Question:

I am happily married to my husband for 11 years. We have three children together. My siblings and I usually get together along with our spouses. We are a practicing family. My brother and his wife are less practicing. When we gather, we try as much as possible to sit separately. However, sometimes it happens where we are all sitting in the same room, either eating or in the living room. I try to prevent it as much as possible, but for some reason it happens beyond my control, especially if we are at my brother's house. 
Not long ago, I had noticed that my brother's wife would gaze at my husband's direction. At that time, I noticed that my husband didn't notice or was just ignoring it. I tried to talk to her and was unsuccessful about it.

Alhamdulilah, I was able to convince my sister to have that conversation with her. My sister told her in a very clear way that she needs to control her staring at people. She took it lightly and didn't really respond. 
Anyway, as time went by, my brother's family and my family started to see each other a lot. My brother is very attached to me. He would ask me when we will go on vacation if he can come with us. We did travel together, and we stayed in the same apartment for a day. We went out as a family. We rented the same car, ate at the same restaurant, etc.. At one point, during the hurricane last year, the electricity went off at his house, and my brother and his family stayed with us for a week. At those times she wasn't doing (or I had not noticed) the stares. It was after we became closer as families, I had noticed her. 
Recently, I have seen my husband taking part of these glances. I saw him on occasion smiling towards her as they exchanged glances. At another instance as we were leaving to go home, they exchanged a glance with a smile then she looked at me as I looked at her, and I felt like her face was full of shame. When I first realized it, I doubted that it was even happening. I always told my self it was coincidental. I respect my husband and his level of deen very much. But then I was still monitoring the situation. 
Once I felt that my beliefs were confirmed. I became extremely angry.

The first thing I did was avoid getting together with my brother. I would feel guilty because he wouldn't know why I was avoiding interaction with him. But as we are a close family, there were still opportunities to meet, either at one of my sisters' houses or my father's house. The glancing was still going on every time we met. I thought about confronting my husband. I spoke to him once about him giving her salams. I thought it was inappropriate for him to initiate the salams to her. I don't personally give salams to any of my brother in laws. I usually give a general salam. He said that we have been family for so long it would be weird if he sees her and not give her salams. 
He is a very egoistic man. He gets offended very quickly. When he gets upset, the first thing he does is he gives me the silent treatment for weeks, on things that seem petty to me. I am driving myself crazy every time the family gets together. I feel like I am a detective, and I have to stay on top of being around my husband the entire time we are with the family.

Even if he gets up to get a cup of water, I am always on the look. But this is preventing me from enjoying my time with my family. I am getting a lot of bad dreams about my husband and I separating. Please advise me on how I can handle this situation without cutting my ties completely with my brother. Also, I don't want to ignore the situation and it escalates into something beyond glances. Please let me know, if I am overreacting. Is this something that was bound to happen? Is this a form of insecurity on my part?

Jazzakum Allahu Khairun,

Insecure in Family Ties

Answer:

I truly understand how uncomfortable it can feel when you sense that someone is attracted to your husband.  It's natural to feel protective of him and prevent any possible dangers in the future.  It becomes much more concerning when you see your husband being receptive to the attention and smiling back.  In your situation it is important to strike a balance between being careful to avoid the haram and being secure of yourself and your marriage.

Majority of men I have worked with admitted enjoying the attention of women.  They find it very flattering when someone other than their own spouse finds them attractive.  Even if they are not in any way attracted to the woman, they still enjoy the ego boost.  This can start very innocently, but it can escalate if the right (or should I say the wrong) opportunity presents itself.

There is definite hikma (wisdom) in not mixing.  I have had clients that get involved with their husband's best friends because they become so comfortable with them that they put down all guards.  If there is mixing then a certain decorum needs to be upheld and boundaries need to be respected.

It's critical to reflect on what is making you feel so insecure.  If you are insecure about the quality of your relationship and/or your love for each other, it's important to focus on improving your quality time together to help increase the love.  It may be that your husband is craving more attention from you.  Make more effort in making him feel attractive by giving him sincere compliments in addition to flirting with him in a way that will satisfy his ego and bring playfulness back into your marriage.  If you are feeling insecure because you are not at your best, then I suggest setting attainable goals where you will be more happy and confident.  I know how challenging it is to get into shape after having 3 kids, because I had to go through it myself.  Our body image affects our confidence and sense of security.  If you feel that you have let yourself go, focus on getting back into shape so that you will feel your best.  As you increase your sense of security about yourself and your relationship, you will feel less threatened by others.

I would recommend getting together with your brother and his family since selatel rahem (bonds of kinship) is critical in Islam; however you can try to spend some one on one time with your sister-in-law without making it too obvious.  You need to be able to relax and enjoy your time with your family without feeling so frightened and suspicious the entire time.  In order to do that you need to really have trust in your husband.  If he has never done anything to make you doubt him, then I think you are overreacting a bit. It is essential to have trust for one another yet at the same time be watchful and aware of the circumstances.  Having said that – do not dismiss your concerns because I believe you should pay attention to your intuition.  Just be careful not to go overboard with your worries & concerns.

 

If you have a matter that you would like addressed please ask at www.muslimmatters.org/ask

 

39 Responses

    • LogicalLeopard

      I agree. Let me preface my statements by saying I am not Muslim, but I am a Christian, and can certainly understand maintaining good interaction with purity. However, to me, one problem that wasn’t highlighted is the manner in which the sister-in-law was addressed. The writer says that she tried to talk about it with the sister-in-law and was unsuccessful. Why? How did she address it? Then, the sister is recruited to talk to the sister in law, and she tells the sister in law that she needs to control her staring problem. Well, when you don’t speak to people in a respectful, problem solving way, people aren’t necessarily going to respond well. I would think it would be better to talk to the sister in law, say, “I know that our relationship may have gotten off on the wrong foot, but I really would like to talk to you about a concern of mine. And I would like to hear what your view on the subject is.” Starting off like that, and sincerely listening to the sister in law, instead of saying, “Fix your staring problem” is likely to get a better response. Who knows, maybe the sister in law DOES have a staring problem. Maybe she’s unaware of her behavior. Maybe the husband reminds her of someone, like her father. Who knows why she’s staring? But if the writer knew the answer, maybe she’d be more comfortable. I know I’ve been in situations (as a man) where I’ve looked at people and been embarrassed, because my stare was too long. Sometimes I was trying to figure out if I knew a person, or who that person looked like. Sometimes it’s because I’m thinking about something and staring off into space, only at the end of that “space” is an actual person! The worst was when I saw a woman crossing the street and she was wearing shorts, and I saw what looked like a bruise on her leg. I saw that it was a tattoo, but then when the woman spoke, I looked up and realized she was a neighbor. And that she may have thought I was just staring at her legs for more sordid reasons. I’m still horrified by that one, and it’s been a good ten years or so….

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      • Haleh Banani

        It’s nice to get your feedback! You are absolutely right that assumptions need to be checked because they really clear the air. There may be nothing at all to worry about. The key is to communicate and get the reassurance needed. Thanks for sharing your personal experiences – we all fall into those embarrassing situations.

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      • Yusuf

        I wish there are more people like you. May The Almighty guide you through straight path. :-)

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    • arif gulzar

      As your husband iz practicing muslim, the best option iz to have open conversation with him regarding the problem of starring and gazing, the apprehension u have
      It will not only make the air free, but also wll b caveat for your husband , not to fell prey , which he might be unaware off.
      u will b protecting hz deen as well as ur family, but try to discourse in conducive atmosphere, not in blame game..

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  1. umabdullah

    I think a hallmark of a healthy relationship is open communication. I as a married woman of 10 years consider what you are going through to be concerning because it needs to be nipped in the bud now with wisdom and tact.
    I wonder whether your sister speaking to your brother might solve the issue-if they are close enough that such a convo could go down easily. Also you know your hub best so take or not take this advice accordingly. I would share my feelings using I statements n also give the example of smiling and glancing at brother in laws n how that may make him feel. Mixing definitely needs boundaries n I find that in these situations that even if one follows guidelines others dont always do. If you feel this convo with yur hub will backfire..(although I would argue that coming to common ground on how to handle this situation will simply cause the relationship to grow more.) a heart to heart with your bro might b in order. However having said all this don’t ignore your instincts. This is very much about putting eachother first. About care n consideration n about protective jealousy. What is happening is indeed inappropriate I myself went thru something somewhat similar n my husband realized he needed to give priority to my feelings while being polite to the female relative.

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    • Haleh Banani

      Communication is the key! The best thing would be to address the husband if he was mature and approachable. The way the sister described her husband it sounded like he was not capable of hearing her out and being compassionate towards her feelings. Any good man would reassure his wife and make sure she feels comfortable. It’s hard to go through this especially when it’s a family member.
      .

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  2. Umm ZAKAriyya

    Hidden due to low comment rating. Click here to see.

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  3. umabdullah

    I have experience regarding ayn/sihr issues and this caught my eye. You said “I am getting a lot of bad dreams about my husband and I separating”. This is not your subconscious messing with you alone as will most likely be told. This is a classic symptom of ayn/hasad/sihr. Unfortunately it is not something that is common knowledge among our communities in the west especially. My advice to fight off this possible ayn is to recite surah baqarah every 3 days and stick to your morning and evening adhkar. And lotssss of istighfar and adhkar and salam on prophet. Inshallah this should take away the dreams and their possible cause. My wild guess is you may have other symptoms like fatigue or irritability or random dizziness and extra waswas or others in addition to the dreams if you are indeed suffering from ayn but that you may not connect them altogether. Seek the means to protect yourself and put your trust in Allah.

    P.s you can blow the surah baqarah/fatiha/ayatulkursi/falaw/naas on water/zamzam and everyone in your family can drink from it. Another form of protection inshallah.

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    • Jennine Nicole

      I’m not understanding why this comment has more dislikes than likes. Sihr is real. That’s why certain surat are identified as protections.

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  4. Nadia

    Is it just me that thinks this is overreaction? Is it not normal to look at someone when you are talking to them? They aren’t alone together what’s the big deal?

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    • Sherri

      I most definitely thought it was an over-reaction at first ..I even was beginning to wonder if the letter was made-up. Why would one woman spend so much energy and waste so much family time constantly looking another woman’s to make sure that that woman is not looking at her husband..Then I realized I was reading a Muslim advice column and I so respect every culture/religion sacred customs… It does sounds to me like the brother’s sister is insecure about herself..So whether it’s over-reaction to me, the advice MashaAllah is very good and beautiful indeed.

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      • gunal

        Overreaction! Nevertheless, it is a reaction. Just like an allergic reaction an overreaction is uncontrollable. If one of your loved ones is suffering from an allergic reaction what will you do? Say; just get on with it and suffer silently? Would you not at least show some concern and ask if there is anything you could do to comfort them? This is what a responsible adult should do. This poor woman must already be beating herself up about her paronoa like thoughts and behaviour. She cannot control it. She cannot put those thoughts to rest by herself. People who contribute to her irrational behaviour are responsible for her wellbeing. Because they are the cause of her discomfort.

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      • Haleh Banani

        As a therapist I have seen a large number of married couples experience infidelity. They tell me about how it starts quite innocently with a glance, a smile and a connection. This leads to a little flattering & flirting which makes all the feel good hormones gush like a waterfall. At this point it becomes harder and harder to decipher between what is and is not acceptable because it feels so good. When the person is not thinking clearly it becomes easier to break some rules and make exceptions. This pattern will very quickly turn into an affair which leads to either emotional or physical infidelity. I have had men in their 40s cry during the session saying that it’s an addiction and they simply can’t stop themselves. They wish that they had avoided this from the very beginning by simply lowering their gaze and not starting the relationship in the first place. In the 10 Rules for avoiding emotional infidelity by Gary Neuman he states how critical it is to avoid all those seemingly innocent acts in order to prevent any form of infidelity including: not talking about personal issues at work with the opposite sex and not sharing personal feelings to mention a few. The concern of this wife may seem trivial but keep in mind that most relationships start with a glance & a smile.

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  5. aiyah

    i do not think this is overreaction. a woman knows when something isnt quite right. its like we have radar. it is easily distinguishable when you see an innocent glance between 2 people and it is also easily distinguishable when there is a lil more to it than just a salam. trust your gut sister. keep your eyes open but dont be a stalker….it is well know that when a man and woman are alone the third is shaytan. with that said be careful of suspicion. both men and women were ordered to lower their gaze, so to answer ur question nadia….yes initial eye contact at first but then both parties should lower their gaze. the writer is not concerned with just ur normal everyday interaction she is noticing something within the glances that are making her uneasy. the best advice i can give u sis…pray istakara….then decide if your sis will speak with ur hubby or if u will. if i need to talk to my hubby about something i feel might anger him…i ask him “do you mind if i talk freely (which i do anyway lol) without you getting upset”? this way he knows im not looking to quarrel and gives him time to brace himself lol. usually works. sis just be open, im sure he dont want to see u hurt or make you feel badly. if the glances continue and it seems as if ur bro wife is initiating this u might need to talk to ur bro. i usually dont advise this but to be honest if you notice so do others! may Allah ease your situation and gurard your marriage against the attacks of shaytan. May Allah grant you the ability to solve this manner in the least disruptive way. May Allah ease your worries and suspicion and grant you the best outcome in this situation. May your marriage and family be blessed and may you all be companions of jannah….ameen

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    • Haleh Banani

      Approaching the brother may create problems in his marriage – I don’t advise that. The best solution is to talk with her husband if he is receptive or the sister-in-law. This way the two people involved can have a chance to self-correct without making it bigger than it needs to be.

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  6. aiyah

    **May Allah grant you the ability to solve this matter in the least disruptive way. May Allah ease your worries and suspicion and grant you the best outcome in this situation. May your marriage and family be blessed and may you all be companions of jannah….ameen

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  7. Salman

    This is such an amazing response mA. Speaking as a man, it is extremely important to maintain that spark and keep things fun/interesting. This paragraph from the response sums it up beautifully as the “bottom line” so to speak for men.

    “It’s critical to reflect on what is making you feel so insecure. If you are insecure about the quality of your relationship and/or your love for each other, it’s important to focus on improving your quality time together to help increase the love. It may be that your husband is craving more attention from you. Make more effort in making him feel attractive by giving him sincere compliments in addition to flirting with him in a way that will satisfy his ego and bring playfulness back into your marriage. If you are feeling insecure because you are not at your best, then I suggest setting attainable goals where you will be more happy and confident. I know how challenging it is to get into shape after having 3 kids, because I had to go through it myself. Our body image affects our confidence and sense of security. If you feel that you have let yourself go, focus on getting back into shape so that you will feel your best. As you increase your sense of security about yourself and your relationship, you will feel less threatened by others.”

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  8. Amira

    I agree with Ms. Banani’s comments about working her putting more effort into strengthening her relationship with her husband. But I also feel like the husband should put just as much effort into the relationship as well. The wife should not be doing all the work. He should not be making her feel like she cannot trust him. And why would he give her the silent treatment for weeks when all she is trying to do is be honest with him by communicating openly? That is one of the worst things to do in a marriage: completely close off from your spouse and make them feel like it is his/her fault.

    Also, another commenter mentioned her talking to her brother. But I’m not sure if she should do that because perhaps he may get angry with his wife. Talking about one’s relationship with a spouse is not a good idea, even if it is with a close family member.

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    • Haleh Banani

      There is a mutual responsibility for husbands and wives to honor their relationship and remain loyal in their marriage. Many people get tested by being attracted to others while married and it is up to them to control their desires and do the right thing which is avoiding doubtful matters. Each person knows in his heart when he is flirting inappropriately and that’s when he has to put on the brakes and stop anything further from happening. I addressed the wife in this answer because she is the one who wrote in and she is the one motivated to change. If the husband was reading this answer I would tell him to be cautious and not to jeopardize his relationship with his wife and brother over something like this. I would also tell him to be more approachable so his wife can communicate her concerns.

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      • gunal

        Yes Haleh, I agree with everything you said except that you said (I am sorry I may look like knit-picking but I feel this is important);

        “Each person knows in his heart when he is flirting inappropriately..”

        Not necessarily we all realise when we are flirting. Wouldn’t we stop if we did?
        From religious point of view, I think the ‘seed of our ego boost’ gets nourished as soon as when we are wooed in some ways. This could be by way of just a glance or even innocent kind words from others. In my opinion, we have to uproot that seed of ego boost within us. And I think this is a very difficult thing to do. Because we like being looked at personally selected from a crowd of others, being smiled to (again selected amongst others), chosen…this leads us having the sense of admiration of our good qualities, sense of pride!

        As I said it is difficult to uproot this seed. I have done some observations on this and realised that you can achieve uprooting the seed of ego by asserting professionalism -by treating every aspect of my life professionally. Even marriage. Create professional boundaries. As the head of my family I am responsible in helping others around me. Others look(ing)-up to me is natural because in my own world I am the boss. This may be a naive sister in law. She may want my attention. However, I will need to treat her as a learner with no professional boundaries of her own. Be subtle, don’t expect professionalism back. Just one person being professional and treating each situation with set boundaries is most of the time enough to gradually get everyone realising their own responsibilities, and notice the existing boundaries. Just like a great teacher I must know how to deal with an attention seeker; Help them establish or notice their goals so that they can focus on them.

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      • Haleh Banani

        You have made some very good points. I understand that not everyone has the same level of self-awareness or self-control and it isn’t easy to avoid something as gratifying as getting the attention and admiration of others. I like what you said about being professional in all interactions. It is enough to have just one person establish very solid boundaries. Thank you for your feedback and it is refreshing to read about a person who has their priorities straight!

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  9. gunal

    When there is a smoke there is a fire! If your husband is such a practicing man he should obey the rule that ‘he MUST lower his gaze’. On top of returning the gaze if he is smiling, this behaviour suggests that he is flirting back, he is enjoying that.. If he feels he is allowed to do that then, I feel he has already sold his soul to seytan. Sorry sister. I am not a believer in love. A man doesn’t cheat on his wife because he thinks the other woman is more attractive or he stops loving his wife. It is useless advice to say to you that you should attempt to make yourself more beautiful/appealing to your husband. Your husband is married to you. And therefore as a proper Muslim, he must be committed to you, respect how you feel, and never cheat on you. My advice to you is; stop worrying for your husband’s afterlife/his obligatory commitment to you. Only worry for your own deen and your afterlife. Always pray to Allah that no matter what challenges come to your way you successfully learn your lessons in order to prepare you for a rewarding afterlife. If somebody causes me upset or pain I would pray that I would never be the cause of such pain to anybody. This is how I would learn. Reading about the needs of lowering your gaze in Quran is obviously not so effective. But now you know first hand how it feels. And why it is needed. You should consider yourself lucky. Imagine if you were the one ‘innocently’ enjoy gazing to your brother in law.

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    • Haleh Banani

      Dear sister I know that you mean well and it’s good to want to be cautious, but it’s really critical to have wisdom and use diplomacy when dealing with issues regarding your life partner. I agree that he should lower his gaze, but to jump the gun and advise the sister to get out of the marriage is foolish. Nothing has occurred and even if a man does make a mistake there needs to be room for reconciliation and forgiveness. If each time a person assumes there is something going on with their husband they ended the marriage there will be very few marriages left. The attitude of compassion, understanding and tolerance are critical to keep the marriage strong. Also, there needs to be solid facts before taking any action. There is no evidence that anything is going on.

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  10. nick ick

    Hidden due to low comment rating. Click here to see.

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  11. Zaid Shakil

    All praise is due to Allah

    I would like to add that its better if male and female sit in separation. As the brother’s wife is a non-mahram to this sister’s husband. Its natural that when all people sit together gaze can happen and it can lead to the ways of shaitan. Why not avoid this in the first place by sitting and talking in separation, the law that actually Islam imposes.

    Jazak’Allahu Khairan

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    • Haleh Banani

      It is easier to prevent it all together, but there are circumstances that cant’ be avoided and it’s important to have some guidelines to follow. Even if others don’t follow the same principles it’s critical to maintain boundaries.

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  12. little ole me

    In marriage one has promised to forsake all others. Love is not just mere strong feelings of affection but the putting the needs of the other person before yourself. It seems to me that the blame is being shifted to the wife, for the way she looks or overreacting, yet I see nothing about the inappropriate way the husband is responding ,it is not just the wife who is responsible for keeping the marriage strong, that he responds in a favorable manner to these subtle advances shows that he has a lack of respect for his wife and himself a problem that HE has to fix. A married individual has no business flirting with anyone else. Marriage is not a game, it is a lifelong commitment of mutual love and respect a powerful emotional bond that breaks people when it is broken or damaged. The wife should first talk to her husband frankly about her concerns. Not accusing him, just revealing her fears and concerns) . He should then do everything in his power to correct the problem easing his wife’s concerns and preventing a possible negative scenario for himself. He should take action to limit his conversations with this woman and he should certainly not be anywhere alone with her, his actions and body language should show the other woman that he is not available and he is not an option because he is a married man. After all he willingly made the marriage vow and he must live up to it. In order to be trusted you must first be a trustworthy individual. Yet how can you be that if you are toying and rousing up the desires and feelings of someone other then your spouse (which is really what flirting is) You can’t toy with your spouse’s feelings by promoting jealousy and expect there to be trust? But if his own wife can’t even speak to him without him having a weeks long tantrum, how can anything be done? Unfortunately, no matter how much you may want to keep him, no matter even what you do to keep him ultimately if he doesn’t have enough love and respect for his wife and his marriage and there’s no way you can make him see that he is going down a wrong path then there is nothing one can do . Perhaps you would be better off without someone so selfish . Without commitment there is no marriage anyway.

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    • Haleh Banani

      Your perspective about marriage is correct. The intention was not to blame the wife, but to help her to understand her insecurity about the marriage. As I mentioned earlier, it was the wife who wrote in not the husband so I addressed her needs. Obviously the man is responsible to honor his wife and keep his commitment in his marriage. remain calm, get all the facts, use logic & diplomacy before There is no excuse for flirting with others when you are married – it’s unacceptable. However, it’s critical to get all the facts before deciding to leave your spouse. People do get weak from time to time and we need to learn to work through the problems rather than just end the marriage.

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  13. Sanah

    I think you should tell your brother to talk to his wife if the situation escalates too much. He should know.

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    • umabdullah

      There is brother’s wife one day. Another day it could be the neighbor’s wife. Who will speak to the neighbor? This goes back to husband and wife relationship. This isn’t about her fixing herself up. That is a complete side issue. This isn’t about her feeling insecure. Even if a wife knows her husb loves her looks and a wife notices this type of behavior .. there is going to be hurt involved. A real marriage that is passionate is passionate due to openness and growth and love and connection.

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  14. HALIMA

    This is a pretty difficult circumstance. Considering she must not cut ties with her brother. The wife has reason to worry, but she shouldn’t let it overwhelm her. She has to place some trust in her husband that he won’t let things escalate. He should practice lowering his gaze, and respect his wife and the other woman as well. That’s why we’re always advised to lower the gaze. It’s just a door that can lead to many other issues…

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  15. Saria

    You say you are “happily married.” Are you, really? If so, don’t worry about the glancing/staring/flirting. She is your brother’s wife. You do not wish to ruin the relationships between other members of your family. If you truly are “happily married” then you should not need to worry. Doesn’t your husband leave you to go to work or visit others? There has to be a sense of trust. Trust that he is faithful even when he encounters attractive women where ever he meets them. I sense that you are not “happily married.” Seek help and advice to rekindle that love and devotion you had in the past.

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