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Podcast: How Intimate Can a Couple be Post-Nikkah, but Pre-Marriage? | Yaser Birjas

Question:

I just had my nikkah done with my husband and we are having our rukhsati done soon (in the next few months). The reason for [the] delay is just mainly to prepare for the wedding and  [to] accommodate family members’ schedule [for] the wedding. After the nikkah is it permissible to do all the acts that are permissible between a husband and wife even if the rukhsati hasn’t been done?

Sincerely,
Getting married in my 20s

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The Prophet (SAW) has taught us the best of deeds are those that done consistently, even if they are small. Click here to support MuslimMatters with a monthly donation of $2 per month. Set it and collect blessings from Allah (swt) for the khayr you're supporting without thinking about it.

5 Comments

5 Comments

  1. Avatar

    Hafiz Gee

    March 22, 2020 at 2:44 AM

    Correct answer: social distancing! couple must maintain 2m separation at all times and proper hand hygiene.

  2. Zeba Khan

    Zeba Khan

    March 24, 2020 at 12:12 AM

    (lol)

  3. Avatar

    Rattilonline

    April 8, 2020 at 7:50 AM

    Jazakom Allah khayra

  4. Avatar

    TellawaOnline

    April 8, 2020 at 7:54 AM

    Jazakom Allah khayra

  5. Avatar

    Shabz83

    May 18, 2020 at 9:23 PM

    I don’t get it. Just don’t get it! What is the point of it? It’s like a halal dating contract (with a clause) that says if you happen to have sex during this time because you can’t help yourself (which is totes natural), it will not be considered a sin. But preferable to not have sex until the ruksati/marriage party because the old folk will frown upon it. But technically you can have sex as it’s halal under this type of contract. The idea is that it’s better than haraam dating. Omg, This is like BoJo telling us to stay at home but go to work but also stay at home.

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Family and Community

Make Haram Policing Great Again: Time to Bring Back Some Good Ol’ Nahy ‘An Il-Munkar

“Watch out for the Haram Police!”

It’s only half a joke – where even just recently the term “haram policing” applied to over-zealous masjid uncles and aunties, and obnoxious wallah bros, it is now the first thing hurled at anyone who dares remind anyone else that Islam does, in fact, consist of certain rules to follow and that there are indeed such things as ‘sins.’ Whether one is talking about LGBTQ issues, hijab, music, or mixed-gender relationships, it is no longer considered acceptable to bring up the fact that Islam itself is a faith that is very much structured based on what is and is not permissible according to our Creator.

The call to enjoin the good and forbid the evil is repeated throughout the Qur’an, yet the second half of that prescription has been almost completely neglected today. 

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The consequences of not forbidding evil are clear today, most obviously amongst youth, and especially on social media. Islam itself is seen as a cultural identity marker, with even outward symbols such as hijab seen as almost entirely divorced from the concept of obedience to Allah and instead viewed as a form of identity politics, faux-rebellion, and interpreted “personally” in such a way as to make it spiritually meaningless. Salah itself has become the butt of TikTok jokes; calling out foul language, vulgar music, sexualized behaviour, and more is seen as laughable, because who cares anymore? None of that’s a big deal anymore, after all. 

An extremely concerning aspect of all of this is not that those who are engaging in these spiritually damaging behaviour are merely ignorant laypeople; rather, is it that those who exhibit signs of some religious literacy, who have the outward signs of some religiosity, who do, in fact, engage in some level of religious learning or dialogue, are actively participating in these behaviours. It’s a matter of people who should know better – who do know better – and yet have chosen not to do better. For some, it may not be a deliberate choice to disobey Allah, but that the understanding of the limits of Allah’s boundaries has been so downplayed and undermined that it barely registers at all in one’s conscious decision-making. So many sinful actions have been normalized, to the extent that even those who would identify themselves as “religious” and “practising” find it difficult to be cognizant of just how seriously wrong those actions are, and what the deeper spiritual implications of those behaviours are. 

Bad Track Record of Haram Policing

To be fair, haram policing has not had the best of track records. At its height in the late 90s and early 2000s, there was an overwhelming culture of hyper-criticism, of attacking even the most sincere and well-meaning individuals of deliberately sinning, and a complete and utter lack of empathy and compassion for fellow Muslims. There was no wisdom or tact, even in justified cases, and the result was more than one generation of spiritually crippled Muslims on one side, and burnt out, shamefaced former accusers on the other. Men were not the only perpetrators of haram policing either; women were just as harsh, and downright vicious, between themselves, being lightning-quick to judge, gossip, and slander one another in the name of “forbidding the evil.” The consequences were devastating, and resulted in a sense of betrayal and distrust towards “religious people,” who never had a kind word to say and were swift to criticize others’ perceived lack of faith. 

The mid-2000s became a time of resentment and kneejerk reactions against anyone who spoke about prohibited actions in Islam, with more emphasis placed on removing all judgement; those who did speak up in a critical manner about concerning behaviours and trends were automatically dismissed as “haraam police.” While the masjid uncles and aunties and wallah bros continued to embody the worst of the haraam police stereotype, the label came to be applied even to those who sincerely and kindly sought to uphold the rulings and regulations of Islam. As a result, more and more public figures in the da’wah scene fell silent over issues deemed to be unpopular or controversial, and which they feared would push people away from the overall da’wah. Those who did try to talk about those topics were accused of “pushing away the youth” and “turning people away from the Deen.” All too often, we see sheer arrogance in response to warning against any sins.

And when it is said to him, “Fear Allah,” pride in the sin takes hold of him…. (2:206)

The Messenger of Allah said, “Verily among the greatest of sins in the sight of Allah is for a person to be told, ‘Fear Allah,’ to which he responds, ‘Mind your own business!’” (Sunan Nasa’i)

Today, we find ourselves in a place where it is seen as dangerous and damaging to the collective faith of the Ummah if one ever dares to speak about those issues from the perspective of Qur’an and Sunnah, rather than the perspective of the (latest version of) secular leftist values. These topics include, but are not limited to, the Islamic rulings on LGBTQ, sexuality, gender, hijab, makeup, music, and mixed-gender relationships. Additionally, issues specifically related to Muslim women’s spirituality are considered completely out-of-bounds for male scholars to discuss. Certainly, there has been too much emotional and cultural baggage taught as “Islam,” but the subsequent problem is that there has been a dearth of female scholarship to address those topics as necessary. There is an echoing silence on these issues, and the lack of strong female leadership has been just as damaging as the previous decades’ harm. 

In the Qur’an, Allah commands us repeatedly to enjoin the good and forbid the evil – not one without the other, but always in tandem. As Ummatul Wasat, we are meant to follow the middle way, to be just and balanced, and never to veer too strongly towards one extreme or the other. Obviously, as we have seen above, the consequences of falling into either extreme are incredibly detrimental to the spiritual wellbeing of the entire Ummah.

Allah says:

Surah Imran

You are the best nation produced [as an example] for mankind. You enjoin what is right and forbid what is wrong and believe in Allah. If only the People of the Scripture had believed, it would have been better for them. Among them are believers, but most of them are defiantly disobedient. (3:110)

Surah Imran

The believing men and believing women are allies of one another. They enjoin what is right and forbid what is wrong and establish prayer and give zakah and obey Allah and His Messenger. Those – Allah will have mercy upon them. Indeed, Allah is Exalted in Might and Wise. (9:71)

O my son, establish prayer, enjoin what is right, forbid what is wrong, and be patient over what befalls you. Indeed, [all] that is of the matters [requiring] determination. (31:17)

Clearly, it is not enough to simply “enjoin the good” and leave it at that – indeed, the Qur’an also warns us of what happens to those who blatantly disregard the Divine prohibitions, and to those who passively allowed these sins to take place without making any attempt to warn against them.

Say, “O People of the Scripture, do not exceed limits in your religion beyond the truth and do not follow the inclinations of a people who had gone astray before and misled many and have strayed from the soundness of the way.” Cursed were those who disbelieved among the Children of Israel by the tongue of David and of Jesus, the son of Mary. That was because they disobeyed and [habitually] transgressed. They used not to prevent one another from wrongdoing that they did. How wretched was that which they were doing. (5:77-79)

The emphasis on forbidding the evil is so great that it is mentioned in the famous story of the Sabbath-breakers:

And ask them about the town that was by the sea – when they transgressed in [the matter of] the sabbath – when their fish came to them openly on their sabbath day, and the day they had no sabbath they did not come to them. Thus did We give them trial because they were defiantly disobedient. And when a community among them said, “Why do you advise [or warn] a people whom Allah is [about] to destroy or to punish with a severe punishment?” they [the advisors] said, “To be absolved before your Lord and perhaps they may fear Him.”

And when they forgot that by which they had been reminded, We saved those who had forbidden evil and seized those who wronged, with a wretched punishment, because they were defiantly disobeying. (7:163-165)

“By the One in Whose hand is my soul, you must certainly command the good and forbid evil, or else a punishment from Him would soon be sent upon you, after which you would call upon Him yet your supplication (dua) would not be answered.” (Tirmidhi)

Without actively maintaining the forbidding of evil in our communities, we may very well end up accountable for the sins of our people, even if we ourselves are not committing those sins directly. Without forbidding evil, we are allowing evil to spread in our communities; without enforcing any religious boundaries, we are in fact passively encouraging the transgression of Allah’s boundaries. 

Neither parents nor du’aat are ready to – or even equipped to – discuss many of the common issues today found on social media and in real life, let alone the even more serious matter of the attitudes driving all of these behaviours. The lack of forbidding evil hasn’t just normalized outward sins, but has allowed the normalization of attitudes and mentalities which poison our fitrah and shred apart our spiritual well-being. This is even worse than just normalizing outward sins – at least if it was just outward sins, while recognizing that they are sinful, there would still be a starting point of understanding Allah’s Laws and acknowledging that one is transgressing them. Instead, we are now in a place where there is complete refusal to accept that Allah’s Prohibitions and Commands have any meaning at all; everything is up to individual interpretation, and anything in the Qur’an can be interpreted away into irrelevance. Sins are, apparently, just another social construct, rather than Divinely punishable actions that have devastating, far-reaching personal and social consequences. 

It is definitely time to make haram policing great again. (Okay, yes, I said that just to rile you up, dear reader. You have to admit, it’s why you clicked on this article in the first place.) In all seriousness, what we need is to bring back nahy ‘an il-munkar – not in the tactless, harsh, and damaging manner of the 90s, but in the compassionate and firm way that our entire Ummah desperately needs today. 

Invite (mankind, O Muhammad) to the way of your Lord (i.e. Islam) with wisdom (i.e. with the Divine Revelation and the Qur’an) and fair preaching, and argue with them in a way that is better. Truly, your Lord knows best who has gone astray from His path, and He is the Best Aware of those who are guided. (al-Nahl 16:125)

The Messenger of Allah said: “Religion is sincerity.” We said, “To whom?” He said, “To Allah and His Book, and His Messenger, and to the leaders of the Muslims and their common folk.” (Narrated by Muslim, 95)

Hold On To The Compassion While Forbidding Evil

The last decade or so has been spent building up compassion and empathy, which is absolutely necessary in da’wah, at every level. There must be an understanding of where people are coming from, what their history and their backgrounds are, and what personal traumas they are struggling with. There should never be a sense of glee in attacking someone personally, or making claims or accusations about someone’s private spiritual state. At the same time, however, the role of those in da’wah is to engage in both general da’wah as well as personal, individualized da’wah – meaning that there is still a requirement to inform and educate the masses about the seriousness of sins, to emphasize the Divine wisdoms behind the prohibitions made clear in Islam, and to push back against the normalization of those sins in the Ummah. It is not enough to have a “feel good” da’wah that turns a blind eye to entire sections of our Deen, nor is it appropriate to have a culture of religious condemnation to the exclusion of all else. Watering down the Deen so that people can feel good about themselves doesn’t help anyone, except Iblis. One can, in fact, be compassionate towards others without encouraging or enabling the transgression of Allah’s limits. 

A new era of haram policing is required, and it must begin in the home. As parents, we are all shepherds of our flocks; we will be accountable on the Day of Judgment and questioned about what we allowed our children to be exposed to, what we passively and actively permitted, and the ignorance we allowed ourselves instead of putting in the effort to prioritize our childrens’ Akhirah over worldly entertainment and pursuits. Certainly, this doesn’t mean shutting everything down with one’s children and being unduly harsh on them – we parents need to have open communication with our kids, especially to help them understand why rules and regulations are in place. It does, however, mean that we cannot allow ourselves to be guilt-tripped by our kids (which is a very common tactic these days), and to remember that we are meant to be our kids’ parents – not their friends. Sometimes we do have to be the bad guy, in order to ultimately be the good guy on the Day of Judgment. 

Our Ummah is in a state of global crisis on every level, not just geopolitically, but within our own homes and in our privileged Western Muslim communities. We are in a state of poisoned spirituality, where Muslims who publicly sin for entertainment is not only acceptable, but shared and encouraged; where even mentioning the concept of sins and punishment of the Hereafter turns someone in the target of vicious attacks; where there is little acknowledgement or respect of Allah’s limits and boundaries. “Feel good” faith has severe consequences in the Akhirah, yet too many parents and du’aat have shied away from forbidding the evil alongside with enjoining the good. As a result, we have ended up with generations of adults and youth alike who do not understand the seriousness of the spiritual implications of these normalized sins.

Allah repeatedly commands us in the Qur’an to enjoin the good and forbid the evil; one cannot be utilized to the exclusion of the other. As individuals, as parents, as religious educators and as leaders in our communities, we must all uphold the obligation of amr bi’l ma’roof and nahy ‘an il-munkar, for the spiritual well-being of our community as a whole.

Make haram policing great again – to make this Ummah great again.

And [recall] when We took the covenant from the Children of Israel, [enjoining upon them], “Do not worship except Allah ; and to parents do good and to relatives, orphans, and the needy. And speak to people good [words] and establish prayer and give zakah.” Then you turned away, except a few of you, and you were refusing. (2:83)

Never a Prophet had been sent before me by Allah towards his nation who had not among his people (his) disciples and companions who followed his ways and obeyed his command. Then there came after them their successors who said whatever they did not practise, and practised whatever they were not commanded to do. He who strove against them with his hand was a believer: he who strove against them with his tongue was a believer, and he who strove against them with his heart was a believer and beyond that there is no faith even to the extent of a mustard seed. (Muslim)

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#Current Affairs

Role of The Faqih: A Case Study In The Closures Of Mosques During COVID-19

When the announcement of the closure of mosques came in the UK, the Muslims divided into two parties; there were those who opposed this decision whilst others were in favor of this decision. Those against began to deem those mosques as not wanting good for the Muslims and as straying away from the sunnah whilst throwing all sorts of accusations against those scholars of Fiqh who issued this ruling. As for the second group who were in favor of the ruling, they cited medical benefits in closing down the mosques (i.e. preventing spreading) as well as applying their logic to the situation. Before delving deeper into this issue, we need to first understand who the Faqih is, as well as what power of authority the Fuqaha have in Islam.

Who is the Faqih?

In traditional Islamic scholarship, the Faqih is the scholar who specialises in the field of Fiqh (Islamic jurisprudence). This speciality does not come over night, but rather through many years -perhaps even decades- of studying, training and then applying those skills developed, as with an any other field of profession. The student of Fiqh begins by studying the basics of the Shari’ah through studying a number of primer texts at this level. This level of study will normally be done based upon a single Madhab (school of thought) and can take up to a year or two depending upon the speed of their teacher. Once the student becomes prolific and understands the rulings of Fiqh of a particular Madhab, they will then move onto the second level, known as Marhalatu At-Tadleel (the level of evidences). This second level will allow a person to now look at the various rulings that they had learnt in level one and analyse the evidence that these rulings are based on. The next level up is Marhalatu Al-Muqaran (the level of comparative jurisprudence). At this stage, a person begins to learn about the different schools of thought and how they differ in their rulings, along with analyzing the evidences for these differences in opinion. This stage of study is the most vital as it can take anything between three to five years. The final level then is Marhalatu At-Takhasus (the level of specialisation) by which a student of Fiqh spends a year or two gaining the tools in analysing Islamic jurisprudence, enabling them to issue a ruling based upon a specific circumstance. The years spent to successfully complete each level may differ from teacher to teacher, or from institute to institute.

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Now the question arises: those who dispute or speak ill of the scholars of Fiqh for their ruling, which level are you at (that is if you have started!)? After all these years of study, you will find that the true Faqih is tolerant and easy going in issues where legitimate differences of opinion exist and that is because knowledge truly humbles you. As for the person who has studied very little Fiqh however, you will find them rigid in their approach.

‘Dar Al-Mafasid wa Jalb Al-Masa’lih’

When a Faqih issues a ruling, not only do they rely upon the science of Fiqh in deducing that ruling, but they will use a number of other sciences to support their extrapolation. As mentioned previously pertaining to the ‘level of specialisation’, the student of Fiqh gains some tools: these are grasping an understanding of those supporting sciences; Usul Al-Fiqh (Foundations of Islamic Jurisprudence), Qawaid Al-Fiqh (Principles of Islamic Jurisprudence) and Maqasid Ash-Shari’ah (Objectives of Islamic Law). A true Faqih will use all of these sciences to arrive at a ruling. We have the perception that when a Faqih issues a ruling, they pull it out from their back pocket, but no, a lot of work goes into this. If we now apply this to the issue of the closure of the mosques due to COVID-19, let us analyse this issue.

In the science of Qawaid Al-Fiqh, we have a principle known as ‘Dar Al-Mafasid wa Jalb Al-Masa’lih’ (warding off the harms and bringing the benefit) which essentially entails ‘weighing the pros and cons.’ An action or item may be deemed impermissible due to the overwhelming harm it may bring even if it brings some sort of benefit. An easy example to understand this principle is the issue of alcohol which Allah subḥānahu wa ta'āla (glorified and exalted be He) spoke about within the Qur’an:

يَسْأَلُونَكَ عَنِ الْخَمْرِ وَالْمَيْسِرِ ۖ قُلْ فِيهِمَا إِثْمٌ كَبِيرٌ وَمَنَافِعُ لِلنَّاسِ وَإِثْمُهُمَا أَكْبَرُ مِن نَّفْعِهِمَا
They ask you about alcohol and gambling. Say, ‘In them is great sin and benefit for people. But their sin is greater than their benefit’” [Surah Baqarah; 219]

Allah subḥānahu wa ta'āla (glorified and exalted be He) acknowledges that there is some benefit within alcohol, but Allah subḥānahu wa ta'āla (glorified and exalted be He) mentions that it also contains evil, meaning it has its harms. A person who consumes alcohol becomes intoxicated whilst their intellect becomes tainted; they lose control over their speech and actions, potentially leading them to commit horrific sins such murder or fornication. How many crimes do we see being committed due to the effects of intoxication? In another mode of recitation, this verse replaces the word كَبِيرٌ (great) to كثير (many). Both recitations are valid, and from the beauty of the science of Qiraat in showing the miraculous nature of the Qur’an, is that the different modes of recitation complement one another. Not only is the evil contained with alcohol great, but it leads to many types of evil. So because of this greater harm over the benefit, alcohol is impermissible in Islam.

Maqasid Ash-Shari’ah

If you look specifically at the issue of the closure of mosques, there is benefit in keeping them open during COVID-19: people will be able to come and worship Allah subḥānahu wa ta'āla (glorified and exalted be He) together, boost their Imaan, benefit from the Jumu’ah khutbah, strengthen brotherhood and sisterhood but at the same time, there are harms attached with this. Keeping mosques open could allow the mixing of people to cause the virus to spread amongst each other (carriers spreading it to those who are healthy) which could potentially cause death. At this juncture, I want to bring in another related science of Islam: the science of Maqasid Ash-Shari’ah. This science outlines the objectives of Islam and presents them as five:

  1. Protection of Faith or religion (din)
  2. Protection of Life (nafs)
  3. Protection of Lineage (nasl)
  4. Protection of Intellect (‘aql)
  5. Protection of Property/Wealth (mal)

All of the laws of the Shari’ah are based upon achieving these five objectives. For example, the Shari’ah prohibits a Muslim from visiting soothsayers or practising magic because it involves kufr which can destroy a person’s faith. In another example, why did Allah subḥānahu wa ta'āla (glorified and exalted be He) forbid fornication and adultery? If a child is born out wedlock, the lineage is destroyed, thus not fulfilling one of the objectives of the Shari’ah. The earlier example of the prohibition of alcohol is a means of preserving one’s intellect which is objective number four in the science of Maqasid Ash-Shari’ah. Moreover, an illustration of Islam’s preservation of a person’s wealth is the prohibition of ambiguous business transactions like that of gambling because a person is uncertain of how much they will gain. When a buyer and a seller meet to trade, the price and the product/service must be clarified for both parties to understand and have full acknowledgement of; it is impermissible for a person to pay for something in return for an ambiguous product or service.

One of the objectives of the Shari’ah is to preserve life. The coronavirus has proven to be a fatal and we have recently seen that it does not differentiate in attacking between the young, old, sick or healthy; everyone is susceptible. Anyone who contracts it can find them self in a life-threatening situation. So yes, keeping mosques open during this pandemic has its benefits, but the harms it brings is far greater, and the sciences of Islamic jurisprudence dictates that if harm is greater than the evil we must leave or push away that harm.

Learning from the Seerah

During the lifetime of the Prophet ṣallallāhu 'alayhi wa sallam (peace and blessings of Allāh be upon him), the scholars of Seerah state that the Jumu’ah prayer was made obligatory in Makkah, however despite this the Prophet ṣallallāhu 'alayhi wa sallam (peace and blessings of Allāh be upon him) never offered the Jumu’ah prayer in those 10 years until he migrated to Madinah. When he came to the boundary of Madinah -what we know today to be Quba- the Prophet ṣallallāhu 'alayhi wa sallam (peace and blessings of Allāh be upon him) offered the first Jumu’ah prayer in Islam. The scholars mentioned that from the reasons the Prophet ṣallallāhu 'alayhi wa sallam (peace and blessings of Allāh be upon him) did not offer Jumu’ah prayer within Makkah despite it being legislated by Allah subḥānahu wa ta'āla (glorified and exalted be He) was due to the hostile environment created by the pagan Arabs against Islam. The Prophet ṣallallāhu 'alayhi wa sallam (peace and blessings of Allāh be upon him) remained patient and thus, Allah subḥānahu wa ta'āla (glorified and exalted be He) blessed him when he conquered Makkah some years later proclaiming the greatness of Allah subḥānahu wa ta'āla (glorified and exalted be He). Similarly, we too must be patient upon the decree of Allah subḥānahu wa ta'āla (glorified and exalted be He). The Prophet ṣallallāhu 'alayhi wa sallam (peace and blessings of Allāh be upon him) was -and still is- the best human being created by Allah subḥānahu wa ta'āla (glorified and exalted be He) and the most God-fearing, yet he had Fiqh to understand his situation and the circumstances around him. This is how the Faqih has been trained to pass his rulings. Even if you look within the books of Islamic history, when life-threatening plagues would hit the Ottoman empire, the mosques would close so as to prevent the plague from spreading and taking lives. Yes, it causes us emotional pain to see the mosques closed because of our love and attachment to the House of Allah subḥānahu wa ta'āla (glorified and exalted be He) but our religion is not based upon emotions, rather upon evidence and principles.

If we fall ill, we would take the advice of a medical doctor because we know that they are specifically qualified and trained to deal with our health. However, when a Faqih, known for their credibility and truthfulness within the science of Fiqh explains an issue, why do we brush them off?Click To Tweet Yes, we can seek further elaboration, but dismissing them without a just or valid reason is something which Islam is most certainly against.

The objective of this article is to provide a small insight into the role of the Faqih and how they operate with the amazing and vast science of Fiqh in order for us to achieve greater appreciation for the sciences of Islam and the roles played in delivering those sciences to the general Muslims. Our religion mandates that we take knowledge from credible sources and people. During this pandemic, it is essential we take medical guidance from qualified doctors and experts, and as for Islamic guidance, we take the advice of qualified scholars and Fuqaha. When a new contemporary issue arises facing the Muslims, abstain from being the first to speak regarding its rulings, but rather wait for the bona fide Fuqaha to speak and thereafter, seek guidance and clarification. For as Allah subḥānahu wa ta'āla (glorified and exalted be He) mentions within the Qur’an:

فَاسْأَلُوا أَهْلَ الذِّكْرِ إِن كُنتُمْ لَا تَعْلَمُونَ
So ask the people of knowledge if you do not know.” [Surah Anbiya; 7]

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#Islam

A Primer On Intimacy And Fulfillment Of A Wife’s Desires Based On The Writings Of Scholars Of The Past

*For mature audiences only

This short piece is intended to provide insight on the troubling and detrimental lack of understanding among Muslim men for the necessity and virtue of the female orgasm during sexual intercourse in married couples.  The importance of the female orgasm is substantiated by naṣṣ of Qurʾān, corroborated by the ḥadīth of Rasūlullāh ṣallallāhu 'alayhi wa sallam (peace and blessings of Allāh be upon him) , and has been elaborated upon by the fuqahāʾ throughout the centuries.

Many Muslim sisters have taken it upon themselves to tackle the issue online and anyone who has love and concern for the Muslim community should praise their efforts.  In initiating conversation on this matter, they have shown concern, initiative and courage worthy of the followers of Rasūlullāh .  The benefit which their writings, webinars, round-table talks have provided is obvious to anyone who ponders.  It is a known principle among the fuqahāʾ that knowledge is to be imparted to the masses by order of its need and prevalence of troubles within the masses.

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The anonymous testimonies of our Muslim sisters are undoubtedly a justification for drawing the attention of our Muslim brothers to what authentic Islām teaches us on the subject.  It is also known among the fuqahāʾ that women are the only legitimate source of information for matters specific to them; such as the different patterns of menstruation and post-natal bleeding.  Consequently, the only legitimate source for determining whether and to which magnitude the issue of reaching orgasm during intercourse is pertinent to Muslim women is the Muslim women themselves.

A synopsis of the most striking among those anonymous testimonials follows:

Testimonial 1: “Being married for 10+ years Alhamdulillah with 3 kids it’s a journey of pain and frustration in terms of sexual life.  I never knew till some 4 years of marriage that there is something called ‘orgasm’ for females.  I simply cannot explain the emptiness it leaves when he just sleeps calmly leaving me aroused once he is done. He feels hurt when I say I too want to be satisfied.  But my requests to all the brothers out there: don’t be selfish no matter how tired you are. If you want to be satisfied every single time of making love, make sure so does your wife too. Your wife will never be emotionally attached to you if you do not satisfy her with your own love and willingness in bed.”

Testimonial 2: “I am 2 years in this marriage and I’m highly dissatisfied. Because I’m outspoken I have told my husband clearly many times that even if he doesn’t want I do. But it only led to fights and more dissatisfaction. He tried to improve but after it had done enough damage already. He loves me, he kisses and cuddles a lot but his appetite for love making is very poor. I don’t feel desired.  We so often hear [sic] that we should not deny intimacy to the husband but why is it not the other way round too?”

Testimonial 3 “In [my first] 5 years of marriage, I’ve orgasmed once with him though I love him with all my heart. I cannot stress on the importance of a female climaxing and reaching an orgasm with her husband because this has saved our marriage [after he realized how important it was]. It brings a couple so much closer. To all you ladies who think sex is a chore, I can guarantee none of you have ever had an orgasm. Had you had a true orgasm you would be pulling him to bed. It’s the best physical feeling ever and melts away the stress.”

These testimonials speak for themselves, and the verses of Qurʾān, aḥādīth and sayings of the fuqahāʾ below will demonstrate their legitimacy.

The Qurʾān unambiguously affirms the presence of lust in both men and women, without distinction:

“Tell the believing men that they must lower their gazes and guard their private parts; it is more decent for them. Surely Allāh is All-Aware of what they do.  And tell the believing women that they must lower their gazes and guard their private parts” (s. 24, v. 30-31).

In Aḥkāmul-Qurʾān, Qāḍī Abū-Bakr Ibn al-ʿArabī (passed away 543 A.H/1148) comments on this verse as follows: “Just as it is not permissible for a man to gaze at a woman, it is likewise not permissible for a woman to gaze at a man; the man’s attachment to her is no different than her attachment to him.  His [lustful] intent from her is likewise identical to her [lustful] intent from him”.  It is noteworthy that Al-Qurṭubī also relays this statement of Ibn al-ʿArabī in his tafsīr.  This then raises the question: if lust is set to be fulfilled through marriage, then what is the purpose and benefit of such fulfillment?

The Qurʾān provides clear guidance as to the importance of a loving marital relationship.  “And it is among His signs that He has created for you wives from among yourselves, so that you may find tranquility in them, and He has created love and kindness between you” (s. 30 v, 21).  The greatest mufassir among the Ṣaḥāba, ʿAbdullāh b. ʿAbbās, contends that “love is intercourse (jimāʿ)” i.e a loving relationship stems from the act of intercourse. It is simply inconceivable for the relationship to be a loving one, if one of the parties to intercourse is dissatisfied.  Mujāhid and al-Ḥassan al-Baṣrī ascribe the same meaning to love as Ibn-ʿAbbās.

The Qurʾān does not detail the requirements of the act of intercourse. That responsibility is carried out by Rasūlullāh .  While commenting on the verse “And We sent down the Reminder (The Qur’ān) to you, so that you explain to the people what has been revealed for them, and so that they may ponder.” (s. 16, v. 44), Al-Qurṭubī explains: “The Rasūl  explains on behalf of Allāh that which He intends in the rules of ṣalāt and zakāt as well as other commands, by detailing such intent where Allāh has provided  statements which are general in nature”.  This leads us to the aḥādīth below for the guidance of men on how to satisfy their spouses during intercourse.

إذا جامع أحدكم أهله فليصدقها فإن سبقها فلا يعجلها خرجه أبو يعلى عن أنس

“When one of you has intercourse with his spouse, then let him be truthful towards her.  If he happens to precede her then he should not rush her” .

Al-Manāwī comments on this ḥadīth as follows: “He should be truthful in his love and his display of good will towards her.  This means that it is commendable for him to make love to her with strength, resolve and make fine love to her”.

إذا جامع أحدكم أهله فليصدقها ثم إذا قضى حاجته قبل أن تقضي حاجتها فلا يعجلها حتى تقضي حاجتها خرجه عبد الرزاق وأبو يعلى عن أنس

“When one of you has intercourse with his spouse, then let him be truthful towards her.  Then if he fulfills his need before her need is fulfilled, let him not rush her until it is fulfilled”

Al-Manāwī comments as follows: “When he has fulfilled his need from her by reaching climax, then-as a matter of merit-he should not impel her to separate from him.  Rather he should carry on with her until her need from him is likewise fulfilled.  This will only occur by her reaching climax and her lust settling.”.

The next ḥadīth praising a woman whose appetite for intimacy is strong, should therefore not come as a surprise.

خيرُ نسائِكم العفيفةُ الغَلِمَةُ ، عفيفةٌ في فرجِها ، غَلِمَةٌ علَى زوجِها

“The best of your women is the one who is modest yet lustful.  She is modest with regards to her private parts (towards strange men) while she is lustful towards her husband”.

Al Manāwī comments as follows: “The modest woman refrains from the ḥarām. For her to be lustful means that her carnal desire is restless. However, such restlessness is not praiseworthy in an absolute sense, as explained by the ensuing part of the ḥadīth i.e she is modest towards strange men”.

The above references in ḥadith literature are not meant to be exhaustive. Other references exist, and the commentators have been consistent in their explanations.

The fuqahāʾ(jurists) in the Ummah have, from very early on, also unapologetically touched on the subject in the most emphatic and direct manner. Some are quoted below to demonstrate such.

In his commentary of Al-Naṣīḥa al-Kāfiya Ibn-Zukrī, a Moroccan scholar who passed away 400 yrs ago (1133 A.H) quotes from Ibn al-Ḥājj (passed away 737 A.H/1336), Imam al-Ghazālī (passed away 505 A.H/1111) and al-Manāwī (passed away 1031 A.H/1621). The quotations below are directly taken from his commentary on al-Naṣiha of Shaykh Aḥmad Zarrūq (passed away 899 A.H/1493). These dates are quoted here to stress on the fact that this subject is not a contemporary one, it is rather a subject that has existed from the very time Muslim scholarship has. What is most pertinent here is the unambiguous language the fuqahāʾ use to get their point across.

“And softness towards the woman, until her fluid mixes with the fluid of the man, is certain to induce love for her and for him as well”.

Ibn-ʿArdūn explains: ‘The author of al-īdāḥ explains: whenever their two fluids blend together at the same moment, it is the utmost form of reaching pleasure, love, affection as well as cementing love. The amount of pleasure and love will be commensurate with how closely in time they blend together’.

The author of al-Iḥyāʾ mentions: ‘And once he has fulfilled his need let him take his time with his spouse until she likewise fulfills her need because her climax may be delayed and to withdraw from her while her lust has been agitated would cause her harm. Differences in patterns of climax inevitably lead to repulsion and discord whenever the husband should reach climax first. It is more gratifying and pleasurable for the woman that she and her husband reach climax simultaneously because  he will be engaged and absorbed alongside her, accommodating thereby her likely shyness [she will enjoy her orgasm without bashfulness]’

In al-Madkhal [Ibn al-Ḥājj] explains: ‘It is fitting for him, when he has fulfilled his need, not to rush to rise because it is among the things which will upset and perturb her.  Rather he should remain agreeable and engaged until he ascertains that her need has been fulfilled.  The intent is to have consideration for her matter because the Nabī  used to advice [men] regarding women just as he used to encourage kindness towards them. At this juncture, it is not possible to show kindness to her without it [the fulfillment of her need]. The man should therefore thoroughly exert himself to achieve that goal, and Allāh will certainly forgive any incapacity’.

Ibn Zukrī then goes on to quote al-Manāwī’s commentary of the two first ḥadiths quoted above.

The author of the Naṣīḥa then goes on to explain, and Ibn Zukrī’s commentary follows:

“And whoever wishes to accomplish that, then let him not come close to her until her breathing becomes intense and her eyes hollow, and that she seeks to remain attached to him; those are signs of her lust having been awakened”

Ibn Zukrī : it is explained in the commentary of al-Waghlisiyya : part of the etiquette of intimacy is to engage in foreplay so that the wife’s heart becomes cheerful and that the attainment of her desire becomes easy. This should be done until the point that her breathing becomes intense, her agitation increases, and she seeks to remain attached to the man, only then should he come close to her [for the act of intercourse].

He continues to say: “Those preliminaries consists in abundant foreplay with her, fondling her breasts and rubbing his penis with her labia”.  Ibn Zukrī explains: the author of the Madkhal explains: ‘When one decides to intimately engage with his spouse, it is befitting for him to refrain from the prohibited behavior which some of the common folk adopt, which consists in approaching their spouses hurriedly. Rather he should not do so until he has played and bantered with her in permissible ways. That includes cuddling, kissing and similar actions, until he sees that she has aroused herself to what he is seeking from her, feels relaxed and takes interest in it. Only then should he approach her. The wisdom of the religious code in this matter is obvious, and it is that the woman desires from the man what he desires from her. If he were to come to her abruptly, he may very well fulfill his need while she would remain upset and her dīn and chastity may be compromised as a result.  If he however does as stipulated, then the matter will be eased for her and her dīn and chastity will be protected’.

End of quotes from Ibn-Zukrī. 

It is clear from the above that the fuqahāʾ have kept within the confines of the Qurʾān and the Sunna and, as is their responsibility, lucidly relayed the information contained therein to the masses, with a full understanding of the pertinence of the subject in society.

This article cannot be complete without mentioning what some of the people of ḥaqīqa i.e taṣawwuf have said on the subject.

Ahmad Ibn Ajība explains, regarding ḥaqīqa: ‘It is derived from the Qurʾān and the Sunna, as well as from the inspirations of the ṣāliḥīn [pious ones] and the spiritual unfoldings [futūḥāt] of the ʿārifīn [gnostics]. The subtle understanding of the Quran and the Sunnah is predominantly found among the ṣālihīn.  Their statements clearly show that.

In his book on the etiquettes of marriage, Muhammad alTihāmī Kanūn (passed away 1915) explains: Abul ʿAbbas Aḥmad b. Yaḥya alWansharīsī says in his abridgment of the nawāzil of alBurzulī: ‘The pious Shaykh AbuBakr alWarraq states: every worldly passion hardens the heart, except the passion of intercourse which in fact softens the heart, which is why the Anbiyāʾused to engage in it’.  It is also mentioned in hadith:

Three things have been made beloved to me among your worldly matters: perfume, women and the coolness of my eyes has been placed in salat’.

In fact, alQurtubi relates the statement from alWarrāq with a prelude explaining how it is said that the desire for intercourse is commensurate with one’s taqwa

Note: We will state the obvious here, that this is true for both men and women, in accordance with what has been stated above regarding their equivalency in the search for carnal satisfaction from one another.

Finally, the author of marginal notes on Tafsīr alJalālayn Aḥmad alṢāwī states: ‘One of the gnostics [ʿārifīn] has mentioned that intercourse is one of the avenues towards reaching [the ma’rifa of] Allāh’.

These last statements from the ṣālihīn should serve as an admonition as well as an encouragement to the Muslim brothers who are lacking in being mindful of their spouse’s sexual needs. They may beg the question: is it a deficiency in taqwā which causes a man to not be mindful of this? It clearly makes the case for an opportunity for spiritual development through the act of intimacy

There are many related subjects which have not been discussed here, as the intent was very specific. However, our brothers and sisters should certainly take it upon themselves to contribute in educating the Muslims on those issues. Issues such as: the need and importance of marriage counseling; how to nurture a good relationship outside of the bedroom; how to address psychological and/or medical issues related to intimacy; how to educate Muslim adolescents (girls and boys alike) on sexuality, etc. There are, alḥamdulillāh, many competent and articulate brothers and sisters who specialize in different fields, and/or have valuable life experience which can be put to the profit of the Muslim Ummah

And we all ask Allāh for tawfīq.

PDF of sources in Arabic with references

  1. Aḥkāmul-Qurʾān, Vol. 3 p. 380
  2. Tafsīr al-Qurṭubī, Vol. 16 p. 412
  3. Idem.
  4. Tafsīr al-Qurṭubī, Vol. 12 p. 329
  5.  Faidhul-qadīr, Vol. 1 p. 325. Ḥadīth n. 548. 
  6.  Faidhul-qadīr, Vol. 1 p. 325. Ḥadīth n. 549.
  7.  Al-Manāwi mentions that this is mustahab, and he is correct.  However, the statement of istiḥbāb is only to encourage this action, in order to avoid harm to the woman.  If she is being harmed by the lack of satisfaction, then it becomes wājib.  
  8.  Faidhul-qadīr, Vol. 3 p. 493. Ḥadīth n. 4093.
  9.  Sharḥ al-Naṣīḥa, Ibn-Zukrī Al-Fāsī, p. 651.
  10.  Reference from Hikam.
  11.  Qurratul-ʿuyūn bi-sharḥ naẓm ibn-Yaʾmūn, p. 48. 
  12. It is worthy to mention here that the commentators of hadith have determined that “three things” is an addition from the narrator as opposed to being the speech of the Nabi SAW.  Salat is not part of worldly matters. The hadith should therefore be: ‘Among your worldly matters perfume and women have been made beloved to me and the coolness of my eyes has been placed in salat’.
  13.  Tafsir al-Qurtubi, Vol. 6 p. 419.
  14.  Ḥāshiya al-Ṣāwī, Vol. 3 p. 204.

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