I Can’t Stop Thinking About Someone | Night 10 with the Qur’an

This series is a collaboration between Dr. Ali and MuslimMatters, bringing Quranic wisdom to the questions Muslim families are navigating.

The Conversation Nobody’s Having

Here’s a scene playing out in Muslim homes across the world:

Teen: silently struggling with a crush, consumed by guilt, convinced they’re a bad Muslim

Parent: oblivious, assuming their teen “isn’t like that,” avoiding the conversation because it’s uncomfortable

Result: Teen either spirals into guilt-driven despair or abandons halal boundaries entirely because nobody gave them a framework.

Both outcomes are preventable.

But prevention requires a conversation most Muslim parents are avoiding.

What Your Teen Actually Needs to Hear

1. Having feelings isn’t a sin.

The Prophet ﷺ said:

إِنَّ اللَّهَ تَجَاوَزَ عَنْ أُمَّتِي مَا حَدَّثَتْ بِهِ أَنْفُسَهَا مَا لَمْ تَعْمَلْ بِهِ أَوْ تَكَلَّمْ

“Allah has forgiven my ummah for what occurs in their minds, as long as they don’t act on it or speak of it.” (Bukhari, Muslim)

Your teen needs to hear this—from you, not just from a screen.

2. Islam has a framework for managing attraction.

It’s not just “don’t do haram things.” It’s:

• Lower your gaze (practically, including digitally)
• Fast to diminish desire
• Pursue marriage through halal means when ready
• Build taqwa as a genuine protection

3. Silence on this topic is dangerous.

When Muslim parents don’t address attraction, teens get their framework from:

• Non-Muslim peers
• Social media
• Trial and error

None of these produce Islamic outcomes.

The Three Stages of Attraction

Islamic scholarship identifies three distinct stages:

Stage 1: The Initial Glance: Involuntary. Completely forgiven. The Prophet ﷺ taught: “The first glance is forgiven; the second is not.” (Abu Dawud)

Stage 2: The Lingering (or second) Gaze: Choice enters here. This is what “lower your gaze” addresses.

Stage 3: Feeding the Feeling: Instagram stalking. Unnecessary contact. Obsessive daydreaming. This is where most teens actually struggle—and where parental guidance is most needed.

Understanding these stages helps teens shift from: “I’m a bad Muslim for feeling this” (unhelpful guilt)

To: “What am I actually doing with this feeling?” (productive taqwa)

What “Lowering the Gaze” Means in 2026

Classical scholars defined this as avoiding the intentional lustful stare.

In 2026, it also means:

Digitally:

• Unfollowing accounts that feed attraction
• Not stalking their social media
• Muting posts that become obsessive

Socially:

• Not engineering situations to be near them
• Maintaining appropriate group settings
• Avoiding private conversations that cross lines

Mentally:

• Redirecting intrusive thoughts with dhikr
• Not building elaborate fantasies
• Replacing mental dwelling with productive action

This is practical guidance your teen can actually implement.

The Prophetic Prescriptions

The Prophet ﷺ gave two specific prescriptions for managing attraction:

1. Marriage:

“We do not see for those who love one another anything better than marriage.” (Ibn Majah)

For teens at marriageable age: Help them pursue this if possible. Don’t make marriage so inaccessible that haram becomes the only option. Yes, you were able to wait until you were in your late 20’s or early 30’s because your society has guardrails that are no longer present. Your kids are growing up in a society where phone apps are available, and sadly very popular, whose only purpose is to find someone to have sex with that night! You’re asking them to be chaste, so help them, please.

2. Fasting:

“Whoever can afford to marry, let him do so. And whoever cannot, let him fast, for it diminishes desire.” (Bukhari)

Fasting isn’t just for Ramadan. It’s a genuine prescription for managing desire. Encourage your teen to fast regularly—Mondays and Thursdays, or the three middle days of each month, or even more often. It works well and extinguishes desire when no other option is available.

For Parents: The Conversation to Have

What to say:

“I know this might feel weird, but I want you to know that having feelings for someone is completely normal and completely human. Islam doesn’t pretend that those feelings don’t exist—it gives us a framework for navigating them with dignity. I want to be the person you can talk to about this, not someone you have to hide it from.”

What NOT to say:

• “Don’t even think about that”
• “Good Muslims don’t have those feelings”
• “You shouldn’t be thinking about this at your age”
• “Just make du’a and it’ll go away”

These responses:

• Increase shame without providing tools
• Make you the last person they’ll come to
• Leave them alone with something they need guidance for

The Marriage Conversation

Here’s something most Muslim parents in the West avoid:

Early marriage isn’t the problem. Inaccessible marriage is.

When we make marriage:

• Financially impossible until 30+
• Culturally restricted to specific ethnicities
• Dependent on career completion
• Laden with expensive cultural expectations

Funny story: One of my medical school colleagues, a wonderful and handsome young man, wanted to get married. He had actually grown up around a sister who was a close family friend, and they eventually developed feelings for each other. Same ethnic background, two families that already liked one another, and two people who matched on so many levels. It was the perfect story! So, the young man’s mother approached the girl’s mother and proposed. The girl’s mother accepted immediately and was overjoyed. Then they came to a discussion of the mahr (dowry). The boy’s mother said she was uncertain how to approach this topic, but the girl’s mother responded with surprise saying, “Why? The matter is very clear from the Quran. When Musa wanted to get married, the girl’s father proposed that he should work for him for 8-10 years! So, your son should pay the equivalent of 8 years worth of salary as the dowry (which would have amounted to over 300k USD at the time). Easy.” Needless to say, the marriage never happened (this is NOT the Islamic stance on setting the dowry either), despite everything lining up so perfectly, because of cultural greed the likes of which are truly astonishing.

Sadly, too often we’re creating a 10-15 year gap between when attraction happens and when marriage becomes “acceptable.”

And then we’re surprised when teens, and our young adults, struggle with halal behavior or go off and get married to non-Muslims.

Some questions to ask yourself:

• Am I making marriage accessible for my teen when they’re ready?
• Am I prioritizing cultural expectations over Islamic guidance?
• Would I rather my child pursue halal marriage at age 20 or turn to haram?

This isn’t a call to marry off your 15-year-old.

It’s a call to have honest conversations about marriage as a real, accessible option—not a distant goal dependent on impossible prerequisites.

The Taqwa Framework

Ultimately, here’s what Islam teaches:

Attraction is human. Taqwa is the protection.

Not only willpower. Not shame. Not only avoidance of difficult situations.

Taqwa—genuine God-consciousness—that makes you not WANT to compromise what Allah has for you.

When your teen has a strong enough relationship with Allah:

• Halal behavior becomes natural, not forced
• They genuinely want what Allah wants for them

This is why Week 1 (Identity) matters for Week 2 (Relationships).

A teen who knows who they are before Allah won’t need to compromise their values for the approval of someone they’re attracted to.

But, don’t mistake this point for what it’s not. We can’t say that a young person who is struggling with desire “just needs to have taqwa”. Taqwa will carry them and protect them, yes, but desire is human and Allah created that as something natural, with halal channels. Taqwa won’t extinguish desire. We’re not monks, right?

Discussion Questions for Families

For Teens:

1. Have you been carrying guilt about feelings you never chose? How does tonight’s teaching change that?
2. Honestly assess: Are you managing attraction in a halal way? Or feeding it through social media, unnecessary contact, daydreaming, etc.?
3. Do you feel like you could talk to your parents about this? Why or why not?

For Parents:

1. Have you created space for your teen to come to you about attraction without shame?
2. Are your expectations around marriage realistic and accessible? Or have you made halal options feel impossible?
3. How do you model halal relationship boundaries in your own life?

For Discussion Together:

1. What does Islam’s framework for attraction tell us about how Allah designed human beings?
2. How can our family make halal options more accessible and less stigmatized?
3. What does “guarding your chastity” look like practically in our family’s specific context?

Continue the Journey

This is Night 10 of Dr. Ali’s 30-part Ramadan series, “30 Nights with the Quran: Stories for the Seeking Soul.”

Tomorrow, insha Allah: Night 11 – “Toxic Relationships & When to Walk Away”

For daily extended reflections with journaling prompts: https://30nightswithquran.beehiiv.com/

Related:

When to Walk Away from Toxic Friends | Night 9 with the Qur’an

30 Nights with the Qur’an: A Ramadan Series for Muslim Teens