Marriage

One Critical Mistake A Single Muslimah Makes  When Finding Her Mr. Right For Marriage

Published

February 12, 2010

By Yaser Birjas & Megan Wyatt

A while ago, a father came to me for help with finding a potential husband for his daughter. So, I asked him to share her marriage resume with me.

A couple of days later, her father brought me a marriage resume. After looking through her marriage resume, which was quite long, I told the father:

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“I thought you wanted me to look for a potential husband for your daughter, not a job!”

What she described in all those pages could be summarized in two letters: MD.

So, how did she really need to describe herself?

That’s the focus of this article, and that’s just one of the three critical mistakes Sister Megan Wyatt and I shared with everyone very recently in this webinar.

From my years of teaching on the topic of love and marriage, and counseling singles, married couples, and their parents, I can tell you this:

By knowing about this one critical mistake, you will, in sha Allah, learn how to speak about yourself in a way that attracts the kind of brother you are searching for, allows you to keep at bay the brothers you do not want knocking on your father’s door, and prevents you from turning off the very kind of person you are seeking.

Now, let’s get into the details of that one mistake.

When Sister Megan Wyatt was conducting interviews with single Muslim sisters ages 25-30, she asked them to do the following:

“Describe yourself in a few sentences so I could in turn describe you to a brother who I think may be a potential suitor.”

Almost every sister told her what she does not want in a marriage; the kind of brother she does not want to meet. Hardly anyone actually answered the question. The few sisters who did answer gave short, one-liner responses.

The realization was this: many sisters have no idea how to present themselves.

You may be trying to get married in a way that worked in the past, while you are not like the women of the past.

Sixty to seventy years ago, even in this country, a woman’s role in marriage was clear.

Today, at the age of 19 or 20, most Muslim women expect to complete at a minimum a college degree before getting married.

Along with that degree, there is the question of whether or not you want a career, or perhaps just to dabble in the workforce for some time. Do you want to pursue grad school, and if so, who will take care of the kids, if you have any?

We are looking at this without judgment — however, there is something essential to be understood:

The majority of practicing Muslim men in the West, based on our interviews, blogs, and personal conversations with them across the country, despite growing up here are looking for a wife who will fill a more traditional role, that of a stay at home wife; and at the least to be home with future children, in sha Allah.

And we have also learned that many of you want to do just that: get married, and eventually, be there for your family and children in a more “traditional” role.

Now, many brothers are willing to be flexible to a point, but if you ask most of them their preference, this is what they want…

…leading us to that critical mistake:

Not knowing how to describe yourself for marriage.

What happens when the first thing you say about yourself, or your friend says about you is:

“She is 26 years old, and has a degree in chemistry, and she is currently in grad school.” Or, “…is working in a lab called xyz.”

From the brother’s perspective, he hears a description that says little (or nothing) about what he is looking for in a wife, aside from “educated.”

Let’s take another example:

“She is strong and active in Da’wah, is working on memorizing the Qur’an, has a degree in journalism, and teaches in her local Sunday school.”

Again, excellent qualities. It says a bit more about you, but still, for a brother: what is it that he is seeking?

The difficult reality is that brothers are looking for specific qualities, and when they hear them, it alerts them that this is the kind of sister worth considering.

But what happens if no one is describing you in a way, on your behalf, that speaks his language — that highlights the qualities he desires?

The idea of sitting around and waiting for others to find you someone is an option, but it is not necessarily the most proven option, especially these days.

Many brothers are asking other sisters to help them find a wife, because their families may be abroad, or their parents don’t share the same kind of values as them in terms of the deen.

The fact is that today both men and women are taking more of an active role in searching for a spouse on their own, which means that you may need to learn how to represent yourself to some degree — to explain who you are, and what you want in a husband.

So you need to think: How can I describe myself in a way that is truthful, while also telling him about me in a way that interests him?

So many sisters write about themselves as if they are looking for a pen pal! Seriously.

We sifted through the marriage resumes and bio-data of many sisters that we found online. (That’s another point altogether — having full access to a sister’s photo and her details available to complete strangers, without even having to log in!)

Let’s share two examples:

“I currently work as a Respiratory Practitioner and I intend on pursuing my Master’s degree in Occupational Therapy. My hobbies include spending time with family and friends, taking road trips, and traveling the world. I love music and cooking ethnic cuisine! I come from a very loving, understanding, and supportive family.”

“My sister is 26 years old. She is a graduate of ABC University. Currently she is working as a chemist in a big name company. She is a great person with an open mind and a great heart. I am so glad that Allah (swt) blessed me with such a great sibiling. I love her and inshallah if you choose her you will know why she is so great. My sister, XYZ, enjoys reading and going out. She is slim and tall with a great smile. She is not a TV person. She is independent. We are 2 brothers and 2 sisters. XYZ is no. 3 in our little family. I am the older, married sister and I want to help my sister also get married so she can enjoy life like I am doing.”

We got bored reading through these. If we were searching for our own brother, we would think: “Forget this! Everyone sounds the same. Everyone likes to travel, shop, go to the cinema, eat, and everyone says they are a nice and caring person.”

So, what makes those two examples bad?

Reading through thousands of ads like that, here are just a few qualities that we found common in all of them:

Vague
Too long (too many details)
Not to the point
Confused or overconfident
Too personal
Too professional
Too flirtatious
Too good to be true
Too girlish
Too picky (race, culture, qualities etc.)
Confrontational (expecting a war for rights and obligations)
Suspicious

On the other hand, what are the qualities that are common in good descriptions or marriage resumes?

Very realistic in self description and in spousal demands (sounds real)
Balanced in personality and professionalism
Family first
To the point
Very clear language (Accurate spelling and good choice of words)
Natural flow of thoughts

If you’re serious about really getting this concept, we’d like you do a quick exercise (without anyone’s help, just by yourself).

First part of the exercise (three questions):

1) Write down 3-5 sentences describing yourself.

2) Write down 3-5 sentences about what kind of man you are looking for.

3) Write in only one sentence what you will not consider in a man.

It is important that you know how to speak about yourself confidently. It is not humility to be unable to describe yourself, and just smile and fumble over words.

Oftentimes, when we think we are acting humbly we are actually attempting to hide our lack of self-esteem and lack of recognition of the qualities that Allah (subhanahu wa ta’ala) has given us to share with others.

Remember: you are not going around praising yourself; you are describing yourself for marriage. Think about it.

Now, for the second part of the exercise:

Go back and re-read your answers and ask yourself the following:

1) How true are the things I just wrote down? Is this really me? Is this how my friends and family would describe me?

2) What have I said that would be interesting to the kind of brother I am looking to meet?

As you think about the words, phrases, feelings, and qualities that you would choose, you will find that you may have some of the qualities your ‘Mr. Right’ will like and you may have some qualities your ‘Mr. Right’ will not like.

Being too personal is not a good idea. Same is true for being too professional.

Whatever the case is, the keyword you need to remember is: “balance.”

Here is the key concept, the bottom line: Learn how to speak about yourself, learn how to describe yourself in a way that allows you to be confident, and beautiful in your modesty, that will connect with the words and thoughts in the mind of your Mr. Right.

Think about how you want to present yourself — the qualities you want to highlight which matter a lot to him, not what makes you fall in love with your own self!

After all, you are looking for a husband, someone from the opposite gender (not a female friend or a buddy).

Just a side note: if you do use a picture in a marriage resume (with permission from your wali!), please do not try to look like America’s next top hijabi model like the ones you see online, and particularly on the infamous Facebook. Too many sisters try puckering their lips, looking over their shoulders with some sultry pout, etc. which turns off the kind of practicing man you are really seeking.

So, stick to a photo that has hayaa in the image; something normal and natural.

While you are searching for your Mr. Right, remember that in these moments there must be hidden gifts. As Muslims, we are to believe that there is an advantage to every situation in which we find ourselves.

Look at the time that has elapsed, and ask yourself:

“I’m not married, although I’ve been trying for a long time. What is it that Allah wants me to learn? What message, what lesson is waiting for my heart?”

We ask Allah (subhanahu wa ta’ala) to bless you with sabr, first and foremost, because Allah loves those who have patience, and He is close to those who have sabr.

We ask Allah to bring into your life the kind of husband you are searching for, and to allow your journey from start to finish to be a means of growing closer to Allah, finding His rahmah, and leading you to ever-increasing levels of eman.

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Sh. Yaser Birjas

Sh. Yaser Birjas is originally from Palestine. He received his Bachelors degree from Islamic University of Madinah in 1996 in Fiqh & Usool, graduating as the class valedictorian. After graduating, he went on to work as a youth counselor and relief program aide in war-torn Bosnia. Thereafter, he immigrated to the U.S. and currently resides in Dallas, Texas. He is also an instructor at AlMaghrib Institute, where he teaches popular seminars such as Fiqh of Love, The Code Evolved, and Heavenly Hues. He is currently serving as an Imam at Valley Ranch Islamic Center, Irving, Texas. Sh. Yaser continues to enhance his knowledge in various arenas and most recently obtained a Masters of Adult Education and Training from the University of Phoenix, Class of 2013. In addition to his responsibilities as an Imam, Sh. Yaser is a father of four children, he’s an instructor at AlMaghrib Institute, and a national speaker appearing at many conventions and conferences around the country. He is very popular for his classes and workshops covering a wide range of topics related to the youth, marriage, parenting and family life among other social matters related to the Muslim community. His counseling services, in office and online, include providing pre-marital training, marriage coaching and conflict resolution for Muslims living in the West.

58 Comments

shirtman

February 12, 2010 at 6:00 AM

Great stuff!

Reply
Yasir Qadhi

February 12, 2010 at 6:26 AM

Ma sha Allah, great article!

I look forward to part two: The 101 Critical Mistakes Guys Make when Looking for a Muslimah :)

On a serious note, it would be good to write a complementary article from the Muslim male’s perspective.

Reply
- amad
  
  February 12, 2010 at 9:37 AM
  
  I look forward to part two: The 101 Critical Mistakes Guys Make when Looking for a Muslimah
  
  it’s water under the bridge now unless… ;)
  
  Reply
- Ibn Masood
  
  February 13, 2010 at 8:22 AM
  
  Agreed 142%
  
  Reply
- cassiem
  
  October 15, 2014 at 5:28 AM
  
  Seriously! Shukr for putting that out there!
  
  Reply
Ahmed B.

February 12, 2010 at 7:30 AM

MashaAllah, awesome article indeed. I second Sh. Yasir Qadhi’s opinion that the brother’s should receive a complementary article :)

Quick comment: how about citing examples of good self-descriptions people wrote?

Reply
- Sadaf
  
  February 12, 2010 at 8:59 PM
  
  Very valid demand. I second that.
  
  Reply
- SisAnon
  
  February 12, 2010 at 9:51 PM
  
  I third that request. I was thinking the same thing halfway through.
  
  Alhamdulillah good pointers though Shaykh, jazakallah khayr.
  
  Reply
Muslima02

February 12, 2010 at 9:03 AM

As’salaam Aleykum,

Jezzak Allahu Khairan for the posting, and I am cracking up at the line about “the over the shoulder sultry pout” I see it so much and all it does is let a brother know you’re Extremely desperate, wa’Allahu Alim. This is coming from a sister who has friends doing this on a regular basis. Then once the contact is made between them and the potential spouse and he’s way in left field with his practicing – hum, wonder why. You attract what you project.

I was just commenting to my husband that both Brothers/Sisters conduct themselves as if they are shopping at HEB/Walmart on an empty stomach and dinner time is in two hours. We all know when you’re hungry (desperate) you’ll pick up the first thing you see. Often I noticed with my friends that I’ve seen marry in the last couple years is that once they Stop looking and allow the natural process of things to take course (allowing the Wali, community, yourself to mature) the right Brother comes along. The same thing can be said for brothers as well.

Also, I think we’d have to do a separate write-up to deal with the pit-falls plaguing the Black Muslims when seeking marriage, this can not be done with Prt 2 and grouped with ‘Critical Mistakes Guys Make’. This is coming from a Black person who feels like our issues are entirely different, strangely enough. I could go on for days.

Jezzak Allahu Khairan

Reply
- Musa
  
  July 11, 2015 at 2:45 PM
  
  How a person presents him/herself in society determines the kind of people s/he will attract. I could never understand the pseudo-logic of seeing sultry poses as “empowerment” and expecting decent men as life partners at the same time.
  
  Reply
Umm Bilqis

February 12, 2010 at 9:37 AM

Ultimately we are all involved in sales : ))If you are doing dawah, or even if you are trying to sell your spouse or children on your ideas; you are involved in sales and must explain how this will be a benefit to them as well as yourself! Truly it seems more difficult now to get married then even a generation ago. I empathize!

Here is an idea for sisters who wish to get married and live a more traditional life and remember there is nothing wrong with this sentiment.

” I would like to support my future husband by providing a stable, respectful environment in my home. Meaning I will always strive to maintain peace and look out for my family’s welfare at all times.”
” When we do have children I expect to fully address their needs and not occupy myself with the business of strangers.” Which basically means please give me my rights for maintenance and protection : ))

Reply
- time
  
  February 12, 2010 at 10:51 AM
  
  â€ I would like to support my future husband by providing a stable, respectful environment in my home. Meaning I will always strive to maintain peace and look out for my familyâ€™s welfare at all times.â€
  â€ When we do have children I expect to fully address their needs and not occupy myself with the business of strangers.â€
  
  MashAllah, thats really nice!
  
  Reply
  - Umm Bilqis
    
    February 12, 2010 at 10:52 PM
    
    Thank you for that statement> Time.
    
    Sometimes marriage oriented people are focusing on the wrong issues as Sh,Yasir and Megan Highlight.
    
    One quick word of advise for both parties (but especially to the brothers) would be to communicate your vision of married life and then let the potential spouse sign on to this vision.
    
    Quick advise for brothers>>Women like confident men who make them feel secure.
    Quick advise for the sisters>>Mahabba takes a long time to develop and is based on trust and caring.
    
    Reply
Bint Mohamed

February 12, 2010 at 11:09 AM

As salam aleikom,

Jazakallah khair for this article I hope people will follow your advice inshaAllah. This is exactly how I found my husband alhumdulillah. Before I started looking for a spouse, I wrote down what questions I would ask and what answers I would accept. I then asked a close friend of mine if she knew any brothers who were looking. She said she knew of a brother, she described to me his qualities. I was looking for a person, not a person with a certain job, or car, or degree (I think people make this mistake often and forget that all those things can be taken away from us). We chatted by email first, I never sent him my picture because I wanted to have honest answers from him first and not hear him reply in a manner just to please me. Then we agreed to meet (with chaperones), I asked him my list of questions. He now says that was what impressed him the most, that I was clear, and I knew what I was looking for. I also asked other people in the community about his qualities, if he was in good character or not. Alhumdulillah it worked out and I make duaa my brothers and sisters also find their spouse soon inshaAllah.

Reply
- Faruk Ahmed Umar
  
  July 6, 2010 at 10:48 AM
  
  Please Sister Bint Muhammad do share those questions with other Muslims Sisters. Perhaps it will help. Jazakillahu khairan.
  
  Reply
Sincerity

February 12, 2010 at 12:16 PM

The probelm I have is probably that there is no brothers in EastZone and too many eligible sisters m’A. Ever since I have been looking, Alhamdulillah Ive kept it totally Halal (told my married friends, aunties, father, etc) however most good brothers are already taken and those who do come along dont even pray five times a day. SubhanAllah.

InshaAllah everything @ right time, however how are we supposed to meet the like minded people?

Reply
- A Sincere Reality Check
  
  February 12, 2010 at 10:03 PM
  
  The probelm I have is probably that there is no brothers in EastZone […] most good brothers are already taken and those who do come along dont even pray five times a day.
  
  From that one can infer that the Atlantic United States has no Muslims who pray 5 times a day looking to get married.
  
  Com’on Sis, that’s a bit of stretch and I’m not even sure you read the entire article but just wanted to jump in to throw your 2 cents with the ‘no Muslim brothers’ argument otherwise you would have seen this gem Yaser & Megan conclude with:
  
  Look at the time that has elapsed, and ask yourself:
  
  â€œIâ€™m not married, although Iâ€™ve been trying for a long time. What is it that Allah wants me to learn? What message, what lesson is waiting for my heart?â€
  
  Reply
  - Amatullah
    
    February 13, 2010 at 3:24 AM
    
    Please be nice :)
    
    Reply
    - Sincerity
      
      February 13, 2010 at 11:25 AM
      
      It is all good Amatullah.
      
      By the way no offense to those who do attend seminars and bother to dress up. ;)
      
      Reply
  - Sincerity
    
    February 13, 2010 at 11:22 AM
    
    lol U can interpret it however you will, What I meant was pretty clear that those ”who come along” meaning those who come along my way. I was not making a sweeping generalization that no brothers are firm on their Salah. Thats why I asked, how do you meet like minded people inserting that inshaAllah there are brothers who are firm on their Salah and have a strong relationship with Qur’aan.
    
    Oh and yes I am not sitting here wasting my time waiting for some brother rather I took this time as a blessing and utilizing it to the best of my abilities (Working full time & memorizing Qur’aan full time, as oppose to dolling up for a double weekend seminar to get noticed).
    
    Reply
    - ukhti
      
      February 14, 2010 at 10:01 AM
      
      From what I have see as to who gets married, that last one may net you a good husband. The brothers are definitely making looks a big priority.
      
      Reply
      - Dunia's Stranger
        
        February 15, 2010 at 8:44 PM
        
        The brothers are definitely making looks a big priority.
        
        Its like they say sis:
        
        ‘what comes around goes around.’
        
        I’ve had sisters make brothers looks a big priority on my blog (see posts here). arguing they like they way George Clooney’s rocks his beard (i.e. 1/2 inch stuble) rather than Yusuf Islam’s Sunnah beard.
      - Someone Human
        
        February 15, 2010 at 10:42 PM
        
        > The brothers are definitely making looks a big priority
        
        ukhti,
        
        Imagine a practicing brother who struggles EVERYDAY lowering his gaze, fights off all the open temptations, and saves himself for that “special someone” so, in the privacy of his home (after marriage), he does not have to lower his gaze at all!
        
        I’m not talking about a supermodel in hijab, but someone pleasing to the eye.
        
        Would that be an unrealistic expectation from a brother?
      - Sincerity
        
        February 16, 2010 at 1:18 PM
        
        I have said no to more than one brother because I was not attracted to them physically @ all. It is not about making looks a priority, I believe that one certainly needs to be @ least somewhat attracted to their prospective spouse or else it shouldnt even move to the next point.
        
        However when brothers are running after girls who aren’t modestly dresses, jewlery , make up, fancy scarves as oppose to those who are dressed up more modestly with no accessory then thats when the Shaytan whispers in that sister ear and tells her to go in public w/ some make up, smaller Hijab & switch to skirts rather then Abaya.
        
        I dont mind dressing up with some make up if brother comes inside my house with my father present, doing that in public is not something sisters should compromise on.
- Yanonimous
  
  June 11, 2016 at 6:45 PM
  
  Online! And keep searching at every venue/channel (with parents and matchmakers and all). I have met a lot of men, the halal way, in public and with chaperones (usually my parents), and most of them like to drink, smoke, are kind of finding their way to religion (is what they say), but don’t seem to have much orientation towards those goals, and have had tonnnnnnes of women! (and they DONT seem to be inclined to reform at all – a huge source of anger and sadness for me.) The good ones have been previously married. These are out of the few who exhibit mutual attraction with me.
  
  So I hear ya Sista!! It’s a tough one. Especially when we’ve been raised to establish and continue our careers the whole time. But hang in there, and keep dreaming, hoping and praying and chasing (through actual action) <3
  
  Reply
NahyanInc

February 12, 2010 at 2:56 PM

Excellent, excellent article. mashaAllah.

Reply
Ohh that BOy

February 13, 2010 at 1:54 PM

Mash”Allah great article!
I like how all the brothers comment saying “Mash’Allah.” I don’t know why I find it funny. LOL

Reply
Wael - IslamicAnswers.com

February 13, 2010 at 8:55 PM

This reminds me of the very first editorial I wrote on Zawaj.com ages ago, titled, “Impossible Woman Seeks Impossible Man.” You can read it here:

http://zawaj.com/editorials/impossible.html

Reply
Abusafiyah

February 15, 2010 at 6:20 AM

Assalaamu Alaikum
nice article…was thinkning of updating my profile accordingly lol…maybe i’ll just wait till part 2 (For the Brothers)comes out…
Also pls give some advise to brothers looking for a 2nd & 3rd etc wife please. barukullah feek!

so whens part 2 coming out?!

Reply
- BK
  
  December 24, 2013 at 11:13 AM
  
  For 2nd or more , look for a widow , divorcee who are 30-plus . So the younger unwed brothers can marry young, unwed sisters .
  
  Reply
Dunia's Stranger

February 15, 2010 at 8:27 PM

Also pls give some advise to brothers looking for a 2nd & 3rd etc wife please.

How about waiting till the single bros have found a first wife.

Signed,
Br. without wife

Reply
- Someone Human
  
  February 15, 2010 at 10:36 PM
  
  Dunia’s Stranger,
  
  Interesting point.
  
  It’s the same point SOME older sisters make: “How about YOU (18 – 24 year old single sister) wait until WE (25+ single sisters) get married first?
  
  Would you put a “pause” in your life because of someone else? {Like, I’ll roam around do nothing while you graduate, so you can catch up to me?}
  
  Life moves on :) Sigh!
  
  Reply
  - Abusafiyah
    
    February 16, 2010 at 2:07 AM
    
    @Someone Human
    
    Well said,..
    
    i looked for a long time in the process i literally travelled thousands of miles had meetings with many sisters (in a islamic setting & manner ;)lol at one point i had almost all the aunties from Sh. Hussein Yee’s school looking out for me untill bi ithnillah i eventually found my wife ironnically back in my home country. my suggestions is to make dua..lots of dua especially in sujood and tahajjud salaah.
    
    now i am back on the search for that illusive foreigner.
    
    May Allah help all my bros and sisters find their spouses
    
    Reply
um

February 17, 2010 at 9:04 AM

Jazakum Allahu khairan. Really enjoyed this article, alhamdulillah.

It would be helpful for sisters to go through this sort of internal process of thinking about who she is, what marriage is to her, how to present herself to the kind of husband she would want, etc. This will raise her self-esteem and confidence, set her criteria, and at the same time she will become more realistic and balanced in her approach, insha’Allah.

Listing the education and achievements in a resume format – this can be an attempt to show she is respectable, show she is from a good family, good status, that the family invested a lot in her and does not expect her to be mistreated, and so on. We need to move to better ways of communicating value.

A related topic I’d like to see addressed (for both females & males) — How to present the downsides? No one is perfect – how to be realistic and truthful (e.g. I’m not very good at cooking; I’m a neat freak, etc.) without it being necessarily a deal-breaker, or setting up for lifelong conflicts?

Jazakum Allahu khairan

Reply
Hala

February 17, 2010 at 5:43 PM

i think internet marriage stuff is scary i dont know why, i also wouldnt encourage sisters to ever put their picture up in the internet even if they are looking for marriage god knows what horrible people can do with your pictures id advise anyone who uses internet marriage sites esp the sisters, coz i dont know why youd still a broz picture ;p, to be careful and let the person express interest in your qualities first, how beautiful you are should be an added bonus and not solely why you are interesting, i think it is important that the sister mentions if shes educated or works however uninteresting it might be instead of writing im funny or something because,if shes wanting to work and he doesnt want her to work he should know from the start and not be led on, if your looking for someone look at your qualities and ask yourself why would the “amazing rich handsome sophisticated sheikh, i.e. non excistent guy would want to marry you if your not ^the above, btw the author said ask yourself if your friends or fam would describe you that way, i think your friends and fam would describe you in your most flattering way, who has a friend whod call them ugly or not smart enough etc and if you ask my mum she’ll tell you im the most amazing person of all , and thats a bit too untrue, i plan to get married the more traditional way, let the guy find you and beg :P
salaamz
hala

Reply
Arshada

February 18, 2010 at 5:54 PM

On a slightly different note. It was mentioned;

“The majority of practicing Muslim men in the West, based on our interviews, blogs, and personal conversations with them across the country, despite growing up here are looking for a wife who will fill a more traditional role, that of a stay at home wife; and at the least to be home with future children, in sha Allah.”

I found this point very interesting. It would be interesting to know if sisters are looking for as traditional marriage as the brothers. If in actually they aren’t, then maybe the way they are currently writing about themselves is, less attractive but, more honest representation of who they are. Maybe, they shouldn’t make these changes. They might attract the guys but not truly compatible with him.

P.S. Very important and well written article. I think it definitely shows sisters how to better present themselves on paper.

Reply
- um
  
  February 18, 2010 at 6:24 PM
  
  this is very interesting point. also Hala’s points too.
  
  the issue of women wanting permission to work. is this why the resume format comes out?
  
  would having a line that speaks to this issue – for example, Enjoy working but would like to stay home to raise the kids when that time comes – be a another avenue?
  
  i agree with what was said, that if a sister wants the option to work in marriage she should be up front about that.
  
  also, this is observational from my limited experience — but there seem to be plenty of brothers out there who say they want traditional wives, but then once married insist their wives work, or make them feel really uncomfortable about being stay at home wives.
  
  brothers should do some soul searching as well if they truly want a traditional wife or not, and what they mean by that.
  
  just a note, i don’t know one working sister who isn’t also the primary/sole housekeeper and caretaker.
  
  Reply
  - hala
    
    February 26, 2010 at 6:25 PM
    
    thats so true sister, and i think we need a bit more of a better definition of what a ‘traditional wife’, is because people are confused
    salaamz
    hala
    
    Reply
  - manal k
    
    June 20, 2011 at 11:47 PM
    
    Or some brothers would “allow” their wife to work ONLY if she foregoes her wish to spend it as she pleases! Ridiculous..
    
    Reply
rafique ameen

February 20, 2010 at 11:15 PM

this article is gud for muslim n muslimah nowadays..
masyaAllah =)

Reply
H G

February 23, 2010 at 2:25 PM

JazakAllah khair for this very informative and useful article. Alhumdulillah it was very beneficial.

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ameen

February 24, 2010 at 12:41 PM

Salaam everyone found a new Muslim matrimonial site @ Kabbool.com have a look and register its free as there are single muslims online I found a decent Muslima and inshallah with your duas will be married by summer time..Jzk

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Ahmad

February 28, 2010 at 11:07 AM

I want an article in a males perspective. I really liked this one. I think guys are just as clueless when it comes to marriage. I know I am. I read this and started wondering how I would describe myself. I believe know what Im looking for in a wife but Im still very hazy on how to actually go about it all. Im 21 btw so yes a volley of “TOO EARLY, OMG!” comments will come my way from most adults but Id rather know than be told I dont need to know yet.

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yakisha

March 2, 2010 at 10:06 PM

The irony here is that you complain the resumes only mention what they don’t want in a husband, but you do the exact same thing. You have not given a single example of what a good resume or description would look like, which would have been helpful.

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helper

March 12, 2010 at 3:55 PM

JazakAllah khair Shiekh and Sister Wyatt.

Can you please give a dua to make things ie: marriage and finding the right spouse quicker. Is there anything that we can read to facilitate our affair.

I read the ayat from surah kahf: Rabbana aatina mila dunka rahmatawn wa hayyi’ lana, min amree na rashada
and this dua
Allahumma ya jaami’an naasu li yawmil la raiba fihi ajma baynee wa bayna zawjee

and also Allah’s names

Was’salam

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khan

March 14, 2010 at 4:07 PM

I noticed alot of times when I speak to brothers who are looking that most of them said that they need someone who are attracted to…

The problem is if all females were ranked just based on their physical looks alone, the brothers definition of good looking was those girls who are 8,9, or 10.

Thats not good looking, thats gorgeous. If all the brothers want a gorgeous wife, that might be a problem. Specially considering that most of the brothers I spoke to were a 5, 6 or 7 on a scale of 10. So if guys who would rank 5, 6, 7, 8, 9 or 10 want girls who are 8, 9 or 10 then there will be an issue.

Brothers need to wake up and smell real air. Not all air smells rosy ya ikhwan. For proof drive on New Jersey Turnpike across Elizabeth :)

I should look for a sister who at least is on my level in terms of look. Now the deen, yeah go for 8, 9, or 10 because insha’ALLAH we all will strive to get there and we can get there. Looks, unless we resort to cosmetical surgery, the 5 will remain a 5 and the 10 will remain a 10 for some duration of time until we get real old, then we will all be sevens :)

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- Talkum
  
  March 14, 2010 at 4:21 PM
  
  I have the same observation, bro. Brothers at the 4, 5 level looking for ladies at a 9, 10 level. The relevant hadith that comes to mind is â€œNone of you [truly] believes until he wishes for his brother what he wishes for himself.â€
  
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- Maheen
  
  December 24, 2013 at 9:28 AM
  
  And don’t forget, we are not necessarily attracted to people initially. I have seen guys who look good, but once I see what utter jerks they are, their ugliness shines through. The opposite applies as well. Good character makes a hottie in the long term as well.
  
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sabirah

March 14, 2010 at 4:39 PM

you guys need to remember, nothing is forever.
the girls on the 8, 9, 10 scale would most likely be on the 3, 4, 5 scale after the first or second child or after 10 years. I have seen many awesome wedding and engagement pictures of women that now look like they are my own grandmother a couple of years later.
What happened to the custom to ask the imam in the masjid if he knows a suitable brother/sister?

How degrading is it to grade women anyway? do you rate after western standards? Remember, Allah knows about the Pamela Anderson and Jessica Biel pictures in your basements…

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sabirah

March 14, 2010 at 4:49 PM

and yes, i have seen many good looking/not so good looking couples that perfectly worked out fine and they produced a nice looking bunch of children.
@ Talkum that hadith comes into action when we talk about in-laws, I reckon

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Seerah

June 20, 2011 at 3:02 PM

Am i making a mistake by telling brothers that am a sickle cell patient? cos each time i do the next thing i see is their backs even though most of them are of the AA genotype. What could be responsible for this kind of attitude from them, after all that’s the only genotype that’s “safe” for me to marry. Each time they make me feel its better not to tell.

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- Maheen
  
  December 24, 2013 at 9:25 AM
  
  Maybe you should wait until the negotiations have become serious instead of mentioning it up front. I had a genetic issue as well, and I only mentioned it to my husband once we had met and both felt we were compatible for marriage. My family and I did not mention it at the beginning of the process because a. We were not sure how this very personal and private information would be used. b. we were not sure if the process of meeting with him and his family would lead to marriage. Once both of us and our families felt it was a good match and we were moving toward marriage, my family and I spoke to his about his, he got the required blood test, and Alhamdu lillah, we got married shortly after that. We have to be open about issues, but we also need to be careful in how that information is used.
  
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Reply

December 23, 2013 at 8:00 PM

How do you know that they are AA?

To answer your question though, this seems like something of importance that should be brought up soon (whether it should be mentioned right off the bat, I’m not sure). Especially for those that wish to have children, knowing risks and what they might be signing up for will allow them to make a better informed decision.

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Olivia

December 23, 2013 at 8:29 PM

Hey what about “the one critical mistake first wives makes when looking for a cowife”? Probably something like “forgot to mention anything about your husband” *snickers*

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Maheen

December 24, 2013 at 9:20 AM

Could you please post a sample of a good biodata? And as far as looks are concerned, brothers should care -as should sisters. I mean we sisters are promised hot men in Jannah, and few of us would be willing to overlook a guy who is overweight and has little hair. And even if you say you “don’t care” how he looks initially, I can guarantee this will be a problem later in the marriage. So while looking like (starlet/hot celebrity) of the day shouldn’t be an expectation for a potential, there should be some level of physical attraction.

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BK

December 24, 2013 at 10:53 AM

MashAllah great article !!

I would like to share what I did.

Make Dua . And have great reliance upon Allah. You don’t have to check out 10
Brothers to find a spouse . Some sisters I see wait for someone better. The first one you meet could be your spouse.

Look for someone who can take you to jannah with him.
I was very clear on who I wanted to marry . I took advise from baba Ali’ s video and listed about 20 questions without yes/no answers,that would help me know more about him.

I was careful not to fall in love before knowing the person . So was careful not to be flirtatious at all.

Did some background research through friends. I knew I must accept the proposal when I started falling in love with his qualities . Accepted the proposal within a month.

Prayed to Allah to put LOVe and Mercy in our hearts for each other . Got married as soon as possible .

Alhamdulillah I am blessed with parents who did NOT complain about him being from another community.

Many a time parents ruin it for their children .

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BK

December 24, 2013 at 10:57 AM

Maheen, I agree with you.

There should be some sort of physical attraction . Not repulsive looks.

After that make plenty of dua for physical attraction .

If Allah blesses spouses with great physical attraction , no one can prevent it :)

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Imane

September 11, 2015 at 1:39 AM

can’t believe that I just came across this article 5 years after publishment! great article, thanks :)

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