Marriage

Picking up the Pieces: The Love-Drug Syndrome and Dealing With Lost Love

Published

January 25, 2011

Hira Amin

By Hira Amin

Love is a powerful, compelling emotion. It can make you laugh and it can make you cry. It can lift you up to the clouds and it can hurl you into an abyss. One of the dilemmas Muslims face, especially Muslim sisters, is the situation in which they get to know a prospective spouse and for some reason it does not work out.

This article is not discussing the fiqh behind getting to know your prospective spouse, as it is common for a couple to have a few “halaal” meetings and still fall deeply in love. Rather, this article deals with how to get over someone and moving on after the falling in love stage. After you have decided that this person is the one for you and then due to circumstances – be it parents, finances, etc., the two of you cannot get married. Insha Allah this article will be a guide on how to get over that person and move on with your life.

Step 1: Accepting Allah’s Qadr

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This has got to be one of the toughest tests of qadr. Love muddles your mind and when all you see are the good characteristics of someone it is difficult to see why it is not working out, especially if this is your first real love. How can this brother who is practicing his deen, has a nice beard, soft and caring be wrong for me? How can this sister who is attractive, fun and religious not be my perfect partner?

The key concept to remember here is: you do not know someone until you have lived with them for a substantial time. Even that person does not know what they are like and how they will react in certain situations. Just because you have these elated feelings of love does not necessarily mean this is the right person. Marriage is a struggle and people develop themselves and change with the experience. Only Allah knows your compatibility, only Allah knows what situations you will face and your reactions. Only Allah knows whether or not this marriage will bring you closer to Him or distract you from the real purpose in life. It is only Allah who knows. Have trust in Allah that He has made the right choice for you. For no matter how much this person claims their love for you or vice versa, know that no one can love you as much as Allah.

So firstly, make dua to Allah to ease your pain and help you be content with His qadr. The following is my favorite Hadith regarding qadr as it really fills you with the awe of Allah and His infinite wisdom.

“Allah `azza wa jall said: ‘Verily, from amongst My slaves is he whose faith cannot be rectified except by being inflicted with poverty, and were I to enrich him, it would surely corrupt him. Verily, from amongst My slaves is he whose faith cannot be rectified except by wealth and affluence, and were I to deprive him, it would surely corrupt him. Verily, from amongst My slaves is he whose faith cannot be rectified except by good health, and were I to make him sick, it would surely corrupt him. Verily, from amongst My slaves is he whose faith cannot be rectified except by disease and illness, and were I to make him healthy, it would surely corrupt him. Verily, from amongst My slaves is he who seeks worship by a certain act but I prevent that from him so that self-amazement does not enter his heart. Certainly, I run the affairs of My slaves by My Knowledge of what is in their hearts. Certainly, I am the All-Knower, All-Aware’.” [Tabarani]

Step 2: Awareness of the love-drug syndrome

An interesting study was conducted comparing drug users to people who claimed to be “madly in love”. They found that brain scans showed people who are in the first stages of love and people who are high on cocaine have the same areas of the brain stimulated while looking at a picture of their “beloved”. In other words, being in the first stage of love is similar to being high on drugs! With drugs, you are not in love with the powder itself – you are in love with the feelings that it gives you.

Similarly, the thing that we love is the special attention, the butterflies in the stomach, the acknowledgment that someone cares about us in a special way, looks at us in a special way, thinks about us in a special way – the constant day dreaming about the future and daily scenarios. So it is not that this person is perfect, it is that this person allows us to feel all these emotions which are addictive. In reality we are not in love with the person, we are in love with Love itself.

Being in love with Love explains how some people overlook major faults in their prospective spouse. I knew a practicing sister who wanted to marry someone who had a drug and alcohol problem. This was because in both cases these “faults” were discovered during the first butterfly phase of love and not before. Alhamdulilah, by the qadr of Allah the marriage did not take place, but it was due to circumstances, not because the sister had realised that they were not a suited match.

Awareness of this love-drug syndrome has two major benefits. Firstly, awareness is power and it breeds hope. Once you are aware that it is the feelings you are attached to, realise you can actually get them elsewhere.

These feelings are not specific to this one person; you will get these feelings with your new, more suitable prospective partner – the one that Allah will put into your life at the right time insha Allah. Love clouds your mind and makes you think that you will not find this strong love and passion with anyone else. But this is simply not true. You will find this love to be even stronger and more passionate with the right person (the one that is written for you in the Lahw al Mahfooz).

The second benefit is knowing that just like a drug-user naturally has withdrawal symptoms when they stop, you too will naturally have withdrawal symptoms, and it will be difficult. Getting over someone is emotionally painful so don’t be too hard on yourself, validate your feelings and allow yourself time to heal. Know that this is common – nearly everyone goes through heartache at some point in their lives, and eventually recover with time.

As a side point: It is not a sin to fall in love; it is a natural emotion which the human species depends on! If you did sin in the process then repent to Allah, He is the Most Forgiving, Most Merciful. Love is a powerful emotion, which is why there are boundaries in Islam. If you have fallen outside those boundaries, repent and move on.

Step 3: Be proactive

Allow yourself time but also get proactive! Marriage is just one of the many aspects of your life; it is not the be all and end all of things. What are your aspirations? What do you want to achieve in your life? Write down a list of goals you want to achieve by the end of the month and get started on them right away. As Muslims, our continuous goal is striving to get closer to Allah, so working on your eman and your relationship with Allah must be included in some way. Focus your attention on moving forward rather than wasting time with something that “could have been”.

Step 4: Move on

In the spirit of being proactive, the last stage is to actively open your heart and mind to someone else. This could be difficult, as naturally comparisons will creep in, but again realise the fact that it has not worked out means that Allah has someone better suited for you. As illustrated in the famous Hadith of the birds:

“If you depend on Allah with due reliance, He would certainly give you provision as He gives it the birds who go forth hungry in the morning and return with a full belly at dusk.” [Tirmidhi]

Allah will provide for you but you have to get up and get moving again. Just like the birds, go out and seek. Make the effort on your part and leave the rest to Allah and His infinite wisdom.

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Hira Amin

Hira Amin is a British muslimah of Pakistani descent. Despite originally being a mathematics graduate, after a few years inside the corporate world, she decided to change paths drastically to studying history. She completed her Masters in the History of International Relations and is currently undertaking her PhD at the University of Cambridge. Her focus areas are South Asian Muslims and their migration to the UK, Islam’s interaction with Western imperialism and modernity, feminism and 20th century international history.

54 Comments

abu Abdullah

January 25, 2011 at 12:13 AM

Thank you MM. Subahan Allah, Suhaibwebb.com (In law interference, Being Thankful and divorce under duress) and MM (this some what relevant article) are writing excellent reminders to cope up with a similar tragedy in my personal life. Jazak Allah khayr

I remember last exactly one year ago, when we lost our baby ( a still birth, inna lillahi wa inna ilayhi rajioon) first email next morning was Muhammad Al Shareef’s lecture, Mama I am waiting for you in Jannah. It tried to heal some of the wounds the mother of Abdullah, our son.

Guys be grateful to Allaah that he gave you patient wives that put up with you. Respect your in laws even if you do not like them. Take so many things ( read crap ) from you. Learn to say Sorry and Thank you at proper times and mean it, when you say ‘ I love you’ to your spouse with some action. take reminder from my example and be Grateful.

I am not drawing any comparison except to learn that Allaah gave me many many opportunities, which I failed to realize and lost my loved one. Hope people forgive each other. may Allaah have mercy on Umm Abdullah and reunite us inshallah. Allahumma ameen.

Reply
- Memsaab Gidhoogo
  
  January 27, 2011 at 12:30 PM
  
  May Allah ease your pain.
  
  Reply
- Lipz
  
  July 11, 2014 at 11:40 AM
  
  I just separated from my husband we still have not divorced i know thats the only option we have left but i cant get myself to let him go i love him very much but we just want diffenrent things now he wants to stay living with his mum and i want my own home which he is not willing to do for the sake of our marriage i left his home due to an argument i didnt think it would get to the point where we would be divorcing i tried to save our marriage for the sake of our daughter! Didnt realise how hard it is to let someone go please make dua for me to have sabr.
  
  Reply
Ibrahim Shareef

January 25, 2011 at 12:47 AM

About that study you mentioned (the one about cocaine users), could you link me to an article about it? I’m interested and I want to read more about it. Jazakallah khair.

Reply
- Hira
  
  January 25, 2011 at 2:50 PM
  
  Salaam- the study was taken from the book “Why men want sex and women need love” By Allan and Barbara Pease. It says in the book that the study was by English neurobiologists Andreas Bartels and Semir Zeki of University College London in 2002. Maybe you can google it to find the original paper.
  jzk
  
  Reply
Anonymous Abdullah

January 25, 2011 at 2:06 AM

What if the person were to be a colleague with who you just have to interact? Has marrying someone else helped in getting over that feeling (when there’s not been any Haram relationship as such)?

Reply
- Hira
  
  January 25, 2011 at 9:44 AM
  
  Salaam
  
  Jazak Allah khair for your comment. I think finding someone else definitely helps you to move on. Sometimes I think its the case of boredom or the need to direct this energy towards someone and your “ex” always comes to mind as that was the most recent.
  
  Reply
- heart abdullah
  
  February 23, 2011 at 1:29 PM
  
  To me no if you love someone getting marry to some else wont help those feelings you have for that other person.
  
  Reply
sonia siddiqua

January 25, 2011 at 6:38 AM

Asslamualikum

JAZAKALLAHUKHAIRAN for this wonderful article many of our youth do suffer with this.
The hadith in the article,”verily from…..” is it sahih?please confirm thanx

Reply
- Dwight Schrute
  
  January 25, 2011 at 7:06 AM
  
  [Edited]
  
  Reply
  - Bushra
    
    January 25, 2011 at 7:59 AM
    
    I agree with this article in that individuals should not be trusted when it comes to picking their suitors. That goes especially for the women. Their minds are often clouded with their emotions. Hence, falling in love with a cocaine user. They have to listen to their Father, Mother and the rest of the community, the religious ones.
    
    I could call completely and utterly sexist for that comment. But I won’t. I do believe, however, that this rule doesn’t apply to women, but men too. I have seen men who are so blinded by their ‘love’ that they declare that they will leave their parents for this girl if he is not allowed to marry her. There is no ‘especially women’ or ‘especially men’ here. Men are just as susceptible to falling irrationally in love with women who have drug problems – and I don’t mean just coke addicts, but say, a woman addicted to medically prescribed drugs.
    
    Women may be more emotional, but men suffer from infatuation which is equally as bad as having a mind that is ’emotionally clouded’.
    Also, sometimes parents are irrational in their choice of spouses for their children. But that’s a conversation best left for another day.
    
    Even if it is not the truth, it is better safe than sorry.
    
    Islam does not allow lies to be spread, even if it is supposed to be a deterrent. And what you are advocating is clearly slander. If you were to commit slander against a celebrity, you’d be sued for millions, but if you commit slander in Islam, you’re incurring the wrath of Allah(swt) as Surah al-Humaza will tell us:
    
    Woe to every slanderer and backbiter.
    
    This is a major, major sin. Therefore, I would refrain from suggesting such things if I was you.
    
    Let the impure men take the filthy Christian and Jewish women as their wives.
    
    It is that attitude that causes bad interfaith discourse. Muslim men are allowed to marry CHASTE and PRACTICING Christian and Jewish women. It is, of course, preferable to marry a Muslim woman, but a marriage between a Muslim man and Christian or Jewish woman is Islamically valid.
    
    Youths are always rebellious, so itâ€™s important to back them up against the wall and not allow them any breathing space. Keep the pressure, always. Donâ€™t allow breathing space for the haram. Just keep blasting away at them. Thatâ€™s the best way to educate.
    
    I respectfully disagree, as will many other people here who are parents. By treating the youth in this way, not only are you alienating them from yourself, but also from Islam. Do remember that in the case of everything NOT related to worship, everything is halal unless proven haraam. Therefore think before you are harsh with the youth.
    
    And Allah knows best.
    
    Reply
    - Sabour Al-Kandari
      
      January 25, 2011 at 5:08 PM
      
      Relax Sister it’s a trick, the audacity of his statements and his name’s reference to a character who does the same leads me to believe he’s a trolling you lol.
      
      Trolling can mean a lot of things, but for this case it’s intentionally poking at people for fun to get the desired annoyed response and frustrate people into writing long replies.
      
      Reply
abu abdullah

January 25, 2011 at 6:57 AM

Salam.
Unfortunately during courtship our relations are not based on Islaamic principles/ Unlike a job interview where a candidate prefers to study hard and makes his/her resume good and apply for the dream job and finally ends up not getting it so the company or the candidate, don’t have anything against each other so that he/she can apply again. In case of marriages, once a person has proposed to a family and subahan Allah if the proposal is rejected at any stage of courtship or if marriage breaks ( like in laws stealing your wife), the relation between the two families becomes bitter so much so that they don’t want to see each other and they don’t want to talk to each other, as if they are following the isolated sunnah of prophet sal Allahu alayhi wa sallam when he refused to have habashi around ( even after accepting Islam) who killed his dear Uncle in Uhud,.

Should’nt we manage our expectations to remain happy. Shouldnt we have them only with Allaah?

Reply
loveSICK

January 25, 2011 at 7:01 AM

this is a good write. Liked it.

This is my story.
I was a not-so-religious guy though I come from a religious family. That was when I had to go to a far place for my studies. There I happened to undergo many changes. I started going to masjid for prayers, first it was just the compulsory ones then I started praying nawafils too. I was so much into philosophizing things and viewed everything in life with a very different perspective. Whenever i used to write, I had always given importance to all sorts of Love in life. I had always been in search of true Love. My nearing to Allah made me ask Him to show me my true Love. That’s when a girl whom I knew came to my head. I just had met her once, but had contacts. And all my interactions with her never gave me any idea that she is gonna be the girl. I even had my intuition praying, Oh Lord, not this girl, she’s very beautiful and can’t be mine. But things went that way. I even remember my (kinda quarrel)argument with a christian bro about Allah answering my prayer to show me my true Love. It was just the beginning of an enormous change in me. I cud keep away from all the bad habits I had. I didn’t drink or smoke. But being a youth in this ruined world, I could never control my glances. And Some bad habits followed these glances. I had tried and failed in controlling these habits. But this answer had it all. I became a very good man. I used to do good deeds and many more nawafils and all. I never had plans to present my Love. But she read me and then on we’d never talked and heard from many other sources that she was not interested at all. All the affection she showed were brotherly. All of a sudden I had a feeling of being lost. My bad habits are surging in again… I’m trying my best… I do keep the habits of praying… but still, I can’t convince myself that the answer I got wasn’t from Allah.

I really fear, I would go back to the bad person I used to be. I fear, the whole word of changes I made is shattering.

pray for me…

Reply
- Dwight Schrute
  
  January 25, 2011 at 7:10 AM
  
  [Edited]
  
  Reply
  - loveSICK
    
    January 25, 2011 at 8:03 AM
    
    My eman might have been weak.
    In a place like that of ours in India, marriage webs is the last preference.
    I even now believe, my knowledge that she’s the one and my talking with her had nothing haram in it. I’d never crossed my religious bounds. If Islam means to boost our eman and keep us away from common sexual mistakes through marriage, I believe I was almost at the right door. I kept myself away from all those. I never used to meet her. Just had some texts and some phone calls. So nothing like haram in it. Everything I got was religiously good. My belief and eman was all developing.
    
    and btw it’s not time yet for me to marry. I need to look after all my loved ones, and for that I need a job first. I’m still a student of 24 yeras of age.
    And just because a girl is in my mind, if I cud keep away from all mistakes and wait for my marriage peacefully and boost my eman, that’s indeed better than not having anyone in mind and unknowingly getting addicted to mistakes and getting enslaved by them. Right?
    
    Allah knows the best…. Alhamdu lillah for guiding me to the right path.
    
    Reply
    - Bushra
      
      January 25, 2011 at 8:41 AM
      
      Also, before posting such a story online, keep in mind that the admins of this site can track your IP, just like mine. Your story sounds stupid and hilarious. Youâ€™re running a very high risk of turning your â€œheartbreakâ€ into community news, so I would keep my emotions under control if I were you.
      
      Brother Dwight, please assume the best of MM admins. We are Muslims, and therefore we endeavour to keep everyone’s secrets whoever these people are.
      
      Secondly, this story is not ‘stupid and hilarious’. It is quite a commonplace occurrence all over the world.
      
      Thirdly, I have been observing your comments on this post. Please keep your words kind and gentle for good manners are a part of good imaan. The Prophet (saw) always had the best of manners, therefore we should try to follow his example as best as possible.
      
      Reply
- loveSICK
  
  January 25, 2011 at 9:04 AM
  
  Thank you sister Bushra and brother Dwight for the comments…
  
  Also, before posting such a story online, keep in mind that the admins of this site can track your IP, just like mine. Your story sounds stupid and hilarious. Youâ€™re running a very high risk of turning your â€œheartbreakâ€ into community news, so I would keep my emotions under control if I were you. Next time, just talk to your parents and let them find you a girl. Or, again, go use one of those marriage websites and find your pure match. You will never get any benefit from the haram.
  
  And brother Dwight, I didn’t expect such a comment from you. All Muslims are brothers and sisters. So they are to help each other. And my story may sound stupid and hilarious for you… but not for me bro. I’m really down with this.
  
  Reply
  - Hira
    
    January 25, 2011 at 10:04 AM
    
    Salaam
    
    Your story is not hilarious at all, it is very common. It was exactly what I was thinking when I wrote this article. So many times in lectures during open Q&A, the shaykh gets asked the question “I have a broken heart and now my eman is just plummeting” as all your thoughts are consumed by that person rather than Allah.
    
    I think you have got it into your head that this girl was “the one” because of your dua. But the very fact that you are not together means that she was not “the one” and someone else out there is better suited insha Allah. Allah put her in your life for a reason, she was a test of your faith and insha Allah through this test you will emerge a stronger muslim.
    
    You say you are not ready for marriage, so work on accepting Allah’s qadr and setting small goals for yourself and achieving them like the nafl prayers you used to do.
    
    ws
    
    Reply
    - loveSICK
      
      January 25, 2011 at 11:01 AM
      
      Wa alaikum salaam wa rahmathullah.
      
      Thank you sister Hira.
      And we’re not together now… but can’t it be that we can be together later in life, I mean after some years, as we are not yet socially old enough to marry?
      My thoughts are not consumed by her instead of Allah and that, we in good terms had positive results like, she and I stared praying Fajr on time and Thahajjud some nights. I used to wake her up for night prayers, by giving missed calls.
      I believed in the power of prayer and one day this belief was enforced by a miracle in my life, when the Khateeb recited the aayath “Wa iza sa’laka ibadee annee fa innee qareebun ujeebu da’wath ad-ddha’ee………….” I just wanted to know which surah it was from. I asked the Khateeb and he said, he was not definite but believe it’s probably from the second juz’. I just went and fetched a qur’an with English meaning and opened it… for my astonishment the aayath was the first one in the opened page. The translation and a related Hadith made tears flow down my eyes.
      
      From there on I had been asking Allah… So how can be something that appeared in my prayer be wrong??? I can’t convince this myself. My consciousness was always against any relationship with this girl. Still, things were this way.
      even after this heartbreak, I pray to Allah for uniting us. But I fear, this would cause my imaan to disintegrate.. I’m trying not to… Pray for me…
      
      Jazakallah
      
      Reply
      - Hira
        
        January 25, 2011 at 11:38 AM
        
        Have you tried asking her again? Sometimes women like the chase! She might reconsider after seeing your enthusiasm??
      - loveSICK
        
        January 25, 2011 at 12:19 PM
        
        No… I’ve not… But I’ve tried convincing her sister and a friend of her cuz she had asked me to stop all contacts after she knew it. All of them are convinced about it… They get mad convincing me the other way… at last what happened is, both of them have almost stopped talikin to me…
        I never had planned to say her my feelings from the fear of losin her and my plan was to ask her parents once I’m in to a job… She had read it, and one day, all of a sudden asked me to stop all contacts… exactly 2 months for today since we stopped talking… :(
      - loveSICK
        
        January 25, 2011 at 12:22 PM
        
        Insha Allah… I pray, and wish that she did reconsider me…. I’ve seriously talked about this to my Mom and she had agreed to my plans… It was then all of a sudden she had doubts in the way I talk to her..
- Asiys
  
  December 30, 2016 at 10:55 AM
  
  Allahu akbar may allah help you, and give you a patient to pass this test ameen
  
  Reply
abu abdullah

January 25, 2011 at 7:10 AM

Jazak Allah khayr for the article. barak Allah feek.

Love, something over rated by Christians, as AE Nia’matullah puts it. I remember YQ hafidhahullah teaching this during LuL in VA that arabic has 60 different words for Love alone. Arabic has many words for the love, indicating different degrees. Hubb, Wudda, Teen, Shagafa, Ishq ( this is the one mentioned & compared with cocaine thing in this article, right?)

But the word ‘ishq’ (bollywood?) already means, an extreme kind of love and Islaam does prohibit anything extreme, on either sides. I am sure the natural love that sprouts from a mother to son/daughter ( Wudda ) and husband/wife is Wudda. It is natural to have but need not be over emphasized as marriages do work on mercy alone. And they work fine, if we manage expectations and be Grateful to Allaah.

In fact Prophet sal Allahu alayhi wa sallam taught us to ask for the ( hubba) love of Allaah. (Amatullah’s dua series here has that dua in detail with explanations, mashallah)

Shagafa was the state of lustful love, Yousuf’s landlady had for him. Its disliked of course.

ps anyone here could explain meaning of Teen, as in arabic word for a degree of love. jazak Allah khayr.
wassalam.

Reply
Reader

January 25, 2011 at 8:16 AM

Dwight: Are you for real? You must be joking. Wish there was a “Report Abuse” button on these comments.

Reply
Yasir Qadhi

January 25, 2011 at 8:41 AM

Great article, ma sha Allah!

I recently gave a class to a group of teenagers in my local masjid in Memphis, where this same message was given, “A person in love is more in love with love than with the person they think they’re in love with.” This primarily applies to the early stages of love – once a person has been married, the situation (hopefully!) becomes more permanent.

It is only within a marriage that true love can flourish and exist. That is why Allah mentions love within the context of marriage as being from His miracles – it is only there that the real miracle of love is truly seen.

Sadly, most teenagers (boys and girls) won’t understand this reality until they have been through a few love-cycles, and until they actually get married. Until that happens, we hope and pray that they remain firm and within the bounds of the religion!

Yasir

Reply
- Bushra
  
  January 25, 2011 at 8:43 AM
  
  Jazakallahu khair for that insight!
  
  Where is the ‘Like’ button when you need it??!
  
  Reply
  - Masuma
    
    January 25, 2011 at 10:20 AM
    
    “Love/Ishq is the Opium of the of the Masses”
    
    Reply
Masuma

January 25, 2011 at 10:21 AM

Fantastic Article

Reply
The Muslim Voice

January 25, 2011 at 11:17 AM

Jazakullah khair for the article! MashAllah it was a really nice read and in fact love struck was the issue I was discussing this week with my local Youth Group inshAllah. I really thought it was funny when as I was finishing the post on the bottom I saw the half our deen ad by Br . Baba ali that said Serious about getting married..I found it ironic lol =)

Reply
- Hira
  
  January 25, 2011 at 11:32 AM
  
  Yes, subhanallah I found it funny too…perfect advertisement for moving on and finding someone else! lol ;)
  
  Reply
Sabour Al-Kandari

January 25, 2011 at 3:14 PM

Mash’Allah excellent article.

Pretty cool that I was just thinking through these same points recently for err..uhh.. no reason in particular lol.

But yeah it’s pretty important to be super aware of the judgment-clouding during the meeting phases. A lot of times brothers/sisters are very eager to get married, sort of get overwhelmed by the opposite gender and turn down the logical filters (she just SWORE at you – ahh it’s all good).

And dealing with these issues at a personal or counseling level requires a lot of emotional-intelligence. Just as with drug-addictions logic isn’t always enough.
(Observation, probability, therefore conclusion < this feeling won't go away!)

Reply
Ummi

January 26, 2011 at 9:23 AM

This article is welcome for those who have loved and lost.

But in response to some of the statements… let us remember hadith that the best thing for those who love each other is marriage.

The prophet saws acknowledged there is love before marriage, and he (saws) did not put it down as sickness, addiction, weakness, fake, etc. — he said best thing is to marry each other.

Those of us who might be tempted to prevent marriage of those in love by putting up artificial barriers, being contemptuous of love, etc. need to check ourselves. I’ve seen a mom fighting to prevent her son’s marriage plans — and saying she would be okay with the marriage if the woman was prettier!

We must respect the strong pull of halal pre-marriage love, even if we do not understand it. People are not interchangeable. They are unique. They are not puppets or pieces on a chess board that other people can move around at will. If a man loves a particular woman, she accepts his proposal, messing with it is messing with fire.

(I’m not talking about loss due to tragedy, or lack of mutuality in the love, or other legitimate prevention of marriage — article is a big help in these cases)

Reply
Cheryfa MacAulay Jamal

January 27, 2011 at 12:56 PM

Assalamu Alaikum wa Rahmatullahi wa Barakatoh,

I don’t think one’s level of Iman is reflected in whether or not one finds themself in this situation. Everyone of us will be tested in this life. Some of us will be tested in this arena.

Whether you “fall in love” with someone you work closely with, a fellow student, your doctor, someone who posts where you post, someone who helped you during a crisis, or someone your parents refused for marriage, it is kind of irrelevant. The problem remains… what do you do?

If you can’t marry this person, you MUST cut all contact with them. Even if you have to switch classes, change jobs or move away from a neighbor. It is only through cutting contact that you are able to maintain your hayah, and fight your nafs.

It is an incredibly powerful force drawing you away from the pleasure of Allah when you find yourself caught in this test. There is no winning this except by submission to Allah and removing yourself from the difficulty.

It is like an allergy. Everytime you are exposed to this person, you break out in fitna. You do and say stupid things, you daydream about future possibilities, you hope and fuss and cry all over again. And to what avail?

Treat this as the illness it is. Avoid all exposure to that which you are allergic. It’s much easier and less painful than the medicine.

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- Hira
  
  January 28, 2011 at 4:41 AM
  
  Salaam, I totally agree with you-finding yourself in this test does not mean you iman is weak, but how you deal with it determines the level of your iman. Cutting off all ties is difficult but the quickest and most effective method. The problem lies when all communication is cut off but your mind is still hung up on that person which prevents you from moving forward in life.
  
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  - Cheryfa MacAulay Jamal
    
    January 30, 2011 at 6:47 AM
    
    Salaam Hira,
    
    You make a valid point, it does take a long time for this to leave you in peace. It can actually take up to two years to ease off, even with the contact severed.
    
    It does depend on your Iman at this point. You must trust in Allah to bring you ease after difficulty. Neuropathways have been created from the chemical bath your brain was floating in during the acute stage of infatuation. It takes time for those nerves to become dormant due to lack of use. But that’s the key! Don’t stimulate them by continually thinking about that person.
    
    It’s not the fault of the person in love that this happens (not always, depending on how they got in that position). Allah will not judge us on the test, but on our actions in regard to it.
    
    Patience and dua are the weapons of this fitna.
    
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Cheryfa MacAulay Jamal

January 27, 2011 at 1:37 PM

p.s.

I am assuming that everyone realises I am talking about falling in love with someone whom one cannot marry.

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Cheryfa MacAulay Jamal

January 27, 2011 at 1:56 PM

Assalamu Alaikum wa Rahmatullahi wa Barakatoh,

Sisters, we DO need more protection and obey our parents in marriage choices. It is their right to protect us and our duty to respect them.

We are overwhelmed by emotion, we are created that way for a reason. We must be able to love beyond the worst tests and tribulations to keep our families stable and safe.

A mother must love her children so much she is willing to die for them (and stay up all night, and go hungry, and run through fire if necessary).

A daughter must serve her elderly family members with compassion and patience, when they are as helpless as newborns and in need of the same constant care.

A wife must be able to be patient with her husband, even when he is wrong. She must love her family enough to carry the weight if he dies or is imprisoned or abandons her.

With this extraordinary strength comes weakness. Our parents are best suited to hold us up in our weakness. Never reject the barakah of Allah, never reject your parents’ rights.

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Hana ahmed

January 28, 2011 at 6:18 PM

Dwight schrute, after reading your comments, I can understand why you would choose to be known as “Dwight schrute.””

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traumatized

January 28, 2011 at 8:12 PM

great article!!

i was rejected by his family due to incompatible family status and background. it doesnt hurt me enough as i expect it would happen. what really hurt me alot was the way he dump me like i hve no pride after giving me hope tht everythig will going to be alright. i accepted him for his eeman n taqwa hoping tht he can bring me closer to our deen.. but things happen. Alhamdulillah He showed me his true color. I’m not perfect thou. It really takes me much to forgive him. Even after trying hard, all those nasty words just wont want get out of my head.

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- Michael Scott
  
  June 18, 2011 at 2:28 PM
  
  his true colors revealed! I am happy for you sister that you are free from this evil person.
  
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Secrecy

January 29, 2011 at 6:25 PM

Salaam,

Great article mashaAllah.

I read this article and I learnt:

1. It made my refusal to get attached to a guy before marriage stronger – standard. May Allah protect me and others, aameen. I think in the meeting phase you need to have a balance, know that it will happen, as this is what you hope – hence feel some type of attraction, but understand that it may not (and this is where you keep your distance) in emotions and actions.
2. Love before marriage is not real, it’s just lust – real loves comes after marriage once you know who you’re dealing with, and real care and concern comes.
3. SubhanAllah, I think sometimes (lol, I guess MOST of the time) love is overrated, for sure it’s great and it does happen, but we should learn lessons from others and keep it real.

Remember your WORTH IT – So don’t allow yourselves to fall, rather if you’re going to hope in someone for true happiness, then hope in Allah, as He is the only person who will never displease you :)

wAllahu ta’alaa ‘alem.

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- Secrecy
  
  January 30, 2011 at 6:22 AM
  
  Edit – Should be: Remember your WORTH IT â€“ So donâ€™t allow yourselves to fall, rather if youâ€™re going to hope in someone for true happiness, then hope in Allah, as He is the only One who will never displease you.
  
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Umm Hamza

January 31, 2011 at 6:50 PM

Assaalaamu A’alaykum waRahamatullahi waBaraakatuh.

Sister Hira,

I just want to say Jazaaki Allah Khyran for this wonderful article. SubhanALLAH this article really help alot especially with people who had heart break. Alhamduillah I went throgh alot with my Consumate Marriage and with Allah wills I got divorced. But I still have the eman inside me that It Allah Qadar and Allah is the one who knows what the best. I just want to say the best thing to help you heal is to know that everything happen is by the Qadar of ALLAH and being patience it make you very strong. I know how hard to go back and am still working on to get heal, but being closer to ALLAH, it help alot. I know that Allah is testing me and every muslim who is going through hardship, they will have easeship after it. I have the eman that every person who is going through hardship and being closer to Allah, Allah will always give them easeship. With the people who had heart broken or got divorced, you have to know that Allah will give you someone better or might get back with the person you loved but later ,after he test you.

Jazaakum ALLAH Khyran.

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NS

February 3, 2011 at 6:38 AM

I fell for someone last winter, reason being I had never seen someone religiously committed like him and he thought the same about me but things didn’t work out and I had to go through my extreme’heartache’ phase but Allaah had something sweetest for me in it.My pain drew me closer to Him Almighty,I made duas and asked Allaah sincerely to keep me steadfast and I started loving Him alot,more than anything in this world.I found the way out of this distress and I’m a totally different person now,I do charity work,dawah work,take care of my grandparents,try to love people for the sake of Allaah, and feel so much happiness inside me.Alhumdulillaah.You just need to move on and focus on other important things in life.

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Jamshed

February 3, 2011 at 8:04 AM

I don’t tend to jump on band-wagons, but in this case I think an exception is well warranted. I just want to echo the majority of the comments, and say masha’Allah, this is a very well written article, and having been unfortunate enough to go through the cycle, I can vouch that this is definitely the best advice, alhumdulillah.

One thing in particular that struck a cord with me was “Even that person does not know what they are like and how they will react in certain situations.” I think this is something that people who’ve never been married before need to think about very carefully, it’s a life-changing experience and people usually emerge as completely different people (insha’Allah, for the better).

Well done Hira, your credit is well due :)

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Tahira

April 6, 2011 at 4:58 PM

The only problem I have with this article is the suggestion at the end that we simply “move on” and find someone else. Living in the west, this isn’t always possible, especially for muslim girls who meet so very few muslim men. If a muslim woman is older, and hasn’t had many proposals, then moving on to the next one isn’t always a reality.

The article gives an artificial happy ending to heartbreak. I myself have only been “in love” once, and that was when i was nearing 40. I did not have proposals before, and despite my best efforts have not had proposals since. Moving on to someone else is not the answer.

Please, abandon the Islamic fairy tale that there is a spouse for all muslims. There are so many muslim women over the age of 35 who are not, and who never will, get married.

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Hyde

September 4, 2013 at 6:27 PM

As Dr. Richards once said “You can’t always get what you want, but if you try sometimes, you’ll find what you need”

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Ana Al Hindi: (Indian Muslim)

September 28, 2013 at 6:27 AM

May Allah(swt) reward you for your inspiring words. Aameen

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Ihsan Hussain K

November 15, 2013 at 5:52 AM

assalam alaikum wa rahmathullah wa barakathuh.

i really liked this article. masha Allaah. butt???? only step 1???? werz the rest?? im really curiousnto read ….. or is it bcoz i cant find… thn pls do help me.
jazakAllaah

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- Hira Amin
  
  November 15, 2013 at 4:32 PM
  
  Salaam – jazak Allah Khair for pointing out the glitch. It should be working now. :)
  
  Reply
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Riaz Khan

September 12, 2018 at 3:25 AM

Your Sermon is just based on assumptions, while ignoring the Various Islamic Quotations and powerful effects of DUA (Pray). Your whole Sermon is further increaing our depression and sadness, as it has no solution for the problem. You just want to put the problem under the carpet. You are saying that leave your Dua in this regard and just use your brain by accepting the verdict. The Question is still there that why ALLAH does not give us the person we love ?? If you say ALLAH will give us a better person and was preventing us from the bad’ associated with that person, then let me ask that why ALLAH does not associate all the Good for us in the person whom we love ?? Why? It’s very disappointing and sad to hear from you that in the JANNAH, our mind will be made such that we will forget our beloved , whom we used to love on earth. Again I will ask that instead of doing this why ALLAH just does not unite us with the person in Jannat, whom we loved on earth ?? Why ALLAH is doing all this with us ?? WHY ?? And still He is telling us to pray………… Pray from me ,I will give you all. ALLAH says my Love for humans is equal to the love of 7O moms… And still HE does not associate all the good for us with the person whom we love ?? strange!! WHYYYYYY ??

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