Family and Community

More of Everything You Ever Wanted to Know About Intimacy for Muslim Couples

Published

March 29, 2015

MuslimMatters

For mature audiences only

Watch Introduction here

Why many women do not want to engage intimately with their husbands?

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– Erroneous cultural beliefs about female sexuality (Sex is dirty. “Pure” women don’t want sex etc.)

– Unsatisfactory intimate experiences (specifically the lack of climax in women due to the misunderstanding on the husband’s part that his wife is not supposed to reach climax for years)

– Media and books creating an unrealistic portrayal of intimacy and raising expectations

How does culture affects how women think?

Families mutilate female sexuality by teaching girls that:

– Sex is bad

– Sex is dirty

– Good girls don’t even have sexual thoughts before marriage

– So much so that parents or elders of the family won’t hesitate from scaring off the young women from intimacy

Pernicious effects of fallacious teachings about female sexuality:

– Guilt and shame associated with sexual desires

– Damaging self-esteem

– Aversion towards sex

What can women do to change and re-frame if they have been raised with these beliefs?

– Physical and mental exercises to help change a woman’s concept of sex

How are these cultural beliefs wrong Islamically?

– A detailed analysis of how sex is not dirty in Islam

Some Islamic classes and teachers teach that women who feel desire will not attain the pleasures of Paradise.

While others teach sex as charity (sadaqah) based on the hadith, but limit women’s sexuality when charity (sadaqah) is explained as: seeking reward only from Allāh.

Women then start treating intimacy as merely an obligation, with a ‘holier-than-thou’ attitude, not expecting any sensual pleasure. But sadaqah also means truth and giving the best that we have.

– An elaboration on hadith of sadaqah

What are some solutions to counter the way intimacy is introduced in a harmful way to a young man or woman?

– Parenting needs to revolutionized

– Open communication between children and parents

– Parenting workshops

– Open discussions within the communities

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22 Comments

Pingback: Everything You Ever Wanted to Know about Intimacy for Muslim Couples - MuslimMatters.org
- Kent Bayley
  
  December 17, 2015 at 3:58 AM
  
  I cant believe all this is actually believed by Muslims as its not koranic teaching. Woman all around the world in Islam are treated like animals by the males. So do the tens of millions of Muslim men who subjugate there wives all believe its ok. This is a real problem for Islam and one you cannot talk your way out of. The basic teachings of your religion are flawed. Just look to Mohamed as the example who married a 6 year old child. Give me a break people but do join us in the 21st century anytime you wish.
  
  Reply
  - Sq
    
    January 6, 2016 at 9:22 AM
    
    You mean the 21st century that still allows a girl to be married at 12 years old? Check the marriage age in Massachussets USA. Also care to explain what the wrong fundamental teachings are?
    
    Reply
  - Mohamed Naji
    
    May 9, 2016 at 10:24 AM
    
    If you have questions you can go ahead and ask. Otherwise please be kind and spare us of your wisdom
    
    Reply
- Luna
  
  March 30, 2016 at 1:35 PM
  
  Assalamu Alaikim , my name is Luna and I have serious issues in my 22 years marriage . I want to get help but I am not reaching the right person . I saw this lecture and cry to to get connect with Sister Halah Banani or any other sisters who is expert in marriage counseling . Please I look forward to get back to me soon .
  
  Reply
- mohamed
  
  September 11, 2016 at 3:53 PM
  
  in some areas like subsaharan africa there is what is called Female genital mutilation (FGM) that most people claim its to control womens sextuality.
  does these have impact on the desire of the woman and if so for your advise
  
  Reply
Yahya

March 29, 2015 at 4:26 PM

Last thing a parent would want to talk to a child about is sex. Once married they can explore, speak, and question with their spouse. What on earth is this article trying to accomplish. What happened to couples speaking about their wants and needs.

Reply
- Hena Zuberi
  
  March 29, 2015 at 11:04 PM
  
  Assalamalaykum wa rahmtulah,
  
  If you don’t speak to your children, they will learn about it from the internet, friends, class mates or other adults and you may not like what they are learning. All sorts of information is a click of a button away. You may not want to talk about it but it is imperative that you or your spouse do so in an age appropriate manner.
  
  Reply
- A.L
  
  May 10, 2015 at 9:13 AM
  
  Thats funny because I’m a teenage girl, and my muslim parents NEVER talked to me about sex or anything remotely sexual. I “learned” about sex from seeing certain videos online and researching stuff online at age 11-12. Besides, even if you do talk or not talk to your kids about it, their friends will. Or they will see it online (on purpose or by accident). Get over yourself and stop thinking your kids are different from other kids and wont ever think about sex cuz i can guarantee you, your kids are just the same as other kids.
  
  Reply
Hathoon Bee

March 30, 2015 at 2:23 AM

How does a woman approach this topic with a potential spouse appropriately in a rigidly conservative family and culture? Is this something a woman should even be concerned about prior to marriage? How else can we find out about what expectations the other has?

Reply
- ummayesha
  
  January 6, 2016 at 9:51 AM
  
  Good question Hathoon Bee! I’m curious too.
  
  Reply
hafisa

March 31, 2015 at 3:23 PM

assalam alaikum ….can anyone help me to know umm reem’s email id,i ve a doubt and i want to ask personaly …

Reply
- Aly Balagamwala
  
  April 1, 2015 at 4:55 AM
  
  Dear Sister
  
  Please message her on her Facebook Page https://www.facebook.com/saba.syed.184881
  
  Aly
  
  Reply
  - hafisa
    
    April 1, 2015 at 8:43 AM
    
    assalam alaikum brother ,
    i already gave message through her face book page,but didnt get any response,thats why i asked for email id.
    
    Reply
  - hafisa
    
    April 1, 2015 at 8:47 AM
    
    assalam alaikum brother ,
    thanks for replying me.i ve already messaged her on her face book page ,but didnt get any reply .thats why i asked for her email id.
    
    Reply
fritz

April 5, 2015 at 8:47 AM

Presumably then punishing the other spouse for not doing chores or being late from work by witholding intimacy is also unacceptable?

Reply
Pingback: Everything You Ever Wanted to Know about Intimacy: Erroneous Western Cultural Beliefs about Female Sexuality - MuslimMatters.org
junaid

October 4, 2015 at 1:16 PM

HELP needed.
Slm all. Can someone enlighten me as my wife wants to get a divorce and her reasoning is I have not satisfied her needs. In the time of our marriage. Almost 5 years now. We have not looked for for any counceling.Has she have grounds for a divorce without first trying to fix what is wrong?

Reply
- Kent Bayley
  
  December 17, 2015 at 3:59 AM
  
  Yes of course she does its a free world.
  
  Reply
Ak

November 10, 2015 at 5:57 AM

Want to know about anal sex in Muslim marriages
and oral sex between husband and wife

Reply
- Meer
  
  October 31, 2016 at 1:55 AM
  
  Anal Sex is strictly prohibited in Islam. Not sure about oral sex.
  
  Reply
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