Dear Struggling and Distressed Muslim,

This letter was meant for you. Yes, you specifically. The one who has been struggling and not understanding why it is not working out. The one who has seen countless members of your family and friends “getting ahead” and sailing through this stage of life. The one whose pain is not as visible or discussed in our communities, despite the pain striking and settling at the core of your heart, as you feel you have been left behind. This is regarding your pain from infertility and the struggle of not being able to have a child.

Know that you are not alone. There are millions who are dealing with the same exact problem. But you have something that many do not: the Ultimate Supporter and Creator of the Universe is with you.

Infertility is not a sign of Allah’s Displeasure, but rather a test. As with every test, everyone advises patience; yet, sincerely practicing patience is difficult. It is however a choice and an action. How we actively practice patience will inshaAllah bring peace and blessings to our hearts and lives. While I cannot take away your pain and struggles, what I can offer is advice to remind you of some actions that can be taken to strengthen your relationship with Our Creator and perhaps be blessed by Him with children. 

Advice #1: Seek forgiveness from Allah and repent from sin

We all fall short of our duty to Allah SWT and we all make mistakes. Even if we fulfill the obligations, did we fulfill them to a level that is befitting the Lord of the Universe? But, by the Mercy of Allah SWT, He SWT still may accept our broken actions. 

Allah SWT created us so that we would turn back to Him SWT after we slip. What’s also interesting is that asking forgiveness from Allah SWT for those same mistakes is directly linked to certain blessings.

A man once came to al-Hasan al-Basri and complained to him: “The sky does not shower us with rain.” He replied: “Seek Allah’s forgiveness (i.e. say أستغفر ألله).”

Then another person came to him and said, “I complain of poverty.” He replied: “Seek Allah’s forgiveness.”

Then another person came to him and complained, “My wife is barren; she cannot bear children.” He replied: “Seek Allah’s forgiveness.”

The people who were present said to al-Hasan: “Everytime a person came to you complaining, you instructed them to seek Allah’s forgiveness?”

Al-Hasan al-Basri said, “Have you not read the statement of Allah? ‘saying, ‘Seek your Lord’s forgiveness, ˹for˺ He is truly Most Forgiving. He will shower you with abundant rain, supply you with wealth and children, and give you gardens as well as rivers.’”(71:10-12)

So given that asking for forgiveness is one of the best ways to have a child, what is the one of the best ways to ask for forgiveness?

The Prophet SAWS taught us Sayyid al-Istighfar – the master dua for forgiveness.,,,. I would highly recommend memorizing it and repeating it often.

Finally, an important part of seeking forgiveness is to leave the sins that we are knowingly committing. While we cannot eliminate every mistake, we can at least do our best to leave the things we know we are doing that are crossing the boundaries of Allah SWT. 

Advice #2: Internalize the Quran

The Quran was sent as a mercy to mankind and the way to expel darkness from our hearts and lives as we go through the trials of life. But when we only focus on reading it without reflection, especially as non-Arab speakers, we miss many subtleties and messages. 

Do these 2 things and you will see how your perception of the Quran will change and how peace will enter your heart:

1. Make yourself the audience of the verses you are reading. Do not just read the story of Musa AS and think of it as a nice history lesson. Internalize the message as if the Quran is speaking to you and that the verses revealed were revealed specifically for you. If there are verses about arrogance, ask yourself – are you arrogant? If there are verses about patience, ask yourself – are you patient? And so on and so forth.
2. Pay attention to the Names of Allah SWT that are used in the verses. Allah SWT is the Greatest writer and storyteller and every word and Name He SWT places is placed in a very specific location for a reason. Reflect regarding what the verse is saying to YOU and why that specific name of Allah SWT is being used. More on the names of Allah SWT in the next section.

Advice #3: Elevate your Dua

There’s so much that can be said regarding dua but I will just focus on a few aspects that may not always be at the front of our minds: the etiquettes of making dua so that we can elevate our dua and ask Allah SWT in the dignified manner that is deserving of Him SWT.

The first etiquette is regarding what we should say before we start making dua to Allah SWT. Specifically, praising Him SWT and sending durood (peace and blessings) on the Prophet SAWS.

The second etiquette is the consistency needed when making dua. I’ve been guilty of this where I make dua and expect that my problem will be immediately solved. But dua doesn’t always work like Amazon Prime. I personally know a couple who had multiple miscarriages and it took almost 10 years for them to have their first child. We have to remember that Allah SWT knows and decides what the best timeline is for everything. 

The third etiquette I want to mention is calling on Allah SWT by His SWT different names and attributes. 

Specifically, some names that come to mind are:

• Al-Kareem and Al-Wahab – the One who is the Most Generous and Gives the best of gifts
• Al-Qadeer and Al-Azeez – there is absolutely no problem we can ever have that will be more powerful or unable to be solved by the Almighty and All-Powerful
• Al-Lateef – the One who knows and understands every small detail and nothing is hidden from Him SWT – there is nothing you are going through, no matter how well it’s hidden from the creation, that Al-Lateef doesn’t already know in the most intricate of detail
• Al-Jabbar – the One who can mend your broken heart while you suffer through the pain

The fourth etiquette is to mention your weaknesses to Allah SWT and never be disappointed in making dua to Allah SWT. Zakaria AS also made dua to Allah SWT for a child but look how he started his dua:

“˹This is˺ a reminder of your Lord’s mercy to His servant Zachariah, when he cried out to his Lord privately, saying, “My Lord! Surely my bones have become brittle, and grey hair has spread across my head, but I have never been disappointed in my prayer to You, my Lord!” (19:2-4)

Zakaria AS knew that his state of being didn’t matter – the Lord of the Worlds could change anything and everything if He SWT wills. He went decades without children but remained optimistic in having a child. This is also part of consistency – you cannot lose hope in Allah SWT because even if you do not receive what you asked for, remember that Allah SWT gave or will give you something equivalent or better. This is part of surrendering to Allah SWT: do not focus on what you can realistically do, but focus on what the Lord and Creator of the Worlds can do. Allah SWT made the rules of the world we live in, including our own medical states, and He SWT can do whatever He SWT wills. 

The next etiquette I will mention is to take advantage of the times where dua is accepted. These include:

• The last third of the night
• Between the adhan and iqaamah
• When it is raining
• When in sujud
• When traveling
• A fasting person as they break their fast

Now what is a practical way to implement some of these etiquettes of dua? Here is a game plan inspired by the dua of the mother of Imam Bukhari and of the legendary hero Salahuddin while he defended Jerusalem from the Crusaders:

1. Wake up during the last 1/3 of the night, especially on Friday night about 30-45 minutes before fajr and pray 2 rakaats and make a long dua during sajdah (remember that in the Islamic week, Friday night starts on Thursday after maghrib)
2. Go to the masjid, especially on Friday morning, right before fajr adhaan
3. Combine the intention to pray 2 rakaats sunnah of fajr, sunnah of entering masjid, and sunnah in between adhaan and iqaamah and make dua during sajdah
4. Make dua right after fajr salah after you’ve done the adhkaar after salah
5. Consistently repeat this at least once a week, if not daily

During your dua complain of your own poverty to Allah SWT and how you have done everything you possibly can but there is nothing else you can do. Keep knocking on Allah SWT’s door, just like Imam Bukhari’s mother. Imam Bukhari was born almost blind and his mother would spend her nights making dua for her son’s eyesight to be restored.

For 2-3 years she didn’t stop. She kept knocking on Allah SWT’s door. She didn’t lose hope or give up. Just kept knocking and asking for a medical miracle from Al-Shafi.

Then one night, she saw Prophet Ibrahim AS in a dream who told her because of her persistent dua, her son’s eyesight had been restored. Imam Bukhari would go on to author the most authentic book ever written by man, leaving behind a legacy of scholarship that still endures over 1,000 years later. 

This is the power of dua. Not because of what you can do. But because of what Allah SWT can. 

There are many other things that can be done to elevate one’s dua, as these etiquettes are just the beginning. But the crux of dua is recognizing that Allah SWT is in control and we need Him SWT. When we show and verbalize our need to Allah SWT and show that we are not self-sufficient but rather completely reliant on Him SWT, we hope He SWT will shower His Mercy and Bounties upon us. And just like anything in life, if we continue to do the same thing over and over again the exact same way, dua can start feeling mundane and even empty so I hope implementing some of these etiquettes can revitalize and reenergize our dua again.

Advice #4: Durood (sending peace and blessings on the Prophet SAWS)

The most honored and beloved creation of Allah SWT is the Prophet SAWS to the point where loving him SAWS is literally part of our faith. And Allah SWT is the King of all kings so imagine how high the status of the Prophet SAWS is.

“Indeed, Allah showers His blessings upon the Prophet, and His angels pray for him. O  believers! Invoke Allah’s blessings upon him, and salute him with worthy greetings of peace.” (33:56)

The reason why I put durood as its own category is because of this hadith:

Ubayy ibn Ka’b reported: I said, “O Messenger of Allah, I send blessings upon you often. How many of my prayers should be for blessings upon you?” The Prophet said, “As you wish.” I said, “A fourth?” The Prophet said, “As you wish, but more is better for you.” I said, “A half?” The Prophet said, “As you wish, but more is better for you.” I said, “Two-thirds?” The Prophet said, “As you wish, but more is better for you.” I said, “Should I say all of my prayers for blessings upon you?” The Prophet said, “If so, your worries will be resolved, and your sins will be forgiven.” (Tirmidhi)

This isn’t to say we shouldn’t ask and make dua for what we want but it’s just a point of how much blessings there are just sending peace and blessings on the Prophet SAWS. It could be that Allah SWT appreciates so much that you send peace and blessings on the Prophet SAWS, the most beloved creation to Allah SWT, instead of asking for your own needs, that He SWT solves your problems and rewards you for it too. Do we really think that any problem in the world can withstand so many blessings coming from Allah SWT?

Advice #5: Practice gratitude

Often, when we are struggling with something difficult, patience is what is recommended. But the fact of the matter is, sincere patience requires something even before that: gratitude. 

Allah SWT told us in the Quran: ˹Consider˺ when Moses said to his people, “Remember Allah’s favour upon you when He rescued you from the people of Pharaoh, who afflicted you with dreadful torment—slaughtering your sons and keeping your women. That was a severe test from your Lord. And ˹remember˺ when your Lord proclaimed, ‘If you are grateful, I will certainly give you more. But if you are ungrateful, surely My punishment is severe.’” (14:6-7)

The Bani Isra’eel, after being tested with hundreds of their babies being murdered by Firawn, are not being told to be patient. They are being advised to be grateful. Ponder this profound point. Why would Allah SWT and Musa AS advise them on gratitude and remembering the blessings they have? Does not patience in this scenario make more sense?

The only way to practice sincere patience is to first appreciate all the blessings Allah SWT has already given us. Only then will we find the strength to sincerely endure the hardships we are facing for the sake of Allah SWT. 

And for those who think, “What blessings do I even have to be grateful for?”, consider these questions:

• Would we trade even one of our eyes for Elon Musk’s trillion dollar pay package?
• Would we trade our warm beds for living in makeshift tents during the freezing, wet winter of Gaza while consistently being threatened by bombs and airstrikes? Or for a place in a Rohingya refugee camp?
• Would we trade the security of our lives for the constant violence, hunger, and humanitarian crises happening in Sudan and Lebanon? 
• Would we trade our freedom to practice our religion and beliefs for the religious and political persecution happening to Uyghurs in China or Muslims in Kashmir and India? 

None of this is to say that we don’t have problems or tests in life. But when we consider the enormous blessings Allah SWT has bestowed upon us, we would not trade our problems for anyone else’s across the world. 

Furthermore, not having a child does not mean you don’t already have a loving, supportive spouse – do we appreciate him/her as we should? Or do we wonder if things would have been better if we had married someone we could have children with? If so, we are failing at understanding that while children can be a beautiful part of marriage, not having children does not mean a marriage is any less successful or less full of love. The Prophet SAWS loved Aisha RA more than anyone else and their marriage serves as a role model for all of us. This is despite them not having any children together.

Another point that I want to mention is that if we are given children and one of them causes us to lose our faith, was that child really a blessing? This point is emphasized during the story of Musa AS and Khadr AS in Surah Al-Kahf. Khadr AS kills a child and later explains to Musa AS that Allah SWT wanted to replace that child with another one for the parents as the first child could have caused them to become kuffar and destroy their relationship with Allah SWT. Who is to say that if we are given a child that would not happen to us and Allah SWT is in fact protecting us from a greater evil?

As Imam Ahmad ibn Ata’ Allah al-Iskandari said, “What has he found who has lost Allah? And what has he lost who has found Allah?” 

The final point I will mention is that there will always be blessings given to others that we may never receive. At the same time, we have been given blessings in our lives that others can only dream of. This is by the decree of Allah SWT. So our focus should be on the blessings we have and how we can maximize them in pursuit of pleasing Allah SWT. 

As Prophet SAWS told us, “Know that whatever happens to you could never miss you, and whatever misses you could never reach you.” (al-Mu’jam al-Kabīr)

Advice #6: Increase your good deeds

Part of showing and practicing gratitude to Allah SWT is to obey Him SWT and fulfill the obligations He SWT ordained on us. But, if you only do the obligations, that will not necessarily get you special treatment from Allah SWT. If you think about our careers – how do we get ahead? We have to work harder than our coworkers, contribute extra on projects, serve on committees, etc to get promoted. Those who barely do their job, under fair circumstances, would not be the ones who would get promoted and benefit from a bump in salary, benefits, perks, etc. 

In a hadith qudsi, Allah SWT said: “Whosoever shows enmity to someone devoted to Me, I shall be at war with him. My servant draws not near to Me with anything more loved by Me than the religious duties I have enjoined upon him, and My servant continues to draw near to Me with supererogatory works so that I shall love him. When I love him I am his hearing with which he hears, his seeing with which he sees, his hand with which he strikes and his foot with which he walks. Were he to ask [something] of Me, I would surely give it to him, and were he to ask Me for refuge, I would surely grant him it. I do not hesitate about anything as much as I hesitate about [seizing] the soul of My faithful servant: he hates death and I hate hurting him.” (Bukhari)

There are so many good deeds that can be discussed including qiyam al-layl (which is the best prayer after the fardh salah), duha salah, various adhkaar, praying in the masjid, fasting, etc but the one I want to emphasize is sadaqah. It’s an absolutely amazing, widely encompassing, and easy deed if we have the right mindset. Moreover, in the current state of the world where everyone is talking about investing and making money, the fact of the matter is, whatever money we spend in charity is our real investment because that is what we will see on our scale of good deeds in the Hereafter.

“Envy consumes good deeds just as fire burns wood. Charity extinguishes sinful deeds just as water extinguishes fire. Prayer is the light of the believer and fasting is his shield from the Hellfire.” (ibn Majah)

My recommendation regarding sadaqah are 3-fold:

First, if you don’t already do this, automate your sadaqah so that you give in charity every month. There are many organizations doing great work including your local masajid and your local food bank, in addition to the many excellent humanitarian, dawah, and civil rights organizations. I use Charity Navigator to see which charities I feel are good stewards of the funds donated to them. 

I personally give a small amount monthly to a few different organizations. Find at least one organization that really resonates with you and start a monthly donation.

Second, if you are already giving charity monthly, increase the amount as charity will not decrease your wealth.

Third, sponsor orphans. It costs me $50/month to sponsor 1 orphan through a very reputable international humanitarian organization and there are many organizations that you can do this through. There may even be orphans in your local community that your local masjid is supporting which you can donate to. My feeling is that if you’re taking care of children whose parents cannot take care of them, perhaps Allah SWT will see this great act and bless you with your own children to take care of.

Advice #7: Seek professional help

The problem with this step is we often either prioritize this step over fixing our relationship with Allah SWT or we neglect this step completely. Take advice from qualified medical professionals, talk with your family and elders, pray istikharah, and make a decision regarding next steps in your journey. We will never know what will or will not work unless we try but we should be informed about the risks and benefits of each avenue available to us so we can make an educated decision.

I would also mention that infertility can come with a whole set of emotions including depression, anger, despair, hopelessness, etc so a qualified therapist, especially one with an Islamic background, could be beneficial in understanding how to process and manage our emotional state from both an Islamic and psychological perspective. I have included a list of resources for mental health at the end of this letter.

A man said: “O Messenger of Allah! Shall I tie it and rely (upon Allah), or leave it loose and rely (upon Allah)?” The Prophet SAWS said: “Tie it and rely (upon Allah).” (Tirmidhi)

Final Thoughts

The Prophet SAWS frequently made a dua asking Allah SWT to make him firm in his religion.

It’s so hard to be consistent and it’s even harder at times to be consistent and trusting when you don’t have physical proof in your hand of what you’re aiming for. There’s a reason why Muslims are called believers – one of them is that we believe in the Unseen. And can you imagine that the greatest of all creation, the Prophet SAWS, is making dua to be steadfast on Islam? It’s surreal to me because He SAWS had the Quran revealed to him by Jibreel AS. But while we’ll never have the same level of iman as the Prophet SAWS, that doesn’t mean we don’t try. It’s up to us to remember that Allah SWT is writing our story in the best way possible. 

Don’t be angry at Allah SWT. You are where you are and I am where I am and every person is where they are exactly as the Greatest Story Writer has written. While we don’t know how things will go in the future, our job is just to do our best with what we know now. And part of this journey for you involves your family so encourage them to do the things you all find beneficial – insha’Allah you all will grow closer together as you continue to support each other.

At the end of the day, it very well could be you’re never gifted a child. That doesn’t mean that all your efforts and duas went to waste. We don’t know what Allah SWT protected us from and what reward Allah SWT has prepared for us in the Hereafter. 

“Perhaps you dislike something which is good for you and like something which is bad for you. Allah knows and you do not know.” (2:216)

Part of the perfection of our faith is to be content with what Allah SWT has ordained after we have done everything we possibly can. This sentiment is perfectly encapsulated by the beautiful dua of the righteous caliph Omar ibn Abdul Aziz: 

“O Allah, make me pleased with Your decree and bless me in Your providence, such that I would not like to hasten anything You delay, nor delay anything You hasten.”

I want to end with this advice a friend gave to me:

“One of Allah’s mercies towards you is that He continually creates needs for you to Him. Whenever He fulfills one of your needs, He creates another for you, so that you do not become detached from Him. Indeed, souls are inclined to detach from those they feel self-sufficient without.  Whoever becomes self-sufficient from Allah and detaches from Him will perish. Therefore, some scholars have said: ‘that Allah creates needs for you so that your servitude to Him may grow.’”

May Allah SWT always guide and bless us and our families to what is best for us in this life and the next, relieve our struggles, anxieties, and fears, and always keep us hopeful in His Mercy and Plan. 

List of Mental Health Resources:

• Muslim therapists in various localities in the USA: https://www.mapsnetwork.org/ 
• For a local Muslim mental health professional: Please take a look at the resources here to find a local Muslim therapist: 
  • https://muslimpsychologycenter.com/directories/
  • https://muslimmentalhealth.com/getsupport/
  • https://www.muslimtherapist.directory/
• If you are looking for assistance regarding spiritually-related concerns: Please consider Khalil Center: https://khalilcenter.com/. They are able to provide many psychospiritual resources including therapy and religious consultations.
• For general options: Please try www.psychologytoday.com. This website can narrow searches down by religion, therapy type, insurance and zip code.