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Family Troubles Of The Prophets: A MuslimMatters Series – [Part II] My Kids Are Out Of Control

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Prophet Yaqub 'alayhi'l-salām (peace be upon him) and Sons Out of Control

If we hear of a family today where all the others bully one sibling, we may ask – well, what are the parents doing about it? We know that Prophet Yaqub 'alayhi'l-salām (peace be upon him) was a divinely guided Prophet of Allah subḥānahu wa ta'āla (glorified and exalted be He), and we all look up to our Prophets with great respect. But also try to imagine Prophet Yaqub 'alayhi'l-salām (peace be upon him) as a regular dad agonizing over what sinister plots his out-of-control sons might cook up to hurt Yusuf 'alayhi'l-salām (peace be upon him). Think of how desperately he wanted to protect Yusuf 'alayhi'l-salām (peace be upon him) and find a way to repair the relationships between his children. Imagine the frustration he endured when he saw or came to know of another messed up thing one of them had done to poor Yusuf 'alayhi'l-salām (peace be upon him). How about we picture the urgent conversations he’s had with his wife or trusted friends and all the solutions he had tried but failed? 

Imagining Prophet Yaqub’s 'alayhi'l-salām (peace be upon him) predicament in such a way helps us better empathize and sympathize with him as parents. And when we consider that a Prophet himself could not have better managed the dynamics between his children to the extent that one was nearly murdered, it puts our own suffering into context. It helps us realize that as parents, we can only do so much. Not everything is in our control. Even though we are the heads of our families, sometimes our children will not conform to the transparent divides of right and wrong we guide them towards.

“He said, ‘O my son, do not relate your vision to your brothers or they will contrive against you a plan. Indeed Satan, to man, is a manifest enemy. Surely Satan is a sworn enemy to humankind. [Surah Yusuf; 12:5] 

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Prophet Yaqub 'alayhi'l-salām (peace be upon him) had the wisdom to accept that his influence wasn’t the only factor that swayed his children. He acknowledges that Shaytan and the forces of evil are powerful and that his children could fall prey to them. Of course, he still tried to protect Yusuf 'alayhi'l-salām (peace be upon him) and call his sons back to the truth, but there was only so much he can do, as guidance is ultimately in Allah’s subḥānahu wa ta'āla (glorified and exalted be He) Hands.

“And they brought upon his shirt false blood. [Jacob] said, ‘Rather, your souls have enticed you to something, so patience is most fitting. And Allah is the one sought for help against that which you describe.'” [Surah Yusuf: 12;18]

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Prophet Yusuf [alayhis] faced personal grief on an elevated level. [PC: Bernd Dittrich (unsplash)]

Prophet Yaqub 'alayhi'l-salām (peace be upon him) shows us how to live with the reality that Allah subḥānahu wa ta'āla (glorified and exalted be He) guides only some people and not all. Imagine Prophet Yaqub 'alayhi'l-salām (peace be upon him) as an average father. It would be excruciating for any father to endure a situation in which his children killed anyone out of spite. How disappointed would any parent be to find out such horrifying news? But when we factor in that his sons killed their sibling, one of his children–that makes it so much worse because he is facing personal grief on an additional level. He might never see his favorite son again, and the world may have lost a Prophet. This incredible patience and resiliency of spirit, even though it devastates Prophet Yaqub 'alayhi'l-salām (peace be upon him) to the extent that it causes him to lose his eyesight, is a powerful reminder of the hardships that any parent can suffer at the hands of their disobedient children. The silver lining in Prophet Yaqub’s 'alayhi'l-salām (peace be upon him) story is that his sons eventually repent from their terrible deed, and his family reunite. As struggling parents, we can try our best to endure our situations patiently and keep turning to Allah subḥānahu wa ta'āla (glorified and exalted be He) to guide our children. 

Prophet Nuh 'alayhi'l-salām (peace be upon him) and a Disobedient Son

We know that Prophet Nuh 'alayhi'l-salām (peace be upon him) famously leads his followers safely through a catastrophic flood. We might also know that Prophet Nuh 'alayhi'l-salām (peace be upon him) could not save his son’s life during the flood. Although he calls out to his son directly and invites him aboard the ship [Surah Hud; 11:42], his son then refuses in a very ignorant way. Prophet Nuh’s 'alayhi'l-salām (peace be upon him) son’s reply shows his lack of faith in Allah subḥānahu wa ta'āla (glorified and exalted be He) as the All-Powerful God. His son says in the Quran,

“[But] he said, “I will take refuge on a mountain to protect me from the water.” [Noah] said, “There is no protector today from the decree of Allah, except for whom He gives mercy.” And the waves came between them, and he was among the drowned.” [Surah Hud: 11;43]

“I will take refuge on a mountain, which will protect me from the water,” he says. Prophet Nuh 'alayhi'l-salām (peace be upon him) desperately gives him sincere advice and dawah, immediately responding, “Today no one is protected from Allah’s decree…” But his son does not accept his father’s final plea. Waves separate them, and his son drowns. 

Do we not think that Prophet Nuh 'alayhi'l-salām (peace be upon him) tried his best to give da’wah to his son and teach him the truth for many years before the flood? We know what an intimate bond a father and son share and how much facetime they must have had living as a family. He must have been one of the best role models a child could ever ask for…but still, even though Prophet Nuh 'alayhi'l-salām (peace be upon him) fought until the last second to protect and guide his son, he was ultimately unable to save his son from Allah’s subḥānahu wa ta'āla (glorified and exalted be He) terrifying punishment. 

Imagine how much heartbreak Nuh 'alayhi'l-salām (peace be upon him) feels when he realizes that he has managed to save the lives of elephants and dozens of random animals, but not one of his own flesh and blood. In the following verses of Surat Hud, Allah subḥānahu wa ta'āla (glorified and exalted be He) reveals just how challenging it is for Nuh 'alayhi'l-salām (peace be upon him) to see his son drown in front of his eyes. He says to Allah subḥānahu wa ta'āla (glorified and exalted be He), “‘Certainly my son is also of my family,’’’ conveying the deep hurt he feels when his son dies [Surah Hud, 11:45]. Nuh 'alayhi'l-salām (peace be upon him) is referring to Allah’s subḥānahu wa ta'āla (glorified and exalted be He) Decree in ayah 40, where Allah subḥānahu wa ta'āla (glorified and exalted be He) uses the Arabic word “ahlika,” your family, to describe the people that Nuh 'alayhi'l-salām (peace be upon him) is responsible for collecting onto the ship. In ayah 46, Allah subḥānahu wa ta'āla (glorified and exalted be He) replies,

 

‘He said, “O Noah, indeed he is not of your family; indeed, he is [one whose] work was other than righteous, so ask Me not for that about which you have no knowledge. Indeed, I advise you, lest you be among the ignorant.”

Some scholars have mentioned the word “ahl” in these verses in Surat Hud and also in Surat al-Anbiya, which is better defined as followers than family. Still, there is obviously some linguistic allowance for Nuh 'alayhi'l-salām (peace be upon him) to feel confused about why his son died. As his story in this surah continues, we see that Nuh 'alayhi'l-salām (peace be upon him) obediently accepts Allah’s subḥānahu wa ta'āla (glorified and exalted be He) Will with Prophetic patience – but that does not detract from how painful his situation truly is. 

We know Nuh 'alayhi'l-salām (peace be upon him) tries to guide his son until the very end, but it is not enough. There are Muslim parents out there who are living the same reality. They have tried and tried to help guide their children towards Islam and leading upright lives for years. Through no deficiency of their own, Allah subḥānahu wa ta'āla (glorified and exalted be He) had decreed that their children would never accept divine guidance, and their children have died outside of a state of submission to Allah subḥānahu wa ta'āla (glorified and exalted be He) .

Just like Nuh 'alayhi'l-salām (peace be upon him) vocalizes in Surat Hud, parents in similar situations may feel unimaginable grief and confusion. Maybe there is the addition of shame when going to the masjid or out to community events because of the rumors surrounding this child. Although these parents suffer from a painful situation, it is a small comfort that they are in the great company of Prophet Nuh 'alayhi'l-salām (peace be upon him) and can make his heart-wrenching dua during difficult times:

“[Noah] said, “My Lord, I seek refuge in You from asking that of which I have no knowledge. And unless You forgive me and have mercy upon me, I will be among the losers.” [Surah Al-Hud: 11;47]

Some of us parents may have children who have done terrible things. It could be a child who has committed murder, stopped praying or renounced their faith, has a haram lifestyle with romantic relationships or substance use, or acts in hurtful ways to their parents, whom they should respect the most in this world. Understanding the plight of Prophets Yaqub 'alayhi'l-salām (peace be upon him) and Nuh 'alayhi'l-salām (peace be upon him) at an intimate level helps those of us who are facing the unthinkable cope with the reality that we cannot always control our children.

 

Related:

Did The Prophet ﷺ Wear Glasses? – Raising Your Children To Be Resilient Muslims

Parenting Older Kids: Focusing On Success In The Deen

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Meena is a writer, podcaster, high school English teacher, wife, and new mom. She loves working with Muslim youth and is interested in literature, arts, and culture. She studied Comparative Literature and Creative Writing at the University of California, Irvine and has a Master’s in Education from the University of Illinois at Urbana-Champaign. She briefly dabbled in Classical Arabic studies in the US and is also studying the Asharah Qira'aat/10 Recitations. Check out her podcast and website Brown Teacher Reads: the brown literature circle you always wanted to be in. (brownteacherreads.com)

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