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Visiting the Comatose – A Handy Guide

Over the last eight months, after painful illnesses which affected them physically and neurologically, both my parents have passed away. While there is so much to process and reflect over when it comes to their lives and their deaths, there is something specific I feel compelled to address.

My father and mother had the privilege of dying in the comfort of their home but before their deaths, they each experienced a deep coma for extended periods of time. Naturally, we had our share of visitors. Close family, extended family, friends, acquaintances, staff old and new, neighbors, and veritable strangers off the street trooped through our doors to pay their respects and we felt blessed to be surrounded with so much love and support.

MashaAllah, there are countless narrations and articles written about the importance of visiting the sick. My personal favorite is the narration by Jaabir (may Allah be pleased with him) who said: The Messenger of Allah (peace and blessings of Allah be upon him) said: “Whoever visits a sick person is plunged into mercy until he sits down, and when he sits down, he is submerged in it.” The visual of being awash in Allah’s mercy is a beautiful one!

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Within the realm of visiting the sick, there is a special subset that exists – that is the people of coma, those who are so sick that they are there but not there, physically with us but mentally/neurologically in a place beyond our understanding. Visiting the people of coma is a special challenge and inshaAllah carries special reward because it is truly difficult to attempt what will almost certainly be an emotionally-laden, one-way communication.

Because I have a ticker tape of observations and opinions on everything always running through my head, I had many thoughts while watching people visit my parents and I would like to share some below.

Please know that the ideas expressed here are not as a result of me being judgmental of people, ungrateful for those who tried or behaving holier than thou. I don’t think I know better or that even when the need comes, that I will necessarily do better. I’m as shy and awkward as they come. Nevertheless, I like to put these notes down, not as corrective prescriptions, but as initiators of thought and discussion. I love that our generation discusses everything and we try to be “politically correct”. We might fail miserably and often do, but at least the desire to improve is there. I write things down and then you guys give your thoughts and then we agree or disagree with each other and someone, somewhere decides that they will be more aware, more sensitive, more appropriate and in the end, it’s a win for humankind. <she said grandly>

So without further ado, here is your handy guide for when visiting a person in a coma:

1. Approach the coma patient calmly but purposefully

You don’t need to tiptoe. Seriously, they’re not going to wake up. Their family has tried that already. A LOT. I mean, they WANT them to wake up. So, stomp up to them if you want. (ok, jk, don’t.) Walking gingerly or fearfully suggests that the patient is a thing to be scared of. But honestly, comas aren’t contagious. (except, maybe, between my parents…I really think they caught stuff from each other lolz). Walking with a calm but purposeful demeanor demonstrates a relaxed strength which the stressed-out caregiver will definitely appreciate.

2. Say salaams upon reaching the bedside

Just like you would greet a person who was awake, so must you greet the people of the coma. Our sense of hearing is the last to go, apparently, so chances are quite high that the coma patient you’re visiting can still hear you. Experts recommend you speak in a slightly louder than normal volume and a slightly higher than normal pitch. The key word here is ‘slightly‘. If I told you the number of people that would practically yell at my mother and father, it would fill a book! Suffice to say, it is cringe-worthy and unnecessary to scream.

It’s also worth noting here that just because someone is in a coma, it doesn’t mean that they are suddenly dumber than normal. So, you don’t need to treat them like a child and coo your greetings or tell them they are being “naughty” by being unresponsive.

3. Express words of encouragement

Encouraging, supportive words are an important part of the psycho-therapy experience that both patient and caregiver require. Your positivity will have a ripple effect! The Prophet’s ṣallallāhu 'alayhi wa sallam (peace and blessings of Allāh be upon him) favorite utterance to the sick was similarly upbeat and you should try it:  “La ba’s, tuhoor in sha Allaah” (No worries, it is a purification, if Allah wills).” Some variations of all of the following are also acceptable:

  • I am praying for you.
  • You are constantly in my thoughts.
  • Every day I recite xyz especially for you.
  • So and so asks about you regularly.
  • Don’t worry, you are getting better.
  • You are so strong, I know you are fighting this.
  • Remember us in your prayers.

Things not to say include (and these are all from real-life examples, trust you me): yelling the patient’s name repeatedly, because honestly, they aren’t comatose from lack of being personally addressed; asking question after question and then pausing hopefully for an answer (spoiler alert: unless you are in rehearsals for a B-grade Bollywood production, they won’t suddenly flicker their eyes open and beatifically answer); speaking about them super-anxiously while 3 inches from their face, “Why is her lip blistered? Why is his hand doing that? Will she pull through this or DIE??!!!!!”.

In general, you want to aim for a monologue approach where you say your piece and then hold your peace.

4. Say a prayer 

Prayer, even for the most secular, is oddly comforting, especially in times of stress and sorrow, so do go through the motions as you stand beside the sick. Also, it gives you something concrete to do as opposed to blankly staring at someone in a coma.

For Muslims, it is ideal to raise your hands in dua, say bismillah and recite the above supplication. Also, to consider:

  • Surah Fatiha
  • Ayatul Kursi
  • Surah Falaq
  • Surah Nas

If you aren’t religious, raise your hands and mutter some kind thoughts or healing woo-woo stuff anyways. You can also ask your host if there is anything specific you can read (most people have some sort of printed booklet of prayers handy). After praying, follow the sunnah and blow on the sick person. Not on their face because, germs. Somewhere in the direction of their mid-torso should be fine, making sure to keep a halal distance.

I recognize that the sunnah practice also involves placing your right hand on the sick person’s forehead while reciting duas but given all the unknown variables (What is the patient’s immunity level like? How germaphobic are the caregivers? What is the mehram situation?), a more generic approach has been suggested here.

5. Say a proper goodbye 

It is proper etiquette to conclude your visit with the patient and not just with your host. Tell the sick person things like:

  • It was good to see you.
  • I will come again, inshaAllah.
  • Take care.
  • Allah is with you.

Do not just turn away silently and sadly because it looks a bit unthoughtful. I mean, yes, the person is practically vegetative but to the hosts, (who you can be sure have been watching everything with an eagle eye) the sick person remains an important and dear member of their family and someone who they would like to be respected.

– – –

Of course, your visit need not be an exact replica of the above suggestions (though if it were, that would be rather marvelous). Broadly speaking though,

It is usually okay to:
  • Pat the patient’s hand or kiss them on the head, but feel free to check with your host.
  • Drip a few tears. No one likes to be pitied but most caregivers feel a reassuring gratification that someone else is feeling their sorrow.
  • Hug the caregiver and tell them how brave and strong they are because who doesn’t like praise or needs upliftment?
  • Bring food items for the caregivers because carb distraction is the best distraction.

It is not okay to:

– Beg for reassurance from the caregiver who doesn’t actually have any answers. Asking them constantly whether their patient will recover is tension they don’t need.

– Cry hysterically as not only is that inelegant and unrecommended, it would also mean now someone feels obliged to comfort you.

– Speak about the sick in earshot (remembering that sense of hearing often remains till the end).

– Criticize the care being given. Saying how you would’ve done things differently or offering insight that is only possible in hindsight is painful to the listener who is already struggling with self-doubt.

– Share stories of death and doom. Trust me, death is on everyone’s mind when it comes to loved ones in a coma. The last thing you should do (again, true story) is spend the entirety of your visit telling story after horrific story of random folks’ untimely demise.

– Offer too much along the lines of vague miracle cures. “I’ve heard raw onion paste rubbed on the chest does wonders for stimulating the hippocampus!”, “Reciting Surah Rahman 11 times after Fajr every day for 41 days is a sure-shot coma blaster,” and things like that puts the caregiver in the awkward position of either agreeing with you (and subsequently lying through their teeth that they will surely try this wonderful idea) or disagreeing with you (and potentially upsetting you).

Apart from all of this, be neat and tidy in appearance (no one likes a smelly visitor), bring a little something for the hosts (my personal favorites are things high in sugar) and for the love of all that is good, keep your visit short – aiming at the sweet spot where everything meaningful has been said, no awkward silences have ensued, no one felt required to serve you tea and patient routines aren’t disturbed – roughly between 15 to 20 minutes is ideal.

And that’s it! Go forth in goodness and be submerged in His Mercy. May the force be with you and Allah’s shifa be all around you.

– – –

Hiba Masood is a writer and storyteller. You can catch her daily musings on life, parenting, marriage and more at www.facebook.com/etdramamama OR on Insta @hibamasood

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Hiba Masood is a writer living in Karachi, Pakistan. She is the author of Drummer Girl, the founder of Ramadan Moon and is known online as Drama Mama. To read more of her work daily, follow her on Instagram @hibamasood.

9 Comments

9 Comments

  1. Avatar

    UA

    November 27, 2018 at 2:10 AM

    Your humor in all of this is so inspiring because despite the grief you must be feeling, you choose to convey your ideas with determined cheerfulness. May Allah (swt) Grant both your parents Jannat-ul-Firdous and may they be together in each other’s company, Ameen.

  2. Avatar

    AM

    November 27, 2018 at 3:19 AM

    Solid article

  3. Avatar

    Huma

    November 27, 2018 at 5:59 AM

    This, like all of your writings,has left me speechless and introspecting.Each word and thought resonates deeply and yet it’s an issue that has gone neglected so far.How many of us who have faced bereavement , choose to share our innermost thoughts in this cheerful and emotive manner?Thank you for sharing this beautifully informative ”handy guide”with us here.
    Sending you loads of hugs( sorry carbs and sugars not possible) to you all.
    May your parents rest in eternal peace.Aameen.

  4. Avatar

    Fizzah

    November 27, 2018 at 6:02 AM

    Good, decent parents they must have been, because they raised a daughter like you :-)

    May Allah show them His Mercy in Barzakh and Aakhirah, and may He increase your sabr and grace and understanding of Everything

  5. Avatar

    Maryam Ijaz

    November 27, 2018 at 8:48 PM

    A very well written article which can definitely help anyone visiting a coma patient and the manner its explained is in a very lay man terms I salute to your strength. May Allah grant Jannat to both of your parents Ameen

  6. Avatar

    Sara

    November 27, 2018 at 11:33 PM

    A topic less than seldom talked about yet so important. Jazakillahkhair. Wonderfully insightful and close to reality. Duas

  7. Avatar

    Mohsin

    December 2, 2018 at 8:42 AM

    mashaAllah, this is a very nice piece. May Allah swt accept.

  8. Avatar

    Azleena

    December 6, 2018 at 7:54 AM

    Salams, excellent article. I am a chaplain and a socia work student, and having spent time with complete strangers in a coma (by request of family members), I would suggest adding one more thing to the To Do list:
    Do sit by the patient and read a chapter from a book, article or tell them about something that has happened in your life recently. There is a possibility that the patient still can hear you, and they may be thirsting for connection other than just prayer and sympathy. If you know what books they enjoyed reading when they were healthy, or what their favorite hobbies were, even better. They would probably be ecstatic to have a friend or family member tell them the latest developments or news in that area (sports, politics, entertainment, etc). Or even tell them what has been going on in your social circle (births, events, etc). If they have favorite nasheeds or ghazals, you could play them or recite them occasionally. I know these are things I would want to hear if I were the patient. The patient, while not being able to respond, is still alive, and deserves the same respect and love we would give to anyone else, if not more.

  9. Aly Balagamwala

    Aly Balagamwala

    April 10, 2019 at 3:29 AM

    Jazakillahu Khairin . This was very helpful though may Allah protect all from being in this state.

    *Comment above is posted in a personal capacity and may not reflect the official views of MuslimMatters or its staff*

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#Islam

30 Khawaatir in 30 Days- A Parent’s Guide | Day 11: Gratitude

Now that we have learnt about the dua’ of Umm Salama, let’s talk about gratitude.

Question: Let’s all go around and state a few things we’re grateful for.

Those are all really great! Alhamdulillah for all of those! 

Question: Do you know what the opposite of shukr, or showing thanks, is? 

It’s actually the word kufr (unbelief). Sometimes, we complain so much that we hide all the good that Allah subḥānahu wa ta'āla (glorified and exalted be He) has given us and we only see the hardships. 

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Allah subḥānahu wa ta'āla (glorified and exalted be He) wants us to stay grateful for everything He has given us. Our health, our family, our talents, and most importantly, our religion. Allah subḥānahu wa ta'āla (glorified and exalted be He) reminds us in the Qur’an:

وَإِذْ تَأَذَّنَ رَبُّكُمْ لَئِن شَكَرْتُمْ لَأَزِيدَنَّكُمْ ۖ

“And [remember] when your Lord proclaimed, ‘If you are grateful, I will surely increase you [in favor]…” [Surah Ibrahim; 7] 

When Allah subḥānahu wa ta'āla (glorified and exalted be He) tells us, “If you are grateful, I will surely increase you,” He leaves the increase open-ended. 

Allah subḥānahu wa ta'āla (glorified and exalted be He) can give us more in what we thank Him for. He can also give us more appreciation and awareness of the blessings He has granted us. 

Did you know that saying alhamdulillah (all praise is due to Allah) and showing gratitude actually changes the way our brains are shaped, inside our heads? People who show gratitude on a daily basis end up feeling happier too! 

When Allah subḥānahu wa ta'āla (glorified and exalted be He) blew Adam’s raḍyAllāhu 'anhu (may Allāh be pleased with him) soul into him, Adam raḍyAllāhu 'anhu (may Allāh be pleased with him) responded by sneezing, and he said: alhamdulillah. That was the first word that was ever uttered by a human being.

And do you know what the last word will be?

وَتَرَى الْمَلَائِكَةَ حَافِّينَ مِنْ حَوْلِ الْعَرْشِ يُسَبِّحُونَ بِحَمْدِ رَبِّهِمْ ۖ وَقُضِيَ بَيْنَهُم بِالْحَقِّ وَقِيلَ الْحَمْدُ لِلَّـهِ رَبِّ الْعَالَمِينَ 

“And you will see the angels surrounding the Throne, exalting [Allah] with praise of their Lord. And it will be judged between them in truth, and it will be said, “[All] praise to Allah, Lord of the worlds,”’ [Surah az-Zumar; 75] 

Isn’t that amazing? We begin and end with praising and thanking Allah subḥānahu wa ta'āla (glorified and exalted be He)

 Allah subḥānahu wa ta'āla (glorified and exalted be He) reminds us in the Qur’an:

وَإِن تَعُدُّوا نِعْمَةَ اللَّـهِ لَا تُحْصُوهَا ۗ إِنَّ اللَّـهَ لَغَفُورٌ رَّحِيمٌ

“And if you should count the favors of Allah, you could not enumerate them. Indeed, Allah is Forgiving and Merciful,” [Surah an-Nahl; 18]

Question: Even though we won’t be able to list all of Allah’s subḥānahu wa ta'āla (glorified and exalted be He) favors, can each of you think of at least 10?

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#Culture

From Tweet to Virtual Event: Online Organizing In The Time Of Corona | Muslim Virtual Grad

musllim grad

It was mid-April and we were one month into the pandemic. Ramadan  was a couple of weeks away and we had settled into the “New Normal,” but still learning every day of changes. The most recent one was schools, colleges and universities canceling graduation ceremonies. Many choosing to not to postpone but to cancel.

My wife received the email from her graduate program and was lamenting how she wouldn’t be able to wear the cap and gown she had gotten for the commencement.

Her phrasing made me think of the popular slang term “No Cap” that is used heavily these days, and I tweeted out what I thought was a funny joke.

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The tweet quickly got traction and was being shared as people resonated with it with people responding in various ways. One of these interactions seemed benign at first.

 

 

At the time, it didn’t go anywhere. Sara had left me with the thought but I didn’t act on it. Alhamdulillah, she did. Two weeks later, she messaged me. “Let’s do this,” she said. From there 2020 Muslim Virtual Graduation was born. 

We realized there was an opportunity to connect with the amazing organizations in our communities that are focused on Muslim students and the unique challenges they face. Since then, we have partnered with Midwest Muslim United Student Association (MMUSA), MIST Chicago, and A Continuous Charity, all of which are Muslim organizations dedicated to serving high school and college students in different capacities, from on-campus services, to inter-school competitions, to interest-free financial aid.

The 2020 Muslim Virtual Graduation will be free to attend and live streamed May 30th at 5:15 pm CST and live streamed to MMUSA’s Facebook Page. Inshallah, Dr. Omar Suleiman, President of Yaqeen Institute, (and a 2020 graduate himself) will be giving a Commencement Speech. There will be entertainment at the end.

It is open to high school, university, and professional grads, all around the world. 

Graduates who would like to be recognized can submit their slide with their name, degree, school and photo (optional), and a dedication or message to the following URL: bit.ly/vmggrads. The deadline to register is the of the day Friday, May 29th, 2020. 

Sara had previously recognized the merit of online organizing and resources, and compiled a master list of Islamic lectures and seminars that had been recently being streamed online due to the pandemic. “Online events cannot totally replace the spirit of in-person gatherings. But I think organizing during this time requires a shift in perspective: what challenges do we face when organizing in-person, and how can we take advantage of the new opportunity we do have now since those are gone? This is what inspired us to go global with the event,” says Sara.

Alhamdulilah, we already have graduates from the UK, Saudi Arabia, and Singapore registered! 


About Us

Ziyad Dadabhoy is a Civil Engineer living in Chicago, IL and Co-Founder of Midwest Muslim United Student Association (MMUSA). He has also been a part of AlMaghrib Chicago and MIST Chicago.

Sara Alattar is a student of Islamic Sciences, upcoming medical student, and Director of Operations at thinkbites.org, a new multimedia Islamic publication for personal development.

A Continuous Charity (acceducate.org) is the first and only national Muslim 501(c)3 that provides interest-free loans and financial mentoring for higher education. 

The Midwest Muslim United Student Association (midwestmsa.com) is dedicated to connecting college Muslim Student Associations (MSA’s) from around the Midwest for collaborative events and projects.

Muslim Interscholastic Tournament (mistchicago.org) is a non-profit that hosts annual educational and creative competitions for high school students across the US, and in 19 regions across the world.

Yaqeen Institute for Islamic Research (yaqeeninstitute.org) is a non-profit research institute which aims to instill conviction and inspire contribution based on mainstream Islamic texts.

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30 Khawaatir in 30 Days- A Parent’s Guide | Day 10: The Dua’ of Umm Salama

Now that we have learnt about a good word, let’s talk about the dua’ of Umm Salama.

Today I’m going to share with you a story of a very important woman in Islamic history named Umm Salama raḍyAllāhu 'anha (may Allāh be pleased with her). She was a female companion, which means she was a sahaabiya (female companion)

Umm Salama raḍyAllāhu 'anha (may Allāh be pleased with her) was one of the first people to embrace Islam and she was one of the few Muslims who actually performed the hijrah twice. 

Question: Who can tell me what a hijrah is?

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A hijrah is when someone leaves a place they are in for the sake of Allah subḥānahu wa ta'āla (glorified and exalted be He). The first hijrah was to Ethiopia, where a just Christian ruler named Najashi took in a group of Muslims and took good care of them. 

So Umm Salama raḍyAllāhu 'anha (may Allāh be pleased with her) and Abu Salama raḍyAllāhu 'anhu (may Allāh be pleased with him) went to Ethiopia. After some time living there, they really wanted to go back to Mecca so that they could be next to the Prophet Muhammad ṣallallāhu 'alayhi wa sallam (peace and blessings of Allāh be upon him) and learn everything about Islam. As they waited patiently, news traveled all the way to Africa saying that the Muslims were no longer getting persecuted because Umar ibn al-Khattab raḍyAllāhu 'anhu (may Allāh be pleased with him) and Hamza raḍyAllāhu 'anhu (may Allāh be pleased with him), the uncle of the Prophet ṣallallāhu 'alayhi wa sallam (peace and blessings of Allāh be upon him), had embraced Islam. 

Umm Salama raḍyAllāhu 'anha (may Allāh be pleased with her) and Abu Salama raḍyAllāhu 'anhu (may Allāh be pleased with him) decided to return back to Mecca, and when they did, they realized that it was only a rumor and that the Muslims were still being tortured by Quraysh. So, when the Prophet Muhammad ṣallallāhu 'alayhi wa sallam (peace and blessings of Allāh be upon him) instructed all of the Muslims of Mecca to leave to Madina for the second hijrah, they wasted no time getting ready. 

Question: Do you see how they were so active and didn’t take their Islam for granted?

As Umm Salama raḍyAllāhu 'anha (may Allāh be pleased with her) was about to mount her camel, her tribe, the Banu Makhzum, came and told Abu Salama  raḍyAllāhu 'anhu (may Allāh be pleased with him) that they would not allow him to take Umm Salama  raḍyAllāhu 'anha (may Allāh be pleased with her) to Madina. Then Abu Salama’s tribe, the Banu Asad, takes Salama, his child, away.  Abu Salama raḍyAllāhu 'anhu (may Allāh be pleased with him) could not defend himself against all of these men, so he sets off to Madina.

In just one day Umm Salama raḍyAllāhu 'anha (may Allāh be pleased with her) lost her husband and her child, and she suffers so much because of it. She is in a lot of pain. After some time her cousin starts to feel sorry for her and speaks to the tribes on her behalf. He is then able to reunite her with her son. Then after a year of waiting, Umm Salama raḍyAllāhu 'anha (may Allāh be pleased with her) is finally able to meet her husband in Madina. 

Abu Salama raḍyAllāhu 'anhu (may Allāh be pleased with him) was known to be a very caring husband and courageous man. He fought in the Battle of Badr as well as in the Battle of Uhud. In Uhud, he received a wound that he wasn’t able to recover from. 

Umm Salama raḍyAllāhu 'anha (may Allāh be pleased with her) was so sad the day Abu Salama raḍyAllāhu 'anhu (may Allāh be pleased with him) died, but the Prophet Muhammad ṣallallāhu 'alayhi wa sallam (peace and blessings of Allāh be upon him) taught her to recite a beautiful dua’:

إِنَّا لله وإنا إليه راجعون اللهم أجرني في مصيبتي وأخلف لي خيرا منها 

“We belong to Allah and to Allah is our return. Oh Allah, reward me for my calamity, and replace my loss with something better.”

Umm Salama raḍyAllāhu 'anha (may Allāh be pleased with her) recited this dua’, but in her mind she thought, “Who can be better than Abu Salama raḍyAllāhu 'anhu (may Allāh be pleased with him)?” 

After a few months passed, Umar ibn al-Khattab raḍyAllāhu 'anhu (may Allāh be pleased with him) proposed to Umm Salama raḍyAllāhu 'anha (may Allāh be pleased with her), but she said no. 

Then, Abu Bakr raḍyAllāhu 'anhu (may Allāh be pleased with him) proposed to Umm Salama raḍyAllāhu 'anha (may Allāh be pleased with her), but again she said no. 

Then, the Prophet Muhammad ṣallallāhu 'alayhi wa sallam (peace and blessings of Allāh be upon him) proposed to Umm Salama raḍyAllāhu 'anha (may Allāh be pleased with her) and she accepted. So now, she was not only the mother of Salama, but the mother of all of the believers until the end of time! 

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