What’s The Matter? | Should I Marry a Good Man and Live With Mother-In-Law?

30 Comments

1. 

   Ahmed A

   November 6, 2014 at 9:41 AM

   Sister
   I think you need to define the challenge a bit more. What does “living with” mean? Will you share a common roof and live your own lives or are you going to be held responsible for cooking and cleaning for his mother? Your focus seems to be on the son, but have you tried talking to the mother directly and asking her what her expectations are? Also, his mother is HIS responsibility… so you need to define the details of how he intends to fulfill that responsibility and what your involvement is in that.
   Everything in life comes with a challenge and of course, every rose his its thorn. My advice is to be open and honest and try to understand in detail what your future life will entail. Put yourself in a position to make a truly informed decision and then Insha’Allah have tawakul. and make the decision accordingly.

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2. 

   Fatimah

   November 6, 2014 at 11:30 AM

   this does not bode well. successful, accomplished woman planning to marry working class man, and already can’t see eye to eye on major life-influencing factor: living arrangements. look up Islamic concept of “kafa’ah”.

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   • 

     GC66

     November 7, 2014 at 7:34 AM

     Salam sister.

     There is too much emphasis today in Islam(IMO) on the socio-economic selection of a spouse.

     Would you rather have a spouse that can give you the comforts of this life or a spouse who is on the right path and continues to seek the greatest of gifts Allah offers in this world on correct knowledge of living under this trial to acquire the greatest reward in Jannah?

     This life is but a blink of the eye and none of us know when Allah will seal our book here.

     As Muslims…..we should focus on Deen and moral character as the most influential aspect of selecting a spouse.

     While it is nice to have these other attributes as well, without this, we may find ourselves in peril in our taqwa and continued evolution here as servants of Allah.

     The sister is in her mid thirties(as she stated). How many more opportunities will present themself to her marriage in the future and how many has she possibly passed upon already?

     While this may sound biased, the reality is that many Muslim men continue to seek out much younger woman for marriage(and this in itself is a real sad affair), leaving many older sisters searching to complete half their deen and then facing tougher odds every year they increase in age.

     Their must be a way for her to marry him and find serenity with his mother as well?

     Perhaps they need to have their own private dwelling with the residence where she is free from the influence of the mother-in-law?

     To pass on a pious spouse because of this…………??? If it is a union meant to be, then Allah will provide the way for harmony to exist within both relationships.

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     • 

       Fatimah

       November 17, 2014 at 4:50 PM

       many women are seeking spouses in their mid-thirties for the very reason that they had prioritised education and career above getting married. given that in Islam, a husband is supposed to provide nafaqah based on the standard of living that the wife is accustomed to, marry beneath “one’s status” is risky. again, read up on “kafa’ah”.

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3. 

   Arif

   November 7, 2014 at 2:14 AM

   My advise: Do not proceed ahead… It will be very challenging and frustrating .. and will prevent both of you to be happy in the bond of marriage.. Its very clear that the guy wants to do his best in taking care of his mother and This is something very praise worthy according to me… And i am pretty sure, your cooperation and help will be expected for taking care of his mother.. Given that you are not comfortable with the idea of living together at the first place… Giving care to the old women might be almost impossible… In addition to that , the class difference between the two of you is very wide… and these things, unfortunately, play a lot of negative role consciously and subconsciously.

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4. 

   Amatullah

   November 7, 2014 at 5:17 AM

   I live with my in-laws and husband. We are of the same background and ethnic. Its been a year and I STILL can’t cope up with my mother-in-law. Shes so different. Not to mention the generation gap. She wants things her way all the time. My husband does support me but doesn’t like the idea of moving out. I have no one to turn to except Ar-Rahman. The problem with having a troublesome mother-in-law living with you is, it affects YOUR RELATIONSHIP WITH YOUR HUSBAND BADLY. Believe it or not, if there comes up any argument between your mother-in-law and you, each one of you will want the man to support you. And the husband not knowing whom to support (I know Indian men since I am Indian. They just can’t talk against their moms) will eventually refrain from supporting any of you, leading to distress to you and tension to him. I strongly advise you to search for another pious man. And let the Isteqara keep going. Please make a wise decision. No point in living with a head strong man. The wife also has a right to ask for a different house. Men just can’t slay ones rights for another’s.

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   • 

     mohammad

     November 9, 2014 at 7:29 PM

     May Allah reward your husband for not talking back to his mother and may Allah reward you for your patience. AMIN

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   • 

     husna

     March 23, 2015 at 11:40 AM

     Living with my in-laws is a disaster!!! I lived with my in-laws for less than 4 months and by the decree of Allah my marriage is already over. My ex gave me no support and its important to mention that he was also of an Indian descent.

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     • 

       Amina

       August 7, 2015 at 2:32 PM

       Same story, lasted 4 months, mother in law was psychologically abusive. Husband didn’t know how to support me. Some Mother in laws are destroying the live of not only women but also grandchildren by parents having to separate, they have little regret or compassion and understanding on how many lives the impact and destroy. May Allah protect our community.

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5. 

   Dawud

   November 7, 2014 at 10:10 PM

   This is an interesting dilemma and one that seems not to have an easy answer. One factor I see is the economic connection to laborer and living with his mother. Is this easier for him because he cannot easily support himself with you in your own home? Are there ties to his mother psychologically that he has not developed beyond, which would lead to other problems between you and him? People of good character are important indeed and I empathize with you regarding your position in age. My recommendation would be to place this issue with a 3rd party whom you both trust in to assist in giving clarity to all of the concerns for the benefit for all. It changes the dynamic and allows for influence and championing of your role and influence in future matters as well. And inshahallah, he may be worth his character someone has vouched for.

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6. 

   mohammad

   November 9, 2014 at 7:27 PM

   Assalamu’alaikum

   If you do marry him, please make things easy for him. Remember that mother comes after only Allah and Messenger. Today you are wife and daughter in law and life is a cycle and one day you will become mother and at that point you will also become third only after Allah and Messenger. What goes around will come around.

   Sisters, please make things easy for us and do not make things difficult for us.

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   • 

     Amatullah

     November 11, 2014 at 1:48 AM

     LOL.. I am sorry brother. This really made me laugh. Sorry again. Make things easy for you? For the ones who get a wife in comfort of their home, comfort of their parents! You get someone who leaves their home, their parents to take care of you and to be taken care of you. She is the one who puts up with everyone in your families. She is the one who holds close to her heart every pain and hides it from you. You will now have another added person to comfort you, to take care of you, to love you. And you also want her to make things easy for You. It is more important for husbands to make things easy for their wives.

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     • 

       M

       November 11, 2014 at 11:10 AM

       Assalam Alaikum sister

       I agree with what you’re saying but you need to understand the brother’s point of view too.

       I mean would you really want a son to talk against his mother? Would you want your brother to talk against your mother? Would you talk against your mother? Most likely not. You would probably come up with a wiser way to deal with the problem.

       Of course there’s a generation gap between you and your mother-in-law, there’s probably one between you and your parent’s too.

       Men are usually stuck in a tug-of-war between their mother and wife, they might want to support their wife but they know that displeasing one’s mother is not an option either. Maybe there’s another way of dealing with this situation besides the guy talking back to his mother, or you ruining your relationship with your husband.

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     • 

       mohd

       November 11, 2014 at 10:08 PM

       Wa’alaikumussalam,

       Please do not laugh at me. You do not know what men go through with both sides accusing the husband and son of siding the other side.Morever i have a mother who is not well. The least i would expect is support from the side who is sound but i dont get it.

       Now you are the wife and one day you will become the mother. You would not want your son to talk back to you.

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     • 

       Fairy SIDDIQI

       November 14, 2014 at 4:34 AM

       Very well said brother. It’s the responsibility of the man and he is answerable to Allah. He should know how to balance the relationships n not mix them together. He has to make it easy for the wife and his family should be just and big hearted. The husband has to love, protect and understand his wife. Make a niche for each relationship.

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     • 

       Amatullah

       November 20, 2014 at 11:39 PM

       Assalamu Alaikum..
       “It’s the responsibility of the man and he is answerable to Allah. He should know how to balance the relationships n not mix them together”
       This is exactly my point brother.
       i) One important thing which I am going to teach my son will be to manage his relationships, to realise and learn how to manage them. That is sadly the least though-of aspect by men when marrying. You are answerable to Allah for your mother,her rights and treatment towards her AS MUCH AS you are answerable to Allah for your wife,her rights and treatment towards her.
       ii) If you have an ill mother, it is natural to expect help from your wife BUT it is more important to understand that it is your SOLE responsibility. What she will be doing for your mother will be Sadaqah(Charity) / Ahsan. Respect that.
       iii) If doing a thing as per Islamic shari’ah hurts anyone(be your mother/father/anyone), Its not going to spoil your Aakhirah. Giving your wife a different house to keep her at peace might cause your mother to worry, but that is something imposed by culture. In Islam, they both have their rights and none can object to other’s.

       It is important that every guy educates himself with the rights of mothers and wives before getting married. At the end of the day, he is answerable for both and must have the guts to support Haqq even if it hurts anyone.

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   • 

     Husna

     March 23, 2015 at 11:33 AM

     Brother its easy for you to say this, perhaps you should put your self in her shoes and see if you’re ready to live up to that challenge. My suggestion would be to never have your spouse live under the same room as your mother or father. Experience will teach but our expectations will not! Try to see through her lens and be practical.

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     • 

       Amina

       August 12, 2015 at 5:23 PM

       No woman gets married and leaves her family her family with the intentions of causing rifts between mother and son, NO woman leaves her home, her comfort with the intention of creating discord in the family. We as women, the wife is not asking you to take sides but to help us, and acknowledged the pain we feel, we need solutions, we no taking sides isn’t the answer to the problems we face but rather acknowledging the abusive behaviour that some daughter in laws have to go through because of the mother in law.
       Your mother will always be there for you, she will always be first, your wife’s plays a different role, she is your companion. Companions help each other when in difficulty. If the mother in laws is abusive the sons duty is to help his mother kindly and respectfully understand why such harsh comments are not acceptable in Islam. Its not about taking sides.
       The daughter in law wants acceptance, she want to love but if the husband family are suspicious of her and project their fears and negativity on her, then it is the husbands duty to help his wife.
       A wife can leave, but mothers and sisters will always be there no matter how much you argue.
       A daughter in law wants to be happy, she isn’t out to get anyone.
       Some men focus so much on reminding their mothers that they are number one, that they are their priority that they start to neglect their wife and her feelings. Its good to make you mothers feel loved, its good to show them that they have you undivided attention but don’t overlook your wifes needs while she is being abused.
       Its very hard for a daughter in law even impossible to ever speak up and against the abuse she is experiences, we no we have no chance with the mother in law. Only her son can make her understand.

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7. 

   Radhia Abdillahi

   November 10, 2014 at 2:33 PM

   Salaam alaykum. I lived with my in laws for 4 out of the 6 years of marriage. Now, after giving birth my daughter alhamdulilah we were able to find suitable l affordable housing and live on our own. My advice: There are pro and cons to living with your mother in law. You know the bad so let me tell you some good: She will help you understand your husband better. You will see what he was raised on and if you are able to talk to her candidly, she will help you understand the men of her culture. Another blessing is she will help you learn the food of that culture and the favorite dishes his mamma would make, making him love you more since you remind him off the good old days. Another blessing is that, and I’m really serious, your iman will go up. How? You will be making dua and dua just to move and increase in your ibadah just so you can live on your own. You will learn sabr which will help you for the next stage of your life when kids come in. But try to find out the mother of your possible life partner and see if she is one who will not get to involved. You don’t know her but don’t always expect the worst. Alhamdulilah my mother in law was not at all invasive. But another advice is to know that naturally a man wants to make his wife happy- he does. But tell him on the days when it’s too much that it is to much but you will stay patient until Allah opens a door for you. At first, your husband will say that he’s convinced about staring with his family but after a while, he will realize and wish inside, even if he didn’t say it, that he has his own home. Tell him that you are not pleased with it but you will wait until the time is right. He must know how you feel. But at the day time, be extra loving to him and try to ignore or discomfort but being active. And you must tell him that you want a life outside the home, I.e. work. Be firm on that. If you stay home and no work, you’re adding for drama. Also, be very kind to his mom. Don’t EVER look at her as a rival. She’s not paying the same game as you. The live he has for her is NOT and will NEVER be the same as the pain he has for you. Think week if her and when you see his on your partner, remember it’s because of the hard work she put in it, by the Mercy of Allah. Finally, remember that your mother in law will not live for ever and your husband will be ever grateful to you for the years you sorbet of your life to help him fulfill his intention to take care of his beloved mom. Hope that helped

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8. 

   M.S.

   November 16, 2014 at 2:57 PM

   Salaams…

   I once heard this (very crude and bad) story that one day a lady was walking on a street and she stumbled upon a man tying to push a woman out from a window in a building. And the lady started appealing with the man not to push the woman because the fall could kill her, and she pleaded with the man to have some sense and some mercy. So she asked the man, what was his problem with this lady? And why was he trying to hurt the woman. The man replied, she is my mother in law. The lady down in the street said, please hurry up and throw her out.

   Unfortunately these types of stories or similar ones of the evil mother-in-law, have been propagated in every culture and custom, including the muslim community. (I realize even I participated in re-narrating these stories, and I apologize for that). Sometimes people will even go out of their way to teach their marriage age children, the stories of the “evil Abu Lahb” type mother in law and how to seek protection in Allah from her. How unfortunate, instead of teaching and propagating good, people focus on the instances of evil characters. May Allah protection us from the evil of shaytan and his whispers.

   From what I read from the poster’s question, the ambivalence to go live with the future mother in law may permeate from a perceived fear of falling under the control of the mother in law, of which I think can be attributed to cultural baggage of stories relating to the “bad” mother in law. MashaAllah though, I did not read about any bad acts or actions or descriptions of evil things done by the “future” mother in law. And this shows that the sister has a lot of respect and admiration for her future mother in law. Matter of fact, everything she said about her were positive things; a healthy youthful mother in law, who worked and earned her own income and lives independently in her own house, and who also helps out her (some what under performing) son.

   Maybe what the poster needs to investigate and talk through with her family and close relatives, is how to compromise or fulfill some of the demands of a future spouse. It seems like your future husband is very serious about staying with his mother, attending to her, and/or keeping her company, even though his siblings are also available and can help. Maybe he sees this opportunity to earn his mothers blessings and in turn hopes for Allah’s pleasure. I would advice the sister to not lose this opportunity to marry, be in love and start a family, even if you have to live with your mother in law. If your future husband took it upon himself to be around his mother, and be in her company, inshaAllah try to support him and show him that you care about his parents just like he cares about them, and Allah will reward you in your efforts. Yes, there will be areas of contention and areas to argue about and a few life changes you personally have to make with a elderly adult in the house, but that doesn’t mean you cannot make it work. InshaAllah you can make it work. That is the beauty of life….you will lose some arguments, you will win some arguments, and inshaAllah your future spouse will let you even win most arguments. ;) InshaAllah I hope you can grow and learn to manage and tolerate the cultural, economical and slight social status differences that exists between you and your future husband. To find peace, stability and tranquility in marriage lies in having Taqwa of Allah, and putting your trust in Allah, learning the rights and responsibilities of spouses in marriage if you have not already learnt about that, and having a positive outlook on life. Its going to be a new chapter in your life, your family circle is going to grow, and with an expanded circle come new issues and new challenges. Accept them and ask Allah to be your guide.

   May Allah give you a happy marriage and increase your Eman and piety with your future spouse. And may Allah protect you from fitnah and the whispers of shaytan and the shayaatin.

   Wa salaamu aleykum

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9. 

   Saf

   November 19, 2014 at 7:21 PM

   InshaAllah,sister you get to weigh the pros and cons proprly,because only you know your own personality,and that of your future MIL and future husband.The only advice I will give is that you can hope to change only yourself,for the better or worst, dont ever think you can change others in order to better your own life.People will change only if the change suits them.Men dont make sacrifices,MILs dont make sacrifices after their son is married.I can vouch for it from my own marriage.My 2 cents is that, if you can contribute financially to your household, then tell him u will rent or buy close to where his mother lives.That way she gets her space and her son’s time,and u get ur space and some time for urself.If he is unable to support u completely,then he is justified in asking u to adjust to his mother.But if u r willing to contribute to the income,then u do have a right in Islam to ask for ur own apartment.The Rasool(saw) gave each of his wives their own quarters.If he wants u to share resources with his mother,tell him ur mother is also entitled to the same.He is talking only from the perspective of his indian/paki culture,nothing islamic about living together under the same roof to serve his mother.I will even say,without his presence,talk to his mother about how will ur life be,ur rights on the house and finance,if u live together.My MIL is a party animal and wanted to keep the master bedroom,we had our first night together in the living room,and after that I went to live in my own aptment,with my dad’s money to help.And this small condo is my space,my right and it means a lot.So judge fairly,for urself too.

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10. 

    husna

    March 23, 2015 at 1:13 PM

    Sister, I would highly recommend that you rethink before you make your decision to marry him and ask Allah to grant you someone much much and much better than him. Don’t rush into marriage because of your age.. please! Put your tawakkal in Allah and believe in the power of dua and be patient. I just read this article and feel obligated to let you know how i feel in regards to this dilemma of yours. I’m also Indian and I was married to an Indian. I was married to him for year and a half and LIVED with him and my in-laws for less than 4 months and by the decree of Allah, my marriage is already over. Everything was perfect until i started living with them. Its important for us to take their religiosity into consideration but at same time, its also very important for us to give our privacy, emotions, and comfort their due rights. The fact that he’s so keen on his decision of keeping you and his mother in the same house is a big caveat for me. My ex. had told me the same thing before we were married and I agreed to his decision of living together with his parents. I lived with my in-laws and got no support from my ex. His mother use to manipulate him day and night, phone calls at work, anytime I’m not around, pettiest complaints, and i mean by any means necessary. All of that affected my relationship with him and he became so insensitive towards me. All of her complaints became his own complaints although we had absolutely no personal complaints form each other. And it’s important to note that I never ever opened my mouth or spoke back to his parents and he even knew that very well. It came to a point that he made me quit my job so i could keep his parents entertained at home (both in early 50s and stayed home all day) because “as a woman” that’s my duty. It got so stressful for me that I ended up at the hospital with a non-epileptic seizure. I came to my parents house after coming back from the hospital and within a week and a half, he sent a text to my parents that he’s divorcing me (which lead me to another hospitalization) and ever since then he never came back to see me or talk to any members of my family.

    Sad part about my experience is that he was also kind, prays five times a day, fasts, has fully grown beard, and people had good things to say about him. My marriage to him was solely on his religiosity and not at all based on his occupation (which is also very important to consider). But subhanAllah our eeman is never set on a scale, its always up and down.. Saytan and his parents got the best of him. He even refused to do the divorce in manner that Allah has commanded. People of knowledge advised him but he didn’t care. The point here is that when push comes to shove, people change. Sometimes they could care less about the hudood of Allah, nothing matters to them, and all the good manners goes out the window because they love their mothers so much and can’t see them unhappy.. In all honesty, it’s really lack of manhood, ego, and immaturity more than anything else. Indian/desi culture is pathetic in regards to marriage and responsibilities. It expects the women to be under the husband’s and the in-laws feet… it expects too much from us.

    I really hope you’ve found someone else by now and not married to him.. i don’t know you but your definitely in my dua because i don’t want you to experience what I’ve experienced. My divorce has shattered me in every way. I’m weeping as I’m writing this. I loved my husband to death… perhaps my love was blind, i wasn’t able to assess him beyond the love i had for him.

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    • 

      husna

      March 23, 2015 at 2:31 PM

      his decision to divorce me was because he realized that i wouldn’t be able to live with his family since my health started to take its tole on me… so the divorce was the best option for him because living separately from his family would’ve broke his ego.

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      • 

        Amina

        August 7, 2015 at 2:53 PM

        Walahi.
        Same story, I now exactly how you feel. You are in my duas xxx

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      • 

        Husna

        August 22, 2015 at 10:17 AM

        Dear Amina, you are in my dua as well… It’s amazing to know that despite not knowing each other we make dua for one another. May Allah preserve our sisterhood for His sake along. Love you for the sake of Allah. May Allah make our hardship come to an ease.. Ameen

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11. 

    Ali

    June 29, 2015 at 5:26 AM

    What does a man do when his wife and parents have conflicts and the parents use Islam as a factor as to why the son should support them? They can do this by stating ahadith and verses about status of parents, and mentioning how men have not been told to obey their wives but have been done so with respect to parents

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    • 

      Amina

      August 12, 2015 at 5:42 PM

      Amina
      Whatever the conflict, if what is being said or done is unjust then we should support what is just, right?
      We don’t have to obey our parent if their intention don’t support Islamic values.
      Allah comes before our parents, his covenant matters more, we have to uphold the teachings.
      We can get the message across to our parents kindly and respectfully, we don’t need to take side, we don’t need to be angry, we don’t need to say uff to our parents to get islams message across, and Islam encourages us to be just.

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    • 

      Husna

      August 22, 2015 at 10:08 AM

      Bro. Ali… One simple and secure rule of thumb is TO BE JUST! No need to compromise anyone’s right. Yes, it’s hard to balance but it’s not impossible. Your duty towards your parents is to obey them but this command of Allah isn’t at all absolute. You don’t have to obey them when they’re wrong and demand you to be unjust. There aren’t any ahadith or ayah in the Quran either that tells us to obey our parents only and disregard your wife’s concerns as a default. It’s a misunderstanding and shallow understanding of the deen. Prophet sallallahu ‘alayihi wasallam also said that “the best of you you are those who are best to their wives, and I’m the best of you to my wives.” So how do we reconcile these dilemmas??

      The point here is that Islam doesn’t commands us to be blind and oblivious when our parents tell us to obey them and only them. Your wife has rights that should not at all be compromised because of your parents and at the same time your parents have rights that should not at all be compromised because of your wife… And you have rights over yourself. So don’t kill yourself over it. Be fare and just to the best of your abilities. Be a man and draw a very fine line as a man of the house. Don’t let either party step over each other’s rights… Be kind and polite but let them all know where their boundaries are.

      Reply
12. 

    Saharish Arshad

    January 6, 2016 at 5:57 AM

    This topic is such a sensitive one, and quite near and dear to every woman’s heart. There are so many comments on this issue… whatever an individuals experience might be, its important to remember the nature of the relationship between spouses and conflict with mothers in law is really dependant on all three people involved. If the husband can give each their islamic due, if the mother and daughter in law can give each other and the common man in their lives his due, things can go smoothly. There are both good and bad stories. Whatever we do and choose to do I think its important to remember to keep our relationship with Allah in the forefront and our niyyah pure and sincere to Him. There is much that can be compromised without hurting ourselves in the long run, and love does win hearts.

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13. 

    MK

    May 23, 2017 at 8:42 AM

    Had it occurred to anyone that even with someone’s own parents (be a men or women) people become angry, frustrated and thought about them as invasive to your life, not judging you properly, or not giving you your rights of something? But you just don’t say that you don’t want to live with them or love them anymore or don’t want to see them? It is difficult but you still do it, right? unless you don’t want to listen to the verses of the Quran and numerous Prophetic hadiths?
    Isn’t it or shouldn’t it be the same thing with other parents (meaning in-laws) except that you do not have the same obligations prescribed by the Quran or hadith? But you spouse does, right? and there are many hadiths to respect the elders, right? So why not you understand the dynamics of the relation and try to get best out of it and have little patience! BTW, I am not talking about abusive relationship that goes physically or mentally but talking about little inconveniences that may arise.

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