Sex and the Ummah
Sex and the Ummah Series | New Initiative: Like a Garment | Yasir Qadhi
www.LikeAGarment.com
I will never forget the first embarrassingly explicit question that I was asked. During one of the earliest series of lectures that I gave (the explanation of Kitab al-Tawhid), when I was still in my very early twenties, an older sister (probably in her mid 30s) came up to me and said she needed to ask a question. I was expecting something related to the topic, so I said, ‘Yes, go ahead.’ Instead, she asked a very frank question about the legal permissibility of something she and her husband did. All that I remember was turning beet-root red, looking down in embarrassment, and muttering some type of incoherent response back at her. Truth be told, not only did the question completely catch me off guard and discomfit me, I actually didn’t even know the answer to it. They most certainly did not teach us such material in Madinah!
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Over the next few years, as I became more active in delivering sermons and lectures, I realized that the most common area that people needed guidance in was with regards to marital issues and spousal relationships. It didn’t matter if my talk was regarding some obscure and outdated fourth-century theological controversy in Nishapur, almost invariably a question or two would slip through and make its way towards me regarding a personal, marriage-related concern. It was also quite irrelevant where I happened to be talking. From America to Dubai and from Australia to the UK, marriage problems and marital advice topped the list of queries. As if to prove this point, the escalating problem of divorce amongst our generation is a matter that we are all painfully aware of. It is obvious that the Muslim men and women of our generation are having greater difficulty in maintaining healthy marriages.
Just a few weeks ago, after a seminar I delivered, a sister approached and asked for a few minutes of my time regarding a private issue. Her problem was not an uncommon one, although perhaps she was more traumatized by it than others. She told me that she had been married for a few years, but that her marital life was not satisfactory. Almost at the verge of tears, and in a very embarrassed state, she said that her husband was a good man in most respects, but in ‘that department’ he really was quite incompetent, and even selfish. All he was interested in was satisfying himself; her needs seemed to be of no concern to him. She told me that that her level of frustration and exasperation continued to grow and grow, and in fact many times she was left in tears after what should have been a moment of intimacy and romance. Not only did he not care, he was not even willing to acknowledge that there was a problem. Was it Islamically permissible, she asked, if she asked for a divorce to end the marriage and try to find happiness in another marriage?
Similar problems abound amongst brothers as well, although few are manly enough to actually admit it and seek guidance. The most common complaint amongst men is that their wives do not seem anywhere near as interested as they themselves are in being intimate. For these men, both the quantity and the quality of experiences are unsatisfactory. As a result, many brothers are tempted to believe that the only solution to their predicament is in marrying a second wife. They do not realize that such a ‘solution’ will in all likelihood compound this very problem, not to mention add a whole multitude of new ones as well. Instead of finding fault with an existing wife, a husband would fare better in seeing what he can do to improve the situation. Most times, a little bit of understanding and compassion (also known as ‘romance’) will go a very long way.
In my humble opinion, and based on my own observations, most of this tension arises from perceived gender roles and misguided expectations of how the ‘other’ should interact in a marriage. And while sexual roles and expectations are by no means the only problem, they are clearly a major one, and one that exacerbates other tensions within a marriage.
The problem is underscored by the fact that most men and women have no clue regarding how the opposite gender thinks, feels and acts. This ignorance is found in both Muslims and non-Muslims, but in this regard, non-Muslims typically do have an edge over us. Because of their consistent exposure to the opposite gender (and their frequent dating), non-Muslims do have a better understanding and are usually more sympathetic to the needs of the opposite gender. Additionally, because the predominant culture entails open and direct competition amongst members of one gender to stand out and appear attractive to the opposite gender (no arranged marriages there!), both men and women typically do display and cultivate emotional characteristics and sensitivities that their significant other would find extremely appealing. Men learn that romance and compassion will get them far; women learn that they can have more control over their man if they ‘push the right buttons’. For better or for worse, however, our own brothers and sisters are woefully in the dark about these issues, and the more conservative (and therefore ‘righteous’) a person is, the less experience he or she would have had in this regard, and hence the less prepared to face marriage. Most Muslim couples enter marriage not quite knowing what to face.
The problem is compounded for most of us, since we as a modern generation of Muslims are caught between two cultures: the excessive ultra-conservatism of our parent’s culture (in which parents never even held hands in front of their kids, or addressed each other in endearing terms, or indeed showed any signs of being romantic), and the hyped over-sexuality and over-romanticism of the culture surrounding us (in which much happens in public that we’d rather not discuss). We grew up receiving confusing and contradictory messages from the home and family on the one side, and from television and society on the other.
Such an onslaught of problems and questions forced me, from very early on, to read up on issues not quite on the curriculum at Madinah! And while many of the books I read were extremely beneficial in terms of understanding the psychological and emotional differences between men and women, all of them were written for people with very different ethics and value systems than those of our own. I found myself trying to sift through and extract the beneficial bits while discarding suggestions that would not work from within our religious and cultural paradigm. This material, I strongly felt, had to be ‘Islamified’ and then passed on to others.
Last year, an opportunity arose which allowed me to express some of those ideas in front of an audience. A dear friend and mentor was teaching a class about the fiqh of marriage. As part of that class, one section would deal with issues of intimacy. It just so happened that I would be in that same city for another reason, and would be free on that particular day. The Shaykh, when he heard that I would be in town, confessed that he felt awkward doing this section because he had not been raised in this culture, and felt that I might be more appropriate since I could better relate to the issues facing our youth. At first I was quite hesitant to take up this offer (“So, Shaykh, let me get this straight: you want me to stand up in front of five hundred young men and women and talk about sex?!”), but after thinking through this issue, and with the continued persistence of the Shaykh, I decided to put myself in the ‘hot seat’ and go through with it. I thought about the questions and problems that had been presented to me over the last decade, and the issues that people had confided in me regarding their marital problems. I structured my notes around those experiences, re-read many of the works that I had on the subject, and added a healthy dose of Quranic and hadith references, along with some Islamic common sense. I decided that it would be appropriate to separate the brothers and sisters, and lecture one gender at a time. That way, not only could I modify the lecture to target each gender specifically, I could also avoid the awkwardness that would have been felt if the other gender had been present.
The results and feedback after my talk astounded me. Overwhelmingly, people thanked me for the frank and relevant advice – for speaking in explicit terms and moving beyond simplistic one-line platitudes. Many people asked for a recording of this session (it had not been recorded), and quite a few suggested that my talk should be expanded and taught in a separate seminar. Word quickly spread (along with a few inevitable jokes!), and this class led to a few more speaking engagements along similar topics. Along the way, I had to research more and more and expand into more issues. Feedback and questions from audiences also helped me shape the topic and fine-tune my talks.
The last time I taught the class – to a group of brothers and sisters in the UK – I asked each student to fill out an anonymous feedback form regarding the talk. I specifically told them to point out any weaknesses and mention criticisms. Alhamdulillah, the survey came back without a single negative comment. Again and again, people expressed the sentiment that this information needed to be taught to all Muslims of our generation: those who were yet to be married, those who were newlyweds and experiencing problems, and those who wanted healthier marriages.
This is why, after praying istikhara and speaking to others about this issue, I have decided to commit some time to this area and address this very delicate subject directly, from an Islamic perspective. The initiative is called ‘Like A Garment‘ (www.LikeAGarment.com), from the famous Quranic phrase of spouses being like garments to one another. The website has two aims: to disseminate information about this topic (which will, insha Allah, be beneficial to all Muslims, single and married), and to garner, via anonymous questionnaires, the problems and concerns that the Muslims of our times are facing in this area (which will help me better prepare future lectures). I encourage those who are interested to log on to the website and sign up to receive our weekly journal.
I pray that Allah helps me to make this project successful, and that through it many, many Muslims are able to live better lives and obtain happier marriages! Ameen.
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Uthman
April 7, 2010 at 1:44 AM
JazakAllah khair ya Shaykh!
naeem
April 7, 2010 at 2:22 AM
AA-
Interesting project. I wonder how did our forefathers deal with these issues? Clearly not all their marriages were characterized by bottled up frustrations, poor communications, and one-sided conjugal relations. What makes the 21st century married couple any different from their counterparts of centuries past?
Assuming the pair is religiously conservative (ie. they aren’t indulging in clubbing, dating, porn, and other recent social abominations), how are their sexual needs any different from our ancestors?
Maybe I missed something, but I didn’t read anything in the article that stood out as a purely 21st century phenomenon. Couples have always indulged in questionable acts. Men have always been selfish in bed. Women have always had lower levels of libido. The sky is blue. What’s new?
Do we really need to study modern psycho-analytical PhD theses to figure this stuff out? And then ‘Islamify’ it on top of that?
Muslims around the world have dealt with these issues for 1400 years. Why the sudden need to deal with this most universal of human issues (sex) in a new way? Let us study how they’ve done it, instead of looking to Dr. Phil.
I get a bit annoyed when I see our Islamic endeavors becoming cheap rip-offs of what we see in mainstream society, as if ‘Islamifying’ something makes it truly Islamic.
Sex really isn’t that complicated. If village dwellers the world over have figured it out, why can’t we?
And if it is countered that due to the make-up of modern society, we have to address the associated social problems, of which sex is on the top of the list, maybe we need to step back and stop embracing all that modern society has to offer, lock, stock, and barrel?
abu Rumay-s.a.
April 7, 2010 at 3:08 AM
say maybe gender integration at work/public/school/etc, internet/satellite/tv, magazines/books/, music pop culture/lyrics, icons/iconoclasts, and on and on (even conservatives from other religions can tell you this as they are facing similar obstacles)…everyone is exposed to these issues in one way or another irrespective of their religiosity….
I don’t think the discussion is about sex being complicated, its about “marital issues and spousal relationships” and how to solve the issues and problems that Muslims are facing with this regard (which are entirely different from what village dwellers are facing)!
amad
April 7, 2010 at 3:32 AM
Actually, I intend to write a post (eventually) exactly to address your points.
To pretend that nothing has changed in this issue over the last decade, let alone the last centuries is really being quite naive Br. Naeem, with all due respect.
My father married my mother without seeing her (wrong, yes, but that’s the way many old-fashioned marriages took place). His exposure to women, other than maharim women and my mother (and associated fitnah) was limited to seeing women in burkas or at least modestly dressed on the streets. Access to porn, to scantily-clad women on the street, to every other sort of visual “distraction” was limited and hard to get.
Do you suppose that his “fitnah” (for lack of better words) was the same in his time, as is mine today? I know for a fact it isn’t. And the availability/access to all sorts of media channels within the privacy of one’s home has exacerbated sexual problems a million-fold and along with it marital issues. If you don’t see it, then you should spend some time reading the porn addiction series and assoc. comments.
mofw
April 7, 2010 at 4:23 AM
I was going to respond to his comment but I thought he was either trolling or an ignorant teenager.
Naeem
April 7, 2010 at 6:12 AM
AA- Amad and Abu R,
It seems you both have actually accentuated the assertion I made in my last sentence – that the problem is with modern society and our interaction with it. The problem is not with marital relations, but with the fitnah that we are naively exposing ourselves to every single day – “gender integration at work/public/school/etc, internet/satellite/tv, magazines/books/, music pop culture/lyrics, icons/iconoclasts, and on and on”
Instead of focusing on that discomforting reality, which would require some serious soul-searching on how we interact with society, we are going through all this trouble to treat the symptoms.
Yes Amad, times are different now. Married couples are playing with fire on Facebook, flirting at work, watching way too much TV, reading romance novels, and so on. But those problems are not the focus of the above article.
I understand that serious problems exist (as detailed in the porn-addiction post), but let’s not group those abnormalities with the very normal marital issues discussed in Sh. Yasir’s post (Men being too quick, women not being interested, couples confused about sex, etc.). These issues are as natural and age-old as friction between the in-laws. These issues exist all over the world, even places where the fitnah you describe is not available.
So, please tell what is so different about the marital issues faced by Muslims in the West?
Ify Okoye
April 7, 2010 at 6:20 AM
One difference may be the much higher rate of divorce and its implications for each family and society as a whole.
ummaasiyah
April 7, 2010 at 8:04 AM
Maybe men should stop being so selfish in bed and actually open to the fact that women don’t have lower levels of libido, but they are more complex creatures, psychologically as well as physically. Women need to realise that men are almost always up for it and to clear their schedules of housework and socialising (unless there is a REALLY good reason such as illness, menstruation, bereavement in the family, etc) in order to keep their husbands satisfied.
The idea here isn’t about the way we interact with society and inter-gender relationships. What Shaykh YQ is trying to address is the breakdown of men and women’s thinking when it comes to sex. People in the past have struggled with it as there was no-one around to break it down. From what I know of past generations, it seems that men generally have been selfish in bed and women just complied for the sake of procreation as that’s how sex in the Muslim world has been misconstrued.
It’s ironic that the world has advanced so much, and yet, this is one area where everyone is failing to get to grips with. The problem is that most people used to believe sex was just for having babies and that was it…even I did, up until the age of 15! But it has taken a while for people to finally realise that it is also a recreational activity between husband and wife in Islam and, if done the right way with tact and sensitivity, it can also repair a LOT of damage to marriages.
In the past, marriages were not allowed to fall apart due to social stigma of being a divorced woman (which still exists today), but being Muslims in the Western world, people are happy to divorce over intimacy issues which can be easily recitified with understanding, time and patience (and a little practice).
That is the difference between people in the past and the couples of today.
Yasir Qadhi
April 7, 2010 at 10:29 AM
Very nicely said, couldn’t have done better myself :)
Yasir
Abdus-Sabur
April 7, 2010 at 6:44 PM
Nicely articulated! I was going to write something but you’ve really nailed it. Alhamdulillah :)
Good work, Shaykh Yasir! Jazakallahu khair
mm
April 19, 2010 at 11:41 AM
Nice response mashaAllah.
An addition if I may, men in the past had more than one wife, which explains their need to satisfy their sexual urges… these days, women do not want their husbands to marry another wife; top it with the laws of the land making it illegal to “marry” more than one woman…
A scenario: men are surrounded by women… scantily clad, made-up etc be it at work, school, streets or anywhere. They get attracted, want to fulfill their physical desires, go to their wives, want her to drop everything and be available, she refuses, is tired or has to complete her study/chores/exam etc… leading to disagreements, divorces etc Allah forbid.
So both men and women need some kind of ‘training’ to live a healthy marital life, and that is what exactly [probably] what Shaikh Yasir Qadhi is trying to do.
abu Rumay-s.a.
April 7, 2010 at 10:11 AM
I don’t know which part of the world you are living in, but the reality of the world is that the majority of the Muslims living in the West (and even the East) are exposed to this stuff, either voluntary, mistakenly, involuntary, by necessity (such as kids in public schools or adults in the workplace, etc.) And this exposure eventually affects people to different degrees depending on their level of faith and knowledge, even you and me (whether you acknowledge it or not). Many Muslim marriages break up because of the lack of knowledge, understanding, experience and perhaps faith as well in how to deal with such a dichotomy.
If you want to analogize social dimensions, I believe you cannot treat the symptoms of a wound until you heal the wound first, this is how I understand Islam deals with things, how they are, not how they should be. can you advise a teenager facing challenges with girls/boys in a public school to pack up and move to “islamland” to solve his/her problem?…you deal with teenager’s problems in his/her dimension and try to give them practical ways they can mitigate and navigate their way through this phase, especially when other options are not available..
I would agree with you that some spousal issues are not necessarily era specific and recur throughout generations. I hope you understand the importance of such work by Shk Yasir and others, it is really way overdue in our communities. In fact, I would hope that it also spreads to the Muslim countries because they are starting to face the same kind of problems…may Allah make it easy for us all..ameen..
ummaasiyah
April 7, 2010 at 11:56 AM
Just wanted to pick up on another point:
Friction between the in-laws is very common. But couples find a way around it in order to save their marriage. Some divorce as they feel they can’t cope anymore, but divorce has most likely occurred because the initial steps leading upto it weren’t taken with understanding, care and patience.
In the same way, people need to deal with intimacy. Personally speaking, friction between the in-laws can be dealt with if you persevere. And the same goes for intimacy.
So this whole notion of these issues (intimacy and problematic in-laws) being age-old need to be thrown out. People need to try new ways to save their marriage instead of giving up. When people were having problems getting around on foot, they didn’t just think ‘This is an age-old problem for centuries, why change it?’
Someone bothered to take the time out to invent the car. In the same way, intimacy problems may be age-old, but Shaykh YQ (and I’m sure there are others) are taking the time out to make life easier for the Ummah.
We shouldn’t just accept these problems as the ‘norm’. We need to do something about it.
naeem
April 7, 2010 at 10:10 PM
I am not suggesting that these age-old problems be swept under the rug. Not at all. On the contrary, I believe that because they have been around for so long, our forefathers have been dealing with them (and getting along quite well, I might add) and we would greatly benefit from their approaches.
ummaasiyah
April 8, 2010 at 5:48 AM
Yes, that’s quite true. But these forefathers are not around anymore for us to learn from them. Also, you are forgetting that their are a lot of cultural divides between the people of the past and the people of today.
I can tell you quite frankly that the people of my parents’ generation would not understand these issues and neither would they be open to discussing them, which is quite ironic, considering the Prophet(saw) taught the Companions how to approach their wives as well as encouraging foreplay.
What I am trying to say is that these problems are being discussed for the sake of the fact that apart from the hadith of the Prophet(saw), there is no other reliable source in order to give us a better idea of how to approach the topic.
The other thing is that you are speaking of forefathers. Even if there was such a discussion in our parents’ or grandparents’ time, there is a still a huge cultural divide between what was practiced then and what is practiced now. Maybe bringing your wife chocolates and flowers is a common romantic practice NOW, but perhaps something different was done back then. Therefore, neither can relate to one another.
Finally, when it comes down to the crunch, EVERYONE has a certain expectation of their first time and this is down to the media. Again, in the past, I don’t think such things were available then and even if such information was passed on through word of mouth (which I do believe it was even though it is haraam to discuss what goes on in the bedroom), it was still a form of Chinese whispers. People got the wrong impression and probably screwed it up, but didn’t know what to do or how to rectify the situation.
Today, the whole attitude towards sex is so hyped up that when someone finally goes through the experience, they either think they messed up or that it’s over-rated. In fact, it is neither. Everyone has a unique experience and we shouldn’t be looking to people of the past to see if what we’re doing is correct. What we need to do is change our outlook and think outside the box. The way it is portrayed by our parents and grandparents is not the way Islam portrays it.
Siraaj
April 7, 2010 at 1:32 PM
Education and Communication.
1. Education: We are better aware now of what a good relationship, both emotionally and sexually, can be like. Some of it is hollywood, and some of it is real. Hollywood makes us want to make it more real. In any event, we know there’s something better out there, and we want it for ourselves as well.
2. Communication: We’re better able to share our private thoughts and concerns with others and receive expert feedback. Some experts are better suited from us than others. The bottom line is that “people are talking”, and when that happens, you realize that what you thought was standard fare need not be. Education stops being theory and turns into reality.
The reason we need this information “islamified” is not so that we can take what “they” say and shove it into the context of our religion. What is happening now is that the secular side of the western equation is dominating the discussion on defining sexuality and gender roles, and not all of it is wrong. For example, the Prophet (SAW) advised foreplay, and he gave an example, but what other forms are foreplay are there? The faqih will end up telling you if you can do do that thing, but who’s advising you to actually try it out?
I used to be an avid reader of men’s health magazine (until the balance of photography pages was turning into playboy-lite) and I can’t think of a single issue where some advice was given on how to make the act more enjoyable for a woman (and not one’s spouse, obviously). I’m sure the woman’s magazines do the same.
Most conservatives won’t do that – they won’t filter the usable advice from the nonsense, they’ll simply throw all of it out and remain in a state of denial that there’s anything they can do about it. And to be honest, it’s sad because nonMuslims enjoy the most passionate part of the their relationships throughout the dating process when things are new, and once they marry, most of them quickly lose steam. With us, we marry, the romance period is jammed in with the adjustment period, kids show up soon after and the marriage becomes more a pain than a pleasure, and the one pleasure that one hopes to get with it turns into a “my needs vs your needs” battle.
It need not have to be that way, and I’m glad Shaykh Yasir’s doing this – our community really needs this kind of no holds barred type of advice. There’s a lot out there, and few willing to discuss these issues head on with the familiarity of our culture’s view on these matters.
Siraaj
ummaasiyah
April 7, 2010 at 3:59 PM
All the time. You just have to look at the cover of the magazine to know that that’s a really important part of their lives.
Absolutely! What a lot of conservatives don’t realise (I’m a conservative too, btw) is that filtering out the rubbish is THE key.
This is why one should wait a while to have children :P
Just kidding! Children are a blessing from Allah(swt) and when it is your time to have a child, there’s no control on your part at all.
Anyway, my point here being…we should sort ourselves out. If you’re not married, get a little clued up through Shaykh Yasir on debugging the opposite sex. If you are married, again, get clued up and work on improving your relationship with your spouse. Romance is not dead. Roses and candles are not a thing of fairytales and Hollywood. They’re real and if used correctly, they can give amazing results.
naeem
April 7, 2010 at 10:15 PM
“We are better aware now of what a good relationship, both emotionally and sexually, can be like.”
I think its a bit presumptuous to claim that our understanding of what constitutes a ‘good relationship’ is any better than previous generations (especially that of our Prophet (saw)). I would even go so far as to suggest that its worse since so much of what we’re basing it on is from Hollywood and western feminism.
Simply knowing more about the sexual component does not necessitate a better understanding of marital relations. I think the data (as presented in the porn post) would suggested the exact opposite.
Siraaj
April 8, 2010 at 12:02 AM
Let’s make this a little more concrete – across the board, I think our religion, Hollywood, and western feminist literature agree that foreplay is important as part of not only the physical side of the relationship, but the emotional side as well.
Across the board, I believe chivalry (the open-the-door type) is part and parcel of all literature (except deviant school of thought on the feminist side). I believe men treating their spouses with kindness, love, and dignity is part of all.
But just because it’s in the Sunnah, or anywhere else, doesn’t mean it’s being practiced – your backwoods village example is a perfect example of this. For many of our parents who were raised in the East well-off, even they didn’t have or know this type of education – it was taboo to speak of such things. It was scandalous.
So yes, at least one generation back, our people have been woefully ignorant of what a good relationship looks like, even according to the sunnah. When people see this out of hollywood and western feminist literature, and they are ignorant of Islamic teachings, then you have to speak to people from their contextual understanding, not your own. When people come with questions and want to know if something is legitimate for building their relationships, they may come with ideas alien 14 centuries ago, but are legitimate today.
Box of chocolates and candy? Sure, why not?
Siraaj
Yousuf
April 7, 2010 at 10:34 PM
Siraaj,
Why did you change your picture? Oh and you still owe me a time to call you ;)
Aneesak786@hotmail.co.uk
November 1, 2010 at 10:42 AM
I’m British Asian we were taught sex education. I think it’s important subject to help build relationships. I have also studied female sexuality and sad but our Muslim brothers sometimes disregard female opinions on this subject.
I can offer advice and can investigate any issues anyone nay have on the subject.
Please people it’s the most natural thing in the world.
Even now girls at my college ask me for advice because they can’t go to females I their family. Why I ask is it such a taboo subject .
mofw
April 7, 2010 at 2:22 AM
Once, long ago, I remember mentioning to you how wise it was that you avoided Muslim marriage counseling.
I remember you agreeing with me, emphatically.
Regardless, I suppose this was inevitable.
You will no doubt have many interesting experiences. May ALLAH aid you.
sahardid
April 7, 2010 at 2:50 AM
Excellent initiative!
This reminds me of a particulate show that I just so happen to flip-through and the guest on the show presented his book: the ‘koshr’ sutra, we need something equivalent :-D
Yaqeen needed
April 8, 2010 at 6:37 AM
We must always copy them – right Reminds of the hadith of the lizard’s hole
Isa
April 7, 2010 at 3:32 AM
Jazaakallaahu khayran.
sabirah
April 7, 2010 at 5:14 AM
asalam aleykum everyone,
some islamic medieval literature on the topic is “The Perfumed Garden (al-rawd al-atir fi nuzhati’l khatir)” by Muhamad al-Nafzawi. Definitely worth reading. That should be standard literature for the married couple (my personal opinion)
http://en.wikisource.org/wiki/The_Perfumed_Garden
that definitely smashes the argument that this is a “new” , or “western” problem – obviously it’s not.
another interesting article I found here a while ago
http://muslim-canada.org/sex.htm
hamayoun
April 7, 2010 at 9:13 AM
Salam Shiekh Yasir,
Would you recommend The Perfumed Garden? It looks rather, um, explict.
ummaasiyah
April 7, 2010 at 8:09 AM
Assalaamualaikum Shaykh,
I really think you should write a book about this. There are countless books on marriage, all dealing with the typical topics of finding a spouse and men and women’s duties towards each other. There is also the Marriage Series by Muhammad al-Jibaly which has a book on dealing with intimacy, but it’s more fiqhi, i.e. what’s permissible and not permissible, which left me feeling a little sterile towards the whole issue.
Someone needs to address the male-female thinking about all this and the typical issues that arise, as well as sensitivity towards each other’s needs. There really is NOTHING like this out there.
Yasir Qadhi
April 7, 2010 at 8:12 AM
Salaam Alaikum
That is *precisely* where this initiative is heading insha Allah.
This is a long-term project, but someone has to start somewhere!
Yasir
ummaasiyah
April 7, 2010 at 8:29 AM
Excellent!
It’s ironic, but a sister and I were discussing this and were thinking of undertaking this ourselves, but then we realised that it’s not a job for laypeople, so alhumdulillah, I’m glad you’re doing this, as too many marriage are suffering.
abu Rumay-s.a.
April 8, 2010 at 2:07 AM
barak Allahu feek. It’d be great if Shk Yasir Fazaga (and perhaps other specialists) could also take part in this book project, I think this realm of sociology is his forte and he’s got a lot of experience both in the community and through his educational projects.
destinyseeker
April 7, 2010 at 8:53 AM
Maybe this may be of benefit:
http://www.islamicbookstore.com/b10100.html
Aly B - DiscoMaulvi
April 7, 2010 at 9:12 AM
Assalamu’Alaikum:
Jazak’Allah Khairin Sheikh for this. Badly needed.
-Aly
http://discomaulvi.wordpress.com/
http://www.twitter.com/DiscoMaulvi
Jeremiah
April 7, 2010 at 9:24 AM
JazakAllahu khairan Sh. Yasir, may Allah aid you in this effort.
I would have to disagree with the quote from the article, Because of their consistent exposure to the opposite gender (and their frequent dating), non-Muslims do have a better understanding and are usually more sympathetic to the needs of the opposite gender.
For young Muslims, it seems like non-Muslims are having so much fun with their lack of restrictions and open dating. This is a just a mirage. Very few of them are happy with their unstable relationships because these relationships are generally initiated with the idea of obtaining sex and not companionship resulting from a desire for long term commitment. This often involves some level of deception on the part of both parties in order to be seen as appealing. All of this baggage from the early stages of the relationship or prior relationship(s) is eventually brought into the marriage, which leads to the same type of sexual dysfunctions you are addressing.
Aatif
April 26, 2010 at 1:13 PM
I guess, in context, he means that people who are integrated with the other gender will obviously have a better understanding of them, given the communication. However, as you mentioned, I’m sure most would agree the dating game is not really one focused on attaining sustainable happiness (or at least be a convoluted route to life long happiness) .
Tariq
April 7, 2010 at 9:53 AM
Jazak Allah khayr, Shaykh Yasir. We just had your class on the fiqh of food and clothing, but this project addresses the finest and most dear garment, its care and its rights, addresses something even more precious. May it earn you reward upon reward. And how could it not, for if divorce pleases shaytan how much more must happy marriages please Allah, especially when they enjoy what is He makes halal for them?
sulemanc
April 7, 2010 at 10:34 AM
FYI – gender checking part of subscription form on ‘Like A Garment’ (www.LikeAGarment.com) is broken.
aarij
April 7, 2010 at 11:16 AM
Nice one Sh Yasir. Really looking forward to it, insha Allah. A great name too btw.
Siraaj
April 7, 2010 at 11:35 AM
Great initiative, and badly needed for our community.
Siraaj
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anon
April 7, 2010 at 2:11 PM
SA,
There is something wonky with the window to sign up for emails on the website you listed. I would like to participate. This is an important topic.
Thank you.
Sister
April 7, 2010 at 2:32 PM
Assalamu alaikum,
I had the same problem too, but I switched from Google Chrome to Internet Explorer and opened it in there and it worked fine….maybe that’s it?
muslimah101
April 7, 2010 at 3:04 PM
yeah its not working on firefox either. try IE.
Reina
April 7, 2010 at 2:28 PM
Very interesting and very needed!
muslimah101
April 7, 2010 at 2:53 PM
married people should learn to communicate! women, talk to your husbands about your needs, dont be shy! he is your husband for God’s sake. and the same goes for men.
communicate, communicate, communicate
im not married but i know a lot of stuff i bet my mom or people from her generation didnt know even after getting married! maybe bcoz i have always been a biology-anatomy student. plus i went to a lot of sisters only classes where everything was discussed candidly. subhanAllah everything is covered in our deen, including sex (although tips from magazines and internet are helpful i guess..lol)
i have to agree with comment up there by sh Yasir. non-muslims seem to have a better understanding of the opposite sex. they know exactly how to do ‘it’ after all the pre-marital stuff they get into..
muslimah101
April 7, 2010 at 3:15 PM
i just subscribed for the emails. i signed up for my mom, my (married) sister and brother as well. i will have my sis know i did it for her… im kinda embarrassed letting my bro know but i guess it will do him some good lol.. inshaAllah..
muslimah101
April 7, 2010 at 3:17 PM
whoops, can an admin delete the abv post?
sister
April 7, 2010 at 8:03 PM
problems such as these make me think…why don’t we rectify the core of the problem instead of making it all so complicating by finding solution to a problem that is secondary in nature?! if we take away tv’s from our homes, have no magazines laying around (especially because it has pictures which leads to no access to angels….hence no barakah in our homes), lower our gazes, just follow the sunnah in our day-day lives…im sure 99% of the problem will be taken care of. but wait, i forgot…we are all humans…we like to enjoy this dunya as if it is our jannah…and yeah, we find following sunnah in West really difficult….so we do need ways to entertain our nafs right? common people, wake up! this dunya is not hollywood. we are not following islam if we are not submitting ourselves to the was of our messenger. if we look at how our Prophet sallahu alayhi wasallam practiced sex, im sure both men and women be satisfied to the fullest….from the position he himself practiced, to the fact that he encouraged men to make sure that their wives also reached an orgasm, to the details of how to perform ghusl, the times that are best to have sex etc. I suggest, why don’t we ask our scholars to first give us an insight into these aspects from the seerah before addressing this secondary issue? there is a lot of hikmah in the way our nabi sallalahu alayhi wasallam practices things….when we leave the sunnah, is when shaytaan distracts our hearts, minds and souls by making us do exactly what we are doing right now…wallahu`alam. May Allah subhanahu wa ta’ala guide us to resources that will not only benefit us but also bring us close to the sunnah…ameen…
Yaqeen needed
April 8, 2010 at 6:30 AM
Sister
barakallahu feek. This to me is the most ‘bull’s eye’ ‘hit the nail on the head’ comment here I have read so far. Its good that our sisters can read between the lines and see beyond the clouds
‘Because of their consistent exposure to the opposite gender (and their frequent dating), non-Muslims do have a better understanding and are usually more sympathetic to the needs of the opposite gender’
Doing a combo of the above quote already commented on with your saying ‘we like to enjoy this dunya as if it is our jannah’ may make things clearer. The reality is that more and more muslims these days, including those expected not to, continue to suffer from an inferiority complex when comparing themselves to non muslims and their ways of living. To confirm the dunya is jannah mentality, during the tsunami in Thailand, a non muslim American at the beach there complained that all of a sudden our paradise was destroyed. We all know what most American tourists go to do in Thailand esp things they cant do back home. And we seem to infuse this inferiority complex into our supposed practice of Islam and modern solutions to our problems.
And one reason we may not be able is that to follow our nafs and manage the inferiority complex, we have made it easy to have access to custom made fatwas – fatwas on the go – that make us feel cool doing things we should sacrifice and give up. eg the tv and mags u mentioned. It makes sense but then u’ll get people who will quote Skh XYZ who’s well trained and respected that says its OK not to make the obvious sacrifice u mentioned. The hadith about clinging to the ways of the 4 caliphs in the times of fitna is obviously 100% applicable in these times. I agree with u – white washing or surface coating- attenting without intiating a mass sacrifice based return to the sunna aint gonna work
Olivia
April 7, 2010 at 10:19 PM
Masha’Allah, excellent initiative, Shaykh Yasir. I wholeheartedly agree with you. The site also looks very nice. I personally am trying to put together something similar, using the “ScreamFree Living” approach. Originally material was developed for ScreamFree Parenting but now it’s being developed for ScreamFree marriage, and alhamdulillah I was able to do a training program to be able to teach it. You’re right in that non-Muslims have an edge (and have developed the content based on it) and its up to us Isamify it for the community, but there’s a lot of great material out there that could really have such a positive impact for us. I’m doing an upcoming ScreamFree parenting webinar but in the meantime I wrote a short ebook on ScreamFree marriage for Muslims. I pray that Allah blesses your project.
Need to know
April 7, 2010 at 10:26 PM
Salam Sh. Yasir
What was your answer to the sister (who was not satisfied by her husband) who asked:
“Was it Islamically permissible, she asked, if she asked for a divorce to end the marriage and try to find happiness in another marriage?”
I imagine the answer would be treatise itself, but could you outline it briefly?
jzk
Ismail Kamdar
April 8, 2010 at 6:07 AM
Jazakallah Khair Shaykh for this important initiative.
Being a young Da’ee, I have to deal with these issues a lot. The younger generation in my community (including myself) find this a topic that needs to be discussed openly by Islamic teachers, so I am 100% behind this important initiative and you have my support. I will spread the word out to the youth I know to sign up and benefit from this important yet often neglected aspect of knowledge.
NurKhan
April 8, 2010 at 12:00 PM
Why do islamic scholars feel they are qualified to get into marriage and sex counseling? This area should be left to experts who specialize in those fields.
From my experience, shuyookh/imams are unqualified for marriage counseling etc. because they are academically and practically not trained in that field. All they regurgitate are a few well-known ahadith without any regards to context (e.g. wife must obey her husband when he calls her to bed etc.).
All this is nothing but YQ reading some popular western books on the subject and ‘censoring’ the language to be less ‘offensive’ to muslims. I really dont understand how a theologian can provide counseling and advice on marriage and sex? Can someone please explain?
NurKhan
April 8, 2010 at 12:08 PM
My point is that this is similar to a shaykh dispensing medical treatment based on ‘Medicine of the Prophet (SW)’ or something similar. Would anyone substitute that with going to a proper medical professional for a serious ailment?
Similarly, with marriage & sex issues, there are physiological and psychological causes that need to be diagnosed, evaluated, and treated properly. This is best left to professionals who have undergone proper study and training.
Yasir Qadhi
April 8, 2010 at 1:37 PM
Salam
Jazak Allah for your concern. It is a valid one.
I believe if you signed up for the emails and read what I was writing, you would understand where I am coming from. Believe me, I do not plan to go into areas that require specialized studies, nor will I take on the role of a psychiatrist or therapist.
Also, while aqeedah is indeed my specialty, I have many, many areas that I love to teach, including Quran, hadith, fiqh, and history. Almost everything that I teach is not solely based on what we learned ‘back in Madinah’; rather, as anyone who has attended my classes can attest to, I always absorb information from Western sources and present it, either modified or critiqued, so that it is more relevant to our situation. What I’m doing for this class is similar to what I’m doing with the others, only on a larger scale. I take the Islamic side of things (which, btw, many people are totally unaware of), put it through our cultural lens to make it relevant and practical, and then present it to the people.
Wa salaam
Yasir
ummaasiyah
April 8, 2010 at 4:02 PM
I think the problem is that there isn’t anyone who has studied sex issues and is highly learned about Islam AND can present it from a Western Muslim point of view.
It probably is best left to the professionals, but Shaykh YQ has bravely taken it upon himself to present a seemingly simple topic in a more cohesive manner to us.
Being brought up in the West, we all seem to have a preconceived idea about sex due to our exposure to it from a young age through sex education, TV, magazines, friends, etc. None of us understand how complicated and unfunny it is until we’re there, in the moment. It’s not a matter to be taken lightly, but I feel that Shaykh Yasir is well-qualified to talk about it. I’m pretty confident that he has done his research through observing the Western attitude towards it as well as the issues that he has been presented with from other Muslims.
Insha’Allah, I believe it would be beneficial to us all to gain a better understanding, so that these issues are not so much of a problem anymore. Also, as a sister said in one of the comments above…communication is key.
abu Rumay-s.a.
April 10, 2010 at 3:27 PM
There are a few highly educated (both deen/dunya) who have studied about these issues…i.e. shk yasir fazaga who has masters from cal state in marriage and family counseling and seeking a second masters..undergraduate in islamic studies.. you can search his articles and lectures on the web…here is one on sex, love, and relationships..
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CnC4dt1g-mQ
There is also sister Karima Burns, most of her articles can be found here:
http://www.islamonline.net/servlet/Satellite?c=Article_C&cid=1243825108534&pagename=Zone-English-HealthScience/HSELayout
Karima Burns, MH, ND has a Doctorate in Naturopathy and a Masters in Herbal Healing
and there are a few others and perhaps someone who has researched this topic a bit more can share their Islamic references for the benefit of others..
AbdulHasib
April 8, 2010 at 5:02 PM
You know this is exactly the criticism that is given by the professional realm of discussing these matters – “since when was an Islamic Science graduate QUALIFIED to counsel?”
The question itself has part truth, and part invalidity.
Yes, in this day and age we could definitely use and take advantage of the faculties and know-how and advanced training of counseling, psychology, and sociology. But at the same time do remember, that the question itself is something is looked THROUGH the lens of a person in the secular fields and not through islam.
The Prophet salAllahu ‘alaihi wa sallam nor the companions and, in a broader general light, taught psychology, counseling, and sociology INERTLY in the teachings that Islam was revealed with.
And you can derive these same principles in those respective fields in the books of Adab, Suluk, and akhlaq. The counseling is in the teaching, and the teaching is counseling. (teaching necessitates counseling, and vice versa? … bad pun, sorry :).)
But having said that and as you have mentioned;
It is of no light matter that just ‘because’ someone has some information of “the islamic responses (i.e. simply quoting texts)” to the current issues we face and have had some glossed over info (at best); cannot be qualified to speak on the matter, counsel… or coach anyone.
And also, to remember, that if someone is simply “qualified” in the secular field of counseling and psychology, it doesn’t necessarily mean they’re qualified to counsel fully from an ISLAMIC perspective. As we have plenty of doctor’s and Ph.D’s who attest to that, by interpreting Islam with a false understanding because they do so interpreting THROUGH their field, and not examine their field with islam.
And seeing both of these sides I think definitely highlights the vast need for us to get professionals on all sides and sit and dedicate good research and responses as a COUNCIL or a BOARD of individuals and publish it in a most excellent and presentable manner.
Out of the EXTREMISM of speaking without being qualified we cannot jump to the EXTREMISM of rejecting honest effort. Golden Principle.
Especially since it is said that if you want to MASTER a field – you have to put 10,000 hours into it.
Well we need people to PUT those 10,000 hours, where are they?
Insha’Allah this looks like a good and noble beginning of a project that through honest advice like yours definitely, insha’aAllah, can ADD to it and put more people – from various professions – and bring about publications and research that benefits muslims.
As opposed to doing certification seminars that certify people over night, we need that time put in.
Especially people who are studying or professionals, be it in the medical field or social sciences, can do a lot more ALONGSIDE the students of knowledge and people who have studied the Islamic Sciences in dealing with our current issues, in a formal manner.
American Psychology and Counseling Associations exist
why not an American, Islamic-Counseling and Psychology Association.
May Allah grant us success, and purify our intentions and grant those that have preceded us with steadfastness upon the truth, and guidance in error..
WAllahu ‘Alam
somayah
April 8, 2010 at 3:30 PM
Yes brother NurKhan. I can explain it very easy.
Sheikhs and Imams who have the knowledge of the contemporary issues, who live close to their communities [who are concerned about them] – and who are well educated about the issues of life in general (from the only authentic resource – al-Qur’an and the sunnah) and who feels their responsibility toward their Muslim brothers and sisters in particular – are truly the best and most reliable people to discuss sensitive and delicate matters like this one. The Prophet was the only reference for all matters that concerned his ummah. Any other reference (especially the western non-Islamic one) would be misleading in most of the cases. Obviously, there’s no harm in seeking some correct information about our worldly matters from them, but should be tested carefully according to the Islamic example before adopting any of them.
May Allah guide us and keep us steadfast upon His straight path, Amen.
abdullah
April 8, 2010 at 4:23 PM
Assalamu alaikum
Jazakallahu khairan Sh Yasir addressing this much neglected issue. I look forward to any lectures you will deliver on this topic.
Recently I attended a course run by Alkauthar Institute and delivered by Sh Alaa ElSayed entitled Home Sweet Home which was attended by over 650 students in London. This course addressed the very issue you are talking about. It addressed the following issues in detail
* Choosing the right marital partner.
* Deciphering the language of the genders
* Understanding what women want
* The way to a mans heart
* How to win back your spouse
* Complete one another Vs Competing with one another
* Our children and the identity crisis
* How to deal with Mother In Law syndrome
* And how being good to your parents is the key to your children being good to you
Sh Aala is also very humorous mashAllah and left us all in stiches.
I believe the course is coming to Birmingham UK in June this year. Those interested can enrol at http://www.alkauthar.org
ummaasiyah
April 8, 2010 at 6:05 PM
I attended that. It was really good! Shaykh Alaa Elsayed really wanted to delve further into intimacy, but he couldn’t owing to time constraints and the fact that it was quite awkward.
And yes, we were all left in stitches.
One of the MOST important issues that he highlighted was how important it is to choose a righteous spouse…to the point where it is your child’s number 1 right upon you. And then he went on to tell us that we should always say the adhkaar before proceeding to engage in intimate relations to drive away Shaytaan and bring blessing to any children as a result of our actions.
Yahya Ibrahim
April 8, 2010 at 7:05 PM
Bismillah,
aba Ammar my brother,
Masha Allah the project looks awesome and insha allah your approach will remain, as always, thorough and objective. My family and I have signed up.
I am concerned only about a couple of things, which alhamdulillah I am sure you have considered. I only mention them to you in public rather than private email is to show that we as “shaykhs” we actually do advise each other. With love always habib.
1- Those who read about the “ideal” or “better” sexual lifestyle, but realise that their spouse will NOT or can not live up to it and DECIDE based on the emails sent out and the discussion surrounding them to seek a divorce or other drastic measures.
The sister who came up to you with that question scares me. “Was it Islamically permissible, she asked, if she asked for a divorce to end the marriage and try to find happiness in another marriage?”
Suhan Allah!
Alhamdulillah I assume I know what your answer would be. Bring your husband and lets talk about it because we NEVER counsel or answer spousal questions unilaterally. So I fear that your input to center people will be difficult. I think you may need to provide a disclaimer at least that no decisions should be made based on the write up. It really is a serious issue. Make it one of the first emails sent out insha allah.
Once again I am sure you have considered that.
The people who ask us things at times assume we actually understand their situation completely and that our advice is tailored for them and that what we say is the BEST thing for them. You and I know that is not the case.
For some who will read the discussion there will be great benefit. For others their will be harm, undoubtedly.
Allah protect you and honour you always akhi.
yahya
Yasir Qadhi
April 9, 2010 at 3:25 PM
Salaam Alaikum
Jazak Allah Ustadh Yahya for your comments!
Of course I agree with you 100 %. And what I told that sister is along those lines.
The class that I’ll be teaching will be how to enhance the marriage experience. For those who are not married, this is essential information that will help them from Day 1; for those who are married, the goal is that they will use this information to be better spouses.
Insha Allah, I do not foresee anything negative coming out of the stuff that will be covered in class; and of course I will make the necessary disclaimers along the way.
Yasir
PS I look forward to seeing you again in some ‘foreign’ land – so far it appears that we always meet in a country other than our own countries! But when i come ‘down under’ I do plan to take you up on your offer so be prepared ;)
Yahya Ibrahim
April 9, 2010 at 6:09 PM
ya habib
the turbo is supercharged with 407 Kw at the wheels
and the scuba gear is in the truck!
all thats left is
Bismillah
Fazila
April 8, 2010 at 8:09 PM
Irrespective of what Islam/hadith/etc tells us, a person is who they are. If a man is selfish in bed due to being a selfish character no amount of educating will change it, similarly if a woman is manipulative and uses sex to get her partner to do things then Islamic knowledge won’t change that, etc
People need to concentrate on being better people in general. We don’t need to get quotes or references to do this. This fact relates to many issues faced in this world including marital relations, as well as the way we interact with the world in general.
NurKhan
April 9, 2010 at 10:18 AM
Spot on. Totally agree.
Rifai
April 9, 2010 at 11:15 AM
What then would be the point of all the moral education that we give one another and our children that derives from religion?
I would like to think that part of the point is to modify our behavior. Simply telling someone to be a better person doesnt necessarily impart the basic aspects of the manners that they should have. For that matter, beyond the relatively minor details of our day to day mannerisms, there is a need for some sort of template to regulate ones actions.
And the question would be … what is that template and where does it come from? I think its clear that it comes from society. In this society parts of it still come from Judeo Christian ideals, but that seems to be fast changing. Of course part must come from one own fitrah, or inborn disposition. But which is which? And can everyone tell? Personally speaking I hope that im trying to better myself and Islamic knowledge helps tremendously in forging a tangible path towards that goal.
ASAWB
April 8, 2010 at 9:50 PM
May Allah bless you Sh. Yasir for all that you’ve done!
AMS
April 9, 2010 at 12:57 AM
Very nice, I like!
muslimah101
April 9, 2010 at 9:56 AM
assalamu alaikum
sh.Yasir, it would be great if you can also address the issue of sexual incompatibility b/w the spouses. what if one partner likes something and the other totally detests it? i have heard sisters feeling uncomfy with certain ‘acts’ their husbands demand.. non-muslims dont have to deal with this issue for the most part since they already ‘test drive their cars before buying them’.
Yasir Qadhi
April 9, 2010 at 3:26 PM
Salam
Yes this will be covered insha Allah.
Yasir
UmmYousuf
April 9, 2010 at 10:12 PM
Assalamu Alaikum Wa Rahmatullahi Wa Barakathu ~
Jazha Khum Allahu Kairun… I think this is a much needed discussion because most of us are at the crossroads of cultures and generations. Our future generations depend on us figuring out our marriages and our roles so that we can obtain love and mercy in it and be the best role models we can be for our children so they can be part of sound Muslim communities.
Furthermore, once this (much anticipated – can’t wait for the next email) project concludes another area if you could explore and enlighten us with would be directing on how to raise good, strong Muslim children in this society. Muslim schools vs. Public schools, discipline issues, tv, music and on and on… I would love to learn from your experiences as a parent!
Jazha Khum Allahu Kairun – may Allah reward you immensely and accept all your efforts and grant you and your family the highest levels of Jannah.
Hafiz SP
April 10, 2010 at 7:02 AM
Salams Shaykh Yasir Qadhi
Its takes courage for a man to deviate from the norm, whatever the deviation be. But I believe it was you yourself who said Allah awj gives a person the strength to overcome the situation he is put in.
Jazakallah
P.S Is there any way we can have recordings of your lectures, not just on this topic but all topics? Unfortunately for some of us we can not travel to USA to attend Halaqa’s, Lectures and Sermons.
muslimah101
April 10, 2010 at 7:16 AM
um, i kinda forgot to add the 101 after my name in the abv comment.
anyway, nurkhan and fazila. seriously whats with you guys? you dont like sh.yasir’s idea, dont sign up for it. it’s a free world you know.
Anonymous
April 13, 2010 at 5:45 AM
Assalamu alaykum,
I am glad to see the shaykh addressing this issue. I am recently divorced and know many others who are either divorced or very unhappy in their marriages; I keep thinking that there is a crisis that needs to be addressed by our religious leaders. And it’s certainly not specific to Muslims in Western countries.
Umm M
April 14, 2010 at 9:02 AM
Assalaamu alaykum,
Not to stray from the topic completely, but a lot of youth these days aren’t waiting for marriage to have relationships with the opposite gender, and unfortunately, there is an increasing amount of promiscuity amongst muslim teenagers. How do we address this, and what are its implications for marriage?
Amaana
April 14, 2010 at 6:12 PM
Jazakallah.
Amaana
http://www.imuslimmarriage.com
destinyseeker
April 16, 2010 at 4:58 PM
Question regarding the email series. While I agree with the importance of this series, and the importance of disseminating this knowledge with more openness (modeling after the Sunnah, as we read in Sh. YQ’s emails on Hadith Jabir), I question the need to make this knowledge so accessible to anyone who wishes to sign up for this?
I believe that one on one, or in a marriage course setting, this type of knowledge is mandatory, necessary, and shouldn’t be hidden out of modesty. But basically the email services allows anyone to sign up, even a 10 year old. Isn’t that a bit too open?
Madiha
April 17, 2010 at 11:05 PM
Asalamulaikum… I have a personal issue which I want to discuss.. can someone please please please tell me of someone who I can get in touch with via e-mail? someone who is knowledgeable on marriage issues? I would really appreciate it Jazakallah Khair!
S
April 26, 2010 at 1:48 AM
Assalamu alaikum Shaikh Yasir,
May this message find you in the best of health and iman.
I have tried to sign up to the course on likeagarment.com but it keeps coming up with an ‘Error 404 – Not found’ message. Is there any other way I can sign up to this event?
Jzk
Sincere Muslimah
May 5, 2010 at 5:54 AM
Assalamu alaikum Sheikh Yasir,
Great initiative, masha Allah. Your advice and insights into this very important but least discussed topic is very timely and badly needed. May Allah s.w.t. grant you every success in this endeavour and may this work benefit all our brothers and sisters, ameen. Jazakhallah khairun!
It’s particularly difficult for us practising muslims who don’t date and get to know our future partners to be thrown into “intimacy” right after marriage, especially when reality often falls short of our expectations of each other. I think the brothers would do well to heed the advice given in the Quran: to approach your wife as often as you wish, but do something for her soul first – meaning try to please her emotionally. It can do wonders!
I think, as our beloved Prophet (sal) said, if a husband and wife can be garments for each other in every sense of the word, their marriage can indeed be successful. What does a garment do? Protect us from the elements and other harm; are closest to us (next to our skins); hide our defects; and adorn and complete us.
If we could look at our partners kindly and try to be the best garment we can be, even our intimate life will be satisfying.
Wondering
May 7, 2010 at 9:41 AM
Thank God someone has decided to persue this topic. However, i cannot find the series..? Even after clicking on the link, I just get one page.
fathima
May 11, 2010 at 1:17 PM
Please up date me with all the lectures
Jazakallah Khair.
Karim
May 24, 2010 at 2:33 AM
Jizakallah khair Sh. Qadhi for this very important topic
I have very little contact with women, and honestly know very little about them, which is sad. I think i have a general understanding from the brothers, but from women?? lol no idea. I pray this helps me learn and understand how women think and feel about this issue, so that i may familiarize my self before i get married inshaAllah. Sooo many questions!!! lol
May Allah bless your efforts.
Muwahhid
May 24, 2010 at 3:17 AM
Asalamu alaikum Shaykh, will these recordings still be available if someone wants to sign up after the live classes due to not having the financial ability to pay by the class dates?
Insha’Allah, an answer would be greatly appreciated.
Ibraheem
July 22, 2010 at 7:36 PM
Assalamualaikum! This is a great article. In fact i love the whole blog! :) I appreciate any attempt which is made to clarify true Islam in front of the world. I myself have made a blog for this purpose. Its called: http://quranicperspective.blogspot.com
I invite all to visit it. You’ll find all ur questions about Islam, Quran, Muslims, Prophet Muhammad (peace be upon him), women, war etc answered on my blog. Plus lots of helpful links to other useful websites on the internet.
May Peace be upon all the people of the world! :) Peace within and peace without.
Tarek
August 19, 2010 at 5:31 PM
I grew up in a good Muslim family. Me and my sister had a good upbringing. Average for a British Pakistani family. What makes me different is my sister has decided to enter the adult entertainment business. Like any concerned brother I was against the idea. In our culture this is forbidden and would bring shame on my family. I could not understand how anyone could do this as a occupation, my sister especially she was a university graduate and Islamic studies teacher. I stopped talking to my sister for a year then realised it was me that was in the wrong. Nobody has a perfect family, I can’t force someone to be somthing they are not . My sister and I now talk I have accepted her career choice reluctantly but she is still is my sister still Muslim still Asian. I would like to hear from others in my situation and how they dealt with this situation. . For genuine comments please email me at mehmut786@hotmail.com
Mohammed
October 31, 2010 at 6:50 PM
Salamu Alikom, jazakoum Allahu Khair…
In my opinion, I think the poor communication between the husband and the wife is the first cause of these problems. Alot of muslim couples whom faces difficulties with each other are having it because of the poor communcation (or none) that they have between each other. In addition on that , in most cases, these couples will have diffculties communicationg with their kids about alot of stuff ( like merrige for example) , and thats how most the muslim kids will grow up not knowing anything ,about anything. And thats what forces some of them to go and figure out things by themselves, and that were most likely where they going to fall in mistakes and sins.
zara
November 3, 2010 at 6:43 AM
Asalamulaikum… I have a personal issue which I want to discuss.. can someone plz tell me of someone who I can get in touch by email someone who is knowledgeable on marriage issues? I would really appreciate it Jazakallah…my email is zara114@hotmail.com
Khan111
November 8, 2010 at 11:15 PM
Dear Sheikh QY,
I checked your website http://www.LikeAGarment.com but it says all the places are reserved… would it be possible to post some articles, recommendations and useful tips on the this topic in that website so it would be available for all the muslims visiting it. Without having to wait before their turn comes??? Thank you.
Abu Abderahmane
December 10, 2010 at 9:59 AM
Assalam alaikum,
Jazaka Allah khair Br. Naeem, I really like your analysis and somehow not all brothers/sisters
around here got your point.
Yes, times are different but our prophet (sala Allah alaihi wa salam)
and his companions, males and females, (radiya Allah ‘anhoum)
had a very fulfilling sexual life and we’ve a lot to learn from them.
We should not just say times are different, things are different, and the like, and then embark in the
“islamfication” boat …
Anyway. let’s learn the right knowledge and practice it.
Jazakum Allah khair,
Abu Abderahmane
A Muslim Woman
January 18, 2011 at 11:51 AM
Dear Br. Naeem,
The difference between then and now is simply that women wont as easily stay in unhappy relationships like they did in the past. In past generations, women would stay in unhappy marriages under familial pressure, for purposes of maintaining financial security, to avoid any stigma that leaving their spouse may have on their family, and to avoid humiliation at being a divorcee and becoming a burden on their family.
In the past, Men raised in traditional Muslim cultures were not generally taught to please their wives either emotionally or sexually. Unfortunately, so many men do not realize that just because their wives are fed and clothed doesnt mean that their needs are being met or that they are happy in their marriage.
Unfortunately, I believe that this is why there are so many divorces among Muslims this generation. I believe that the husbands expect their their wives to be satisfied by what they saw their Mothers and Fathers doing when at the same time wives want to be treated as a partner with needs and desires that deserve to be met..
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Adeeba
January 28, 2011 at 2:42 AM
As Sallam o Alaikum wa Rehmatullahee wa Barkatahu,
This is in reply to the “””Garment””” topic by brother Yaasir Qaadhi,a new outlook to an old issue,nice improvement.Masha’ALLAH.
I know I’m not looking at a bollywood romance news magazine or a Shakespeare Romance Novel,it is a very serious Love bond that needed to be pondered on.
To be honest brother Marriages were not made in heaven.
Surely ALLAH did make compatible Spouses male/female but it takes years to realize the bitter-sweet turnovers of a MARRIAGE,we are not in JAN-NAH to have the love of a Mills and Boons teen Novel the many hunks for the many beauties of Jan-nah.
This is Dun ya and like ALLAH(S.W.T) has clearly given in the Quran that i shall test you in your children and your spouses then the test subject material was not specified or even if it was then not related to each ones individual home and personal background unless it be Jurisprudence…
If SEX was the only reason to be the cause to separation then none of the spouse really loved it was mere flesh pulse rating which diminishes with age and is plainly LUST the love is not always Roses and Silver moonlight dinner for the two.
We are making an UMMAH being the khalifas of Rasul ALLAH (S.A.W) we are looking for a bond that holds on to that first look and the first kiss which blossoms with the children we want so much to see like the childhood you and i didn’t share together but being intimate even if it were just for once in a year or so yet i see your love blossom in front of my very eyes by the grace and mercy of ALLAH in the most PIOUS and RIGHTEOUS way together you still make me feel so special though we fought and hated to the verge of divorce though you cheated on me so often right under my nose etc.
The woman who shed her blood to deliver the children for a Pious and Pure Life expects that her children in turn shed their blood for the one who enriched them with the Life of Dunya in a form no one could create them in i.e.ALLAH(S.W.T) for the cause of ISLAM.
The eg: of Ibrabim(A.S) the Dua of Ibrahim(A.S) in Surah Ibrahim verse 35.followed by verse 36.
{35-O my Lord! Make this city Makkah one of PEACE and SECURITY and keep me and my Sons away from worshiping idols.}
{36-Oh my Lord! They have indeed led astray many among mankind.But whoso ever follows me,he is of me (Prophet Ibrahim) (A.S.)and whosoever disobeys me,still ALLAH(S.W.T) are indeed Oft-Forgiving,Most Merciful.
Insha’ALLAH,….
For the practicing Muslim/Muslima it should be like “At least i stood by the norms of HUMANITY in ISLAM and am still there as i was the first day of our Marriage ALHAMDULILLAH “.
So that is the way insha’ALLAH or somewhere near to the PEACE in our HEART that brings about the PEACE in our LIVES insha’ALLAH.
We don’t want to get bed-ridden with our LUST full endeavors do we?
But if either one is still not agreeing to the simple peaceful ways of life as it should be then there are optional solutions to every Human matter.
Sex is an ANIMAL ACT that is Hallal within the limits of hallal only if one exceeds the limits and wants a break from the marriage then no lecture or solution could change the satanic will of his/her evil desire.Nauzubillah.
And if Divorce be the only SOLUTION to peace so be it; after all TALAQ was one of the Hallal norms mentioned in the Noble Quran that was agreed upon with the saddest of detestation.
In the end May ALLAH (S.W.T) bring about an Ummah that loves for the sake of ALLAH and His Rasul(S.A.W).Ameen. The love for Khadija in the eyes and heart of Rasul ALLAH (S.A.W) is full of purity and admiration the kiss for Ayesha (R.A) in a Hadith during the fasting is surely the NAFS of security and well deserved preservation,Subhan’ALLAH do we see any disregard and shame in it,no we don’t.So it is a simple and plain growth of responsibilities towards one and all. Family,Relatives,Friends,Neighbors…
May we leave in peace insha’ALLAH.
ALLAH knows BEST of course.
As Sallam o Alaikum wa Rehmatullahee wa Barkatu.
Abd Al Malik
March 20, 2011 at 8:04 PM
As Sallam o Alaikum wa Rehmatullahee wa Barkatahu
*I would like to object for Muslim to use the term ‘sex’ or ‘sexuality’. Let us be stringent with words, too. They impact.
Ban the word sex if you want suxess!
By its connotations it diverts too much from what our primary objective as Muslims is and WHATEVER diverts is shirk and the garden with the subliminal rivers lost.
The subject is so much more tender and subtle, just as it is tender and subtle to keep up constant remembrance of Allah (dhikrAllah). And there we already get a first cue to a happy and contented Life suffused in sakina in that what at first sight one might consider and categorize as different exhibits the same qualities, namely tenderness, subtlety and when realized sublime bliss. Since the whole endeavor of a Muslim is in submitting, in being object to the One, to become One, it strikes me how congruent His invitation to Tawheed is with His offer to Muslimcouples to be one as each other’s covering.
Be sure to pronounce Bismillah when entering your wifes. O women, wombmen, submit in Rahma (rahma in arabic meaning is ‘womb’) to your beloved.
Americans in particular agonize between Spirit and Flesh and martyr themselves crucially. But Muslims realize they are a continuum, one. Allah has created everything in pairs (polarity) for His Ibadu, His serving adoration, AND NOT IN PARITY! As in parity of the sexes. If the marital union is half the Deen, it is only because nothing can come together without Allah. To forget His Presence results in immediate misery. Then there are just 2 individualists meeting; Ken and Barbie. But the planet cannot hold such a double burden ecologically. The submission of the wife to the husband, as he submits to Allah when entering her, when leaving her, when being with her, and the kids to their mother within her and without her, it is all a mirroring process of One! So, a Muslim Family is one, Like the wooden Russian dolls within eachother, and the earth is enogh to bear them. Did I deviate? No, tenderness is all about ecology, and economy, too. The family is also a business unit. It is the other end of it. As tenderness evolves, money matters will not infringe anymore, because Allah takes care of that (HE guarantees it in the Qur’an!) and the sacred sphere of intimacy where both husband and wife bow to Allah in Union becomes the secret of their hidden (or not so) success.
So, if you want success in this, purify your life, and especially your intimate life, from all and any references of the imposing but impotent kufr world. Stay firm within Tawheed and let it all develop from there…
If I can give a hint to the sisters in America from the desert shores of Mauritania, be submissive, trust it and enjoy it. Go for every word of your husband. Love the Imaan in it. Your husband will dearly love you and keep you.
Abd Al Malik
March 20, 2011 at 8:09 PM
Just as Allah cannot but love His serving slave of submission and draw him near. This is the surest of things.
Adam
April 25, 2011 at 2:36 PM
Life is a struggle. You can have your fun when you die. Sex and the opposite gender is a distraction and a big time waster at times.
For those who are not married yes this should be your top priority to get married.
When getting married or while married you should change the way you look at your “love life”
You can have a “love life” in Dunya but it should not be the majority thoughts of the day/week/month/year
You have Jannah for that to look forward to
Dunya is a prison for those who believe. Struggle it out choose the best half out there that will bring you closer to Allah and be happy when you struggle with your spouse romantically for your focus will not be on yourself, but consciously seeing your sacrifice(Islam) to please Allah.
Its your choice and has always been your choice Jannah now or Jannah later
And Allah knows best. Peace and blessings be upon you all. May Allah bring all of you closer to Him, and grant all those you love Jannah, see you there inshallah
Yusuf
April 26, 2011 at 9:47 PM
There is more to life than just your heart. Marry with Purpose. Plan with Purpose. Act with Purpose
ukht
June 10, 2011 at 5:46 AM
assalamu aalikum,
the payment page for the course is still up http://www.likeagarment.com/payoptions/ does this mean that one can purchase the recordings? if not, is there a way this can be arranged? i really need the recordings as i will be getting married soon inshallah and will benefit immensely for this course. unfortunately i could not register for the coruse at its own time due to financial restrictions
any help would be much appreciated
Abu Ibraheem
March 4, 2012 at 10:14 AM
I think the “sheikhs” here should be very careful about what they are teaching. If a husband and wife are perfectly happy in their relations even if those relations aren;t perfect they know no better until of course either – particularly the women- comes across “sheikh” yasser’s expert advice which then sets a standard which either of them may simply not be able to meet and thus the case for divorce occurs – Sheikh Yasser needs to stop this kinda of stuff.
Rosa
March 17, 2013 at 2:17 AM
An interesting and needed topic.
saeedummulkhair
January 17, 2014 at 3:32 AM
what are the condition for a marriage to take place