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A Primer On Intimacy And Fulfillment Of A Wife’s Desires Based On The Writings Of Scholars Of The Past

*For mature audiences only

This short piece is intended to provide insight on the troubling and detrimental lack of understanding among Muslim men for the necessity and virtue of the female orgasm during sexual intercourse in married couples.  The importance of the female orgasm is substantiated by naṣṣ of Qurʾān, corroborated by the ḥadīth of Rasūlullāh ṣallallāhu 'alayhi wa sallam (peace and blessings of Allāh be upon him) , and has been elaborated upon by the fuqahāʾ throughout the centuries.

Many Muslim sisters have taken it upon themselves to tackle the issue online and anyone who has love and concern for the Muslim community should praise their efforts.  In initiating conversation on this matter, they have shown concern, initiative and courage worthy of the followers of Rasūlullāh .  The benefit which their writings, webinars, round-table talks have provided is obvious to anyone who ponders.  It is a known principle among the fuqahāʾ that knowledge is to be imparted to the masses by order of its need and prevalence of troubles within the masses.

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The anonymous testimonies of our Muslim sisters are undoubtedly a justification for drawing the attention of our Muslim brothers to what authentic Islām teaches us on the subject.  It is also known among the fuqahāʾ that women are the only legitimate source of information for matters specific to them; such as the different patterns of menstruation and post-natal bleeding.  Consequently, the only legitimate source for determining whether and to which magnitude the issue of reaching orgasm during intercourse is pertinent to Muslim women is the Muslim women themselves.

A synopsis of the most striking among those anonymous testimonials follows:

Testimonial 1: “Being married for 10+ years Alhamdulillah with 3 kids it’s a journey of pain and frustration in terms of sexual life.  I never knew till some 4 years of marriage that there is something called ‘orgasm’ for females.  I simply cannot explain the emptiness it leaves when he just sleeps calmly leaving me aroused once he is done. He feels hurt when I say I too want to be satisfied.  But my requests to all the brothers out there: don’t be selfish no matter how tired you are. If you want to be satisfied every single time of making love, make sure so does your wife too. Your wife will never be emotionally attached to you if you do not satisfy her with your own love and willingness in bed.”

Testimonial 2: “I am 2 years in this marriage and I’m highly dissatisfied. Because I’m outspoken I have told my husband clearly many times that even if he doesn’t want I do. But it only led to fights and more dissatisfaction. He tried to improve but after it had done enough damage already. He loves me, he kisses and cuddles a lot but his appetite for love making is very poor. I don’t feel desired.  We so often hear [sic] that we should not deny intimacy to the husband but why is it not the other way round too?”

Testimonial 3 “In [my first] 5 years of marriage, I’ve orgasmed once with him though I love him with all my heart. I cannot stress on the importance of a female climaxing and reaching an orgasm with her husband because this has saved our marriage [after he realized how important it was]. It brings a couple so much closer. To all you ladies who think sex is a chore, I can guarantee none of you have ever had an orgasm. Had you had a true orgasm you would be pulling him to bed. It’s the best physical feeling ever and melts away the stress.”

These testimonials speak for themselves, and the verses of Qurʾān, aḥādīth and sayings of the fuqahāʾ below will demonstrate their legitimacy.

The Qurʾān unambiguously affirms the presence of lust in both men and women, without distinction:

“Tell the believing men that they must lower their gazes and guard their private parts; it is more decent for them. Surely Allāh is All-Aware of what they do.  And tell the believing women that they must lower their gazes and guard their private parts” (s. 24, v. 30-31).

In Aḥkāmul-Qurʾān, Qāḍī Abū-Bakr Ibn al-ʿArabī (passed away 543 A.H/1148) comments on this verse as follows: “Just as it is not permissible for a man to gaze at a woman, it is likewise not permissible for a woman to gaze at a man; the man’s attachment to her is no different than her attachment to him.  His [lustful] intent from her is likewise identical to her [lustful] intent from him”.  It is noteworthy that Al-Qurṭubī also relays this statement of Ibn al-ʿArabī in his tafsīr.  This then raises the question: if lust is set to be fulfilled through marriage, then what is the purpose and benefit of such fulfillment?

The Qurʾān provides clear guidance as to the importance of a loving marital relationship.  “And it is among His signs that He has created for you wives from among yourselves, so that you may find tranquility in them, and He has created love and kindness between you” (s. 30 v, 21).  The greatest mufassir among the Ṣaḥāba, ʿAbdullāh b. ʿAbbās, contends that “love is intercourse (jimāʿ)” i.e a loving relationship stems from the act of intercourse. It is simply inconceivable for the relationship to be a loving one, if one of the parties to intercourse is dissatisfied.  Mujāhid and al-Ḥassan al-Baṣrī ascribe the same meaning to love as Ibn-ʿAbbās.

The Qurʾān does not detail the requirements of the act of intercourse. That responsibility is carried out by Rasūlullāh .  While commenting on the verse “And We sent down the Reminder (The Qur’ān) to you, so that you explain to the people what has been revealed for them, and so that they may ponder.” (s. 16, v. 44), Al-Qurṭubī explains: “The Rasūl  explains on behalf of Allāh that which He intends in the rules of ṣalāt and zakāt as well as other commands, by detailing such intent where Allāh has provided  statements which are general in nature”.  This leads us to the aḥādīth below for the guidance of men on how to satisfy their spouses during intercourse.

إذا جامع أحدكم أهله فليصدقها فإن سبقها فلا يعجلها خرجه أبو يعلى عن أنس

“When one of you has intercourse with his spouse, then let him be truthful towards her.  If he happens to precede her then he should not rush her” .

Al-Manāwī comments on this ḥadīth as follows: “He should be truthful in his love and his display of good will towards her.  This means that it is commendable for him to make love to her with strength, resolve and make fine love to her”.

إذا جامع أحدكم أهله فليصدقها ثم إذا قضى حاجته قبل أن تقضي حاجتها فلا يعجلها حتى تقضي حاجتها خرجه عبد الرزاق وأبو يعلى عن أنس

“When one of you has intercourse with his spouse, then let him be truthful towards her.  Then if he fulfills his need before her need is fulfilled, let him not rush her until it is fulfilled”

Al-Manāwī comments as follows: “When he has fulfilled his need from her by reaching climax, then-as a matter of merit-he should not impel her to separate from him.  Rather he should carry on with her until her need from him is likewise fulfilled.  This will only occur by her reaching climax and her lust settling.”.

The next ḥadīth praising a woman whose appetite for intimacy is strong, should therefore not come as a surprise.

خيرُ نسائِكم العفيفةُ الغَلِمَةُ ، عفيفةٌ في فرجِها ، غَلِمَةٌ علَى زوجِها

“The best of your women is the one who is modest yet lustful.  She is modest with regards to her private parts (towards strange men) while she is lustful towards her husband”.

Al Manāwī comments as follows: “The modest woman refrains from the ḥarām. For her to be lustful means that her carnal desire is restless. However, such restlessness is not praiseworthy in an absolute sense, as explained by the ensuing part of the ḥadīth i.e she is modest towards strange men”.

The above references in ḥadith literature are not meant to be exhaustive. Other references exist, and the commentators have been consistent in their explanations.

The fuqahāʾ(jurists) in the Ummah have, from very early on, also unapologetically touched on the subject in the most emphatic and direct manner. Some are quoted below to demonstrate such.

In his commentary of Al-Naṣīḥa al-Kāfiya Ibn-Zukrī, a Moroccan scholar who passed away 400 yrs ago (1133 A.H) quotes from Ibn al-Ḥājj (passed away 737 A.H/1336), Imam al-Ghazālī (passed away 505 A.H/1111) and al-Manāwī (passed away 1031 A.H/1621). The quotations below are directly taken from his commentary on al-Naṣiha of Shaykh Aḥmad Zarrūq (passed away 899 A.H/1493). These dates are quoted here to stress on the fact that this subject is not a contemporary one, it is rather a subject that has existed from the very time Muslim scholarship has. What is most pertinent here is the unambiguous language the fuqahāʾ use to get their point across.

“And softness towards the woman, until her fluid mixes with the fluid of the man, is certain to induce love for her and for him as well”.

Ibn-ʿArdūn explains: ‘The author of al-īdāḥ explains: whenever their two fluids blend together at the same moment, it is the utmost form of reaching pleasure, love, affection as well as cementing love. The amount of pleasure and love will be commensurate with how closely in time they blend together’.

The author of al-Iḥyāʾ mentions: ‘And once he has fulfilled his need let him take his time with his spouse until she likewise fulfills her need because her climax may be delayed and to withdraw from her while her lust has been agitated would cause her harm. Differences in patterns of climax inevitably lead to repulsion and discord whenever the husband should reach climax first. It is more gratifying and pleasurable for the woman that she and her husband reach climax simultaneously because  he will be engaged and absorbed alongside her, accommodating thereby her likely shyness [she will enjoy her orgasm without bashfulness]’

In al-Madkhal [Ibn al-Ḥājj] explains: ‘It is fitting for him, when he has fulfilled his need, not to rush to rise because it is among the things which will upset and perturb her.  Rather he should remain agreeable and engaged until he ascertains that her need has been fulfilled.  The intent is to have consideration for her matter because the Nabī  used to advice [men] regarding women just as he used to encourage kindness towards them. At this juncture, it is not possible to show kindness to her without it [the fulfillment of her need]. The man should therefore thoroughly exert himself to achieve that goal, and Allāh will certainly forgive any incapacity’.

Ibn Zukrī then goes on to quote al-Manāwī’s commentary of the two first ḥadiths quoted above.

The author of the Naṣīḥa then goes on to explain, and Ibn Zukrī’s commentary follows:

“And whoever wishes to accomplish that, then let him not come close to her until her breathing becomes intense and her eyes hollow, and that she seeks to remain attached to him; those are signs of her lust having been awakened”

Ibn Zukrī : it is explained in the commentary of al-Waghlisiyya : part of the etiquette of intimacy is to engage in foreplay so that the wife’s heart becomes cheerful and that the attainment of her desire becomes easy. This should be done until the point that her breathing becomes intense, her agitation increases, and she seeks to remain attached to the man, only then should he come close to her [for the act of intercourse].

He continues to say: “Those preliminaries consists in abundant foreplay with her, fondling her breasts and rubbing his penis with her labia”.  Ibn Zukrī explains: the author of the Madkhal explains: ‘When one decides to intimately engage with his spouse, it is befitting for him to refrain from the prohibited behavior which some of the common folk adopt, which consists in approaching their spouses hurriedly. Rather he should not do so until he has played and bantered with her in permissible ways. That includes cuddling, kissing and similar actions, until he sees that she has aroused herself to what he is seeking from her, feels relaxed and takes interest in it. Only then should he approach her. The wisdom of the religious code in this matter is obvious, and it is that the woman desires from the man what he desires from her. If he were to come to her abruptly, he may very well fulfill his need while she would remain upset and her dīn and chastity may be compromised as a result.  If he however does as stipulated, then the matter will be eased for her and her dīn and chastity will be protected’.

End of quotes from Ibn-Zukrī. 

It is clear from the above that the fuqahāʾ have kept within the confines of the Qurʾān and the Sunna and, as is their responsibility, lucidly relayed the information contained therein to the masses, with a full understanding of the pertinence of the subject in society.

This article cannot be complete without mentioning what some of the people of ḥaqīqa i.e taṣawwuf have said on the subject.

Ahmad Ibn Ajība explains, regarding ḥaqīqa: ‘It is derived from the Qurʾān and the Sunna, as well as from the inspirations of the ṣāliḥīn [pious ones] and the spiritual unfoldings [futūḥāt] of the ʿārifīn [gnostics]. The subtle understanding of the Quran and the Sunnah is predominantly found among the ṣālihīn.  Their statements clearly show that.

In his book on the etiquettes of marriage, Muhammad alTihāmī Kanūn (passed away 1915) explains: Abul ʿAbbas Aḥmad b. Yaḥya alWansharīsī says in his abridgment of the nawāzil of alBurzulī: ‘The pious Shaykh AbuBakr alWarraq states: every worldly passion hardens the heart, except the passion of intercourse which in fact softens the heart, which is why the Anbiyāʾused to engage in it’.  It is also mentioned in hadith:

Three things have been made beloved to me among your worldly matters: perfume, women and the coolness of my eyes has been placed in salat’.

In fact, alQurtubi relates the statement from alWarrāq with a prelude explaining how it is said that the desire for intercourse is commensurate with one’s taqwa

Note: We will state the obvious here, that this is true for both men and women, in accordance with what has been stated above regarding their equivalency in the search for carnal satisfaction from one another.

Finally, the author of marginal notes on Tafsīr alJalālayn Aḥmad alṢāwī states: ‘One of the gnostics [ʿārifīn] has mentioned that intercourse is one of the avenues towards reaching [the ma’rifa of] Allāh’.

These last statements from the ṣālihīn should serve as an admonition as well as an encouragement to the Muslim brothers who are lacking in being mindful of their spouse’s sexual needs. They may beg the question: is it a deficiency in taqwā which causes a man to not be mindful of this? It clearly makes the case for an opportunity for spiritual development through the act of intimacy

There are many related subjects which have not been discussed here, as the intent was very specific. However, our brothers and sisters should certainly take it upon themselves to contribute in educating the Muslims on those issues. Issues such as: the need and importance of marriage counseling; how to nurture a good relationship outside of the bedroom; how to address psychological and/or medical issues related to intimacy; how to educate Muslim adolescents (girls and boys alike) on sexuality, etc. There are, alḥamdulillāh, many competent and articulate brothers and sisters who specialize in different fields, and/or have valuable life experience which can be put to the profit of the Muslim Ummah

And we all ask Allāh for tawfīq.

PDF of sources in Arabic with references

  1. Aḥkāmul-Qurʾān, Vol. 3 p. 380
  2. Tafsīr al-Qurṭubī, Vol. 16 p. 412
  3. Idem.
  4. Tafsīr al-Qurṭubī, Vol. 12 p. 329
  5.  Faidhul-qadīr, Vol. 1 p. 325. Ḥadīth n. 548. 
  6.  Faidhul-qadīr, Vol. 1 p. 325. Ḥadīth n. 549.
  7.  Al-Manāwi mentions that this is mustahab, and he is correct.  However, the statement of istiḥbāb is only to encourage this action, in order to avoid harm to the woman.  If she is being harmed by the lack of satisfaction, then it becomes wājib.  
  8.  Faidhul-qadīr, Vol. 3 p. 493. Ḥadīth n. 4093.
  9.  Sharḥ al-Naṣīḥa, Ibn-Zukrī Al-Fāsī, p. 651.
  10.  Reference from Hikam.
  11.  Qurratul-ʿuyūn bi-sharḥ naẓm ibn-Yaʾmūn, p. 48. 
  12. It is worthy to mention here that the commentators of hadith have determined that “three things” is an addition from the narrator as opposed to being the speech of the Nabi SAW.  Salat is not part of worldly matters. The hadith should therefore be: ‘Among your worldly matters perfume and women have been made beloved to me and the coolness of my eyes has been placed in salat’.
  13.  Tafsir al-Qurtubi, Vol. 6 p. 419.
  14.  Ḥāshiya al-Ṣāwī, Vol. 3 p. 204.

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Mukhtar Ba is a Muslim man in his early forties, who hopes one day to become among the Ṣāliḥīn. He has a strong interest in continuously acquiring and perusing Islamic knowledge. An Industrial engineer by profession, he has strived to assiduously seek sacred knowledge along with his professional activities since the early 2000s. This interest has led him to study with contemporary senior scholars in Mauritania and Senegal, his home countries. He has studied mainly the following subjects: Māliki Fiqh, Arabic grammar, Seerah Nabawiyya, Hadith, Aqeeda and Tasawwuf. He takes a particular interest in Tafsir of Quran, and has translated one volume (out of 6) of a classical Tafsir by a Senegalese scholar of the 20th century, organized in a similar fashion to the Jalalayn. One of his areas of interest is analyzing the intersection between modern issues and traditional sources of Islamic knowledge. He currently resides in Canada.

24 Comments

24 Comments

  1. Avatar

    N

    April 12, 2020 at 3:46 AM

    Many women withhold sex and only have it when they are in the mood.

    • Avatar

      B

      April 12, 2020 at 12:13 PM

      Where did you get this assertion from?

    • Avatar

      Fritz

      April 24, 2020 at 9:08 AM

      Sadly this is par for the course and hardly ever addressed in these kind of forums.

      Using sex as a weapon destroys a marriage and is an example of emotional abuse.

      • Avatar

        Ibnu Khalid

        April 24, 2020 at 1:58 PM

        Any proof?
        Or experience?
        Or are you just bitter?

        • Avatar

          Fritz

          April 25, 2020 at 4:56 PM

          Statistics. Try educating yourself – honestly is there any reason to remain ignorant of key issues in the community

          • Avatar

            Ibnu Khalid

            April 26, 2020 at 12:43 AM

            Why only blame one side?
            Why don’t you be impartial or at least listen to the cries of the other side?
            Or are you and people like you using scare tactics to silence genuine concerns?
            Lets address the issues raised in the article and let’s provide support for both parties involved in marriage..
            It is a genuine complaints and we know of many such cases..
            Please let’s be constructive.
            Shukran jazeelan

          • Avatar

            Fatma

            April 26, 2020 at 4:46 PM

            Mashallah, both of you show good manners. That’s sarcasm in case it wasn’t clear. May Allah forgive us all for out shortcomings. Even when we try to advise each other we become too harsh.

  2. Avatar

    Ibnu Khalid

    April 13, 2020 at 7:25 AM

    Assalamu Aleykum Brothers and Sisters
    Let me say Shukran for Ustadh Ba for bringing up a sensitive topic that needs urgent attention and using classic Islamic texts to show that Muslims shouldn’t be shy in bed.
    Unfortunately, our sisters are suffering silently because the brothers are only focused on themselves…
    Men have to wait for their wives and taking it slow..obviously every case is different but with practice it can be achieved..
    Another point is most of men are out of shape, physically and this hampers their performance..
    There is nothing more beautiful than seeing your wife satisfied..the glow on her face and skin will be ample testimony..and this will bond the two together..
    I am not ignoring other aspects of growth like spiritual and emotional.
    Let us not be shy and let us speak to the wives..if there is an underlying sickness, please seek help and don’t suffer silently.
    Our sisters sacrifice their lives,times, beauty for us..it is only fair that we make them experience the beauty of close contact that will make them rupture in heavenly delight.
    Jazaakumulaahu Kheyran

  3. Avatar

    Q

    April 14, 2020 at 9:30 AM

    Would be acceptable if wife just refrains from husband because she doesn’t want to go through the feelings of “being used”. Especially as husband doesn’t show interest in sex for months.

    • Avatar

      D

      April 14, 2020 at 12:25 PM

      If he hasn’t approached her in months then he has sinned and oppressed her by denying sex. Those are Islamic grounds for divorce. She shouldn’t respond to a sin with another sin. Islam has created an avenue for everything. If she hasn’t sought divorce after months of no sex while still wanting it, then the issue is far deeper than just intimacy.

  4. Avatar

    Ibnu Khalid

    April 15, 2020 at 12:41 AM

    Why will a couple live together and not be intimate for months?
    There are deeper issues here,either from the wife or the husband..or both
    Communication is key..even if the partner is dead silent, then approach close family members and confide in them..
    Maybe even counselling..
    If all avenues are exhausted, then seek divorce…
    Unfortunately most people give up on many important aspects of their lives easily..not just marriage..sometimes the drive is not there nor passion for the particular hobby or activity is absent and many just let it go.
    The difference is, in marriage, there is someone else involved and kids..and if problems occur, which is bound to happen, many just give up quickly..
    You should fight for your husband. You should fight for your wife…fight for your kids.
    Fight for your life and your health and wellbeing..
    But as i said, many don’t have that drive and instead sink deep into depression…
    Please brothers and sisters, a human being is tough and is naturally resilient..
    Lets leave defeatist attitude that we have in the Ummah both in the bedroom and outside the bedroom..
    May Allah guide us all

  5. Avatar

    Maryam

    April 21, 2020 at 11:12 AM

    Why doesn’t this article have more attention? This is exactly what we need to hear in these times. The fiqh of closing a marriage won’t end a Muslim marriage but lack of intimacy will. There is a clear lack of priorities and intentions in some of the other authors. I wish we could get more honest open articles like this that actually show us how beautiful our religion really is.

    • Avatar

      Ibnu Khalid

      April 22, 2020 at 3:06 AM

      Salaam Sister Maryam.
      I totally agree with you…it looks like the readers are ignoring this thought provoking article..
      There are lots of social and moral challenges that we face but it seems that when a writer addresses what touches a raw nerve, most readers retreat and just ignore to contribute..
      What this article raised is what we hear almost daily from couples who are struggling in their marital intimacy and don’t know where to turn..most fall into depression and low esteem, others divert their energies to other activities but few will speak of the elephant in the room..
      Communication is key and we should encourage couples to open up and speak and InShaaAllah, they will rectify the situation.
      Jazaakumulaahu Kheyran

      • Avatar

        Ibnu Khalid

        April 22, 2020 at 4:25 AM

        There is a book that was written by a South African Sheikh on sexual relations..very detailed and explicit..it covers almost all contemporary sexual issues of this century..and it backs up with responses from classical scholars..it will be worth anyone interested to read that book..i think it hasn’t been published yet; there are pdf copies available

        • Avatar

          Nur

          April 28, 2020 at 9:09 AM

          Assalamu alaykum. I want to emphasize the importance of this matter and share with you my story in hope that it helps someone. I am a mother of three, married for almost 20 years. When I first married my husband was more attentive in bed and I didn’t mind him approaching me every night. As time passed (after 2 years) our bed time turned into pleasing him only. He would rush through to satisfy his needs and fall asleep, while I was left wanting countless many times. I spent time dressing up, using perfume, and etc for the bed time so that he knows it is special for me too, yet it continued the same. Most nights I would feel frustrated and satisfy myself in the bathroom, unfortunately. In case you are wondering, I tried discussing it with him, but he is not the type to hear others, and it’s not easy to tell your husband he doesn’t satisfy you in bed. I tried hinting, and slowing him down at times, which he took as a rejection. I have then learned to satisfy my needs without him. Years passed and we grew farther apart, many other issues crawling into our marriage. I now feel no attraction towards him, every time he gets close I pray it ends quick, it almost feels like a rape while I lay clenching my teeth and fist, silently crying at times. Only thought playing in mind is that I don’t want angels to curse me for rejecting my husband. Yes, I have considered divorcing several times, but it does no good to kids. Our bed issue is not the only one to blame for our miserable marriage, but it certainly played its role, and is still playing. I can’t open up to him in bed any more, I tried and tried, but his touch feels disgusting to me now. Marriage counseling works only when both parties agree, which he won’t, he points fingers at everyone but himself when it comes to fixing issues. I know some people will judge and blame, and others try throwing advice. Please keep it all to yourself. Salam.

          • Avatar

            Sar

            April 28, 2020 at 10:40 AM

            Salam

            I would just encourage you to realize that’s it’s your choice to remain in the marriage. If you choose to be patient with it, then fine. Just don’t get frustrated with Allah and start blaming anything else. You have been given avenues in Islam. Many avenues.. You just need the courage to follow them. This is your test from Allah. How will you respond? Know that if your response follows one of the sharia. You would have been guided. If you respond with a response not in Islam, you’ve lost. (Responding to a sin with a sin)

          • Mukhtar Ba

            Mukhtar Ba

            April 28, 2020 at 11:28 AM

            As salamu aleykum wa rahmatullah. I am the author of the article. This is a reply to @Sar. Your comment on @Nur’s post is most inaccurate and misinformed. The rules of fiqh relating to these types of issue and their implications, are much more nuanced than what you have posted. The concerns that the sister has expressed are 100% legitimate. What she requires is some support to resolve this situation. Her post is unambiguous, and is a textbook example of why this is important.

            At the end of the article, I listed a few things which are part of the overall solution to the issues which she has raised. It is a community effort, and a worldwide effort for the Muslims to resolve. We can only resolve it as a community, through community leaders and individuals, men and women alike. The first responsibility lies with the ulama among us. The ulama have many platforms (e.g Jumu’a khutba) to tackle this issue in a way that would have an impact on our communities at large. Unless men hear this from other men and are admonished about it, the issue will not be adressed.

            @Sar: what you mention about the option of divorce is not as straight forward as you present it. Fiqh sets a framework for identifying where the blame lies in a marital dispute, and where the responsibilities lie for repairing harm. However, the fuqaha do not have the solutions to rectify a lacking relationship. That requires wisdom, engagement and concern, which people who are not fuqaha can and should provide.

            This requires a much longer discussion and reflexion, but I thought I would share the above to point out the flaw in your reasoning. The intent is not to belittle you, but just to share another valuable perspective with you and others.

  6. Avatar

    Sar

    April 28, 2020 at 12:16 PM

    and where did i mention divorce? What i said is that she has been given “many avenues” in Islam. The sister said she feels disgust when he touches her. She feels like she is being raped whenever he comes to her. That is no way to live for any human being. Her difficult circumstances will only turn to resentment if they continue. Resentment towards Allah and His Sharia for feeling trapped the way she does. What happens then? thats when people turn to kufr. I was merely reminding the sister that there is a way out, and to seek that way through the sharia. is divorce one way? yes. so is arbitration and seeking good counsel etc. What the sister needs is a direction to move forward, not general useless advice. Its clear shes had enough of that as well. “I know some people will judge and blame, and others try throwing advice. Please keep it all to yourself.” Do you expect her to wait while imams “address” the issue in their khutbas? what happens to this sisters iman? what happens to her emotional state whenever her husband comes to her? is she not suffering now from physical and emotional abuse? I was not telling the sister what to do. If anything, I was directing her to seek solutions through the sharia. If no one tells her that there is a way out and where to look, the resentment will build and her Islam will be in jeopardy. Shes mentioned that shes tried speaking to him and tried asking him to go in for counsel and it hasn’t worked. The sister has clearly made some efforts to rectify her serious problem. Shes on the right track. She just needs more encouragement and she needs to be reminded that she isn’t trapped, and that there is a way out (through the sharia and what it advises). This was my intent.

    • Mukhtar Ba

      Mukhtar Ba

      April 28, 2020 at 12:45 PM

      I’m sorry, but re-read your original post. If you did not mean divorce, then it was poorly expressed and you should refrain from writing. If you are not in a position to advise someone, then it is more appropriate for you to remain quiet. Your post does nothing to help the sister, rather you are also insinuating that she is sinful. She is not sinful, and we have a daleel for it. There are so many questions that need to be asked of the sister before advising her, such as what culture she is from, what country she lives in etc…all which will help provide context as to the best avenues available for her to attempt to resolve her situation.

      • Avatar

        Sar

        April 28, 2020 at 2:48 PM

        May Allah have mercy on you. where did I “insinuate” that she was sinful? Again, you are reading things that aren’t there. Telling her to first realize that it’s her choice to remain in the marriage gives her a starting point to work from, nothing more. Victims need to first realize they do have some power over a situation and how they choose to move forward.

        And if you, a nobody, has been given the avenue to write and share on this platform, then surely random Muslims who happen to read the articles have the right to comment on the articles. Telling someone to “refrain from writing” or “to remain quiet” is a bit self righteous. There are better ways to advise people. I’m open to the idea that I’ve said something wrong. Till now though, I see nothing wrong with what I’ve said. Rather, I only see someone who has read too deeply into what was said and interpreted words in a way far removed from their real intent.

        • Mukhtar Ba

          Mukhtar Ba

          April 28, 2020 at 3:28 PM

          You don’t have to call me “a nobody” for me to know that I’m a nobody. It does not seem that you are able to understand what I have explained. Thank you for your contribution.

        • Avatar

          Ibnu Khalid

          April 29, 2020 at 5:13 AM

          Assalamu Aleykum.
          I think both Sar and ustadh Mukhtar have good points but they both clearly don’t know how to address the points clearly for the other to understand…
          What ustadh Mukhtar raised is a reality that the community is facing..the only difficulty is the solution? Does it only involve the two parties concerned? Do they go for counselling and arbitration? Do they make Sabr for the sake of the kids and other aspects of the marriage? Does the party that feels wronged( in this case,the wife) find other ways of fulfilling her desires within the sharia, and do those ways exist? I will assume fulfilling those desires outside of the marriage is clearly not an option though some will be tempted to go that way..
          Waiting for ulema to address from the khutbah platforms is a long shot…unfortunately today’s Ulema don’t raise many pertinent, pressing issues in the communities…
          What is the solution?
          As i have alluded to in my earlier posts, the solution lies with the MEN…
          It is time the men of the Ummah realise we are letting down our wives and mothers of our kids..
          This depressing situation can only be rectified if men stood up and own up ..
          The other avenues like divorce can be considered but believe me, we will have 1,000s of broken families and that is why i respect many wives who haven’t taken this step out of consideration for their kids lives despite the Hell she lives in..
          Please, Muslim Men…let’s wake up…
          The ball is in our court…
          We can’t behave like the proverbial ostrich..
          Our precious wives and mothers’ dignity and wellbeing is at stake here…
          The article of ustadh Mukhtar has shown some of what can be done to rectify the situation…there are other ways also..
          Please let’s stand up for our wives and save the situation..
          The alternative is pure HELL..

          • Avatar

            billyboi

            April 29, 2020 at 2:36 PM

            you really dont like ibnu khalid haha

            luckily he isnt your husband, or else that would just be another failed marriage for the ummah. I know what youre thinking, “what makes you think im a woman”.

            Youre a woman and an intelligent one at that. Maybe even more so than Ibnu Khalid. Youre also full of assumption. Either way, the banter between you two has been quite enjoyable. May Allah preserve the both of you.

  7. Avatar

    Ibnu Khalid

    April 30, 2020 at 2:02 AM

    @BillyBoi..
    He or she doesn’t have to like me…
    We have to be constructive in our comments and criticism..
    The issue raised in the article are real..
    Unfortunately, today’s men, and i am speaking as a man, due to a combination of factors, including poor diet, sedentary lifestyle, multiple medical issues that hit men from a relatively young age, work, business and financial pressure and lack of knowledge of how to satisfy their wives, and marrying late..all these and others are factors that leave the women high and dry…
    We can discuss the challenges men face when the wife is perennially off sex, for a variety of reasons but that is not the point of the article written by Ustadh Mukhtar…
    Alhamdulilah, our women are understanding and are not too demanding but i think we have let them down…
    For all the men who will read this…please pay close attention to the signs your wife is sending to you if you have been ignoring her…that will give you a good reason to recalibrate your choices in life.
    Jazaakumulaahu Kheyran

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30 Khawaatir in 30 Days- A Parent’s Guide | Day 11: Gratitude

Now that we have learnt about the dua’ of Umm Salama, let’s talk about gratitude.

Question: Let’s all go around and state a few things we’re grateful for.

Those are all really great! Alhamdulillah for all of those! 

Question: Do you know what the opposite of shukr, or showing thanks, is? 

It’s actually the word kufr (unbelief). Sometimes, we complain so much that we hide all the good that Allah subḥānahu wa ta'āla (glorified and exalted be He) has given us and we only see the hardships. 

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Allah subḥānahu wa ta'āla (glorified and exalted be He) wants us to stay grateful for everything He has given us. Our health, our family, our talents, and most importantly, our religion. Allah subḥānahu wa ta'āla (glorified and exalted be He) reminds us in the Qur’an:

وَإِذْ تَأَذَّنَ رَبُّكُمْ لَئِن شَكَرْتُمْ لَأَزِيدَنَّكُمْ ۖ

“And [remember] when your Lord proclaimed, ‘If you are grateful, I will surely increase you [in favor]…” [Surah Ibrahim; 7] 

When Allah subḥānahu wa ta'āla (glorified and exalted be He) tells us, “If you are grateful, I will surely increase you,” He leaves the increase open-ended. 

Allah subḥānahu wa ta'āla (glorified and exalted be He) can give us more in what we thank Him for. He can also give us more appreciation and awareness of the blessings He has granted us. 

Did you know that saying alhamdulillah (all praise is due to Allah) and showing gratitude actually changes the way our brains are shaped, inside our heads? People who show gratitude on a daily basis end up feeling happier too! 

When Allah subḥānahu wa ta'āla (glorified and exalted be He) blew Adam’s raḍyAllāhu 'anhu (may Allāh be pleased with him) soul into him, Adam raḍyAllāhu 'anhu (may Allāh be pleased with him) responded by sneezing, and he said: alhamdulillah. That was the first word that was ever uttered by a human being.

And do you know what the last word will be?

وَتَرَى الْمَلَائِكَةَ حَافِّينَ مِنْ حَوْلِ الْعَرْشِ يُسَبِّحُونَ بِحَمْدِ رَبِّهِمْ ۖ وَقُضِيَ بَيْنَهُم بِالْحَقِّ وَقِيلَ الْحَمْدُ لِلَّـهِ رَبِّ الْعَالَمِينَ 

“And you will see the angels surrounding the Throne, exalting [Allah] with praise of their Lord. And it will be judged between them in truth, and it will be said, “[All] praise to Allah, Lord of the worlds,”’ [Surah az-Zumar; 75] 

Isn’t that amazing? We begin and end with praising and thanking Allah subḥānahu wa ta'āla (glorified and exalted be He)

 Allah subḥānahu wa ta'āla (glorified and exalted be He) reminds us in the Qur’an:

وَإِن تَعُدُّوا نِعْمَةَ اللَّـهِ لَا تُحْصُوهَا ۗ إِنَّ اللَّـهَ لَغَفُورٌ رَّحِيمٌ

“And if you should count the favors of Allah, you could not enumerate them. Indeed, Allah is Forgiving and Merciful,” [Surah an-Nahl; 18]

Question: Even though we won’t be able to list all of Allah’s subḥānahu wa ta'āla (glorified and exalted be He) favors, can each of you think of at least 10?

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Podcast: What’s the Matter with All Lives Matter? | Imam Khalil Abdur Rasheed

In critiquing this response to the Black Lives Matter movement, we must first understand that the All Lives Matter slogan is a reaction to the Black Lives Matter movement by the wealthy, White American power establishment who are part of and have inherited the making of American history, its empire and its consciousness.

All Lives Matter ideology is the transmutation of Malcolm X’s house negro, Edward Said’s exilic intellectual, and Hamid Dabbashi’s house Muslim.Click To Tweet

It is a reminder that those on the minority side of the race relations struggle have not been granted permission to speak out against their oppression nor have they been granted any authority to narrate or complain on behalf of their own plight.

The claim that All Lives Matters is more universally appealing and more Islamic is misleading, and reflects naivety on the part of the one who believes this.Click To Tweet

Article written and originally published on Muslimmatters.org.

Imam Khalil Abdur-Rashid was born in Atlanta, Georgia. He completed his bachelor degree in Social Work, and obtained a Master’s Degree in Islamic Law from Marmara University. He also completed advanced Islamic seminary training and received his full doctoral license (Ijaaza) in Islamic Sciences.

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Khalil holds a Master of Arts in Middle East Studies as well as a Master of Philosophy in Islamic Law both from Columbia University in New York City.  He is now an adjunct professor of Islamic Studies in the Graduate of Liberal Studies Program at SMU and serves as President and Dean of the Yaqeen Islamic Seminary in Dallas.

Read and produced by Zeba Khan.

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30 Khawaatir in 30 Days- A Parent’s Guide | Day 10: The Dua’ of Umm Salama

Now that we have learnt about a good word, let’s talk about the dua’ of Umm Salama.

Today I’m going to share with you a story of a very important woman in Islamic history named Umm Salama raḍyAllāhu 'anha (may Allāh be pleased with her). She was a female companion, which means she was a sahaabiya (female companion)

Umm Salama raḍyAllāhu 'anha (may Allāh be pleased with her) was one of the first people to embrace Islam and she was one of the few Muslims who actually performed the hijrah twice. 

Question: Who can tell me what a hijrah is?

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A hijrah is when someone leaves a place they are in for the sake of Allah subḥānahu wa ta'āla (glorified and exalted be He). The first hijrah was to Ethiopia, where a just Christian ruler named Najashi took in a group of Muslims and took good care of them. 

So Umm Salama raḍyAllāhu 'anha (may Allāh be pleased with her) and Abu Salama raḍyAllāhu 'anhu (may Allāh be pleased with him) went to Ethiopia. After some time living there, they really wanted to go back to Mecca so that they could be next to the Prophet Muhammad ṣallallāhu 'alayhi wa sallam (peace and blessings of Allāh be upon him) and learn everything about Islam. As they waited patiently, news traveled all the way to Africa saying that the Muslims were no longer getting persecuted because Umar ibn al-Khattab raḍyAllāhu 'anhu (may Allāh be pleased with him) and Hamza raḍyAllāhu 'anhu (may Allāh be pleased with him), the uncle of the Prophet ṣallallāhu 'alayhi wa sallam (peace and blessings of Allāh be upon him), had embraced Islam. 

Umm Salama raḍyAllāhu 'anha (may Allāh be pleased with her) and Abu Salama raḍyAllāhu 'anhu (may Allāh be pleased with him) decided to return back to Mecca, and when they did, they realized that it was only a rumor and that the Muslims were still being tortured by Quraysh. So, when the Prophet Muhammad ṣallallāhu 'alayhi wa sallam (peace and blessings of Allāh be upon him) instructed all of the Muslims of Mecca to leave to Madina for the second hijrah, they wasted no time getting ready. 

Question: Do you see how they were so active and didn’t take their Islam for granted?

As Umm Salama raḍyAllāhu 'anha (may Allāh be pleased with her) was about to mount her camel, her tribe, the Banu Makhzum, came and told Abu Salama  raḍyAllāhu 'anhu (may Allāh be pleased with him) that they would not allow him to take Umm Salama  raḍyAllāhu 'anha (may Allāh be pleased with her) to Madina. Then Abu Salama’s tribe, the Banu Asad, takes Salama, his child, away.  Abu Salama raḍyAllāhu 'anhu (may Allāh be pleased with him) could not defend himself against all of these men, so he sets off to Madina.

In just one day Umm Salama raḍyAllāhu 'anha (may Allāh be pleased with her) lost her husband and her child, and she suffers so much because of it. She is in a lot of pain. After some time her cousin starts to feel sorry for her and speaks to the tribes on her behalf. He is then able to reunite her with her son. Then after a year of waiting, Umm Salama raḍyAllāhu 'anha (may Allāh be pleased with her) is finally able to meet her husband in Madina. 

Abu Salama raḍyAllāhu 'anhu (may Allāh be pleased with him) was known to be a very caring husband and courageous man. He fought in the Battle of Badr as well as in the Battle of Uhud. In Uhud, he received a wound that he wasn’t able to recover from. 

Umm Salama raḍyAllāhu 'anha (may Allāh be pleased with her) was so sad the day Abu Salama raḍyAllāhu 'anhu (may Allāh be pleased with him) died, but the Prophet Muhammad ṣallallāhu 'alayhi wa sallam (peace and blessings of Allāh be upon him) taught her to recite a beautiful dua’:

إِنَّا لله وإنا إليه راجعون اللهم أجرني في مصيبتي وأخلف لي خيرا منها 

“We belong to Allah and to Allah is our return. Oh Allah, reward me for my calamity, and replace my loss with something better.”

Umm Salama raḍyAllāhu 'anha (may Allāh be pleased with her) recited this dua’, but in her mind she thought, “Who can be better than Abu Salama raḍyAllāhu 'anhu (may Allāh be pleased with him)?” 

After a few months passed, Umar ibn al-Khattab raḍyAllāhu 'anhu (may Allāh be pleased with him) proposed to Umm Salama raḍyAllāhu 'anha (may Allāh be pleased with her), but she said no. 

Then, Abu Bakr raḍyAllāhu 'anhu (may Allāh be pleased with him) proposed to Umm Salama raḍyAllāhu 'anha (may Allāh be pleased with her), but again she said no. 

Then, the Prophet Muhammad ṣallallāhu 'alayhi wa sallam (peace and blessings of Allāh be upon him) proposed to Umm Salama raḍyAllāhu 'anha (may Allāh be pleased with her) and she accepted. So now, she was not only the mother of Salama, but the mother of all of the believers until the end of time! 

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