Connect with us

Family and Community

11 Ways to Deal with Rejection and Criticism

Hena Zuberi

Published

on

 I want everyone to like me

Every so often, someone will send a nasty email, or write a mean comment, or tell someone that they don’t like us and we start falling apart. We dwell on the ‘why did he say that’, and ‘how could she do that’, and ‘why me’. We start questioning ourselves. The result can be mild for some people and debilitating for others.

Very early in my career, I worked in sales and marketing for an internet giant. I hated cold calling: telephoning unsuspecting, potential clients. Even though they were strangers, their rejection would paralyze me. I would take it so personally. Ask me to pick up the phone to call, and my heart would pound; I would hang up for the fear of rejection.

Rejection Sensitivity

There is even a psychological term for it: rejection sensitivity. I was very sensitive to rejection, to the extent that I would change myself so people would be happy with me.

A study published in the journal Psychological Science reported that social rejection actually affects the heart. When subjects were told that others didn’t like them, their heart rates plummeted,  “In other words, the body seems to carry programming which influences it to try to fit in with the herd, and when that isn’t happening, the body goes into shock mode.

It makes me so upset. I don’t know why it gets to me when others aren’t happy with me. I feel like a failure and that I have to make it up to them or something.

Many of us are needy for  the approval of others. It is like there is a void inside us that we try to fill with admiration  from others. It cripples us when we don’t please everyone around. For example, we are liked by most people and disliked by one or two. But we let those one or two people  have the biggest impact on our emotional state. We start believing that if one person does not approve of us, everyone will feel the same way.

Cognitive Distortions: Magnifying & Minimizing

Why do we do this? It is because we want everyone to love us, or at least like us. This is unhealthy and unrealistic. No one is liked universally, not even God.  (Allāh could if He wanted to but He has let humans have free will.)

We do whatever it takes to gain everyone’s approval, and despite the 100 “great job’s” we receive, nothing compares to the hurt we feel from the one “you suck”. Psychologists call it cognitive distortion, when we set up mental filters or magnify criticisms and minimize compliments. We magnify our faults and minimize our virtues. This is something we must do in our relationship with God, but not in our relationship with people.

The practical reality is that we live in a world full of people whose behaviors, feelings, opinions, and words are influenced by ego, attitudes, fear, greed, insecurity, social-programming, and Shayṭān. And although we want everyone to like us, there will always be people who will find faults in us.

The Need for Approval and Control

“It’s almost an addiction that makes them feel like they need to be needed,” says social psychologist and author Susan Newman, “this makes them feel important and like they’re contributing to someone else’s life.”

Facebook and blogging doesn’t help – we start needing the constant positive feedback.

I have learned that focusing on the negative can also be due to our need for perfection — to be in control. But I can’t be in control of other people and the way they think– not my friends, in-laws, spouse, co-workers, and especially not complete strangers. The only control I have is over my own thinking. If I believe that the criticism is valid it will upset me.

And in an effort to be noticed and included, I think I tried hard to please people.

Sometimes it is the desperate child inside us, still wanting our parents’ and friends’ approval. We are still remnants of a taunted former fat kid, a geek with bottle top glasses teased incessantly, the weird ḥijābi isolated in her teenage angst, or the pimply nerd ditched in every team game.

We have nursed the hurt, fed it with our insecurities, worn ourselves out trying to please everyone around us, so we are not that reject anymore.  We edit ourselves, our words, our habits, and our boundaries in the hopes that one day we will be the popular kid who everyone likes.

Nice Guys Finish Last: Dealing with Criticisms

Why do some people not like us despite our best efforts to please them? I think this is because different people have different priorities and intentions. When we do not match up to the ideal inside another person’s mind, they think less of us.

Disparagement also amplifies the power of the giver, by making the recipient feel diminished in some way, not empowered. Anger is a common tool used to manipulate others. If I am fearful of an outcome, then I have given others control over me. If my only fear is whether Allāh is angry with me, then I will stop caring about the others.

Shaykh Ahmad Zurraq says that one of the foundations of the spiritual path is indifference to whether others accept or reject you. The only one you have to spend 24 hours, 7 days a week with for the rest of your life is yourself and God. So you need to like yourself and live by a set of values that please the Creator.

Riyā’: A Disease of the Heart

Part of this is understanding that there may be an inclination in our hearts towards loving the ephemeral aspects of the world.

From a Prophetic ṣallallāhu 'alayhi wa sallam (peace and blessings of Allāh be upon him) tradition, related by Imam Bayhaqi, we learn, “When a believer hears somebody praising him, his faith (īmān) increases,” — not his or her pride or self-esteem.

Scholars say that it is part of human nature to enjoy the good things one does and, in turn, be pleased when others recognize them. But if we are falling into an emotional abyss because someone is not recognizing the good we do, we should check the condition of our hearts. There could be sparks of ostentation-ness (riyā’) in us as the “essence of ostentation-ness is being preoccupied with people” (1).  We should also check our niyyah (intentions).  I think many times it hurts so much because our intention was earning the pleasure of other people and not God.

How can you become less preoccupied by what other people think and more worried about what Allāh subḥānahu wa ta'āla (glorified and exalted be He) thinks?
1. Ask yourself why? If you ever find yourself becoming an emotional wreck because of negativity around you, ask yourself why. Why am I focusing on the negativity? Why am I ignoring the good while finding the bad? Only your thoughts can upset you. Stop thinking about it. A criticism may be right or wrong. If it is wrong then it is the other person’s fault. They are not perfect and have made a mistake. If the criticism is right,  it still should not be upsetting. Instead, use it as a tool to better yourself.

2. If rejection can happen to him ṣallallāhu 'alayhi wa sallam (peace and blessings of Allāh be upon him) it can happen to you. Reflect on this noble Prophetic supplication that he ṣallallāhu 'alayhi wa sallam (peace and blessings of Allāh be upon him) made after he was brutally rejected in Taif: “Oh Allāh if you are not angry with me than I do not care what you do with me.”

3. Try to remember the last time you got upset at someone and said something that you may have not meant, or something that you exaggerated. Did your saying that make the person totally worthless? No, of course not. So why would them saying something negative to you make you totally worthless? When you are so hurt because someone doesn’t like you, you are making them perfect judges. Only Allāh is the perfect Judge, do not give them a power that doesn’t belong to them.

4. Use a counseling technique:

  • Listen to your internal voice. Write down the thoughts as you hear them in your head.  Are you using negative language?
  • Categorize which cognitive distortion each thought is under. You will start seeing patterns.
  • Counter your negative self-talk, ask yourself: What is the evidence for this? Is this ALWAYS true? Has this been true in the past? Write down some alternative statements. 
  • Say these constructive statements out loud. Do this every time.

5. Question your past: If you have internalized a negative event in your life, focus on the event — ask yourself, are you generally a good person? Do people usually like you? Does it really matter what a handful of people think or thought about you?

6. Learn the Lesson: If there are people in your life who do not like you, think about why they are in your life. They may have a real lesson for you to learn. But then let it go. Concentrate on yourself, work on liking you. Is there a trait of yours you do not like? Change that. Meditate. Pray.

7. Concentrate on the benefit that your existence has on this Earth.

8. Don’t fear being alone because you are never alone –– Allāh is your companion and friend in this world. It will give you sakinah, peace, knowing that there is always someone who will be waiting for you to come back to Him.

9. Build a support system around you –– people who are honest with you and let you say what you need to say. Focus on the amazing, incredible, positive people who encourage, support and love you no matter what.

10. Ask yourself if this is suma, the need to seek reputation. This is a disease of the heart.

11. Don’t let the Drama Queen/King out: We only have so much energy and this is such a poor investment of our emotions. You will be exhausted trying to get everyone to like you. I know I go through this too. It is the drama queen (king) in us – we have tried to overcome her (him) through deen but s/he sneaks up on us from time to time.  Don’t let her (him). S/he wants to make a big deal of something small, obsessing about the trivial. Remember feelings are just that, feelings, and they change. You will not feel the same way the next day.

Our energy is also an amānah from Allāh. So let go of the negativity. Tell yourself that this is not the best use of your energy.  It doesn’t help you in any way. Imam al-Shafi’ raḍyAllāhu 'anha (may Allāh be pleased with her) says that, “There is nobody except that he has someone who loves him and someone who hates him. So if that’s the case, let a person be with the people who are obedient to Allāh ‘azza wa jall!’ (as they love and hate for the sake of Allāh and they are not unjust).”

1)      Purification of the Heart– Shaykh Hamza Yusuf
2)      Feeling Good Handbook – Dr. Burns
3)      Feeling Good- the New Mood Therapy– Dr. Burns
4)     (Hilyat al-Awliya 9/124)

Hena Zuberi is the Editor in Chief of Muslimmatters.org. She is also a Staff Reporter at the Muslim Link newspaper which serves the DC Metro. She serves on the board of the Aafia Foundation and Words Heal, Inc. Hena has worked as a television news reporter and producer for CNBC Asia and World Television News. A mom of four and a Green Muslim, she lives and preaches a whole food, organic life which she believes is closest to Sunnah. Active in her SoCal community, Hena served as the Youth Director for the Unity Center. Using her experience with Youth, she conducts Growing Up With God workshops. hena.z@muslimmatters.org Follow her on Twitter @henazuberi.

35 Comments

35 Comments

  1. Avatar

    Muhammad12

    February 13, 2012 at 2:32 AM

    I got rejected by a girl. Welcome to heart break. What do I do?

    • Avatar

      Bachelorette

      February 13, 2012 at 4:47 AM

      Dont let her live rent free in your brain.

    • Avatar

      Diana

      February 13, 2012 at 6:37 PM

      Assalamu Alaikum wa rahmatullahi wa barakatuhu

      Don’t look at this as a rejection. Maybe Allah kept this girl away as a protection for you. There isn’t a single thing that happens to a believer that is bad for him.

      Always, don’t forget to make dua. Allah knows us and the feelings inside of us. He is the creator and controller of those feelings and emotions. Ask for his help to go through this. Surely since He creates these feelings, He can take them away.

      Wa Alaikum assalam

    • Avatar

      Omar

      February 13, 2012 at 8:16 PM

      Bro, say Alhamdulillah. Rejection is good experience, it toughens you up.
      Trust in Allah’s decree, have tawakkul, and be sure that she was not the best for you. Move on, trust in Allah, and the best will surely come.

  2. Avatar

    Abu Yusuf

    February 13, 2012 at 11:46 AM

    AsSalaamu ‘Alaykum,

    I think many Muslims are very sensitive and unable to laugh at themselves and unable to self-deprecate. We tend to dismiss or be hurt by criticism even though it may be constructive or it may be a valid one that just happens to go against the grain of our current mode of thinking. I have seen over the past couple of years…the more ostensibly intelligent the editors of MM are, the more sensitive they are, which is counter-intuitive and counter-productive. A post criticizing the content of an article is never an attack of the person but rather on the content. I have seen such criticism edited out with the blink of an eye but much larger offenses like the commentaries praising the Hindu god Ram are left unedited which is really a shame – an affront to the humans is not tolerated but an affront to the Lord of the Universe is left on the commentary sections untouched? Also, I know Yasir after having studied at Yale is open to freedom of speech and critiques/criticism of content of articles but the students/editors who report to him seem decidedly autocratic and often arbitrary in their editing methods. Frankly, if Wharton supremo Amad can write commentaries encouraging Muslims to host superbowl parties and if he can flippantly dismiss the great fiqh scholar ibn Uthaymeen in one of his posts and if he can write posts calling commentators “trolls” and threaten them with “eviction”, and if Hindu gods can be praised on a Muslim blog (repeatedly) by Hindu contributors, then most assuredly the critique of one Muslim by another Muslim should be tolerated and embraced for what it means – i.e. criticisms of methods/content, rather than criticisms of a person. 

    By the way, keep up the great work Sr. Zuberi. We enjoyed the Sudani Imam recitation posting.

    PS: Br. Muhammad12, don’t worry about rejection by a female, you will most assuredly earn two fair wide-eyed beauties in due time in Jannah.

  3. Avatar

    Hassan

    February 13, 2012 at 2:00 PM

    My comments on one of your previous posts was conveniently deleted/edited out. That is one way of handling the criticism.

    • Avatar

      Aly Balagamwala | DiscoMaulvi

      February 14, 2012 at 12:37 AM

       Dear Hassan

      We reserve the rights to edit or delete anything that goes against our comment policy.  Please do not take it against yourself. Jazak’Allah Khairin.

      -Aly

    • Avatar

      Anonymous

      February 17, 2012 at 2:15 AM

      Brothers,
      I know some of you have had complaints about the comments policy on MM. I try not to moderate my own posts. We have a comments team which handles moderation. We have made a committed effort to change the atmosphere on the MM threads. Constructive (not personal) criticism is always appreciated.

      I am also not a veteran blogger and did not join MM to argue back and forth on the internet.  If there is civil discourse, I make an effort to engage, inshaAllah.

      If you disagree with my posts, please forgive me and make dua for me and I pray that a day will come when we are brothers and sisters in Jannah, facing each other without any ghil in our hearts. Ameen.

  4. Avatar

    Ahmed Brown

    February 13, 2012 at 6:41 PM

    Jumping off the cliff featured in the article == bad way of dealing with rejection/criticism

    • Avatar

      Bachelorette

      February 13, 2012 at 9:30 PM

      nope…….she/he is just contemplating

    • Avatar

      ahmed

      February 15, 2012 at 3:52 PM

       that picture is seriously scary

  5. Avatar

    Muhammad12

    February 14, 2012 at 3:08 AM

     actually Dr. Bilaal Phillips is my cousin, and I don’t really agree with his talks. He is way too much of a feminist, and getting your son married at 17, is probably not the best idea. I mean which 17 year old guy is ready for marriage? I don’t know any 17 year old who can support himself, and a wife unless of course you are some sports prodigy, which dr. phillips son isn’t.  And you have to be a fool to commit zina. People should have self control, its really not that hard. I live in America, where the girls are about 10000 times hotter than the british girls, and I am a virgin mA. Also, girls from England are stuck up, and gold diggers. I mean, I am a baller mA, but I want a girl who will love me for who I am, not for my bank account. So no to the England girls! Also, I really hate the british accent, its so not hot! And the girl and I both liked each other, but the only reason her family said no to me, was because she was a sikh. Her family said, “we don’t want no muslim in the family”.

    • Avatar

      Aly Balagamwala | DiscoMaulvi

      February 14, 2012 at 4:58 AM

       Dear Brother Muhammad12

      Alhamdulillah you are blessed to be the cousin of Dr Bilal and have personal access to such a source of knowledge (may Allah preserve him).

      I also would like to commend you for your resolve and will power. However, beware the Shaytaan for he is a powerful enemy. Read this story http://www.facebook.com/note.php?note_id=335048193206050

      As for the girl that you liked who was a Sikh, maybe Allah (SWT) wanted that you marry a Muslimah and so thank Allah for His favor upon you.

      -Aly

    • Avatar

      Fizaa

      February 27, 2012 at 12:37 AM

      I’m rejected too…the went to his country and got married there and told me when he came back.
      Its so hard to find a real love now a days..I don’t trust anyone anymore.

  6. Avatar

    Yasmin

    February 14, 2012 at 12:12 PM

    Jazakallah khair for this much meeded post!

  7. Avatar

    jamaldeen

    February 16, 2012 at 1:40 AM

    Excellent article! Really pulls out the meaning behind the quranic message:

    And do not fear the blame of a critic. That is the favor of Allah; He bestows it upon whom He wills. And Allah is all-Encompassing and Knowing
    [5:54]

    • Avatar

      Anonymous

      February 17, 2012 at 2:50 AM

      SubhanAllah, which of our Lord’s favors will we deny? 
      JazakAllah khayr for sharing this verse, what more do we need when Allah swt says it so clearly.

  8. Avatar

    Hashir Zuberi

    February 16, 2012 at 9:18 AM

    The hardest part (especially in context of deen) –
    The one you aim to please, and whose appreciation you crave, and whose rejection you fear, is your parent. 

  9. Avatar

    Anonymous

    February 17, 2012 at 1:47 AM

     Assalamalaikum Dreamlife,

    JazakAllah khayr for sharing Shaykh Sattar’s talk. May Allah swt protect him. It added volumes to this thread.

    Alhamdulillah, positivity does lead to positive thoughts. We don’t dwell on them and thank Allah for the countless positive moments we experience,  we really have no right to complain or obsess over negative experiences.

    It is not easy for some people and we have to work hard at it. We have to make the choice, am I going to let this negativity, or this criticism, or this rejestion get to me or am I going to use it to bring positive change in my life.

    …Positivity doesn’t have to mean praising someone, criticism can be positive too as long as it is constructive.

  10. Avatar

    Anonymous

    February 17, 2012 at 2:43 AM

    Dear Dr. Newman,
    I am excited that you stopped by to comment. I have benefited from you articles and look forward to reading your book.
     

  11. Avatar

    Aly Balagamwala | DiscoMaulvi

    February 20, 2012 at 6:50 AM

    Dear Abu Yusuf

    Your email address provided is bouncing so please email amad [at] muslimmatters [dot] org as you seem to know him well and he would like to get in touch with you.

  12. Avatar

    Fatimah Minji Park

    February 20, 2012 at 8:22 AM

     Being too sensitive toward other’s reaction is a disease i kept fighting. Not knowing what to do, whom to talk to I am heartbroken… I even want to seek professional help,but I won’t be comfortable to tell my feeling to non-muslim therapists. I would be appreciate if  you suggest any good way to solve this problem. Jazakum Allahu khair.

    • Avatar

      Fizaa

      February 27, 2012 at 12:38 AM

      Sister I’m going throu the same.

    • Avatar

      henazuberi

      February 27, 2012 at 2:01 AM

      Sister Fatimah and Fizza,
      Have you tried using the counseling technique that I recommended. Try it for a week, write down every single thought that comes to your head and notice exactly how you are letting the words affect you. There are also duas that you can recite when in anguish.

      Laa ‘ilaaha ‘ illallaahul-‘Adheemul-Haleem, laa ‘ilaaha ‘illallaahu Rabbul-‘Arshil-‘Adheem, laa ‘ilaaha ‘illallaahu Rabbus-samaawaati wa Rabbul-‘ardhi wa Rabbul-‘Arshil-Kareem.There is none worthy of worship but Allah the Mighty, the Forbearing. There is none worthy of worship but Allah, Lord of the Magnificent Throne. There is none worthy of worship but Allah, Lord of the heavens and Lord of the earth, and Lord of the No

      Allaahumma rahmataka ‘arjoo falaa takilnee ‘ilaa nafsee tarfata ‘aynin, wa ‘aslih lee sha’nee kullahu, laa’ilaaha ‘illaa ‘Anta. 

      Laa ‘ilaaha ‘illaa ‘Anta subhaanaka ‘innee kuntu minadh-dhaalimeen.There is none worthy of worship but You, glory is to You. Surely, I was among the wrongdoers.O Allah, I hope for Your mercy. Do not leave me to myself even for the blinking of an eye (i.e. a moment). Correct all of my affairs for me. There is none worthy of worship but You.

      Additionally, there maybe Muslim therapists in your area. I don’t know your age but there is a youth Naseeha hotline run by Naseeha – Muslim Youth Helpline – 1-866-627-3342

      • Avatar

        Faiza

        March 2, 2012 at 1:03 AM

        Jazak Allah..
        How often I can read this dua?
        I’m so much depress now a days I’m keep calling him and begging him.
        I want to stop this but I don’t have self control.

        • Hena Zuberi

          Hena Zuberi

          March 5, 2012 at 11:16 PM

          Faiza, read the duas as often as you can. Truly in the remembrance of Allah, you will find peace. If it is written in your fate that this man be a part of your life, it will happen, without you having to degrade yourself. Not a pin can drop without His Will, right? This is our belief. Even though this post was not specifically about romantic rejection, I hope I can help with a few words of advice.
          Most men do not like desperate women, and by begging him instead of begging Allah swt you are wasting your energies and making it look like you have little respect for yourself. Your self worth is not dependent on his acceptance. Whatever joy you may have felt being a part of his life is not worth the humiliation. It is hurting you so so much because you have created an attachment to human being, one who is not perfect, who has his flaws. Let it go.
          What if the situation was reverse and you were the one who had rejected him. How would you feel if he kept calling you and begging you? Would you have respect for him?

          If he is meant for you, you will be a part of each other’s lives but if you are not nothing that you do can force it to happen except dua.

          The only Love that is Eternal and Perfect is the one for Allah. May Allah swt make it easy for you.

  13. Pingback: My Homepage

  14. Avatar

    Mehmudah

    March 8, 2012 at 9:27 AM

    What an excellent piece of writing. JazakAllahu Khayr!

  15. Avatar

    Nahiyan Bin Asadullah

    July 7, 2012 at 1:03 AM

    Jazaki Allahu khayran for the reminder ukhti!! :D

  16. Pingback: Being a People Pleaser - MuslimMatters.org

  17. Pingback: 11 ways to deal with rejection and criticism | Blog Dj Matioka

  18. Avatar

    Salted Caramel

    May 30, 2015 at 7:43 AM

    Things happen realy badly…lost my job, friends, and im the only one supporting the family..im a gal and im 29..not married…:( i pray, give sadakah..but mayb my only fault that i could see is my constant struggle with hijab…is it cos of that im being punihsed? how do i solve my problem?

    • Avatar

      Aly Balagamwala

      May 31, 2015 at 2:07 AM

      Allah is making you stronger through this struggle and seeing how patient you are. Stick to it, turn towards Him and in shaa Allah you will be rewarded.

      *Above comment made in a personal capacity and may not reflect the views of MuslimMatters or its staff.

  19. Avatar

    Tanveer Khan

    August 21, 2016 at 5:48 AM

    Salam! I am a 25 yrs old Indian Muslim. I feel so bad and get panicked when I hear or see anyone criticizing Islam or Muslims for their faith. I can’t tolerate when someone comments anything bad about my faith on any website or when I see Muslims are being tortured. Should I be worried about this and my concerns are appropriate? Please, help me!

  20. Pingback: Menuju & ⅓ Edinburgh | Syafira Fitri Auliya

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

#Society

Eid Lameness Syndrome: Diagnosis, Treatment, Cure

Avatar

Published

on

How many of you have gone to work on Eid because you felt there was no point in taking off? No Eid fun. Have you ever found Eid boring, no different from any other day?

If so, you may suffer from ELS (Eid Lameness Syndrome). Growing up, I did too.

My family would wake up, go to salah, go out to breakfast, come home, take a 4+ hour nap and then go out to dinner. I didn’t have friends to celebrate with and even if I did, I wouldn’t see them because we stuck to our own immediate family just as they did.

On the occasion that we went to a park or convention center, we would sort of have fun. Being with other people was certainly better than breakfast-nap-dinner in isolation, but calling that a memorable, satisfying, or genuinely fun Eid would be a stretch.

I don’t blame my parents for the ELS though. They came from a country where Eid celebration was the norm; everyone was celebrating with everyone and you didn’t have to exert any effort. When they moved to the US, where Muslims were a minority, it was uncharted territory. They did the best they could with the limited resources they had.

When I grew up, I did about the same too. When I hear friends or acquaintances tell me that they’re working, doing laundry or whatever other mundane things on Eid, I understand.  Eid has been lame for so long that some people have given up trying to see it any other way. Why take personal time off to sit at home and do nothing?

I stuck to whatever my parents did for Eid because “Eid was a time for family.” In doing so, I was honoring their cultural ideas of honoring family, but not Eid. It wasn’t until I moved away that I decided to rebel and spend Eid with convert friends (versus family) who didn’t have Muslim families to celebrate with on Eid, rather than drive for hours to get home for another lame salah-breakfast-nap-dinner.

That was a game-changing Eid for me. It was the first non-lame Eid I ever had, not because we did anything extraordinary or amazing, but because we made the day special by doing things that we wouldn’t normally do on a weekday together. It was then that I made a determination to never have a lame Eid ever again InshaAllah.

I’m not the only one fighting ELS. Mosques and organizations are creating events for people to attend and enjoy together, and families are opting to spend Eid with other families. There is still much more than can be done, as converts, students, single people, couples without children and couples with very small children, are hard-hit by the isolation and sadness that ELS brings. Here are a few suggestions for helping treat ELS in your community:

Host an open house

Opening up your home to a large group of people is a monumental task that takes a lot of planning and strength. But it comes with a lot of baraka and reward. Imagine the smiling faces of people who would have had nowhere to go on Eid, but suddenly find themselves in your home being hosted. If you have a big home, hosting an open house is an opportunity to express your gratitude to Allah for blessing you with it.

Expand your circle

Eid is about commUNITY. Many people spend Eid alone when potential hosts stick to their own race/class/social status. Invite and welcome others to spend Eid with you in whatever capacity you can.

Delegate

You can enlist the help of close friends and family to help so it’s not all on you. Delegate food, setup, and clean-up across your family and social network so that no one person will be burdened by the effort InshaAllah.

Squeeze in

Don’t worry if you don’t have a big house, you’ll find out how much barakah your home has by how many people are able to fit in it. I’ve been to iftars in teeny tiny apartments where there’s little space but lots of love. If you manage to squeeze in even two or three extra guests, you’ve saved two or three people from ELS for that year.

Outsource Eid Fun

If you have the financial means or know enough friends who can pool together, rent a house. Some housing share sites have homes that can be rented specifically for events, giving you the space to consolidate many, smaller efforts into one larger, more streamlined party.

Flock together

It can be a challenge to find Eid buddies to spend the day with. Try looking for people in similar circumstances as you. I’m a single woman and have hosted a ladies game night for the last few Eids where both married and single women attend.  If you are a couple with young kids, find a few families with children of similar age groups. If you’re a student, start collecting classmates. Don’t wait for other people to invite you, make a list in advance and get working to fend off ELS together.

Give gifts

The Prophet ﷺ said: تَهَادُوا تَحَابُّوا‏ “Give gifts to increase love for each other”. One of my siblings started a tradition of getting a gift for each person in the family. If that’s too much, pick one friend or family member and give them a gift. If you can’t afford gifts, give something that doesn’t require much money like a card or just your time. You never know how much a card with kind, caring words can brighten a person’s Eid.

Get out of your comfort zone

If you have ELS, chances are there is someone else out there who has it too. The only way to find out if someone is sad and alone on Eid is by admitting that we are first, and asking if they are too.

Try, try, try again…

Maybe you’ve taken off work only to find that going would have been less of a waste of time. Maybe you tried giving gifts and it didn’t go well. Maybe you threw an open house and are still cleaning up/dealing with the aftermath until now. It’s understandable to want to quit and say never again, to relent and accept that you have ELS and always will but please, keep trying. The Ummah needs to believe that Eid can and should be fun and special for everyone.

While it is hard to be vulnerable and we may be afraid of rejection or judgment, the risk is worth it. As a survivor and recoverer of ELS, I know how hard it can be and also how rewarding it is to be free of it. May Allah bless us all with the best Eids and to make the most of the blessed days before and after, Ameen.

Continue Reading

#Society

Broken Light: The Opacity of Muslim Led Institutions

Rehan Mirza, Guest Contributor

Published

on

muslim led institutions

Habib Abd al-Qadir al-Saqqaf (may Allah have mercy on him and benefit us by him) explains how we are affected by the spiritual state of those around us.

Every person has rays which emanate from their soul. You receive these rays when you come close to them or sit in their presence. Each person’s rays differ in strength according to the state of their soul. This explains how you become affected by sitting in the presence of great people. They are people who follow the way of the Prophets in their religious and worldly affairs. When they speak, they counsel people. Their actions guide people. When they are silent they are like signposts which guide people along the path, or like lighthouses whose rays guide ships. Many of them speak very little, but when you see them or visit them you are affected by them. You leave their gatherings having been enveloped in their tranquillity. Their silence has more effect than the eloquent speech of others. This is because the rays of their souls enter you.

The Organizational Light

As a Muslim organizational psychologist, I know that organizations and institutions are a collective of these souls too. Like a glass container, they are filled colored by whatever is within them. So often Muslim organizations have presumed clarity in their organizational light and looked on with wonder as children, families, and the community wandered. The lighthouse keepers standing in front of the beacon wondering, “Where have the ships gone?”have

Our Muslim led institutions will reflect our state, actions, and decisions. I do believe that most of our institutional origins are rooted in goodness, but those moments remain small and fade. Our challenge as a community is to have this light of origin be fixed so that it can pulsate and extend itself beyond itself.

Reference is not being made regarding any specific type of institution and this is not a pointed critique, but rather a theory on perhaps why the effect our variety of institutional work wanes and dissipates. Any type of organization or institution — whether for profit or nonprofit, whether capital focused or socially conscious — that is occupied by the heart of a Muslim(s), must reflect light.

Our organizational light is known by an ego-less assessment of intentions, actions, and results. We must move our ‘self’ or ‘selves’ out of the way and then measure our lumens. If the light increases when we move out of the way, then it is possible that we — our ego, personality, objectives, intentions, degree of sacrifice, level of commitment, and possibly even our sincerity — may be the obstructions to our organizational lights.

The Personal Imperative

What will become of our institutions and their role for posterity if we neglect to evaluate where we stand in relation to the noble courses they mean to take? We may currently be seeing the beginning what this may look and feel like.

When was the last time you walked into a Muslim led institution and felt a living space that drew you in because of the custodians, leadership, individuals, and community that made up its parts? It was probably the last time you and I looked deeply inward at our lives — our intellect, our relationships, our purpose, our spiritual state, our work, our decisions, and our intentions. If we cleanse our hearts so infrequently the dust which settles can become thick making them opaque. And perhaps this individual and collective state is what limits the reach and impact of our communal work thus, resulting in the opacity of Muslim led institutions. Note: Lighthouse keepers clean the lens of the beacon every day.

We must consistently assess the intellectual, emotional, and spiritual loci of our individual and organizational states. They are not fixed givens. Rather, they are capricious states that necessitate vigilance and wara’. Being aware of this will help in our organizational design and work.

The Collective Affect

When we are prepared to evaluate the efficacy of Muslim led institutions with the inclusion of some form of spiritual assessment, we will give ourselves a better opportunity to determine where, how, and why we may be missing the mark. The inefficiencies and inattentiveness we have on an individual level can permeate our relationships, our work, and our organizations. As organizational leaders, we must critically assess the amount of light our work emanates to illuminate the lives of the people we serve.

These inward evaluations should be in the form of active and ongoing discussions we have internally with our teams and colleagues, and ourselves. If done with prudence and sincerity it will not only strengthen our organizations but our teams and us God-willing. This collective effort can lead to a collective effect for those we serve that inspires and guides. We — and our institutions — can then return to the Prophetic example of being beacons of light that help ourselves and others arrive to a place of sanctuary.

And Allah always knows best.

Continue Reading

#Life

Mindful or Mind-full? Going From AutoPilot to Aware

Avatar

Published

on

Mindful

Modeling Mindfulness

Mindfull

“Remember that God knows what is in your souls, so be mindful of Him.”

[Sūrat al-Baqarah 2:235]

Mindful or Mind-full?

Ever felt frustrated when you were trying to talk to your spouse, your children, your students, or your youth group and they would just not pay attention? This is a prime example of being on autopilot and getting carried away without actually being aware of what is most important in the present moment.

A recent Harvard study shows that our minds are not present in the moment and wander about 47% of the time1. In a world of technology and continuous sensory overload, the lines between work and home, friends and family, necessity vs. purpose, world-centric vs. Allah-centric have become blurred. We are either living in the past or ruminating about the future, and in the process, we are forgetting to live, enjoy, cherish, and make the most of our present moments.

For parents, teachers, youth leaders, and anyone in the beautiful role of guiding, teaching, coaching, or mentoring others, we can make a huge difference by modeling Mindfulness ourselves. But where do we start? The answer is to go from autopilot to becoming aware.

Autopilot to Aware

Being on autopilot is when you are distracted in the present moment, where your mind is wandering into the past or the future, and you are less aware of yourself, surroundings, or others. Autopilot can actually be pretty helpful for your regular habits. Waking up, brushing your teeth, getting ready for your day, going to school or work – many of the things we do habitually every day can be done more seamlessly without having to think, and that is a good thing. But there are times when you have to learn to turn off your autopilot to become aware. But how?

Here is a Mindfulness tool that can be done in just a minute or two for you to become more aware.

Step 1: Breath as a Tool. Say Bismillah. Focus on your breath. See where you experience the breath – the breathing in and breathing out of your body. Is your breath stemming from your nostrils, your chest, or your stomach? Just bring your attention to your breath and relax and stay with it there for a few moments.

Step 2: Body as a Tool. Relax your body. We carry so many emotions in our bodies2. Our stress from the past or anticipation for the future sometimes finds its way into our necks, other times in our chest muscles or our backs. Pay attention to what emotions and sensations do you feel, and try to relax all parts of your body.

Step 3: Intention as a Tool. As you have centered your thoughts to the present moment through your breath and your body, ask yourself: “What is most important now? In this present moment?”

Just simply being aware makes us more mindful parents, teachers, youth and professionals – being aware makes us more Mindful of Allah SWT. Mindfulness is the ability to be aware of your mind and body and bring your attention to the present moment.

Mindful

Real Life in the Present Moment

You are an on-the-go parent: It has been a long day and you have to pick up the kids from school, but work is still pending. You’re picking up the kids from school, feeding them, and then shuffling everyone to their afterschool activities, be it Qur’an, softball, soccer, swimming, or the million other things that kids seem to have these days. You squeeze pending work in between drop-offs and pick-ups, and you function by living from one task to the next.

The Autopilot Impact: You’re getting a lot done, but are so engrossed in quickly moving your children along from one thing to another that you are unable to really cherish your time together.

The Mindfulness Suggestion: You can try to go from autopilot to awareness by focusing on your breath, paying attention to your emotions, and relaxing your body. As you do so, ask yourself: “What is most important now?” Make the intention to slow down, listen to the children more mindfully, and cherish and enjoy your time together.

You are a busy teacher: Last night you had to take all the grading home and spent two hours poring over students’ work. This morning, you woke up early to pick up some classroom supplies after dropping off your own kids to school. You’ve already had two cups of coffee and are trying to think through everything you have to do today. You like the idea of Mindfulness, living life in the present moment, and enjoying every day to its fullest, but your mind is not free to even enjoy the beautiful morning sunrise as you drive to school.

The Autopilot Impact: You want to listen and pay attention to every child’s needs, and enjoy the rewards of their growth, but you can’t. What’s more, you judge yourself for just trying to get through your activities for the day. You wish you could connect with your students better.

The Mindfulness Suggestion: Whenever you are stressed with an unpleasant parent or student interaction, think about breathing, relaxing your body, and asking what you need to focus on now. Try to do one thing at a time, and relax into what you’re doing.

You are an overstretched youth director: You are a role model. You have this major weekend event you are planning with the youth. Your budget is still pending from the board, you have to call all these people, have to get the graphics and remind everyone about the event, you have to visit all these masjids and MSAs to announce and remind people about the weekend.

This weekend’s theme is Living a Life of Purpose and you are super passionate about it. However, the whole week you have had a hard time remembering to even pray one Salah with focus. Instead, your mind has been preoccupied with all the endless planning for this weekend. You love what you do but you wonder how to also be mindful in your everyday worship while you are always prepping and planning engaging activities for the youth.

The Autopilot Impact: You enjoy shaping the youth but you are losing steam. You are always planning the next program and unable to focus on your own personal and spiritual development. It is difficult for you to pray even one salah without thinking about all the events and activities planned for that week.

The Mindfulness Suggestion: Get serious about taking some time for yourself. Know that becoming more mindful about your own prayers and self-development will also make you a better role model. Take a minute or two before every Salah to practice the simple, 3-Step Mindfulness Tool. You say Bismillah and breathe, focus your mind, and then relax your body. Empty your mind from everything else – what has past and what’s to come – and ask “What’s most important now?” to develop better focus in your Salah.

In Conclusion: Practice Simple but Solid Steps towards becoming more Mindful Muslims

Mindfulness is to open a window to let the Divine light in.

[Imam Al Ghazali]

Mindfulness gives us the ability to be aware. We can use Mindfulness tools to remember Allah subḥānahu wa ta'āla (glorified and exalted be He), refocus, renew our intentions, and engage with the present moment in a more effective and enjoyable way. Mindfulness also invites awareness of our potential negligence in being our best selves with both Allah subḥānahu wa ta'āla (glorified and exalted be He) and His creation. To put it simply, being more aware of our selves can help us be better versions of our selves.

Mindfulness is both an art and a science, with brain and behavioral science research validating the importance of Mindfulness in improving our health, managing our stress, navigating our emotions, and positively impacting our lives3. In today’s modern and distracted world, let us treasure every tool that helps us center our attention on what matters the most.

  1. Bradt, Steve (2010). Wandering mind not a happy mind. Harvard Gazette. https://news.harvard.edu/gazette/story/2010/11/wandering-mind-not-a-happy-mind/
  2. Lauri Nummenmaa, Enrico Glerean, Riitta Hari, Jari K. Hietanen (2013). Bodily maps of emotions. National Academy of Sciences. https://www.pnas.org/content/early/2013/12/26/1321664111
  3. “What are the benefits of mindfulness,” American Psychological Association: http://www.apa.org/monitor/2012/07-08/ce-corner.aspx

To learn more about how to become mindful take the Define Course on Mindfulness and Emotional Intelligence.

Continue Reading

Trending