Post-Ramadan Reflections From A Mother Of Littles

The departure of Ramadan often makes me reflect on my past nine Ramadans as a mother. When I was pregnant with my first baby, I had tried my best to fast, but it was too difficult. I gave birth to her on the 9th day of Ramadan, and just like that, I found myself overwhelmed with the exhaustion and delight of my newborn – along with an entire month of fasts to make up. 

Fasting While Pregnant

It was narrated from Sahl bin Sa’d that the Prophet said:

“In Paradise, there is a gate called Rayyan. On the Day of Resurrection, the call will go out saying: ‘Where are those who used to fast?’ Whoever is among those who used to fast will enter it, and whoever enters it will never experience thirst again.” [Sunan Ibn Majah 1640]

I asked my mother how she fasted while pregnant and raising all six of us, and she shrugged and said she just did. SubhanAllah. May Allah reward all our foremothers for their strength! Inspired by my mother’s example, I was determined not to add to my qada fasts with my subsequent pregnancies.

My sister-in-law gave me an incredible tip about soaking chia seeds overnight and having that for a suhoor drink. That incredibly hydrating drink worked wonders, especially when mixed with lime juice and brown sugar or honey. Sure, I still felt thirsty, especially after I nursed my baby/toddler, but Allah gave me the strength to bear it despite my struggle.

Alhamdulilah, Allah gave me the ability to fast throughout Ramadan while I was pregnant with my second baby and breastfeeding my toddler, and while I was pregnant with my third baby. SubhanAllah, during my pregnancies, my chronic asthma flare-ups – something that could cause me to break my fast when I needed my inhaler – resolved. I’m grateful I didn’t have any other pre-existing or new medical conditions that made fasting too difficult for me. Through the Mercy of Allah , all of my babies arrived full-term and healthy. Every woman and every pregnancy is different, so please consult with your Muslim doctor first. My intention is not to shame those who cannot fast, but a reminder that fiqh-wise, the default is to at least try to fast when one is pregnant and/or breastfeeding. 

Muslim Worldview

“Or who is it that could provide for you if He withheld His provision? But they have persisted in insolence and aversion.” [Surah Al Mulk: 67;21]

Fasting while pregnant and/or breastfeeding can sound unthinkable to non-Muslims. Why would a pregnant woman, responsible for nourishing her baby, abstain from food and water during daylight hours? Isn’t that harmful and irresponsible? This is where the Muslim worldview comes into play. Allah sustains us and our babies, from heartbeat to heartbeat, and from breath to breath. Fasting while pregnant and breastfeeding was and is an exercise in trusting Allah , who keeps us all alive every single day.

That being said, when women do struggle to fast, then Allah’s Mercy is there for us too. In the Shafi’i school of thought, if a pregnant or breastfeeding woman breaks her fast purely for the baby’s well-being, then she has to make it up later and pay fidya. If she breaks her fast due to fear for herself or fear for herself and the baby, then she only has to make up the fast without fidya.

Design for Success

Hisham said, “I asked ‘A’isha, ‘What did the Prophet, may Allah bless him and grant him peace, do in his house?’ She replied, ‘He did what one of you would do in his house. He mended sandals and patched garments and sewed.” [Al-Adab Al-Mufrad 540]

Alhamdulilah, the constant support of my husband and mother-in-law made fasting in Ramadan (and replacing my fasts outside of Ramadan) significantly easier. We divided the chores of getting groceries, prepping meals, and getting our kids washed, fed, and dropped off and picked up from school. As a household with small children and an elder, we prioritized our worship and did not go out for fancy iftars, nor did we host lavish ones. We kept it simple. When we hosted our loved ones for iftar, it was pot-luck style, so we could all share in the barakah. I am so grateful that my mother-in-law and late father-in-law (may Allah have mercy on him) raised a son who actively participates in household duties, just as the Prophet did, which eases the burden from me.

Muslim parents [PC: Patrick Boucher (unsplash)]

I strongly recommend having these division-of-domestic-labor discussions with one’s spouse and/or extended family members before Ramadan. In the Shafi’i school of thought, housework (including cooking) is not the wife’s responsibility – any household task that she does do is considered charity. It makes a difference when the daily responsibility to run a household, prepare meals, and clean up afterward is shared, instead of unfairly assumed to be the woman’s task. This gives wives and mothers the well-deserved opportunity to take turns going to tarawih, read Qur’an in peace, or even just rest and make dua’. It’s important to give children the opportunity to share in the Ramadan reward too by giving them simple tasks like setting the table or putting their dishes away. This way, the whole family gets to worship Allah in Ramadan; united as a team.

Paying Back Fasts

Narrated `Aisha:

Allah’s Messenger (peace and blessings be upon him) said, “Do good deeds properly, sincerely, and moderately, and know that your deeds will not make you enter Paradise, and that the most beloved deed to Allah is the most regular and constant even if it were little.” [Sahih al-Bukhari 6464]

Over the ups and downs of raising little children, it took me many years to pay back my fasts. There were times when my debt to Allah felt endless, and it felt like I would never pay it back. My husband encouraged me to keep going, and to look at the days I had paid back instead of how much I had left.

I sought comfort in the example of our Lady Hajar . She was alone in the desert with a crying baby, and ran out of food and water. She did not collapse in despair and perish with her son. Rather, she ran back and forth, striving to look for sustenance, until Allah miraculously brought about Zamzam at the feet of her crying child.

Instead of viewing paying back my fasts as a burden, it helped to view it through the lens of Allah giving me the opportunity to revisit the spirit of Ramadan throughout the year, and throughout the seasons of my life.

Modeling Contentment

Narrated Al-Qasim:

`Aisha said, “We set out with the sole intention of performing Hajj and when we reached Sarif, (a place six miles from Mecca) I got my menses. Allah’s Messenger ﷺ came to me while I was weeping. He said ‘What is the matter with you? Have you got your menses?’ I replied, ‘Yes.’ He said, ‘This is a thing which Allah has ordained for the daughters of Adam. So do what all the pilgrims do with the exception of the Tawaf (circumambulation) round the Ka`ba.” `Aisha added, “Allah’s Messenger ﷺ sacrificed cows on behalf of his wives.” [Sahih Al Bukhari 294]

I have two young daughters. When the time comes, I want them to love their periods and integrate womb care into their daily lives. This is more likely to happen if they observe me doing the same, through all the seasons of my life, especially when it comes to my worship. Once, I used to be annoyed when I got my period during Ramadan and grumbled about how many days I had to pay back. Motherhood has changed that. I now welcome that time to rest, instead of pushing myself through exhaustion. I am getting better at listening to my body and nourishing myself with herbal tea, food, water, and rest. I am grateful that I am also rewarded for not fasting when I am on my period. Paying back my fasts from my pregnancies has taught me the gift of acceptance, instead of fighting reality.

Making Ramadan Memories

Making Ramadan memories [PC: Masjid MABA (unsplash)]

I hope and pray that over the course of their childhoods, my children’s Ramadan memories and Ramadan traditions will strengthen their connection to Allah not only during childhood, but throughout their lives as adults. Childhood memories like these turn into strong emotional ties related to faith, and will remain in their hearts as they grow older. Sometimes, it is the strength of these positive associations with worship that make it easier for teenagers and young adults to maintain their connection to the Deen even when they are struggling with other spiritual challenges. 

Conclusion

Each Ramadan gives us mothers a beautiful month-long opportunity to fast for Allah’s sake – with the merciful option of breaking our fasts and paying them back alongside a fidya, if it is too difficult for us. Although it takes so much patience and compassion to raise little ones, and even though it can be so difficult sometimes, what comforts me is knowing that these positive memories can carry through their adult lives, long after I am gone.

What we are building, one fasting day at a time, is a bridge to the afterlife, where we await the vast mercy of Allah . May Allah reunite us with our children and all believers in Jannahtul Firdous, and through the door of Rayyan.

Related:

Ramadan With A Newborn: Life Seasons, Ibaadah, And Intentionality

Ramadan Planning for Mothers: Obstacles & Solutions