Dr. O blogs at Muslim Medicine, a site that strives to serve only the freshest grade-A certified ẓabiḥah ḥalāl comedy. Contact your local ḥalāl butcher for more details.
Recently the British Telegraph, known for their excellence in journalism and intrepid reporting about Germans with pencils in their heads and Alien sightings in Britain, posted an article about “How to spot a terrorist living in your neighborhood.”
The article itself is rather long and exhausting to read through, but it does feature a rather funny picture of a random white guy using binoculars to spy on what I can only assume must be Muslims that are up to no good. He does a fantastic job of wearing a black shirt in the middle of clear daylight and manages to use a few twigs, leaves, and a metal rod from a swinging patio chair to cloak himself. Clearly we can already tell from this image that this man is a master of stealth- a British Solid Snake, only more obsessed with gawking creepily at bearded men.
“What is the purpose of that half-filled jug of water next to their toilet seat? It must be something sinister.”
Anyways, the article goes on to list some fun facts about how to spot terrorists in your neighborhood, and what the warning signs are of radicalization, extremism, and fundamentalism. So I decided to take the advice of this fantastic article to heart, and emphasize its warning signs in order to assure that my readers never fall prey to the threat of extremism.
Dr. O proudly presents his reaction to this rather interesting article- “10 things you can do to not be a terrorist.”
1) “…the great majority of terrorists, unsurprisingly, have been Muslim males aged 16-34, a third to a half of whom were unemployed and a significant portion of the rest under-employed. Most were unmarried.“
Do you hear that, you lazy bum? Underemployed single Muslim males aged 16 – 34! That about encompasses 99% of the desperate brothers on online Muslim matrimonial sites, as well as most lazy unemployed Muslim teens who spend as much time playing Call of Duty on XBOX Live as they do disappointing their parents.
This first fun fact is pretty much exactly what your mom and dad always keep telling you- stop bumming around, go to med school, and live a productive life where shallow families aggressively try to marry their daughters to you. You see, keeping busy with a full-time job and having girls’ families chase after you is an excellent means of averting islamophobia- if the FBI starts profiling you, just tell them “I can’t be extreme – my parents forced me to become a doctor instead.”
Oh, and the marriage bit? That’s easy. You see, Muslim men tend to do mischievous things when they’re single- like creepily hang around Islamic Conference lobbies and use Snapchat to send salacious pictures of their beards to unsuspecting sisters. But a married man is a prim, proper, restricted brother who is controlled- a man shackled to a life of no fun and no play, because if he does anything out of the ordinary, his wife will probably slap the wudu off of him.
2) “Essentially, there will be changes in behaviour”
This is so important to follow. Whenever your mother or wife keeps reminding you to change your underwear and take a shower, you need to flat out refuse, because changing your behavior is a sign of extremism. In fact, you should take it a step further- don’t change ANYTHING. Not even your clothes; and when people ask you “how come you don’t brush your teeth?” you say it’s because only a terrorist would wage jihad against cavities and support the mass killing of millions of innocent oral bacteria.
Ironically, not brushing your teeth may also lead to some rather… “extreme” consequences.
3) “A sudden ostentatious insistence on religious ritual, especially in a secular context (demands for prayer rooms where no other religion has them)”
This one’s for you MSA and Isoc-fans out there who love campus prayer rooms. Nothing shouts extremism more than a carpeted den of male testosterone, pungent sock stenches from wet feet, beard hairs intertwined with pocket lint on the floor, stale miswak sticks from 7 semesters ago, and frustrated sisters trying to pray in a section the size of a utility closet. You MSA and Isoc folks need to realize that praying on campus promotes student diversity in faith- so it’s extremism when you do it, but it’s usually fine when the university promotes that same faith diversity for their own marketing purposes.
Fun fact: campus prayer rooms also serve as secondary dorm rooms for ghetto brothers to eat, sleep, change clothes, and live in.
4) “A withdrawal from social interaction with women and disapproval of feminine dress.”
Oh boy… if there’s one thing that Muslim teenage guys can never figure out, it’s how to even engage in human communication with women. You poor awkward souls. Some brothers still have difficulty trying to determine if females are even human and not some sort of alien species that seek shoes and chocolate to sustain themselves.
The article is spot-on with this fact- that socially awkward Muslim guys are just prime material for becoming extremists. Because everyone knows that loser geeks who have no swag and no game are often the most extreme and fundamental at heart. That’s why big angry bearded brothers who harp on and on about sisters being fitnas are often the ones most desperate to just get to know one and marry her instantly.
Because touching a non-family member of the opposite gender is haram, some brothers grow up believing that sisters are barbies made out of plastic.
So my fellow brothers- you need to educate yourselves about women. Because if you don’t know how to communicate with them, then you’re a terrorist. That’s why I’m an expert on sisters, and I know for a fact that all girls are cootie-infected, gross, yucky, also icky, and they all love Justin Bieber and One Direction.
5) “There may be a sudden obsession with physical fitness.”
Well look at you, Mr. Fatty- are you trying to get rid of that Ramadan Belly and trim down so you can slip into that new thoube that you bought for Jummu’ah? Well guess what, every time you lift that dumbbell or do a pushup, you’re becoming a terrorist. Because everyone knows that terrorists are hot male models with ripped 6-pack abs and sculpted muscular physiques that make them the ultimate fitna when they take their shirts off.
Brothers, keep it up- your stubborn fat is the first defense against extremism.
So the next time your mom or your wife start complaining about how fat and lazy you’ve gotten, or how your belly makes pregnant women believe that you’re somehow carrying twins, tell them that you’re fattening up to fight terrorism. Every cheesy nacho chip or oozing triple-chocolate fudge brownie that you mindlessly shovel into your mouth is a defiant blow to extremism.
Fighting terrorism has never felt so delicious.
6) “Someone may adopt traditional Arab dress or abruptly abandon it (so as not to attract attention).“
Nothing says terrorist quite a brother who has a flamboyant passion for fashion. This is especially true for brothers who have a keen interest in Arab-style fashion, because everyone knows that in the fast-paced creative world of fashion design, the biggest extremists are the ones who never change their clothing style- and by the looks of it, most Arab men are still following the hottest Summer trends from 640 AD. What a bunch of hipsters.
Does this thoube make my extremism look big?
According to the article, being discreet about your vaguely non-Western style of fashion is a suspicious warning sign. So fellow men, take a hint from our preppy sisters, and let your fashion speak for you- instead of picking out the same boring drab kufi and thoube, why not mix things up a bit and fight some terrorism by rocking something like this:
Protip- if a brother actually wears this to the masjid, DO NOT pray behind him. When he goes into sujud, you may risk going blind.
7) “They might forbid or avoid music.“
Next to moonsighting and zabiha halal meat, music is one of the top 3 most ridiculously trivial things that Muslims love to incessantly argue about. But one thing’s for sure- this article makes it explicitly clear that anyone who avoids music or forbids others from listening to it is an extremist.
And that’s a very scary thought, because by their logic anyone who listened to Rebecca Black’s Friday and didn’t have their ears bleed is a terrorist. And that goes double for the poor unfortunate souls who have been tortured by Nicki Minaj or the Jonas Brothers.
If you’ve ever wondered why Muslims don’t listen to music, this should help clear that up.
8) “Withdraw from contact with non-Muslims or Muslims who are not extremist“
Brothers who live their whole lives on the internets, this one’s for you. The article asserts that Muslims who withdraw from society are extremists in the making, but ignores the fact that pretty much every single Muslim youth spends about 80% of their life indoors either gaming or surfing the internets. Do you spend more time silently creeping on Facebook than you do physically meeting with friends? If so, then you might be a terrorist.
After weeks of non-interrupted gaming or web surfing, Muslim youths tend to quickly transform into nocturnal vampires who fear going outdoors, lest the bright natural sunlight burns their skin or blinds their eyes:
Once again, your parents know best. GET OFF the internet, shut off your console, and go outside for once. Explore new places, meet new people, appreciate nature’s beauty, and be sure to get religiously and racially profiled as you do all that.
One of the most difficult challenges of being a Muslim youth- having an actual social life.
9) “Collecting jihadi material”
As the article points out, Muslims treat “jihadi material” a lot like Pokemon- we try to collect all 150, but the more ambitious Muslims try to collect all 251 of the Johto Jihadi material.
I’ll trade you 3 holographic Muslim Man cards for your Charizard!
[Wanna see more Muslim Pokemon? Check out iambillal!]
Basically, anything remotely Islamic that you take an interest in might be considered “jihadi material.” So guys, stop collecting facial hair- because if you stock up on enough of those, you may grow something called a “beard” which is pretty jihadi.
10) “Perhaps attempted travel to troubled regions or misleading vagueness as to where they’ve been.”
I don’t think this article realizes that the FBI’s investigations pale in comparison to the interrogative skills of Muslim wives and mothers. Any of my fellow brothers can sympathize whenever they return home late after an awesome evening of chilling- if you haven’t answered your phone or responded to any texts while you were out, then brace yourself for a painful and brutal interrogation.
To our brethren who return home to a fuming mother or wife… …our hearts go out to you.
If you answer your mom or wife with intentionally misleading vagueness as to where you’ve been or if you’ve been up to any trouble, I’m afraid you have a lot worse coming your way than being suspected as a terrorist. You might want to double-check your medical insurance coverage for emergency room visits.
So the best way to avoid terrorism, as well as ensure a long healthy life free from traumatic injury, is to always seek approval before venturing out of the house. Take a lesson from King Leonidas- NEVER do anything without tacit approval from your better half.
And there you have it. A thorough listing of all the things you need to avoid in order to not be a terrorist. So let’s recap, and put everything together to paint a picture of the most non-threatening Muslim caricature, given all of the article’s warning signs:
A fat, lazy, clean-shaven doctor who never bathes, brushes his teeth, or bothers to change his clothes, but is a big-time social party-animal and is a ladies’ man as well (despite already being married)- he also dresses as Sailor Moon on Fridays, collects Pokemon cards as a hobby, and is an avid Rebecca Black fan.
While that may sound like one of the most cringe-inducing Muslim Matrimonial profiles that you’ve ever read, it’s actually the article’s perfect definition of the most innocuous “non-terroristy” Muslim. Now if all Muslim men could just be exactly like that description, then there wouldn’t be any more terrorism EVER. And how can you possibly argue against brilliant logic like that?
5 Reasons The Muslim World Needs a Jon Stewart
There will be many who read the title of this article and think – of all the many, many things that the Muslim world does need – they’re pretty sure that a middle aged liberal Jewish comedian isn’t one of them.
And they would be wrong.
Who am I kidding? Even Hijabi Barbie is front page news for us
But I’m here to make the case that we could also do with our own version of Jon Stewart.
No. This doesn’t count…
Well, here are just 5 reasons:
1. Someone who tells it like it is
Politicians and leaders often like to hide behind semantics and carefully scripted soundbites. They speak like they’re afraid of what might happen if the masses understood what was actually going on.
Probably with good reason.
Then here comes Jon every weekday evening cutting through the garbage and explaining things in simple, direct (albeit American) English.
A dose of raw, passionate, straight-talking truth? Suddenly, college students are interested in the debt crisis or police brutality.
The Muslim world could do with a few articulate souls who manage to move beyond preaching to the converted and instead, try and reach out to the disaffected, the uninterested and the disenfranchised.
Someone who could dumb it down without the dumb part.
2. Someone who is fair
It is well known that Stewart is towards the more liberal end of the spectrum. [Understatement alert]
You would expect him to constantly and mercilessly pick on Fox News and Dick Cheney.
But this doesn’t stop him from pointing out the hypocrisy and ineptitude of those he supports. Watching the Jewish American Liberal Stewart rip apart Israel during the last Gaza war showed he was a man of some principle.
The Muslim world could do with leaders who are willing to tell hard truths to their home crowds just as much as they were willing to rail against their natural enemies.
3. Someone who nurtures talent
Over the years, the Daily Show has attracted young and unknown aspiring comedians and turned them into confident stars. From Steve Carrel to Steven Colbert – Stewart hasn’t just surrounded himself with sycophants but with talent that pushed him to do better.
Again, the Muslim world could do with leadership that produced more leaders rather than ever more dependent followers. How amazing would it be if the Muslim world served as an incubator for good leaders, where people were valued and flourished and…
4. Someone who pushes the intellectual boundaries
If the Daily Show was to pander to its demographic, they would have movie and rock stars on every evening to plug their latest asinine movie or album. Instead, you were as likely to see an interview with Taylor Swift as with the astrophysicist Neil deGrasse Tyson.
Stewart often nailed the balancing act of being entertaining to his audience whilst also encouraging them to broaden their intellectual horizons.
The Muslim world could do with leaders who focused not just on individual spiritual inspiration, but also on societal temporal aspiration as well.
Translation: Where’s the Muslim equivalent of NASA?
5. Someone who tells it with a smile
Lets face it, for someone who has been on TV 4 nights a week for more than 15 years – Jon Stewart has surprisingly few gaffes to highlight. There were only a handful of anger-related meltdowns. There were definitely no unguarded moments where he “heroically” rails against an elected government, but stays silent about a coup and the mass murder of innocent people whose political viewpoint he disagrees with.
No caption would do justice…
Whatever Jon did, he did with grace. He skewered you like a kebab and cut you up like a … kebab. However, he did so with a politeness that made it hard to dislike him.
The Muslim world could do with leaders that managed the art of making a point without making an enemy.
Now some will read the above and wonder why someone who holds as many opinions at odds with Islamic orthodoxy as Stewart should be cast in a favourable light by us. To them I say that I am not advocating taking our religion from him. In fact, the qualities described above are Islamic qualities that are rooted in our deepest traditions, yet somehow are best exemplified these days by non-Muslims like him.
You don’t have to accept his views or his politics to be a fan of the way the man simply excelled at what he did.
And what he did, was shine a searing light on the state of his nation so that maybe, somehow, some way, they might just realise that they could be so much better than they are now.
If that isn’t something that the Muslim world needs right now…then I don’t know what is.
MuslimKidsMatter | Muslim Teenager Posts
Muslim Teenager Posts
By Nura F.
Don’t you hate that awkward moment when you read a Teenager Post you can’t relate to because of how different your lifestyle is from that of many other teens? I’ve stopped that, with my new Teenager Posts for Muslims! The point behind my Muslim Teenager Posts is to provide the countless Muslim youth with appropriate posts to view on the Internet, seeing as there are not that many appropriate ones. Muslim Teenager Posts can also show non-Muslim teenagers what it is like to be a Muslim as a teenager. It is a perfectly harmless, entertaining, and small way to spread Islam, especially since so many of the children these days spend their free time on the Internet. I hope that my Muslim Teenager posts will change the way people think about Muslims and will be relatable for Muslim teens everywhere.
Nura F is sixteen years old and is working to become an author for both children and teens. Her two favorite genres to write about are humor and adventure. Outside of her writing career, Nura loves to bake, read, and draw. She is also an avid blogger and keeps a number of blogs: one about her baking creations, one containing passionate rants, and one about reflections on ayahs in the Qur’an (which she really, really needs to update). Nura lives in Texas, USA, with her parents, sister, and two younger brothers.
(Attention, writers! Muslim Kids Matter is a regular feature at Muslim Matters. New articles for kids are posted every other Sunday. You’re welcome to send in your entries to firstname.lastname@example.org.)
After #TweetlikeABC and #FauxNews: Jon Stewart’s Take on Palestine-Israel Coverage