Five Ways To Deal With Disappointment

By Raghad Ebied

We​ ​are​ ​all​ ​inevitably​ ​going​ ​to​ ​face​ ​moments​ ​of​ ​disappointment​ ​in​ ​our​ ​life​: disappointments​ ​from​ ​work,​ ​family,​ ​friends,​ ​society,​ ​and​ ​even​ ​ourselves.​ ​That’s​ ​the​ ​very nature​ ​of​ ​the​ ​world​ ​we​ ​live​ ​in​; ​it’s​ ​not​ ​ideal,​ ​it’s​ ​not​ ​perfect,​ ​and​ ​shortcomings​ ​are bound​ ​to​ ​happen​ ​from​ ​others​ ​and​ ​from​ ​ourselves. The​ ​questions then arise: How​ ​do​ ​we​ ​deal​ ​with​ ​these​ ​disappointments?​ ​How​ ​do​ ​we​ ​reconcile​ ​our need​ ​to​ ​have​ ​fulfilling​ ​jobs​ ​and​ ​relationships​ ​as well as ​fulfill​ ​our​ ​own​ ​promises​ ​to​ ​ourselves, when​ ​we​ ​as​ ​well​ ​as​ ​others​ ​are​ ​humans​ ​who​ ​can​ ​be​ ​weak​ ​and​ ​forgetful? How​ ​do​ ​we​ ​forgive​ ​when​ ​we’re​ ​hurt?​ ​How​ ​do​ ​we​ ​“forget”​ ​when​ ​we​ ​need​ ​to​ ​move​ ​on? How​ ​do​ ​we​ ​overcome​ ​intense​ ​feelings​ ​of​ ​disappointment​ ​and​ ​sometimes​ ​disbelief​ ​about what​ ​happens​ ​around​ ​us?

Nobody​ ​said​ ​it​ ​was​ ​going​ ​to​ ​be​ ​easy​. In​ ​fact​ ​we​ ​are​ ​told​:

​“Verily​ ​We​ ​have​ ​created​ ​the human​ ​being​ ​into​ ​toil​ ​and​ ​struggle” [Surah Al-Balad;4]

We​ ​hope,​ ​we​ ​dream,​ ​we​ ​strive,​ ​we​ ​build​ ​and​ ​yes​ ​indeed​ ​we​ ​can​ ​fail,​ ​fall,​ ​and​ ​feel​ ​hurt, betrayal,​ ​and​ ​just​ ​simply​ ​experience a​ ​lack​ ​of​ ​empathy​ ​and​ ​compassion​ ​from​ ​others.​ ​However,​ ​we can​ ​get​ ​back​ ​up,​ ​try​ ​again,​ ​hope​ ​again,​ ​dream​ ​again,​ ​strive​ ​again​ ​and​ ​build​ ​again.​ ​We​ ​can succeed​ ​again.​ ​We​ ​can​ ​be​ ​happy​ ​and​ ​fulfilled​ ​again, if we just follow these five steps:

1)​ ​Go Back To Allah

​Seek​ ​comfort​ ​in the knowledge​ ​​that​ ​Your​ ​Creator knows​ ​exactly​ ​what​ ​happened,​ ​how​ ​you​ ​feel,​ ​how​ ​it​ ​impacted​ ​you​ ​and​ ​indeed​ ​has​ ​the power​ ​to​ ​heal​ ​what​ ​is​ ​hurt,​ ​mend​ ​what​ ​is​ ​broken,​ ​and​ ​grant​​ ​acceptance​ ​and serenity. Here​ ​are​ ​some​ ​points​ ​to​ ​think​ ​about:

Understand​ ​​the​ ​attributes​ ​of​ ​Allah​ ​​ ​: ​Comprehending Allah’s names like Ar-Rahman​ ​(The​ ​All-Merciful), Ar-Raheem​ ​(The​ ​All-Compassionate),​ ​Al-Malik​ ​(The​ ​King),​ ​Al-Wadood​ ​(The​ ​Loving), Al-Hakeem​ ​(The​ ​All-Wise),​ ​Al-Aleem​ ​(The​ ​All-Knowing),​ ​Al-Kareem​ ​(The​ ​All​ ​Generous), and​ ​the​ ​many​ ​other​ ​descriptions​ ​of​ ​Allah​ ​​ will ​provide​ ​a​ ​source​ ​of​ ​comfort​ ​and strength​ ​that​ ​​The​ ​Creator​ ​of​ ​the​ ​Heavens​ ​and​ ​the​ ​Earths​ ​is there to take​ ​care​ ​of​ ​our every​ ​single​ ​need.

“Seek help through patience and prayer,” as we are ​told​ ​in​ ​the​ ​Quran:​

​“And​ ​seek​ ​help​ ​through​ ​patience​ ​and​ ​prayer,​ ​and​ ​indeed, it​ ​is​ ​difficult​ ​except​ ​for​ ​the​ ​humbly​ ​submissive​ ​(to​ ​Allah)”​ ​[Surah Al-Baqarah;4]

Make dua’a: When​ ​it​ ​comes​ ​to​ ​dua’a,​ ​we​ ​are​ ​told​ ​in​ ​the​ ​Quran:​ ​

“If​ ​my​ ​servants​ ​ask​ ​you​ ​about​ ​me, then​ ​tell​ ​them​ ​I​ ​am​ ​near,​ ​and​ ​I​ ​answer​ ​the​ ​call​ ​of​ ​the​ ​one​ ​who​ ​calls​ ​on​ ​to​ ​me”​ ​[Al-Baqarah;186]

​We​ ​all​ ​need​ ​something​ ​in​ ​life​ ​and​ ​strive​ ​to​ ​achieve​ ​some​ ​goals​ ​– we​ ​all​ ​need​ ​faith​ ​and​ ​guidance,. We​ ​all​ ​want​ ​love,​ ​​shelter,​ ​sustenance,​ ​and​ ​caring,​ ​supportive​ ​family​ ​and​ ​community.​ ​We​ ​all​ ​want​ ​to​ ​be healthy​ ​and​ ​happy,​ ​and to​ ​have​ ​a​ ​great​ ​vision​ ​that​ ​we​ ​strive​ ​to​ ​actualize,​ ​among many​ ​other​ ​wishes​ ​and​ ​aspirations.

When​ ​we​ ​are​ ​met​ ​with​ ​disappointment​ ​over​ ​lost​ ​hopes​ ​and​ ​goals,​ ​we​ ​need​ ​to​ ​keep searching​ ​deep​ ​inside​ ​our​ ​hearts​ ​for​ ​our​ ​innermost​ ​desires​ ​and​ ​call​ ​unto​ ​Allah​ ​, knowing​ ​that​ ​no​ ​dua’a​ ​is​ ​too​ ​great​ ​for​ ​Him,​ ​and​ ​that​ ​the​ ​power​ ​of​ ​dua’a ​is​ ​truly beyond​ ​our​ ​imagination.

2)​ ​Adjust Your Expectations​ ​

We​ ​are​ ​told​ ​about​ ​the​ ​inherent imperfections​ ​of​ ​the​ ​world​ ​we​ ​live​ ​in​ ​over​ ​and​ ​over​ ​again​ ​in​ ​the​ ​Quran​ ​and​ ​we​ ​are​ ​a witness​ ​to​ ​it​ ​yet over​ ​and​ ​over​ ​again ​every​ ​time​ ​we​ ​experience​ ​some​ ​sort​ ​of​ ​disappointment.

أَمْ حَسِبْتُمْ أَن تَدْخُلُوا الْجَنَّةَ وَلَمَّا يَأْتِكُم مَّثَلُ الَّذِينَ خَلَوْا مِن قَبْلِكُم ۖ مَّسَّتْهُمُ الْبَأْسَاءُ وَالضَّرَّاءُ وَزُلْزِلُوا حَتَّىٰ يَقُولَ الرَّسُولُ وَالَّذِينَ آمَنُوا مَعَهُ مَتَىٰ نَصْرُ اللَّهِ ۗ أَلَا إِنَّ نَصْرَ اللَّهِ قَرِيبٌ 

“Or​ ​do​ ​you​ ​think​ ​that​ ​you​ ​will​ ​enter​ ​Paradise​ ​while​ ​such​ ​(trial) ​has​ ​not​ ​yet​ ​come​ ​to​ ​you as​ ​came​ ​to​ ​those​ ​who​ ​passed​ ​on​ ​before​ ​you?​ ​They​ ​were​ ​touched​ ​by​ ​poverty​ ​and​ ​hardship and​ ​were​ ​shaken​ ​until​ ​(even​ ​their)​ ​messenger​ ​and​ ​those​ ​who​ ​believed​ ​with​ ​him​ ​said “When​ ​is​ ​the​ ​help​ ​of​ ​Allah?”​ ​Unquestionably,​ ​the​ ​help​ ​of​ ​Allah​ ​is​ ​near.” [Al-Baqarah;214]

وَلَنَبْلُوَنَّكُم بِشَيْءٍ مِّنَ الْخَوْفِ وَالْجُوعِ وَنَقْصٍ مِّنَ الْأَمْوَالِ وَالْأَنفُسِ وَالثَّمَرَاتِ ۗ وَبَشِّرِ الصَّابِرِينَ 

“And​ ​certainly,​ ​We​ ​shall​ ​test​ ​you​ ​with​ ​something​ ​of​ ​fear,​ ​hunger,​ ​loss​ ​of​ ​wealth,​ ​lives and​ ​fruits,​ ​but​ ​give​ ​glad​ ​tidings​ ​to​ ​As-Sabirin​ ​(the​ ​patient​ ​ones)​ ​…”​ ​[Al-Baqarah;155]

So​ ​you​ ​can​ ​learn​ ​how​ ​to​ ​work​ ​through​ ​disappointment​ ​by​ ​expecting​ ​that​ ​you​ ​are​ ​bound to​ ​encounter​ ​situations​ ​that​ ​challenge​ ​you​ ​and​ ​could​ ​indeed​ ​cause​ ​worry,​ ​sadness,​ ​and pain.​ ​Know​ ​that​ ​as​ ​you​ ​experience​ ​more​ ​of​ ​these​ ​situations,​ ​you​ ​will​ ​grow​ ​stronger. Remember​ ​though​, that ​growing​ ​stronger​ ​does​ ​not​ ​mean​ ​that​ ​the​ ​heart​ ​grows​ ​harder​; rather ​it should​ ​mean​ ​that​ ​our​ ​hearts​ ​are​ ​actually​ ​softer​ ​and​ ​able​ ​to​ ​show​ ​more​ ​compassion​ ​for others.​ ​In​ ​fact,​ ​it​ ​can​ ​mean​ ​that​ ​the​ ​heart​ ​is​ ​so​ ​alive​ ​and​ ​so​ ​in​ ​touch​ ​with​ ​its​ ​feelings​ ​and those​ ​of​ ​others,​ ​that​ ​it​ ​can​ ​be​ ​such​ ​a​ ​source​ ​of​ ​strength​ ​in​ ​difficult​ ​times.​ ​Think​ ​of​ ​the difference​ ​you​ ​can​ ​make​ ​to​ ​others​ ​who​ ​have​ ​gone​ ​through​ ​difficult​ ​times​ ​when​ ​you​ ​can reach​ ​out​ ​and​ ​support​ ​them​ ​because​ ​you​ ​know​ ​exactly​ ​how​ ​they​ ​feel.Our​ ​belief​ ​in​ ​fate​ also ​gives​ ​us​ ​assurance​ ​that​ ​there​ ​is​ ​nothing​ ​that​ ​can​ ​happen​ ​to​ ​us without​ ​the​ ​will​ ​of​ ​Allah​ ​​ ​as​ ​per​ ​the​ ​Prophet’s​ ​​ ​hadith:

“O​ ​young​ ​man,​ ​I​ ​shall​ ​teach​ ​you​ ​some​ ​words​ ​[of​ ​advice]:​ ​Be​ ​mindful​ ​of​ ​Allah​ ​and​ ​Allah will​ ​protect​ ​you.​ ​Be​ ​mindful​ ​of​ ​Allah​ ​and​ ​you​ ​will​ ​find​ ​Him​ ​in​ ​front​ ​of​ ​you.​ ​If​ ​you​ ​ask, then​ ​ask​ ​Allah​ ​[alone];​ ​and​ ​if​ ​you​ ​seek​ ​help, then​ ​seek​ ​help​ ​from​ ​Allah​ ​[alone].​ ​And know​ ​that​ ​if​ ​the​ ​nation​ ​were​ ​to​ ​gather​ ​together​ ​to​ ​benefit​ ​you​ ​with​ ​anything,​ ​they​ ​would not​ ​benefit​ ​you​ ​except​ ​with​ ​what​ ​Allah​ ​had​ ​already​ ​prescribed​ ​for​ ​you.​ ​And​ ​if​ ​they​ ​were to​ ​gather​ ​together​ ​to​ ​harm​ ​you​ ​with​ ​anything,​ ​they​ ​would​ ​not​ ​harm​ ​you​ ​except​ ​with what​ ​Allah​ ​had​ ​already​ ​prescribed​ ​against​ ​you.​ ​The​ ​pens​ ​have​ ​been​ ​lifted​ ​and​ ​the​ ​pages have​ ​dried.”​ ​[At-​ ​Tirmidhi]

3)​ ​(Re)Focus On What Really Matters In Life

​If there is​ ​a​ ​moment,​ ​an​ ​encounter,​ ​or​ ​a​ ​situation​ ​that​ ​has​ ​happened​ ​and​ ​is​ ​upsetting​ ​you, yet​ ​it​ ​really​ ​has​ ​no​ ​greater​ ​impact​ ​on​ ​your​ ​priorities​ ​and​ ​values​ ​in​ ​life,​ ​try​ ​to​ ​not​ ​allow​ ​it to​ ​take​ ​up​ ​too​ ​much​ ​of​ ​your​ ​time​ ​and​ ​thought. Do​ ​what​ ​you​ ​can​ ​to​ ​deal​ ​with​ ​it​ ​in​ ​the​ ​way​ ​that​ ​is​ ​best​ ​aligned​ ​with​ ​the​ ​highest​ ​moral characters,​ ​and​ ​then​ ​move​ ​on.​ ​With​ ​time,​ ​this​ ​will​ ​get​ ​easier.​ ​At​ ​the​ ​end​ ​of​ ​the​ ​day,​ ​one can’t​ ​‘fix’​ ​everything.​ ​One​ ​can’t​ ​be​ ​everyone’s​ ​best​ ​friend.​ ​And​ ​one​ ​can’t​ ​please​ ​everyone. Basically​ ​if​ ​what​ ​you’re​ ​doing​ ​is​ ​pleasing​ ​to​ ​the​ ​Creator,​ ​then​ ​worry​ ​less​ ​about​ ​the creation.

4)​ ​Build ‘Resilience’

This is the​ ​ability​ ​to​ ​overcome​ ​difficult circumstances​ ​and​ ​‘bounce​ ​back’​ ​stronger​ ​than​ ​before.​ ​For​ ​some,​ ​resilience​ ​is​ ​built​ ​as you​ ​encounter​ ​more​ ​experiences​ ​and​ ​grow​ ​older.​ ​Resilience​ ​allows​ ​you​ ​to​ ​actualize​ ​one of​ ​the​ ​greatest​ ​keys​ ​to​ ​success,​ ​according​ ​to​ ​personal​ ​development​ ​experts,​ ​which​ ​is​ ​to believe​ ​that​ ​we​ ​are​ ​not​ ​the​ ​results​ ​of​ ​our​ ​circumstances.​ ​It​ ​allows​ ​us​ ​to​ ​come​ ​back​ ​and try​ ​again,​ ​even​ ​after​ ​great​ ​disappointment​ ​because​ ​we​ ​did​ ​not​ ​want​ ​to​ ​allow circumstances​ ​to​ ​dictate​ ​who​ ​we​ ​are​ ​or​ ​the​ ​quality​ ​of​ ​our​ ​life. Poverty,​ ​illness,​ ​sadness,​ ​wars,​ ​natural​ ​disasters,​ ​and​ ​a​ ​lack​ ​of​ ​safety,​ ​a​ ​lack​ ​of opportunity​ ​or​ ​social​ ​support​ ​and​ ​other​ ​unfortunate​ ​circumstances​ ​do​ ​not​ ​have​ ​to​ ​doom a​ ​person​ ​to​ ​misery.​ ​

To​ ​build​ ​more​ ​resilience,​ ​you​ ​can​ ​start​ ​each​ ​day​ ​with​ ​a​ ​strong affirmative​ ​statement​ ​such​ ​as​ ​“Insha’Allah​ ​I​ ​will​ ​overcome​ ​this disappointment/grief/hurt/​ ​etc.” Remember​ ​what​ ​you​ ​are​ ​grateful​ ​for​ ​everyday​ ​including​ ​the​ ​blessings​ ​and​ ​strengths Allah​ ​has​ ​bestowed​ ​upon you​,​ ​and​ ​express​ ​your​ ​thoughts​ ​in​ ​your​ ​dua’a ​to​ ​Allah​ ​ and/or​ ​in​ ​a​ ​journal.​ ​Research​ ​has​ ​shown​ ​that​ ​people​ ​who​ ​keep​ ​gratitude​ ​journals​ ​are generally​ ​happier​ ​and​ ​healthier. It​ ​is​ ​of​ ​great​ ​help​ ​to​ ​create​ ​purpose​ ​and​ ​passion​ ​in​ ​your​ ​life​ ​that​ ​compels​ ​you​ ​to​ ​work through​ ​and​ ​overcome​ ​your​ ​trials​ ​and​ ​tribulations.​ ​And​ ​remember​ that ​our​ ​achievements​ ​in life​ ​are​ ​proportionate​ ​to​ ​our​ ​level​ ​of​ ​courage,​ ​which​ ​are​ ​in turn based​ ​on​ ​our​ ​beliefs​ ​about whether​ ​we​ ​can​ ​make​ ​our​ ​goals​ ​happen​ ​or​ ​not,​ ​and​ ​our​ ​ability​ ​to​ ​grow​ ​stronger​ ​through adversity​ ​by​ ​practicing​ ​resilience​ ​(yes,​ ​resilience​ ​is​ ​a​ ​skill​ ​that​ ​can​ ​be​ ​developed​ ​and practiced).​ ​So​ ​we​ ​must​ ​believe​ ​that​ ​we​ ​have​ ​immense​ ​courage​ ​inside​ ​of​ ​us,. We​ ​must believe​ ​that​ ​we​ ​can​ ​overcome​ ​adversity. We​ ​must​ ​believe​ ​that​ ​we​ ​can​ ​achieve​ ​success and​ ​contentment​ ​insha’Allah.

5)​ ​Learn How To Take Care Of Yourself

​ ​Many​ ​of​ ​us (​especially​ ​if​ ​you’re​ ​a woman​ ​and​ ​a​ ​caregiver/mother) ​are​ ​constantly​ ​giving​ ​to​ ​others​ ​around​ ​you. However,​ ​remember​ ​that you​ ​cannot​ ​give​ ​from​ ​an​ ​empty​ ​cup​ ​or​ ​have​ ​the​ ​strength​ ​to overcome​ ​disappointments​ ​and​ ​struggles if you don’t take good care of yourself.​ ​Take​ ​care​ ​of​ ​your​ ​body​ ​by​ ​sleeping​ ​well, eating​ ​a​ ​healthy​ ​diet​: one filled​ ​with​ ​protein,​ ​omega-3​ ​rich​ ​foods,​ ​anti-oxidants,​ ​plenty​ ​of water,​ ​and by eliminating​ ​toxins​ ​like​ ​artificial​ ​sweeteners,​ ​and​ ​of​ ​course​ ​exercise, (which​ ​has been​ ​shown​ ​to​ ​be​ ​just​ ​as​ ​effective​ ​as​ ​anti-depressants​ ​and​ ​subhan​Allah​ ​is​ ​a​ ​natural​ ​way to​ ​release​ ​endorphins​ ​[the​ ​“happy”​ ​hormones”]).​ ​

Learn​ ​how​ ​to​ ​say​ ​’no’​ ​when​ ​you​ ​need​ ​to. And​ ​explore​ ​what​ ​you​ ​need​ ​to​ ​re-charge​. Even​ ​if​ ​you​ ​are​ ​an​ ​extrovert​ ​that​ ​likes​ ​being around​ ​people,​ ​you​ ​will​ ​find​ ​that​ ​you​ ​do​ ​need​ ​time​ ​for​ ​yourself​ ​to​ ​relax.​ ​Whether​ ​it’s time​ ​to​ ​read,​ ​write,​ ​draw,​ ​exercise,​ ​pray,​ ​watch​ ​or​ ​listen​ ​to​ ​an​ ​inspirational​ ​video/audio, ​find​ ​what​ ​works​ ​for​ ​you​ ​and​ ​brings​ ​you​ ​comfort.​ ​If​ ​you’ve​ ​been​ ​through​ ​a​ ​very​ ​difficult time,​ ​don’t​ ​be​ ​afraid​ ​to​ ​seek​ ​help​; after​ ​Allah ,​ ​ask​ ​a​ ​loved​ ​one​ ​or​ ​close​ ​and​ ​trusted friend,​ ​join​ ​an​ ​online​ ​support​ ​group,​ ​or​ ​don’t​ ​be​ ​hesitant​ ​to​ ​speak​ ​to​ ​a​ ​professional counselor.

Finally,​ ​believe​ ​that​ ​feelings​ ​of​ ​disappointment​ ​will​ ​pass​ ​and​ ​that​ ​experiencing​ ​your greatest​ ​weaknesses​ ​could​ ​have​ ​enabled​ ​you​ ​to​ ​develop​ ​your​ ​greatest​ ​strengths​ ​leading to​ ​your​ ​greatest​ ​triumphs​ ​insha’Allah.

This post was first published on the author’s website, and is cross-posted with permission.

Raghad Ebied is a transformational speaker, writer, researcher, and education and training consultant. She has over 10 years of experience in the fields of diversity, spirituality, leadership, well-being and overall personal development and positive transformation in schools, communities, nonprofit and government settings in Canada, the U.S., and the Middle East. She is also the founder and CEO of Ihsan Education (www.ihsanedu.com) and  MuslimaSuccess.com