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What’s The Matter? | Married Man Attracted to Same Sex

Published

June 19, 2014

Question:

Dear MM,

I have been suffering from same sex attraction. I am a male and I find myself easily attracted to men. Its not that I don’t have any attraction towards women, but its not that high as I have towards men.

I have been married for the past 10 days and Alhamdulillah I find no difficulties yet in my relationship. I easily have sex with my wife and Allah helps me in it. But for years what troubles me is that I am never able to get myself over male attraction.

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Throughout years I made close male friends, and I used to seek brothers, especially elder brothers in them. This is still happening. I do have few close friends whom I call as elder brothers and they do treat me as a younger brother.

I am the only son of my parents with an older and younger sister. But since childhood I had relationship gap and many problems with my father. We don’t have a good understanding and do have many fights. I have always felt lonely and always craved to have an elder brother, with someone to share my feelings and to have a security and love of a father figure. While I made a few elder male friends whom I call brothers and they too respond me with an elder brothers care and love, I have this attraction towards men in general that I feel attracted towards the male chest hairs.

Now Alhamdulillah I am married, and Allah has blessed me so that I did not find any difficulty in my relationship with my wife. I sometimes feel that Allah will forgive me Insha Allah for my same sex orientation feelings, because although I try a lot I still fail to be attracted towards men; and sometimes I feel its actually my harsh childhood without a brother and with a harshly behaving father that has made me like this. Please guide me regarding my feelings and my attempts of finding brothers in friends and getting attached to them.

Jazaka Allahu Khair,

A Married Man

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Answer:

Bismillahir Rahmanir Raheem

May Allah guide you to the best course of action and reward you for all your efforts to please Allah (azzawajal). Based on the sexuality and sexual orientation research*, my understanding is that although a majority of men and woman may fall into “exclusively heterosexual” or “exclusively homosexual” categories there are also many who have a range of feelings that are not exclusive towards one gender or another. For example, just like yourself, some may have attraction towards men and some attraction towards women, while others may have a majority attraction towards women but also some attraction towards men.

In terms of your marriage I would suggest being sincere and honest with your wife. In many instances, especially in the beginning of marriage, it is very easy to have a healthy sexual relationship with your wife, but even for those who are exclusively heterosexual it can be difficult down the line with the advent of typical marital difficulties, external pressures, children etc. Your majority attraction towards men will add to this complex and delicate situation. If you maintain an open and honest relationship with your wife she will be more understanding of your situation, as well as not feel insecure about herself and her attractiveness should your sexual feelings for her wane. If she does not know about this part of you, perhaps disclosure in a therapy setting with the help of a therapist or counselor could be helpful. The more you work out in the beginning of your marriage, the less heartache you will experience later.

If you feel that your desires towards other men are due to the strained relationship between you and your father, I know this is not easy, but I would highly recommend in putting significant effort towards working on improving your relationship with your father. If the harsh childhood and difficult relationship with him has left a void in your heart, no matter how many relationships you have with other men (whether it is of an elder brotherly nature or sexual in nature) those relationships will never fill that void. Reconnecting with your father; however, may help to curb your appetite for seeking father figures in other men.

Your sexual feelings towards men may or may not change. Thus, I encourage you to remain introspective so that you can have an open and honest relationship with yourself, your father, your wife, and others around you, if you feel safe doing so. And of course continue making dua’a to Allah to help you through all of your difficult moments.

*http://www.kinseyinstitute.org/research/ak-hhscale.html

Further Reading: Dealing with Homosexual urges

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Afshana Haque, PhD, LMFT

Afshana Haque is currently the executive director of her private practice, Muslim Family Support and conducts face to face and online therapy from Houston, TX. She is also Assistant Professor of Marriage and Family Therapy at the University of Houston-Clear Lake. Afshana received her PhD from St. Mary’s University, San Antonio, TX . She has completed her master’s degree in Marriage and Family Therapy from University of Houston-Clear Lake and has previously worked in various hospitals and institutions including: DePelchin’s Children Center in Houston, TX, Methodist Hospital, and AIGB Diagnostics for a bariatric surgical group in San Anotonio, TX. She was also co-director of a non-profit organization, Hawa Center for Refugee Mental Health, now called the Center for Refugee Services. During her graduate career she had the privilege of being a part of the AAMFT Minority Fellowship Program and was granted over $50,000 in funding. This program provided her with rigorous training in therapy and research with minority families. Afshana has given platform and poster presentations at national and state conferences in her field. She has also presented at the Texas Dawah Convention, ISNA: Islam in America Conference, and was invited to give parenting workshops at ISGH NW Zone and Austin Peace Academy. Afshana’s research interests include exploring the challenges faced by Muslims in the American society, issues with acculturation and assimilation, raising children, incorporating the use of spirituality in family therapy, and most importantly formatting traditional therapy in ways that will be appealing to those who belong to collectivistic cultures in addition to those who view therapy as shameful. Her most recent research publications include: A Systematic Research Synthesis of Various Adaptive Strategies Utilized by Dual-Income Couples, and The Assessment of Marital Adjustment with Muslim Populations: A Reliability study of the Locke-Wallace Marital Adjustment Test when administered to the Muslim Population. She is also an apprentice editor of the Journal of Marital and Family therapy, the highest impact journal in the field of Marriage and Family Therapy.

18 Comments

Hyde

June 19, 2014 at 1:40 AM

Really Kinsey institute ???? How is that being sited ?

Reply
Ikbal

June 19, 2014 at 2:05 AM

Alfred Kinsey of the infamous Kinsey Institute had an underlying agenda of stripping away moral values concerning sex and modesty, starting in the 1950’s

It was part and parcel of the sexual revolution that came about in the 60’s

Alfred Kinsey also promoted homosexuality and pedophilia

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RVwbVRNwm6s

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UVC-1d5ib50

And Allah knows best

Reply
- Ikbal
  
  June 19, 2014 at 2:07 AM
  
  Also….lets not forget this
  
  http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Alfred_Kinsey#Controversial_aspects
  
  Reply
harley

June 19, 2014 at 8:23 AM

I don’t think he should tell his wife.

Reply
- Bilkis
  
  June 19, 2014 at 9:07 PM
  
  Yes, he should never tell his wife. Very bad idea.
  
  Reply
solitaybird

June 19, 2014 at 11:00 AM

Very good, sympathetic response!

(But the Kinsey scale, while also being inaccurate… where does it place asexuals who have no sexual attraction whatsoever… is quite controversial due to its creator’s methods as others have stated).

Reply
Fritz

June 19, 2014 at 7:07 PM

Telling the wife? seriously? Seek some counselling perhaps but that could be a total disaster….

Reply
Unsolicited advice

June 19, 2014 at 8:00 PM

Research has found that majority of the women find photos of female breasts arousing. If you think about it, we humans have an enormous capacity to enjoy and be aroused by a huge range of different things. Same gender, innocent tiny babies, hurting your partner or pretending to (BDSM culture)… even animals! Isn’t that incredible? We are all humans, the sons and daughters of the common parents Adam and Eve! Even though each one of us have the ‘capacity’ to do so much with the same body, the test in this Duniya is in the limits Allah has placed, so that we can enjoy a clean life. I think, the first step is to stop obsessing about your past and linking that to your current attractions to males, and know that it happens to other people too. I think much of it is in allowing your brain to think in a certain way. You may not find a way to stop it, but you will have to find a way to deal with it.

I also think telling your wife may backfire… But telling at least 1 trusted brother may help, so that he can save you from situations that you find difficult to deal with. But wives are different… if she enjoys physical intimacy with you, you confiding into her may destroy her self-esteem and she may not be able to get back the same enjoyment. Then you will have another struggle to deal with!

May Allah make things easy for you.

Reply
- Unsolicited advice
  
  June 19, 2014 at 8:07 PM
  
  Another thing, Allah the Most Merciful won’t ask us about the sudden urges we have, but He will hold us accountable if we dwell upon them or act upon them. Alhamdulillah you have not acted upon them. You just have to ensure that you don’t dwell upon them or derive pleasure from them. Also, please remember, Allah is Most Merciful, there is no sin that He can’t forgive. It is a sin to even think that He won’t forgive… may Allah never let you loose hope in Him.
  
  Reply
Bilkis

June 19, 2014 at 9:06 PM

SubhanaAllah! May the almighty Allah bring you relief from this attraction. Keep praying to Allah and never give up. As for talking to your wife about it, please don’t. It’s a bad idea to talk to anyone at all except a muslim therapist.

Reply
Talib

June 19, 2014 at 10:30 PM

Bismillah irRahman irRaheem

The above is a great response. I encourage you to research the matter from a psychological and scientific perspective. It is an incredibly deep subject that is not a surface problem with easy solutions. What you are undergoing requires courage, love and grace above all.

It is important that you nurture and attend to your wife’s heart. After this is all resolved, the most important thing will be did you do what love required you to do? Did you treat her fairly, attend to her needs, and support her growth and relationship with Allah SWT?

You will find many opinions but no one fully knows how to navigate this issue no matter how much they say they know. It is a matter of maturity, challenge, growth and love and Allah SWT causes to grow what He wills.

It is possible to heal your missing LOVE from your father and brothers. Allah SWT will bring this to you. It is a need. Yet, this will not mean that you will not have to go deeper into worship to fully get resolution and that is the spiritual responsibility. If Allah SWT pleases, he may reveal to you the mystery of this desire and his plan for this desire. And it is only Allah SWT that can reveal and bring resolution. And exalted is He from what can be associated with his will and his plan.

He is Ever Kind and Merciful. Do not be afraid and ask for shelter from cowardice regularly. Ask for the discernment to distinguish between the plan of Allah SWT and the prejudices and ignorance of men. Guard your heart and your soul and the heart and soul of your wife.

May Allah’s love be upon you. May Allah’s mercy be upon you. May Allah guide you to the path of being forever pleased with you, the Most Kind, the Most Generous.

Reply
Anisa

June 20, 2014 at 2:28 PM

DO NOT tell your wife! If you want to set up your marriage for fail, tell her but if you want to have a good marriage, then hide this from her! Telling her will make her having doubts over everything. Telling her will most probably have the result of having your thoughts known in the community. Most probably she won’t be able to keep that for herself and herself only, especially as a young bride. May you find in your wife that will make you rest.

Reply
saudj

June 20, 2014 at 4:12 PM

i agree with the others… telling the wife is a Bad idea. killing the relationship before its even started. i mean how will the wife feel… you just got married and then bam. if i was in her position i would think… why didn’t you tell me this before we got married or u should not have not got married in the first place.

if my wife told me when we first got married that she is attracted to women as well as me id think its a wind up. I’m not sure where sister Afshana is coming from here….

Reply
Zaid Mohammad (@Zaid_m95)

June 20, 2014 at 5:04 PM

My two cents, first of all, don’t tell your wife, that’s not necessarily. Just like we don’t tell our wives how much we’re attracted to other women, you don’t need to tell your wife this, it’ll only ruin the good relationship with her. Remember that having homosexual thoughts and tendencies are not a sin, so the fact that you may desire men is not a sin. Acting upon them is a sin. The only real advice for you is to work on your relationship with Allah(swt), get closer through prayer and dua. Continue struggling and be best friends with your wife. Seeking a therapist or any of that sort for this situation is not a good idea, you don’t need someone who will be sympathetic to muslim values, and your struggle is a test from Allah(swt).

May Allah(swt) help you and have mercy.

Reply
- Zaid Mohammad (@Zaid_m95)
  
  June 20, 2014 at 5:05 PM
  
  who will not be sympathetic***
  
  Reply
umabdullah

June 22, 2014 at 5:53 PM

Unbelievable advice. Subhanallah. I can’t believe Muslim matters published this.

Reply
Alpha Bundu

July 23, 2015 at 5:25 AM

i do believe that; if you put all your effort(100%) you will feel less about male; pray, fast a lot and read quran; when you feeling increase. Avoid non family male companies; keep companies only with family male; it might help, if you put all in practice. It normal to feel for male or female; it not under your control but God’s! but it up to you to act on it; then there come the crime. filling it! is not the crime but acting on it is.

Reply
KOski

October 23, 2015 at 10:45 PM

Same sex attraction comes from one’s problems with same sex genders, be it from their own family (father, brothers) or same sex peers. I found a website that can help you. It’s not islamic, there are some christian perspective, so just take the science aspects (medicine and psychology) and leave the christian aspects.

https://unhappygay.wordpress.com/

Reply