Sex and the Ummah
The Secret Life of Husbands (Sex & the Muslim Ummah)
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The Wahhabi Misanthrope
July 31, 2007 at 9:14 PM
“Upon marrying, the husband ‘demanded’ sex from his young wife five times a day. It became so difficult for the young woman – emotionally as well as physically – that she lodged a formal complaint with the Department of Religious Affairs.”
Several points can be made about this quotation:
Firstly, the wife should not reject her husband’s bed- and such does not merit legitimate grounds for divorce.
Secondly, it’s interesting how the author tries to pin the blame on the man- when asking for intimate relations from his wife is his prerogative.
Thirdly, there is no such thing as ‘marital rape’. That does not make any sense in letter of Islam though a husband should take care of his wife’s sentiments.
If this man resorted to pornography, would it be his fault though he tried to satisfy desires in the proper way?
So, all in all, the reason that married men may recourse to pornography is because perhaps their wives are not being cooperative.
P.S. This comment was “butchered”/edited by me to prevent its disappearance to the la-la-land. You should thank me WM -Amad
Ikram Kurdi
September 10, 2009 at 6:27 PM
The Porn Trap is a great book on understanding and overcoming pornography.
http://www.quranclub.net/2009/09/new-recommended-reading-porn-trap.html
Muslimah Rasheed
October 23, 2009 at 7:45 AM
Are you Really serious? What planet do you live in? I guess there is no such thing as domestic violence either huh? Having sex 5 times a day is a bit much for anyone. So when and where does our five daily prayers come in to play? When do we meet the needs of our families? When do we help meet the needs of the community? Subhunallah if we are going to have a honest talk, lets just do that. Let’s stop making excuses to justify why we do wrong.
The reason married men or Women watch Porn is simple! They WANT to. They place their desire before their fear of ALLAH swt Bottom line. No sugar coating it. We live in America and in America sex and porn is a great temptation that surrounds us everywhere we go. We do what we want, and often time its at the expense of our Ibadah and Ilm, then feel that we can pray for forgiveness later. May Allah swt help us all. Ameen.
Facepalm
November 7, 2009 at 5:41 PM
Please do the world a favor and jump off of a cliff.
Shareef Muhammad
March 2, 2010 at 4:02 PM
You are a retrograde with little to no rahmah which leaves us to guess what the problems are in your household assuming you have one. First off Wahhabi Misanthrope, “the letter of the law” is not the recommended approach for interpretating the Quran. The Quran says if a woman refuses her husband’s advances without good reason and he goes to bed angry with her the angels curse her till the morning. Without arguing about what constitutes “good reason” let us deduce from the hadith that the wife may refuse the husband and the husband may to go to bed angry rather than force his wife to do something she doesn’t feel like doing. Secondly, you’ve obviously “forgotten” the hadith that says treat your wives kindly which would disqualify forced sexual intercourse which is a form of violence regardless if there’s blood. Thirdly, in Islam there is what’s called istaahan which is the mercy and compassion which can override the certain legal recommendation. For example, the wife can deny her husband use of her car or money even if it’s an emergencey because according to “the letter of the law” the husband has no rights to his wife’s property while she has rights to his. However, istaahan overrides this heartless and cold interpretation and recommends that she share her things though she is not legally bound to do so. Lastly, if you respect and love your wife as you should then I don’t see why I would have had to tell you any of this. You should already know. May Allah Guide You.
Shilling
September 18, 2013 at 3:27 PM
Excellent reply brother. The man who posted the initial comment probably wonders why his home is so unhappy. It is due to his selfishness, his cruel heart and his twisting of our religion until he is the only one who ever benefits. May Allah help the poor woman who married/ marries him.
musalman
March 21, 2010 at 9:30 PM
Assalam alaikum brothers and sisters
Watching porn under any circumstance is unacceptable for muslims. There is no justification for it and you certainly can not use your wife’s refusal ( and in the case referred above quite an understable one) as an excuse. For those who feel that they are not physically compatible with their spouse, divorce is certainly an option (allowable in Islam but in may ways as a last resort). One could also argue the case for a second marriage, alhough in my humble personal opinion, an option which would only be resorted to by a weak muslim
Please do remember one thing my fellow muslims, there are numerous actions/options allowable in Islam but if not excercised/performed make us more pious in the eyes of Allah. Quran and Hadith provide us with guidelines which were issued keeping in view the whole of mankind. A good muslim never uses hadith and quran to justify his/her actions which cause distress to our fellow human beings. Sometimes we forget the overarching tenets of Islam such as huqooq ul ibad
DM
March 22, 2010 at 2:58 AM
well said, divorce should be a last option and recognising huqooq al ibaad is a much forgotten trait amonngst even those of us who are surrounded by muslims, wear islamic dress and pray 5 times a day!
Yusuf
January 6, 2014 at 5:21 AM
Just to let you know the reason this man probably wanted sex 5 times a day is because no doubt he’s been a past sex addiict and just married for a cure to his problem and because he loved his wife for who she was
Maryam
January 11, 2016 at 11:19 AM
What if 2-3 times a day left her so sore that she would bleed if they had sex 5 times a day? Even then can she not refuse?
IslamIsGood
November 6, 2016 at 2:08 PM
Okay, you’re messed up. Marital rape is a thing. Physically, women cannot handle sex 5 times a day. If the wife refuses sex and you force it upon her, this is rape. Pornography is haram, no matter what the reason you watch it for. A woman can divorce if she wants to.
Dawud
July 31, 2007 at 10:45 PM
As salaam aleikum!
I have a hindu friend who is very open about the fact that he was addicted to pornography.
I think there should be spin-off of the Islamonline article, because it made a strong point: Out of Meaninglessness Comes Pornography.
If you have people who are idle these things will happen, if there lives are boring and regular–they will try new things, which are haraam.
One really good coping strategy to enslave the nafs is to spend the entire night in prayer. Although the sunnah is to sleep and then get up for salaah, but for the weak nafs–stay up all night works. Not settling for any less, but the whole night.
doobiedoo
July 31, 2007 at 11:22 PM
I usually don’t care that much about moronic comments made by people on the internet but Mr. Misanthrope’s really takes the cake. I think it can safely be assumed you’re not married and if you are I suggest you go get some sexual counseling or something.
“Thirdly, there is no such thing as ‘marital rape”
That is such complete and utter BS. Do you suddenly own your wife once you marry her?She has to submit to a man’s ridiculous demands such as sex five time’s a day on a daily basis which is causing such extreme emotional and physical distress that she actually has to go call a hotline, just because she’s married and its the guys marital right?! What if he likes all that whips and chains stuff but she thinks its degrading and disgusting. Does he have a “right” to demand/force his wife to do that also? If you want that kind of relationship go get yourself a concubine AKA a sex slave
“If this man resorted to pornography, would it be his fault though he tried to satisfy desires in the proper way. So, all in all, the reason that married men may recourse to pornography is because perhaps their wives are not being cooperative?”
Yes it would be his fault. Its called self control. Some men should try applying it every once in a while. And aren’t muslim men allowed to have 4 wives at a time, wives for travel, wives for school, wives for sex and whatever other type of temporary marriage arrangement exists in the world today?
And what do you do if you’re not married? You obviously shouldn’t be having sex according to Islam. I guess that leaves porn as being the only viable option and you obviously can’t blame yourself for a lack of selfcontrol. God forbid you should take responsibility for your own actions. So does that mean its your future wife’s fault that you have to look at porn? It clearly must be because you weren’t getting sex
Asiya
July 31, 2007 at 11:27 PM
Open communication between husband and wife from day one (or should I say first night together) is needed. Unfortunately many women feel uncomfortable talking to their husband about their needs (sexual and otherwise) because sex in many cultures has always been a very hush hush subject to discuss so when it comes time for marriage, the woman, more often than the man it seems, are a bit lost because all of a sudden this is right in the open, somethingit never was before. If she is unsure or hestitant to his desires, that doesn’t give the husband the right to turn to porn. He ALSO needs to make an effort to be open and communicate his needs to his wife, otherwise both parties involved are straining their own relationship. This goes back to your last post about education and how it is so much needed, espeically to young married couples.
P.S. WM, sex 5 times a day sounds like marital rape to me! THIS is why we need education!
jasmine
April 24, 2011 at 8:36 AM
They need a sex therapist if they are raping their wives 5 times a day………………
doobiedoo
July 31, 2007 at 11:33 PM
Sorry to double post/comment but I was thinking of a church in my community that has become very well known where I live because of the addictions counseling it does for people addicted to porn, gambling, alcohol, drugs, etc. Kind of like AA, or PornA, or whatever its called but with a religious foundation open to all members of the community, not just people from the church. Are there any mosques or muslim organizations that have programs like this in particular for porn or other addiction issues in the States or Canada?
Hassan
July 31, 2007 at 11:37 PM
If a muslim man is not satisfied with one wife, he should marry more, not doing so, and resorting to haraam would be sin on his part.
Maryam
January 11, 2016 at 11:25 AM
What if even 4 wives do not sexually satisfy him?…
Umm Layth
August 1, 2007 at 1:18 AM
al ‘ilmu qabla qauli wal ‘amal
There was a discussion on marital rape here http://seekingilm.com/archives/61
It’s amazing how we always jump to the conclusion that it is marital rape, blah blah blah. Marriage is a relationship that makes the husband and spouse garments for one another. This isn’t a bunch of words without any meaning.
Pingback: Around Bloglandia! « Izzy Mo’s Blog
The Wahhabi Misanthrope
August 1, 2007 at 7:29 AM
“That is such complete and utter BS. Do you suddenly own your wife once you marry her?”
Umm Layth- that article is poor. It doesn’t bring any evidences, except those which state that a wife must go to her husband’s bed when he asks her to. If she does not, she is neglecting an obligatory duty.
Shareef Muhammad
March 2, 2010 at 4:15 PM
Your ignorance of Islam is boundless. If your wife is not observing her marital duty—AND THIS IS ASSUMING THAT THE HUSBAND IS OBSERVING HIS–then, after unsuccessful counselling, you should divorce her with kindness as the surah al-Nisa states. You will not, on the day of judgement, justify doing something that is obviously haraam by hiding behind what somebody else is or isn’t doing. Neither husband or wife are permitted to commit adultry because they are dissatisfied with each other. While pornography is not as serious as adultry it is serious and can not be adequatly defended on the day of judgement. It can also negatively affect your ability to perform sexually as studies show. And need I remind you of the husband’s duty to satisfy his wife sexually in order to discourage her from straying? Stop listening to the Shaitan.
jasmine
April 24, 2011 at 8:38 AM
sorry but education is the key
nuqtah
August 1, 2007 at 7:55 AM
What on earth is ‘marital rape’ anyway? As far as I know there is no such term in ‘Shari’ah’, however I do know that if a husband having intercourse with his wife when it could cause her emotional or physical distress, then he shouldn’t do it. But, what if this is ‘not’ the case? In that case if a wife refuses the husband then isn’t that ‘wrong’?
I agree with WM that it is the husband’s prerogative, but, so is it of a wife. If a wife is in need and husband refuses without a valid excuse, then he’s also guilty of a sin.
But, seriously what’s up with this mildly ‘feminazi’ agenda, where the man is always wrong? I admit that a husband may be addicted to porn for various reasons. But, one of the reasons could be that the ‘wife’ is not fullfilling his needs.
[quote]If you have people who are idle these things will happen, if there lives are boring and regular–they will try new things, which are haraam.
[/quote]
I definitely agree with this. When one has nothing to do, they are prone to a lot of waswas.
Mujahideen Ryder
August 1, 2007 at 8:50 AM
Honestly, if you want to stop watching porn, just think of all the STDs they have, because they do have em. Watch some videos about those disgusting diseases, and you’ll probably never want to watch that nasty crap again.
Amad
August 1, 2007 at 9:01 AM
Nuqtah: there is no “feminazi” agenda here (a term you borrowed from our right-wing haters). We are talking about a problem that is very real. And you cannot blame that on women, because we are talking about HUSBANDS, who are usually men (in the “normal” world). I don’t know of many cases of women being addicted to porn (I am sure exceptions exist) even though they have desires similar to that of men.
So, since it’s a man’s problem (mostly) and this man’s problem is causing a problem in the household with his wife (excepting her to behave like the porn actresses / satisfying oneself with porn instead o her), then we can blame the man for it. In fact, we are not really blaming anyone. We are trying to figure out what causes this and how to stop it.
MR: Its tough to get STDs watching porn :) I know you didn’t mean it that way, but really, if people are not thinking about their wives, children and above all their Lord, do you think they’ll be thinking about how bad these porn stars are, or what diseases they have?
anonymous sister
August 1, 2007 at 9:14 AM
One must remember that women are shy by nature so it is natural that they refrain from talking about this subject even with their husbands especially in the early period of marriage. Sometimes they have certain needs/sexual desires and they feel shy to inform their husbands about it. And perhaps that is why they become disinterested in the sexual life causing dissatisfaction to the husbands.
That’s why I believe that husbands should take the initiative and talk/ask their wives about this.
Hassan
August 1, 2007 at 10:50 AM
Amad bhai, yes muslimmatters has no femanazi agenda (femanazi coined by Colbert), but there are femanazis who do post here or other forums. And unfortunately many are muslim women.
Maryam
January 11, 2016 at 11:29 AM
When men defend themselves.. It isn’t labelled. But when a woman tries to stand up for herself.. They introduce a coined term. Feminazi. -_-
Abu Muhammad
August 1, 2007 at 11:19 AM
Look at the levels of societal sexualisation and levels of public nudity or decency in clothing.
Here in the west this is affected by what people regard as normal.
As the media numbs our morality level, the norms of acceptability change.
A good example would be Bollywood. In the late eighties sexual content was alluded to. There were no kisses in Bollywood. Slowly this began to change as the public became numb to the new standard which the daily Indian media fed them. So today the Bollywood films are just like their western counterparts and perhaps they intend to surpass that.
Take a look at Henry Makow’s website. He always writes about this stuff:
http://www.savethemales.ca/000165.html
Have a look for his article that explains why watching porn can lead to homosexuality.
So to continue: If the media numbs us to normal sexual decency and behaviour and the level is raised for people to look for something else that turns them on. They look for something more exciting. This can lead to sexual deviancy even by western standards (refer to APA definitions).
I think the men as opposed to the sisters are watching porn becuase men are aroused through visual stimuli whereas women tend to be more touch orientated (sorry about the level of detail but I think it’s important to understand).
This is a problem common to all men now not just Muslim men. The christians have clinics to counsel people off porn. It is an Information Age problem or should I say epidemic.
I’m not a Psychiatrist but I do study Psychology and it can help to use some methods to stop brothers doing this.
One NLP technique would be to anchor porn with homosexuality. This can either be done in counselling or it can be addressed in any lectures done on Islamic sexual etiquette.
We need to resolve this problem on a wider scale. To understand the scale of the problem just google ‘porn addiction’:
http://www.manontheroad.org/pornography_addiction.htm
I don’t believe that wives are at fault here. Brothers who are doing this need to make taubah and replace this ‘enjoyment’ with halal stuff. Sometimes we look for answers far away but the Qur’an is only on the shelf next to you:
“The inhabitants of the city came rejoicing (at the news of the young men’s arrival). Lut said: “Verily! These are my guests, so shame me not. And fear Allah and disgrace me not.” They (people of the city) said: “Did we not forbid you to entertain (or protect) any of the Alamin (people, foreigners strangers etc) from us?” Lut said: “These (the girls of the nation) are my daughters to marry lawfully) if you must act so.” (Surah 15:51-77)
So the people of Lut wanted to satisfy their desires in an unlawful matter. Allah gave them an alternative halal way. Women.
The brothers who are watching porn have to leave that. Make taubah. Go to your wives, talk to them. Build up relationship. Spend more time with them. Fulfil their rights and needs and yours will be fulfilled.
Also there is a distinct lack of spirituality (WOW and this is coming from a zahiri Salafi) which leads to sin. Whilst I abhor Sufism (ittihad, hulool, whirling, whadatulwujood) I must witness that we need a great amount of tazkiyyah and must take the path of sulook that out forefathers were upon. If your salah is not taking you away from this sin then there’s something massively wrong there.
The Wahhabi Misanthrope
August 1, 2007 at 12:02 PM
Actually- I was wrong. A good brother told be that a husband’s hyperactive libido was a perfectly valid reason for a wife to have recourse to a judge.
Sorry.
Ruth Nasrullah
August 1, 2007 at 12:08 PM
Asalaamu alaikum.
Just for the record, Colbert didn’t coin the word “feminazi.” I’m not sure what ultra right-wing depths it sprang from, but Colbert only used it in parody.
I would also argue that it’s not a real word, but is only used in a derogatory sense.
ruth nasrullah
August 1, 2007 at 12:15 PM
I’d also like to add the point that rape is an act of violence, not a sexual act.
Abu Muhammad
August 1, 2007 at 12:19 PM
How does rape translate to shar’i language:
Zina bil Jabr (outside marriage that is)
What about inside marriage?
Amad
August 1, 2007 at 12:24 PM
Feminazi is no different from Islamofascist… its all got to do with hearkening back to the Nazi imagery in order to drive fear and hatred in the hearts of people. We should drop these terms for our own good and to be fair-minded (if we don’t like one, then don’t propogate the other).
Br. Abu Muhammad: great comments! You are right that this is not just a Muslim issue. As doobiedoo mentioned, there are Christian organizations that help deal with this. As Muslims though, this is a bigger taboo… most others can get away with saying they watch porn because the same standards of haya and fahshaa don’t apply to others. So, with the bigger taboo comes more secrecy… and thus less opportunities for addicts to seek recourse or help for fear of embarrassment and/or exposing one’s sins.
I also agree with your last comment. I pushed and pushed for the Texas Dawah conference a couple of years ago to be on purification of soul. However, it was deemed not to have enough topics for a full conference, which is probably correct. But otherwise too, we don’t have enough of spirituality discussions among the “non-sufis” (as much as I don’t like using labels). AlMaghrib is apparently starting a course on it and its need has not been lost on the new wave of students of knowledge. So, I hope to see more of it.
Which brings me back to my last question… how much do of a need do we have to run sessions at a major conference, such as TDC, to have a sex-ed talk for adults? Some have suggested not “opening the door” and that there is sufficient information on the net already… but is that enough or even equivalent? This is not a theoretical question, but rather the organizers are looking for feedback. So, fire away with your thoughts!
Hassan
August 1, 2007 at 12:33 PM
Islamfacists is related to islam, feminazis is related to feminists, ok I would not use term feminazis, I think feminists itself is bad enough.
My favorite sheikh once said beautiful thing. When a person divulge into haram, Allah does not let him/her enjoy halaal. He told story of a brother who complained to him that he can not marry because he does not find a single attractive muslim woman. Sheikh asked him abruptly, do you watch porn? The guy was shocked, and said yes. Sheikh said, how would you then taste the sweetness of halaal.
I see no fault on sister part if men are committing sins. If they are not satisfied with one, they should not make excuse and watch porn, they should marry more. Unless feminists have problem with that.
Abu Muhammad
August 1, 2007 at 12:41 PM
Men who watch porn would not be satisfied with two, three or more women.
I have to go to diaylis now.
When I come back I’ll tell you about the extent of the rot in England. It will blow your mind. Maybe you should make some dhikr now so that when the shock comes your imaan is high.
Umar Lee might want to add it as an addendum to his many chapters.
Amad
August 1, 2007 at 12:43 PM
“Umar Lee might want to add it as an addendum to his many chapters.”
Didn’t quite get that…
ruth nasrullah
August 1, 2007 at 12:45 PM
Salaams, Br. Amad. I would say the TDC definitely should offer lectures on sexuality if people are suggesting the internet is a viable alternative! Bleccch!
The Wahhabi Misanthrope
August 1, 2007 at 2:49 PM
“I’d also like to add the point that rape is an act of violence, not a sexual act.”
(courtesy of dictionary.com):
Rape:
“1. the unlawful compelling of a woman through physical force or duress to have sexual intercourse.
2. any act of sexual intercourse that is forced upon a person.”
Therefore, violence isn’t a necessary part of rape. Plus, the Islamic and ‘Western’ definitions of ‘rape are not the same.
Rape in the ‘Western’ sense is sex without consent of one of the parties- irregardless of who those ‘parties’ may be.
Rape in the Shar’i sense doesn’t cover a husband’s ‘rape’ of his wife. Of course, it’s not advisable for a husband to have sex with his wife without her consent- but whether it’s morally wrong is a different question.
Remember, in this part of the world, emphasis is placed on the ‘individual’, and therefore upon her [the wife’s] consent.
Of course, words like mine are going to elicit whatever emotional responses.
Asiya
August 1, 2007 at 5:30 PM
Interesting how in a post called “The Secret Life of Husbands,” which explains the mistakes of some Muslim men (because watching porn is a mistake and a sin, no two ways about that), anyone who says something even remotely ‘against’ these men, is branded with some kind of name ex. ‘feminazi.’
I think this is an excellent topic for large conferences and I know of Muslims who would be very interested in attending such a lecture, both men and women. I don’t know where this site operates from, but please send some up to the Islamic conferences we have in Canada!
restingtraveller
August 1, 2007 at 5:43 PM
InshaAllah the question of marital rape should be answered by a scholar and not deduce your own judgments on the matter.
I would hope something on a large scale like TDC could be done…we can’t even have the brothers stay for a lecture on haydh (menses) for an hour, I wonder how one on sex-ed would go…
(obviously men don’t have haydh but they need to be familiar with these topics because their wives, daughters, sisters go through it. Imam Ahmad studied feminine hygiene for 9 years…one hour wouldn’t hurt anyone)
The Wahhabi Misanthrope
August 1, 2007 at 5:51 PM
It’s not ‘my own judgement’. I’m not as careless in speaking about ‘marital rape’, as you are in accusing others of making up their own opinions about it.
Abu Muhammad
August 1, 2007 at 8:08 PM
@Amad
I was going to open the topic up a little more.
To be frank, there were/are problems with a lot of the Salafi du’at and brothers and sisters which are related to this topic yet probably worse in the level of sin.
(And I only mentioned Salafi because that’s my background, it could have been any group with any number of problems.)
And I’m sure similar incidents have occured in a community near you (wherever that may be).
The reason I’m only making allusions is that I’m in two minds about this. The hikmah of bringing these issues out in the open or not?
I suppose this is probably the best place to talk about, where we can do so without ending up in flame wars etc.
If we can continue the conversation without labels, that would be preferred. It is definitely not a “salafi” problem (even though you mentioned the disclaimer) like it isn’t just a Muslim problem. -MM
nuqtah
August 2, 2007 at 12:59 PM
Once again politically correct ‘muslims’ jump the gun. My ‘feminazi’ reference had nothing to do with the original post. Do read it in the context, if you will. It was made for one sole reason that while husband and wife may problems in their ‘sex life’; it is wrong to assume, as is done for most of the time, that it is only husband’s fault.
AnonyMouse
August 2, 2007 at 7:23 PM
“it is wrong to assume, as is done for most of the time, that it is only husband’s fault.”
That’s odd – the times I’ve read about this subject, it’s usually by men blaming the women for not being compliant and dismissing her reasons as being pathetic excuses.
sincethestorm
August 2, 2007 at 8:02 PM
Br. Hasan, That’s such a ridiculuous one step solution…marry more than one wife. The problem that you can’t seem to understand is that a Muslim man is watching porn! His aqeedah, eeman, and taqwa are messed up. How on earth is he going to properly handle that situation? How is he going to deal justly and equally with two women when he can’t behave himself?
Hassan
August 2, 2007 at 8:47 PM
sincethestorm, that quite ridiculuous jump to conclude that the person “aqeedah” is messed up. His emaan may be.., and if he had better emaan, that person would refrain from porn and take halaal means of marrying. Watching porn is due to lack of emaan, and people with emaan, would take the halal means (marrying more).
Hassan
August 2, 2007 at 8:50 PM
sincethestorm, would I be right to understand your position that if a single man (never married before) who watches porn, should not marry at all, because he cant behave himself?
The Wahhabi Misanthrope
August 2, 2007 at 10:41 PM
Amad, can you email me?
WM: I have emailed you before and emailed you again yesterday. For some reason you never seem to get my email. Check your spam emails.
anonymous sister
August 2, 2007 at 11:20 PM
Br. Hasan the problem is not the second marriage. These brothers are not watching porns because they are not satisfied with their wives, rather, it is because they fall into this wrong as a result they start feeling unsatisfied with their wives.
It is, initially, their own weakness of not being able to stay away from these easily accessible porn sites/magazines
I don’t think the solution is 2/3/4 wives, even if they do take more wives, this problem will remain in them until they fight the root problem.
Why don’t they work on their spirituality first, take proper steps of staying away from these sites by minimizing their time on the computer etc. And if they still feel the urge for more wives, then by all means take more wives.
But to say that the ‘solution’ of this problem is plural marriage, is utterly wrong and just an ‘easy’ way out (although it is not the way out). It is patching the tear not fixing it, and the patch will fall out if the tear continues to grow…
sincethestorm
August 3, 2007 at 12:12 AM
Re:
1. Watching porn is due to a lack of emaan, and people with emaan, would take the halal means (marrying more).
–> We’re not discussing a person with eeman. We know that they would not be watching porn. Or, they would woe their wife, fast, pray, lower their gaze, woe their wife some more, take cold showers for goodness sake but not resort to porn!
2. would I be right to understand your position that if a single man (never married before) who watches porn, should not marry at all, because he cant behave himself?
–> Thats a ridiculuous jump to conclusion. You offered plural marriage as a solution. I said that a person who has messed up eeman shouldn’t marry again because he can’t control himself and respect his first wife…how on earth could he treat and respect the next one correctly and keep things equal.
–>Lets suppose you have sister. I doubt you would be eager to accept a proposal from this guy. I don’t think you would tell the married brother go get another wife. Your advice would start with the basics….aqeedah. Fear of Allah, attributes of Allah, day of judgement.
anonymous
August 3, 2007 at 7:04 AM
Brothers should teach their wives how to please them and vice versa.
Hassan
August 3, 2007 at 9:27 AM
sincethestorm,
1. Sorry, I can not see the difference between single man watching porn and married man with one wife watching porn. Both lack emaan, both have desires, both need advice, both need to fast if they can not afford to marry (more in one case), and if both repent sincerely, and want this thing not to occur again, they need halal means as replacement. For a single guy to marry first time, and for married man to marry second so he does not fall back in sin due to urge.
2. I do not see how aqeedah is involved in this whole thing though..
Amad
August 3, 2007 at 9:50 AM
Hassan, I don’t think you understand the article very well…
What about married men with four wives watching porn? Should he divorce one to get a 5th, like musical chairs? :) Obviously this logic is somewhat flawed. esp. when it comes to matters of addiction.
Porn doesn’t necessarily reflect a person’s libido… many times it is an addiction that has no connection to reality. So, even the folks who are not bound by Islamic morality in this matter, i.e. those who can satisfy themselves with multiple women, may STILL be addicted to porn. How do you solve this one?
The first, second or more marriages may help but ONLY for a short period of time. Once each wife ‘gets old’, the person will resort back to porn for his visual need for ‘new’ stuff.
I can understand that if a person feels that he has more desire than is satisfied by one wife, he should seek halal means. But, the addiction to porn is an altogether different issue that most likely will NEVER be solved by marrying a hundred times.
As for aqeedah, etc… the sister means that if a person understands Allah’s Attributes, like His Seeing and Hearing, then he will be less likely to engage in this act. So, yes, this may not be an “Aqeedah issue” per say, but rather an issue related to the weakness of applying what one knows from Aqeedah.
So, going back to the topic, I am still hoping that we can provide more answers/ experiences for folks dealing with this addiction (besides plural marriages!).
salik1000
June 8, 2009 at 2:12 AM
As-Salaamu -alaikum brothers and sisters. I am new to this forum. Sorry to just jump in.
I just like to say that one of the basics of Aqeedah is that when a muslim commits a sin and he still believes that it is wrong and feels guilty about it then his Aqeedah is still intact, but if he commits a sin and denies that
he has commited a sin or doesn’t think that what he is doing is haram then his Aqeedah needs to be examined and he has reached to kufr.
Secondly, I can say by looking on this forum as well as the Muslim Circle at noporn.com that I have seen may brothers posts and they even admit its not he wifes fault because she does not attract him or try to arouse his interest. They admit that they prefer porn to having intimacy with their wife so getting a second is not going to resolve this in most cases. I can say that when I have been on a porn binge for awhile even after having intimacy with my wife my nafs comes back and says that now all you needs is to see a few pictures/videos
and then you’ll be really satisfied. It’s like someone who eats and then can’t be satisfied until they have a cigarette after the meal. I have heard smokers who say that they just don’t feel like the meal is complete without lighting up a cigarette after wards.
Dawud
August 3, 2007 at 9:53 AM
I don’t see how the marital rape discussion is conducive to the seriousness of this issue.
I had another solution I wanted to share.
And it repeats that same point I highlighted earlier: Out of Meaninglessness Comes Pornography.
Let’s take these troubled brothers and attach them to Islamic efforts, either online or elsewhere. There are many Islamic websites that are run by volunteers (this is one, I believe) where they perform a number of tasks–from designing webspace to posting Dawah on forums. We can take these brothers and hook them up with people like Yusuf Estes and get them Islamically active. If they have issues with the computer (i.e. unable to resist the urge while on the computer) then we could get them hooked with other Islamic efforts going on (soup kitchens, street dawah, Tableeghi Jamaat etc). This will have to be regular and intense at times because if you get them to be idle–they will resort to porn. If you can’t hook up with some bigtime shaykh than perhaps build a support group or another group of like-minded brothers to get dawah going on.
Muhammad AlShareef mentions in his CD lecture, “When Wolves becomes Shepherds” that when some action is committed–a new pathway is made in the brain. Based on that theory, if we can strengthen an Islamic pathway (i.e. Dawah)–it will weaken or make on forget the pornographic pathway.
Hassan
August 3, 2007 at 9:59 AM
Amad bhai, I am willing to give you 1000$ if you find me a muslim man with 4 wives who watches porn.
So basically you are saying addiction to porn has nothing to do with person’s desires?
The person’s application of aqeedah may be weak, but that does not mean anytime a man or woman sin, we say his aqeedah is corrupt.
Amad
August 3, 2007 at 10:16 AM
Hassan, let’s move on… Besides the fact that addiction and desires can actually be unrelated, this is not a practical solution for MOST people. Husbands can hardly keep up with one wife, let alone look for others. And the BIGGEST problem with this methodology is that it gives husbands an excuse to keep watching porn until they get their second wives… “Honey, can’t control my testosterone, so until you find me the second one, I’ll just have to keep watching porn”. This problem needs to be solved EXCLUSIVE of polygamy. So, again, let’s move on to the real world we live in.
Dawud, again good suggestions. But, it does seem that activism (as in the questions asked in the article linked) does not solve the problem. Sometimes, in fact, the strongest callers to Islam are spiritually lacking themselves, and by engaging in “helping others”, they forget themselves.
I totally agree that tabligh is a good place to start for those who are very low on emaan. It does good for a lot of people in early stages of knowledge and spirituality.
Hassan
August 3, 2007 at 10:54 AM
The excuse can be used by single non-married person, to keep watching porn, saying oh I am not married and can not control testosterone.
By no means, I am justifying anyone watching porn. It is haram, period. And it is man’s fault, period. It is lack of his emaan period.
But let me ask you, if a young single man comes to you weeping, saying he is been sinning and has repented and need your help. Would not marriage be among one of the things you would suggest him? Or your solution would be “exclusive of marriage”.
sincethestorm
August 3, 2007 at 1:12 PM
Dr. Hassan,
There are 3 people who disagree that a plural marriage is not the solution. You do not ruin another person’s life because you can’t control yourself. You are the only one who keeps advocating that miraculuously another wife will come into the picture and the guy will all the sudden behave from now on. Its ridiculuous period.
A person needs to realize that he is doing something wrong. He repents and stops. No one is saying or going to hold a person who repents accountable for his action for the rest of his life. You are not understanding the problem and the solution you’re offering is only going to create more problems for more people. Br Amad gets it.
qwerty
August 3, 2007 at 1:32 PM
As someone who is experiencing this fitnah, i can authoritatively tell you that most of your comments that discuss the reasons for why people like me fell into this sin are way off mark.
Reading stuff like “be open and more communicative” and the BS from MujahideenRyder, is infuriating. You don’t realise the self-loathing, and hatred a brother has for himself in his day to day life when he remembers what he does when no one is watching but Allah. And if only it was as simple as you guys suggest…
Inshallah, i will post something in more detail later but for the time being just be glad that Allah protected you from this fitnah.
Dawud
August 3, 2007 at 2:29 PM
None of the solutions can be deemed to work “all on their own”–it’s only a combination of solutions that will have an effect, Insha Allah.
Activism will keep them busy throughout the day. Qiyaam throughout the night. One thing that should be mentioned regarding qiyaam is that–it is one of the quintessential elements that raises a person from being ‘just another Muslim’ to one who has ‘Imaan’ and Insha Allah ‘Ihsaan’. The state of Muslim should be such that his inner spiritual life, is better than his known religious life.
Just as certain haraam actions are ‘addictive’ in nature–qiyaam is the halaal action having an ‘addictive’ quality to it (to quote Yasir Qadhi). If you do it properly, slowly and deeply enough–you are HOOKED!
There are other things one can do to remind oneself of Allah–such as learning one of the most ignored Islamic books, “Hisnul Muslim” and memorizing, understanding the beauty of those duaas. It is difficult to do something sinful, when you have Allah always on your tongue and mind.
So in summary:
1) Activism
2) Qiyaam
3) Hisnul Muslim
Everything so far has been a ‘theoritical’ discussion as to solving this problem. How can muslimmatters and the Muslim bloggers now go ahead and put some of this into action? Discussion is great—but we should find out how to get a solution out there and working. Otherwise, this is all fruitless.
AnonyMouse
August 3, 2007 at 3:07 PM
I think that the best person/ people to comment on this subject are those who have been involved in such a situation themselves (directly or indirectly, if it’s someone they know) – is there anyone reading this who fits that category?
We’d truly appreciate some “experienced” insight into this so that we can move on from theoretical discussion and instead look at very practical solutions which have been tried and tested.
Amad
August 3, 2007 at 3:17 PM
Actually, Br. Dawud, this is EXACTLY NOT theoretical. Rather, this is practical. You and others are providing practical steps to the “silent victims or aggressors” in this issues. Discussion in itself is the first step towards solution, and since these are matters of the soul, it has to come from within…
Amad
August 3, 2007 at 3:28 PM
See qwerty’s comment above… it got delayed to being somehow marked as spam…
I look forward to hearing more from Qwerty.
AnonyMouse
August 3, 2007 at 3:39 PM
On the subject of marital rape, I had read an article a while ago by a scholar (can’t remember where or who – am desperately trying to find it, though) who analyzed the issue by looking at it through Shari’ah rules and guidelines regarding marital rights/ spousal rights/ intimacy issues and concluded that when a woman has a valid excuse for not going to her husband, then he can’t force it on her when it’s going to cause any kind of harm (emotion/ psychological/ physical trauma) because it violates her rights as a Muslim to be safe from the harm of another Muslim, and as a wife because her right is to be protected and kept safe by her husband (amongst other things).
If anyone else can remember reading this article, or something similar, could you please post a link here?
Also, I think it’d be awesome if someone can fire off a question about this to Islam Q&A or IslamOnline…
Hassan
August 3, 2007 at 3:42 PM
sincethestorm, I hope you accidently said Dr. then Br. and you were no way sarcastic.
I remember something from some old Pakistani comedy. The teacher asks students who was the son of Humyun (mugul King), and some students start shouting, Babar, and some starts shouting Akbar. Then the teacher said, ok how many say Babar was son of Humayun, 3 students raised hands, and then the teachers asked, and how many say Akbar, 2 raised hands. The teacher then said, hence by democracy Babar was son of Humayun…
Ofcourse Br. Amad “gets it”, because he agrees with you. He and you have not answered my questions logically, which is single man watching porn being addicted to it vs married man watching porn being addicted to it. Both need intervention, both need to repent, both needs to seek halal means not to go back to it. A married man who has repented, and sincere, should marry second if he feels that his desires would lead him back to haram again.
AnonyMouse
August 3, 2007 at 4:20 PM
Also related to marital rape:
http://ummreem.wordpress.com/2007/03/09/woman-an-object-of-mans-pleasure/#more-27
(BTW, apologies for going slightly off-topic…)
Now, to go back on-topic:
Hassan, I think that to know exactly how to deal with the situation, and whether marriage (whether for the first time, or getting a second wife) is a good solution to it, we need to find out what leads these men into porn addiction in the first place – and from comments above (as well as other stuff I’ve read on the subject), I don’t think it’s just due to a lack of fulfilling their physical desires; in fact there may be some other, deeper psychological reasons for it and thus the solution to dealing with it will be more than just marriage.
Ruth Nasrullah
August 3, 2007 at 4:21 PM
OK, regarding the issue of rape – rape by definition is the act of physically forcing someone to submit to a sexual act. It’s an act of violence. Period.
Do we Muslims believe that Islam forbids a man to be violent to his wife, or is that something we only say during dawah activities?
How can we talk about the beautiful rights Islam grants to women, and how they’re superior to rights given to women under western secular law, and yet imagine even for a minute that a Muslim husband has the right to commit any violent act against his wife? The guidelines for a husband to deal with a disobedient wife are outlined very clearly in the Quran – but we assure non-Muslims that those guidelines in no way condone a husband to injure his wife. Do we truly believe that Islam does not condone marital violence or is that only something we say to defend ourselves against charges of opression against women?
At the risk of being labeled a “proggie” and kicked off the MuslimMatters board, I assert that it’s not a question for scholars, or a question at all, whether a Muslim man can rape his wife. Period. I have no more to say on the subject.
Amad
August 3, 2007 at 4:43 PM
Sr. Ruth, there is no risk to your position, because we are all equal teamsters, with our independent and sometimes different or controversial opinions!
If rape is always in the context of violence, which I understood it to be as well, then you are right that there is no issue here to discuss.
The confusion may be between what is consensual and what is non-consensual… i.e. what if the wife continues to insist on non-relations. There is a difference between being violently forced to do something or to be “forced” in the sense that the wife did not want it. I think that is a valid question.
I do believe though that when it comes to this, then there is a bigger problem in the marriage than just intimacy and perhaps that needs to be resolved first. A healthy marriage that is clear in its objectives would recognize both parties’ desire for intimacy, and should not resort to “punishment through denial” on either side and subsequent “forceful relations” (non-violent) from the husband’s side. Wallahualam.
doobiedoo
August 3, 2007 at 5:01 PM
Initially I was agreeing with Hassan about the issue of another wife, but now I’ve sided with Amad and Sincethestorms logic about taking another wife. I consider there to be a difference in men who long at porn occaisonally and men who are bonafide addicts. People who are addicted might have started off looking at it because they weren’t getting enough sex, but generally by the time they are actually addicted they are doing it for completely different reasons than “not getting enough” If a person is addicted marrying another woman is not going to solve the problem. He could be getting all the sex in the world and would still be thinking about and looking at porn. And instead of keeping his problems between him and his wife he is throwing them onto another woman. A porn addict should be thinking about getting help/counseling for both himself and his current marriage, not throwing his problems and addictions onto someone else
amad
August 3, 2007 at 5:07 PM
Here’s a solution for marital rape. If the woman refuses, the man should just marry another wife. And if there is a problem with marital rape with 2 wives, the man should just go ahead and marry the 3rd. I can bet you 1000$ that no one with 4 wives is having a problem with marital rape [Reference: The Hassan Theories v.1].
P.S. Hassan yaar, just kidding… that’s what we FOBs like to do.
Doobiedoo… on spot.
Hassan
August 3, 2007 at 5:31 PM
Amad bhai, although you are comparing apples and oranges (they are two different issues, porn addiction and marital rape), but yeah I would doubt you can find someone with 4 wives all complaining. But I did not speak about marital rape anyway.
I am not sure if people are mis-understanding me or what, can someone tell me if I said anything like this “a married man addicted with porn is innocent and marrying second wife would make him magically stop from watching porn”?
My point was after repentance, the person married or single needs to find halal means for not going back to porn (non-addictively, addiction starts later), and which is to get married. Why marriage would be helpful to a single man, while not helpful to married man from falling into haraam? If porn addiction is in question, why is it in question for married man only, why not single man as well?
When did I say that a man needs to keep getting married till he gets off porn? getting off porn addiction and repentance is first, then protecting from falling into again. And marrying more would be part of protection.
ibnabeeomar
August 3, 2007 at 5:43 PM
hassan – here is the answer:
read the article from islamonline – one of the reasons for people looking at porn is escapism so that is completely unrelated to the fulfilling of desires with wives. They might have 4 wives, but the ‘escape from reality’ aspect is still fulfilled by looking at porn. its really 2 different issues.
regarding marital rape – then i heard an EXCELLENT explanation of this issue in a brief manner from yahya ibrahim (sorry i cant remember which lecture as it was a couple of years ago), but the hadith: A woman is disobedient if her husband calls her to bed and she refuses and the angels curse her til the morning is proof that marital rape is not allowed.
how?
because the hadith shows she refused (without a valid reason i might add), but the hadith says the husband went to bed upset – i.e. he cannot force himself on his wife, even if he has a ‘valid’ case.
amad
August 3, 2007 at 5:45 PM
ibnabeeomar: Excellent indeed! Yahya is a genius!
P.S. Hasan, it was a JOKE… muzaaq… thattha. Indeed it was comparing apples and kaylas.
Hassan
August 3, 2007 at 6:04 PM
ibnabeeomar, ok so it means watching porn has nothing to do with man’s sexual desire, just escapism? Escapism from what reality?
Secondly, you guys have to promise then, if some single man complains about addicted to porn, asking him to get married to avoid falling into fitnah again, would not be one of the things you recommend.
Hassan
August 3, 2007 at 6:08 PM
http://www.islam-qa.com/index.php?ref=7669&ln=eng
Read point 4.
Hassan
August 3, 2007 at 6:10 PM
And
http://www.islam-qa.com/index.php?ref=42165&ln=eng
“The Muslim has to seek chastity by means of marriage, and try his best to achieve that. “
Amad
August 3, 2007 at 6:19 PM
ok you win Hassan. Can we move on now? It is not an option ANYWAY for the majority of people (though I am still hopeful ;) ) so I’d like to move on to more practical steps.
Let’s see what Qwerty has to say…
sincethestorm
August 3, 2007 at 6:26 PM
It was a typo..nothing more intended. Not renting it, downloading it, seeking refuge from Allah when the thought occurs, spending time with your wife who probably was aware of it, reading Quran, doing extra ibadah, surrounding yourself with a good company of people, and staying busy with work or school are all ways. Giving someone advice already married and living in this country to marry more is not practical for MANY people.
Just so I understand, you’re suggesting that a man who overcame his weakness, repented and stopped watching porn should look for another wife as a form of protection. Let’s say the wife or his parents don’t consent to your suggestion? Who is searching for the 2nd wife? You’re pushing someone into something like talking to many women maybe situations of khalwa when you already know he has a weakness.
Advicing a single man with no income i.e. a student to get married is also bad advice. A single man with a job will already be working on getting married. He’s not going to be waiting around to hear that from anyone.
Hassan
August 3, 2007 at 6:29 PM
Ok, this would be my last comment. It is not an option because we want to appease feminists muslim women.
On related subject, remember you, Zahid, Ramzy were at my place for dinner. And issue of second marriage came up, and everyones mouth watered.. and it was agreed (as I remember) that men want variety in wives.. I think I have said too much
sabestian
June 15, 2009 at 4:09 AM
Marrying multiple based on sexual desires might fulfill desires but is not feasible when it comes to fulfilling the equal rights in financial fairness and time spend. You are creating more problems to solve one problem and that also without any GURANTEE that the original problem of obsession with sex will be cured. In the perfect world where all women love to be co-wives and always understand if man spends more money and time on one of his favorite wife, your solution seems very attractive but IN REAL WORLD, at least I don’t know of any female, even the most religious and practicing ones, who jump for joy when husband shows his desire for second, third or fourth wife.
Besides, from a medical perspective I can assure you this problem is far from just fulfilling natural desire of sexual intimacy. I can’t give you example from Muslim world because I doubt that Muslim men make it public that they have these problems, but I can give you more famous and well known ones in the western world, kanye west for instance had sex addiction and he seeked medical help for it, David Duchovny the actor, and among females lindsy lohan and her likes. And there are more like these. It’s a proven fact that abundance of sexual partners does not cure sexual addiction because in case of these rappers/actors there is no limit to sexual partners, not 4 not 5 not 6. Pornography is a fantasy world and if husbands expect their wife to look so picture perfect like the porn stars are made to appear or act as nasty as they do, they will never be satisfied even if they have 4 wives. In their case its false expectations and addiction to sex (the example of guy who wanted it 5 times a day, that guy from his symptoms was a sex addict) and these men need medical intervention to cure this problem and get more involved in spiritual health with dhikr and salah.
The most commonly reported sexually compulsive behaviors is not limited to pornography and it includes compulsive masturbation, engaging in phone sex etc. They are convinced in their subconscious that in order to reach their full potential they must have more sex, more frequently and with greater intensity. Sexually compulsive individuals, by definition, have lost the ability to control their sexual behavior.
Symptoms include
1.) Recurrent failures to distract oneself from sexual urges;
2.) An increase in tolerance, requiring greater frequency and intensity of sexual experience to requiring the desired result;
3.) A continuation of the behavior despite the risk of negative consequences;
4.) Symptoms of withdrawal including restlessness, irritability and emotional liability, or “mood swings” if unable to engage in sexual acting out.
It is also sad to read that some (hopefully it’s not the majority or is it?) Muslim men don’t think there is any rape in marriages. I am not a scholar but I feel a religion so beautiful and so perfect that it even mentions the rights of animals and protects animals from abuse would disregard a problem which not just physically but mentally scars a human kind (women). And only Allah knows best.
Amad
August 3, 2007 at 6:34 PM
Indeed you have said too much. To protect myself from the wrath of the spouse, I must clarify that my mouth was “watering” because of the yummy food… that is the OFFICIAL story… and I am sticking to it ;)
Until our next dinner meeting…
sincethestorm
August 3, 2007 at 6:59 PM
Man you’ll go to any length to prove you’re not wrong. From watery mouth stories to the throwing out feminist muslim women conspiracy theories. Finally, you have given us your last comment!
Hassan
August 3, 2007 at 7:11 PM
sincethestorm, you are picking up on last comment, because you did not have any logic to counter what I said before.
I write because I believe I am right, but I could be wrong, and I believe you are wrong, but you could be right. I do not ask others to stop from posting if they do not agree with me. If it was meant that way, the author would have said, please write only if you agree with us.
Wassalam, I would not post any comment further, you may continue making fun of me..
The Wahhabi Misanthrope
August 3, 2007 at 7:33 PM
Bismillah.
In his essay entitled ‘Ideology and Ideological State Apparatuses [ISA’s]’, Althusser made some points on the mechanics of socialisation within a social formation that we, as Muslims living in a non-Muslim society, can benefit from. Some good information can also be gleaned from the Manifesto.
Marxism is a useful tool to Muslims living in the West in that it enables them to cut through the crap of socialisation. Instead of perceiving the ‘dominant’ set of moral and ethical values, certain political institutions or ‘rights’ given to the individual (etc) as absolute, as desiderata or something to be emulated, he can see these values/institutions for what they are. That is, not only can he grasp what Althusser might call their ‘historical’ nature, but he can see that they are hollow, that they find their origins in a certain chain of historical circumstances etc.
Once a set of moral values (etc) is shown to be hollow in its implied claim to ‘absoluteness’ or ‘innateness’, its existence as an objective moral value is destroyed.
The ‘age of consent’ in Western Europe is a good example of socialisation at work.
Why is the line between childhood and adulthood drawn so arbitrarily (and so humanly) in ‘Western’ societies? What is ‘paedophilia’? In the English legal sense, a good example would be a man (i.e. and adult) and a girl of age less than 16 engaging in sexual congress. In English eyes, this is a criminal act, irregardless of the nature of the relationship between the two parties (e.g. are they married?). In Islam, however, it is by no means at all that way. Even if we were to mention that both parties were consented, in terms of English law, that would be irrelevant, as the 15 (etc) year-old girl is unable to consent in the proper sense, as she is below the age at which that society deems it permissible for a person to consent to sex. Furthermore, there is a great deal of stigma attached to the fact that, as in this example, she slept with a man of (for example) forty years of age. Europeans consider it a great taboo, a profane deed, even though a cursory knowledge of history would be enough to refute the claim to ‘absoluteness’ in this morality.
Continuing with our example, can anyone tell me why many ignorant Muslims, in the case of Muhammad (sal Allahu alayhi wa sallam), are so severely disillusioned when they read that he (sal Allahu alayhi wa sallam) consummated his marriage with A`isha when she was nine years old?
The reason is that, from their birth, by the action of the ISA’s of Althusser (e.g. the family ISA, the educational ISA etc), they have been conditioned to think in a certain way; taught to think that the aforementioned constitutes an unmentionable crime, a cardinal sin etc. Eagleton writes that the role of ‘ideology’ is (ultimately) to make wage-labourers subordinate to the owners of the means of production, either by making them think that such is the ‘natural’ state of affairs, or by making them not consider the question of hierarchy at all. Now, we can take this formula, throw out ‘wage-labour’ and ‘means of production’, and exchange them for notions such as ‘morality’.
So, given the example of A`isha (R.A.A), why do ignorant Muslims object? Furthermore, how can they even countenance doing so when generations of kuffar did even raise an eyebrow?
Ibn Khaldun said that the ‘weak’ emulate the ‘strong’. That is another dimension of the answer. The Muslims are politically, militarily, economically and technologically backward, in comparison to some non-Muslim polities. Ignorant Muslims will look at the moralities and political cultures and so on of these this-worldly successful states, and conclude that (for example) values such as tolerance of religious dissent, freedom from so-called ‘cruel and unusual’ punishments and other such values explain the wordly successes of the non-Muslims. They see Islam as signifying a set of values inimical to, for example, liberal democracy- in a word, they see Islam as the reason for the problems of the ummah. When people reach this judgement, which, in reality, is no more than the logical conclusion of a feeling of inferiority vis-a-vis the non-Muslims, they leave their religion.
I have read tens, and possibly hundreds of ‘apostasy stories’ from invariably ignorant ex-Muslims, and I wasn’t surprised to find that perhaps 95% of them left their religion for the following reason: Islamic and ‘Western’ values disagree with each other profoundly. Beliefs such as absolute ‘freedom of speech’, liberal democracy and legal equality between all simply cannot be reconciled with Islam. These are just a few examples.
‘Legal equality between all’ is quite a nebulous concept, so I’m going to qualify my statement. Under Islamic law, the dhimmi is not equal to the Muslim, just as they can never be equal spiritually. If the Muslim were to sin his entire life, and the kafir were to live a decent life even by our standards, his deeds would be all in vain. Tawhid would be enough to redeem the most sinful Muslim, and good deeds can never redeem a kafir, except perhaps by lightening his punishment in the Hereafter.
Many times, we engage in messages that reeks of ‘apologetics’- which are the province of the weak-minded, the uncritical, the followers of (un- or anti-Islamic) received ‘wisdoms’. What does she even mean by ‘superior’? Surely the fact that God sent them down is sufficient.
‘Western’ secular law, without doubt, gives women (and individuals generally) ‘rights’ which Islam denies them. They do not have ‘freedom of movement’, in the sense that they must ask their husband’s permission before travelling. They do not have the ‘right’ to leave the house uncovered, or to drink, or to fornicate. Islam does not give women the ‘right’ to deny their husbands sex, without valid reasons. ‘Valid’ reasons are limited to issues such as health problems, or periods and the like.
Sr Ruth goes so far as to tell us that scholars have no right to comment on the issue. Rather than remaining open-minded, or considering that there is a possibility that her opponent may be right, she denies outright any other answer- not because the Qur’an is explicit on the issue (which it is not, rather, it is something present in the sunnah and the larger corpus of Islamic scholarship)- but because some unthinking parent told her, and because an unthinking society told her, and an unthinking educational system told her…that xyz is simply wrong.
So strong is this instinct in her (though it is far from innate, as we have discussed) that her immediate reaction is visceral, unconsidered and dangerously-worded. To think that she got something right, not only in exclusion to, but in opposition to, the ummah- without even caring what that ummah (i.e. its scholars) thinks, is ridiculous.
Muslim Matters should be, above all things, a ‘forum’ (not in the literal sense) for the critical discussion of ideas and ideologies and governments etc. Mouse made an excellent point with her article on adolescence (although she may not have realised exactly how excellent :) ).
When it comes to issues that require knowledge of fiqh, the learned of this site (and not outsiders) should speak, and everyone should shut up and stop their clamour from drowning out the wisdom of our scholars.
qwerty
August 3, 2007 at 7:42 PM
Before i begin, let me say that in this story of my own descent into sin, i blame no one but myself. I will deliberately be vague in some of what i say so that no one finds out who i am. And oh yes, some of you know who i am. But you don’t really know who i am.
I am a brother between 25 and 30 with my own family who i love very much and I’ve been practising for many years.
I fell into the fitnah when i was in my teens. I don’t want to go into the details, but soon after i was introduced to pornography, i was hooked on it. What fanned the flames of desire was access to the internet. When i was new to the sin, i would never have dared to buy a dirty mag from the local store out of a sense of shame and embarrassment. But the internet made everything accessible to me, and i could see what i wanted and when i wanted, all in the privacy of my own home.
Another problem was that my family resisted when i suggested that i marry in my early 20s. Thus, the absence of a halal outlet for this desire is another factor that has brought me to where i am now.
Have you heard the story of Barseesah? Imam Anwar al-Awlaqi mentions it in one of his CD sets. He was a famous worshipper from Bani Israeel, who was led astray step by step by Shaitaan until his last action was to leave the religion. In some ways, my own story over the past 10 years mirrors that. My addiction began as something small, but step by step over 10 years, it has transformed into something which is at times uncontrollable.
The first time i used a credit card on a porn site was after several years of being addicted to porn. It was like i’d crossed a threshold, stepped over an important line. And unfortunately, having crossed that line, i haven’t looked back and have used the card numerous times since. And that is how it is with this sin. You promise yourself for a long time that you won’t cross a certain line, but then you do, and it becomes easy to repeat that sin again. But having crossed that line only once advances you to the next level of sinfulness. So you’re first mistake is looking at a woman lustfully. Then its looking at free porn sites, then its looking at pay porn sites, and so on.
My advice to those who are in the early steps of this sin is to never give into the temptation to “go to the next level.” If you admire pretty girls, thats bad, but not as bad as searching for porn on the web. Its a slippery slope that ends with you in a place where a Muslim shouldn’t be.
So why haven’t i sought help? Dear reader, what haven’t i tried to give up this addiction? Reciting Qur’an, going to talks, activism, du’a, all of that and more. I’ve prayed those prayers in the middle of the night when i thought to myself, “man, i wish i could pray with that much khushoo’ in every salaah” and i made salaam and thought i’d never return to that sin, but then a week, or two weeks later, i was back at it.
But let this next event sum it up for you: me standing in Mecca asking Allah to help me stop committing this sin, asking Allah to kind of like flick off a switch and just bring it to a stop, because i am mentally fatigued by the daily battle inside me between my shameful desires and my Muslim conscience, and i just want it to stop but its proving too difficult right now.
Knowing that i am a practising Muslim, knowing that there is a day in which i will have to stand in front of Allah and take the rap for these sins, and not having a single plausible excuse come to my mind which i can bring on that day is a horrible feeling.
It feels sickening trying to make tawba for this sin, because while asking Allah to forgive me, i felt within myself (and from knowledge of past relapses) that I haven’t really given it up and would fall into it again. That is difficult to come to terms with. Really difficult.
And also the guilt that comes from leading a double-life and betraying one’s spouse.
This is not how i wanted to be. I’ve seen my early zeal to learn and practise, and potential to be a productive member of this ummah fade over the years as i spent my time – hours and hours in front of the computer getting up to no good.
Some say its due to a lack of imaan, and I agree that it is, but its more complex then that. During these years in which i have sinned I have also memorised 10 juz of the Qur’an: that didn’t come easily, nor without determination, and i would bet that is more than most people who are reading this.
I don’t know if that makes me a “better” porn addict than the next porn addict. But i’m certainly with those who are unhappy and want out as opposed to those who just don’t give a damn.
As to solutions, i don’t know. I personally think that it is nigh-on impossible to give it up here in the West once you’re addicted because sex and pretty women are all around you, on the TV, in the streets, at work – everywhere. Sisters, your husbands go to work and there are pretty women all around. Don’t let it be the case too often that he comes homes to find you wearing some lame tracksuit bottoms and a T-shirt – or worse your pyjamas.
What about taking another wife? I wouldn’t dismiss that as quickly as some do. What pornography offers is variety: black, white, fat, thin, tall, short, all sorts. Perhaps having a second wife might satisfy a brother’s need for variety. Perhaps not – i can’t say for sure.
What else works? Its a day to day struggle. One day its an ayah, another day its a hadith. Another day its a talk. Another day its because you met a good brother. Sometimes the boost in imaan from these things keeps you off the sin for a month, other times, only a few days.
The most helpful solution overall i found was going cold turkey with the internet: cutting it off completely. It severely restricted my access to pornography, and though the addiction didn’t cut off completely, it was definitely a practical step in the right direction.
Thats all i have to say for now. I hope you will respond maturely to my post , and if you can make a quiet du’a for Allah to switch off my addiction just as quickly as the light goes off when you flick the switch i would be most grateful :)
H
August 3, 2007 at 7:51 PM
May Allah remove your addiction and forgive you… For now Br. Qwerty, this may help, at least for hope:
Constant Sins & Repentence: Pearls from the Sunnah (#1)
The Wahhabi Misanthrope
August 3, 2007 at 8:06 PM
Anonymity is a blessing.
Qwerty, I feel your pain. In fact, I do more than that, since I have the right to empathise- as someone who has the same problems, only far worse. I am the same as you, bar a few incidental details.
You see, your problems aren’t compunded by a lack of regret- as mine are. It’s not so much a case of knowing what I am doing is wrong, as of my resistance to that sin being completely destroyed.
What is shame? Is it shame that we commit the deed, or shame that we are caught, or that we ‘know’ it to be a sin, deep down?
Is the fact that I’m not guilty of zina a testament to my piety, or merely the result of circumstance? Is it that I fear Allah, or that I’m shy around women?
I have trodden the same damnable path, step by step, that you have traversed; the likenesses between my and your journey are remarkable.
Only, you have memorised from your Lord’s book, you have remained (relatively) steadfast- for you, coping is merely a daily struggle. You should thank God that you have not resigned yourself to defeat, and Hellfire, as have I. You’re married- I have no such prospects, not within the forseeable future.
You think you have prayed hard? Then reflect on those who have abandoned prayer.
You think that you have struggled? Then what of those who have no refuge, except in misanthropy?
You think you lead a double life? Then praise God you’re not one of those who not only leads one, but has had such thoughts as would shatter the will of most, and as have certainly destroyed the will of me. Thoughts so unspeakable that, he daren’t speak them here- in a word, do not think there is a terrible thing except that I have thought it.
An addiction to pronography? A mere trifle. A superficial problem to be resolved with support and love and repentance. Nothing like my problems- and don’t imagine I say that to belittle yours.
The Wahhabi Misanthrope
August 3, 2007 at 8:14 PM
Ruth and Mouse, and the numerous others who I’ve trodden on the toes of:
Why do I write this? Because I am as sick of myself as you are of me. I can’t control myself. I’m arrogant, prurient, mean-spirited, misanthropic…please, please don’t take seriously anything insulting I tell you. Please forgive me, since I am cursed enough without your curses. Please, try and tolerate me if that is possible- be better than me. I know I’ve hurt so many people here, but please forgive me.
sabestian
June 15, 2009 at 4:25 AM
No wonder why you are not married and I believe there is hikmah in it. I would understand why the sisters are offended by you statements of insensitivity you show towards their self-respect and individual worth. By telling someone that husband has full authority to force them into an act which is immensely emotional for females, is like saying you are only a piece of meat and worthless.
I cannot give you daleel from Islamic references as I am only a new student of Islam. But like I was always a Muslim and worshiped only one God, even before I found out about deen Islam, I believe that Islam cannot be so insensitive towards female rights when it gives importance to even the rights of animals to protect them from abuse, the Creator cannot ignore womankind, humankind on such serious matter.
And only Allah knows best.
Basil
July 6, 2009 at 10:27 AM
La hawla wa la quwata illa billah. You have lost his point entirely and have pounced on him, why would you do this to a fellow muslim?
qwerty
August 3, 2007 at 8:20 PM
There is one thing that i forgot to say right at the end and that was to mention the one thing that keeps the struggle within me alive:
“Say: “O my Servants who have transgressed against their souls! Despair not of the Mercy of Allah: for Allah forgives all sins” [39:53]
The Wahhabi Misanthrope
August 3, 2007 at 8:21 PM
I do despair of His mercy.
Amad
August 3, 2007 at 11:22 PM
salam Br. Qwerty:
I was really touched by your story. SubhanAllah, to be honest you sound like a true HUMAN believer… someone who keeps falling in sin, yet keeps doing the good deeds to balance the evil, and hoping in Allah’s Mercy. Really, knowing my own sins, I wish I had your resilience in many ways. May Allah permanently erase your addiction and forgive you and forgive us for all our sins.
You mentioned:
As I read this, a light bulb popped… you may know that there is an activity logger software. We have installed this for our little kids. See this.
One thing a person in a similar position as yours may want to do, to “force” the issue on himself (kind of like what you mentioned) i.e. install this software… with cooperation from the wife, and have her set the password. This way, everything is logged and if the person is hiding this from the wife and doesn’t want to mess up that relationship, then it will provide a big deterrent if the wife can track the internet activity. This program actually works quite well and tracks everything, incl. taking snapshots (I recommend this for parents as well— its free to try).
Another thing someone mentioned is to have the computer in a “open area”. Like my uncle has all the computers set up in the living room, in clear view of anyone passing. Still, if the wife’s gone, the Shaytan will play… so the logging software may watch.
What do you think? Others?
AnonyMouse
August 3, 2007 at 11:46 PM
WM, may Allah grant you strength, patience, and the best of cures for whatever plagues you… may He forgive us all, ameen.
Yasir Qadhi
August 4, 2007 at 12:37 AM
Salaam Alaikum
Some points:
1) Regarding Qwerty’s situation, it reminded me of a fatwa I read from a great modern alim – someone whom I know personally very well and greatly admire. He was asked about a similar situation (person addicted to porn and masturbation). His response – I only wish I could find the original Arabic – almost moved me to tears. He started off with the basic advice of informing him that this was a sin and he should desist from it, and continually repent to Allah. So far it was standard. But then he continued on. He said that this sin, despite its evil nature, is not a major sin in and of itself (for example like actual zina), and as long as one repented and felt guilty it would not come under the rule ‘a habitual minor sin becomes a major sin’. Then he said – and this was the most beautiful point – ‘And make sure that Shaytan does not use this sin to prevent you from being of benefit to the Ummah in other ways, for this would be a greater victory for Shaytan than the actual sin you are committing’. Meaning that the sin is a problem, but then sitting down in your house, despairing, and becoming totally useless to the Ummah is an even greater problem! So feel guilty for your sin, but use that guilt to make sure you generate more good deeds in order to make it up. Which leads me to my second point.
2) Qwerty, and those in your boat, make sure you have more than the ‘average’ good deeds to show. Pray some extra nafls regularly, read Quran (and memorize, as you were doing), do dhikr… when in sajdah prolong it for that short extra time, realizing you need those blessings. During wudhu, perfect it and realize that for every drop of water that falls down a sin is removed. Saying isighfar, and especially the ‘sayyid al-istighfar’ regularly, meaning what you say.
And indeed it is possible, if you do all this and more, that you will rise higher *because* of your sin, since it led you to higher heights. Again this is not a justification of the sin, but rather a ray of hope for the sinner that not all is lost. No human is sinless, and what you are doing is a (minor) sin, hence use it to be a better Muslim, and make du’aa to al-Rahman that He forgives you, and to al-Sitteer that He covers up and conceals it from otheres.
3) MW, your last comment – I swear by Allah – made my heart tremble and hair stand on end. Do you realize what you have just said? By Allah this one statement of yours is worse than any sin you could have done, so repent for it. Do you think that you, and you alone, can be so sinful that Allah’s mercy cannot encompass you? That you have so much ‘power’ to commit sins that the infinite mercy of Allah is powerless when faced with it?!
Understand the implications of what you say and repent for this one statement, before you repent from the lesser sins that you say you have done. For indeed a hadeeth tells us that ‘The greatest of all major sins is shirk with Allah, and despairing of the mercy of Allah, and losing hope of the help of Allah.’ See how the Rasool (saw) equated giving up hope in Allah and His Mercy with shirk.
Indeed, Allah forgives all sins….for He is al-Ghafoor, al-Ghafaar, al-Raheem, al-Rahman, al-Tawwaab, al-Haleem, and al-Afuw. He is forgiving and loves to forgive.
O Allah, forgive us all for our shortcomings, and conceal our faults from others, and cover us up with your mercy, Ameen!
Yasir
Muslim
August 4, 2007 at 12:46 AM
To Qwerty and WM, I think it has reached the level of HARAM for you guys to have private access to the internet. Break your computers if you have to, move to another country, do something. Just like the hadith of the man who killed 100 people, he was told to move to a different land, and the Angels of Mercy took his soul because he was closer to that land.
If a someone wants to quit smoking, will they keep a pack of cigarettes in their pocket?
Here’s my advice, get rid of the internet. If you need to check your e-mail or something go to a public library. Sure it will be tough, but not nearly as tough as the anger of Allah on the Day Of Judgement.
May Allah guide us all.
Allah knows best.
Shama
August 4, 2007 at 6:28 AM
“Do you think that you, and you alone, can be so sinful that Allah’s mercy cannot encompass you? That you have so much ‘power’ to commit sins that the infinite mercy of Allah is powerless when faced with it?!”
This moved me to tears. The entire post by shaykh Yasir Qadhi was so beautiful subhanAllah. May Allah subhanahu wa ta’ala make it easy for all of us
aarij
August 4, 2007 at 9:39 AM
Shaikh Yasir :) Your post reminded me of the “Oh Allah! Forgive me lecture” :)
Subhan Allah my bros, I think a lot of us Muslims youth are in these situations. I don’t want to uncover my sins…I want the sitar of AlSitteer…but one of the things that really helps me control my sins is the following:
Ya ayyuhal ladhina amanu tooboo illalallahi tawbatan nasooha
O you people who believe (us!!!), repent to Allah with a sincere/true repentance (tawbatan nasooha).
What is a sincere repentance?
1. Ikhlaas – gotta have sincerity. Repenting to Allah for the sake of Allah, not because we are caught in the act.
2. Admit the sin – don’t ignore, trivialize or at worst, justify the sin. Admitting there is a problem is the first step to solving it.
3. Feeling guilty – “Feeling guilty IS tawbah” AlMustafa, salAllaho alaihi wa sallam.
4. Immediate tawbah – just like Adam (AS). This is very hard because many-a-times, after committing the sin, we feel so guilty and disgusted with ourselves that we feel ashamed to do tawbah = exactly what shaitaan wants – to delay us and our tawbah. Therefore, the solution is to do tawbah immediately.
5. Increase in the good deeds – hasanat wipes away sins.
6. Intend to stop the sin – make a true, sincere intention and strong resolve to never return to the sin.
If you do slip back, start over from step 1 until this step is actualized. Doesn’t matter how many times the slip happens…1000, 10000, a million, a billion times. Just keep going back to step 1 if you do fall in the sin.
If this seems like an infinite loop, then its a plot of shaitaan to make you think this way. Only Allah’s Mercy is infinite :)
Subhan Allah, this is the BIGGEST step for me right now. Every time I think of committing a dreaded sin that has haunted me for years, I ask myself: “So what happened to your tawbatan nasooha? Didn’t you promise Allah that you’re not going to go back to the sin?” And then, walhamdulillah, I desist.
7. Not publicize – What this means is not to boast about your sin, and to not even mention it in public out of a desire for Allah’s sitar. Because all of RasoolAllah’s (SAWS) ummah will be forgiven except those who publicize their sins.
Unless, of course, you have repented and talking about the sin brings about the benefit of bringing others away from it.
8. Restore rights of others, if applicable.
The point of mentioning all of this (and for most, it may be very redundant, but whatev! :) is that for me, personally, I have asked Allah to forgive me because I’ve done the tawbah that is sincere…now, I continually evaluate myself on these conditions…whenever I see that I’m about to break any of these conditions, I know that my repentance is not sincere. And this way, in sha Allah ta’ala…slowly but surely…we can win against Shaitaan :)
WAllahu alim, but I think Allah would love us for the fact that we are continually striving. May He makes us of those elite whose bad deeds will be transformed to good deeds on the day of Judgment and they will WISH (!) that they had done more bad deeds, ameen.
ahmed
August 4, 2007 at 9:44 AM
“And ask forgiveness for your sin…” (47:19)
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“And seek the forgiveness of Allah. Certainly, Allah is Ever Oft-Forgiving, Most Merciful.” (4:106)
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“And declare the freedom of your Rubb from imperfection beginning with His praise, and ask His forgiveness. Verily, He is the One Who accepts the repentance and Who forgives.” (110:3)
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“And whoever does evil or wrongs himself but afterwards seeks Allah’s forgiveness, he will find Allah Oft-Forgiving, Most Merciful.” (4:110)
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“And those who, when they have committed Fahishah (illegal sexual intercourse) or wronged themselves with evil, remember Allah and ask forgiveness for their sins; – and none can forgive sins but Allah – and do not persist in what (wrong) they have done, while they know.” (3:135)
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Abu Hurairah (May Allah be pleased with him) said: The Messenger of Allah (PBUH) said, “By the One in Whose Hand my soul is! If you do not commit sins, Allah would replace you with a people who would commit sins and seek forgiveness from Allah; and Allah will certainly forgive them.”
[Muslim].
==================================
“The best supplication for seeking forgiveness (Syed-ul-Istighfar) is to say: `Allahumma Anta Rabbi, la ilaha illa Anta, khalaqtani wa ana `abduka, wa ana `ala `ahdika wa wa`dika mastata`tu, a`udhu bika min sharri ma sana`tu, abu’u laka bini`matika `alayya, wa abu’u bidhanbi faghfir li, fa innahu la yaghfirudh-dhunuba illa Anta. (O Allah! You are my Rubb. There is no true god except You. You have created me, and I am Your slave, and I hold to Your Covenant as far as I can. I seek refuge in You from the evil of what I have done. I acknowledge the favours that You have bestowed upon me, and I confess my sins. Pardon me, for none but You has the power to pardon).’ He who supplicates in these terms during the day with firm belief in it and dies on the same day (before the evening), he will be one of the dwellers of Jannah; and if anyone supplicates in these terms during the night with firm belief in it and dies before the morning, he will be one of the dwellers of Jannah.”
[Al-Bukhari].
==================================
Anas (May Allah be pleased with him) said: I heard the Messenger of Allah (PBUH) saying, “Allah, the Exalted, has said: `O son of Adam! I shall go on forgiving you so long as you pray to Me and aspire for My forgiveness whatever may be your sins. O son of Adam! I do not care even if your sins should pile up to the sky and should you beg pardon of Me, I would forgive you. O son of Adam! If you come to Me with an earthful of sins and meet Me, not associating anything with Me in worship, I will certainly grant you as much pardon as will fill the earth.”’
[At-Tirmidhi].
Dawud
August 4, 2007 at 11:05 AM
May Allah help those who can’t help themselves. Ameen.
OK well could qwerty and WM continue posting here so we can learn from there situation, track their progress and use that to help others in similar situations?
“No one DESPAIRS of Allah’s mercy except a people who DISBELIEVES.” [Sûrah Yûsuf: 87]
Yeah, qwerty and WM stop wallowing in sadness over this stuff. There are far worse situations to be in. qwerty you are married and probably the head of your household, so you should move!
For every time you sin, pray at least 2 rakaah nawafil, immediately after sinning. Even if you don’t feel guilty, make it a habit. Now you have support and that sinning will, oddly enough, push you closer to Allah SWT. I guess that’s why we sin–so Allah can bring us closer to Him.
And I hate to say it, but this sort of addiction is almost to the point that you have taken another god besides Allah. Not good. Nuh uh!
When you are sinning, turn away from the screen, be still and know that you could die at that moment and that yes, hellfire is where you would be if that happens. This thought never gets old. Bring it back to mind as often as you can. People try and mentally overcome this thought before they commit a sin, just to make themselves feel OK and then they do the sin. And then they think later “Oh that thought didn’t work on me,” when really they didn’t want it to work on them, in the first place. So keep bringing it back to mind, even while sinning and Insha Allah it will steer you away.
“So why haven’t i sought help? Dear reader, what haven’t i tried to give up this addiction? Reciting Qur’an, going to talks, activism, du’a, all of that and more. I’ve prayed those prayers in the middle of the night when i thought to myself, “man, i wish i could pray with that much khushoo’ in every salaah” and i made salaam and thought i’d never return to that sin, but then a week, or two weeks later, i was back at it.”
So it DID work. You did make progress, masha Allah! Just keep at it. This is what you call jihad! Also people have preferences for certain good deeds they love more than others, focus on the one you love–even if it may seem trivial.
No one mentioned fasting so far. Fasting works wonders–all you gotta do is get started! Insha Allah the weakness you have while fasting, will cause you to get headaches when you are on the computer, thus driving you away! :)
You gotta fast daily and not over eat later, because over-eating/drinking apparently increases your sexual appetite. FAST!
Dawud
August 4, 2007 at 11:54 AM
“Actually, Br. Dawud, this is EXACTLY NOT theoretical. Rather, this is practical. You and others are providing practical steps to the “silent victims or aggressors” in this issues. Discussion in itself is the first step towards solution, and since these are matters of the soul, it has to come from within…”
I agree. What I meant was that so far we have only been discussing (theoritical) and compare that to what has been put into action collectively from here. MM is about ‘Intellectual Traditions, Political Situation, and Social Ethics of Muslim Life’ so I think a big part is what can be done as a group to solve this problem, rather than the usual naseeha giving (not to downplay it’s importance).
In short: What can WE do to help our brothers who have fallen in sin? How can we come between them and sin?
That I think is the most relevant question.
Abu Muhammad
August 4, 2007 at 12:17 PM
I wrote this for you brothers WM and qwerty as I have time for people like you. May Allah help you always.
Ustadh Yasir Qadhi has certainly helped to balance the issue out. Barak Allahu feek.
A person giving up hope is disastrous to say the least but not uncommon. I’ve seen on occasion, other brothers breakdown in front of me into wailing and tears saying that Allah would never forgive them.
There is one issue that I have noticed with brothers who have this problem. They are split in two, inside and it hurts them. Being more religious than the average person yet a great sinner in the mirror.
There is an internal struggle going on. A Jihad of the nafs.
On one hand the nafs censures itself. “Oh you sinner, return to Allah”. On the other hand there is a trap of iblees.
Iblees knows that the soul wishes to repent. So he lays a trap at every door of repentance: “Allah will never forgive you. This is a sin you keep repeating. Leave off dawah, you are too dirty for ibadah.”
It is a trap of iblees designed to destroy the nafs that is in a state of muhasabah (self assessment?).
So to begin with as both of you have mentioned that you do hate what you are doing and that you have tried to stop using various means. So understand that when you do this then the soul is in a state of Jihad. And at times this internal struggle can be greater than that fought with a sword.
The nature of the sin is addiction, therefore continuity. And as Ustadh Yasir has explained that a minor sin done continuously can become major. So the habit must be broken.
Let’s say you stopped for a while and then you started again. Don’t let that make you give up trying. In fact stopping for a while shows that you can stop totally, eventually.
Many people in this discussion have mentioned Islamic means for rectification. And I have no need to mention those, as you must have tried them yourselves. So do not stop them now. In fact the help of Allah is required now more than ever.
IMHO this is an addiction and needs treatment. As with other addictions it can wreak havoc on your life and relationships. We all know the spiritual effects. But I bet you brothers have other problems with work, family etc.
Now I’m going to show you a method to break the habit for ever insha Allah.
First understand the problem (this is all common knowledge is psychology, it’s not voodoo!):
When you do something that gives you a reward it releases chemicals in your brain.
So when you eat, exercise or have sex, then certain chemicals are released inside the brain. This is the reward process of the brain to keep you eating, healthy and procreating etc.
One chemical is dopamine. This reinforces the pleasure each time. In other types of addiction more drugs (higher doses) are required each time to achieve a similar level of pleasure/feeling. This is what is referred to as tolerance.
Now when you watch porn I bet that over time you had to start watching different types of porn to get the same ‘feeling’. You build up a numbness or tolerance as we call it. This is what led you to use your credit cards.
Some pharma companies are developing a drug to stop this process (for heroin addicts), but we all know where that leads to. Continuous treatments so that they can make money.
What you need to do is to replace the pleasure with a greater pleasure. As Imam Ibn Qayyim Al Jawziyyah once wrote about the gaze:
“The pleasure received in not looking is greater than the pleasure received in looking.”
Brother Dawud mentioned in his post that:
“Muhammad AlShareef mentions in his CD lecture, “When Wolves becomes Shepherds” that when some action is committed–a new pathway is made in the brain. Based on that theory, if we can strengthen an Islamic pathway (i.e. Dawah)–it will weaken or make on forget the pornographic pathway.”
Unfortunately your other ‘porn pathway’ is probably well developed and traversed by now.
In actual fact you need to change the pathway itself. In fact the best thing would be to go to Muhammad AlShareef as he is an NLP practitioner and should be able to help you immediately. Or to remain anonymous you could go to a non-Muslim one. But you nee to find a reputable one near you.
I’ll provide a method here that is used by NLP people. Try and use it yourself. It is very possible to make this work, I’ve tried it with phobias and other stuff. Make sure you have confidence in the method and try it out properly. If it doesn’t work then go to an NLP practitioner.
What you need to do is use a method called anchoring, where you tie certain emotions and feelings with certain actions or triggers. This is not some voodoo. It is a psychological method used by business people all around the world for many different purposes.
First read around it so that you get an idea of what you’re about to do:
http://www.nlp-now.co.uk/nlp_swish.htm
http://www.nlpweekly.com/?p=582
Once you have an idea about the concept then try the method on the following link, it is specifically porn orientated:
link
(Also ignore their comments at the start about occasional porn watching being o.k., that’s because they don’t know it’s haram!)
This method has been tested on people and does work very well. Make sure you read it a few times and understand it well before you start.
Anyhow nothing will work without the help of Allah. So make taubah first then make dua and ask for Allahs help.
Amad
August 4, 2007 at 3:12 PM
Abu Muhammad, EXCELLENT… you are doing exactly what Dawud was talking about.
and JazakAllahkhair Sh. YQ for the great advice…
I hope we will be able, all of us collectively, ourselves and our other brothers and sisters.
wasalamalaikum…
P.S. Br. Qwerty, keep us posted as to what you think of these ideas and comments.
Pingback: Only PUNKS do marital rape (Sex and the Muslims Part 1) « Umar Lee
Dawud
August 4, 2007 at 6:30 PM
Masha Allah great advice Abu Muhammad! May Allah allow us to benefit from it. Ameen!
You know what’s nice? I was just thinking how I can learn all this NLP stuff, whether it works or not and whether Muslims have used this fisabilillah.
I just got my answer. Subhana Allah!
Abu Muhammad, can you recommend some other NLP books, videos, learning material?
Umm Layth
August 4, 2007 at 6:36 PM
as-Salaamu `alaykum
One of the rights of a believer is that when he comes to you seeking advice, you give it to him. However, such advice must be sound and not hypocritical, even if one chooses to give it out of their own will. I’ve actually learned this the hard way, and still in the process of learning. What I get from the responses is dryness; words with so much meaning, yet empty. It’s hard for me to put into words, maybe because I’ve not slept the whole night, but I just didn’t see how such advice would actually hit me hard if I was in this type of state. This may be part of my own problems with my nafs, but… I don’t know.
I remember a time when I used to tell people to seek istighfar, pray nawaafil, get up for tahajjud – and when others would advise me the same to fix my problems. In a way it is the solution, but in a way it is not. I mean… how do you make yourself do these things? And how do you make yourself mean it? One may say that you attain this by working on the intention. But how do you work on your intention? How do you attain a level of sincerity that is needed for shaytan not to touch you? One always says that the Qur’an is the solution, and it is. But how do you make it your own solution? How do we make ourselves turn to Allah and actually feel we have a relationship with Him? It’s not that easy, at all.
We get so caught up thinking that asking forgiveness is simple, that we actually end up sounding like those who believe a man died for their sins and no matter what they do, they are forgiven. Yes, Allah forgives all sins, but a believer doesn’t sit there and expect his sins to be overlooked. Instead, he strives and fights his own whims, shaytan, and anyone who tries to discourage him. He constantly strives, throughout the day, to rid himself of these things. He tries his hardest to give meaning to everything he utters, so that he doesn’t utter words that are simply meaningless to his soul.
Each one of us may have the want to change. We may, in fact, believe we are being sincere when we tear up in our sujood and ask Allah to help us, and we may be sincere – but the sincerity that helps us change our lives around, without constantly committing the same mistakes, is on a totally different level; one very hard to attain. There are so many steps towards change, not just one. It requires abandoning anything that blocks the path to what we seek. It requires being in the company of those who will offer us the encouragement we need to change. It means finding good company and leaving the bad. It means that we humiliate our own selves in front of ourselves; that we no longer care what others think of us because we just want to care what Allah thinks; and that we humiliate ourselves in front of Allah.
We can admit to ourselves and to others even while admitting who we really are, that we are sinners and evildoers, but this has to be done – sincerely – in front of Allah. And everyone says it is so easy, but for a lot of us it is not. Sometimes we think Allah will forgive us so easily, that it may lead us to this situation; one of desperation. We start to fall into sin so much easier because we forget to be aware, and harder it becomes to get out of such a state.
Honestly, when a person is about to destroy their soul, who cares if they are offering the ummah help or not. What help can they offer when their souls are unaware of Allah? I look back at my life since I accepted Islam, and a lot of times I’ve tried to be ‘active’, offer change, but I found myself so utterly lost – that instead of benefiting myself, I actually harmed myself even more than I could imagine possible.
Each one of us needs to find a way to come to Allah. We need guides. We seek help from doctors when we are sick, we seek help from the fuqahaa to learn to how to pray, but we fail with our hearts. Training our soul is the hardest aspect of all. Arrogance, for example, can not exist in a person if they want jannah. Arrogance is an action of the heart. It takes very serious training as it involves breaking the nafs. What these brothers need, and what we all need – because every one of us has something we struggle with, even worse maybe – is to break our nafs. We need to come to the realization (not one of pure say) that we are worthless beings in need of Allah, Most High. Yes, we are Muslims, but that doesn’t mean we aren’t worthless. We need Allah, and Allah does not need us. At any given time, Allah could replace us, so we need to really think about that.
`Umar, Allah have mercy on him, used to say that if one person out of 1,000 was not to enter jannah, he would consider himself that one. Look at your children/those you love the most and try not to tear up when you imagine that they are that one and then ask yourself how you expect to lead/benefit them, so as not to be that one, when you don’t really believe you may be that one yourself. The proof of this is our constant disobedience. We may not be perfect ever, but you know, we try. Not by words but by deeds.
Also, dhikr is life. Dhikr is not just words that we say with our tongue and say 100 times in one minute. Dhikr is what quenches the thirst of our hearts, and without it, we will eventually die. I admit that one point in time I used to go around telling people to do dhikr, but I didn’t know what it actually meant. I can just say that dhikr is so much more than what we think. Dhikr is what makes live worth living. It’s our connection with Allah. Without it, we have nothing. We simply get lost in a world of delusions and continue falling and falling, until we can’t get up.
Dhikr is the solution to our problems, along with admitting the lowliness of ourselves. It’s a struggle, but if we have to pretend, we pretend. It must become a habit. At the same time we need to fill our time, because idle time is a big fitnah. We need to watch the sins of our tongue every day, and try our best to become aware of every evil we utter so that we can stop uttering it.
Amazing is that my cousin, masha’Allaah, just accepted Islaam a few weeks ago. Yesterday, after I have been giving her naseeha for so long, she decided to give me some! It shocked me, but the girl was so sure of herself, and it hit me pretty hard. She told me to remove any type of feeling that is garbage for my heart that may be present when I pray to Allah. She asked me – How can you pray to Allah, knowing, that you have a lot of black within your heart? How can you hold grudges against people and still mention Allah’s name in your salah, when you aren’t fully giving yourself to Him. I’m not over her words. How dare we think we are ‘good’ at all? How dare we utter His Name with black hearts? Pebbles build mountains, and thinking that such and such sin is small is a sin itself. How could it not be? Our greatest deeds may not be accepted, and here we are thinking our disobedience is not that bad. No wonder we are in the state we are in.
We all need to sit down in a secluded area, ask Allah for forgiveness and think of our sins as we utter it, every time. We need to break ourselves, and it may take time, but it must be done. We need guides, so let us find them! Ask Allah and He will help you. But do whatever it may take to rid yourself of these evils, even if at first it may seem like you are struggling against forces which seem impossible to defeat. DO NOT LOSE HOPE. Once you lose hope, you are going to drown.
You guys are in my ad’iyah, seriously. But remember that you aren’t the only ones being tested. Allah is our life, so let us not lose Him. The more you try, the more effort you put in to coming closer to Him – the closer He will come to you. I’ve been in your shoes of desperation, am not out of it fully, but this works. It really works. When I find myself depressed, feeling like I am drowning in my own sins, I grab my masbaha and force myself to sit down and remember Him. I get up later, and I feel like the dunya no longer matters. It’s my medicine, and it can be yours. But make it yours, or it will be like rumi stated when he said, ‘are you going to admire the jug or are you actually going to drink the water?’
May Allah aid us all and make Allah OUR LIFE.
Abu Someone
August 4, 2007 at 10:29 PM
Umm Layth I hope Allah makes it easy for you.
Make some dua for me too please. There’s always someone in a lower condition than you.
ibnabeeomar
August 5, 2007 at 2:21 AM
hassan – i think you’re taking something thats complex and multi-faceted and trying to turn it into a black and white only issue.
ibnabeeomar
August 5, 2007 at 2:27 AM
wow jazakAllahu khayr to qwerty and shaykh yasir for their comments!!
i especially enjoyed the part about not letting yourself get down because of a sin and not contributing to the ummah. this is something applicable to every sin. that one comment really gave me an ’emanrush’ in regards to making istighfaar!
qwerty – subhanAllah, what can i say? your story really affected me. may Allah (swt) give you the strength to abandon this sin, and overcome your desires, and cover it for you on yawm ul-qiyamah and accept your repentance and give you jannatul firdows!
i really hope your story and sh. yasir’s comments can serve as an inspiration as there are no doubt many people who have fallen into this.
subhanAllah this one post has really made me happy about muslimmatters – alhamdulillah – as we are able to tackle a problem, make people aware of it, and see solutions to the problem insha’Allah!
nuqtah
August 5, 2007 at 4:13 AM
: (
ali
August 5, 2007 at 11:01 AM
I think the problem is more with the husbands who are more cultured, what i mean is the husbands who were in jaheliya before and have experianced intamacy before marriage know about how to like treat woman a bit better because i mean dont get me wrong its strictley haram and may allah forgive us for those acts we did im just saying that a brother who lets say has been practesing from day1 probabley wouldnt have experianced woman wether phyisically or mentally so those brothers need alot more education.
The Wahhabi Misanthrope
August 5, 2007 at 11:57 AM
Well, the problem with you and your ilk is that you assume that you aren’t equally cultured. And here is the crux: YOU ARE! In fact, people on this site may have bad things to say about indigenous Muslim cultures, but in reality the culture that they imbibe i.e. American- is far, far worse.
Indigenous cultures might tolerate tribalism or misogyny- but American culture is repellent when it comes to many other issues such as complete lack of authority between parent/child, husband/wife, etc.
The Wahhabi Misanthrope
August 5, 2007 at 12:30 PM
The point to understand about culture is that it is so pervasive that it is invisible to all but ‘outsiders’ and those with knowledge of the ‘outside’. ‘Modernity’ has given us unprecedented knowledge of the ‘outside’, hence it engenders a collective cognitive dissonance i.e. within one person (such as Ruth), we find different and competing value systems (Islam, feminism, the values she was raised with etc) vying for dominance.
Our liberation comes when we relinquish all cultural paradigms but the Islamic one.
The Wahhabi Misanthrope
August 5, 2007 at 12:32 PM
Although, I’ll add that culture necessarily exists in human social formations, and therefore that it is impossible to do so…whether it is desirable to do so, therefore, is probably questionable.
AbdulHasib
August 5, 2007 at 7:21 PM
SubhanAllah
Beneficial reads
Insha’aAllah here are some of the things that came to my mind after reading some responses.
– 4 ahadith, that I (personally) count as my HOPE in front Allah ‘azza wa jal
a) the hadith of Anas ibn Malik radyAllahu ‘anh that the Prophet salAllahu ‘alaihee wa sallam said
“By Him in Whose Hand is my soul: If you committed sins to the extent that your sins filled what is between the heavens and the earth, Allah would forgive you after seeking His forgiveness. By Him in Whose hand is Muhammad’s soul, if you did not commit sins, Allah would replace you by other people who would commit sins. Then, Allah forgives them after seeking His forgiveness.” (Musnad of Imaam Ahmed)
b) The LONG hadith of Abu Dharr al-Ghifari radyAllahu ‘anh from the Prophet salAllahu ‘alaihee aw sallam that Allah said:
O My servants, I have forbidden oppression for Myself and have made it forbidden amongst you, so do not oppress one another. O My servants, all of you are astray except for those I have guided, so seek guidance of Me and I shall guide you, O My servants, all of you are hungry except for those I have fed, so seek food of Me and I shall feed you. O My servants, all of you are naked except for those I have clothed, so seek clothing of Me and I shall clothe you. O My servants, you sin by night and by day, and I forgive all sins, so seek forgiveness of Me and I shall forgive you. O My servants, you will not attain harming Me so as to harm Me, and will not attain benefitting Me so as to benefit Me. O My servants, were the first of you and the last of you, the human of you and the jinn of you to be as pious as the most pious heart of any one man of you, that would not increase My kingdom in anything. O My servants, were the first of you and the last of you, the human of you and the jinn of you to be as wicked as the most wicked heart of any one man of you, that would not decrease My kingdom in anything. O My servants, were the first of you and the last of you, the human of you and the jinn of you to rise up in one place and make a request of Me, and were I to give everyone what he requested, that would not decrease what I have, any more that a needle decreases the sea if put into it. O My servants, it is but your deeds that I reckon up for you and then recompense you for, so let him finds good praise Allah and let him who finds other that blame no one but himself.
(Muslim, Tirmidhi and Ibn Majah).
c) The hadith of ibn ‘Abbas radyAllahu ‘anh
the explanation of which was done shaykhuna Yasir hafidhahullah on this very blog: you can find it here: http://muslimmatters.org/2007/04/03/pearls-from-the-sunnah-1/
and d) The hadith of the Prophet salAllahu ‘alaihee wa sallam, that the son of Adam will sin, repent, sin, and repent, sin, and repent.. so much so that shaytaan gives up on him! aw kamaa qaala salAllahu ‘alaihee wa sallam.
and the aya in (NOT so ironically) Surat GHAFIR
Inna la nasru rusulana WAL LADHEENA aamanoo FIL HAYYAATID DUNYA WA yawma yaqumul Ash-Haad
Verily Allah will give VICTORY to his messengers AND those who believe IN THIS LIFE AND on the day when the witnesses will be brought forth.
– The victory is IN this life…and on the day of judgement for ALL to see that YES WE (I) was victorious. They WITNESS to that. How sweet of a day that is – may Allah make us of those who are victorious.
May Allah aleviate the worry of his ‘ibaad, and forgive their sins, raise their rank, and multiply their deeds. Ameen.
WAllahu ‘Alam
ruth nasrullah
August 5, 2007 at 7:44 PM
Asalaamu alaikum, my dear brother Misanthrope. I thank you for your comments regarding me because they enable me to practice my skills in patience.
I just want to clarify something WM said, which is:
“Sr Ruth goes so far as to tell us that scholars have no right to comment on the issue…”
Of course I don’t think that scholars have no “right” or place in commenting on the issue. My intended meaning was that it’s self-evident that a Muslim man cannot commit violence against his wife, and that we don’t need a scholarly opinion to know that. That’s my story and I’m sticking to it, no matter how many assumptions you make about my value system and upbringing.
qwerty
August 5, 2007 at 8:46 PM
One sin leads to another, and this addiction makes you sin in other ways. First and worst of all, is the lying and deceit. I never, ever used to lie before, but after this addiction caught hold, lying became habitual as i concocted story after story to cover my tracks: why was i on the computer for so long last night? why do i need to take baths so often?
And subhanallah, no one is as resourceful as one whose mind has been overcome by the need to satisfy his lusts. Sneaking away to be alone with the computer, altering the computer’s history so that no one could find which sites i had visited or which files i had downloaded. The secret email addresses i set up which no one knew i had but me. Saving files in deep directories where no one would think of finding them. Its embarrassing when i think about it.
But there is also an aspect of absurdity about this whole thing. Over the years i’d made online contacts who had similar “interests” as me. One was a practising brother, we spoke about mutual “interests” but also Islamic things, and qadrullah we made repentance the same day as each other then told each other about it. I deleted the porn saved on my PC and he tells me he did the same. By Allah’s Grace he is still going good, whereas, i have found it more difficult.
Someone mentioned the trauma that the wife goes through knowing of her husband’s sick habit, and i’m telling you that my wife knows about mine. First time she found the pics i completely denied everything, and she believed me. Then she caught me again and eventually i confessed.
She was very upset but eventually accepted my apology. May Allah bless her, she offered to help, and to be there and to listen to me… but the thing is, how does one speak to his wife about this habit? what does one say? it would be humiliating, way too humiliating to sit there face to face and talk about this. No, i think i need to speak to someone who doesn’t know me. It would be a full disaster if i confided this habit to someone I knew and it leaked to the community. One of the greatest blessings upon me in this regard is that Allah gave my wife the patience not to expose me to my family or my friends.
Yet, i’m still addicted.
As to your suggestions, let me tackle some of those that caught my eye:
Sh. Yasir: jazakallahu khair for mentioning this fatwa. Lengthening my prayers and sajdahs is something i have started to do as per your suggestion. And this type of advice is the advice that i need. One of the most frequent thoughts running through my mind is that i’m in a race to balance my scales. I’m in a race to make sure that i have enough good deeds to counter for my sins.
Though, i had a rather depressing thought the other day. I am involved in lots of Islamic activities, but if I were to die today and somehow my good deeds were enough to counterbalance my bad deeds, i would die being equal to a lazy Muslim who never memorised and never did da’wah work, yet didn’t sin in the way i did and so didnt need to do all those good deeds because he didn’t have as many bad deeds to make up for. I hope you follow what i’m saying.
Amad, i couldn’t use the activity logger because then my wife would realise that i am still addicted: she currently believes i’m clean, though i’m sure she has her suspicions.
Umm Layth writes: “Honestly, when a person is about to destroy their soul, who cares if they are offering the ummah help or not. What help can they offer when their souls are unaware of Allah?.”
Please don’t say this. If i wasn’t out there getting involved with the community, i would feel even more depressed. If i can scrounge some hasanat by helping out in da’wah activities, you can bet that i’ll jump at the chance. That is a lifeline for me and therein lies some hope . Those activities bring life to my soul – not destroy it.
All those who have suggested a return to a more spiritual state, dhikr and qiyam – i think this is good advice, and i will try to implement this.
Perhaps counselling is an option. I’ve seen programs on TV of people who undertook counselling to help them cope with their sex addiction.
Amad
August 5, 2007 at 10:28 PM
Akhi Qwerty, did you see Abu Muhammad’s advice on NLP?
If your wife thinks you are “clean”, I actually think this would be the best time to add the logger so you will have a huge deterrent of “messing up” the trust… of course, you know your situation better.
And I totally agree with you on community activity and dawah… they all MATTER on the scale… I remember Jamal Zarabozo said something a long, long time ago that stuck in my mind… When a brother asked him that he felt so sinful to do dawah, JZ told him (& I roughly approximate) that there were 4 aspects of Amr bil Maroof (ordering good) and Nahil Munkar (forbidding evil). To do Amr bil Maroof on yourself and to do it to others, and to do nahil munkar for yourself and for others… One does not preclude the other. He gave the example of a smoker who knows it is wrong. Should he tell the other smoker to quit? Yes, because the other person may not know, and because your own sin should not prevent you from guiding another away from that same sin. Because, he may have more control in that matter than you… So, please do not be discouraged…. wallahualam
Umm Layth
August 5, 2007 at 10:54 PM
Brother qwerty, may Allah forgive you and us, what I mean is not that you should stop being active, (and maybe I misunderstood) but that the solution doesn’t lie there. The solution only lies in going back to Allah, and Him Alone. Really. You have to start from scratch on your heart. You do need to do whatever it takes to remove yourself from such environment.
You continue to lie, and because of your lies you continue to sin in other aspects. You admit it; so stop lying. From this moment on just stop. And I am not trying to tell you that it’s that easy because it is sooo not, but true tawbah means stopping immediately and having a firm intention, right? You know, maybe you should start carrying a piece of paper with you and a pen; everytime that you think you’ve uttered an evil, write it down. At the end of the day, analyze your list and slowly insha’Allah you’ll become aware of your sins. Make tawbah for every one of your sins that day that you are aware of. They say it becomes easier, and I’ve actually noticed a difference. Quite amazing sometimes actually.
Maybe you’ll start to notice at what point of the day you do what you do etc… soon if you continue to try being in a state of awareness, insha’Allah.
Your wife is masha’Allah my hero. And I mean that in the best way possible. To be able to take that as patiently as you say she does, is a rahma for you from Allah. You are a very lucky person brother. May Allah grant you both jannah. Aameen
aarij
August 5, 2007 at 11:11 PM
One possible solution is Shaikh Muhammad’s (hafidhullah) DiscoverULife. His kind of counseling is perfect. This is what he plans on doing:
——
There are four main steps that I plan to take members through, through assignments, audio assistance, printouts, Q/A sessions, lectures, etc. Those four main steps are:
1. D is for DEFINE
… defining and measuring everything. What specifically do you want out of life? How much specifically will your dreams cost? How much specifically do you spend (in order to find out how much you have to make to be financially free)? Define it, define it, define it.
2. E is for ELIMINATE
… eliminate all the junk, the useless mailing lists, the excessive unimportant reading, the reading of email that makes no difference to your life, etc. Eliminate, eliminate, eliminate … so that you are left with a pure life of accomplishment and satisfaction.
3. A is for AUTOMATION
… this is the section supporting DiscoverULife members in becoming financially independant, and automating anything and everything in their life that they possibly can, so that they are left doing nothing except that which they LOVE to do, and want to do. They are left with a life of purpose, not meaningless tasks that a computer can handle. Automate, automate, automate.
4. L is for LIBERATION
… this is the final step where the person is dependant on no one because they have automated their business/career, they can travel and live wherever they want, and spend their life contributing and giving back to those causes that warms their heart every single day.
A DiscoverU … Life. :)
In sha Allah.
http://80707.blogspot.com/
——–
I’m gonna join too, in sha Allah.
sincethestorm
August 6, 2007 at 2:14 AM
I know this may be simple but it works for me always. Whenever I get a bad thought/inclination, I seek refuge from the shaytaan. I believe it is powerful way of seeking supernatural help from Allah SWT to extinquish the thought so it doesn’t linger and become an action.
anon
August 6, 2007 at 2:49 AM
Brother please consider getting rid of the internet all together. This addiction not only leads to lies it can lead to you commiting much worse sins (prosititution, homosexuality). I believe you know its urgent and therefore you need to take drastic measures.
May Allah make it easy for you to stop and forgive you and all of us our sins.
your bro
August 6, 2007 at 6:13 AM
salam br qwerty and WK,
May Allah ease your suffering and take you out of this torture you’re going through.
And may Allah reward Shaikh Yasir for his beneficial advice. I have some suggestions that might help:
* listen to this lecture, “Ahmed the Repenter”
http://www.iisna.com/downloads/
(it’s the third lecture on the list) — please make sure you listen to it if you haven’t already.
* some other suggestions, if you have a laptop, try to sell it and only keep a desk PC which is highly visible in the family or actually in your bedroom where your wife/family sleeps.
* if you have a laptop from work, don’t bring it home :) keep it at work and get your “important” mails on your handheld phone or something.
* if you MUST sit on the computer by yourself, perhaps keep the light on and keep a copy of Quran on your lap or in your eyesight.
* along the same lines, if you have ayat hanging in your house or islamic books, when you’re sitting in your room alone, think about these things in your surroundings and it will remind you of Allah.
* concentrate on this and say this to yourself perhaps 100 times: “Allah is watching me right now”
* watch this video with focussed visualization:
* say the istia’adah
* think about how you’ll feel after you do the evil deed…visualization is the key here!
* collect all the URLs that you regularly visit, and block them. I believe in firefox and IE, you can add these “blocked sites” and set a password. Set a random password that you type without looking so that you don’t know how to unlock it. (haven’t checked this)
* visualize the state of the people you are watching (or lusting I should say) will be on the day of Judgement [if they continue on that path]. Imagine how ugly they will look, how fat their skin would be, how big their molar teeth would be (size of Uhud!)..subhanAllah, just think about their torture and the fact that you’re making them your “friends” in this life, that should scare you away from them. You definitely do not want to be raised with them on Yawmul qiyamah!
* also br qwerty, one thing I don’t get…if your wife already knows about your issue, can’t you just install that logger br amad gave a link to and tell her, I’m doing this so that YOU KNOW (to your wife) of what I’m doing and that inshaAllah you can trust me. You don’t have to tell her that you’re still in the habit? No?
mm…I’ll post more inshallah if I can think of them. I apologize if I’m on the wrong path here.
salam
Umm Reem
August 7, 2007 at 3:49 PM
>> “On related subject, remember you, Zahid, Ramzy were at my place for dinner. And issue of second marriage came up, and everyones mouth watered.. and it was agreed (as I remember) that men want variety in wives.. I think I have said too much”
I hope Umm bint Hassan doesn’t drop by here!
On the related subject, here is a beautiful advice from our beloved Prophet, sallallahu alihi wasalam:
“Do not spend the night alone” (Ahmad 6919).
aya
August 8, 2007 at 11:53 AM
Anonymity is a bliss indeed. Let me tell you how a wife feels when she finds out about the secret life of her husband.
At first i only suspected some suspicious stuff on the computer but never realized the intensity of it until years later. My mind wouldn’t go beyond chat rooms. It made me angry especially because I had been very loyal to my husband, but I didn’t let the ‘suspicions’ take over my mind.
Sometimes I would get some disgusting popups on my computer and a friend of mine told me that it would only happen if someone actually downloads them. I didn’t believe her. I was so naive. I couldn’t even picture my husband watching any such thing. I had so much respect for him. I had married him for the sake of the deen. His friends had testified for his character. Then how could I even doubt him for a second.
Then a day came in my life, I wish hadn’t come. I saw what I shouldn’t have seen. It made me sick. I felt like puking. I cried and wished I was dreaming but the reality was right there in front of my eyes.
But my husband promised that he would stop. He would become more ‘spiritual’ and would take any and every precaution that I would ask him to… It lasted for sometime but now I know it has started again…
Day by day I fight this battle within me, on one side my love for him tells me to help him and work something out, on the other side my anger overtakes me and I think of leaving…but how? What would I tell the Imam why I seek to leave my husband? A wife is a ‘covering’ (libaas) of her husband, she hides her husband’s weaknesses and I did this for years, so how can I embarrass him now?
I want to help my husband, I want to see him successful not only here but in hereafter too. But how? I can’t keep nagging about the same subject every day. He already tells me not to act like his ‘mother’. That feeling of sorrow and guilt is not there in him anymore or at least I don’t see it.
Sometimes, it takes more then reminders of Allah’s fear for a person to leave certain sins. Sometimes a death of a loved one, some diseases, some catastrophe…so I think that perhaps if I leave it will shake him deeply and he will repent. Sometimes, by Allah, I want to get into a car accident just to ‘wake’ him up (and if i could guarantee that it would not lead to my death causing me to commit suicide, I would have done it)
When he is around us/family, I am fine. I don’t let my mind wander around but when he is working on the computer, I could only doubt and suspect him.
I had read that pure people are for pure people. But my mind fails to understand…I had never even looked at another man with an evil thought. I molded myself to his demands. Although, I grew up in a very ‘modest’ way, I went out of my way to get over my ‘shyness’. I did everything to please him from dressing in a certain way at home, to making our intimate life more exciting…Those of you who blame it on a wife’s lack of interest in intimacy are completely wrong. My husband will testify to this. We are a happily married couple (other then this issue) including our intimate life…
somtimes I wish I hadn’t done any of this, so at least I could ‘justify’ my husband’s action!
I feel bad for my children. My sons idealize their father like anything but there comes days when I fail to see my children becoming good Muslims because I know a ‘father’s sins affect his children.’
Yet there are days when I want to give up on my own struggles of becoming a good Muslimah because I must not be ‘pure’ enough to be married to my husband. In my anger, I went a couple times on some ‘chat’ rooms just to chat dirty with someone…but I couldn’t do it…I swear by Allah I couldn’t even enter the chatroom, I felt disgusted inside me…but I fear that a day might come when I wouldn’t feel disgusted anymore…
I know these are evil whisper of shaytaan, but what can I do. I came to know of a sin of his that is killing me inside. Perhaps if I see him increasing his good deeds in other ways to make up for this sin, I would stop feeling this way, but I don’t see that happening and I don’t know how to convince him into this. I have tried every way from talking to him, to requesting, to fighting to begging to crying to pleading but after all I am a wife and a wife can be everything but a ‘teacher’!
Brother Yasir Qadhi here said that it is not a major sin, my question to him is:
Whenever Allah mentioned in Quraan about avoiding major sins and He will forgive the minor, He always says, ‘avoid major sins and FAWAHISH’…isn’t this act an act of Fahash? If it is, then how could it be something minor? Yes it is not the actual act of zina but if it is fahash and Allah explicitly asks to leave major sins and fawahish??
And wouldn’t it fall into the category as ‘consistent minor sin in itself is a major sin’??
Anonymity is a bliss. May Allaah bless all of you for providing this opportunity for people in my situation to speak. Those of you who read this and think that it is only a ‘personal’ problem, know that it is NOT because this sin effects the people around you. I’ve heard brothers bragging about sisters’ hijaab because it is a ‘communal’ sin, and I tell you that this too is a sin that can ruin the lives of those living under your guardianship. So change and do something about it, PLEASE do something about it…for Allah’s sake first and then for your beloved wife’s sake and for your beloved children’s sake.
ma’ asslaam
Us
January 23, 2010 at 5:06 PM
i second sister Aya’s request at the end!!!
Amad
August 8, 2007 at 5:18 PM
SubhanAllah, sister Aya, its amazing to see both faces of this disease… Perhaps you will see some of what your husband may be feeling/going through in Qwerty’s words… and perhaps Br. Qwerty, you will recognize even more what this may be doing to your wife…
may Allah help both of you… I hope one of the Shayookh aboard will take time to add their cents on your story…
w/s
restingtraveller
August 8, 2007 at 5:53 PM
la huwla wa la quwwata ila billah, amazing indeed…I agree that cutting the internet is the best way to control this disease, wa Allahu ta’ala ‘alam. may Allah azza wa jal forgive us all.
Yasir Qadhi
August 8, 2007 at 6:37 PM
Salaam alaikum Sr. Aya
My heart really bled for you – your pain and suffering is understandable, may Allah make it easy for you.
But one point of advice: never ever wish for any misfortune on yourself or your husband. I can understand the frustration, but don’t be like those whom Allah says in the Quran ”And man asks for evil [upon himself] as he asks for good, and indeed Allah is quick [in responding]” Of the interpreations of this verse is that a person makes du’aa AGAINST himself, as you yourself are about to do, so be careful in this regard, and do not despair of Allah’s mercy.
Also I would not advise you to leave your husband permanently. Perhaps yoru presense is minmizing these sins, and if you were to leave he would become worse, so consider yourself as protecting him in some ways. And do not ever thing you are part of the problem (as for those who commented that a man’s addiction might be his wife’s fault – really that is so chauvinistic and ignorant it is unbelievable).
Lastly, about your question: we need to define a kabeerah (major sin) versus a sagheerah (minor sin). A major sin, according to the strongest opinion, is a sin that entails Allah’s curse, or threat of punishment of Hell. So actual fornication is a major sin, but the steps leading to it (e.g., talking to a woman, looking at her, etc.) does not constitute a major sin. No doubt some ‘minor’ sins are more major than others, but they are still in the realm of minor sins. Hence, even if a sin is ‘disgusting’ it does not necessarily follow that it is a kabeerah.
Not to trivialize minor sins here, but we need to remain clear about these matters.
(Shameless plug: this matter will be discussed in much greater detail in a future AlMaghrib class insha Allah!!!)
Now, a minor sin is transormed into a major one when a person habitually does it without any remorse or regret. What makes it a major sin is the lack of guilt and lack of repentance – if a person continue to repent and then fall into a minor sin, it remains a minor sin. Hence, if a person *tries* to give up a sin and continues to slip into it, then that does NOT constitute a major sin. Only if a person loses all modesty and habitually commits such sins without any guilt or attempt to change will such minor sins be considered a major sin.
Hope that clarifies this issue insha Allah…
And I sincerely pray that Allah makes your situation easy for you, and guides you and your husband to that which pleases Him!
Yasir
Nasir
August 8, 2007 at 7:52 PM
Assalamu Alaikum,
Shaykh Yasir, you categorized both masturbation and pornography under minor sins and I’m not sure if this was what you intended?
I don’t see how pornography could be considered a minor sin.
ibnabeeomar
August 8, 2007 at 8:32 PM
subhanallah .. to aya and qwerty i pray that Allah (swt) eases both of your situations, and that through sharing these stories they may deter others from falling into these sins
Brother who Knows
August 8, 2007 at 9:36 PM
Asalaam Aleikum,
Brs. Qwerty & WM,
I have some practical advise, because I myself am a recovering person.
1) It is not shaytan — it is the nafs. Recognize this. I have done so many dua’s and ayahs of qu’ran that would repel even the most obstinate shaytan and would still feel an intense desire. I realized it is the nafs. Once you realize this you are one step closer to personal responsibility. Try it, read ayat Al-Kursi and see if it helps. If it does not then you know it is your inner evil and not shaytan.
2) Realize that addiction is chemical as well. You will notice as you get that desire that your rate rate goes up, your body is calmer (endorphins realeased in your body), your heat is up. If you realize this then you’ve gotten another step closer. Why? because after a few days of going cold-turkey you’ve flushed out the chemicals/hormones that have been affecting you as well as the constant need for the high that you get. Think of it as a heroin addict, but in the case of a sex high that makes you that good feeling.
3) Give mad charity. I mean a lot of charity. Tie it to your sins if you do it. This is how I did it $100, $200, $500, $1000, $2000, $2000, then I had enough. I was going bankrupt man, but I felt that every time I kept sinning and not stopping I was making a bigger sin which needed a greater amount of sadaqa to expiate. I felt as if I was ransoming my soul to get rid of sin. Alhamdulliah, anytime I didn;t pay I would get problems at work, get parking tickets (worth $100 0- $200 anyway and just goes to waste to the city rather than count as a good deed) and all sort of worldly problems. If I paid the money right away I would not run into these problems and would not lose money on tickets and stuff. GIVE SADAQA, it shows real sacrifice.
4) To be cont insha Allah….. after I pray Isha.
Niamah
August 8, 2007 at 10:20 PM
* visualize the state of the people you are watching (or lusting I should say) will be on the day of Judgement [if they continue on that path]. Imagine how ugly they will look, how fat their skin would be, how big their molar teeth would be (size of Uhud!)..subhanAllah, just think about their torture and the fact that you’re making them your “friends” in this life, that should scare you away from them. You definitely do not want to be raised with them on Yawmul qiyamah!
MAshaAllah ”ur bro” has some good reminders and suggestions for everyone!! I remember when i was not religious, i would always visit always read news section about CELEBRITIES(k its porbably not as serious but STILL ) and everytime i would think about where would these ppl end up, it would really disgust me and i was like i dont want to make them my role models.
Niamah
August 8, 2007 at 10:23 PM
A Talk with the Self
By
Kamal El mekki
Oh my self what will calm you?
Can’t you remain patient for a day or two?
I try to contain you but your strength overpowers
But when we die life will seem like hours
So can’t you be patient for part of a day?
And remain steadfast upon the straight way?
The direction you’re taking leads to my worst fears
Of the day we stand for fifty thousand years
No one will joke nor talk nor smile
And the sun from our heads will be at a mile
Nowhere to hide and nowhere to flee
Standing for what seems an eternity
Then the judgment begins and the books will land
Either on your right or your left hand
Oh my self …
Do not become like those who left the right track
And put their left hands behind their back
Oh self how do you plan to cross the sirat suspended in the air?
Craftier than a fox, sharper than a sword and thinner than a hair?
How do you plan to cross? Or will you cross at all?
The blink of an eye? Run? Or would you rather crawl?
The bad deeds you command will drop you from it
And only good deeds put you back upon it
Oh self it’s a five hundred year-drop suspension
Over a terrible place I’d rather not mention
Oh self…
Do not be fooled by this world and its illusions
And keep in mind judgment, the grave and other conclusions
Oh self wake up! Don’t follow your desire
And ask for forgiveness to avoid the fire
Oh self keep the commands and avoid prohibitions
And pay close attention to these admonitions
Be amongst those who were the best of planners
Who prepared for the future with good deeds and good manners
Oh self it simply about your control
Being patient now so as to reach your goal
I don’t mean to put a burden, or put much stress
Just to warn of a day when the limbs confess
Sins add up as you live through the years
Then sadness won’t save you and nor will the tears
Every time you sin the Shaytan is winning
So remember the One against Whom you’re sinning
Oh my self…
Life is short and ends when you least expect it
And then what will you say when you’re resurrected?
The angel of death overlooked you and took the souls of your brothers
And one day he’ll come to you and overlook others
For great rewards plant the righteous seeds
Oh Allah, I seek refuge from the evil of my self and from the evil of my deeds.
Brother who Knows
August 8, 2007 at 10:55 PM
4) “A strong desire is a justifiable need”. I read this on a billboard once, for a lexus.
Your deed is 100% Haram, you HAVE to come to grips with this. It is so easy to justify it. You cannot do this if you are too quit.
Think of eating pork. You never went near it becaus eyou know so clearly that it is haram. It goes the same for porn. You have to not kid yourself, to realize that there is no justification except your own desires.
THERE IS NO JUSTIFICATION EXCEPT YOUR SELF. YOU DO IT TO PLEASE YOURSELF, THAT IS IT.
5) You have an addiction for life. You have to completely quit cold-turkey, and never never start again. Once you start, even just once, you will continue. I took this reality from a person I saw who was a big time smoker and quit. When offered, even though it was so tempting, he did not even take one smoke. He knows once he takes that one smoke he’s done for it.
In this case, if you can stop for a good month or so insha Allah you have to avoid all things that would lead to you thinking about porn.
(cover your eyes if you are faint of heart)
Don’t reach for your penis, even once. stay away from it and know that once you feel the sensation of arousal you will not be able to control your desire.
If you find yourself looking at women on the street, literally look right to the floor and walk. Get headphones, listen to qu’ran while looking down to keep your mind busy.
6) You have to make your intention to completely quit; NEVER start again. If you intend for a week or a month you will not make it. Only when you completely say (and literally have a out-loud conversation with your nafs) that you are stopping forvever because:
You don;t want to keep going like this when you are older
You don;t want to lose your marriage
You are afraid of losing out on rewards from Allah.
…whatever makes you afraid the most.
Once you intend to completely stop, just like not eating pork, then you will have a much easier time insha Allah. You will even get used to staying away.
7) Zuhd (ascetism):
Try to distance yourself from the things of the world in general. It will help you to become less attached to things. being used to disattaching will also help you disattach from porn.
8) Get busy with dunya! what, I thought you just said be asctic? Yes, but Idle hands are the devil’s playground.
Take on medium to long-term projects, they will help you get focused. You will start thinking about it alot, your project that is. Do some construction on the houese, work on completely reorganizing. BUT make sure you have a plan, you write it down, and that you structure it. Meaning: complete this, then that, then this, in order to complete the entire project.
Keeping busy is the best thing for a recovering addict because once you are bored and alone, forget it.
9) Travel, take time off, for a year if possible.
For some reason I never had a problem with the addiction while traveling or being away from home. Go study arabic in a Muslim country for a year. Sure there is bad stuff there, but not as much, and not as accessible, trust me.
Travel especially if you are having a hard time even stopping. Take yourself away from the environment long enough for you to get away from your habit. But if you don;t make your absolute intention to quit forever BEFORE you go, forget it.
10) Again, keep giving sadaqa. I tell you.
Amad
August 8, 2007 at 10:59 PM
Brother who knows… mashallah, you do know… amazing, practical advice… I hope all the “victims” of this fahshah , the loud and the silent majority will pay attention to all the beautiful advice. IF you truly do want to change yourself, you have enough to start with and try.
Nasir
August 8, 2007 at 11:07 PM
Assalamu Alaikum,
A good solution that I heard from a Shaykh is to keep the computer in an open area of the house such as your living room. And not to use it by yourself in an isolated place.
Brother who Knows
August 8, 2007 at 11:43 PM
Sister Aya, Sheikh Yaser,
This problem of pornography is an addiction just like alcohol or anything else.
Sr. Aya, it is in no way your fault. It is his problem and his addiction and he had this before he even married you.
Sheikh Yaser, how would a woman handle a sitatuion of an alcoholic husband? This is a sincere question. Would that count as nushuz? Should she seek the help of family? Would make a difference whether or not he has regret for his sins?
aya
August 12, 2007 at 5:36 PM
Sh. Yasir, jazakallah for your time to explain. Just to completely clarify my confusion, may I ask if there is a wisdom behind why in all the ayahs “fawahish” is seperated from minor sins and is mentioned along the same lines as kabaair?
Also, I hope that people only benefit from these stories. I am afraid that some may feel ‘comfortable’ that there are many others invovled in this sin too, perhpas better people then them, and it may decrease their feelings of guilt and their enthusiasm to change…
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lisa
September 12, 2007 at 11:41 AM
hi there I am doing a report for school on addiction services that are available for Muslim women I am not able to find very much information and was wondering if u can help me out. I look forward to hearing from you
L.R.
AnonyMouse
September 12, 2007 at 12:26 PM
Hi, Lisa!
I personally don’t know of any, but if you register at the IslamWay Sisters forum (sisters.islamway.com – click on “discussion”, register, and browse), you’ll find a variety of resources listed.
If you don’t find what you’re looking for, just leave a post there and I’m sure that several sisters will reply you pretty quickly with what you need.
-Mouse
khadija
September 19, 2007 at 2:55 PM
I have a suggestion. Make yourself a “Lawh Al Mahfooz”…i.e. a record of your daily deeds.
One advice I can give you, when you decide to let go of a sin…Number ONE rule…NEVER LOOK BACK…completely block all avenues of getting to the sin out. You have to do it. As someone said, cut off internet access if you must. Get invovled in every Islamic activities you can…if there aren’t enough, arrange more. Go door to door and invite neighbors to Islam…be invovled in your childrens Tabiyah to the point that you are too busy to do other thing….whatever you do, DON’t look back at the Sin….make a line with black marker on your face every time you do it (that one is a bit strange but it may help – the shame will be on your face and apparent to you and all else –whereas stains on the heart are primarily known by Allah)
And this…read this amazing article, and imagine if that ONE sin is what keeps your from crossing the Siraat:
trustinallah.blogspot.com
The article is called “The HEARTBREAK” …scroll down on the page to see it.
May Allah swt help you leave this sin this Ramadan. FOREVER. NO TURNING BACK. Don’t look, thought comes, shut it out until its gone forever.
May Allah swt help us ALL leave our sins this Ramadan…completely abandon them. We hate you sins and we will not carry you around til death unexpectedly overtakes us.
Iblees means despair…he wants us to despair…never despair in Allah swt….whoever takes a step toward good, Allah makes the path easy for them eventually…its only the INITIAL stages that you have to OVERCOME….after that insha allah, it will be a peace of cake.
Amad
September 20, 2007 at 8:36 AM
jazakillahkhair sister Khadijah for your valuable advice.
qwerty
October 19, 2007 at 11:55 AM
I know its been a while since this discussion was looked at, but i felt that there was something else i should bring to the mix, and it serves largely as a warning to brothers who are involved in the sin as to what to expect after you’re caught.
When your wife becomes aware of this problem, it will understandably undermine her respect for you, perhaps forever.
It has been a few years since that fateful day when my wife found out and since then our relationship has not been the same.
After her discovery of the sin it resulted in an increase of nushooz on her part, and what could i do? Could i ask her to fear Allah? All she’d do is throw it back in my face asking if i feared Allah?
So her nushooz and my reminders for her to stop being like that fell on deaf ears and it also started to cause resentment in me, though underlying that was the feeling of guilt, knowing that the fault was mine in the beginning.
Another source of anxiety for me is that her knowledge of what i did is like an axe hanging over my head. At any time that she wishes, she could humiliate me in front of her family and my own, and what will i do then?
The previous love & respect between the two of us isn’t there. And despite my wish to mend things with her (over and over again) it just seems like these two hearts are now walking different paths.
Deep down I believe that the relationship is over. We’re staying together for the sake of the child and perhaps also to save face – but Allah knows how long that can last.
ibnabeeomar
October 19, 2007 at 12:11 PM
subhanallah.. may Allah(swt) make your affairs easy, and jazakAllahu khayr for sharing this story to serve as a reminder to others
Amad
October 19, 2007 at 10:35 PM
Akhi Qwerty, I am sorry to hear that.
I do believe though that perhaps if you have a frank discussion with your wife… tell her your fears, tell her that you don’t want to be under this threat of being “revealed” because that is not what a healthy relationship constitutes of. Perhaps if you tell her that you are clean (hopefully you are now) and seek her help in keeping that way, inshallah, with dua’ and ibadah, Allah will make that a source of reaffirmation of the marriage.
wallahumusta’an
Abu Abdurrahman
October 20, 2007 at 6:29 PM
May Allah alleviate your pain from you bro Qwerty..we make du’a for all those who are in such a situation.
Amad Bhai, I believe, is right.
It is through hiding that the problem gets to the stage it does, and it will only be solved through bing honest and open.
That’s just my opinion, and I could be wrong, and I have no experience in this field to guide you – it’s sincere advice.
Kamran
October 21, 2007 at 5:12 AM
as salamu alaykum
Surah Furqan: v 68-70
And those who invoke not any other ilah along with Allah, nor kill such life as Allah has forbidden, except for just cause, nor commit illegal sexual intercourse and whoever does this shall receive the punishment.
The torment will be doubled to him on the Day of Resurrection, and he will abide therein in disgrace;
Except those who repent and believe, and do righteous deeds, for those, Allah will change their sins into good deeds, and Allah is Oft-Forgiving, Most Merciful.
Brother-HK7
January 3, 2008 at 7:52 PM
Asalaam’alaikum,
I know of a muslim who suffered from a different addiction but an addiction all the same. He (meekly) fought it, got married to overcome it, had a child, but ultimately persisted in it and allowed it to consume him to its terrible conclusion.
I watched this first hand over many years growing up, and could list many other sins that came into being because of this original problem. He wasn’t interested in discussing it. He lost it; finally bludgeoned his wife & child to death and himself. His chapter is closed, I do not want to go further.
I relate this as a warning and reminder to all of you NOT to freely persist in sins and make every SINCERE effort to overcome them. It’s been many years, and I am almost shaking writing this. I hate these memories. His child was so lovely, so young. When I think about what is happening now in the grave…I feel I might pass out.
Sister Aya, if you are still reading this forum, I hope you can relate this back to your husband who needs help. In addition to this your husband could also try:
1) Fasting – this is helpful in these matters as its easier to commit sin when not fasting. Fast a lot, perhaps as the fast of Dawud.
2) Give sadaqa as previously suggested. Another way would be to put some money aside each day the sin is not repeated. Once he reaches a certain amount, he could treat you. If he fails, give it all as sadaqa.
3) Log all your internet activity with an external host. That way, he can’t erase his browsing history, and the detailed logs are emailed to you both.
4) And finally, perform tahajjud often, its so wonderful and has helped me greatly!
Wasalaam.
bookworm
January 18, 2008 at 5:53 PM
Asalamu Alaikum to all the readers,
I’m impressed of br. Querty and sr. aya’s real life stories. reading this article made me think that ‘m not alone. I’m in the same situation as aya is. the problem i face is my husband wouldn’t think that it is haram. If someone says watching pornstars and masterbating are haram he’d say” Allah loves me still, I’m doing all i can to satisfy my mother and i give charity and i lookafter my poor sister ” etc……..he’d still go on with that dirty habit. This habit i realize is the reason why he doesn’t approach me lately. Even to this day i see evidence of his misconduct in his pyjama.
I wish I could post this article to him but i know he wouldn’t take time even to read the subject. He’s not a reading type. Besides unlike Br.Qwerty he’d deny doing this act. Oneday i caught him in the act and I was so surprised to see it. I feel so ashmed to be married to him. he came to bed that night as nothing had happened. From that day on I have no respect or belief in him.
I still regret marrying him. I always wanted a good , God fearing Muslim as my partner. Like sister aya ,I have gone to the extent of things Allah wouldn’t approve of to make him happy in bed. but all that failed. we don’t have a good relationship after that. I stick by him because of my kids. I pray Allah and ask him in every salah to shower mercy to them and lead them in the right path. I wish i could tell you all to what extent he is a muslim.
He takes delight in letting his eyes wander amids beautiful girls . He does this openly. When I say to stare at a girl once is haram ,he’d reply then he’ll stare at her twice. He takes life so easily so does marriage. I could go on forever telling all theses. But I won’t. I think my life is a sacrifice. By the way I would like to ask Sheyk Yasir Qadi a question. I love to wear abaya.but my husband doesn’t like it. What should I do.?Should I wear inspite of his preference? I fear that he’d do something bad to me if I neglect his wish.
I’m sorry if i offended anyone by exposing my husbands very few faults.Allah knows best
Olanr
January 22, 2008 at 4:44 AM
Salam Alaykum,
I just picked a point from Br. Qwerty story. Talking about the genesis of the fitnah, he said something about delay in marriage, is this common to all who have experienced this fitnah?
Abdur-Rehman
January 29, 2008 at 8:45 PM
Assalamu ‘alaikum,
May Allaah bless all the brothers and sisters with these situations with relief after hardship, for those like bookworm in a really really tough ordeal, remember that Allah has promised that for those who truly fear him, he will make a way out for them from where they cannot imagine (At-Talaq)…
Doing the fard remains even if your husband doesn’t like it…like the hijaab and praying salaah…i thought i had it tough with my situation with girls and then i heard you brothers and sisters…i pray to Allah that he make me as strong as Qwerty, give me a wife as pure as sister Aya or sister Bookworm, help us all avoid useless and dangerous comments like those of mujahideen ryder (lol) and brother Anthrop wahabi,
this topic was the most beautiful thing i ever read and shaikh yasir, you really opened our minds, we really have to be more sincere and practice the zuhd umm layth speaks of, we are blessed to have such good sisters,
and I ask by Allah’s beautiful name and attributes that he beautifies and purifies many of our men as he has beautified and purified many of our women….
A.R.
abu ameerah
January 30, 2008 at 7:07 PM
i know that i am quite late in saying this (not that i particularly care though) … but Wahabi Misanthrope’s original comment was so incredibly awesome that I felt I had to give him his “props” (i don’t care if people no longer use the word props) …
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Saud
April 9, 2008 at 12:03 PM
All good points, something I might add: fasting.
Fasting is a form of castration as well all know that the part of the brain which controls food cravings also controls sexual drive.
Charity is always a good as one of the brothers suggested. Nothing tells Allah(SWT) your truly sorry than money out of your bank account.
The lack of moral standards in society are really to blame. Even something as harmless as watching a basketball or football game can be contaminated when images of cheerleaders wearing scantily clad clothing appear. Other previous ummah’s have had a specific fitnah they had to deal with whether it be famine, war, or natural disasters. I feel the fitnah of our time is the prevalence of nudity.
allahu alim
Candid
April 13, 2008 at 12:05 AM
The real problem is that porn is so accessible. The best solution is to install a filter that can’t be turned off. Install the filter offered by:
http://wisechoice.net
They offer a filter that can’t be turned off unless you call them on a weekday between 8am-6pm. They charge $5/month but definitely worth the cost.
DSICLAIMER: I have no stake in the above filter. It is run by our chrsitian brethren.
Candid
April 13, 2008 at 12:16 AM
Well said sister Khadija. Imam Ghazzali writes that after Allah created hell he asked Gabriel to go and look. Gabriel came back and said that no one will want to enter hell. Then Allah asked him to cover hellfire with sexual lust (shehwat). Gabriel did and said to Allah that I am afraid no one will be be able to escape from hell.
This is Jihad-e akbar. You are dead on when you say that you have to cut off every avenue to porn:
1) Place computers in a public area in your home
2) Don’t let your kids have their own PC’s in their rooms, whereby they lock themselves up and surf.
3) Install an internet filter that can’t be turned off. http://wisechoice.net is a great filter.
4) Even cut off internet connection if you have to.
Keep fighting against your nafs. With the help of God you’ll overcome it, God-willing.
Candid
April 13, 2008 at 12:29 AM
In order to come out of this fintah one must:
1) Take responisbility. Don’t blame your wife for forcing you into this by being cold, or don’t blame other circumstances. Take responsibility, repent sincerely and ask Allah for help
2) Cut off access to internet, literally or with a strong filter that you can’t turn off.
3) Realize that you are falling into hell, both in this world and the next.
Finally thank Allah if you succeed in coming clean, don’t take personal credit.
Shaz
April 19, 2008 at 7:24 AM
Alsalam alaikum wa rahmat Allahi wa barakatu, i read every one’s post’s on the subject (The secret live’s of husbands) i know its been a long time since the discusion! Probably none
Of you will get to read my post, but id like to add it anyway. Firstly in the name of Allah most gracious most mercifull, & Allah’s peace and blessings on his final prophet Muhammad PBUH, i hope u are all in high iman insha Allah, and insha Allah those of you who had the porn addiction are now cured, & insha Allah those of you w
Shaz
April 19, 2008 at 7:44 AM
Who were affected by your husbandr porn adiction have got ur peace, confidance & self respect & respect for your husbands back. Ok I would like to share my experience & give my opinion on the issue, my husband also has this problem, it started before we married when he was single, he done it cause the disires were so over whelming & fitna was all around him & he had no wife to go to. He told him self this is temporary, when Allah gives me a beautiful wife of my own i will stop, i will have halal, i wont be
Shaz
April 19, 2008 at 8:02 AM
Frustated any more, khalas what more will i need? Ill mary, purify my heart, make tawbah, reform, be a good muslim, do good deeds, look after my family well insha Allah all i need is a wife. Well Allah SWT
Provided him with me, i am a young & attractive muslim woman, but i will admit i am not a good muslim, i try, but i fall short, he married me for looks, he ended up having problems with my personality, uncompatibility between us etc, any way back to topic, My husband is not a bad man, hes not unlike qwert
Shaz
April 19, 2008 at 8:15 AM
Qwerty, has has been so over come by remorse, he keeps making tawbah and keeps falling back, please make dua for him to get cured. I make dua for him too, but i myself am a lazy muslim, i dont commit zina or anything big, but i lack khushoo most of time in salah, i have many faults, so who am i to judge my husband? Or any other muslim? We all fall short, we should look at our own faults & work on fixing them, then try to make dua for others & help them. We have installed blocks on pc, he doesnt have access
Shaz
April 19, 2008 at 8:25 AM
To the pass words of blocking soft ware, maybe tha helps him, insha Allah it does, he struggles with his problem, & feels a lot of shame, loses confidance in ever being a productive member of the umaha i try to give him encuragement to go out there any way as that is what will help him insha Allah. Please make dua. When i first knew about the problem i was shocked as i had thought he was such a good muslim & my role model even, i looked up to him as my good example, i admit i did lose respect for him,
Shaz
April 19, 2008 at 8:34 AM
It did contribute to me belittiling my own sins & making less effort to work on my own spirituality, i became more nushuz, more heedless and more dunya, i lost my self confidance for a while & believed he looked at porn because he wasent attracted to me, but i now have my confidence back alhamdulilah, i know hes attracted to me i now understand the nature of men and i have read a lot about porn adiction, even from kafir sources, i am an attractive woman, i get attention in hijab too, my husband is very prot
Shaz
April 19, 2008 at 8:45 AM
Protective of me, and he has geerah for me and he gets angry when men look at me, The issue of porography is complex, as it isint as brother Hassan believes marry more & youll be cured. Its not that simple, pornography doesnt just satisfiy a mans lust for variaty (all though my husband told me thats one of the reasons men get hooked on it) its basicly a fantasy world, it degrades women to mere sex objects, it degrads men to mere sexual preditors. It tells men lies about women, over time men who watch that
Shaz
April 19, 2008 at 8:55 AM
Start to believe false things about women. They see women differently than they did before, there mind becomes full of these fantasies, they warp every woman they see to fit these fantasies, pornography is a quick masturbatury fix, it makes a man selfish & only wanting to please him self, with real women he has to make an effort to fullfill her emotional and phisical needs to, with porography he gets to look, enjoy her, but its all one sided no effort from his side to please her. Porography is for the lazy
Shaz
April 19, 2008 at 9:08 AM
Or insecure man who cant deal with the demands of real wife, how then can he deal with 2, 3 or 4? It might help if variaty is the only thing porn offers but its Not, even if a man had ten beautifull wives & he had been a porn addict before marrying them he would still crave it & would still end up going back to it after a while (my husband told me that when i offerd to find him 2nd wife as soulution) pornograpic sex is different to real intimacy, pornographic women are different to real women, they do acts
Shaz
April 19, 2008 at 9:20 AM
Acts, self respecting women would never do, they have been edited & airbrushed by the camera to appear flawless they are always “turned on” “eager to please” always ready wont say no to anything you want. Now dont get me wrong im no prude, i always
Wear nice clothes & jewlery for husband, bellydance, nice pretty underwear do my hair stylish
Put khol on, never be in pajamas, track suite when he comes home from work, but there is a difference between
A nice pretty normal girl, & a pornographic slut, its the
Shaz
April 19, 2008 at 9:36 AM
Filthiness of it that arrouses a man so much. Its camera work, lighting, edditing make it exiting for him, once he has enterd this illiousion its dificult to enjoy reality as much, the haram is blocking the halal, pornography can eventually lead a man to become a rapist, homosexual or phedophile, a3oodu billah, its no joke, no “harmless bit of fun” no “minor sin” its big time haram!! And very harmfull, if you dont believe me read the book: Pornified, by Pamela Paul. Or google: Porn addiction. I personaliy
Shaz
April 19, 2008 at 9:45 AM
Believe its worse than fornication & adultry, due to the long term negative effects it has on men who view it, thier wife’s who try to please them by degrading them self’s & imatating theese women, even thier children who may become exposed to it. Its somthing muslim men should stay far away from. & if cought up in it all seek help, make dua, make so much effort to get cured. Women! Dont imitate the pornagraphic prostitutes! Maintain your dignity & self respect, try to help your husband overcome his problem
Shaz
April 19, 2008 at 9:55 AM
Not become part of it! Its your difference to those sluts that will help him, his respect for you that will not get shatterd. Women, try not to take it personaly, understand the nature of men, really these men are victims in a way. Make dua for him, dont hold it against him, dont blackmail him, dont lose respect for him. Stand by him, be patient this is a trial for you and him a huge fitna & weapon of shaytan. But dont dispare, its his sin between him & Allah nothing to do with you, just stay strong work on
Shaz
April 19, 2008 at 10:18 AM
Your own faults & bettering your self, cover your husbands faults, never expose him to friends & family, try to be a good muslim & a good wife. I am telling this to myself before anyone else. Please make dua for me. Jazakum Allah khir. Wa alsalam
Shaz
April 20, 2008 at 4:26 AM
Salam, i’d like to inform u of some of the negative effects of pornography i forgot to mention yesterday, a man who views a lot of porn, may eventually end up a rapist or a sex killer or a homosexual or a child molester. Or he may end up impotent! Neveq able to get stimulated again! Also it destroys intimacy between man & woman, the natural sex is ment to be full of hugging, kissing, massaging, forplay, romantic sex. With pornography its all about possisions & dirty acts & talk. Porn destroys men.
Shaz
April 20, 2008 at 4:37 AM
& porn degrads women, those women in the porn indistry are being exploted, used & abused by men, those women are sad & lonley people, most times they end up drug addicts,they end up alcoholics all to block the pain they feel inside. A lot of them commit suicide, they are degrading them selfs for cash, really just like all human beings what they really need is Allah & love. Men who view porn lose respect for women & start to believe women actually are that dirty & want to be treated like that.
Shaz
April 20, 2008 at 4:50 AM
Well i am a woman, & i am telling you we dont! Even kafir women dont want to be degraded like that! Even they hate porn. Pornography degrades men & women, pornography destroys everyone. Pornography is a dark & crule world, its a wepon of shytan & our enemies who want to explote human beings for cash. Thatr why the government wont block it, they make to much money, & men are weak & they know this is an easy market, pornography is bad, its not the way human intimacy is ment to be. Allah have mercy on us.
Candid
April 22, 2008 at 3:02 AM
Shaz,
Isn’t porn a weapon of the antichrist, dajjal? It destroys families, the building block of societies.
Candid
April 22, 2008 at 3:19 AM
There needs to be a movie on this topic, depicting the scenarios in Sr Shaz’ research that men turn into rapists, homos, pedophiles.
Also depicting how husband and wife become estranged and how families are destroyed by porn. I am surprised that hollywood or Muslim film-makers have not picked up on this topic.
Shaz
April 22, 2008 at 6:50 AM
Alsalam alaikum Candid,
Yeah maybe it is a weapon of Dajal, maybe its even a form of magic!!! you know this verse in the Quran:
2:102 They followed what the devils gave out (falsely) against the power of Solomon: the blasphemers Were, not Solomon, but the devils, teaching men Magic, and such things as came down at babylon to the angels Harut and Marut. But neither of these taught anyone (Such things) without saying: “We are only for trial; so do not blaspheme.” They learned from them the means to sow discord between man and wife. But they could not thus harm anyone except by Allah’s permission. And they learned what harmed them, not what profited them. And they knew that the buyers of (magic) would have no share in the happiness of the Hereafter. And vile was the price for which they did sell their souls, if they but knew!
Maybe the ”means to sow discord between man and wife” the things that sepperates between man and wife, maybe pornography is that thing, maybe it is the magic they learned.
Wa Allahu Allam
What do you think?
Shaz
April 22, 2008 at 6:52 AM
In a Zohurul Hoque Quran translation the same verse is translated as follow’s:
”And they follow what the Evil-ones cited against the kingdom of Sulaiman, and Sulaiman did not disbelieve, but the Evil-ones disbelieved;- they taught men enchantment. And nothing had been revealed on the two malaks at Babel,- Harut and Marut. Nor these two teach anyone so that they should have said: “We ourselves are only a trial, so do not disbelieve.” So it is from these two that they have learned that by which they cause a separation between man and his mate. But they cannot cause harm to anyone by it except with the leave of Allah. And they learn what harms them and does not benefit them. And yet they knew that whoever buys it has no share in any goodness in the Hereafter. And indeed it is an evil what they purchase by it for their souls, had they been knowing! ”
Shaz
April 22, 2008 at 7:09 AM
If you follow this link:
You will find an article by the Guardian on the subject, they are non muslim so its from a different point of veiw than our’s, but over all they recognise the negative effects of pornography and that this is a serious issue that needs to be tackeled.
Shaz
April 22, 2008 at 7:10 AM
http://www.guardian.co.uk/world/2003/nov/08/gender.weekend7
AbooZaid
April 22, 2008 at 5:02 PM
Assalaamu alaykum Br Qwerty,
I pray this post provides hope and I would be honored if it plays any role in your ultimate change. Which I know you will inshallaah! :)
I echo the recommendation of NLP, but you may not need someone if that is a barrier for you. You may be your own best coach at this point for this particular behavioral change.
Currently I am reading Tony Robbin’s book, “Awaken the Giant Within” which is nothing short of amazing. Moreover, the parallels to our teachings are striking. I believe these techniques are largely modern articulations of divine principles. (Recommended by MuhammadAlShareef) This book is like a private counselor for anyone who wishes to make a change. ANY CHANGE. I challenge you to read the first two chapters including the introduction with an open heart and see if you don’t find tangible benefit?
The reason I felt compelled to write to you is that I feel strongly after reading your post that change is near for you and wanted to share the good news. What is my proof for this? As painful as it may be, don’t you find some comfort in clearly outlining all of the pain associated with your actions? That is a key step to real change. True change does not happen without that. And the fact that you have outlined your pain in such exhaustive detail tells me that you’re in a position to channel all of that pain into leverage. You may have done that before but now you need to take that list, make bigger and dial all of that pain up at once at your next urge.
The pathway is well established as you mentioned, so it wont be easy, but what valuable things in life are easy? One of the major keys to change is leverage. I think that is similar to what Abu Muhammad alluded to. As believers we have the ultimate leverage; this expands on the wisdom as to why Allah SWT was so descriptive of what is at stake for us in the hereafter.
I wont attempt to do justice to this concept here. But check out this book. The net of leverage is associating pain with the result you dont want and pleasure with the one you do want. Now, if this were so easy, all of us would be perfect believers because what is more helpful than HellFire or Paradise as leverage. However, you notice that the best Muslims are those that clearly personalize the descriptions of the hereafter. It is more than a basic belief but an experience for them. They let their bodies chemically experience the reward of bliss before it even happens. They do this anytime they do an action leading toward their desired result. Additionally when needed they’re able to link massive pain with not doing an action they want to do.
For you, you’ve gone beyond the pain of just feeling sinful. You’ve truly thought about all of the pain in the family, the internal pain and struggle, the massive guilt, the joy you are missing from a qalb saleem, the worry that this behavior may lead to more scary consequences as you keenly pointed out in the story you quoted. That is a very subtle connection you made, mashallaah. The more that you can elaborate in your own words and emotions the better. Maybe certain descriptions of the punishment really hit you hard. Use those to your benefit. Pick the ones that you can make personal and the really hit you. Now for the part I think you are missing and why you should use the book to tie it together.
The pain that you have in your life now is not helping you, so switch strategies. Use that pain as leverage against yourself at the TIME of the urge but also start visualize the reward and pleasure you will have from leaving it. Visualize all of the joys that you will have from being successful and start making yourself taste that success for everyday you are clean. Feel guilty but don’t beat the hell out of yourself if it is not helping you change. Many of us live in pain thinking that pain is what keeps us disciplined. Sometimes that is true but constant pain does not help performance, rather it hurts it. Dont live in pain but be able to dial it up and conjure MASSIVE pain when you get the urge. Dont just think about one aspect, think of EVERYTHING and EVERYONE this affects in your life, present and future (not past, let it go).
In terms of your wife now not respecting you. It is time for that to change too. We are all human and she will now see the man that you are and that you were destined to be by this change. Once you are on this new path you should feel the full right to advise her and lead your family. Love may not come back right away but that is fine. Operate on Mercy for now until the love comes back. Enjoy your success and the process back. Once you have a month or two under your belt, that pathway should be nearly gone and you have the full right to feel successful and emboldened with your new way, as long as you have used a new strategy.
To earn the respect back, make a way for you to prove your innocence so that this is never an issue. Just like a drug addict will submit to tests, open up your computer with the tracking software others suggested. Let her be involved in the process to show that this time is a new dedication. She can be leverage too. You are married to help each other as believers.
This is a tremendous negative in your life now. Inshallah, it will in the future be an incredible source of strength as a powerful reference. References are also talked about in the book. What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. I think this applies to sins as well. If you survive it, as I know you will, you’ll come out stronger with new dedication and confidence that you can overcome anything you want in life. May Allah bless you and increase you in strength.
(this was done at work so it is not as coherent as I would like or meet my standards of a proper essay. Hopefully it still has value in this from)
Ed Abd Al-Ghafur
April 28, 2008 at 11:32 PM
Salaam Alaykum,
I just wanted to bring something to people’s attention. . So…. I’ve put together a Muslim Accountability circle on a website called http://www.no-porn.com. The idea is basically for Muslims who struggle with pornography to have an online support group in which they encourage each other to live up to their deen. You have to be a registered member to view this particular part of the forum, but to preserve your anonymity you can fudge the information if necessary. My idea is just to create some forum online for Muslims struggling with this problem to help each other out. To my knowledge, none exists so far, though Christians have put together some impressive support networks, and I suspect that its largely Christians who run this http://www.no-porn.com website.
Perhaps none of the visitors on this forum struggle with the appropriateness with which they use the internet, and in that case mash’Allah, ignore this message. If you feel that that is not the case, and that pornography is a problem for you or someone you know, direct them over to the accountability group.
Its located at http://www.no-porn.com. Click on forums, register as a member, click on the support boards, and then click on accountability circle. There you’ll see a posting for the Muslim Accountability Circle. It’s completely anonymous. This might very well be the first support circle of its kind for Muslims on the internet.
Ed Abd Al-ghafur
wakeup
May 18, 2008 at 4:46 AM
You have an addiction! Say that three times, “I have an addiction! I have an addiction! I have an addiction! Once you are true to yourself, then and only then you can help yourself. What’s stopping you from seeking help? You need to find another activity other that will keep you occupied and surround yourself around strong brothers that will encourage the good and forbid the evil.
Nothing can come between you and allah, just always remember that. And if the person that kill 100 people during the time of bani Israel got repentances from allah, dont you think you are able to ? Allahs is very oft and forgiving and merciful.
m4l
stranger
September 14, 2008 at 8:23 AM
As salam alaikum, and ramadan kareem to all of you.
I have visited this discussion numerous times over a space of months, normally when I am looking for advice on the subject, and normally after I have had a bad period of falling into porn and masturbation. I hope there will be some benefit somewhere in this for someone.
I used to masturbate as a child quite alot, this practice stayed with me until my early twenties, although I came from a very respectable, cultural muslim family I was a troublesome young man who lived far from Islam and muslims, to cut the story short I got into lots of trouble with the police and spent a number of years in prison due to drugs addiction and crime. Upon my release al hamdillah i recieved dawah and was guided to Islam. This first few years was very beneficial to me I truly loved and feared Allah suddenly I understood why i existed why everything existed, I strived to learn and please Allah all the time. I studied Islam, Arabic and quran. For the most part due to really strong emaan I was able to stop masturbating, there where times when I lost control and had bad days, (for me I cannot masturbate once, then return to normality, I tend to have bad periods of excessive sinning) but I used to really fear Allah and beg him to forgive me, unfortunately now times have changed. I got married only to protect my religion, my wife was young not particularly religious but I thought she had the makings of a good partner with some work together. When I was with my wife I never masturbated and she did extinguish the fire, for a long time anyway. All of this time I would never watch porn as in my mind simply a sincere muslim does not do this sin and its pure nifaq. One day however I returned home and found my home pc was full of evidence of porn, I confronted my wife at first she denied it then it happened again, I reprimanded her severely, in fact i told her that I am not someone who would want to keep a wife who does this! She promised that she would never do this again, the surprising thing is our sex life was good, infact other areas of our marriage may have been failing but that was one area I feel we were both getting satisfaction. I think she stopped after this there was never any evidence on the PC again. However this is where my problem began, I couldnt get the images out of my mind, eventually one day I browsed porn sites and masturbated, that was my end! Masturbation alone was bad enough for me this was like pouring petrol on a fire. Ever since then its been approx 4 years now I have been addicted to porn and masturbation, the things i have been watching have become more disgusting, it keeps getting worse. I am now divorced and I have to say I feel doomed. My heart and soul is gone, I am far from Allah, its been so long since I tasted the sweetness of eman. I am intelligent, healthy and a reasonably handsome muslim man, I am working and everything should be fine, but its not. The signals and feelings that my healthy heart used to give me have now gone, now instead when i do these sins I just feel desire, and my desires have moved on to more extreme things so I am not sure if a marriage can help me!! I was able to stop criminal activity, alcohol and hard drugs after addiction but I cant solve this. I have even fallen into this sin during Ramadan and that dark hardness in my heart has become the norm, I always pray and try to do good deeds and help muslims when I can, in fact I am trusted so much and regarded a very good brother, the last person you would suspect of such a thing, before I used to feel like a munafiq but now I am passed that stage.
I have to say that I agree that this sin is very rarely solved by taking additional wives, in fact I would advise against it as you will probably affect these sisters lives negatively if you cannot solve the problem. It is a psychological addiction and not a physical need that drives this. In fact the longer you stay away from it the less you seem to need it, although it is always there in the background. I am now in my thirties and this is so very bad, I am worried that I will continue like this till I die.. I genuinely don’t know what to do. Instead of being a positive factor for Islam and the muslims I have become something very low. What keeps me hanging on is that I remember how it felt being close to Allah, and think Allah guided me its not acceptable to lose your deen, but I do feel that the desire to do actual physical sins with women is getting stronger.
During this blessed moth I ask all of you to please make dua for me. I would appreciate advice, in fact I want to know what you think positive or negative.
Your Brother in Islam.
Goodmuslimbrother
September 18, 2008 at 2:59 PM
The Wahhabi Misanthrope
You are one of those men who’ll end up in hell no doubt and you’ll just drag other men stupid enough to follow you to hell as well.
You really are a messed up person if you think a man demanding sex from his wife five times a day is not rape. In fact a man demanding sex once is rape.
Also you forgot many issue:
1) a it’s HARAM for a man to demand sex but he has to approche her kindly
2) A woman can refuse sex if she’s not in the mood or her husband is treating her badly or she’s tired,ill stressed etc any of these affect the sexual desire of a woman so she can refuse sex
3)Martial rape exists it’s also haram on many levels i.e husband is not doing his duties if he is not kind to his wife in the bedroom(and other areas), it’s oppresion, it’s tyranny, even if she’s refusing for no reason it’s obligatory on a man to control himself and haram to force himself as it’s harm to force anyone to do something they don’t want to do.
So please Wahhabi Misanthrope get you’re facts right because you’re leading a lot of muslims to hell with your lies (another sin by the way).
Basil
July 6, 2009 at 10:36 AM
Any daleel for your fataatwa, ya shaikh?
Abu Bakr
September 18, 2008 at 7:22 PM
Jundub relates, Allah’s Messenger صلى الله عليه وسلم said, “A man said, ‘by Allah, Allah shall not forgive so-and-so.’ Thereupon, Allah عز وجل said, ‘Who is this who swears that I shall not forgive so-and-so? I have forgiven him and made your deeds void.'” [Muslim]
farooqui
August 5, 2012 at 11:00 AM
ALLAH knows best..who’ll go to heaven or hell,type the hadith but don’t get personal :)
Keep the Faith
September 27, 2008 at 11:18 PM
Asalamu Alaykum brothers QWerty and WM-
I dont know if you may know of this site or not: http://www.no-porn.com but I thought I’d share it with you after reading about this similar problem on another Muslim blog. Hopefully, it will help you as it helped many before you BOTH Muslims and Non-Muslims.
Anyways, I would strongly advise you to not lose your connection with Allah (swt). Keep the trust, tawakul, and sincerty in trying to come closer to Him by repentance. Even when you fall again, and slip—get back up and follow your sin with a good deed and 2 rakahs of tawbah.
I also suggest to continue your ibadaah in whatever field you are strong in; whether its dawah work, masjid volunteering, organization work, fasting, praying, etc. This helps alot with keeping one busy
A few things already mentioned, but worth repeating:
– Read quran everyday! Memorize, review, or just read! Dont leave this ever behind.
– Allocate time in the morning and evening for thikr, even if its just 5mins or 15 mins—Remembrance of Allah is a great protection for the believer
– Fast as many days as you can; hopefully this will keep your mind off
– Keep spending in the cause of Allah, charity and sadaqah—-making the intention and duaa everytime for Allah to help you
– Continue to pray the night prayer or qiyaam and while in sujood plead to Allah (swt) and make sincere tawbah
– Get your mind off of this by keeping busy with projects, ibadah, family trips/outings, volunteering, etc.
– Everytime you sin, DONATE $50 or more of charity. Make a pact with yourself, and inshAllah this will deter you from continously or at least doing it more frequently. You dont want to lose all that money before your next paycheck comes in……………………
Then,
1) MAKE A PLAN! ……………………organize all these tips and advice, and get yourself a goal oriented plan. Get a notebook or calender and monitor your progress—maybe when you see how many weeks or days you’ve gone without it will be a form of motivation to keep going;
2) Restrict your internet access by either having a password, software block these sites, or no internet at home.
3) Strengthen your relationship with your family and friends
4) Follow up with sites like the one given above for anonymous help that is available for free
5) Make duaa after every salah, every athan, and before Maghrib!!!!!
Finally,
Know we are all making duaa for you, and that you are in good hands, iA. If you are sincere then Allah (swt) WILL help you and he will not forsake you. He is your Rabb who loves you and loves to reach out to his servants who ask Him.
When you feel weak, always seek refuge from Shaytaan from all evil including that of your nafs. Remember Hellfire and the punishment of Allah (swt). I know of stories when young men would put their hands over a candle or fire or over a stove and feel the intensity of the burning heat when they felt shaky and needed a reminder.
Remember Death constantly. When your sleeping in the quiet darkness of the night, close your eyes and imagine the Angel of Death at your head looking at you and ordering your soul to come out. Are you prepared to meet your Lord?
And, ending on an optimistic note always have HOPE in Allah’s Mercy and forgiveness. For if Allah (swt) can forgive a man who killed 100 people and sincerely repented, he can forgive your sins too.
I leave you with these 2 beautiful hadiths.
The Prophet Muhammad (peace be upon him) once said, “Every son of Adam makes mistakes, and the best of those who make mistakes are those who repent”. (At-Tirmidhi)
From Anas, radiyallahu ‘anhu, who said: I heard the Messenger of Allah, sallallahu ‘alayhi wasallam, say: “Allah the Almighty has said: ‘O son of Adam, so long as you call upon Me, and hope in Me, I shall forgive you for what you have done, and I shall not mind. O son of Adam, were your sins to reach the clouds in the sky and were you then to ask forgiveness of Me, I shall forgive you. O son of Adam, were you to come to Me with an earthful of sins and were you then to face Me, without having associated anything with Me, I shall grant you an earthful of pardon.'”
[Recorded by Al-Tirmidhi]
syed saboor
September 28, 2008 at 11:27 AM
You stupid people, wake up! You want to get rid of porn, then realize who controls that industry. In one short word: Jews!
-“Deep Thoughts” brother? Can we pls get over the Jewish-world-control-conspiracy-theory? -Editor
MAD
January 25, 2010 at 1:48 AM
“Stupid people”…really bro? By realising who controls the industry, how does it help those hooked in this vice? You think o the day of judgement we can be excused by blaming those “who control the industry”? The whole purpose of our being placed on Earth is to be tested. There will be temptation of every kind, alcohol, women, gambling and more… we cant blame the industries for existing, we have to look at ourselves as individuals and understand how important it is for our own well-being on Earth as well as the aakhirah to resist disgusting and dangerous behaviour and to have a strong will and faith..otherwise we we WILL be held responsible for our actions..those who provide pork,wine,brothels will be held for thiers and we for ours…only a coward dodges the balme for his own weakness and lives in denial of any responsibilty!!
Anon
February 18, 2009 at 1:37 PM
Pornography is much less of a sin than the fear of discovery of pornography, and a woman’s hatred of it.
If a man, through watching porn, should learn that he has desires that are unusual, he should be upfront and talk with his wife about them. If she finds them to be not-pleasurable, they should attempt to find a compromise [if that involves watching porn TOGETHER, and the man imagining his wife doing things that are depicted, in order that he can find the most pleasure, I think that is a good thing].
Romance Novels are a form of pornography, and many women are addicted to them. It’s not just guys.
Pornography can also provide a less-sinful outlet for very, very bad desires, like pedophilia… I feel really sorry for anyone with that inclination.
Anotheranon
August 4, 2012 at 9:03 PM
this comment is absurd from an Islamic perspective
Shafkat
May 2, 2009 at 2:51 AM
As salaam alaykum,
I would like to share with my brothers and sisters this contribution from a recovering pornography addict ( picked up , with his permission – from a similar forum, which I hope you will all benefit from, InshaAllah. :
Ma asalaam
Shafkat
======================
Porn is the perfect addiction (much like the perfect storm):
1. It is accessible 24/7 (even in your imagination on the top of a mountain in Tibet!)
2. It is based on a constant, very strong biological drive (i.e., the urge for sexual intimacy is always present)
3. The base biological response mechanism is visual by nature and is designed to actually *be* a trigger
4. Triggers are everywhere
5. The drug (dopamine and some endorphins) have a psychological AND physical addiction capability
6. The stimulus-response distance is much shorter than other drugs (you can be stimulated and 2 minutes later have your drug)
7. Neural pathways form behavior patterns that are linked to basic biological drives and instinctive behaviors
8. The Pavlovian reinforcement is easily repeatable until the association is formed
9. Like any drug, the escalation factor required increasing amounts of dopamine which, in turn, requires escalating behavior
10. The addiction is easily concealed
11. The addiction is reinforced by many systems in society (boys will be boys)
12. It is an effective escape from anxiety and stressors
13. Multiple psychological factors can contribute to this addiction as an escape/coping mechanism
14. This addiction quickly forms a compulsive pathway
15. Repeated attempts to escape the addiction result in extreme cognitive dissonance, creating more anxiety, which feeds the addiction
16. The escape route is quite unclear and hard to find (not a lot of clear programs available)
17. Withdrawal symptoms are severe enough that victims are drawn forcefully bact to their addictive behaviors
18. Societal shame pushes addicts into the shadows where it’s nearly impossible to escape the addiction
Where do most people start their addiction? Ages 11-14 (puberty). How? They’re introduced to porn either by accident or through a mentor. Why? Curiosity and no coping skills to deal with hormonal drives.
I used to buy the model that I was here because of some deep-seated psychological injury from the past. That’s true. It’s also true that I’m here because of the other 18 reasons I just listed. This is a very complicated thing to unravel. But I don’t think you have to unravel it to break free. You just need to get a simple plan that addresses the issues in a way you can work with.
Ironically, we can start dealing with the underlying psychological issues much more effectively after we have reached a certain level of sobriety. The addictive “fog” seems to clear a little and we can see more clearly. So the first order of business,is to stop acting out.
These are just my opinions. I’m not a doctor, psychologist or renown philosopher. I only have 11 months behind me. So that this for what it’s worth.
-Mike
Anon
May 20, 2009 at 8:46 AM
This is a spiritual desease and like any other desease needs treatment by a doctor, so does this, A spiritual doctor, A Sheikh, A spiritual mentor.
Each case is individual yet in many ways the same.
A woman watching SRK on the box is no different than a man watching porn.
Both of these fall into the context of An nazar al zinal ain
A realization and understanding that a muslims imaan and taqwa actually revolves around his or her love for Allah (Jalla Jalaaluhu). The stronger your love for Allah , the less the desire to look at haraam and the less you look at haraam , the more your love for Allah will increase . Also an understanding of the harms in every haraam could make you think twice. This you will learn from a Sheikh.
Allah loves you and as soon as you turn to him in repentance he will show a manifestation of his attraction to you.
A meesage for each one of you , hate the sin, but love the sinner for the pleasure of Allah.
Disgusted Anon
September 9, 2009 at 12:45 AM
Porn is a disease which is corrupting our Muslim men and women.
I remember visiting Pakistan as a 16 yr old, heading out to the music store with a bunch of cousins all from the USA and UK. We were horrified when the owner turned over a complete bookshelf and it contained nothing but porn movies, books, uggghh.. we ran from there as fast as we could.. (This was in a perfectly upscale market in Lahore).
Fast forward 15 years. My sister was married a few yrs back to who we thought was a decent, God fearing individual who prayed 5 times a day..you get my drift. Well she went through what was supposed to be a new start with her husband, turned into her and our worst nightmare. From their first night of marriage together till their separation, he subjected her to such horrific, disgusting filth, which one cannot imagine. He apparently watched such filth, porn , he made her watch, made her do things to him, wanted her to have sex with his brother, his friends.. I could go on and on and on. After all that, and his ‘desire’ still nor diminished , he would go hook up with a prostitute, yes, they are available in Pakistan. We were unaware of my sisters problems; she did not want her family to know what she was going through. BTW, my sis is and still is one of the most pious, patient and humble human beings I have ever known, born and raised in the USA, with a BSc and MSc. Even though she was raised here, she thought it was her duty to do whatever her husband wanted her to do, no matter how it made her feel. Things came to light 6 months later ,when her husband dropped her at a relatives house ( we were back in US). Apparently his demands for her to have relations with his brother (also married) were met with severe resistance by her. My father and I flew back to Pakistan ASAP, and found out the horrific story. There are so many details, they are just too sick to mention. My Dad wanted to kill him; we asked my sis what she wanted to do. She said, if u send me back to him, I will have no choice but to end my life,and die as an Unbeliever. My sis husband and his family set out to defame my sisters character and virtue,and they went all out. From stories of how she did not know how to ‘take care’ of her husband, that she was not a virgin, etc etc. In the end Allaah swt was on her side; it went through court, she stood her ground and was granted a divorce. We as a family can never understand what she went through. Five years later, my sister will not attend wedding functions of any sort, and has made it very clear she is not interested in remarrying. After returning to the USA she sat down with our Dad,and told him things which I do not know. My Dad wept for days and days.
What do you do about this? I would not wish this on anyone.. May Allah swt keep us on the Straight path, and never lead us astray. This world has so much fitna and filth, we wonder how we can be immune from it all.
Only Allah swt can help us,, those who suffer from this sickness and madness, only they can help themselves.
I am grateful for the anonymity this forum gives me, otherwise I would not have mentioned OUR story.
Wasalaam
Amad
September 9, 2009 at 12:59 AM
This is a horrible story. But our firm belief is that justice will prevail, and the man who inflicted this upon your sister will get his “reward” in the duniya and/or akhira.
For the believer, there is goodness in both the good and bad events of life. May Allah make these horrible events become a source of forgiveness of sins for your sister, and increase her rank in the jannah, and if and when she is ready, give your sister a pious husband.
wasalam
Mohammad Umeed
September 9, 2009 at 4:53 PM
I have a friend who recently asked me a very free minded question in the view of islam.
As im in a very small age im curious to know abt it.As a muslim.
He asked if “sperms fall at night wile sleeping wile i dont want it to come out” will my fast break??
And when im emotional very light sperms comes out which is very dificult for me to control.I want to control it but cant…
Will anyone give me answers of these question plz…I will be waitin!!!!
Amad
September 10, 2009 at 1:09 AM
Mohammad, wet dreams do not break fasts, as they are out of a person’s control generally speaking.
For more details, see this: http://www.islam-qa.com/en/ref/14014
There is no harm in asking such questions as Islam recognizes human nature.
Mohammad Umeed
September 10, 2009 at 8:48 AM
Dear brother Amad thankin u from heart..–
ok i got my 1st answer but what about my second question..well im askin again!!
will it invalidate our fast if we get-wet due to emotions or anyother reason not while sleepin….??
means if anyones “semens (only the light fluid) not sperms” out cums without anyones intention due 2 sum emotions and other reason will it affect our fast….???remember not wile sleepin
Plz make me clear about it….
I will be waiting!!!
Plz help me!!!
God bless all!!
Ahmad AlFarsi
September 10, 2009 at 10:54 AM
assalaamu alaykum wa rahmatullaah, Mohammad,
There are 2 kinds of fluids that are emitted, akhi. In Arabic they are called Madhiyy and Maniyy. Madhiyy is the light, preseminal fluid that is emitted when a person is thinking of sexual thoughts. I’m pretty sure this is the fluid you are referring to. Emission of this fluid, whether intentional or unintentional, whether while awake or asleep, will never break your fast. Nor does its emission require ghusl. The scholars are unanimously agreed on this. The emission of this liquid does however nullify one’s wudoo and it is considered najas (filthy). So if this is emitted, one needs to make wudoo before praying, and he needs to remove it from his body and rinse it from his clothing. (scholars usually say that simply rinsing a light amount of water over the area of clothing will be sufficient to purify clothing from madhiyy.)
Maniyy, on the other hand, is actual semen. It is not emitted from thinking about sexual thoughts, but only with an actual orgasm, and it gushes out in spurts. I am certain you were not referring to this fluid in your above question. The emission of this fluid requires ghusl (a full bath) to be made, and if it is emitted intentionally (not in a wet dream) during the fasting hours, then it would invalidate one’s fast. (There is a very small minority of scholars that say that the intentional emission of maniyy without intercourse does not invalidate one’s fast, but this is an extreme minority opinion.) There are 2 opinions on whether or not maniyy is najas. The opinion I believe to be stronger is that it is not najas, however the other opinion is also valid (that it is najas). In any case, it is almost always accompanied by madhiyy beforehand, so to be safe, it should be cleaned from one’s clothing and body (because the madhiyy that may have been with it is najas).
In any case, whatever happens at night time (before fajr and after maghrib), in regards to these issues, will have no effect on the validity of one’s fast during the day time.
I apologize if some of the language may seem explicit, but we have no need to be shy of matters that directly affect the practice of our deen. And this is the same verbage the scholars use publicly in their rulings. See this link for more details inshaAllah:
http://www.islamqa.com/en/ref/2458
Mohammad Umeed
September 10, 2009 at 4:19 PM
Thnx a lots!!
syed saboor
November 5, 2009 at 7:43 AM
We are missing the point here. Muslim women are to blame. So many of our sisters want to be career women nowadays. They do not wan to take care of the children. Feminism at its worst!
A
November 7, 2009 at 7:18 AM
@SYED SABOOR
HOW DARE YOU BLAME MUSLIM WOMEN???THAT IS PATHETIC!!!
THERE ARE BROTHERS HERE WHO ARE ADMITTING THEIR PROBLEM MOST OF WHOM HAD IT BEFORE THEY EVEN MARRIED AND IT STARTED IN TEENS AND YOU HAVE A GREAT NERVE TO BLAME THE MUSLIM WOMEN????
NOWADAYS MANY A MUSLIM WOMEN WORK BECAUSE THEY WANT TO HELP THEIR HUSBANDS AND TO RELIEVE THE PRESSURE OF BREADWINNING IN THE CURRENT EXPENSIVE TIMES WE LIVE IN. WOMEN ARE JUGGLING HOMES, JOBS,HUSBANDS AND CHILDREN…WHY DO YOU RARELY FIND ANY OF THESE EXHAUSTED WOMEN ESCAPING INTO A WORLD OF PORN?
WHEN THEIR HUSBANDS DONT FULFILL THEM OR THEIR INLAWS TROUBLE THEM OR THEY HAVE ANY OTHER OTHER PROBLEM YOU HARDLY FIND A MUSLIM WOMAN DOING TURNING TO PORN!!
THEIR IS NO GOD-DAMN EXCUSE FOR TURNING TO PORN…EVEN IF A BROTHER HAS AN UGLY, MEAN,CRUEL WIFE HE CAN GET ANOTHER ONE…PORN AND GOING TO PROSTITUTES IS NOT JUSTIFIABLE AND AND IT CANNOT BE BLAMED ON ANYONE EXCEPT THE ONE WHO IS DISGUSTING AND WEAK AND HAS NO SELF RESPECT OR LOYALTY AND A VERY VERY WEAK FAITH!IT IS A BETRAYAL AND IS THE SAME AS CHEATING ON YOUR WIFE WHETHER ITS CYBER SEX,DIRTY TALK OR ACTING OUT WITH STRANGERS…ANYONE WHO DOES THESE THINGS IS CHEATING AND IS RESPONSIBLE FOR THEIR OWN ACTIONS AND WEAKNESS!
READ THIS THREAD AGAIN AND SEE HOW MANY WOMEN STAND BY THEIR HUSBANDS, HOW MANY HUSBANDS SAY THEY HAVE S”ATTRACTIVE, SEXY SUPORTIVE WIVES” WHO ARE THE LOVE OF THEIR LIFE YET THIS WEAKNESS IN THE MEN THEMSELF LEADS THEM TO PORN AND SATANIC BEHAVIOUR…NOT THE WIVES!
HOW MANY MEN WOULD STAND BY THE WIFE IF THE SHOE WAS ON THE OTHER FOOT??AND HOW MANY WOULD HUMILIATE AND RUN?WOMEN ARE MORE MERCIFUL AND COMPASSIONATE THAN MEN, THEY ARE MORE EMOTIONAL AND SOFTER HEARTED…AND YOU BLAME THEM!!!
READ ABOVE…EVEN WHEN THE WIVES KNOW ABOUT THEIR HUSBANDS AND FEEL SICK THEY TAKE THEIR MARRIAGE SERIOUSLY AND PUT THEIR TRUST IN THEIR LORD AND FOCUS ON GETTING THEIR HUSBAND BACK ON TRACK. NO WIFE ANTICIPATES FINDING A HUSBAND SUCKED INTO THIS SORDID AND SINISTER WORLD OF PORN, YET MOST WIVES DO NOT WALK OUT…SO YOU PONDER OVER THAT BEFORE YOU BLAME MUSLIM WOMEN!! IF IT HAPPENED THAT YOUR SISTERS HUSBANDS WERE INTO THIS BEHAVIOUR…WOULD YOU BLAME YOUR SISTERS?
WOULD YOU PUT UP WITH SOME GUY BLAMING YOUR SISTERS FOR HIS OWN UNMANLINESS?
EVERYONE IS ACCOUNTABLE FOR THEIR OWN BEHAVIOUR…PEOPLE WHO ARE INTO THIS FILTH ARE IN TROUBLE AND IN NEED OF HELP BUT THEY CAN ONLY GET IT IF THEY ADMIT THEY HAVE A PROBLEM WHICH THEY ARE SOLELY RESPONSIBLE FOR.IF THEY WANT TO BLAME OTHERS, I DONT THINK THEY EVEN DESERVE HELP!!
PEOPLE LIKE YOU WHO MAY OR MAY NOT BE INTO PORN….YOU ARE FAR WORSE IN MY OPINION BECAUSE YOU BLAME “MUSLIM WOMEN” INSTEAD OF THE PERPETRATORS OF THESE DISGUSTING FAWAHISH. YOU DONT WANT TO EVEN CONTEMPLATE THAT MEN (AND WOMEN) ARE RESPONSIBLE FOR THEIR OWN WRONGDOINGS…BLAMING OTHERS OR JUSTIFYING SOMETHING WHICH IS CLEARLY WRONG IN ANY CULTURE/RELIGION ON ANY LEVEL…THAT IS WRONG…IF YOU HAVE THIS ADDICTION I HOPE YOU ARE NOT THALIM ENOUGH TO BLAME YOUR POOR WIFE….A MUSLIM MMAN CAN CALL HIS WIFE TO BED ANY TIME AND SHE HAS TO COMPLY AND MOST MUSLIM WOMEN ENJOY MAKING LOVE AND ARE IN NEED OF AFFECTION AS US MEN….SO IT WOULDNT BE AN ISSUE AND IF IT IS TALK TO HER, DONT BLAME HER FOR YOUR INTEREST IN HEINOUS DISGUSTING BEHAVIOUR!!!
I HOPE YOU OR ANYONE ELSE WHO BLAMES OUR SISTERS FOR THEIR OWN EVIL SINS AND TRY TO JUSTIFY IT WHEN IT CLEARLY IS NOT JUSTIFIABLE…I HOPW YOU REALISE ONE DAY YOU WILL STAND BEFORE YOUR CREATOR WHO WILL QUESTION WHAT YOU DID….
WILL YOU REALLY BE ABLE TO BLAME YOUR WIVES ON THAT DAY INFRONT OF THE ONE WHO KNOWS THE TRUTH AND WHAT IS IN YOUR HEART????
IF I APPEAR HARSH I APOLOGISE YOU TOUCHED A VERY RAW NERVE. A BROTHER OF MINE “RESPECTABLE”, GREAT JOB, GREAT LIFE, A PERFECT WIFE…THREW IT ALL AWAY FOR THIS ADDICTION.THE PAIN CAUSED TO THE TOTALLY INNOCENT SISTER WAS DEVASTATING.HE IS MY FRIEND, MY BROTHER BUT I CANNOT FORGIVE WHAT HE PUT THAT GIRL THROUGH, SHE WAS A GOOD MUSLIM WHO CARED FOR AND RESPECTED HIM LIKE NO OTHER.BOTH OF THEM SEPARATELY SOUGHT MY ADVICE FOR THEIR MARITAL DFFICULTIES. SHE KNEW ABOUT HIS ADDICTION AND CONFIDED IN ME,SHE WANTED ME TO GUIDE HIM WITHOUT LETTING ON I KNEW ABOUT HIS VICE BECAUSE SHE CARED SO MUCH AND DID NOT WISH HIM TO FEEL ASHAMED OR HUMILIATED..DESPITE HOW AWFULLY HE TREATED HER…SO WHEN HE WOULD CONFIDE IN ME AS HIS FRIEND,BROTHER AND A STUDENT OF DEEN, I WOULD ADVISE HIM AS BEST I COULD AND NEVER BROKE MY PROMISE TO HIS WIFE…IT MEANT THAT WHEN HE STARTED TO BLAME HER AND MAKE UNFAIR COMMENTS ABOUT HER, BECAUSE OF HER PROMISE I COULD NOT TELL HIM I KNEW THE TRUTH AND I COULD NOT DEFEND HER AND IN THE END HE MISTREATED HER AND DIVORCED HER UNJUSTLY. TILL THE VERY END UNTIL NOW SHE NEVER LET ME OPEN UP TO HIM ABOUT THE WRONGS HE WAS DOING BECAUSE SHE CARED THAT MUCH ABOUT HOW IT WOULD AFFECT HIM AND HUMILIATE HIM AND MAY AFFECT ALSO MY FRIENDSHIP WITH HIM, SHE MADE EVERY EFFORT SHE COULD TO PREVENT HIM TURNING TO WRONGS BUT WITHOUT JUDGING, HUMILIATING OR REPRIMANDING HIM….IN TURN SHE WAS HUMILIATED, HURT AND HAD TO SACRIFICE HER OWN HAPPINESS AND LOVE …AS A MAN I FEEL ASHAMED OF THE THINGS SOME OF US BROTHERS SAY AND DO, WE SHOULD PRAY FOR ALL OUR SISTERS SUFFERING IN SILENCE…NOT PLACE BLAME ON THEM!
X
February 3, 2010 at 3:29 PM
You don’t appear harsh my friend, just sounds like you have strong points to make.
It is incredible how our lives tie in with each others and how the actions of one can have lasting effects on another! Ya Allah protect us from harming ourselves and others!Ameen.
The sister you speak of should be made aware of the recent post on this site re: Surah Yusoof, so she and others in such heartbreaking situations can look forward inshaAllah to the taste of sweet patience inshaAllah. Ameen
ummaasiyah
November 8, 2009 at 6:44 PM
I suggest you really analyse what you’re saying here. My initial thoughts on your post tell me that you’re trying to wind a few people up and start up a little argument.
Whilst that may or may not be true, I do believe you should not make sweeping statements like that and to be perfectly honest, career, children and feminism are not AT ALL related to the topic of porn-addiction within a Muslim marriage. They are totally and completely irrelevant.
Tell me something…why would a Muslim woman be to blame for her husband’s porn addiction? I would like a completely honest answer.
If you truly believe that porn-addiction is a manifestation of a man’s desires not being met by a career-obsessed, child-hating Muslim woman (a paradox at its height!), then you have another think coming. I will never know the true reasons for porn addiction…I can only guess it may well be out of boredom. But to say that Muslim women are to blame is not fair. You should rethink your statement and try to put yourself in the shoes of a porn addict.
In fact, I find this statement so ridiculous because I am sitting here imagining the feelings of a decent, God-fearing, practicing Muslim man who has just been rejected sex by his wife and from my feeble knowledge of men, I believe it would go along the lines of:
“My wife just denied me sex…perhaps I should ask her what’s up…maybe she’s not well…or maybe I’m not good enough…I should talk to her about this. But what if she laughs at me? I’m not sure whether I should speak to her about this. Where am I going wrong? Do I smell or something? Maybe we need a sex counsellor.”
I doubt the thought process would be:
“OMG…my wife just denied me sex…oh well, let’s go and watch porn instead!!”
I know the latter seems more likely, but just as marriage, love and romance cause women’s thinking to go into overdrive…so does a man’s thought process when sex doesn’t go the way as planned.
Don’t blame Muslim women…look at your own selves first.
ummaasiyah
November 8, 2009 at 6:23 PM
Reading the stories on here from qwerty, aya and Disgusted Anon brought me to tears. I cannot imagine what you all must be going through and even if I put myself in your shoes, it would make me weep more than anything else I can think of. To hear that loving marriages are suffering at the hands of Shaytaan angers and saddens me at the same time and it makes me wish that there is something that I could do for you all.
Even as I sit here typing, I’m having trouble holding back my tears for you and I can only make du’a that Allah(swt) gives you all patience and strength.
To Disgusted Anon…I would not be able to put myself in your sister’s shoes, but as a woman, my understanding would only skim the surface of her situation. And I can only pray that justice will be served, insha’Allah. I cannot imagine how your father must have felt and imagining myself telling my parents the atrocities suffered is making me cry again…may Allah(swt) grant your family reward for their patience and may He bestow His Mercy upon you all. Ameen.
To qwerty, please hang in there. Your wife still loves you. She also wants things to be back to the way they were. From what you’ve written about her, she seems like a very strong and understanding woman, and perhaps showing sincere efforts on your part to give up and try to work on your marriage may only strengthen your relationship. Please do not lose heart. Please do not give up on your relationship with your wife. Please do not fall into the trap of Shaytaan who’s biggest win is when he splits up a husband and wife. It means that he has succeeded and results in the shattered foundations of Islamic society.
To aya, I cannot fathom the depths of your feelings, but I can only give you support as your sister in Islam and make du’a for you.
To everyone, only you know the truth of your situations and the depths of your emotions. Only you can make the most sincere du’a for yourselves and your family. We are here for you, but only you know your situation and Allah (swt) loves to hear His servants ask from Him. He will never let raised hands in supplication fall back empty.
May Allah(swt) bestow His Mercy upon us all and keep us guided on the Straight Path. Ameen.
NO-NAME
December 17, 2009 at 8:41 AM
Thanks to Almighty Allah who has bestowed His mercy on me and let me discover this helpful site.
I have read all the comments and some of the comments touched my heart so much that it made we cry. I am a 22 years old male who like many of you got into the trap of porn. My experience is very similar to Qwerty. Only Allah knows how much self loath I have for me and how much worthless I feel at times. I cried to Allah for this sin many times! I beseeched for his mercy in prayer, in sujood, after jumaa prayers, during ramadaan. I can remain off this fitnah for some time (say one month or two) and then fall back again for two or three days. Then I remain off from it for months. This vicious cycles has has created extreme burden on my mind.
I really want to get rid of it and I hope that the advice of this website will help me. I try my best to be a practicing Muslim. I read in a co-ed American university and still I always quickly lower my gaze as soon as I see a girl. But sometimes my urges become so strong that I fall back to porn. Aside from prayer, dua and reciting quran, I want to do continuous fasting, but the problem is my mother. She would not allow me to fast nor can I explain why I want to fast. I sincerely believe that a marriage would be helpful, for I never ever had any relation with any girl before and I have always been vigorous when it comes to lower the gaze. My only problem is looking into porn occasionally. Plus I always dream to start a new life where there will be no self loathing, lack of confidence and feeling of worthlessness in my life and where I will have someone to intimately to share my success and pains like my friends do share with their girl friends after getting accolades. But unfortunately, I will not marry through love marriage as it is against the teachings of Islam and my mom believes that boys should marry when they are 28-29. Only if she knew how much his son is struggling to remain in the path of deen al Islam.
Amad
December 17, 2009 at 11:03 AM
May Allah assist you “NO-NAME”… you seem very sincere mashallah. Please read this post:
http://muslimmatters.org/2007/04/03/pearls-from-the-sunnah-1/
Inshallah, it will help you remain firm, even if the cycles keep repeating forever audhubillah. There is still such a reward in each repentance cycle.
Sola
January 9, 2010 at 3:37 AM
Salam,
InshaALLAH, may His mercy surrounds those who are struggling with sex addiction in any form.
This site offers useful advice.
http://www.sexualcontrol.com/index.php
best thoughts and prayers
bro
January 24, 2010 at 4:15 PM
thanks for link!
farah
February 22, 2010 at 9:39 AM
Assalamo alaikum brothers and sisters,
I have been going through most of the comments based on this subject the only thing i want to know is why do the fingers always point on us women??? Firstly marriage should be based on love and respect and understanding each other…. If the man beats his wife then forces himself on to the wife for sex isn’t that marital rape??? Women have rights to say NO….And if a man goes to watch pornography there is no sin on that women but it is on the man who has no control on himself…. We all are answerable to our own deeds…
Tiriolo
March 21, 2010 at 11:38 PM
Gossiping about sex lives is about as unmanly as a person can get. The constant talk about sex with Muslims put me off to Islam for a while when I was a non Muslim. The Muslims would always be talking about how so and so is sleeping around, I would be like I never seen people having sex in public, so I have no idea what their sex life is about. Sex is a private matter that usually involves two people, anyone else opinion on the matter is gossip. I don’t care about a Muslim or kafirs sex life, it aint my business. The only time I was propositioned by a homosexual was by a “Muslim.” There was an Arab from Jordan who I shared the same major with, so we ended up in a lot of the same classes and became friendly. Nearing midterms one semester we were studying at his apartment, so during a break from studying were drinking tea and lounging on the sofa, I start to notice he is staring at my crouch. I was shocked and didn’t know what to say, and he ask me if I’d ever had oral sex performed on me by a boy, he wanted to perform this act on me. I say no, I’m not into that expletive expletive, and hastily gather my things to leave. I got out of there in hurry, but not before saying some unkind words and giving him a warning. If he would have tried something I think that would have been his last evening on earth. I’ve also corresponded with a few Muslim women on the internet who couldn’t have a conversation for more then five minutes without asking some question about sex like if I’m a virgin, or how big my “thing” is.
Pingback: Indigo Jo Blogs — A new light on the harms of porn
Latif
August 1, 2010 at 9:49 PM
ASA,
There is a Muslim life coach by the name of Zeyad Ramadan who specializes in helping Muslim men overcome their porn addiction. I highly recommend this brother as he is the only Muslim life coach that I know of that specializes in this field. Please check out his website at http://www.imancipate.com/ or you can email him at info@imancipate.com.
Salams,
Latif
saeed
January 19, 2011 at 12:44 AM
I often masturbate while watching pornography. My wife’s sex drive is simply not sufficient and I live in a country where multiple wives are not permitted. I am a very masculine man with an extremely high sex drive. Something I believe all good Muslims should be proud of. I believe that I should not force my wife into relations. I believe that the Koran states that seed should not be wasted. As semen dies, after a certain time in the scrotum it is recycled into the body, I believe that is a waste. Allah wants us to use all of the blessings that HE has bestowed upon us. Do not waste your seed. Enjoy it while looking at images of the Almighty’s beautiful creations. Swallow your own seed to let Allah’s greatest creation nourish your soul. Swallow not another man’s seed. Only your own. I will not beat my wife for lack of relations, as MANY of my relatives do. I will watch Allah’s creations and eat the seed of his benevolence. Consider it. Read. You will see that I am right. Praise Allah.
Amad
January 19, 2011 at 2:54 AM
Wow, that’s indeed an interesting way to justify watching haram and engaging in haram.
Why stop at watching porn, enjoy “Allah’s blessings” and have illicit relationships with other beautiful women? You see the issue? I know the sins are not equal, but it’s a slippery slope. You should work on convincing your wife before you destroy your own hereafter and also ultimately affect your relationship with her. Because your wife can never compete with “tuned” images of beautiful women!
Umar
January 19, 2011 at 7:47 PM
Admins, why was “saeed’s” moronic ignorant comment let through the filtering system. It is subtle mockery. Even if the guy is given the benefit of the doubt, who wants to read about his desire not to waste his seed by swallowing it?!
Refuting ignorance like this is pointless. Better to delete it…reminds me of something I think Imam Shafi said: I have never argued with an intelligent person except that I have won. I have never never argued with a foolish person except that I lost.
Actually I was wrong. His comment was not subtle mockery – it is a crystal clear attempt at “saeed” trying to share his perversion with others.
chemaatah
January 19, 2011 at 9:01 PM
i think so too. it’s the internet version of flashing. there are sickos out there who enjoy subjecting hapless passersby to their sick perversions-they enjoy the shock factor. and keeping it up here is allowing him to get to relive that, over and over. it’s a blatant violation of the trusting people who come to read what’s supposed to be wholesome content here and stumble across this.
US
January 19, 2011 at 5:24 PM
@Saeed
Your post is unbelievable and all this about “eating” and “swallowing” your “own seed”…seriously where are you getting this from??? MASTURBATION IS HARAM. PORN IS HARAM!!!!
I am sorry for sounding harsh but you are deluded and need to snap out of the mentality you hae adopted because not only do you have ne remorse for the sins you committ but you are “proud” snd consider them “manly” and praiseworthy actions and you are almost bragging about the sins!!!
What you are doing is committing “virtual fornication” and it is a form of being unfaithful to your wife becasue you are lusting and acting upon the lust for complete strnagers in a most perverse manner.
I assunme your wife does not know about your habits in which case if she ever finds out she will be devastated and you will add to your sins that of being traitor and unfaithful and hurting the woman entrusted to you by Allah!!!! If she does know and is tolerating it may Allah reward her patience!!! you are no saint just because you dont force or beat her to satisfy your “manly” desires…you would be more of a man to avoid the disgusting habits and control yourself!!!!! Coming on a thread like this where some people are trying to mend their ways and give up wrong and then “preaching” like masturbation and pornography is a “good” deed is despicably hypocritical!!!!! When you commit sins so often and feel no shame, Allah seals your heartr, he makes it blind and you really lose trackk of what is right and wrong… you need help from a learned muslim who will help you through sunnah and Quran and not made up sayings about seeds!!! again I apologise for being so hard on you but before I had to be blunt coz no-one should read your comment and believe what you are saying, it is wrong and I hope someone patient and truly GodFearing finds their way to you and helps you.
saeed
February 2, 2011 at 3:06 AM
You people are altogether wrong. Allah’s creations are meant to be used by MAN. Love your wife, but don’t be afraid to use her for your needs. Foreplay with women is HARAM. Porn is NOT. Oral and anal sex with women is HARAM. Masturbation is not, even mutual masturbation between two men is not HARAM. All sexual acts are permitted by the Koran in times of desperation. We all know of sexual acts between men (also men and boys), especially during war. Allah makes no judgement on such things. “A Martyr should not die unsatisfied” We should begin to read the Koran for the truth regarding our sexual responsibilities and privileges. Teach your sons how to be satisfied when with groups of men for long amount of time. It will be necessary. My Father taught me. I am teaching my sons. Teach yours’.
Shafkat
February 2, 2011 at 7:05 AM
As salaam alykum,
May Allah help all of us .. Ameen.
Please take time off and read this post by brother Zeyad Ramadhan:
‘A dear teacher of mine shaykh Yasir Qadhi has
started an online video series on healthy sexuality
in Islam called Like A Garment and I wanted to
share it with you.
Watch the video series here: http://www.likeagarment.net
One of the top mistakes I’m seeing today that is contributing
to the increase in the development of sexual addiction is turning
to the wrong sources to learn about sexual intimacy.
Our religion of Islam would NOT be a complete way of life if we
were not given guidance on the intricacies of our day-to-day life and
how we can enjoy healthy sexual intimacy and in the process come
closer to Allah subhanahu wa ta’ala.
Access the free video series here and learn about sexual intimacy
in Islam ========> http://www.likeagarment.net‘
Ma asalaam
jasmine
April 24, 2011 at 8:57 AM
tell that to some muslim religous saudis…hahahahahahaha
Recovered Addict
September 19, 2012 at 1:42 AM
This is a message for those posting of their pornography addictions. There are ways to overcome this immoral addiction. Your doctor can prescribe you medication that lessens your sex drive in a way that makes pornography and masturbation seem unattractive. Many anti-depressants will severely limit or erase your porn addiction. Also hydrocodone will eliminate your pornography addiction with very few other side affects.
These medications can stop you from being constantly aroused and excited by pornography and every scantily-clad woman you see walking around, and they will still allow you to have sex with your wife when you and she desire this union. Ask your doctor to prescribe you something to help you overcome your masturbatory impulses. Citalopram and Vicodin have helped me stop looking at or being aroused by pornography. And I am still able to have sex with my wife to have more children.
aprilia
January 1, 2014 at 11:46 PM
I read a discussion and honestly took me contributions from life. redistillation name of Allah constantly and artificial piety and other contributions, to my fake. porn brought to life some of the problems such as addiction, but basically helps lonely, frustrated and dissatisfied over falsehood. problem is that some do not understand that porn is not real life, just business … Porn not considered the greatest evil for Muslims. what destroys your sexuality is essentially immoral female circumcision. circumcised women do not need to meet the needs of men. porn is not a problem, but lack of sexual desire and routine in marriages …