What’s The Matter? | Postpartum or More?

Question:

Salams
I think I have postnatal depression as I’ve just had a baby 2 weeks ago and I’m extremely emotional, overwhelmed, teary and so lonely.

My husband does not understand and is getting cross that I’m not staying on top of my house chores and giving my other 2 children enough attention. He thinks I’m being lazy and when I try to explain I can’t control my feelings and feel a emotional wreck he blames me for being too emotional and says this is just a ‘modern day’ mother excuse to be lazy.

I feel awful and his insensitive words are depressing me even more to the extent I’m questioning if its just me who needs to get a grip or this is actually a problem. I don’t have anyone else to turn to except my husband and feel so let down.

Please help and advise me how I can get out of this dark pit and become mentally healthy and normal again. I have no on to talk to and I don’t wish to talk to my husband as I end up feeling worse due to his insensitive response. I cry all day and at night and feel guilty… because I feel guilty and worry that maybe I’m being ungrateful for my blessings and these feelings are from shaitan. Is feeling so negative and down a sign of ungratefulness? Weak iman?

Right now I feel like a failure…a bad mother…a bad wife and a bad Muslim for being ungrateful and lazy.

Please help me clarify my thinking.

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I’m so confused.

Jazaka Allahu Khair,

Postpartum or More?

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Answer:

Walaikum assalam wa Rahmatullah,

May Allah subḥānahu wa ta'āla (glorified and exalted be He) grant you strength and help you through this difficult time. Ameen.

You are so brave to reach out regarding this issue. So many mothers experience this but hesitate to seek help due to feelings of shame and guilt. You have nothing to feel guilty about and we are privileged to be able to offer a little bit of support at this difficult time.

Having a baby is life-changing- whether it is your first child or your tenth- and every birth is a different experience. It can be incredibly confusing to feel a sense that you “should be grateful” while still feeling miserable and being unable to push past these emotions. After taking the baby home, women often wonder, “How can I possibly take care of this tiny human being who is dependent on me for everything on top of all my other tasks? Plus, I hardly feel able to take care of myself right now!” It’s incredibly overwhelming.

We often hear the birth of a child described in picturesque terms. New mothers expect to feel “complete” and to feel as though “everything is suddenly right in the world” once their new baby is placed in their arms. This concept is very misleading and it causes mothers who experience normal anxiety and stress to feel inadequate and as though they are ungrateful for their children.

As hormones shift drastically after delivery, it’s absolutely normal to feel what is commonly known as the “baby blues” in the weeks following birth. Nearly 80% of women experience this within the first two weeks after giving birth. You may experience mood swings, anxiety, sadness, irritability, crying, decreased concentration and trouble sleeping. If after two weeks you are continuing to struggle and this interferes with your ability to care for your baby and handle other daily tasks, you may be suffering from postpartum depression. One in eight women suffer from this. Some symptoms of postpartum depression include:

  • Loss of appetite
  • Insomnia
  • Intense irritability and anger
  • Overwhelming fatigue
  • Loss of interest in sex
  • Lack of joy in life
  • Feelings of shame, guilt or inadequacy
  • Severe mood swings
  • Difficulty bonding with your baby
  • Withdrawal from family and friends
  • Thoughts of harming yourself or your baby

(Via Mayo Clinic)

There are a lot of reasons that this happens and none of these reasons include being ungrateful to Allah subḥānahu wa ta'āla (glorified and exalted be He) for blessing you with a child or suffering from weak imaan. Depression, postpartum depression and baby blues are all issues that are impacted by a variety of factors and there is no reason to feel guilty for these emotions since they are beyond your control. There are many examples of very righteous people in the history of our faith, including Prophets, who experienced feelings of sadness. Prophet Yaqub grieved for his son until his, “eyes became white with sorrow, and he fell into silent melancholy.” {Qur’aan 12:84} After the death of his child, Ibrahim, our beloved Prophet Muhammad ṣallallāhu 'alayhi wa sallam (peace and blessings of Allāh be upon him) held his son in his arms and said “The eyes send their tears and the heart is saddened, but we do not say anything except that which pleases our Lord. Indeed, O Ibrahim, we are bereaved by your departure from us.” This shows that feeling sadness does not mean that you are not strong in your faith in Allah subḥānahu wa ta'āla (glorified and exalted be He) since the most righteous who ever walked this earth also experienced this emotion.

After childbirth, your body endures a drastic drop in the hormones estrogen and progesterone. When we go through hormonal changes, our emotions also change and this may contribute to postpartum depression. You are also very likely sleep deprived as you have a newborn who wakes up every couple of hours. Feeling overwhelmed, anxious about balancing all of these new tasks along with caring for your other children, and feeling a lack of control over your emotions can also contribute to postpartum depression.

I know that it must be so hard to feel unsupported by your husband, particularly because you feel as though there is no one else to turn to right now. Now, when you need support more than ever, it can make you feel so lonely not to get it from the man you love so much. Oftentimes, people struggle to understand what is going on for someone else internally. Depression is not as visible as a cut, burn or broken leg and, therefore, can be difficult for some to grasp. However, after birth you have not only experienced an intense physical change but also an emotional and mental one. Therefore, you need as much support as possible. Show your husband some articles (from a credible source) regarding the causes of postpartum depression. Simply because this is “invisible” to others does not mean it doesn’t exist. It can be difficult for your husband to see you suffering like this and he may not know how to react. Perhaps denial that anything is wrong is the way he is currently coping with this change. Although he is currently struggling to be supportive, this does not mean he does not love you or care for you. Let him know that you understand that it is difficult for him to see you feeling emotional and give him concrete suggestions regarding ways that he can be supportive (i.e. make du’aa for you, validate your emotions, give you a hug, do an activity with the kids while you nap, etc.).

Also, please make sure that you speak with your doctor about your symptoms. If you are still feeling this way, it is very likely you have postpartum depression, which can be treated. Medication as well as therapy may be prescribed. It can make a world of difference to get treatment early to prevent the depression from deepening insha’Allah. Therapy as a component in treatment can be very helpful to allow you the opportunity to talk about your emotions without feeling judged. This is particularly important in your situation since you mentioned that you do not have anyone to confide in. Postpartum Support International (http://www.postpartum.net/) is also a great resource through which coordinators provide support, encouragement, and information about postpartum mood and anxiety disorders and can help you find resources in your community. If you experience the urge to hurt yourself or your baby (this can be a symptom of postpartum depression), make sure to place the baby in a safe spot and seek help immediately. You can call your local emergency services to ensure immediate assistance.

Remember that Allah subḥānahu wa ta'āla (glorified and exalted be He) chose you to be the mother of your children and there’s no one better for that role than you despite how you feel right now. Do not underestimate the power of du’aa. When you feel as though there is no one to turn to, turn to Him and pour out your sorrows. Allah subḥānahu wa ta'āla (glorified and exalted be He) created human beings with difficult emotions and, although this is a very hard test, He subḥānahu wa ta'āla (glorified and exalted be He) knows how strong you are and will never give you more than you can handle. Allah subḥānahu wa ta'āla (glorified and exalted be He) acknowledges the hardship mothers endure when He says, “And We have enjoined upon man, to his parents, good treatment. His mother carried him with hardship and gave birth to him with hardship, and his gestation and weaning [period] is thirty months. [He grows] until, when he reaches maturity and reaches [the age of] forty years, he says, “My Lord, enable me to be grateful for Your favor which You have bestowed upon me and upon my parents and to work righteousness of which You will approve and make righteous for me my offspring. Indeed, I have repented to You, and indeed, I am of the Muslims.” (Surah al-Ahqaf: 15)

May Allah subḥānahu wa ta'āla (glorified and exalted be He) grant you a full recovery from this struggle and reward you tremendously for all that you do for your family. Ameen.

 

You can read about one sisters struggle here in Six Stories Down: When It’s More Than Just The Baby Blues

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5 responses to “What’s The Matter? | Postpartum or More?”

  1. Aasia says:

    Subhanallah I went through a very similar experience and it really was one of the most difficult times of my life. My baby is 6 months old now and things are so much better between my husband and I. Its really important to be honest and sincere to your spouse and empathy is more than crucial. Learning to forgive has helped me move on. However, you do loose respect and only Allah knows the sacrifices of a mother. This experience enlightened me that I should only and only seek Allah’s approval in everything we do.Zero hope in this dunya and its people and relationships. Hazrat Aasia’s example has been a balm for me and may she be my companion in Paradise ameen. Nevertheless remembering the kindness and patience of husband is necessary to let go. Your own mistakes and character weaknesses reminds you you are not the only one who is having difficulty dealing with people. A few setbacks shouldn’t break a marriage.My husband is more understanding now and I can clearly see a huge difference in his attitude. His positive change has helped me to forgive but I will not forget because it keeps me grounded about the reality of this dunya and how it is a test and my relationship with Allah is the only thing that should determine my self worth. That is what Aasia cared for and for that she died. May Allah have immense mercy on her ameen.

  2. Zeba Khan says:

    Thanks for sharing this question, Postpartum, and thank you for answering it Sarah! Too many sisters are afraid that they are the only ones who are suffering, and if nothing else, it’s good to know that there is help and for lack of a better cliche- light at the end of the tunnel.

    Postpartum- May Allah make it easy for you, and grant you strength, Iman, a supportive husband, a walk in the sunshine, a full night’s rest and a nice, warm, LONG shower. Ameen. :)

  3. Thank you for this question, and for your thoughtful and loving answer Sarah. I posted it on our FB page for Postpartum Support International to share with others. https://www.facebook.com/PostpartumSupportInternational So helpful!

  4. Jazakallah khair for this answer, I really need it now! People always say when you’re pregnant and having a baby you should be elated. Trust me, for some moments having a baby and facing life changes at the same time can either be a blessings or a miniscule of hell. Finally you’ll understand why heaven lies under mother’s feet, Allah knows best the sacrifice value of mothers.

  5. Sima Rahman Amin says:

    Assalamu alaikum Sisters. I just had a baby myself 3.5 months back and I know exactly how you feel. Pregnancy and postpartum periods are lonely times and being able to have a heart to heart with another sister who has been through it all is very crucial. You can look up support groups in your area (online or otherwise). There are a few on Facebook as well. May Allah swt assist and guide you through these times. Ameen.

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