Some Advice for Muslim Husbands on Giving Your Wife a Break

A few months back, I wrote about a chili recipe I cooked during my week of “maternity leave.” I spent that time cooking, cleaning, and looking after my elder two children while my wife recovered and took care of our new daughter, Taymiyyah.

Before her birth, I was pretty much a “hands-off” dad – diapers, babysitting, feeding, and cleaning up after them was taken care of primarily by my wife.  And since they didn’t like leaving her side, it was easy for me to say, “See, if I take them, they’ll just cry, so you keep them.” About the only time I’d take them was when the signs of a nervous breakdown were apparent on my wife’s face.

I had an epiphany of sorts after walking a week in her shoes – I was practically placing her in a position of involuntary slavery. It was simply too much, with a 4 year old, a 2 year old, and now a newborn. After some thought, I realized my contribution as a husband and father had been inadequate, and change was in order – here are a few I made:

1.  Time Blocks

Each part of my daily schedule is sliced and allocated for certain categories of my life, so activities related to that time block happen there and there only. In the evening after maghrib (maybe after asr as days become longer), I now have a block of time allocated to spend with my kids (they always want to play PS3 or rough house). I’ve also told my wife to take this time off to do her own thing, whether that’s being alone or hanging out with us.

From what she’s told me as well as the feedback she’s received from other sisters, many of them are starved for personal time away from the kids. My suggestion for brothers is to work out a scheduled time for this to happen with their wives, rather than waiting for them to meltdown.

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2.  Diaper Changing and Other Chores

I have a confession. I hate changing diapers, but I can handle it, and most other chores. As I mentioned earlier, I used to leave all the cleaning for my wife (though I was one of those rare guys raised by his mom to know how to clean the whole home) as well as the diaper changing, but I’ve since changed my ways. I help out with everything as time allows, including the diaper changing.

I know, I know, I’m outing a lot of us saying this, but do we take one part of the religion and leave another? Or more accurately, do we emphasize on some of the sunan and leave others? I definitely was. The Prophet was in the service of his family, and none of us can claim we were more busy than him.

3.  Family Outings

Another area I was able to improve was family outings. I previously left it to my wife to feed the kids and would only get involved if I thought the next words out of her mouth would be, “HULK SMASH KIDS AND HUSBAND!” Same thing with events at the masjid or classes with gender segregation – leave ’em to mom.

These days, I look for opportunities to help out. If the kids are clinging too much to my wife, I’ll make the effort to entice or convince them away from her so they’ll stay with me. When my son is eating (my eldest daughter eats on her own now), I’ll feed him and allow my wife to eat first.

About the only time I’ll leave the kids with my wife is if I’m in a masjid in which the presence of children elicits drama queen-like responses from the community.  In masjids where kids are not only tolerated, but welcomed (even if they walk around during salah), I’m happy to take my kids.

Concluding Thoughts

That’s the direction I’m heading in my own journey of fatherhood/ husbandhood.  It’s not a straightforward topic, but I thought I’d share some strategies I’ve used successfully to relieve the daily stresses my wife faces with the children. I’m under the impression this is an issue for many married sisters, so if it is, please chime in and offer your own thoughts. And any brothers who know better in this, please offer your strategies as well =)

113 / View Comments

113 responses to “Some Advice for Muslim Husbands on Giving Your Wife a Break”

  1. MashaAllah says:

    As-salaamualaikum Siraaj,

    I had a feeling that you had written this just from looking at the title.
    Truly a lady’s man mashaAllah.

    May Allah make you the best husband and the best father for your family.

    Just hope next time your article won’t be about sticthing quilts! (jk)

  2. Kaminari Ninjah says:

    As Salaam wa Alaikum – very interesting topic- I think this has to become a very important thing in our life – specially specially specially for men – I always try to help my mom at home – not because she is my mother but because I know that only a fool can be so foolish to leave so much of hassanat. IF I read the Quran : do good deeds – I try to implement it to my life and first to myself learning some duaas for my prayer and then helping at home – and now where there is so much snow in the streets here in Germany I decided to buy an snow shovel to make the way free of snow and dangerous glazed frost – very simple things – but In Sha Allah very heavy.

    So I really liked the article keep spreading more from that –

  3. Naeem Azam says:

    Assalaamu alaykum.
    Some excellent advice.
    Thank you.
    Naeem Azam
    London, England

  4. Nor Azman Abdollah says:

    Assalamuallaikum,

    Sometime a man difficult to throw his egos

    Thanks,
    Nor Azman
    Johor Malaysia

  5. UmA says:

    Wow I was amazed that this is not the norm, alhamdulillah my husband and I always split the care of the kids at Islamic conferences and halaqahs when they were little.

    Now we are at the point where I can take 3 of them to actually attend the next seminar and he’ll have just the one to take care of, in sha Allah!

    We are also very fortunate in that my husband has regular working hours. I know many moms whose husbands either have shift work (whether as doctors or truck drivers) or even work out of town. I have great admiration for these moms.

    • Bushra says:

      If your husband is a doctor and he manages to do a rotation in Paediatrics, he may even pick up tips on how to change nappies/diapers and pick up a baby carefully ;-)

  6. Amatullah says:

    really nice article and advice mashaAllah.

    may Allah reward you akhi, something more men need to do inshaAllah.

  7. ummabdullah says:

    When we first had a kid, my hubby had no clue as to how to help lol. He did contribute alot to changing diapers mash’alah cuz that was a seroius life change for us: having a kid mash’allah.

    Now with two, he knows what to do. If I go out shopping, he’ll feed ’em, change ’em, bathe ’em whatever. He’s well trained :-)

    I think the husbands should help so that the wife doesnt lose her mind. and its not that hard.
    and you’ll get pay offs. a wife who is happy and in a good mood.

    • Siraaj says:

      I think the husbands should help so that the wife doesnt lose her mind. and its not that hard.
      and you’ll get pay offs. a wife who is happy and in a good mood.

      Excellent advice. Should be obvious, but I think a lot of us are under the impression if we return home from a hard day’s work with a paycheck in hand, we’ve done our duty.

      Siraaj

  8. Muslimah says:

    Salam Alaikum br Siraaj,

    Scary to say but, before I even looked at the name on the article I knew it was you that wrote this piece.. May Allah increase your love for your deen and family, ameen.

    I wish more brothers would read this and take action. I know some men that won’t even be in the room when their wives are giving birth because they just don’t wanna see what’s going on in there.

    I’ve come across really “practicing” that make fun of other brothers for doing their wives laundry :(. It’s sad. I wish more men would learn from you. I’ve seen this happen mostly in immigrants or the children of immigrants…. I wonder why that is.

    • Siraaj says:

      I wonder why that is

      I think numerous social factors are in play that reinforce the idea that the husband is the breadwinner, and that’s it, and the wife is the chores/kids person, and that’s it. One of them is that the mothers of 2nd gen men tend to spoil them from childhood, and don’t make (or in some cases, allow) them to do chores.

      In my case, I was not raised that way, but after marriage my wife began spoiling me and I have to admit, I enjoyed the treatment :D But as pointed out earlier, it’s toxic to overall family health.

      Siraaj

      • BintB says:

        MashAllah Brother,
        May Allah reward you for that and May Allah help other brothers realise how important it is to help out around the house (and of course implement it).
        I personally come from the traditional society where the husband is the bread winner and the wife usually is in charge of the chores around the house. SubhanAllah, each time I see a husband helping his wife, I am totally amazed!
        Anyways great read too ! jAk

  9. AbdelRahman says:

    GREAT article Siraaj. I’m loving the advice masha Allah, clutch.

  10. Sakina says:

    Very sweet, mashaAllah. Shukran for sharing; shukran for Doing.

  11. Naseebah says:

    Jazakum Allahu khairan brother for sharing your experiences in implementing the sunnah of husband helping out in the household and being good to wives. It seems having a less overloaded and stressed wife would be good for the marriage bond and benefit the husband as well; she would have more enthusiasm, patience, and love for her man as well as for the kids. Bi’dhnillahi ta’alaa.

    • Siraaj says:

      It definitely helps greatly, but one thing which I think all frustrated people need to keep in mind regardless of gender is that we can’t make our happiness dependent on others changing their behavior toward us. I know a few sisters will forward this off to their husbands hoping they’ll change, and their husbands will say, “That guy’s whipped!” I’d say to those sisters, take initiative and start finding ways to negotiate more time for yourself, through your husband, paid services (babysitting, chores), or family, or a combination of them.

      Because I’ll tell you, if you’re waiting for your husband to “get it”, he likely won’t for a long time, if ever.

      Siraaj

      • Ameera says:

        Because I’ll tell you, if you’re waiting for your husband to “get it”, he likely won’t for a long time, if ever.

        Br Siraaj, I think you can write a whole book on this now because you seem to know what each side is doing/needs to do right. :) Masha’Allah.

  12. Ahmad says:

    Men do have a problem of realizing what to do and what not to do. Mothers work so much. I know my mom went through hell with us. I wont know exactly what to do to help my wife til I have one and get there :P but I hope I can be the proper husband iA. Good article.

  13. AsimG says:

    Did Sister Olivia read this yet? Her comments on your marriage/love/life articles are fun to read.

    • Amad says:

      do you think that’s even a question, Asim?? I am sure Siraaj must have shown this post to his beloved a million times… he continues to shamelessly use the blog for his personal benefit (in earning tons of brownie points).

      P.S. You are one smart brother mashallah, Siraaj! And my comment above was of course tongue in cheek :)

  14. Abd- Allah says:

    JazakAllah khayr akhi Siraaj for the advice. May Allah grant me a righteous wife so I can put your advice to practice inshAllah (smile).

  15. Torq says:

    May Allah give you strength to be a great husband, consistently.
    It would be nice to see what your wife thinks – a post by her for feedback

  16. Olivia says:

    you know, the longer i’m married to Siraaj, the better it gets.

    but then there’s that little quiet part of me that wonders if i’m being (pleasantly) manipulated in some way…

    *shakes head to clear it* anyway! to be a a little more impersonal, what Siraaj said is true. it’s all about nourishing your marriage, in the end. and helping out with the kids and home is probably the number 1 way a man can nourish his, to everyone’s benefit.

  17. Tanveer says:

    Good article, I agree that most brothers push everything on their wives, its hard I truely understand

    One critical thing to really understand is nature of a brother, if anyone is willing to follow sunnah of prophet s.a.s he would change and help, but sometimes it’s inbuilt character which makes them hard. I know someone who is very short temper, he knows it and he is trying his best to change it, but as usual power of shaitaan overcomes his effort and the next thing you see is he is shouting at his kids :-(

    My advice for brothers is to take things slow and understand what are the other ways to help your family

    In masjids where kids are not only tolerated, but welcomed (even if they walk around during salah), I’m happy to take my kids.

    You know the answer for this, dont you? ISNS come on bro it’s the place for kids

    • Siraaj says:

      For sure man, when I moved to Chicago, ISNS was my first home masjid :)

      I know someone who is very short temper, he knows it and he is trying his best to change it, but as usual power of shaitaan overcomes his effort and the next thing you see is he is shouting at his kids

      My wife is conducting ScreamFree Parenting seminars, email me later if the brother is interested in learning more about it and how it works, insha’Allah. You can also check out her site, http://www.screamfreemuslims.com.

      Siraaj

  18. Umm Ibraheem says:

    Wow, Muslim guys don’t help out their wives with diaper changing and watching the kids at the masjid?! I really feel for sisters that I see juggling multiple children while their husband ignores from a distance on his cell phone.

    My husband actually puts the children to bed routinely and helps with feedings. He’ll even watch them for a couple of hours at a time if I need alone time to just go shopping/listen to a lecture/lie down. I always tell him he should do a blog on parenting/husbanding… Sometimes I think he’s a better mom than I am!

  19. Abd- Allah says:

    Before some sisters who might be reading this post and comments start comparing their husband with other men, keep in mind that men are different, and none of them are perfect. Some men might know how to do something while others won’t. If you do ask your husband to help you out, give him something to do which he knows how to do and is able to do. Also keep in mind that some men spend most of their time at work, so they might not have much time left to help out with household chores or with the kids. Just so sisters don’t think that all men help out their wives at home and with the kids and so when they look at their husband who might not help out a lot, then they might start to think what a horrible husband he is and start to treat him bad. Even if he doesn’t help you out as much as you want, look at the other good things that he does for you, and appreciate his good qualities rather than forgetting them just because he might not help you out at home. As the Prophet peace be upon him said that most the inhabitants of hell are women because they are ungrateful to their husbands. So this is just a reminder for the sisters who are married inshAllah.

    • Umm Ibraheem says:

      Sorry if I rubbed somebody the wrong way. Wasn’t trying to cause trouble. My husband actually spends the most part of his day working, but what spare time he does have, he tries to give to me and the kids. I was just saying Alhamdulillah for that.

      You’re right, though – sisters shouldn’t start comparing their husbands. I think a good wife knows how much her husband is trying to help out, or at least what he’s capable of.

  20. sabirah says:

    jazhakallah for mentioning this Abd- Allah
    true, there is no such a thing as the perfect spouse, sometimes it’s their faults and shortcomings that make people loveable. Also it’s practising the deen, isn’t it? Sad that first thing that people (all religions) complain about is their partner, not the state of the world… comparing the spouse with others will sooner or later lead to jealousy. Husband and wifes have different responsibilities. Some women might even not like their husbands to interfere in “their domain”,? if my (imaginary) husband would turn out to be clumsy i wouldn’t want him to touch anything else but the TV remote or the light switch…

  21. Social comments and analytics for this post…

    This post was mentioned on Twitter by Al_Mawaddah: Some Advice for Muslim Husbands on Giving Your Wife a Break: I was pretty much “hands-off” dad – diapers repelled … http://bit.ly/aXtVXt

  22. Jazak Allahu khair for this article. I am SO glad a married brother wrote it! it would probably not have had such a high level of authentic credibility, had it come from a woman. This article is a great service to Muslim women everywhere – be they mothers, wives, sisters, or daughters.

    May Allah bless your marriage manifold. Ameen.

  23. Abu Zakariya says:

    salaam akhi..

    bro… I am far more interested in article called “HOW I GOT AWAY WITH IT FOR 4 YEARS” lol

    this is a very important point for the long term health of the children. my wife and I decided right when we got married that we didn’t want me to be a ‘hands off father’ like too many of us in our generation had. i’ve witnessed the consequences first hand.. boys specifically who are raised in homes without a hands-on father end up on the street, end up living double lives, end up having problems expressing themselves, anger issues, addictions, and if not to that extreme they end up just being stressed adults.

    jazakallah khair for posting, may Allah grant us wisdom and let us be the best of fathers.
    Yasser

    “O my Lord! Grant unto us wives and offspring who will be the comfort of our eyes, and give us (the grace) to lead the righteous.” [25:74]

    • Siraaj says:

      I am far more interested in article called “HOW I GOT AWAY WITH IT FOR 4 YEARS

      I wrote an article like this about 2 or 3 years ago on my old personal blog. It wasn’t specifically about duping your wife :) It was more like, how do you keep her happy so you can do your own thing, and it was something that could be use for good, or, as my wife said above, pleasant manipulation ;)

      Siraaj

  24. abu Rumay-s.a. says:

    i like this article because of the accumulation of brownie points! :) Also, masha`Allah it is a kind way of developing family responsibilities..

    realistically speaking, I believe the situation differs from family to family because:
    – different cultural norms (even w/i families in N.A.), thus varying capabilities, expectations from both husband and wife
    – depends on the age and number of children. If you are like me with children at different ages, it becomes a bit more challenging in order to take care of their individual needs when trying to help out, so intuitiveness is important
    – depends on the work schedule and work type…i.e… if the husband works outdoors vs. working indoors… , regular hours vs extended hours, traveling, etc..this may determine his functionality in participation
    – extended family help (i.e. grandparents/family/etc.) or not (which can alleviate workload)
    – each husband may contribute in different ways be it changing diapers, helping in the kitchen, taking the kids out, helping out with homework/quran, helping out in cleaning/laundry, etc..

    in the end, i think each member of the family has to step up to the plate and realize their important roles in a household in a way that satisfies the other partner.

    SubhanAllah, when I think about the sahaba (ra) and what amazing people they were, just considering their roles in the household…I remember Fatima (ra) and Asma (ra) and their husbands Ali (ra) and Zubair (ra), and their particular chores in their respective households, subhanAllah, it really humbles us, makes us realize our shortcomings/weakness and reminds us to be thankful servants to Allah azza wa jal..

  25. Alhamdulillah! I love this article.

    Many people wonder how my wife manages with two kids at such a young age, one reason is that I help a lot. In fact Muawiyah sleeps with me, not my wife. Every night I have to read him a book and make dua then he sleeps in my arms and if he wakes up at night, he wants me. I also take my family out multiple times a week and spend quality time with each of them each and every day, maybe that is why my wife doesn’t mind, rather she enjoys, our two kids (with a third on the way insha Allah). :)

    Didn’t say all that to boast but just to give people an example of how us husbands can make things easy for our wives. :)

  26. K S A says:

    MashAllah, very nice effort from your part.
    To me, it is not how much you are doing, it is the concern and thoughts and effort that counts. It shows that you are recognizing your wife’s hard work and grateful for that and trying to lessen her burden. Keep it up brother.
    I wish my husband will learn the same from you.

    – K S A

  27. UmmMaryam says:

    salamu ‘alaikum,

    jazak Allah khair. it takes courage to write about this. my husband mashaAllah did all of the above from day one with each child we had. expert in especially washing dirty backsides after a major stink job. must say though, the mentality of leave it all to the women is very pervasive. esp. during ramadan when we get invited to various families’ homes with the “back home” understanding. if he has one of our daughters on the “men’s side”, he’ll get looks from other brothers (of why is she with you, shouldn’t she be with your wife) he can just see it on their faces. and Allah forbid that he is even feeding his 2 year old as he eats…he’s had many an occasion where the host will holler out to his teenaged daughter to please come and feed this little girl for him, and my husband is like, no jazakAllah khair she is fine with me, and they think he is weird.

    we laugh about it at home afterwards. the shock of it all. alhamdulillah. I have to agree with all your points.

    when my husband has asked what I want for Eid, it’s not eating out, it’s not buying anything expensive. The best gift is a one day pass to be used to get time off from the kids.

    yes, men might have long days at work, but we do too, only our work is at home. men have bosses handing down deadlines-women have emotional, crying over spilt milk kids demanding instant attention…it’s deadlines all day long.

    alhamdulillah for the brothers that get it. May Allah make more of them get it.

    growing up as a teenager in my community, I used to wonder why many women (from across the oceans) would look so sad, they wouldn’t say they were sad, I could just see the face of a tired run down woman. every 2 years a new kids on the scene and by the time they’d have 6 I could just see them as tired out mujahidas who gave everything they could. May Allah reward them for their patience and not opening their mouth once ever in complaint. really, they are my role models of patience and servitude to their husbands. however, now having my own, i see the benefits of my husband helping out. it helps me to plan for the kids spiritual growth, by feeding my own time for quran/space for reflection. i have the energy and drive to go beyond cooking and cleaning and diaper changing. many of the women who have no help, yousee their kids are the wandering grazers in the masjid…they’ve not been taught their islam, and you can hardly blame the mom who LITERALLY has no extra time on hands because she is spending every waking hour using every last drop of her blood to cook, clean and take care of their physical needs.

    really, jazakAllah khair for the above.

  28. Kashif says:

    Siraaj – good advice bro, but come on man!! Changing diapers as well? Do you know how many brothers are gonna be in trouble with their wives cos “you’re not like Siraaj! HEEE even changes his kids diapers”

    ;)

    • Siraaj says:

      The good news is that I’m not the only one :) Other sisters have mentioned their husbands help out and do these chores, so they’ll have many examples to choose from ;)

      Siraaj

    • abu Rumay-s.a. says:

      Kashif:

      This really an American biddah! Will they not cease their innovation before it catches on to the other cultures? This calls for a serious refutation! :)

  29. Yawar says:

    Of course all this is for those who are not fortunate enough to live in India. If you live here, there is no need to give anyone a break because we have lots of help to take care of wife, elder and younger children and yourself….see??? So most welcome to move here.

    • Siraaj says:

      Since I was trying to keep this article focused, I presented one reason men should take their kids and spend more time with them – to help their wives. But there are other reasons as well, such as former stronger bonds with the children. When children are raised directly by their fathers showing them attention and giving them that quality time, it translates and builds trust and love over time, more so than outsourcing help to relatives and servants in india can ever do ;)

      Keep in mind the goal isn’t necessarily efficiency and creating more time, so much as it is creating more family togetherness and wholesomeness.

      Siraaj

  30. Umm Zahrah says:

    I think one reason this post would make many sisters want to make their husbands read it is acknowledgment of their feelings and concerns. Many times brothers hear their wives complaining and think it’s a woman thing or if they complain about how men are being unjust, that it’s being feminist! Makes you want to tell your husband, “See? That’s how I feel! It really is like slavery sometimes!” and not so much, “See! That’s how you should help out around here!” Sometimes, it’s really just wanting to have your feelings acknowledged and to be understood, for someone to *genuinely* listen, not just “hear” your concerns… and then also to have a helping hand.

    Barak Allahu feek, Br. Siraaj.

    • Anna says:

      By the way, the fact that brothers complain about “feminism” when sisters ask them to live up to the sunan involving service to the family and not acting like small children who can hardly tie their own shoes, much less fix their own dinners, is the best argument for feminism that I can think of. There is nothing un-Islamic about the radical notion that women are people too, in fact quite the opposite.

  31. Faiez says:

    Great article Siraaj, JazakAllahu khayr

    Also, give Ama more attention. ;P

  32. Abdul-Razak says:

    Great article, mashaAllah. What i really could do with is some help with suggestions as to where to go out with the family. I’ve found that getting out of the house is great for bonding & relaxing especially for my wife. But i can’t really think of many places where its “halal” & suitable to take the family. I live in London UK, & don’t want to go to places where im made to feel out of place, as, Allhamdulillah i have a beard & she wears the niqaab. Any ideas would be appreciated. JazakAllah khairun

    • Abd- Allah says:

      If the weather is nice, I would say go to the park or somewhere out in nature. There is plenty to of things to see, and the fresh air is great.

    • Siraaj says:

      I can’t speak for your situation in Britain since I’m not there, but in America, my wife and I are clearly different looking, but we don’t allow that to prevent us from going out where we please. If nothing else, when people see a happy Muslim family, and how they deal with one another, it’s daw’ah in action, and if nothing else, it’s good PR ;)

      Siraaj

      • Abdul-Razak says:

        Thats another way of looking at things (& i hope it has the desired effect inshaAllah). Sometimes though i want to go out with the family without feeling we have to prove a point. Please dont misunderstand Siraaj bro – im not saying you do. Its just that here we (or me rather) feel a bit self conscious especially with the negative media portrayels. JazakAllah for your comments.

    • Bushra says:

      Assalaamualaikum brother,

      Just to let you know…I’m an original Londoner (recently relocated to the Midlands, but still consider myself a hardcore Londoner) and my husband and I have similar problems when it comes to finding places to ‘chill out’ in London.

      Depending on where you live, I would say East London and South London have some great things.

      If you’re looking to eat out, the most halal restaurant I know is Maedah Grill behind LMC in Whitechapel. It’s HMC-certified and has private booths for your wife to enjoy her food without her niqaab on. Make sure you book a table in advance. Great Turkish food too. My mouth is now watering :D

      Also, try out another restaurant, also called Maidah in Bethnal Green, also HMC-certified serving Indian food and with private rooms for you and your family to sit in privacy. You can either sit on the floor and eat on a low table or sit at a normal table. The choice is yours. Again, book in advance.

      There’s another restaurant called The Red Lounge which occasionally have ladies-only events. I’ve never been to it, so it’s worth enquiring about.

      As for just general family time…going to the park, etc is nice.

      Have you been to Hayaa Fitness gym, btw? It’s good for brothers and sisters who want to keep fit, with separate timings for both brothers and sisters. Watch out for the nasheed on their website…it’s quite loud.

      Errrmmmmmmmm…for some odd reason, I can only think of places to eat in London. I find that usually Muslim families can enjoy themselves at conferences like JIMAS in Leicester and the GPU event in London.

      That’s all I can think of so far.

      • Abdul-Razak says:

        JazakAllah sister. I’ll try some of your suggestions (although It may have an effect on my waist!). By the way The Red Lounge is a sisters only restaurent, with family days on sat & sun. (i must also confess that the last sentance is a shameless bit of promotion as The Red Lounge is run by family!)

        JazakAllah khair

        • Bushra says:

          ” I’ll try some of your suggestions (although It may have an effect on my waist!).”

          That’s why I mentioned Hayaa Fitness too! :D

          About Red Lounge…small world!! Jazakallah khair for that little bit of info. I will most definitely check it out, insha’ Allah…at some point when I’m in London.

  33. don't fee like living anymore says:

    assalamualaikum everyone

    i know this is not the right place but i dont have no one. im in so much trouble. when i was 9 my mom’s sister’s son tried to rape me. he didnt succeed but he did a lot of inappropriate things. i was a kid, i had no idea why he did what he did. i remember crying to my mom and she told me to keep quiet and not to tell anyone esp my dad. my mom was scared that if dad comes to know he’ll fight with her family. she also said its best if girls keep quiet cos our warped up society will defame the girl. fast fwd to now, im 21 and half yrs old. i thought what happened was a thing of the past, but i realized it still effects me. esp after going to college and getting an education. my relationship with my mom is on the rocks. deep inside i resent her for abandoning me emotionally.

    my dad’s family has always been rude to my mom and though my dad is a great guy he gets overpowered by them and takes their side over my mom/ this has been the only downside to my parent’s marriage. just a few hrs back i told my mom jokingly ‘ oh mom your so old fashioned, maybe thats why dad is so strict with u’..my mom took it so seriously, she started crying. i told her i was only joking. u know the hadith ‘u will be treated the way you treat others’ rings in my ears. im sorry my dad always takes his family’s side but isnt that what my mom did? cos she wanted to continue her relationship w/ her sis she asked me to stay mum..she preferred her sis over me..

    that monster got married to a *very nice girl* as everyone says in my family. my mom brought her jewelery as a wedding gift. that animal doesnt have a job and mom asked her sis to send her dil’s cv to my bro so we can look out for a job for her. to top it all they stay in our house for free( it’s not in my city, they live far away- we own 2 places) can u imagine how it feels? i never spoke to my mom abt it but when she brought that girl a gift i started crying and asked mom how could you do this. and she goes ‘ Allah asked us to forgive people’. right so even if people start raping u, forgive them. my life is in shatters. i was never able to have a good relationship w/ my mom. i tried forgiving her i dont mind my mom being nice to her sis (my aunt is innocent, she doesn’t know), but how can she continue doing things for the loser who tried raping me, her daughter?! God forbid, if something like that happened to any daughter of mine, it would take an entire army to stop me from murdering the guy. my life is in shatters. i have failed in all aspects of life. i tried being a good muslim. i changed my life after i turned 18. i started practicing islam but i got nothing. i thought of doing good in school. but my personal life is taking a toll on me. school is tough as it is, i cant bear it with the way things are at home. i cant tell my dad cos he will fight w/ my mom and her sis, as as much as im resentful, i love my mom deeply and never overlook things she has done for me. i just wanna die. why did this happen to me? what did i do to deserve this? i dont want to live anymore. how can someone who gave life to you also become the reason of u wanting to die..?

    • Abû Mûsâ Al-Ḥabashî says:

      Wa ‘alaykum salâm wa raḥmatullâh wa barakâtuhu,

      May Allâh make it easy for you sister. Âmîn. If you are living in North America, then I would highly recommend a Muslim Youth Helpline called Naseeha. Here is how they describe themselves on their website:

      Naseeha, which literally means ‘sincere counsel’, is a confidential youth helpline for young Muslims. We provide immediate, anonymous, and confidential support over the phone from 6 – 9 pm, Monday to Friday (Eastern Standard Time). Launched in 2008, Naseeha is a telephone support line for young Muslims in North America, to talk about, and work through their issues with trained counsellors.

      OUR SERVICE

      * Available to all Muslim youth in North America
      * Supports elementary, high school and university students
      * All calls are toll-free and confidential!
      * Callers remain anonymous: calls do not appear on phone bills, nor can they be traced

      If you’re interested, then their phone number is 1-866-NASEEHA.

      • don't feel like living life anymore says:

        All i will get is ‘ stay strong sister, Allah is testing you’. i waited for ease that comes after difficulty but it never came. i turned my life around. i tried being a good muslim. i applied into med school and got accepted. in fact, my exams are closing on me and i cant study. med school is hard as it is and i cant concentrate w/ the drama going on. i tried to forget but it’s like there’s always something always reminding me of the past..(like his wife’s cv lying on my bro’s desktop)..I feel like I’m sitting in a vacuum sometimes. I could be sitting anywhere when I start to feel a hollow, emptiness around me, with the buzz of background noise, when something flickers in my mind to remind of that time. i feel dead. i would love to die..maybe this is the time our Prophet told us about. ppl wishing death upon themselves..

  34. dont feel like living anymore says:

    all i will get is ‘ stay strong, Allah is testing you’. i tried being a good muslim. i kept waiting for ease that comes after difficulty, but it never came. I love Allah, i know islam is the right religion, but i have given up. i feel dead inside. its only my body that’s living. my mom is sick, apparently becoz of me. i wanted to tell her ‘what abt me?!’ i cant tell my dad though im really close to him. he’ll fight with my mom and i dont want to put my mom thru anything anymore. it’s not her fault. it’s my fate..i tried turning my life around. i applied and got accepted into med school..i tried forgetting..but every now and then something comes up to haunt me..im thrown into the past..I feel like I’m sitting in a vacuum..I could be sitting anywhere when I start to feel a hollow, emptiness around me, with the buzz of background noise, when something flickers in my mind to remind of that time. i cant sleep, i cant eat..med school is hard as it is..i have exams coming up and i cant study anymore..im just waiting to die..pls dont judge me unless you have walked 2 miles in my shoes..

    anyway im not sure if my posts will get thru the moderation, but i want to make it clear, i didnt write this to gain sympathy from anyone. i am carrying this with me for so long..i just wanted to vent out somewhere other than on a musallah.

    • Siraaj says:

      Salaam alaykum sister,

      I’ve never been in your situation and I can’t begin to imagine the difficulties you’re facing with your mother and the horror you must be feeling with this situation taking you back to a horrible memory in the middle of exams.

      Sometimes venting is the best thing you can do to clear your mind and begin moving past the past and regaining control over the present and future. Feel free to email me at siraaj AT gmail dOT com if you need to vent some more and would like to find you some good sisters who you can vent with, and share your difficulties without judgment, insha’allah.

      Siraaj

    • Abû Mûsâ Al-Ḥabashî says:

      The counsellors are trained to deal with a wide range of issues including sexual abuse so I wouldn’t discount them so easily; they will NOT deal with you like the stereotypical “maulvi” in shâ Allâh. It doesn’t hurt to try and if nothing else, they provide exactly what Siraaj offered: a sister to whom you can vent and who won’t judge you.

  35. don't feel like living anymore says:

    i dont live in NA and even if i did i dont think i would be calling them. i have grown into a very shy and introverted person. i cant speak about myself to anyone..i am only good in expressing myself thru words that i write..
    either way i am not looking for nasiha but i will see if i can email them. i am not mad at my mom cos she didnt report to the police or confront the loser. i understand where she’s coming from though i dont agree. what hurts more than the incident is the fact that she refuses to acknowledge the pain i went and still continue to go thru..she acts like nothing ever happened. she asked me to forgive him. i mean excuse me did he apologize? his only concern was that i dont tell anyone on him.
    my brother is busy making the guy’s wife’s cv. i almost told him. how can that guy live with himself? how can he live with the fact that it’s my family that’s trying to help him out? doesnt he feel ashamed? i never wished this upon anyone i know, not even a non-muslim but i hope he stays miserable for the rest of his pathetic life. Allahu’alam i wasnt his first prey-and maybe not the last. he’s chilling out there while my life is in shatters. i have no idea how i am gonna study for my exams. i am forcing myself to concentrate. the last thing i want is to flunk out b/c of him…anyway jazakAllah khair for even reading this.

    • Abd- Allah says:

      Sister ‘dont feel like living anymore’, I personally believe you have the answer to your own problems, but for some reason you’re not using it to solve them. Every person passes through that “I don’t feel like living anymore” phase during their lives, some even pass through it more than once. I won’t give you advice because you already seem to have got plenty from others, but I will tell you one thing, that this phase, and it is a phase trust me, will eventually end. Perhaps it will end soon, or perhaps it will end when you finally get married and have your own family, or maybe when you have a drastic change in your life, only Allah knows when this phase will end, but one thing is certain, it has to end sometime. The only thing that I can really do for you sister is make du’a, and although that doesn’t seem like much, but in reality, it is everything.

      • don't feel like livin anymore says:

        @ Abd-Allah- they say your past will always stay with you whether you like it or not… it’s not like a bad hair you can chop off. what you can do is take that past as a learning experience and move on with life. im trying to but with my mom’s attitude i cant succeed..

        @helper- Allah was my only source of help and i feel like even He abandoned me. I know i shouldnt be saying this..but i feel so pathetic. im waiting for Allah to help me. I asked him for help and am waiting…and Allahu’alam no matter what i say, i will never lose hope and faith in Him.

        @siraaj: ” I’ve often read of individuals who go through traumatic experiences and due a sort of courageous drive within themselves, they learn and implement everything they can to heal themselves, and then they take their personal experience, their knowledge, and their wisdom and they empower other individuals, showing them how take back control of their lives from their emotional demons”

        i am exactly like that. i don’t take crap from no one. my mom says i am too rebellious for my own good. i really dont care. i will fight for my God-given rights even if they contradict the desi culture. and i also hope i dont take away someone else’s rights- which is why i want to maintain a good relationship with my mom.

        @ another hand stretched out- im sorry for what you have been thru. it’s difficult to get past your past when you still live w/ your parents. maybe the drama will finally ease when we get married and have our own kids one day insha’Allah. maybe we will find solace by being parents our parents never were. dont get me wrong, i love my mom, she’s a role model to me in many ways. but when it comes to dealing with kids emotionally, i hope im nothing like her.

        @amad: i did..i will go thru it again.

    • helper says:

      SubhanAllah that we’re muslims. We know that dogs like that cousin of your’s will get back what they gave others…………… you just wait and see…………. be patient sister. Allah will make you come out victorious and him.. humiliated -both in this world and the next…………..
      unless he sincerely seeks repentance from Allah and yourself. It may appear that he’s life is going smooth – but just look – he’s already in a humiliated position – He is having to survive and fend for his family thru the help of your family – how humiliating for any Man!! – a part of manliness is to be able to look after his family – himself – not of the givings of others.
      Be strong – ask Allah to give you strength and make you ACE these exams and give you a successful career – as a Doctor – that will make him be even more humiliated. Use this motivation to study hard and pray hard!! May Allah give you success and make things easy for you – don’t lose hope in Allah – that’s kufr – and read tafsir of the quran…
      watch these:
      http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_uHlNYVa62I
      and
      http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Haf9-nbSMuY

      also if you study hard, you can get out from your environment quicker…. and you really need to sis…. you need to be in a new environment with friends and InshAllah you’ll find tthis in univeersity………. away from home
      hope this helps
      Your sis

    • Siraaj says:

      i’m not totally surprised by your mom’s response, not so much because I think she means to be hurtful, but I’ve seen the same sort of “denial” if you will from other parental / elder types when things like this happen. Our western culture is all about bringing issues out into the open and confronting them head on, along with therapy and healing whereas the eastern mentality is all about preserving family and honor, to the point of smothering legitimate injustices among family members, as with what happened to you.

      Why did it happen to you? I’m pretty confident it has nothing to do with something being wrong with you, and there remains nothing wrong with you (you were 9, how could there be?) due to this incident, insha’Allah. I’ve often read of individuals who go through traumatic experiences and due a sort of courageous drive within themselves, they learn and implement everything they can to heal themselves, and then they take their personal experience, their knowledge, and their wisdom and they empower other individuals, showing them how take back control of their lives from their emotional demons.

      Perhaps at the moment, you will go through pain, and you will struggle through this test and pass, and through your medical school training, you will learn to heal yourself and be a light in helping other sisters pass through these types of difficulties.

      Wallaahu a’lam. may Allah make it easy for you and turn this difficult moment in life into a victory for you in this life and in the Hereafter.

      Siraaj

  36. helper says:

    SubhanAllah that we’re muslims. We know that dogs like that cousin of your’s will get back what they gave others…………… you just wait and see…………. be patient sister. Allah will make you come out victorious and him.. humiliated -both in this world and the next…………..
    unless he sincerely seeks repentance from Allah and yourself. It may appear that he’s life is going smooth – but just look – he’s already in a humiliated position – He is having to survive and fend for his family thru the help of your family – how humiliating for any Man!! – a part of manliness is to be able to look after his family – himself – not of the givings of others.
    Be strong – ask Allah to give you strength and make you ACE these exams and give you a successful career – as a Doctor – that will make him be even more humiliated. Use this motivation to study hard and pray hard!! May Allah give you success and make things easy for you – don’t lose hope in Allah – that’s kufr – and read tafsir of the quran…
    watch these:
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_uHlNYVa62I
    and
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Haf9-nbSMuY

    hope this helps
    Your sis

  37. another hand stretched out says:

    sister, you have come to a forum with a lot of brothers and sisters willing to help, and your cry was not unheard.
    I was in a similar situation, and unfortunately the man succeeded with what he intended to do. I never confined in anyone, out of shame and knowing that my family would not understand. When I finally did, many years later, I was branded a liar.
    I was living in a nightmarish haze for more than ten years until i finally realized that I don’t want to continue living like that for the rest of my life that would have been another 60 or 70 years, with resentment and hate towards myself, family and that man. Alhamdullillah, that was as if i was taken from a burning furnace into the cool free air.
    Sister believe me, I can empathize with what you have experienced. But understand, this man is where he wants to have you, in a depressed state unable to live the life that you were created for. Allah subhaana wa ta’ala is your wali, be sure that justice will be served.
    You are studying medicine, mashallah! You will be in a situation where you will be helping hundreds and thousands of people and save lives, cure and heal. But first of all you have to heal yourself. I strongly advise you to seek professional help, don’t just hang out in online forums with it.
    You are already reaching out to others to vent and maybe also for advise, although you don’t want to admit it. Other than that I would like to add, once you practise medicine, you will realize that there are thousands and million of people in a similar situation, and you will be in a position to empathize with them and help them, not look away. It is possible to take what happened as a strength not as a burden.

  38. another hand stretched out says:

    … I made dua for you sister. Also, there are duas that you can recite for yourself for example
    ‘Ya Hayyu, ya Qayyumu, bi-rahmatika astaghithu (O the Living, O the Eternal, I seek help in Your grace)’.

    Now back to study please, I wish you all the best for your final exam and inshallah you will be a great doctor.

    I feel sorry for your mother, this is the kind of experience no parent wants to have. A lot of parents/families I would say wouldn’t know how to deal with that appropriately

  39. TheSussist says:

    Helping your wife out is a noble thing to do. But I think we’re missing a few fundamental and important points in this discussion.

    It must not be forgotton that to maintain the house and bring up the children should primarily be the responsibility of the wife.

    Husband housework should not reach the level where the housework is equally shared or becomes an expectation from the husband.

    Any housework undertaken by the husband should be seen as a voluntary act of kindness on behalf of the husband towards his wife, and he should be thanked by his wife everytime he does a particular action that relieves some of her duties e.g. changing a diaper, hoovering the house.

    Call me old fashioned if you wish, but the golden system is: man is the breadwinner and the woman maintains the home.

    This article presents two potential problems to the readers:

    1. To those husbands who work long hours to maintain the family, will feel a sort of pressure to help out with domestic duties when they come home from their shifts. This potentially will make them crack. If the husband cracks, the relationship weakens. He’ll eventually have enough of working and carrying out domestic duties.

    2. Most sisters reading this will go to a new level of expectation and comparison with the little amount their husbands do. This extra expectation will possibly lead to friction in the house, with wives trying to “train” their husbands to become Siraaj!

    A husband should help out with housework chores but this shouldn’t become excessive or an expectation. If a husband has enough time on his plate to do that and prioritises to spend that time in housework, by all means feel free. And may Allah reward you for your intentions.

    It’s about finding that balance through careful prioritisation, kindness, empathy and most of all understanding.

    • Abd- Allah says:

      It must not be forgotton that to maintain the house and bring up the children should primarily be the responsibility of the wife.

      While I agree that maintaining the house is mainly the responsibility of the wife since the responsibility of the husband is to work outside the house to provide for his family, but I disagree with that bringing up the children is the main responsibility of the wife. If the father isn’t involved in bringing up his children and having a strong relationship with them then their personality and character will be lacking in certain aspects. It is just as important for the father to have a good relationship with his kids and bring them up just like the mother should be involved in raising up her children. If both parents aren’t equally involved in raising the kids, then the kids won’t grow to be good Muslims like they should. A father should always be involved in his kid’s life just as much as the mother is. Balance is key when it comes to raising up the kids, because kids aren’t like the dishes where it doesn’t matter who washes them.

    • Siraaj says:

      Salaam alaykum TheSussist,

      In my experience, the people whose understanding of marriage is mostly based on rights and responsibilities rather than mercy and kindness are either:

      1. Not married
      2. On their way to divorce
      3. Suffering from failed expectations

      I believe the best advice I have read in a long time on this matter is from islamqa:

      What happens nowadays is that the wife – usually – serves her husband and takes care of different matters within the home. There may be a servant to help her with that if her husband can afford it. If the husband knows that the majority of scholars say that it is not obligatory for the wife to serve her husband and take care of the house, I say that one of the benefits of this may be that he will not go to extremes and demand too much of his wife in this regard, and that he will not give her a hard time if she falls short, because what she is doing is not a duty according to the majority of fuqaha’. However, even it is a duty according to some of them – and this is what we think is more correct – the fact that there is such a difference of opinion means that the husband has to look at what she is doing as something voluntary rather than obligatory, or something in which the scholars differ as to whether it is obligatory, so he should be gentle with her if he sees that she is falling short in this regard, and he should encourage her and help her to do it.

      http://www.islam-qa.com/en/ref/1704/

      Siraaj

    • Proud muslim Mom says:

      I personally believe that no mother reading this is having resentful thoughts about her husband not helping out because as mothers, we love to take care of our family.

      Plus a little help when it’s needed is not going to “spoil” the mother by any means. All hours of the day, she is working.

      Even Allah says in the quran:

      “And We have enjoined on man to be dutiful to his parents. His mother bore him in weakness and hardship upon weakness and hardship and his weaning in two years. Give thanks to Me and your parents, unto Me is the final destination.”
      31:14

  40. Olivia says:

    Siraaj definitely is not negating traditional gender roles in the home, by any means. I think what he’s pointing out though is that in many cases men could help but choose not to. Like for example at islamic classes or in helping the family get ready for an outing, when the husband is available to help. for some guys perhaps it’s a cultural taboo for them to enter this realm of childcare, but for others they simply choose to remain “hands off” b/c they’d rather be doing something else (heck, who really wants to wrestle a crying baby into a diaper? i cant blame him for wanting to surf the net instead). it really depends on the person, but from my understanding siraaj is addressing the guys that could but don’t help out. and it’s not meant to brow-beat them, but to simply illustrate that it’s a way to improve the marriage.

    and another thing he didn’t mention but which i will is this. housework and some forms of childcare are as draining and unpleasant for a woman as they are for a man. the work isn’t more likeable to us just b/c we’re women (although we may be more proficient at it ;) ). now i know a guy might say, “well my corporate job isn’t likeable to me either”, and i totally validate you on that. so i’d say this. you work from 9-5 at your job, and your wife will work from 9-5 at her job at home cleaning and cooking and tending to the kids. then at 6 you have a nice family meal and after that you split the duties. consider it a favor to her if you want to, and maybe culturally for you it really is a favor. but just do it and see that it won’t completely diminish your testosterone or cause your beard hairs to fall out (that was meant to be humorous not condescending). and youll see that when you want your “cave time” your wife will be more then happy to shuttle the kids out of the room for an hour for your peace and quiet. and see if you don’t have warmer feet for it to. its a win-win.

  41. don't feel like livin anymore says:

    the whole world can sympathize, but there’s a child in me that still seeks approval from my parents..still wants them to validate my feelings. I am a stronger person alhamdulillah. sometimes I still curl into a ball and cry when i think about it. Like i said, the incident doesnt hurt as much as my mom’s lack of acknowledgment does. It’s like there’s always something out there reminding me about my past. like his wife’s vc lying on my bro’s desktop. a couple of months back he was arrested by the police for being involved in physical violence. and guess who bailed him out? my dad along with my other uncles.

    even as i am writing this, my mom is chatting with her sis and asking about the guy’s wife’s academic details. im just scared cos i dont want them to move over here to my city. i dont want to see that guy again. my mom will probably invite them over to our place for dinner. seriously if that happens, im gonna run away from home. my mom is acting so goody-goody with her sister, so hell bent on helping them out..

    this guy’s sister was earlier engaged to my brother in law. couple of months later she broke it off saying she’s seeing someone else. my bro-in-law eventually married my sister and guess what. my mom doesn’t talk to my cousin anymore cos it seems inappropriate communicating with someone who was her sil’s ex-fiance. apparently my sister’s husband’s feelings matter more.

  42. don't feel like livin anymore says:

    @ Abd-Allah- they say your past will always stay with you whether you like it or not… it’s not like a bad hair you can chop off. what you can do is take that past as a learning experience and move on with life. im trying to but with my mom’s attitude i cant succeed..

    @helper- Allah was my only source of help and i feel like even He abandoned me. I know i shouldnt be saying this..but i feel so pathetic. im waiting for Allah to help me. I asked him for help and am waiting…and Allahu’alam no matter what i say, i will never lose hope and faith in Him.

    @siraaj: ” I’ve often read of individuals who go through traumatic experiences and due a sort of courageous drive within themselves, they learn and implement everything they can to heal themselves, and then they take their personal experience, their knowledge, and their wisdom and they empower other individuals, showing them how take back control of their lives from their emotional demons”

    i am exactly like that. i don’t take crap from no one. my mom says i am too rebellious for my own good. i really dont care. i will fight for my God-given rights even if they contradict the desi culture. and i also hope i dont take away someone else’s rights- which is why i want to maintain a good relationship with my mom.

    @ another hand stretched out- im sorry for what you have been thru. it’s difficult to get past your past when you still live w/ your parents. maybe the drama will finally ease when we get married and have our own kids one day insha’Allah. maybe we will find solace by being parents our parents never were. dont get me wrong, i love my mom, she’s a role model to me in many ways. but when it comes to dealing with kids emotionally, i hope im nothing like her.

    @amad: i did..i will go thru it again.

    • Abd- Allah says:

      @ Abd-Allah- they say your past will always stay with you whether you like it or not…

      Please do tell them, whoever they are, that they are wrong in that regards. It might certainly seem like your past will always stay with you being in the situation and state of mind that you are in right now, but once that phase actually ends, your past will be in the past, and when you remember it, it will simply be a memory of the past. Right now, you might think that your past will always stay with you, but that is just because your past is still with you right now, to an extent. However, once that phase ends and you get over what happened in the past, then it won’t stay with you anymore in the future inshAllah.

      From everything that you have said, it seems that the main cause of this issue is that your parents don’t know what you are going through right now. So I would suggest that you sit them both down and just spill things out. I know it is hard since we see ourselves all grown up and independent, but this is one of those times when that little girl inside of you who actually suffered this incident should tell her parents what happened and how she feels. In other words, you should have the conversation with both your parents now which you should have had with them when that incident happened. That conversation is 12 years overdue, but that is still better than never.

  43. muslimah101 says:

    I , *dont feel like living anymore* will go by this handle from now on

    @ Abd-Allah- From personal experience I can say the psychologists are right when they speak about a person’s past always staying with them. I don’t let my life revolve around the incident. I came out of it alhamdulillah but there are still moments when i need to be alone and cry. I can’t wipe it off from my system. people who went thru similar experiences will endorse the fact..

    You are right, I want my parents to acknowledge and validate my feelings.. mom knows, yet she chooses to act like nothing ever happened. i cant tell my dad. you don’t know him..he is the kind who will cry even if a pin hurts his daughter he will fight with my mom and her family. my aunt already has been thru so much..her kids put her thru so much pain and humiliation..her husband died 10 yrs ago…i dont want to hurt her anymore.

    im really confused … that guy and his wife’s financial situation seems to be the hot topic in my home these days..my mom is keen on helping her sister and i understand. i dont mind my dad financially helping my mom’s sis out. but i dont want him and my bro looking out for jobs for them.. my parents are so so big on hospitality, esp my dad. he’ll go out of his way to invite the guy over to our house..i dont wanna see him again..ever..if do im scared i’ll have a nervous breakdown. i cant see my dad serving that loser..and i cant tell him. im stuck.

    • Abd- Allah says:

      muslimah101 is much better than *dont feel like living anymore* !

      Sister muslimah, you are the only one who has to make the decision here. You either decide to keep things in you without telling anyone, and live with them for the rest of your life without telling your father, or you have to tell your dad even if it will hurt him. Don’t you think that by not telling your dad, that you are making decisions for him and assuming that he can’t handle such news? I am sure that regardless of how much this is going to hurt him, I am sure that he would rather know than stay in the dark. What he is going to say is why haven’t you told him about it any sooner. I’m sure any father would rather know what his daughter is going through even if it isn’t so pleasant, instead of not knowing at all. You are also assuming many things that your father will fight with your mom’s family and won’t help her sister out anymore. This might not happen, but at least your father will know what that guy did and he won’t help him out, and your parents won’t keep talking about him since they know what he did. Tell your father, but also explain to him that you don’t want him to fight with your mom and her family, and that you just want them to know how you feel about this guy and that they shouldn’t be helping him out. I think you aren’t being fair to your father, because not only is it his right to know what happened to his daughter and what she is going through, but also because you are trying to be protective of your father when he is the one who is supposed to be protecting you, and I am sure that is what he wants to do.

      By the way, please do tell those psychologists that they are wrong. A person’s past doesn’t always haunt them for ever, but you won’t be able to realize this now, because right now, your past is still haunting you, but once that ends in the future inshAllah, whenever that happens, then you will realize that your past is no longer with you and it is what it is, in the past!

    • Siraaj says:

      Well, you’re not stuck – either you’re going to have a nervous breakdown, or you’re going to tell your dad. And if you have your nervous breakdown, it’ll all come out anyway – you may as well just tell him what happened and begin the healing process.

      I understand you’re concerned for your mother’s well-being, and ideally, she should be onboard with you, but you still have to take care of your own health. If you need help, then go get it.

      As always, pick a decision, pray istikhaara, and let the chips fall where they may – do you have any other choices ahead of you?

      Siraaj

  44. a friend in need says:

    hello everyone, everyone here is talking about happy families or those who are about to be one. inshallah. not sure you are my solution provider or spectator of my agony. my wife has developed (or already had) psychological problems (first she left her two possible abodes in this life, while i thought something i might have done wrong, but later she perused her next temp refuges before being caught by authorities at a distant land. I realized she is not in her self. its not her who is doing it. Thank God she is safe) , may Allaah protect her, while two of psychiatrists tried to evaluate my situation as well ( while i have nothing serious condition as of yet Alhamdolillah), how do i reconcile between domestic help while we both need one? Both shrinks echoed that i should not consider having child with her unless i decide to live with her happily enjoying this life and in fact should have treated myself first before getting married in vulnerable situation. Her family immediately try blaming me saying i am responsible for emotional abuse/ or it can be some jinn/evil eye etc. ( i hoped we have good feelings for each other in recent past and give other excuses without lying). This mental illness thing still is a stigma disease even here you don’t want everyone to know your dirty laundry. Besides that, after some simpson’s trial feminist rights are very strong and in this condition (manic episode due to sleeplessness? let experts diagnose that for sure.) she could call 911 anytime and without any ceremony i would be behind bars. (i hope no one gets such a situation)you lose good friends, contacts and everything. Not sure if I should trust anyone and with so many confusing advises to tell this situation to everyone and not worry about individual secrecy/privacy or i should in extreme ideal case just trust in Allaah and hope something good will come out. basically, I never meant harm to her (being worse than qwerty guy story on MM i tried assiduously returning to the sabeel as possible). So what if i was not physically attracted to her from beginning i thought i could stay married for sake of Allaah and base this marriage on mercy ( not sure about what love is yet?) , so that at least when she says , in her sane days, she was/is in love with me. first you don’t get what you want and when you get to marry a girl who says who loves you in today’s days is what i thought besides shallow noticing in a practicing family to someone who said marrying me for who i am because i hid nothing.. call me idiotic for that. Today, not sure how she is ? where she is? i hope she is safe and may Allaah make this situation a cause for removal of her sins and grant us Sabr. all my dreams of being a nice husband with example of the best of husbands and attending those marriage seminars. speaking and living is not same. how come one regret after istikharah before marriage? Now she needs psychological treatment and am not even allowed to even meet/see her. how do i implement values of rasulAllaah in family life when things are going heavily wrong and you are either ignorant or speechless. Allaah does not test you beyond your means. is it in this world or questions/answer on day of Akhirah and how can i still be Grateful? A man is as good as his words they say…Allah knows best.

    • Abd- Allah says:

      Akhi, I’m not sure if I understood everything you said about your situation, but if you made istikharah then put your trust in Allah that whatever happens is what is best for you, and rely on Allah truly with all your heart even if things don’t seem to be going well. May Allah make things easy for you and your wife, and may He fix all your affairs.

      It was narrated that Anas ibn Maalik said: The Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) used to say: “Allaahumma inni a’oodhu bika min al-hamm wa’l-hazn wa’l-‘ajz wa’l-kasal wa’l-bukhl wa’l-jubn wa dala’ al-dayn wa ghalbat al-rijaal (O Allaah, I seek refuge with You from distress, grief, incapacity, laziness, miserliness, cowardice, the burden of debt and from being overpowered by men).” Narrated by al-Bukhaari, 6008.

      It was narrated that ‘Abd-Allaah ibn Mas’ood said: The Messenger of Allaah (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: “There is no-one who is afflicted by distress and grief, and says: ‘Allaahumma inni ‘abduka ibn ‘abdika ibn amatija naasyati bi yadika, maada fiyya hukmuka, ‘adlun fiyya qadaa’uka. As’aluka bi kulli ismin huwa laka sammayta bihi nafsaka aw anzaltahu fi kitaabika aw ‘allamtahu ahadan min khalqika aw ista’tharta bihi fi ‘ilm il-ghayb ‘indaka an taj’al al-Qur’aana rabee’ qalbi wa noor sadri wa jalaa’ huzni wa dhihaab hammi (O Allaah, I am Your slave, son of Your slave, son of Your maidservant; my forelock is in Your hand, Your command over me is forever executed and Your decree over me is just. I ask You by every name belonging to You which You have named Yourself with, or revealed in Your Book, or You taught to any of Your creation, or You have preserved in the knowledge of the Unseen with You, that You make the Qur’aan the life of my heart and the light of my breast, and a departure for my sorrow and a release for my anxiety),’ but Allaah will take away his distress and grief, and replace it with joy.” He was asked: “O Messenger of Allaah, should we learn this?” He said: “Of course; everyone who hears it should learn it.” Narrated by Ahmad, 3704; classed as saheeh by Shaykh al-Albaani in al-Silsilah al-Saheehah, 199.

    • Siraaj says:

      Salaam alaykum,

      Hard to give advice when your post is not clear – best thing I can say is whatever you received, if you prayed istikhaara and followed it correctly, then even whatever difficulty you’re experiencing will come out as a win in the end, insha’Allah. Keep making du’aa.

      Siraaj

      • a friend in need says:

        Guys. Thank you for your time and advice. appreciated.

        what did you not understand?

        everyone here is talking about happy families or those who are about to be one.
        inshallah.
        i hoped and felt happy about subject and happiness others expressed, mash Allaah.

        not sure you are my solution provider or spectator of my agony. my wife has recently developed (or already had) psychological problems

        i was not sure if i should have posted it here or is this the right kind of environment where people fake ignorance or all they wanted is intellectual dishonesty. i asked for help. qwerty guy asked once dozens of months ago same forum, you guys jumped at him for help. lots of teachers saying so much ahas for him. nevertheless, its yet another genuine problem and not sure where its ends are. so once again as i said, its not abnormal or end of the world that someone’s spouse has medical psychological illnesses but what i was worried that if i caused them. i was clarified by my shrink that these illness are not infectious and wont pass from person to person. ( i was skeptical of this because depression fallout does spread right? again i am not a doctor to judge that)

        (first she left her two possible abodes in this life, while i thought something i might have done wrong, but later she perused her next temp refuges before being caught by authorities at a distant land. I realized she is not in her self. its not her who is doing it. Thank God she is safe) ,
        yes in her manic phase which persists still she left her my and her parents house.

        may Allaah protect her. ameen. ameen. Allahumma thumma ameen.

        mean while two of psychiatrists parallely tried to evaluate my situation as well ( while i have nothing serious condition as of yet Alhamdolillah),
        it was me in the begining she insisted should seek help for depressing feelings. i relented on a request that no one should know about it not even her parents. but her lying/backbiting continued. and she did what she does best. may Allah protect her.

        how do i reconcile between domestic help while we both need one? in this post of big man he touch helping out spouse in best way possible. now i dont have kids in fact my shrinks now asked me not to have one with her, due to possibility of furthering complications in next generation. iyadobillah.

        in fact should have treated myself first before getting married in vulnerable situation. i was supposed to understand, study get help and diagnose treat before considering marriage. i always knew there was something strange with my behavior but as long as i was not affecting self or others i let things go as i was able to at least provide for my family. i did not pay attention to self health and mental health was last thing on my mind that i would seek help. and that too in north america miser like me would never dream of bleeding money to psycho-treats.

        Her family immediately try blaming me saying i am responsible for emotional abuse/ or it can be some jinn/evil eye etc.
        Now this is twist. i don’t understand how to get this clear but this is what it is. I know she needs help but am not allowed to see her citing reason that i will be damaging her condition and let her take medicine see doctor etc.

        ( i hoped we have good feelings for each other in recent past and give other excuses without lying).
        Before my dream house with her collapsed, we were reconciling and she rated our relation as almost perfect and i still wanted to know what is that i am not doing to make her happy and wanted to do it.
        Its difficult to get married guys and more difficult to stay married. i am happy for you all mashallah.

        This mental illness thing still is a stigma disease even here you don’t want everyone to know your dirty laundry.

        now nobody likes to tell their secrets to others. but i know there are some genuine people who are reading this post and might make a secret dua for things to sort out and voila it might just work. but again dua only never works alone except with plan and action in right direction.

        Besides that, after some simpson’s trial feminist rights are very strong and in this condition (manic episode due to sleeplessness? let experts diagnose that for sure.) she could call 911 anytime and without any ceremony i would be behind bars. (i hope no one gets such a situation)you lose good friends, contacts and everything.
        my worst fear as to what might happen.

        Not sure if I should trust anyone and with so many confusing advises to tell this situation to everyone and not worry about individual secrecy/privacy or i should in extreme ideal case just trust in Allaah and hope something good will come out.

        basically, I never meant harm to her. period. come on she is my wife. ( and wife does not mean Without Information Fights Everytime)

        (being worse than qwerty guy story on MM i tried assiduously returning to the sabeel as possible).
        How many people remember 2007 qwerty posts on muslimmatters on computer addiction?

        So what if i was not physically attracted to her from beginning i thought i could stay married for sake of Allaah and base this marriage on mercy ( not sure about what love is yet?) , so that at least when she says , in her sane days, she was/is in love with me. Isn’t that enough?
        This was my perspective for premise of our relationship.

        first you don’t get what you want and when you get to marry a girl who says who loves you in today’s days is what i thought besides shallow noticing in a practicing family to someone who said marrying me for who i am because i hid nothing.. call me idiotic for that.
        it means i tried getting marriage and could not. then Allaah gave me this opportunity in which girl came out ( in my perspective again ) and asked me to go meet her parents. me in supreme shock after realization did the needful. Now my shrinks say its just one way people who have daughters try to tie knots of their daughters, put away their responsibilities to responsible shoulders ( mine are responsible? who said that) making them scapegoat.
        I wanted to get out of this get married sunnah thing and learn like abiumar hadith of rasul Allaah and tafseer of Qur’an in great detail, possible to my soul. I thought searching a good mom for your kids is best first training one can do. how much ideal i was thinking before marriage and all cards came down crashing realized that in this world having seen so many women around ( may Allah save us from summer fitna) the bar raised was so high that the homefood did not taste as good and outside food was not allowed to eat, increasing frustration. i have no right to make her life suffer. ain’t i a loser.

        Today, not sure how she is ? where she is? i hope she is safe and may Allaah make this situation a cause for removal of her sins and grant us Sabr.
        Now i knew where she is. not allowed to see her but again hope she will be okay again and will be able to make a good decision insh Allaah.

        all my dreams of being a nice husband with example of the best of husbands and attending those marriage seminars.
        look, i attended all those FoL and LN stuff. Nothing in those seminar could prevent what was happening. at least i did not see its coming. it was written. it was best thing to happen and Allaah knew what he was doing.

        speaking and living is not same. ideality of marriage can be spoken and lived in different ways.

        how come one regret after istikharah before marriage? i made this prayer at lest 7 times before getting married and definitely once before going to her parents for the first time after her insistence

        Allaah does not test you beyond your means. is it in this world or questions/answer on day of Akhirah and how can i still be Grateful?
        This was a question, still unanswered. anyone?

        A man is as good as his words they say…Allah knows best.

        • Abd- Allah says:

          Akhi a friend in need, may Allah bless you and your wife and fix your affairs.

          Let me start by answering your last question and go backwards from there:

          Allaah does not test you beyond your means. is it in this world or questions/answer on day of Akhirah and how can i still be Grateful?

          Yes, Allah does not burden any soul with more than it can bear in this world. Allah will not give us things that we can’t endure. Although everything that happens to us is because of our own hands, and whatever bad that happens to us is because of our sins that we have committed.

          To answer your question how can you still be grateful? We’ll how can you not be?! It is enough of a blessing that you are a Muslim! And as the Prophet peace be upon him said: “How wonderful is the affair of the believer, for all his affairs are good, and that does not apply to anyone apart from the believer. If something good happens to him he is grateful, and that is good for him, and if something bad happens to him he bears it with patience, and that is good for him.” Narrated by Muslim, no. 2999.

          So know akhi, that by being a believer who puts his trust in Allah, that all your affairs are good, even if they don’t seem to be so right now. But even these problems which you are facing with your wife now are because Allah blessed you with a wife to begin with!

          everyone here is talking about happy families or those who are about to be one.

          That might be true for some, but many others don’t have the perfect marriage, and many others are still single (like myself) and many wish that they have a wife but they are not able to get married, so they would love to get married even if they have to go through issues like yours, and many others are already divorced. So don’t think that everyone else is living a perfect happily married life and you are the only one who is having problems with his marriage. So you have plenty to be grateful for, such as being married and having a wife. That in itself is a blessing, and I know it is hard to see it as a blessing when some bad things are coming from it, but although we see these issues as bad, yet they might be good, and Allah knows and we don’t.

          As for you and your wife’s psychological problems, then you need to get treatment for that. I know you don’t like to seek help, I don’t either, but if this is what you really need, and if this is what your wife needs, then you both should seek professional treatment, without forgetting to seek the spiritual treatment for your hearts and souls as well. That includes connecting your heart with Allah and making du’a and asking Allah to help you out. Don’t underestimate the power of du’a. Allah is capable of anything, and He is with His servants when they make mention of Him and remember Him, and if you think good of Allah, then you will not be disappointed. Ease comes with hardship, and when the person thinks that he can’t take things anymore and he is in despair and gives up hope, Allah laughs* because His servant is in despair because Allah knows how close ease will be and that soon He will change His servant’s situation for the better.

          Yes, Allah laughs when we lose hope because He knows how close by is the solution, and He knows that soon ease will come to us after hardship. And how can we lose hope when we have a Lord who laughs?!

          You don’t have kids now, this means you can use your time and resources to take care of your wife and yourself. Once you are settled down with your wife and have all these issues under control and have solved your psychological problems and got treatment for them, then you can get children with your wife inshAllah, and may Allah bless you with many righteous children who will grow up to be good Muslims and benefit the Ummah. But right now, don’t worry about having children until you have solved these issues, and don’t worry about what the shrinks say, inshAllah in due time, Allah will bless you with kids, and everything is in the Hands of Allah.

          As for domestic help, then if both of you need it, then ask for it. I am sure that your family or hers, or both, would offer you help if you ask for it. Also if you do get treatment for your condition then you will be able to have better control over your life.

          I’m not sure where your wife is right now, but you need to take care of her at home in order to help her with her problems. Start learning the deen with her and seek Islamic knowledge, because that will make your eman stronger and will strengthen your relationship with your wife. If she knows what Allah and His Prophet peace be upon him have said about lying, she will think twice before she lies again.

          You should also stop blaming yourself, or blaming her, for what is happening to you both. No you did not cause her these psychological problems. This is just the shaytaan trying to scare you and get you depressed because you think that you caused your wife’s problems. Get these thoughts out of your head and seek refuge with Allah from the devil, and think what can you do now to solve the problems at hand. How can you improve your situation and your wife’s problems, right now.

          By the way, I don’t know who this “qwerty guy” is. I hope he solved his problem by now inshAllah.

          You can still have a nice marriage and be a good husband and take good care of your family. Don’t think that things can never get better. But even if you do give up hope and think that things will never get better, but still, Allah laughs because He knows that soon things will change and your situation will be better! SubhanAllah! Allahu Akbar! This is from the mercy of Allah!

          It is by His mercy, that He makes between the husband and his wife mercy and compassion, so this is from Allah, and even if it isn’t fully there in your relationship yet, but it is Allah that puts it between the two of you, so increase in your du’a especially in your sujud and during the last third of the night, when Allah descends to the sky of this world and answers those who are making du’a and asking Him.

          So what you need to do now akhi is to stop blaming yourself or your wife for the problems that you are both having. Then you should realize that Allah is capable of everything, and that the solution to all your problems is coming soon, you just have to put your trust in Allah alone, and rely on Him alone, and connect your heart with Him alone, and know that no one can benefit or harm you except if Allah has written it for you. The next thing for you to do is to seek professional help for you and your wife and get medical treatment for your psychological problems. It is okay akhi, spill some blood, your body will make more to replace it! Whatever you spend then Allah will give you more in return, so don’t worry about paying for treatment. In addition to that, ask your family or other Muslims to help you out, it will make things easier for you, and Muslims are like one body and they all should help each other out. You also need to start seeking knowledge in Islam with your wife, because it will help you A LOT in solving your problems. Many problems that people have are because of lack of knowledge, and Allah has given us the solution to all our problems, we just need to learn them. And finally, you and your wife should eat honey, black seeds, and drink Zamzam water, and both of you should also perform hijamah (cupping), because this will be helpful in treating your problems as well.

          * Laughing is one of the attributes of Allah. Allah laughs not like the way we laugh, and there is nothing like Allah, so we shouldn’t compare the way we laugh to Him, and we just believe that Allah laughs because the Prophet peace be upon him said so in authentic hadiths.

          • a friend in need says:

            Jazak Allaah khayr for the reply and reminders. Yes, let not shaytaan win in this. I can’t thank Allaah enough. Of the way of thanking him is to be obedient to him. barak Allah feek.

            I wished to take her abroad for her wish to seek knowledge, in fact that was one of reason to marry her; her innate nature to study deen of Allaah particularly the hadith of rasul Allaah, sal Allahu alayhi wa sallam.

            For a fact, I am not allowed to take control of the situation (for her treatment and made to be mere a spectator here) . may be there is some good in that. inshAllaah. Except Dua, you are right, nothing else is available with me. i am sure its easy to track one online but being anonymous is just a way to share your problem and seek help and thats why i am here on this forum anonymously. Alhamdulillah ‘ala kulli haal.

            may Allaah remove some of her sins with this and have mercy on my wife. The only person i can change is myself, ain’t it. But she is not in her best self.

            any Hijamah options in North America?

            Qwerty was a person who led out a similar story of his personal story few years ago in MM comments and that made everyone , i am sure everyone bled in their heart. and I went through much worse for sure…(search for article comments on computer addiction etc here)

            @ Siraaj for flooding your decent article. sorry.

          • Abd- Allah says:

            any Hijamah options in North America?

            I don’t know of any myself, but I’ll let you know akhi once I learn how to do it myself. It is on my long list of things to do. (smile)

  45. muslimah101 says:

    assalamu’alaikum

    @Abd-Allah- “I think you aren’t being fair to your father, because not only is it his right to know what happened to his daughter and what she is going through, but also because you are trying to be protective of your father when he is the one who is supposed to be protecting you, and I am sure that is what he wants to do.”

    yeah, but my parents made and continue to make sacrifices for me and my siblings..perhaps it’s time i do the same? you can’t tell your parents (or anyone else for that matter) everything about your life. some things are better taken to the grave..besides im not making an assumption. i know my dad and i can imagine his reaction..and my mom will kill me. she expects me to forget it like it was something equivalent to a slap on the wrist.

    “A person’s past doesn’t always haunt them for ever, but you won’t be able to realize this now, because right now, your past is still haunting you, but once that ends in the future inshAllah, whenever that happens, then you will realize that your past is no longer with you and it is what it is, in the past!”

    then we have nothing to disagree. my past doesn’t haunt me 24/7. sometimes you just have those moments where you need to be alone and cry..it happens and you will never understand cos a) you’re a guy b) you haven’t been in my situation.

    • Abd- Allah says:

      it happens and you will never understand cos a) you’re a guy b) you haven’t been in my situation.

      Typical way of shooting down my argument based on gender! lol

      I understand that sometimes you just need to be alone and cry. This happens to everyone regardless of what their problems are, but even those moments will go away, because you will have other things to worry about, and other problems that you feel that you need to cry about, and this issue will be long gone in the past.

      well anyhow, may Allah make things easy for you and help you get over this. But remember my words, so that years down the road, when you finally get over this and it becomes a mere incident in your past, you will remember and say, that Abd- Allah guy was right, it was just a phase which doesn’t stay with me for the rest of my life!

  46. muslimah101 says:

    assalamu’alaikum

    @siraaj

    maybe i was exxagerating a bit…i won’t have a nervous breakdown-im not that faint hearted. i bumped into him about 3 and half yrs back at a family wedding. he was acting like he respects me so much *rolls eyes*. i just felt uneasy and angry..

    what other options i have? let me see..
    – maybe if i get married and move out i can control who i want in my house. but that’s not happening in another 2-3 yrs..and Allahu’alam
    – maybe if Alah wills he/his wife won’t find a job here in my city..and then i don’t have to worry about anything.
    – suck it up and live my life

    wallahu ‘alam. i’ll pray istikhara on it inshaAllah.

    ..and i want to aplogize for bombarding your comments section. out of respect, here are my 2 cents on the topic. imo, if the wife is staying at home, then it’s only fair she does most of the house work and the husband should help out. if both the spouses work, then it should be 50-50. that’s my opinion and Allah knows best.

    jazakum Allah khayr br.Abd-Allah and Siraaj.. for taking out time to read and respond to my comments.

    • Siraaj says:

      Alhamdulillaah, I’m glad to read you’ll be ok and insha’Allah, you’ll get through this. Don’t worry about bombarding the comments section, happy to help out or just lend an ear:)

      Siraaj

  47. muslimah101 says:

    i posted a comment adressed to br.siraaj a few seconds ago. maybe it didnt get thru the moderation?

  48. Let's Move on... says:

    Salaam,

    I think this is such a great article written by Br. Siraaj. One thing I don’t understand though, is why everyone is using this as a public forum to discuss their extremely personal problems. Although they may be horrendous and we may sympathize with you, there is always a time and a place for everything. This is not it. It has nothing to do with the post. If you felt that you had no other outlet, and so you posted on here…others tried to tell you about those outlets, so then maybe it was time to start listening to them, instead of jumping the gun and assuming what they were already going to say. While many people are Mashallah very tolerant, they neglected to inform you all that this is not a place to continually discuss your problems. For lack of better words, it does not concern us and is a private matter. I pray to Allah that me may resolve your matters, but please find another place to discuss them.

    I hope I have not offended anyone. Its just a little disheartening to see such a well-written and optimistic post being brought down by such continued comments.

    • a friend in need says:

      +1. Agreed. Very practical information indeed. may allah bless you and your family and increase good in you.

  49. muslimah101 says:

    *let’s move on*-

    “For lack of better words, it does not concern us and is a private matter”

    if you truly feel that way..then you got a problem.

    “the ummah is like one body. any organ of it fall ill, the rest of the body will share in the fever and sleeplessness that ensues.” (Muslim)

    “A believer is a mirror to his brother. A believer is a brother of a believer: he protects him against any danger and guards him from behind.”

    that’s all i have to say

    • Let's Move on... says:

      First and foremost, I stand behind what I said 100%. I said in the post that my intension was not to hurt anyone, but merely display my concern for such private matters being discussed so publicly, on a completely unrelated post.

      Alumdulillah, I do not have a problem. If I displayed my concern that such matters should be discussed privately, does not make me a bad person, or someone who doesn’t care. Like the sister above mentioned there are other sources like the 1-866-NASEEHA line, or even contacting someone personally, which brother Siraaj graciously mentioned for you to even contact him directly. They are basically telling you blatantly without actually saying it, that this IS NOT THE PLACE for such a discussion…and if you have any issues we will gladly help you or find you help, but this is not the place for this discussion. I realize that some people may find it a bit harder to understand something that is not clearly spelled out, but the beauty of our religion is that one makes the other person feel welcomed even while giving Naseeha(advice).

      No one has ever denied anywhere above that we do not want to help. Of course we all do, but lets find the right place to find help, so we may be able to help others going through similar things, and help ourselves also in the process.

      Sometimes, its not about what we say, but its how we say it, when we say it, and where we say it…that matters more than what is being said itself.

  50. muslimah101 says:

    oh and one more thing, i don’t know how any *muslim* can come out and say ‘it doesn’t concern me’. do you think that’s how the Prophet salallahu’alaihee wasallam would have responded? i know there’s a time and palce for everything, but not everyone is lucky like you to have the right outlets at the right time.

    • Let's Move on... says:

      When I say it does not concern us, it is said out of genuine concern for you to find the RIGHT kind of help, from the right resources. How can you be sure that this is the ULTIMATE right place to find the right kind of help you may be in search for? Yes true not everyone has the right outlets, but once you’ve posted on here a few times, and gotten to know some of the right outlets, doesn’t it make sense to take this private discussion into some place private? and discuss it with a therapist that can actually help, rather than just a random audience reading it on a completely unrelated post, who may or may not be able to give you ample advice? just something to think about..

      • muslimah101 says:

        you are right, i was given options. one- contact nasiha – sorry it’s not for me, i don’t live in NA.
        two- contact br.siraaj- i dont know about you, but i feel uncomfortable emailing guys..unless there’s absolutely no choice.

        ..and if an administrator from MM asked me to take this *personal* situation elsewhere, believe me i would.

        that’s all from my end. i dont like to have back and forth conversations w/ someone who can’t understand the circumstances i am in.

        ma-aasalam

  51. sultana says:

    I recently gave birth to a beautiful baby boy and he is 7 weeks old now and by the time it is 5 pm i am burned out and ready for my husband to rescue me. so when he comes home he washes his hands, takes sufyan (my son) and takes care of him till we go to bed. it helps me unwind and i feel like a normal person again :) great article i hope other husbands out there practice this also insha allah

  52. Ummezaynub says:

    Asalamaliakum wa rahmatullahi wa barakatuhu,

    MashaAllah Brother Siraj
    It was a pleasure reading about your epiphany after walking in your wife’s shoes. A beautiful journey it is with the ups and downs. If it was perfect all the time, that would be Jannah. Alhamdulillah for the men in our lives- the ones that do help and the ones that don’t AND for the women who need the help and those who don’t.

    After reading all the comments- May Allah make your life on earth full of ease and if not, your reward is with Allah Subhanwa ta’ala and what a reward it will be. Ameen

    I wanted to forward your article and echoed comments to all the ‘oh we are so liberal’ Aunties, who think the so little of ALL ‘practicing Muslims’ home lives. At one event, one of them went on and on how in ‘progressive’ marriages the partners cook together and workout together, how this is new trend in marriages. When I chimed in… ‘Oh that was the sunnah of our beloved Prophet, we try do it whenever we can.’ The look on her face was priceless!

  53. […] for activities I anticipate will happen on certain days.  For example, I try to give my wife about two hours daily away from the kids so she can relax.  I also allocate time for activities that should happen daily […]

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