important thing you can achieve in your life:
    Trust in Allah swt. If you have not achieved this you have failed your life. How to achieve it: DUA, frequent, for everything you want in your life. DUA is your navigation in this life to reach your destination. If you are Dua less you have no navigation.

    jazakAllahukhair

  54. Avatar

    Rabeeya

    June 20, 2015 at 7:35 AM

    May ALLAH reward you with good :)
    it brought me tears
    and gave me a chance to introspect and
    in shaa Allah reform :)

  55. Avatar

    Zainulabideen

    July 2, 2015 at 12:03 PM

    MashaaAllah what a great post !
    May Allah SWT bless Dr Yasir Qadhi and give us the taufeeq to benefit from this advice.
    Ameen suma Ameen

  56. Avatar

    Asma

    July 11, 2015 at 3:02 PM

    Asalam u alaikum….I am about to reach my mid-twenties and I can exactly relate where this is going. I absolutely loved this article. A sincere advise from a grown up which I will cherish forever.

  57. Avatar

    Erim

    July 13, 2015 at 6:25 AM

    Assalam Walekum.I
    This is the first time I have come across a truly inspiring article.I will skype my mother right now.Inshallah.Also quote about family and friends to my older brother and sister.I have not spoken to them for 7 months.Your article has inspired me to take them to Old India and meet all of Our Dear Deceased Father’s living relatives.This will ignite in our hearts trust once again.I see the habit I need to break.I will leave it to Allah willing.Jazakallah.

  58. Avatar

    Hawa

    July 13, 2015 at 5:17 PM

    I once told a sister that she needed to spend more time with her daughter and I will never forget the look on her face -the saddest look. I immediately apologized when I saw how hurt she looked and even went home and baked her a cake but she’s never been as open or close to me as before. If instead, I would of said how smart her daughter was and how much I loved spending time with her, then that would of made our relationship much better and she would of saw the good in spending more time with her daughter. So don’t tell someone something bad about themselves -even though it’s true- unless they ask you or are talking to you about it. Rather, be an example for the good of that bad behavior. You never know what someone is going through.

  59. Avatar

    hmm

    August 30, 2015 at 2:36 AM

    Salam
    how is everybody doing
    just wondering what time is jalsa
    jazakallah
    -brother habibullah

  60. Avatar

    Asif

    October 3, 2015 at 7:32 PM

    JazakAllah khair for this article.

    I’m a 35 you physician and find lots of wisdom in your list. One thing that I would add is below,

    Whenever given the choice between two things, both being apparently permissable, and you are unsure which to choose, choose that which would be most pleasing to Allah (swt).

  61. Avatar

    Ahmad

    October 4, 2015 at 2:29 AM

    Jazakal Allahu khair. What an inspiring article. I am forty but I found it benefitial as I read this loudly to my children who are below thirteen to inspire them. We all enjoy it and thank you so much.

  62. Avatar

    Hannah

    October 12, 2015 at 4:48 PM

    This is a very eloquently and wisely worded post. As I move deeper into my twenties, I find myself collecting different pieces of wisdom from people older than me who have lived and experienced more. Your advice that rings most relevant with me is that of creating good habits now rather than trying to get rid of bad ones later. While it certainly takes practice, I find that being conscious and acknowledging that I need to create stronger habits is a step in the right direction. Thanks for posting such insightful thoughts!

  63. Avatar

    Kamaldeen

    November 18, 2015 at 1:38 PM

    SALLAM alaykum. alhamdullilah for not missing the reflection on this article

  64. Avatar

    Keumala Fadhiela

    November 29, 2015 at 7:49 PM

    Alhamdulillah I am 23 years old. I am very pleased that Allah gives me opportunity to enjoy this life. Spending quality time with family, gathering with friends and beloved person, discussing with lecturer, making interactions with society, and breathing freely are great blessing. Alhamdulillah. I read this article as like as “fire” for my in this early morning. May Allah blesses us everywhere, everytime. Have a fascinating Monday :)

  65. Avatar

    Rose Taylor

    January 3, 2016 at 4:33 AM

    What a beautiful piece. I’m 60 plus now and remember, from the time I became a parent, thinking that had I listened to everything my mum had said, I’d be a better and more successful person now. God bless

  66. Avatar

    Saeed Purcell

    January 5, 2016 at 12:58 PM

    Salaamun ‘Alaykum wa-Rahmatullaah,

    May Allaah preserve you my dear Shaykh, and little brother. At almost 47 years of age I have mulled over many of these same thoughts. If there was one additional point I would add to this list of beneficial advices, it would be SLOW DOWN — patience is truly a magnificent gift, and in this ever quickening world it becomes more and more valuable due to its endangered nature. In all my years, the one thing I feel would have benefitted me most in my ‘youth’ would have been a greater and more essential quality of patience. The Chinese have a saying that runs something like this; the hasty word said in a moment, can having effects which last a thousand years. As always, Allaah knows best.

  67. Pingback: » Makings of an American Muslim Expedition of Love and Mercy

  68. Avatar

    Harun

    May 13, 2016 at 2:46 AM

    I am pleased and have truly learnt something. Thanks Sheik. May Allah continues to bestow His Abundance in all ramifications to you and your entire family. Amin

  69. Avatar

    Abdul-Gafar

    January 9, 2017 at 3:51 AM

    Ma shaa Allah!
    These are priceless words of wisdom!!!

  70. Avatar

    Hindia

    November 30, 2017 at 4:24 PM

    Aselam aleykum werahmetulah weberekatuhu. This is GOLD. 2,3,4&7 spoke to my soul directly. May Allah bless you and muslimmatters.org team many more successful years so we can learn from you. ??

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

#Current Affairs

The Duplicity of American Muslim Influencers And The ‘So-called Muslim Ban’

Dr Joseph Kaminski

Published

on

As we approach the beginning of another painful year of the full enforcement of Presidential Proclamation 9645 (a.k.a. ‘the Muslim ban’) that effectively bars citizens of several Muslim majority countries from entering into the United States, the silence remains deafening. As I expected, most of the world has conveniently forgotten about this policy, which thus far has separated over 3,000 American families from their spouses and other immediate relatives. In June 2019, the Brennan Center of Justice notes that: The ban has also kept at least 1,545 children from their American parents and 3,460 parents from their American sons and daughters. While silence and apathy from the general public on this matter is to be expected— after all, it is not their families who are impacted— what is particularly troubling is the response that is beginning to emerge from some corners of the American Muslim social landscape.

While most Muslims and Muslim groups have been vocal in their condemnation of Presidential Proclamation 9645, other prominent voices have not. Shadi Hamid sought to rationalize the executive order on technical grounds arguing that it was a legally plausible interpretation. Perhaps this is true, but some of the other points made by Hamid are quite questionable. For example, he curiously contends that:

The decision does not turn American Muslims like myself into “second-class citizens,” and to insist that it does will make it impossible for us to claim that we have actually become second-class citizens, if such a thing ever happens.

I don’t know— being forced to choose exile in order to remain with one’s family certainly does sound like being turned into a ‘second-class citizen’ to me. Perhaps the executive order does not turn Muslims like himself, as he notes, into second-class citizens, but it definitely does others, unless it is possible in Hamid’s mind to remain a first-class citizen barred from living with his own spouse and children for completely arbitrary reasons, like me. To be fair to Hamid, in the same article he does comment that the executive order is a morally questionable decision, noting that he is “still deeply uncomfortable with the Supreme Court’s ruling” and that “It contributes to the legitimization and mainstreaming of anti-Muslim bigotry.”

On the other hand, more recently others have shown open disdain for those who are angered about the ‘so-called Muslim ban.’ On June 6th, 2019, Abdullah bin Hamid Ali, a Senior Faculty Member at Zaytuna College, Islamic scholar and the founder of the Lamppost Education Initiative, rationalized the ban on spurious security grounds. He commented that,

The so-called Muslim ban, of course, has us on edge about his potential. But, to be fair, a real Muslim ban would mean that no Muslim from any country should be allowed in the US. There are about 50 Muslim majority countries. Trump singled out only 7 of them, most of which are war torn and problem countries. So, it is unfair to claim that he was only motivated by a hatred for Islam and Muslims.

First, despite how redundant and unnecessary this point is to make again, one ought to be reminded that between 1975 and 2015, zero foreigners from the seven nations initially placed on the banned list (Iraq, Iran, Libya, Somalia, Sudan, Syria, and Yemen) killed any Americans in terrorist attacks on U.S. soil and zero Libyans or Syrians have ever even been convicted of planning a terrorist attack on U.S. soil during that same time period. I do not think these numbers have changed over the last 4 years either. If policy decisions are supposed to be made on sound empirical evidence and data, then there is even less justification for the ban.

Second, Bin Hamid Ali comments that ‘the so-called Muslim ban, of course, has us on edge about his [Trump’s] potential.’ Whoa… hold on; on edge about his potential? For the millions of people banned from entering the United States and the thousands of Muslim families connected to these millions of people, this ‘potential’ has been more than realized. To reduce the ‘so-called Muslim ban’ to just targeting ‘war torn and problem countries’ is to reduce our family members—our husbands, wives, and children—to (inaccurate) statistics and gross stereotypes. Are spouses from Syria or Yemen seeking to reunite with their legally recognized spouses or children any less deserving to be with their immediate family members because they hail from ‘problem countries’? How can one be concerned with stereotypes while saying something like this? Is this not the exact thing that Abdullah bin Hamid Ali seeks to avoid? Surely the Professor would not invoke such stereotypes to justify the racial profiling of black American citizens. What makes black non-Americans, Arabs, and Iranians any different when it comes to draconian immigration profiling? From a purely Islamic perspective, the answer is absolutely nothing.

More recently, Sherman Jackson, a leading Islamic intellectual figure at the University of Southern California, King Faisal Chair in Islamic Thought and Culture and Professor of Religion and American Studies and Ethnicity, also waded into this discussion. In his essay, he reframed the Muslim ban as a question of identity politics rather than basic human right, pitting Muslim immigrants against what he calls ‘blackamericans’ drawing some incredibly questionable, nativist, and bigoted conclusions. Jackson in a recent blog responding to critiques by Ali al-Arian about his own questionable affiliations with authoritarian Arab regimes comments:

Al-Arian mentions that,

“the Muslim American community seemed united at least in its opposition to the Trump administration.”  He and those who make up this alleged consensus are apparently offended by Trump’s so-called Muslim ban.  But a Blackamerican sister in Chicago once asked me rhetorically why she should support having Muslims come to this country who are only going to treat her like crap.

These are baffling comments to make about ‘Trump’s so-called Muslim ban.’ Jackson creates a strawman by bringing up an anecdotal story that offers a gross generalization that clearly has prejudiced undertones of certain Muslim immigrants. Most interesting, however is how self-defeating Jackson’s invocation of identity politics is considering the fact that a large number of the ‘blackamerican’ Muslims that he is concerned about themselves have relatives from Somalia and other countries impacted by the travel ban. As of 2017, there were just over 52,000 Americans with Somali ancestry in the state of Minnesota alone. Are Somali-Americans only worth our sympathy so long as they do not have Somali spouses? What Jackson and Bin Hamid Ali do not seem to understand is that these Muslim immigrants they speak disparagingly of, by in large, are coming on family unification related visas.

Other people with large online followings have praised the comments offered by Abdullah bin Hamid Ali and Sherman Jackson. The controversial administrator of the popular The Muslim Skeptic website, Daniel Haqiqatjou, in defense of Jackson’s comments, stated:

This is the first time I have seen a prominent figure downplay the issue. And I think Jackson’s assessment is exactly right: The average American Muslim doesn’t really care about this. There is no evidence to indicate that this policy has had a significant impact on the community as a whole. Travel to the US from those four countries affected by the ban was already extremely difficult in the Obama era.

What Haqiqatjou seems to not realize is that while travel from these countries was difficult, it was not as ‘extremely difficult’ as he erroneously claims it was. The US issued 7,727 visas to Iranian passport holders in 2016 prior to the ban. After the ban in 2018, that number dropped to 1,449. My own wife was issued a B1/B2 Tourist visa to meet my family in 2016 after approximately 40 days of administrative processing which is standard for US visa seekers who hold Iranian passports. On the other hand, she was rejected for the same B1/B2 Tourist visa in 2018 after a grueling 60+ day wait due to Presidential Proclamation 9645. At the behest of the Counselor Officer where we currently live, she was told to just finish the immigration process since this would put her in a better position to receive one of these nearly impossible to get waivers. She had her interview on November 19, 2018, and we are still awaiting the results of whatever these epic, non-transparent ‘extreme vetting’ procedures yield. Somehow despite my wife being perfectly fine to enter in 2016, three years later, we are entering the 10th month of waiting for one of these elusive waivers with no end time in sight, nor any guarantee that things will work out. Tell me how this is pretty much the same as things have always been?

What these commentators seem to not realize is that the United States immigration system is incredibly rigid. One cannot hop on a plane and say they want to immigrate with an empty wallet to start of Kebab shop in Queens. It seems as if many of these people that take umbrage at the prospects of legal immigration believe that the immigration rules of 2019 are the same as they were in 1819. In the end, it is important to once again reiterate that the Muslim immigrants Jackson, Bin Hamid Ali and others are disparaging are those who most likely are the family members of American Muslim citizens; by belittling the spouses and children of American Muslims, these people are belittling American Muslims themselves.

Neo-nationalism, tribalism, and identity politics of this sort are wholly antithetical to the Islamic enterprise. We have now reached the point where people who are considered authority figures within the American Islamic community are promoting nativism and identity politics at the expense of American Muslim families. Instead of trying to rationalize the ‘so-called Muslim Ban’ via appeals to nativist and nationalist rhetoric, influential Muslim leaders and internet influencers need to demonstrate empathy and compassion for the thousands of US Muslim families being torn apart by this indefinite Muslim ban that we all know will never end so long as Donald Trump remains president. In reality, they should be willing to fight tooth-and-nail for American Muslim families. These are the same people who regularly critique the decline of the family unit and the rise of single-parent households. Do they not see the hypocrisy in their positions of not defending those Muslim families that seek to stay together?

If these people are not willing to advocate on behalf of those of us suffering— some of us living in self-imposed exile in third party countries to remain with our spouses and children— the least they can do is to not downplay our suffering or even worse, turn it into a political football (Social Justice Warrior politics vs. traditional ‘real’ Islam). It seems clear that if liberal Muslim activists were not as outspoken on this matter, these more conservative voices would take a different perspective. With the exception of Shadi Hamid, the other aforementioned names have made efforts to constrain themselves firmly to the ‘traditional’ Muslim camp. There is no reason that this issue, which obviously transcends petty partisan Muslim politics, ought to symbolize one’s allegiance to any particular social movement or camp within contemporary Islamic civil society.

If these people want a ‘traditional’ justification for why Muslim families should not be separated, they ought to be reminded that one of al-Ghazali’s 5 essential principles of the Shari’a was related to the protection of lineage/family and honor (ḥifẓ al-nasl). Our spouses are not cannon fodder for such childish partisan politics. We will continue to protect our families and their honor regardless of how hostile the environment may become for us and regardless of who we have to name and shame in the process.

When I got married over a year prior to Donald Trump being elected President, I vowed that only Allah would separate me from my spouse. I intend on keeping that vow regardless of what consequences that decision may have.

Photo courtesy: Adam Cairns / The Columbus Dispatch

Continue Reading

#Life

Raising A Child Between Ages 2-7 | Dr Hatem Al Haj

Dr. Hatem El Haj M.D Ph.D

Published

on

children drawing crayons

This is called a pre-operational period by Jean Piaget who was focused on cognitive development.

Children this age have difficulty reconciling between different dimensions or seemingly contradictory concepts. One dimension will dominate and the other will be ignored. This applies in the physical and abstract realms. For example, the water in the longer cup must be more than that in the shorter one, no matter how wide each cup is. Length dominates over width in his/her mind.

Throughout most of this stage, a child’s thinking is self-centered (egocentric). This is why preschool children have a problem with sharing.

In this stage, language develops very quickly, and by two years of age, kids should be combining words, and by three years, they should be speaking in sentences.

Erik Erikson, who looked at development from a social perspective, felt that the child finishes the period of autonomy vs. shame by 3 years of age and moves on to the period of initiative vs. guilt which will dominate the psycho-social development until age 6. In this period, children assert themselves as leaders and initiative takers. They plan and initiate activities with others. If encouraged, they will become leaders and initiative takers.

Based on the above, here are some recommendations:

In this stage, faith would be more caught than taught and felt than understood. The serene, compassionate home environment and the warm and welcoming masjid environment are vital.

Recognition through association: The best way of raising your kid’s love of Allah and His Messenger ṣallallāhu 'alayhi wa sallam (peace and blessings of Allāh be upon him) is by association. If you buy him ice cream, take the opportunity to tell them it is Allah who provided for you; the same applies to seeing a beautiful rose that s/he likes, tell them it is Allah who made it. Tell them stories about Prophet Muhammad ṣallallāhu 'alayhi wa sallam (peace and blessings of Allāh be upon him). Statements like: “Prophet Muhammad was kinder to kids than all of us”; “Prophet Muhammad was kind to animals”; ” Prophet Muhammad loved sweets”; ” Prophet Muhammad helped the weak and old,” etc. will increase your child’s love for our most beloved ṣallallāhu 'alayhi wa sallam (peace and blessings of Allāh be upon him).

Faith through affiliation: The child will think, “This is what WE do, and how WE pray, and where WE go for worship.” In other words, it is a time of connecting with a religious fraternity, which is why the more positive the child’s interactions with that fraternity are, the more attached to it and its faith he/she will become.

Teach these 2-7 kids in simple terms. You may be able to firmly insert in them non-controversial concepts of right and wrong (categorical imperatives) in simple one-dimensional language. Smoking is ḥarâm. No opinions. NO NUANCES. No “even though.” They ate not ready yet for “in them is great sin and [yet, some] benefit for people.”

Promote their language development by speaking to them a lot and reading them books, particularly such books that provoke curiosity and open discussions to enhance their expressive language. Encourage them to be bilingual as learning two languages at once does not harm a child’s cognitive abilities, rather it enhances them.

This is despite an initial stage of confusion and mixing that will resolve by 24 to 30 months of age. By 36 months of age, they will be fluent bilingual speakers. Introduce Islamic vocabulary, such as Allah, Muhammad ṣallallāhu 'alayhi wa sallam (peace and blessings of Allāh be upon him), masjid, Muslim, brothers, salaat, in-sha’a-Allah, al-Hamdulillah, subhana-Allah, etc. (Don’t underestimate the effect of language; it does a lot more than simply denoting and identifying things.)

In this pre-operational period, their ability of understanding problem solving and analysis is limited. They can memorize though. However, the focus on memorization should still be moderate. The better age for finishing the memorization of the Quran is 10-15.

Use illustrated books and field trips.

Encourage creativity and initiative-taking but set reasonable limits for their safety. They should also realize that their freedom is not without limits.

Between 3-6 years, kids have a focus on their private parts, according to Freud. Don’t get frustrated; tell them gently it is not appropriate to touch them in public.

Don’t get frustrated with their selfishness; help them gently to overcome this tendency, which is part of this stage.

Parenting: Raising a Child from Age 0 to 2 | Dr. Hatem Al Haj

Continue Reading

#Life

Reflection On The Legacy of Mufti Umer Esmail | Imam Azhar Subedar

Avatar

Published

on

“An ocean of knowledge which once resided on the seabed of humbleness has now submerged below it, forever.”

“Why didn’t you tell me!! You call me your younger brother, but you couldn’t even tell me you were ailing?!”

I could’ve called you or visited you so I could apologize for all the pain I caused you; thank you for all the good you did for me throughout my life despite all that pain. if nothing else, just so I could say goodbye to you.”

(My selfish mind continued to cry out as I stood in front of his grave— praying.)

As I sat down to compile my thoughts, upon returning home, I put my feelings of loss aside and tried to analyze your decision of not informing me about your illness from a different perspective.

Possibly, your own.

Why would you tell me?

This was just like you. You never wanted to hurt a soul; forget about making them worry about you, augmenting their own worries. For you were the sponge for our worries, the shock absorber of our concerns, and the solid wall that shouldered the pain of those around him.

You weren’t just a big brother, my big brother, you were a true human. A lesson on humanity.

You were always there for me.

“I GOT A QUESTION” sent at 2 AM.

“Sure” was your response.

We spoke for over 40 min.

That night.

Your strength reflected my weakness- always urging me to do better, be more like you.

I was told you were in hospital by a close family member early Friday morning before Jummah prayers. I was supposed to call you. That was my responsibility. However, the preparation of the Friday Sermon was my excuse not to do so.

As I exited from delivering the Friday services, I received a message from you, the one who was spending the last days of his life in a hospital, never to be seen outside of the confines of those walls ever again.

That message you wrote- you knew me so well.

“As-salaam alaikum, I thought you were already American?”

(You were catching up with me as I had become an American citizen the day before. You wanted to congratulate me, without complaining to me.)

“I heard you are in the hospital?! How are you? What’s going on?” I asked immediately.

“Getting some treatment done. Mubarak on your American citizenship” was your response.

Diversion. A stubborn man with a heart of gold. You wanted to celebrate people even at the cost of your own life.

Your last words to me were digital, even though your connection with me spans a lifetime. As much as I wish I had heard your voice one last time, I try to find the beauty in that communication too as I can save and cherish those last words.

We grew up together in Canada in the ’80s- Mufti Umer and I. Our fathers were tight- childhood buddies. He ended up becoming the inspiration for my family to trek towards a path devoted to Islam, beginning with my brother and then myself.

He was my support from the time when I came to England to study at the Dar Al Uloom and wanted to call it quits and go home, to when he hosted me when I visited him in Austin in 2002, all the way till 2019, after I was married and settled with kids he loved like his own.

He visited us here in Dallas and had met them in his unique way of showering them with love. And why wouldn’t he? My wife and I are here under one roof all because of his earnest desire to help people.

He introduced us to each other.

“I want you to marry my younger brother.” A message he sent to my wife over 17 years ago.

She was his student. He was her mentor, support beam, confidante, and best friend. (Well, we all feel like he was our best friend, only because he truly was.)

I am sharing my life story not only because he was an integral part of it, but throughout (he was also a major part of my wife’s life when she really needed him) but because that final text message wrapped it all up- the gift that he was to me and my family. It showed how much he was invested in us as individuals, as a couple, and as a family.

That message wrote:

“I thought you’ve been a citizen since marriage.”

(FRIDAY, AUGUST 30TH @ 3: 07 PM)

This is just my story featuring Mufti Umer Ismail.

I am confident that there are thousands more out there without exaggeration.

I’ll conclude with a word he corrected for me as I misspelled it on my Facebook page a few months ago when Molana Haaris Mirza, a dear colleague, passed away in New York. He didn’t do it publicly, he did it through that same Facebook text messenger that kept us in touch- with love and sincere care for me in his heart.

“As-salaam alaikum the word is Godspeed. Sorry for being [a] grammar freak.”

(MARCH 28TH, 2019 @6: 04 PM)

Godspeed, my dear brother. Godspeed.

Azhar Subedar

imamAzhar.com

Continue Reading

Trending