MuslimMatters.org Discourses in the Intellectual Traditions, Political Situation, and Social Ethics of Muslim Life
“I'm just calling to let you know I'm not Muslim anymore,” the woman said to me after I picked up the phone, “and I'm cutting off contact with all Muslims except you.”
This was one of the most difficult conversations I've ever had.
My heart ached for this woman; I knew her story all too well.
I had been in the “frontline” with her as she tried to find her place in the Muslim community, and repeatedly failed. masjid after masjid, community after community, yet so few were willing to assist her in securing a roof over her head and food each night; and she had been just eighteen years old at the time she was repeatedly turned away.
She had accepted Islam in a small Northern town when she was still in high school, got kicked out of school because she wore hijab, and moved to the D.C. metropolitan area with nothing but her name, her faith in Allāh, and her knowledge that a “strong Muslim community” was there to receive her…
“We don't discriminate against anyone,” the masjid administrator said with pride. Other board members chimed in from time to time. “Sister so-and-so teaches kindergarten, Sister so-and-so works in the daycare, and Brother so-and-so…”
I sat speechless as I listened to them list the commitment of about five “comfortable, happy, dedicated” Americans who worked at their Muslim school or who were regular participants in the community. I felt like I was listening to a Southern self-proclaimed anti-racist in the 1950s tell me their “black folk were happy”, proof being that Black folk smiled at them each day and always “without protest” used the separate Jim Crow facilities.
What made the board's proclamations so heartbreaking was that they actually believed themselves.
I tried another approach: I mentioned how even non-Muslim communities and schools set up multicultural awareness programs and offered cultural sensitivity training and—
“That's from jahiliyyah (ignorant of the guidance from God),” a board member said before I could finish speaking.
What?
Though I was deeply offended, I gathered my composure enough to remind myself why I was there.
It was then that I realized I could use this moment to make them understand my point. After all, even word choice created cultural barriers. And since I knew how much brotherhood and sisterhood meant to them, I expressed how their words made me feel as if they were putting up a wall between us.
“And your words make me feel as if you are putting up a wall…”
Little did the board know, I had not called this meeting on my own account; days before, several community members (a multiracial group of mostly converts to Islam) felt I could meet with the board as a “last resort” to help the community. They'd imagined that my good standing in the community would allow the board to hear the concerns with open hearts and ears…
“If you ever have any more concerns,” a board member said as she followed me to the door (The meeting ended once it was clear we were getting nowhere), “feel free to come talk to us at any time.” She wore a broad smile that exuded warmth and kindness. “We're always open to suggestions.” She placed a hand on my shoulder. “And please know we love you like a sister…”
I tried not to break into sobs right then…
“Were you at Jumu'ah last Friday?” a masjid board member said to another. “Ohhh, it was so beautiful. A young American girl took her shahaadah. We were all in tears…”
It was only by the mercy of Allāh that after the apostate woman and I talked for some time, she decided to come back to Islam. But she remained discontented and distant from the Muslim community after that.
However, her story is actually a rare one. Apostates generally don't give Muslims phone calls to say “I'm through.” But nearly all apostates give Muslims warning calls before they leave…
The first warning call is quite unambiguous: They ask for help—literally.
How can I learn to pray?
What activities are there in the community?
What do I need to know as a new Muslim?
Do I have to cover?
What do I tell my parents?
Is it true that Islam teaches such-and-such?
Given the popularity of da'wah (inviting to Islam) programs in masjids across America, it's quite shocking that so few have after-the-da'wah programs. Unfortunately, convincing a non-Muslim to accept Islam is the “end of the journey” in most Masjids…while this moment is just the beginning for the one who accepts Islam.
Too many Masjids are content with providing teary-eyed after-Jumu'ah entertainment for the soft-hearted congregation more than they are concerned with providing a helping hand to the one evoking tears in Muslims' eyes. I suppose we can't get enough of hearing that heartfelt “I bear witness…” echoed through the microphone…
But where do all these new shahaadahs (Muslims converts) go after that tearful Jumu'ah?
…One of them gave me a call once to let me know.
My suggestion to any Muslim who wants to help stop the revolving door of “Muslim today, apostate tomorrow” is to get a survival kit—one for yourself and one for the struggling Muslim you meet.
Here's what your survival kit should contain:
- A three-sentence instruction guide that essentially reads: “Forget getting the support of the masjid or 'model Muslim community' you're so fond up, and just roll up your sleeves. You're on your own in this one, I'm afraid. If you have plenty of spare time and are not prone to bouts of laryngitis, then set up a weekly or monthly meeting to share with them your concerns and suggestions.”
- A merciful, patient, determined heart. This is going to be your lifeline during this project. How so? …Well, start the project, and bi'idhnillaah (God willing), you'll see.
- Thick skin. Ever heard the saying “You asked for it”? Well, if you ask new or struggling Muslims their needs and concerns, be prepared to actually hear what they have to say. These Muslims have a lot on their minds and hearts, and it's not always pretty. The good news is that if they're talking to you, then most likely they actually want to keep their emaan (faith).
- A prayer mat and several supplications from the Qur'an and Sunnah. (Prayer and du‘ā’ for your own soul and steadfastness upon Islam will be indispensable every step of the way.)
- Some really balanced, knowledgeable Muslim friends. (You'll be needing lots of advice and support yourself.)
Here's what their survival kit should contain:
- A one-sentence instruction sheet that essentially reads: “Forget getting the support of other Muslims, and just focus on getting the guidance and support of Allāh.”
- A “back to the basics” approach to holding on to your Islam. This means you focus on primarily three things during your “recovery period”: studying Tawheed (the Oneness of Allāh), establishing regular prayer (with sincerity and concentration), and reading Qur'an (in your native language and, if possible, in Arabic too).
- A prayer mat and a few supplications from the Qur'an and Sunnah. (Prayer and du‘ā’ for guidance and steadfastness upon Islam will be indispensable during this time—and at every stage of life.)
- Willingness to, if you have doubts or questions, ask… not just any Muslim, but one you feel you can trust. (Unfortunately, not all Muslims are understanding or honest).
- The realization that this internal “fight for spiritual survival” is a lifelong process that will never end until you meet Allāh. (But the good news is this: It does get easier if you persevere.)
If we keep these “survival kits” on hand and actually use them, perhaps we can help someone on the verge of leaving Islam. Then maybe one day we'll pick up our phone and hear: “I'm just calling to let you know I'm still Muslim. Thank you for helping me realize I made the right choice.”
And when we get all teary-eyed at hearing this heartfelt testimony, we'll know we didn't abandon the one who evoked the tears.
Umm Zakiyyah is the internationally acclaimed author of the If I Should Speak trilogy and the novels Realities of Submission and Hearts We Lost. To learn more about the author, visit themuslimauthor.com or join her Facebook page.
Jazakallah khair for discussing this very important topic and emphasizing that we need to support new Muslims long after they take their shahadah!
jazakAllah.
Two years back this very issue was bothering me. There were a few reversions in a span of two weeks. One such person was a 52 year old man, former employee in some engineering firm from Dubai. He was jobless, homeless at the time of embracing islam. Initially the one through whom the man gave shahada sponsored him with INR 5000.
Then there was this young guy, 17 years old. His family not only disowned him but also bashed him. He was sleeping on the streets with emaan as his bed.
We had a meeting. Nothing concrete came out of it.
The whereabouts of these two guys is unknown now.
Now, I’m not vocal in my dawah. I’m focused on making money. Dawah needs money. A lot of money.
Jazakh’Allah for this. As a revert of 20 years, I’ve seen various attempts to integrate new Muslims into communities with varying degrees of success. One thing that seemed to help was assigning new reverts a mentor that would partner with them for at least the next year, possibly longer. This gave the new revert somebody to go to Eid prayers with, a family to spend Ramadan with, etc.
What’s missing is a need to address the long-standing issues within the Muslim community which are taboos to discuss… like Aisha’s age at marriage, Qur’an sanctioned domestic violence (4:34), women’s rights in Muslim countries, etc. Reverts are not shy about asking these questions, and an answer like “we don’t question the Prophet’s character” or some such thing really doesn’t work for people who came to Islam by questioning. :)
You made me cry! So many times I have very nearly walked away from Islam. And here I am, one year completed as a new Muslimah! The Muslim community of the born-Muslims really need to wake up! Us new Muslims are scared and nervous and shy and have NO CLUE what is going on! We just entered into a faith that is being attacked daily and we entered it purely because Allah wanted this for us. So if we could love Allah enough to take this leap, how hard is it for the born-Muslims to hop over and help us?
Astaghfirullah… I may not be the best Muslimah in the world, but I am doing my best to make sure newer Muslims than I receive more help and love than I received after their shahadah. Inshallah.
Unfortunately this is an issue, like many others, which our community just shoves under the carpet and doesnt even want to acknowledge
I m fully agree with u in this issue Ummzakiyya ,this is a dish earting reality ,which we don’t realize willingly or unwillingly, but we should do something about it and the best u mentioned is “our survival kit” to deal with those newcomer Muslims who are but a newborns who need our shoulder to reach to the maturity of truly-safe-religon.
Great article, Mashallah. Thank you Umm Zakiyyah for this timely advice.
Salaam. This is second article you wrote on somewhat similar issue. For some reason I find it uncomfortable that you talk about ex-muslims in quite favorable term. The crappy muslims that did not do enough to keep someone muslims are still muslims at the end of day. A person who leaves islam because some muslims did not help him/her, perhaps is more concerned about acts of other muslims than his/her own actions.
Secondly, was there a reason to associate people’s actions with racism rather than them being just not good enough to help others? Did they help shelter white convert but refused black convert?
Wa alaikum salaam,
While it’s true that someone who rejects Islam does it on his/her own terms and will be held accountable for it themselves, that doesn’t absolve other Muslims (including the crappy ones) from being concerned about this issue. We will still get questioned and be held accountable for how we treated Muslims with doubts, who then went on to reject Islam partly out of our treatment of them. It’s similar to how parents aren’t held accountable for whether or not their child rejects Islam later in life, but they are held accountable for how they treated them growing up, how much they helped them through their problems, and how much they taught them about the Deen. So I believe it’s important to bring issues like this up, instead of ignoring them.
Yes, muslims (or anyone of that matter) are responsible for their actions, if they act in a way not befitting a muslim, they would be answerable for their actions.
Similarly people who convert to islam and then leave are responsible for their own actions. They should not be portrayed in a way that sends a message that they would go into heaven because they did nothing wrong.
mashallah, this sure hits home. I ran into a sister I have known for twenty years in the grocery store today. She let me know that she wasn’t quite sure if she would call herself a Muslim anymore. So disillusioned with the behavior of Muslims, the hypocrisy and the lack of empathy for others, she had decided that she would just believe in God and worship on her own, without a label. This broke my heart, this is a kind, caring, sister. She is married to a Muslim who is well known and active in our community. Most of those in our community throw back the excuse that those who have doubts “don’t really have Islam in their heart”, that those who question or complain have “weak Islam”. I have often wondered how much an who will bear some of the responsibility for those who have fallen off the path over the years. Surely there is a good reason why we are advised to care for the converts. It seems that our community loves to celebrate the shahada of a new Muslim as some kind of proof or accomplishment of their own “rightness” but are unwilling to do much beyond instructing as to what they believe the duties and rules are.
Being a crappy Muslim is easy when you’ve been one all your life or for a long time and all your friends, family and people in the community accept you as a crappy Muslim. In fact its probably difficult for a crappy Muslim not to be Muslim. Being a convert you often have to go it alone. Family are un-supportive, friends leave you or you leave them because of their un-islamic ways. You feel the whole community looks at you with hatred or suspicion. You have rejected what is the norm and are no longer accepted as American or British. In the masjid you are not bengali, arab, pakistani, somali etc and so are an outsider and often treated like one. So you are left to struggle alone to learn your new religion. Feeling that it is a huge task that involves a complete change in the way you live and act. When meeting other Muslims you get criticisms about the way you do things (often conflicting with what you have been told before) which knocks your confidence. New Muslims often go through a period of feeling completely inadequate and depressed that they are unable to transform themselves into the ideal perfect Muslim and there is no one there to tell them it takes time to change, you don’t need to be the perfect Muslim from day one, even crappy Muslims who have been Muslim all their lives are still trying to reach that goal. The result is the feeling that Islam is too difficult, they are not able to be a good Muslim, they still believe in God but being Muslim makes even the smallest problems more difficult and complicated. They feel it is therefore not possible for them to do Islam justice, to please their creator, to be a good Muslim. Don’t forget also the heavy weight of shaytans whispering. I think most of the ex-Muslims still believe in one God but don’t believe Islam is a way of life they can achieve and live with any element of peace and happiness.
http://www.suhaibwebb.com/islam-studies/islam-101/misconceptions/8-things-you-should-understand-about-converts/
This is an excellent article on some of the issues the majority of converts have to deal with.
Jazakillah ul khair sister for bringing up this important issue. I believe that so long as masajids/Islamic centers are unwilling to deeply look into these issues, that it would have to be up to us individual Muslims, who have the obligation and determination to help others, to help both converts and weak Muslims. And that’s a good point sister Naomi mentions about the difference between a crappy Muslim and new Muslim full of doubts. I believe for those of us really wanting to help out the community, should set up informal networks between ourselves, separate but connected to a masjid, where all Muslims (both reverts and born-Muslims) can find a safe space to discuss and learn about Islam as much as they can and to work to help each other out at the time of need.
Jazakillahu khairan for the article. Chicago has some great convert support programs. See the link for more info:
http://ccchicago.wordpress.com/
JAZIKALLAHU KHAIRAN UZ, may Allah make us better Muslims and make us all firm on the right path. I hope you get to read your mails.
mashaAllah, this is a very important piece. I would like to mention that there is a great online mentoring community for female converts, thanks to a project started by Anse (Teacher) Tamara Gray, who is herself a convert and is now a scholar of Islam.
Project Lina is designed to address the needs and issues of female converts. This workshop, designed specifically for female converts, will be held in several states over the next few months inshaAllah, starting with Michigan, inshaAllah :)
The workshop focuses on 3 core principles:
Know Yourself
Declare Independence
Tend Your Ties
A “Lina” is a palm tree with deep roots that bears fruit. Anse Tamara Gray’s biography, from Rabata.org:
Tamara L. Gray, born 1966 in Minneapolis Minnesota, became a Muslim when she was eighteen. At nineteen she married a Syrian-American student and over the next eight years, she completed her BA in political science and a Masters in Education, had two daughters and visited Damascus where she yearned to seek formal Islamic knowledge. When the family moved to Syria she studied the Prophet’s sira with the professor whose book she would later help translate and studied the Islamic subjects of hadith, tafsir, fiqh, aqidah and others as well as receiving an ijazah (certificate) in Qur’an and tajwid. The seventeen years she has spent in Syria have witnessed the birth of her son, acquisition of fluency in Arabic, several full-time jobs in international and renowned private schools, the co-authoring of English ESL programs, running many teacher training workshops, but most importantly her work in dawah.
To find out more, please see: http://www.facebook.com/RabataRetreats – you can write to ask for more information and how to receive mentoring and help (all free).
by the way, you can request to have this travelling workshop visit a community near you; Anse Tamara also has online classes that can be attended by converts and any Muslim sister, and they will find someone with whom they can really identify easily and speak their mind, be open about their needs and questions, and get real answers, support, and comfort.
Please support this noble effort to reach out to converts. Share with others and make dua for its success.
JazakumAllah alf khair
Hassan mentioned, “They should not be portrayed in a way that sends a message that they would go into heaven because they did nothing wrong”. I read the article twice to find this “portrayed” message to exists in her article and did not find one. In our present day, who goes to heaven or hell is not revealed to anyone that includes ex-muslims. BTW…”how do we know crappy muslims are either muslims or not at the end of the day !”
There are characteristics of hypocrisy among muslims who are in a state of denial, have the sickness of discriminating based on color and are unaware. Discrimination based on color is a real problem among muslim community. It’s a sickness not absent across different cultures. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Discrimination_based_on_skin_color.
Here’s a personal experience, I’ll never forget. Ayaah School in Birmingham, al. some years back ran a matrimonial service ad where brothers & sisters anonymously fill in a profile & interest questionnaire. This sheet of paper gets put on a public information board. In practically all cases, “desi / Arabs” added “Caucasian, American” in their ethnic category of choice including their own (arab/ indian/ pakistani). There was at least one muslim moron who unashamedly inked in “no blacks” in the list above.
It is unfortunate that Muslims in America are so very discriminatory in the way they speak, act, etc. Perhaps this is something unavoidable because Muslim communities are so diverse. Or perhaps it’s because Muslims tend to be quite arrogant in their own way, especially immigrant Muslims. Anyway, we can’t complain of discrimination from others while we practice it so freely and openly in our own Muslim communities. I’ve seen too many masjids that are run by one ethnic group, Turkish, Pakistani, Somali, etc., where other groups are clearly not welcome, or they are welcome at a most superficial level. I’ve also witnessed discrimination and superiority-affirming tactics by even extremely practising Muslim women. women that have perfect hijab, beautiful manners and even pray qiyaam. Yet their behavior with other ethnic groups is often lacking. Perhaps mine is too. This is unfortunate. A masjid and Muslim community must be open and welcoming to all, regardless of color/ethnicity/nationality/SES etc. On a different note: We can’t blame people for their personal preferences in marriage. Attraction and preference is part of a person’s personality. I know a dark-skinned woman who is married to a fair-skinned man. He was not attracted to women with fair skin and was bored with the blue eyes he saw everywhere in his family. She mentioned that her husband specifically refused to marry any of the Bosnian and Turkish ladies in his community. He wanted only a woman with dark skin and also dark eyes. Can you say this man is discriminatory and berate him? Certainly not. But we should try our very best not to let these preferences dictate how we behave within our communities, starting at a personal level – ourselves.
I too suffer with non-support from ‘born’ Muslims. I will not gove up, and will learn on my own. InshaAllah..
dearest Lisa
i feel for you. please accept my support – via Dua…(asking Allah to support you…)
and I recommend you try to access the Lina Program for convert women, run by a convert woman who is now a scholar of Islam, and understands the unique struggles of converts and is wonderfully warm, supportive, funny, kind, and cool…she is so American, it’s heartening, and so Muslim ! amazing to see how she has been able to maintain her natural identity while breathing, living, sharing Islam in such an organice, confident, informed and sure manner. Alhamdulilah…
Dearest Lisa,
May Allah keep you firm on HIS path always, Ameen. Please let me know what city you reside in, if it is Houston, insha Allah we can meet.
Ghazala
Warm salams, dear Lisa. (That was my name before I was incorrectly told that I HAD to change my name.) I’m a Muslim sister and 12th generation American. I wasn’t born a Muslim, and in my 35 years as a Muslim, I’ve personally witnessed the most incredible and sometimes even despicable and deplorable behavior from ‘born’ Muslims. I can only imagine what you’ve gone through/are still going through. Please feel free to contact me. My shoulders are wide, alhamdu Lillah. :-)
Wow… This post stirred some pretty raw feelings. In the interest of fairness, I must also add that I’ve enjoyed sharing some of the most intensely happy moments of my life with ‘born’ Muslims. In the end, we are all humans – we are all sinners. We have our agendas and our frailties. May Allah enable us to get beyond these shortcomings and enable us to encourage goodness, insha’ Allah.
Whatever you call yourself, Muslim, apostate, Atheist, God loves you anyway. Why bother ? Live and let live.