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DONE! 60+ Ways to Keep Your Spouse’s Love.

please-spouse.jpg(Updated 4/2/07) Ok, time for a not-so-intellectual, yet extremely important topic. Probably more applicable in our daily lives than most other issues we blog about. So, I modified the title to the post on my previous blog to make it gender-neutral. For a good reason, as you’ll see.

In today’s life of hustle and bustle, the family unit is becoming fragile by the day. Divorces are on the rise (see this entry on Tariq’s blog), and Muslims can no longer claim, as justifiably as before, that divorce is rare among Muslims or even much less than incidents of divorce among non-Muslims. Below, I’ll list the nearly 90 ways that a speaker discussed (you can see video here) and readers added that talk about ways to keep your “Wife’s Love”. Since we have already addressed the husband’s tricks to keep his wife’s love alive for him, a couple of commentators suggested that I do the same for the reverse.

So, the challenge is on, can we come up with even 60 ways for the wife to keep her husband’s love? Challenge has been MET! With the help of the Blogosphere’s smartest readers, we have collectively gathered 60 ways to keep the Husband’s love, and many more for keeping the Wife’s. The question now is how many will we actually implement? And how do we implement? Would flash cards work? Would one thing a day work? Maybe write up one way on the refrigerator sticky? Do we need to start another list, maybe I-Muslim’s 60 ways to keep the mother-in-law happy :) ? I think we may need more than that…

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UPDATED 4.2.07

Readers: Ways to Keep Your Husband’s Love- Inshallah

  1. Behave like a female, i.e. all the tenderness of a female… a man doesn’t want a man for his wife (well, let’s say normal a man!).
  2. Dress pleasantly/attractively. If you are a home-maker, don’t stay in your sleeping suit all day.
  3. Smell good (does that need further explanations).
  4. Don’t lay out all your problems on your husband as soon as he walks in. Give him a little mental break.
  5. Don’t keep asking him, “what are you thinking?”… because unlike women, men’s thoughts are as random as the results of a google search. Women on the other hand have thoughts as organized as a labeled file-cabinet!
  6. Stop nagging non-stop before Allah ta’ala gives you something really to complaint about.
  7. Absolutely no talking about your spousal problems to anyone you meet under the pretense of seeking help, even if you are the victim. Sister Hannah Gamal gives this advice, if you think you want to solve legitimate marital issues then go seek counseling with the right person who can give advice in either
    1. Mediate any injustice done so any wrong can be corrected and a couple can reunite in harmony, or
    2. Amicable divorce
  8. Be kind to your mother-in-law the same way you would like your husband to be kind to your own mother.
  9. Learn all the rights and obligations of each other in Islam.
  10. Race to the door when he comes home, as if you were waiting for him. Smile and hug.
  11. Keep your house clean, at least to the level that he wants it.
  12. Compliment him on the things you know he’s not so confident about (looks, intelligence) etc. This will build his self-esteem.
  13. Tell him he’s the best husband ever.
  14. Call his family often.
  15. Give him a simple task to do at home and then thank him when he does it. This will encourage him to do more.
  16. When he’s talking about something boring, listen and nod your head. Even ask questions to make it seem like you’re interested.
  17. Encourage him to do good deeds.
  18. If he’s in a bad mood, give him some space. He’ll get over it, inshaAllah.
  19. Thank him sincerely for providing you with food and shelter. It’s a big deal.
  20. If he’s angry with you and starts yelling, let him yell it out while you’re quiet. You will see your fight will end a lot faster. Then when he’s calm, you can tell him your side of the story and how you want him to change something.
  21. When you’re mad at him, don’t say “YOU make me furious”, rather, “This action makes me upset”. Direct your anger to the action and circumstance rather than at him.
  22. Remember that your husband has feelings, so take them into consideration.
  23. Let him chill with his friends without guilt, especially if they’re good guys. Encourage him to go out, so he doesn’t feel “cooped up” at home.
  24. If your husband is annoyed over a little thing you do (and you can control it), then stop doing it. Really.
  25. Learn how to tell him what you expect without him having to guess all the time. Learn to communicate your feelings.
  26. Don’t get mad over small things. It’s not worth it.
  27. Make jokes. If you’re not naturally funny, go on the internet and read some jokes, and then tell them to him.
  28. Tell him you’re the best wife ever and compliment yourself on certain things you know you’re good at.
  29. Learn to make his favorite dish.
  30. Don’t ever, EVER talk bad about him with friends or family unnecessarily. If they end up agreeing with you, you will see that it hits you back in the face b/c you get more depressed that you have a bad husband and other people also think you have a bad husband.
  31. Use your time wisely and get things accomplished. If you’re a housewife, take online classes and get active in your community. This will make you happy and a secondary bonus is that it impresses your husband.
  32. Do all of the above fee sabeelillah and you will see Allah put barakah in everything you do.
  33. Husband and wife should discuss and communicate with wisdom with each other to convey what they like and dislike of each other to do or not to do. NOT give command or instruction like servant. “They are garment to each other”
  34. Tell your husband you love him many many times. A’ishah narrated that the Prophet (peace and blessings be upon him) used to ask her how strong her love for him, she said like “a knot” and the next time round he would ask her, “How is that knot?” He also used to reply to her saying, “Jazzakillah, O Aishah, wallahi, you have not rejoiced in me as I have rejoiced in you.” (anyone knows the source?)
  35. Have a race with your husband and let him win, even if you are much fitter and stronger than him. Ha ha ha (I think brother Shehab mentioned this too)
  36. Keep fit and take care of your health so you will remain a strong mother, wife, cook and housekeeper, insha’Allah you will not get FAT and frumpy.
  37. Refine and cultivate good mannerisms i.e do not whine, don’t laugh or talk too loud or walk like an elephant.
  38. Do not leave the house without his permission and certainly not without his knowledge.
  39. Make sure all his clothes are clean and pressed so he is always looking fresh and crisps.
  40. Ask Allah to strengthen and preserve the bonds of compassion and love between the two of you, every day, every prayer. Ask him to protect that bond from Shaytaan. When a lesser devil destroys the love between spouses, he is the most beloved of Shaytaan. Nothing works like du’ah, and love only exists between spouses where Allah instills it.
  41. They say that the way to a man’s heart is through his stomach. I have a feeling this is true.
  42. Always let him know that you appreciate him working and bringin home the dough. It makes it easier for him to go to work.
  43. Make sure you ALWAYS have something for dinner.
  44. Brush your hair… everyday.
  45. Don’t forget to do laundry.
  46. Surprise him with gifts. Even necessities can be gifts.. ex: new shoes.(I do this at least once a week, and he loooves it).
  47. Listen to him. (Even when he talks about extreeemely geeky things like Access Queries, Tables and other boring accounting things.)
  48. Try (hard as it might be) to take interest in his hobbies. (I bowl once a week now….even got pink bowling shoes and a shorter abaya) – Try (very very HARD) not to go shopping too much…and spend all his money
  49. Look attractive and its ok/good to be seductive towards him.
  50. Learn tricks and “techniques” to please your husband in intimacy. Of course goes both ways.
  51. Prepare for special evenings with him with special dinner and exclusive time (no children permitted :) ).
  52. Take care of your skin, esp. facial. Face is center of attraction.
  53. If you not satisfied intimatly, talk to him and tell him. Help him or provide resources, don’t wait till matters become worse.
  54. Don’t discuss important/controversial matters with him when he is tired or sleepy. Find right time for right discussion.
  55. Learn to compromise
  56. Continue to do things for your husband and don’t take him for granted
  57. Respect his rights
  58. Whatever you do for him, intend it for the sake of Allah
  59. Make chai for him or whatever hot drink he likes… it will sooth his ‘rough edges’
  60. Take a day to listen to him only, even if he says only a bit. Don’t interject and don’t talk about your issues.

———–
Here’s the other list… we couldn’t quite get to 100! But you are welcome to help add to this as well, I’ll keep editing the post if you have points to add to this side of the issue.

Ahmad Shehab – 60 Ways to Keep Your Wife’s Love – Guaranteed (thanks to Muslim Apple for transcribing)
1. Make her feel secure and sakinah – don’t threaten her with divorce
2. Give sincere salaams
3. Treat her gently – like a fragile vessel
4. Advise in private, at the best time, in the best way and atmosphere
5. Be generous with her
6. Warm the seat for her, you will warm her heart
7. Avoid anger, keep wudu at all times
8. Look good and smell great for your wife
9. Don’t be rigid or harsh-hearted or you will be broken
10. Be a good listener
11. Yes for flattery, No for arguing
12. Call your wife with the best names, cute nicknames, names she loves to hear
13. A pleasant surprise
14. Preserve and guard the tongue
15. Expect, accept, and overlook her shortcomings
16. Give sincere compliments
17. Encourage her to keep good relations with her family
18. Speak of the topic of her interest
19. Express to her relatives, how wonderful she is
20. Give each other gifts
21. Get rid of routine, surprise her
22. Have a good opinion of each other
23. Have good manners, overlook small things, don’t nitpick
24. Add a drop of patience, increase during pregnancy, menses
25. Expect and respect her jealously
26. Be humble
27. Sacrifice your happiness for hers
28. Help at home, with housework
29. Help her love your relatives, but don’t try to force her
30. Let her know that she is the ideal wife for you
31. Remember your wife in dua
32. Leave the past for Allah subhanahu wa ta ala, don’t dwell on, dig into, or bring it up.
33. Don’t act as if you are doing her a favor by working or providing, Allah is the Provider, the husband is the carrier of the sustenance to the family
34. Take shaytaan as your enemy, not your wife
35. Put food in your wife’s mouth
36. Treat your wife like she is the most precious pearl that you want to protect
37. Show her your smile
38. Don’t ignore the small things, deal with them before they become big
39. Avoid being harsh-hearted
40. Respect and show that you appreciate her thinking
41. Help her to find and build her inner strengths and skills
42. Respect that she might not be in mood for intimacy, stay within halal boundaries
43. Help her take care of the children
44. Give her gifts with your tongue, be an artist with your compliments
45. Sit down and eat meals together
46. Let her know that you will be traveling or returning from travel, give her sufficient notice
47. Don’t leave home in anger
48. Maintain the secrecy and privacy of the home
49. Encourage each other in ibaadat
50. Respect and Fulfill her rights upon you
51. Live with her in kindness, goodness, fairness in good and bad times
52. Kiss your wife, foreplay, “Don’t jump on her like a bull”
53. Keep disputes between the two of you, don’t take it outside
54. Show care for her health and well-being
55. Remember you are not always right or perfect yourself
56. Share your happiness and sadness with her
57. Have mercy for her weaknesses
58. Be a firm support for her to lean on
59. Accept her as is, she is a package deal
60. Have a good intention for her

Readers added (special mention Khawla Hurayrah):

61. During Ramadhan, 6 days of Shawwal, Mondays & Thursdays etc. wake up well before fajr and prepare a special wholesome suhoor for her
62. Feed her the suhoor you made for her :)
63. Designate a nice, clean, spacious area in your home for the 2 of you to pray at night whenever you can. Keep it smelling nice and fresh with incense etc.
64. Women love flowers. Make her something special, a decorative jewelry case or even a poem. Then get a bunch of rose petals and make a trail of them on the floor – leading to the gift you made for her.
65. Make a short song about how she looks as radiant as the moon and mention what a beautiful and special creature she is. Sing it to her acapella. The more horrible your voice is, the better :)
66. Teach the wife the famous long hadith of A’ishah RH about Umm Zarr.
67. Give her a nice massage when she least expects it.
68. Send your wife a text message out of the blue with a message of love
69. Send your wife an email without a reason
70. Go out on a date (yes dates WITH YOUR WIFE are HALAL after marriage!) monthly or set up some schedule and follow it religiously, WITHOUT the kids.
71. Plan a get-away for a weekend in a nice location, preferably without kids (may be stuck with infants).
72. Do something for your wife’s family, whether it is a gift, or a chat with her teen brother who needs mentoring, or whatever. It will get you LOTS of brownie points.
73. If the husband needs to give her advice of something delicate, tell her with wisdom, good timing and when she is in good health without the woes of menses.
74. Do not keep reminding and demanding your rights all the time. Ibn Abbas reported to having said: “I fear Allah from demanding my rights from my wife for I worry that I will not be able to fulfill mine of hers”
75. Open the door for her and help carry her humongous ‘Coach’ or Target bags.
76. Shop groceries for her and call her from the store and ask her what she needs for the home, for herself or for her to give to people as gifts.
77. Ask her if she would like to invite her sister-friends over for ladies get together dinner and cook for them too!!!
78. Continue with her practice of giving gifts to her parents and siblings. Ask her what she thinks they might be in need of. Only if one can afford it.
79. Help her parents pay off debt or if they are ill. Send her poor relatives some money every year in Ramadhan and also for them to sacrifice for Udhiah during Eid ul Adha. Or even offer to send them to make Hajj if one can afford it.
80. Write love notes or poems and place them in the book she’s been reading for her to find. Also place them in her jacket pocket or drawer.
81. If the wife tell the husband something that she had just learned from the Qur’an or hadith book, do not dismiss her or ridicule her effort, instead listen to her and take her word.
82. Hey, why not take her for Hajj or Umrah if this have not been performed yet, better than Coach bags.
83. Plant her, a rose garden!!! Or better plant her, a kitchen garden with all kind of herbs she needs for cooking.
84. Adopt a kitten for her if she likes animal (only if one knows how to care for cats)
85. Get her a new car to replace her old problematic banger; or take her car for maintenance and wash it too.
86. Upgrade her pc or lap-top to a new version with bigger memory; or upgrade her cell phone to the one with itunes and download her favorite Surah recitors.
87. Learn to do special massage technique and surprise her with your new expertise. (This one was mentioned during the TDC lecture for sisters only program)
88. Teach your children some relevant Islamic etiquettes pertaining to respecting and honoring their mother.
89. Be humorous with her when she made a mistake in the kitchen, like putting too much salt or burnt her baking. And never ever threaten her that you’ll take a second wife.

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Abu Reem is one of the founders of MuslimMatters, Inc. His identity is shaped by his religion (Islam), place of birth (Pakistan), and nationality (American). By education, he is a ChemE, topped off with an MBA from Wharton. He has been involved with Texas Dawah, Clear Lake Islamic Center and MSA. His interests include politics, cricket, and media interactions. Career-wise, Abu Reem is in management in the oil & gas industry (but one who still appreciates the "green revolution").

56 Comments

56 Comments

  1. Amad

    Amad

    March 13, 2007 at 8:34 AM

    No suggestions?? It could be only one of two things: (a) Husbands are already ‘hooked’ firmly so wives don’t want to indulge in any more things to keep up with or (b) Husbands are pleased enough with everything their wives do. Well, EVEN if that is true, which I doubt strongly, why not share some of your secrets? It’s okay to be controversial. And you may actually earn some brownie points with your wife. Sisters: you are more than welcome to contribute, telling us what you think husbands want.

    Just like the previous list, many of these are generalizations, and may not apply to everyone. So, we don’t want to be accused of stereotyping! So, I’ll start the List:

    X Ways to Keep Your Husband’s Love:

    1. Behave like a female, i.e. all the tenderness of a female… a man doesn’t want a man for his wife (well, let’s say normal a man!).
    2. Dress pleasantly/attractively. If you are a home-maker, don’t stay in your sleeping suit all day.
    3. Smell good (does that need further explanations).
    4. Don’t lay out all your problems on your husband as soon as he walks in. Give him a little mental break.
    5. Don’t keep asking him, “what are you thinking?”… because unlike women, men’s thoughts are as random as the results of a google search. Women on the other hand have thoughts as organized as a labeled file-cabinet!

    OK, YOUR TURN…

  2. Avatar

    Um Abdullah

    March 13, 2007 at 12:28 PM

    Hmmm, I have to think of more suggestions, yours are pretty thorough but I really want to hear what the brothers add to your new list. I already learned something, because I always do #5, it must drive my husband nuts.

  3. Avatar

    khawla hurayrah

    March 13, 2007 at 1:52 PM

    Assalamu’alaikum
    I just know it that you are going to do the same for the husbands post. Alhamdulillah and Allah knows best. The strength of the Ummah starts from a strong family bond of simply a husband and a wife. “How to raise pious children?” Sheikh Muhammad Al Sharrif asked in one of his lecture series. He said: the parents have to be righteous to start with. He mentioned that selection of suitable spouses has to start right from the beginning. Good children normally have blessed parents. I can only agree with him.

    This may not be as intellectual as one might think but like br Amad said it is very important. Br Amad, Jazzakumullahu khairan for mentioning me and other readers’ points too. I am saying, Muslims have to be smart enough, we are asked to seek knowledge and we know that marriage is half of Deen. If we don’t know the Deen then we might just end up little than half of it or even less than a quarter? No, we don’t want that. Therefore each and every one of us has to work on doing good deeds only to please your Creator.

    Just a few points on how to make your husband a happy cookie:

    * Well, Umm Reem started this post here and it speaks volume. To all wives: you don’t really know all the wisdom behind this hadith but just remember the saying “for every successful man, there is a good woman “next” to him. The world is yours if you know what Allah has in store for you. Ha ha ha.

    * Stop nagging non-stop before Allah ta’ala gives you something really to complaint about.

    * Absolutely no talking about your spousal problems to anyone you meet under the pretense of seeking help, even if you are the victim. Sister Hannah Gamal gives this advice, if you think you want to solve legitimate marital issues then go seek counseling with the right person who can give advice in either:
    1) Mediate any injustice done so any wrong can be corrected and a couple can reunite in harmony, or
    2) Amicable divorce
    Anything other, like simply talking to anyone in the street to get things off the chest is prohibited in Islam because it is backbiting if is true and slander if it is not true. Sisters, please, please, I am tired of listening to your pregnancy frets and tales of your kids antics at sisters’ halaqas….like so and so never help me with housework. No Shakwa, stop it.

    * Be kind to your mother-in-law the same way you would like your husband to be kind to your own mother.

    * Learn all the rights and obligations of each other in Islam.

    Ok, I will save some other points to some other smart brother out there.
    Sincerely, Khawla

  4. Avatar

    Hassan

    March 13, 2007 at 4:27 PM

    Well when my wife asks what am I thinking, depending on mood I either make up a good thought for her and say it (like I was thinking how wonderful of a wife u r, etc), or I tell her geeky computer issues, and she gets the message not to ask the question again (for a while).

  5. Amad

    Amad

    March 13, 2007 at 5:15 PM

    Hassan, I can believe the second one, but don’t expect me to believe that you make up the “how wonderful you are” story and your wife runs with it… I mean either you are just making this up or your wife is too nice and just lets you get away with it :) So, are you going to help us with this list???

    Khawla, great job…jak

  6. Avatar

    Hassan

    March 13, 2007 at 6:04 PM

    I think she let me go away with it…

  7. Avatar

    habiba khan

    March 13, 2007 at 7:54 PM

    I love this!!

  8. Amad

    Amad

    March 13, 2007 at 9:31 PM

    Sr. Habiba, we love this too… esp. all the men :) Pls do contribute your two cents if you wish.

    And of course, welcome to our world.

  9. Avatar

    void

    March 14, 2007 at 12:54 AM

    im not surprised by the lack of points on this post.
    Its always easier to demand rights from others than to give them theirs.
    90% of women and men dont want spouses, they just want a servant for themselves.

    its interesting to note that, the original 60 points for husbands to keep their wives happy was written by a brother. The sisters then added to it what they would like to see in their servants.. ahem.. my bad… their husbands :)

    one poster mentioned hannah gamal and she also talks about an amicable divorce and settling a strive.

    the topic is about how wives can keep their husbands happy, and still the sisters are waiting for the brothers to add points (a poster did mention that)

    okay some stats on contributions on how to please wives
    total points: 89
    bros: 66
    sis : 23
    (i dont know the timespan of the responses as the comments dont show dates, so maybe its too early to comment ont this one).
    All the 89 points require actions on the part of husbands only.

    18 of the 23 were added by only one sister who have added just 4 on this post, and has graciaously given a chance to the “smart brothers” to reply.

    i cracked up on point 74 “Do not keep reminding and demanding your rights all the time” and this is a reminder from a wife demanding from her husband. Thats really ironic :)

    i dont see this list going beyond 20-30 as most of the visitors on this site are sisters.

    it would be interesting to know that what points in the original 89 the brothers follow or are planning to follow.
    And which points (the ones that would be added on this post (hopefully) ) the sisters follow or are planning to. No specifics just a figure. e.g of 89 i follow about 50 and planning to try 20 more.

    this should be interesting.

  10. Avatar

    Nazia

    March 14, 2007 at 2:58 AM

    Assalaamu’alaikum Wa rahmatullah,

    1. Race to the door when he comes home, as if you were waiting for him. Smile and hug.

    2. Keep your house clean, at least to the level that he wants it.

    3. Compliment him on the things you know he’s not so confident about (looks, intelligence) etc. This will build his self-esteem.

    4. Tell him he’s the best husband ever.

    5. Call his family often.

    6. Give him a simple task to do at home and then thank him when he does it. This will encourage him to do more.

    7. When he’s talking about something boring, listen and nod your head. Even ask questions to make it seem like you’re interested.

    8. Encourage him to do good deeds.

    9. If he’s in a bad mood, give him some space. He’ll get over it, inshaAllah.

    10. Thank him sincerely for providing you with food and shelter. It’s a big deal.

    11. If he’s angry with you and starts yelling, let him yell it out while you’re quiet. You will see your fight will end a lot faster. Then when he’s calm, you can tell him your side of the story and how you want him to change something.

    12. When you’re mad at him, don’t say “YOU make me furious”, rather, “This action makes me upset”. Direct your anger to the action and circumstance rather than at him.

    13. Remember that your husband has feelings, so take them into consideration.

    14. Let him chill with his friends without guilt, especially if they’re good guys. Encourage him to go out, so he doesn’t feel “cooped up” at home.

    15. If your husband is annoyed over a little thing you do (and you can control it), then stop doing it. Really.

    16. Learn how to tell him what you expect without him having to guess all the time. Learn to communicate your feelings.

    17. Don’t get mad over small things. It’s not worth it.

    18. Make jokes. If you’re not naturally funny, go on the internet and read some jokes, and then tell them to him.

    19. Tell him you’re the best wife ever and compliment yourself on certain things you know you’re good at.

    20. Learn to make his favorite dish.

    21. Don’t ever, EVER talk bad about him with friends or family unnecessarily. If they end up agreeing with you, you will see that it hits you back in the face b/c you get more depressed that you have a bad husband and other people also think you have a bad husband.

    22. Use your time wisely and get things accomplished. If you’re a housewife, take online classes and get active in your community. This will make you happy and a secondary bonus is that it impresses your husband.

    23. Do all of the above fee sabeelillah and you will see Allah put barakah in everything you do.

    Wasalaamu’alaikum Wa rahmatullah

  11. Avatar

    void

    March 14, 2007 at 6:25 AM

    oh my…. i just couldnt help myself cracking up. im at work and got a bit of looks as well.

    3. Compliment him on the things you know he’s not so confident about (looks, intelligence) etc. This will build his self-esteem.

    – heres a coversation
    “honey i know you are as ugly as an orangutan, and so dumb that u cant tell a toaster from a washing machine, but to me u r brad
    pitt with an IQ of 410”
    sisters PLEASE dont tell ur husbands that they r ugly and dumb, dont try to sugar coat it, most men know this already and know
    how to cope with it. u r just gonna make it worse. remember sisters u r not the mothers of ur husbands.

    4. Tell him he’s the best husband ever.

    – so how many husbands have u had?… sisters PLEASE dont use this one. seriously

    6. Give him a simple task to do at home and then thank him when he does it. This will encourage him to do more.

    -so the main purpose is still to make him work more. i cant beleive that the intentions is still to get the max out of that slob.

    11. If he’s angry with you and starts yelling, let him yell it out while you’re quiet. You will see your fight will end a lot faster. Then
    when he’s calm, you can tell him your side of the story and how you want him to change something.

    – so the basic assupmtion is that he is wrong and how YOU WANT HIM to change. its still an action that is required on the part of
    the husband not urs. way to go..

    12. When you’re mad at him, don’t say “YOU make me furious”, rather, “This action makes me upset”. Direct your anger to the
    action and circumstance rather than at him.

    – This is what i call “pulling a dr.phill”. so some tv expert tells u to “place the blame on the actions not people. it will make the
    accused more at ease and rather than focussing on the character it focuses on the actions which can be corrected. By doing this
    you are not accusing his inner self but his outwardly actions. Men like that, beacuse men are more ficussed on “doing
    things”…….” and so on so forth…
    Now when sis try this, the hubby reacts in a tangent.
    because trust me “you” or “this actions” doesnt make any difference .. it always transacribes as “YOU MESSED UP”… and when hubby gets upset the sis thinks thats what not page 76 of “family first” said.. he was supposed to say “Yes i realize my fault, and i will do whatever you say, so what do you want me to do (and shed a tear or two as well)”.
    Something wrong with this picture… sure is.. because Dr. phill also told you how ur hubby is “supposed to react” and when things
    dont go accroding to page 76 and the quiz of appendix C, sis thinks “my hubby sucks …. there is something terribly wrong with
    this brother.. o Allah why me????”

    16. Learn how to tell him what you expect without him having to guess all the time. Learn to communicate your feelings.

    – yeha make sure that you TELL HIM what YOU EXPECT from HIM.
    i dont know why it just reminded me of point 74 again.

    18. Make jokes. If you’re not naturally funny, go on the internet and read some jokes, and then tell them to him.

    – please dont give me lines from the internet, a man immediately knows when some one not natural tries tobe one. Its a talent
    every man has to tell the fakes from naturals. Its a major fake and a turn off. especially for women. u just laugh at his jokes and
    u’ll be the funniest woman ever. Dont try tobe something u r not, honestly.

    hubby conversing with mates
    “so she again try to tell me that “volks wagen engine at the back joke”… she thought changing the make of the car makes it a whole new joke..”
    mates
    “oh no man.. not again…. let me cheer u up”
    mates tell hubby a brand new shining joke
    hubby tears up while laughing and thinks
    “why cant she tell ajoke like that??? o Alah why me????”

    19. Tell him you’re the best wife ever and compliment yourself on certain things you know you’re good at.

    – oh i think this is the funniest….
    here’s a convo between 2 sisters
    “yeh u tell him gurl.. that how lucky this good for nothing slagger is… if it werent for u, he would still be lurking around that msa
    conference and the stalls, scratching that filthy beard of his. he should be thankful to u that he’s atleast got a wife now. and u
    tell him gurl that how good u r.. u go gurl….
    now give me a huuuugggggggg!!!!!!”

    and heres how the sistah is gonna tell her hubby
    “ahhhhh….. i was just wondering about where would u be without ME. it was I who told you to change ur job. otherwise u’d still
    be going in ur jeans to work, now u r all dressed up with a coat and a tie. it was I who told you to get this nice previa or townace
    or whatever. Dont I make the BEST baklava .. like evah!!!.. that u just love so much… dont I pick the best closthes for you, I am
    so pretty and educated and my father owns his own business, I had tons of proposals from doctors, engineers and business men.
    Dr. Omer also proposed to me and just last week he gave his wife a new cute green beatle on her birthday….You just gave me a
    fake knockoff necklace and well face it on ur own u could have never gotten a wife like me. You should be thnakful that I said
    yes..”

    and the hubby is thinking
    “i loved my old job, i could fold my jeans wothout a problem, no knee marks on the trousers, all my mates were there… the work was great,
    i hate this car, it just drags its tail for years and never responds to when i put the accelaror down and it just drinks gas like a bloody
    sailor and oh my god i can practically see the gas tank gadge dropping.. i practically saw it….
    i hate ur baklava, no one makes
    baklava like mom’s…. no one.. and no one can….
    i hate this green turtle neck.. i hate it… im relieved my mates from the old job didnt see me in this…
    i hate this dr omer fellow, who is this guy neways… i hate him…
    well birthdays are just plain haram… ”

    interruped by

    “so what r u thinking… ”
    hubby replies
    “ummmmmm.. honey u r right .. i love u…. ”
    and continues thinking
    “man…that was a bloody hell of a game last week… that new guy is very good.. i have to learn that dribble from him.. and i did block him once.. that was kooollll”

    21. Don’t ever, EVER talk bad about him with friends or family unnecessarily….

    – so its alright to talk bad about him when its necessary?..

    22. Use your time wisely and get things accomplished. If you’re a housewife, take online classes and get active in your
    community. This will make you happy and a secondary bonus is that it impresses your husband.

    – for some husbands the get active in the community is not a big thing… so please make sure that you are very clear on ur hubbys point of view. If u try to do it on ur own.. its gonna really make him angry… and hit u hard…

    sisters please dont try to impress ur hubbys…. we dont want to be impressed by u. trust me. u r not their to impress us. most of em are already impressed by u and that is ahy they put up with u..
    when u try to impress the hubys they can clearly see through it and it just makes u appear immature and childish and makes the hubbies annoyed

    im not still surprised that this list still demands action from husbands.
    but i’ll give credit where its due. sister nazia did mention some of the points that were very valid and thankyou very much for sharing and her effort is applausible..

    wow.. the list got bigger and closing to 30, or is it really?

  12. Avatar

    void

    March 14, 2007 at 7:02 AM

    i just read the first one again

    1. Race to the door when he comes home, as if you were waiting for him. Smile and hug.

    – sometimes hubbies are stressed out at work and are angry with their bosses, employees, colleagues, the car race he lost while coming home (yes we dont tell u but we often race while alone), etc. most MEN know how to handle it.
    when they come home they are annoyed, please sisters KNOW the moods of ur husband, if he is annoyed, dont try to hug him and smile at his face the moment he enters the house. Its just gonna annoy him further and hes gonna think “Oh Allah why me????”
    if he comes home and steps forward to kiss u on ur forehead. he is happy and now u can smile, chirp and hug him (while hugging please dont tell him to go and take a shower. seriously. dont do that)
    if he has that look.. just say ur salam. take his laptop away and put it where HE PUTS it, not where YOU would like it to be put it. give him his slippers or ask the kids to bring them for him. take the kids away and just let him relax for 10-15 minutes. give him somehting to drink water, tea, juice, his anger, what ever he likes.
    He can handle all the tensions, its his job to do that.
    The worse that u would do is start the sentence by saying ..
    “munnay kay abba, u know what munna did today” or
    “i bought a chase or whatever bag today”
    “Dr. omer is taking his wife to bahamas for a vacation next week” or
    “i am going out to do some community work, there is this sister whose husband beats hear and i need to console her”

    that would just do it for the hubby.
    or do all these if u really want him to do that incredible hulk thingy for the kids…

    and also i just want to clear on point 22 of my earlier comment when i wrote
    “If u try to do it on ur own.. its gonna really make him angry… and hit u hard…”
    IT DOES NOT MEAN THAT THE HUBBY IS GONNA HIT YOU HARD.
    I meant that the whole sceanrio is gonna hit you. You are gonna lose a lot of trust and this thing is gonna hit u.
    MEANING
    the whole situation will not be good for u.
    the situation.. not the hubby… :)

  13. Amad

    Amad

    March 14, 2007 at 9:29 AM

    Sorry, this comment is going to be long. WE HAVE 33 WAYS now… 27 TO GO.
    ————————————————————
    salam… I am glad we have got a conversation going.

    Void, don’t know whether to thank you for your research and “in-depth” analysis or to scold you for being so sarcastic. So, I won’t do either for purposes of objectivity :)

    Let me respond a bit then to some of the points raised:

    -The list to please the husband is much harder and I think an important reason is our fear to not sound too sexist. In other words, men don’t want to say the wrong (or right) thing and offend the sensitivity of the females, fearing sounding too “traditional”. Some credit for this goes to the overbearing media and Western “intellectuals” who have continually bombarded Muslim sensibilities in regards to treatment of women. So, even though we have nothing to be ashamed about in our religious traditions, we can sometimes become excessively ‘careful’. This is similar to the affect of the Patriot Act on Muslims. Even though the vast majority of us have nothing to worry about in regards to ‘suspicious’ activities, we still sometimes go overboard in quelling our rhetoric for the fear that we may be targeted.

    -Though ‘void’ seems to be a brother, I would have assumed him to be female based on his nitpicking, had he not given the clues (did I say that?); I think his wife will have a hard time keeping him happy (no offense intended :), all in jest). My takes are a little different on Sr. Nazia’s comments

    – (1) I think that is cool. If a man can’t shake off his ‘mood’ to hug and kiss his wife, then shame on him. In fact, I think if the wife comes racing to do so, it will help be a psychological boost for him to counter the boss-wacking he got at work, as in “at least someone cares!”

    -(3)/(4) Complimenting your husband on the not-so-great things he has is also a good thing. Even if your husband does look like Mick Jagger, so what? It is all in the eyes of the beholder. Stroking a man’s ego, despite what you think he knows or believes, cannot but help.

    -(6) Ok, I’ll agree a bit more on Void on this one. But the part of thanking him is definitely important, even if he just fixes the door knob. It goes with my previous comment. AND sisters, if you want your husband to do something, do not NAG. Let him take his time, and just depend on gentle, INfrequent reminders.

    -(11) Depends… Sometimes the husband wants a yelling match to know that you are listening! But use of Prophetic techniques like sitting down, lying down, wudu, could help too.

    -(12) When you are mad at him, find the right time to say it. That is more important than pointing to what caused it. Nevertheless, #12 is a good point though because by being specific to what the problem is, husbands (who are more logical than emotional) may provide a solution. On the other hand, many times women don’t want solutions… so that may not work either.

    -(16) Definitely like 16. But then the wife will say “why do i have to spoon-feed you everything, u should know what i want by now!”… I think a better solution would be to give MASSIVE hints. Like if you want to go eat outside, say something like “I feel like a halal burger today, what do u think honey?”

    -(19) Void–that was funny. But I agree with Nazia again on this. You see sometimes women just need to assert their value. Just like at work, sometimes you need to make sure the boss sees how important you are. And yes, NEVER, bring up “Dr. Omer is interested in me”!

    -(21) This is important. One Shaykh I know… his wife NEVER talks bad about him with her friends, etc. even when there were valid issues she could be sharing. It is so much better to keep the secrets of home life to the home. Unless of course there is some violence or some other form of serious problem going on. Even then, talk to the right people/authorities.

    -(22) Well, I think women do need to get involved in the community. But they need to balance their time and not affect their relationship with their husbands (goes both ways). On the other hand, some husbands just want their wives 100% for them…in this case, the wife should try to get some online classes for the hubby rather than herself.

    GREAT… So, we are over 30 points… even if they are not completely unanimous, they STILL count. Let’s keep it going. This is AWESOME.

  14. Avatar

    Umm Reem

    March 14, 2007 at 10:01 AM

    Nazia: MashaAllah these are really good points! Especially for a newly wed. May Allah azzawjal bless you two.

    When I was getting married a sister advised me, “no matter what happens, don’t ever complain to your mother about your husband.”
    I didn’t understand it but I still acted upon it. Later I realized how good her advice was.

    A mother cannot forget what her son-in-law did to her daughter and would always hold it against him, whereas a wife can easily forgive whatever happened between her and her husband and forget all about it. Then she would still want a good relationship between her husband and mother (2 most important people in her life) which may not be the same again. She would want her mother to have love and respect for her husband but her mother may not be able to do that (very natural)…and that is when the wife will regret complaining to her mother!

    As for the rights of husband/wife, I remember once Sh. Waleed said something so beautiful, he said something to the effect that a marriage should not come down to the point of ‘his rights and her rights’ then it will be what husband/wife do bare minimum for each other, rather it should always be whatever can be done out of love and respect. His advice really benefited me a lot! (jazaAllahu khair)

    With regards to the ‘pleasing wife’ list being so long, well…when a person is in the position of authority, he has to be more concerned about how to be just and please those he is in authority over, and those under his authority: well, they have already accepted an authority, now what else does he want!! :)

  15. Avatar

    khawla hurayrah

    March 14, 2007 at 11:37 AM

    Assalamu’alaikum
    Jazzakillah sister Nazia for all your many wonderful points. I like all of them but whatever, they ought to be done with love and sincerity for the sake of pleasing Allah. Brother Void is one husband really funny and the same time playing hard to please. I agree with br Amad comments.

    I must say that I am a bit dissapointed because I was waiting for points from the brothers to let the sisters know what really pleases them. We are not mind readers because I have heard complaints from sisters like the lack of communication between spouses.

    My point for now is:
    Husband and wife should discuss and communicate with wisdom with each other to convey what they like and dislike of each other to do or not to do. NOT give command or instruction like servant. “They are garment to each other”

    Barakallah fe kum for the good spouses
    ~khawla

  16. Avatar

    Um Abdullah

    March 14, 2007 at 5:00 PM

    Yes,

    brothers be honest, inquiring minds want to know.

    Sister Nazia great points,

    I don’t remember reading this one but let your husband enjoy his sports or hobbies without nagging him about it. Men really need their sports fix and they need their time with other brothers.

  17. Avatar

    Muslimah

    March 14, 2007 at 7:48 PM

    awwwwwwwwwwww too cute.. I wish i get a hubby like that

  18. Avatar

    void

    March 15, 2007 at 3:57 AM

    i didnt expect any sister to agree with me obviously coz of gender bias.. but thats okay with me, i really dont mind. honestly.

    bro Amad has to balance the opinions to keep his “audience”. but i hear ya bro. Also he is tag teaming with his other half (yup its eveident from ur points.. a big hint was point 21) and thats not fair :)
    and why the points STILL count….
    ahhhannnnn ….ammmm im not playing ;)
    and i want my wickets and my bat and my ball back… NOW….

    sister UmmReem is never evah gonna put anything in writing for a later an onrecord quote to be used by her significant other, she is a wise diplomat (in all the positive senses) and all the sisters whose hubbys might stumble upon here :)

    three cheers for sis khawla for boldly stating the truth
    “We are not mind readers”
    all other sisters… please listen to this wise one.

    why are you disappointed sister that no brother has spoken.
    me, me, me, meeeeeeeeeeeeeee
    (it reminds me of men in black 1 , when anthony lee was screaming eat meeeee. eaaaaattt meeeeee….. in front of that gorgeous looking insect)

    and no (may Allah protect me) im certainly not a husband (may Allah protect me from committing this mistake).
    Marriage sucks in today’s society (okay now u can throw the hooplah about condemning me to having a half deen and better stop reading ibn tamiyyah, as he also had half a deen).

    I am not anti-marriage, i think its great and have lots of benifits but requires a lot of work, and im a lazy person (so im the one to blame, im a lazy, good for nothing bad man.. i agree …).

    I would love to be able to adopt a couple of kids though, if they let me. I could not be a foster parent this year coz of a smaller house and less number of years in this particular community, but hopefully i’ll get the status in a couple of years. The social worker was very encouraging and hopeful.

    wow… so the sisters are still waiting for the brothers to tell them how they want to be loved by their wives i.e you…
    c’mon sisters.
    just say it already, that you would like to do for your hussbies EXACTLY what you want them to do for you, and more.

    sis muslimah…. ahhh.. nothing :)

    may Allah grant you ALL,
    the most congenial, righteous and politest of all spouses. May Allah give you extremely happy and satisfied married lifes and give you righteous and obedient children. May my Rabbi increase your imaan by the second and make you all the best of the people. May my Rabbi make you follw the paths of the righteous and saved ones.

    Most of my commnets, although serious, were in good humor and i solemnly and whole heartedly apologise if i have caused offense to anyone. Please firgive me for my mistakes and insensitivities.
    and pray for Dr. Omer :)

  19. Amad

    Amad

    March 15, 2007 at 7:09 AM

    salam, bro. void, ok you got me there. I think tag-teaming should be prohibited :)

    And I think, even though u were a little brazen in ur remarks (not being married tells us why!), I think most of us enjoyed the humor.

    Keep Dr. Omer AWAY!

  20. Avatar

    Safa

    March 15, 2007 at 7:51 AM

    what a great post….and even better comment section….I know I came in here planning to add something…..but alas…..it seems it’s just going to be my name to the list.

  21. muslimmatters

    muslimmatters

    March 15, 2007 at 8:42 AM

    Humor pertinent to this post… enjoy this condensed version:
    ————-
    A store that sells husbands has just opened in New York City, where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates. You may visit the store ONLY ONCE!

    There are four floors. There is, however, a catch. … You may choose any man from a particular floor, or you may choose to go up a floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building! So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband..

    On the first floor the sign on the door reads:
    Floor 1 – These men have jobs and love the Lord, and love kids.
    The woman moves on.
    *********
    The second floor sign reads:
    Floor 2 – These men have jobs, love the Lord, and love kids,and are extremely good looking.
    The woman thinks about it, but wants more…
    *********
    The third floor sign reads:
    Floor 3 – These men have jobs, love the Lord, love kids, are drop- dead good looking and help with the housework.
    “Oh, mercy me!” she exclaims, “I can hardly stand it!” She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the forth floor and the sign reads:
    *********
    Floor 4 – You are visitor 4,363,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please.

    Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store. Watch your step as you exit the building, and have a nice day!

  22. Avatar

    khawla hurayrah

    March 15, 2007 at 12:53 PM

    Assalamu’alaikum

    * Tell your husband you love him many many times. Sister Nazia said communicate your feelings!!! Well, even if he knows it already, he may have short memory span problem. A’ishah narrated that the Prophet (peace and blessings be upon him) used to ask her how strong her love for him, she said like “a knot” and the next time round he would ask her, “How is that knot?” He also used to reply to her saying, “Jazzakillah, O Aishah, wallahi, you have not rejoiced in me as I have rejoiced in you.” (anyone knows the source?)

    Obviously, he was very easy to please.

    * Have a race with your husband and let him win, even if you are much fitter and stronger than him. Ha ha ha (I think brother Shehab mentioned this too)

    * Keep fit and take care of your health so you will remain a strong mother, wife, cook and housekeeper, insha’Allah you will not get FAT and frumpy.

    * Refine and cultivate good mannerisms i.e do not whine, don’t laugh or talk too loud or walk like an elephant.

    * Do not leave the house without his permission and certainly not without his knowledge.

    * Make sure all his clothes are clean and pressed so he is always looking fresh and crisps.

    The bat is now back to the brothers.

    Barakallahu feek
    ~khawla

  23. Avatar

    Ravenous

    March 15, 2007 at 7:21 PM

    Assalaamu alaykum,

    Not sure if this was mentioned, but here’s one:

    *Ask Allah to strengthen and preserve the bonds of compassion and love between the two of you, every day, every prayer. Ask him to protect that bond from Shaytaan. When a lesser devil destroys the love between spouses, he is the most beloved of Shaytaan. Nothing works like du’ah, and love only exists between spouses where Allah instills it.

    ma’assalaam,
    Asiya

  24. Avatar

    iMuslim

    March 15, 2007 at 8:29 PM

    Salaams all,

    This is a nice place, mashallah.

    Anyway, i’m not sure what to say seeing as i am another sister, and also, i’m not married! But i’ll have a go, anyway.

    They say that the way to a man’s heart is through his stomach. I have a feeling this is true. Not in a trivial way, either. One of the most popular and significant family-orientated activities is sitting together at the table to share dinner. We gain such pleasure from eating, and hunger can cause such unrest. Why do people splash out such large amounts of money on eating at fancy restaurants? It’s all about the psychology.

    The only problem is that no-one beats ‘mum’, when it comes to cooking; even if mum is not that great a cook! So my tip would be for sisters to humble themselves, and learn how to cook from the master chef: his mother. You’ll most likely never get it completely right, but i think even 90% close will have a significant effect. This is much easier, and most likely inevitable, if you end up in a typical Desi household, where girls tend to live with their in-laws at the start of the marriage. It could also prove a nice bonding exercise between you and the MIL.

    I think it’s also best not to tell your hubby whose recipe you’re following, else he’ll really make an effort to compare your skills to that of his mother’s, and it’ll all end in tears! So mum’s the word, OK?

    Wa’salam

  25. Avatar

    iMuslim

    March 15, 2007 at 8:35 PM

    Hey, speaking of MILs… does anyone have a ‘100 ways to get on with the MIL’ list? I am sure both the husbands & the wives would benefit from such advice! In-laws can be just as much a source of marital strife as inter-spousal conflicts. That’s your next entry right there, bro Amad!

  26. Avatar

    iluvmyhubby

    March 21, 2007 at 3:01 AM

    Assalamu Alaikum,

    I just found this site thru Sr. Ruth’s old site…its awesome.
    I really liked the lists….the wife one was nice… Athough the husband one needs work.

    Anyhow, Sr. Nazia, good job coming up with that; I do agree with some of them, such as greeting your hubby after work. And void, even if the husband is having a “mood,” it usually dissipates with the greeting and hug.
    Also, letting him hang out with his friends….thats a tough one. It took me awhile to perfect that.. :) Especially the “without guilt” part.

    As for the MIL and food….my hubby looooooves MY moms cooking better than anyone else’s…including his own mom!! So, thats interesting… although he does tell me I cook better than her. Yeah right, like i’m gonna believe that!!

    Which reminds me..I do have a few to add to the list:

    – Always let him know that you appreciate him working and bringin home the dough. It makes it easier for him to go to work.

    – Make sure you ALWAYS have something for dinner.

    – Brush your hair… everyday.

    – Don’t ever forget to do laundry.

    – Surprise him with gifts. Even necessities can be gifts.. ex: new shoes.(I do this at least once a week, and he loooves it).

    – Listen to him. (Even when he talks about extreeemely geeky things like Access Queries, Tables and other boring accounting things.)

    – Try (hard as it might be) to take interest in his hobbies. (I bowl once a week now….even got pink bowling shoes and a shorter abaya)

    – Try (very very HARD) not to go shopping too much…and spend all his money :)

    Thats it for now…I had some more in my head but can’t seem to remember them and realllly need to get back to studying anyways.

    -me

  27. Avatar

    S.

    March 22, 2007 at 1:25 PM

    Here are a few important ones from a man’s (husband) perspective, sorry they are little ‘sensitive’ but they are very important too. Islam is not shy about matters in halal relationships, otherwise people will be looking for haram ways to fulfil their desires:

    -Look attractive and its ok/good to be seductiv towards him.
    -Learn tricks and “techniqes” to please your husband in intimacy. Of course goes both ways.
    -Prepare for special evenings with him with special dinner and exclusive time (no children permitted :) ).
    -Take care of your skin, esp. facial. Face is center of attraction.
    -If you not satisfied intimatly, talk to him and tell him. Help him or provide resources, don’t wait till matters become worse.
    -Don’t discuss important/controversial matters with him when he is tired or sleepy. Find right time for right discussion.

  28. Amad

    Amad

    March 22, 2007 at 5:07 PM

    Thanks S. for some interesting suggestions… we are now at 54, wow! 90% complete.
    Anyone for the last 6 to complete this amazing reader-generated list??

  29. Avatar

    tahsinthree

    March 28, 2007 at 4:52 PM

    A happy marriage is falling in love many times…….

    Always with the same person!

    -in other words, learn to compromise, continue to do things for your spouse and don’t take your spouse for granted, respect each other’s rights, do not abuse those rights and whatever you do or intend to do make it for the sake of Allah

  30. Avatar

    AnonyMouse

    April 3, 2007 at 12:32 AM

    “And how do we implement?”

    Although it’s not between a husband and wife, in my house we have this magnetic notepad (very colourful, with a funny picture and caption on top) that we’ve got stuck on the fridge… we’ll all write random things on it, even have bizarre conversations – and important points tend to get across better when they’re written on the notepad than when we’re actually told!

  31. Pingback: 89 Ways to Keep Your Wife's Love - Guaranteed « ekhlas

  32. Avatar

    Waqar Shareef

    April 9, 2007 at 9:44 AM

    I would like to add one item to the list on how to keep husband’s love.

    61) not everything is his fault. Learn to take responsibilities of your own actions :)

  33. Avatar

    Qisas.com

    May 16, 2007 at 12:28 PM

    One key thing always to remember is to ‘put yourself in the other persons shoes’.

    Works wonders.

    Plus the time given advice, that we need to hear “Time heals” whenever a disagreement happens or arguments.

    Great tips, will save it!

  34. Avatar

    shaz

    June 8, 2007 at 11:08 AM

    Assalaam ‘Alaykum!
    Pls Visit:
    http://muslimmarriages.wordpress.com

  35. Avatar

    Alexandra Lynch

    August 20, 2007 at 4:22 PM

    There’s a lot of good advice here.

    I have been married for thirteen years. I would tell anyone getting ready these things:

    You are now part of a “we”. Sometimes you do things not the way YOU want to do it, or your spouse wants to do it, but the way that works the best for the marriage, for the thing you’re building between you. That doesn’t mean your spouse “won”, or you “lost” or anything like that.

    Communicate. Set aside time each day where the kids won’t interrupt to not just talk about your day, but about your long-term plans and dreams and things that make you happy or make you feel good. Oh, and remember what your spouse says for the future. (wink) Then when they’re not expecting it you can give them a present or do them a present, and know that not only will they like it but it will be deep proof that you listen to them. Talk about everything, great and small. If something makes you feel bad or devalued, say so, so it can be changed.

    Work out with each other how you get angry and how you deal with it. If you get too angry to discuss, agree between you that you will go do something to blow off some anger (whatever works for you) so that you can come back and talk rationally to your spouse about the issue. If you have children, remember, you’re teaching them how to be married and how marriage works with every moment they’re with you, and that includes how to manage differences of opinion.

  36. Amad

    Amad

    August 20, 2007 at 4:47 PM

    Thanks Alexandra… that’s great advice.

  37. Avatar

    Leyla

    September 20, 2007 at 9:05 PM

    Assalamu aliakum!
    I am not sure how to add a question on here…? is it possible to ask, what does Islam say about a son-in-law kissing his mother-in-law as a way of greeting on the cheek. Also in the same way to her sisters?
    Or where could I find in detail information about this?
    Thanks…
    Masalaam

  38. Amad

    Amad

    September 20, 2007 at 10:38 PM

    Sister Leyla, I can tell you that for sure the mother-in-law is from the maharim, so she is equivalent to the man’s sister or mother or daughter in terms of what he can or cannot do with her. So, there is no problem kissing on the cheek if that is the customary greeting.

    As for the mother-in-law’s sister, from what I know is that they are not maharim, but I cannot say for sure, so anyone else who knows, please chime in.

  39. AnonyMouse

    AnonyMouse

    September 21, 2007 at 2:49 PM

    I checked with my dad – Amad’s right, the mother-in-law’s sister is not mahram, and vice versa for women (father-in-law’s brothers).

  40. Avatar

    Leyla

    September 21, 2007 at 5:31 PM

    JazakhaAllah khayr!
    Thank you so much for such a speedy response. Alhamdulillah.
    EnshaAllah may Allah bless you both in this holly month.
    MaSalaam :-)

  41. Amad

    Amad

    September 21, 2007 at 10:20 PM

    waiyaki Sr. Leyla, and may you too have a blessed Ramadan.

  42. Avatar

    Sanjida

    September 27, 2007 at 3:05 PM

    Actually, the hadith is the other way around:

    She too loved him greatly in return and often would seek reassurance from him that he loved her. Once she asked him: “How is your love for me?”

    “Like the rope’s knot,” he replied meaning that it was strong and secure. And time after time thereafter, she would ask him: “How is the knot?” and he would reply: “Ala haaliha in the same condition.”
    —-

    It was Aisha who used to seek reassurance lots of times from Muhammad (peace and blessings of Allah be upon him) to see how much he loved her.

    source: http://www.fisabilillah.org/personalities.asp
    click on “Aisha bint Abi Bakr” and scroll down. Although they didn’t state the hadith, they website is very trustworthy. And Allahu Alam.

  43. Pingback: Open Thread Sunday 4/13/2008 | MuslimMatters.org

  44. Avatar

    abd allah

    April 22, 2008 at 4:41 PM

    This is so fake. How about i give everyone some advice. BE YOURSELF. If people dont like it tough. Allah comes first

  45. Avatar

    iman

    June 19, 2008 at 2:36 AM

    28? 37?
    28 is so strange.. i never thought complimenting oneself was a good thing?
    37 is just too funny

  46. Avatar

    Rahmatullah

    July 14, 2008 at 8:25 PM

    As Salaamu Alaikum;

    I’m not married as of yet, but, insha’allah, I’m somewhat on the path and may get engaged soon. Upon reading the comments in this topic, I found that either I was so very different from other men, or– most of the Sisters didn’t understand their husbands enough. Now, there are many things a man may do to be a better husband– I am sure. However, as the brothers have more to read than the sisters, let me add a few things for our male counterparts– insha’allah, it may offer in sight, and help them in their marriage (and, be’idhnillah, mine too!).

    Firstly; Spend our money. We work hard and long so that you can enjoy the benefit. We may whine and make noise about it once in awhile, but nothing really makes a man feel worthy, unless his wife is wearing his entire net worth. (Don’t take “entire net worth” literally!)

    Secondly; Don’t cook the same ol’ same old. Many of us young men are desperate to try food that our mothers didn’t make. If you keep making the same biryani, lahmah, etc, it gets pretty boring. Also, don’t always cook. No food in the Fridge is a good excuse to go out and try a new restaurant.

    Third; Always groom yourself– inside and out. Us, good Muslim men, lower our gazes in a society where it’s really hard and “strange” to. Therefore, present us with something halaal and beautiful to keep our gazes on. Another note; don’t embarrass us in front of our friends or colleagues. If your husband is wearing a posh suit, or even just dresses nicely– meet his standards!

    Fourth; Trust us, and say that you do. Instead of saying “Did you close the door on the way out?!” either let him learn from his mistake, or let him be the one to see it– he’ll correct it himself.

    Fifth; Show him that he’s so important to you. A man needs to feel needed, in a relationship. If he doesn’t feel that you are so desperately in love with him, or are so grateful of his awesomeness, he’ll find not-so-nice alternatives to make himself feel good.

    Sixth; Show and express that you are committed to him. Tell him frankly: “You’re my heart– my heaven, in this life, and the next, insha’allah.” Make him feel that there is this powerful bond between you two.

    Seventh; Husbands try to hard to impress and please their wives. If over time, the wives don’t respond or are grateful, or show that they love the attention and care, the men will slowly turn away. A husband would climb through a window to sneak in some roses for his wife during his lunch break when she least expects it(if he could)– but if she’s like “Oh, what are you doing here? Flowers?! Go put them in the jar by the sink.” etc, it won’t just hurt her husband, it’ll make him feel angry at himself– and he’ll be less likely to try it again.

    Eight; Show that you take your husband seriously. Don’t be dismissive. He loves being taken seriously (when he’s trying to be serious– not when he’s joking).

  47. Avatar

    shadab khan

    September 24, 2008 at 9:26 AM

    i am not married ,but eager to save my future……thankyou very much……verily in quran and sunnah no matter of our life is left undisscussed

  48. Avatar

    Umm Ismael

    September 25, 2008 at 1:34 PM

    Asslam u alaikum wr wb
    Some tips for the brothers out there(I hope no condemnation on gender bias):
    Never as in NEVER discuss other women in front of your wife. To begin with it doesnt really go with the “lowering the gaze” factor and doesn’t show you in a good light in front of your wife.

    Women are naturally (and taught socially to be) well mannered (don’t burp,fart,pick ones nose etc. in front of people). Unfortunately husbands (after developing a standardized level of comfort) decide that its okay (infact intimate) to express these sounds in front of their wives. Please these things disgust the female mind much more than the male. Avoid them as much as possible.

    Women are shy by nature (generally). Do not expect them to open up particularly intimately even some years after the marriage. Give them their time and space before forcing them to declare private feelings. Please DO NOT compare tabloid/virtual women in this matter saying “…but i read that women love this etc.” Each person is an INDIVIDUAL. Respect that.

    I’ll see if I can add some more after talking to my husband :)
    Asslam u alaikum

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  52. Avatar

    15th Century Muslimah

    May 14, 2010 at 7:31 PM

    Salaam Alaikum,

    Props to sister Khawla Hurayrah, i thought your suggestions were great! but

    #57. Have mercy for her weaknesses

    Seriously?

    My dearest Brothers, how about:
    1. Respect her intelligence
    2. Encourage her to persue her career, passion, or dreams
    3. Support her by pitching in around the house so she can persue her dreams. (This works both ways, If she has something more to talk to you about then dirty diapers, the latest gossip, and how she spent all your money you will certainly be more interested in her as well)
    4. Engage in intellectually stimulating conversations with her.
    5. Ask for her opinion/advise before making decisions
    6. Dont do anything to make her feel deficient or inferior
    7. Exercize together
    8. Take interest in activities she enjoys (youre not the only one wtih hobbies and interests, and believe it or not we do more then just gossip and go shopping)
    9. Watch TV shows with her that she enjoys…yes even if its reality TV shows
    10. Read the same book together and discuss, Teach Islam to each other.

    These are things which endear me to my husband and things that muslimahs want in this day and age. Statistics show more women then men will be graduating from higher education. . And yes this also means we will be more financially self-sufficient, which means we want more out of YOU in the relationship, not just your money. We want a COMPANION. We have brains and we’re using them, so please keep up.

  53. Avatar

    muslimaSister

    October 21, 2010 at 6:20 AM

    Sadly, when only one side tries all the above and the other side simply ignores everything or continues to be unemotional (like a rock) marriage fails.

    There has to be a middle ground.

    From my bad experience in my marriage (Divorced) , a woman should never do any of those things if the husband does not try from his side. It will only make her seem desperate and too needy/clingy.

    I did all those things that a woman should do and more (really), and I got 2 out of the things a man should do to please his wife

    If however, the husband does his part of all those lists to make the wife happy, the wife will do everything in her power to make him happy.

    Please newly married women, don’t think that happiness will come from you doing everything in your power to make the man happy, because if he does not reciprocate the actions and shows his appreciation/love, then it will just lead to him to believe that he can hurt you or ignore you all he wants and you will take no actions because “you love him”

    Anyways, my apologies for the cynical opinion, though this is from my experience of 1.5 years of marriage. Alhumdillah I divorced him because I don’t need such treatment in my life.

    Ma sallama

  54. Avatar

    Ayman

    March 4, 2012 at 10:19 AM

    I can’t believe this isn’t on the list, but surely it is the main point to please a husband.

    – Surprise him with SEX as often as possible, and make it as good as possible.

    If this is good, it is very very difficult for the husband to even be a little annoyed with his wife.

  55. Aly Balagamwala | DiscoMaulvi

    Aly Balagamwala | DiscoMaulvi

    October 24, 2012 at 5:48 AM

    An excellent post to forward to a newly-wed (or even someone married for several years!)

  56. Avatar

    Uzairah Abdul Hameed

    August 18, 2014 at 2:59 AM

    Assalamualaikum …very nice masha Allah.. beneficial for every coupe. even if we already know them we must revise so to keep our married lives stronger and stronger every time we time we practice them..and surprisingly we often search for western and weird ideas from the internet instead of such beautiful and beneficial wisdom in order to please our husbands.

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Manners

Podcast: How Intimate Can a Couple be Post-Nikkah, but Pre-Marriage? | Yaser Birjas

Question:

I just had my nikkah done with my husband and we are having our rukhsati done soon (in the next few months). The reason for [the] delay is just mainly to prepare for the wedding and  [to] accommodate family members’ schedule [for] the wedding. After the nikkah is it permissible to do all the acts that are permissible between a husband and wife even if the rukhsati hasn’t been done?

Sincerely,
Getting married in my 20s

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Marriage

Podcast: Like Tinder, But Safer: Troubleshooting Arranged Muslim Marriages | Newaz Ahmed

The biodatas that we send and receive are inherently superficial. We’re not given much time to make a decision on that limited information, and so the result is the same sort of superficiality, an un-Islamic swipe based on attractiveness alone.

When I tell people I want a religious wife, they seem to translate that as subservient to me, not Allah. And that scares me.Click To Tweet

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#Life

Like Tinder, But Safer: Troubleshooting Arranged Muslim Marriage

Like many people in my mid-20s, I approached my parents about getting married and initially chose to use a more traditional route. That is to say, creating a resume – or biodata – and sending it to matchmaker aunties. I wanted this approach because I wanted to be able to balance my American, Desi, and Muslim identities. I wanted things to be done in a halal way with my parent’s knowledge. However, over the past 2 years, my experience with the process has left me jaded.

Before I continue, I want to preface with two things. The first is that my parents are wonderful. We’ve butted heads, but I recognize that they are doing what they think is best, via a method that they’re used to. Providing critical feedback of the method should not be taken as critical to my parents.

The second is that while I have critical feedback, I am not intending to discredit the entire process. Meeting people through family is hardly a bad thing, and maybe what some people need. It is very possible that I will still end up using this process. That said, there are changes that need to be made, especially in the modern world. I want to make sure that my younger brothers and sisters can get an idea of what the process is, and what they’re in store for.

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Superficiality

The biodatas that we send and receive are inherently superficial. They are, in total, the person’s education/career, info on their parents and extended family, and pictures. There’s nothing written about the person’s personality barring, perhaps, a few sentences about their interests. This doesn’t provide any real depth of information about the other person at all.

Then there is the emphasis that is placed on the pictures. It is important to acknowledge that physical attraction plays a role in all of this. I think one of my early mistakes was that I was trying to pretend it didn’t matter at all, and that’s not reasonable for a marriage. The problem, however, is that given the lack of personal detail in the written part of the bio-data, we are left with the photo being the most personal piece of information presented. Unless you really care about where a person’s grandfather went to University in the 1940’s, that photo ends up being the most important thing you’re making your choice on.

Like “Tinder, but safer,” a friend said to me, as I explained how these situations played out. That’s not far off from how the experience played out for me. We’re not given much time to make a decision on the bio-data, so the result is the superficial, un-Islamic swipe based on attractiveness alone.

How many times have I heard, “Oh, she’s too fat,” or “Oh, she’s too short,” or “Too tall,” or “She’s pretty dark isn’t she?” Bengali speakers will recognize the word “moyla,” [dirty] used to describe women who are slightly darker, which is terribly problematic.

It’s not just that women are being chosen based on their looks alone, but on top of that, they’re being held to Eurocentric notions of what is deemed attractive. We’re all being held hostage to a standard designed by and for an entirely different race of people, and I have been told that it would be weird for me to be attracted to a darker-skinned woman because in the minds of many, dark skin is undesirable.

The superficiality is worse for women, but even as a guy I felt it. I’m fine with how I look, but you can only hear, “Oh, your face looks weird in that picture,” or, “He’s not tall enough,” so many times before it starts to mess with you. Men face another superficial judgment as well: the problem with men being reduced to their ability as moneymakers. I’m a graduate student and there are people in my class who have a spouse and children and are making it by just fine on the stipend we receive. But, inevitably, it will come up that I’m not making tons of money, so how can I support a family? While recognizing that men do have an Islamic responsibility to financially support their families, it troubles me that the process boils men down to one thing and one thing only – money, and not just having enough of it, but lots of it.

Age

I’m relatively young, 27 in May, and so when I started this process two years ago, I told my parents that I was willing to go +/- 3 years, just because I thought that would be a good range to encompass people I’d have some similarities with. However my prospect of an older wife – even a day older – was rejected with quite some vigor. I’ve been disqualified from matching with some women because they were born just a couple of months before I was.

The majority of the biodatas sent to me are of women still in college, between the ages of 19 and 22. It doesn’t matter when I say that’s too young, or how that I feel like I’d be taking advantage of someone who hasn’t fully grown up yet. I get told that I’m wrong.

Do you know how many random aunties and uncles have told me that a 7-8 year age gap is necessary to make a marriage work because otherwise, the women “will demand too much?” It’s shocking that I’m being told specifically that I need a wife young enough to be manipulated and shaped to my desires. When I push back on this, I’m, again, told that I’m weird.

I’m being constantly told to reconsider my age preferences as if wanting to marry a woman in her mid-20’s is a weird thing to do when I myself am in my mid-20’s. The sheer number of times I face this makes me think it’s an inherent flaw in how our cultures think, and not something unique to my situation. This is to say nothing of the fact that people will, to our face, tell me (26) that I’m too young for marriage, but my sister (25) is rapidly passing her expiration date.

Race

As a Bengali man, I have no problem marrying a woman of Bengali descent, but it’s annoying that even in 2020, it’s seen as a taboo to marry outside of your race in Desi culture. I personally have had it conceded to me, that if I choose an Indian or Pakistani woman on my own, that might be ok, but nothing else. Not an Arab. Certainly not someone with (black) African descent. And a white/Hispanic/black convert would cause a genuine scandal.

And even this concession is not universal, as there are many Bengali parents I know who will not let their child marry anyone outside of their own culture. Even when people have pushed through it and married outside of their ethnic backgrounds, there is still gossip and concern as to how the parents could “let this happen.”

Going into this I thought, “Well, all I have to do is show a few videos from Imams talking about how inter-racial marriages shouldn’t be taboo for Muslims,” but it doesn’t matter how many of these clips I show, it falls on deaf ears.

I understand the concern of losing culture and heritage to life in the West, I get it. But if I want to teach my kids about their Bengali roots I can do that with a wife of any background, and if I don’t want to teach them, having a Bengali wife isn’t going to make me any more likely to do so.

Ultimately, the feeling I get is that the older generation wants in-laws who they can go and have chai and gossip with, to do traditional things they saw their parents do with their in-laws. And again, while I empathize with the desire to do something familiar, this seems like an unhealthy reason to dictate why your children can’t marry someone from another race or culture.

Classism

I understand that families need to mesh and that it makes things easier if there are similarities that exist. However, in what world am I reading a biodata and seeing what a woman’s uncle does for a living, and then deciding that she’s marriage material?

It doesn’t work for me that way, but it works on the minds of the older generation, and there are even ways of working the class distinction to your advantage. Uncles in the community have actually told me that marrying into a “lower class” may be good if you want someone to be subservient to you because they’re thankful you brought them to your status. But they’ve also told me that marrying a “higher-class” woman isn’t bad either, because a rich father-in-law could have its perks. Caveat- beware of them being snobby with you, since you may be expected to be thankful, subservient one instead.

I can’t even wrap my head around what people are talking about here, but it’s yet another factor that I end up having to deal with during this process.

Religion

I want a wife who cares about the deen and prays 5 times a day, and I want this not to be a controversial take.

I have been told that’s unrealistic. Literally a couple of weeks ago, an auntie told my sister that ‘modern women’ do not pray regularly and so I should not expect that in a future wife. She said this, of course, to my sister who is both a modern woman and someone who prays five times a day without fail.

It’s crazy to be told that I’m being too picky because I want a wife who already has her religious-ness established. I have been told, by both aunties and uncles, that it’s better for me to marry a wife who isn’t too religious yet so that I can shape her deen. This isn’t about mutual growth in faith as you may hope for in a marriage. This is about controlling women with religion by only teaching her what I want to teach her. When older women tell you this, it raises so many concerns about what they’ve been through and what they want future generations of women to go through.

When I tell people I want a religious wife, they seem to translate that as subservient to me, not Allah. And that scares me. I don’t mean to fetishize anybody, but I want a wife whose religion drives to be bold, to stand up for what’s right, to be outspoken. I want to partner with someone whose religiosity pushes me to be a better version of myself, not to do what she’s told.

Marry Back Home

I don’t think it’s unreasonable for me, as someone who has lived their entire life in the US, to think that I’ll mesh much better with someone with a similar background. This isn’t universal, some people will genuinely get along better with people from “back home,” and that’s fine, but this needs to be a personal choice.

Yet, I keep getting told that it would be better for me to marry from “back home.” I have been told, straight up, if you bring a wife over here, she’ll be more “indebted,” to me because I brought her to America. Setting aside that I don’t want to marry someone who just wants to marry me for a Green Card, why would I want to marry someone who feels like they owe me?

I fail to see how marrying from “back home” is an issue of compatibility in this case, it feels way more like an issue of subservience.

You can see here that the concern isn’t about finding a spouse who matches with my personality, it’s about finding someone who’ll come and cook and clean and bear children for me without speaking up about it because they feel like they owe me. Which segues to…

Gender Roles

I want to preface this section by saying that this is one topic where my parents haven’t, at all, been the source of my concerns, but rather, this something that comes up when talking to certain members of the community.

For men, there is an emphasis on making money to provide for a family, and for women, raising children and taking care of the home. There’s no problem with this model, but it is not the only model. It’s a valid option, but I am being told it’s my only choice.

In the eyes of many, the preference is to pick a homemaker. This seems at odds with the desire to select a woman with a good education, making it seem that I’m then not expected to let her utilize that education professionally. After all, it could be embarrassing for me if my wife makes more than me, and I have been told to be careful, because a wife who makes too much money could be “too independent.”

I must also be careful to stay in my exclusive role as a moneymaker too, and not try to go beyond that. I had pictures with my nephews in biodata because they mean the world to me. I was told to take them out because somehow a man taking care of children is deemed…bad?. I also like cooking. I once said this to an auntie and I remember her saying, “Why do you like doing girl’s stuff?”

Quite bluntly, I don’t want a wife who will only cook and clean and raise children for me. I want someone I can share those duties with because they’re my equal partner, an idea that, to me, keeps getting glossed over in this process. Every couple deserves the opportunity to figure their marriage out for themselves.

Quick Marriages

There are limits to what we can(‘t) do as Muslims. I understand that we shouldn’t have 3 year-long courtships or live together before getting married, and I am not advocating that. But we should be allowed some time to make such an important decision. I’ve been shown bio-datas and have been expected to come back with an answer in two days – just two days – about whether the information on this piece of paper is the woman I want to spend the rest of my life with.

Please, can we have a few months? Can we talk, and try to make sure that this is the decision we want to make (chaperoned)? When reviewing potential spouses, try to make sure everyone is one the same page about how much time you give to each other in order to avoid heartbreak and confusion.

Nature Of Relationship With Parents

My parents and I have a pretty good relationship. It’s relatively open and comfortable, but it’s still a Desi parent-child dynamic. Expressing a dissenting opinion is disrespectful, which means it can be harder to speak up without fear of disappointing them.

Plus, my parents and I never openly spoke about sex or physical attraction, at least not in-depth. To go from that to suddenly having to talk to your parents about the physical aspects that you’re looking for in a wife is awkward, and it can lead to miscommunication.

It’s a culture clash on top of a generational one. I have a hard time articulating what I want to my parents, and it’s not easy to figure out. If you know this before starting the process, you can make an effort to speak as openly about things as you can. You can even recruit an older cousin or friend, or an Imam you trust to help you. Don’t do what I did and go by yourself, have people to support you to make sure you and your parents are communicating well.

In Conclusion

It’s not reasonable to expect that you’ll get everything you want in a spouse. There will be compromises that are made, whether they be with yourself or with what your parents want. But don’t sacrifice on the points most important to you. Determine those, know what your must-haves are, and negotiate on other things. Make sure your potential spouse is on board. It can be awkward, especially with how many of us were raised, but talk to your potential spouse about these important things.

While this was a reflection of my own experience, I place emphasis on the aspects I feel are more universal. Speaking to other Desi Muslims in my age bracket, it certainly does seem that my concerns are relatively common. Obviously, there are individual factors that are at play, but these were things that came up regularly when speaking to elders in the community.

I also, again, want to stress that this isn’t an attack on my parents. While I have a level of frustration with how this situation has played out, I recognize that this is what they’re used to. And to their credit, they have made some concessions. Furthermore, it’s not just parents who are playing a role in this. The (often unwarranted) voices of certain elders are given undue emphasis, and that, I think has complicated the situation even further.

Ultimately, I’m not telling people that they shouldn’t consider arrangements or biodata, but if you do, then you must openly discuss this with your parents. Make sure they know what you want, and stand firm if it’s something important, even if it complicates things. It may put a strain on your relationship with your parents, but it’s better to open about things now than to have anger and resentment towards them for years later.

I’ll end with a specific piece of advice to the brothers: You have a duty to learn about why these issues are red flags and to push back on them yourselves. Women can be labelled as too rebellious if they push back themselves, and we need to be aware of this. Speak up for your (biological) sisters, family members, and friends when you notice their discomfort. Make sure you establish with your potential spouse that she is actually on board with the process, not just going along with it because she feels that she needs to. It might be awkward, but it’s important to establish a clear line of communication with someone even before you get married.

May Allah bless us all with happy, healthy, and fruitful marriages. Ameen

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