Family and Community
Obedience to Parents: The Test of Our Generation?
As I was formulating my thoughts on this post, I finally got around to burning a certain lecture by Yasir Qadhi on CD and listening to it in the car. I finished listened to it. I was blown away. Then I listened to it again with my wife, and this time I wished that somehow my 2 year old could be made to understand, appreciate, and implement all of what was said in that talk. Needless to say, his refusal to stop screaming or start sleeping on time hasn’t subsided. The original direction of this post though, has changed.
There is no denying the status of our parents. Period. There is no dispute on the rights due to them, but isn’t it rough sometimes??
I feel that many first-generation Muslims in the West face an especially tough time with doing birr al-walidayn (i.e. being of the utmost good to your parents at all times). Before we get into that though, let’s look at some history.
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Most immigrant parents came here to go to school, to work, or open businesses. While some studied engineering, others studied business, some opened up gas stations, and yet others came for the ultimate prize of Medical School. In all of these cases though, they left home at a young age and went overseas. After studying, establishing themselves as professionals, buying a car, and buying a house like good Muslim children, they went back home, got married, and brought their wife over here. Then they lived happily ever after.
They would go back home once a year, or once every other year and visit family. Email wasn’t around back then, so they would make short phone calls every month to check in, and not run up the long distance bill (how else can one afford the American dream?). They weren’t sure what they were going to do long term, but for now they were living a better life than back home and had more opportunities. Then they had kids, and those kids grew up. Now those kids were going to college, experimenting with the culture around them, and well, living the American dream as well.
Then a funny thing happened.
Instead of going out and finding their own way as their parents did, they were all of a sudden faced with the ultimate fitnah for a young person: the overbearing parent. The parent decided what the child was going to study (medicine, engineering, law, or “computers”), and who they were going to marry (your first cousin, or that girl you met when you went to Pakistan 6 years ago that lives on the street behind you).
For the “less practicing” of the Muslim youth, this is too much to bear. I know of countless people who lost their way due to this type of overbearing parent. These are the kids that run away from home at the first opportunity and jump headfirst into experimenting with their newfound freedoms.
These types of parents come in a wide variety. You know the types. The mom who sends her kid off to college, and then asks him if she can come live in his dorm with him. Or the parents who call you every day when class gets out to make sure you are coming straight home.
For those kids who are trying to be good to their parents though, it creates a dilemma. Obviously they love their parents, and would be willing to do anything that is halal to please them. Most of these kids will study subjects they don’t want to. They even marry people they don’t want to marry. But at some point down the line, the frustrations will boil over and they will break.
So the question now is, where is the line drawn? The problem, it seems, is that most parents have not dealt with the overbearing parent – because they got themselves on a 24 hour plane ride and got the heck out at that age. So they sometimes don’t know what the situation is like. They might not realize when they are being over-demanding.
For others though, the situation is not necessarily an overbearing parent, but a clueless parent. This is the parent that has not integrated in society. You know the types, they have been here for 20 years still can’t speak 2 full sentences of English. The only thing that they watch on TV is satellite from the homeland. They’re the ones who show up at their 5th graders PTA meetings and tell the teacher, “My son very smart, he become doctor.”
This is the type of parent who doesn’t know even know how to turn on a computer, much less find pictures of their kids on Facebook and Myspace clubbing and drinking. Then when they got a call from the ER because their kid OD’ed on something, they overreact and lay down the gauntlet.
Of course, not all our parents are clueless/overbearing. Many of them are quite level headed and understanding. But to their kids they will still see them as being of one of those two categories.
Back to the original point though, what defines over-demanding? How do you cope with it?
What about education? Marriage? How to raise your children, or where to send them to school? What is the line of allowing parents to ‘interfere’ but at the same time living your own life and with your own family?
What are the limits of obedience? There is a distinction between strict obedience (aside from what is Haram), and actually doing birr towards them. Oftentimes though, the two are intertwined. Not ‘listening’ to something, even though you may disagree with it heavily, can be taken as the ultimate sign of disrespect.
Regardless of what type of parent you have, there will be a clash. Firstly, because its the nature of kids to go against their parents sometimes, but for this first generation of people born here, there is a big culture clash as well. How do we get our parents to understand what we go through? How can we set up communication with our parents to discuss these issues without offending or disrespecting them?
How does the first generation of Muslims balance between trying to live their lives in goodness to their parents, even though their outlook on many fundamental issues may be radically different due to their upbringing?
The more people I talk to, it seems the more people I find who are facing these tests. It’s a unique situation given the background, so I pose the question: Is being good to our parents one of the tests that can define our generation?
I realize that this question can be even tougher for those brothers and sisters whose parents are not Muslim. Whenever I read the ayah that says be kind to your parents, and if they ask you to commit shirk, then do not listen to them in that – I feel relieved that alhamdulillah no matter what frustrations I have, at least this is one test I do not have to face.I believe that some of these questions that are posed are tough questions, and the answers are even tougher. We all realize that no matter what frustration we feel, we can never make up for the difficulties we put our parents through. Sometimes even getting a gift for your parents – no matter how nice – can feel somewhat embarrassing when one reflects on all the acts of kindness you have received from your parents.
I have been reflecting a lot lately on the hadith about the one whose parents are alive, and yet he does not earn Jannah through them. As Sh. Yasir mentioned in his talk, we cannot show even the slightest disrespect to them even though we feel natural frustration. The question is, how do we deal with that frustration, and are our frustrations significantly greater than those of other generations or nations?
Oh Allah have mercy on my parents, as they raised me when I was young.
Also see: Feeling the Love: 60+ Ways to Please Your Parents
The fact that this article coincides with Mother’s Day weekend is purely coincidental.
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True Virtues
May 9, 2008 at 6:40 AM
Assalamualaikum
I’ve thinking a lot about this issue myself in the past few months. It’s very difficult also when you have parents who aren’t really practicing and they fall into the Western culture here. Then there’s the serious problem of having to disobey them respectfully (I mean… come on how easy is that to do) while still being obedient towards them in other matters and practicing birr.
It also gets difficult when you consider
1) The need for youth to get married early in this day & age, something our parents don’t necessarily always see eye-to-eye with and give us their opinion based on their own lives, for brothers… no marriage until the age of 30?
2) Ilm and getting serious with your deen. And I’m not just talking about hijab and the beard. I’m talking about the potential flak from parents when you start learning that you have to enjoin the good and forbid the evil.
3) As youth, we get over our own heads and may fail to pickup the many good things and experiences from our parents, and learn to distinguish them from that which is not (especially in the case of non-practicing parents).
Anyone have any ideas? lol.
Hassan
May 9, 2008 at 9:03 AM
Interesting, one question arises, there are many educated people around the world as well who did not come to US or west. So do they feel same as well? Like their parents being overbearing? Or is it just in the west (for some unknown reason) children start to feel that their parents are overbearing?
SaqibSaab
May 9, 2008 at 10:45 AM
Firstly, for those of you who haven’t heard the lecture, go listen to it. You can find it here: http://muslimmatters.org/2008/03/22/uncomparable-love-yasir-qadhi-khutbah-in-chicago-on-march-14-2008/
Secondly, I feel a lot of problems can be solved in the way us children react. 99% of the time when there is conflict, especially when it comes to these “adult” and “life” issues of maturity, we respond with immaturity like 13 year olds. We’re all guilty of it.
Best advice I’ve ever been given from Mr. YQ:
If clashes with your parents result in you or them getting frustrated on the drop of a dime, and you’re not getting anywhere, then what does that say about you? You can’t even keep your cool and try to engage them in a way that’s calm and collected, yet firm? Calm down and know your roll. Acting like a little baccha isn’t going to get you anywhere.
Our parents aren’t our enemies. Yes they will inevitably want for us what we may not want, but there is a way to talk to and convince them. May Allah (swt) helps us use it.
Siraaj Muhammad
May 9, 2008 at 12:19 PM
Well, they did have overbearing parents, but the thing is, so did everyone else around them while growing up (overbearing by our standards, anyway). Everyone took it as normal. Then they left home saying, hey, I’m going to the land of opportunity since there’s none here, and then while living, marrying, working, and so forth, they didn’t leave their understanding of what parenting is like behind them – they brought it with them, and that’s only natural since that’s all they knew.
Enter the ABCD – watches TV, hangs out with nonMuslims, drinks in the culture, and now the ABCD’s understanding of what is normal is quite different from the parents’ understanding. Back home, kids do what they’re told. Over here, responding with sarcasm to the old folks is the norm when they tell you to do (or not do) something.
The problem starts to complicate itself when the child starts making major lifestyle decisions without their consent. All of that has been outlined above (religion, career, marriage).
A few tips that have helped me have a good relationship with my parents and live the life I want despite having many polar opposite views:
1. Expectations: Anger, frustration, disappointment, and so forth tend to come from unmet expectations. You expect your parents to see your side of things because it’s so perfectly clear and rational to you. I’d say, don’t be frustrated when they don’t understand you. In fact, expect them not to get your view, and jump for joy when they do :)
2. Respect: Parents of all shapes, sizes, and cultures (especially Eastern) want to be respected, so respect them. Even if you disagree with them, you don’t have to yell at them, or be sarcastic with them, or call them names. A subdued tone of voice, a neutral expression when you’re frustrated or in disagreement shows that you still have respect for them.
3. Success: That’s what your parents want for you, but how you get there, that’s where the clash comes in. You simply have to weather the storm and persistently push to what you want (but remember to respect them) and not give in until you get what you want. In most cases, they’ll eventually cave, it just takes time, patience, and persistence. It helps that outside of this disagreement, you’re an otherwise responsible and good-mannered individual.
4. Just Do It: A Shaykh I respect gave me some advice for people who are married, have their careers going, and so forth, but their parents and in-laws are still trying to control their lives (this advice is not for people living with their parents, either unmarried or married, or are in college and dependents). If you’re going to do something, and you think they might not like it, then go ahead and just do it without asking, and once they find out (if they do), then focus on asking them to forgive you.
Siraaj
True Virtues
May 9, 2008 at 5:14 PM
^ Jazakallahu Khair brother Siraaj, a very beneficial post you but in there (for me at least). I wish I could give you a brotherly hug in some way lol.
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ijmari
May 9, 2008 at 7:45 PM
I think this is the natural cycle of things as people awaken to Islam. It’s how Islam started as well, remember? One of the accusations put on the Prophet (saws) was that he separates father from son. Not saying that now the youth should totally break away from their parents, but that this rift is inevitable. However, one thing we have to emphasize is that it isn’t Islam that causes these rifts, but lack of it in people’s lives.
Also, now that we see that the next generation is more receptive to Islam and learning the religion and applying it, you’ll see them giving their children the teachings that they wished they had while younger. And thus sometimes I think that while our generation is coming awake, the next generation will be much stronger in the application of the Deen. They will have been brought up in it in sha Allah. While we are busy in learning the Deen, our children will know what they need to know when they come of age, and they’ll do something amazing with that knowledge, in sha Allah.
letsbereal
May 10, 2008 at 3:38 AM
“Interesting, one question arises, there are many educated people around the world as well who did not come to US or west. So do they feel same as well? Like their parents being overbearing? Or is it just in the west (for some unknown reason) children start to feel that their parents are overbearing?”
…i agree. It seems more like an issue in the west and is perhaps due to structure and function of society…the different sorts of freedom we have available. alhamdulillah, it is a blessing to be able to have such freedom, however, if this freedom is teaching us something thats displeasing to Allah azza wa ‘jal, its time we refocus and re-prioritize our prioritizes…even if that means getting over our americannes/desiness/arabness………wallahu’alam.
Dawud Israel
May 10, 2008 at 6:43 PM
Move out. Pretty simple actually…
Also if things get real bad—and I know for some it’s REAALLLYYY BAD—get a hold of your other family members and get them to persuade your parents.
Tell them to go to Hajj
Take them to a funeral
If you have to get a hold of Muslim Youth Helplines (I have an ad for them on my blog).
Usually parents are so over-bearing because they are worried about you and let it all out on you and since you are already stressed–you become stressed even more! It’s a test and no, you do not have to blindly obey them. In fact, there are some shuyookh that went against their parent’s wishes and went to study the deen.
The key about growing up and becoming independent is–you do not rely on your parents and are indepedent of them. :)
Siraaj Muhammad
May 11, 2008 at 12:10 AM
I think you just told a good majority of desis the equivalent of, “Simply walk on water, and it’ll be ok.”
Siraaj
inexplicabletimelessness
May 11, 2008 at 12:33 AM
The highest stage of human interaction is interdependence and compromise, ie. what is the best way to make you and me happy.
Along with studying the importance of family relations in Islam, I strongly recommend that everyone reads 7 Habits of Highly Effective People by Stephen Covey. Even though he is not Muslim, he has some core values that Muslims share as well such as honesty, integrity and excellence (ihsaan).
Basically, we as human beings start off dependent (as babies and children) and then in teenage years strive for independence (in western cultures this might be to a larger degree); finally when we settle down, get married, start working, etc… it’s all about interdependence and getting along with others.
With regards to br. Hassan’s question about if only western children feel their parents are overbearing, I think this is not the case. I have many relatives in Pakistan and acquaintances there who feel pressured to fit into a similar mold as well. Many times, however, because they live in what social psychologists like to call “collectivist societies” (where group goals are usually put ahead of individual goals) they might not rebel as much. On the other hand, we might see a lot more rebellion here in the west because it’s a more individualist society. A lot of kids might question their parents and wonder: Well, if you want me to be western in the educational, financial and material sense, how about in the emotional sense? Can I choose what I would like to be or do?
I think one easy thing all parents and kids (as a “kid” I speak to myself first ;)) is TALK. Talk about what you would like to do and then your parents should say what they would like you to do and each side should listen and talk. (Again, I highly recommend 7 Habits for practical advice) As long as they don’t advise you in something haram or impossible, we as their children should try to please them as much as we can.
Allah knows best.
Just a opinion
May 11, 2008 at 1:52 AM
Salam
It seems almost as if 70% of Muslim revival / reformation efforts go into discussing, or attempting to solve domestic issues such as parents, family, marriage problems, etc. Do we realize why we are so behind? How immature or incompetent are we that we need to have such discussions at a public level in an attempt to solve them. Can’t such issues be worked out amongst those involved? Is it really rocket science? Meanwhile, neo Nazi continue their war against Islam.
Allah Knows Best
ibnabeeomar
May 11, 2008 at 12:42 PM
just a(n) opinion – wsalam – these are the issues that we all face, and these are issues of utmost importance. marriage has been called half the deen by the prophet (saw). goodness to our parents is joined in one ayah along with not committing shirk. so these are not light issues, these are issues we all face, they are issues that many struggle with, and they are issues that very directly relate to our success in the akhirah. i’m much more concerned about the answers i will give in regards to how i treated my parents, my wife, and my kids, much more than most other issues. i’m not saying the “neo nazi war on islam” is not important (though i’m assuming youre referring to the neocons or something) but it is not as directly relevant to every single human as a successful family structure.
Just a opinion
May 11, 2008 at 1:46 PM
Yes these issues are important without a doubt but I just find it bizzarre that Muslims face these problems at such a high enough level that we believe that we need to discuss these problems publically and foremost, as if they are the mecca of our success. I see middle-class non-Muslims doing well in such social issues, with minimal family problems, and they don’t even have the prophetic guidance. This, I believe shows the incompetantce of Muslims of our generation that we are unable to such simple issues such as: Parent’s permission with regards to marriage, their obeidence, etc.
Siraaj Muhammad
May 11, 2008 at 2:41 PM
You’re comparing apples and oranges here. If by nonMuslims you mean (North) Americans who have had generations of families having adapted and assmiliated, then that’s fine, but if you mean 1st and 2nd generation (either Muslim or nonMuslim), then my own personal experience tells me you may be a bit off on this.
It’s actually not just Muslims – take a look at nonMuslim far east Asians, a lot of them go through many of the same issues. The same for southeast asians who are nonMuslim. They may have an easier time assimilating into the culture because they either are Christian, and well-accepted, or don’t care about their religion, and still accepted, so the issue is less complicated for them compared to the situation of the Muslim.
That’s not to minimize the point you brought up about other issues occuring around the world – there’s much to be said and done in that arena as well. But since inexplicabletimelessness brought it up, Habit #1 of the 7 Habits – Be Proactive, and work within your Circle of Influence. At this time, for many the issues around the world are out of their hands beyond making du’aa, protests, and writing in to various publications. The issue of one faces regarding their families are immediate. I’d go so far as to say that in many cases, one’s family can even be an obstacle to speaking out against these issues because the families fear reprisal for speaking out and would rather focus on continuing down the dunya path and leave the helping of our brothers and sisters ’round the world “to someone else”.
Siraaj
MR
May 11, 2008 at 9:39 PM
Obey or get disobeyed.
Ibn Masud
May 11, 2008 at 10:43 PM
For: Just a opinion
I think it’s pretty simple.
If we cannot come together and solve the problems in our families and homes which are arguably simpler to solve, then how can we expect to come together and solve these bigger issues you mention?
Anisa
May 12, 2008 at 1:56 PM
Wa’alaykum Aaslaam wa Rahmatullah
JazaakAllah Khair for the article. Now i’m off to go read the 60+ ways to please parents, and the Yasir Qadhi lecture!! :D
SubhanAllah, if I just sit and think about what my parents went through for me, i would cry in shame! And I would be disgusted with myself. And when I’m acting like a rebel, I do sit down and reflect for a couple of minutes. I remember the hard times they went through, and some they are going through now, and I ask myself why are you adding to it?! Why do you not have mercy on [with] them as they did with you!! And that or reading Quran, listening to heart-warming (or scary, or both) talk usually gets me back on track. And not to brag, but i’m usually good to my parents, however the frustrations of living in this type of society and the sense of having this HUGE gap of communication and understanding with my folks (and other ‘elders’) sometimes gets the better of me. But like I said reminders help, as Allah SWT says: 55. And remind (by preaching the Qur’ân, O Muhammad ) for verily, the reminding profits the believers.Surah Adh-Dhariyat (The Winds that Scatter)
It’s good to reflect over the punishment over disobedience to one’s parents, such as the hadith about the boy who kept to his prayers, fasts, zakah, etc but yet couldn’t say la ilaha ila lah on his death bed, the Prophet, SAW soon discovered it was because his mother was not pleased with him (or in another narration that he favored his wife over his mother). It’s also good to remember the rewards (i.e. jannah!!)
BarakAllahu Feek
Wa’alaykum Asalaam wa Rahmatullah
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Just one Muslim
May 14, 2008 at 11:00 AM
Assalamalaikum, I think the problem is that there are many parents who are out of wack( Term used by Daee Ahmed Mohit) in his lecture series located at http://www.noorallahproductions.com/, under family series. So the problem is that the parents see Islam through their culture and not through the Sunnah. So you will find many things that they are doing that contradicts the sunnah and in the process really destroying any love that can be developed, especially in marriages. In the end the prophet saws makes it clear, you have to be ready to sacrifice your parents for Allah and his messenger. That is it….. If this Ummah is going to proceed further then our priorities must be clear. We fullfill the rights of our parents as much as we can but we always put Allah and his messenger first. So the real question is where do we draw the line ?
someone
July 21, 2008 at 9:57 PM
JazakAllahu khairan for the article!
Can someone post the entire hadith about the one who’s parents are alive, and yet he does not earn jannah through them?
Wassalaamu Alaykum
hootowl41
September 9, 2012 at 8:02 PM
I hope you read this, even though it’s a very new comment on a very old article… whose ideas are timeless….
I am a Mom. My kids are married and have families of their own. By definition, since I love my kids, I am an overbearing Mom. When they make mistakes, because I love them, I have to express my love by disagreeing with them. Having been someone else’s child, I know that is enough to define me as overbearing.
I told my son the other day. A mother who is drug addled, who molested her child in his youth and who then sold him into slavery has the same rights over her son that I have over you. I have no more right to demand anything of him than she would, and she would have no less right than I do.
My son has a degree in Islamic Law. He did not disagree with me except to say that I deserve better from him.
So, being an overbearing parent does not give anyone, including me, the right to pick and choose when to respect our parents’ rights.
So, what are our rights as parents? They are a lot stronger than birr al walidayn is popularly interpreted. It is popular now to see this as being kind and polite… then doing whatever makes you happy. Islam does not give us an age after which we are no longer obligated to obey our parents. This is a western concept. Disobedience to lawful instructions from our parents is disobedience to Allah. It is one of the Major Sins. Sometimes, our advice might be wiser than that of our parents. Then we have an obligation to help them see what we see, with dignity and respect… not to just disobey them. Is obeying an unwise order of more danger to our afterlife than disobeying our parents? It’s a test. A great example is how much more Nuh’s (alaihis salaam) son thought he knew than his father. Better to disobey him than drown following his orders…? His destiny, his naseeb, was rushing to meet him whatever his decision. But his naseeb found Nuh’s (alaihis salaam) son in the wrong.
Thanks for listening.
frustrated muslimah
January 21, 2013 at 11:21 PM
Wonderful article. I think this is exactly what many of us are going through. It is also confusing on where the to draw the line on obedience to parents, or if there is even a limit? I mean my mother tells me not to watch the news, not to listen to Islamic lectures, go to sleep super early even when I am not sleepy, what to wear (even though my clothes are perfectly proper). I mean come one. It is very frustrating and annoying! I wish someone would be a bit more clear about what exactly we have to obey them in.
Ali Az
December 23, 2013 at 7:57 AM
Hi, I need to share a lot of my feelings on this.
I have grown up in an Islamic family in which I am the only and youngest son. My Dad is a perfectionist and control freak who had extremely high expectations and liked to micro manage the family . My Mom was a distant overbearing unemotional nagging mother who did not have a close relationship with me when I was growing up. My older and only sister is a manipulative and cunning person who always considered me to be her rival and used hypocrisy tor get into my parents good books. Nevertheless, I grew up always being compared to others. Plus a restrictive environment in which my father never allowed me to develop independence. I was told whom to trust, whom to befriend, whom to talk to but things got even worse when I went abroad to work.
When I was abroad, it was the first taste of actual “freedom” that I ever had in my life. But it was also one of the toughest experiences as I failed on my occasions to trust the right kind of people. I was cheated a lot because I had never developed my ability to relate to the outside world growing up in a protective environment. But the more I failed, the more my family belittled me. My Dad kept demeaning me as a worthless son who could not “maintain” his standard. My mother chimed in with him. My sister naturally took advantage of this to manipulate the situation even more as she always considered me as her rival. I felt being “remote-controlled.”
Nevertheless, my career took the worst beating when I followed their “advices”. I tried to reason with them on many occasions, but it was futile. My Dad’s thinking is something you can’t reason with. I lost the most wonderful opportunities in my life because of his meddling. I had predicted and foreseen the dangers and consequences of following his advices but he never listened. The result? Today I’m in mid 30’s, unmarried and lost in my life. I gave up my wonderful career and future listening to my family’s advices. And now he wants me to jump back in the “game” to “prove” myself. Seriously, I have begun to “hate” my family. More so, my father.
Is this what Islam teaches? That Dutifulness to parents is akin to enslavement to them? That parents can demand subservience (which is the definition of obedience to parents in an Islamic sense) from children even when the children are right? I feel no love for my parents or sister now. I feel my future is destroyed. I feel my life’s heading nowhere and I am nothing but a hamster who’s controlled by its master. Are there rights for children in Islam against overbearing parents?