Marriage
The Most Romantic Ramadhaan Ever
 Yup, that’s right – this article is about the two most popular subjects on everyone’s minds right now… Ramadhaan AND marriage! Is that a gasp of shock I hear? Eyes widened with surprise? An uncomfortable silence (or perhaps more vocal outrage) because you think that the already sensitive and ever-so-slightly taboo issue of marriage has nothing to do with something as sacred and holy as Ramadhaan? Ah, but that’s where you’re wrong!
Indeed, Ramadhaan is a time of increased spirituality and ‘ebaadah for us all. A time when our hearts seek the serenity and tranquility of true taqwah, when our tongues are moist with the remembrance of Allah, and our limbs are constant in obedience to Allah. However, much as we all wish that we could live in a beautiful bubble and shut off the whole world for the rest of the month – life doesn’t work that way. Bills need to be paid, food needs to be put on the table, children must be raised, and yes, spouses still have rights over each other that need to be fulfilled.
Married couples all face their own challenges during Ramadhaan. For newlyweds especially, concerns regarding physical intimacy raise many questions about what is and what is not permissable for them to engage in during the days and nights of Ramadhaan. Others wonder how to keep the spark alive during the month, when everyone’s schedules are in overload. In a time when we’re all concerned about how to devote ourselves religiously and spiritually, we sometimes neglect the societal relationships in our lives, especially when it comes to our marriages. What we might not realize is that while we should indeed strive to perform extra acts of ‘ebaadah, we can’t forget that we have other obligations that are also rewarded by Allah: our duties towards our family. In fact, during Ramadhaan we should not only uphold those rights, but actively work towards improving them.
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So, how do we find a balance between maintaining our personal relationships while focusing on strengthening our spiritual bond with Allah? Contrary to what many may think, the two are not exclusive of each other. In reality, you can do both at the same time! Remember that obedience to Allah is not only in actions such as salaah, thikr, giving in sadaqah, etc. but also in looking after your family. The Prophet (sallallaahu ‘alaihi wa sallam) said that the most excellent dinar is the one spent by a man on maintaining his family (Saheeh al-Bukhari). Thus we can see that what we may consider as every day actions are also, with the right intention, acts of ‘ebaadah for which we are rewarded even in – especially in – Ramadhaan.
That said, here are some excellent tips and words of advice from our very own Sheikh Yaser Birjas, on how to make this the most romantic Ramadhaan ever.
- Set aside time to perform acts of worship with your spouse. Whether it’s praying Tahajjud together, listening to each other read Qur’an, or studying from a book of tafseer, it’s something that will bring you closer to each other, and to your Lord. The Prophet (sallallaahu ‘alaihi wa sallam) commanded the Sahaabah to go back to their families and teach them what they learned. Husbands should not expect five-course meals for iftaar and suhoor. Wives should please their husbands by making a dish that they know he loves, or is a traditional Ramadhaan favourite. Give each other the time and space to have some alone time for ‘ebaadah. Have patience with each other and be good towards each other.
- Fulfill each other’s conjugal rights. “Permitted to you, on the night of the fasts, is the approach to your wives. They are your garments and ye are their garments.” (Surah al-Baqarah, vs. 187) Allah has made it permissable for you in the night, just not the daytime. Ramadhaan doesn’t mean that you have to be suddenly celibate for the whole month. Make sure you check up on the fiqh of intimacy during fasting! (E.g. Permissable to show affection, but don’t get carried away.)
- Talk to each other. It’s easy to get so caught up with daily life in addition to extra Ramadhaan activities, that you end up losing touch with each other. Take the time to ask each other about your day, share inspiring moments, or even ask for advice on how to better yourself. Show that you still care.
- Help each other out. If your wife really wants to go Taraweeh but she’s worried about the kids, arrange something whereby the kids are taken care of (grandparents, perhaps, or another friend or relative) and take her to the Masjid with you.
- Maintain the ties of kinship. Parents and in-laws, as well as other relatives, love to invite you over for iftaar. Take them up on it sometimes, and reciprocate. It doesn’t mean that you have to go out to someone’s house or invite someone over all the time, but it’s nice to do so on the weekends. Newlyweds are happy when they see that their parents and spouses are sharing such a blessed time together; those with children can create beautiful Ramadhaan memories for their family. All in all, it’s an excellent way of maintaining the ties of kinship and even strengthening the love between spouses.
Insha’Allah it’s now clear to us all that just because it’s Ramadhaan, it doesn’t mean that we have to shut ourselves off to our spouses. Rather, we can make Ramadhaan be a time of closeness and increased love, which simply makes the month even more blessed and beautiful!
May Allah make it easy for us to grow closer to Him and our loved ones, ameen.
Note: This post was based on the latest webcast by Sheikh Yaser Birjas, as part of The Marriage Revolution. The lecture was titled “How to Have an Outstanding Marriage This Ramadhaan” and dealt with fiqh of marital intimacy during Ramadhaan, how to grow closer to your spouse, and how to improve your marriage during Ramadhaan.
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iMuslim
September 17, 2008 at 12:53 AM
Being that I’m still single this Ramadan (but no sighing here, it’s all Qadr of Allah!), I still find wisdom in this entry in terms of how we should deal with family in general. I often find myself locked up in my room all day, and might not see my parents till Iftaar time. And then only for a few mins, before we all rush off to pray Maghrib, then Taraweeh, etc etc. It can be hard to find balance… may Allah make it easy for us all. Ameen.
Amatullah
September 17, 2008 at 5:18 AM
ASA, I found my self struggling with just the opposite…taking time out for worship and concentrating in it…instead of ending up chatting or hanging out with the husband & attending iftaar parties. So I guess it depends on the person’s nature, while some may be motivated by the article others may need pushing in the opposite direction. JZK
Angie
September 17, 2008 at 9:08 AM
Barak Allahu fikum for this article.
Sabiha
September 17, 2008 at 9:24 AM
Bismillah
nice one! definitely a good read for the newly weds!
Another tip that goes well with the first point: Both husband and wife should have a lil competition to see who finishes the quran first…remember, its a race for good and we all gotta strive to ace the race!
To each is a goal to which Allah turns him; then strive together (as in a race) Towards all that is good. Wheresoever ye are, Allah will bring you Together. For Allah Hath power over all things. [Surah Baqara, verse 148]
May Allah subhanahu wa ta’ala continue to keep the barakah of all the `ibaadah done during this month and the studying of the quran in our lives throughout the year…ameen…thummameen!
usman
September 17, 2008 at 12:25 PM
Salaam, good article…since i am not married i will keep this in mind for my 1st ramadan with my wife inshallah…keep me in ur sincerest duas this ramadan. salaam
SaqibSaab
September 17, 2008 at 12:51 PM
This one was nice for me and my wife. Her family lives in MI, where five of my uncles from my mom’s side live in the same community. So we spent the past weekend staying at her parents’ and visiting the rest of my relatives. Alhumdulillah we were able to see pretty much all of them within 48 hours and it worked out to be awesome. I’m really glad we made the effort and I’m sure she is, as well.
JAK for the post!
Asim
September 18, 2008 at 1:54 AM
no wife…*tear*…hahaha.
…I thought this was gonna be something on finding a spouse IN ramdan. o well. ill keep this in mind lol.
ibnabeeomar
September 18, 2008 at 1:57 AM
this is so true and so important
Umm Uthmaan
September 18, 2008 at 7:52 AM
An intriguing title sis and a well written article mashallah.
I could tell that you are a newly wed yourself :)
AnonyMouse
September 18, 2008 at 12:00 PM
LOL… the irony is that I haven’t even spent a Ramadhaan with my husband yet…. so techically I’m stil experiencing a “single” Ramadhaan with just my family :p
But next year, insha’Allah, I’ll be able to follow my own advice :)
Faraz
September 18, 2008 at 12:24 PM
Another tip that goes well with the first point: Both husband and wife should have a lil competition to see who finishes the quran first…remember, its a race for good and we all gotta strive to ace the race!
I like this idea a lot, even extended throughout the entire year. It would be neat to be reciting the same surahs every day, and then discussing what we learned, etc.. .I will definitely keep that in mind for whenever I get married insha-Allah.
Yaser Birjas
September 19, 2008 at 11:08 AM
Competing with your spouse is not healthy on the long run. It’s not fair to begin with especially if you have children. You will not have the same equal opportunity to do so. It might be ok for newlyweds or those whose children are already off to school.
When Asmaa’ bint as-Sakan al-Ansariyyah came to the Prophet with her grievance on behalf of women, that they don’t share the same reward for what men can do and they cannot, the Prophet salla Allahu alayhi wa sallam guided her to an area were she can compete in…Husnut taba’aul –treating their husbands kindly and taking care of their things for them. So a woman can get the reward of salat in congregation, fasting nafl, and what her husband usually does, all by focusing on one area. That does not mean she cannot compete…but it is a much relief for her when she sees herself falling short on some Ibadah because of her chores and family duties…she can still rejoice, it’s much easier to get the reward as a wife than any other woman.
The wives of Rasulullah were not known for their Ibadah during his lifetime, but when the Prophet passed away, they became devoted to worship. This is not to encourage laziness among women, but to help them focus their energy where it is needed the most, for their family. Add to this the intention of Ibadah and pleasing Allah, it becomes very rewarding in this dunya and the akhirah. Wallahu a’alam.
Umm Reem
September 19, 2008 at 6:16 PM
SubhanAllah…we used to do that but i never won…not even once…and then i gave up competing!!
But JazakAllah khair Sh. Yaser for you encouraging comment…it does become difficult sometimes to do all that a husband can do while taking care of children and family needs…
But subhanAllah Allah azzawajal has made it easy for us, women, concentrate on one area and enter Jannah from any door they want (inshaAllah)!
Sana K
September 19, 2008 at 7:53 PM
JazakAllahu Khayr for writing this article, and my sincerest gratitude to Sh Yaser for shedding light on this issue. Last Ramadan was my first with my husband and having come back from Umrah it was a great way to start our marriage. This year it’s not the same at all since we’ve welcomed our daughter into our lives. Staying home from the masjid and struggling to catch up on Quran between nap times istaking its toll, but subhanAllah after reading what the Shaykh wrote a sense of relief has settled. InshaAllah now intentions must be remade and InshaAllah the blessings of the month will come from what I least expected =)
Sabiha
September 20, 2008 at 8:30 PM
jazaakAllah khayr Sh. Yasser for your beautiful insight!!! I was speaking from the perspective of a newly wed…but I definitely see the hikmah in your words and how things can get a lil difficult in the long run. So jazaakAllah khayr times million for the heads up! May Allah subhanahu wa ta’ala continue to grant you hikmah from His hikmah! ameen!
Sarah
September 21, 2008 at 1:12 AM
I met my husband in Ramadan. :)
Concerned Wife
October 3, 2008 at 5:54 PM
Al salaamu alaikum; I enjoyed this topic, but in reality this is not true for all. There are many instances where I feel my hustand is not fair with me in regards to intimacy and affection in return. I always try to do my part as a muslim wife and I always make the first move. What is wrong with him? I feel that it should be both ways (he and I). I always ask Allah for my husband to be kind and devoted to me at heart, but now with Ramadan being over may Allah soften his heart !!
Salaam
Juhi khuddose
January 25, 2009 at 5:07 PM
AS-SALAM-ALAIKUM
Jazakallah khair for this topic! i am engaged And Inshallah will get married next year.. Inshallah will try to make my 1st Ramadan after marriage to b the best and will definitely remember this points mentioned by u!
Once again Jazakallah khair!!
May Allah Bestow his Mercy upon all of us Ameen!!
ummasiyaah
August 24, 2009 at 4:44 PM
Assalaamualaikum,
Great article, mashallah and very timely, considering this is my first Ramadan with my husband…I think helping and encouraging each other with acts of ibaadah, especially when there is so much to do is a really good idea.
My husband is, alhumdulillah, very considerate with regards to having a hassle-free iftaar so that I can spend the last 5-10 minutes before iftaar making du’a. We’re also having our Qur’an race this year, although there are some days when I might cheat and decide not to go to Taraweeh just so that I can beat him…lol. Having said that, I’m not currently working, so I could beat him and get ahead while he’s at work anyway! :D
Who knew Ramadan and Romance could go hand in hand? Well clearly, this article obviously states the affirmative!