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Reclaiming Malcolm X’s Legacy

Imam Omar Suleiman

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Which deeds are most beloved to Allah?

Alhamdulillah, by the blessings of Allah (swt) and readers like yourself, MuslimMatters has been an independent platform for our best thought leaders to educate us in our faith and catalyze change through powerful, necessary conversations. Since our humble beginnings as a basic wordpress blog in 2007, our content has remained free.

The Prophet (SAW) has taught us the best of deeds are those that done consistently, even if they are small. Click here to support us with a monthly donation of $10 per month, or even as little as $1. Set it and collect blessings from Allah (swt) for the khayr you're supporting without thinking about it.

The following is an excerpt from a speech Sh. Omar Suleiman made at the Audobon Ballroom, where Malcolm X was assassinated.

Martyrdom at the Audobon

The martyr has eternal life. Malcolm may have died here, but as Muslims we believe that he was also received by his Lord, at this very spot, into a much better place. The Prophet Muhammad ṣallallāhu 'alayhi wa sallam (peace and blessings of Allāh be upon him) said that when a person dies, either they are relieved from this world, or this world is relieved from them. I believe we can safely say that Malcolm was relieved from this world as he transitioned to his rightful place.

But where does that leave us? The world, and this country specifically, needs Malcolm’s message now more than ever. With the deliberate attempts to erase him from history, we must push back. In his own words, “History is a people’s memory, and without a memory, man is demoted to the lower animals.” Multiple forces have tried, and continue to try, to silence Malcolm, but his voice is too powerful. He knew how he would be portrayed. As his autobiography was coming to a close, he said to Alex Haley, “When I am dead – I say it that way because from the things I know, I do not expect to live long enough to read this book in its finished form – I want you to just watch and see if I’m not right when I say that the white man, in his press, is going to identify me with ‘hate.’”

Caption: 2/22/1965-New York, NY: Crowds jammed the sidewalks outside the Audubon Ballroom in Harlem hours before the fatal shooting.

He also said, “I know that societies often have killed people who have helped to change those societies. And if I can die having brought any light, having exposed any meaningful truth that will help destroy the racist cancer that is malignant in the body of America then all of the credit is due to Allah. Only the mistakes have been mine.”

Malcolm had the courage to challenge everyone to do better. He challenged white America to reckon with its pathology of racism, and black America to strive for self-empowerment. He challenged Muslims globally to live up to the anti-racism scriptures of Islam, and to practice its doctrine of equality and striving for the oppressed. He challenged every human being to see their fellow man as a full human being. Finally, he showed us what it looks like to constantly challenge one’s own judgments and evolve with revealed truths. This was not only a sign of his integrity, but the mark of his undisputed sincerity.

“Despite my firm convictions,” he stated, “I have always been a man who tries to face facts, and to accept the reality of life as new experience and new knowledge unfolds. I have always kept an open mind, a flexibility that must go hand in hand with every form of the intelligent search for truth.”

He continued, “I’m for truth, no matter who tells it. I’m for justice, no matter who it is for or against. I’m a human being first and foremost and, as such, I’m for whoever and whatever benefits humanity as a whole.”

El Hajj Malik El Shabazz

Malcolm never stopped growing. He was too great to stay little, too global to stay Detroit, and too defined to stay X.  He continued to grow until he became El Hajj Malik El Shabazz, our black shining prince. Yet, he was always critical of himself, and true to what he believed in. In March 1964, as he formally moved on from the Nation of Islam, he wrote in his letter to Elijah Muhammad, “I am and always will be a Muslim.”

He never took the more convenient route, only the route of truth. And he displayed, more than anything else, what it looked like when you had the courage to match your convictions. As Don Will said, “Change is revolutionary by nature and Malcolm’s transformation serves a lasting testament that we, as people, are not resigned to our character flaws or personal misfortunes. Your world is a microcosm of our world and they shift accordingly as well.”

Despite the fact that he was a minister in the Nation of Islam, the founder of Muslim Mosque Inc., and one of the greatest Muslims in the world, he rejected the term “honorable” for himself, choosing instead to be referred to simply as “Brother Malcolm.” However, as the eulogist said, “When we honor him, we honor the best of ourselves. Malcolm was a political, cultural, and religious revolutionary.”

The last words Malcolm was introduced with were from this spot, “The one who loves you so much that he would give his life for you.”

Malcolm loved the unloved because he knew what it was like to be abandoned.

Malcolm loved Ali before he shook up the world, when he was just a teenage Cassius Clay.

Malcolm was of the first to recognize what true intersectionality looked like when he became the first prominent black leader in America to speak out against the Vietnam War, and to recognize the injustices against the Palestinian people, whom he visited in Gaza in 1964.

Well before Wakanda, Malcolm knew that a strong Africa was essential to the plight of black people in America and around the world. Before the “Black Is Beautiful” or “Black Power” movements, before Ali said, “I’m beautiful,” and James Brown, “I’m black and I’m proud,”  Malcolm said, “Who taught you to hate the texture of your hair and the color of your skin?”

Malcolm unapologetically put global white supremacy on trial, and was willing to stand alone as its most vocal prosecutor. He boldly wrote from Africa, “I WANT TO DISMANTLE THE ENTIRE INTERNATIONAL SYSTEM OF RACIAL EXPLOITATION.”

We all owe him so much

When Ali shakes up the world, we owe Malcolm.

When Chris Jackson, who became Mahmoud AbdulRauf after reading Malcolm’s autobiography, takes a stand against militarism, we owe Malcolm.

When Colin Kaepernick kneels in protest of police brutality, we owe Malcolm.

When young black children find beauty in themselves and refuse to internalize toxic bigotry, we owe Malcolm.

When a prisoner in America’s modern system of slavery starts to liberate his mind by reading, and finds hope in faith, refusing to succumb to what the system has tried to permanently reduce him to, we owe Malcolm.

When activists rise to defy seemingly unconquerable systems of exploitation, we owe Malcolm.

When young Muslims exercise their right to not only live with dignity in this country, but also challenge the country to be more dignified, we owe Malcolm.

Malcolm was and is our strength. He gave us shoulders to stand on and an intellectual foundation to build on. And he showed us how sincere faith can push us through any fear.


The Malcolm X and Dr. Betty Shabazz Memorial and Educational Center is the site where Malcolm X was assassinated 53 years ago. The goal of this Campaign is to not only revive the Center but to ensure that it serves as a world class memorial site documenting the legacy of Malcolm X and Dr. Betty Shabazz for the benefit of future generations.  Launch Good Campaign

Imam Omar Suleiman is the Founder and President of the Yaqeen Institute for Islamic Research, and an Adjunct Professor of Islamic Studies in the Graduate Liberal Studies Program at SMU (Southern Methodist University).He is also the Resident Scholar at Valley Ranch Islamic Center and Co-Chair of Faith Forward Dallas at Thanks-Giving Square. He holds a Bachelors in Accounting, a Bachelors in Islamic Law, a Masters in Islamic Finance, a Masters in Political History, and is currently pursuing a Phd. in Islamic Thought and Civilization from the International Islamic University of Malaysia.

16 Comments

16 Comments

  1. Avatar

    aronno anindo

    June 1, 2018 at 10:33 AM

    Masha Allah, what a speech! Love it!

  2. Avatar

    Alonzo Gardner

    June 1, 2018 at 7:30 PM

    Elijah Muhammad made Malcolm x.and Malcolm would tell you so.

  3. Avatar

    Alonzo Gardner

    June 1, 2018 at 7:34 PM

    Elijah made Muhammad Ali and made Farrakhan Muhammad they will all tell you so.

    • Avatar

      Jena Deen

      June 1, 2018 at 9:57 PM

      Allah, The Creator, made Malcolm, Ali, & You. Humble yourself.

  4. Avatar

    Kirkland S Haywood

    June 1, 2018 at 10:28 PM

    Malcolm did not have the luxury of protection afforded to Elijah Muhammad or Louis Farrakhan, but yet had no fear of death. I have respect for all three men, but the HONORABLE El Hajj Malik El Shabazz was/is the epitome of black manhood, our shinning prince. Remember, he was going to take America to the world court for atrocities against black Americans and they killed him. Nuff said.

  5. Avatar

    Robert Hemingway jr

    June 2, 2018 at 12:34 AM

    Everyone knows who was behind the cowardly act that took Malcolms life

  6. Avatar

    Robert Hemingway jr

    June 2, 2018 at 12:38 AM

    I know this article is not about the assassination, but to read comments saying Elijah Muhammad made Malcolm? What y’all smokin

  7. Avatar

    Sheldon X

    June 2, 2018 at 6:59 AM

    The Most Honerable Elijah Muhammad made Malcolm X and he would tell you so. Elijah is who the Prophets prophesied would come. Check Malachi. Join the Nation of Islam. ☮️

  8. Avatar

    Mustafa Bey

    June 2, 2018 at 7:03 AM

    Malcolm X!!!

  9. Avatar

    Abdullah Brown

    June 3, 2018 at 6:03 AM

    I would like to see more attention and research regarding the life of the woman behind Malcolm: Ella Little-Collins. His older sister, she helped raise Malcolm, stood by him through his wild years, followed him into the NOI, and preceded him in leaving NOI for Sunni Islam. She paid for his Hajj, identified his remains, and paid for his funeral, taking care to assure that he was buried as a Sunni Muslim. This was an extraordinary person whose role in the modern history of Islam is terribly underappreciated.

  10. Avatar

    SpecialKinNJ

    June 3, 2018 at 6:21 PM

    As one who is not a fan of Malcolm, re “when” all the behavioral consequences of his tenure will be realized, I’m inclined to agree with what Wayne and Holly had to say: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mc-PfdqKPiQ

  11. Avatar

    Henry

    June 6, 2018 at 11:12 AM

    When Malcolm X visited Gaza in 1964 is was occupied by Egypt and Gamal Abdel Nasser…..

  12. Avatar

    Javon Roye

    June 28, 2018 at 11:07 PM

    The power in the last section of this article where you state how much we owe Brother Malcolm is chilling! Great read.

  13. Avatar

    Ekram

    July 1, 2018 at 3:18 PM

    Mash Allah
    Barekelahufik for the great writing .

  14. Avatar

    Tadar Wazir

    February 25, 2019 at 10:01 AM

    Everyone is born a Muslim – research the meaning of the word? Then one’s environment causes one to become what one later on becomes. One’s environment may have enough influence to cause a person to become a non-Muslim or range from an ignorant – one with little knowledge of what a Muslim is – Muslim or a saint; and with the right pressures and frequencies – we are all composed of all of the elements that make up the physical matrix of the universe – for the right amount of time one can change from one form of physical, intellectual, and spiritual existence into another based on our individual faith. One of the ways that we are molded into the shape that we are sent here to be is by being taught by another human being. Elijah Muhammad with his 3rd grade southern farmer education did all that he could to inspire Bros.: Malcolm X aka Al Hajj Malik Shabazz, Muhammad Ali, and his son Wallace, aka Warith Deen Mohammed – whom he exclaimed the last time when his distractors within the Nation of Islam wanted to get him put out of the NOI “This is what I’ve been looking for!” And asked his wife Sis. Clara Muhammad if what he just stated was true, to which she replied yes. Afterwards he told Wallace in front of all of his ministers who were present at that meeting that he could teach what he was teaching anywhere. – Being their teacher who was placed their by Allah for their benefit to get His recipe for them to turn out right he the Honorable Elijah Muhammad is the man behind these men who all acknowledged him for the good that he taught them to their dying days. Bro. Al Hajj Malik Shabazz made it known that he would be murdered but the NOI would not be the one’s who would do so, because he knew how he was being shadowed all over the world, and different things that happened in his travels let him know that there were forces at work to stop him and his influence. He said that the FBI were writing letters to both him and Elijah Muhammad to keep them at odds with each other. The ones apprehended for his assassination were members of the NOI – according to the one who later became a “Sunni” Muslim while incarcerated; and having visited with Bro. Al Hajj Imam W. Deen Mohammed – with no knowledge of who in the NOI chain of command originated the note they got to take out Malcolm X. Bro. Al Hajj Malik Shabazz said that he had no animosity towards Elijah Muhammad and doubts that any of his letters were reaching him due to the way things were being played out in the media and life. The Hon. Elijah Muhammad became disillusioned by what his teacher Bro. W. D. Fard Muhammad had taught him when he went to Mecca and saw that the streets were not paved in gold, he found out that Muslims – like the people of the Bible – are allowed to have more than one (1) wife, and a couple of other things were not as he had been taught to teach. In a 1961 radio broadcast, I have a copy of it which can become available for those who want it, The Hon. Elijah Muhammad made it clear that he was not teaching us religion, due to the religion being too big and the time too short. But he did say that he knows that “Allah is G-d” without the usual who came in the person of statement attached to it, and that we need to get into Islam as soon as possible. With the former FBI Director’s mandate to not allow any savior to arise who would unite the Negro all one has to do is connect the dots.

  15. Avatar

    Yes I said it

    June 16, 2019 at 7:02 PM

    Great article but Muslims in America predominantly know nothing of this great man or don’t care to. Specially black, African Americans in this country paved the way for all immigrants who came thereafter yet are marginalized by their Muslim peers and maligned as if the first and second generation immigrant Muslims they paved the way for are the racists who enslaved the African Americans to begin with. I am not African American but I am black and I can say that if Islam wasn’t the truth I would’ve left if because of the nationalism and racism of Muslims in America who would never let you marry their daughters, befriend them, or share genuine salaams. In short most Muslims are just as racist as the whites of the civil rights era in terms of stereotyping blacks.

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Dawah and Interfaith

10 Lessons I Learned While Serving Those in Need

Abu Ryan Dardir

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charity
Which deeds are most beloved to Allah?

Alhamdulillah, by the blessings of Allah (swt) and readers like yourself, MuslimMatters has been an independent platform for our best thought leaders to educate us in our faith and catalyze change through powerful, necessary conversations. Since our humble beginnings as a basic wordpress blog in 2007, our content has remained free.

The Prophet (SAW) has taught us the best of deeds are those that done consistently, even if they are small. Click here to support us with a monthly donation of $10 per month, or even as little as $1. Set it and collect blessings from Allah (swt) for the khayr you're supporting without thinking about it.

I have spent about a decade serving the impoverished domestically and recently, abroad. I don’t work for a major charity organization, I work for my community, through grassroots efforts. It was something embedded in me while learning Islam. Before starting a charity organization, I started studying Islam with Dr. Hatem Alhaj (my mentor) and various other scholars. The more I studied, the more I wanted to implement what I was learning. What my community needed at the time was intensive charity work, as it was neglected entirely by our community. From that, I collected 10 lessons from servicing those in need. 

My bubble burst

One of the first things I experienced was the bursting of my bubble, a sense of realization. I, like many others, was unaware of the hardship in my own community. Yes, we know the hadith and see the events unfold on the news and social media, but when a father of three cried before me because a bag of groceries was made available for him to take home, that moment changed me. We tend to forget how little it takes, to make a huge difference in someone’s life. This experience, made me understand the following hadith of the Prophet Muhammad (peace be upon him): “Every Muslim has to give in charity.” The people then asked: “(But what) if someone has nothing to give, what should he do?” The Prophet replied: “He should work with his hands and benefit himself and also give in charity (from what he earns).” The people further asked: “If he cannot find even that?” He replied: “He should help the needy, who appeal for help.” Then the people asked: “If he cannot do (even) that?” The Prophet said finally: “Then he should perform good deeds and keep away from evil deeds, and that will be regarded as charitable deeds.” – Sahih Al-Bukhari, Volume 2, Hadith 524. I

t is simply an obligation, due to the amount of good it generates after you do this one action. I then realized even more how beautiful Islam is for commanding this deed. 

Friendships were developed on good deeds

Serving the poor is a great reward in itself. The Prophet Muhammad ṣallallāhu 'alayhi wa sallam (peace and blessings of Allāh be upon him) said: “Save yourself from hellfire by giving even half a date-fruit in charity.” – Sahih Al-Bukhari, Volume 2, Hadith 498. But it is better done with a team, I began building a team of people with similar objectives in serving the needy. These people later became some of my closest friends, who better to keep close to you than one that serves Allah subḥānahu wa ta'āla (glorified and exalted be He) by helping the neediest in the same community you reside in. Prophet Muhammad ṣallallāhu 'alayhi wa sallam (peace and blessings of Allāh be upon him) said: “A person is likely to follow the faith of his friend, so look whom you befriend.” [reported by Abu Dawood & Tirmidhee] This is turn kept me on the right path of pleasing Allah subḥānahu wa ta'āla (glorified and exalted be He). Working with a team removes a lot of the burden as well and the depression that might occur seeing the saddest stories on a daily basis. Allah says in the Qur’ān, “Indeed the believers are brothers.” (49:10). Sometimes there is a misconception that you have to have a huge office or a large masjid in order to get work done. But honestly, all you need is a dedicated group of people with the right intention and things take off from there. 

The Prophet Muhammad (peace be upon him) said: 'If you love the poor and bring them near you. . .God will bring you near Him on the Day of Resurrection.' - Al-Tirmidhi,Click To Tweet

Made me thankful

This made me thankful for whatever I had, serving the less fortunate reminded me daily to turn to Allah and ask for forgiveness and so be thankful. This kind of service also puts things into perspective. What is truly important in life? I stepped further and further away from a materialistic lifestyle and allowed me to value things that can’t be valued by money. I learned this from the poorest of people in my community, who strived daily for their family regardless of their situation — parents who did what they can to shield their children from their harsh reality. The Prophet Muhammad (peace be upon him) said: “If you love the poor and bring them near you. . .God will bring you near Him on the Day of Resurrection.” – Al-Tirmidhi, Hadith 1376. They had a quality about them, despite their poverty status. They were always some of the kindest people I have known. 

People want to do Good

I learned that people want to do good; they want to improve their community and society. I began to see the impact on a communal level, people were being more engaged. We were the only Muslim group helping indiscriminately in our county. Even the people we helped, gave back by volunteering at our food pantry. We have schools where small kids (under adult supervision) partake in preparing meals for the needy, local masajids, churches, and temples, high school kids from public schools, and college organizations (Muslim and nonMuslim) visit frequently from several cities in neighboring counties, cities, and states. The good spreads a lot easier and faster than evil. People want to do good, we just need more opportunities for them to join in. United we can rock this world.

“We need more light about each other. Light creates understanding, understanding creates love, love creates patience, and patience creates unity.” Malcolm X. Click To Tweet

Smiles

Smiles, I have seen the wealthiest smiles on the poorest people. Despite being on the brink of homelessness, when I saw them they had the best smile on their faces. This wasn’t all of them, but then I would smile back and that changed the environment we were in. The Prophet Muhammad (peace be upon him) said: “Charity is prescribed for each descendant of Adam every day the sun rises.” He was then asked: “From what do we give charity every day?” The Prophet answered: “The doors of goodness are many…enjoining good, forbidding evil, removing harm from the road, listening to the deaf, leading the blind, guiding one to the object of his need, hurrying with the strength of one’s legs to one in sorrow who is asking for help, and supporting the feeble with the strength of one’s arms–all of these are charity prescribed for you.” He also said: “Your smile for your brother is charity.” – Fiqh-us-Sunnah, Volume 3, Number 98. Smiles are truly universal.

It’s ok to cry

It was narrated that Abu Hurayrah raḍyAllāhu 'anhu (may Allāh be pleased with him) said: The Messenger of Allah said: “A man who weeps for fear of Allah will not enter Hell until the milk goes back into the udder, and dust produced (when fighting) for the sake of Allah and the smoke of Hell will never coexist.” Narrated by al-Tirmidhi and al-Nasaa’i. There are situations you see that hit you hard; they fill your heart with emotions, but that never swayed my concrete belief in Allah’s wisdom. Crying before Allah, not just out of fear, but to be thankful for His Mercy upon you is a relief.

Learning to say no

It was one of the hardest things I had to do, a lot (if not all) of the requests I received for help were extremely reasonable. I do not think anyone asked for anything outrageous. Our organization started becoming the go-to organization in our area for help, but we are one organization, with limited resources, and a few times we were restricted on when or how we could help. This is where learning to say no became a learned skill. Wedid do our best to follow up with a plan or an alternative resource.

It is part of raising a family and finding yourself

How so? Being involved in your community doesn’t take away from raising your family, it is part of it. I can’t watch and do nothing and expect my children to be heroes. I have to lead by example. Helping others is good for my family’s health. Many people living in our country are consumed with their busy lives. Running out the door, getting to work, driving the kids to their after school activities, spending weekends taking care of their families, etc. So people have a fear of investing hours in doing this type of work. But in reality, this work puts more blessings in your time.

One may feel they are taking time away from their family, but in reality, when one comes back home, they find more peace in their home then they left it with. By helping others, I improve the health and culture of my community, this in turn positively impacts my family.

I enjoy being a softie with my family and friends. I am a tall bearded man, and that image suited me better. I am not sure what made me softer, having kids or serving the poor. Either way, it was rewarding and defined my role and purpose in my community.

I learned that you make your own situation. You can be a spectator, or you can get in there and do the best you can to help. It gave me an opportunity to be a role model for my own children, to show them the benefit of doing good and helping when you can.

It came with a lot of humility. Soon after starting I realized that all I am is a facilitator, Allah subḥānahu wa ta'āla (glorified and exalted be He) is giving an opportunity of a lifetime to do this work, a line of work very little people get to engage in regularly. My advice to my readers, if you can serve the poor do so immediately before you get occupied or busy with life.

Helping others is good for my family’s health.Click To Tweet

Dawah through action

As I mentioned before I did spend time studying, and at one point developed one of the top dawah initiatives in the country (according to IERA). But the reality is, helping the less fortunate is my type of dawah, people started to associate our food pantry and helping others with Islam. As an organization with one of the most diverse groups of volunteers, people from various religious backgrounds found the environment comfortable and hospitable. I began working with people I never would have worked before if I had stuck to traditional dawah, studying, or masjid involvement, all of which are critical. This became a symbol of Islam in our community, and while serving, we became those that embodied the Quran and Sunnah. For a lot of those we served, we were the first Muslims they encountered, and Alhamdulilah for the team we have. Allah subḥānahu wa ta'āla (glorified and exalted be He) also says in the Quran: “So by mercy from Allah, [O Muhammad], you were lenient with them. And if you had been rude [in speech] and harsh in heart, they would have disbanded from about you” (3:159). It is our actions that can turn people away or towards Islam.

Once you serve the needy, you do this for life

I wasn’t volunteering on occasion,— this was an unpaid job that was done regularly. I got requests and calls for emergencies daily at times. It took up hours upon hours every week. As a charity worker, I developed experience and insight in this field. I learned that this was one of the best ways I could serve Allah [swt. “They ask you (O Muhammad) what they should spend in charity. Say: ‘Whatever you spend with a good heart, give it to parents, relatives, orphans, the helpless, and travelers in need. Whatever good you do, God is aware of it.'” – The Holy Quran, 2:215

I believe the work I do with the countless people that do the same is the best work that can be done in our current political climate and globalization. My views and thoughts have evolved over the years seeing situations develop to what they are today. This gave me a comprehensive outlook on our needs as a society and allowed me to venture off and meet people top in their fields like in social activism, environmentalism, labor, etc.

I want to end with three sectors in society that Muslims prosper in and three that Muslims can improve on. We strive on individual education (noncommunal), distributing and organizing charity, and more recently being politically engaged. What we need to improve on is our environmental awareness, working with and understanding unions and labor rights, and organizing anti-war movements. 

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#Life

Looking To Get Married? Here Are A Few Tips

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Which deeds are most beloved to Allah?

Alhamdulillah, by the blessings of Allah (swt) and readers like yourself, MuslimMatters has been an independent platform for our best thought leaders to educate us in our faith and catalyze change through powerful, necessary conversations. Since our humble beginnings as a basic wordpress blog in 2007, our content has remained free.

The Prophet (SAW) has taught us the best of deeds are those that done consistently, even if they are small. Click here to support us with a monthly donation of $10 per month, or even as little as $1. Set it and collect blessings from Allah (swt) for the khayr you're supporting without thinking about it.

It is a truth universally acknowledged that single young Muslims, despite not being in possession of any fortune, are always in search of a spouse.

However little prepared these people may be to undertake this ordeal is given little thought, and they are thrust out into the world of modern Muslim matchmaking. The generational divide in the community has meant that young people have received little training at home to navigate the process of finding a spouse. These individuals are seeking high-quality relationships, but few have the skills and emotional intelligence needed to find one. They are left to learn on their own through trial-and-error, and often a lot of pain.

With hopes of making this journey a little easier, we’ve compiled a few principles to keep in mind as you tread these cold uncharted waters.

You won’t attract what you want, you’ll attract what you are. Do you find in yourself the qualities that you seek in another?Click To Tweet

1. Work on yourself

You won’t attract what you want, you’ll attract what you are. Do you find in yourself the qualities that you seek in another?

Aspire to be self-fulfilled and complete on your own, rather than hoping for someone else to do that for you. Operationally, this entails refining both your inner and outer self. On the outside this could include basic things like being well-groomed (especially for men), knowing how to cook a healthy diet, exercising regularly and supporting yourself financially. You should also ensure you have good relationships with loved ones – do the people you care about love you back? Admit any wrongs you may have done to them and make amends to improve ties if they are strained. The state of your current relationships can be a good indicator of future ones.

On the inside, you should make a moral inventory and work to address your shortcomings in character. You must work on your selfishness, your anger, your dishonesty, your lust, your pride, your stinginess, your harshness, your resentments, your stubbornness, your fears, your jealousy, your self-righteousness, your vanity. This list is never ending and it’s a lifelong process; the sooner you get started the better off you’ll be.

You must also get help for any serious problems that you fear might affect a relationship – instead of hoping these problems will go away with the ‘right partner’. If you have a pornography problem, seek out help and don’t be deluded into thinking marriage will solve that for you. If you have no control over your desires before marriage, you won’t magically gain control afterward. If you have a substance abuse problem, join a 12-step program. If you feel you are emotionally unhealthy, get help from a professional. Bottom line is, have your house in order before you decide to build a new one.

2. Maintain good mental health throughout the process

Be purposeful in your search but don’t make it the purpose of your life. The process of finding a spouse can become emotionally draining and overwhelming if you don’t do it in a healthy fashion. Understand that this process entails too many factors that are completely out of your control; things won’t always go your way, so don’t be too attached to the outcome.  The only things you control are your responses and actions, so just focus on putting your best foot forward.

A common mistake people make is they give themselves a timeline e.g. ‘I want to be married by X age, or by X year’. This only results in unnecessary pressure that can lead to anxiety and poor mental health; it can also force one to make imprudent choices. Everyone has a different timeline; have trust in God’s plan for you.

Anytime mental health is disturbed, stop and revaluate. Some signs of poor mental health include: obsessive thinking, inability to focus on your everyday affairs, compulsive attachment and clinginess, disturbed sleep, anxiety, difficulty making decisions, inability to multitask, feeling overwhelmed, panic attacks, depression, irritability, changes in eating habits, and a loss of inner serenity. It is best to get help from counselors, such as those at Naseeha, if you feel stuck in this situation.

3. Adopt a mindset of giving

The measure you give is the measure you get back. Instead of worrying so much about what you want, focus on what you have to offer.

While you should certainly express your interest in someone you like, don’t taint it with desperation and neediness. If you’ve implemented the first point mentioned, you are already a confident and self-sufficient person. You will be fine no matter what. Focus on giving without expectation and building a healthy companionship. Be a giver and you’ll be surprised how easily you will attract the right people towards you. The ‘mindset of want’ is a self-defeating mindset: you might not find all the things you want in someone, and even if you did, there is no guarantee they’ll want you back!

4. Don’t overthink it

Living in a capitalist society, we’ve developed the bad habit of picking out people the same way we go shopping for a new product. We like to explore the market, do a cost-benefit analysis of various options, try to make sure the product isn’t damaged and hope to pick out the best possible item. We are careful about how we ‘invest our time’ and we try to ensure we can get an appropriate return on our investment. If we could, we’d ask for a money-back guarantee on people too!

Human hearts, unfortunately, cannot be picked out the way we choose commercial products. Each has its flaws and its strengths, you have to accept both the good and the bad; the pro-con list approach won’t work here. When we start taking this reductionist approach to relationships, we naturally get into overthinking, feel anxious and overwhelmed. With the widespread use of online dating, the choices seem limitless and it can seem impossible to try to figure out how to find the right person.

Marriage is a decision that’s to be taken with the heart; you have to rely on your guts and your instincts to steer you towards the person most suitable for you. This doesn’t mean throwing rational thought out the door, it means looking to your inner-self as the source of motivation for your decision making. It takes emotional intelligence and self-awareness to be able to determine what kind of a person you’ll be able to build a future with; it’s not always someone that looks best on paper. There are very few people with whom you’ll find compatibility and reciprocity, so don’t obsess over exploring as many possible ‘options’ with hopes of marking off all the items on your checklist.

We ultimately find the most fulfillment in caring for and taking responsibility for someone we sincerely love. So, look instead for the ingredients that will act as the foundations of love in your marriage. These could include the fact that you: enjoy someone’s company, find them beautiful, admire their character and kindness, respect them, find reciprocity in your interactions, have shared values and compatible temperaments. You are looking for that certitude, that good feeling in your heart; focusing on these factors will hopefully give you that and will get you out of the common mistake of overthinking and worrying.

One of the unique challenges Western Muslims face when looking for a spouse is finding religious compatibility. The diversity of our community, coupled with the individualized nature of faith in the West, has given rise to a plethora of ‘brands’ of Islam. Click To Tweet

5. Work to bridge religious differences

One of the unique challenges Western Muslims face when looking for a spouse is finding religious compatibility. The diversity of our community, coupled with the individualized nature of faith in the West, has given rise to a plethora of ‘brands’ of Islam. Personal levels of observance can vary vastly, even within members of the same family, so it can be challenging to find the right fit.

You will always find differences in religious observance and views between spouses. It is impossible, and foolish, to try to seek out someone at the exact same level. Some people might be more conservative than you, some might be more liberal. Do you really have to turn someone down because they don’t agree with your views on conventional mortgages? What if you like dressing up for Halloween and going trick-or-treating, and they’re opposed to it? What if they don’t eat zabiha halal like you do? What if they don’t pray all the five prayers on time like you were raised to do so?

Given the unique circumstances we live in, we must be flexible and open-minded about resolving such differences. We ought to be careful when making a judgment about someone’s beliefs; we don’t know what’s in someone’s heart. Some of us were taught to honour God through worship and observing His law, some of us were raised with an emphasis on serving His creation with good character. People have their strengths and their weaknesses in faith; sometimes these are apparent, sometimes hidden. Your relationship with God is not perfect and neither will be your partner’s; we are all a work in progress.

If approached with kindness, mutual respect and a willingness to compromise, these differing religious views could be resolved in many cases. While sometimes people really are on extreme ends, most of us fall somewhere in between and can find a comfortable middle ground. It is often our stubbornness, self-righteousness and a parochial understanding of religion that gets in the way. Good people are hard to find, so don’t let suitable matches go because they don’t follow your exact flavor of religious observance. This is certainly a sensitive topic and needs to be dealt with tact and wisdom; it is advisable to seek counsel of more experienced people.

6. Don’t expose your past and don’t pry about someone else’s

If you have a past you are not proud of and it doesn’t concern your future relationships, you should not feel obliged to expose yourself. In fact, if this relates to sins of the past, it is actually prohibited to reveal your sins to someone else – even in the context of marriage. Shaykh Nuh Keller summarizes this pitfall well, “In Islam, to mention a sin is itself a sin. How many a person has been unable to resist telling a friend or a spouse of the wickedness they did in their previous life, and Allah punished them with disgust and contempt in the other’s heart that could never quite be forgotten! There is no barakah in the haram”.

Similarly, it goes without saying that you shouldn’t be prying about someone else’s past and trying to dig up details on their misadventures. The Prophet ṣallallāhu 'alayhi wa sallam (peace and blessings of Allāh be upon him) commanded us to have a good opinion of people; he warned against the destructive nature of suspicion and spying. He told us, “Beware of suspicion for it is the most deceitful of thought. Do not look for the others’ faults and do not spy, and do not be jealous of one another, and do not desert (cut your relation with) one another, and do not hate one another; Rather, be servants of God as brothers”

7. Istikhara is not a solution for indecisiveness

The prayer of seeking guidance, or Istikhara, is oft cited by those considering marriage. The mistake many make, however, is that we are really wishing for someone else to make the decision for us. We are so afraid of making the wrong decision that we find it difficult to make any. We hope for a divine sign or a miracle to happen that tells us that the other person is right for us and that we will live happily ever after with them.

Making big life decisions, emotionally prudent ones, is an important life skill that must be learned. These decisions come with inherent risks, uncertainties, and unknowns; there are no guarantees. If you habitually find yourself having a hard time deciding, it is likely due to external factors. It might have something to do with you, it might have something to do with the person you are considering. It is advisable to seek counsel if you are in this situation.

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Loving Muslim Marriage Episode #6: Is it Taboo to Talk About Sex?

Saba Syed (Umm Reem)

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Is talking about sex a taboo in Islam? Religiously, not at all. Culturally though, that's a different story.Click To Tweet
On one hand we are completely stone-walling sex or anything related to sex any issues that people can have with sex, and on the other hand we still live in this country, we still have TV, we still have books, we still have the internet, I don’t understand how these two, almost diametrically opposed philosophies on sex can co-exist in one person’s mind. Click To Tweet
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