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Feeling The Love: 60+ Ways to Please Your Parents!
Or rather, showing it. In keeping with what seems to be a trend here at MuslimMatters, this post is also going to be about the parent-child relationship: specifically, what can kids and teens do to please our parents?
From talking to my friends, and from my own experiences, I’ve found that many of us are finding it difficult to please our parents. A lot of the kids I’ve talked to say that they’re frustrated, angry, or annoyed with their parents because the only feedback they’re getting is criticism. What they (and I) often don’t realize is… we actually deserve that criticism. It’s the praise that we want, that we (usually) don’t deserve: because we’re not doing anything to deserve it!
So! I’d like this comments section to be devoted to how we can please our parents. Let’s try to do what we did with the spouses – list 60+ ways to keep our parents happy and proud of us!
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I’ll start with something that I know makes my mom happy…
1. Doing chores without being told to.
Thy Lord hath decreed that ye worship none but Him and that ye be kind to parents. Whether one or both of them attain old agein thy life say not to them a word of contempt nor repel them but address them in terms of honor/ And out of kindness lower to them the wing of humility and say: “My Lord! bestow on them Thy Mercy even as they cherished me in childhood.” (Surah al-Isra, verses 23 & 24)
Keep supporting MuslimMatters for the sake of Allah
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The Prophet (SAW) has taught us the best of deeds are those that done consistently, even if they are small. Click here to support MuslimMatters with a monthly donation of $2 per month. Set it and collect blessings from Allah (swt) for the khayr you're supporting without thinking about it.
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Amad
April 29, 2007 at 12:39 AM
To be honest, I think children are harder to please than parents. Poor parents… small acts of kindness from us and they are all over it (I say this out of sadness for our own pathetic state of disservice to our parents).
For those of us whose parents are back ‘home’ in the motherland, calling them often is a nice one. Surprise gifts are great too. Give your parent an additional credit card so they can use it and remember you. And subhanAllah you will find that they will hardly use it, because they don’t want to burden you if they don’t need to… you just can’t beat parents in love!
H
April 29, 2007 at 10:51 PM
one issue i’ve never been sure about: public display of affection between siblings or parent-child.
Nazia
April 30, 2007 at 2:45 PM
2. If you live away from them, send them a card with pictures in it. I sent a card to my mom and she told me she cried for 15 minutes just looking at it.
3. Buy them gifts on Eid, even if they insist you don’t have to or they don’t want one (like my parents do), they still appreciate it so much.
4. Massaging their feet.
5. Being a good person. Fear Allah and give people their rights. Be polite and respectful with other people. Your parents will feel like they’ve done a good job.
6. Do good in school. Again, your parents will feel relaxed that you will, inshaAllah, have a bright future.
7. Thank them for the way they raised you.
8. Joke with them. Even if they get angry over small things, don’t let it hurt or offend you. Sometimes parents get finnicky over small things (like in old age).
9. Help your mom or dad with yardwork (in fact, take it over and do it without them asking you to).
10. Compliment your mom’s cooking. Make it seem like it’s the most delicious meal in the world.
Amad
April 30, 2007 at 3:05 PM
AnonyMouse, why don’t we make this another 60 ways to please your parents?? that’ll be a nice addition to the 60+ ways that we have for spouses!
AnonyMouse
April 30, 2007 at 3:53 PM
Oooh, that’s a brilliant idea!
Alright, people, let’s get started! :)
#11: Whenever your dad takes you out or gets you something – however small it may be, like an ice cream – take the time to thank him for it (a hug would be good, too).
I know that when I was younger I used to ask for things alllll the time (and usually got them!) but didn’t realize how these ‘small’ things add up ’till recently. So now, I make sure that I tell my brothers (who are at the age when they also want everything) to thank my dad whenever he gets us something…
#12: Hug your parents when you come home after school and before bed, and make sure to tell them that you love them! When you’re mad at them sometimes it’s a bit harder to do, but suck it up and go hug them!
#13: Make or buy them small gifts out of the blue. Not for Mother’s Day or Father’s Day, but just any old day. Alternatively (if you can), try to get them out of the house for a day in the weekend and clean up and make things reeaallllyyy nice for them, to surprise them…
kip (mcpagal)
April 30, 2007 at 6:24 PM
Salaam, some of my additions (I think the ‘doing chores without being told’ one is a real winner though!):
14. Ask their advice and consider it carefully, they’re older and wiser – it shows your respect to defer to them.
15. Tell them what’s going on in your life and ask them about theirs, don’t just live in separate bubbles!
16. If you still live with them, let them know when you’re going out, where to, what time you’ll be back etc. You have you independence and yes they trust you, but you have to respect it’s their home and they deserve to know what’s going on.
17. [especially for desi’s] Make tea! Nuff said.
18. Try not to fight with your siblings, it hurts your parents feelings if you can’t get along.
19. Spread salaams, when entering/leaving the house etc. Even if you’re away for 5 minutes or so, there’s still baraka in it.
20. Ask them about their childhood. Not only does it let you know more about them, so you can let your friendship grow – it can also turn up some pretty amusing stories!
Nazia
May 1, 2007 at 12:26 AM
Good ones kip!
21. Respect and honor their family members (good tip for people who “go back home” for visits. You’ll be surprised how much family you actually have).
22. Give your parents their due rights and respect when it comes to your marriage. Don’t isolate or ignore them. (it’s a “duh”, but following these other tips will make the marriage process A LOT easier for you).
23. Give your parents a personalized mug or sticker that says “World’s #1 Mom/Dad”.
24. Hold your anger. Hold your anger. Hold your anger.
25. Go out for a walk with your parents after Fajr. It’s good bonding time and great for your health.
26. Make sure to eat at least one meal with them. Or you can just sit with them while they’re having their meal.
27. Read stories and listen to lectures on birr al-walidayn. It will really motivate you to change if you’re having difficulty with these tips. Almost every person I’ve known whose had this religious revival in their lives has made birr al walidayn their first point of improvement.
28. Go to Islamic lectures/conferences together and reflect on them together.
29. Try to insist that your family prays in jama’ah for at least one prayer during the day. Maybe you can have short (5 min.) talks afterwards.
restingtraveller
May 1, 2007 at 6:53 AM
MashaAllah, awesome comments!
30. Buy them islamic books or lectures, I know my mom loves yasir qadhi material.
31. If you go to a halaqah or almaghrib class etc, sit with them and tell them what you learned…even try and tell a hadith to them everyday.
32. When they are sick, take care of them, read Qur’an to them, and if they’re really sick you can do ruqya.
33. Clean up after yourself
34. Randomly ask if they need anything.
35. Take care of the cooking sometimes
36. Introduce your mom to your friends, or brothers to their dad.
37. If you are gone all day, call them just to tell them everything is fine etc
38. do the grocery shopping
inexplicabletimelessness
May 1, 2007 at 8:17 AM
mashaAllah, this is a nice list.
39. Wash their car(s)
40. Honor their friends
41. Make du’a for them all the time
42. When you can, make a breakfast they would really like and surprise them with it
43. Make something for them-for ex, a pot made from clay, if you’re good at graphic designing, a cool poster, sew a purse for your mom, etc. :)
khawla hurayrah
May 1, 2007 at 8:20 AM
Assalamu’alaikum
Masha’allah very good post sr anonymouse and very good points so far. So I just add one or two here while I can still remember them:
39. Do not say Ufhhh to your parents, or may your noses be in the dust.
40. Tell them you love them all the time!!! and don’t ever say you hate them…. because you don’t know when the angel of death is coming to visit…. then it is too late.
* restingtraveller: This one, is a good point, about taking care of the cooking for them. Normally when families with mostly teenage boys, the parents neglected the task of teaching them to cook simple menu and whenever the mother is sick, the whole family are begging from the community to help cooking daily!!! so, next point is:
41. Ask your parents to teach you or show you how to be in the kitchen and to know where things are.
khawla hurayrah
May 1, 2007 at 9:30 AM
Assalamu’alaikum
Sr anonymouse, I feel bad messing the numbering and I thought to re-post my points!!! forgive me.
Masha’allah very good post sr anonymouse and very good points so far. So I just add one or two here while I can still remember them:
44. Do not say Ufhhh to your parents, or may your noses be in the dust.
45. Tell them you love them all the time!!! and don’t ever say you hate them…. because you don’t know when the angel of death is coming to visit…. then it is too late.
* restingtraveller: This one, is a good point, about taking care of the cooking for them. Normally when families with mostly teenage boys, the parents neglected the task of teaching them to cook simple menu and whenever the mother is sick, the whole family are begging from the community to help cooking daily!!! so, next point is:
46. Ask your parents to teach you or show you how to be in the kitchen and to know where things are.
AnonyMouse
May 1, 2007 at 11:45 AM
Masha’Allah, 46 points already! We’re almost at 60! :)
kip (mcpagal)
May 1, 2007 at 4:16 PM
The ‘Do not become angry’ point is a good one. I fail at that almost daily, astaghfirullah.
Khawla Hurayra, good ones! for number 44: I thought the person who the Prophet (saw) said that his nose should be rubbed in the dust, was the one who ‘found his parents, one or both of them, attaining old age in his lifetime and did not enter paradise by serving them’.
Half-remembered from the narrations before ‘Wisdom and Tea’ on Dawud Wharnsby Ali’s Sunshine, Dust and the Messenger (so apologies for any mistake)… that nasheed still makes me teary!
47. If you can drive, offer to drop them off places if they need it – it also gives you some bonding time in the car :)
48. Joke around with them, your relationship doesn’t have to be uber-formal. Mind you, parent-jokes can be hard to appreciate!
49. Don’t get annoyed if they repeat themselves, or give you the same lecture more than once – imagine how annoying it was when you were a kid and kept repeating the same words over and over. They had patience for you, so you should have patience for them!
50. Do small errands to make life easier for them, eg picking up prescriptions, posting letters, making those half-hour calls to call centres… remember the sacrifices they made for you too.
restingtraveller
May 1, 2007 at 6:34 PM
Just some comments:
Yes, khawla hurayrah, you’re SO right..my brothers can’t even make many simple foods, and my mom mashaAllah is very baby-ing with them–of course, she wants to make everything for them. but I try and get them to at least make some things. My mom taught them how to make some small dishes now, but if my mom left, they would eat out every day. wa lillahil hamd.
Also concerning “uff”, the younger generation does not say “uff”, but an equivalent could be: “grhh” or “ugghhh” or just rolling your eyes or that huffin and puffin. I remember my arabic teacher saying concerning the ayah about not saying “uff” to them: “even showing a sign of displeasure on your face is considered the equivalent of “uff”. so next time your parents are lecturing you, stay like this: :-) …:-D
La huwla wa la quwwata ila billah! It’s so hard to even keep your composure, but subhanAllah, we really need to learn patience and just remind yourself that your parents love you more than anyting–if they say something out of anger, wallahi brothers and sisters they regret it…even if they don’t tell you that.
Another example that shows you the status of parents is concerning the opinions of who the people of Al-A’raaf are. Those are the people who are not in jannah nor hell-fire (but out of Allah’s Mercy they will enter Jannah). The scholars came to the conclusion that one opinion of who they are could be those young people who were martyred in jihaad…BUT, they didn’t get their parents permission to go to battle. SubhanAllah! So their martyrdom saved them from Jannah but by disobeying their parents, they were kept out of Jannah.
May Allah azza wa jal forgive our sins, and allow us to be righteous children and raise righteous children. ameen
inexplicabletimelessness
May 2, 2007 at 1:23 AM
51. Tell them about your day and ask them about their day.
52. Share a beautiful ayah of the Qur’an with them or hadith with them regularly.
AnonyMouse
May 2, 2007 at 12:22 PM
53. Take care of them when they’re sick! Make them tea, toast-and-butter, soup, whatever; bring them blankets or pillows; check up on them regularly to see how they’re doing and ask if there’s anything you can do for them. Give them big hugs!
kip (mcpagal)
May 2, 2007 at 6:21 PM
54. Try not to stress too much about exams etc – they not only share your stress but amplify it and worry for you. Let them have some peace of mind!
55. Don’t keep secrets from them. If you feel you need to hide something from them, it’s probably wrong anyway.
khawla hurayrah
May 3, 2007 at 12:20 PM
56. Be their best friend but with respect as if they are the kings of a state called HOME.
57. Learn from righteous people of the past on how they shown kindness and pleasing to their parents. What pleases our parents comes before everything, so long as it is not in disobedience of Allah. Some example for us: Haywah bin Shurayh (ra), one of the Imam’s of our Ummah, used to give classes in front of his home. During the class, his Mother would call him to feed the chickens. He would stand up, leave the Halaqah, and go feed the chickens.
Al-Haarith Al-Aklee (ra) weeped during the funeral of his mother. When asked for the reason of his tears he said, “Why should I not cry when one of my doors to Paradise has now closed?”
Respecting our parents will lead us to Jannah! In Muslim, from Abu Hurayrah (raa): I heard the Messenger of Allah – Sal Allahu alayhi wa Sallam – say, “May he perish! May he perish! May he perish!” It was asked, “Who, O Messenger of Allah?” The Prophet – Sal Allahu alayhi wa Sallam – said, “He whose parents attain old age in his life – one or both of them – and he does not enter Paradise (because of his goodness towards them).”
And when our parents are gone, the goodness towards them does not end.
Malik ibn Rabi’ah Al-Saa’idi narrated: We were sitting with the Messenger of Allah – Sal Allahu alayhi wa Sallam – when an Ansari man came and asked, “O Messenger of Allah, is there anything left from my Birr to my parents that I should present to them after their death?” The Prophet – Sal Allahu alayhi wa Sallam – said, “Yes, four things: Pray and ask forgiveness for them. Fulfill their pledges. Be kind to their friends. And maintain the ties of kinship that come from only their direction. That is what is left from your Birr to them after their death.” [Ahmad, Abu Dawood, and Ibn Maajah]
Aamir ibn Abd Allah ibn Az-Zubayr (ra) said, “My father died, and for an entire year I did not ask Allah for anything except that He forgive my Father.”
(The above are excerpt from missionislam.com)
58. Take them to make Hajj and help pay if you can afford it.
59. Be a smart spouse if you are married and help yourself to achieve al Birr by being good to your parents by treating your wife/husband in a way that she or he would want to treat your parents as if their own. (i.e. get rid of that “out-law” attitude)
60. Strive to have Taqwa to Allah by being good, be grateful practicing Muslim, in itself will be “the cooling of the eye” to your parents. Most parents hope for their children to be successful in this life and after. (similar to pt.5?)
61. Strive to memorize and be a companion to al Qur’an. I heard this coming from many mothers voicing their desire for their children to be able to memorize Qur’an, to be good leader and example to the Muslim Ummah in the future.
Allah knows best
Sorry for the long post.
AnonyMouse
May 3, 2007 at 12:53 PM
Al-Hamdulillaah, we’ve reached 61! Masha’Allah! :)
JazakAllahu khairan to everyone who posted… and hopefully will *keep* posting helpful tips!
Now all that’s left is for us to implement it… may Allah make us all obedient children with whom our parents are pleased, and make us (and our parents!) successful in this world and in the Hereafter, ameen!
:)
-Mouse
Amad
May 3, 2007 at 3:23 PM
I think Sr. Anonymouse… you need to target 100 with this list…. if we can find 80 ways to please the wife, then parents take even a higher priority, so how about it? Are we up to the challenge?
63. Be very careful when trying to ‘teach’ them about the deen. If it is a matter of ikhtilaf, don’t try to change them. But, if you feel it is a matter of haram and halal, like not going to the tombs of saints; then do it in a manner that they feel that they figured it out themselves. Like you could say, “Abi, you know that we are not supposed to build tombs over any graves… and some people even go to visit them”… i.e. steer away from direct dawah to indirect reference so that they get the point themselves. Or bring to them some CD/book that is from a scholar from within their area (and preferably older). In my long, rambling way, what I am trying to get to is that be careful of cultural and age barriers so that the message is not hurtful and is acceptable ultimately… wallahualam
khadija
July 11, 2007 at 10:05 PM
64. Don’t argue with them unneccesarily.
65. Don’t act sad or like a baby to get their sympathy, favors, and pampering [lol ;) ] It can affect their health or hurt them. Try to be as positive as you can around them.
66. Pray for them in Tahajjud…especially for their health and imaan.
67. Do good actions (like reading Quran, etc.) and be a good EXAmple for them….trust me, habits DO rub off on parents sometimes…even bad ones (like staying up too late in the night…sleep after isha!!)
68. Don’t roll your eyes at them…EVER.
69. When they ask you to do something, do it RIGHT AWAY…no “coming mom/dad…..just 1 minute” [10 mins later] “….commmming…2 more minutes” and onwards. If they want you to do something…no ifs/buts…make it a rule…jump from what your doing and go….pretend someone yelled “FIRE!”
70. Ask them to teach you some hadith/Quran/ or give a small Islamic lecture…if they don’t have anything ready, ask them to do it later, like after you pray the next prayer with them…in JAMAAT :)
71. Don’t watch too much TV or use the internet too much when being around them. Spend time with them rather than with the computer/internet.
72. Read lots of Quran…if you have a nice Qiraat…read aloud…they get really happy…as long as their not on the phone while your screaming your head off lol ;) (Of course your intent should be the pleasure of Allah, and in the process you please parents, and perhaps encourage them to read as well).
73. If you are a guy, and your parent(s) is/are elderly…take them to UMRAH (or HAJJ) :)
74. Say salaam to your parents’ friends in parties BEFORE they say “beta salam karo auntie/uncle ko….UT ke karo” (basically means say salaam before it is suggested for u to do so:) lol ;)
May Allah assist us all in pleasing our parents…May we be the coolness of their eyes. :) AMEEN
khadija
July 11, 2007 at 10:18 PM
The 1st Small kindness comment is so true…do the smallest thing and parents are so happy.
It scares me to think of Surah Maun….about the hippocrites (sp?) who stand idly in their prayer…they are cursed by Allah…one of their traits is that they refuse small kindnesses…May Allah protect us from being that way.
AnonyMouse
July 12, 2007 at 1:43 AM
Jazaakillaahi khairan, sis Khadija for re-starting this thread! Great points, masha’Allah…
Bint Walid
July 12, 2007 at 1:04 PM
75. SMILE at them!
AnonyMouse
March 11, 2008 at 8:45 PM
BUMP! Who has anymore tips for pleasing their parents? I do!
#76: Learn a new thing every day and share it with them.
I love reading the news and Islamic articles, or keeping up to date with the latest going on in the Islamosphere, and talking to my parents about it – it makes for interesting discussions and I learn a lot by listening to them talk about it also.
Plus it makes things a bit easier for us young’uns in that it shows our parents that we’re growing up and aware of the world around us :D
Niqaabis
March 11, 2008 at 9:57 PM
78. Say sorry
79. Kiss the hand of your parents and humble yourself to them
AbuAbdAllah
April 13, 2008 at 4:20 PM
bismillah. i am glad this article was mentioned in today’s open thread! it’s chock full of gems, mashaAllah.
80) a good way not to show your parents any disrespect is not to make eye contact with them whenever you think you are being lectured. if you do not like what it being said, lower your gaze in a respectful manner. and take a slow breath (not huffing) when they ask you to look at them because you may need to get your composure.
81) if you disagree with them don’t mutter (mumble, grumble), especially if they are older or hard of hearing.
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Anisa
May 12, 2008 at 2:31 PM
Asalamau Alaaikum wa Rahmatullahi wa Barakatu all,
SubhanAllah, that really made me teary. The part about the halaqah in front of the house, subhanAllah. I don’t know that just made me like really emotional.
JazaakAllahum Khair for tips!
Let me try to add! Kind of hard, subhanAllah, i think all the points mentioned were great. Hmm…
82. Refrain from saying things that will hurt them. Already mentioned but let me expand on that. My 6th grade teacher once was lecturing to the class, to be good to our parents (in a non-muslim school too!). She said you might say something hurtful to them, and later on down the months/years you might forget but they will not. They will always remember that one word, or sentance that cut them deeper than any knife could!! Sometimes I notice that my mom remembers some of the really mean things that were done to her, whether from siblings or others…
83. Stop trying to act like the grand mufti in this house!! Especially when you have parents who don’t take too kindly to their kids lecturing to them. Brother Amad mentioned this point already. You must use some hikmah, patience and mercy when you are explaining the deen to them. This reminder is to me first! We have to realize that not all of our parents are scholars They might not know all the rulings, or recall many of the hadiths (or Quran verses) about certain subjects. Do not act like a arrogrant person when explaining to them and if they disagree with you, don’t get hurt and stalk off, or don’t argue back about how you are right and they are wrong. Use hikmah…
84. Join in with them in hobbies, interests, etc. My parents love the discovery channel, particularly shows about wild animals like lions. My dadalso likes the news or politics in general. I really found both to be quite boring most of my life, but now i’m actually a lover of both lol. I guess all those years sitting with them and watching has converted me into a fan. :p
All I could think of at the moment
BarakAllahu Feekum for the great post, and tips
Wa’alaykum Asalaam wa Rahmatullahi wa Barakatu
Soph
September 17, 2008 at 12:19 AM
I have a friend who ran away from home, cause he had a fight with his younger sister (some punching). The next day he messaged his dad saying that he’s truly sorry and regretted his actions. But his dad did not reply, neither his mom despite several calls made.
However, I did not stop encouraging him to go back home.
Following days, he tried to return home only to found out that his dad mangga the gate (which he never did that before). He’s kinda disappointed as it shows that his parents doesn’t want him back to their house anymore.
He’s currently staying in grandma’s house. I really don’t know how to deal with this situation, or wad else should I tell him? Perhaps bros and sis out there could help me? And Aidil Fitri is coming…
-Desperate
Omnia Radwan
October 2, 2008 at 5:38 AM
jazakom ALLAH kol kkhair…we ohebokom jame’an felah….the tips are reallllllllllllllllyyyyyyyyy useful and very practical….though am from an arab country :)…i am proud of you foreginer muslims….i dream of the day wen i have friends like you…and wen arabs stick to their religion like you do…i dnt have any additional tips after what u have mentioned except fpr hadith…prophet muhamed peace be upon him said: the best deeds bir el waledain walsalah ala wakteha w aljihad fe sabeel elallah!!!
and brother scoph i think he should insist on going back…and cry to them to forgive him…kiss their hands and even legs…am sure they’ll forgive him…he’s their kid!!!! he can also bring them a present and accept any shouting ro critisim or any actions from them without getting mad ofcourse!!
ALLAH said” And out of kindness lower to them the wing of humility and say: “My Lord! bestow on them Thy Mercy even as they cherished me in childhood.”
wALLAHOa’lam
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Erin S
June 26, 2012 at 8:26 AM
mashaAllah great article – should be tagged under “parents” as well; I was trying to find it again but couldnt find it under that tag :-)