#Life

When He Leaves For Her: An Unaccepted Reality In Our Communities

Published

February 22, 2017

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By Umm Aasiya

I’ll never forget the morning I found out that my husband was having an emotional affair with one of my close friends. They were sharing intimate thoughts, desires, and feelings of love with each other. I paced back and forth in the living room where the memories we made were now broken.

My first reaction was to ask him. He wasn’t going to lie. After all, this was the man I trusted more than anything, and he would be the one that would have answers. Little did I know that he was also the man that was going to cause me extraordinary amounts of pain through the choices he made.

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See, Muslims assume that emotional or physical affairs never happen in the Muslim community. I assumed they didn’t either. But they do, and more often than we’d like to admit.

Things had been fairly normal between my husband and I. We had the usual arguments from time to time, but what marriage doesn’t have that? Nothing major had seemed wrong at all, so when I found out about my husband’s relationship with another woman, I blamed myself for it all. All the flaws I thought I had were suddenly magnified in my own eyes.

Why I Stayed

I am not a believer in the statement: “Once a cheater, always a cheater.” I wholeheartedly believe people have the ability to change when they’re given a chance, and sometimes that’s all some people need. A chance.

So I made the conscious decision to stay with my husband and give him another chance. I told myself that I wanted to work things through, that I wanted to stay and fight to save my marriage. I was determined to make it better than it ever was before. So I gave him one chance.

And another.

With each failed chance I found more details revealing the emotional involvement that was still ongoing. With each new detail, a wound that had barely started healing was torn open again. Each tear took longer to heal, and before I knew it I was on the road to self-destruction.

There were countless times my husband was dishonest about what was going on, but I believed him. My blind faith and belief in him came from the amount of trust I put in this man. I had married him based on faith and character, not for money or career. He played a big role within his community, and many spoke very highly of him.

He was such a good man, he had such high standards- and it was because of those high standards that I could not accept that he would consciously cause me so much pain. Therefore I blamed myself.

So did he.

I was made to feel crazy for having suspicions, even when my suspicions turned out to be correct. I was told I was the one that needed serious help, and that I needed to get my issues under control.

In my desperation to make things work I made myself extremely vulnerable. Some may even say I was being naïve. But there I was, ready and willing give all I had in me to save my marriage and the man I had committed myself to. At the end of the day, his heart was somewhere else, but I have no regrets. I know I did everything I possibly could in order to make my marriage work.

It Really Was For Her.

Soon after our divorce, he married her.

Finding out made me feel validated – I wasn’t a crazy woman for suspecting his emotional affair was ongoing. I wasn’t wrong for doubting him when he said he didn’t want her.

Being right was satisfying, but it also tore me apart. Seeing him get married to the woman who broke my home, my family, my life. This woman who had been my friend, my confidant. A sister of mine through Islam. It turned out this woman was really my enemy.

This woman told my husband how much she loved him. This woman wore my husband’s pajamas to bed at night. This woman was now living in the same space that I had shared with my husband.

The man I trusted, respected, and married believing I would spend my entire life with – he married this woman. And now, he was her husband instead.

I don’t know what was worse, living through the affair or being destroyed by the losing fight to save my marriage. I live in the pain of silence while they continue with their lives as though nothing wrong was done. People within my own community accept them and what they’ve done. His family, that I was once a part of, is silent about my disappearance and replacement.

Maybe. Just Maybe.

Maybe I should’ve spoken up instead of trying to protect him. Maybe I should’ve confronted her when I had the chance. Maybe I should’ve done something differently, maybe if I was just stronger…maybe maybe maybe.

I can make a long list out of things I should’ve or could’ve done differently. Or, I can accept that this was all part of Allah’s plan. Like all struggles we go through, we have to remember there is a bigger plan behind the things that happen to us.

Maybe we think we have the perfect plan for our lives… get married, have kids, have an amazing career, and when those things don’t work out for us, we fall into deep depression and disappointment. What we fail to see is that Allah took those things away from us because He is planning to replace what we lost with something better.

“Do they think that they will be left to say “We believe,” and they will not be tried?” [Ankabut:29].

We have to leave it to the One who has the power to create all good, and trust that He will give us good in ways that we never imagined.

To the Woman Dealing with Her Husband’s Affair:

“No person earns any sin except against himself, and no bearer of burdens shall bear the burden of another.” Surah Al-Anam 164

If you’re currently in this situation, please put the burden of blame down before it sets in permanently. We’re all grownups here, and he should never blame someone else for his actions. Flaws in a marriage call for mercy, communication, and compromise – not infidelity.

“As a defense mechanism, the cheating spouse will often talk his/her spouse down and belittle them in order to deflect from their own major sin while also gaining sympathy from the onlookers.”

-Sheikh Omar Suleiman, Infidelity and Misplaced Blame…,

Take care of yourself. Do not neglect your emotional, mental, or physical well-being. Build yourself back up and remember that Allah does not burden any one more than they can bear.

“Allah does not place a burden on a soul greater than it can bear.” Surah Baqarah, 286

It will feel unbearable at times. You may feel like ending it all, or feel like you have nothing left to live for, but in those vulnerable moments, remember that no one understands your pain more than Allah.

When others run out of words of comfort, or begin to understand your pain, remember that Allah understands your heartbreak.

Be Bigger: Allah says: “And who is better in speech than the one who invites to Allah and does righteousness and says, ‘Indeed, I am of the Muslims.’ And not are equal the good deed and the bad. Repel evil by that which is better.” [Fussilat: 33-34]

No matter how much it hurts, keep this in mind: We are commanded to repel evil by doing that which is BEST. It will be hard, but it is crucial that you remember that the reward given to those that have patience in times of hardship is a reward given without measure.

There is a fine line between being patient and staying no matter how bad his treatment of you gets, and how little he cares about rebuilding your trust. If you see no hope for a change to the positive, you should stand up for yourself and know that Allah has something better in store for you.

Dr. Neil Warren, author of Triumphant Marriage, says: “…75 percent of all divorces involve marriages in which at least one partner is emotionally unhealthy.” No matter how much you would like to or how much you try, if the unhealthy individual is not willing to own the problem, confess it, or seek personal restorations, the marriage is headed for disaster.

To the Woman Involved with a Married Man:

No matter how much you try to convince yourself that what you’re doing is justifiable, it is not. If a man is married, regardless of what excuses he gives you, it is not okay to get emotionally or physically involved.

Put yourself into the situation of the woman whose husband you’re “having a good time with.” Could you trust a man who snuck behind his wife’s back? Knowing that he treats his wife in such a way, how could you trust him if you were his wife instead?

Know that this man left his first wife by lying and cheating on her. Know that you are not safe from such behavior.

If you do go through with it all and marry this man, know that you are responsible for destroying the life of another woman and breaking up a family. Congratulations, you’re doing shaytaan’s work for him.

The Prophet ﷺ said: “Iblis places his throne upon water; he then sends detachments (for creating dissension between people); the nearer to him in rank are those who are most notorious in creating dissension. One of them comes and says: “I did so and so.” And he says: “You have done nothing.” Then one amongst them comes and says: “I did not spare so and so until I sowed the seed of discord between a husband and a wife.” Shaytaan goes near him and says: “You have done well.” He then embraces him” (Sahih Muslim; narrated by Jabir Ibn ‘Abdullah).

Even if you care nothing for the betrayed wife, remember that you’re trying to marry someone who cheated on their spouse. Someone who didn’t like what they had at home so they went looking for something better. When your honeymoon wears off, will he go looking for that better someone?

It doesn’t really matter who started it. It doesn’t matter if you were tricked and didn’t know at first that he had a wife at home waiting for him. At the end of the day, Allah knows all the details, He is constantly watching, and everything will be laid out in front of you on the Day of Judgment. Stop it while you still have control, and gain some dignity.

If you don’t do it for anyone else, do it for Allah’s sake. Remember, “…He is with you wherever you are, and He is seeing of what you do.” (57:4)

End the affair to please Him, and He will give you something better.

The Only Way is Up.

In the end I’ve learned that once you hit rock bottom, the only way is up. I can say now that life after such a sordid affair does get better, but, it only gets better with time. In the moment everything is happening you will feel broken and shattered, but everything you go through has a purpose, and it will make you stronger than ever before if you let it.

When we hit our rock bottom, we have to remember that if we turn to Allah, He will make a way out for us, no matter how lost we may feel. My personal journey and struggle is still ongoing but I see glimmers of bright and sunny days ahead, InshaAllah. I will continue to persevere.

I see now the chance that Allah has given me to make myself into a better person, one who has Allah as a Protector, Guide, and Confidant. I am learning to leave it all to Allah, because at the end of the day He knows what’s best for us and we know nothing. In Him I put my trust, and let all those that trust, put their trust in Him. (12:67)

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55 Comments

Salaam Bhatti

February 22, 2017 at 1:48 PM

Very sorry to hear about you going through this. But as Allah teaches us, do not despair! May you keep moving up and up inshallah!

Reply
- Ak
  
  February 23, 2017 at 1:14 AM
  
  Please scroll down and read comment by Ak
  
  Reply
- Islam Hashtag
  
  February 24, 2017 at 3:17 AM
  
  Assalamu Alaikum,
  
  I can feel the emotional turmoil and the pain in you.May Allah give us the strength and patience to accept the qadr of Allah.Do not despair of Allah’s mercy and move ahead in your life.May Allah open beautiful doors of happiness for you.Ameen.
  
  Reply
Simoham

February 22, 2017 at 2:02 PM

I’m so sorry you had to endure this. I’ve been where you are, it’s not a nice place to be. What I’ve learned, however, is these things become distant memories at some point. What helped me was learning to love (someone else) again.

Reply
Talha

February 22, 2017 at 2:03 PM

May Allah SwT give u strength and make it easy for you to deal with this.

I was wondering if you two had any kids?

Reply
E

February 22, 2017 at 2:21 PM

A good lesson looking forward. Your husband wasn’t a “great man”, “religious”, etc. He was most likely below average in his high school and college days. You just didn’t know about it and it only surfaced later in marriage.

He was like the majority who prayed and fast but also filtered, went out, and enjoyed the pleasure of indecent images of woman.

There wasn’t any reason to work out the marriage. Delete and move on. Inshalalh you find someone who is more respectable.

There’s a lot of religious men/women out there, but very few that were truly respectable.

– take it from a college student that saw it all. Girls falling for the wrong guy because he is the communities most cherished boy ;)

Reply
Barbara

February 22, 2017 at 2:47 PM

While overseas I was introduced to a couple and thought the husband was, to be honest, a huge jerk. He criticized his wife for being “fat” when she was in fact 5mos pregnant. I later learned that he had been married before to a very nice sister that everyone loved. He was going behind her back with a student of his, and she finally had enough and divorced him. She married a good brother and they went on to have a few kids, while he married his student and (this is when I had met him) would have to get up and leave the table while we were at a coffee shop to “answer a call.” My husband said that the student/now-wife shouldn’t be surprised, because she was the one on the other end of that phone previously.

May Allah bless you with a good, kind and righteous husband, and give you peace in your heart & all your days.

Reply
TheMuslimShrink

February 22, 2017 at 4:43 PM

This is more common than people realize, and a lot of it has to do with inappropriate gender interactions to begin with. It has become SO common for Muslim men and women to have mixed lunches and dinners, text each other informally, send each other jokes, etc. These lines are being blurred not just among young high school and college age children but also among adults and even elders.

I ask Allah ﷻ‎ to ease your pain sister. I can’t image how difficult this must be to go through. May you have peace and tranquility for the rest of your days.

Reply
S

February 22, 2017 at 4:49 PM

Jazak Allah kheir for this. I’ve been going through this except the other woman is a non Muslim and I have 3 children from my marriage. You really put my feelings and thoughts into words…

Reply
- Ak
  
  February 23, 2017 at 8:24 AM
  
  I feel sorry for you women, I could never do that to my wife. Makes it harder when your single wishing to get married and you see people behaving this way, but I must point out it might no be there fault completely. Wallahi evil exist, and causes things like adultery, fornication, fasha. It’s just not widespread, it’s flying under the radar. Please read
  
  http://ruqyainlondon.com/blog/jinn-ashiq
  
  Reply
  - Ak
    
    February 23, 2017 at 8:28 AM
    
    Also comes from doing this like dating, haram relationships early in life. It makes you less appreciative of women and what you have, but majority of cases are a result of sihr.
    
    Reply
Saj

February 22, 2017 at 5:18 PM

Subhanallah! I cannot believe this!!!, especially as you mentioned when this man positively contributed to community. May Allah give you patience and peace. I would like to remind myself first and everyone that marriage is not always about love, attraction,intimacy etc, loyalty and trust plays a huge part in a blissful marriage. This man was just not meant for you!

Reply
SJ

February 22, 2017 at 5:32 PM

Sometimes for a man or a woman to have a good reputation in the community, doesn’t mean that in an intimate setting – as in a marriage – they will succeed too.
This is an important lesson for us all to learn.
Most of the time emotional baggage from childhood is the reason (75% of divorces are because 1 partner has suffered).

Though it is the worst kind of betrayal and pain, embrace it, don’t deny urself the grieving and loss. That’s the way healthy can begin.
Sister, I pray you find love and happiness, soon. I hope your future husband and you both fulfill each other’s needs completely!
But I also pray that ur ex finds peace, and lifelong togetherness with his current wife- your close friend. And that it’s their last and a lifetime commitment!
Best to give them the benefit of doubt, that they fell in love, and weren’t bad people. Because if the latter was the case, then you too need to learn how to keep the wrong people at a distance, and not open your heart to them.
Lots of duas ur ways and hats off to you for sharing your story sister.

Reply
Your Brother in Islam

February 22, 2017 at 6:05 PM

While I do have sympathy for you and completely disagree with any kind of relation with opposite sex but in your case since you know it happened, why did you give your husband an option of getting a second wife and you continue with your marriage, isn’t it (second marriage) made halal by Allah (s.w.t)?

Reply
- S
  
  February 23, 2017 at 1:45 AM
  
  Islam is a religion for both Men and women. Polygamy is made halal not to reward men, but to provide safety and security for women which is why there are so many conditions to be met.
  
  It is very sad to see Muslims,men in particular abuse Islam to serve their own goals. A marriage is for both-men and women. The husband and wife both deserve to be happy. If it is not the case, Islam gives them the option of divorcing. The physical and psychological needs of a wife is NOT inferior to that of the husband.We don’t know the level of emotional turmoil this sister underwent. To judge is basically inhuman and in Islamic.
  
  For those who say that it was this sister’s fault for allowing her husband to intermingle with the opposite, please listen to how stupid you sound. He is an adult man, in the day of judgment he will be responsible for his actions.
  
  Let’s read this sister’s write up and take lessons from it rather than judging and belittling her sordid situation.
  
  Reply
- Dudette
  
  February 23, 2017 at 10:47 AM
  
  such logic would basically mean that no Muslim marriage is safe from cheating – since its all cheating for the sake of getting a second halal wife. Let’s be real here. I would never marry a man who thinks in such a way.
  
  Reply
- Joan Morris
  
  February 23, 2017 at 3:31 PM
  
  Good question. Polygyny would’ve been the better option than a first divorce.
  
  Reply
Junaid Iftikhar

February 22, 2017 at 6:48 PM

Westernized confused women …smh….. islam is bigger than your emotions … you can still have a happy life and hereafter if you were a true muslim … rather than being on this forum to vent out negatives and show yourself as a true muslim quoting verses … you could rather follow Allah commandment and save yourself misery and both of you girl-friends could live happily with your man and go to heaven …. now you just piling up sins … good luck out there

Reply
- Umm Adam
  
  February 23, 2017 at 9:41 AM
  
  Why should any sane Muslim woman want to stay married to a sneaky, disloyal, emotionally volitile liar? Is that the standard that you would hold for the husbands of your daughters?
  
  How is it ‘stupid and westernised’ to want to be treated with dignity and respect?
  
  Reply
- Waheed
  
  February 23, 2017 at 9:57 PM
  
  Asalamolaiakum Brother Junaid,
  
  I just want to ask you are you internet troll? Or are these your real beliefs?
  
  JazakAllah Khair. Fee aman Allah.
  
  Reply
Hamza

February 22, 2017 at 7:03 PM

I was waiting for a nasty comment, and Junaid and Your Brother in Islam didn’t disappoint, and the first 9 were giving me hope. May God guide you both to better character. FYI I would be happy to say such a thing to both of your faces.

And sister, may Allah bless you and make this trial a means of His drawing you near to Him, His removing veils between you and Him, and His adorning you with deeper knowledge and love of Him. Amin. Peace be upon you.

Reply
Abu

February 22, 2017 at 7:13 PM

Of course it is halal, this is the problem that Muslims have forgotten that a man can have 4 wives. I think this sister is hurt because it was her best friend. She is to be blamed for this as well. Did she let her husband mix freely with her and her best friend? If so she has no one to blame but herself. Before getting married did her and her husband discuss polygamy? She should have been aware that her husband wants polygamy. There are two sides to every story. It’s not always one persons fault. She kept giving him chances? Best thing would have been is to swollen the pride and submit to the polygamy.

Reply
- K
  
  February 25, 2017 at 3:22 AM
  
  How is this the sister’s fault!? Where’s your logic? Did you not read the article properly!? Why didn’t the husband in this case approach his wife about him wanting to pursue polygamy. Why did he lie to his wife when she confronted him about the text messages he was exchanging with the other sister he was not married to. He should have just told the truth and said, “yes, I love her and would like to marry her.” Instead he apologized, said he wouldn’t do it again, and belittled and harassed his wife saying she was over-reacting. It’s not about polygamy. This man’s character is abhorrent.
  
  It’s a disgusting trend of “religious/prestigious” men in our Muslim communities. I was married to a man who studied in Masjid Nabawi in Madinah, memorized countless ahadeeth, Quran, studied a bachelors of Shari3a, gave kutbahs and lead salah at our local masjid when we returned back to North America. All of this facade that he was building up and yet he cheated on me counless times with local prostitutes from Craigslist and women in their 40s who were looking for one night stands, took trips to Europe to also hire expensive prostitutes, was addicted to pornography, beat me, emotionally and mentally harassed me, isolated me from family. He said I was ugly and was never attracted to me and other times said I was the most beautiful and precious person to him in life. He made me believe that I was responsible for his revolting behaviour. Maybe if I lose more weight, maybe if I wear tighter jeans at home….etc. I even suggested at one point that he take a 2nd wife thinking it would help him. He said, “If I find someone good then maybe I will marry her. Will you help me?” And I did try to help him and there was a sister we both agreed on, but he copped out at the end. He was happy having me as his “image wife” and other women on the side. At the very end of our marriage, he was on drugs, alcohol, and cheating with a married Muslim woman…what’s more sickening is after he spent the night with the sister…the very next day he went to lecture at an Islamic centre on principles of Shari3a. The whole thing is sickening.
  
  You’re ignorant and delusional to say that maybe this situation could have been avoided if polygamy was put as an option by the first wife. The problem is this man is sick, doesn’t fear Allah, or have Ihsan and act as if Allah is watching him. It’s an epidemic in our community. More and more families are being broken a part because men devalue, mistreat, and abuse their wives. May Allah protect our Muslim sisters and guide our brothers.
  
  Reply
Jafer

February 22, 2017 at 7:32 PM

If our love Allah then fill up our commitment with him. In sah Allah. Allah will give to better for us. Allah know everything but we don’t know.

Reply
Sister

February 22, 2017 at 8:34 PM

Of course, the commenters suggesting polygamy would be men. Is polygamy in Islam just a way to reward men who can’t keep it in his pants? Should we really reward dishonesty and betrayal?

Reply
- Zawj
  
  February 23, 2017 at 12:08 AM
  
  Why not just get married to her than commit sins?
  
  Why risk your after life? Why ruin your relationship with the Creator? and your first wife? Why not the other with the title of a wife? Do you not see if he did it to the first, he will and can do it to the second.
  
  There’s always two sides to the story. Behaviorally, women speak and men suppress. What’s his side of the story?
  
  Polygny maybe an answer to this mess if accepted by all parties
  
  P.S. Its one thing to dislike polygny but its another low level to call a commandment a cop out or a way to justify a halaal into a despicable act. I think folks need to be careful of what they utter whether be pro or against polygny.
  
  Reply
  - Ak
    
    February 23, 2017 at 1:09 AM
    
    Please read comment by Ak
    
    Reply
  - K
    
    February 25, 2017 at 3:14 AM
    
    Why didn’t the husband in this case approach his wife about him wanting to pursue polygamy. Why did he lie to his wife when she confronted him about the text messages he was exchanging with the other sister he was not married to. He should have just told the truth and said, “yes, I love her and would like to marry her.” Instead he apologized, said he wouldn’t do it again, and belittled and harassed his wife saying she was over-reacting. It’s not about polygamy. This man’s character is abhorrent.
    
    It’s a disgusting trend of “religious/prestigious” men in our Muslim communities. I was married to a man who studied in Masjid Nabawi in Madinah, memorized countless ahadeeth, Quran, studied a bachelors of Shari3a, gave kutbahs and lead salah at our local masjid when we returned back to North America. All of this facade that he was building up and yet he cheated on me counless times with local prostitutes from Craigslist and women in their 40s who were looking for one night stands, took trips to Europe to also hire expensive prostitutes, was addicted to pornography, beat me, emotionally and mentally harassed me, isolated me from family. He said I was ugly and was never attracted to me and other times said I was the most beautiful and precious person to him in life. He made me believe that I was responsible for his revolting behaviour. Maybe if I lose more weight, maybe if I wear tighter jeans at home….etc. I even suggested at one point that he take a 2nd wife thinking it would help him. He said, “If I find someone good then maybe I will marry her. Will you help me?” And I did try to help him and there was a sister we both agreed on, but he copped out at the end. He was happy having me as his “image wife” and other women on the side. At the very end of our marriage, he was on drugs, alcohol, and cheating with a married Muslim woman…what’s more sickening is after he spent the night with the sister…the very next day he went to lecture at an Islamic centre on principles of Shari3a. The whole thing is sickening.
    
    You’re ignorant and delusional to say that maybe this situation could have been avoided if polygamy was put as an option by the first wife. The problem is this man is sick, doesn’t fear Allah, or have Ihsan and act as if Allah is watching him. It’s an epidemic in our community. More and more families are being broken a part because men devalue, mistreat, and abuse their wives. May Allah protect our Muslim sisters and guide our brothers.
    
    Reply
Farwa

February 22, 2017 at 11:37 PM

May ALLAH SWT help you and envelope you in His Rahmah and Love. Heartfelt prayers for you. <3
To these comments telling you to have accepted it, polygamy is allowed yes. Don't think the same can be said for cheating/betrayal/lying. Besides, was this husband treating both wives equally? Were the wife's emotional needs being fulfilled?
What many men who use the permissibility for polygamy to justify immorality fail to understand is that it has some requirements, justice between the wives being one of them. You're following the Sunnah, right? Are you as kind and loving to all wives as the Prophet SAW was?

Reply
J

February 23, 2017 at 2:37 AM

Salam alaykum my dear brothers and sisters
Plz refer to it as polygyny not polygamy which is decreed by Allah
Also refer to fiqh of marriage. Once marriage is decided in the man’s mind he is not to glance or approach her until marriage is confirmed
Allah has the best of plans. In our marriage contract my husband would not marry a 2nd unless I was barren
5 kids later that promise was broken. Some will say he couldnt promise this bc of qadr Allah
It is tough and i won’t discuss details but Allah forgives and guides who he wills
May we be from those who are guided, forgiven and grateful. Ameen

Reply
Yusuf

February 23, 2017 at 2:43 AM

What about one that is single. Mankind search for a spouse and they flirt and text and share their emotions with each other. Young muslims in the MSA may hide from their parents or not hide their feelings for each other. They may not get physical but the same thing is happening with Single people. Should we have an article for single people flirting with each other but not getting physical. Isnt that a bigger statistic. Just thinking about life.

Reply
Yusuf

February 23, 2017 at 2:44 AM

The same way a single guy gets his first wife, would he not follow the same way in getting another wife. Is not having feelings and sharing them very realistic of what would actually happen in real life. He may not try to physically commit zinna for thats a major sin. He did not do that when he was single so hes not doing that when hes married. He is doing the exact same thing when he was single, whatever that may have been. If we judge this type of behavior, we should really look at our youth who are not married, or any single person who tries to get married this way.

Reply
Yusuf

February 23, 2017 at 2:44 AM

If it is the right of a man to have another wife, is doing everything possible to win the heart of a women over ok, excluding physical intimacy. Is that not the same thing single people do(not all)

Reply
- Ayesha
  
  June 2, 2020 at 9:30 AM
  
  Extramarital affairs are explicitly forbidden by Allah. Do not equate an affair and a second marriage. Emotional intimacy the should only exist between a husband and a wife to exist between affair partners. Refer to Surah Maida v5 and Surah Nisa v17-23.
  This situation is a crime which deserves punishment and Allah will judge the lies, deception, betrayal he causes his wife, the one he was supposed to protect. He did not honour his contract in marriage. This wife will suffer from PTSD and trauma for the rest of his life. So please do not insult our beautiful religion by calling haraam halal. Islam tells us not go near adultery, which includes being emotionally intimate with someone outside of marriage. Secret lovers/friends/mistresses ARE FORBIDDEN BY ALLAH.
  
  Reply
Anj

February 23, 2017 at 6:08 AM

I am almost in the same situation where in I have to decide if I will stay in a marriage where my husband will maintain me financially but will not be seeing me and that he refuses to try to have a child with me. I will in sha Allah try to put the prices back and get ahead with my life. Truly allah is the planners of all planners. May Allah rectify all affairs. Ameen. May Allah aid us in all our our hardships ameen. It’s so hard to see the man you marry change through time. SubhanaAllah. Nothing really is permanent

Reply
Nadia

February 23, 2017 at 9:05 AM

I am sorry to hear this Sister. It’s something no married woman (or man if the situation is reversed) would want to go thru.
Easier said than done; but know that Allah has a better plan for you. InsyaAllah. Keep the faith.
You’re in our prayers, may Allah ease this journey for you. Amin.

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InTheSameShoes

February 23, 2017 at 10:23 AM

SubhanAllah May Allah bless you and make it easy. May He send you mercy, protection from evil and an exceptional new spouse.
I have been going though this for the passed 10 years. And yet again right now. I feel stronger than ever now Alhamdulillah took me a bit of time since having a child makes things a little more difficult in the regards of divorce.
Nevertheless, thank you for putting into words what i could not. I feel more or less like I’ve written this. Totally spoke my heart out. May Allah increase you in knowledge and strength.

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Dudette

February 23, 2017 at 10:57 AM

Salaam Umm Aasiya! So sorry to hear about what happened! It’s actually pretty easy to imagine the pain, but I’m afraid to think too much about it, since it would be too painful for me to even imagine! You must be an incredibly strong woman – a true gem. May Allah protect you and strengthen you. Know that the chances of such a thing happening again to you are extremely slim – so it won’t happen again (with 99.99999999999% certainty!)
It’s so brave of you to share your story! The community needs to hear it, and get its act together. Another victim of a similar situation can feel relieved at least to know that she isn’t alone. May Allah reward you for the pain you went through, and your patience and struggle (a true jihad!). You have our support! No man has the right to develop an emotional relationship with another woman…! That is absolutely insane and he would have done it to any other woman anyway – it’s not your fault. Keep your head up and your chin up. You are free from him now.

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Michelle

February 23, 2017 at 11:43 AM

AsSalaamu Alaikum Sister, SubhanAllah, reading your article was as if you were telling my own history (to an exact T).

Alhumdulillah, Alhumdulillah, Alhumdulillah, that time of turmoil was replaced with a truly beautiful gift; my current husband and 3 children. I couldn’t have planned it better and Allah truly knows best. I am so thankful for that time in my life, as I believe it only increased my iman and He gave me something to help me grow. In my heart, I know it was meant to be, and I found my true happiness within a marriage and our family.

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- Ak
  
  February 23, 2017 at 5:10 PM
  
  May Allah bless you your husband and 3 children. May he also protect you guys from the evil eyes and unite you together in jannah Ameen. I love seeing people happy, especially my akhi and ukhti.
  
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Umm Abdullah

February 23, 2017 at 6:44 PM

Assalamu alaykum,
This was a very sad read. I know that these type of issues are common and that they’re things we need to be aware of but I would love to also hear about positive marriages-marriages that are thriving and successful. I know it’s great to be ‘real’ but it can be depressing for a single person who sees marriage as something to look forward to.

JazakAllahu khayr.

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Saima

February 23, 2017 at 11:45 PM

Felt very sad to read the story. I have been through the same situation. But in my case the other woman was already married with 3 kids. Confronted her and told her to stop. She did not at the beginning but eventually when i told her she ll b exposed she stopped …or so i think. My husband is angry with me(she was his employee btw)…now i am anxious about the future. Dunno what to expect anymore…

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Anon

February 24, 2017 at 12:10 AM

For those guys talking about the option of polygamy for the guy: yes, it is allowed. But why would you want to stay married to a person who is weak in his Deen & principles (as evidenced by his lack of hayaa talking to non-mahram women), and does not think twice about emotional betrayal?

Would you mind if your wife talking talking to another man behind your back? Idiots.

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S

February 24, 2017 at 7:49 AM

Thank you for sharing this.
To all the people commenting about what she did wrong or polygamy or “westernisation” ruining Islam…do you not think the woman has suffered enough? Since when were you assigned to judge her? Maybe instead of focusing on what she “should have” done, we should be commending her for her strength to a) live through it and b) be able to share her story to help others.
If you haven’t been through it yourself, you don’t understand. Simple as that. I don’t claim to understand how difficult this has been for you and all I can offer is sincere empathy and pride at how hard this must have been and how brave you have been by keeping your faith in Allah (swt) through such a time.
I’m sorry for the negative comments you have received. I admire you so much.

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Your Sister

February 24, 2017 at 1:41 PM

SubhanAllah your story reopens old wounds. MayAllah grant you strength and a bright future. My husband was talking to my brother’s ex-wife for quite awhile. We are responsible for ourselves, and no one should have to except being in a polygamous marriage just because it’s allowed doesn’t mean it’s right for everyone. It can be toxic for others. My husband was happily married and we still are but it takes a lot to overcome that pain. Thank you for your post as it helps to hear that this is more common then we think.

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Rihab

February 24, 2017 at 11:36 PM

This broke my heart. You lived through every person’s nightmare.

Reading about your husband, he sounds like a highly narcissistic person and he was deflecting responsibility through “gas lighting”. They make you feel crazy for thinking what you’re thinking, and you’re forced to stay beyond reasonable limits. Sister, relationships with narcissists are highly destructive and leave scars for life. Treatment is very important once you are free from their pathology. Inshallah Allah swt guides you to the healing you need.

Ya rab, may your patience, loyalty, perseverance and purity be rewarded with blessings beyond your greatest dreams. Thank you for sharing this inspiring story about patience and faith <3

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Sister

February 25, 2017 at 8:59 AM

May Allah make it easy for you.

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Ahmed

February 25, 2017 at 10:32 AM

Wallahi these are the things i fear the most regarding marriage.

If your husband doesnt repent then i ask Allah to let him taste some of that pain he made u feel. Because why would one be forgiven if the person himself doesnt admit he is wrong?

May Allah give you a better husband my dear sister. Wallahi i admire your response to the situation, i ask Allah to protect me and all the muslims from these things

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A_Dying_Star

February 25, 2017 at 11:20 PM

This is a fantastic read on Polygamy and Islam.

http://ummzakiyyah.com/polygamy_not_my_problem/

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Salma

February 26, 2017 at 12:15 PM

Asalamu alaikum
May Allah make it easy for all of us to see the truth and accept it. May Allah guide us on the right path.

Interesting article – I hope the sister is doing okay InshaAllah.

What I want to point out is that this article was written from the sisters point of view – I would love to hear the brothers point of view as well so we can see the situation for what it really was.

Its not okay that this sister had to go through so much pain and I don’t know what caused this man to go after her friend which I would say is not even a friend to have done this behind her back. Rather than just giving him chances, I wish she tried to understand her husband more and see what he was really wanting from the relationship that he was not getting. Also, the truth could’ve been that they just were not compatible – did he have the right to leave then? Yes he married her – but then again I dunno what the situation was.

Look I knew a situation where the brother was very committed to his family – but him and his wife were two very different people. They got married young and did not realize this until later. She was very arrogant, show offy and loud and he was just a quiet guy that enjoyed the simple things in life. The true colours did not show till later and she was refusing to follow her duties as a Muslim wife.

She wouldn’t show him affection, she was really rude etc but they had 2 children and this man dare not leave the situation because the children were the first priority.

Isn’t it the job of both husband and wife to love each other, try their best to understand each other etc … would it have been wrong for this man to have seeked attention, affection and love from another person?

We’re all humans after all – we need to stay pure at heart and ask Allah to forgive us and make it easy for us… but this man was in a bad situation – a horrible situation.

So for people to always take the woman’s side is not right – and yes men lie and I’m not supporting cheating at all but all I’m saying is – in the end Allah knows best !!!!!

When we try our best to steer a situation – like truly and honestly – then accept it and move on. It was not meant to be.

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asiila

February 27, 2017 at 2:11 PM

salaams:

It’s really so sad and unfortunate that we leave out the one ‘solution’ for the situation = when a man is in love with two women: be husband to both.

having kept polygyny in the closet for so long—apologizing for it, rationalizing it to be used only during WAR and for divorced and widowed women only—well we end up with so many situations like this. how many favors from our Lord will we continue to deny? it’s the rare couple that considers it, even though it’s allowed and halal for all times.

and let’s not forget the abandoned islamic adabs between men and women. honestly, there is a bit too much mixing going on—no real sense of ‘hijab’ with interactions between married and non-married people…can you really be ‘just’ friends with women or men that you are attracted to? and what layer of risk is added when that attraction is to another’s husband or wife?

how much harder are we making it for ourselves by mixing islamic culture (based on examples of Prophet and his ahlul bait) with modern culture that pretends that such mixing is harmless?

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Alhamdulillah

February 27, 2017 at 7:31 PM

Salaam sister, this happened to me just a year ago, except I found out that he was married again with a village woman. He did polygamy but told everyone that he was divorced. We were not divorced. My health was more important to me and my family, so I asked him to divorce me, which he did. Alhamdulillah.

I learned from an Islamic point of view: to see from the Akhirah perspective and so that you will feel at ease inshaallah. But if you see from the worldly perspective, you will only feel revenge, anger and resentment. This is not healthy for the victim.

My kids said to me early on: “.. right now you are in the better position; don’t feel sorry for yourself and make yourself busy.”
Insha’Allah, I told my children.
I tried to understand where they’re coming from.

I had to vent it out like you did and one of my children said to me “to learn to ‘forgive’ is next, after you have been so patient.”

This is because it is more healthy for us and Insha’Allah Allah will help you rise above and compensate you with something better. Whatever it is whenever it maybe.

Some muslim quotes: “He/ she is the enemy, but be cautious and be afraid of your own sins and crimes against yourself.”
As this is worse for us than our enemy.
Ask Allah to guide ourselves from committing sins and crimes against ourselves. This is a better weapon.

In the end it is what it is: I have been reminded to remind myself that – most likely – “you couldn’t fix it, you couldn’t change the outcome and perhaps you had nothing to do with it.”

You can only do your best!
No lying – is a good practice. If we are lucky, Insha’Allah we have Allah’s mercy.
Count yourself lucky sister, that Allah gave you this test.
He wants to elevate your rank if you can pass it successfully. Insha’Allah.

Allah knows best.

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Safiya

November 22, 2017 at 8:30 PM

This is one story tat I read over n over again whenever I feel vulnerable…ur story gav me d strength I Thot I nvr had.. Alhamdulillah…Thanks a lot sis for sharing ur journey…Ur strong..Ur perspective at the end was remarkable…Keep going..Allah is with u..

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Aria

July 24, 2021 at 6:09 PM

I don’t I understand why everyone is talking about polygany, seems like the brother didn’t mention that he wanted two wives, there is nothing in this article to suggest that his intention was to be with both women seems like he only wanted the friend.

So to all the men who as usual are quickly to jump on the woman that is being hurt, he committed adultery with a non mahram, it’s his fault regardless of what was happening in their marriage if you don’t communicate your feelings to your wife how will she know something is wrong? Cheating is not a solution nor does it justify anything so shame on all you men.

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Talha Ubaidullah

March 3, 2024 at 12:42 AM

Jazakallah. I admire your strength in sharing such a personal journey. Your resilience and reliance on Allah’s plan for healing and growth are inspiring. May your path forward be filled with strength, peace, and the realization of better days ahead.

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